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 Author Thread: Any advice would be appreciated...
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 105 (view)
 
Any advice would be appreciated...
Posted: 5/11/2013 12:01:39 AM
There are so many reasons (stated by you) to not remain in this situation...and I call it a situation because it's hardly a solid relationship. You're only starting to get to know her and what you are learning, you don't like.

It's not women with children who are the problem - it's two people making stupid decisions (introducing children into the dates, for instance) and not having the ability to separate sexual attraction from personality attraction. Now you have found that, although the sex kept you interested for a few weeks, a number of factors about the individual's personality have made you lose interest. That's why people date - to learn about each other.

As for not dating women with children, that's entirely your prerogative and you shouldn't be chastised for that preference. Just be prepared for it to be more and more difficult to find someone who doesn't have children, the older you get.

I feel sorry for her kids. It sounds like her parenting skills suck and common sense is lacking on both your parts. All I can say is, hopefully, you're learning from this and will cool your jets when dating in the future, whether there are kids in the scenario or not.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 29 (view)
 
What does she really want to happen ?
Posted: 10/19/2012 11:05:44 AM

Believe me I know how crazy all this sounds, I have lived through it

You're right. It does sound crazy because it is. Horrible fights, fear of commitment, terminated pregnancy, deliberate pregnancy, I don't want you, I do want you, you hate me, I love you..... I vote that you stay apart and each concentrate on making your child feel wanted and loved by each of you, but that the two of you stay apart until you can get your own heads straight separately before you even begin to think you can get them on straight together...if that's possible at your age.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 20 (view)
 
Not sure what to do
Posted: 10/18/2012 7:31:30 AM
I dunno...I find it strange that a person who faints and subsequently suffers a concussion and doesn't come to until the morning and suddenly realizes they are in the hospital would be discharged in the afternoon without being kept in for further observation and testing, not the least of which is to discover why she fainted in the first place. Most of the time it takes that long just to get discharged, never mind how long it takes to have all the proper testing done - but it's certainly not unheard of, given our medical system. It's also strange that she has selective long term memory problems (most suffer short term memory problems with MTBI or PCS) revolving around you only, doesn't know if you're right for her but figures she'd have the mental acuity right now to determine if anyone else would be right for her while she's "apparently" still suffering the effects from a brain injury. At the very least, one would anticipate that if this actually was a severe enough brain injury, she would more interested in going to a brain injury institute to help deal with these selective memory problems and whether she should be in total charge of her child.

I'd be extremely suspicious that the story is 100% true. At the very least, I'd back off a bit and give her her space to figure herself out if she, in fact, does have a MTBI or PCS or simply doesn't want to be with you, concussion aside . A difficult situation for you for sure - brain injuries can do strange things to people and strange people can feign brain injuries effects.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 169 (view)
 
Sticky situation with a fake engagement ring ...
Posted: 10/15/2012 8:40:08 PM
But what if he proposed and it looked just like a diamond and you thought it was and he let you. Then you go to have it appraised only to be told it was gotten out of a vending machine? Would you not be upset that he lied?

That's the problem with it.


I'd be upset if he spent a schwack for a ring that could have been had for the price of one that could have been bought from a vending machine, and yet I couldn't tell the difference. If a woman can't tell the difference unless the ring is inspected, what does it matter as long as it's not turning your finger green and the stone is getting smaller every time it gets wet. Which is more the fake - the ring or the woman?

Is it important for valuation purposes for insurance or is it important because you place your self-worth on a bauble that you can't even tell is a diamond or not? Price and authenticity is only a concern if you place your value of a relationship on the value expended on you or what you might be able to sell it for, not the intent of the symbolism. Seems to me materialism is still alive and well at the same time people complain about the economy - go figure.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 6 (view)
 
Anyone else notice that Canadians are starting to revolt?
Posted: 6/28/2012 9:41:42 PM

Anyone else notice that Canadians are starting to revolt?

Nope. All I see is more of the usual general apathy - a whole lot of complaining about stuff and no one doing too much of anything meaningful - like voting in an educated way in the first place.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 30 (view)
 
Toxic Relationship? Why he wanted another guy to fuck me then loves me so much in one month?
Posted: 6/28/2012 9:33:16 PM
Rather than calling either one of you justifiable names, I'll just say the behaviour is idiotic on both your parts.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 16 (view)
 
I think I have become the security blanket……
Posted: 6/27/2012 1:27:01 PM
She's comfortable with you like a friend by the sounds of it and wants some benefits (read FWB). You, on the other hand, definitely want more. What happens when she goes on her dates with others because she likes that form of independence and one of them goes further than just a date? You'd be devastated and she'd be telling you that she told you she was dating and was up front about it. It hardly seems fair play to me if you both aren't on the same page. If it appears that she wants to see more of you in the way it used to be, then discuss that with her, with the agreement that while she does that she doesn't date for awhile and neither will you. Give it x amount of time to see if you can rekindle your relationship. However, it sounds rather dicey already if she is more concerned about what her friends might think than what either of you think - it's your relationship, not theirs.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 24 (view)
 
