online dating service
REGISTER | MAIL/PROFILE | HELP | NOW ONLINE | SEARCH | RATING | FORUMS | SUCCESS STORIES

 

     
Posted In Forum:
Home   login   MyForums  
Show ALL Forums  
 
 Author Thread: My issue
 Lage
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 45 (view)
 
My issue
Posted: 4/22/2009 2:08:44 AM
for those that care enough to learn more of the situation...and since i am getting soo frustrated with your repsonses because they seem to be so off. How about I share an email conversation I had with her mother today.

i started it, this is from me.

Well it’s ok, not that big of a deal.

I can email you if you would rather and you can just respond at your convenience.

I am just having a hard time with everything. I am trying to be supportive of Alyssa, but also standing up for my rights in our relationship. I know she is depressed, and I am trying really hard to get inside her head to find out how she is thinking about everything. She just doesn’t seem to be willing to work through anything, she just gives up so easily. And I don’t understand why.

I believe in women’s rights, and I believe Alyssa should pursue whatever life she desires to go after. But I believe in family first, above all else. So it is very difficult for me to understand why she just gives up so easily whenever things get tough.

It makes sense for her to want to move home, and to want to leave cape Girardeau, her support system is at home, I get it, her life contains choices still that she is and should be allowed to make. I want her happy, but I see our child as coming first. I also notice that I have been somewhat selfish in my desires as well. As though I expect her to stay here for the sake of the child etc. There is no perfect option right now. But I don’t’ see why she gives up so easily in our relationship. If we were able to work things out, wouldn’t that be the best for the child, for her, and for me?

I am scared that she is going to move away and take fatherhood away from me. I know that I can still be a father, but with huge obstacles in the way. I am more than ready to overcome those challenges if I have to. But I don’t believe it has come to that yet.

The reason I am coming to you, is because you know her best. I am not trying to get you involved in our relationship, but I could really use some counsel here. My parents are biased, not their fault, just they still think in a very traditional form, a form that doesn’t necessarily agree with Alyssa always. I can’t go to my friends, because I can’t complain about Alyssa, she has enough to worry about, she doesn’t need to worry about what my friends think about her. And other then my priest, who says, family first, work through the relationship, I don’t know who else to go. I know she is struggling, and I want to help her. I don’t believe helping her is throwing money at her either. I believe in helping her get through the emotional turmoil’s that she is facing on a daily basis. I am going through myself. But I want to be there for her, to be able to help her, hold her hand….and if I don’t have the best advice, just be a rock to lean on. She seems to not want that, and I can’t force it on her. I have been doing my best to leave her alone. Sometimes I give her too much space, which in turn also upsets her….and giving her space is hard because I want to be there through the pregnancy.

I am just in a crossroads, I want what I want, I want her to have what she wants….but in the end, none of it will matter anyway, it will be about our child only…..I am just having a hard time communicating at all with her, how will we be able to communicate as parents if we can’t communicate now? I also don’t want to force feed her communication…because that doesn’t work.

I am just exhausted from feeling like I am trying and reaching out to her, and it isn’t enough…I don’t want to rag on her, and I don’t need any of this repeated…I don’t want her to feel badly about anything, because she shouldn’t. But I am just so exhausted from it, what else can I do to help her? I want her happy and healthy…I don’t know what else to do to reach out to her, she gets so snappy and closed off from me. Is there an option? Other than just leaving her alone?

then her mother replied:

Thanks for sharing this with me. I was just getting ready to call you back, when Alyssa called, she had an emergency run to the vet with Savannah, who tore her claw this morning.
I have a couple of things I have to do in the next hour or so, but I will re-read your note after that and think about what advice I can give. But here’s a little sampler for you.

Please do not share this information with Alyssa, but I/we are struggling a bit with the same feelings you are. I don’t want her to feel we’re ganging up on her, which she will at this point if you tell her.

I am really torn about what to do, just like you are (but hey, that’s part of the joy of adulthood – NOT )

We got into it with her a bit Saturday night before we went out to eat (that’s why we were running kinda late as you might have noticed). She came downstairs complaining because “none of her clothes fit and she didn’t look good.” I gave her some grief and said, well you’re pregnant, you’re gonna go through this. It’s only beginning. And I told her that right now this isn’t about how “she looks” it’s about growing a baby. And that means the mother’s vanity takes a backseat. And I said, get used to it, this is how the rest of your life will be. Well that launched her into tears – nice job, Mom – and then she starts in on this “how lonely she is, how her friends aren’t coming around, how she feels isolated cause she can’t go out, how she feels undesirable to Jeff, bla bla bla.” So I got a little hard on her then, saying that maybe she needs to find other friends – join a church, club, volunteer, reach out to people – everyone’s busy and nobody is going to go “oh, poor Alyssa, I need to go make sure she’s not lonely.” Well, that was the wrong thing to say, because then she did to me what she apparently does to you, which is clam up and get defiant and start to cry. Then I REALLY ticked her off because I said, well if this is how you react to every discussion/disagreement with Jeff, then no wonder you two can’t get along. I said that 2 people in a relationship can’t resolve any differences when one person just shuts down.

