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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > How far in advance should you make plans?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 Le_an_ah
Joined: 6/20/2007
Msg: 1
How far in advance should you make plans?Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
My boyfriend lives about an hour and a half drive away from me. His Mom and Brother live near me. He was coming to this area most every weekend BEFORE we started dating and would usually spend one night at his mom's and one night at his brother's. I want him to spend the weekends with me now, but I have to share time with his family. (a whole other issue!)

My problem is this... (one of them anyway) is...The last time I remember us having any definite plans were at Christmas. Usually, I don't know until Thursday night, what he plans to do on the weekend. And then I have to ask. He says,"I'm not big on PLANNING!" So, as the weekend draws near, I get really anxious, wondering what's up!

He says he loves me very much and wants a future with me, and he is very considerate and polite in every other way. My friends have commented that he has better manners than anyone they have ever met! But in my opinion, making me wonder about the weekend is kinda rude! Maybe I would want to make other plans if he isn't coming.

My question is," Am I being too demanding, wanting to know if I have plans for the weekend, if I am even going to see him?" And, "How far in advance should a person make plans for the weekend?"
 Change Of Pace
Joined: 5/5/2007
Msg: 2
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How far in advance should you make plans?
Posted: 1/24/2008 6:45:02 AM
It's about communication--from the both of you. He needs to know that you need a bit more notice about what's going on for the weekend...to me, if he wasn't able to let me know on Monday or Tuesday what his rough plans were then I'd not be around or available to him.

This trait in a man to me is not negotiable...I don't have to know what every second will hold, but knowing roughly when he'll be at mine and that he wants to spend Saturday evening with his family is hardly pinning him to the wall. Sounds like he enjoys his freedom and isn't really thinking how it's going to effect you.

Good luck...that could be a dealbreaker with me if he weren't able to compromise!!
 untamed one
Joined: 3/28/2007
Msg: 3
How far in advance should you make plans?
Posted: 1/24/2008 6:48:08 AM
Make other plans . Do you spend time with him on weekends regardless? The relationship sounds fairly new and still in the sorting out stages , still time to mold him a little . Try a weekend where you can't see him at all because you have PLANS . You're a planner , this weekend was Planned Out . Then maybe he'll come around .
That's one of the reasons men need women , to sort them out . Good luck !
 english lass
Joined: 11/14/2007
Msg: 4
How far in advance should you make plans?
Posted: 1/24/2008 6:49:04 AM
it seems to me that he's got it all his way at the moment and is playing a lil mind game with you here or at least, not taking your wants seriously.... i'd tell him that you need to know by wednesday if he'd like to come up and see you or you'll make other plans, then do so... if he expects you to be there whenever *he* feels like seeing you - causing you to wait around for him while he goes out and does his own thing at home, then he'll just take you for granted, imo.

he'll treat you the way you allow him to treat you (learned out of experience :)) and respect you the more for standing up for yourself
 zom
Joined: 1/19/2008
Msg: 5
How far in advance should you make plans?
Posted: 1/24/2008 6:54:50 AM
Be busy, unable to see him when he calls at the last minute. Keep being busy at the last minute every time he makes a last minute call. Don't ever not be busy unless he schedules a week end at least a week in advance. See if he gets the point or if he takes off looking for someone else who would be his last minute on-call girl.
 HAMAZING
Joined: 10/21/2007
Msg: 6
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How far in advance should you make plans?
Posted: 1/24/2008 7:02:02 AM
You need to know yourself what you will or will not accept as "normal" behavior or planning for the two of you.

Communication and Compromise is the key.

He sounds good "in every other way", he can be in thisway too if ya try and it is the right time for the both of you.

To answer your question: Mine and I make plans two or three days in advance in the week, we negotiated!!!

