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 Author Thread: Would a man be accepting to this situation, or is it useless to even try to meet someone?
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 55 (view)
 
Would a man be accepting to this situation, or is it useless to even try to meet someone?
Posted: 11/22/2009 7:42:32 PM

Or perhaps it should be those that cannot do....become SAHM?

Tealwood, that comment was totally beneath you. I've worked outside the home and have also been a SAHM for the last 17 years with the exception of two years when my daughter was one until I had my second child and also got custody of my then 16-year-old stepson. I also worked for several years one day a month doing the rest of the job at home and 14 years ago started a business so am I for some reason better than someone that has 'just' been a SAHM? Not in the slightest. I wish I had been able to only focus on the mom stuff and the house during all of those years, I would have enjoyed the parenting much more without feeling like there wasn't ever enough of me to go around.

It is interesting, I suspect that the response to this thread would be entirely different, perhaps still suggesting that she get a job but if she was able to live off her income due to a spouse dying, life insurance, pension and/or social security, would everybody have their shorts in quite as bit a knot? The suggestions would probably be more along the lines of the importance of her having a life beyond her kids.

OP, I do have one comment to make that I think is a bigger issue than whether you date or not. It is important for you to have a life outside your children because you need intellectual stimulation and companionship from adults and you will be a better mother for it. But here's the thing.


you asked what if one of the children has a nightmare. THAT is why I don't want to go out and leave the children with a sitter. If they have a nightmare, I want to be there. I need to be there - I'm their mother. I don't want them waking up from a nightmare and calling out for me while I'm out at a fancy dinner. I would rather excuse myself from the movie a date and I are watching to take care of them - not from the faceless sex you all seem to think I'm wanting to have on my couch.

We cannot always be there for our children and it is really not good for them for us to try. Our job from the minute we have the children is producing happy, healthy adults who go out into the world and contribute positively to their little corner of the universe. Children need to learn that they can turn to other people, each other, and themselves when they are upset about something. They need to know that they can function properly without you by their side. It is good for our children to realize that they will be okay when we are not around and consequently I think it is important for them to spend time away from us when they are not in school. Particularly in your situation with children that are not school-aged yet.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 46 (view)
 
Realizing ALOT!
Posted: 11/22/2009 7:17:08 PM
Your original post indicated that your problem was that when someone got you all gooey feeling that you ran with it without looking back or considering whether he is what he says he is. Then your repost indicates something that is really irrelevant if you are taking responsibility for your own choices.


The funny thing is...I don't have a problem "per se" with an instant sexually-charged chemistry. What I DO have a problem with is when a man (and I'm sure women do this too) add all sorts of "lovey-dovey" thoughts into it in order to convince the other person that they really are in for a long-term thing. Especially when they know that there isn't a shot because that's not what they are looking for.

Now, if someone really is working you and has no intention of having a relationship but wants to get you in the sack it is because realistically, the type of person they would like to be with and the trappings of relationship they obviously prefer aren't going to be given to them by someone who similarly just wants to get laid at his/her convenience. I really don't see someone interested in this type of b.s. continuing to see you without getting what he/she wants more than a few months.

More often than not, people don't know what the hell they want or don't really stop to think about whether you are what they want until they are already in far too deep to gracefully exit. Whether someone is working you or if he just doesn't know that the person he thinks he is is pretty far removed from the real guy, you are aware from the get go that the person you are dealing with, the relationship you are starting to have, could easily prove to be an illusion again based on how different real guy is from who you and he think at the outset that he is.

It is your choice to stop using your brain and believe hook line and sinker whatever anyone says to you whether they are a guy or someone else. So don't have a problem with people blowing smoke up your ass to get you into bed or whatever, most people don't manage to hold onto the facade much longer than 2-3 months, make sure there is really something there before you sleep with them rather than attributing massively unique deep feelings to what is purely good sex. Beyond that, if you find you have misjudged someone don't bother thinking about whether it was "real." It was on your end of things when it happened and retrospect only cheapens something if you allow it.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 13 (view)
 
Trips and Family Functions with Dad
Posted: 11/21/2009 1:32:12 PM
I have taken kids out of school to visit my relatives in Chicago and when my father passed away. The death in the family is a no-brainer and I always talked to my children's teachers and school administrators all who believed that when family is far away it is beneficial to children to spend time with them even if it requires their missing some school to do so. My parents were school teachers so it is not like I place little value on education.

I think the OP's problem is the particular week it fell and I know a lot of families that deal with this, things being scheduled without regard for people who need to travel to get there, or issues with school. My brother's kids are home schooled so it has made traveling a lot easier when otherwise there might be conflicts with my kids and theirs out at the same time.

I think in this case the OP made the mistake of forgetting that this issue is really not even about the divorce but relatives (and imo you are still related to the inlaws because of the kids) that make plans without trying to accommodate part of the family when they likely could make it a different week. If you were blissfully married you'd be between a rock and a hard place with this.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 28 (view)
 
Realizing ALOT!
Posted: 11/21/2009 11:23:46 AM
Be more honest with yourself and when you start over-investing too soon put on the breaks and look around without the rose colored glasses.

When you meet someone and crap starts instantaneously don't make excuses for why this is okay, it is bad timing, he has issues he needs to take care of, and all of the other mind games you play with yourself to justify continuing to see the guy when the rational part of your brain is screaming run Forrest run. When he tells you you are the greatest thing on the planet and turns around and does whatever that makes you feel like a slug, don't ignore the slug because the b.s. has made you feel really great.

If you continue to do this perhaps you should take yourself off the market and figure out who you are just as you.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 14 (view)
 
Would a man be accepting to this situation, or is it useless to even try to meet someone?
Posted: 11/20/2009 9:56:48 PM
I have friends who decided that they wanted their divorce affecting the children as little as possible so they agreed that he would support the family until the youngest child was 7 at which time she would get a job, which she did. She was an excellent mother and while he griped about the child support, as his sister-in-law noted, the amount that he is still able to spend after child support, like taking the whole family to see one of the Bull's playoff games in Florida without missing the money?

