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FourUms

Joined: 3/17/2009

Msg: 15 (view)

whats with my ex dont understand him Posted: 5/19/2009 11:11:12 AM
My guess is that he liked having you as a sure thing, or a fallback plan. Then he could go out and chase other women for the thrill of it. If he failed, he had you as his second choice. Sounds like a winner to me.

FourUms

Joined: 3/17/2009

Msg: 18 (view)

Onion breath Posted: 5/19/2009 11:04:37 AM
I cook with onions and garlic. I also keep clean and brush my teeth. I think this is a situation where I'd have to physically be in her presence to make the call. A food smell isn't going to turn me off. A strong, pungent odor may.

FourUms

Joined: 3/17/2009

Msg: 19 (view)

Men look but don't msg. Is my profile to forward? Posted: 5/19/2009 10:59:15 AM
Plenty of people look but don't say anything. Don't let it bug you. How do I start talking to you when I can't get you to talk to me[...] This seems obvious to me, in fact you basically answer it yourself... start talking to them!

FourUms

Joined: 3/17/2009

Msg: 16 (view)

Am I giving off the wrong vibe? Posted: 5/19/2009 10:55:36 AM
Just come out and say what you want or don't want in your profile. Sometimes guys don't take hints so well. Even if you come out and say it, some won't read it, but it should help. Say what you said here - your dad's in his 50's, and you don't want a guy who's close to that; you don't have kids, and you don't want 'em.

FourUms

Joined: 3/17/2009

Msg: 18 (view)

Every loves theri kids, that's a given yes? Posted: 5/19/2009 10:47:02 AM
My bet is, they don't ALL do it. In fact I'm sure of it, because I don't. I think the guys who DO put it there are probably mimicking the women who put the same thing. As soon as you figure out why the women put it there, we'll have the whole situation worked out.

FourUms

Joined: 3/17/2009

Msg: 83 (view)

Guys: Tgirls hot or not?? Posted: 5/19/2009 12:42:42 AM
Ms Micki, again you hit the nail on the head: It would be deception......pure and simple..... I don't care if the person "thinks" she's a woman......if you have a penis.....you're a man. and any man that has any kind of sex w/ someone w/ a penis..... is NOT a straight man. Period. If I took a man home.......and found out he didn't possess a penis.... I'd be mighty ticked off. Not because some chick decided she wanted to be a man..... but because I was decieved into believing I was going home with someone that had the parts I desired! That is not judging their choice.....that is judging their dishonesty. I refuse to drag out all the tired semi-PC B.S. about I've got this friend or I've got that friend... that's so Steven Colbert grinning and pointing with his arm around his "black friend". As an addendum to my previous comment, I will say that if the same hypothetical T-Girl had approached me at the bar and made clear her situation, I may very well have sat with her all night and talked about any number of subjects - gender issues may or may not be included. At no time would I have considered bringing her home for a romp, nor would I look down on her in any regard. I might easily spend my evening in conversation with her if she was intellectually engaging, and pay no attention to available females. It would then be in the realm of MY choice. The infuriating aspect of the OP is the idea of the deception. Presuming I was taking home an available sex partner and discovering that was not at all the case.

FourUms

Joined: 3/17/2009

Msg: 54 (view)

How do you feel about love bites? Posted: 5/18/2009 3:34:18 PM
Biting is good - both to give and receive. The intention isn't to leave a mark, but inevitably it happens. Since high school I've been aware enough, and hope my partner would be aware enough, not to leave any evidence where it might be seen when clothed.

FourUms

Joined: 3/17/2009

Msg: 45 (view)

Guys: Tgirls hot or not?? Posted: 5/18/2009 3:04:05 PM
First off, I'm not in the habit of taking women home from bars. That being said, in answer to the question posed in the OP, would I do it? No. To top that off, I'd be mightily pissed. My dictionary defines charade as "an absurd pretense intended to create a pleasant or respectable appearance", so I can see how that word would apply. I don't think it's any different than finding out the person is married or has a gf or bf. I actually think it's worse than this. Chances are the bar pickup was just for a one night stand anyway. While I don't condone cheating, and wouldn't want to be a party to it, the one night stand would likely have already happened by the time I found out. I'd be irritated that I'd been deceived into helping someone cheat, but that's all. The fact is, if I brought a woman home for sex, I'd fully expect the requisite parts to be there.

