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sweetlilgal2009

Joined: 5/2/2009

Msg: 18 (view)

Do women have more expectations than men? Posted: 8/23/2009 5:04:20 AM
Definitely cannot generalize excessive expectations to gender. Expectations is a really, REALLY good topic. Bottom line: it's best not to have any, in my humble opinion. OP, it sounds like this bothers you because they bring this up before you've had a chance to decide if you like them enough? You are feeling pressured? I can relate to that.

sweetlilgal2009

Joined: 5/2/2009

Msg: 29 (view)

Girls who should be women Posted: 8/10/2009 7:47:33 AM
They are not women; they're girls. Who defines a woman in your opinion, OP? Donna Reed? Lauren Bacall? Cyndi Lauper? Madonna? Julia Child? Helen Gurley Brown? Just curious what your yardstick looks like. I personally avoid yardsticks and other measuring devices of any kind. I'll bet I'm not alone on this one.

sweetlilgal2009

Joined: 5/2/2009

Msg: 12 (view)

how to get undepleted and re-energized? Posted: 7/14/2009 5:09:42 PM
Forgiveness. (Don Henley's "The Heart of the Matter" is quietly playing in the background). Forgiveness isn't about letting somebody off the hook. It's about letting go and finding peace for ourselves. It's about a lot more than this, but this is a start. And it's about understanding the airplane oxygen mask analogy: when the flight attendants go through their instructions about oxygen masks, they'll tell you to put your OWN on first before you can help anyone else. This isn't about being selfish - it's about taking care of yourself FIRST so that you can engage in the world and help others. Can't help others if you don't have your own oxygen mask on first.

sweetlilgal2009

Joined: 5/2/2009

Msg: 22 (view)

do our walls keep out the wrong people? Posted: 7/14/2009 4:54:12 PM
We only put up walls if we are afraid of something, or someone. It is for this reason that I still advocate for long courtship periods. Instead of hiding yourself from the world or preventing you from seeing all the beauty the world has to offer, taking your time to get to know someone almost always pays dividends. Yes! time has a way of wounding all heels, as it often also heals all wounds (if allowed) TK, you are allowed anything in my book. But I will add, for a laugh, that all this only works as long as the "heels are not round". (look up "round heels" on urban dictionary). A good friend taught me the difference between walls and boundaries, so yes, OP, walls keep out the good as well as the bad. TK, I would only add one thing to your beautiful post: we have to know what we want FIRST and be very clear (within ourselves) about it. Then, taking the time to get to know someone will hopefully pay off dividends that just might last a lifetime.

sweetlilgal2009

Joined: 5/2/2009

Msg: 150 (view)

What do men vs women consider to be RED FLAGS?. Posted: 7/12/2009 6:43:11 AM
Tinkerbell, I am also guilty of asking a man what he does for a living, also as a conversation starter. I try to make my intent clear by telling him that I'm not really interested in WHAT he does, but rather am interested in knowing if he LIKES what he does and to please tell me what he likes about it. People light up when they like their work and you honestly want to know what about it makes them happy. It's a great way to get to know a person, IMHO. And if he doesn't like what he does (I can sympathize, we've all been there) it's another conversational topic to explore as in "dream jobs" or something. What people like or don't like about their jobs says a lot about who they are, what they want, and their values, and there's a lot of common ground to explore because like I said, we've all had at least one job that was a bad "fit"! Not to mention the funny job stories to tell! It's all good.

sweetlilgal2009

Joined: 5/2/2009

Msg: 40 (view)

What ever happened to Dating Around? Posted: 7/12/2009 6:24:21 AM
I'm one of those that is on a dating site just to get the hell off of it. Am I that alone in this? Nope, you are definitely not alone. But I do think some of us (not all of us) are here because we didn't take the time to really get to know the persons we have dated in the past. And being over 45, the clock is ticking, so a lot of us seem to be in a huge hurry to settle down without taking that time. And then we end up back, once again, on a dating website. I wish I had the answers. All I seem to ever find are more questions!

sweetlilgal2009

Joined: 5/2/2009

Msg: 53 (view)

What happens if you can't feel that spark, the magic? Posted: 7/12/2009 6:02:00 AM
I'm learning as I go along, but my conclusion is that the presence of the "spark" only means that the sex is going to be great. Whether that spark appears early on or later on doesn't matter. Spark present = great sex. But great sex alone cannot sustain a relationship over the long haul.

sweetlilgal2009

Joined: 5/2/2009

Msg: 50 (view)

Why is it tough for men to say I'm sorry. Posted: 7/12/2009 5:32:56 AM
The collective wisdom in this thread is literally awesome. I'm in awe of many of you who have posted here. Most of all Krebby, but so many of you have posted wise words and there is much for me to learn here. One thing I actually do know: either like/accept them the way they are or move on. It's impossible to change anybody. Fifty hours in the car isn't going to make someone change. Only thing we can change is ourselves. And there is one other thing I do know: there are some good single men out and about. Generalizing one man's behavior to all men is just, well, wrong.

