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Thread: Guy friend got a girlfriend, now I'm worried I'll get ditched.

Joined: 6/11/2009

Msg: 20 (view)

Guy friend got a girlfriend, now I'm worried I'll get ditched. Posted: 2/1/2010 7:40:35 AM
You don't feel jealous because this relationship had a chance to grow into something more substantial than your typical American sex exchange. These are the relationships that held human clans together in the face of a daily holocaust for hundreds of thousands of years. Americans tend to see their self worth as a function of how much sex they have times how many partners they have. My God, it's the whole plot of one of the most popular TV shows in history, Sex and the City. Now I'm gonna assume your friend feels somewhat the same as you do. Of course if he doesn't you have to realize that your probably toast. You're gonna have to learn to live with idea of getting a bit less (maybe a lot less) out of the relationship. My advice would be to find another outlet but keep in touch with your friend. Most people don't understand intense opposite gender friendships or simply aren't capable of connecting with a member of the opposite gender without sex. So the new member of the group may not understand things. It's best that you be hard to find for a bit. Communicate. Let your friend know what your thinking. It's good for him to know you'll sacrifice so he can pursue other relationships. It's good for you to withdraw occasionally too. Helps purify and define your feelings. After they have formed their little corporation you can start to reassert yourself, careful to sense where they boundaries might be. Yeah it sounds like a lot of work but if your feelings are as strong as mine were in some of my Opp-Gen friendships it never feels like work. Hopefully in the end you'll end up with two awesome friends instead of one. Good luck!

Joined: 6/11/2009

Msg: 11 (view)

Men wanting back in your life Posted: 1/23/2010 5:56:07 AM
Let's see... Bad options: Lack of respect towards you, they are delusional because they forgot their medication, they are just plain stupid (and they think you are too). Good options (sort of): They are trying to say they regret leaving you and that they miss you (But of course they have the communication skills of a St. Barnard), They simply called the wrong number...D'oh! Your only option: Have a good laugh, offer them a phone number to a good therapist and say good bye! (follow that up with a restraining order if necessary).

Joined: 6/11/2009

Msg: 76 (view)

How to shake the feeling... Posted: 1/23/2010 5:29:54 AM
This is a difficult area because I think this can vary in intensity a bit between people depending on one’s past experiences. But here goes anyhoo... First off, most times I don’t believe there is any way to make someone desire/focus on you. It either happens or it doesn’t. It’s a pre-wired genes and pheromones thing. The only things you can control in life are your responses and your viewpoints on the world around you. Look inward. I discovered a great truth a number of years back: the less you want people the more they want you. It seems like an oxymoron but it proved to be true. This is about all that self-esteem, self-image, co-dependence stuff I’m sure you’ve heard all about, so I won’t go into a mini-session here. The truth is, nothing is more attractive than confidence and independence. Now there is a balance to be struck here because obviously if two people are both at the opposite ends of the emotion graph and if they simply switch places, you don’t have much of a net gain do you? So I guess its about having the ability to go about life in an outwardly happy and independent fashion about 95% of the time. You are confident, secure and happy in the life you have built. When you meet somebody who sparks your interest it’s no longer about the fairy tale because you are already happy. If it doesn’t work out you are OK with it. You simply slide back to your warm little home in confidence-ville and go about the next day. It’s all about feelings management and it’s a bit of a game. No more feeling inadequate and rejected. One might ask, “If I’m always so darned happy why would I look for anyone at all? Hey, there’s always room for a little more happiness, I mean, I like my KIA but I wouldn’t mind driving an Audi someday. Take care.

Joined: 6/11/2009

Msg: 24 (view)

Texting or Emails Instead of Talking Posted: 1/17/2010 6:33:26 PM
Pure laziness and/or hiding behind technology. If I was really, really interested in a woman I would NEVER miss an opportunity to get the sound of my voice in her ear and when I did I would try to make it as memorable as possible.