FourUms

Joined: 3/17/2009

Msg: 67 (view)

What is Your Pet Peeve About Driving On Public Roads/Highways? Posted: 5/17/2009 2:00:13 AM
Cell phones are bad... whenever I see someone doing something stupid, 9 times out of ten they're on the phone. That's anything from waiting out a green arrow turning left, so no one gets to go - to cutting you off with a fraction of an inch to spare because they didn't see you - then you get a wave because they knew they were wrong. With one hand waving and the other holding the cell, who's driving? Still... the thing that gets me the most is the left-lane drivers. I live in a basically rural area. There is an expressway used to reach the local metro area. The rural drivers seem to inherently know to stay to the right except to pass. The "city folk" drive on the left all the time. What's up with that? At no time should I ever be going faster than a car in the left lane when there is no corresponding car in the right lane moving slower. Passing on the right is now legal in most cases, but I should never have to do it. The basic rule is to get to the right-most lane which is free of cars going slower than you. Around here there's a sign every mile or two saying "slower traffic keep right". Why is that so tough to understand? Move the fcuk over!

FourUms

Joined: 3/17/2009

Msg: 15 (view)

any ideas for masturbation ? Posted: 5/16/2009 6:35:34 PM
Hmmm... so is the problem that you're not getting off? Or are you just tired of the same old, same old? You could get some appropriately shaped fruits or vegetables out of the fridge. Maybe do some laundry and sit on or rub up against the washer when it hits the spin cycle. Invest in a motorcycle. Find some erotica to read and get your juices flowing. Make a new friend on the internet - ask him what to do.

FourUms

Joined: 3/17/2009

Msg: 24 (view)

Being with someone for the sake of it...... Posted: 5/15/2009 11:25:56 PM
Wow, this could start about four other threads, and I know it did start one. All are just my opinions: Sparks are necessary. If there's no spark, you can try for a bit to see if it happens. Nine times out of ten it won't, and usually if it does, it's not worth it anyway. He's a "nice guy", hence the lack of sparks. He might have seemed like a pushover or a doormat. Who wants that? You feel bad because he seemed to be trying so hard. In fact it was probably all that "trying" that turned you off and prevented the sparks. Being single for a long time, you've probably been telling yourself over and over that "you don't need a man". Now you believe it, and feel offended when one wants to be a part of your life. Human beings pair up. They've been doing it for a couple million years. When an individual denies this to him or herself for a substantial amount of time, there's going to be a period of readjustment before getting back into healthy, human relationships.

FourUms

Joined: 3/17/2009

Msg: 12 (view)

I lied to keep a love Posted: 5/15/2009 11:13:19 PM
There's usually no sense in trying to prolong things when they're headed for the toilet. Under what circumstances can lying even prolong something? You did something wrong. You lie and say you didn't or you lie about why you did. You're in a bad situation (like not having a job, or still being married) and lie about that. These things won't help. Let it go, and save yourself some of the heartache.

FourUms

Joined: 3/17/2009

Msg: 279 (view)

Hair pulling during doggystyle Posted: 5/15/2009 11:02:50 PM
I've know some who liked it and some who didn't - probably more who did, when it comes down to it. If you're going to do it, you definitely want to get a big handful to spread out the force.

FourUms

Joined: 3/17/2009

Msg: 42 (view)

Should a 42 year old male email a 31 year old lady ? Posted: 5/15/2009 5:18:46 PM
Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Take a chance. Of course I'm not sure, but I'm betting you've written to other women who didn't reply.

FourUms

Joined: 3/17/2009

Msg: 9 (view)

does my love for a band bother you? Posted: 5/15/2009 4:05:28 PM
Well it doesn't bother me, but I like Dave Matthews. If it's not dominating your conversations or what your life revolves around, I can't see any reason for it to be a problem. Maybe he just likes being controlling.

FourUms

Joined: 3/17/2009

Msg: 7 (view)

Odd question... Posted: 5/14/2009 10:55:35 PM
Hmmm... This seems to be another example of why it's nearly impossible for males and females to be "just" friends - when there's any hint of attraction or availability. If you, OP, give him compliments when he may be thinking of you romantically, but you've ruled him out - he's likely to stick around and be your "friend", hoping someday it will amount to more. Just don't do it. Destroy his ego, or whatever it takes. Anything else you do is likely to make him think he has a shot.

