Misconceptions and Ms Takes chat & forums.

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Astrophil

Joined: 1/10/2009

Msg: 1 (view)

Misconceptions and Ms Takes Posted: 10/11/2009 8:09:53 AM
Here's a thing. I am abysmal at asking women out. At my grand old age I have asked a few out and not been successful - I has asked numerous women out in the relatively anonymous context of the internet and been just as successful. I am by nature very reticent and reserved - I often don't know what I think or feel about someone until it is too late. Needless to say I am pretty much 100% useless at noticing if people are attracted to me. A few years ago, it was drawn to my attention that a female colleague had been "accidentally" bumping into me for a few months. She had left the place by this time and I was by that time unable to do anything about it. Now there's another problem. I've been told by a friend that another (female) friend of mine has asked him if I am gay because she gets no feeling at all from me about the man-woman thing. This is a woman who claims to be very intuitive and have insight into relationships etc etc., as many women do. I, however, remain an enigma, and hence am categorised as possible gay. I'm not sure why she asked about this because she is in a relationship with another person. Even so, this is something I have come up against before: other people have asked if I am gay. In each case, this blankness of response from me - which I am not aware of putting on, but which I figure must come from my innately shy and reserved character - has been a barrier to a possible relationship. Needless to say, as Mayor Quimby might phrase it "Let the word go forth that I am not gay." On that basis, what do people suggest that I could do about this? Here is another reason why I am so singularly unsuccessful with women. Short of unpacking my personality and changing ingrained habits of lifetime, what can I do to positively alter the situation? And what should I change to? I'm not too good at being a self confident babe magnet!

Astrophil

Joined: 1/10/2009

Msg: 34 (view)

The limits of patience Posted: 10/8/2009 1:20:41 PM
Thanks for your spirited defence lynx-1950. But, ironically, I do love books and collect them madly - and I am often called boring by people, especially here. I also work in education so I clearly fit some sterotype somewhere. I am also a bit bored myself with so little happening apart from what is on the schedule. So there must be something in what she says! The rest of Lisa444's comments don't seem to be on target though.

Astrophil

Joined: 1/10/2009

Msg: 1 (view)

The limits of patience Posted: 10/1/2009 2:28:05 PM
What are the limits to your patience with the whole dating thing? And what can you do when you reach that limit? If at first you don't succeed then try and try again - at least that is what traditional wisdom tells us. But, there are limits surely. Imagine someone who has been asking people out on dating sites for years; who has spent money on dating agencies and not been matched; who has never been set up on a date by friends even though they know he is looking to meet someone; who has spent days and days in chat rooms and in pubs without success; who uses gyms, visits galleries and concert halls and has never got into a conversation with an eligible woman; who has not had a relationship for over 15 years and even that lasted only a few months and with someone who made it clear that she actually wanted to go out with somone else. Then imagine this person also feeling increasingly anxious about never finding a woman who wants to share intimacy of mind and body with him. Imagine him finding plentyoffish and not getting anywhere with that either. And then imagine him being told that later this month there may be a party where a woman who may be attractive may be present; but nothing is fixed and (in the manner of Kafka or Beckett) these things may also just as well not happen. He may have heard all this before. In these circumstances would it be appropriate to think that he may have reached a limit of some kind? And what would you do if you were to find yourself in such a position? If that person were me I might consider giving up on the idea of romantic affection altogether and turning to merely materialistic and hedonistic concerns. But my heart would not be in that and I would be back to square one again.

Astrophil

Joined: 1/10/2009

Msg: 101 (view)

are you still sexually experimenting? Posted: 9/22/2009 2:19:59 PM
Am I still sexually experimenting? I would like to think so. Sometime in the future I even plan to do it with someone else.

Astrophil

Joined: 1/10/2009

Msg: 61 (view)

Have relationships made you bitter? Posted: 9/20/2009 10:18:29 AM
Relationships have not made me bitter. This is because I have not reached the plural of the noun "relationship" yet. The only relationship I have ever been in had to end and I knew it. She always preferred someone else to me - something she explained when we first got together - and eventually she made her choice and moved on. I understood this. I was certainly unhappy but she was happier without me, so what can you do? I am bitter, however, about dating etc in general. It never seems to bear any relationship to the way it is presented. As I have written elsewhere here, there are so very few people who seem remotely interested in me. Despite my full efforts over the summer (writing to almost everyone I could in my area here on plentyoffish) I got one response and, with full respect to the lady I met, I did not feel in my heart of hearts that she was the one for me. I also filled out the questions for the much advertised "e-harmony" dating site and was told that I could not join because they had no one on their system who fitted my details. "Dating", were I given the responsibility of writing the dictionary, ought to be defined as follows: "A process that occurs over a period of geological time. Several years of stasis interspersed by a couple of hours of light chat over a pleasant meal". Yes, I am a little down and bitter about the fact that "dating" barely ever happens and that no one seems interested in me. But what can you do?