sweetlilgal2009

Joined: 5/2/2009

Msg: 40 (view)

Imopressive / Memorable Technology Posted: 7/10/2009 10:19:40 AM
Nice topic, TK! My technology pedigree includes: Vydek word processer (used 8" floppy disks, one page per track. If you needed to access a page stored on the 2nd side, you took it out of the drive and flipped it over!) IBM PC with a whopping 640K of memory, two floppy drives (no hard drive) with a RAM drive for loading WordStar, Lotus 1-2-3, etc. Good times! IBM 4341 mainframe with a whopping 8MB of memory. I wrote list processing code in Assembler for years. Ah! The joys of fixed length records. Hard to find a job after doing that in my little neck of the woods. Went back to school, as a matter of fact. With the changes going on in computing, I decided to study math instead. As a student I worked for an ISP back when everyone was on dial-up. All those little local ISPs are pretty much gone now, I think. But those were good times too! Now I'm fascinated with remote sensing, and the ability to "see" objects on earth from satellites (think of Tommy Lee Jones' character in Men in Black, spying on his old flame). My father worked on satellites back in the late 60s and early 70s, so I feel like I've come full circle. Try not to think of "spy cam" applications here, but rather of applications for researching climate change, environmental concerns, etc. My particular interest is in ocean remote sensing. I want to spy on coral reefs, not people!

sweetlilgal2009

Joined: 5/2/2009

Msg: 32 (view)

What ever happened to Dating Around? Posted: 7/9/2009 11:59:00 AM
The way to date around is to keep it casual. To me becoming intimate with someone is a commitment and not one to be taken lightly. Well said, Cat! I agree.

sweetlilgal2009

Joined: 5/2/2009

Msg: 74 (view)

Does chemistry happen immediately? Posted: 7/9/2009 11:52:29 AM
Phoebe, that was a beautiful story! I, too, had an LTR that started as instant chemistry (he literally made my knees weak and I almost fell down!) Luckily, I had a counter to grab before I hit the deck! And Parrothead, I'm with you - that attraction/chemistry needs to be nurtured forever. My experience is that good sex just gets better and better over time. GoodmanGreg, I think we should start a glossary of terms for this website, a "controlled vocabulary" if you will. There is enough confusion between the sexes in everyday communication, but it's much worse when everyone defines terms in a different way. Makes it all the more challenging to communicate with anyone. And OP, to answer your question: chemistry/attraction/lust happens immediately. Definitely. Know. This. For. Sure.

sweetlilgal2009

Joined: 5/2/2009

Msg: 2 (view)

Over 45? Why we have to make choice between LTR and dating? Posted: 7/9/2009 11:09:56 AM
It really doesn't make logical sense to me either why we are forced to choose, since dating sometimes (not always) leads to an LTR. I mean, yes an LTR starts as one date but does anybody really, really know, beyond a doubt, that one date is going to turn into an LTR? Or are they really, really, really sure that no one they meet will ever become an LTR if they have "dating"? As a result of these questions, I usually ask him questions about whatever his setting is. Why is it dating or why is it LTR or whatever. I think we are all confused about this issue, so it's best to just ask. I know it confuses me.

sweetlilgal2009

Joined: 5/2/2009

Msg: 17 (view)

Over 45 and Why I would love a long distance relationship at least at first Posted: 7/9/2009 11:03:04 AM
OP, you may be able to find exactly what you want. So many on this forum have said they have met wonderful people that are too far away . . . you, on the other hand, are flipping that around. That gives you the advantage, in my view. Be sure to put this on your profile. The world, quite literally, is your fishing pond. What could be wrong with that? I tried an LDR when I left him to come to school. I (as usual) was quite positive everything would work out great. There's a specific time limit imposed (two years to complete) so what the heck? Eighteen to 24 months of weekends, holidays, and summers. He would have more time for his son. I needed time to study. Didn't work out. LOL! I liked it, he didn't.

sweetlilgal2009

Joined: 5/2/2009

Msg: 60 (view)

Why not happiness Posted: 7/9/2009 10:52:25 AM
Happiness, for me, is in the striving. It's the journey, not the destination. There are so many wonderful people to meet and learn from, both here and IRL. Even the ones who approach us from what seems to be a negative standpoint have something to teach us. All part of the journey. All part of the striving. I learned a long time ago not to invest my happiness in any person, place or thing, but to instead enjoy the ones who choose to walk beside me for a reason, a season or a lifetime. I cherish them all.

sweetlilgal2009

Joined: 5/2/2009

Msg: 22 (view)

