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serenitycw

Joined: 1/21/2006

Msg: 45 (view)

Commitment, a unique or generalized pledge? Posted: 11/21/2009 11:20:41 PM
i saw this thread a few days ago, but was in a rush, so made a mental note to come back to it. it's a very good question. there is a difference between ltr, monogamy and "commitment". i know, by experience with a commitmentphobe. being a romantic, i always "assumed" commitment. with life, i learned even the best of intentions do not always "win". for starters, we all bring different issues to the table. for one, i now rule out any one who declares self "unable" to commit. i cannot change anyone but myself with respect to this issue. second, it takes two to "long for" a committed long term partnership. some long, but carry their fears or past pains. so, i guess the question is are they willing to consider commitment and what exactly are the "issues". if the facts can be addressed, but the concerns are still emotionally based, is the person able to be "willing to be willing"? this is a twelve step concept that packs a lot of power to it. there are no guarantees and yes, we are all frail in some way. but is a person willing to put in the effort and take the time to make something work? is that worth anything to him or to her? at that point, if it's a go from both ends, the dance begins. do you flow? if one steps on the others toe by accident, how will it be handled? if the music stops, will the dance ever resume? do you get the beat of the other person's personal tune? are you really dance "partners"? to me, all of life is a dance. the music varies. sometimes it's somber, sometimes uplifting, sometimes carefree. but, are you willing to do the dance? i've been discussing this seriously with someone to get the intent very clear in both of our minds and actions. if/when both are willing to be willing, we can then see what happens and take the next step, which is willing to commit more confidently. it's a day by day thing, but there is no phobia attached. instead, it' s more of a happiness that you are both trying and trying together. from there on, the details will vary with the two people and the timing of it all. for me, monogamy is essential--but it is not enough. on the other hand, there are no guarantees, only "intention".

serenitycw

Joined: 1/21/2006

Msg: 88 (view)

People, why against the rocking chair on the porch? Posted: 11/21/2009 10:56:33 PM
i think there's a wide difference between a couch potato and a person who likes a rocking chair! for me, having had lymes, i cannot be active like i used to be. but that started in my late 40's, so i'm used to having my brain several miles ahead of my body. here in CA, all my friends do heavy duty hiking. i do my best and wish i could keep up with them for the more aggressive hikes, mainly for the views i am missing. but, they all hang out with me afterwards, and so it hasn't affected me socially per se. the man i am now dating (again) is an active sailor and wish i could do that as well. but, there are things i can do that others can't--so, se la vie! living on the creek, it's wonderful to sit, be it on the rocker or the chaise or on one of the big bolders beyond the fence. it calms me, as does a walk along the ocean. i have two old wickers from my childhood, about to be restored for outside. inside a big old morris rocker from my childhood and one even more comfortable that my parents bought when they got married. all have been reupholstered several times in my possession. then i bought a smaller one, kind of victorian looking. not sure who to give them to as i downsize. all have so many memories. i don't think my kids are old enough to cherish them, as i have done. i think if you do not have a disablity, you can do both. but, OP, we both do. so, we get to be on the receiving end! i stopped hosting meetups for awhile to get some of my personal stuff in order. but, whether it's indie films or playing board games, i find most of the people in my life do appreciate a good rocker and cozy home with food on the table. my friends are in their 40's and up, so many are far from thinking their lives are over.

serenitycw

Joined: 1/21/2006

Msg: 70 (view)

How much do we tolerated before calling it quits ???? Posted: 11/19/2009 12:58:35 PM
get counseling for yourself, PROCESS versus tolerate. this is a step by step understanding of a final decision. unless, s/he is dangerous. then it is one swift goodbye and process later on. if both involved want counseling, that's fine as long as it's a win-win. this is not about ultimatums or threats. it's about two adult decisions for which each one is responsible for his/her own. if it doesn't change, i do think you need to bring closure to your "own" partaking in such a relationship, so there is no "looking back", let alone repeating the same thing. you need to be strong in your own right and love "yourself". personally, my life remaining on this planet is way too short to be wasting it. i do learn and i do my best in terms of my own behavior. i communicate, compromise and take turns when appropriate. i don't tolerate active chemical dependency or dysfunctional behaviour, although i do come across it quite a bit. i therefore "assess" and do what i have to do to move forward. i'm also not afraid of feeling my own pain, my losses and at times loneliness. i have slowly but surely redeveloped networks with new friends and neighbors, each time i have moved. i have dated more at this age, than when i was much younger. don't particularly like dating, but am willing to do the work to find the right "fit". there are some really great men out there and some really great women. but, we have to be together enough in and of ourselves-- and take educated risks to get to meet each other. we all have burdens, but can do w/o the baggage..... and speaking of "drama", that is not reserved for women. i am not much into drama either with the men in my life. if you are on here to get even with your man, i 'd suggest you stop all that and face your problems squarely. get to know and improve yourself before you enter the "dating" world. because in your current position, you will just attract more of "the same".

serenitycw

Joined: 1/21/2006

Msg: 68 (view)

I have zero experience with older men. Posted: 11/18/2009 5:26:10 PM
mnbxcqd: i don't think it's the same thing. he takes all day to get to the end, versus he used to "get to the end" many times a day. not sure how else to word it, so using the "end" as a descriptor. like the fellow above says, his end is in one hour. OP's man sounds like a natural tantra! 'nuff said. concerto: you 've hit it right on the nail. i continue to say there is "strength in vulnerability". being vulnerable is very different from being needy, let alone covering it up with denial, anger, or "protesting too much"! it is a sharing of feelings between two people who "get it".

serenitycw

Joined: 1/21/2006

Msg: 78 (view)

Second (or Third or. . . ) Time Around Posted: 11/17/2009 7:47:14 PM
justjim, re "fear of being alone": when i feel like that i call friends or go out with same. i surround myself with good people. in fact, one of those may just become "the one". it's a matter of timing and real life interface and fit. however, if i do find "the one" going past just the friendship, the friendship part will also have to develop. which comes first is irrelevant, as long as it's there. i have always had high standards for my friends and they were not "superficial" standards either. in the past, i think i made too many excuses for my failed partnerships. but, i learned. each lesson was different. over time, we get to the core of the positive things we have experienced and apply that to what we "also" seek in a romantic partnership. many who are not alone are lonely. can't "fake" lonely.

serenitycw

Joined: 1/21/2006

Msg: 56 (view)

I have zero experience with older men. Posted: 11/17/2009 7:32:32 PM
interesting reactions here. OP, i think you made it clear you really like this guy and want to do the best by him. you ask a question and people jump down your throat. some have made it very clear that "most" older men are "more" satisfactory in bed BECAUSE they slow down, but those with the negativity even turn this around to suit their sour feelings and experiences to date. just ignore the negativity, take the positive and go with it. sounds like you have a good man here, the both of you like each other and neither one appears to be a "user". you both are getting nervous about making the other one comfortable and happy. my guess is if you keep with pof and the forums, it will soon be with a "not single/not looking". my best thoughts are with you and if anything, i use what i learn about negativity in real life AND on the forums and then make sure to stick with the "winners"--those who don't use people, don't abuse people, don't think the worst about people and "if" they've had a bad experience or two--they make sure to not to repeat those situations. as one of my good pof male e-buddies has said to me: we are each one of us, the ONE common denominator in all our experiences. they can be viewed as learning experiences OR they can be used to spew venom into the souls of others who do not even "think" in this negative manner. good luck! sounds to me like a really good guy!!!!