Alyssa has always been like this to some extent. I’ve gotten into it with her on numerous occasions. She gets ideas/thoughts/conclusions in her head and then won’t let go, isn’t flexible. And she takes every attempt to “discuss” things as “you’re lecturing me.” Which is what she said Saturday. She said, “I don’t need a lecture,” and I said “well, maybe you do.”

Right now she is still dealing with trying to reconcile her past life – the college student, carefree, party girl, going out, having a good time life – with the new reality – and responsibility - of pregnancy and parenthood. And it is a wake up call, especially when she wasn’t expecting it, wasn’t planning on it. Plus she is still adjusting to the day to day working world, which means a full time job with a second job – housekeeping, cooking, picking up dog crap, etc. on top of it. I have tried to tell her, that “adulthood” isn’t supposed to be a lark. It’s work. It isn’t always fun and there’s a lot of compromise. Alyssa has not yet learned about compromise, in her personal self-perception, in her career goals, in her relationships.
Compromise doesn’t mean abandoning your dreams, but it might mean postponement for a while. Or finding alternate paths to what she wants.

Anyway, I personally believe it would be best for the 2 of you to work out your relationship challenges and stay together. I have told Alyssa that. Over the weekend, she seemed positive. I said that it’s pretty obvious you and your family like her. I’m pretty certain you love her  You both just need a little assistance with sorting through your behaviors and feelings and learning when to communicate and when to hold back. I think that your reaction to problems is to want to talk (or text, or email) them out. Alyssa’s reaction is to close up, isolate herself. Obviously this is not going to be sustainable. Part of it, I think, is rooted in self esteem. I think when she feels like she doesn’t understand something or can’t articulate her thoughts, she assumes people think she’s dumb and she just clams up. She’s always kinda been like this. It has frustrated me because she is smart and has no reason to feel dumb. She did not learn this from us.

To some extent – and please don’t be offended by this – your generation in general seems to be very prone to give up, just move on when something doesn’t seem “easy.” Part of the blame falls on MY generation for being TOO generous and supportive and propping our kids up when they screw up. Either with money, or things, or false support (like blaming the school, or the other parents when our kids have obviously been at fault). I see now that we maybe haven’t let our kids struggle and fail enough. Part of that is me – my childhood was so filled with tension, and uncertainty, and violence that I determined my kids would never know the instability that came with that environment. My parents tried to substitute with money what emotionally they were drained of by my brother. So, to some extent I think I shielded Alyssa too much from some of the difficulties that come with family relationships.

I will think some more about what I would suggest you do, but for now definitely continue with the relationship counseling. I have continued to encourage Alyssa to look for an individual counselor to help her manage her tendency to withdraw. That only feeds the cycle of loneliness and isolation for her.

Gotta go. But thanks for being willing to work on this. You both have a lot of potential, you just need to channel it into positive behaviors toward each other. I’m sure its’ do-able.

Later.

MP


Anyway, there are many more conversations....but maybe reading this, for those that want to respond, it will give you a better understanding of the situation, if any is possible.
 Lage
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 44 (view)
 
My issue
Posted: 4/22/2009 1:54:09 AM

Hon, reread your orignal post and I must mention now, that I only read the OP and the 2nd page of posts, you two are incompatible as partners but it doesn't mean that you cannot be good parents together. If you are serious about the type of father you want to be then get your ass those six hours away permanently. You find a job, move to your own place, be as supportive to the mother of your child as you can and find a way to become friends, this is a huge gift to give your child.

If you are not willing to move, you are blowing smoke up your own ass. Your girlfriend is smart enough to know that if you cannot make it work with just the two of you, the stress of a newborn and then infant is only going to make things massively worse, which is not the type of environment you want your child raised in, with people arguing all the time or merely existing together in the same house with no real emotional connection.

If you live where she does you will see your child a lot more than on the weekends. Her family will see that you are committed to the baby and to their loved one as the mother of that baby. You don't have to live with her to make a family. You made the baby, you can make the family for it without being together.