If you want to date, you need to find someone who can babysit fairly regularly on the weekends. Trade someone so that they have time to do the same or spend quality time with their spouse.

As far as how you earn your money, I know quite a few people that supported themselves with real estate investments and for all practical purposes do not work, and yet they can support themselves so I just wouldn't bother to tell anyone I was dating my personal financial business until you felt that it was his business to know it.

You have some time to look around and figure out what you want to do in the field you are trained for. And having done the stay-at-home-mom thing and run a business out of my home, unless you volunteer up at the school a lot or find some other way to contribute to society, you will lose your fuking mind doing the same thing over and over again, day after day for God knows how many years without anything in front of you that allows you to feel the sense of accomplishment you have with a job.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 7 (view)
 
How and when do you know when you're with the one you wanna settle down with?
Posted: 11/20/2009 6:45:06 PM
Do we have to be so cynical?

OP, I don't know if I can offer any insight, both times that I was very serious about someone we both were pretty quickly. If you are realistic, I don't think anyone can say with 100% certainty that they will spend their lives with someone because life has so many curve balls that can tank even good relationships. I think that you should know that you want to spend your life with someone and feel like you are compatible and potentially capable of doing so.

I always thought that premarital counseling was something that only very religious people did but as I've gotten older, I can see so many questions I didn't ask myself, didn't know to ask myself, and I was two years younger than you when I married the father of my kids. So I felt like I HAD asked the right questions of myself and of him. Something you might consider is talking to someone, or getting a book that has the things you should be thinking about relative to compatibility like conflict resolution, how you feel about kids, many different things that might help you both figure out if your relationship is one that could last a lifetime.

Now, this is assuming that this man has been honest with you and this is not some ploy to get out of the relationship at some point or to avoid moving forward with confusion that will never end. I suspect if you ask him about going and talking to someone or trying to find something on the Internet or a book and he isn't interested in doing that, you would probably have an answer to your question. For some people, they just know, it is like they have been struck over the head or something. In other cases, I think it sort of sneaks up on you so the fact that you are confused isn't necessarily a bad sign.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 3 (view)
 
On professionals and commitment (interesting one)
Posted: 11/20/2009 6:26:25 PM
Another interesting question Tom is that many married men don't wear rings, because they find the jewelry uncomfortable. Bearing that in mind, the fact that some people wear them and some don't, I think it is hard to gauge what percentage of the population is married based on socio-economics and profession. Also, do you have any idea particularly with the older people, whether it is a first or second marriage?

I would assume that professionals would also be people married to their careers so your straw poll is limited although I think the information from our resident married lady is probably accurate. Married people with others depending on them are less likely to walk off a job, are more likely to want promotions, etc. So they are assumed to make better employees. Conversely, women that are of child bearing years or have young children are often passed over for promotions, etc.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 15 (view)
 
anyone have an answer?
Posted: 11/20/2009 6:10:23 PM
I'm kind of with the grin and bear it crowd but you also might try writing one or both a letter. They most likely don't intend to make you feel badly but yannow, some parents have an agenda so you have to figure out which ones your working with.

If you think they don't intend to interfere or make you feel badly perhaps if you put things down on paper, starting with how much you appreciate their help and how happy you are that they are close with your child, etc. Then tell them to try to remember what it was like being a new parent and wanting and needing advice but also figuring out how to do it yourself.

It may not help but it could and the only other alternative you have is to allow them to drive you crazy until you can get your own place.

When I am stuck in a similar situation, I tend to find something to chant in my head when I feel like screaming and like everything else, it passes and you can go on to the next aggravating day.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 6 (view)
 
Trips and Family Functions with Dad
Posted: 11/20/2009 5:38:33 PM
Hon, where you are screwing your own brain here is forgetting that you would have to make the same decision were you still married to their dad. Sometimes scheduling issues just suck and although your son is disappointed, he will appreciate the lifeguard exam when he is able to do what he has been trained to do. Your daughter is relieved and in the long run your son would not like making up the work even if he could.

You are doing the right thing, that isn't always easy. Just keep telling yourself and don't worry about your ex.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 7 (view)
 
cant love or trust and feel like am losing my girl and myself
Posted: 11/20/2009 5:30:38 PM
If you really want to stay in the relationship you need to get counseling, you could probably use couples counseling as well. From a logical standpoint, you would probably be better off leaving the relationship but you are the only one that can make that decision.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 10 (view)
 
Would a person who suffered a brain injury be a turn off for you?
Posted: 11/20/2009 5:23:54 PM
You left out an important component of the equation whether the AELD is permanent or if it will get better.

I was ill a couple of years ago and have experienced something similar to this on I think a much smaller scale. One of the things I discovered was that in my situation, the higher you were functioning before your illness or injury, the longer it takes for the brain to reconnect the pathways to the information in it.

A relationships with someone whose cognitive ability is going to improve would be a far different situation from someone whose abilities today are as good as they are going to get. Also, you are talking about slower, not complete inability so it's not like you cannot have conversations, you would just need to be the type of person that could slow yourself down.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 825 (view)
 
ADHD and ADD the real thing or a cop out?
Posted: 11/20/2009 9:26:19 AM

Ok one thing I never understood since I have a few nephews that supposedly have ADHD and/or ADD. If kids have a hard time focusing why is it that the only time they have the focus issue in is when they are doing something they don’t like to do? They can focus very well when playing games but not when they are studding. They can behave very well when they know that they would get spanked if they don’t behave. Their memory is fantastic when it comes down to girls phone numbers, what was the score in the 1969 World Series while being born in 90’s. They can remember the names of every NFL player but not the ABC’s.