serenitycw

Joined: 1/21/2006

Msg: 30 (view)

I have zero experience with older men. Posted: 11/17/2009 11:25:27 AM
yes, i'm for real. read the "literature". it's not a secret. many in the medical field, describe perimenapausal increased sex drive in women as a biological last attempt to procreate (provided by "nature"). that is why so many are toying with young boys. the sex drive is that strong and it takes "discipline" to address it.

serenitycw

Joined: 1/21/2006

Msg: 28 (view)

I have zero experience with older men. Posted: 11/17/2009 11:19:11 AM
i think magic magic marco and m church have given you the best answer here, simple and easy to follow. sometimes us brainy people get locked up when a remark is made and we have no response. we try to figure out in our heads what our hearts are asking of us. if he has it between the ears, then it sounds like he's got you hooked and now you are feeling vulnerable and want to "do right" by him. OP, many of us who entered the dating world "later on", had no clue about the many issues pertaining to sexuality that would crop up. let's face it, when we were younger, most of the men had no clue about our bodies either! the good news, is that when a man does slow down, some of them begin to find out what "we" need--while doing some homework on themselves. in addition, women are in their sexual primes in the 40's, while many men are starting to have issues as they age--many of the same issues younger women experienced in their earlier years when the young men were at stud muffin stage. i guess Higher Power wanted at least one of the two involved to be better grounded than the other one! unfortunately, you will experience the individual angst of those who don't know you and who you don't know, in answering what "for some" is a sensitive question--GETTING OLDER!!! plus, your question is about a man who you don't know much about either (from the neck down). i also was married to someone a few years younger than myself and have never really dated anyone older than me, short of my first husband, who was five years older--but we divorced in our 30's. then, entering the dating world after my second "younger" husband, in my late 50's, i was suddenly confronted with "ED". he too was younger than me, but older than you! i had a friend once before that, who discussed it with a group of male and female collegues, seein' as how we were all in the health care field. his came from meds and back then, nothing he could do about it. we were all pretty supportive of him. but again, back east in ny/nj people were a lot more "open" about these issues. but, those were the days w/o viagra, et al. personally, i'd rather take it slow and sure, than have to deal with the "disconnect" so many women describe with viagra. but, i suppose i will deal with it, if it "crops up" (attempt at a joke). with respect to my own experience, if i had listened just to the man in question, and all his fears/doubts--it wouldn't have worked out. i think the same would apply to a younger woman with an "experienced " lover, when the situations were reversed. but, being curious i called a male therapist i knew, also older, who gave me an earful-- and also read a lot of the stuff on POF. since then, i've discussed the aging aspect of sexuality with many male and female friends. even our bodies change and for some of us, it's a bit disconerting, not "knowing" all this, that it would even "happen" and then what to do about it. i wish there was a book on sexuality and getting older for both men and women, kind of like the old "our bodies, ourselves" that was written for women in the 60's. in my personal situation, we followed the therapist's advice with the initial list of "don't do this or that" and it all pretty much worked out. but, i'm sure he'll have his angst with the next one. i think the most important thing is whether your man will be focusing on his own "delayed" needs versus taking yours into consideration and enjoying the "longer ride". from his comment, it sounds almost like he was giving you a "flirt". i mean, let's face it--women benefit from a man taking his time. also nowadays, the medical field is just begining to address "male hormone replacement". so, sounds like you didn't have an immediate response and felt out of control. yes, like it or not, around the 50's (plus or minus), more men will be slowing down. at age 60, if you date men younger than you in their 50's, it will be the same possiblity. for us, it's usually a good thing. if an issue that takes extra consideration, you will have to find out. when you love someone, you have to be willing to be out of control, not always have the right answer to make the situation right and also have to revisit "what happened" and be willing to bring it up again. it's the talk about "feelings". i am sure you will do fine.

serenitycw

Joined: 1/21/2006

Msg: 73 (view)

Second (or Third or. . . ) Time Around Posted: 11/16/2009 6:52:46 PM
well, maybe not the exact details, but the possiblities...such as that you are loveble, can succeed at difficult things, have accomplished something meaningful and maybe even had a good date from pof!!!! i mean how many here have plain given up when bad things happen to them, let alone one after the other!?* if i hadn't experienced certain successes in life, i might not be all this trusting or positive (which does not, btw, equate to naive or stupid just in case one might surmise!) it's the good stuff that has kept me going to find more of it and weed out the bad stuff. well, just a thought....

serenitycw

Joined: 1/21/2006

Msg: 49 (view)

How do you older women feel about a younger guy in a relationship Posted: 11/16/2009 6:42:24 PM
i've mentioned before that i got "hit on" by a CHILD in his late 20's while out dancing to my favorite band around here. he and his little bartender friend tried to tell me it's fashionable to be a cougar. i told him i was old enough to be his grand-cougar and if he were my kid, i'd beat his butt! i usually range about five years younger than my age. i've stretched it to ten, when i was younger. i met one guy age 50, where there was mutual attraction, but his eyes got wide when i told him my age. everyone is different. most of my platonic friends are in their 40's. but, i don't date them. fact is that, as you get older, the developmental aspects of what you share become more important--at least to me. when you are younger, you have more time to "grown into" each other and not notice the aging aspects as much. at 40, i might have considered a 50 yr. old, but at 61 i'm not particularly interested in a 71 year old. a special love is just that and i don't deny that possibility. but a special love is not brought and advertised on the forums. it's between the two people. well,i suppose you will now get contacted by a full range of horney women. my male e-buddies have more horror stories on pof, than my female e-buddies! so, good luck.

serenitycw

Joined: 1/21/2006

Msg: 71 (view)

Second (or Third or. . . ) Time Around Posted: 11/15/2009 3:18:48 PM
hmm. i posted on this topic twice in the past. just got a new thought. you pondered if we might be learning the wrong things from " failure". i was thinking just now, ENOUGH with the failure! wouldn't it be "lovely" to learn from a whole slew of successes? with the same person even? man oh man....

serenitycw

Joined: 1/21/2006

Msg: 36 (view)

Serendipity? Posted: 11/15/2009 12:17:02 AM
alas, nope. i tracked down my first boyfriend and said to myself "what was i thinking?!*" sure wish it was like you describe though!

serenitycw

Joined: 1/21/2006

Msg: 21 (view)

Having a younger child Posted: 11/15/2009 12:14:45 AM
if you scroll down the list of threads on the 45 forum, find: "starting a family age 50+". contact the person with the OP. a match made in heaven!

serenitycw

Joined: 1/21/2006

Msg: 15 (view)

Nose & Ear Hair Posted: 11/15/2009 12:11:20 AM
this thread is enough to give anyone nightmares!

