Older women, not wanting to date men their age. chat & forums.

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Thread: Older women, not wanting to date men their age.

kebemik

Joined: 1/4/2009

Msg: 434 (view)

Older women, not wanting to date men their age. Posted: 11/27/2009 3:02:22 PM
My preference is for someone within 10 years of my age. HOWEVER.... I made an exception once for a much younger man on this site. His profile told me that he had been places and done things in his life that were beyond his years and that he had plans and was going places. That's more than I can say for a lot of men at ANY age. It was the best pof date I've had.

kebemik

Joined: 1/4/2009

Msg: 90 (view)

Have any other women experienced this? Posted: 11/26/2009 7:29:52 PM
Mostly I've been pretty lucky. I've had some great conversations. But there was one guy who spent at least 15 minutes trying to impress me by telling just about the most boring story I've ever heard. When he finally stopped to take a breath, he asked if I had any hobbies. He interrupted me about 10 seconds into my answer (I am not exaggerating!) and said it was boring and he didn't want to hear any more about it, then proceeded to talk more about himself. I figured he was nervous and trying to impress me, so I listened politely, but that was part of the reason there was no second date. I try to have a balanced conversation. I don't expect the man to have to ask me about my day, though I appreciate it if he does! I try to ask interesting questions and bring up interesting topics. I don't always succeed - sometimes I just have an "off" day or I'm preoccupied or something. Maybe your dates were nervous or maybe they were waiting for you to offer a topic. Maybe they didn't want to feel like they were prying by asking questions.

kebemik

Joined: 1/4/2009

Msg: 17 (view)

Asking A Girl If She's Comfortable With Pace Posted: 11/24/2009 3:51:44 PM
She's shy. She's waiting for you to make a move. Make one! I'm not suggesting dragging her by the hair back to your cave. But fer cryin' out loud, kiss her!!!!!!!!

kebemik

Joined: 1/4/2009

Msg: 18 (view)

Selfish or natural? Posted: 11/23/2009 7:51:52 PM
I think it's pretty natural to feel a little jealous. Missing her is not the same as wishing that she didn't have the good fortune to meet someone. Think about this, though. If this guy turns out to be great, maybe he also has some great single friends that you will get introduced to. I am always happy to see friends in good relationships. The more the better. If it were rare, I wouldn't have much hope for finding a good relationship for me. Don't think of it as you against the couples. Enjoy being who you are where you are right now. Let them be a little envious of you. Appreciate the advantages you have. Although I would love to have a boyfriend, I still have fun with my married friends and I enjoy the parts of single life (lots of freedom, no one else to worry about, usually easier to do things spur of the moment) that aren't available to those in relationships.

kebemik

Joined: 1/4/2009

Msg: 68 (view)

Secrets Posted: 11/22/2009 8:57:41 PM
If I met the right man, I'd want him to know my life story and I'd want to know his. So in that regard, I have no secrets. But I wouldn't want us to bore each other to death by telling it all at once! (No matter how fascinating your life is, by this age there is a LOT of it!) I expect though, that by "secrets" the OP means do we have something we're afraid to share or that we think is a dealbreaker in a relationship. If I thought I had any "dealbreakers" in my past, present, or future, I would probably not bring them up on the first date, but I'd get them on the table sooner rather than later and I hope that a man would do the same. I'd rather find out early that we are not a match. I'd hate to get really attached and then find out that the man uses drugs, has a significant medical condition, is bankrupt, etc.

kebemik

Joined: 1/4/2009

Msg: 3 (view)

Looking for Opinions Posted: 11/19/2009 11:30:07 AM
I'd leave out the living at home part which is not especially relevant for someone your age. I think the real issue is the circumstances that have brought you home. I'm not asking you to give out details here, but the real concern would be "resolving a family situation" and what that is all about. If you are dealing with ailing parents/siblings or something like that, it might not be ideal, but you would probably get some bonus points for being a caring and responsible man. If you have toxic relatives - alcoholics, drug addicts, criminals - then it would be a red flag that many women will avoid. If it involves children you fathered from a previous relationship, it's also negative in many ways and not something a young, single, childless woman would likely want to be a part of. Basically it comes down to whether you are responsible for the "situation" or are taking responsibility for the situation. In other words, are you the cause of the problem, or are you part of the solution?

kebemik

Joined: 1/4/2009

Msg: 16 (view)