Do some reading on this disorder and you will get it, doesn't make it easier to live with at times but it is what it is. Just like other people, people are interested in what they like to do but with my daughter, she loves history so if she is having a particularly bad day, even though she would normally be engaged she cannot manage it.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 5 (view)
 
Men and self esteem
Posted: 11/20/2009 9:04:36 AM
It's an interesting question and I think it deals with the things that are more available to boys, like sports programs, that do build self-esteem not related to looks. And in the media, look at the number of unattractive leading men in comparison to leading ladies, it is way skewed, so boys are shown I think pretty early that they can use other things to get the same stuff (women) that good looking men can.

I think what maybe you are getting at is are there commercials about building the self-esteem in boys that may not have a talent like sports or music. I think because there are more positive messages to men in general, this need is not as evident because generally you don't hear of boys getting into relationships that are bad for them and unable to break away because they have tied their self worth to getting a chick.

I also think that geekiness is now fashionable so if you are remotely normal and a boy or have some sort of a geeky thing going like computers, video games, whatever, you do have positive role models whereas for the average girl that maybe isn't gorgeous and doesn't seem to fit in anywhere, there are fewer places to look.

I think on the positive side of the media, while people are still too focused on looks, etc. some of the characters that have played lead roles in movies primarily geared for teens aren't always the uber beautiful. They have I think made it more fashionable to be average or even odd.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 17 (view)
 
Is love enough?
Posted: 11/20/2009 7:45:19 AM
Depends. It is good to have lives apart from one another so it would be comparatively easy for him to pursue his thing while you do yours and you have other things that you enjoy together.

The one thing I can tell you if you are doing more than idle thinking about whether the two of you will work, it can lead to tanking a perfectly good relationship. Don't stick your head in the sand but just take your time and enjoy getting to know him. If you aren't suited, no harm no foul.

Rather than hobbies or interests, I think the thing that can make or break relationships is whether your values are on the same page, if you both have positive resolution styles when conflict does occur, and here's a really simple one, if you really can step back and say you like the guy and want to spend time with him long after the love word has come onto the scene, you are probably going to manage to have a lasting relationship.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 2 (view)
 
men and emotional maturity
Posted: 11/20/2009 7:43:44 AM
Barry's analogy is flawed because Hamster's are solitary creatures that will attack each other if living in the same cage.

A gerbil analogy, that one would work, because they prefer to share their space with one or more other gerbils as long as there is enough physical room for the number of animals cohabitating, oh, and don't go past four, they freak out and fight, go figure.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 7 (view)
 
Depression
Posted: 11/20/2009 7:40:51 AM
I think you could kind of do both with this OP. Cut contact with her but keep contact with the friends and if they see other behaviors outside her not talking to them as much, you always have the ability to pick up the phone or send an e-mail asking how she is.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 38 (view)
 
Confused by my hormones - having sex with boyfriend for first time
Posted: 11/20/2009 7:37:25 AM

If you were so "HONEST" you would have included this in your question along with other things, which you did not. I am sorry if you were the chubby girl or whatever you said in highschool, but, you are 28 now! Do you think many other girls didn't go through this stage too? Tons did & paid the price. Lot's went through a lot worse, but I guess what is so bad to you is just that, we are all different & since we are not in "highschool" anymore, it's time to move on. Maybe look into getting some therapy. Wish you were honest & said you were a virgin the first time you asked your question.

Who pissed in your Wheaties today? Last time I checked most people who have not experienced the rites of passage when other people do, or someone that has an issue with BJs or whatever, is embarrassed partially because they feel they are too old to be having the issues.


Ive been dating this guy for 2 months, and we have been going slow for my sake - I'm a virgin, and he's a really nice guy and doesn't want to pressure me. I am very confused by my hormones, or feelings, or whatever you want to call it.

This was the first thing written in the OP so perhaps you could lose some of the venom when it is quite apparent that you cannot read.

OP, if you are going to continue to post to the forums, I suggest you nix most of your e-mail criteria. People that are outside your age range or country cannot e-mail you off the thread.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 37 (view)
 
Confused by my hormones - having sex with boyfriend for first time
Posted: 11/20/2009 7:32:48 AM
Jen, keep seeing this guy, he sounds like good people. Don't let yourself feel like you missed an opportunity, doesn't the man live someplace as well? Why would you have to have sex at your home unless he too isn't living by himself.

Google is your friend. You feel unsure about the hand job, the blow job, and the sex, do some googling and learn what others have to share about doing these things and doing them well. You feel more confident because you have made changes in your life, if you have some information about things you are really embarrassed at this point not to know, it will make it easier and you will have more fun when you do feel okay moving forward.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 36 (view)
 
Wants to know about past realationship
Posted: 11/20/2009 7:22:12 AM
OP, no one can read his mind I surmise that he is concerned about your judgment and whether you are blowing smoke up his ass about this guy.

And here's the thing, put yourself in his shoes. You commented that he went to jail for something he did long before you knew him. One, this was probably said so that he would not think your judgment was totally whacked, i.e. the type of behavior that landed him in jail was long in the past and the jail guy was a different man when you met him.

This brings up the problem is that if he is paying today for his past, you might NOT be done with him, and it is really a good question imo on your new guy's part. Either you are the type of person that won't forgive a past indiscretion or you might be amenable to hooking back up with this man when he gets out.

If you are the type of person that when you found out that this guy was going to jail, you broke it off, and you aren't even considering whether he might be willing to wait for. This would suggest that your relationship with new guy could go merrily along until you found out one thing that really didn't impact your life with him but that you had a problem with and break it off without any going back, not necessarily a situation I would want to set myself up for.

Or, you knew about the past history and didn't really consider the advisability of being with the jail guy. Or, that you really may not be done with him if this past stuff is the only issue between you. And if the man has changed from the behavior he is currently paying for and you had a good relationship, how long is the man in? Is he not worth waiting for because of something he did long ago?


Rather than being cynical about his motives, perhaps he really likes you and thinks this could be an important relationship in his life. Since he knows there's a potential problem he may be anxious to understand it in the hope that it's nothing to worry about.