When you enter the comfort zone!! Is it time?
Posted: 6/27/2012 1:13:41 PM
Accidental put puts, no problem - we all experience them from time to time. I don't particularly care for the forced out variety that cling to the room in a visible cloud and aroma. If you've got the time to think about farting, you've got time to go to the can to spare everyone. My ex was a brat when it came to farts in a vehicle...he'd do an sbd and then open my window from the driver's control panel so it would be sucked out right past my nose - ahhhh the good ol' bad ol' days!
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 82 (view)
 
PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 6/23/2012 8:39:38 AM
Wow. There's a whole lot going on here. As much as the stepson needs ultimatums, so does the husband. The stepson needs to be told by the father he has x amount of time to get a job and keep it and clean up his act if he wishes to remain under the same roof and the father needs to be told he has x amount of time to make a change with the stepson or you will make a decision that's within your control. Your frustration stems from the lack of control you have in the situation.

It's all nice and airy fairy to state that a person should stay out of the child rearing of a biological parent and their child but there's a point and there's a point. This situation is out of your control, other than stating to your husband how this is affecting you and your stepdaughter. Having stated how this is affecting you, he has choices, the stepson has choices and you have choices. The status quo is obviously not working for the stepson or for anyone else who's living under the same roof. This would be a difficult enough situation to live with if the stepson was a minor because there are more alternatives available to you and your husband, but he's not.

I get a real kick out of the poster who's gone on a rant about the older generation (50's and 60's) being the cause of this sort of attitude with the present generation. Sorry, it wasn't my generation who insisted that there should be no accountability for a kid's actions or inaction. When I was raising my kids, there was no such thing as "everyone passes", "there are no failures", "no scores kept in athletics", ad nauseam. You worked for everything you got, whether it be grades in school or accomplishments in sports or any other endeavour. You were taught you have your own strengths and weaknesses and that not everyone is the same. You were applauded for your successes, assisted with your shortcomings and told when it was time to pursue something more suitable to your abilities. The real world doesn't work on "everyone's a winner" attitude, even if you put in the "least" effort. I didn't buy my kids cell phones, didn't buy them their cars, didn't pay for their insurance, etc. when they were at an age where they were capable of earning the money for such non-necessities themselves.

My kids weren't perfect growing up but during their most imperfect periods, they were given direction and consequences for their actions, each relative to the particular behaviour. I don't see this happening in this case and it's not too late to enforce it. The Op's husband apparently doesn't believe in this attitude. Sorry, but as far as I'm concerned, the OP's husband also needs to learn, even at his age, there are consequences for his actions/inaction. As much as the stepson needs to be told this, so does the husband. For your own sanity, I'd give an ultimatum of a year. At that point, you may have to move out, remain married and date until your husband gets it. That's plenty of time for everyone to turn it around and if that doesn't happen, you have the choice to leave what appears to be an unbearable situation or remain under the same roof in misery. I don't see the point - love doesn't always conquer all, particularly when there's no team playing going on. The husband and stepson both have self-centered and self-serving agendas. One's afraid to stand on his own and the other is afraid of letting him.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 85 (view)
 
Deal Breaking Quarrel
Posted: 6/15/2012 12:03:40 AM
Some months earlier, while arranging OUR FIRST coffee date, I got called in for emergency tests for a spot on my lung. He lost his temper then, too.


First time, shame on him. Second time, shame on me.

Nah...shame on you after the first date temper tantrum to consider going on one after that.

He said to my MD, "Did you know that 75% of all men test positive for HPV?" And he never gave either of us his test results. There's your first hint.

Technically, that's my second hint, but mostly shame on you again for not ending it there.

Personally, I don't give a sh*t . This has been going on for a WEEK.

Shame on you yet again. For a person to not give a sh*t and mean it, there would be no way the guy would still be available for you to see what he's posting anywhere because you would block him. (His boots?...what does that have to do with the price of eggs or this post at all?)

Seriously, although this guy sounds like a jerk, you sound like you had some desperate reason for wanting to continue to see him in the first place.


Thank you again for your feedback; I personally consider this matter closed.

That sounds good in theory and in reality it's what it should be, however, this is now some 3 weeks later and it won't be a closed matter for you until you block him from FB (and anywhere else) and stop reading what he posts, any more than it will be a closed matter for you if you keep coming back here to this thread to read responses, even if you can force yourself not to respond any further to this post you started. It wasn't a long lived relationship - let it go and drop it in your mind and be more discerning earlier on about who you choose to date in the future.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 29 (view)
 
Love, in its purest form. Can it happen more than once?
Posted: 6/12/2012 2:32:37 PM
I liken love to childbirth. At the time, it can be so painful you swear you'll never do it again, just like the break up of what you assumed was the only love of your life. Some people close themselves off because of the pain and others accept it and open themselves up to the possibilities that it will be even better the next time around, or at the very least, have just as wonderful results as when the love was there.