Attitude is Everything? Posted: 7/5/2009 9:05:51 AM
I am with a previous poster, I would love to wear a sexy dress from the 40s or 50s and sing torch songs while accompanied by an orchestra. Add rhinestone studded glasses, red lipstick and stiletto heels and I would be full of attitude. Not to mention fishnet or seamed stockings! You wouldn't have to pay me ANYTHING to do this on national television... LOL! Tis a sad day indeed when a poetic voice changes to bitter. In 1980-81, when unemployment in THIS country reached closer to 11% (and 14% in my own little corner of the world) I was too busy to really care because I was covering up the bruises my husband gave me whenever another man looked at me. Take a good long look at my photo and tell me how many times you think that happened? Throwing my makeup down the toilet and tearing up any clothes I had that didn't resemble a flour sack helped his cause. I kept a positive attitude about it, because he told me I was lucky he used an open hand on me, instead of his fist, and I was also lucky because he avoided hitting me in the face. I kept a positive attitude when he died by his own actions in a DUI when I was 25. And I kept a positive attitude when I was left alone to raise our 3 year old son myself. Right up to and including when I watched our son leave to fight in a war for six years that no one believes in. When friends and family expressed their worry and concern, I immediately put a stop to that! Positive attitude only was acceptable to me. In a few months, he will come home safely, whole in body if not (yet) in mind. Like all of our beloved and brave soldiers and marines, he deserves MORE than a positive attitude. When it was clear that the economy was going to tank (two years ago, for those of you who were paying attention) I realized I could not depend on my small business to sustain me, so I made a very positive decision to return to school. If all goes well, I'll graduate with the ability to do environmental remediation modeling - a very positive job that I am really looking forward to performing, if all goes well. I'm sure my positive attitude about it will stand me in good stead. Graduate school is an enormous amount of work. I'm working harder than at any previous time in my life, (which is saying a lot, because I put myself through my undergrad program while working three part-time jobs and raising a child all by myself) but I feel the end result will be worth it. Maybe I can't solve climate change, but I'll surely be able to help document the changes that are already occurring in our world, and maybe, if I'm lucky, solve a problem or two. Again, I'm positive my positive attitude will help me in this regard. Since we are talking Just For The Sake Of Argument, regarding The Holocaust: read Victor Frankl's book Man's Search for Meaning. He wrote the book about his experiences as a concentration camp survivor during WWII. It's free - every library in the country (if not the world) has multiple copies. I have a copy if you want to borrow it, but I can state unequivocably that your local library has one. Yes, it is THAT good. It will change your life. However, there will be one small change: you may no longer feel compelled to post whiny posts in these dating forums. Just for the sake of argument here, of course. Anyone else feel compelled to argue with me "just for the sake of argument"? Because this sweetlilgal has a backbone made of titanium, and a couple posts in this thread (just a couple) really ticked me off. Any takers? No? Then I suggest that you and your poor attitude leave me and my positive attitude alone and I, at least, will be happy. Your mileage WILL vary.

sweetlilgal2009

Joined: 5/2/2009

Msg: 8 (view)

Attitude is Everything? Posted: 7/4/2009 9:58:12 AM
Sigh. Every time I think I'm posting about dating and specifically about dating on POF, I find I am actually required to include and allow for in my comments: Hitler, climate change (aka global warming), the economy, the Holocaust, generalizations, the environment, stereotypes and the all ready well known fact that our economy is based on keeping people (aka "consumers") ignorant, not to mention all the nasty women in any given man's past. Silly me. However, I am POSITIVE that will change. In fact, you could say I have a positive attitude about it. (I call Shenanigans!)

sweetlilgal2009

Joined: 5/2/2009

Msg: 4 (view)

Attitude is Everything? Posted: 7/4/2009 7:41:56 AM
I would sing. My favorite song to perform is Cheek to Cheek a la Ella Fitzgerald. I also like most of Patsy Cline's stuff - the torch song stuff. Dinah Washington, Sarah Vaughn, Billy Holiday (although she's a big stretch for me). Big hair, big voice, evening dress, horn section - I am SO there. If you want modern, think Norah Jones, but some of those songs written in the 1930s and reorchestrated for the big bands in the 40s and 50s are where it's at, as far as I am concerned. Well of course not. I disagree. Attitude is everything. A positive one, I mean.

sweetlilgal2009

Joined: 5/2/2009

Msg: 100 (view)