Are things THAT bad? Posted: 11/18/2009 4:05:33 PM
Better ways to meet men? I'm all ears. The main advantage of this site (or so I thought when I signed up) was that if you met someone here, you knew they were looking, too. IRL, if you meet someone, you don't know what their marital status is, if they have a gf/bf, or if they're even interested in having one. But I've also discovered that's the case for many people here. I'm not talking about the forum only members who say so outright. They are easy to filter so no problem. I think there are quite a few who are not truthful about their marital status or about what they are looking for. Definitely not a good thing. Diamonds? Nope. Real estate.

kebemik

Joined: 1/4/2009

Msg: 9 (view)

What's your take on agressive ladies? Posted: 11/18/2009 3:53:27 PM
My experience has been that men say they like it but they really don't. At least not in a way that is likely to lead to a good relationship. I think what they like is knowing that a woman finds them attractive. That doesn't mean that they would actually want to have a relationship with the woman or even go out with her. I think they just want the ego satisfaction. For some men, a woman making the first move is a sign to him that she is easy or desperate, so for a man who is just looking for a fling, that might have some appeal. Several men have even told me that they have fantasies of being kidnapped or stalked - kind of the extreme case of a woman being aggressive. Anyone who has actually experienced such a thing can tell you it is nothing to hope for in real life. I think it just means that they want to have sex, but without any responsibility.

kebemik

Joined: 1/4/2009

Msg: 3 (view)

Favorites page: Hightlighted profiles? Posted: 11/17/2009 7:44:18 AM
I'd like to know, too. There is a profile on the top of my list. I think it's the same guy every time (not someone I've favorited). What's up with that? Is he supposed to be some sort of super match for me or something? Is he a "serious member" who has paid to get put on the top of other people's lists?

kebemik

Joined: 1/4/2009

Msg: 7 (view)

The Right apporach Posted: 11/16/2009 3:31:23 PM
I don't like cameras either, but I found out that no pic = no contact. If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten. So if you don't like the results you've gotten before, you need to change. It's entirely your choice and under your control, no one else's. Good luck!

kebemik

Joined: 1/4/2009

Msg: 16 (view)

What exactly does no Games and no Drama mean? Posted: 11/16/2009 3:05:13 PM
First of all, I wouldn't put it directly on my profile, because it seems to indicate that either the person who writes it is guilty of it, or that the person who writes it is a magnet for it. To me, games means behaving in a manipulative way. It means pretending that you do or don't have other dates when the opposite is true. It means playing hard to get. It means deliberately not calling or messaging someone in an attempt to control the situation and not look too eager. It means stringing someone along when you have no intention of meeting them but are just bored and trying to amuse yourself. It means deliberately saying or doing something to upset the other person in order to keep them on edge and guessing. It means leading someone on when you are just looking for a fling. It means pretending to be someone that you are not. It means lying about your intentions. It means lying about your marital status or employment. Pretty much anything that involves dishonesty could be "games" but some people think that little lies somehow don't count. They are wrong and they are playing games. To me drama can mean two different things, both bad. One, it can mean making a mountain out of a molehill. Acting like a parking ticket or a broken fingernail is worthy of an Academy Award is drama. Two, it can mean having an excess of genuine drama in your life. Having a stalker ex, using drugs or being involved with people who do, criminal issues, major financial problems - those are big drama issues that most of us don't want to get caught up in.

kebemik

Joined: 1/4/2009

Msg: 10 (view)

What should you say when a girl tells you she's fat? Posted: 11/15/2009 5:59:42 PM
I think most women who say this (or make any other negative comments about their bodies) are looking for reassurance that you like them as they are. So if you do like her as she is, try to convey it. If she is normal or thin, tell her that she's gorgeous and maybe even say that you'd hate to see her lose weight. If she actually does need to lose some weight, tell her that she's gorgeous and you like her just as she is. If you have a VERY good relationship with a woman who needs to lose weight, it is possible that she is looking for some support to do that. It is possible that she is asking you to encourage her, go to the gym with her, avoid dates where you eat a lot, or something along those lines. It may be the opening for a very honest discussion. The best bet here, rather than offer advice, is to ask her what she would like you to do to help. Be careful about offering advice, unless she asks for it.

kebemik

Joined: 1/4/2009

Msg: 15 (view)

Do you consider your equal? Posted: 11/15/2009 3:56:57 PM
If I meet my equal here, I'll date him. But he'll have to message me first. ;-)

kebemik

Joined: 1/4/2009

Msg: 2 (view)

