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 Author Thread: Awkward dilemma?
 zenarcade
Joined: 1/14/2009
Msg: 5 (view)
 
Awkward dilemma?
Posted: 3/8/2009 7:22:32 PM
This might help:

http://forums.plentyoffish.com/datingPosts11837175.aspx
 zenarcade
Joined: 1/14/2009
Msg: 496 (view)
 
Does having sex when you meet for the first time ruin a chance for a real relationship?
Posted: 3/3/2009 12:38:34 PM
In my experience, no.
 zenarcade
Joined: 1/14/2009
Msg: 10 (view)
 
How can i tell if he is really into me
Posted: 3/3/2009 11:22:53 AM
Have you seen the movie "He's Just Not That Into You?" If you haven't, go see it, and pay attention to the "chapter" titles.

A few signs:

He contacts you via phone, text, email, IM, etc.
He actually asks you out.
He shows up when he says he will.
He spends time with you.
He listens to you.
He does what he says he will.

In a nutshell, people vote with their feet--they go to where they want to. And if a guy is really into you, he'll figure out how to be with you, and that's really the best way for someone to show it.
 zenarcade
Joined: 1/14/2009
Msg: 114 (view)
 
Who's calling your phone?
Posted: 3/3/2009 8:49:33 AM
So at least you are admitting he slipped up by playing the race card?

The OP was, if you'll note, the FIRST person to reference his race. And kindly point to where ANYONE has called out "the entire black race?"

Oh, and it's "their," not "there." I'll stop there . . .
 zenarcade
Joined: 1/14/2009
Msg: 348 (view)
 
Sexiest occupation (job profession)
Posted: 3/3/2009 8:26:04 AM

Now you're insulting Hooters girls AND Texas girls?


Well, if he didn't, I will! ;)

Plastic, big hair, total fakes....

There, how's that?
 zenarcade
Joined: 1/14/2009
Msg: 106 (view)
 
Who's calling your phone?
Posted: 3/3/2009 8:10:41 AM

OK, who else here thinks the OP is guilty[?]


+1

And he finally played the race card. I wondered how long it would take.

OP--Kindly provide the link to the other site you claim to have posted on where "99%" of people responding supported you.

Bottom line is you are acting like a Class A jerk.
 zenarcade
Joined: 1/14/2009
Msg: 2 (view)
 
You have kids….do you let him stay over?
Posted: 3/2/2009 8:43:11 PM
OK, first, a child is not a "prized possession."

There. Now that that is out of the way . . .

It depends on how serious the relationship is. If I'm talking to someone about blending families and living together, and my kids have met her, and I've met her kids (if any), then certainly.

If it is a casual relationship, no way in hell.
 zenarcade
Joined: 1/14/2009
Msg: 33 (view)
 
Who's calling your phone?
Posted: 3/2/2009 2:33:06 PM
OP--

I don't mean to be harsh, but what makes you think the two of you have any chance together? You gave her grief about taking a sick day and now you're complaining that she gets upset when you don't tell her who called you? I'm sorry, but that sounds to me like you're hiding something. I would think you'd be flying out the bedroom door to tell her it was a company that wanted to interview you, given your statements about your job search in your other thread.

I have to agree with the other posters here who have said you do indeed appear to have a control issue.

Finally, rather than driving around for an hour after a disagreement, I concur with those who think the two of you should attend counselling together. If you can't get past a missing umbrella, it's hard to envision you being able to resolve bigger issues.
 zenarcade
Joined: 1/14/2009
Msg: 198 (view)
 
Ever met someone PRETTIER than their pics?
Posted: 2/27/2009 11:03:14 AM
Met someone from here more attractive than their pictures? Frequently.

I think it's because pictures rarely capture the person's sense of energy--it seems to take a lot of skill photographically (or very good luck!) to capture that.
 zenarcade
Joined: 1/14/2009
Msg: 10 (view)
 
The logic of the dinner date
Posted: 2/27/2009 10:27:42 AM

Staying babe thin takes a whole lot of discipline and dilligence.


So apparently you're undisciplined and not diligent?