Joined: 6/11/2009

Msg: 7 (view)

does he want me? Posted: 1/17/2010 6:15:53 PM
You are trying to read minds and fill in the blanks. I'm familiar with this because I've been guilty of it in the past. Focus only on what you really know. He has told you what he wants and your not listening. Stop looking past what he says in a desperate attempt to find what you imagine is hidden below the surface. You are chasing phantoms. It is hard to let these things go but it's the only thing to do. Let him know you are there if he needs you, then let it be. It's like the poem that says "If you love something set it free. If it comes back it is yours. If it doesn't come back it was never yours to begin with." Good luck and take care.

Joined: 6/11/2009

Msg: 55 (view)

So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern? Posted: 1/4/2010 8:56:50 AM
Your partner does not have to find you attractive to love you. The “his point of view” reverse of that is “I can only love women I’m sleeping with”. That would label him as a bit of a narcissist. There is also a difference between being “attracted” and “seeing someone as attractive”. One is an adjective, the other is a noun. The only question left for this woman is: Can she be happy in this relationship as it exists now? If the absence of sex leaves her feeling alone or if she needs the feelings that come with being lusted after then she might want to make other plans. If she sees the relationship is only half full then its time to get a full one. I don’t think this is all that unusual a situation especially among the 40+ members of America. There are people who are perfectly happy in a mutually sexless relationship. To each his/her own. The one solution to this I’ve never liked was when one or both members of this relationship go out and have affairs. Then you hear the “ Oh it’s OK. He/she doesn’t mind. We have a open relationship” or “ they forced me into it”. I don’t know. It always seemed like the coward’s way out to me. Please people, have the courage to break it off and THEN move on if need be. Peace

Joined: 6/11/2009

Msg: 19 (view)

Rship Questions without Scaring Men Away? Posted: 12/15/2009 7:25:51 AM
I would be straight forward and ask the questions. No relationship is possible without honest communication. So why would anyone need to wait to start? I would also say being in a “relationship” means being emotionally available to the other person. If that is the goal for both of you than why wouldn’t that start immediately? If you can’t ask these questions and get honest answers, then someone isn’t being very emotionally available or forthcoming. I would find that worrisome for the future. Don’t be so afraid of “scaring someone away”. Would you rather continue along, unable to express your feelings for years and then find out then that your never going to get what you need? There shouldn’t be any grace period in relationships, no matter how short they may be, where one can be emotionally unavailable or refuse to answer simple questions about intent.

Joined: 6/11/2009

Msg: 7 (view)

Guys..would you still be interested in a past relationship? Posted: 12/15/2009 6:51:27 AM
Hey isn't this situation a new Meryl Streep movie? I guess you could go see the movie first and see how it turns out? I think ANYTHING is possible. If it really works for both of you - go for it.

Joined: 6/11/2009

Msg: 8 (view)

Would an ex long term boyfriend send texts like these? Posted: 12/15/2009 6:31:56 AM
He obviously hasn’t completely let go of you emotionally. He seems to have a fantasy that you are still available to him in some form (emotionally and/or physically?) because those types of e-mails are a way too intimate for “friends”. His motivations are very selfish because he wants an attachment to you but he isn’t even considering your feelings about the situation or what you’ve gone through. Don’t get too hung up over whether or not he’s trying to replace you with a carbon copy of “you”. I’ve had friends who saw these things as evidence that someone still wanted them and it became an obstacle to them moving on. Hopefully that’s not you. It’s possible he has some issue here but it doesn’t really matter how similar the new girl is because it’s NOT you. If he has some weird obsession with people who look like you – that’s between him and his therapist. The guy shows signs of having some creepy control/obsession tendencies. So take that as evidence that maybe the breakup was a positive thing for you. I would simply ask him (since you are “friends”, right?) to stop sending intimate e-mails or I would just go out and get a new number if you want to avoid the conversation. If you try talking to him and it doesn’t work, definitely get a new phone because you would now have a stalker on your hands. P.S. If you enjoy drama you could always show his new girlfriend the texts he sends you! I somehow doubt she would be as understanding as he claims.  Hope this helps. Good luck!!!