Over 40 crowd. Women calling. Do men like it??? Posted: 7/4/2009 6:43:28 AM
Men and women actually getting along, sharing ideas, no one is bashing any one. Yes, this thread is really awesome in that respect. It just goes to show that men and women really do communicate differently, and it's a difficulty to be overcome. But it is possible. I approach the problem by trying to learn as much as I can, while also trying to keep an open mind about it, without bringing any past bad experiences to the table. It's nearly impossible, but I hope to meet a man who is doing the same. That would be awesome. After all, much as I hate to admit it, its more of a "weeding out" process than anything else. Yup. But I also I remember in high school watching girls chase boys, and it never seemed to work. Not for the long term, anyway. One girl I'll never forget drove by this boy's house and blew the car horn. Every day, after school! Twice! Because he lived on a dead end! LOL! This is a true story. As far as I know, there isn't a man alive who appreciates that behavior. Because if he was interested in her, she would be so incredibly busy with him, she wouldn't need to drive by his car with her "siren song". And as far as I know, there isn't a man alive that can be "convinced" or "talked into" liking or wanting a woman. He either does or he doesn't. All the phone calls TO him isn't going to change his mind. Once video phones become prevalent, I'll bet we find men are rather eager to talk on the phone! Am I right, guys? Levi, I'm not sure, but it sounds like you've gotten burned a time or two and I find it sad that some of my sisters would engage with you like that. Fear not, we are not all game players and some of us make an effort to understand ONE man (or better yet: each man) without judging or applying generalizations. All we ask is that you do the same. I'm the mother of a 25 year old man now. Everything I've learned, as far as I am concerned, has helped me communicate with him at every stage of his development. It's all good!

sweetlilgal2009

Joined: 5/2/2009

Msg: 91 (view)

Over 40 crowd. Women calling. Do men like it??? Posted: 7/3/2009 9:13:07 PM
I feel like I dropped into The Twilight Zone. Yes, "To Serve Man" is a cookbook!

sweetlilgal2009

Joined: 5/2/2009

Msg: 89 (view)

Over 40 crowd. Women calling. Do men like it??? Posted: 7/3/2009 8:57:26 PM
Levi, it's not a game. It's about: do I want to talk to a man who is ambivalent or do I want to talk to a man who really really wants to talk to me. That's all. If he asks me to call him, then I do so. If he doesn't want to call, he's got an out. Goodman, you are a doll. But I think you misunderstand: they are only able to call me because I gave them my number. I've shown my interest. It's up to them to call or not. See above. Think of it as a weeding out of the fence sitters. I'm getting myself into trouble in this thread! I'd better quit while I'm ahead.

sweetlilgal2009

Joined: 5/2/2009

Msg: 28 (view)

Must the goal be 24/7 in a committed relationship? Posted: 7/3/2009 8:32:42 PM
^^^^I think she meant that if you aren't thinking about eventually living with them, you might as well look for somebody else. So why does cohabiting seem to be the "holy grail" for so many? Because they are lonely. I've had an LTR that was live apart and an LTR that was live together, and I have to say that I preferred the live apart. With the right guy, I would definitely consider living in again, but truthfully, if we ever get to that point, we might as well get married. Because it will be after spending enormous amounts of time with him as IF we lived together. Truth is, I'm not in a place in my life TO live with anyone - I've got an aging 16 year old cat who "owns me" that I've had since before he was born, and I cannot ask anyone else to put up with the cat hair and the hair balls. Not to mention the jealousy issues and that he likes to sleep with his big huge head on my toes. He's in perfect health. It could be a LONG time before I could even consider living with anyone. Emotionally mature couples in the right time/right relationship find ways to turn "issues" into something that promotes the common good of a loving relationship. Each action to promote harmony is done with love This is what I want. It's the only way to deal with the changes we are all experiencing as we grow older. Nice post.

sweetlilgal2009

Joined: 5/2/2009

Msg: 82 (view)

Over 40 crowd. Women calling. Do men like it??? Posted: 7/3/2009 8:08:52 PM
You want me? Come and get me. You want to talk to me? Call me. I'm with sunnybunny on this one. And I don't define strong as aggressive, but more as confident. If a man calls me, then I am confident he wants to talk to me. That's a good feeling. Everybody feels good. Maybe I'm old fashioned. There's some good stuff in this thread, but I think there's one important thing to also note here: men and women communicate (via whatever medium) for different reasons. Women communicate in order to grow closer to someone, to create closeness. Men communicate to establish pecking order or to pass information only. If I'm generalizing here, set me straight, (and I know there are always exceptions to any rule.) Here's a quote I found about man-speak: "Studies show that men use language to establish difference, separateness and independence (exactly the opposite of women, who talk to connect)." This helps create a lot of confusion regarding ANYTHING, but especially phone calls, when to call, who to call, who calls, etc. I'd rather wait for him to call so he's in the mood to talk on the phone than call him and get frustrated because it's a bad time. I've even gone so far as to set up a "phone call date and time" to make this easier.

sweetlilgal2009

Joined: 5/2/2009

Msg: 30 (view)

what have you learned from previous relationships about choosing a partner? Posted: 7/3/2009 7:13:19 PM
Just wanted to also add: I've learned to try not to let previous relationships color what I think about someone new. It takes time and it is hard. TK said it best above, but it's about not letting old relationships trigger negative feelings from traits that don't actually exist in the new one. It's all about how we filter information, and not letting the past color the present negatively unnecessarily. What a mouthful.