Good luck!!
 Le_an_ah
Joined: 6/20/2007
Msg: 7
How far in advance should you make plans?
Posted: 1/24/2008 7:32:02 AM

would be hard for him to spend all his weekends with you...... he must have his own place and responsibilities, why dont you take turns going to each others place one time a month... so it leaves a few open weekends a month to take care of things people need to take care of?

ps, yes you would be too demanding to ask him to see you every weekend and over the top demanding that he comes to you all the time.


I already stated in my original post that he was ALREADY coming to town every weekend anyway. I just need to know, one way or the other, if I am included in his plans, in advance. He also has a bad habit of "Just Showing Up!"
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 8
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How far in advance should you make plans?
Posted: 1/24/2008 7:33:37 AM
My problem is this... (one of them anyway) is...The last time I remember us having any definite plans were at Christmas. Usually, I don't know until Thursday night, what he plans to do on the weekend. And then I have to ask. He says,"I'm not big on PLANNING!" So, as the weekend draws near, I get really anxious, wondering what's up!

I am the type who's first come first serve - meaning if it's Tuesday and I am dating some guy and one of my girlfriends asks what I am doing Saturday night, if I don't have plans I book her. End of story. So, make plans with friends and to do things you like to do earlier in the week when you have days open on the weekend, and when you talk to him, word it this way:

"So, you're heading to see your family this weekend right? Let me know what free time you have while you're there - MAYBE we can grab some time. I know you hate to make plans, but I like to know what I'm doing. I have a few things I want to double check on before I say yes to them."

Who it is and what you're doing isn't relevant. This lets him know that you have a life, you're getting calls from people to do things, and that he's free to not make plans, but if/when he does, he might be too little, too late. It should let him know that he can be a priority if he wants to be, but you're fine with doing something else with your free time...he might give you some resistance at first because he's spoiled, but stick to your guns.

I suspect he's not making plans with you because he knows you always REALLY want to see him and he's comfortable that you're putting off a lot of other things to wait around for him. I'm sure he's not doing it to be a jerk, but by default he knows he doesn't have to really make solid plans - he'll still see you when he wants.

He also has a bad habit of "Just Showing Up!"

Yeah, that's him taking advantage that you're just...there. My ex used to do this, he had kids, and would always give me that "we'll see" thing. His kids were his life; he'd never dictate plans to them, and he was the adult. So I started doing other things. He'd realized he was free around 8 or 9 to come see me and had the audacity to call me on the drive to my house. I remember a couple nights he got my VM doing this, or showed up on my doorstep with flowers and I wasn't home. He goes thru that a couple times and he'll get the message.
 Gotmail?
Joined: 7/24/2006
Msg: 9
How far in advance should you make plans?
Posted: 1/24/2008 7:50:17 AM
Hmmmmmmmmm..

OK, I do understand a previous poster's noting that it's fair to go to his place as well. When you work all week, it's hard to be gone and get caught up with laundry, things around the house, etc. BUT, seeing as he also wants to see his family, and stays with them and not you.............I would have a problem as well. Does his mom know that the two of you are intimate? Have you ever stayed at their house? Have you met them/spent time/holidays with them?

OK, here is my scenario, to give you an idea of something similar, that is different.
My guy does not have any family closeby, and neither do I. He has no children under 25, but I have a teenage daughter.

We have been dating for the most part of 1 1/2 years(LD issues do make it hairy, at times, and we have worked through the worry about the future issue, so we are now HAPPY and content).

He comes to my house EVERY Sat, and stays until Sun evening. I work every Saturday, during the day, so he has that time to do his "stuff", and I am glad for that. BUT, it is understood that he will be here, and he never makes other plans, unless he is travelling for work, or has family in town(rare). He is normally here as soon as I get home, because we only have that short time together. I do go to his house when my daughter has plans, is away, or if I make arrangements for her. It is just easier, bc of her for him to come here, and easier for me to cook, etc. His income is also a good bit more than mine, so the gas expense is not an issue.

If he loves you and wants a future with you, you two need to "talk". My guy took forever to say those 3 little words, so if yours has gone there, then he should be fine with talking about the relationship. I say SHOULD be.