FourUms

Joined: 3/17/2009

Msg: 86 (view)

ok boys which do u prefer boobs or butts? Posted: 5/14/2009 9:56:48 PM
both are meant to attract us guys... ever take the butt or boob test? when you cant tell if its cleavage or butt? both look the same, well from a certain point of view... in a close up pic anyway... I read a theory a number of years ago which said female breasts on humans evolved to mimic the look of the cleft between the buttocks. This happened when we became upright. Primates often use the rear to signal sexual fertility - think red-assed monkeys. When we started walking on two legs, it became an advantage to advertise in the front as well. The theory went on to speculate that social evolution has continued this mimicry. Plenty of women's clothing is designed to display and enhance the cleavage in a manner which even more closely resembles a healthy posterior. Of course it's probably all crap invented by some horny grad student who wanted some grant money to look at a bunch of tits and asses. It's still interesting to think about!

FourUms

Joined: 3/17/2009

Msg: 16 (view)

How do you define status and do you seek it? Posted: 5/14/2009 9:33:19 PM
If I hear someone mention "status" in reference to what they're seeking in a mate, I automatically think of wealth and power. Yes, you can look to the dictionary definition and apply it to any attribute like cuteness or emotional availability. However, I believe words have different weights based on their context. In the context of dating, I think it has to do with social standing. My built-in Apple dictionary gives the following definition, in part (emphasis in original): 1 the relative social, professional, or other standing of someone or something : an improvement in the status of women. • high rank or social standing : those who enjoy wealth and status. [...] EDIT: No, I don't seek it. Any status but the extremes is acceptable to me. With a super-low social status (like living entirely off the state), I would think she had no ambition and that I might be seen as a meal ticket. A super-high social status (like owning a small country and surrounded by an army of servants) would make me think that we live in different worlds. For the right woman I might make an exception for the latter.

FourUms

Joined: 3/17/2009

Msg: 133 (view)

men outnumber women on dating sites Fact? or Myth? Posted: 5/14/2009 8:34:07 PM
I did a little experiment. First I logged out, so my search criteria don't affect anything. Then I did an open search with no restrictions. I reduced the radius until both males and females were under 600 (the maximum that will be shown). I also tried limiting by age, then by age and what they're seeking. Here's my results: Within 15 miles - no restrictions: 36% female / 63% male. Within 15 miles - between 30-40: 36% female / 63% male. Within 25 miles - long-term, 30-40: 43% female / 57% male. Within 25 miles - dating, 30-40: 31% female / 69% male. Within 25 miles - intimate, 30-40: 4% female / 96% male. FWIW

FourUms

Joined: 3/17/2009

Msg: 82 (view)

ok boys which do u prefer boobs or butts? Posted: 5/14/2009 8:03:36 PM
there is only so much you can do with boobs. I am a 100% ass guy myself. How much more can you do with an ass? "ok girls, I have strong chiseled pecs and and a rock hard ass like Christian Bale.. which do you gals prefer?" Thanks for the heads-up, sepia, I was about to post that!

FourUms

Joined: 3/17/2009

Msg: 19 (view)

Why Do Guys Do This?? Posted: 5/14/2009 2:30:19 PM
I know anyone is free to respond. In my mind, however, this is the absolute wrong answer: Stay aloof... there is a good reason for feminine mystique. It works. I'd advise you to continue to be yourself. Don't play "keep away" games... or any games for that matter. For whatever reason, those guys weren't right for you. The right one won't concern himself with how much or how little time you talk - and neither will you. It will just work out to be what's right for both of you. If you play the game of not communicating as much as you want, you'll just end up asking yourself if you should have talked more to the guys who disappear. EDIT: If you don't hear back, it's not a great idea to send a bunch of unanswered emails, IM's, etc. That can come off bad. My advice is for the frequency of two-way communication.

FourUms

Joined: 3/17/2009

Msg: 13 (view)

What would you do? Posted: 5/14/2009 2:24:22 PM
My first thought was that he's telling you this to let you down easy - people make time for someone important to them. Then you say things may change at the end of June. If he's asking you to hold out that long, consider giving it a shot. If you're just assuming it will change, I'll fall back to my first answer. You also mention being ready to "live it up". What does this entail? Are you wanting to go on long trips and such? If that's the case he probably won't be able to accompany you until the kids are grown. He may also not want or be able to live an expensive lifestyle at this point in his life.