serenitycw

Joined: 1/21/2006

Msg: 41 (view)

being ignored Posted: 11/14/2009 1:23:03 AM
you both need communication skills as to "how" to disagree. for starters, never use the words "you did this". only talk about "how you feel when____". if people are put on the defensive, some shut up, others ignore. often they cannot find the words to argue back. you have to negotiate from a position of "equality" and find midway solutions or take turns with your outcomes, if they involve a decision. chances are you both view the same situation very differently or have different preferences altogether. also stick to the topic at hand. we women see patterns and bring in more than most men can handle at once. build consensus with one thing at a time and slowly, over time, the results will generalize to the other things. also pick your disagreements wisely. as they say "would you rather be right or be happy?". if something bothers you that doesn't bother him, and it takes just a few minutes, you do it! eg putting the cap on the toothpaste is one of those fine examples. if you are hot and he is cold, one puts on a sweater, the other goes topless. if the latter is you, he will be very very happy, btw!

serenitycw

Joined: 1/21/2006

Msg: 830 (view)

Do women cook anymore?? Posted: 11/14/2009 1:14:35 AM
i cook, the men in my life have cooked, my kids cook (male and female). if someone is tending to one task, the other tends to the other task. personally, i like to cook "with" the man in my life. it's fun, we get to talk, to eat and to......

serenitycw

Joined: 1/21/2006

Msg: 52 (view)

independent women fall the hardest Posted: 11/14/2009 1:07:24 AM
i have always been independent and have held my "weight" in relationships. this was never a bad thing for me. didn't know anyone else thought it was a bad thing until reading some of these threads in pof! i think if you are engaged in a dysfunctional relationship, this is not a matter of independent unless you were attempting to be "controlling". these are two different words. you can be dependent and controlling as well! if you fell hard, it was because typically dysfuntional relationships rest upon a foundation of dysfunctional upbringings. the people repeat the same situations, trying to "fix" them, rather than walking out the door to alternative "functional" modes of behaviour. that being said, i fell hard in the past, because i "assumed" that people looked at things the way i did and had similar core values and codes of ethics. over time, i found out i was pretty naive in that area and was devastated. being an only child, i had no brothers to give me any advice and most of my male relationships were in my profession. i didn't get to see how they acted once they got home with their wives! now i have many pof brothers and i don't fall that hard. i just disengage when i stumble across angry men or playboys or men who addict to something that i am not. well, as i'm 61, independent or not, it takes time to figure out this very confusing dating scene. if you have an addictive personality, you may very well get distracted. i've been good lately at separating out, the dabblers versus the men who can be good friends or maybe even more that that! so, if i fall with one of these men, they are gonna be holding my hand and fall right along besides me.

serenitycw

Joined: 1/21/2006

Msg: 48 (view)

Childless men Posted: 11/14/2009 12:38:57 AM
as a fost/adopt mom i can ASSURE you that there is a crying need for adoptive dads. i know several, just like adoptive moms, who have done it alone. there are funds to assist. if that can't be done, the very LEAST that you can do is become a respite provider to a fost/adopt family or a big brother. i'm just one of those people who decides to "do something" about whatever it is that i decide to mourn for, on any particular day. you can also adopt international children via financial support and write them letters. i have three adopted kids of my own and three international kids i send support to. btw, sexual abuse towards boys is huge. so, go fill a gap and provide them with some hope. i wanted to adopt since i was five. married twice, the opportunity never presented itself til age 50. with my first i had thought of giving birth to one child and adopting the rest. but, as luck would have it, we got divorced before that could happen. by age 50, i had come down with lymes and realized that it was then or NEVER. my kids are 19-22 and i'm 61. i started at ages 10 1/2-13. so, go for it! you cannot undue an undelivered baby. you can help save one that is already alive. PS WANTASMART--MY KIDS ARE ""FAR"" FROM SOMEONE ELSE'S MISTAKE and GUESS WHAT, THEY ARE ALL PRETTY DAMN SMART THEMSELVES, AS WELL AS SURVIVORS!!!! GRRRRRR.......

serenitycw

Joined: 1/21/2006

Msg: 434 (view)

Are older men sometimes intimidated by older sexy women? Posted: 11/13/2009 1:51:55 PM
in the past 20 years, i've tended to date men a slighly bit younger, about five years. so, i have not personally experienced this. however, in talking to younger female friends in early to mid 40's, many of them prefer, but cannot find men their own age. the theory is that many are "still" married and not divorced "yet". thus, my friends have to search younger and older. some will go about ten years each way. when i was much younger, i dated a man ten years younger. i was in my mid 30's and just out of my first divorce. i realized fairly quickly that we were not at the same developmental stage, although we cared for each other emotionally. when i broke up with him, he found a girl five years younger. i think a lot of attraction has to do with the physical shape and mental attitude of the men and women in question. not about perfection, but about some of what nature implanted in our brains to enhance reproduction. although i usually don't date older men or if try, so far nothing has come of it, i did recently meet a man who was several years older, i am guessing, but a martial artist. the energy out of that man would be difficult to match for any younger man. interestingly, he hangs out with a crowd his age, but "very feisty". so, one never knows. maybe some men have passed me by due to my age in internet dating. a few have "balked" at my lyme disease due to "assuming" and not meeting me in person. some have even been drawn to my age and are younger. many of the ones who are too young, have had a screw loose or an intention that does not jive with my core values. in real life, however, i've not experienced this "intimidation" factor personally or at least to my knowledge. i've learned more negative things from the internet, than i've ever been exposed to, in my entire life. so, it's good to know these things, but i try not to let them get me down. i have been a professional my entire life and never had this power or money trip between men or women. the men in my life have ranged in education, job and money with no major issues regarding that. maybe 'cause i was born and raised in a "working class brooklyn neighborhood" that i tend to be attracted to "street smart". so, how the h-ll knows! if i get stuck into this kind of paradigm and add it to my worry list, i'd never want to leave my house. note: i just read the above that this had to do with sexual fears on the part of the man? oh geeze, another issue i'm supposed to worry about? a good man knows how to please a woman and many are doing way better than when they were younger and "selfish". just need to get some books in home depot in the "how to" section!!!!

serenitycw

Joined: 1/21/2006

Msg: 366 (view)

Love,Quality of life and who pays Posted: 11/12/2009 9:57:19 AM
the men i have dated have run the gamut. sometimes the ones with less money are more giving. i have female friends who are the same way. so, if a person is downright cheap, that is another story. i dated a guy recently for a few times who put a lot of money into himself-- even though he claimed to be broke. one time bought way more more wine for himself (that i did not agree to share), typically ate more --and then would ask me to split the bill! would even take food from my plate, but not offer anything he got. or better yet, would itemize if he worried that he spent less--after we'd eat dinner at my house! ate here a couple of times, but actually never offered to take me out and pay for it--except once when he also asked me to pay half after the offer! maybe i should have charged him for the ingredients that went into the meals at my place? it was not about doing my share, it was about his demonstrating he was self centered and cheap. with my ex, we'd over time, just take turns. neither really counted. in the beginning he did some courting and paid for a few nites out. i hardly broke his bank. the last guy in my life who i saw for a few months, had the least amount of money. but, when he came to dinner, he brought flowers, would save up to take me a nice place here or there and vice versa. he and i are now just friends and still do the same. so, it depends on "HOW" i am treated, as opposed to how much money the man has. i am not into supporting him overall, nor vice versa. also, some people can contribute with "labor" if they settle into a couple. many of the guys i know are into construction. i pay a lot for handymen, etc. so, if i were living with a man like that and he made less, i would also be spending less for help with house related bills. however, to sit and count every penny or to the other extreme, feel that the person i am dating is cheap or self centered, runs the gamut of what i call "not working" or unable to pay one's bills. same for any friend. unless the person is a charity case and then i'd doubt s/he has time for anything but to "get better". i have helped a few people like that here and there, but they were not looking for a "relationship", just truly surviving.