Profile Review Essential for Me Posted: 11/14/2009 6:48:42 PM
The profile is not so bad, but your post here is very negative and self-pitying. Try to lose that attitude and be more confident. Your picture is fine, but more pictures are always a good idea. Consider writing a little bit about what you are looking for in a date. What kind of woman are you hoping to meet? Group things by paragraph. Put all the acting comments in one paragraph, the goals in another paragraph. If you have additional ambitions and goals, that would be nice to hear about. Good luck!

kebemik

Joined: 1/4/2009

Msg: 5 (view)

ok, do me. Posted: 11/14/2009 6:43:55 PM
Use paragraphs. Leave out anything negative. In particular, leave out the "first car wreck." It sounds like you are planning to have more. You might consider leaving out the male hearthrobs from your interests list. I think if I were a guy and a woman listed Brad Pitt or anyone like that, I would think twice about contacting her unless I were equally good looking.

kebemik

Joined: 1/4/2009

Msg: 2 (view)

Profile review pleasseee? Posted: 11/14/2009 6:27:15 PM
I'd recommend getting rid of all the lol's. Even for people who don't find them annoying, the large number of them gets very repetitive. (Maybe it's different for people in your age range.) Second, you are in Ohio, but say that you might go to school in Tennessee. That may discourage some guys who don't want to start something that will end next year. I think it's fine to have that in your profile - never lie - but it may explain a low number of hits. Good luck!

kebemik

Joined: 1/4/2009

Msg: 10 (view)

When you read a good profile, what does it tell you and how? Posted: 11/10/2009 12:16:05 PM
A good profile tells me who the person is, where he has been, where he is going. It gives me an idea of what separates him from the rest of the pack. It tells me enough about his interests and his life to give me an idea of whether they would blend with mine. It gives me an idea of whether we might have anything interesting to talk about and whether it would be fun to date him. It tells me how he looks at the world, himself, and others. It gives me an idea of how he regards women and how he treats them.

kebemik

Joined: 1/4/2009

Msg: 2 (view)

Strike 23! Not Even a Ball Posted: 11/9/2009 3:10:21 PM
I'd say yes it was a brush off. One reason for no luck might be because your main picture looks as though you are naked. That may be scaring off most women. Another is that you are separated. Most women will not date someone who is not yet divorced.

kebemik

Joined: 1/4/2009

Msg: 10 (view)

Complement POF Emails Posted: 11/8/2009 9:49:02 PM
I view it as an act of kindness, too. I receive messages like that and they are always appreciated. I send complimentary messages to both men and women when I see something in a profile or a forum post that I like. I almost always get an answer back. When I do this, it's usually obvious that I'm not flirting because it's either a woman, a man who is 1000 miles away, or someone way out of my age range. Only once was one of these messages taken as a sign of interest and it let to a nice date with a man I would not otherwise have met.

kebemik

Joined: 1/4/2009

Msg: 21 (view)

Thoughts about mutually beneficial relationships Posted: 11/7/2009 7:33:25 PM
I know a man who does this, then does not understand why his girlfriends leave him once they have the jewelry or the credit card is paid off or he has fixed whatever problem they had that they used him for. There are exceptions to every rule, but generally speaking, I would regard a man like this as foolish. Especially if he's done it more than once and hasn't learned from it.

kebemik

Joined: 1/4/2009

Msg: 18 (view)

How to make a girl feel special? Posted: 11/7/2009 7:29:58 PM
If you are looking for that one special woman, I would say that 1-4 are important, but 5 depends on your interpretation of "pamper." Just my opinion here, but I think if by pamper you mean that you are at her beck and call and constantly waiting on her and doing things for her, but she is not doing the same for you, that's bad. If she pampers you, too, then that's good. One really important thing I'd add to the list is honesty. Be honest with her and expect the same in return. Another thing is to be self-confident. Not arrogant, just confident. Be proud of being from the country and don't put yourself down or sell yourself short by calling yourself a country bumpkin (unless you're just kidding around - hard to tell in print). I think the honesty and confidence are part of #4. You are very good looking and should have no trouble finding plenty of women to date. Good luck and happy fishing!

kebemik

Joined: 1/4/2009

Msg: 10 (view)

flowers,help me girls. Posted: 11/4/2009 5:57:33 PM
There is no one size fits all answer. I can tell you how I would react, but I can't tell you how the woman you want to date will react. I'm assuming you are talking about sending a bouquet from a florist. In that case, if a man I didn't know at all sent me flowers, I think that would make me feel a little pressured and awkward. If I knew the man already and liked him but hadn't dated him, I think it would be a very positive thing. If I were in a serious relationship with the man, I would totally love it. Again, I can't tell you how this particular woman would react, but you might want to take things a little slower and save the flowers until you've been out on a few dates. If you wanted to drop by and give her something you picked yourself, that you grew in your own garden, or a single stem (not red rose - too intense and full of meaning) from a street vendor, that could be a little less pressure and much more charming for someone you haven't dated yet. Good luck to you!

