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packagedealx3

Joined: 2/4/2006

Msg: 17 (view)

Marriage or nothing? What do I do? Posted: 5/18/2013 6:23:17 AM
Wow, so very full of shit. When people profess to not do what someone wants because they are being selfless it is really their way of avoiding taking responsibility for their choices. The reason for marrying someone is that they are your best friend, you love them deeply, and you do not want to live the rest of your life without them. It isn't because if I don't they'll leave. If you really care about her walk away clean, or marry her and get it over with.

packagedealx3

Joined: 2/4/2006

Msg: 11 (view)

Learned my lesson dating a single parent Posted: 4/14/2013 11:35:47 PM
I agree that this shady chick's behavior has nothing to do with her being a parent and the whole ordering thing, wtf? Sounds like you got conned and if not, why not explain why ex was there. And I agree about the car thing, that is something that has come up with my ex, I've wound up driving him if his car was in the shop and he's done the same for me, primarily because the kids need wheels to get to school but if I worked outside the home I'm sure we'd figure out the transportation issues because neither one of us have family anywhere near close.

packagedealx3

Joined: 2/4/2006

Msg: 26 (view)

Boyfriend broke up with me out of the blue- what would you do? Posted: 4/14/2013 11:29:30 PM
The reasons don't matter and while things were great for you, they were evidently not as great for him and because he is a decent guy he cut you lose so that you could find someone that did. And here's the thing, I've done it myself, you get wrapped up in how warm and fuzzy the kind attention is that you don't really look at the person, really what you wanted or are there things that once out of the happy bubble would be a problem? Several years ago I was in your shoes and realized once I had a chance to take a step back, that he really wasn't the guy I wanted long term and while good friends we made a horrible couple. In your situation one other consideration is that ADHD and anxiety may also mean bipolar and hellooo this will be your life. This man may have done you a significant favor but regardless, all you can do is move on and recognize there is someone better suited to you out there.

packagedealx3

Joined: 2/4/2006

Msg: 32 (view)

Does this ever get any easier? Posted: 3/19/2013 8:18:57 AM
You asked for help, you did come off negative and you still blame the college town and other things for whatever blaming you are doing. Generally if you are walking around in your life being happy you will attract the same type of people to you. Concentrate on your kids and just being happy and things will shake out but if you make the type of negative comments I've seen in this thread on any type of regular basis that is not going to help you. If you do not see that you continued to make negative comments after you supposedly sucked it up and got out of your funk then no one will be able to help you until you recognize that that was exactly what you are doing.

packagedealx3

Joined: 2/4/2006

Msg: 12 (view)

does she really like me??? Posted: 3/19/2013 7:58:16 AM
Some people get all excited about someone they seem to have clicked with. If they don't continuously feed the face time they either recognize that it wasn't like the earth shattering thing it felt like for a day or they wind up meeting someone else that interests them or at least clues them into the fact that this other thing wasn't all that. Or maybe the chick is just busy, idk, you'd need to ask her because she could be anything from no longer interested to frigging bipolar.

packagedealx3

Joined: 2/4/2006

Msg: 13 (view)

Breaking any rules?? Posted: 3/19/2013 7:48:49 AM
He could be gay, he could be sort of asexual, he could be someone that just does not need another person in his life, he's 48 so he's been living alone for like what, 30 years? If you've known him all of your life you ought to be able to either do what others have suggested, flat out ask him if he's ever considered dating you, and you can say I don't want us to be uncomfortable so if this is way out there we can just pretend I never said it. If he says no, just say you are such a nice guy that I wasn't sure if your behavior indicated there was some interest there. Things will play out however they do but the dire life ending embarrassment and whatnot that you imagine is probably not going to be a part of any conversation you have with him. Things might be weird for a bit but they'll go back to normal given a bit of time. But here's the thing. Most guys whether they are damaged, shy, afraid, if they really like someone they will ask them out or otherwise let them know. I'd find out one way or the other but I've seen a lot of guys act in this way, causing a woman particularly if she's been treated poorly in the past, to read things into their general way of behaving and the whole thing sits and spins because he simply isn't interested, another gal even ten years later, totally different behavior.

packagedealx3

Joined: 2/4/2006

Msg: 8 (view)

How many cancellations is too many? Posted: 3/19/2013 7:35:35 AM
Dude if you get involved with her now, the likelihood that this will stick is very slim. And I agree with Igor, you aren't thinking like someone who is dating a parent and first and foremost this woman no matter how hot, funny, blah, blah she is, her primary function for many years is that of mom. Doesn't mean she can't have a life but you also have to recognize that she can't just do whatever the hell she wants and pay attention to you if she needs to pay attention to her child; balance, because there are times when a child doesn't come first but that is way down the line from where you are now. If you want to go on an occasional date with her that's fine but reread what you wrote, she's going through a messy divorce, she needs to be done with that before she starts something else because a non-messy divorce is upsetting, a messy one is crazy making shit. The cancellations are reasonable and two is not too many. If you date someone with children, particularly young ones, there are going to be times when they throw a wrench in the works. Now, I don't know how bad behavior of the kid resulted in cancelling the first time unless she was dropping the kid off at a friends while she spent time with you. In that case, the disciplinary method her mother chose was appropriate and if you entertain having a relationship while irritating at this time it was a good thing because it shows that the important thing on her end is teaching the kid a lesson rather than not doing appropriate discipline because it would interfere with plans. The babysitter she doesn't have any control over and the kid is five. I'd say go on about your life, if she's available have dinner or something but tell her that you aren't open to anything beyond casual dating until she gets her life sorted because you don't want to be her rebound guy. If you proceed straight into the relationship which it sounds like you are, it'll be a disaster when she's no longer an emotional needy mess. She and her kid need to find stability by themselves before they invite someone else into their lives. Respect that and you might have something worthwhile down the road.