And again, the square peg round hole thing you described, doesn't work, EVER, so that should not be even in any list you might have of viable solutions to this situation.


however, you have to see where it has left me...she left without breaking up....we haven't broken up...you guys seem to think the relationship is just over....it feels like it's over because we don't act together and i haven't even seen her in a good amount of time....but she goes back and forth with wanting to pursue us and giving up....she never did this before we got pregnant...she seemed like nothing would have broken us up before, now all of a sudden since things aren't "perfect" it's easy to just give up...how is that a relationship?

God you are thick. Reread this and see how much the baby factors into any of this. The girl is scared shitless, in a fairly short while she is going to be completely responsible for another life and for those women with good relationships with their mothers, that is usually the place you want to go when you want comfort and security. Brothers and friends just don't cut it.

From some of the posts on this page, I gather you own two businesses, depending on what they are, you can open similar or the same businesses in Chicago and/or continue to manage those you currently run by hiring someone you trust to closely oversee both so that you can do the rest from home yada, yada. You have every bit as much control as you did before she moved you just want to have things your way, welcome to the wonderful world of parenting because nobody lives at the Cleaver home.

Guess what, the joy of being a father should be all it takes for you to move. The baby, not the woman is the prize at the end of this journey. If things finally gel with her, that would be great and considering you suggest that she has only gone whacko since she was preggers, have you considered the hormonal roller coaster that she is on which makes many people completely nuts and some cannot even stand the sight of the man that made them pregnant.?


This and many other responses like this have been another sense of frustration.

I'll break down each point.

so i should up and drop my businesses (in one company we sign three year commitments, i am personally obligated to those). Seeing how it is more of an income then Alyssa will make in three years of work in her current situation, I don't see that as a responsible choice with the heavy expenses that we are about to take on.

Why should I have to move to Chicago just because she decided to move away? why should I leave my hometown of 26 years to move away to somewhere to, maybe, get to see my own child? why should i make adjustments because she wasn't willing to work on our relationship? she CHOSE to move away, no one made her. She gave up and stopped taking responsiblity for her actions....actions like us (together) getting pregnant. Taking responsiblity for an income to raise a family, stopped taking the responsibility of our lives, has chosen to take away daily fatherhood from me because she isn't happy here....that is fine...she can make that choice, but why the hell would i drop everything that is/was going so well just because she decided one day it didn't work. She isn't being a parent, she is giving up on what she could have, and wanted all along...then when we get pregnant changes her mind. Giving up and moving on without me, that was her choice...but I am not going to spend my life chasing her around. I want to be a dad, and I am willing to work with her on wherever she wants to go, to work with her and help her achieve any of her dreams, but if she chooses to exclude me, then I certainly am not going to continue to be the only one giving in a relationship where she just doesn't do anything to help it along.

I really can't believe how thick minded so many of you are on all of this..

Hell even her own mother is upset that she came home...doesn't think she should have....that it was a mistake and a selfish thing to do...and you think I should move up there to prove a point to her family? why the hell would i do that if she is one day kicking me to the curb, and then the next begging to have me back? she left our home, and our responsiblities here, and left them for me to bare. No one can help her through her pregnancy then the one person that has always understood her the best emotional, physically, and what she actually goes through on a daily basis. Right now, she feels like an animal backed into a corner, anytime someone reaches out to her, she gets defensive....if I try and help her she gets upset...her own mother and father are in full agreement...Right now she needs time and space...i came here looking for a little bit of counsel on how to best reach out to her and help her....moving to Chicago seems to be what everyone else thinks will solve the problem.....not even close...that is the last thing I should do. I have the ability at least to provide for our family by staying here....i can't leave the business to just anyone to run, you can't just do that...if you think that is how a business works, you obviously have never ran one...you can't just abandon responsiblilties because someone left their accountablity at the door.

If she doesn't want to come back and she doesn't want to work on our relationship anymore, than that is fine, that is her choice....i have been trying for the last three months with basically no positive response.....But if she wants to move away, that's fine, that's her choice...but I am not going to follow a woman around the country just because she has my child with her....it's her choice to think selfishly and go on by herself...she has a loving, and able family waiting for her if she ever wants it....And the possibility to move in a few years together (as she knows) is a very real possibillity....in a few years, I could potentially open a new division of our business and pursue it in a new location...but the opportunity has to present itself.

