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 Author Thread: Help me understand one thing about break ups
 OutOf_TheBlue
Joined: 2/21/2006
Msg: 55 (view)
 
Help me understand one thing about break ups
Posted: 8/5/2006 4:01:39 PM
Yeah I agree with ^^^I haven't read all the replies but it seems if the reason you broke up involved cheating, lying, disrespect of some sort (which is fairly common, unfortunately), I'd be hard pressed to want to be around someone...I mean, if someone knowingly treats you like shit, then good riddance as far as I'm concerned
 OutOf_TheBlue
Joined: 2/21/2006
Msg: 11 (view)
 
Why is there a continual flow of insincerity?
Posted: 5/11/2006 3:51:22 PM
Well there's already like, 10 to 1 ratio of men to women online. So it's competitive. If a guy offered that he's just looking for no strings sex, that type of thing, then he's limiting himself to a very small group of women looking for the same, IME. Unless you look like Brad Pitt, have a zillion dollars...you're not going to get too many woman who want a hookup. So the guy has to offer himself as someone that more women might be interested in...even if it's a sham. Unfortunately, it's a dog-eat-dog world out there. Believe me, I know

Am I speaking from experience? No...I've mislead no one since entering the fray.

I'm just sitting on the bank fishing!
 OutOf_TheBlue
Joined: 2/21/2006
Msg: 44 (view)
 
Any men over 35 seriously looking to get married?
Posted: 5/11/2006 2:24:37 PM
Well as a relative newcomer to this middle-aged dating/fishing thing, I guess my perspective will change in time. I certainly look to marrying again someday. I just turned 42 - oh, wait 39...

After what I went through the last couple years with my ex, I know full well that I need some work...trust issues and that sort of thing. I know I can't paint all women with the same brush...but it's like that cat who got burned on the hot stove...for a while anyway. I'll get there, hopefully meet someone who can restore my faith in humanity and all that.

So, yeah it is a serious consideration for the future, but how long into the future I don't know. Being alone, or "dating" in my golden years doesn't really sound too appealing
 OutOf_TheBlue
Joined: 2/21/2006
Msg: 59 (view)
 
Blatant lies in forums - what is to be gained?????
Posted: 5/10/2006 8:13:12 AM
In my experience there are many in life who are honest, along with some who kind of twist things to suit their purposes at that moment, some who are fairly harmless BS'ers (fish stories ), and then there are those who are just outright pathological liars that just *boggle your mind* with the stuff they expect you to swallow without question...I suppose those same type of people are all here on pof...

Personally, I find life so much easier to just be straight up and honest. Anyone want to hear about the 15 lb Brown I caught up in Wyoming a couple weeks ago? OK, OK, not quite 15 but close...ok maybe more like 8...
 OutOf_TheBlue
Joined: 2/21/2006
Msg: 42 (view)
 
Starting to see the same people over and over
Posted: 5/9/2006 8:12:42 AM
I'm fairly new to the whole online thing. I browsed through match and some others about a year ago and didn't join...but check it out periodically. And yes, it seems many of the same women have been there the whole time. And these seem to be women who are looking for relationships, not a series of "flings." Not sure about men, haven't had reason to look at the guys.

I suppose these women have been finding some friends, some dates, some good times...I don't know. But it doesn't build my hopes of eventually finding something Long Term or Serious if there are so many who have been online for quite some time and are still there looking for something else. I mean, if you get to the point in a relationship where it starts to get a little serious, I personally would make my profile on the personal sites inactive to show my new s.o. that I don't view her as a stepping stone. I do know people find who they're looking for online, but it's starting to appear that many (or even most) do not.

But yeah, it does seem you see the same people over and over.

 OutOf_TheBlue
Joined: 2/21/2006
Msg: 18 (view)
 
Who DOES this???
Posted: 5/4/2006 9:05:08 AM
I would think it was kind of rude to show up at even a pretty good friend's doorstep unannounced on a Sun eve with out at least calling a little while in advance....much less someone you've known for two weeks

does not lead me to believe he has the most refined social skills

Also, 2 1/2 hr drive...what if you were out for the day/not home???