I don't see men as being any different than women. Ignoring the childbirth analogy, it's not a gender based thing. There are plenty of men who marry more than once, many men who are in long-term relationships more than once. I don't hear them reciting vows stating "to love you only a bit because most of my love's been all used up". Sometimes I think men are even more open to falling in love more often than women are. Most people are capable of conquering their fears and others simply can't get past them.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 21 (view)
 
is this normal or not
Posted: 6/8/2012 8:44:03 PM
You've allowed the behaviour - now it's up to you to disallow it. I have no doubt she will leave as soon as you tell her you expect fair play in the relationship. User's don't believe in fair play - that's why they're users.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 96 (view)
 
No sex from get go so no go
Posted: 6/8/2012 9:24:44 AM
I think women know within the first 2 seconds whether the guy's physical attributes appeal to them as well - guys don't hold some miraculous ability there, some just think they do. The difference is, I suppose, that most people would like to know if there's anything past the physical appeal, rather than "just" the physical appeal. Some take longer to determine whether or not the other person is one who they'd sooner tell to get lost after the sexual encounter and would like to judge that prior to the sexual encounter - it just kinda makes sense and it's just crappy that not everyone's timing is the same that way. For the guys that figure they can tell that within 2 seconds everything there is to like or dislike about a woman, they wouldn't be humping and dumping with regularity because they'd have, with that miraculous ability they seem to think they have, stayed with the person because they knew more about them than "I'd like to get me some of that". It's like some people who guzzle booze to get drunk, without even caring much one way or the other for the taste of what it is they're drinking...some people like to have sex with someone (anyone), without knowing the person AT ALL.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 14 (view)
 
Mom Is 50 and Is Competitive with me?!
Posted: 6/6/2012 8:34:00 PM

this is a real problem where the age gap between mother and daughter is small.

This would be inexcusable even if the age difference was 16 years but in this case it's 29 years age difference...unless you meant it's relatively the same difference in age upward for the OP and downward for the mother of a man they're both interested in.

You can't stop doing things with your mother altogether but I'd suggest putting flirting with anyone on hold while you're out with her, no matter how hawt you might think a guy is. If she doesn't notice you eyeballing someone, there won't be anything for her to compete with you about. Save it for when you're out with your peers. Chances are they won't be as interested in the older guys the way you are and you'll have no competition to pursue them.

I'd also stop assisting your mom with her dating life. If she hasn't figured out how to do it on her own at her age, it's about time she did.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 39 (view)
 
No sex from get go so no go
Posted: 6/6/2012 12:31:08 PM
No, there's absolutely nothing wrong with her. She's just slow to make decisions - like not deciding to give this guy the boot because of his pressuring and manipulating. She ruminates about when may be the best time to have sex (for her) the same way. As I said, it's a personality type - we can't all be quick decision makers and/or live with those decisions without guilting ourselves to death once those decisions are made.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 32 (view)
 
No sex from get go so no go
Posted: 6/6/2012 11:28:34 AM
I was just thinking about this. It reminds me of different people's shopping styles. For instance, I know what I want and what appeals to me before I even go out looking. I make big purchases like houses and vehicles the same way. Line a bunch up, take a look at them all in one day and then buy within no more than a day - two tops. Other people think it to death and take months of looking and wind up dissatisfied in the end anyway. It's more of a personality type than being afraid of or not afraid of sex. People can be more uncertain of themselves rather than that which they are going after.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 24 (view)
 
No sex from get go so no go
Posted: 6/6/2012 10:10:49 AM

He made me feel very bad about it saying I make him feel unactactive n ugly n if he finds perfect girl he will make her feel like a queen n he has other option bc he is going to Vegas soon.

Hopefully you've given the guy the boot. Whaaaaaaa...you made him feel unattractive and ugly because you couldn't wait to rip his pants off - the poor baby. What a ploy. He wanted to make you feel bad for him and it apparently worked. Then to tell you he's going to Vegas to get some because he has options? You're apparently just one of his options and if you won't give it to him within his time frame, eh, no biggy, he'll get it elsewhere. Ya know what? Sight unseen, the guy IS unattractive and ugly. That fact you are only dating and he is under no obligation to not have sex elsewhere at this point isn't the issue - the issue is that you can see right from the get go that he's a manipulator, which is a tactic he would use on you whether it had to do with sex or anything else that didn't go his way.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 5 (view)
 
Old Fashion Values vs Modern Attitudes
Posted: 6/5/2012 1:26:24 PM

but these MODERN women are always ending up "empty handed"

hmm...isn't that precisely what you're claiming as well while being TRADITIONAL?