serenitycw

Joined: 1/21/2006

Msg: 45 (view)

Tolerance with age? Posted: 11/12/2009 3:05:50 AM
i am now going to be intolerant of people who wake me up at one am with their problems and keep me up to 3 am in the morning. from here on in, it's "tough love". well, it's 6 am back east, but by now the three hours difference should be a given. so, before i go to bed, i'm posting to get me into la la land. for the most part, aside from tonite, i'm intolerant of narcissists, bullshit artists (you will excuse my brooklynese) and players who use people. the rest, i can HANDLE or even tolerate (as needed). lately my resources, attention, time, et al are reserved for those who both take and "give". sounds a little tough, but i believe i've earned that right "big time". so, i suppose i am less tolerant in one way, in that i don't give endlessly any more, but more tolerant in that i don't let people bother me as much. i just keep moving in search of purer souls. but, with that spiritual perspective (for want of a better label), a down to earth and raucous sense of humor ain't all that bad.

serenitycw

Joined: 1/21/2006

Msg: 10 (view)

Signs of interest? Or stringing me along? Posted: 11/12/2009 12:14:34 AM
she invited you to meet her parents. that's a biggie. you can take it slow and still be monagamous. i think you should ask her. first figure out where you are at with all this as well. have you both been tested for std's and herpes? condoms are not sufficient for herpes and many carriers do not know they have it. if you continue, at least you both do it willingly and with sufficient info. i would insist on that and if not monogamous, i'd take a long think about the situation. both of you. that's part of the friendship.

serenitycw

Joined: 1/21/2006

Msg: 43 (view)

I'm a 58 year old guy with young kids (Where is the POF/AARP/K-8 Forum?) Where do I fish? Posted: 11/12/2009 12:08:26 AM
well OP, if it's too much info to explain the status of your divorce and you work two jobs, the week in between, maybe you should not focus on age so much and find a woman who is into alternate week quickies. you are sounding irrational. you're not finding a mate or even a date, has to do with the reality of your situation. you accepted the private school and have set a precedent. depending upon how your state operates, you may or may not be able to back out of that precedent, work one job, get your wife off her butt to work an equal job, get your kids into that good public school and meet other parents via parents w/o partners. i'd say, however, you had better not be too choosey about what school their kids are in or what age they are. then when you see who bites, you can do your end of the weeding. like it or not, N2M is often right!!!!

serenitycw

Joined: 1/21/2006

Msg: 14 (view)

I'm a 58 year old guy with young kids (Where is the POF/AARP/K-8 Forum?) Where do I fish? Posted: 11/11/2009 5:37:16 PM
i think first you need to get divorced or if your papers are already filed and just waiting, you need to explain that on your profile. occasionally kids have been an issue for me, but not all that much. mine were ages 10-13 at age 52. we had started the adoption process at age 50. it depends on the kids and your availablity. i'd check out parents w/o partners and groups attached to the school's extra curricular activities. everyone has "something". if you are new at this, i'd suggest getting into a routine first with your kids. some have parties with single parents. most of my friends are younger than me. so what? they may have friends and relatives to fix you up with. just expand your contacts. try the gym, also meetup dot com. i'd deemphasize your kids as the main part of who you are. but,that's me. i figure once someone gets to know me in person, my animal magnetism will keep a hold on him--despite it "ALL"! lololol: N2M. you are an MF? i know what that means in brooklyn. is that what "you" mean? bad bad boy!

serenitycw

Joined: 1/21/2006

Msg: 68 (view)

Guys, how long can you do this?? Posted: 11/10/2009 10:57:19 PM
ditto m church. but if that is the goal, for some it's the achieving of that goal taking too much time, that gets them to become frustrated, to settle or to dabble with another's feelings. this is not just the woman, men get hurt too. especially when they think their sexual relationship is good and the woman feels unfulfilled. a wise and mature man knows the difference. i want me one of those.

serenitycw

Joined: 1/21/2006

Msg: 80 (view)

If you were to marry again, would it HAVE to be with your children's blessing? Posted: 11/10/2009 9:44:35 PM
i suppose this would be a bit problematic with young kids at home. my kids thought it was hilarious that i was dating. that was after the first reaction of "ewwwww". whether married or not, if i found the "right man" they would be happy for me no matter what way we worked it out. they want someone to treat me nicely. they haven't seen that much to date w/o reservations. they didn't always see that before when married either. it would give them a lot of hope. plus, they wouldn't have to call as much as i expect them to. it would probably take a burden off them. i don't think they think of things like money or inheritance. they are all pretty self sufficient. many older kids resent it when their parent's assets are threatened. my mom came home with a hickey near age 70. it took more to explain to aunt mildred than me. she told her it was a "rash". maybe she passed the attitude down to me. assuming your mate is a good one, any child that objects is just plain selfish. unless that is what you did to your parents and passed the attitude down.

serenitycw

Joined: 1/21/2006

Msg: 69 (view)

What do you make of this? Is this BPD? Posted: 11/9/2009 8:48:36 PM
it doesn't matter what "he" has. so much easier to work on his problems than your own. a bit codependent? quite a bit? figure out who YOU are , what you are worth, what are your "boundaries". when they get crossed, move on along. only person who you can obtain an adequate diagnosis for, is you. go get tested. that is why they have licensed professionals. don't waste your entire life on these sort of catch me if you can games. he can be anywheres in the range from not into you or introvert to an ax murderer. don't go far enough to find out. clearly you are not "in sync". thank the universe for this information and move on. ps codependent is not a put down. if you read up on it, it might save your life! the goal is interdependent, not codependent. i've been there myself when i was younger. it gets way too confused when we are vulnerable and lonely.

serenitycw

Joined: 1/21/2006

Msg: 29 (view)

On the Cusp! Posted: 11/9/2009 7:53:50 PM
i worried when i turned 50. now i am thinking of not bragging about my age until the deal is cinched. but, i am terrible at not answering a direct question. plus, i like the diner discounts. all i can say to you younger 'uns, is to work on yourself and not focus on the demographics. some people at 45 look and behave like someone ready for the grave. others, who are older, are filled with life. i do think everyone has a chance to rework themselves. as to the cusp, i'm between libra and scorpio--balance and passion! go figure. HP (Higher Power) has a sense of humor and has demonstrated it by creating me. did the career thing first. then i became a mom just past age 50 and started dating at age 58. duh.....

serenitycw

Joined: 1/21/2006

Msg: 87 (view)