I think maybe he takes you for granted, because you are always available. Not that you should play any games, but if he wants to see you and assumes you will be waiting no matter what, that is just plain inconsiderate. I might make plans one weekend, like SOON, to let him understand that it is an unfair expectation (you to be left hanging that is), and see what happens. Before I did that, I would talk it out, and if he balks, well, I might reassess the relationship.

How long has he lived away from his family?
How long has he been spending weekends with them?
How old is he?
How long have you been dating?
Where IS the relationship going, seriously?
Does his family give him flak if he does not go there enough?
Will you always have to deal with him possibly choosing family first?

Food for thought.
Maybe if you offer to go to his house, he would like it and then you coud be together without his family. At least every now and then.
 anyoneoutthier
Joined: 3/19/2007
Msg: 10
How far in advance should you make plans?
Posted: 1/24/2008 7:58:07 AM
Your thier at his beckon call, so he can spend time with you when ever he feels like, its up to you if you want to be treated like a rug.
 Wolfie65
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 11
How far in advance should you make plans?
Posted: 1/24/2008 8:11:05 AM
Sounds like the boyfriend knows what he's doing.
Every time I've made plans more than 3 minutes ahead, they have been torpedoed or the consideration was being seen as a weakness and ridiculed.
 Paprikash!
Joined: 1/18/2007
Msg: 12
How far in advance should you make plans?
Posted: 1/24/2008 8:16:00 AM
I think you're mad because you feel taken for granted. You think that his impression is that you're sitting around waiting for him to tell you you're going to spend time together. If you want to make plans, make them. Then when he calls at the last minute you can tell him you've made other plans. If you haven't made plans, then don't worry about it. You say he's a good guy, so why make something out of nothing. Be happy - spend time with him - don't sweat it!
 yoodle
Joined: 9/30/2006
Msg: 13
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How far in advance should you make plans?
Posted: 1/24/2008 8:58:36 AM
I'm glad to read this thread. If this happens in a new dating scenario, I can easily walk away. In a long term one, where he's SAYING 'ILY' all the time but being indefinite on plans for the weekends and week nights (not living far away), or, as you mentioned, a month has gone by without any plans (I call them dates), it becomes unnerving and the implications are painful--it isn't building trust or comfort, and the relationship becomes work. If even after talking about this and there's no change, the cost:benefit ratio starts to creep in and that cheapens the idea of "love" especially when he is saying it, but demonstrating something else. I become neurotic, starting to doubt my own worth (rather than walking away)--and that isn't healthy for me.

Although some of the advice here is a bit cavalier, I do like this observation:

I suspect he's not making plans with you because he knows you always REALLY want to see him and he's comfortable that you're putting off a lot of other things to wait around for him. I'm sure he's not doing it to be a jerk, but by default he knows he doesn't have to really make solid plans - he'll still see you when he wants.

But moreso this next excerpt reminds me that there are men who understand and consider the reliability and communication needed to keep a relationship healthy and happy.

He comes to my house EVERY Sat, and stays until Sun evening...BUT, it is understood that he will be here... He is normally here as soon as I get home, because we only have that short time together... If he loves you and wants a future with you, you two need to "talk." My guy took forever to say those 3 little words, so if yours has gone there, then he should be fine with talking about the relationship. I say SHOULD be.

So, dating doesn't have to be perfect, and there will be misunderstandings and challenges. Yet, I don't think it's asking for the moon to want to see someone who "really cares for you" (and says he loves you) two or three days a week and several weekends a month, whereby he is suggesting and following through on plans and activities you do together--and is receptive of and enthusiastic about your ideas.
 Le_an_ah
Joined: 6/20/2007
Msg: 14
How far in advance should you make plans?
Posted: 1/24/2008 9:07:05 AM

Does his mom know that the two of you are intimate? Have you ever stayed at their house? Have you met them/spent time/holidays with them?


