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Show ALL Forums  > Broken Hearts  > Is it Cheating when you are seperated and could you forgive?      Home login  
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 funnygirll
Joined: 5/10/2006
Msg: 1
Is it Cheating when you are seperated and could you forgive? Page 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
In a long term relationship, during a separation, if one of the partners has sex with someone else, Is it still cheating?

and is it easier to forgive and forget if the 'cheating' occured during a separation?

what are your opinions?
 BLACKACES
Joined: 4/19/2006
Msg: 2
Is it Cheating when you are seperated and could you forgive?
Posted: 11/9/2006 7:17:53 AM
depends on the seperation.

if your taking a 2 or 3 week time out cheating is wrong.

however if your seperated and done finished over it's good to move on.
 sassyfox
Joined: 4/29/2006
Msg: 3
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Is it Cheating when you are seperated and could you forgive?
Posted: 11/9/2006 7:29:07 AM
No, it's not cheating. It might hurt a lot, but yes, I could forgive....and I have forgiven (more than 1 time).
 molonel
Joined: 12/20/2005
Msg: 4
Is it Cheating when you are seperated and could you forgive?
Posted: 11/9/2006 7:42:14 AM
Separation is kind of a weasel-word where this discussion is concerned. Are you married but formally separated? Broken up? Taking time apart but still together?
 funnygirll
Joined: 5/10/2006
Msg: 5
Is it Cheating when you are seperated and could you forgive?
Posted: 11/9/2006 7:44:57 AM
Well, I've been officially separated for 10 months and I am starting to feel ready to move on and date, but when I shared this with a friend of me, she said,

"But that's like cheating... and what if you get back together later on... He'll never forgive you."

So I'm just curious about what most people think about it.
 Sweetie26f
Joined: 7/20/2006
Msg: 6
Is it Cheating when you are seperated and could you forgive?
Posted: 11/9/2006 7:45:13 AM
seprated= not together, for some it's trying to figure things out, for other's it's to be free and have fun, personally ( only my opinion ) if your serious with someone and you want to work things out then don't fool around.
K
 Sweetie26f
Joined: 7/20/2006
Msg: 7
Is it Cheating when you are seperated and could you forgive?
Posted: 11/9/2006 7:47:38 AM
Separation is kind of a weasel-word where this discussion is concerned. Are you married but formally separated? Broken up? Taking time apart but still together?

I agree with monlonel on this are you two married ?
 molonel
Joined: 12/20/2005
Msg: 8
Is it Cheating when you are seperated and could you forgive?
Posted: 11/9/2006 7:51:38 AM

Well, I've been officially separated for 10 months and I am starting to feel ready to move on and date, but when I shared this with a friend of me, she said, "But that's like cheating... and what if you get back together later on... He'll never forgive you." - funfungirll


If you are married, and formally separated, then yes, your partner may consider that cheating if he is not dating and having sex with other people. The person you need to have this discussion with is your partner, rather than polling a bunch of strangers on the internet.

If you are ready to "move on and date" then that is called a divorce, and they are readily obtainable.


So I'm just curious about what most people think about it. - funfungirll


From the standpoint of whether or not this could hurt your relationship with your separated partner, why do you care what most people think about it? There is only one opinion that matters, and unless he's on this site, too, you're not going to find it, here.
 carebear_90630
Joined: 7/17/2006
Msg: 9
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Is it Cheating when you are seperated and could you forgive?
Posted: 11/9/2006 7:53:13 AM
Seperated usually means there is a time where you guys are not going to be together, whether it is for a month, a year, or until final details can be worked out. You know in your heart where you stand, and what feels right for you. If you think it is time to move on, you don't need anyones permission. He is most likely doing the same thing, man are generally more prone to move on easier and get physical with someone quicker than a woman would, so most likely he has already gone there, no matter what he says.

So basically, if you want to and you are seperated, or on a break for that long it is time to move on, he will either decide he does not want to lose you or it will continue on to the end of the relationship. Good luck either way.
 wahidzadran
Joined: 11/3/2006
Msg: 10
Is it Cheating when you are seperated and could you forgive?
Posted: 11/9/2006 8:32:55 AM
oh yeah it is very unforgivable cheating and i hate such as people
 nickita
Joined: 7/10/2006
Msg: 11
Is it Cheating when you are seperated and could you forgive?
Posted: 11/9/2006 8:43:58 AM
i am seperated and in the middle of divorcing... so i consider myself single... so its not cheeting i just dont have the divorce paperwork finalised... and if you having a 10mth break why would you want to get back... its over.... move on and dont let anyone espiclly yourself get cought up in guilt...
 Internetdatingpariah
Joined: 10/17/2004
Msg: 12
Is it Cheating when you are seperated and could you forgive?
Posted: 11/9/2006 9:05:46 AM
Hmmmm...if you're separated, something is really wrong with the relationship.
No love? Constant fighting? Perhaps the other was unfaithful? No idea.