packagedealx3

Joined: 2/4/2006

Msg: 5 (view)

Dealing with the pre-teenager... Posted: 3/19/2013 7:16:01 AM
On the other hand sweet, karate builds self control and discipline, good things to have going into the teen years and my daughter got to know the kids in her classes so it isn't totally a singular thing :) Maybe I'm having an obtuse morning but I don't get what your problem is. With the talking back thing you need to decide now whether it is more important for you to control her or for you to escape the teenage years with some semblance of sanity. Here's the thing, with the mouth, I remember back when I was a teenager things coming out of my mouth differently than they were in my head. Even when trying not to be snotty, it came out snotty. Her getting the last word is something you might want to let go and you also want to decide what kind of comments you will and will not tolerate from her. Then you need to spell those rules out to her and if she starts to cross the line calmly tell her that she is crossing the line and might want to consider if she wants to continue going there and then give her the consequences you said you would if she still is acting like a snotty teenager. As far as the early development, my daughter started having a rear end that was not a little girl's when she was 8, I clearly remember it because I mentioned it to a friend who made a point to look the next time she was over and she was like omg, you're right. So as Igor noted, don't sweat that at all. But here's the thing. The feeling weird, the being bored, the not knowing where you belong in life happens to all of us. It struck me reading Goldie Hawn's memoir a few years back, her teenage years she described feeling exactly the same way I did. My daughter (now 21) has over 1000 people on her fb, everybody loves her thinks she's a great girl and yet she still on a fairly regular basis feels like she has no friends. I felt like I had no friends, and go back and look at my yearbooks and I'm like where did I get that thought because I had many friends? I think it is natural at least for most women to feel like they are out of place, like they don't belong, etc. The only thing you can do with respect to that is continue to encourage friendships with other kids her own age and talk to her so she continues to tell you things like what she told you recently that has made you feel like you are somehow not doing right by her. Unfortunately at this age sometimes what you're telling her is that you know how she feels and that most people feel the same way and eventually she will not feel that way :) She's growing up. Our job ultimately is to teach our children the skills that allow them to navigate life without us. You shouldn't fix everything but give her opportunities to fix things herself and recognize that she may very well continue to experience these feelings until she's in her early 20s. If you don't already, invite a friend to spend the night. Or to come over after school. And btw, the sleeping through the night was likely due to feeling more stable and secure when it was just the two of you

packagedealx3

Joined: 2/4/2006

Msg: 8 (view)

Soo..I'm a gf, now what? Posted: 3/18/2013 10:26:43 PM
Your lack of experience may be a good thing, perhaps a bad analogy but like the employee that hasn't much work experience, the new employer does not have to deal with bad bad habits that need breaking. If you have little experience in this area, you aren't bitter and projecting past behaviors on this new relationship. Honestly, you should treat him the same way you would a friend. The post that noted be kind, etc. is good advice. We do things for the other person because we like them, whether that is making dinner, offering to run an errand for the person or just as it should be at this point just enjoying spending time with each other. Just let things evolve naturally and you should be fine. And following the golden rule is never a problem unless someone proves not to be the good guy he seems to appear now. Sometimes we discover that we are just not suited to another person so if things change and they aren't easy and you are no longer having fun just like you would with a friendship you need to take a step back and evaluate. I hope that things keep going well just stop thinking you are somehow inferior because of your lack of relationship experience because you are better off having no experience than a history of bad relationships :)

packagedealx3

Joined: 2/4/2006

Msg: 7 (view)

dating a parent of a child with disablities,would you Posted: 3/17/2013 3:39:16 PM
How old is your son and how pronounced his autism? Maybe you make too big a deal about it? But it depends on how many adjustments you have to make in your life, whether you have exhausted things like diet and new treatments in helping your son to function as well as he can. Do you have to tell anyone really? If he is high functioning maybe you don't have to say anything and if someone asks why you "kept" the information from them you could respond that you don't wish to define him by his condition and consequently you try to refrain from doing things like talking about him with a label that sets him apart because of the autism. What are they really going to say? The women walking away are not going to be the stable, calm, loving adult that your son needs, so while frustrating be thankful :)

packagedealx3

Joined: 2/4/2006

Msg: 15 (view)

Top Ten Prospect feature Posted: 3/4/2013 2:44:37 PM
I just see it as another means of putting up a set of profiles for you to consider. It could bring you into contact with someone that would be great but I suspect this would be more accident than math or anything else.

packagedealx3

Joined: 2/4/2006

Msg: 7 (view)

Very distraught here Posted: 2/15/2013 8:17:25 PM
In seven years I imagine you saw him have relationships with several women but you never wondered why they did not work out or did you think he would be different with you because he treated you well before you slept with him? Sometimes when a friendship becomes something more that is just what is expected, that the person will suddenly change the way they act. He really isn't worth holding the bad feelings for. He isn't a good guy, if you waited for the guy for seven years that was your choice. Just move on.

packagedealx3

Joined: 2/4/2006

Msg: 53 (view)

Torn need advice Posted: 2/15/2013 5:35:16 PM
I did say I recognize that my situation with a college student is different. But if you really want to get serious about what the OP is talking about, is it any different than our service people who are deployed away from their children? They write letters, e-mail, skype. Some of those people probably know their children better than countless parents in their children's home every day. No one is saying let the child go and who gives a flip but not letting the kid go may not be the answer either. Several people pointed out ways that the situation could be worked around. If they are moving they should be financially obligated to facilitate visitation which since the promotion includes a raise they ought to look stupid griping about. Most schools have tons of three day weekends throughout the year when your son could come stay with you and most school districts would even let him take another day, yada, yada. Think outside the box and whether there are ways that this situation might give you more real time with your son than you currently have.