sweetlilgal2009

Joined: 5/2/2009

Msg: 29 (view)

what have you learned from previous relationships about choosing a partner? Posted: 7/3/2009 7:10:05 PM
ForumFilly, I love what you posted. andserendipity, you nailed it here too: rushing that isn't mutual in a relationship can be a strong sign of narcissism on the part of the rusher. TK, it sounds to me like you've learned something, and you taught me something, too.

sweetlilgal2009

Joined: 5/2/2009

Msg: 24 (view)

whack jobs! are they on the increase? Posted: 7/3/2009 7:00:48 PM
So you want to change the world. Start by changing yourself. The world will show up to match how you are on the inside. No need to take over the mega problem of world peace. Be peaceful. You will begin to see peace rippling throughout your life.

sweetlilgal2009

Joined: 5/2/2009

Msg: 43 (view)

Over 40 crowd. Women calling. Do men like it??? Posted: 6/29/2009 8:27:35 PM
Be careful, dear SoldierByte. Some of us are hussies in public and church ladies in private. It's up to you to take the time to find out. Just keeping it real (and everybody guessing . . .)

sweetlilgal2009

Joined: 5/2/2009

Msg: 85 (view)

Hassle free dating Posted: 6/29/2009 6:23:37 PM
RenaissanceMan1950: Truth is, I'm only initially attracted to fewer than 5% of women in an appropriate age rangs. ..and the one woman I might find interesting is mobbed by a whole pack of other guys. RenaissanceMan, with all due respect: you seem to have a "checklist" in your head as well. I would submit that it is very possible (in fact, probable) that one of your "rejects", a woman who ISN'T being mobbed, might become very attractive to you if you take the time to get to know her. What's to lose, except the "hassle" of fighting all the men in the room for the "one"? Just a thought.

sweetlilgal2009

Joined: 5/2/2009

Msg: 39 (view)

Over 40 crowd. Women calling. Do men like it??? Posted: 6/29/2009 5:31:41 PM
Hussies make the world go 'round. Then again, church ladies provide some tasty baked goods. Why must a man be forced to choose between sex and brownies? The world is not as fair a place as some will make it out to be, if you take into account these niggling details. Fear not, fair farceur! Some of us are church ladies in public and hussies in private. The world is still fair a place. So, please. Is there a right way or a wrong way? I would just like to know. I think it all depends on the person and the situation. I have a theory that says you cannot say the wrong thing to the right person. Farceur disagrees with me, but that makes the world all the more fair. If he agreed with me all the time the world would be boring indeed.

sweetlilgal2009

Joined: 5/2/2009

Msg: 34 (view)

Hassle free dating Posted: 6/28/2009 6:50:01 PM
What a great topic. I'll try to contribute, but I've quickly realized that for my age and the length of time I've been unmarried, I really don't have much experience dating. Seems like a new man always just showed up and stayed for awhile. I think this is the first time in my life I'm being active instead of "reactive", and I'm just learning as I go. When I was younger, I was so busy, raising a son all by myself, going to college, starting a business. You know immediately when you meet someone if they carry a "checklist" in their heads. Those are the ones with the "rules" or appear to have a chip on their shoulder. It's difficult to feel comfortable around them, because they seem to judge everyone and everything. They weigh everything you say against some preconceived notion of "how things should be" and you end up feeling like you're fighting ghosts. That would mean it is their past you are fighting, I guess. The one thing I'm looking for is stability. I'm looking for the one who, when the going gets tough, will stick it out. There's a lot more change in our lives now, as in Future Shock, where the changes are coming faster and faster, and it's harder to adapt. It seems that everyone wants to bail out of a relationship when change happens (and it DOES happen, it's inevitable) and it's only going to get worse. Will it be possible to find the one man who can adapt to change WITH me? I don't know. But we are at that stage in our lives when lots of changes are happening. Kids are moving out. Kids are moving back in. Moms and dads need care. Grandkids are appearing on the doorstep. People go into retirement early. People have to go back to work. It's a lot to deal with. The key, for me, is finding someone who can and will adapt to change as best we can and stay together. That really would be the one who is positive and laughing, easy to be with, takes everything in stride and just laughs. It's all good. That's how I try to live my life. Apologies if this is duplicating someone else's post. I didn't read the whole thread.

sweetlilgal2009

Joined: 5/2/2009

Msg: 16 (view)

Over 40 crowd. Women calling. Do men like it??? Posted: 6/28/2009 6:26:31 PM
If he has such bad manners that he makes you feel unwelcome, isn't that one of the things you wanted to find out about him anyway? LOL! Yup. Good point. Very good point. I like this a lot.

sweetlilgal2009

Joined: 5/2/2009

Msg: 35 (view)