Joined: 6/11/2009

Msg: 143 (view)

10 things I hate about you. Posted: 12/15/2009 5:49:49 AM
Wow. It's amazing how fortunate I feel that I have absolutely nothing to write here. I seem to be totally free of Ex-anger. It makes me want to shout "Freeedooom!" into the air like Braveheart or something. May you all come to the light ASAP. It's a wonderful life!

Joined: 6/11/2009

Msg: 24 (view)

Thee ole double standard... Posted: 12/2/2009 3:30:52 PM
Did they have that written into the marriage vows? ...for better or for worse. Till you gain 50lbs do us part...

Joined: 6/11/2009

Msg: 60 (view)

How Important is it that you have chemistry with someone? Posted: 12/2/2009 10:39:54 AM
For the life of me I have no idea what "Chemistry" means...and I'm a Chemist! Does it mean you like the same drinks? Does it mean you like the same drugs? Does it simply mean you can sit in the same room with somebody for an hour without running out screaming? Does it mean you like the same TV shows? Sounds to me like you simply think they are hot while simultaneously their personality doesn't rub you like a cheese grater. Maybe the chemistry part comes in with the pheromones. Ok... your breathing is irregular...your blood pressure is elevated...yup..ok. All sounds pretty animal to me, certainly not metaphysical at all. Why do we need a slang word for "attractive"? P.S. This "Magnetism" thing got me thinking of some great pickup lines the fellas might want to give a try or to: 1. Hey Baby! How would you like to be the south pole in my electrmagnetic field? 2.Hey Cutie! How would you like to wrap yourself around my noth pole like iron fillings? There's lots of great potential here though #2 sounds maybe a little painful - try a lubricant. 10W40 works well enough in my car.

Joined: 6/11/2009

Msg: 32 (view)

Dating Someone Living with an Ex Spouse Posted: 12/2/2009 10:10:16 AM
Sounds a little kinky but OK. Look if I NEED to trust somebody and this person has "vowed herself" to me then it shouldn't matter who they are around when I'm not there. I don't care if she shares a place with Brad Pitt, if she's trustworthy she's trustworthy. Why would living with someone be more of a risk than working with someone? If she wants another playmate she will have plenty of opportunities regardless of who her roomate is. Remember: Controlville is a creepy place to go.

Joined: 6/11/2009

Msg: 66 (view)

My son is a deal-breaker because he is BI-RACIAL! She says! Posted: 12/2/2009 9:46:05 AM
Be thankful! Be very thankful that this woman will never be in your family! Actually its actually kind of cool that someone saying something like she said is such a shock to everyone. 3o years ago this would be common. Wow! The world has changed (Thank God!). The girl is a mentally unstable fascist freak. Hope she finds a nice skinhead to hook up with. Someone she can share her sicko racial purity fantasies with. You should wave goodbye to her with glee.

Joined: 6/11/2009

Msg: 7 (view)

Intimacy Issues Posted: 10/20/2009 9:30:34 AM
Any person you entertain being physically intimate with should know all this before the relationship begins. Besides you’ll never hide it forever (I’d pick up on that in 10 minutes). This situation brings up a lot of questions. What is the nature of your unhappiness about this? Do you truly have an inner conflict here or do you feel as if you have to live up to some preconceived notion of how you should respond? I would simply do whatever is comfortable and resist feeling that you have to change. By all means continue the conversation with the professional of your choice but maybe all this is only temporary? Maybe you will change? Maybe you’ll meet somebody who makes you feel thing you’ve never felt before and all this will fade away? Does the idea that you might always be like this scare you? Many questions, all probably best left to the professionals. I would just construct some facsimile of happiness in all this and avoid being self-judgmental about how you are vs. what you might perceive as “normal”. If you can be happy there’s no one else you need to be.

