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Thread: the logistics of relationships

Joined: 3/2/2009

Msg: 7 (view)

the logistics of relationships Posted: 9/14/2009 1:43:48 PM
Not sure if I can. It makes more sense for me to sell my place and move into his. His home is bigger, and on more property. But I raised my kids here, and this is the place that feels like home. These transitions were definately easier years ago when the roots of my life werent soooo deep into the ground. Maybe this means that I am not ready. Maybe it means that there is just no easy way to do this. Its not just about belongings or addresses, it's about all the feelings that are attatched to these things through all the years. I imagine that there will have to be a whole lot of understanding on both sides and completely open communication. I am just speaking from my own perspective as someone who may be facing this same scenario in the near future. A tiny insight as to my individual thought process. But everyone is different. Some people may be able to deal with all this easier than others. And your situation is unique to the both of you as well. I wish you all the best in finding your way through it. <3 <3

Joined: 3/2/2009

Msg: 32 (view)

always on POF Posted: 8/7/2009 1:11:44 PM
It's all about trust..... It's all about trust..... Really........ There are many people here at pof that are in relationships but still log on to read the forums. I am one of those people. I have the computer on all day and one of the tabs is usually on pof. Doesnt mean that I am actually on pof all day. Doesnt even mean that I am actually at the computer. Just means I have left it on and walked away to do other things. Everyone who comes to this community here is here for their own very specific reasons. If you are curious as to why she is on pof still, then just ask. But only you will know if you will believe what her answer will be. And it feels to me that you are already feeling that what she is doing is wrong before you even are thinking of asking her the question. So will it really matter what her answer will be, if you seem to have already formed your opinion about the subject? So ask yourself this...... if you have to ask her why she is still on pof, does that mean you trust her? An innocent question is different from an accusation....... Bottom line is, do you trust her? Only you can answer that, and that is the most important question of all.

Joined: 3/2/2009

Msg: 7 (view)

What does it mean to give and take Posted: 8/7/2009 8:35:45 AM
It is too vague to mean anything at all until she explains it to you. No reason to overthink it or try to read anything into it at all. Maybe you guys will have a chance to discuss it at a later time, then you'll know. Till then, just chill. (just my opinion )

Joined: 3/2/2009

Msg: 114 (view)

What do you think? Is this Selfishness or Not Settling? Posted: 8/7/2009 8:20:19 AM
I think, in life, we fall into patterns dependant upon our life circumstances. And before we realize it, those patterns become "comfort zones", so to speak for us throughout life. In my own experience, I fell into the role of caregiver early on with a young relationship. And then, when my mom became ill, this role continued for me as she moved in with me and my young son. During this time, my aunt had a stroke and had to be placed in a nursing home and I became executor of her estate and the main person to help supervise he care and stay while she was in the nursing home for the last five years of her life. My mom lived with me for 20 years as her health steadily declined and she passed away just about a month ago. I became comfortable in the role of taking care of other people and I believe that I chose relationships throughout the years that reflected that "comfort zone" that I was in. Not complaining here at all. Just trying to lend a bit of observation and maybe similarity to some degree..... From reading your post GS, I felt I was able to relate to the circumstances of your story and your search to understand where all this has brought you to today. I feel that I am recently at the same kind of crossroads. Change is never easy or comfortable. And sometimes its easier to "stick with what you know" than to step outside that comfort zone and realize maybe there is another way that could bring you more happiness/fulfillment. For me, stepping out of the role of caregiver and allowing someone to maybe take care of me a little bit makes me very uncomfortable and it seems very difficult for me to accept help from other people. I almost feel like a failure. Now, I know that is not logical and pshychologically stems from the circumstances of my life to this point (my comfort zone). None the less, something that I need to work on. All of the circumstances of your life is what makes you the person you are today. No regrets for me, I know I have some things about myself that I need to work on. But don't we all!! Learn something from everything that you have done/been through so that you can take away something positive from it, even if it's a hard lesson. Life here is a journey the whole way through to the end. Always learning, always trying to do better, be better. I think that I state it this way because, I read posts here and hear people talk about "how, by this age, so and so should know better". I am not sure there is a cut off age for learning any lesson, or having any new life experience to learn from. These things continue till we are old and gray. And I want them to, because that is what makes me feel alive. Growing , learning, loving, losing.....experiencing, feeling, life. So be proud of who you are and where you have come from. And look forward to where you are going! Don't be afraid to step out of those "comfort zones". You will never know until you try!! I am here in the ofrums reading even though I do not always contribute. And I want you to know I have always enjoyed reading your contributions to the forums. Either I have been helpful in some way here, or you have made me reflect upon my own journey and I have turned this post into something about myself, LOL. Anyways, maybe there is something in it that you can relate to as well. And last but not least, HAPPY BIRTHDAY GONESAILING!!!!!!!!! ~Diane