FourUms

Joined: 3/17/2009

Msg: 18 (view)

Does he just want to be a friend? Posted: 5/13/2009 9:31:26 PM
It sounds like he's told you repeatedly that he's still hung up on his ex. In my mind that says he doesn't want a relationship. I'd say maybe he wants sex, but you say he's always been a gentleman. So chances are he's emotionally self-aware and doesn't want to get involved. He still likes the company of women, so he asks you and others out. Maybe that's what he misses most about his ex. Or maybe that's what he's using to forget about whatever he misses most. Don't think you can have a relationship with him, he's told you he's not ready for that. If you like him for other reasons, be his friend. Still... don't expect it to go anywhere. Finally, what is the silly quirk that you felt was impolite and was making things awkward when you went out? Knowing this could be crucial to the whole story. My answer could change completely depending on what it is. Thanks.

FourUms

Joined: 3/17/2009

Msg: 15 (view)

Is he Flirting? Posted: 5/13/2009 9:09:17 PM
It sounds like flirting. Sometimes flirting is just flirting and isn't meant to go anywhere. Maybe he does it for an ego boost. Maybe he just likes talking to pretty women.

FourUms

Joined: 3/17/2009

Msg: 14 (view)

Why so shallow?? Posted: 5/13/2009 9:05:27 PM
Something sounds a little bit off here, but I'm not sure what. Did you keep pushing that it was only tennis you were interested in? Chances are he wanted more. Maybe he thought the tennis was going to be your screening process. If you kept telling him it was never going to be more than tennis, I can see him bailing. Blocking you seems extreme, but who knows? Do you have any reason to believe your Facebook pictures are significantly different than the ones here? If they're pretty much the same, I can't see your physical appearance turning him off. In my mind that eliminates him being shallow at least in that regard. (BTW, narcissism means he's in love with his own appearance.) The only thing left that I can think of, is that he saw something else on your Facebook page which turned him off. Who knows what that could be. Maybe you're friends with his ex or something. In any case, blocking you without saying anything is rude and weird. Welcome to the Internet - home of the rude and weird.

FourUms

Joined: 3/17/2009

Msg: 20 (view)

I only read responses posted by females Posted: 5/13/2009 8:43:29 PM
Well, I guess you won't see this, so I don't know why I'm responding... On super long threads, I read the OP and a few immediate responses, then I skip to whoever resurrected the thread. I usually wonder at what made them do so. Then I read the rest from there. On medium length threads, or those which don't hold much interest, I read the OP and the responses of posters who I have come to respect (or find humorous). On short threads I read them all. I've never noticed a proclivity for just reading female responses. I am much more likely to view a female poster's profile, however.

FourUms

Joined: 3/17/2009

Msg: 7 (view)

I Must Be Strange... Posted: 5/13/2009 2:55:12 PM
I don't believe you're an alien. There are some number of people who feel the way you do. There was a recent, similar thread here started by a man. I think it's very good - even crucial - that you tell men upfront about your desire to wait. It's a shame that some men don't respect that. I think you would just want to move on if they don't. You may want to make clear what your limits are. If sexual conversation and touching are also out of the question, say so... early. All that being said, I think you are in the vast minority among both men and women, perhaps especially on a dating site. (Maybe a Christian dating site would be a better choice, if that's your proclivity. I've never looked into it.) I think most people believe that sex, sexuality and sexual compatibility are a huge part of a romantic relationship - it's what sets them apart from friendships. Very few want to wait until after a legally binding commitment to find out if they're compatible. Yes, sex is a unique, precious thing. Many people find joy in sharing that experience with someone they find special. A last note - wanting sex in a long term relationship or wanting to talk about it before deciding to enter a long term relationship does not automatically mean someone is only looking for a "booty call". Good luck!

FourUms

Joined: 3/17/2009

Msg: 16 (view)

I'd like to ask the ladies... Posted: 5/13/2009 2:40:46 PM
I love a tease as long as it leads somewhere... eventually. I suppose teasing can be lumped in with foreplay. To me it's different, though, because the immediate intent is not to lead into sex. The intent is to cause and/or maintain arousal without getting to sex right away - and with no release. The duration can be variable. It usually ends when one party or the other can't take it anymore!