don't even know I'm alive and breathing

Pushing men away by being overly aggressive doesn't work any better than sitting back longing for someone you desire. You have to know when to be a little bit of both - not all out in either direction. If there's a guy you'd love to ask you out but he's not seeming to notice you, he's either not going to be the take charge guy you think he is because he hasn't got the jam to asked you out or, alternatively, you simply may not be of interest to him because you appear to be too timid for his liking (or any other of the usual reasons that come into play). Like fishing, you can't catch a fish if you just sit in the boat and expect them to jump from the water into your lap - you have to bait your hook and actually cast it and see if a fish shows any interest to the point of biting it. Doesn't matter what gender you are.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 26 (view)
 
Contact from EX Flame - do I engage convo with him?
Posted: 6/4/2012 7:16:10 PM
I dunno, maybe it's just me, but how does a guy who's verbally and emotionally abusive while in a "love relationship" with you somehow become more respectful towards you when you've downgraded the relationship to just that of a friend? Does it suddenly mean nothing to you if he calls you a bloody clueless typical female idiot? How does that work?
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 10 (view)
 
Contact from EX Flame - do I engage convo with him?
Posted: 6/4/2012 10:58:31 AM
(.Y.) Eureka!!! It works!!
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 4 (view)
 
Contact from EX Flame - do I engage convo with him?
Posted: 6/4/2012 10:42:35 AM
Unless you believe a texted smiley face is an indication that he's stopped being a drinking abuse hurler, I'd not respond in any way, shape or form. I'd suggest you find other male company who you can have good times with but doesn't have the Dr. Jeckyll/Mr. Hyde personality traits. You weren't "soul mates" because he wasn't good for your soul. Some good attention and times is not better than no attention at all.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 90 (view)
 
Single old male - I must therefore be a predator
Posted: 6/2/2012 10:54:40 AM

I took it as meaning he was simply passing by the houses as he was walking on the sidewalk, but the loonies here have obviously read much more into it, and gone into attack mode.

As I said, he spoke nothing of trying to talk to them or going on their property.


True - his post was a little ambiguous and subject to interpretation. The word "approach" can be used as in: "I approached the curve in the road" or "I approached the child to ask a question about the game they were playing". Eh...if it's some guy who walks down the street and isn't directly approaching the child, the parents need a smack upside the head - if he's approaching children in a deliberate manner, he's the one that needs it.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 80 (view)
 
Single old male - I must therefore be a predator
Posted: 6/2/2012 7:47:21 AM
Each time I approach a child playing on their yard or sidewalk, their mother immediately either runs over to form a barrier, or calls the child over to her.

It all depends on if you mean you are simply approaching the vicinity of the child or if you are actually approaching the child and attempting to strike up a conversation with them. They are two entirely different things. Although there are way over-protective parents out there, I find it difficult to believe that "each" time you are simply walking down the street going about your own business that a mother would panic and form a barrier or call the child over. If you're talking about one individual child and one individual mother where this occurs but not all children in the neighbourhood and not all mothers, it would more likely be a case of an over-protective parent. If you are actually consistently approaching children who are in their yards or sidewalk with the intent of striking up a conversation with them, rather than just a friendly "hi" as you pass them, I'd be that parent questioning your motives and keeping a baseball bat at the ready.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 430 (view)
 
Divorced? Would you re-marry?
Posted: 5/31/2012 1:17:27 PM
Sounds more to me that marriage isn't the problem, so much as having kids while married is the problem. It may well be why you find so many who have kids live an unsatisfactory married life until the kids reach the age of majority and then divorce. Then it's blamed on a "mid-life crisis" and one or the other partner "didn't see it coming" when, in fact, the crisis was there all along and one party may have had their blinders on and the other just didn't want the horror that they've heard about from so many others experiencing custody, child support and financial problems.

Divorce is difficult enough without children involved - I can't imagine what it would be like when they are. Everyone thinks they're 100% blameless when it comes to these fights over custody and child support but there's generally the third side to the story. The guy I see has his own story when it comes to his daughter and his ex, but I can still see where he's made all kinds of mistakes himself to be part of the problem, but in his mind it's all one-sided and she's the evil biotch, much like many of the posters in this thread if you knew the true story and not their one-sided version of it, both men and women.

I'm not saying there isn't a lopsided system in a number of ways, but I'm sure there is some form of contribution to the problem by both parties when the matter actually winds up being brought to the courts instead of working things out between yourselves before it reaches that stage - unfortunately, in some cases that's an impossibility because of different matters that come into play. It's funny (not) what hate and hurt make both men and women capable of.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 405 (view)
 
Divorced? Would you re-marry?
Posted: 5/30/2012 2:03:01 PM
I believe that non-marital relationships can get just as stale as marital relationships. Married or not, the individuals are the one's who keep it fresh, or let it become humdrum - nothing to do with the type of relationship their in.