Talk about some massive over-generalizations!
 zenarcade
Joined: 1/14/2009
Msg: 6 (view)
 
The absurdity of your post . . .
Posted: 2/27/2009 10:02:25 AM
There is nothing logical about your post, because it is based on a fallacy:


most women who are considered viable to date are not eating much in the first place


That's just laughable, as is your contention about a having to be a size 6. People have different metabolic rates, and so just as there are some who don't eat at all and don't lose weight, there are those who can eat all day and not gain weight.

A dinner date can be fabulous--you can learn a LOT about someone. Plus, it is in a public place, hopefully it's food you both like, there's limited opportunity for awkwardness physically, and so on.

If you don't like them, don't go on them! Simple!
 zenarcade
Joined: 1/14/2009
Msg: 349 (view)
 
Prenuptial Agreements and Maximum Child Support payment!
Posted: 2/27/2009 12:16:08 AM

simply cohabitate and raise however many kids are conceived together-!


I don't know about all 50 states, but in the states in which I am licensed, whether the parents have been married or not is irrelevant to a determination of child support.
 zenarcade
Joined: 1/14/2009
Msg: 3 (view)
 
Question
Posted: 2/26/2009 10:35:06 AM

Once you begin a relationship with a single parent, does his/her children become your responsibility, as well?


No.


Are there certain do's, and don't's to being in a relationship with a single parent?


Yes. Do be glad he's involved in his child(ren)'s life--sadly, too many are not. Understand that there may be times when they have to break plans with you due to a child issue, and there will be times when they are not accessible because they are with their child(ren). Don't push to meet the child(ren). Do know that it is a "package deal"--I've met a couple women who don't seem to understand that.

And do continue to be sensitive (I say that because you are posting the questions, and clearly want to know) to those issues. On the other hand, don't let kids be an excuse for him.

Hope that helps!
 zenarcade
Joined: 1/14/2009
Msg: 51 (view)
 
Kinky or Vanilla...are you born either one?
Posted: 2/26/2009 10:23:23 AM
I don't think you're "born" either way, I think you evolve based on experiences and willingness to try things.


and at 45 I thought I knew and had done a lot. Guess you can teach an old dog new tricks.


Apologies if this is inappropriate to say, but I don't think 45 is old at all! Oh, and the tag line for your picture is, may I say, rather understated!
 zenarcade
Joined: 1/14/2009
Msg: 344 (view)
 
Prenuptial Agreements and Maximum Child Support payment!
Posted: 2/25/2009 8:19:49 AM
Since the question involves a British and Canadian citizen, either British or Canadian law would (most likely) apply.

In the United States, it would be almost unheard of for a the section of a prenuptial agreement that purported to limit child support to be enforced, unless the agreed upon limit was very high. In the case posed, where one party has an income of ~$300K, limiting child support to a maximum of $2500 per month, it is extremely unlikely that the provision would be upheld. (Read: It ain't gonna happen.)
 zenarcade
Joined: 1/14/2009
Msg: 44 (view)
 
Why do men want to meet after a 3 minute conversation?
Posted: 2/25/2009 8:04:46 AM
Since I can read people somewhat, I can tell within 5 minutes whether or not to pursue it.


If the above is true, what is your hesitation? You most likely know more about someone off POF than a random person you meet in a bar, grocery store, dog park, etc., because there is a certain amount of information on someone's profile that you wouldn't know by just running into someone. Or are you less confident of your ability to "read" someone electronically?

As several women here have noted, you can't predict chemistry absent an in-person meeting. So if you are looking to date and develop a relationship, you are better served by meeting sooner.

Also, dating to meet someone with whom to develop a relationship is a numbers game--the more people you meet, the more likely it is you will meet someone appropriate.


Just meet up early in a safe and very public place, establish whether the physical attraction exists, and get on with your lives getting to know one another or blow each other off...


Exactly correct.
 zenarcade
Joined: 1/14/2009
Msg: 12 (view)
 
Why do men want to meet after a 3 minute conversation?
Posted: 2/24/2009 8:44:27 PM

Thank you, at least someone agrees.


Were you looking for someone to agree with you or were you looking for an answer? Because you received a couple different answers, and apparently didn't care for them.
 zenarcade
Joined: 1/14/2009
Msg: 5 (view)
 
Why do men want to meet after a 3 minute conversation?
Posted: 2/24/2009 8:23:54 PM
Since you've been out of the dating scene for quite a while, I think you're going to discover that things move much more quickly than they did years ago.