FourUms

Joined: 3/17/2009

Msg: 52 (view)

ok boys which do u prefer boobs or butts? Posted: 5/13/2009 1:43:08 PM
Personally I like both. Neither should be too big. Small is ok. Well proportioned and firm is what's most important for both in my opinion. Breasts seem to feature more prominently in actual bedroom activities, so if I was forced to choose for one over the other to be perfection whereas the other was merely acceptable, I would choose breasts.

FourUms

Joined: 3/17/2009

Msg: 33 (view)

does the first meet count as the first date? Posted: 5/12/2009 9:42:00 PM
a) We have traded multiple e-mail messages, and gotten to know each other a bit, before the possibility of a meeting has even come up. b) We then move on to IM (optional). c) We then move on to at least one (or better, more) telephone conversations (not optional). d) Somewhere (in a through d), we mutually agree to meet up at a pubic place (cafe, restaurant, concert, whatever) at an agreed upon date and time - and THAT is our first physical meeting Wow that's a lot of hoops, especially if they're requirements. How long does that take? I'll admit I've followed the same progression, myself, at times. I prefer to not be so rigid, however. I have exchanged a couple emails and said, let's do this thing. I have met someone the same day. I once almost met someone without a phone call, but she called me on the way. Why limit yourself? and I ask you, how could such a resulting meeting NOT be universally construed as a "date"? Because you're strangers until you've met, IMO. I can't see how it can be a date unless there is a romantic intention. I can't see how there can be a romantic intention until we've met. I also think that referring to the first meeting as just that helps to moderate the level of expectation and reduce the potential for jitters and awkwardness. Of course it's just semantics, but words are powerful. Insisting upon calling it a date makes me think there's some kind of agenda, again IMO. Whether that agenda is counting dates to reach some magic number according to a "rule" as to when to expect a kiss or sex, or just the ability to tell one's friends one had a "date", or something else entirely - I couldn't say.

FourUms

Joined: 3/17/2009

Msg: 17 (view)

what should i do with myself???? Posted: 5/12/2009 6:38:55 PM
I'm not usually much of a forum cop, OP, but I wonder if you might be doing some billboarding/bragging here. You're clearly not so into the girl you really dig, or I don't think you'd list yourself as single and looking for dating on a dating site. Maybe you thought it would be a good idea to broadcast that you have the means, ability and desire to travel. What exactly does this have to do with "Sex and Sexuality", by the way? I think you may have been better served by posting in the over 30 forum, since your age seems to figure into it in your mind. OT: If I were in your position, I'd go and travel without consulting the unwashed masses. It seems to be important to you, and you may not have a chance later, whereas after you've traveled you can settle down and have a family. That does bring up another question though... You signify that you do have children. Are these the kids to whom you refer? If that's the case, I take it back - I would stick around and be a responsible father.

FourUms

Joined: 3/17/2009

Msg: 28 (view)

Do we choose our relationship pains and sorrows? Posted: 5/11/2009 5:34:05 PM
It sounds like a whole lot of solipsism. Of course we choose how we react and the kind of light under which we view our circumstances. I don't believe we can change an extant reality with our thoughts, however. I do see a lot of willful ignorance in the world - happy idiots. I have even wondered if I would lead a happier, more fulfilling life if I could put on some kind of mental blinders. Then I realize I'd much rather be rooted in reality and take my pleasure from overcoming challenges instead of ignoring them or pretending they are something they are not.

FourUms

Joined: 3/17/2009

Msg: 3177 (view)

GUYS!!! If you met the right woman, could you wait for the sex till marriage? Posted: 5/11/2009 5:12:44 PM
Nope, I'm not waiting around. There's no way I'd get married without having had sex. Actually, the fact that she would be willing to wait tells me enough about her opinion of sexuality that I know we wouldn't be compatible. I want a woman who's passionate, sensual and as interested in sharing that with her partner as I am. If she wants to wait for any particular milestone, be it marriage or the six month mark, that tells me that she views sex as some kind of "reward". That's an attitude I can't abide. Also, what if you went on a first date and the girl tells you she's waiting for marraige, how would you react? Not ever call her again? Or maybe stick around? I would honestly hope that if she held such a draconian belief about sex that she would have let me know before a first date so neither one of us had to waste our time. I wouldn't cut all contact with her or not explain myself, but I would clearly end any possibility of a romantic relationship immediately.