kebemik

Joined: 1/4/2009

Msg: 19 (view)

How many people to contact Posted: 11/4/2009 5:32:48 PM
I'd recommend that you keep increasing the number of contacts until you start getting the number of responses that you want. I would also mention, based on my experience, that just because you are emailing, it doesn't mean it will ever lead to a date. There are a lot of people willing to exchange a few emails, then disappear. Based on what I read from the men, women are even more likely to do this. An earlier poster said to contact women who are currently online in order to increase your chances. I think that's good advice. Another poster says that you are more likely to get responses from single moms. She is probably right in terms of the odds, but I'd say go ahead and contact anyone who appeals to you. You just never know. I'm surprised you aren't getting many responses. You're a good-looking guy and you obviously are hard-working and have plans for your life. That's appealing to a lot of women. Also, thank you for your military service. I really appreciate it. Lots of us do. Best of luck. Happy Fishing!

kebemik

Joined: 1/4/2009

Msg: 11 (view)

Is being a comedian now a requirement for dating? Posted: 11/2/2009 6:45:47 PM
There is a big difference between wanting your date to be a comedian and wanting your date to be someone you can laugh with. I definitely want to be able to laugh with my date or with just about anyone that I spend a lot of time with. I think most of us are looking for someone who has a similar sense of humor, someone who "gets" the same jokes we do. It's also nice to be with someone who can deal with a potentially stressful situation with a sense of humor. Imagine that you are at restaurant and her meal arrives in a reasonable time, but yours arrives 20 minutes later. Do you find humor in the situation, do you fly into a rage at the incompetence of the restaurant staff, or do you spend the whole night whining and complaining? I'd rather date the guy who has a sense of humor (and perspective) about the whole thing.

kebemik

Joined: 1/4/2009

Msg: 15 (view)

whats the best way to reject a woman Posted: 11/2/2009 2:21:27 PM
I think it depends on how many messages you have to deal with. I would much prefer a polite "no thanks" than to be ignored. If you are swamped with messages, I would suggest restricting your email filters if that might help, or putting something in your profile to politely say that you are swamped with messages and no reply means no interest. Many here think that read/delete or unread/delete is an answer. I personally feel that is rude, but I don't think it's realistic to expect anyone to answer hundreds or even dozens of emails a day. Consider yourself lucky! Most guys on here complain about getting no interest and no replies to their email.

kebemik

Joined: 1/4/2009

Msg: 17 (view)

What is it about chivalry? Posted: 10/16/2009 3:40:50 PM
The difference is in the attitude and intention behind the act. Some men will do this to impress. Some will do it because they think it's the right thing to do. Some will do it out of habit because they've been brought up to do it. These are all good or at least ok reasons. When a man does it because he is conscious of how it reflects on him, because he thinks that it makes him "look", as opposed to "be" chivalrous, then it's not good. In this case it's all about him. It's special when a man does it because he cares about a woman and is trying to please her. That's the best reason. Personally, I like it if we are walking to the car and he opens the door for me. Very nice. But I have to admit that I feel a bit strange if we arrive somewhere in the car and he leaps out to run around the car and open the door for me before I open it for myself. It's not that I don't appreciate it, it just feels odd to me. I am definitely not the type to just sit there waiting for him expectantly as if I were totally helpless and couldn't get the door open myself. (Also, if it's a first date with a total stranger, I prefer to say goodbye in or just outside the restaurant and not be walked to my car.) So, it's not really about opening or not opening car doors. The attitude I look for is the attitude of caring and concern, being willing to give of himself, being sensitive to the other person. And I hope that he sees that attitude in me, too.

kebemik

Joined: 1/4/2009

Msg: 18 (view)

Email Response - No Attempt To Learn About Me Posted: 10/16/2009 1:33:26 PM
I like to get questions, too, so I understand your post. But I have also had guys object when I ask them questions, as if I were being snoopy. Some people can be really touchy about questions, especially on certain topics. (No, I don't ask how much money they have. Nor do I ask about their equipment, though they often seem to volunteer information on that topic.) So it depends on the person. The woman you got no questions from may have just been blasted by some guy for asking a question and now she feels that she did something wrong and is avoiding questions. In my opinion, if you feel your question is reasonable and the other person doesn't, maybe that's an indicator of a bad match. When it happens to me, I always think "Good thing I didn't waste any more time on this."