Friend vs. Lover? Posted: 11/9/2009 7:18:07 PM
free at last: mazol tov! catsmeoww, i'll send you my private reply re the "nose". NToM, well i'm jewish, but raised in an irish catholic neighborhood in brooklyn. so i googled a bit for ya. a mensch is a person having admirable characteristics, such as fortitude and firmness of purpose: "He radiates the kind of fundamental decency...(James Atlas). as mentioned before, i agree that it is more than just a question of friend or lover. so, according to the yiddish-yinglish dictionary of fools, here are some additional things one must consider : “Legend has it that Eskimos (Inuit) have hundreds of words to describe snow. We Jews have hundreds of words for "pains in the neck." attributed to author marnie winston-macauley (who really does not "sound" jewish at all, i might add), these are the things one does not want to be, in order to even qualify as friend and/or lover and would be the opposite of mensch, keeping in mind that neither sex is spared here and although pegged, all could probably apply to both: Bulvan: An ox, with no class. He'll move your house on his back – without asking. Chaim Yankel: A mister nobody. His favorite color is beige. Chaleria: A shrew. If her pastrami's fatty, she'll make a federal case. Chazzer: A pig: He'll take home the cheap wine he brought you for Passover. Draycup: She's the one to not only forgot her address, she's in the wrong city. Eingeshparht: He's got a head like a rock. Gantseh Makher: He made a few bucks selling whoopie cushions, so suddenly he's Trump. (Synonym: K'nocker) Gonif: Unscrupulous, a thief. His partner's sent out an APB. Grubber yung: Crude. A big mouth who has dirt (from grabbing) under his fingernails. Klutz: Clumsy. She falls over her own sneakers– fastened with Velco. Kvetch: A whiner. The food's salty, the place is chilly, eating out –who needs it? Luftmensch: A dreamer – who never wakes up. He could paint a masterpiece, if only he had an easel – and knew how. Meshugener: A loony. Whether he thinks his underwear is after him or barrels over Niagra Falls, he's one letter short of an M&M. Moishe Kapoyr: Today he'd be called "oppositional." The family votes to hold the reunion in Vegas. He votes for Vilna. Nar: He left his law practice to become a clown. Nayfish: A doormat. When he's robbed, he apologizes for being short on cash. Nebekh: A hapless unfortunate. He gets stepped on by accident a lot. Nuchshlepper: A hanger-on. She shleps the 200 pound camping gear for the group. Nudnik: A persistent bore. She doesn't stop with the talking, the asking, the annoying till you want to staple her lips together. Nudzh: A pesty badgerer. She tells you twelve times to check the locks. Unlike the nudnik, with whom it could be an occasional occurrence. Ongeblussen: A self-involved blowhard. If his last name is Moses, he thinks the Bible gave him a mention. Oysvorf: Unpopular outcast. Think David Duke at a Hadassah meeting. Paskudnyak: A revolting, corrupt person. For him, there would be a very short funeral. Shikker: A drunk. She has a little chaser with her Cheerios. Shlemiel: A pathetic, clumsy loser. He drives over – through your living room. Shlimazel: An unlucky loser. He's the one the shlemiel was visiting. Shlump: Unkempt, saggy. She shleps, stooped, with her hair in strings. Shmeggege: An idiotic doofus. Short of a "meshuganah," he's sure he'll make a killing with his musical toilet seat ... and acts like a makher about it. Shmendrik: Nincompoop. A fraternal twin to a shlemiel, he's thinner and weaker. Shnook: A likeable patsy. You could sell him a time-share in Area 51, and he'll pay top dollar – for vacationing on an historical site. Shnorror: A beggar. He's forever borrowing, taking advantage. Bad for a potluck party. Trombenik: A lazy braggart. Not only does he blow his own horn, he doesn't own one. Yuchna: A loud-mouthed, boorish female. In Loehmann's dressing room she'll yell "It would fit if you lost a few pounds!" Yutz: Socially inept. He takes you to a restaurant with a clown face and spends the evening discussing his train collection. Zshlub: Lazy slob. He shows up with schmutz on his untucked shirt. well, my favorites are the draycup and the zshlub-- no friends, no benefits, nada! namaste, scw

serenitycw

Joined: 1/21/2006

Msg: 74 (view)

Friend vs. Lover? Posted: 11/9/2009 1:47:51 PM
NTM, you are a gentleman and a scholar, but more important than that: you are a MENCH! blueeyesrsmiling, your post made my day! the catsmeow, i knew you had a good one once. we just have to find "you" a good groomer and with a beret! all this gives me hope. as to sexuality, friendship, et al: to each his/her own. for me, i went past the sexual/friendship/monogamy trinity--still didn't hit the write note. when someone is fear based, asumes/expects the worst from you, that is what s/he will perceive s/he is getting. however, it makes the non-deliverer of this emotion feel like sh-t and somewhat like alice in wonderland. or perhaps, better still, the mad hatter! depth of emotion? yes that is pretty much on target. what prevents this from manifesting? my observations: living fear based, living immediate gratification based, viewing love as a feeling and no "doing" of love, having so little EQ left or for some, maybe none at all. why? childhood issues mostly and no ability, willing to be willing, belief system, etc. so, the beat goes on...... ps right on cloudridden below me. there are no guarantees, but we can all think with both heads and not "just" the little one. by the way, we have a little one too. men seem to forget that!

serenitycw

Joined: 1/21/2006

Msg: 596 (view)

Men over 45 and facial hair Posted: 11/8/2009 8:24:15 PM
hmmm, i think an even more important question is why do so many women over 45 have mustaches!

serenitycw

Joined: 1/21/2006

Msg: 99 (view)

how to slow the pace to make it real Posted: 11/8/2009 8:04:17 PM
sans what is a lania? you got me worried-- as i thought the n in that word might be a b. ouch!

serenitycw

Joined: 1/21/2006

Msg: 54 (view)

Guys, how long can you do this?? Posted: 11/8/2009 7:44:53 PM
OP, i see many women who are like the men you describe and then there are the men, with deeper feelings. this world is becoming very stressful, people are walking wounded. i have kids of both sexes. they start out yearning..... i've always said that mc donald's type relationships are just that. get a lot of bang for your buck. me? i prefer fine dining. it's hard to find a serious man OR woman who not only wants both, but is together enough to do the "work". now, for me, work was always enjoyable. for some, it is not. or, they don't have the relationship/communicatino skills. then there is also passion. some people have none. not sure why, but they just don't. no passion for sex, for work, for service, for learning. just SQUAT. so, take your pick.

serenitycw

Joined: 1/21/2006

Msg: 89 (view)