Only my opinion, but I can't consider it cheating if the love is gone and the only thing remotely pertaining to a marriage is the now worthless piece of paper.
 ny_lady_13601
Joined: 10/25/2006
Msg: 13
Is it Cheating when you are seperated and could you forgive?
Posted: 11/9/2006 9:20:05 AM
When I was divorcing I didn't start to see other people until the divorce was final. It wouldn't have been fair emotionally (either to myself or the other person) to see someone else when I was already going through so much.

It also depends on how qucik they were to jump into bed with someone. If they didn't waste anytime, chances are they already had this person waiting in the wings and possibly was already cheating on you. If you had been separated for some time, as in months, then obviously the other person had assumed it was over and was moving on.
 molonel
Joined: 12/20/2005
Msg: 14
Is it Cheating when you are seperated and could you forgive?
Posted: 11/9/2006 9:22:24 AM
i am seperated and in the middle of divorcing... so i consider myself single... so its not cheeting i just dont have the divorce paperwork finalised... and if you having a 10mth break why would you want to get back... its over.... move on and dont let anyone espiclly yourself get cought up in guilt... - nickita


Nobody here is trying to guilt her about anything. I hope she has a fantastic dating life, and a fresh start to a new direction.

I've been where she is, and I've been where you are. I've been through a divorce, and I dated while I was separated. I was very clear with my soon-to-be ex about that, and she dated people, as well. But both of us were honest with each other, and honest with the people we dated.

The honesty came, not because I asked a bunch of people on the internet what she MIGHT be thinking, but because I asked her directly.

Honesty is the best policy, and it eliminates any doubts.
 nickita
Joined: 7/10/2006
Msg: 15
Is it Cheating when you are seperated and could you forgive?
Posted: 11/9/2006 9:29:16 AM
oh i wasnt sugesting anyone here was making her feel quilty... but she obviously did feel some guilt about it or wouldnt have asked for opinoin, and ex's are very good at trying to put the guilt back onto the partner who has been made estrained.... but being female we are all to found of finding guilt ourselves without onyone else helping us!

as it seems 10months is time to move on....
 angeltanxxx
Joined: 8/26/2006
Msg: 16
Is it Cheating when you are seperated and could you forgive?
Posted: 11/9/2006 9:43:26 AM
yep it is simple
 funnygirll
Joined: 5/10/2006
Msg: 17
Is it Cheating when you are seperated and could you forgive?
Posted: 11/9/2006 10:37:47 AM
Dear molonel -

thanks for the feedback but I just want to tell you that MY decision is made and I don't need to consult it with 'my partner' since he left 10 months ago nor do I need to "poll a bunch of strangers on the internet"... to make my decision because my decision is up to me alone, and I have made it already.

the reason I posted this thread was just for curiosity.
I wanted to see how many people consider it cheating if you are married but have been separated for a long time. My friend seems to think so.
The post was not to get strangers to help me decide what to do with my life, I decide that alone.


I thought I should clear that up because I just wanted some general opinions from the people who post on here because most of the time, they have really interesting things to state that are thought provoking.

I know there are a lot of different circumstances that would change the answers from yes to no but generally could you forgive your partner if they had an intimate relationship while you were both separated...
 molonel
Joined: 12/20/2005
Msg: 18
Is it Cheating when you are seperated and could you forgive?
Posted: 11/9/2006 10:54:18 AM

Dear molonel - thanks for the feedback but I just want to tell you that MY decision is made and I don't need to consult it with 'my partner' since he left 10 months ago nor do I need to "poll a bunch of strangers on the internet"... to make my decision because my decision is up to me alone, and I have made it already. - funfungirll


You seem a little defensive about this, especially since you ASKED for people's opinions. If all you want is people to agree with you, then don't ask. So you don't need to get snippy. Your life is your life, and guess what? It doesn't affect me in the slightest.

But your question concerned your partner's potential opinion implicitly, and not your RIGHT to do as you please. Nobody contested the latter, and nobody here can represent the former with any sincerity or knowledge.


the reason I posted this thread was just for curiosity. - funfungirll


Okay. Well, you weren't entirely clear that it was just a trivia question. Most people are treating it under the actual circumstances you listed in the OP, and not merely as a hypothetical.


I know there are a lot of different circumstances that would change the answers from yes to no but generally could you forgive your partner if they had an intimate relationship while you were both separated... - funfungirll


And again, it depends entirely on the circumstances. I've said that very clearly. If my ex and I had gotten back together, it would be on the honestly stated understanding that we dated others while we were separated. If your husband left you for someone else, then he's hardly in a position to complain, especially since you waited this long to do it. But again, that doesn't stop him from being jealous because it is an odd quality about many cheaters that they are VERY jealous and unforgiving when someone else cheats on them.