Astrophil

Joined: 1/10/2009

Msg: 31 (view)

Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age Posted: 9/12/2009 9:37:05 AM
I have never been in the position of having parallel dates of the type you describe. I have only been on a very few "dates" in my 48 years (if by date you mean a meeting with someone on the understanding that the interest in each other is potentially romantic) so I can't speak from experience. I would not expect to be treated in an exclusive way; I feel (and sites like this seem to embody this to me) that women have a massive range of choice about the men they have relationships with and the men are lucky to find anyone at all who is both interested in them and for whom they have strong feelings. However, although I would not expect to be an exclusive person for the women concerned, I suspect that were I ever to be in a situation where dating extended beyond one (maybe two) meetings I would probably feel that it would be nice to have that exclusivity. But beggars can't be choosers. I haven't "mellowed with my exclusivity" - I have just become a exhausted during the long wait to meet someone.

Astrophil

Joined: 1/10/2009

Msg: 87 (view)

My boyfriend feels he hasnt slept with enough women. Posted: 9/12/2009 9:22:04 AM
As with most of the messages here I can't really comment on the problem, although it would be nice to feel like part of the online community (and mainstream society in general). I haven't slept with anyone so what do I know?

Astrophil

Joined: 1/10/2009

Msg: 51 (view)

Is college really date central? Posted: 9/12/2009 9:19:53 AM
Like almost every post here relating to relationships and dating I can't comment because I never went out with anyone when I was at university. I went through two universities and three degrees - not a hint of a "date". I went out with groups of people including women of course, but I just wish that circumstances would have been such that I could have gone out with someone because I realise now that, as it has turned out, that was really my last best chance of meeting anyone. "Carpe diem" is the motto here - seize the day.

Astrophil

Joined: 1/10/2009

Msg: 1 (view)

The "Women who fancy you" link Posted: 9/6/2009 8:21:44 AM
When I click on the link that says "Women who fancy you" the following message comes up - "Our system predicts that the following users are the most attracted to you. These users are Women who have not yet contacted you and maybe not even viewed your profile." Why has no profile ever appeared under this message? Is this the usual state of affairs for everyone? Or is it that no women on the site do fancy me - something that my experience here is proving to be very likely the case! Thankyou in advance for your response.

Astrophil

Joined: 1/10/2009

Msg: 8 (view)

A new update and revision for the profile. Posted: 8/21/2009 7:45:06 AM
Hello luvnlife2, Thanks for your message. You make a good point in the comment above. Of course, I do get out and about - I go to work, I catch trains there and back, I go shopping, I go out with friends for drinks and meals, I go to galleries and concerts and I also now visit a local gym etc etc. In all of these situations I meet men and women. But, I have not for a very long time met a single eligible woman: this is my great sadness and frustration. I have taken advice from people here - I try to make a point of saying nice things in passing to women I meet in shops or at the station, I try to present a positive impression of myself with humour (which I am usually quite good at) and I show kindness where possible. Sadly, though, I am in the position where I AM relying on the internet as a means of meeting women. I have not asked a woman out for years - because, as I say, there are so few around! (On the few occasions when I have plucked up courage to verbally ask a woman out on a date rather than an informal after works drink, I have never accepted by the way; that has always been puzzling to me.) I have put a massive effort into dating through the internet over this summer - I have sent out many messages on this site and on others; I had one date a couple of weeks ago and (with full respect to her) I could not really envisage a long term relationship with her as I felt we did not have much in common not did I feel a "buzz" of excitement at the prospect of meeting her again. I have female friends who are married or in relationships for whom I do or have had such a "buzz", but it would, of course, be wrong to act on that impulse. I do feel very "stuck" in all this. I know I have to have patience and all things come to those who wait etc etc, but I can't help feeling as time passes that life has happened elsewhere and without needing my contribution. And that is very sad. My rephrased profile is entitled "Seize the Day": I am hoping that there shall be something to seize at some point in the next few months!

Astrophil

Joined: 1/10/2009

Msg: 6 (view)

A new update and revision for the profile. Posted: 8/20/2009 4:33:05 AM
After some time I am reviving my message on my profile. Thank you for all the advice here so far. I have now updated my profile taking on board as many of the comments as I could - I have altered the title of the page, changed some of the wording in the profile and added a caption to the photo. I still have a problem with getting action photographs, though - as I say I have lost my camera and despite asking several people for digitial pictures of me to use they still have not materialised! However, I would be interested in any comments from anyone about the way the profile currently reads. I hope it is a little more positive and focused. However, sadly, I have to report that I am still not getting much response from people in my area. I have worked hard at sending out a lot of messages so far this summer and I had high hopes of some positive uptake but that has not been the way it has turned out to date. Any comments will be gratefully received.

Astrophil

Joined: 1/10/2009

Msg: 1 (view)

Holidays abroad and the single man! Posted: 7/31/2009 8:12:39 AM
I've just been browsing the web for details about singles holidays. Most of them involve travelling abroad (I live in England). Whether for a weekend break or for a week or a fortnight, these companies primarily seem to offer trips to Spain, France, Italy, the Caribbean and other exotic places. I notice that a lot of women here and elsewhere seem to include overseas travel as part of their criteria for choosing people to be with. Now, I am NOT someone who enjoys travelling. I don't have a passport and I can get into a terribly stressed and anxious state at the thought of flying. When people on tv quizzes win holidays I always find myself thinking "Thank God that's not me! If it was me I would try to cash the tickets in and take the money!" So here are the questions: 1. would you consider someone who does not like travelling or would a non-traveller put you off? I know that many people will say things like "you should judge the person and not superficial things like how much they travel" but I am not sure that people actually mean these things. Am I being too cyncial? 2. why is it (apart from an opportunity to accumulate profit) do these singles companies focus so much on foreign travel and not to much on UK holidays and travel. 3. can anyone recommend a company that is reliable and good at providing UK holidays?