I am starting to believe i am getting all these women's rights activists on here who think they know the situation and are pouring out their hearts to a single mom....who is CHOOSING to be a single mom....family isn't even close to first with her, don't you see that as an issue? how can you just give up on a relationship once it gets a little tough? you will never make it forever with one person if you do that. She has to learn to be able to work through the hard times...if she doesn't learn how to, no one is ever going to be able to help her.
 Lage
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 43 (view)
 
My issue
Posted: 4/22/2009 1:39:36 AM

well if she just ups and leave without telling you, and telling you it's on/off, where is your stand in this? if you want a hot and cold relationship, th is seems to be a good one. Give her space, don't listen to her i'm breaking on/off with you. keep the conversation amicable, once it heats up, break it off and say you have to go. dont' call that much, dont' answer her phone calls that often. draw the line. Sure her hormones are all over the place, but it's no excuse to keep turning this on/off for teh both of you. If this is how she walks all over you, think of when she's back and she'll do teh same thing, this time with the baby in the middle. If it was me, i'd tell her that i'm keeping my space and tired of the on/off thing and will see how the relationship goes once baby is there, and her hormones are balanced off. even if you have to say it 100 times, tell her it's not about you, or her, it's about the baby, maybe at the end she will get it. stop being a punching bag for her when she feels like it. she ch ose to move, you asked her to come back, i assume?, and she chose to stay, so why be the punching bag?

next step is to ask when her next dr.s appointment, and see if you can make it so you can see how baby is progressing.


finally a good reply with a deep sense of understanding...awesome, thank you
 Lage
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 39 (view)
 
My issue
Posted: 4/21/2009 7:56:51 PM
well seeing how she doesn't even live in missouri anymore.

I feel like I am providing information or bad information to defening ears.

she moved back to Chicago, i live in southeast missouri....we are now 6 hours away...she has lived her for the last five years, her brother lives here, she has tons of friends here, the only thing back there was her mom and dad....that's it...i also understand why she went home...however, you have to see where it has left me...she left without breaking up....we haven't broken up...you guys seem to think the relationship is just over....it feels like it's over because we don't act together and i haven't even seen her in a good amount of time....but she goes back and forth with wanting to pursue us and giving up....she never did this before we got pregnant...she seemed like nothing would have broken us up before, now all of a sudden since things aren't "perfect" it's easy to just give up...how is that a relationship? i have looked and looked for ways to reach out to her to help her, but aside from throwing money at her, she doesn't accept anything....how can i blindly support someone who just constantly throws it back in my face? (likely what a teenager will do one day ahah) oh the lessons learned.

We aren't even close to worrying about child support and custody issues....we are still trying to figure out if we can work together as parents who are together, or if we need to work as co-parents....so many of you are jumping my balls without realizing the situation...other then the brief paragraphs that I have told you. my advice, don't jump to conclusions, a better option could have been asking questions before passing judgement that I am some dead beat who want move mountains to help my child....damn
 Lage
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 30 (view)
 
My issue
Posted: 4/21/2009 7:44:17 AM
she had a stable job here making more then the avg household income and left the job because she "no longer liked it" and moved back home to her parents and currently has no income. I believe she is looking for temporary work though.

I know it isn't about me, and as I have said many times on here. It is about the child first, but she is making it damn hard to be a parent as she moves 6 hours away and just up and leaves me to try and make it work on my own. If the relationship is dead, then it is dead....i think we should have worked through issues, but that isn't the issue anymore. I want to be a dad, that is what I truly want, she knows that, and I don't believe when the time comes she will be resisitent to allowing me to be one. But i certainly feel that I am the only one giving anything anymore....that is a shitty feeling to have. I know why she made the decisions she did, I don't think they were her best one's to make, but I know why she made them. We are also only 16 weeks pregnant, we have a long way to go...things will likely go back and forth..

The reason I kept bringing up the relationship is she and i constantly go back and forth....one week she wants it, next week she doesn't. It's a tangled web of tug of war....and that is also very frustrating...

I am surprised by the two nasty repliers in this section.
 Lage
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 23 (view)
 
My issue
Posted: 4/20/2009 6:53:38 PM
I understand that I am venting on here, and saying things that I wouldn't say out loud to her. She won't ever talk about it so i have been taking a little bit of frustration out on here.

I want to be a dad, I want it soo badly...and I feel that it is being taken away from me and being taken away from our child simply because it isn't ideal to her right now.

I can't keep giving and giving and giving and her never do the same.....that isn't a relationship.

the kid i can give and give and give to....that is what is expected....but I don't want to just give the kid money and never get to be their parent....maybe i am complaining of unfairness, but that really is unfair.

I get it, dead beat dad's that don't want anything to do with their kids and they pay child support...or somewhere along those lines.