kebemik

Joined: 1/4/2009

Msg: 17 (view)

Same profile, different face Posted: 10/16/2009 4:54:24 AM
Some reasons: 1. They're looking at men's profiles and doing what they do. 2. They copied and pasted. 3. They really do like those things. 4. They can't write. 5. They're new to the site. 6. They know you will only judge them on their picture so they don't bother. I, too, dislike boring profiles, but I'm sympathetic. I, too, want an open and honest man and I love to laugh. I tried to find an original way to say that, but it's not an easy thing to do. If a profile consisted of a list of what you most want in a partner and people were completely honest, there would be tons of identical profiles. We all want (men and women) many of the same things. On the plus side, if you really read profiles, you will know you've got a potential date when you find that original one that speaks to you and stands out from the rest. Think of it as making your search easier by being able to eliminate all the boring cookie cutter people from your list of possibilities.

kebemik

Joined: 1/4/2009

Msg: 15 (view)

Non-drinker a turn off? Posted: 10/15/2009 5:16:40 PM
First of all, I would be unlikely to order a glass of wine on the first date. But, if for some reason I did, and the man immediately volunteered that he was in AA, it would be the fact that he blurted that out and not the fact that he was in AA, that I would find the most awkward. If the relationship were developing, I would expect him to bring it up at an appropriate time. Probably sometime after the first date, but before I'd fallen for him. Preferably at a point where it seemed to be a natural part of the conversation. If that opportunity never came up, then I think it would be the gentlemanly thing to do to bring it up deliberately at what seemed an appropriate time. Think about your question if it were vegetarianism rather than drinking that was the issue. For some people, they might share the same outlook and it would be a welcome shared trait. For others, it might be just an interesting fact about you or maybe a tiny wrinkle or inconvenience in the relationship. For a third group, it might be a real problem. You don't know which group the woman is in until you talk about it. You also might postpone this discussion until a better time by choosing a restaurant that doesn't serve alcohol for a first date or choosing something besides dinner for a first date. Best of luck to you!

kebemik

Joined: 1/4/2009

Msg: 10 (view)

What are they here for? Posted: 10/15/2009 4:53:32 PM
Are you asking for a meet? Men do the disappearing act, too, and I don't get it. I think it's less common, though. I have met several men from this site, but I've also had a couple who seemed VERY eager to meet me in their email, moreso than any of the ones I actually did meet, but as soon as the topic of when and where to meet came up, they became very evasive and had an excuse for every night, would not give me a phone number, and then disappeared. My theory is that there are several types who do the disappearing act: 1. People who are actually afraid to date. They like the idea of it, but when that first meeting looks like a reality, it terrifies them. 2. People who are married or in other relationships that just want some attention on the net. 3. People who are not who they pretend to be. Either they are men pretending to be women, or really old or really young people pretending to be a different age, or really fat people with fake pictures or something like that. (This is sort of a subset of group 1.) The best advice I can give is be glad you didn't get involved with someone who is lying or flakey. I will say, as a woman, that if a man seemed too pushy, I would not want to meet him. But if you have exchanged a few emails and seem to find common ground and seem to have a connection, then I don't know why someone would not want to meet.

kebemik

Joined: 1/4/2009

Msg: 11 (view)

Photo vs About Me (verbiage) relevance... Posted: 10/15/2009 4:41:36 PM
It depends on whether you are talking about making first contact or responding to a first contact or some other situation. It depends on whether you are asking about getting a response, getting a date, falling in love. If I get an email, I will read it and look at the profile. So far I have answered all my emails, though I'd make an exception if someone was rude. If I like the email and profile, unless the picture were really awful, my response would be encouraging. If I didn't like the email/profile, I politely say no thanks. I have only tried making the first contact a couple of times. In that case, I clicked until I saw a picture that I liked, not necessarily gorgeous. Then I read the profile. Bad profile, no contact. Good profile, contact. I think that because (in general) men are much more concerned with looks, they tend to minimize the importance of a profile. Mistake. Whether the picture is average or gorgeous, the words can make a huge difference. I have clicked on gorgeous men and was terribly disappointed to see a profile all in caps or written by someone who was practically illiterate. Click to next profile. A man doesn't have to be a poet or a comedian in his profile to impress me, but he does have to come across as genuine, preferably original. A man whose profile says "honest laidback man who works hard and plays hard looking for good-hearted down to earth woman wearing jeans and a tux riding my Harley on the beach in a thunderstorm watching the sunset want to know more just ask" will not interest me because it sounds like 95% of the other profiles out there.

