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HopeulGal

Joined: 6/3/2009

Msg: 18 (view)

Prenant & Seeking Male for Long Term Relationship Posted: 6/13/2009 5:41:38 PM
I agree that pregnancy probably isn't the best time to be dating. I mean if a woman is pregnant, she needs to focus on her pregnancy, the health and well-being of her unborn child, getting enough rest, and eat nutritiously. I certainly wouldn't be thinking about dating if I were a single pregnant Mom. I'd be thinking about I was going to support my child.

HopeulGal

Joined: 6/3/2009

Msg: 28 (view)

why are men reluctant to get involved with someone who has kids Posted: 6/12/2009 1:02:11 PM
Hopeulgal. Your responses are meaningless because they only reflect your life. What you are failing to recognize is that you're a lot smarter, more self disciplined, and you've got your shit together more than most other single mothers I've met or talked to in my life. For the -vast majority- of women, the items you ticks off are valid concerns. Additionally, we're selfish creatures. You mentioned that with biological children (or perhaps adopted in my case) those issues still need to be adressed. That's true - doesn't change the fact that many of us don't want to go through it with another man's kid(s). Just keep the 19 year old "model" single mother who posted another thread in mind. -Josh You have a really valid point there Josh! I guess to a degree, that I can see where a man who doesn't want to deal with someone else's children would absolutely have these concerns. I'm sure it can definitely be a frustrating venture to say the least. In fact, as a woman I've been on that side of the spectrum with my ex-husband. (not my daughter's father.) When we got married, he had a two year old little boy. I was very young, and the last thing I wanted to do was compete for his attention. After a few months, I realized it wasn't always about me (not saying that I'm better than anyone else, please don't take it that way.) and we were able to interact as a family. I did have those fears of "what if I'm not important too?" and I did end up entertaining the little guy while his father laid on the sofa. I also made arrangements with his bio-mom to take him for two weeks in the summer so we could have more time with him. There is no doubt, that it is a very very stressful thing (or it can be) depending on the parents involved. I'm somewhat brain fried today, so I hope this comes out right. :) The "19 year old model" seriously has me extremely concerned.

HopeulGal

Joined: 6/3/2009

Msg: 22 (view)