I want to be a father, i would take this child and be a full time single parent for them. But I also know that she will make a good mother, and I wouldn't want to take that away from her either.

But she doesn't exactly give me a whole lot of options here

before we got pregnant, i never would have thought she would up and move away like this, she isn't planning on staying where her parents are, she wants to go move after the kid is born and go to a grad school across the country. I can't just up and follow her there to try and be a father, when the mother doesn't want to allow it. I can excercise my legal rights, but then all i am doing is making an ugly situation uglier.

And I don't want to just move on with my life, to know there is some kid out there, that is mine, and I have zero contact with them. I couldn't stand that idea. But she is putting me in a difficult position to help here.
 Lage
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 21 (view)
 
My issue
Posted: 4/20/2009 6:40:36 PM

It is not about HER or YOU. It is about the CHILD...


and i have said that, but if i can't do anything to help this child....how do you suggest i help? throw money at her? ya, ok that really helps a kid out....to choose to take a loving and willing father away from a kid makes zero since to me.....just because she doesn't like to work through issues, they are too much right now.

I get that she is stressed, and adding any stress right now isn't a good choice....but I can't exactly hold her hand through it if she doesn't allow me to.
 Lage
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 19 (view)
 
My issue
Posted: 4/20/2009 6:32:31 PM


Well, if that is not an option, then I guess fatherhood is not an option for you either.

Perhaps she is being selfish, perhaps not. That is all a moot point at this point. It is what it is. She does not want to be with you in a romantic situation.

If you want to be a father, then suck up the unfairness of the situation and do what is best for you child.

Or sit by and be the victim and see how your child thinks of you someday.

then what per say, would you suggest I do? she doesn't allow me to be a father, just a sperm donor...what else would an option be? I reach out, she ignores it, i offer support on a daily basis, she ignores it, but if she needs something, she comes calling and is upset if i can't help.....what the hell else am i supposed to do? I want to be a father, and be in a healthy, loving relationship with her....she gives up soo easily...anytime there is an altercation, or we don't agree on something, it's enough of a reason to give up on our relationship...what on earth do you suggest i do then if your best answer is a snippy response like that, you seem to act like you have the answer....what would you suggest then?

I don't think there is a best answer, and I don't think I am playing a victim here, I think she has uprooted from her new hometown (she has lived her five years since college) to go back to her parents to help her raise our child. I constantly give, and she constantly takes advantage of it...is there a better option? I will treat this child with all the love, respect, and encouragement they will ever need in their life...i won't talk negatively to this child about their mother, I don't believe in that petty drama and to bring it to a child. But I am more then a little aggreivated that just because the going gets tough, you just up and give up. I don't think you can ever improve on a relationship if that is your attitude.

Lately, i have just been giving her space, which in turn, appears to have upset her...either I was bothering her too much, and now I don't give her enough attention...I also understand that she is a little out of sync due to hormones.....but she can't just depend on me to help her, and not allow me to be a father with her. She can't just have both.
 Lage
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 17 (view)
 
My issue
Posted: 4/20/2009 6:21:23 PM

You dont get to decide if your going to pay or not
she simply files court documents and they go after you.
Miss too many payments eventually you go to jail.
If you have good management in place then you can run your business from afar and just make the necessary trips back
Open a branch in her town.
be patient
pregnancy is hard enough without the drama
heck she isnt that far along she can still miscarry

also not an option, business is only a year old...

are you guys missing what I said, she doesn't want to allow me to be around the kid...she thinks it's her kid only...she is choosing to give up on our relationship and move away...she COULD stay here and try and work things out, or i could look for ways to work something out with her from afar...as I said, she is choosing to move away because she doesn't want to share the parenthood...to her this is "her" baby, not "ours"
 Lage
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 16 (view)
 
My issue
Posted: 4/20/2009 6:19:08 PM

Your family is your child. Your primary responsiblity is now the child that shares half your genes...

Your family is going to be your son or daughter. They are the most important family you should be concerned with. You have to pull your big boy pants up and realize life is not all about you anymore!!

YOU are not a victim. You are a young man that CHOOSE to have sex wtih a woman and she became pregnant. She choose to move home where HER support system is. I do not consider that selfish. You are not her support system. You are a guy that knocked her up and now who wants to play the victim role of "she won't let me be a father" and I call BS on that one...

If you truly want to be a father to your child, then no distance, no jobs, no family obligations would take you away from that.

With the attitudes of your last post, there is going to be a true loser in this situation and that loser is going to be that innocent baby that did not ask to be brought into this mess you BOTH created.