packagedealx3

Joined: 2/4/2006

Msg: 21 (view)

Tactics for addressing issues in relationships Posted: 2/15/2013 5:28:06 PM
It's strange for most people here to encounter a situation with wide-ranging hypotheticals, and in this case answering the question is a problem without some parameters because there are so many different types of conversations one can have that would require different approaches for each separate thing. Before anyone considers having a difficult chat with their partner they need to think about how their partner best communicates and finding a means of talking about things without trying to mold someone into someone different from who they are, without seeming to keep score, without laying blame, or being disrespectful. Some men are fairly simple creatures and while their significant other may be imagining a ton of scenarios that they believe will upset the guy, often he could really care less. Taking a step back to consider whether one is making a mountain of a mole hill is productive and can often solve the whole puzzle if put in perspective.

packagedealx3

Joined: 2/4/2006

Msg: 14 (view)

Does long distance relationship work? Posted: 2/15/2013 5:09:22 PM
Depends on the situation. Normally I would never consider seeing someone in transportation as my ex is a railroad engineer and I hated being married and a single mom. But I recently reconnected with someone from high school. His kids are grown, he's a long haul truck driver so he will still see his grown kids and grandchild in Michigan and move home base to here should things continue that way at some point far down the road. At this point we talk, text, fb, and see each other when he's here. Taking a long time to get to know someone and figure out if you really want to integrate them into your life is not necessarily a bad thing but people also need to recognize that what works when you are living two separate lives that intersect, when you do mesh them together you might drive each other insane. I don't think making the commitment to go 100% requires a failure to admit if things don't work. Ten years ago I would never have contemplated doing what is essentially a long-distance relationship because it just would not have worked with where I was in my life raising the kids. A younger person with children I think it would not be advisable unless living in the same city and yet still not under one roof was doable. People too often wind up together as much for economics as caring about each other.

packagedealx3

Joined: 2/4/2006

Msg: 48 (view)

Torn need advice Posted: 2/15/2013 5:00:38 PM
You know, you can dig your heels and the one who loses is your son. You are in the golf industry, I'd think you'd do better in FL than PA. The situation that another poster described with your using the child support to see your son, or since this is an increase in income for them, they can put the kid on a plane too. My daughter is 1100 miles away. I know it's different because she's in college but between facebook, cells and skype, except for sleeping in the house I pretty much feel like she is still here. I know you want to see your son but physical face time is not necessary to maintaining a good relationship. Maybe you could try to reapproach them and say listen, we've had a good relationship I'm sure you can understand how shocked and upset it was to feel as if this decision that includes me was made without my input at all. Imagine how you would feel if I walked in tomorrow and told you I want to move to Seattle and I'm taking our son. Something else you might not have considered is whether in this job market he can afford to turn down the promotion. If a company prefers people that are more flexible, he could be pigeon-holed in perpetuity or he could lost his job. They should not have dealt with the situation the way they did but you need to find a way to create a workable situation for everyone involved or again, the one who gets hurt is your son. Reread how you all operated before the "but" in your original post. It's a shame to harm that situation even when it isn't your fault, it is still beneficial for you to be a positive part of finding the solution. A step-parent that you like and trust with your child as opposed to who she might wind up with if this situation were to break up the marriage or something? Sometimes when you win, you lose.

packagedealx3

Joined: 2/4/2006

Msg: 11 (view)

Meeting My Kids... Posted: 2/13/2013 4:06:56 PM
I would say six months as well. If people are going to start acting weird they're going to do it around 3 months, that seems to be about as long as people can keep their crazy shit under wraps. But I don't know that I would wait that long to actually introduce. If you have younger kids who are going to be around bed time when you would be going out it would be perfectly fine to at least do a short introduction at your door before you leave. The first time you do more than that, stick to something like lunch or maybe a movie, something with a defined beginning and end that isn't too long. It should be at least six months before you really start integrating someone into your life to any degree and if your kids are little you might want to wait longer than that to have oodles of interaction. In your case it shouldn't be a big deal because seeing you 3-4 times a week ought to be just fine and normal. I think if you totally keep dating from your kids that's wrong too. My ex dated someone for three years before he said anything to my oldest (and only because she was living with him over the summer or they'd probably still not know). The two younger ones still have not met her. They were pissed that he would keep that from them. I think there are logical, natural ways to allow people to get to know each other and sometimes if you just kind of act like the guy or gal is just a new friend, this whole process needn't be a drama-filled experience or anything that will leave lasting scars on the parties involved.

packagedealx3

Joined: 2/4/2006

Msg: 36 (view)