why are men reluctant to get involved with someone who has kids Posted: 6/12/2009 4:18:03 AM
Since this thread is a bit redundant, I guess I can re-post answer I posted in a similar thread... For a man, dating a woman with kids may mean: 1... No overnight stays... - maybe not maybe so. Each relationship is different. <div class="quote">2... Sudden cancellations to plans... I've been sitting down to a great dinner in a nice restaurant and we have to drop everything and leave for a kid emergency... - This can happen even when the children are yours biologically. <div class="quote">3... Kids may do whatever they can to ruin your relationship (See #2) Including accusations of just about anything. - Sadly, I've seen this happen with resentful teens. With older children not so much, with toddlers and preschoolers not at all. <div class="quote">4... You get to put up with all the flak the kids want to give you, but you are unable to have any say, discipline or argument on the matter... They can be little angels when mommy is watching and Satan incarnate when she's not there... - my perspective : if a relationship I am in has gotten serious enough to where the man is around my child, then YES he absolutely can correct my child. Heck, how will she learn to be respectful to other adults otherwise? <div class="quote">5... Anything you do costs more... Dinner in nice restaurants for 2 becomes dinner at McDonalds for 4... Hotels, don't ask... maybe need two rooms? or larger suite...? - The same can be said for a couple that has their own children. Unless the couple has found a sitter for the weekend... Forget McDonalds. Yuck. A picnic lunch is inexpensive, fun, and more nutritious. And why on earth would it have to turn into McDonalds? This is just my experience with my own daughter, but she likes veggies and good food. For her age she has a rather sophisticated palate. <div class="quote">6... You and your girlfriend are welcome at your friend's cottages... You and your girlfriend and her kids are NOT welcome at your friend's cottages... - Can't argue this one, as I have no experience with it. Depends on the friends, how well behaved the child is, etc. <div class="quote">7... Like walking around naked when it's just you and your G/F? Well, no more.... because it's never "just you and your G/F" anymore... - the same can be said of a couple who has children together. And if a man is dating a woman with kids, then it's never really been "just you and your girlfriend" has it? <div class="quote">8... Depending on the age of the kids, and their bedtimes determines what you do even if it's only watching television.... Arguments over what to watch are more interesting when you get to choose between Sesame Street or the Game.... You cannot win no matter the outcome.... - Thus, the reason my daughter has a video collection and TV in her own room. Bed time is at a set time, and she may not come out unless she has to go potty. Excuses and dawdling are met with reprimands and loss of priviledge. It doesn't happen very often. This is not a no win situation for the dating couple. Sorry. Adult time is adult time. <div class="quote">9... If the kids get sick, EVERYONE gets sick! And Kids do get sick a lot....- Likewise the child can become sick by adults who bring viruses into the home unknowingly. This too can happen with any couple who has children together. Can't remember the last time my daughter was actually sick. <div class="quote">10. Nothing kills the mood like having the kids open the door without knocking.... or the threat of it happening... - Solution to that. Place a pressure mounted baby gate at the door, or a latch on the inside of the door. Wait until after the kid is in bed before you have intimate moments. Even with biological children couples have to work around this. It's just something that happens. <div class="quote">11. Money is usually tighter... if not for you, for her... - The economy has tightened things up for everyone. There are plenty of activities and options that don't require a lot of cash. Imagination and creativity are the key. <div class="quote">12. Get used to meeting the kids father all the time if he's around... and oddly enough, he may not like you... If you're not big on meeting your G/F's ex lovers, this can be a strain... - Hmm.. depends on the circumstances. That one is a touch and go and every situation is different. <div class="quote">13. Get used to hearing all about him... the kids love to tell you all the great things he does for them.... - And likewise he would need to get used to hearing all about you and all the great things you do for them... <div class="quote">14. Get used to sometimes having to sit at home, while your G/F and her Ex go out together to do some kid related things.... - Just ick. Does this actually happen?! I wouldn't be caught dead going somewhere with my ex, unless it were to the emergency room because my child had hurt herself badly enough to need to go. <div class="quote">15. Your evening with your G/F doesn't really start until after the kid's bedtimes... or an hour or two and or a few interruptions later.... - Structure, discipline and good solid bedtime routine make for a child who is obedient and stays in bed. This too can happen when the children are the couples biologically. <div class="quote">16. Said evening means having the music or TV turned down low so as to not wake the little ones... - Alternative : turn on music in the child's room or some form of white noise. Currently I have Vivaldi's Four Seasons playing in my daughters room. Great background noise and she can't hear a darned thing. <div class="quote">17. Sometimes you will have to meet the kids grandparents from the Father's side... Oddly, they won't like you either... - Not necessarily true. The grandparents generally (at least from what I have seen) will like anyone who is a positive influence in their grandchild's life. <div class="quote">18. And consider this, if you do get involved long term with her and her kids... What happens to the kids if anything should happen to her...???? - That's something that would need to be determined prior to entering into a longterm relationship. That is a rough one and can't be the same for every individual. <div class="quote">The plus side: 1... Kids can be trained to retrieve a beer... - <div class="quote">2... Kids can be trained to do chores... - and they should be. This is what makes for responsible young adults later on down the road. <div class="quote">3... You can tell the kids stuff that you know will piss off her Ex when it gets back to him. - Why would anyone want to use the children as a pawn is beyond me. That's just wrong to a degree I can't describe. <div class="quote">4... You can leave the door unlocked when having sex, so the kids inadvertantly walk in.... (see #3 immediately above) - Again, why would you want to do this? <div class="quote">Then, also, how will getting involved with her affect her kid(s)? Will they get emotionally involved with the guy and vice versa....? There are just so many dynamics involved when dating a single mother.... it's a big decision and involves a lot more than taking a 'chance' on her.... it affects more than just the guy and the girl....it can and often does affect their futures even if they don't stay together... True enough. I'm one of those people who believes that no matter what, we always have an impact on people's lives around us, whether it be positive or negative. If a couple has gone far enough to have the children emotionally attached in such a way, then hopefully, they are considering marriage. <div class="quote">You have to realise that if you already have kids, you are quite likely limiting the possibility of having kids with the new guy... how so? If he doesn't want children that are not his own he can go elsewhere. Again, if a man doesn't want to date a woman with children, he shouldn't. <div class="quote">A lot of guys want their own kids too.... Is that so hard to understand....? Guys actually might want to further their bloodline so to speak... The by all means, let him further his bloodline. With a single woman with no children if he doesn't want ones not his own biologically. sigh This is getting redundant. <div class="quote">Supposing you already have 2 or 3 kids of your own.... Now, you want a relationship with a person who might want kids of his own... How many can you have with him? Hmm.... 1 kid? maybe... How about 2 kids? Hmmm That's really pushing it economically... 3 kids is probably out of the question for most couples... remember that gives you a total of 5 or 6 kids between you.... Remember, the more kids, you start thinking, a larger place to live, a bigger car or a van or a bus? Overall costs, for utilties skyrocket... (it's amazing how many showers /baths teenage girls take... - Well, at least they're clean) No lights/tv's ever get turned off... started putting in self-timered lights.... that helped... Don't even think about feeding them all... food costs are enormous... you leave a MacDonalds after feeding the whole lot - The manager comes and shakes your hand... not sure if it was because of the money we dropped, or simply that we were leaving and taking the kids with us.... don't even think of inviting their friends... So for a lot of couples, it ain't happening.... - What is with the McDonalds obsession? Home-cooked meals, picnics, cold cut smorgasboards, etc. are wonderful options for a family on a budget. Restaurants should be treats. Teach children to turn out lights, and televisions. If they are outside playing, you don't have to worry so much about the high costs of utilities. It does work. Get the whole family working together as a team. It can happen and does. <div class="quote">How about all you women who say you're DONE HAVING KIDS? Hmmm tough titty for the guy is that it? - If a man wants to have children, and the woman doesn't, don't date the gal. Simple as that. Find someone who is single with NO children who does want to have children with YOU. <div class="quote">And as for that "other guy"... Hmmm, Many women have no problem telling us about how the guy was a louse, a cheating *stard, a liar....an ass... a whatever... and THEN you want us to raise HIS kids with you....? Gee, thanks.... The last thing some of us want is a reminder of the guy that fcuked you (likely for years) before we came along.... got you pregnant....and then we get to pay for that reminder's upkeep and so forth... and then you don't want to have our kid(s).... Nice.... makes us feel so freaking special.... - Again, just ick. Unless the man I date wants to know specifics about my ex, I'm not giving them. That is not* a dynamic I want to have entering a relationship. What's done is done, and no amount of ex-bashing will change it. That and it's just not ladylike nor is it fair to the current relationship. <div class="quote">Even better, if he's still around, he comes over, shakes hands with us oh so very freaking nicely... and leaves us to raise his kids, and if we're really lucky, he might come by once a week to tell us how to do it... - Ugh, some guys may be like that. I just can't fathom it. Good thing my ex lives 3000 miles away. <div class="quote">And we're supposed to be nice and politically correct to this "guy" who did everything with you except raise the results of all that sperm he left in you.... He got you when you were young, and smooth skinned and innocent, and left you when you were older, jaded, with stretch marks and all the other little after effects of giving birth.... No wonder I saw a smirk on his face as he left..... - no one said anything about giving the guy a hug and a kiss and offering him a steak. Civility will do just fine. Thanks....