Very true. I know a large number of people who have been married 30 years+ and they're just as loving, caring, supportive and enthralled with each other as they were from the beginning. I've also known a number of people who have never been married to each other and have just as much chemistry with each other as they ever did. It's more a case of compatibility from the get go - marriage or otherwise doesn't create it or keep it going.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 401 (view)
 
Divorced? Would you re-marry?
Posted: 5/30/2012 1:43:54 PM
I wouldn't get married again. I like having my own space, time and finances. I'm fortunate enough to have a partner who's on the same page, and that's what it's all about. If your need is to be married then that's the type of individual you seek out - not conforming to someone else's desires for fear of losing them. There are as many different relationship styles as there are people who seek them. Do whatever makes you the happiest, whether it be the need to be married, common-law, commited but separate living arrangments, etc.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 19 (view)
 
Face-eating zombies!!
Posted: 5/29/2012 2:54:06 PM

Illegal aliens don't stop breaking the law once they've sneaked in, as shown by the fact they are 30% of the inmates of federal prisons.


As opposed to the 70% law abiding American citizens - who are are the rest of the prison population. Rah Rah - go team USA!!
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 33 (view)
 
Does this person seem mentally unstable to you? What, if anything, is wrong with them?
Posted: 5/29/2012 11:18:11 AM
It's both a case of when and how to extricate yourself from him. If these are the things you ARE aware of about him, there may be further things you aren't aware of about him. I'd exit as soon as possible but in a well thought out and planned way.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 33 (view)
 
Do long distance cyber affairs ever lead to something wonderful?
Posted: 5/29/2012 10:17:20 AM
If you had lost your libido because of hormonal changes beyond your control and medication just wasn't doing the trick, I'm sure your husband would be just as frustrated with you. Ultimately, caring people who purport to "love" one another discuss these matters together and come to some resolution together, even if that means splitting up or going a more unconventional route of agreeing the other can have an affair(s). What you're doing is no less obnoxious than all these guys who just want to get their jollies by stroking off on cam. You find it exciting and stimulating in the moment but you're obviously feeling it to be just as empty now as it is with the sexual relationship you have with your husband. Does this ever lead to something wonderful? I suppose it can if both parties are single and/or if both parties have something else going on other than just cybering by words and by cam. You don't have it and likely won't have it. I'd suggest you come back to reality, discuss your situation with your husband and work at resolving the issue even if that means leaving. Or are you one of those people that's just hoping the spouse will kick off because of illnesses and age and you won't have to do anything about it because that's just too emotionally and financially messy for you? I feel sorry for your husband - you're just sorry.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 18 (view)
 
Unruly Children
Posted: 5/28/2012 12:20:08 PM
argh...it infuriates me. I've ran across very respectful, well-mannered kids, don't get me wrong, but there are so many kids in so many places who are simply ill-mannered brats. I dunno...my brother and sister were raised by the same parents as I was but my sister is 9 years younger than me and 12 years younger than my brother. My brother and I tended to discipline our kids the same way my parents did and we had very little problem with ours growing up and my parents were by no means harsh disciplinarians but were firm - I think I was grounded more often than I was free...lol. I couln't begin to tell you where my sister's attitude about raising children wound up being so different but her kids are spoiled and unruley to the point everyone stopped inviting them over and would, instead, go to their place so we could escape when it got to be too much and so our house didn't get wrecked - runnng through the house with muddy feet, pushing the screens out of doors, kicking pets, talking back, you name it. My sister would be on the phone and the kids would interrupt the shortest conversation and I spent more time listening to their conversations than what our call would be about. She homeschooled her kids because she didn't like having to deal with kids when she was in school cuz she didn't want their feelings to be hurt for this, that and the other reason, instead of teaching them how to deal with the situations. When she'd enroll them in classes outside of homeschooling, she'd complain that "there sure are an awful lot of people who just don't like kids" when they were kicked out and she was told not to bring them back. I think my mother, in particular, changed her parenting style when it came to my sister and it's majorly affected her own parenting style.

I have neighbours behind me whose 3 children are are 7 and under that drive us nuts in the summer. We have a 127 lb. yellow lab they antagonize and tease and the dog has better manners than these kids - and the parents are right out there in the back watching them do it. They'll deliberately throw toys at the dog to get a reaction - strangely enough, the dog has learned to ignore them after being told to sit and stop barking and yet the kids aren't being taught the same respect as a fricking dog!

Don't get me started on kids in restaurants and stores. There's a time and place for kids to intermingle with other adults as far as I'm concerned - and that's when they've first developed manners at home or at Chucky Cheeze where none of the parents have a problem with screaming, running kids. Thank gawd we now have some adult only restaurants where I live. Just because you think your kids are cute when they're undisciplined, doesn't mean the general public does. Gotta love the child sized grocery carts that are perfect for slamming into my shins - I think I've started to develop shopping cart rage!