Two reasons off the top of my head.

First, how are you supposed to get to know someone without meeting them? You can't.

Second, at least in my experience, the longer you put off meeting and the more time you spend emailing/talking on the phone, the greater the expectations become when you do meet--which expectations are generally disappointed. A corollary--there are too many other people out there, and so unless you find someone who is in a similar space to yours, a reluctance to meet will be read as a lack of interest.

My bias is always to meet sooner rather than later--I'd much rather meet someone in person and discover there is or is not any potential early on then to spend a lot of time only to discover there is nothing there.
 zenarcade
Joined: 1/14/2009
Msg: 22 (view)
 
Why Do Men Always Say They Are Not Just Looking For Sex
Posted: 2/24/2009 8:11:42 PM

If you find a man that wants to find a healthy relationship he wants sex. He also wants the rest of the package. Thus your basic question is flawed. Sex IS part of the much bigger picture.


I think the above is something that you gloss over. Your complaint seems to be that men want to get to sex faster than you do. That's fine--just make sure you specify that. And if you have only noticed that with men from POF, then the answer is straightforward--get off of POF!
 zenarcade
Joined: 1/14/2009
Msg: 3 (view)
 
Why do guys leave without saying goodbye
Posted: 2/24/2009 6:41:27 PM
In a nutshell, because it is easier on the man, and because the man thinks there are fewer repercussions.
 zenarcade
Joined: 1/14/2009
Msg: 39 (view)
 
sex in airplanes, whats your opinion?
Posted: 2/24/2009 6:10:48 PM
I'm all for it...

And a proud member of the Mile High Club!
 zenarcade
Joined: 1/14/2009
Msg: 453 (view)
 
What professions are a turn off?
Posted: 2/24/2009 5:55:24 PM

and I suppose your'e [sic] an ex spelling bee champ. . .


Have you surrendered your spelling bee trophy yet? ;)
 zenarcade
Joined: 1/14/2009
Msg: 66 (view)
 
debating politics
Posted: 2/24/2009 11:44:05 AM

Thank GOD for the [brave women] who paved the way for us to be able to think on our own and speak as we please.


There. Fixed it for you. ;)

A woman who is not interested in discussing politics is a negative for me. I enjoy discussing them, because they have such a large impact on our lives. I do not need to agree with someone on everything--as long as we can agree to disagree.


I'd prefer to think men have emerged from their caves and would find that sort of intelligence to be appealling or sexy in a woman....


Enormously so to me.
 zenarcade
Joined: 1/14/2009
Msg: 23 (view)
 
Is it normal?
Posted: 2/24/2009 11:22:25 AM
OP--

Sadly, DSV2 has nailed it. In my line of work, I know a lot of police and ex-police, and DSV2 is RIGHT ON. And do be aware of him contacting you again later.

You were very smart to not let him come over--it sounds like he was either just after you to sleep with you, after which he would have disappeared, or he's married/involved and was found out, or found someone else who let him come over at 11 at night (or whenever).
 zenarcade
Joined: 1/14/2009
Msg: 12 (view)
 
what should i do?
Posted: 2/24/2009 10:20:04 AM
Well, if you want some real suggestions, here you are:

1. Contact your county's child support enforcement unit. They can do all the paperwork etc. necessary to get child support in place. You are going to need it. Similarly, make sure you apply for all the public assistance you qualify for.

2. Cut all ties with him. He will not change.

3. Get yourself help for your drug use.

4. Make sure you have LOTS of help lined up to help you take care of the baby, and I do NOT mean the father.

5. Take your profile down--you are going to be WAY too busy to date when your baby arrives.

6. In the "locking the barn door" category, learn about and use birth control.
 zenarcade
Joined: 1/14/2009
Msg: 2 (view)
 
Is she putting her severance in jeopardy?
Posted: 2/23/2009 8:13:37 AM
And you're posting this here . . . why?

She may have just wanted a mental health day from the stress of work, and I'd have to say you didn't appear to help.

Also, since the company has already announced that her division will be closing and that she'll be laid off, there is an interesting legal question as to what would happen if the company terminated her before the scheduled layoff simply for taking a sick day (to which she is apparently entitled). You might talk to an employment lawyer in your neck of the woods . . .
 zenarcade
Joined: 1/14/2009
Msg: 4 (view)
 
Haven't met his friends yet!
Posted: 2/21/2009 5:11:12 PM
I would have thought you'd do something Valentine's Day after dating three months--that is something of a red flag to me.