FourUms

Joined: 3/17/2009

Msg: 122 (view)

privacy within a relationship Posted: 5/11/2009 2:01:22 PM
I could not be in a serious relationship if I could not trust. Without a deep level of trust there is no foundation for a real and authentic partnership to be built. Interesting. What form does that trust take and how soon? Do you trust your partner to the extent that there is no such thing as personal privacy? Or, do you trust that your partner will not violate your personal privacy?

FourUms

Joined: 3/17/2009

Msg: 120 (view)

privacy within a relationship Posted: 5/11/2009 12:54:40 PM
Hell, I dont know, but if I'm in a relationship with someone, I'd consider it ``our shit'' and I really wouldn't care why she wanted to dig through it. Abelian, correct me if I'm wrong, but haven't you stated in other threads that you have an expectation with the first date of a commitment to exclusivity? It that the point at which the "relationship" begins? Is it immediately ok for her to dig through all your stuff right off the bat? Is that when you give her the key? What I'm trying to say is that privacy is a boundary. When and how much it's crossed should be a matter of agreement. Just because someone has access, I don't consider that an automatic granting of permission. In some cases, it's not even about my own privacy, but the privacy of others. Should a girlfriend automatically be given the names, addresses and phone numbers of all my friends, family and past relationships? How about the things those people have written me or given me in confidence? I am a journaller, almost daily, and although I have nothing to hide, what goes into that journal is my own private musings and thoughts. If someone were to read it, they would read it all out of context, as the only one who can put it into context is me. Exactly. If someone reads something out of context or discovers some "evidence" of some perceived wrongdoing while snooping, they know they were wrong to break your trust and will often not mention it - but instead form their own opinions based on too little information. If they had only asked to be shown or waited for it to be revealed voluntarily, there would be no issue and no breaking of trust. Again, it's about boundaries and the agreement to cross them - mutually.

FourUms

Joined: 3/17/2009

Msg: 109 (view)

privacy within a relationship Posted: 5/11/2009 12:39:54 AM
Abelian, I usually agree with a lot of what you say, but this is clearly a point on which we don't agree. Personally, I think that's bogus reasoning. Why? Why would you care if she looked through your cell phone (or your computer emails or anything else)? Because those things are mine, and there had been no reason for her to believe that they were open to her. I didn't feel any right to look through her bank statements or her kid's report cards. Should I have? If you didn't care about hiding stuff from her, the issue would have never come up. Having to ask for it implies you are going to make a big deal about it. No, it implies I want to know what she's seeing and perhaps why... or at least know that if she questions something that I can answer that question. If it was no big deal why did you care more than if she were to open a magazine and read it? Because to the best of my knowledge, no magazine contains any personal information about me. Non sequitur. I can't believe the kinds of problems people create just for the sake of a power struggle. Neither can I. Why in hell would anyone start digging into someone else's personal shit without permission to do so?

FourUms

Joined: 3/17/2009

Msg: 81 (view)

triumphing despite the odds...would the means affect you having a relationship? Posted: 5/10/2009 10:18:15 PM
When I first read this, I thought, Wow, I wish there was such an easy way out for guys. Then when I tried to draw a parallel, I thought maybe there was. Suppose it's the guy left destitute with responsibility for a couple kids. He decides to become a stripper. Of course he's not Chippendales material, so he ends up doing it for the lumpy old lady and gay guy circuit. There's not really any money in it on it's face, so he needs to do some side jobs (hand and blow) to make ends meet. Do the ladies see this as a success story? He's got a house and car and his kids have a great nest egg. The guy, on the other hand, has been with more men than you. He didn't want to do it, but it was a quick fix. Are you cool with that?

FourUms

Joined: 3/17/2009

Msg: 107 (view)

privacy within a relationship Posted: 5/10/2009 9:53:51 PM
Is there an expectation of personal privacy in a relationship or should one be willing forfeit ones privacy entirely in order to committ completely to the relationship? I believe there is always some level of privacy. I also believe that the level of privacy should be clearly established and never taken for granted. Don't assume that because someone's phone is laying there that you have a right to look through it. Don't assume that because someone's computer is turned on (or not) that you are free to rifle through all the files and emails. I was in a relationship for several months, maybe around six, when I found out my girlfriend had been going through my cell phone. She hadn't asked. She lied about it when I questioned her - which told me she knew it was wrong, but did it anyway. If she would have asked, I would have gladly handed her my phone and let her do whatever she wanted with it. The fact that she lacked that trust basically ended our relationship. I have always liked to express my thoughts in writing. Over my whole life I've periodically kept what one might call a journal in one form or another. Years ago, I would scribble in a notebook. More recently, I've written in text documents on the computer. Right now, these forums are perhaps filling that need in me. I have often chosen to reveal some of that writing to a significant other at a time and place of my choosing. If I discovered that someone had been reading that stuff without my knowledge, it would be a complete violation of my privacy. As with 90% of the questions on these forums, it comes down to communication. Talk about it with your partner. Set your boundaries and expectations.