There's no end of examples of ill-mannered kids out there. I'd blame it on parents going over board because of guilt with both parents working, but my own sister is a prime example of that not being the case. Ridiculous political correctness and intereference by the (non)experts has created a disaster. Hopefully people will come to their senses in the next generation - it's not impossible...right???
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 13 (view)
 
Sharing interests
Posted: 5/27/2012 6:36:24 AM
My ex was way into ponds and gardening in the back yard. It wasn't my interest, although I enjoyed the results (it's why I decided to be the one to move so he could continue to enjoy his hobby). I'd help occasionally or visit on the deck to keep him company at times and other times I'd go off and do my own things I enjoyed. A boyfriend after that was way into junior lacrosse to the point that he coached it. I didn't know a thing about it but would go to some of the games and to some of the "major league" games with him. Other men I have dated, that I enjoyed the company of less, had zero of their own interests and I felt it rather cloying that they wanted me to be their 24/7 source of entertainment. So, I'd sooner have someone who did have other interests that I could show an interest in from time to time and vice versa, but not necessarily in an all-encompassing way. Sometimes it's nice to have your space.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 63 (view)
 
Why Do Some Women Want To Marry So Quickly ?
Posted: 5/26/2012 9:34:09 PM

Ohhhh come on now guys....ADMIT IT.....many of your male buddies are EXACTLY the same way. After my divorce....every man I dated more than 5 times started talking about getting married!

That was exactly my experience as well. I prefer men who give more considered thought to anything that is as life changing. I don't know what it is when you tell a guy you aren't interested in marriage from the get go and they haven't listened and figure they're the one to change your mind - it apparently isn't just women who do this, contrary to popular belief.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 194 (view)
 
Casual sex linked to depression
Posted: 5/26/2012 9:01:40 PM
do believe that being unfulfilled in one's romantic life can most certainly lead to depression. we all have a need to be loved and give love. the fact that men and women are built so differently when it comes to sex & love is really a cruel joke.

I don't know that I'd agree so much with the last sentence but it may have more to do with age than anything. The number of women in the forums and in my circle of acquaintances who say that they don't want the typical relationship where sex leads to a full blown relationship seems to be outnumbering those who say that sex equals a relationship - they do tend to be able to separate the two and are perhaps more fulfilled because of it. It doesn't mean they don't love and respect the individual they have sex with - they just understand that it doesn't have to be the "typical" type of relationship. Younger people tend to be more affected by peer pressure to either have sex when they don't want to or to think there's something the matter with them if they aren't in a relationship. Too bad they can't seem to be counselled by their own parents on this as they grow up instead of having "some" misguided counsellors with agendas screwing with their head even further.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 28 (view)
 
My ex, the new girlfriend and our kids, advice please
Posted: 5/26/2012 8:43:19 PM
My son was 17 and my daughter 18 when my ex started dating his girlfriend a few weeks after we split. My son decided to stay with his father (he didn't want him to be "alone") while my daughter moved with me, so my son really had no choice but to meet her. I totally stayed out of their choices of whether or not to be involved with his girlfriend. It started out by them all doing things together and my daughter even doing things with just the girlfriend, but after they got to know her, they made up their minds they didn't like her for various reasons and after a year or so, decided they'd just as soon avoid her.

Through all this, the only thing I did encourage them to do was to make time to see their father and if that meant the only time they could was when she was there, to be respectful to her and walk away at times she or he would make things difficult to be in her presence.

Fast forward to now when they're 28 and 29 - they totally can't stand her and their father has frustrated and angered them at times because of her to the point they don't like to visit him if they know she's going to be there. It now feels like an obligation to them to visit him but I still remind them to call him or go for a short visit. I would never tell them to stay away, even when she's there. They've come to their own conclusions as adults. Yours will also over time and so will your youngest. Just stay the course and remind them their father is the one who is important to make time for and if your oldest do decide to meet her, to be respectful. If they come to you with tales about the woman, don't fuel their fire but do suggest diplomatic ways to handle whatever the situation may be.

I did ask my kids if they'd like it if the shoe was on the other foot and how they would feel if their father refused to see them with their partners because the partners they chose at any given time weren't their father's first/best choice as a mate for them - how would that make them feel? I believe that softened their stance, but it was still not pushing them to do something - just to consider how their actions (or inaction) may make their father feel.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 1007 (view)
 
Feminism Your Views
Posted: 5/25/2012 12:45:42 PM

how can people argue that the family unit hasnt eroded over the past 50 years....more babies being born out of wedlock...divorce rates higher....started going downhill when women entered the worforce enmasse and hyphenating their last names after marriage

Ever stop to think it has more to do with "people" - not just women, not just men - having an incredible inability to plan their lives out? There is such a display of instant gratification/greed. Don't plan to have a family - just screw around and use minimal birth control methods and call it an "accident" should a pregnancy result. Or only one of you "plan" to have a child without consulting the other. Don't be set up financially for it either so one person CAN stay home to look after them at least until they enter school. Now that you have them under those conditions, that cramped lil apartment that was great for romantic interludes isn't going to be convenient, you say. Soooo, we need to get a bigger place - but wait!!...we have friends who have a house and we can't be made to feel like we aren't just as successful and have our chit together, so let's buy a house that we can't afford, let alone not being able to afford the children we're producing. Oh dear, now we can't afford to have one of us stay with the children - guess we'll both have to go out to work and we can blame the "economy" and the mortgage lenders for making our instant gratification whims so available to us. Now things aren't so great, we fight all the time and we really didn't know each other all that well while we decided to have that next to unprotected sex that started the whole ball rolling. It's unbearable - I want out of this relationship/family! Damn that feminism!! Let's blame it - after all, we have no culpability in the matter.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 985 (view)
 