I'd be less concerned about not having met friends on either side yet--with the limited time you've been able to spend together, not a huge deal in my book--you're still getting to know each other. If you don't meet any in the next three months, though, I'd be curious...

Have you mentioned you like to do some of the "fun things" he does with his friends? If not, that might be a good way to gracefully bring it up in conversation.
 zenarcade
Joined: 1/14/2009
Msg: 13 (view)
 
what should I do?
Posted: 2/21/2009 10:43:14 AM
This one is easy!

Let's review--he works in your town M-F and you see each other 2-3 times a week, and you've been to his home on the weekends. That's good--it means he most likely is not hiding anything at home. Hallelujah!

Your question is why doesn't he call you every day? Based on your description, kinetic hit it on the head--he's very busy and doesn't like talking on the phone. I can relate--I spend half my day on the phone for work, and the last thing I want to do is spend MORE time on the damn thing when I get home. Text, email, even video conference--fine. But I am so tied to the phone during the work day that I have almost no interest in talking on it later. The other possibility is that he has plans with co-workers, is too tired, or just wants a night all to himself.
 zenarcade
Joined: 1/14/2009
Msg: 14 (view)
 
Why do guys always say no games
Posted: 2/21/2009 10:35:31 AM
"Why do guys always say no games?"

Uh, because Trix are for kids, silly!

And because for all the complaining women do about men "playing" them, women do exactly the same things.
 zenarcade
Joined: 1/14/2009
Msg: 14 (view)
 
Feeling so confused
Posted: 2/21/2009 10:30:30 AM
Thunder got it essentially correct.

Put another way, he's just not that into you.
 zenarcade
Joined: 1/14/2009
Msg: 18 (view)
 
What Really Gets Your Attention?
Posted: 2/20/2009 2:54:42 PM

here is a tip.
Email the men you are interested in.


That is excellent advice.

Also, clean up your profile a bit--it's really choppy. Double space after a period, proper capitalization and grammar, etc.
 zenarcade
Joined: 1/14/2009
Msg: 9 (view)
 
should i ask?
Posted: 2/20/2009 2:41:06 PM

I think there is only one thing to do...
Ask him
Be clear and concise on what you want.
Be ready for any answer he may give you
Good luck


That is exactly correct.

Should you ask? Yes.
 zenarcade
Joined: 1/14/2009
Msg: 19 (view)
 
Incompatibility and Education
Posted: 2/20/2009 11:22:03 AM

Ouch, super harsh


Reality. Welcome to it.

And just so you know, "denial" is not the river in Egypt . . . ;)

Compound is correct. There are graduates from the Columbia School of Journalism (probably the nation's best) who are not working in journalism. You simply have to have a degree before anyone will take you seriously.

As for "if you have a goal set in mind, college shouldn't totally matter," there are many examples of how wrong that is. You could not become a doctor or a lawyer without going to, and graduating from, college. A four year degree is a prerequisite for entry to medical or law school.

I'm sorry if I've seemed harsh, but it is reality. Your options as a high school graduate are limited, and will only get more limited as time goes on and we continue the march to an information economy.
 zenarcade
Joined: 1/14/2009
Msg: 16 (view)
 
Incompatibility and Education
Posted: 2/20/2009 11:02:31 AM
Compound--

I wrote "most likely." I did not say you "need" a college education to "have a broader perspective on life . . . " I did point out that it is more likely to exist in someone who has earned a 4 year degree. Also, regarding your statement about how many people have bachelor's degrees:

New information from the U.S. Census Bureau reinforces the value of a college education: workers 18 and over with a bachelor’s degree earn an average of $51,206 a year, while those with a high school diploma earn $27,915. Workers with an advanced degree make an average of $74,602, and those without a high school diploma average $18,734.

According to new tables released on the Internet titled Educational Attainment in the United States: 2004, 85 percent of those age 25 or older reported they had completed at least high school and 28 percent had attained at least a bachelor’s degree — both record highs.

You're welcome! :)
 zenarcade
Joined: 1/14/2009
Msg: 6 (view)
 
Incompatibility and Education
Posted: 2/20/2009 10:10:42 AM
You're asking three questions.