So Many Choices Posted: 6/24/2009 4:30:54 AM
So many choices . . . so little time. You'll usually find me swimming against the current. Or cross ways towards the shore, first one side, then t'other if something inviting is there. Then I dog paddle in place for a bit. Been known to lean way back and just float once in a while, too. But you'll usually find me swimming against the current.

sweetlilgal2009

Joined: 5/2/2009

Msg: 45 (view)

Transition Woman Posted: 6/23/2009 5:14:38 AM
OP, I cannot thank you enough for the bravery you've shown by posting your experience here. Yes, I've learned a great deal here. rheard and yellowstonejoe, and all the others who posted here - I'm in awe of your honesty. rheard, I think your karma is back in balance from selflessly sharing here. I saw myself here and well, we probably all do. I have learned. Moraima and others: I don't think it's quite so simple as "hide" versus "throw yourself under the bus." There's just no way to predict the future, and you have to weigh your options, the risks, everything. Sometimes that analysis will learn towards "duck and run" and sometimes it will lean towards "throw yourself under the bus" but I just don't think it will ever be simply black and white. Humans and human behavior are so complex. The key is to "own your own stuff" and make decisions clearly, without blaming someone else. Eyes wide open. OP, it cannot have been easy, any part of this, but I thank you for being honest with yourself, honest with your friend, and honest with us.

sweetlilgal2009

Joined: 5/2/2009

Msg: 31 (view)

Making sure we live in the now as we age Posted: 6/22/2009 6:29:45 AM
Trapped in time: the compulsion to live almost exclusively through memory (the past) and anticipation (the future). This creates an endless preoccupation with past and future and an unwillingness to honor and acknowledge the present moment and allow it. --Eckhart Tolle Cat, thanks for starting this thread.

sweetlilgal2009

Joined: 5/2/2009

Msg: 27 (view)

Man of My Dreams??? Posted: 6/22/2009 6:10:18 AM
Forum Filly nailed it.

sweetlilgal2009

Joined: 5/2/2009

Msg: 33 (view)

Which date left you laughing Posted: 6/21/2009 6:17:47 AM
Anjelic, Silken Fire, thank you both SO much for the belly laughs. I was lucky, and didn't have my mouth full of coffee, but I just KNOW my neighbors heard me laughing (the entire neighborhood probably did). I have done the "skirt in the panty hose thing" too! And Silk, that whole "fawk me" thing is hysterical!

sweetlilgal2009

Joined: 5/2/2009

Msg: 26 (view)

My Experience with NBM Men Posted: 6/20/2009 10:12:09 AM
Natural selection has made women drawn to the dominant male. I think what happens is that men AND women confuse dominance/controlling with confidence. Women mistake controlling as confidence (initially, and then it all falls to sh1t), but men observe this and assume women are attracted to controlling behavior (and are happy to oblige). Neither, of course, end up with what they really want. I think this is what happens. I could be wrong.

sweetlilgal2009

Joined: 5/2/2009

Msg: 17 (view)

My Experience with NBM Men Posted: 6/20/2009 8:48:43 AM
Then I dated two other NBM men and it was pretty much the same thing. Very self absorbed and controlling. For me, it seemed to be a pattern. Yup, there is definitely a pattern. The pattern is you keep choosing self-absorbed and controlling men. Then, to make matters worse, you are associating "self-absorbed and controlling" to NBM. A natural reaction for someone who doesn't want to see the real pattern that YOU are CHOOSING self-absorbed and controlling men. You are throwing the baby out with the bath water, babe. Time to hit the reset button. This time, don't load the program that says "All NBM men are awful!" Instead, load the program that says "I'm not going to date self-absorbed and controlling men any more!" Then all will be well, and all will be well, and all manner of things will be well!

sweetlilgal2009

Joined: 5/2/2009

Msg: 95 (view)

Dating much more pragmatic as we age Posted: 6/20/2009 8:34:58 AM
3. Relating to or being the study of cause and effect in historical or political events with emphasis on the practical lessons to be learned from them. This is what I took from the definition, and why I also think it's a great word. We've taken our dating history and learned from it. We've researched the causes and effects, and are applying them to the now. Was also fascinated by the statistics regarding 1st, 2nd, 3rd marriages, etc. It appears that 1st marriages (statistically speaking) have a 50% failure rate, 2nd marriages a 70% failure rate, and 3rd (or more marriages) even worse. Wow! Your mileage may vary, but this says a GREAT deal and none of it is good. Give me pragmatism, please! See #3 above.

sweetlilgal2009

Joined: 5/2/2009

Msg: 23 (view)

candour before the tribunal Posted: 6/20/2009 4:39:17 AM
OP, I think you need to keep in mind that what people write in their posts is a reflection of them, not you. Even when they appear to be attacking something you've written. And even more so when they appear to be agreeing with something you've written. Always, it's about them. Just as this post is about me. Always. That's Relationships 101. I think this thread is a really bad idea, and is going to quickly turn into a pity pool party. Plus, it doesn't seem to have much to do with relationships. It doesn't seem to have much to do with anything. However, I'm just being candid about being asked to post without prejudice before a judge.