how to slow the pace to make it real Posted: 11/7/2009 10:01:13 AM
almost elvis, in my recent relationship of just a few months with a widower (who i realized, was really still in mourning), for a while there we had a thing going which he called "checking in". it was one of the many things which enamoured me to him. it was when he stopped checking in and emotionally started checking out, that i decided to put a whoa on it. he wanted to be ready, but he just wasn't. nonetheless, i took the risk and am not sorry for it. we still are friends. i've tried a similar checking in with my latest possibility. either it was ignored, forgotten, et al. he heard me, but he did not listen. he was wanting it all and right away. at one point there was a brief temper tantrum. there it was explained that he was tired of looking and meeting women who dated around for months and just wanted to "go out" for coffee, et al with many men. i explained that i was not one of these women, but it nonetheless took me some time to "commit". i am not a person of empty words. i understand now that he projected his "decision" onto me, that we were indeed a "go". he's done this before and still has not learned from it. it is this lack of reading me, that i found disconcerting. intellectually we did fine, until the ideas were to be "applied". there was also a lack of attentiveness with the "little things". that reinforced the "all about me" kind of feeling that i was getting. he'd promise/suggest things but with no followup, unless i almost demanded it. i am an attentive person and i like the same in return. i am a person who does not necessarily feel attraction immediately. i might feel that a person is good looking or charming, but that is not a sexual go for me right away. my sexuality travels up and down all the chakras or energy centers of my spine. for those who aren't into meditation or the chakras, the person needs some grounding and not be a control freak. he needs to have some heart. he needs to be able to communicate. i need to feel his soul. i have experienced twice now, in my most recent past, that someone i felt was not "physically" attractive at first and another who i just didn't consider at first--BOTH to present a very strong "energetic" attraction when i got to know each person--at different points in my life, mind you. once that happened with each of them, then it became a "go". in both instances, there was a monogamy agreement. now, i know now (not then) that many people enter this agreement with a practical bent, but may not ever love the person they are sleeping with or maybe they just aren't ready. although i can accept that love, in that sense, is equivalent to commitment for some-- an ongoing relationship with no love or no ability to ever commit is, for me, one that is not able to grow and eventually will die. for me, that sense of energy is love and i expect it to grow with time and experience. but, i know that is not the case for others. others tend to look at all the practical interventions such as where will we live, what if it won't work, etc. i am not one of those people. when i feel the energy, i am willing to find a way around those interventions. however, it is a two way street. i also feel that at this point in my life, like elvis's post, that time is important. i do not want to use up my remaining time in serial monogamouos relationships. thus, although i will invest it in finding out about a person, i will not waste it. however, i really DO BELIEVE i will meet the right person. if i didn't, maybe i would think differently. some say it's about a person's love language. however, i say even if one does not dwell on the word "love", i still liken their assuming that their love language is working, for me as well, to the following analogy. you have a plant that needs water and instead you sing to it. the plant then dies. now, having said that, i also understand that love takes a while to figure out. however, there must be the ablility to communicate and weave back and forth between two individual psyches in order to have a "relationship". i am not a cactus, nor am i a tropical plant. i am just one of those in the middle plants, that needs some regular watering. i also choose my gardener. so for me, i take my time-- if you are talking "three" dates. i usually can get a sense of a person by then. my sexuality will vary, depending upon the quality of what has happened thus far. i am very touchey feeley and affectionate, , but for me, sexuality is indeed a tantra experience and not a quickie! that applies whether i have an "immediate" sense that someone is physically attractive or i may not find that to be the case immediately. but, over time, then the other aspects of them sooooooooooo wham me over, that they "become" physically attractive to me. it doesn't always happen that way, but in my three year relationship, the attraction was very strong. to this date, i can feel every bump of that man's body on my hands. having studied massage therapy on a sabbatical, i guess i have that knack. again, when i first saw him, i was "not" attracted. so, that is why i now take the time to get to know someone a little bit more. plus, i already know that an immediately attractive person on just the physical plane, can fizzle real quick. my attraction will build depending upon how a person walks his talk. the talk is about the emails, calls, or initial meetings if not from online. the walk is waaaaaaaaaaay more a telling sign for me. is he centered, is he kind and loving, does he read me, does he trust me to talk about stuff, et al. well, that about sums it up. as they say in new york city: oy vey.

serenitycw

Joined: 1/21/2006

Msg: 56 (view)

How to prevent THIS type of hurt? Posted: 11/7/2009 1:23:23 AM
you have to make educated guesses. if this hurt does indeed happen, you should see it as adding to your education. over time, you live a little, love a little, lose a little. if you are lucky, you know how to laugh a lot. no guarantees. just like a business venture, you just give it your best shot, lick your wounds, seek solace from friends and fora--and go back into the trenches, knowing it is not "personal", and that you have yet to find your match. about that: gotta believe! it is about faith and not about guaranteed fact. else you'd have nothing to learn and therefore no reason to have been born in the first place. life is about learning, serving and ultimately the gift of love. love is an action that you initiate and not a feeling. however, feelings are good when they happen and they do and they don't. just surf!

serenitycw

Joined: 1/21/2006

Msg: 319 (view)

Let's get naked Posted: 11/7/2009 1:14:49 AM
hmmm. this thread started in spring. it's now winter. how about compromising and wearing a blanket? we can all flash each other when we find a match!

serenitycw

Joined: 1/21/2006

Msg: 33 (view)

One week from yesterday, the DC Sniper is to be executed. Posted: 11/7/2009 1:08:36 AM
the racism and false accusations in our system, force me to not accept the death penalty. if i could be sure we were really executing killers ( as well as not letting killers buy their way out of the system just because they can afford it) , i might be less worried. this particular man is a sociopath. what has happened to the teen accomplice? i remember that story really upset me. ah ismene (just above), i see we crossed paths. thanks for that info about the boy.

serenitycw

Joined: 1/21/2006

Msg: 6 (view)

Best ISP? Posted: 11/7/2009 1:01:58 AM
i pay extra for cruzio.com which is a local internet provider in santa cruz county, ca. maybe not the best technology, but with an eye on what is happening locally, storefronts within easy access if i need a live person, help from locals when something goes wrong and in english, so i can understand. for the more saavy person, everyone on my street disagrees. some have cable, some att providing their internet access. however, they say not to get cable telephone. several towns away, they say get cable telephone. i liked my magic jack but that just broke. so, i keep my att landline, so i can have dsl, but do not take advantage of the discount bundling. once i replace my magic jack, i will get rid of the landline long distance as it duplicates my cell phone. i use cable just for tv. i assume there are also other small, local isp's? we also had one back in new jersey.

serenitycw

Joined: 1/21/2006

Msg: 34 (view)

Do you enjoy chatting with strangers in real life? Posted: 11/7/2009 12:51:30 AM
when i lived in nyc, i'd talk to everyone. i'd get into a cab and come out with the driver's entire life history and information about the country he came from. my one friend told me i should have become a lawyer. my other friend told me i was just a yenta! nonetheless, i miss nyc. you can learn a lot from people from all over the world.

serenitycw

Joined: 1/21/2006

Msg: 40 (view)

Recent string of shooting rampages Posted: 11/7/2009 12:45:11 AM
i think when a society begins to accept "denial" as a norm, eventually that which is denied is going to disrupt. after all, stuffing it doesn't negate it's existence. denial is a form of control. but when the buck gets passed to "you" and not some "other" outsider or disenfranchised group--you crack. add to that the ones who are supposed to be insiders, but are not acknowledged by their peers. we are now a country of rampant post trauma. that which is legal is often not moral. we acknowledge these illegal acts, but turn a deaf ear on corporate atrocities committed in the name of "business". let's face it, we are raping the world and the world is vomiting back on us. we are being purged in an environmental sense and as a leader or great power. having authority is insufficient. we have not accepted our societal responsiblities and that society is now turning inwards to cleanse itself. we see things as individuals, but just as the earth is to our solar system, we as individuals are to the greater numbers , grouped together. check out the writings of margaret wheatley who as a biologist, has studied the parallels between her microscopic world and the workings of our social order. out of all chaos, ultimately comes order. from order, erupts chaos. homeostasis is constantly seeking it's level.