Joined: 3/2/2009

Msg: 118 (view)

Does anyone have anything good to say about their EX? Posted: 7/6/2009 6:46:38 AM
Golfgirl (msg 14) Amazingly well put!! And exactly what I would have said. Only you said it WAY better!! I have to say, the incitefulness and maturity of some of the contributers in these forums (and you are one of them) is truly inspirational to me and is what keeps me coming back each day to read more!!! Thanks!!!!!!

Joined: 3/2/2009

Msg: 15 (view)

Texting before talking on the phone. Posted: 7/1/2009 12:37:28 PM
I don't give out my phone number to people I meet online. I prefer to email back and forth and/or arrange to meet in a very public place. Anyone can misrepresent themselves online and if you give out your phone number before you have a chance to find that out, then where are you? Maybe needing to change your number? JMO... Have a super day!!!!

Joined: 3/2/2009

Msg: 43 (view)

Justifying Cheating? Posted: 7/1/2009 7:20:51 AM
Ebay has forums? I am half tempted to go look, lol.

Joined: 3/2/2009

Msg: 133 (view)

Would you continue seeing someone if you found out they're really sick? Posted: 6/30/2009 11:27:54 AM
If you pull away from everyone who is gonna pass away.... well, "everyone" is gonna pass away. You may have some estimate of how much time you will have with this guy. But who is to say that the next person that you choose will not die, or leave, or cheat, or whatever, unexpectedly? Knowing or not knowing, we should all cherish the really good people in our lives and enjoy the times that we are able to share with them. And when they are gone, then remember and cherish all the wonderful memories. And then, start the next chapter of your life.

Joined: 3/2/2009

Msg: 64 (view)

Pro-Life vs. Pro-Choice in Dating scary music swells Posted: 6/19/2009 3:25:09 PM
Hey cool!! Somebody else besides me was watching Seinfeld last night!!! I didnt get to watch the whole thing though cause I had to get ready for work. Ah well......

Joined: 3/2/2009

Msg: 2 (view)

Friendship First Posted: 5/25/2009 1:22:24 PM
I agree completely! Only speaking from my own experience, it takes longer than you think it does to really get to know another human being. It is, of course, awesome when you can start off with a physical attraction and be able to get to know each other with all the "ideals" (meaning romance too) in place. But, if you start off romantically and the rest of the chips don't follow as you would hope? (friendship, trust, complete acceptance) Then, what you have left is kind of a mess.... expectations, blame, dissappointment, the emotional attatchment that comes from being in a romantic relationship. Which all could have been possibly avoided if you would have proceeded with caution and let thing s fall into place in a better order. Thanks for posting :o) :o)

Joined: 3/2/2009

Msg: 31 (view)

Honesty,Integrity, Loyalty,= Open ended and confused Posted: 5/20/2009 4:44:09 PM
I have two things to say: 1. Listen to RockMan (soft rock) :o) If there is a way to feel better in this situation that you are in, you will find it somewhere in his words. They are from a truly awesome place in his heart. 2. RockMan. Will you marry me??? jk, but bravo man!!!!