kebemik

Joined: 1/4/2009

Msg: 30 (view)

timeline , phone numbers, and safety Posted: 10/14/2009 8:55:42 PM
OP, I think it's an excellent bunch of questions. Much better to hear from others and not have to learn from making mistakes. The following is based on my opinion and my experience. First of all, don't let anyone pressure you into anything that you are not comfortable with. If a man pressures you to do something that makes you uncomfortable, then he is putting what he wants above your comfort. You can expect that to continue if you have a relationship with him. If he tries to make you feel guilty by using the "Don't you trust me?" line, it's perfectly reasonable to say "not yet." Why should you trust a complete stranger? HE may know that he is trustworthy, but YOU have no way of knowing it. If he is even marginally intelligent, he should be able to understand that. If not, he's not good enough for you. I don't give out my phone number, but I do call if a man gives me his. The men I've dated on this site have been very accepting of that. I either block my number or I call from work. I wouldn't give my home number because it can be googled for an address. I don't give out my personal email address but would consider creating a separate account on yahoo just for that. My goal is to meet someone, not to have endless emails, so after a couple of emails, I want to meet face to face. For that I want a public place where I am comfortable. I generally do not park where he could see me arriving if he is there first. If a man made me uneasy, I would not let him walk me to my car or give any indication as to exactly where I live. No, it's not paranoia. There was one date where that was the case, so I'm glad I took precautions, but most of the men I've met have been perfectly nice. I think you can tell a lot more after a face to face meeting. I would also mention that some of the worst guys can be the most charming and persuasive. (Yes, some of the best ones are also charming and persuasive, but they will not try to make you feel guilty for taking precautions or moving at a pace you are comfortable with.) Happy (and safe) Fishing!

kebemik

Joined: 1/4/2009

Msg: 4 (view)

how long should i wait to start dating? Posted: 10/14/2009 5:49:52 PM
I think the key to whether you are ready is asking whether you are looking for someone to fill in the gap left by your old girlfriend. If you are "lost" or "incomplete" without a relationship, or you don't know what to do with your time now that there is not that other person to fill it up, then you aren't ready yet. When you are happy with yourself and your life, and want to add to it, not fill in the gap, then I think you're ready. This is all just my opinion, of course. YMMV.

kebemik

Joined: 1/4/2009

Msg: 5 (view)

What is it you women look for. Posted: 10/14/2009 5:41:06 PM
I look for that elusive "chemistry" which is not always apparent after just one date. However, it is often apparent with one date that there is not going to be any chemistry. As a part of that, I look for someone who is interesting, intelligent, can carry on a good conversation, is considerate of me and of others, and has self-confidence. During the course of the evening, I want to find out where he's going, where he's been, what makes him tick, what makes him happy, what he likes. I want to know what he does for a living, why he picked that, how he likes it. I want to know if he's a happy person and fun to be with. I want to know if he has good relationships with family and friends. I look for a balanced conversation where he shows interest in my life as well as tells me about his. I don't want to feel like I am being interrogated, but I do want him to ask interesting questions and be interested in what I have to say. I don't want to feel like I am prying information out of him, but I do want him to reveal himself. Not TMI on a first date, just appropriate "getting to know" you things. I want to hear his life story, but not all at once. For a first date, just the cover blurb and maybe the first chapter are fine! Some highlights and recent history. I look for honesty. I look for a man who is comfortable being who he is. It's ok if he tries to impress me, but not if it is strained or fake or arrogant. For example, if he's traveled the world and has some interesting stories, that would be fun to hear about, but if he drones on and on about it with just a long itinerary and no stories, or expects me to be awed by it, that is not good. I want to find out if I am comfortable in his company, do I feel safe with him. I look for that spark that makes him exciting to be with. I don't expect to find out all of that on one date, but some of it; the rest on future dates. And no, I don't sit there on a date and calculate all of this. (You asked the question, so I took the time to think about an answer) While I'm on a date, I'm in the moment. But after the date, I do think about it.

kebemik

Joined: 1/4/2009

Msg: 5 (view)

how long should it take Posted: 10/13/2009 8:23:29 PM
Depends on individual preferences and other circumstances. Speaking only for myself, I prefer sooner rather than later. But I do expect that the profile or email or both contain some actual information. If there is nothing interesting in the profile ( 'Looking for a good-hearted woman, Want to know more, just ask") or the email ("how you doin"), then I would not be interested in further contact. So it's not the speed, but the content that would be an issue with me. Some women do not like IM. So you might keep that in mind, too.