Gentle Guys Posted: 2/12/2013 3:03:48 AM
Friend of mine recently asked if I was gay because I post snarky jokes on facebook supporting same sex marriage. When I said no I'm not gay he noted that he hates gays and he isn't particularly fond of "niggas" either. I was stunned. When I made a comment that he hid it well on fb he said he was a gentle man. When I asked if his sons had not ever had black friends he said that his son had been jumped by four black kids, instead of using it as a teachable moment to note that bad people come in all skin colored packages he sought out the fathers of the kids and beat the shit out of them. Somehow I don't consider this response to be gentle. Nor do I consider my bipolar ex-husband who never actually hit me because he didn't want to go to jail but all up in the macho crap a gentle man either. On the other hand, I've become reacquainted recently with someone from high school. He solved the problem of a student driver (long-haul trucking) leaving his shoes where he kicked them off in the cab by tying them to the outside door handle, hasn't happened again. Nieces and nephews drove to grandmas because it was a shorter walk to school and despite having an hour and a half before school to shovel their grandmother's driveway the two teens just left, shoveling for an elderly woman wasn't on their agenda. He then quietly shoveled the side of the driveway his mother needed and incidentally dumped the snow on top of the teens' car. They have not failed to shovel for grandma since. This is a gentle man who I imagine would probably be able to engage in physical violence if necessary, he just doesn't do it. First husband was muscled up enough to play professional football and despite spending a good bit of time in bars, I never saw him get into a fight. He was/is a gentle man who believed that walking away or making friends with an aggressor was more intelligent than fighting them. Gentle men come in all packages but they are like nice guys, it can work for you or against you depending on what is underneath the gentle.

packagedealx3

Joined: 2/4/2006

Msg: 67 (view)

How would u feel about 'DYKHMILY? Posted: 2/9/2013 8:00:53 AM
Love myself? I cannot help but beat myself up for my own share of mistakes. Some things, I did in response to his actions, other things, I’m like woah, it’s totally against my values, what the hell got into me? Your words, they are powerful. When you are with him he drives you nuts, you chose to engage in behaviors almost as if you were in a dream and not responsible for your own actions because that is who you morph into around this man. He's given you a gift, run with it, and find someone who appreciates everything he ****ed about.

packagedealx3

Joined: 2/4/2006

Msg: 25 (view)

LDR: No job, I'm resentful Posted: 2/9/2013 7:54:13 AM
You are in such a hurry with a guy who if he's the right one, you're going to spend the next sixty years with? He sounds like a good guy that you are meeting while he is in a transitional period of his life, but he's doing exactly what he is supposed to be doing right now. I presume his parents are supporting him since most people have more problems getting grant money for graduate work, and you can't cool your jets for a couple of months and see what happens after he graduates? You are supposed to love him as he is. You have followed your calling into counseling but since your pay sucks, you don't have any room in your head for the fact that this is exactly what he is doing? You need to take a step back and consider whether you really want someone who is prepared to pay for your career choice by earning more money and contributing more financially to the relationship, just hope that doesn't come at the expense of choosing a quality human being. And if the pay sucks, he should change denominations because many pastors earn a pretty good living. I wish I made as much as our pastor. You either like this man and see him as a potential partner or cut him loose. But you might want to consider how much better your life can be with someone who sounds like he would be a good father and probably a good husband. You're pushing for too much too soon and you could wind up losing a great guy because of it. At this time, you sound like you want someone very different not from who this man is but the stage he is in his life, and things aren't going to get much better until he has a full pastorship and those he has to work to get. Meh

packagedealx3

Joined: 2/4/2006

Msg: 62 (view)

How would u feel about 'DYKHMILY? Posted: 2/8/2013 11:30:23 AM
When you figure out that it doesn't matter that you still love him, that you love yourself enough to walk away, you'll change your number or stop reading his texts because you don't want to waste your time on someone who is a manipulative ***hole. Print this out on paper and then read it and consider whether it would remotely be believable as a screen play :) I wish you kindness to yourself.

packagedealx3

Joined: 2/4/2006

Msg: 56 (view)

Should there be fighting in a relationship Posted: 2/8/2013 11:06:24 AM
I can't imagine living with someone, even someone you like and love, without an occasional fight. Constant fighting not so much and it's also about the type of fighting. Did you fight about the issue or goo off on dozens of irrelevant tangents and rehashing ancient history? My ex used to yell at me about his first wife because that had what exactly to do with me? Relationships should be happy things, they shouldn't be hard, and we shouldn't stay in them just because we love our partner, they should support each individual and foster growth. Incessant fighting and an inability to compromise does not fit into that scenario so I suggest you should go with what you know. I don't know why you split with the ex but it sounds like your failed marriage was a lot healthier than your recent relationship.

packagedealx3

Joined: 2/4/2006

Msg: 31 (view)

Serial Monogamy versus marriage Posted: 2/8/2013 10:57:09 AM
I think most people still believe that a good marriage is possible and young people in particular I don't think are wanting to avoid marriage as much as they want to improve over the last generation. I've talked about this at length with my very soon to be 21 daughter, we think my generation of parents has done somewhat better divorcing and co-parenting, etc. so we think her generation should focus on picking the right person. So many people focus on the wedding and getting married without as much thought into whether they really want to spend 60 years with someone. At my current life stage I don't know whether marriage is in the equation or even cohabiting but if I were young enough to start a family I think I'd still be inclined to "do things the right way," and marry before having a family. I've also accepted the fact that maybe we wind up with people who are right for that time in our lives and only few of us are lucky enough to find a partner capable of growing with us over that long a period. You have children, you have no "reason" to get married, if you are having relationships that you remain in while they are healthy and happy but that you extricate yourself from when they have run their course, why do you give a rat's butt what anyone thinks about your lack of matrimony? I get the term serial dater but why anyone would have a problem with someone being in a string of hopefully good monogamous relationships? Consider the source of the question.

packagedealx3

Joined: 2/4/2006

Msg: 48 (view)

I'm going to break up with her because the only thing she is willing to do is movies and dinner Posted: 2/7/2013 3:47:35 PM
It is really taking you this long to break up when you are completely unsuited to each other, grow a set and do it already.

packagedealx3

Joined: 2/4/2006

Msg: 52 (view)