How about that? Maybe he's not an evil, meddling control-freak, just a nice guy hoping that you're as nice as you seem.

Amen

And Carolann as usual makes a very good point, you chose to disclose the information and you do need to do the full disclosure thing because you will either find out things are cool with the new guy or your aren't suited, not a bad thing.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 45 (view)
 
why do people feel like they need someone in their life .
Posted: 11/20/2009 7:11:02 AM
I think this is again one of those things that either extreme is probably not good. If you think you need someone in your life, you are probably going to find someone you are not suited to. If you totally don't care, you aren't going to be out there to find someone with whom you are compatible.

If you really feel this way, why not volunteer, particularly with kids, there are many, many of those that need someone to love them and do things for them. Perhaps you would meet a quality man with the same mindset that way.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 11 (view)
 
Meant to be alone
Posted: 11/20/2009 7:09:18 AM
Keep the stiff upper lip or buy two cats that aren't fixed, cheaper expanding the cat collection that way.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 18 (view)
 
Finding Out How Interested He Is...And Why
Posted: 11/20/2009 7:08:02 AM
The notion that women are complex and men are simple really is like saying that men are too stupid to be complex and given the problems I have had unraveling male behavior that makes no sense, total horse shit anyway.

What you are encountering is an advertisement, dealing with women understanding men because women are more likely to buy the product, simple as that.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 20 (view)
 
Dating a Single Mother - Advice
Posted: 11/20/2009 6:40:53 AM

Yeah, you are getting way ahead of yourself. What makes you think she is going to fall all over you and want to marry?

How many threads on here when you boil it down to the basics really stem from one or both people not thinking about what they could be getting into. Oh, it looks like the person has an alcohol problem but I'll date him/her because it's only dating right? I'm not ready for a relationship but it is okay, it's only dating, then they find themselves in the middle of a relationship they are not ready to have and don't know what the fuk to do, duh.

Yes, castigate someone for thinking down the road to whether an insta-family is something he would be a valuable inclusion in. I am in my mid-forties and one of the first e-mails I sent in response to someone who has no kids was really telling him what he would potentially be getting into should we actually click and something develop. He didn't think me a whack job and appreciated my frank presentation of the somewhat ordered chaos that is my life.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 19 (view)
 
Dating a Single Mother - Advice
Posted: 11/20/2009 5:26:05 AM

OP, as a single man w/ no kids this makes you extremely eligible and marketable in the dating scene, and you should not waste your coveted status on dating single moms. There are plenty of single women w/ no kids around your age that are stunning, cool, educated, and funny, and don't come with a single mom stigma. They would love to start a life with men like yourself. Relationships should be about you and that person. Not you, the person, her kids, her ex, her kids cousins, her kids grandparents, her single mom life, etc....

What a douche.


This one sounds like she has her crap together. At that age, most people don't.

Oddly enough for many people, the responsibility of a child propels them to get their shit together at a younger age.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 26 (view)
 
Althetic Child, wants to be in soccor, but shared visitation makes that impossible, suggestions?
Posted: 11/19/2009 5:21:24 PM
Any way you could give him some time during the week to compensate for what he would be giving up on the weekend. It is a shame he wasn't more amenable to the whole thing, some of the best and/or most productive times I have had talking to my kids was in driving them where they needed to go, watching practices and games.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 14 (view)
 
Dating a Single Mother - Advice
Posted: 11/19/2009 5:13:34 PM
You sound like a decent guy. I think for most people, the relationship deepens at a normal pace and as you become more a part of her life you will also become a part of his and you will find that you aren't shoved aside but considered with the child, if that makes sense.

You can also help yourself out a lot in making sure she has the time and energy to be with you by helping her out with whatever so instead of going full tilt till 11 pm to handle everything, maybe she's done by 9:00 and you can have a couple of quality hours together.

In the beginning, she isn't going to want to mix time with you with time with her son but I assume that she has babysitters and will be able to work time for you into her life. As it becomes apparent that you are going to stick around, she won't need to make a choice because the three of you can do things together, etc.

With the commitments with the boy, most of those should be scheduled so if she is not able to hook up because something has come up with her son, that might be a problem. I usually know what my children's schedules are and if I make plans with that in mind I am probably going to tell them no if taking them somewhere invades the time I set aside for myself.

This particular woman sounds like she is really on the ball and I would say that in some ways the dating timeline might be shorter. She already likes you and you know something about each other. She has prescreened you in her head and she knows what she wants for her son and her and I don't think would invite you into her life if she didn't see potential.

It is interesting, most of your post is about dealing with her issues and then you bring up sort of as an aside that you don't want to bail on her because you aren't ready. What aren't you ready for hun? If she's good people, you'll figure it out so maybe what your problem is is needing to talk to her about how she thinks she can handle her time commitments with her son and dating. That's the answer I think you need to hear.

Something you should also talk about is what you would like to do should the relationship not work out. Are you the type of man to continue to spend time with her boy even if things don't work out with the two of you? If that is the case, you won't be breaking that attachment. I think a good thing to do would be perhaps to look at your OP and figure out what conversation you need to have with her. I would certainly appreciate a man I was considering dating letting me know he was thinking about me and my kids and not wanting to do anything to hurt anybody, and go from there.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 292 (view)
 
Question for Torquoise Pixie (and anyone else)
Posted: 11/19/2009 5:02:41 PM

First of all, I'd like to say that it is not only the Jehovahs Witness version of the Bible that is filled with rape, murder and violence but pretty much any version you can find (King James or whatever). God has always been depicted as vengeful, jealous, murderous entity in any of the Old Testament version I've read and given that religion's best ally into converting people is fear, well, that's not a surprise.