serenitycw

Joined: 1/21/2006

Msg: 72 (view)

how to slow the pace to make it real Posted: 11/6/2009 8:31:32 PM
newtomichiana, seein’ as how you’ve offered, maybe you could just export some new yorkers to CA for me, so i can find my man in more familiar territory! we talk fast and can pretty much get to the bottom line in just two dates. well, if you wanna be my matchmaker, i'm willing to pay you a commision. grandmabooboo, you are a trip! maybe i got my mojo out at a younger age. my last SO and i took more like three months to hit the sack. as you can see, i take time to know people. but so far, nobody is complaining. i really am a good kisser, so i guess it’s sufficient in the beginning. plus, i’m a good friend. sadly, i did want the living together part and my ex SO didn't. but, we lasted three years and still are good friends (although that took some work and healing time on both our parts!) i’m not sure about marriage, unless it signifies a deep spiritual union, but i do (currently) want the whole package. here, where i live, you can easily find a sexually compatible person. i guess i just want more. however, if you visit, i'll fix you up with my ex SO. he also continues to have commitment phobias. but, he's a likeable guy and always still there for me. plus he needs a woman who can kick a—ss better than i can. i see nobody has taken me up on my invitation to party, as an alternative to my “wedding”. since i've asked for criminal reports and driving licenses, that says something about the forum dwellers here. my guess is that most of you guys are posting with your striped suits on! well, there's another market opportunity—maybe i should also explore that. kmxplore51, the ride has "not" been exhilarating. however, the conversation separated out from the potential of an intimate connection has been good. there is no question about the man's IQ. it's the EQ that is somewhat amiss for me. as to focusing upon one "defective" thing, no that is not my situation. you can whine about an imperfect body part or something missing from your list, and that will pretty much keep you single. although i maintain that this is just a coverup for one's own character defects. however, there are "basics" that must come together. eg you need to be able to communicate on various levels, in various ways, with a Significant Other. not just talk "at" each other. it's like seeing a nice outfit on the rack, but that doesn't mean it will fit you personally. i am not suffering, i am LOOKING FOR MY MAN! i don't make snap judgements. they say it takes a good three dates to get to know someone or to get a sense of whether there is possibility. i never heard that meant to be sexual in three dates. but, whatever rocks your boat! i take my time and when the man is right, you will hear us ROAR!

serenitycw

Joined: 1/21/2006

Msg: 88 (view)

IS IT TRUE THAT A WOMAN SHOULDN’T PURSUE A MAN? Posted: 11/6/2009 12:34:55 PM
as kids, men did the dance of shame (coined by a male friend of mine), walking back across the dance floor after being rejected. i never thought about this. i was the wallflower longing to be asked. recently, some of my male friends have brought this up. i have also heard that some men think that women hold some sort of "power". i find this strange. women have more bonding hormone, in preparation for childbearing. so, they have tended to bond, along with their sexuality. in today's times, it's supposed to be more acceptable to be sexual just for sexuality's sake. still, there is a range amongst both men and women. yes, there are numerous books written for women which say not to "pursue" a man. i'm not sure that means not to make the first contact though. there are also many courses and books telling men how to pursue women however. i wouldn't get in such a snit about it. people who are game players, will play games no matter who contacts who first. however, there are genuine people who try to behave in a way that "works". not everyone is about evil. personally, i have learned to back off some and see if the man is interested in me. however, that also could be said for the men. the bottom line is that you need to see some sort of flow between two people. some of the old fashioned chivalrous stuff is rather nice. however, the women also do things to nurture the male, while he is in hunt/provide mode. so economically, it can be fair. i haven't read his stuff yet, but another pof'er claims that a man named deida, writes some good books about how to balance all this out.

serenitycw

Joined: 1/21/2006

Msg: 30 (view)

Dating someone who you`re sexually compatible but nothing more? Posted: 11/6/2009 9:58:35 AM
not sure why you are even asking this question. for me, a lot of what happens under sheets, stems from what happens between the ears and as a result of a deep "connection". if you study the chakras, there is a lower energy sexual connection and one that courses through your entire being. the latter comes not just from a mechanical release, but from the heart, communication, similar purpose or shared knowledge of something more profound. it's like comparing mc donald's to an exquisite french restaurant. i've managed to find ways to communicate with people from other countries. often what pours out first is from the "heart". could i live with, or give of my entire being to, someone with limited mutual understanding of our everyday words over a longer period of time? it would be difficult for me and over time, draining. however, the limited interactions i have had, such as with my japanese and iraqi host students, have been worth the effort--just not as intimate partners! i'm not good at picking up languages. given what i know from experiencing people who do speak my language, for me, it would probably not happen. often i experience, a deep physical attraction to someone just walking by. a lot has to do with my current state of singledom (my friend calls this "skin hunger"). however, once the banter starts, if there is not much between us, it sizzles quickly. on the other hand, sometimes i can communicate with someone, but the sizzle just isn't there. dam-n....

serenitycw

Joined: 1/21/2006

Msg: 32 (view)

My 4 year old son has imaginary friends... Posted: 11/6/2009 2:44:11 AM
i'm thinking of having one at this age. that way i could stop with the coffee dates and get right down to being a "couple". yup, was told my mom had a son before me who died in childbirth. needless to say i resurrected him. he lived in a chest by my bed, had his own chair at the kitchen table and food was put on his plate. only when he turned around, often the leprechuans would steel that food from right out under his nose. well, my dad had an active imagination as well.

serenitycw

Joined: 1/21/2006

Msg: 60 (view)

how to slow the pace to make it real Posted: 11/6/2009 1:43:28 AM
new to michiana, you are correct up to the part about me being enthralled. i don't know what to do, because i've never come across someone like this who is sincere, but also does not appear to read social cues (that is my most recent up to date observation). there are a lot of pluses, but the downside is that there are a lot of "quirks". so, all i can do is brush up on my half of this experience. i cannot do his part for him. not sure if quirk is the right word, but something like it, if not. of course, i like the little boy in my man. but, i also like the man part as well. i have a lot of little girl in me, but also know how to be a woman. yes, it's nice for a guy to plan and to really like you. but it is really me or does he rent a lot of space in his head to his fantasy life? the more i get to know him, the more i wonder. he thinks out loud a lot, but he does not treat me as i'm special. he talks a lot, but not sure he walks his talk. more important, he does not seem to hear me, when i say what "I" need or want. he is not at all attentive in that way. i, on the other hand, am very attentive. so, this is what i aim to find out. that is why i take my time and ask a lot of questions. not always, but when i have questions and something feels "different". i do have many questions with this man. but, that is not to say he's a nut. it is to say, that between a man and a woman is "interaction". yet, i'm not sure he "hears" me. i, on the other hand, am what is called an "active listener". i also love passionately and do not live in my head. i use my head, but i live with my feet planted on the ground and i do walk that talk of mine. i mean what i say and i do it. i notice he talks quite a bit, but not sure he follows up. so, i am thinking that perhaps my original concern regarding slowing the pace, is just the icing on the cake here. slowly, i intend to find out. as to being able to connect to my heart. that has never been an issue for me. unfortunately my heart has not found the right person for me. quite frankly that hurts. however, the hurt hasn't stopped me. i just rest up a bit, and continue my journey. but, on the other hand, just because i can talk to someone and there are many good things about him, there also has to be some sort of "intimate dance" between you where you interact, read each others cues, try to keep pace with the other and move forward together. in this instance, although i was first relieved to hear some of the positive comments here, there is still "something" not right. i think this man might indeed be in love with love, and is attracted to me. however, he does not HEAR me. he is too busy discussing his feelings, not addressing mine. i will not be able to provide the details on this, w/o getting too gossipy. but, i am still going to give it some time. so, not sure you all can plan for my wedding yet. if/when it happens (no matter whom), i want you to forget the special dresses and just all come stark naked. hmmm. there's another thread on that topic someplace here, no? well, even if the wedding doesn't happen, i'd be happy to host a party. just bring sleeping bags and submit a full criminal search, along with a copy of all your driving licenses. furthermore, if you snore, bring that thingee you wear on your nose!!! i have learned a lot from your responses. when i am sure i have met the right man, i do hope he shares his "plans". by profession, before my lymes, i was a strategic planner btw.