Joined: 6/11/2009

Msg: 406 (view)

Decent guys: are they all either taken or gay? Posted: 10/20/2009 8:58:08 AM
Obviously all the "decent guys" are out with all the "decent girls"! I know your frustrated because you can't get what you want but insulting every guy on the planet that you don't want doesn't make you look like much of a catch yourself.

Joined: 6/11/2009

Msg: 34 (view)

How Can I Tell if it's a Line? Posted: 10/20/2009 8:29:57 AM
The website doesn’t actually define the terms it uses but I would think it’s obvious what “intimate encounters” means and I would think that “dating” means he’s interviewing with the purpose of finding a committed relationship. What’s the difference between the two? Well there are four possibilities here. 1. Sex and no phone call the next day. 2. Sex and you get a phone call the next day. 3. No sex and you get a phone call. 4. No sex and no phone call. The only one that PROVES the intention of “dating” as I defined earlier is no. 3. No, it doesn’t guarantee anything but it at least gives you a little something to base your faith on. Besides, I know it’s not fashionable but it’s OK to make him jump through a hoop or two. Just think of it as advance obedience training.

Joined: 6/11/2009

Msg: 11 (view)

What a Nerve A Question for the men Posted: 10/15/2009 5:26:16 PM
Phrases such as those are symptoms of the mentally ill. I would suggest he seek counseling though sometimes attitudes are so ingrained I have to wonder if it would even help. From even a simple phrase like that I would have to conclude that this male has deep-seated issues with women combined with equally negative self esteem problems. Obviously at moments of frustration or anger these attitudes display themselves. Moments like those can be the literal “tip of the iceberg” of negative attitudes towards women. Experience teaches us that these incidents only get more frequent or worse as your time together increases. Often there is an expectation by the male that after he "puts you in your place" with his ugly rhetoric that you will now submit to his demands, whatever they may be. I applaud you for disappointing him.

Joined: 6/11/2009

Msg: 101 (view)

Ladies-Deal breaker? Posted: 8/9/2009 6:02:31 PM
If, as it sounds, this is a rather shallow “service me please” relationship then I think you would definitely want to throw him to the curb and move on. What’s the point with introducing emotional standards to an unemotional relationship? If, on the other hand, he is the love of your life then you might want to invest some time and effort into finding a way to make it work. Like any good dog, guys can also be trained to do all sorts of tricks: Fetch, play dead, mow the yard, make you cum, etc.

Joined: 6/11/2009

Msg: 15 (view)

Cant cum through sex? Posted: 8/9/2009 5:49:29 PM
The first thing you should do is to stop having sex with this guy. The emotional depth of this relationship sounds somewhat suspect. There is no magical potion, position, or technique that will make emotionally dead sex come to life. There is nothing wrong with you but there is something wrong with what you are doing. When you are in a relationship that stimulates you emotionally then all your synapses will fire just fine. If though by chance, in the future, you are head over heels in love and you and your partner have exhausted EVERY possible technique to resolve the issue without success, then at that point it might be time to see a doctor. For now I suggest “true love” as an aphrodisiac.

Joined: 6/11/2009

Msg: 117 (view)

Do guys like it when u call them daddy in bed? Posted: 8/9/2009 5:22:35 PM
Sounds kind of creepy to me. Not all guys have daddy/daughter fantasies but for the ones that do - psychological help is available.

Joined: 6/11/2009

Msg: 146 (view)

Should men pay half of the expense of women's birth control? Posted: 8/9/2009 4:54:49 PM
Wow. That’s sounds like a totally shallow relationship in so many ways. I have an idea for you. Just charge him a couple of dollars for each of your mating episodes and he’ll end up paying for the whole thing. You might even run a profit.