HopeulGal

Joined: 6/3/2009

Msg: 2 (view)

The Teflon Man.... Posted: 6/12/2009 3:06:56 AM
Alrighty, I got a bit of a chuckle out of the title of this thread and a distinct visual of a frying pan with a goatee. Am trying to think of how I want to phrase everything before I let my fingers fly free, so will be back to address this in a bit. Interesting thought.

HopeulGal

Joined: 6/3/2009

Msg: 869 (view)

Unplanned Pregnancy Doesn'Have to Lead to Birth or Parenthood Posted: 6/12/2009 1:39:49 AM
I came across this article not too long ago, and thought I'd toss in out here for some light reading. I have no idea how accurate it is and make no claims to it being complete. http://www.guttmacher.org/pubs/fb_induced_abortion.html It offers some graphs, statistics etc.

HopeulGal

Joined: 6/3/2009

Msg: 2 (view)

Should bio father be let back in childs life Posted: 6/12/2009 1:34:58 AM
Lord hun, I am so sorry that you were violated in that way. You have a beautiful child that came from that devastation and I don't know what I would do in your situation. The questions I would ask myself in this would be: 1. What are the ramifications that could come of letting someone who raped me into my child's life? 2. Could sexual abuse of my child be a possibility? 3. Has this person undergone couselling, behavior treatment? 4. Could I look at this person or let my child be in contact with this person without wondering if the same violations may be done to my child? 5. Would this be something that is healthy for my child in the long term? My questions for you are: 1. Why is this person suddenly wanting to enter your lives six years later aside from wanting to have contact with the child? 2. Have you been in contact with this person throughout the years? 3. Have YOU sought counselling over what has happened? I would seriously consider, if you are going to allow this person into your lives, going through mediation, supervised visitations with you present, and a therapist to help all of you work through some of the issues that may crop up because of this. It's entirely possible, that seeing this person can regress you into emotions you didn't realize you have, even though you feel you have moved forward. This is a tough decision for you obviously and I wish you the best of luck with making your choices. Personally, I would not allow someone who raped me, anywhere near my child. But that is my opinion, and would be my choice only.

HopeulGal

Joined: 6/3/2009

Msg: 7 (view)

Are You or Did YOU make your kids fat out of guilt? Posted: 6/11/2009 6:21:13 PM
Smoked herring?! Way to go kiddo! LOL!! I'm glad I'm not the only Mommy who's child enjoys unusual treats. At play group, I get glared at my other parents because my kid is the one offering all the other kids some of her steamed broccoli or some of her kidney beans. You know I actually had one very indignant mother say to me "I don't know how to tell you this, but your daughter is way too healthy for her own good."

HopeulGal

Joined: 6/3/2009

Msg: 194 (view)

Single Mothers W/ Children: Do you do anything to compensate for the extra work of dating you ? Posted: 6/11/2009 5:08:16 PM
Having answered this question, which was phrased differently in another thread, I will outline it once again: He is an alcoholic. He abuses drugs. He cannot hold down a job. He does not pay his own rent, bills, or other incidentals. He abused me verbally, physically, and neglected his daughter. I posed couples counselling to him and was informed that "It's just not happening b*ch. I don't need any fking help. So just shut the f**k up." His abuse was intolerable from the time it started, but when my daughter was three months old, he jacked me up against the wall while I was holding her and punched wall beside my head with his other hand saying "You're lucky it wasn't your face this time." This is not a person I would want to tie myself or my daughter to for eighteen years. This is not a person who I feel is safe for either one of us to be with on a regular full-time basis.

HopeulGal

Joined: 6/3/2009

Msg: 9 (view)

why are men reluctant to get involved with someone who has kids Posted: 6/11/2009 4:24:23 PM
I suppose I'm fortunate. So far, I haven't come across a gentleman who doesn't want to get to know me because I'm a single Mom. The ones I have run across have been gentlmen and understand that I have a very busy daily schedule, that in the evenings I attend to my child. Weekends are my own. Granted I haven't had an actual date yet, but that's because I definitely do not want to meet someone right away after having spoken to them online/phone for only a few weeks. That's just common sense and being safe.

HopeulGal

Joined: 6/3/2009

Msg: 6 (view)

What Are Some Ways To Make Sure The Father is Involved? Posted: 6/11/2009 4:16:48 PM
Agreed. You can't control whether someone wants to be involved in their child's life, anymore than you can control someone else's addictions. It doesn't work that way.