serenitycw

Joined: 1/21/2006

Msg: 71 (view)

Starting a family aged 50+ Posted: 11/6/2009 1:14:05 AM
pitbull pete and pacific star, re adoption: this may vary by state and by country, however in CA there are adoption monies to help you raise an adopted child or children. there is also free college education for some. the child's choice is often to rot in a group home or to live with an endless stream of foster parents, who are not investigated to the degree of an adoptive parent. many do this for the money and they try to be careful and weed them out. for us, it was a blessing to have the extra money to provide extra tutoring, special events, camp, et al. also, with adoption, special needs assistance is often forthcoming, as is individual and family therapy. so, if there is a will--there is a way.

serenitycw

Joined: 1/21/2006

Msg: 55 (view)

Starting a family aged 50+ Posted: 11/5/2009 1:37:52 PM
i think ffs has given you a good example. however, one parent, was younger and there is a history of living longer in her family. we all need to think out of the box. so OP, do i think that one or two parents should be having babies at a way older age, or chose to give birth at 60? no, i do not. unless there is someone in that family who is prepared to take the full load should the older person expire. remember, this is world where artificial insemination is now a daily occurence. but still, there are always exceptions and i do believe that sometimes the universe wants a particular child to be born. that is part of that child's mission. but no, i would not have a baby at my age, although if i hadn't already adopted my three teens and the choice was to a "baby" rot in an institution, then yes, in a hearbeat. but, i'd have to figure out the future for the child as well.

serenitycw

Joined: 1/21/2006

Msg: 55 (view)

STD/Mutual Testing Questions Posted: 11/5/2009 1:28:12 PM
how to ask? start talking about the single scene and dating in general. ask what they have experienced/learned and what they are looking for, in general, with respect to dating. do this over time, not like an interrogation. over time, ask what they think about how to handle std testing. give your friend's example and know/cite some of that data. note: while doing this, keep batting your eyelashes. men, ask with a twinkle or a charming grin. do not make this an interrogation or a thesis. go with the social banter. state what "you" do. let the interaction guide you. when you are ready to delve in, i would hope that is not a knee jerk reaction and that you have discussed this. if one is into multiple partners, then you have a decision to make. just know that it was your decision and you are responsible for the consequences, as well as spreading something as a carrier, as each person who is knowledgeable now chooses not to know as well. if you are seeking long term and the person is as well, this will be a mutual concern and there will be no problems. if you are choosing to flit or be with a flitter, then get checked regularly and be prepared to deal with it. some of this is treatable, some of this can be life altering, some of this can kill you over time. look at the public health rates for the reportable communicable diseases in your area. then know that many are not reportable and many do not report what is. part of free will is choice. the rest is someone else's choice and it's effect upon you.

serenitycw

Joined: 1/21/2006

Msg: 47 (view)

how to slow the pace to make it real Posted: 11/5/2009 1:05:49 PM
phoebe hit it on the head for me. THANK YOU PHOEBE. you are very "man saavy"! i just want to know "HOW". this situation is not a control issue for me. i am a very assertive lady. however, when someone is all openly joyous over you, being assertive is not the right skill set to address it. i need to develop this skill set, honor his feelings and yet respect my own pace. yes, it is better to have an infatuated man than one who says "never". but still, i want him to know "me" --and then i'll become infatuated as well. by saying i feel trapped or cornered, i mean i don't know what to say or do, when he starts moving too quickly with the gushy stuff and the "plans". because i process a lot of data at once in my brain, the feeling of being cornered is not that i am physically fearful. i am trapped w/o the right words or actions to say this is going too fast for me. thus, how to say “whoa!” in a way he will get it. i have said it and he continues to do it. what i am hearing is, that's okay. it's also okay for me not to respond just yet. down the road, when i feel it is “real”, then i am sure it will work very well in his behalf-- let alone in bed! yes, i'm interested, but need one step at a time. how to implement a meshing of the styles? how to show someone that by "one day at a time" as said by artz and certainly my own motto, the romantic fantasy becomes real? i am a person who truly trusts the universe. if it’s meant to be, it will show itself at the right time. but, i need to still do the “work”. like it or not, real relationships take at least, a skill set, and typically work. i always liked my work, so that’s not a bad thing. my skills are good in some areas, not so good in others. time to add to my emotional toolbox. phoebe's suggestions were the most tangible for me, thus far. just keep it coming phoebe! sounds like many people can learn from you. also thank you janet. you too are also very wise. gue$$ who, my instinct is the man you describe is a flake. that is an example of not being responsible for playing with another person's heart. but it's your heart. take care of it. i'd say, in this case, two strikes and he's out. i wouldn't wait for the third strike. it's your ballgame. all of this helps builds the knowledge and helps us grow. now, i have the opposite end of the spectrum. we have to connect the dots. that is why we have these experiences : to learn. in between the cracks of pof negativity, i have met some very wise people, who i will be calling "friends" until the day i die. i just hope i get to meet them all over time.

serenitycw

Joined: 1/21/2006

Msg: 14 (view)

Starting a family aged 50+ Posted: 11/5/2009 1:28:04 AM
i think you are focusing on your personal loss. others who have had younger dysfunctional parents, have focused on lack of "any" father. if you did have a good relationship, what would he answer to your face if you said why did you have me at your age? my guess is that he loved your mom very greatly? they wanted an expression of that love? would you rather him say, in retrospect, you should never have been born? there is a theoretical world and a world of love and chaos, so to speak. out of chaos comes order. maybe ffs would share what her daughter thinks. mine mourn two parents and both were alive when i adopted them. we all ask why, whatever the situation. but the fact is we are given props and situations in this life and then are expected to live and learn. you might have a baby younger. but in your race to have her, perhaps you picked the wrong father. not wishing it on you, but what if your divorce did your kids a disservice? should you say to your child, that you wish s/he were never born? it is the aggregate of all humanity that is important. the mix of marrieds, singles, older parents, younger parents, different religions, races, politics , et al that contribute to a societal balance. just make sure that you look beyond self, beyond birth family and out into "community" and make this a better place for perhaps a little boy who has lost his mom. try "big sister" and make your experience mean something. that is what my kids have concluded. one helped a young man from iraq with his post trauma. she explained what happened was not nice for her, but it made her stronger and has given her a new mission--she is now pre-law to go out onto the streets and help the underdog. use your life to energize you, versus deplete you due to "loss". we all have non stop losses and grieving is a part of living. or, are you just complaining because "some" men like younger woman and would consider children? pleasssssssseeeee. there's enough for everyone with the full range of attractions.

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