Astrophil

Joined: 1/10/2009

Msg: 11 (view)

Wind turbines?I Posted: 7/31/2009 7:43:51 AM
I always sympathise with workers who fight to save their jobs. Modern Thatcherite governments (including of course New Labour) still defend the logic of "the great car economy" in all its forms. We are told that the environmental crisis is the greatest threat we face just now and yet it is being left to the logic of capitalism to solve it. This will only kick in once the crisis is having a negative material impact on capitalist interests and by then it will probably be too late, I fear. As for the idea of workers occupying their plant and arguing for nationalisation - well, we did something similar for the banks when they had their little moment of anxiety last autumn! And that crisis is not as serious as the environmental one according to the government itself.

Astrophil

Joined: 1/10/2009

Msg: 3 (view)

A new update and revision for the profile. Posted: 7/26/2009 4:37:35 AM
Thank you for your response luvnlife2. It is quiet encouraging. The problem with the photos is explained in the original post. Until I can get some pictures from friends or buy yet another camera I am stuck with these for now. But I haven't had facial reconstruction since they were taken, so they aren't miselading as such. I am a bit surprised why so few people have read this post and why only one person has responded to this request so far. I note the mass responses that others get. That seems to be the way things are going at he moment so there you go! As for your questions I do meet women in the real world but they tend to be people I already know. Very rarely do I meet new people. Although I am affable and can be good in company I am the kind of person who goes to a pub or restaurant on my own and never gets into conversation. On the rare occasions when I meet women they are usually married or part of a couple. Of course, although I get on well with most women and I do develop friendships with women I meet I am not always attracted to them nor they to me: this is the obstacle that has to be overcome at some point. I have known many women I have been attracted to - but they have almost always been "spoken for" or been moving on to pastures new and so unavailable in that way. When I was younger I probably let one or two people pass me by, but that was over 25 years ago so there is not much point in worrying about that. I am not really sure what to do. A few people recommended this site to me as a kind of sure-fire way of meeting women. Well, I have virtually run out of people to whom I can send messages who live in my area. My only hope currently seems to be that something may yet come of one of those or that someone will soon join who is a possible match. I am nervous about that possibility, too. Meeting someone would be such a high stake event due to its rarity.

Astrophil

Joined: 1/10/2009

Msg: 1 (view)

A new update and revision for the profile. Posted: 7/25/2009 8:26:56 AM
Hello everyone. I have been here a couple of times already but here I am again like the return of the repressed seeking wise counsel. My profile has been commented on before - I have checked the comments on it in earlier versions and was surprised that many people seemed to think it was alright. Some comments about improving the pictures have been made - often most forcefully by male commentators - and I take the point. But, I have very few pictures in any form of myself - less than seven or eight probably. I only have two digital images and these are on plentyoffish already. I explain this in my new updated profile as you may see. I am asking about this now because so few people are responding positively to either my profile or my messages. To date on this site I have only had one person respond to a "cold call" message; no one has written to me at all in the same manner with a realistic approach (I've had a message from Spain about whether I can help teach English and from Canada). I am obviously doing something pretty alienating to a great deal of people and I am not sure what it is. So I would be interested in hearing what you have to say. Many thanks in advance.

Astrophil

Joined: 1/10/2009

Msg: 33 (view)

Soccer/Football teams Posted: 7/14/2009 4:09:08 PM
Why do people support more than one team depending on the context? This puzzles me. Sheffield Wednesday are more than enough for anyone, any time and any place.

Astrophil

Joined: 1/10/2009

Msg: 32 (view)

Help needed: English grammar issue Posted: 7/14/2009 2:17:10 PM
Either of the original two sentences are acceptable as everyone seems to be saying. I think the grammatical distinction is The lights were switched on today - the simple past tense form The lights have been switched on today - the past perfective form

Astrophil

Joined: 1/10/2009

Msg: 24 (view)

Do you every wonder Why you are, and where you are? Posted: 7/13/2009 4:23:30 PM
The philosopher Martin Heidegger addressed this problem in his work - he called it "thrownness", the fact of being "thrown" into the world and discovering our being in that arbitrary state. For him this is basic to the human condition. As I understand it he links this to the importance of tradition and culture - we can only make sense of who we are through the cultural symbols, values and forms of behaviour that are available to us. Hence people with a religious sense, for example, in the western world tend to work within the language of Christianity while those from the east might explore their sense of spirit through the language of Islam, Hinduiism or whatever. There isn't really anywhere outside of this - modern science is a western discourse shaped by the complex forces of thought and tradition in western secular (originally often but not always protestant) cultures. Findamentalism, then, is a way of forgetting this human condition. The idea of being born rich, poor, healthy or sick etc is sometimes called "moral luck", I think. In one sense there is no accounting for it. We often feel thankful if we are lucky - but who or what to?