How would u feel about 'DYKHMILY? Posted: 2/7/2013 2:33:24 PM
Number one, there is nothing wrong with having a phone conversation and wishing someone happy birthday. Honey, you should be thanking your lucky stars that this douche went on his merry way because you have avoided what could possibly have been a lifetime of dealing with exceedingly childish and petty behavior, whoohoo. Someone will show up who one, won't text you any asinine shit, ever, he won't be afraid to tell you how he feels, or manipulate you by withholding those words. That guy's worth waiting for, this one, not worth crossing the street.

packagedealx3

Joined: 2/4/2006

Msg: 24 (view)

If you could have your past relationship again but knew the outcome would be the same - would you? Posted: 2/7/2013 2:18:15 PM
If I had remained childless, no way in hell. To undo the relationship, however, would be to undo my children, and as much as I want to smack them regularly because they are teenagers I wouldn't give them up even hypothetically. Why are people so constrained as to think the only "successful" relationships MUST be labeled "forever?" Why assume "end" = "failure?" Well, for people who get married forever, that's a pretty obtuse question and beyond that, I suspect that the vast majority of marriages and many relationships do not breakup in what one would think is truly a mutual way. My first husband was my best friend and much of the discord was probably due to both of us being too young but we fought like cats and dogs. I went out of the relationship with no real hard feelings, so I didn't hate him, but I wouldn't consider it a healthy relationship at the end. Second marriage was a nightmare bipolar ride, so again, a lot of discord, insanity galore. I'm accepting at this point in my life that most of us don't get lucky enough to marry someone who manages to grow with us as we move through various life stages. So maybe that married forever thing isn't going to happen for everyone and maybe it's not a bad thing if you have 2-3 long-term relationships and maybe you figure out the one that's going to go into the home stretch with you if you're lucky. I wouldn't consider a marriage that lasts for 50 years just because the people don't fight and won't divorce, but they aren't really connected in a healthy, happy way, successful just because it endures.

packagedealx3

Joined: 2/4/2006

Msg: 4 (view)

acceptance for who you really are Posted: 2/6/2013 8:14:52 AM
Changing for another person is always a disaster because the person doesn't change, it's window dressing and at some point it's going to fall down. People can want to change because they believe that altering their behavior and way of thinking is more beneficial than who they are today. I suppose there are also times when people start to change because of a person but actually really embrace the direction they are going, that's generally not a bad thing. Sometimes we find ourselves in situations that foster the belief that the person intentionally lied to us but I think more often than that, the individual wants to be who you want in your life and/or they really believe they are that person. I think it's easier to get over a relationship that just wasn't meant to be if you stop thinking that people have intentionally hurt you. Also easier to refrain from staying in relationships that are no longer positive for anyone when you don't seek to place blame.

packagedealx3

Joined: 2/4/2006

Msg: 5 (view)

talking about ex Posted: 2/6/2013 8:11:53 AM
Some people are in a learning curve situation. This guy has been away from his ex long enough that he shouldn't be so fixated on it, they are fighting, so that's a problem but he is way too invested in her getting on with her life. He has no business dating. Some people are at the point where they haven't gotten accustomed to editing the ex out of all of their stories and it took me at least a little bit to remember to do that. If people talk about their ex, they've saved you time because if their head is still in that place nothing with you is going to work out.

packagedealx3

Joined: 2/4/2006

Msg: 88 (view)

Never the right Chemistry Posted: 2/6/2013 8:02:16 AM
I don't think anyone can explain the attraction or lack thereof. I went out twice with a guy, he was absolutely everything that I would want in a guy but I just simply was not attracted to him. I wouldn't worry about it, eventually you find someone that both of you feel the chemistry. What i am trying to say is if i was in my late teens or early 20s and had a lot of success i could proberly handle some disapointment in the dating field. But considering i am nearly 37yrs old and have had little luck even getting a date let alone leaving one like a failure its really starts to get you down. You either need to give up entirely or suck it up. You cannot possibly expect to hit it off when you go out with one woman a year. You will likely need to go on 6, 12 or more dates to find someone with whom things click. This woman, she either bailed early because people can grow on you in the attraction department but at the same time she did you a favor by recognizing that her feelings were unlikely to change. The guy I dated several years ago, after two dates it didn't seem like I was going to change and it was kind of lucky for me we never planned that third date and I didn't have to hurt his feelings by telling him that the attraction was absent on my side.

packagedealx3

Joined: 2/4/2006

Msg: 21 (view)

Would you care if your parents dissapproved of your S/O? Posted: 2/6/2013 7:59:12 AM
Sweetheart, get your head out of your ass. The man traded a substance abuse problem for an alcohol problem. There is a difference between your situation and a friend of mine who is my age and seeing someone our age who is in the process of building his life back after a difficult situation. This man is content to sit and spin so the real problem that your parents are going to have is that you will 1) be giving up your opportunity to have children or you will wind up a single parent 2) are going to be poor all of your life or at least until he kicks the bucket and leaves you a widow in your 40s or 50s or 3) you will work your ass off taking care of both of you and/or any children you might be foolish enough to have with him, 4) will waste your youth caring for someone who is ill. Honey I've had health problems so maybe I don't feel like the average 48-year-old person but he is probably only a few short years away from a shot liver, probably will have health problems related to the drug addiction because he was messing with that crap probably for 20 years. You are young, you have no idea what it is going to be like to saddle yourself with someone who seems to have little character and is going to do nothing but decline in his physical health. I have another friend who is with a man more than 20 years her senior but he has his shit together and is in better physical shape than she is. There is a difference between a May December relationship of that nature and the train wreck you describe.