First, what does "incompatibility" mean? In short, she did not see you as a viable half of a couple with her. Alternatively, She Just Wasn't That Into You, to borrow (and edit) the movie title.

Second, does going to college make a difference? Apparently to her it did. And if you look at the average incomes of 4 year college graduates compared to high school graduates, college graduates, on average, earn far more than people who only graduate high school. To add a personal perspective, a 4 year college graduate is also more likely to have a broader perspective on life, to be more interesting as a result, and to have been exposed to a wider variety of thoughts, ideas, and experiences. That matters to some people, and I will suggest it mattered to her.

You apparently believe that earning a degree means your life is planned out in advance. That's a fallacy, as I'm sure most people here with 4 year degrees (or higher) will tell you. You seem to be implying that she ultimately found you incompatible because you don't yet have a degree. That may be true. But if that is important to her, who are you to tell her otherwise? She probably did you a favor by ending it when she did.

Third, is someone having a degree a big deal to me? Yes. For the reasons I mentioned above--more perspective, more interesting, more able to think creatively and analytically, a wider range of thoughts, ideas, experiences, etc. I've met people who have not gone beyond a high school education, and while some of them are indeed bright, I now limit myself to people with at least a four year degree, and preferably a graduate degree. My experiences have been invariably better with more educated people.

Probably not what you wanted to read, but there it is. The good news is that it is never too late to start, and there are so many programs available that you can always find one that will let you get started.
 zenarcade
Joined: 1/14/2009
Msg: 20 (view)
 
Hit plateau, gone as far as it can. What now?
Posted: 2/20/2009 9:43:24 AM
Update:

Done. Not fun, but infinitely preferable to the alternative.

We were both looking for long term, and we progressed to a certain level, but then, as I wrote earlier, hit a plateau that I could not see us leaving, and which was not enough for me. Comfortable, yes, fun, yes, but I want some form of the energy that has existed in my best relationships, and that didn't develop.
 zenarcade
Joined: 1/14/2009
Msg: 2 (view)
 
Giving a rose...
Posted: 2/20/2009 9:13:16 AM
Certainly sounds like an overreaction to me.

A more tactful way to address it would have been to just ask if you're starting to see someone based on your giving away a rose.

I had something similar happen--I gave a rose to someone and someone else emailed me and said they saw that; was I still interested in talking.... And as things turned out, yes.

So to answer your question, I don't think guys get crazy over the rose giving thing. Depends on the guy and the circumstances.

And yes, it is a dating site--and people most likely ARE talking to more than one person.
 zenarcade
Joined: 1/14/2009
Msg: 95 (view)
 
ladies, how much older would you date?
Posted: 2/20/2009 8:43:59 AM

But the women that I've run into my age tend to be in really tired, ragged shape, been burned by men and are now fiercely independent and not into dating at all, are very pretty, classy and elegant but not into sex, and/or not able to keep up with me physically. 40s are a rather weird, depressing time.


That has not been my experience at all. Perhaps that is the difference between Florida and NYC? I'd suggest that your recent loss has far more to do with your perceptions than with the women you've actually met.

My experience is that women in their 40s have a much better sense of self and what they are looking for, and are more likely to be open with what they are looking for, and are more attractive than ever due in part to that.
 zenarcade
Joined: 1/14/2009
Msg: 8 (view)
 
Really??
Posted: 2/19/2009 9:00:02 PM
What do you mean when you say they threw you "under the bus?" Did they publish statements about you on myspace or Facebook? If so, I'd say go ahead and delete them--who needs that?

As for fake profiles, I think that's just sad . . .
 zenarcade
Joined: 1/14/2009
Msg: 7 (view)
 
TOO MUCH TOO FAST
Posted: 2/19/2009 7:09:31 PM
Trust yourself.

If it feels too fast, it probably is, and as others have noted he may be hiding something, etc. On the other hand, it is possible that he's convinced you are the one and that there's nothing sinister about it. So: Trust your own judgment about him. And don't let him (or anyone!) try to push things beyond what you are comfortable with.
 zenarcade
Joined: 1/14/2009
Msg: 1421 (view)
 
so, why are you still single?
Posted: 2/19/2009 6:55:57 PM

There might be a clue in here as to why some people have been rejected and are single in spite of their good looks.