Astrophil

Joined: 1/10/2009

Msg: 39 (view)

Are Notherners really discriminated against? Posted: 7/13/2009 4:12:16 PM
As a northerner living in the south I generally find this kind of problem to be entirely fallacious. There are forms of discrimination in Britain which need to be addressed but these are normally to do with class, race and gender.

Astrophil

Joined: 1/10/2009

Msg: 36 (view)

What do you do with one line answers? Posted: 7/13/2009 4:08:38 PM
I am a verbal person so I would find it difficult to deal with such limited communication especially in a text based forum such as this. It seems to me that some linguistic dexterity and skill is necessary online - but I have noted that it can be offputting to some people.

Astrophil

Joined: 1/10/2009

Msg: 16 (view)

A Male's perspective... Why would someone send a message like this? Posted: 7/13/2009 3:56:19 PM
Perhaps he is just impolite and discourteous. I would ignore him and instead of throwing yourself downstairs wait for the lift. Best wishes, Astrophil

Astrophil

Joined: 1/10/2009

Msg: 10 (view)

Sending the wrong message by accident? Posted: 7/13/2009 3:54:14 PM
As far as I can the profiles in a search are flagged as being "online". I don't think it is negtive to be online a lot - but I am not sure I would really notice it, if that were the case. Finally, is it possible to "hide" your profile and why would anyone want to do it?

Astrophil

Joined: 1/10/2009

Msg: 9 (view)

Sent messages that are unrecorded Posted: 7/12/2009 8:49:33 AM
Hello humormunger, Thanks for your help. I took youd advice following our email exhange. You told me to "try again w/ the new message, or yours, w/o the word "system". if it doesn't go through, i suggest you send ONLY THE TEXT OF THE ACTUAL MESSAGE to the moderator.... he has no restrictions. use the subject line - Sent messages that are unrecorded? Test mail. He's smart enough to get why you sent it, and will maybe have further advice, or tell you if the new message got through. don't add any explanation, only the text of the unsent msg." I got a prompt response from the person you suggested I send the message to saying merely "works fine". I still don't see the message to my addressee listed in my sent messages box, though! Also - I have started to be timed out of plentyoffish very quickly now. For instance I logged on, checked the mail and then opened the forums at which point I was asked to log on again - that was within a couple of minutes. That is a record. It didn't use to happen but now it has done it a couple of times! Thanks and best wishes, Astrophil

Astrophil

Joined: 1/10/2009

Msg: 5 (view)