I can't do that if she doesn't allow me to, i can't just go chasing her all around the country begging her to let me be a part of the child's life...It isn't an option. I want to take the responsibilty, to her it isn't my choice.

And she isn't some random ass girl, we were together for over a year, we lived together almost that entire time as well.
 Lage
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 15 (view)
 
My issue
Posted: 4/20/2009 6:16:42 PM



Which means you had no business making a baby together. How terribly unfair to the child


Would it have been better in your mind if we had just aborted the child then?
 Lage
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 12 (view)
 
My issue
Posted: 4/20/2009 6:04:37 PM
well i can't exactly up and move to where she is. I own two local businesses here, am responsible for many other people's employement. It isn't exactly an option...plus my family is here.

I can't just go and make these sacrfices. I look at it this way, if she doesn't want me involved in the child's life, then I certainly am not going to be paying for the child's life. She is CHOOSING to go home. Maybe her support system is there, but she is taking away a loving and willing father because she thinks it will be better for her and the child....we have fights, but the kid comes first....but she constantly makes decisions for herself first, the kid second.

I constantly reach out to her, but she ignores my help unless it's with money. I am not going to help you with money if you refuse to let me be a part of the child's life. I have looked into the laws here, I do not have to if I don't have any visitation with the child. I want to be a full time dad, but if she just plans to take it away and go wherever the hell she pleases, then I don't even get the opportunity to take responsiblity and make those sacrifices....she isn't allowing me to.
 Lage
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 25 (view)
 
dating women with similiar interests
Posted: 4/20/2009 5:53:11 PM
wow many great replies! and maybe i didn't go into very many details.

We always had a lot of fun together, we would go to the cubs/cards games, we would always enjoy dinner together, we always did everything together, but she would never have any conversations about it because it was too frustrating that we didn't agree...she wouldn't even approach the conversations. I don't want to date my twin...I want to date someone who is somewhat challenging, somewhat near my level of intelect, and someone supportive....

She just would never approach the conversations because we felt differently, and it would be too much of an argument to get into the conversation....which then would lead to a fight about her not communicating...

It somewhat has turned me off to dating someone who thinks differently then I do....all in all she is a great woman, but when she won't talk about the differences, how are you supposed to enjoy them?
 Lage
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 1 (view)
 
dating women with similiar interests
Posted: 4/20/2009 12:44:42 PM
How necessary is it? My last gf and i didn't really share in much...she was that liberal artist who watched a lot of tv

I am a conservative, hard working self employed man.

some of the issues that we had, although overall are very slight....how much weight do you give them?

I like the Cardinals, she liked the Cubs
I vote Republican, she votes Democratic
She liked to cook, I liked to go out to dinner
and the list just goes on.....no most of these things aren't that major...but how much weight is necessary when dating someone who likes the same things you do?

Most of the fights we had were over trivial things.

I like the idea of dating someone different, because she is more likely to challenge me with ideas that I never knew before....but this last gf was just soo different....

people's takes?
 Lage
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 1 (view)
 
My issue
Posted: 4/20/2009 12:37:47 PM
I am about to become a father!!!! houray! 163 more days until the due date....however, I am not with the mother currently..

Alyssa and I were together for over a year, we are very different people...you name it, we are polar opposites in...which lead to some petty fights.

When we found out in Jan that we were preggers she decided to move 6 hours back north to be with her family and left me hanging in the wind so to speak.

my biggest dream has always been to be a father...it's what I want most out of my life. And now, I am hurt because it seems that I will simply get to be a sperm donor here....and she doesn't seem to get why i am upset about any of this.

To her it is good enough if I see the kid on weekend whenever I want to....that isn't a father...that's some guy that comes to hang out.

I want us to work through our issues and be parents together...she seems to have lost that desire to work through our issues and prefers to run back home to her parents rather then working through issues (which was one of our biggest problems, she wouldn't work through anything).

What is the best role that I can play here? I realize I didn't tell you everything, it's too long of a story to get into...but I feel the need to share and receive counsel from other objective people. I don't like to talk to friends about it because I never want to make her sound bad to them....
 Lage
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 65 (view)
 
Strange desires
Posted: 4/20/2009 12:14:28 PM
deagleninja2.