sweetlilgal2009

Joined: 5/2/2009

Msg: 27 (view)

Goodbye? Posted: 6/19/2009 6:15:33 PM
Nice topic, parrothead! 1: How do you know when its time to say goodbye? When they lower his casket into the ground. When you look in the mirror and don't even know who you are anymore, or what you want, because your life has begun to resemble Pluto (a body in his orbit, but not even deserving of the term "planet".) When you realize you still love him, but you aren't sure you like him anymore. Or you aren't sure you like yourself when you are with him. Basically, sometimes they are taken away from you. And sometimes, it's time to take yourself away, because the relationship isn't doing anybody any good. 2: How do you personally deal with it when you're "the left"? It's a lot of freaking hard work, some trial and error, a GINORMOUS amount of grace, layered with lots of forgiveness. Lots of forgiveness. Lots of reading. Lots of talking. Lots of crying. Lots and lots of soul searching. Lots of learning. Then you start at the beginning again: lots of grace, layered with . . . when your "the leaver"? Before you leave? See #2 above. After you leave? Relief. The hardest part is over. Regret, because you miss him (but not too much). See #2 above. 3: What do you do to "start again" using what you learned in the just ended relationship without allowing it to ruin a potential new one? See #2 above.

sweetlilgal2009

Joined: 5/2/2009

Msg: 9 (view)

candour before the tribunal Posted: 6/19/2009 5:31:26 PM
^^^^^^^^^ too funny! Or why we are on POF on a perfectly good Friday night?

sweetlilgal2009

Joined: 5/2/2009

Msg: 19 (view)

Green Lights! Posted: 6/19/2009 5:26:57 PM
OMG professors! Let's not go there, they are walking egos vaguely human shaped. Grad students? Well, they are all younger than me. I'll never be a cougar, they are SO young! My son is older than they are. Even the grad students. Another green flag? Tries to actually communicate. Asks a question instead of assuming things. Hmmmm, professors should try this! One of my favorite old movies, 'tho, was The Nutty Professor with Jerry Lewis.

sweetlilgal2009

Joined: 5/2/2009

Msg: 13 (view)

Green Lights! Posted: 6/19/2009 5:09:05 PM
Green lights? He has a pulse I have a pulse He isn't an apparent psycho Doesn't look like an axe murderer Has a sense of humor Doesn't think I look "mischievious" (LOL!) I don't know, but I don't think I have as many red flags (or yellow ones!) as other people here seem to have. On the other hand, I'm just taking this one day at a time, and just enjoying getting to know peeps! Now, I'm getting back to groovin' to Al Wilson and George Benson. Oh, and the homework. Yeah, that's right, I gotta do homework!

sweetlilgal2009

Joined: 5/2/2009

Msg: 5 (view)

candour before the tribunal Posted: 6/19/2009 4:58:06 PM
You start, OP, because I need to see what sort of laundry you mean. Yea, I agree, because I'm kinda confused what you are looking for, OP.

sweetlilgal2009

Joined: 5/2/2009

Msg: 48 (view)

Constructive Criticism Posted: 6/19/2009 9:43:17 AM
So often people make the mistake of trying to change or "polish" someone to what they want. That's an end just waiting to happen... The key is communication. Get to know the person and make sure they know what you are in search of. In certain circumstances, I thoroughly agree with this. But I think if we spend our time finding the absolutely perfect "one" we'll be here an awfully long time. And I suspect that that is exactly why some (not all) people HAVE been here an awfully long time. Should I include "must not drive too fast" on my "list" for all potential mates? I'm going to be awfully busy compiling this list, and worry that I might miss one . . . oh the anxiety! And then take the time to make him aware of this list, and make sure he matches each and every one? Non. In the situation I illustrated above, there were so many possible compromises available to us: letting me drive is just one that he also refused to allow. I don't want "perfect." I want someone who will work with me to reach an area, via compromise and communication, where we can both be happy. Yes, that does include compromise. Yes, that may mean I get to drive. The point is that SOMEBODY has to give a little to get a little. And if I get to drive, I'll have to give a little back, too. I would have done so, gladly, for the chance to feel safe on the highway. He's not gone for driving too fast. He's gone for not being willing to at least TRY to meet me in the middle. In the old "his way or the highway" scenario, I chose a safer highway. Literally and figuratively. Just another perspective. I could be wrong. But I think that's what this entire thread is really about. Compromise and communication. Or the lack thereof.

sweetlilgal2009

Joined: 5/2/2009

Msg: 44 (view)