Sent messages that are unrecorded Posted: 7/11/2009 7:34:22 AM
Thanks to those who have offered help here. I still seem to be having the same problem I noted in my original message (point 1) and I am not sure why. I have gone through the link left by a couple of you and I can't see where I am going wrong - I am not very technical with these things so here is a list of possible causes of the problem with my response: If anyone is interested perhaps you could suggest what else might be the cause of the problem. It has just hapened again - hence this message. 1) More than (4) Four duplicate E-Mails sent per Day. --- I don't send duplicate emails. 2) More than (40) Forty 'First Contact' E-Mails per Day. --- I have never sent 40 emails in a day! 3) Your E-Mail is too long, exceeding approx. 7,800 Characters ---- I have measured the message and they are nowhere near this length. 4) Do not use the ---> @ Symbol, non-resolvable Character Encodings, Unicode, Chinese or anything else the System Filter does not recognize in your Message. ---- I compose the message in the plentyoffish window and do not use any nonstandard symbols 5) You have not only composed and copied the Body of your ASCII (Plain Text) Message from your Text Editor into your E-Mail Message, but also your Text Editor's unrecognized, non-standard Formatting, Document Markup Languages or Control Characters. Use another Editor or don't use/turn off its formatting Functions. ---- I do not really understand all this. But I have sent messages in exactly the same way to other people which are getting through. 6) Do not send HTML Links, Java Code or E-Mail Addresses. ---- No links are included in my message. 7) Do not enter any Telephone Numbers, or anything else that the Spam Filter may construe as a Telephone Number. Do not use more than 6 Numbers together such as Dates (1998-2003) even if separated by Spaces, Dashes, Periods, Parenthesis, Commas, etc. ---- I have not done this in any of my messages. 8) Do not use Banking Terms, such as "Account", "Bank", "Transfer", Profanities or sexual Terms, the Names of Hosting Sites, Names of certain blocked Countries such as Nigeria, India, Russia, or anything else that could reasonably be expected to catch the Eye of the Site's Spam/Scam Filters. --- Again I have not done this. 9) Some Messages which contain any illegal Material or Activities such as "Drugs", "Rape", "Murder", etc. may be blocked. ---- I have not done this either. 10) That User has other Contact Restrictions per their Mail Settings. ---- I have seen restrictions on other people's pages but they are not on the people I am having difficulty getting through to. 11) You have a Mail Settings Restriction such as \| Dating \| and have e-mailed another User with the very same Restriction, or other such Mail Setting Conflict. You cannot block that in your Mail Settings what is also indicated in the Looking For Field in your Edit Profile. ---- I am not aware that I have any restrictions set on my profile so this shoul dnot apply. 12) You, or the intended E-Mail Recipient, or both have a missing or incorrect Postal Code Profile Entry, esp. a "75 Mile" Contact Restriction Limit in either's Mail Settings. --- My post code is accurate. I found the people I am messaging through the search function - I can only presume that their post code is appropriately set. 13) You inadvertently edited the Recipients To: Field instead of the Subject Line and fired your E-Mail/Reply off to a Non-Existent User/E-Mail Address, or to a User who had deleted his Profile. --- This may have happened once - but I have found this problem now on several occasions and have been careful to ensure that this does not happen. 14) You have made Reply to an existing E-Mail in your Inbox, but changed the Recipient in the To: Field of a User who has his/her Profile hidden, and does not have you on his/her Favourites List. Since Mail Settings are hidden from View, Contact Restrictions can not be determined. --- The messages I have been trying to send are started by clicking the "contact [member name]" button at the bottom of their profile. 15) The Mail Recipient has made certain fundamental Changes to his/her Profile such as Change of User Name or Mail Settings but has not yet E-Mail Logged out, reflecting the Update. ---- I have had this problem with the same people now for several days. It would be unlikely that they had not logged out. 16) The Site's Contact Filter has blocked you from e-mailing anyone who has set their Mail Settings to block those who have previously messaged others for Sex or Intimate Encounters. ---- The addressees profiles do not have any restrictions indicated. 17) That User E-Mail Blocked you subsequent to receipt of your Message, consequently your 'Sent Mail' disappeared from your Sent Msg/Outbox Folder. If that User then unblocked you, and you e-mailed again, the same Sequence could re-occur. ---- If this has happened then I am not aware of how or why they would have bleocked me since they have not even heard of me yet. 18) Your Browser's Options/Preferences are incorrect, Securities set to high, Cookies corrupt, Firewall Blocks, etc. ---- This problem only seems to be applying to some people. If this was the problem I assume the problem would be more generalised. 19) Another User has not E-Mail Logged out of their Plentyoffish Account from the same Computer using the same Browser, but you have E-Mail Logged into your Account sending E-Mails. ---- This seems complicated and I am not sure that it appiles in my case. Again the problem extends for several people over several days. 20) Your Browser's User Agent is concealed, corrupt or indicates the Presence of Malware, Trojan or Viral Infection.---- I am communicating with others so this cannot be the problem. 21) A User's Profile was deleted, but not the actual User Account, resulting from massive Errors generated by a User trying to rig the Voting System utilizing automated Bots or other similar Types of Abuses. ---- Again how would I know such a thing is happening and is this likely to apply to more than one person? 22) That User's Profile may have been deleted. ---- I am not aware that this is the case. The profiles are still on the system. 23) User/Execution Error. ---- Possible but unlikely - I am communicating with others. 24) It is also possible there may yet be other Filters in Place the Admin never made mention of, such as a high Percentage of E-Mail blocks and Contact-to-Complaint Ratios, etc. --- How would I know about this? I don't send a massive amount of messages and to my knowledge no one has complained of me.

Astrophil

Joined: 1/10/2009

Msg: 1 (view)

Sent messages that are unrecorded Posted: 7/8/2009 2:16:45 PM
Hello. I currently have 13 messages in my "sent messages" folder. Most of them have been read and deleted but a couple have merely been read. However, I have sent several messages today and only one of them has appeared in the sent messages box. Is there a reason for this - and can it be fixed? Secondly, I have tried to send messages to a number of people over the past few days and have been met with a message saying something to the effect that I am not able to send them a message. Is there a reason for this - and (again) can it be fixed? Thank you for reading this, Astrophil.

Astrophil

Joined: 1/10/2009

Msg: 18 (view)

How far would you travel? Posted: 7/7/2009 2:47:20 PM
Thanks caz2009 I have looked at prfiles on the Cambride - Peterborough line. Peterborough is probably at the practical limit of my range and I haven't yet got to know that area. Of course, Cambridge is the nearest big centre to me so I use it as a key focus of attention. Thanks for your thoughts, though!

Astrophil

Joined: 1/10/2009

Msg: 9 (view)

How far would you travel? Posted: 7/6/2009 1:43:08 PM
MandaKay, I don't drive, I am afraid so I am entirely dependent on public transport. I have a push-bike but at the moment it is need of repair - something I shall sort out when the summer holiday starts in about 10 days.