I started the business myself early last year. and we boomed almost instantly...It's a small town that def had a need for us...it has been a fun/very stressful run though. Even though I have a father who has been a COO for many years, he is simply an advisor for me. I started it and run it. yes
 Lage
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 50 (view)
 
Strange desires
Posted: 4/19/2009 12:49:47 PM
no poo, perferably....if she pees in them, then that is her choice completely. the stimulationg comes from me simply being in charge....the diaper itself isn't the turn on, it's the idea of being in total control
 Lage
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 44 (view)
 
Strange desires
Posted: 4/19/2009 11:36:57 AM
For me, I like the idea of it just like i like handcuffs or tying someone up. It's just another area of interest for me. I actually "came out" about it last night to a lesbian friend of mine who apparently knows many others with a similar interest....it was a relief, and i also knew she would make a good confidant as she seems to open sexually about many different things.

This isn't something I probably should be parading around and talking about, but I figured here, I could openly mention it and see what sort of a reaction I get. sadly, some people met this as a scream for help. It appears that those that see that, don't understand fetishes very well.

It is only a sense of foreplay, after we would be done having sex, I would lose my desire to do it for awhile. if I am in a healthy relationship with someone who was able to indulge me with this, I would be able to control it (as i have) and be able to have normal sex as well (as i have been doing). It isn't my only turn on, but sense it isn't the "norm" some women react to it a little differently then I would like. Some want to know more, and when they do tend to accept it, or even may do it....others that don't accept it, simply ask that we not explore it and of course, i respect that....but with some level of disapointment.

It's a form of foreplay, I like to diaper her to the point where it's like she can't use the bathroom. as though she is "stuck" so to speak in them. It's a form of dominance just like if you like to tie someone up, it's that they can not get free or go anywhere else.
 Lage
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 31 (view)
 
Strange desires
Posted: 4/18/2009 6:23:18 PM
I am actually impressed with the few really kind and good comments and ideas from certain indviduals....thank you.

I don't HAVE to indulge in this in anyway ever in my life....it would simply be nice...I wish i knew someone that I was able to be intimate with that would want to do this too...however, I also realize that less then 1 percent of American women are into this, and something around 3 percent of men. So the expectation isn't very high. But for a "normal" women to be able to be in an intimate relationship with me and to be able to occasional do a few things like this with me, would be ideal...however, it seems to be a difficult conversation to have with a woman. I am usually so confident
 Lage
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 27 (view)
 
Strange desires
Posted: 4/18/2009 6:07:27 PM
and you are right....i have always asked what a partner's desires were, and most women i have been with in the past say they just don't have any....I can't exactly indulge if she doesn't know what she is into or doesn't want to share it with me.

But you are right on....if she was into something that I was uncomfortable with, I would have a hard time adjusting, I would likely still do it, but rarely....like their birthday, random nice thing to do etc.
 Lage
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 25 (view)
 
Strange desires
Posted: 4/18/2009 6:03:34 PM
Thank you to everyone's kind responses, and Marasi (sp?) you are right on. I guess just that I haven't gotten to really do it makes me want to, ya know? I also, never want to do anything that would ever hurt my partner emotionally or physically. I have always been afraid that this could harm them emotionally somehow, so i have never pushed it at all. But yes, I have normal, routine sex with a former partner still. we still enjoy all the other dominant roles and really both enjoy our intimate evenings together. She doesn't really enjoy it, and doesn't really understand it....one of the things that has brought me here searching cousel. I don't see a therapist as an aid, especially seeing how this appears to be the one weird thing sexually about me...everything else is signifigantly more the "norm"
 Lage
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 21 (view)
 
Strange desires
Posted: 4/18/2009 5:47:55 PM
thank you for your reply namrael, I have tried getting to know people in those communities, some are nice, but there are a lot of creepy people on there, and I have a hard time associating with them because of so many different things. The reality is that I likely won't ever find a woman who has all the same kinks that I do, I don't expect that, as long as she can indulge me here and there, and I can do the same for her....then it's a good thing, this has very very little to do with any relationship I will ever be in....just at turn on for some reason, haven't been able to figure out why yet. I can't think of anything from my childhood either, i stumbled onto a website when I was like 16, and it caught my attention and it has been exasperated ever since, likely from not ever indulging in it. and it's not like i can do this sort of thing with some random girl, it would likely freak them out, but in a relationship, I would like to try this further, but it is hard to find someone who is willing to, because of the intial reactions that most people have.
 Lage
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 15 (view)
 
Strange desires
Posted: 4/18/2009 4:51:57 PM
the only reason that I mentioned the family members was in order to relate that this wasn't a turn on toward children.

There really isn't any other issues, i am do not, and have not degreaded the women I am with. There is just that symbolism of being in charge, this just like handcuffs as well, are a sexual turn on. It isn't an all the time turn on either...