Feminism Your Views
Posted: 5/23/2012 10:15:36 AM
And by the way........I might be a little paranoid about militant lesbian feminists out of New York.....but what I said about overthrowing the patriarchy and establishing a matriarchy?.. how many female-headed households are there now? How many unmarried mothers? How many children growing up in virtually fatherless homes? If that isn't the wet dream of militant feminist lesbians come true, I don't know what is.


I'd attribute that more to pure stupidity on the part of both males and females, rather than anything to do with any feminist movement. People who are too young, too incompatible, or too lax in their birth control methods to begin with creating kids when they have no business doing so. Was it the feminist movement or a move by society at large that demanded men be held responsible, at least financially, for the children they helped produce, rather than the responsibility being foisted on society at large? There can only be so many nurse or clerical positions available and only so many women being suited to those good ol' (way old) traditional "female" jobs. Women may not have the same ability as men when it comes to positions requiring strength, however, they're every bit as intelligent as men when it comes to the non-physical jobs. I'll grant that the payment structure needs to be corrected in a number of cases when it comes to child support. Now tell me how you correct stupid when it comes to people in relationships that create kids?
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 838 (view)
 
Feminism Your Views
Posted: 5/12/2012 9:09:03 AM
@ LilyBeyaz: The examples provided are both extremes. The original post I was responding to was where the man paying the exorbitant amount was the custodial father and the mother was the one who had visitation rights, which is an extreme. The father is already paying for the daily needs of the child because the child lives with him the "majority" of the time. Your extreme is at the opposite end of the spectrum. There should be a balance, not an extreme of either example. If it's a case of the wealthy man having a child or children who go to private schools etc. and he isn't the custodial parent, a direct payment should be made to the various entities, not to the mother who may or may not choose to use it for those express purposes. To me, it's an example of the feminist pendulum having swung too far in the opposite direction.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 1 (view)
 
Extreme/Attachment Parenting
Posted: 5/12/2012 8:39:52 AM
I'm just curious what others think about some of the examples of extreme or attachment parenting that have popped up in the news lately - from women chewing food for their child and feeding it to them mouth to mouth, to parents having all their children sleep communally in their bed with them until they're close to 10 years old or beyond, to this week's cover page of a woman being shown breast feeding her child who is standing on a chair and attached to her breast. Are you in favour, disapprove, or are indifferent? What do you believe are the benefits or detriments which can be associated with the above examples of what has been termed either extreme or attachment parenting, or any other examples which I haven't included?
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 834 (view)
 
Feminism Your Views
Posted: 5/11/2012 4:06:03 PM
$8,000 per month for a kid to have a lifestyle to which he's become accustomed??!! I figure the kid should get a little less accustomed. That's where things have become so way out of hand. There has to be a limit, otherwise it simply becomes spousal support under the guise of child support, particularly if the father has the overwhelming amount of custody.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 28 (view)
 
public display of affection
Posted: 5/9/2012 6:19:24 PM
Some people aren't great at reading body language and some people aren't great at giving body language. As your next relationship starts to get off the ground, don't leave it to chance and discuss the woman's acceptable levels of PDA and then respect it.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 101 (view)
 
Pornography
Posted: 5/9/2012 6:10:39 PM
Even though this is an old post and the OP is no longer around, the topic is one that many women have a problem with. The majority of men will enjoy porn in one manner or another from time to time, and yes, horror of horrors, even masturbate to it or recall it while having sex with you, whether you are aware of it or not. In the case of the original OP, watching porn isn't the problem as far as I see it - the problem is the obsession with it to the point of not being able to control one's self until the appropriate time - when you're being paid to do a job and instead are working on another type of job, it's an inappropriate time.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 181 (view)
 
The Other Woman
Posted: 5/9/2012 5:39:22 PM

Personally, I can't live day to day not knowing that my sweetie is doing okay, so we are constantly in touch. Does that mean that because he's my soulmate and understands me better than anyone, that I think we should be married? No, not necessarily. But the connection will always be there and I always want him in my life, even if that just means email buddies. It makes me feel better, and I could never replace him.

This sounds more like a case of unrequited love. What is being stated in the above is what one states of a person they are in a full and total relationship with, not one that lives for the dregs of attention that can be diminished to the point of being "Email buddies" if all else fails. I have no problem with men and women being best friends - friends come in many forms - but to call someone your "sweetie" and "soulmate", or in the case of the OP "the other woman", goes beyond friendship. Neither the man or the woman in cases such as this can be fully involved in a totally satisfying and fulfilling relationship. The single person in the equation will hold themselves back from entering a new relationship if they maintain this type of tie. One person winds up having the best of both worlds, even if there is no sex involved, while the other is left to pine away for something they don't have.