Astrophil

Joined: 1/10/2009

Msg: 7 (view)

How far would you travel? Posted: 7/6/2009 1:27:18 PM
Thanks for the message SilentSteel, I wonder whether your point isn't a little over-romantic, though. While I realise the value of the idea that "love conquers all" - including the tediously material limitations of mere material space - it is also somehwat unrealistic to know whether you have met "the one" simply by reading their profile page. What I mean is that when I am browsing through a page of "matches" I may well come across someone who is within my 50 mile limit and as a result I have to decide then and there whether it will be worth while messaging her. If I do then my experience so far is that she will delete the message. However, should one lady every respond with a "yes - let's meet" I have to be realistic about deciding on the investment involved. I am just north of Cambridge; many of these women on my matches list are in Northampton, Bedford and similar places. To get there, I would have to catch a train to London (1hr 30mins) change stations (40mins) and get a train back up to her home town (1hr) - a total of 3 hrs 10 mins. If I leave after work at 4.30 (the earliest possible), then I would arrive at her town at 7.40pm. Then I meet her. I then have to get back home - this would mean leaving on a train enabling me to get the connections for the last train from London home - this would mean leaving her at about 9.30pm, I guess. I would have spent a total of 1 hour 20 minutes in her company - not bad for a first meeting but that time would be sandwiched within a journey time of over 6 hours! If I were to meet her again the same story would be repeated unless I stayed in a hotel or - even more unlikely - at her place! So, normally, I would end up getting home well after midnight expecting to get up the next morning for work at 6.30 - unless I only ever met her on a Friday. Now love may be capable of conquering all - but is this scenario a realistic basis for initiating a close and intimate love affair? And remember, for me this entire laborious expedition would have to take place just to meet someone within a 50 mile as-the-crow-flies radius of my home. If I knew someone already who moved to one of these places I am sure that arrangements could be made to sustain the relationship - but I would be visiting her, in the dating scenario outlined here, on the off-chance that she might like and/or be attracted to me (and I don't have a good track record on the latter). It is because of this that although I often see very attractive women in my "matches" section I do not seriously consider writing to them - just getting to see them is going to be far too complicated. Does this make me seem like a loveless and fussy person? It does worry me that some people might think so. It may certainly make me seem "unromantic". Thanks for letting me think this thought through! I have never fully clarified the problems before. Astrophil

Astrophil

Joined: 1/10/2009

Msg: 1 (view)

How far would you travel? Posted: 7/6/2009 11:38:11 AM
Hello Everyone, Here is a quick question. It may have been asked before but I would be interested in your responses. How far do you think it is acceptable to be expected to travel to meet someone from this site? The reason I ask this is that I do not drive and I think this may be adding to my difficulties in getting to meet people here. I have set my distance limit to 50 miles and within that range many places are accessible only by travelling to and through London to then travel north again on a different line, a journey taking several hours each way. Without wishing to appear mean there is also the issue of transport costs - the impact of the free market on the railways here has meant that UK rail fares are constantly being increased much to almost everyone's dismay. But, should financial concerns affect how far you are willing to travel? In relation to this I suspect that there may be a difference between British and American attitudes. Americans are used to travelling longer distances I think whereas in Britain this is not always the case - probably because it is a smaller country and there has been a traditionally less efficient transport system. Thank you for your thoughts, Astrophil.

Astrophil

Joined: 1/10/2009

Msg: 15 (view)

Excessive marriages?? Posted: 7/5/2009 2:52:56 AM
I'd check to see whether they were called Ross Geller! (only joking)

Astrophil

Joined: 1/10/2009

Msg: 63 (view)

A question for you serious-minded men... Posted: 7/5/2009 2:50:42 AM
I would never be intimidated by intelligence in a woman. In fact I love to meet such people. But there are different kinds of intelligence, of course. Some people have a remarkable emotional intelligence, a capacity to perceive the whole person and context before them - others have the more traditional intellectual range and profundity, a wide understanding of a discipline or culture as well as a skill with processes of reasoning. This idea can be developed to include other kinds on intelligence. Also, knowledge and intelligence are not necessarily the same thing anyway. I suppose I am an "intellectual" person in my interests but I do try to wear my learning lightly in real life situations - I think that is the best way!

Astrophil

Joined: 1/10/2009

Msg: 6 (view)

Marriage vs LTR Posted: 7/5/2009 2:41:10 AM
This is a complex topic, I think. On the one hand there is Joni Mitchell who sings "we don't need a bit of paper from the city hall / Keeping us bright and true" and on the other there is the idea that as Donne says "no man is an island entire of itself". From the individualistic point of view all that matters is what the couple think and feel about their relationship: others don't count or are not involved. But, if you think that relationships can only emerge and thrive within the context of a wider culture then a social ritual and insitution like marriage is the best thing. Personally I would prefer the latter (given the chance) because I would like to think that marriage is a sign not only of your connection to a husband or wife but to the wider social world. However, historically marriage has been a repressive institution at times (often for the women involved) and so the bohemian idea of "living in sin" has been genuinely progressive in some ways. As I say, it is a complex issue!