I don't think that was even at issue, but I certainly wouldn't want anyone focusing on those Bible stories when my kids weren't really big enough to think for themselves, etc. I don't think telling your child that it is okay for him/her to have opinions is either supporting or rejecting atheism.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 291 (view)
 
Question for Torquoise Pixie (and anyone else)
Posted: 11/19/2009 1:18:02 PM

As soon as you helped me see the gross inequality in real terms rather than in "feeling" terms, the only option was as I stated.

I think this is like the separate but equal doctrine being shot down by the Supreme Court. Outside of the tangible things that caused you to view this differently, by requiring that people having the exact same relationship call it one thing and not another based on sexual orientation is inherently unequal and consequently does violate the Constitution's tenets.

Some people won't live with someone outside of the confines of marriage and in most states given common law statutes, there is no real legal distinction that cannot be acquired living with the person, it is the social and perhaps religious standing in the marriage that is important to them.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 33 (view)
 
2nd chance... yes or no
Posted: 11/18/2009 7:37:48 PM

Well, my G/F and I were broken up for over a year...
The way it worked for us was a combination of things...
1... The original issue is no more....
2... We talked, communicated and made a concerted effort to UNDERSTAND what the other was saying....
3... We set out rules for the short term.... things we would talk about, things we would not allow between us (ie recriminations... or reopening old wounds)
4... A time limit to decide if it was working or not...
5... We WORKED AT IT. Both of us. Very hard.
6... And we didn't give up

Kudos my friend.

Squiggly lady, what is absent from the OP's description is whether she likes this guy, whether he brings anything positive to her life. In your devil's advocate post, you described a situation in which the person being responsible for those adult things may have become a killjoy, and it's a valid question. But I didn't hear her describing that the drinking thing was an isolated incident and he was otherwise and attentive boyfriend, etc.

I am all for trying to fix things if they can be fixed but perhaps this single event that broke the camel's back for the OP was characteristic of typical irresponsible behavior in many areas. If this is the case, perhaps the OP would like to have fun as well but cannot because it costs money to clean up his messes. Years ago my first husband thought he could occasionally withdraw money from the account when something came up without telling me consequently we wound up paying returned check fees on more than one occasion.

So my suggestion to the OP because it sure helps me to see things on paper is do that old and tired list of things that are positive and negative about your relationship with this man exactly as it was because if you attempt a reconciliation while you will want to do the let the past stay in the past stuff mentioned by Church, you must also acknowledge that after things are "back to normal," you may very likely find that he changed just long enough to get you back.

Don't go into things expecting or indeed looking for negatives. If you choose to give it another go don't blow off things that come up in order to keep the peace and not get back to the fighting you previously experienced. If there is an issue address it, this alone will tell you a great deal about whether you two are really compatible long-term.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 32 (view)
 
2nd chance... yes or no
Posted: 11/18/2009 7:23:27 PM
You worked long and hard, for two and a half months?

Anywho, if you had to work to get your sense of self after two years, yikes, you really need to think about this relationship and beyond whether he has an alcohol problem which is certainly the case if he downed the rent money. Doesn't have jack to do with how much he cares for you, bottle trumped responsibilities, not a good thing.

So, if you want a do-over ask him if he will stop drinking. If not, go on with your life.

If you do give it a go, you need to make sure you know what your boundaries are and your deal breakers. If he drinks away the rent money again, what is your plan? Are you prepared to become co-dependent and safeguard against his doing things like that by not allowing him to have access to money? If the stupid thing he does that negatively impacts your life is something other than drinking away the rent money, what is your plan?

Do you want to marry this man, have his children? I'm assuming that those are things you might want to do in the future, what is the point in getting back together if he really isn't the type of man you would want your kids to call dad.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 44 (view)
 
Is it Wrong to call a woman handsome?
Posted: 11/18/2009 7:17:50 PM
I can understand what you may have been going for and I think it is similar to someone that could be described as statuesque and it could also refer I think to someone that is pretty but you don't notice immediately if that makes any sense. They tend to be understated and it is not perhaps until the personality shines through that you do notice how pretty the facial features are, etc.

I don't know why someone would get mad or gripe at you about using the term although I suspect if you told a woman she was handsome unless she knew you very well it might not go over. I wouldn't worry about it, you know what you meant. If you have actually put your foot in your mouth talking to rather than about someone, find someone who fits this description for you.

I think in some ways the term could be used to describe Sandra Bullock even though she is very attractive and not unfeminine, but she has a sort of wholesome look about her that really hasn't changed even as she approaches 50. Muriel Hemingway, Cheryl Tiegs, and many others could have/are described as handsome women and it would not be inaccurate or derogatory.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 21 (view)
 
What should i do?
Posted: 11/18/2009 5:52:21 PM
Outside of your age and the disposable nature of society, any reason you don't want to rekindle things with your current girlfriend? Has she changed, have you changed.

Your problem is you are afraid that the new girlie isn't going to be around in six months. Find her a roommate, or suck it up for six months. Finish what you're in before you start something else.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 276 (view)
 
I WAS WRONG.
Posted: 11/18/2009 5:37:45 PM


All our sexual ACTIVITY is chosen.



Thank you. I am glad someone can admit that.

You inadvertently answered my question because you believe that homosexuality is a life choice rather than biologically determined.

The portion you quoted, sexual activity is chosen, is correct, but sexual orientation is not, imo.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 49 (view)
 
I am breaking up with BF Today! Had ENOUGH
Posted: 11/18/2009 4:54:45 PM
OP, I suspect the thread might have been looking a bit for someone to tell you that maybe you shouldn't give up. If you were looking for a little support to muster up the nerve to break things off, I think you've gotten it.

If you decide to stay, anything that you continue to experience along these lines you shouldn't b!tch about.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 34 (view)
 
Explaining to a Child why a parent is absent
Posted: 11/18/2009 11:43:53 AM
Not reading the whole thread, you should take down the pictures of his father, period. It is okay to have them in a photo album and later if your child wants a picture of dad in his room but setting them out around the house is just stupid imo and this is why.

