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Losing a loved one to death
Posted: 12/5/2008 5:46:31 PM | I am in the middle of dealing with this issue. On October 19th, we were coming back from a long weekend at the lake. I had a flat tire on my boat trailer and had to get off the highway. It was a 22 foot pontoon and I was afraid it was going to roll or jack knife. I pulled completely off the highway, onto the shoulder. My wife of 26 years and I got out to change the tire. Our 13 and 14 year old daughters and our two black labs had to stay in the suburban because there was no safe place for them to go. I could not get my jack to work on the boat trailer so I called my insurance company for roadside assistance. My wife was standing 3 feet away from me. I was in mid sentence and the next thing I remember is waking up in the ditch laying beside her. My boat was gone. My suburban was totalled. I heard my girls screaming. I was laying on my side and couldn't get up. I rolled over and sat up and looked at my beautiful wife and as soon as I saw her, I knew she was gone. I've been in law enforcement for 25 years. I've seen a lot of death but this is the first time it was someone I was so close too. A truck driver, driving too fast and not paying attention to what he was doing, ran off the highway and hit my boat. The boat went airborne striking me and my wife, and then rolled over and through my suburban. My wife was killed instantly and all I got was a two broken ribs.
To make matters even worse, in the impact her left arm was severed and ended up in the back of the suburban with my girls. After the impact, my 14 year old saw one of our dogs struggeling in the back of the suburban. She went to the back of the truck to try to help Abby and saw her moms arm. Her first instinct was to shield my 13 year old from going to the back but she had already seen it also. Strangers had to drag my girls and one surviving dog through the broken drivers door window to get them away from the suburban. We were put into the first ambulance and taken to the closest ER for treatment.
I haven't slept much since October 18th. The accident, seeing the love of my life in that ditch dead, the vision of what my girls saw, all run through my mind like a broken record. I can't focus on anything for more than a few minutes. I've been back to work for a couple of weeks now but I'm not really getting anything done. My girls are getting help through school counselors and group counseling. I need the grief, the anger, the heartbreak to fuel me through the law suit and possible criminal proceedings against the trucker and his company.
Yesterday, I took my wedding ring off of my left hand for the first time in almost 27 years and put it on my right hand. I wear her ring around my neck with my St Michael medalion. I've been doubting whether I really believed in religion for many years, based on work experiences. THIS has removed all doubt. How I feel now would be devastating to my family so I keep it to myself.
I cannot grasp the idea that I will ever be over this or that I will ever be really able to "move on". My girls are the reason I get out of bed in the morning now. I'm 46 years old and for the first time in my life, I'm alone.
In addition to our 13 and 14 year old daughters, we have a 25 year old son who is in the military. He is married and 18 months ago, he became a father. Our first grand child was my wife's pride and joy. She loved that baby so much. Now, none of my current or future grand children will know their grand mother. All of the plans and dreams we had been working so hard for are gone. We were supposed to grow old together. We were supposed to retire together and enjoy the rest of our time spoiling grand babies and traveling together. Now, half of my very soul is gone and I have a long and lonely future ahead of me.
How the hell am I supposed to get past this and "move on"? | | | |
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