Yes, I have stayed at his mom's house with him before, although he won't get intimate with me THERE! We do sleep together. I was there at Thanksgiving, and during the Christmas holidays.


How long has he lived away from his family?
How long has he been spending weekends with them?


He has lived away from home since he was 18. He visited his family, but just started the weekend thing a little over a year ago, when his mom got cancer. She is better now.


How old is he?
How long have you been dating?


We are both in our fortys. We have been dating since around August, and in a committed relationship since October. However, we have known each other since we were teenagers.


Where IS the relationship going, seriously?


Seriously, I thought he was THE ONE, but lately, I am really shocked by his inconsiderate behavior and very unhappy about it!


Does his family give him flak if he does not go there enough?
Will you always have to deal with him possibly choosing family first?


Yes, his Mother puts him on a quilt trip about spending too much time with me and not enough with her. Although she has always liked me and wanted us to get together in the first place. She told him he needed to split his time between she and I. It is almost like she is jealous of me now.

I detected in the beginning that The Family might be a problem, which made me hesitate about getting serious with him. He assured me that I was his TOP priority!

I think I may have slipped down a notch or two! I think he may not want to make plans ahead of time with me because he don't know how hard of a time his mom or brother will give him if he doesn't show up there.

It's almost mid day Thursday, and I have no idea what the weekend holds for me!

Frustrated!
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 15
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How far in advance should you make plans?
Posted: 1/24/2008 10:19:43 AM

Yes, his Mother puts him on a quilt trip about spending too much time with me and not enough with her. Although she has always liked me and wanted us to get together in the first place. She told him he needed to split his time between she and I. It is almost like she is jealous of me now.

It's up to him to stand his ground with his mother if he disagrees and deal with this - it's not totally her fault that her guilt trip's working.

I detected in the beginning that The Family might be a problem, which made me hesitate about getting serious with him. He assured me that I was his TOP priority!

Don't go by what he says in this case, go by what he does. You'll see better how to handle it.

I think I may have slipped down a notch or two! I think he may not want to make plans ahead of time with me because he don't know how hard of a time his mom or brother will give him if he doesn't show up there.

If I were you I'd assume he's always going to spend the whole weekend there - that way, at least you're not dissapointed. Then when he calls or shows up and complains, YOU can say - oh, you didn't give me any notice. Sorry! Trust me, he'll either step it up, or he'll throw a fit and you'll realize he's only in it if it comes easy.

It's almost mid day Thursday, and I have no idea what the weekend holds for me! Frustrated!

It holds whatever you want it to - it's your life, sweetie. You can choose to have plans or not with whoever you choose, your time is valuable. Don't let this guy determine your schedule. Take charge of your own time. Make plans with someone else, and don't be home all weekend. Sounds hard, but in the long run you'll feel a lot better.
 Sabinee
Joined: 9/10/2007
Msg: 16
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How far in advance should you make plans?
Posted: 1/24/2008 10:43:42 AM
Set some boundaries and communicate those boundaries clearly to him. Make your own plans and start having other things to do. As in, "If we don't make other plans together by Wednesday, I'm going to go ahead and ______ with my friends this weekend." Then DO it. You want him to spend the entire weekend with you? How about possibly being free to have dinner with him?

You're just passively sitting there expecting someone to change to make you feel better, rather than taking responsibility for your own time. There's really no reason to get anxious every weekend--and blame him for it-- if you take control of your life.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 17
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How far in advance should you make plans?
Posted: 1/24/2008 11:06:53 AM
It's almost mid day Thursday, and I have no idea what the weekend holds for me!

Frustrated!