kebemik

Joined: 1/4/2009

Msg: 13 (view)

What is this girl thinking? Posted: 10/11/2009 6:49:47 PM
I think "new at internet dating" could explain a lot. I would say stay optimistic, but keep alert for things that don't add up. (oooh, math!) As a woman, I understand not wanting to give out my number to a complete stranger. I did it once and regretted it. I also understand worrying about meeting a complete stranger. I would give her some space, believe what's believable, but ask for details about what sounds fishy.

kebemik

Joined: 1/4/2009

Msg: 13 (view)

Test Driving Posted: 10/11/2009 3:40:00 PM
You might want to explain more about being a jet pilot. The only people I know who were employed as pilots at age 22 were in the Navy or Air Force. I would be inclined to think that a 22 year old who claims to be a jet pilot is lying unless I hear the story that goes with it. I'm not sure how many people are really looking for hangout type relationships here. Personally, I have plenty of friends, it's easy to make friends in real life, and although I always enjoy making a new friend, I did not come here looking for just a friend. So maybe it would be easier to look around where you live/work/play/shop to make hangout friends.

kebemik

Joined: 1/4/2009

Msg: 2 (view)

Two Questions: One about POF, one about real-life Posted: 10/11/2009 3:27:44 PM
I have no idea what the deal was with the POF women, unless you said something that scared them off. The one who was already in a relationship, you should chalk up to a lucky escape. For the woman in your class, how about asking her if she'd like a study partner for the next test? Then you'd have a chance to spend some time with her doing something that both of you are interested in. If you study together, there would be a natural opportunity to ask her if she wants to go for coffee or pizza or something, or to ask her for a more "datey" date.

kebemik

Joined: 1/4/2009

Msg: 11 (view)

How long do you wait to call him? Posted: 10/11/2009 3:19:44 PM
On the internet, I prefer to have the man give me his number for safety reasons, as others have said. When I call depends on the situation. If he emails me his number to call him immediately, I do. If he just sends the number via email without discussing it or asking me to call, I might wait until it seems like the "appropriate" time. With some, I have never called. The phone number was sort of an emergency contact in case we couldn't find each other when we met the first time. I try to be considerate of others and I don't call late at night or during work hours unless asked to. I try to find out when the man wants to be called. In real life, if the man were someone I knew, I'd prefer to have him call me, rather than me calling him. No phone games from me. Try not to read anything into someone's calling or lack of calling. If she is like me, she is trying to "do the right thing," not trying to send some coded message or mess with your head.

kebemik

Joined: 1/4/2009

Msg: 2 (view)

Thank You - After a Dance Posted: 10/11/2009 3:08:13 PM
How about asking her to have coffee with you after the dance?

kebemik

Joined: 1/4/2009

Msg: 21 (view)

First Date Gesture Posted: 10/11/2009 11:41:55 AM
I agree with Iconoclast. YOU are the gift. The thought is really nice, but a gift is probably too much pressure for a first date. (In the extreme, imagine giving her a ring on the first date. Too much.) Just have a good time and if all goes well, there will be many more dates to follow. On future dates, flowers, stuffed animals, jewelry, CDs, candy, .... almost anything. If you can write poetry (or even if you can't!) that can be a really heartfelt and individual gift. BTW, the best gifts are the ones that took effort (especially some thought), not necessarily dollars. The best ones show that you know who she is, that you've paid attention to what would make her happy, that show that you were thinking of her. The worst gifts are the ones that you grabbed at the last minute out of desperation, even if they are very expensive. That screams "I couldn't be bothered getting something you would like, so here is something expensive that I hope will impress you." You sound like a great guy, with your heart in the right place. As long as she doesn't feel pressured, if she is a good woman, she will appreciate the thought of whatever gift you give her. Just wait until the second date!

kebemik

Joined: 1/4/2009

Msg: 111 (view)

AGE DIFFERENCE? Posted: 10/9/2009 7:30:54 PM
richierich: You are 63. If you find a woman who is 12-14 years younger, that is 49-51. So if the fire goes out at 50 to 55 as you say, that gives you 6 years at most, if it's not out already. So apparently you are just as bad at math as you are at lighting fires.

kebemik

Joined: 1/4/2009

Msg: 14 (view)