My sterling ex-husband knocked up the ex-girlfriend who got preggers because she thought he would stick around. She didn't bank on him hating her enough to deny his own kid so the paternity suit ensued. He paid for the DNA test because she had apparently at some time used public services so instead of the rest of us who must pay our own way, she receive no fee services from the AG's office. Interestingly enough she continued to use those services 10 years later when she decided she wanted an increase whereas the rest of us would have to pony up the money for filing feels at least and the lawyer if necessary.

So, she insists that the kid have her father's name. So despite the fact that her idiot mother married when she was around 5, she was reminded every day of her life that she had a father that didn't want to have anything to do with her. Being odd folks and no longer afraid that her crazy mother might harm my children, when she was 10 we tried to establish visitation. That never seemed to work out and although my daughter and I tried to explain to her how she was actually really lucky to have been spared growing up with her bipolar biological father in her life, she didn't get it. We tried to get her to do things with the family explaining that because he is a railroad engineer and generally not on board for doing anything he doesn't want to do, she could get to know him when she was around us and he was home. She always wanted him to make some sort of huge gesture that he was never going to make. If my daughter had not threatened to stop speaking to him he would never have later established any communication with the girl. How is it that a teenager that has a great stepdad that has been there most of her life can have such a huge hole in her heart related to her biological father?

I'm guessing because her mother CHOSE to have the child have his last name and she was each and every single day reminded of that rejection. Putting up pictures in your house and saying this is daddy is inviting questions with answers that are going to hurt no matter how you slice it. Put those pictures away and the kid can feel wholly good about himself for a while longer. He will soon enough find out the father he has and I think it would be much easier to integrate dad into his life should his dad decide he wants to be one if he hasn't been made into some imaginary person by the child.

Now, here's what I truly don't understand from my ex's situation? The woman that had the child, her mother was married, the husband was overseas, and mom screwed around with a useless waste of oxygen that never acknowledged being her father. The one time he did when she was around 18 he told her that she was just another _____ to him. Now, why in God's name would someone experience that and then essentially intentionally put their own child through the same thing.

The same charming woman took him back to court six months before the kid turned 18 to get her child support raised and then was surprised when he opted out of keeping her on medical insurance while she was in college, go figure.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 4 (view)
 
What do I do?
Posted: 11/18/2009 8:38:26 AM
If they are your friends, are they not aware that you are depressed? If not, tell them, if they are your friends, they will try to help you.

Get therapy. Depression isn't necessarily something you can shake off and you need to figure out whether you are going through a blue period or you may need meds to overcome it.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 6 (view)
 
I am breaking up with BF Today! Had ENOUGH
Posted: 11/18/2009 8:34:37 AM
The man doesn't even have a foot in the relationship. I can't begin to imagine if he really cares for you but it seems he has found a companion for a day and a half and a shag without much investment.

Life's way too short to feel like you aren't even on someone's list.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 29 (view)
 
Keeping the profile open after you've become serious
Posted: 11/18/2009 8:32:30 AM

The site is for more than just looking for someone. It's got the forums you can do even if you're with someone, just to yak. It has lots of pictures that are fun for imagining people really being that small. The blue background helps prevent seizures. The faint smell of abundant fish evokes fond maritime memories. He might not be looking to replace you as his mostly imaginary online love interest, with someone he can actually be with in person every day, or even sleep with nights. Put that out of your mind.

 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 56 (view)
 
Is being yourself really good advice?
Posted: 11/18/2009 8:19:17 AM
Some people exude sex appeal, even if people misread it, look at Rock Hudson. I think Clooney appeals to women because he is a sexy man, you can see a bit of little boy in him and I think a sort of sadness but he enjoys and seems to really live his life. That shit's kind of attractive.

The comedic timing is also kind of endearing too, and I don't even really get that jazzed over Clooney.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 30 (view)
 
Why do men seem distant?
Posted: 11/18/2009 8:14:59 AM


I was seeing this girl. Things going great. But then I hit a financial imbroglio.
Nothing bad. Just stuff that had to be dealt with. Crimped my dating.

Being used to Dallas women who bail at the least sign of
imperfection in a guy....I totally backed off from the girl I was seeing.
Or so I explained that to myself. Just cut off all contact. Had to deal with stuff.
Crawled into my man cave and shut the door.
Didn't need the distraction. yada, yada........yada


This happens all too often. Smart women know when this is going on.

However... the most interesting thing about this behavior is... once a guy comes out of his cave... and realizes exactly what he's done... there's still no actual owning of it.
Because of it... Ive never resumed contact with a guy who's done it.

To me... there's twofold reason.
One is that he was so self absorbed to do it in the first place
Second is that if he doesnt own it... its almost a guarantee he'll do it again
Cant have a relationship with someone who shuts themself off and out of a relationship on a whim, with no explaination and no responsibility to how that impacts the other person.

Yup
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 11 (view)
 
Anyone had to subject a child 6 or older to surgery?
Posted: 11/18/2009 7:50:50 AM

I have nothing to add to the wonderful advice you've gotten OP - I just want to send you my hopes that this surgery is the last and is quick and successful. :)

Amen and sorry that I forgot to add this with my post.

Karmic is also correct with the fear no matter the age. I was sooo freaked about the potential for a c-section because outside the tonsils, I had never had surgery. Having had 3 sections and a hysterectomy, it seems like old hat now, but at the time, not so much. Permission to be angry, afraid, important to validate the little one's feelings as he works through things before the surgery and after.

Kitkat also makes a very good point the child sensing what you feel. Even if you are blowing smoke up your own butt from the standpoint of being afraid or whatever, you need to make yourself believe that everything will be fine so that he doesn't get the feeling from you that you are saying one thing and thinking another, i.e. not telling him something. You are the soft place to land.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 7 (view)
 
Anyone had to subject a child 6 or older to surgery?
Posted: 11/18/2009 1:04:27 AM
I have found that trying to be as truthful as possible is the best way to handle most things with your kids. He doesn't remember the pain of the operations because our bodies and minds are designed to forget such things beyond knowing we don't want to do them again. If we didn't have this capacity I think there might be more only children in the world.