Joined: 6/11/2009

Msg: 9 (view)

Women and jobs Posted: 8/9/2009 4:33:04 PM
It is easy to get frustrated when you are trying to get the world to see things the way you want them to. But the rules have already been set (without your counsel). You must strive to be happy within that world (it’s not as cruel and unfair as it may seem). You say you are “successful” but it is obvious you are not happy. Happiness is the only success that really matters. No one will ever love you because of your successful career, no matter how great it is. The person you are on the inside and how well you translate that to others is what will draw people to you or force them away. If you want men to judge you in superficial ways you can’t decide for them which superficial means they will choose. You want them to judge you by your career but they may choose your waistline instead. You, in turn, choose to judge them by their career accomplishments hoping they will reciprocate. It is a zero sum game. Neither careers nor waistlines are any less superficial than the other and neither will help you find the thing you really want. Become an explorer of souls not this “Let me review your resume” approach. But an explorer of souls spends the most time exploring their own. I would start there first. Only when you can be happy without someone are you ready be happy with someone.

Joined: 6/11/2009

Msg: 24 (view)

Most Overrated Destinations Posted: 8/2/2009 11:13:42 AM
I have never been on a travel adventure that I did not enjoy. The deciding factor for me is always the attitude of the people I meet there. Finding other tourists is always best because they often have the same mind set as you: squeeze as much fun and memorable events out of x number of days as humanly possible. Chicago was the most work (not a welcoming bunch there and no big tourist traps) but listening to Chicago blues saved the trip. Vegas? Are you kidding? Every night is Saturday night! You give me 6 straight Saturday nights to work with anywhere and I’ll be sure to conjure up something memorable!

Joined: 6/11/2009

Msg: 24 (view)

Is it me? Posted: 7/25/2009 6:27:34 AM
You are confusing effort with banging your head against a wall. I would recommend taking a break from the dating game and take the little "find yourself" journey. What are your passions in life? Who do you want to be in 5 years? Regardless of what our culture/mass media constantly pronounces people can and do function productively without a "him and hers" towel set in the bathroom. When you have achieved self sufficiency in your physical life AND your emotional life, that is when you will attract the kind of men you really want. Nobody can give you happiness, it only comes from within.

Joined: 6/11/2009

Msg: 12 (view)

Do you ever? Posted: 7/25/2009 5:52:49 AM
The phrase "I wish I had never met him or her" to me, projects a bit of anger and gives the impression that one has great difficulty functioning on their own (Co-Dependent). It doesn't matter if it is family, friends or lovers, people will always come and go within a person's life in random fashion. I would honestly self-reflect on why I believed I needed this person so much. Needing someone and love are not even remotely the same things. My personal belief is that if you truely love someone you have no hesitation letting them go, if that is what they desire. What could possibly be more important than the wishes of your true love?

Joined: 6/11/2009

Msg: 18 (view)

Does chemistry happen immediately? Posted: 6/25/2009 8:08:39 PM
Define chemistry? Infatuation happens immediately. Deep feelings for someone does not.

Joined: 6/11/2009

Msg: 98 (view)

Do you believe the older we get, depression sneaks in? Posted: 6/25/2009 7:49:28 PM
Oh yeah. Its a constant battle to stay 3 steps ahead. Your fantasies are exposed. You've "seen the strings". You know how things really work. Reality is a great concept once you've learned it. You know what might change and what's never gonna change. Life is no longer a fairy tale. But at the same time its somewhat liberating to be free of the delutions of youth. It's useful not be walking around in a dream all the time. But a part of me still misses them!

Joined: 6/11/2009

Msg: 180 (view)

Have all the really older guys given up? Posted: 6/25/2009 7:06:27 PM
Given up what? I have a firmly planted sense of realism. So maybe I've just grown out of the naivete` I was awash in when I was 20. I read romance novels and I love the stories but do I believe life works like that? Well...

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