HopeulGal

Joined: 6/3/2009

Msg: 497 (view)

Do children need a father? Posted: 6/11/2009 4:12:04 PM
I'm conflicted on this one. My parents have been married for 35 years. I am incredibly close to them both. My own Dad holds a very special place in my life and in my heart. If I got a phonecall from my Mother stating that my Dad passed away I would be completely devastated and bereft. Now, my daughter's biological father is a very small part of her life. He lives 3000 miles away, and she sees him when he feels he can handle seeing her. He does love her, he does call her. However, he is not a father figure/role model in her life. Instead, a very good family friend of mine and the husband of my best friend IS. They come over to visit about four times a week and my daughter is all over him and he adores her. He also has a daughter and still manages to spend time with both his child and mine at the same time. He is a POSITIVE MALE ROLE MODEL in her life. It does not make up thoough, for the fact that her own biological father is not/cannot/refuses to be around for her on a regular basis. However this man shows her what a man is and can be. He is able to provide in emotional sense, that I as a mother cannot. Simply because I am a MOM, not a DAD. I will never say that I can be both mother and father to my child. It doesn't work that way. I am more fortunate than some my virtue of the fact that there is no romatic involvement with this man, yet he has taken part in her life and given her the ability to see what a father can be. It's a bitter-sweet thing.

HopeulGal

Joined: 6/3/2009

Msg: 3 (view)

Are You or Did YOU make your kids fat out of guilt? Posted: 6/11/2009 3:13:09 PM
My parents had a "clean your plate" mentality. Unreasonably large portions as compared to what I could handle for my age. In acknowledging that when I got older I was determined never to do it to MY kid. So my daughter is allowed to determine ho wmuch she wants to eat at a meal. Lots of healthy choices, lot's of fruits, veggies, whole grains etc. One day she may eat like a bird, then the next she'll eat everything in sight and I have to go grocery shopping three days after I've just gone. My girl is three years old, 38 inches tall and weighs 34 or so pounds roughly. She's also in a size 9.5 toddler shoe and wears a 4T in clothing. The pedi tells me she is right on track, but that she is VERY tall for her age, but very slender. I'm not an incredibly tall person at only 5 ft 5 and her father isn't incredibly tall at 5 ft 9. I think as long as a child has healthy options and treats are kept as TREATS as opposed to an every day part of a meal, then there will be no issue with weight, comfort eating etc. The emotional issues for that sort of thing can go very deep.

HopeulGal

Joined: 6/3/2009

Msg: 140 (view)

Single Mothers W/ Children: Do you do anything to compensate for the extra work of dating you ? Posted: 6/10/2009 7:14:50 PM
Just wanted to add to this, that in my opinion a relationship is not 50/50. It needs to be, should be, 100/100. Each person needs to put their all into making something work. Whether it be dating a single parent, or dating someone with a disability.

HopeulGal

Joined: 6/3/2009

Msg: 145 (view)

Single mother out to prove the world wrong... is that wrong? Posted: 6/10/2009 7:06:41 PM
And I offer it a resounding third! Well put :)

HopeulGal

Joined: 6/3/2009

Msg: 135 (view)

Single Mothers W/ Children: Do you do anything to compensate for the extra work of dating you ? Posted: 6/10/2009 6:56:32 PM
I've definitely hit the confuzzled point, but wanted to say a big THANK YOU! to all the vets who have served our country. It's an exhausting job, and sometimes sad and thankless one. You all have served and deserve the very best.

HopeulGal

Joined: 6/3/2009

Msg: 119 (view)

Single Mothers W/ Children: Do you do anything to compensate for the extra work of dating you ? Posted: 6/10/2009 5:33:47 PM
Hey ya'll? I was just as insulted with the way he phrased it too, but he did try to ask it again nicely. Maybe he has no experience with single mom's at all? We're a classy bunch, and intelligent to boot. So maybe we can explains things instead of being equally rude and purporting the single mom stereotype?

HopeulGal

Joined: 6/3/2009

Msg: 8 (view)

mollycoddling-guilty of it, now I need to address Posted: 6/10/2009 5:05:07 PM
I tend to agree with the above poster, but would also like to add that my little girl went through the same challenges. When she got whiney, it was generally because of one of the following: Tired Hungry Bored Mom was on the phone too long applying for a job Too hot Too cold Thirsty Wanted something she had been told was for later on. With the physical need and the emotional I addressed it right away. Sometimes she whined just to hear herself whine, because I wan't moving fast enough for her. My strategy? Make sure he is not hungry, tired, thirsty, bored, too hot, too cold. If all else fails do the following: Get down at eye level and say very calmly and quietly: "Mommy can't understand you right now. Can you use a big boy voice please?" It works 9 times out of 10. Always make time to discuss your day at the end of it. Discuss thing BOTH of you can improve on and discuss the positive as well. Even if it seems simple. Be willing to apologize to your kid if you lose your temper at all. I can't tell you how many times I've had to ask my daughter to forgive me. She'll whine, I'll go down the list, she'll keep whining and I'll snap "Now Bonnie Rose that is ENOUGH!" siiiigh Yeah not uch a good thing to snap. "Bonnnie, Mommy is sorry she was impatient. Will you forgive me please?" not only lets your kid know that YOU aren't perfect,but that you know it, and you are willing to ask forgiveness for your shortcomings. Okay I'm on a soap box now lol! But wanted to encourage you. You're a great Mommy hun, and this challenge is mild. It will pass and you will handle it with grace and love.

HopeulGal

Joined: 6/3/2009

Msg: 111 (view)

Single Mothers W/ Children: Do you do anything to compensate for the extra work of dating you ? Posted: 6/10/2009 2:33:46 PM
Am agreeing with SF on this one. As a single Mom, at the end of the day, I'm fairly brain fried. I can manage intelligent conversation for the most part, but anything beyond that until I find a sitter I trust is near impossible.

