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 Author Thread: Is there hope?
 1Crowned!
Joined: 2/22/2009
Msg: 10 (view)
 
Is there hope?
Posted: 5/21/2009 5:25:06 PM
I see you said in one of your comments 'you can only comment upon what you can see through the window I provide'

So why was my comment deleted? You are obviously biasing the insight and advise you get. So why should anyone bother?
 1Crowned!
Joined: 2/22/2009
Msg: 18 (view)
 
want advise about a 8 year marriage ending
Posted: 5/21/2009 5:07:38 PM
Too much opinon here without walking in their shoes. If you listen to such stuff you will mess up! I agree though that you should not let the situation just go on without trying to resolve it. My first reaction would be to try and resolve thus by repairing the damage, not cause more.
 1Crowned!
Joined: 2/22/2009
Msg: 62 (view)
 
I feel like I've lost my soul
Posted: 5/21/2009 2:32:39 PM
There is some really good and some really bad advice posted here! Can I say anything what will make a difference? I hope so or why write something!
First, your feelings are your feelings and there is no simple quick fix. What you are going through, and you must go through it, is sudden, awful, and earth shaking. All that advice of keeping busy and talking to others etc is only necessary distractions so your feelings are not so intense that you can not function. Helpful but is also avoiding the issue and thus does not get to the crux to resolve it.
Let me say that all the hype of finding the perfect match and getting married to him/her is an accident waiting to happen. No one stay the same over a lifetime. People change. How you deal with those changes is what makes or breaks relationships. With each little crisis that you work through together you build trust for when a big earth shattering crisis comes along. If your marriage has been really smooth up til now, you may find yourself franticly reaching for tools and helps to deal with it. That is where good counsel comes in. At the same time you still have to live it each day.
This sounds like a very typical mid life crisis, which covers a lot of things! So there are no pat answers. You do have to talk or nothing changes. Each has to both listen and talk while being very willing to do some soul searching. All to often a person will turn their life upside down without identifying the real problem. Then lives are shattered and all becuase he never realized a dream. Well, sometimes dreams have to be put on the shelf because we worked on other dreams that are far more rewarding in the long run, but not easy to see when looking at one that will now never be realized. So in some vain attempt, and I stress 'vain', to live the impossible for a moment, we distroy what is really charished and loved in our lives. It does not make sense. Do not try to apply logic. It is all emotion and feelings, and you are living feelings now that help you realize you can not write them off or ignore them. Yet resolution does require some moment of being rational. That's is just a beginning. If you can get inside his heart just one more time, you have a chance to help him ... and he does need you to help him. Otherwise the outcome will most likely be another life disaster for what should have been a happy marriage. May God bless you in this, your own personal testing.
 1Crowned!
Joined: 2/22/2009
Msg: 8 (view)
 
i feel worthless how do i meet someone
Posted: 5/21/2009 1:58:29 PM
Lots of good advice here and from the others. I have a hard time getting my mind around thinking what you had here is love. Lust is more like it given you are ready to find another so quickly. Yeah it was fun for a time, but you come across as not really caring about her or your son. Is that what you call love? Is that what you are offering the next person? Good luck with that!
Now that you are a dad (assuming it is your son), you do need good legal advice. If you don't have the funds for a lawyer then a legal assistant can help too! You need legal help period. Don't haggle on this point. I don't agree that you need any other professional help, but you do need to grow up a lot ... and fast! Now that you are responsible for all your actions, you best start looking at the consequences before you act. Otherwise live in the hell you make for yourself. I'll pray for those you are taking down with you! You are not an island in this world. Your actions impact others even if you are just a coworker or neighbor. If you don't agree, just talk to an FBI agent who does background checks and builds character references by talking to your family, friends, coworkers, and neighbors.
Now that you have a son, you have one more life that is very closely tied to your actions and choices. What shadows do you want to cast in his direction? Somehow your actions presented here say you don't have enough respect or love for yourself to have a relationship with anyone! That includes your son. In any case, your son may be the one person to teach you what you need to know the most right now. Yet you can not have that happen if he is not a part of your life. If you really care about him then fight to ensure he is always going to be in your life. That may well be the next best choice you can make right now .. not the relationship Q you asked about. Forget that and start showing you give a hoot about someone other than yourself.
 1Crowned!
Joined: 2/22/2009
Msg: 12 (view)
 
want advise about a 8 year marriage ending
Posted: 5/21/2009 1:28:08 PM
I read the postings and my thought is forget what the guys are asying (except for the one that say 'this is good advice') and listen to the ladies.
Just maybe you two got too comfortable and stopped dating each other! It is not easy to end 8 years of being with someone! Where do you go? Who do you talk to? So yeah, some of her behavior is going to be to return to the familiar.
Sit down with her NOW and really talk to her! That usually means you listen most of the time. It also usually means ask questions instead of making statements. When you do talk, open your mind and your heart. Don't be ready to do battle or it will be a battle! Think of it more like sitting at the peace table and working out the issues. Really try to see here side and if there really is no working it out then you at least know what to do next either way.
 1Crowned!
Joined: 2/22/2009
Msg: 165 (view)
 
Nice guys finish last is a sad truth...
Posted: 5/21/2009 1:13:08 PM
I have read all of these posting and have to ask why you think you are the problem? The issues are obviouse in your statements of these two ladies. You had just enough time with each for them to realize it was not a good match. You are so blessed! Why would you want to cling to someting that is not going to get better in the future ... unless you are indeed needy? I'm not saying you should be anything but good and respectful to them, but breakups can be for the best! Be kind and move on to fine the one who is best for you. Don't stay here and cry over spilled milk.
You actually have some good advice from a few here, but your replies indicate you are not listening ... you are arguing! Soften and really listen to some of the good advice you have already been given. Even if not intended, you do come across as needy and that is a big killer of almost any relationship...unless u want a DOM as your soul mate. Not being funny here ... just sincere. You do not sound like you have grown out of the 'I / Me / Myself' stage just yet to where you are the confident man in a relationship. The ladies hate that. They don't want to start out mothering someone!
 1Crowned!
Joined: 2/22/2009
Msg: 22 (view)
 
cant get over her, and she wants to be friends
Posted: 5/21/2009 12:44:38 PM
I have to agree with kpooks on this one. Pushing for relationship at this time is just being selfish and thoughtless. Cutting her off would only prove that is your position. Offer to help! That is what she really needs at this time from what I glean from the comments. Yes, she still cares for her EX, but that is compassion for a dying person not romantic love! To top it off it won't be for long if he is on his death bed. Have a heart guy! Walk in her shoes for a bit and stop thinking about what you are missing. Go support her through this and she will love you more than ever. Cut her off and you alone have end the best thing you ever had. Your choice!
 
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