Priceless! And all too true . . .

 zenarcade
Joined: 1/14/2009
Msg: 69 (view)
 
Can a man truly love you if he wants to see you with another man?
Posted: 2/19/2009 1:44:59 PM
To answer the question in the thread title, yes.

To answer the mirror question in the thread title, also yes.

It depends on the people involved, and as someone noted above, it's a live and let live situation. Some people enjoy seeing their partner with someone else, or swinging/swapping, etc., and others don't.
 zenarcade
Joined: 1/14/2009
Msg: 5 (view)
 
Hit plateau, gone as far as it can. What now?
Posted: 2/18/2009 2:36:25 PM
Thanks all--I suppose I knew the answer before I posted and just needed some outside help to make sure I'm seeing it clearly. A sanity check, if you prefer the term...

Landra--Yep, I agree. Usually I put myself on the side and ask how I'd prefer to be told, and my answer is almost invariably directly (albeit tactfully!). (And I'd note that your final paragraph applies equally to men. ;) )

I Cornelius--It's a reference, though intended as an homage to the band I've seen more than any other (around 50 times--not hard when you could follow them up and down the east coast!). And you're right--I guess I kinda have decided. Better that than "hardly getting over it...."

Lori--Yep!

Thanks all again!
 zenarcade
Joined: 1/14/2009
Msg: 1 (view)
 
Hit plateau, gone as far as it can. What now?
Posted: 2/18/2009 2:13:46 PM
Met someone and started dating them. Went well. There was a real sense of ease in how things developed, with neither of us seeming to "push" things. We're both in our early 40's and have both been married before, so we're beyond the "let's make it work" thing.

Now, though, after about a month we seem to have hit a plateau and I can't see the relationship developing beyond where we are. That is to say, I don't see me falling in love and thus I don't see it being a long term relationship as I have always thought of long term relationships. I also think she sees more potential than I do. The converse is that we have fun together and it's comfortable.

Ordinarily, I'd be direct and simply tell her how I felt and then talk it over--I'm just unsure if that's the best and most tactful way forward (despite my being well-known for saying "The swiftest surgery is the least painful.")

So the (obvious) question is: What do I do now? Do I break it off now? Do I keep going? Would you prefer to be hit with something like that directly, or would you prefer some subtlety? Thoughts appreciated.
 zenarcade
Joined: 1/14/2009
Msg: 21 (view)
 
Pre-Nupts in Canada. How much teeth do they have legally?
Posted: 2/18/2009 11:48:32 AM
Daisy--

I'll reiterate what I wrote earlier--you need to talk to a properly licensed attorney in your area who does a substantial amount of work in family law. Where I live many lawyers will not draft a prenup because the potential for the lawyer to be held liable is too high.

I agree with rock, above--you should NOT rely on what you read on the internet as legal advice.
 zenarcade
Joined: 1/14/2009
Msg: 16 (view)
 
Strange situation - dont understand - advice needed
Posted: 2/18/2009 9:31:18 AM
Easy. He is just not THAT into you, and you need to just ignore him and move on.
 zenarcade
Joined: 1/14/2009
Msg: 5 (view)
 
My girlfriend is bi-curious, help!
Posted: 2/18/2009 8:46:22 AM
You should be celebrating!

More seriously, I think you need to help her explore being bicurious. Two reasons.

First, she is going to explore anyway, and if you help you may prevent her resenting you later.

Second, better for everyone that she find out sooner rather than later. If she is, you have to decide if you are comfortable with that. If not, then it is done and you don't have to worry about it.

You can only lose by interfering with, or trying to, her explorations.
 zenarcade
Joined: 1/14/2009
Msg: 2 (view)
 
how much time
Posted: 2/18/2009 8:30:26 AM
Oh, come on. Totally depends on the two people involved.
 zenarcade
Joined: 1/14/2009
Msg: 579 (view)
 
Why do men have affairs?
Posted: 2/18/2009 8:23:37 AM
For the same reasons women do, which generally turn on inattention.
 zenarcade
Joined: 1/14/2009
Msg: 6 (view)
 
Intentional Relationships
Posted: 2/18/2009 8:07:18 AM
I agree with Hula. Completely. In the immortal words of Paul Simon, "slow down, you move too fast . . ."
 
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