HopeulGal

Joined: 6/3/2009

Msg: 12 (view)

any ideas for summertime activities? Posted: 6/10/2009 2:09:51 PM
You've gotten some great idea here! I'd also like to suggest "Spa Night" - mini pedicures and manicures right there in the house. Nice smelling lotion, a pretty (age appropriate!) shade of polish, and doing hair up all pretty. "Theme Night" - Pick a theme! Mexican, Russian, Asian, etc. try to find clothing in the home that you can dress up in, have the girls help you prepare a meal for that night that goes along with the theme, and learn a few words of that language for the night. "Poetry Night" - Have the girls write a poem or short story, sit down with popcorn and something to drink and read them to eachother. LOTS of praise for creativity!! Those are just a few. I'll to think of some more :)

HopeulGal

Joined: 6/3/2009

Msg: 107 (view)

Single Mothers W/ Children: Do you do anything to compensate for the extra work of dating you ? Posted: 6/10/2009 2:04:16 PM
No worries! Took me a bit to figure it out as well. Welcome aboard!

HopeulGal

Joined: 6/3/2009

Msg: 104 (view)

Single Mothers W/ Children: Do you do anything to compensate for the extra work of dating you ? Posted: 6/10/2009 1:54:28 PM
Yeah, you are a real winner. Who is? These threads go so quickly, I never know who's referring to whom.

HopeulGal

Joined: 6/3/2009

Msg: 102 (view)

Single Mothers W/ Children: Do you do anything to compensate for the extra work of dating you ? Posted: 6/10/2009 1:48:35 PM
Thanks for rephrasing the question :) That said, I have no idea how I would try to lure a man into my arm I haven't had to do so in five years! I know things have changed since I last dated, and prior to that I was married for nearly eight years , but I really do like the idea of home cooked meals and quiet times. Sounds a little cliche', but it's true! I never thought of it as a competition? Maybe I'm old fashioned in a sense. I like the mutual courting aspect of things. Simple, peaceful, and communicative. Alluring just doesn't work for me for some reason lol! I'm just me.

HopeulGal

Joined: 6/3/2009

Msg: 87 (view)

Single Mothers W/ Children: Do you do anything to compensate for the extra work of dating you ? Posted: 6/10/2009 1:03:32 PM
There are different types of love. I love my child in a way I could never love a man and if I were in a relationship, I would love that man in a way I could never love my child. Both are fulfilling in their own way. Combined it creates something very special. Likewise, I would never want to have a relationship where a man simply tolerates my child.

HopeulGal

Joined: 6/3/2009

Msg: 84 (view)

Single Mothers W/ Children: Do you do anything to compensate for the extra work of dating you ? Posted: 6/10/2009 12:57:57 PM
Just ... wow. I'm honestly amazed at this particular thread. Why on earth would I need to compensate a man for dating me? Hell, for that matter, I might as well stay single and date myself and have fun with adult toys. They would certainly give a gal less grief than the OP. I would cook meals, set up special evenings regardless of whether it was "compensation" or not. Compensation the way you put it OP makes a single Mom sound like a high priced whore who needs to pay a guy back for giving her and her kid a bit of attention. I sincerely hope I never come across a man as self centered, rude, as you. You do realize that in the beginning stages of a relationship, a woman has to protect her child from getting too attached, and therefore has to rearrange not only her time, but also find childcare, pay for said childcare, and still be able to have that fullfilling relationship.

HopeulGal

Joined: 6/3/2009

Msg: 194 (view)

Why is it harder for a single parent to get a date ? Posted: 6/10/2009 2:44:04 AM
Holy animosity... Just because y ou've had some crummy expeiences, doesn't mean we're all ****es or out to ruin your life. Sheesh.

HopeulGal

Joined: 6/3/2009

Msg: 127 (view)

Single mother out to prove the world wrong... is that wrong? Posted: 6/9/2009 10:54:18 PM
Honey my dog can make a baby smile. It doesn't make her a parent though.

HopeulGal

Joined: 6/3/2009

Msg: 9 (view)

Single dad, with mom still in the picture. Posted: 6/9/2009 10:50:05 PM
It's a wonderful thing that the two of you have been able to work together to raise your child without all the nastiness! It's RARE. I would be very surprised if women were threatened by any of this. If they are, keep 'em moving. You're a great catch!

HopeulGal

Joined: 6/3/2009

Msg: 124 (view)

Single mother out to prove the world wrong... is that wrong? Posted: 6/9/2009 10:43:47 PM
So, you have a modeling career, you're a full time college student, you spend your evenings out until Lord only knows when, and then you're up until 3:00 in the morning cleaning house and doing chores. Somewhat unrealistic. I'm a single STAY AT HOME mom, and right now I'm staring down a pile of laundry that needs folding, lego's on the floor annd a dishwasher that needs emptying. I am exhausted. Flat exhausted. I'll be dipped if I'm staying til 3:00 in the morning to get it all done. I'll do what I can and putter around tomorrow to get the rest done. I just don't have enough hours in my day to do it all. OH! But that's right. I actually raise my child. You pass yours off to family members. Hmm.. reverse priorities. STAY home, do your chores, study for college and have ONE night a week on a weekend where you spend a few hours out on your own. Either you're a bratty little socialite or you're a parent who sacrifices for her child. Pick one and be that.

HopeulGal

Joined: 6/3/2009

Msg: 27 (view)

Pix of Women with Puckered Up Lips (Kissy Face) Posted: 6/9/2009 10:06:04 PM
It honestly baffles me when I see those pics. Now, I have seen pics of guys doing it too,which baffles me as well. Hmm.. maybe we have a new trend of people gone algae eaters??