packagedealx3

Joined: 2/4/2006

Msg: 18 (view)

mentor issues. Posted: 2/6/2013 7:50:35 AM
Maybe you should just ask him but if you want more time then you should probably find someone who isn't juggling as much. I can't imagine anyone could really keep three times a week up indefinitely when they are in a relationship with someone else, perhaps your expectations are unrealistic.

packagedealx3

Joined: 2/4/2006

Msg: 33 (view)

How would u feel about 'DYKHMILY? Posted: 2/6/2013 7:39:35 AM
Well supercalifragilsticfukinexpealidicious. Who cares. The person did not love you or they would have said it during the relationship. Or they're so frigging dysfunctional that no one should care that they ever said it. And just fyi, he was hoping that that little nugget would suck you back in so that he could continue to make you miserable by having one toe in the relationship that you were 100% in. I'd probably be pissed and then I'd be relieved because it is just another indication of why you shouldn't be with him.

packagedealx3

Joined: 2/4/2006

Msg: 49 (view)

Misunderstanding & remedy Posted: 2/6/2013 6:17:25 AM
When a man is really into u, he will not make u feel insecure, but he will make u feel safe. Men and women use the word insecurity as a weapon to form self doubt in otherwise normal people who have a keen sense and are intune with themselves Really? I tend to agree more with this. Wow, I just read the replies above me.....good lord, they only dated two weeks. The he gets sick, and if he had the flu or that stomach virus that's going around, either of those will knock you on your butt. The last thing you're going to do is worry about texting someone that you've only known for 2 weeks! And also....no one can "make" you feel insecure unless you let them. Especially after dating for only 2 weeks. You are in your mid-thirties, people have lives, sometimes things happen in their lives and they don't feel like talking to anyone. If you don't have a life to live in the interim this is not anyone's problem but your own. I'm talking with a guy I've reconnected with from high school. He is a long-haul truck driver. It should take us a hundred years to become reacquainted with phone calls getting interrupted and seeing each other when he comes through this way. I'm not going to sit around and worry about why I haven't heard from him if I don't for a few days because you shouldn't be talking to someone every single day when you first meet them anyone, that's fast forward to a relationship and skip the dating period. Whether anything is salvageable with this guy is up to him, but you should maybe try to take things a little more slowly the next time and you won't be imagining a relationship exists because you slept with him. From his perspective, your reaction to the silence was pretty selfish if he felt like hell.

packagedealx3

Joined: 2/4/2006

Msg: 10 (view)

30 year old single mother of a 13 year old... Intimidating? Posted: 2/5/2013 5:55:10 AM
I don't know if you've been here before but you haven't even been on pof a month. It takes time. You will find many men your age might not have teenage kids but your putting on your profile that you don't want to say if you want kids may be taken to mean not that you don't want to birth another child but that you don't want a man with children. A dating site is like anything else, you usually have to sort through and go on a lot of bad dates until you find someone that you click with.

packagedealx3

Joined: 2/4/2006

Msg: 24 (view)

Calling 3 months after first date? Posted: 2/4/2013 6:50:49 PM
OP, you can ignore what this man has already showed you about himself but why would you? You had a nice time with him and then he didn't bother to communicate with you, left you hanging and probably disappointed. So he pops up again and you now think it is wise to see him because you will have the upper hand? In what way? You're just asking for drama with this guy. If he treats you this way now, and you see him again, you're pretty much teaching him that it's okay to come schlepping back when he isn't even finished with whom he chose instead of you, hell, he was probably with her when he met you the first time.

packagedealx3

Joined: 2/4/2006

Msg: 4 (view)

Calling 3 months after first date? Posted: 2/4/2013 5:40:07 PM
You know, if someone has the courtesy to tell you that things have developed with someone else and you feel like you need to see where it goes, I could see giving someone a second look three months later but to have poofed and then come back, just not particularly a classy move. He's also wanting ot hedge his bets, new woman on the hook before he gets rid of the current girlfriend. Like this bodes well for you if you date him? He'll ditch you at some point for something.

packagedealx3

Joined: 2/4/2006

Msg: 62 (view)

Be careful who you trust! A life's lesson Posted: 2/4/2013 12:44:39 PM
Wasn't your business to tell her father anything as he might very well be the reason the woman behaves the way she does. Many people behave promiscuously when they were abused at some point. Don't fool yourself into thinking that you would know or that she would have told you. You're all griping about the Christian stuff. Yes, she hurt you, but Jesus told us to love and forgive everybody. You're complaining that they were judgmental I believe, that she has a bad background and yet her father is okay. Maybe you should spend a little time reading the gospels and less judging other people. Maybe you should pray that she is repaired so that she no longer behaves in a self-destructive manner.

packagedealx3

Joined: 2/4/2006

Msg: 20 (view)

POSTING PICTURES WITH KIDS!!!!!!!!!!! Posted: 2/3/2013 3:07:05 PM
Keeping your children's pictures off anything won't protect them. What protects your children is being careful about who you allow around them, and teaching them how to take care of themselves when you are not around. I've never had a problem with pictures of my kids, unfortunately my daughter was molested by my stepson when she was young, so I happen to agree with the poster who noted that it is usually people known to the individual. Pictures are not going to facilitate grooming unless you lie to people and tell them you don't have kids. If someone is intent on grooming he will be smooth talking and charming and you will let him into your life. If you really want to protect your kids read Gavin DeBecker's books and quit trying to tell other people how to live their lives. My kids are now 14, 18 and 21 so a picture that is now 6 years old is pretty meaningless.

packagedealx3

Joined: 2/4/2006

Msg: 62 (view)