Astrophil

Joined: 1/10/2009

Msg: 17 (view)

Is inexperience likely to put you off a man? Posted: 7/4/2009 3:48:27 PM
Dear tasso8. My answers to your questions are as follows: 1) why do you have no history of relationships with women? ---- That is probably quite a complex puzzle but the answer is to do with shyness (especially chronic when young), ill health when young, hard work and social isolation during my 20s and 30s due to working in academic research environment. Since then it has been because of work (again) and simply the lack of people to get to know; in addition to this there have been failed attempts at dating agencies, a social networking organization, internet dating etc. 2)Do you have long-term friendships with women? --- I do. Mostly with the girlfriends, partners and wives of male friends or people I have met through work. 3) With men? ---- I do. I have several friends who are male and I generally get on with people that I meet more casually. 4) Do you socialize with groups of people, or individuals? --- I socialize with both. 5) Do you know and chat with your neighbors? ---- It is a sad truth that like so many people in the UK I barely know my neighbours beyond saying "hello" to them and the occasional chat about things like the weather, the state of the roof or the arrangements for the refuse collection. One of my female neighbours recently married and her parents now use her house as an occasional weekend retreat now that she has moved; another is a male civil servant in his early 20s; another is an Italian family who have moved in very recently with two children under 5; another is a young couple I don't know much about and another is a Polish family who have five young children. 6) Do you socialize at lunch or after work with colleagues? ---- I do. In fact I tend to make friends through work. I often go for a dink after work on Fridays - although this happens less often recently as a result of one or two of my friends moving further from work and becoming involved in relationships themselves. I am not sure what to do with these thoughts but there they are. Thank you for your interest.

Astrophil

Joined: 1/10/2009

Msg: 1 (view)

Is inexperience likely to put you off a man? Posted: 7/4/2009 4:32:55 AM
Almost all the women who are over 45 themselves and on this site have quite a lot of life experience. They are married and often have children etc. Does the idea of meeting a man in his late 40s who clearly has virtually no life experience – no marriage, no relationships in the past, no children etc. – seem unacceptable to you? If so, why is that?

Astrophil

Joined: 1/10/2009

Msg: 63 (view)

How long have you been single??? Whats the longest? Posted: 7/3/2009 3:53:51 PM
I have been single all my life, too - that almost 48 years, and virtually twice your age nick007! I wish you more luck than I had in my 20s, 30s and 40s. The more important thing than holding a record one way or another is to know what to do about it. I am not sure. I hope you are.

Astrophil

Joined: 1/10/2009

Msg: 12 (view)

What to do? Posted: 5/2/2009 2:06:56 PM
Thank you for the response. Just a few additional points - I have been over most of the problems for a few years now, but they linger at the back of my mind, though; for example, I still don't travel far just in case the symptoms of travel-phobia and panic attacks do come back. I still have the odd bad day when I am stressed - and for me things like travelling are stressful. I do have women friends - some are very good to me. We meet sometimes for a drink and a chat. They tend to be partners of male friends, but not always. I have never really discussed my history with them - the people I have mentioned it to have been male. Generally I am quite good socially. I tend to be quiet when I meet new people and I do tend to stick to my set group of friends. But new faces do come along, some of them are women, too! Within this group I am regarded positively as being good fun and reliable, I think. I know how to behave in company but when my emotions become an issue I tend to change the subject. I can talk with women - unlike my former self who was useless.

Astrophil

Joined: 1/10/2009

Msg: 1 (view)

What to do? Posted: 5/2/2009 11:15:54 AM
I am writing this because I shall probably restructure my profile under a new name in the very near future so I can be direct and honest; I shall leave the profile as it is for the moment just in case anyone wants a look! I have put some messages up here which suggest various concerns about my profile etc. The underlying problem is probably deeper, though, and I wonder what people here think about it. I am 47 but have only ever had one very short relationship with a woman. She was a student visiting Britain and the relationship ended after she had returned to her home country in 1992. I went to see her and even suggested that I move to her country and find work there, but I found out during the trip that she really thought it would not be feasible to do this as her heart wasn’t in it. I have never had sex; I did want it when I was going out with her but she was sure it would not be right for her at that time and I accepted that. Until I met my girlfriend I had been working intensely as a research academic and I was painfully shy. I also suffered from some quite debilitating phobias (virtually amounting to agoraphobia at times). I have taken a course of professional assistance for this and I am so much better than I used to be – most of my friends barely even notice any hint of the symptoms or are even aware that I have ever had problems of this type. So, looking on the positive side, I always thought that something would work out and I would get to meet someone. Since I split up with my girlfriend of 6 months way back in the 90s I have tried to sort out my problems and I have asked some women out but not got very far; polite refusals or, on some occasions, the revelation of a boyfriend I knew nothing about!. As I have said in another message on this site, I joined a dating agency in the mid 90s but did not get any matches. When 2000 came around I tried again with another agency with the same result: this one cost quite a lot of money. Do these agencies ever really get people together? I have tried several internet dating agencies. Women never make the first move – this is OK I suppose. So I try to approach them. I try to be as honest as I can but I also try to avoid seeming too insistent. Sex is one of the things I think about most of the time – I don’t suppose this is unusual. I am embarrassed about my lack of experience and I would like to do something about it. I read about people who meet, fall in love and have sex (not necessarily in that order!) and I wonder what it is all about. At my age I ought to know. I suppose my question is I wonder what people here think I can do about my situation. So many people keep saying “keep on trying” or “just change this (whatever 'this' might be) and you should be better off”; but, I just don’t seem to get anywhere. Just to be clear: I would love to have a close and fulfilling relationship. But I would also like to have sex and in some ways I am impatient for it. Of course, the two are not mutually exclusive. But in the total absence of either I do wonder what to do.