Joined: 3/2/2009

Msg: 84 (view)

How can you tell you are over someone? Posted: 5/20/2009 8:36:09 AM
SparklingRoseR and ncagent, words of true wisdom and maturity. I coudn't have worded this nearly as well. Thank you for sharing.

Joined: 3/2/2009

Msg: 33 (view)

my boyfriend owes me money Posted: 5/15/2009 10:09:02 AM
2Hedz, I never heard that song before. Looked it up on you tube. Now I don't suggest you go breaking anybody's car windows at all, but the song was way cool!! Thx :o) And OP, I was in a similar situation years ago. Basically I just (hate to say the word nag, but) asked nicely, but often, and said "even if it's only $5 or $10 this week, it's cool. Better than nothing". After some weeks of this, I believe he just wanted to pay it to get it off both our conversations. It worked for me, but not all situations are the same. So, good luck to you.

Joined: 3/2/2009

Msg: 6 (view)

To understand or not to understand that is the question...lol Posted: 5/12/2009 11:12:14 AM
IMO, Two people in a relationship/marriage, whatever, are a team. One sided, not two, in order to achieve a common goal. Whether the goal is for the week, month year, ect. One person had no time to cut the grass, the other pitches in and gets it done. Someone didn't have time to cook dinner, (maybe the kids were a handful that day. And imo, you can't put a price tag on caring for and loving and spending as much quality time with your children as you can) the other part of the team can prepare dinner that particular day or decide together that take out is best for all parties involved. No monetary value need be assigned to fixing your wifes car or helping your husband get the grass cut when he had to put in some overtime. No score card for having to rock the colicky baby all day no matter which partner you are. If it needs to be done, ya just pitch in together and do it. No one persons skills should be valued above the others in a relationship. It's the effort of the "team" with everyones indvidual contributions that achieves the goals, long and short term. If I found myself calculating the value of each others contributions, I think I would feel as if it were a contest, which would put us on opposite teams instead of the same team. Ah yes, in my perfect dream world, that's exactly how it would be.

Joined: 3/2/2009

Msg: 25 (view)

some questions and a comment Posted: 5/12/2009 9:11:28 AM
I thought that the headline area was for like your "quote of the day". I change mine a couple times a week depending on just how "snarky" (or bored) I feel. (was wondering where this little green bouncy alien was. Couldn't find it in the email reply section, lol) Have a great day everybodeeeee!!! (Yeah, I am easily amused :o) :o))

Joined: 3/2/2009

Msg: 27 (view)

Difference in IQ - your experiences? Posted: 5/10/2009 10:03:05 AM
OP. I believe that this is one of those qualities about her that is either gonna make you love her more, or that is gonna make you decide that maybe she isn't the perfect match for you. It is a highly individual decision and only you can decide if this quality about her is one that you adore or one that will make you two not suited for each other in the long run. You say that she is a wonderful lady with other truly awesome characteristics. Try not to look down on this characteristic and maybe you will see it in from a new and fresh perspective? JMO :o) :o) :o)

Joined: 3/2/2009

Msg: 14 (view)

Life after living with someone who is BPD Posted: 4/30/2009 11:10:48 PM
OP, after reading your post and some of the responses. I believe you will get your best advice from packagedeal3x and Downtowndc. They have experienced this type of relationship before. (And excellent advice by the way, the two of you!) And so have I. 15 years on and off for me. I completely identified with everything (everything!!) that you wrote. And also with the other two posts. Let the possessions go. They can't mean more than your sanity. The only downside I found to that is the occasional phone call because he believes that as long as he has these things, he still can use them to try to connect with you. (And that is precisely whyb you won't EVER get them all back) Oh, I too have a big heart. I forgive and forget way too easy. Always have, always will. Fault of mine or not, it is who I am. And I am ok with that. I'll take my lumps as they come but I am always proud of who I am in the end. This relationship has made you stronger in ways you will realize in time. And reading your post and those of others here has been theraputic for me as well. So I thank you for sharing and wish you all the best!! ~Diane

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