Constructive Criticism Posted: 6/19/2009 8:01:43 AM
I have yet to find that in a "romantic relationship". Interesting..... Yup, OP, I think it's time to start dating your "friends". Well, you know what I mean, men LIKE your friends. At least, that's what I'm thinking here . . . And if someone isn't meeting your needs the way you feel then it is time to work on ourselves and not them. Sometimes it's just time to go. An example: I had a BF who drove very fast, tailgating, constantly changing lanes at high speed, radar detector, whatever. He thinks it's fun. I beg to differ. Barreling up the middle lane between two tractor trailers, in a very heavy rain storm, at night, was the last straw for me. I had asked (and asked!) that he alter his driving habits when I was in the car. What he did when he was alone was his business, but I couldn't tolerate the high anxiety. He refused. Goodbye. In this instance, altering how I felt about unsafe driving wasn't the thing to do. On further thinking, you ARE correct in that it IS me. It's me thinking wrongly that he will ever alter his driving habits to keep me safe. End result is the same: I'm gone! He needs to be dating Danica. Lots to think about here...

sweetlilgal2009

Joined: 5/2/2009

Msg: 33 (view)

Constructive Criticism Posted: 6/18/2009 3:54:34 PM
I'm not talking about being the "nagging gf" and maybe criticism is the wrong word. But if you're in a new relationship and you genuinely like the person, but feel there are things lacking in the relationship........or if your partner feels something is lacking....can two people open up and communicate without it becoming about keeping score or becoming a fight or throwing hurtful words out......it seems in my area there are not a lot of men who have evolved to this point. I'm not man bashing, but just curious if it's a regional thing, class thing, education thing, experience, maturity......... OP, I dated someone like this. My experience is that he's not going to change. The reason it turns into "one-upmanship" is because something else isn't being said. He harbors some unspoken resentment that you are experiencing as score keeping, fight picking, and unfair fighting. My experience was that the gentleman in question was unable to communicate and resorted to somewhat childish behavior as a result.

sweetlilgal2009

Joined: 5/2/2009

Msg: 10 (view)

Which date left you laughing Posted: 6/17/2009 5:06:08 PM
This is going WAY back, but I still laugh about it. Senior prom, and it's been raining for days (but stopped just in time for prom). So, we have a great time at the dance, and it's time to hit the after prom party. We get lost on the unmarked country roads, and when he pulls over to turn around, the car gets stuck in the mud! It's a 5 speed, which I didn't yet know how to drive, but I'm trying, and he's in the back trying to push or lift or something. He finally gives up, and walks back around to the driver side door, and I couldn't help but burst out laughing: he's got mud hanging from his eye brows, his chin, and especially his nose! Think Wicked Witch of the West in Wizard of Oz here. I was rolling! Poor guy. A farmer comes over, and tries to help. After literally HOURS of them both trying to get the car out of the mud, the farmer says "Mayhap I'll go get me my tractor!" and I though my date was going to DIE! We'd have probably made the party with the power wheels. But the farmer and his wife were SO nice, and his wife let me sit in the parlor and gave me water while they got the car out of the mud with the tractor and some chain. And headed home, because by now the sun's getting ready to come up. I got home about 6am (we missed the party) and later that day my mom said she heard me come in and hoped I'd had a good time (I was with a neighbor boy everybody liked - no worries) and I told her the whole story and we had a good laugh. I'll never forget that date! What a friend, and what a night to remember! I don't remember a THING about the dance part of it. LOL!

sweetlilgal2009

Joined: 5/2/2009

Msg: 31 (view)

what did I do or say wrong? Posted: 6/17/2009 8:28:15 AM
Saying you had "never had a gf on your birthday" is a huge clue that you've never had a relationship last at least 12 months. A yellow flag, in my book, meaning that more information is needed. However, she blew you off for it. This just reiterates one of my theories: you cannot say the wrong thing to the right woman. farceur will disagree with me, but so far, the theory holds, and it holds in this case as well. What I like about this thread is that you are looking for what YOUR responsibility was, and what you can learn from it! OP, what have you learned? One of my first instincts about you: you MAY be too needy still, which is another side of your comment about gf/birthday. I could be wrong. But dude! I think you are on your way to an awesome relationship with some lucky woman in the future. Just not this one. Look at it this way: she's taught you something that gets you one step closer to a really great relationship.

sweetlilgal2009

Joined: 5/2/2009

Msg: 282 (view)

What is he worth? Posted: 6/16/2009 4:30:52 PM
I must make up my mind today What to have, what to hold A poor man's roses Or a rich man's gold One's as wealthy as a king in a palace Though he's callous and cold He may learn to give his heart for love Instead of buying it with gold Then the poor man's roses And the thrill when we kiss Will be memories of paradise That I'll never miss And yet the hand that brings the rose tonight Is the hand I will hold For the rose of love means more to me More than any rich man's gold Written by bob hilliard and milton delugg (as recorded by patsy cline november 8, 1956)

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