Anybody ever hear of a GF who refuses to go to a conert...EVER? Posted: 2/3/2013 2:59:27 PM
Grow up and get a new girlfriend, wtf? She doesn't want to go, doesn't matter why, if you have friends go with them, fight over. You are staying with someone with whom you have an incompatible relationship apparently because she doesn't want anyone else. You just want to be miserable or you'd find someone who'd go to the concert with you.

packagedealx3

Joined: 2/4/2006

Msg: 65 (view)

Would you take in in your ex in a time of need? Posted: 2/3/2013 2:32:18 PM
The next question is how long would you be willing to look after an ex? If your ex needed months of care or care for the rest of his/her life, and in the meantime you have moved on and found a new partner but your ex has no new partner, would you be there for the duration for the ex? Would you put him/her in palliative care in a long term care facility and forget about them, or would continue seeing and being with the ex, even if it's for the rest of his/her life This is kind of out there because the OP has a specific situation. You're creating a hypothetical that you aren't even defining. I may be looking at this situation but my kids are also grown and nearly grown. My ex has numerous health issues, he has diabetes and high cholesterol, deosn't take care of himself and while he might wind up getting sick and going quickly it is much more likely that he'll be a sick lingering person for possibly several years. He has no one but us or one of his sisters and the only one of them I could see taking him in already has her grown daughter, son, spouse's and three kids living with them. Whether he would ever wind up living with me versus my daughter or in his apartment with care or a facility I don't know. I hope that the next man I have in my life is a good person who wouldn't expect me to not be who I am which is doing the right thing for various people whether they "deserve" the help or not. He doesn't. He's a mean hateful human being who caused excessive pain to me and to my kids, still does with the kids but he is also their father and I again, would want someone to help me if I had nowhere else to turn. So I'd figure it out and if it meant losing a relationship then I suspect the relationship wouldn't be worth keeping. Being able to sleep well at night, knowing I'd helped my kids do the right thing with their dad, much more important than a future with someone who couldn't understand that. And btw, a friend of mine lived in a state wherein there had to be a year's separation before a divorce, they had almost made it through that year and were headed to divorce court when she discovered he had cancer. She immediately moved him back into the house and cared for him for the six months to a year he had left. She did the right thing and if he'd lingered longer it would still have been the right thing.

packagedealx3

Joined: 2/4/2006

Msg: 69 (view)

How do you date one person at a time? Posted: 2/2/2013 10:16:07 AM
You will most certainly get a lot of different opinions on this but I am a "one at a time dater". What that means to me is that I go on first or second dates with women until I meet someone who I seemed to really hit it off with and want to date "seriously" to see where it goes. At that point, I stop dating other women. This doesn't immediately put us in the relationship category and that seems to be your question. It is at the point where we agree to hide the dating profiles, and become exclusive, that the "relationship" seems to take hold. This seems the answer most like what the OP is looking for. Dating one man at a time works like this…you date one man at a time. I personally can’t compare/contrast dating scenarios since I’ve never multiple dated. If you don’t want to treat the guy like a boyfriend, don’t….why do you need other men to temper that feeling? The first quote pretty well explains dating multiples. You happen to "meet" several people at the same approximate time, you haven't spent enough time with any of them to determine whether you want to get to know them better than the casual contact you have already established. I get why she feels the way she does about the boyfriend. I've reconnected with an old friend from high school who is an over-the-road trucker and I find myself wanting to offer to wash clothes or let him wash here because I know getting all that stuff done at truck stops or when you're home briefly is difficult. This would be just me being me but in the event that it goes somewhere my "normal" offer might be perceived as over-the-top stalker-in-the-making stuff. This is a boundary that for her usually means they are close to actually "being in the relationship." So I get why she's asking.

packagedealx3

Joined: 2/4/2006

Msg: 18 (view)

giving in Posted: 2/2/2013 10:04:42 AM
What would you tell a young girl asking you the same thing? Just because we are older and no longer virgins does not mean we have given up the ability to choose when we wish to become intimate with another person. If you don't feel comfortable having sex until you have established a relationship and it feels right to you then wait for a guy who isn't an adolescent and is willing to invest the time to have great sex when it actually happens because it is not just an unfamiliar body. Pretty sure women would stop thinking of it as putting out if guys did not still maintain the double standard of what constitutes acceptable sex, i.e. have sex too quickly and the poof often happens because many men figure if she will do it with me....

packagedealx3

Joined: 2/4/2006

Msg: 48 (view)

Would you take in in your ex in a time of need? Posted: 2/2/2013 7:52:05 AM
I'd personally think you were a huge biatch if you didn't but I'm not a selfish asshat who is paranoid about any type of friendly behavior with an ex. I base what I do on how I wish to be treated. I would hope that someone would take me in in that situation and with an extra room, the kids still wanting to spend time with him, anyone who wants to make an issue of it is stupid, and kudos to you for not bowing to pressure from a bunch of people's whose business it is not. Now, if you had a volatile relationship that would be another thing but even then, as long as there was no safety issue I'd probably do the same thing because it is the right thing to do. I look at it this way... At some point in my life, I might need a similar helping hand, and if I can't do that for another person, how could I expect someone else to do it for me...? This policy has served me well for several decades and thankfully although I try to shoulder all kid related stuff alone unless I'm boxed into a corner, when I needed help in the last year and a half people were there.

packagedealx3

Joined: 2/4/2006

Msg: 13 (view)

Just an observation- Attractiveness/Success abd finding love Posted: 1/24/2013 7:30:56 AM
You have way too much time on your hands.

packagedealx3

Joined: 2/4/2006

Msg: 25 (view)