HopeulGal

Joined: 6/3/2009

Msg: 149 (view)

PLANNED PREGNANCY GONE........???? Posted: 6/9/2009 8:26:01 PM
The gal left him.. it's highly doubtful she wants to marry him. OP, I'm thrilled that the this is going through mediation, congratulations! Am hoping for a wonderful update and resolution to it all for the betterment of you, your ex and especially the future of the baby.

HopeulGal

Joined: 6/3/2009

Msg: 120 (view)

Single mother out to prove the world wrong... is that wrong? Posted: 6/9/2009 8:20:54 PM
Maybe one of us meanie heads will finally get through her stubborn head? One can only hope.

HopeulGal

Joined: 6/3/2009

Msg: 10 (view)

POF, what do you think about it? Posted: 6/9/2009 8:15:03 PM
I'm not completely certain what to think of it yet, as I've only been here for a week. On one hand it's a wonderful way to make new online friends, on the other I've had one person initiate contact thus far. Not that starting out slow is a bad thing. I'd rather get to know someone for who they are than several someone for who they pretend to be. The jury is still out on this one!

HopeulGal

Joined: 6/3/2009

Msg: 13 (view)

Completely off the normal topic Posted: 6/9/2009 7:08:34 PM
I should clarify. My daughter's father lives in Maryland. We live in Washington State. He calls her between three and four times a week and in the last year has managed to get out here to visit a total of once every three months. He DOES love her very much, but cannot handle the responsibility of shared parenting in the aspect that he would have her for a certain amount of time etc. This evening they had a 40 minute conversation, and they both loved every minute of it. He is sending her a card, because that is what he does every month. I read it to her, we put it on the buffet until the next one shows up the next month. I stick the date on the previous one and put it in her memory box. Yet, they really don't KNOW eachother. It will be a while before she is full able to tell him all about her and before he is ready to learn all about her. Right now it's just one step at a time. There are nights he will call and she'll say to him "I just don't feel like talking tonight. I'm trying to finish (painting this picture, putting this puzzle together, etc.) and he will say "Alrighty honey, I just wanted to call you and tell you I love you and goodnight!" She'll respond in kind and they both hang up. Him with a thank you to me for raising our daughter and her with a smile, knowing that she will hear from him on another day. She NEVER aks about him, because she has the assurance that he WILL call her, that he WILL send that card, etc. So after that long winded explanation. There is no lying involved. I do not lie to my child. However, there are times when age appropriate explanations are in order. I would never tell my three year old that he father was an abusive SOB to me and broke four of my ribs in a drunken rage. She doesn't need to know that. As for getting "help", I have her tested every six months and every single time, I am told that she is one of the most confident, well adjusted children they have seen. So obviously I can't be messing up that badly. Edited to add - I frequently ask her during the week if she would like to give him a call. The choice to have contact is hers as well. The results are about 50/50. Sometimes she'll say "not today." and sometimes she'll say "okay! I'll get the phone!" Despite the fact that the relationship between her father and I was a crappy one, SHE is not part of our issues. She knows she is loved by us both. A few days ago she asked me why he lived in Maryland. Well heck, what was I supposed to say? I finally said "Because that's where his work and his house is, but he loves it when he comes to visit you." She replied "Okay! Can I have a freezepop?"

HopeulGal

Joined: 6/3/2009

Msg: 116 (view)

Single mother out to prove the world wrong... is that wrong? Posted: 6/9/2009 6:52:39 PM
How's this for a breakdown of a young woman for you Gracii... A gal I know moved out of her home at the age of 16 because she had already graduated highschool but at that point in time couldn't get into college because she had no money. So she got a full time job at a fast food restaraunt so she could do so. She wanted a better paying job but couldn't get one because she had no job experience. She had her own apartment, was paying all of her own bills, didn't date because she didn't want any distractions from her chosen career and stayed home on weekends to study for the ASFAB. Fast forward two years. This gal took on a seconnd job and was working literally from 6:00 in the morning until midnight every night of the week. At this point she had a more than stable bank account and a college fund. She still didn't date. Fast forward another year. The young lady passed the ASFAB with flying colors and was given her choice of a military career. She chose three. Tactical Telecommunications Specialist, MP, and Combat Medic. She did them all for eight years while going to college, obtaining a degree in Early Childhood Education, obtaining her RN and working her way to a degree in Criminal Justice. She got MARRIED, discovered she couldn't bear children and was devastated as she saw one young girl after another having one baby after another, while her womb and arms stayed empty. She was approved as a foster parent, and fostered a young lady who was 16. The same age she was, when she moved out of her parents home. This young lady ended up pregnant at 17, and decided to suck off the state, spend little time with her son, and eventually ended up losing her child to DSHS. The now older woman dealt with a nasty divorce. She ended up in a relationship where she was abused, and got pregnant. The story continued from there, and this woman left the abuse, moved 3000 miles across the United States to provide a better life for herself and her child. Today this woman is a single stay at home mother with several degrees and two home businesses. She provides licensed childcare in her home, but only does so for one other child so her own child won't be neglected. She makes and sells quilts on the side and has occasionally taken up dog-walking and housecleaning for other people to supplement her income. She still does not date. She does not go out on the weekends and her child is well adjusted without having to worry about where Mommy is. She is not on welfare. She pays for her own health insurance and that of her child. She knows that while it's important to have free time for herself, that her child takes priority over "the fun stuff". You need to seriously consider the long term ramifications of how you are living your life. Yes, you need to have time to yourself, but the fact is that when you made the choice to have your child, you gave up a lot more than just an occasional night out. Parenting cannot be selfish. Parenting is a selfless act of love, whether male or female. You will eventually hit a breaking point and need to sit down and write down your priorities, then readjust them and stick to them. Yes, have fun, but not at the expense of true parenting. That woman I was talking about is me. I am finally at the point, now that my daughter is three, where I feel comfortable enough to leave her with my Aunt for an hour while I run to the grocery store, or make a few quilt deliveries. Grow up honey and get yourself straightened out before you end up with a child that resents you forever.