Do girls like to be chased? Posted: 10/9/2009 6:22:16 PM
I think a lot depends on what you mean by "chase." Scott makes a good point about the line between chasing and stalking. I generally do not notice men who do not give any indication that they have noticed me. There is something very attractive about feeling that a man finds me attractive. It makes him instantly more appealing to me, provided he is not in the creepy/stalker category. Once there is some sort of relationship established, I will definitely not just sit and wait for him to always contact me, but at the beginning, I probably will wait for him to make the first obvious move. It shows that he has self-confidence, which I find attractive.

kebemik

Joined: 1/4/2009

Msg: 4 (view)

Why Do Women Do This ???? Posted: 10/9/2009 6:06:31 PM
What part of her behavior was not polite? Was the email nasty? Or do you just think it is "not polite" to not want to see you? If she decides you are not attractive to her, that is not an issue of politeness, just a preference. If you met her in person and thought she was ugly or fat or smelly or had weird nervous tics or something, would you have continued dating her in order to be polite? As long as the email was not rude, I see nothing wrong with her behavior. It may have been disappointing, but it wasn't impolite.

kebemik

Joined: 1/4/2009

Msg: 66 (view)

False I.D. to Proove We're Younger?? Posted: 10/7/2009 4:09:50 PM
I might consider dating an older man, but not one who lied about his age. And definitely not one who was so deluded about his looks. I'd have to wonder what other parts of reality he didn't have a good grip on.

kebemik

Joined: 1/4/2009

Msg: 73 (view)

The soft blow off, how do you handle it? Posted: 10/7/2009 3:03:47 PM
Hey, be happy you got a courteous response. I think it's way better than just not answering your emails. And way, way better than the nasty blowoff. I once had a guy email with a list of questions for me to answer. I did. Then he emailed back with "Sorry, you lose." A real prince. Unnecessarily rude. (Actually, I think I won, because I avoided wasting any further time on someone so nasty.) Anyway, give her credit for being nice or trying to be nice.

kebemik

Joined: 1/4/2009

Msg: 4 (view)

please review my profile. Posted: 10/7/2009 1:40:09 PM
currently Network Administrator (currently): Department of Redundancy Department I agree with the earlier comment about the first date. Saying something so harsh comes across badly, as if you are accusing the reader of being a liar, etc. Assume you are writing for your dream date and talk to her. Don't talk to the kooks who may be reading. It's better just to say something more like: For the first date, I'd prefer something brief and simple. If there is mutual interest, we can plan the second date .... Other comments said to leave out the part about your plans for the future. Personally, I don't see anything wrong with it. Also, the slightly rambling nature of the writing also is ok with me. I think both things give the reader an idea of your personality. No need to be a cookie cutter profile. Keep in mind who you are writing for and what she is going to want to know about you. Anything that fits that is fine to leave in.

kebemik

Joined: 1/4/2009

Msg: 2 (view)

How not to screw it up. Posted: 10/2/2009 10:13:25 PM
One piece of advice I would give is to not get too serious until you have a pretty good idea of who he is. Same as in real life. Meet his friends. Meet his family. Meet his co-workers. Good luck!

kebemik

Joined: 1/4/2009

Msg: 13 (view)

Gold-digger is just a term men invented to Posted: 10/2/2009 10:01:09 PM
I would be most interested in hearing from rich men on whether they think there are a lot of gold-diggers out there. I agree with CassaGo that I most often hear the term used by men who have very little gold to dig. When a man posts pictures of himself with lots of expensive toys (sports car, boat, airplane), brags about his world travel, etc., he should not complain about gold-diggers. This is like a woman who posts pictures of herself naked, then complains that men are only after sex. The other point I'd make is that there is a big difference between expecting/allowing a man to pay for a date and gold-digging. If a woman expected a man to pay for every date and never reciprocated, or cooked him dinner at her house, then yes, maybe she's a gold-digger. But if a man asks a woman out for a date and expects her to pay half, then, in most cases, I think he's cheap. Once a couple has an established relationship, then I think it is normal to split costs in the way that makes the most sense for that particular couple.

kebemik

Joined: 1/4/2009

Msg: 13 (view)

What's the deal? Posted: 9/20/2009 7:48:51 PM
OP, it's possible that she hasn't logged in for a while. Unless it says that she read it, then your guess is as good as mine. They say that some people get 100's of emails a day. For those people, I don't see how they could answer them all. If I were in that situation, I think I'd tighten my email filters to prevent such a large volume and I would explain in my profile why I didn't answer. I answer all my email, too, because I think it's the polite thing to do. (I suppose I would make an exception if I received a rude email.) Nice to see someone else was raised with manners. Keep on being a good guy, ok? Just because someone else is rude, we don't have to stoop to their level and be rude in return. Good luck to you. Happy Fishing!

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