So? Like make some plans. Or is your whole social/recreational life controlled by this guy?
Look he may not have the easiest gig in the world here if his Mom just beat the BIG C. That tends to scare the hell out of everybody in a family. But he's gonna have to realize that your time is also valuable, and you are no longer going to reject other opportunities to go do fun and interesting things, rather than sitting home watching bad movies on TV because he can't negotiate free time from his mother to be an adult and have an adult relationship...
Y'all are both in your 40s? Are there exes or kids in the mix here, complicating the situation even further?
I don't hold much freight for Dr Phil, but he IS right when he said you teach people how to treat you...
Cindy O
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 18
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How far in advance should you make plans?
Posted: 1/24/2008 11:09:34 AM
Make your own plans. Has he ever NOT included you for the entire weekend? Don't stop seeing your friends or going out because he doesn't feel like planning a date.
 GeneralizingNow
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 19
How far in advance should you make plans?
Posted: 1/24/2008 11:31:55 AM
He sounds pretty selfish--can't he compromise a LITTLE bit? Tell him to write something in stone one week , and then be open-ended the other week. If he won't do this, he's just being a poopybutt. [Tell him I said so.]
 dbndon
Joined: 7/15/2005
Msg: 20
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How far in advance should you make plans?
Posted: 1/24/2008 11:53:53 AM
.

Most certainly, I wouldn’t ditch him for a weekend, as some have suggested. I would, however, say something like: You haven’t called so I’ve made plans to go to wherever on Saturday night. You’re welcome to come along, too, but in either case I’ll be going. That’ll probably get him thinking a little. . . .

Normally a couple will work into set times for calling and whatnot. And the OP is quite correct that common courtesy dictates that she should be able to plan on “their” times for talking, going out, etc., etc.

However, there’s another side to this coin that must also be considered. That is, this is exactly how she found him, yet she was attracted to him. He evidently has not changed from the person she was originally attracted to when this relationship started. But, she wants him to change, nonetheless. . . .

Sure, I can see the OP’s point and mostly agree with it. I would also feel that way. The guy should call more and be able to make definite plans. But, I can see his point, too, and think that his changing will come more from desire than demand. Actually, I have a feeling that demanding change too quickly may end up squelching the whole relationship.

So, by all means, make plans for at least one weekend evening. But, also ensure that the activities are something that he can join in. He’ll probably catch on quickly. Because, if he doesn’t show up, he’ll soon realize that you are out alone and available and that could become a bit disconcerting to a guy who cares.

.
 GeneralizingNow
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 21
How far in advance should you make plans?
Posted: 1/24/2008 12:09:07 PM

However, there’s another side to this coin that must also be considered. That is, this is exactly how she found him, yet she was attracted to him. He evidently has not changed from the person she was originally attracted to when this relationship started. But, she wants him to change, nonetheless. . . .


Yes, but I also think relationships are about figuring out how to make each other comfy--it's not reasonable to think that her expectations are the same for a person she met 2 hours ago, and a husband of 15 years. As friendships grow, so does my reliance on that person for, say, emotional support, for example.
 PostPunk
Joined: 11/15/2006
Msg: 22
How far in advance should you make plans?
Posted: 1/24/2008 12:38:00 PM
You wanna meet me for a quick chat in the middle of the week, I want a couple days notice.

You wanna real date on the weekend, you better start checking my calendar a week ahead of time. (whether I have other plans or not, whether we are exclusive or not)

If I dont have any plans on the weekend, you can bet that I'll be hanging out with my friends or doing my own thing. Life is too short to sit by the phone.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 23
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How far in advance should you make plans?
Posted: 1/24/2008 12:51:23 PM
Most certainly, I wouldn’t ditch him for a weekend, as some have suggested. I would, however, say something like: You haven’t called so I’ve made plans to go to wherever on Saturday night. You’re welcome to come along, too, but in either case I’ll be going. That’ll probably get him thinking a little. . . .

It's not really ditching, it's doing more constructive things with your free time. How he takes that is his problem.

Personally if you don't have the consideration to communicate with me when the weekend's starting, good luck getting any information out of me (or finding me) when you decide you want to know during the weekend.

I can see his point, too, and think that his changing will come more from desire than demand. Actually, I have a feeling that demanding change too quickly may end up squelching the whole relationship.