There are several things I would do. First, I would take him to a hospital as quickly as possible when it is not related to meeting with the surgeon or any of the pre-op things like the lab work. He may not remember the last surgery with any clarity but the sense of smell in particular can trigger things. Find a reason to go to the hospital and observe his behavior. If he starts acting funky, he probably remembers the previous surgery on some level and this can help guide you with what you should or shouldn't tell him.

Without knowing anything more than what you mentioned in the OP, it is difficult to give you suggestions. Certainly if the surgery is going to be corrective in the cosmetic sense rather than solely addressing palate function, you should be able to find some photographs on the internet of before and after pictures of other children with the same condition. Looking through those and knowing your own child, you can gauge whether you should stick to photos with similar appearance to your son or if he is the type of kid that seeing what they can do with kids who need more repair can be something that can be a positive part of the outcome. i.e. fixing this child was a really hard job what the doctor needs to fix your condition should be a lot easier for him to do.

I don't know anything about this condition but I assume you do so part of this is finding age appropriate ways to explain why he needs the surgery and that even though the surgery will cause him pain, as parents doing what is best for him, he just has to have it. I think with my kids, even if they do not totally understand what I am telling them like how fixing it is going to make eating, talking, or something else better and that not fixing it the problem is going to get worse, they accept that there is some logical reason for something they obviously would rather not do.

Now would also be a good time to explain to him why we have doctors. Depending on his more recent medical history, well visits, shots, any kind of contact with the doctor. Explain that doctors help us to make sure that we are being healthy but they also know how to fix problems like colds and some doctors are special doctors that fix other kind of problems. Telling him that doctors go to school for a really long time and work very hard so that they can know what people need to be healthier, etc.

You don't want your child afraid and/or freaked out but you also don't want to put him in the position of sugar coating what this is going to be like and then he wakes up and is like wtf, my parents totally lied to me. Trust is imo an important component of the relationship we have with our kids. If we blow smoke up their rears particularly with an issue as serious as this, they are going to give more thought to whether your knowledge of or input into different situations in the future is a good thing for them. From the child's perspective you were not honest with them and they then cannot count on you to be honest in the future.

I think trying to give him some type of reference for pain he has experienced recently, telling him that it is going to hurt but that the surgery itself will not hurt, he will not feel that when it happens but he will hurt afterward but that the hurt will not last a really long time. If he asks how long specifically as he is old enough to grasp time frames, you need to be honest with him, but also let him know that they will give him medicine to help it to hurt a lot less until it doesn't hurt at all.

I would also make really, really sure you get good information from your doctor about whether this will be the last surgery and/or what happens if the surgery does not go well, and the necessary repairs are not there. At the same time you are trying to realistically prepare him, think of those things that will give him comfort. Mom and dad will be as close as we can while you are in the surgery, find out if the hospital will allow you to sit with him in recovery. I was older, like 12, when I had my tonsils out and while it was a brief period, I remember waking up in the recovery room and I think with a younger child it would be comforting if mom or dad were there even if it is really only a few seconds. If he has some sort of special blanket, toy or other things that can be brought to the hospital to make it seem more like home, let him know those things will happen.

With a child this young you could also tell him about people that will come to see him in the hospital, any perks at any point like ice cream, missing school for a while. You have to put on the thinking cap of a 6-year-old for things that will help to compensate for the downside of the surgery/recovery.

Also, try to anticipate every question he could possibly ask from how long is the surgery, recovery, what will I be able to do after I get out of the hospital, etc. so that you have ready answers to those questions but also tell him when you don't know but that you will find out the answer and let him know as soon as you do. I think the one thing I would flat out lie to my kids about if I were in your shoes is if he asks if he could die. With a 6-year-old hopefully he will not have a clue that things happen in surgery but yes, if one of mine asked if the surgery could turn tragic, I would tell them that it is not going to happen.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 51 (view)
 
Complicated Girl Question
Posted: 11/18/2009 12:38:16 AM
You sound like a girl, maybe she doesn't like to text, or she may be busy. My kids set my phone so that it couldn't be heard in church and I often get texts I don't know are there for hours because if a call comes in, the message that there is a text doesn't come back on my screen.

Here's a thought, why don't you just chill out, spend some more time with her and if you still feel like she doesn't give a rat's butt about communicating with you on a regular basis tell her that you are confused and could she clarify if she sees your dating possibly building to a relationship.

Or you could buy a crystal ball because conjecture as to her motives is somewhat ludicrous since we don't know her, how your dates went, or the content of the texts that she should be responding to more quickly.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 21 (view)
 
Dumped/Back together advice ???
Posted: 11/18/2009 12:28:37 AM
Sounds to me like you are more worried about your pride than whether you love this girl. You were not together, it is not cheating. Cheating happens when you are together, not when you are broken up. Is this a difficult concept? You don't think her feelings are real unless she is sitting in her room crying over you? That illustrates a great deal of love on your part.

Love is not something that functions on a timetable, it is not a train, it is a relationship that grows and evolves as the people in it grow and evolve both as individuals and as a couple.

Good God, read your post. You kept the poor chick at arm's length for a year. Then you yank your head out of your butt when you have pretty much intentionally tanked the relationship. So you decide you love her when she thinks things are totally hopeless and you believe she cheated on you because she did not enter a convent while you were apart.

You don't trust her, you have issues that have not one thing to do with her, you should get help for them whether you continue this train wreck or break up for good.



1. No sleeping around occurred.
2. My profile is currently hidden so its not like Ive been active for the purpose of meeting people to date.