Guys? Can you love again? REAL LOVE? Posted: 1/13/2013 5:29:25 PM
Your brother is completely full of crap, that's just an excuse to keep someone at bay. Did you ever think that in their screwing up stories they are not appropriately recognizing that the "first love" was psychotic and unhealthy? Years ago I remember being hurt that my ex did so many things for his wife that I wound up doing for myself because that innocent type of love with the first child yada, yada, had been snuffed by time, etc. Fast forward a decade with more understanding of everybody's back story and that relationship was crap with jealousy and drama from day one. Anyone who would wish to feel that special again is insane. Everyone has the capacity for loving new people and for having more than one great love. People who have more than one child figure this out when they find themselves wondering how they could possibly love another human being as much as they do their first child. If someone is emotionally unavailable, it's a choice, whether they realize it or not, no great mystery, no philosophical problem to solve. And even if that one love was unique in some way that cannot be recaptured, it stands to reason that other relationships may not have that little "whatever," but they will be vastly improved by the individual improving from the person he was when he had that relationship. You noted that men describe their first marriages as they screwed up, but the guy who screwed up wasn't smart enough to realize what he was doing before he tanked the relationship. You're getting him when he's pulled his head out of his butt.

packagedealx3

Joined: 2/4/2006

Msg: 39 (view)

Do you still love your ex? Posted: 1/13/2013 5:17:01 PM
I would say that I do as another person on the planet, he fathered my children and I've been a member of his family for 23 years; it's a lot of collective history to completely obliterate. I can still appreciate the way we felt in the beginning and have moved way beyond resenting not living up to the marriage vows in terms of a partnership that was never really there. I've wondered about this the last few days because his continuing deteriorating health and his unwillingness to change his lifestyle to prevent further health problems makes it likely that he could pass before my youngest is grown in five years. In addition to being 10 years my senior, I've always anticipated him not making that average male life expectancy. Apparently speeding up the timeline on that to within the next five years was hypothetically freaky for me. On the other hand I think most of my reaction to that was relative to what it means for the kids and in terms of taking care of them. I think if there isn't a least some small part of you that loves an ex as a person if nothing else, that's pretty sad, particularly if you once believed your relationship strong enough to last a lifetime.

packagedealx3

Joined: 2/4/2006

Msg: 13 (view)

Some advise on how to address my relationship issues with someone new Posted: 1/13/2013 5:06:13 PM
Igor and Flaxen both provide solid advice. I see this as something to a degree that you need to address without the involvement of the other person so you don't tell them anything until you figure out if you are at a place to have a fairly healthy progressive relationship. And here's the thing, you want to weed out, the monkeys start falling from the trees after about 2-3 months so the type of person who isn't going to be understanding should you revert to previous behaviors is going to show themselves to not be worth your time anyway. If you are moving slowly and honestly dating instead of immediately seeing them a lot and sleeping with them the issue of attachment after sex isn't going to arise until you are fairly certain you have a keeper. Most women become more attached after sex. I believe ye olde scientists have noted that the chemicals released by our brains during sex push us in that direction. Good luck to you, innate tendency or not, you are breaking habits, once you start to change your behaviors the brain will follow :)

packagedealx3

Joined: 2/4/2006

Msg: 7 (view)

clueless HELP Posted: 1/10/2013 11:52:25 AM
OP, he may not even be aware that he is doing this but he's keeping you at arm's length because he has no intention of engaging in a long-term relationship with you. You are likely his security blanket until he gets completely on his feet again at which time he will bolt. If he wanted a long-term relationship with you he'd be integrating himself into your life and that's not happening. Find someone who is ready to share his life with you, and don't let yourself be fooled by speeches of concern for the children. Life includes change, constant change, those who seem over-protective of their children are more often hiding behind them.

packagedealx3

Joined: 2/4/2006

Msg: 44 (view)

Can 2 people truly fall in love in a long distance relationship? Posted: 1/10/2013 11:37:51 AM
Back in the day even if people lived in the same town, courting was often accomplished through letters. Sure, many of those relationships either tanked or were the basis for bad marriages but I'm pretty sure arranged marriages would have fallen away as a social convention earlier if nearly all relationships begun on paper were shit. Anything is possible...but name one couple that you personally know that has done this....and if the couple ever does get to live together...it might be a tough time as a long term since they would not have had that burden to deal with while just chatting. I know of at least half a dozen people here or that I've otherwise met who got to know their spouses online and are still in successful relationships. Pre Internet days also a friend's sister found her husband this way, still happily married 30 years later. They were army brats. One of the men she had met in high school wherever they were stationed tracked her down and they began corresponding, I'm sure there were phone calls when possible but he was also military and I'm not sure how long they would go with no contact but the U.S. mail. I don't think the question is the possibility of falling in love as much as it is conjecture as to whether a long-term real world relationship would work. And that's a crap shoot even if you have years of compatibility and happiness real world, I've seen people do a Jekyll and Hyde thing after the wedding. I think if you're in this situation, see what happens, eventually schedule a meeting and if the love winds up only friendship I suspect you'd be a lucky individual.

packagedealx3

Joined: 2/4/2006

Msg: 26 (view)

So here I am, 5 years later. Posted: 1/5/2013 1:01:54 PM
Scottey, they have a kid together, he cannot cut ties entirely. OP, sounds to me like you haven't found someone with whom you are compatible, which hello, you are only 25, so you have quite some time to meet someone that you are compatible with. I would also suggest that perhaps you learned enough from nightmare lady to get out of relationships that are disasters waiting to happen. I just had someone from Australia castigate me for being here for six years. I've had serious medical issues twice and I'm not willing to be with someone who is going to drive me insane to avoid being alone. Keep dating, keep the minimal ties for your child, and don't worry about this. When it is the right time and the right woman things will just click :)

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