FourUms

Joined: 3/17/2009

Msg: 42 (view)

Pressing the Easy button Posted: 5/10/2009 9:12:15 PM
If anything, I need to find that damn button and whack it more often. As I've gotten older, I think I've pushed all my selectivity upfront in relationships. Once it actually turns into a relationship, I tend to try to work at it. I need a better gauge of when to call it quits.

FourUms

Joined: 3/17/2009

Msg: 18 (view)

Friendships Posted: 5/10/2009 9:02:33 PM
I don't contact people much anymore. If I do it's mostly because of something written in the forums. When it's not about the forums, there has to be something really striking. I particularly avoid contacting anyone local who I wouldn't be interested in romantically. What's the point? I suppose she could have a friend she'd like to set me up with, but that seems like a rude thing to ask. A daughter? That's probably worse, though I did once have a woman I worked with successfully set me up with her daughter. That can get awkward, and I wouldn't recommend it. I digress. I suppose you could call forum people friends, but if I'm not actually going out and doing things with them, it's more like pen-pals. The only people I'm really interested in meeting in-person are those to whom I'm attracted romantically.

FourUms

Joined: 3/17/2009

Msg: 16 (view)

LDR's - For guys, are they just booty calls? Posted: 5/9/2009 4:21:20 PM
I don't know about the booty call aspect. It seems like it would take more interest than one would maintain for a booty call. I suppose it depends on the circumstances, though. I seem to remember someone on here writing about being in a LDR with someone who had family nearby whom they visited regularly. I could see that being nothing more than a booty call. The person could have a regular life - even a spouse or SO - at home, then just stop in for sex when they're in town. The same goes for people who travel for work. For me, I don't think there's a chance of a LDR working if there isn't some plan, or at least possibility, of coming together. My own personal timeline would be in the two year range. I would also need real, physical contact during that time - a minimum of once a month, but preferably more.

FourUms

Joined: 3/17/2009

Msg: 11 (view)

Women- does the Mirror Affect work for you in dating? Posted: 5/8/2009 12:42:04 PM
These "rules" are as much crap as any other set. Why don't you try: If you want to call him, call him... If you want to text him, text him. If you want to make plans with him, make plans with him. If you love him, tell him you love him. On the flip side, it also means that: If he doesn’t call you, but you want to call him, call him. If he doesn’t text you, but you want to text him, text him. If he doesn’t make plans with you, but you want to make plans with him, make plans with him. If he doesn’t tell you he loves you, but you love him, tell him anyway. Maybe he'll tell you back! How about that? Be yourself. If it's what he wants, it's what he wants. If you're not what he wants, no amount of game playing or sticking to some set of rules will change that.

FourUms

Joined: 3/17/2009

Msg: 7 (view)

Style Posted: 5/7/2009 11:32:42 PM
If you're talking about style, as in clothing, personally I don't mind some advice. I can go shopping with a woman and let her pick out some stuff for me, if it's not outrageous. I've had women buy me clothes too. Maybe that's weird. I'm a guy, I don't know style. If you're talking about a character trait of something physical, as the others have said - you're not going to change him.

FourUms

Joined: 3/17/2009

Msg: 50 (view)

Difference between a slut and a stud?? Posted: 5/7/2009 11:21:48 PM
Interesting. I never thought of it this way before: I think it comes down to the difficulty factor. Do you know how charming and disarming a guy has to be to be considered a stud, due to his large number of conquests? Not to mention the reputation he has to build as a good lover to compliment his interpersonal skills. It's not easy being a pimp. A slut, on the other hand, just has to say "yes"... A lot. It's easy. That's some food for thought.