No wonder people who have these desires don't come out about it, seems very few people have any understanding of it, or desire to really get to know it better...a few of you have said kind things....but it just seems most of you, don't seem to understand it and make an assumption without learning anything more about it.

I am a very normal guy, have had many normal and healthy relationships where this wasn't brought it up....only the more recent one was it actually addressed. Hell I don't know if I will always even be into it, but right now, it is a turn on....just like if you liked to handcuff your gf, or do any other role playing event.....just those are more common then this one.
 Lage
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 13 (view)
 
Strange desires
Posted: 4/18/2009 4:37:24 PM
The reason that I mentioned the busienss ownership was to offer a little bit of a background of who I am.

And that is one of the big complaints out of the ab/dl community, that other people all assume they are like pediphiles or something, none of them are....most of them like it because of security reasons etc...which aren't my same desires....but their biggest frustration, and reason they hide it is because of people's responses like that....which make me them feel like they can not be open about it. very few, if any are pediphiles....There is actually a sexual desire called infatilism, however, that isn't what I have...I don't want to play baby or anything, I like the dominant aspect that comes with it.

I would ask that people try to remain open minded here of something different. Yes, it's strange to you, because it's strange to me. However, many people out there do enjoy it. I am looking for positive feedback that will allow me to communicate better with people with an understanding mind set.
 Lage
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 9 (view)
 
Strange desires
Posted: 4/18/2009 4:28:19 PM
Well like I said, it isn't all the time, it's usually only a fore play thing. I wouldn't want it on during sex or anything.

I bring it up after a few months usually, no girl has ever ran because of it, but most don't have any interests in doing it, which is slightly frustrating because I haven't ever really gotten to act out the fantasy.

Just like how some people have school girl fantasies where the girl wears a skirt and blouse etc...hell I like that one too. for me, it's just be being in charge and her acting in a submissive manor in bed (not in daily life, just in bed). She doesn't need to ever use it or anything, unless she wanted to. I just like the idea of being in charge to the point where it's like she has to wear it or something....and only for a brief amount of time. The woman I was with most recently for the past year did it a few times, but she wouldn't take it very far....and the reason she did indulge me in it was because every time we would drink, she would end up wetting the bed, so eventually she started wearing diapers for that...and that is when it became a larger level of interest....but we no longer really ever drink anymore, and we aren't really together anymore.

I have checked out the ab/dl community....most of the people on there are really creepy/weird/ and into a lot of things that I simply am not...to each their own right? I think I just like the idea of being in charge, even to this point...and the diaper makes me feel very in charge.
 Lage
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 319 (view)
 
When is taking a drunk girl home from a bar and having sex considered rape?
Posted: 4/18/2009 4:19:22 PM
If it's against the law to have sex with a drunk girl, so I should be locked up when I have sex with my girlfriend of the last year everytime we go out and we end up having sex at the end of the night...must be against the law.

Fact is, any guy who sleeps with a girl for the first time when she is completely tanked is just an idiot, an ass and very selfish. can she walk? can she form sentences? can she stand on her own? her level of intoxication does create a line in which you should respect that her decisions may not be what she really wanted....but if she wants it, you want it, and you guys can be careful, you shouldn't have feelings of remorse the next morning. however, I would recommend no drunk sex, the only women I have ever slept with when she was at all intoxicated is the mother of my child....and we have been together quite awhile.
 Lage
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 3 (view)
 
Strange desires
Posted: 4/18/2009 4:08:56 PM
in the attempt to explain that it doesn't turn me on unless its someone that I am intimate with.
 Lage
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 1 (view)
 
Strange desires
Posted: 4/18/2009 4:04:29 PM
I am a normal healthy man, going to be turning 26 this year, I own a business consulting firm and have 7 full time employees working for me. I am pretty normal in every sense. i go out with the guys, i love baseball, I have dated quite a bit, but I have one weird thing that I don't really understand about myself, and I am hoping to find some clarification, and to find out how objective women may feel about it.

I have a desire to diaper women. I really like to be dominant in bed, it doesn't have to be spankings, it doesn't have to be ruff. But i for some reason like to diaper women and be in charge. however, most women that I have dated and been intimate with have not relished in this desire. I feel that it is odd, but it works for me sexually. I have eight neices and nephews, some have been potty trained, i don't become sexually excited if they are in diapers or anything, just an adult woman who I find attractive. I have normal sex as well. It isn't like the only thing that turns me on. But how would you (speaking to the women out there) handle this if you were me? If I was dating you for example....how would you feel about finding this out? would you try and enjoy it too? would you be turned off by it? how would you personally feel about this?
 
Show ALL Forums