Astrophil

Joined: 1/10/2009

Msg: 4 (view)

What makes people respond or not to a message? Posted: 5/2/2009 8:49:40 AM
Thanks for the response. I take your point. But, I suppose I would just like to get some response, any response from the people I write to. I have been in dating agencies and I have used internet sites since the about 1994. I have only had about three or four responses of any kind from anyone in that time. At first it was almost amusing. I guess that I am just getting concerned now. I imagine I must be doing or being something that causes people not to be interested and I don't know what it is.

Astrophil

Joined: 1/10/2009

Msg: 1 (view)

What makes people respond or not to a message? Posted: 5/2/2009 8:26:55 AM
I have sent out messages to quite a few women who come up as "matches" on the plentyoffish site. I have introduced myself and tried to be as articulate, honest and humourous as possible. The messages have been read according to the mail system. As yet I have had only one response - a polite refusal. I have asked the people I have written to to respond even if it is to say "no thanks" just so that I know that the message is getting through. Am I right in assuming that it is not regarded as appropriate etiquette to indicate that you are declining an approach. What is it that might get someone to respond - even if negatively? At least that would be something! Thank you for your time!

Astrophil

Joined: 1/10/2009

Msg: 5 (view)

Advice sought Posted: 4/25/2009 5:56:02 PM
Hi jewlsey. Thank you for your message. I am glad that you see something positive in my situation. I think I have been goal oriented in my life - however, I am beginning to think that the goals are becoming less and less achieveable. I have not made great headway in terms of career - I am not doing what I set out to do and in fact the best job I ever had was when I was in my early thirties! I have wanted many things in life - I have wanted a relationship since I was a teenager and have managed only a few months of that. This has been probably my main desire in life. I have not done much in life to be honest - I have not travelled, not flown, I have not even learned to drive even. In many ways I have spent so much time waiting to sort out my main ambition: meet someone. Recently, though, the realisation has hit me that I am now probably too old to really catch up on things. These things have led to me losing faith in myself.

Astrophil

Joined: 1/10/2009

Msg: 1 (view)

Advice sought Posted: 4/25/2009 5:04:39 PM
Hello. I wonder if anyone here can help. I am trying to get into a situation where I meet someone. I am 47 but have only been out with one person - a five month relationship which ended in January 1993. Since then I have met many people in social situations, been in three traditional "dating agencies", put my name on numerous web sites and now find myself here on plentyoffish. And yet here I am with very few people looking at my site and even fewer responding to me. I really do not know what to do. Can anyone here offer any advice? Has anyone come across a man in a similar situation - if so, what do you think of them?

Astrophil

Joined: 1/10/2009

Msg: 1 (view)

No response problem Posted: 4/25/2009 9:57:51 AM
Hello. I wonder if anyone could have a look at my profile. I have yet to get a response from anyone since joining in early January. No one has responded to my approaches either except to say "no thanks" on one occasion. Could you perhaps tell me what is wrong? Many thanks.

Astrophil

Joined: 1/10/2009

Msg: 1 (view)

Help would be appreciated Posted: 4/9/2009 9:53:14 AM
Dear All, I wonder if anyone could have a look at my profile and let me know if there are any serious problems with it. I have been on this site since January and have sent out a few messages. They have all been read, deleted and not responded to by the addressees. To date no one has contacted me at all. Is this normal? I have revamped the profile but still feel it may be a liability. I do not currently have a photograph to put on the page - the best I have is a lookkalike reference which is honest but possibly a bit dubious. As for the description it gives a fairly honest outline of the kind of person I am. At the best of times I have little self confidence - and having tried several similar sites I am finding the lack of even basic recognition is leading to a condition approaching despair. (NB I am 47 but have only ever had on every brief (5-6 month) relationship which was mostly platonic.) Also, I have thought of giving this plan one big push - sending a message to virtually everyone within a 25 mile range of my address who fits my criteria. Is this a bad idea? I figure that at least when I see all these messages deleted I will know where I stand! PS I do not know what the roses etc all mean and how we are supposed to use them. I think I may have made a mistake by sending one to a woman I tried to contact. Did I do a bad thing? Story of my life!

Astrophil

Joined: 1/10/2009

Msg: 1 (view)

Advice sought Posted: 3/29/2009 5:08:16 AM
Hello everyone, I wounder if there is someone out there who could assist me with my profile. I have been on several dating and network sites as well as been a member of several non-web based dating agencies. You would be astounded at the absence of response I have receieved. I am beginning to feel like giving up. I have been with plentyoffish since January and so far I have only received a couple of emails - both informing me that my threads on forums have been closed down! So, perhaps there is a problem with the profil itself. Could someone have a look and tell me what I am doing wrong? Many thanks to you all, Astrophil

Astrophil

Joined: 1/10/2009

Msg: 1 (view)

Lack of experience Posted: 1/25/2009 8:31:28 AM
I have been wondering what people on this site think about meeting people of the opposite sex who are not exactly in the first flush of youth and yet are also inexperienced? Would you find this off-putting or not? It is something of a joke in our culture to be 40 and above and also to be inexperienced: look at the film "The Forty Year Old Virgin" or the constant smirking that goes on whenever Cliff Richard is mentioned! Further to this point, would it be best to keep quiet/not ask about this or not?

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