Jesus, your OP is riddled with she cheated, she cheated, and here you are saying she didn't cheat, so what exactly is your problem? And after someone brought up your profile, anyone with half a brain would have changed it to not single/not looking, friends or talk/e-mail. Not changing it is pretty illustrative of how committed you are to this do-over. Perhaps she is smart enough to recognize that you are full of shit and as soon as you have her hooked again you will once again be the guy with one foot in the relationship.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 20 (view)
 
Why do men seem distant?
Posted: 11/18/2009 12:22:47 AM
Since your post is convoluted, did you start dating these guys and sometime after intimacy they backed away? There could be dozens of valid reasons that do not necessarily suggest the guy is a player or that your picker is broken. People often do not know who they are or what they want and sometimes when they are in the middle of what they thought they wanted, they either discover they don't feel as strongly about you as they thought or that they need some time alone, whatever.

You have to listen to what people say but also what they do. If you stop seeing each other, then you weren't meant to be together which allows you to be available when the right guy shows up. Wondering about his motivations, etc. are not going to matter worth a hill of beans because if you figure out what the deal was with one guy the next guy is going to have different stuff going on.

Be yourself, try to use both your brain and heart when choosing who you spend time with and recognize that it takes quite a bit of weeding to find the keeper. Usually it is the guy that six months down the road is the same guy you met and started caring for rather than someone who is not remotely who he or you thought he was.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 22 (view)
 
She is confusing me
Posted: 11/18/2009 12:14:48 AM
She actually either means what she says and enjoys talking to you or she wants you to talk her into being her girlfriend because she has low self-esteem. Either way, it doesn't look like she is going to be your future girlfriend so you can either go meet the chick and see if face time can help you figure things out or deal with the friend you have.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 47 (view)
 
Is being yourself really good advice?
Posted: 11/18/2009 12:09:59 AM
We watched the movie The Ugly Truth the other night. It was interesting, the chick follows the formula to get the guy but the person she was to get the guy wasn't who she was, so what did she really get? Yes, she got exactly the type of guy she thought she wanted but how much fun is your life going to be when you either reveal yourself to be everything he doesn't want or you have to pretend forever to be something you're not?

One way will result in endless fighting because the two people are really like vinegar and water. Or, you exhaust yourself trying to remember who you are supposed to be.

Yup, I'm thinking being as much of yourself from the get go as you possibly can is probably a better means of finding someone that you are actually compatible with.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 22 (view)
 
How long do you keep fighting?
Posted: 11/18/2009 12:04:57 AM
If the person is the one, I tend to believe that they will stick in it with you. She has clearly checked out on the relationship and why the hell would you even not just wipe the slate clean when you both cheated, that is really fuked up.

Neither one of you were willing to start from that day forward because it was more important to be right and be indignant. Perhaps the problem arose when you wouldn't let it go, she got sick of butting her head against a wall and when the new b.s. arose with the other guy, she figured that you were going to throw the whole thing in her face potentially for the rest of her life. That sounds like fun doesn't it?

Again, I think she has already checked out of the relationship but it is difficult to give up the habit and she may still love you on some level but yannow, love isn't always enough. Maybe you should make a clean break of things for a period of time you both determine, both agree NOT to see anybody during that period and should you both decide you do love each other and want to put the petty bullshit aside, you might have a snowball's chance in hell of pasting things back together.

If you were to take that route, I would recommend getting into counseling if you decide to give it another go. I think it will take more than an act of will on both your parts to really forgive each other and regain the trust you not only lost but jumped up and down on until you were really sure it was dead.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 14 (view)
 
Keeping the profile open after you've become serious
Posted: 11/17/2009 11:49:08 PM
So you put up your profile in April, how many months is several months and Landra is correct, just have the conversation and either figure out that he has reasons to be here that do not include trolling for chicks or break up with the guy because you don't trust him. Regardless of whether he deserves it or not.


Dude why does everyone here ridicule when people are looking for answers. I've been out of the dating world for quite a while. As I said before I hid my profile when we started dating, but when I found out he was still using the site I unhid it. I guess we are all insecure. Who has time to read all the posts on a forum??

People are ridiculing a topic that has been done over and over because you could have gotten the answer to your question by doing a thread search because there are dozens with exactly the same circumstances as yours.

Now, as for the repost I quoted. Did it occur to you that since you obviously haven't talked about the site, etc. that hiding the profile or removing it entirely to someone that wouldn't get so serious to consider marriage inside six months could be concerned about whether hiding or removing the profile would be presumptuous?

The last relationship I was in I actually had a brief period during which time I felt I should alter my profile to reflect the relationship but I wasn't sure exactly where he was with things and I didn't want what I felt was appropriate at the time to somehow be perceived as subtle pressure to move forward with the relationship when he may not have been ready. I solved my problem by telling him that I was making the change to the profile because of how I felt and not because I expected anything or was trying to "tell" him something with the change.

Worked for me, and is likely going to be more productive than asking us to figure out why he is on here, or if like you, he gets on and off to see if you are here. Yannow, not every connection on this site is romantic. Some people even if they do not participate in the forums, have developed friendships with someone that perhaps one or the other contacted with the intent of a romantic connection, that wasn't there, but they enjoyed talking to each other so hellooo, they get on site to talk to friends.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 247 (view)
 
Condoning Atheism
Posted: 11/17/2009 2:24:06 PM
Open Heart, why does it matter to you so much that same-sex unions are not called marriage?

If your assertion that they can do whatever they want with the legal unions that are btw, not allowed in all states, but they should not be able to be considered marriage, it is a distinction, not a legal one, but a social one.

If it is not depriving them of a right then we should discontinue the use of the word marriage and not allow heterosexuals to marry either.

I'm not trying to be antagonistic with the question I just don't get it. If you supposedly are not opposed to homosexual unions being legally recognized why is it important to differentiate the exact same relationship with the exception of the shape of body parts and how sexual acts occur relative heterosexual and homosexual union?

It doesn't make sense to me and I think this is why people that are not opposed to gay marriage cannot understand the position of those that are who say the same things you have in this discussion.
 
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