HopeulGal

Joined: 6/3/2009

Msg: 5 (view)

Is it wrong to say I don't want and cannot be JUST friends? Posted: 6/9/2009 8:09:48 AM
I completely agree that you did the right thing, and I'm sorry you were hurt through this. I think what she was proposing was a bit selfish. She must have known that you felt more for her than in just a friendship capacity. I'd have been hurt as well.

HopeulGal

Joined: 6/3/2009

Msg: 52 (view)

Single mother out to prove the world wrong... is that wrong? Posted: 6/9/2009 7:51:30 AM
I suppose I would classify as an "older" single mom of a very young child. It's wonderful that you're going to college. What are you majoring in? It's wonderful that you're involved in modelling. How long have you had your carreer in the works? I'm glad you're able to find time to go out between all of this stuff. Now here's the reality flash. Right now your little girl is still a baby and her demands on your time are very light. You go to school, come home and play with the cute little baby. You go to work, come home play with the cute little baby and put her in bed. You go out and have your fun. Wonderful. What happens when the cute little baby develops a voice, a personality beyond cuteness and demands time with her Mommy? What happens when your brother, although he loves his niece, decides that he can't watch her anymore because his own life to be concerned with? Think toward the future of not only yourself but your child as well. She is going to NEED time with her Mommy beyond a few hours tossed at her here and there.

HopeulGal

Joined: 6/3/2009

Msg: 1 (view)

Completely off the normal topic Posted: 6/9/2009 12:28:48 AM
So today we had a really great day! My girl and I and the little guy I nanny for went to the playground with a picnic lunch. The kids had a ball and so did I. We brought teddy bears, cars and trucks and a ball. They ran around like maniacs and screamed at the top of their lungs. The weather was gorgeous and we got to examine every single flower, ant, bee and different blades of grass LOL! When we got home we made spagetti for lunch, ate icecream for dessert, and did lots of painting and playdough crafts. There were momments I managed to preserve forever on camera and moments I wanted to cry because of their sweet innocent wonderings and questions. "Mommy? Why did the tree have moss on it? Why is it grey and not green? Why did the bee go play with the flowers? See the coccinelle? She has so many pretty spots!" We're learning French right now, and Bonnie (my girl) is picking it up quickly. She went on Friday for her immunizations and a full physical. 38 pounds, 6 ounces and 42 inches tall. She's also in a size 9 shoe. The pedi says that she will end up being tall and willowy. We've been reading books every day as well. Right now we're in the middle of "Little House in the Big Woods" and she is absolutely enthralled! I think she may end up being a doctor or a personal care provider later on down the road. She worries so much when folks are hurting or sad. The expression on her face is pure love and compassion and she offers hugs and kisses freely to the boo-boo recipient. Today she asked me where her Dad is. It just about broke my heart, but I said "Your dad is in (state name). He loves you very much, and is sending you a card soon (he is). Would you like to give him a call and say hi?" She responded "Not today. I'm busy playing ponies. Maybe another time Mommy." I don't know that I can tell her he may never come back, or that he's too busy as well, or that he doesn't want to be with her. Later on down the road when she asks about him I'll say "You Dad loved you very much, but he didn't feel good in his heart. Because he loved you so much he wanted you to be safe and happy. Someday though, you might be able to tell him about you! Won't that be great?" Being a single Mommy is the hardest but most wonderful thing I've ever done. It's not hard because of finances or support, but because in my own selfish way, I wanted her to have the very best of both a mother and a father. She's got the very best of me, and I know someday she'll have a father in her life who will cherish her as much as I do. Yes, I know I'm off topic and mushy, but this is one of those days, where I wanted people to see where I am. Diary of a single Mom, you know?

HopeulGal

Joined: 6/3/2009

Msg: 73 (view)

single fathers Posted: 6/8/2009 8:15:50 AM
I just don't get it. I really don't. I would be HONORED to be invited into the lives and hearts of a single daddy and his little ones. I was married once before. Waaaaay back when... I was a step-mommy. I loved that boy as if he were mine. My heart sure didn't know the difference and my brain didn't give a damn. There needs to me a mutual and unconditional love for these children who have lost so much in their lives. If a single mom and a single dad meet, they both have to have that love for the kids. I'm not expressing this very well, since I'm wiped out and haven't had coffee, hopefully it can be made sense of :)

HopeulGal

Joined: 6/3/2009

Msg: 75 (view)

and jesus said... let them that are free... Posted: 6/8/2009 3:49:37 AM
You forgot to add in Bast...

HopeulGal

Joined: 6/3/2009

Msg: 147 (view)

Younger mothers?Is it wrong? Posted: 6/8/2009 3:33:18 AM
I grew as she grew and what I learned she learned.I may have quite my teachings and furthering my education but I never let it happen with my daughter.I like to thank my mistakes to help further her education. I don't see where you made any mistakes. You chose to have a beautiful baby, you chose to nurture her, educate her, re-educate yourself and now, not only is she a successful young lady furthering herself in life, but she has YOU to thank for it. Way to go Mom! You've done noble

HopeulGal

Joined: 6/3/2009

Msg: 146 (view)

Younger mothers?Is it wrong? Posted: 6/8/2009 3:29:14 AM
Not every young mother is a twit. While I would cringe at my daughter being pregnant at such a young age, I think it does depend on the maturity of the individual. I've seen fabulous mommies at 16 and I've seen crummy ones at 36. And it goes the other direction as well.