This isn't criticism of the relationship so much as it being a case of seeing it from the outside looking in - something that the person(s) involved can't see for themselves because of the emotional entanglement they can't, for whatever reason, seem to disentangle themselves from. The constant justifications for the "need" for the contact sounds like it could lead to bouts of depression and anxiety, never mind frustration. Even people in healthy relationships understand they don't "need" to be constantly in touch to know the other is "doing ok". This type of relationship sounds more soul sucking than it does soul mates. I wouldn't need to walk in someone's shoes to know that those shoes are an unhealthy, constricting fit for the owner of said shoes.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 23 (view)
 
read this guys.. tell me what is happening
Posted: 5/1/2012 6:53:05 AM

I let them have there time (roughly 3 months) then the next thing i know he still wants to sleep with me...

First, you'd have to explain to me, if he's living with someone else, why you would be having any conversations with him that get to the point of him telling you he still wants to sleep with you. His present girlfriend would probably find that pretty annoying of both of you.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 9 (view)
 
Woman stops communicating. I’d seen her online a few times & assume disinterest
Posted: 4/27/2012 9:12:37 AM
I suppose it depends on just how much communicating you did before she stopped. Was it after one Email...2? Or did you have a solid weeks worth and things were flying back and forth and a lot being said and then she simply dropped off without telling you she was going to be busy for the next couple of weeks? You may well just be the over-anxious sort (which can be a real turn off to many). Can't know unless you provide more info. The fact is she did respond back and gave an explanation. She really doesn't owe you anything more. You're being rather deceptive yourself by planting a question in your Q&A Email about deception. If it bothers you so much, tell her you think she's BSing and that you're put off and see where that gets you. Good luck!
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 797 (view)
 
Feminism Your Views
Posted: 4/26/2012 12:04:06 PM
You bring up 4 women that contributed....really, we arent saying women never helped, they did, but the overall majority of pretty much everything we have today was invented, designed and built by men.


http://www.women-inventors.com/
http://www.buzzle.com/articles/famous-women-scientists.html
http://chemistry.about.com/od/womeninchemistry/a/womenchemistry.htm
If you want more, here's some. These are only the "famous" ones and only from three categories. Enlighten yourself by doing further research and stop pretending that men are the overal majority. The number of women behind the scenes who never got recognition or had their work actually stolen by men throughout history is staggering. As has been said before, the drawback to women having been able to achieve just as much or more than men has been caused by women not having had the opportunity. It will be very interesting to see, now that more women than men are in post-secondary education, who will be more responsible for further advancements in all those areas previously believed to be the jurisdiction of men alone or the "majority". The stats here in Canada as of 2010 were 71% women to 65% men. http://www4.hrsdc.gc.ca/.3ndic.1t.4r@-eng.jsp?iid=29#M_2
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 792 (view)
 
Feminism Your Views
Posted: 4/26/2012 11:13:09 AM

As some point all movements become more about their own power structure and the leaders maintaining their franchise.

I see it more about them maintaining an interest in the event there is the possibility of backsliding - such as Sharia Law which was mentioned above. Do you believe that we, in North America, should stand by and allow women to be stoned or body parts chopped off because it's "someone else's" religion and even more particularly within our own borders? If you don't think any feminist movement is still at work and it's just about maintaining a power structure and leaders' franchise, you're sadly mistaken and out of touch with the reality of what women may be subject to without someone champion their cause, including the male feminists who stand beside them who have a belief in right v. wrong. If you believe black individuals, both men and women, are no longer discriminated against because you have a black president, you're also sadly mistaken or simply choose to go through life with your blinders on.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 132 (view)
 
The Other Woman
Posted: 4/26/2012 10:48:44 AM
Marriage is organized crime.

Apparently so, being that his wife is the major bread winner and it's one of his reasons for staying put.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 787 (view)
 
Feminism Your Views
Posted: 4/26/2012 8:49:54 AM

what will happen to your daughters then??

They'll make use of the 2nd Amendment. Bullet beats stone!
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 20 (view)
 
Humour
Posted: 4/26/2012 8:39:45 AM
Even better is a guy who can laugh at himself. People who can laugh at situations about everything but themselves can get pretty annoying. I'm not talking about making jokes at someone else's expense either - just funny things that happen that make a person laugh, but when it happens to them they get angry instead of being able to see the humorous side of things.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 53 (view)
 
we have a BRAND NEW body type designation!
Posted: 4/26/2012 7:45:48 AM
Most computers and cell phones now have built in video cams. For those who just can't wait to find out the burning question until you meet up, use that instead. It'll help with the whole weight thing, the age thing, and any other things that are perceived to be physical deal breakers.
 
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