FourUms

Joined: 3/17/2009

Msg: 26 (view)

Woman changes sex rules out of the blue. Posted: 5/7/2009 7:25:02 PM
Ok, OP, I think you have a few issues here. This may sound harsh, but you have a lot of things you need to work out, yourself. You're not picking up on the most basic dating clues. Being friends means it's over. You never had sex. She put a condition on having sex, which I'm now thinking she never intended to let happen - hence why she broke up with you before the two months were up. Kissing is the be-all and end-all of a relationship with a girlfriend in eighth grade. From high school and beyond, it tends to be a little more physical. Right now she's treating you like a girlfriend whose hand she can hold and who she can kiss. But wait, now it sounds like she's not responding to you at all. That's another basic dating clue. When she stops returning calls and texts, she's completely done with you and hoping you'll go away. She probably had to go to this extreme because you didn't get it when she broke up with you. Then in this thread you spend at least two full posts berating yourself. You have to get that under control. If you don't have any self-confidence or self-esteem, no one is going to want to be around you. I'll be honest, part of me wants to f*** her now out of spite. Anger issues too? Are you going to rape her? She has made it abundantly clear she's not going to willingly have sex with you. Seriously, what is this about? but if she found me so physically attractive to begin with, that doesn't fade in a month She doesn't find YOU attractive. That can fade in an instant. Maybe it was the instant she understood you were the type of guy who would fück someone out of spite. Or perhaps she got an inkling that you wanted to make her into a "long term potential sex project". Then you talk about the kind of woman you like. Honestly, all your descriptions sound like you are looking for someone no other guys would be interested in - not because you have different preferences than most guy, but because you're afraid other guys might look at her. Wow, does that show a profound lack of confidence! How do you think that would make a woman feel, knowing you want her because no one else is likely to notice her? To top it all off you admit, "I was hoping to meet girls by pretending to be something I'm not." Take some time to figure out who you are and what you really want. Find some real world friends (not this woman, she's done). Hang out with them. Hopefully in groups with some couples included. You can get an idea of how couples act normally. If you're friends with one half, you can also get an idea of whether they are healthy couples or not. I don't usually recommend it, but you might want to consider professional help. There's something very, very wrong here.

FourUms

Joined: 3/17/2009

Msg: 2 (view)

Woman changes sex rules out of the blue. Posted: 5/7/2009 3:16:19 PM
I don't see where she's changing the rules or playing games. She broke up with you. That's what let's just be friends means. Why do you think it means, "I need space," which is still a break up 90% of the time? As far as the waiting two months goes, any kind of rule like that always throws up flags for me - they may not be red, but orange maybe. That's a game right off the bat. You're being made to wait, possibly both of you, for something that should be allowed to happen naturally, organically, in a relationship. If you push her, it's your fault for not respecting her rule. If she changes her mind, and wants sex early, it's still your fault for not respecting her rule. What I hate most about a situation like that is it's a surefire way to get put in the "friends zone". Oh, you know that.

FourUms

Joined: 3/17/2009

Msg: 3 (view)

Response Time Posted: 5/7/2009 1:30:41 PM
I'm sure some do, because they think there's some sort of "rule" about building anticipation or seeming too needy. Personally, I answer when I can. However, I often just do a hit and run on this site. In those cases, I'll read any mail I've got, but wait to respond until I have time to do it properly. I can just about never leave a mail unread... I like opening presents.

FourUms

Joined: 3/17/2009

Msg: 7 (view)

Too friendly with his ex? Posted: 5/7/2009 1:27:14 PM
It sounds a little odd to me, but not like anything to worry about. The only reason I say "odd" is that it's unusual. The most unusual part may be that his ex's new hubby is comfortable with him being around all the time. As long as he's not spending too much time alone with her, it's probably fine.

FourUms

Joined: 3/17/2009

Msg: 41 (view)

swallowing to end sex Posted: 5/7/2009 1:21:13 PM
My thought is that I kinda like that too. However, I don't find anything weird about it. Some women enjoy sex. They enjoy giving oral. They enjoy the fruit of their labor. Enjoy, don't question.

FourUms

Joined: 3/17/2009

Msg: 9 (view)

is it okay to take $$ from a guy when it's offered 'cause he wants to help me? Posted: 5/6/2009 9:24:55 PM
You're not interested in him as a potential partner in the rest of your life, right? Then the answer is a resounding NO. It may be wrong, and he may say he expects nothing, but if you start taking money from him, not only are you giving him the impression that you want to be with him, but you are also allowing yourself to become dependent on him. Don't do it. I think it's even a bad idea if you think he is Mr. Right. If he's not, you're really asking for a load of trouble.

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