HopeulGal

Joined: 6/3/2009

Msg: 821 (view)

Unplanned Pregnancy Doesn'Have to Lead to Birth or Parenthood Posted: 6/8/2009 2:44:15 AM
I watched it, lost my dinner. To the poster who stated to me that I was an advocate of anti-abortion - if I wasn't before, I sure as hell am now. Anyone who is considering it, should definitely watch the film. Adoption would absolutely become more prevalent. Anyone who can say they watched it, and had no reaction to it, should examine their heart and conscience. I still stand by my statements regarding saving life of the mother, fatal deformaties etc. but am finding myself at a loss for words to truly express what this evoked in me. Torquoise Pixie, thank you for sharing that.

HopeulGal

Joined: 6/3/2009

Msg: 819 (view)

Unplanned Pregnancy Doesn'Have to Lead to Birth or Parenthood Posted: 6/8/2009 1:10:06 AM
So I made a choice and dont get me wrong i am accepting that it is my selfish choice and at the same time I will tell you that I paid a very high price. I don't think it was a selfish choice you made. You had no one with you to support you, comfort you, help you, educate you in your decision etc. You must have been so conflicted in this. I want you to know that I admire you for being able to speak so candidly about your experiences and the fact that you are trying to help others through your own peronal experiences. You're a great person!

HopeulGal

Joined: 6/3/2009

Msg: 5 (view)

Is dating a Disabled Vet such a bad thing? Ladies? Posted: 6/8/2009 12:47:40 AM
And thank you both for your service to our country!!

HopeulGal

Joined: 6/3/2009

Msg: 4 (view)

Is dating a Disabled Vet such a bad thing? Ladies? Posted: 6/8/2009 12:46:35 AM
I don't understand why anyone would look at him that way. If he has a great heart then people need to look past the "problem" and get to know him for who he is. I really hope this changes for him and soon!

HopeulGal

Joined: 6/3/2009

Msg: 6 (view)

How do you hit on a single dad? Posted: 6/8/2009 12:39:26 AM
Walk over to his house with a batch of cookies or brownies for him and the kids. Betcha no one's done that for him in a while. Get to chatting about common insterests, things about the kids, etc. then ask him if he wants to come over and hang out sometime. :) Sure can't hurt! Good luck hun, I'm hopeing for a great update!

HopeulGal

Joined: 6/3/2009

Msg: 2 (view)

Confusion Has No End Posted: 6/8/2009 12:31:34 AM
I kind of agree with you. I miss the simplistic days where a guy and a girl meet, they hit it off, one of them says "Hey, you wanna go out on Saturday?" the other replies "Yeah thanks!" and off they go! I must be getting old.

HopeulGal

Joined: 6/3/2009

Msg: 817 (view)

Unplanned Pregnancy Doesn'Have to Lead to Birth or Parenthood Posted: 6/7/2009 11:49:34 PM
Now wait a second. I'm not quoting anything at all. I simply said it's a horrible choice to make. I'm anti-abortion in the cases that it would used as a form of birth control. I never said that I didn't advocate it for mothers who could die if they gave birth to that child, or in cases where the child would never make it through the pregnancy due to horrific deformaties, or the little girls who have been raped etc. I DO think there are cases where it is very appropriate. Just not in the ones where it was an "OOPS! I got laid, now I'm pregnant. Quick! Suck this thing out of me!" THOSE cases are purely selfish and awful. Your post was scathing, insulting, and deliberately targeting without showing an ounce of curiousity as to why one would have a difference of opinion. No, I've never advocated abortion for the sake of convenience, but nor would I ever walk up to a mother who was considering having one and tell her she was a selfish hag for doing it. NO ONE knows the agony of having to make a decision like that unless they've had to do so. And I guarantee those poor women who do it, and ripped emotionally raw and feel very broken afterwards. So thank you NotElvisJunior for not only insulting me, but presuming you knew precisely where I stand on this matter. Rude person.

HopeulGal

Joined: 6/3/2009

Msg: 815 (view)

Unplanned Pregnancy Doesn'Have to Lead to Birth or Parenthood Posted: 6/7/2009 10:16:20 PM
I cried as I went through that entire page. Then I got up and held my little girl and told her how much I loved her. The reality is that abortion is a horrendous option for people to choose. I don't care if they aren't ready to have a child enter their relationship. Which is more selfish. Choosing to kill your unborn baby as a measure of convenience and "kindness so the child won't grow up in a crummy household", or choosing to not let your child die by being yanked apart bit by bit while still alive in the womb? I'm sickened.

HopeulGal

Joined: 6/3/2009

Msg: 70 (view)

Why did you get divorced? Posted: 6/7/2009 9:47:13 PM
Interesting that most of the replies state that they're divorced because the other person was a nut/abusive/cheater etc. Nobody on POF is responsible for their marriages failing! At least a few people admitted they married young and actually made mistakes. Lorelei, why are you getting divorced? Were you at fault for some of the irreperable damage done to your marriage? Or perhaps your soon to be ex is one of the abusive, cheating, unreliable types that nearly one or all of us have faced? Maybe you got married too young? Fact is, no matter how it's phrased, it's somewhat appalling to be asked such a question, respond honestly, and then be told that we're essentially lying and must be at fault somehow. Especially by a person who hasn't divulged why she herself, is currently seperated.

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