Cheating is extremely difficult to forgive even in the best of circumstances, if there is such a thing.
 funnygirll
Joined: 5/10/2006
Msg: 19
Is it Cheating when you are seperated and could you forgive?
Posted: 11/9/2006 11:00:50 AM
^^^ you are right that I didn't make it clear that it was a trivia question.

And I promise I wasn't trying to be defensive or snippy or trying to make people agree with me. It was all in fun and in wanting to get people's general opinions.

thanks for replying.

 smartchoice
Joined: 9/20/2005
Msg: 20
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Is it Cheating when you are seperated and could you forgive?
Posted: 11/9/2006 11:34:30 AM
I have been separated for almost 7 years. When my husband saw someone else early on I was devastated because I felt it was the death of love. That been said I too have had a couple of intense relationships since then. So I know it is a two way street. I was not ready to personally move on yet and although it was wonderful in the moment I knew I hadn't on some level completed the process of grieving.
I agree that men seem to be able to move on more quickly. And also realize that is a generilization that doesn't always hold true.
I am listed as separated here as there has never been a final divorce. For whatever reasons that is ok with me and know it will come when the relationship ends in friendship.
My husband is also online and lists himself as single. That is the way he feels and
the obvious difference between us. Neither is wrong just 2 different perspectives on who we really are. Probably the reason we aren't together in the first place.
I believe cheating is when someone is lying to the other. Try to play both sides of the fence and not allowing the other the honour of being truthful.
It is crazy making for the one who doesn't have all the information to make choices based on the truth of what is really going on.
As far as forgiveness goes. What is to forgive? We are all souls trying our best to be human beings in the most difficult times. Each of us has the right to make mistakes and not have it held against us. Not that it doesn't hurt just that it is something we have on some level chosen to experience. The shame would be to carry the resentment and harm ourselves.
Letting go is not easy and it comes in all sorts of forms. I try to beware of the green eyed monster of jealousy and work on my own self esteem instead.
That can't be found through another.
 rubyred6301
Joined: 10/17/2006
Msg: 21
Is it Cheating when you are seperated and could you forgive?
Posted: 11/9/2006 11:40:49 AM
This is such a loaded question but being on this site I deal with it quite a bit. I have been "seperated" for three years now. Legally I am still married due to insurance benefits I will stay that way for some time. I am always honest with people Ive dated and to make things easier on both of us we got a legal seperation on paper. So when I go out on a date am I cheating? No, but I feel if your in a relationship and decide to take a break and then go sleep with someone else, and some people do this to see if the grass is greener on the other side, this can be a form of cheating.
 funnygirll
Joined: 5/10/2006
Msg: 22
Is it Cheating when you are seperated and could you forgive?
Posted: 11/9/2006 11:41:02 AM

I believe cheating is when someone is lying to the other. Try to play both sides of the fence and not allowing the other the honour of being truthful.

wow.... great answer. and I totally agree with you there.

thanks so much for the answers guys!! you rock!!
 *Babydoll272*
Joined: 9/8/2006
Msg: 23
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Is it Cheating when you are seperated and could you forgive?
Posted: 11/9/2006 3:42:53 PM
I was separated from my now ex-husband for seven years before we finalized our divorce. There was no way that I was going to be without a mate in those separated years. Neither of us thought that the other was cheating when we dated other people. Separated means just that...as in not together. We still remain good friends to this day.

Now if you want to separate and both of you are in the understanding that you just need time apart for say a month or two, just to get your thoughts in focus about your relationship...then I would say it was cheating if you were with someone in that timespan and that would be unforgiveable.

Just my own opinion.
 mrobbnc2000
Joined: 5/25/2005
Msg: 24
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Is it Cheating when you are seperated and could you forgive?
Posted: 11/9/2006 4:30:43 PM
No, I wouldnt concider it cheating...and I have forgiven much worse.....its been 10 months move on......Good Luck!
 ny_lady_13601
Joined: 10/25/2006
Msg: 25
Is it Cheating when you are seperated and could you forgive?
Posted: 11/10/2006 12:58:48 PM
smartchoice: My husband is also online and lists himself as single. That is the way he feels


That may be the way he feels, but legally he is not single. He might think it's just a peice of paper that says differently, lot of women don't see it as that. And he is clearly lying about being single. And if a person is going to lie about something small as a technicality as to what's on a piece of paper, it only makes you wonder what else they're lying about. For me, that's already a red warning flag for what's to come and certainly not a good start for any relationship. I've chatted with men who said they were single and were only just separated, they had clearly lied to me yet they justified it. If you can't trust them, there's no sense in continuing anything. And it sure doesn't take much to destroy trust.
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