It's not demanding at all, it's a quiet acceptance, a shrug and a walk off and do something else. I'd ask twice about seeing him on the weekend, and that'd be it for me - from that point on I'd assume he never makes plans and I'd go off and make my own. I wouldn't announce it, I'd just do it.

You wanna meet me for a quick chat in the middle of the week, I want a couple days notice.

I agree, same here. It's weird to me how many men I meet who are single and will call me at like 7 pm and ask what I am doing in an hour. Either they're down to the scraps from the week, or they don't have much going on. My plans for the night of are usually made at least a half week earlier.

You wanna real date on the weekend, you better start checking my calendar a week ahead of time. (whether I have other plans or not, whether we are exclusive or not).

I agree there too...but that's the way my life is structured.

If I dont have any plans on the weekend, you can bet that I'll be hanging out with my friends or doing my own thing. Life is too short to sit by the phone.

Exactly. If I don't have plans on the weekend, it's because I went out of my way not to make plans so I can relax. There's always stuff to do if I am in the mood for it.
 jamesdeanny
Joined: 12/28/2007
Msg: 24
How far in advance should you make plans?
Posted: 1/24/2008 1:02:52 PM
The classy thing any gentleman should do is make plans SEVERAL days in advance. There's no grey areas of communication and things are set in stone. Plus, you'll both be thinking about the date for a few days which drives your feelings and anticipation up through the roof.

In new relationships I usually don't go for weekends right away (at least Fridays and Saturdays). I like her to know that I have a life outside of her and don't need to see her every waking second. Also, I always have something specific in mind for the date right away. The thing that EVERYONE hates (guys and especially girls) is.."what are you doing this weekend/tonight/?" LAME! Have something in mind and ready to make specific plans! Once she starts asking for dates on the weekends, I know the time is right for us to increase the time we spend together. Take things SLOW. If it's one thing I've learned, it's that you can ALWAYS move too fast, but never too slow (oops this is advance aimed more towards guys)
 Gotmail?
Joined: 7/24/2006
Msg: 25
How far in advance should you make plans?
Posted: 1/24/2008 3:40:27 PM
It sounds like you have some decisions to make, and I do know that ones involving your heart where your gut says something else are very hard.

I lost both parents to cancer, and am glad to hear mother is better. BUT, he has to see that it is not healthy to have to choose. Another, VERY IMPORTANT thing, is where HE sees the relationship going. I can't remember how long you have been seeing him, but short of a couple years, it might be awkward to ask him if he thinks that YOU are the one, love or not. But, if he does think that way, then he has to put his money where his mouth is, or you will never be his top priority. I do think a little eye opening is in order, NOT being calculating, or trying to make him mad, but simply being busy a few times when he waits until Friday night or Sat am to talk about the weekend. I think that I would do it by letting my phone go to voicemail, and well, let him wonder. He obviously isn't worried now what you will be doing, but he might if he can't reach you. Then say, Oh, a friend and I are doing the "girl" thing, you know...........manicures, pedicures, shopping and a chick flick, and I am crashing at her place to catch up, so call me tomorrow, ok? Then DO IT. Or something that takes all day or go visit an old friend for the weekend. Don't lie, but Do make plans.

I can't imagine only having sex when he shows up at your place, and then you sleep there together, and have no sex, or he stays there and you go home. I would be unhappy and quite unable to hide it.... I might even POUT LOLOLOL I LOVE my time with my man, it makes my week and if I didn't have it, he wouldn't have me.

Maybe there is a compromise in there.............He could go to his mom's say Fri and stay the night , then he's yours til Sunday, or vice versa, or alternate. Stand your ground girl!!! That way you get TIME, and a NIGHT and she gets some too. Being flexible in a LD relationship is key and also patient and both of you willing to meet the other person's needs...........it takes 2 to tango baby. He might also need to wean his mom from seeing him EVERY weekend, so also offer go to his place. Maybe set up a hot invitation that he can't refuse. Be creative!!!
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