People never cease to amaze...
 OutOf_TheBlue
Joined: 2/21/2006
Msg: 471 (view)
 
Do you want a ruthless review?
Posted: 4/28/2006 9:05:43 AM
thanks very much ruth...

how much for a ticket to Wales??? JK
 OutOf_TheBlue
Joined: 2/21/2006
Msg: 435 (view)
 
Do you want a ruthless review?
Posted: 4/26/2006 8:08:38 AM
Ruthless - I'd love it if you could give me some feedback on mine...very much appreciated.

BTW, women from the UK are wonderful! I wish it wasn't quite so far!
 OutOf_TheBlue
Joined: 2/21/2006
Msg: 26 (view)
 
Do any dads get child support from the moms
Posted: 4/15/2006 9:31:15 PM
In Colorado it is a very cut & dried formula...overnights per-year for each parent, each parent's income, who pays health insurance...all gets plugged in to the worksheet and that's that. If one spouse has way fewer overnights, if one spouse has way higher income, then the $ they pay the other goes up proportionally.

I know one lady who ended up paying her ex a significant amount each month.
 OutOf_TheBlue
Joined: 2/21/2006
Msg: 13 (view)
 
Ever had trouble moving on?
Posted: 4/15/2006 8:52:07 PM
Yeah that's where I'm at--My moving on seems to be going ok, I've got enough disgust for my ex because of the person she turned into that getting past her is ok...still some love there but she managed to whittle an intense and devoted love I had for her down to nearly nothing. But yeah, gunshy now, no doubt about it.

I haven't been in a situation really to consider committing myself to anyone else (relatively recent) but I can already see it's gonna take a tremendous amount of work to lower some of the walls I know I have around myself. I'll do it, but it won't be easy.

The prospect of devoting a significant chunk of my life to someone else, and always having in the back of my mind that history could repeat and they might one day suddenly decide to bail out is pretty scary. The alternative, I know, is to never have another truly meaningful relationship, but golly, I'm not a kid anymore...

You can't live in the past...but it's hard to shut it out of your mind for sure.
 OutOf_TheBlue
Joined: 2/21/2006
Msg: 194 (view)
 
Blatant Honest Reviews
Posted: 4/15/2006 7:52:33 AM
OK. Still kinda new at the online thing--would appreciate a critique. Try not to make me cry!

 OutOf_TheBlue
Joined: 2/21/2006
Msg: 146 (view)
 
A question of purposes
Posted: 4/15/2006 7:28:59 AM
A prenup agreement is something I can sort of see both sides of. It would give protection to both. It seems it would be awkward to say the least to be in a relationship that was serious enough to begin thinking about such things--

"Um, honey? I know we've been throwing the idea of marriage around. What do you think about a, um, legal contract, a prenup?" "A PRENUP??? You callous, self-centered swine!!! I thought we were in LOVE! I never want to see you again as long as I live!" *Slams door, burns rubber down the driveway* Prenup person thinks to self, "Well. That didn't exactly go as planned."

 OutOf_TheBlue
Joined: 2/21/2006
Msg: 70 (view)
 
A question of purposes
Posted: 4/12/2006 9:42:15 PM
well put, window...

I think that if one or both people in a LTR or marriage want to explore greener pastures after a decade or two, well hey. Sad if one does not.

But much of the time there are kids...they aren't irreversably and horribly damaged by their family getting split apart, but it puts them behind the eight ball in many ways as they grow up--no way around that.

And, as I've pointed out it's been my observation that increasingly it isn't because mom hates dad or dad is beating the hell out of mom...it's just because mom (or dad) find it so easy and accepted to bail and pursue the candy. And I already feel that, the way I personally view life and relationships, that flings and casual relationships are exactly like candy. It's great now and then but eat nothing but candy for months and you start craving something a bit more real and fulfilling and nourishing.

And since so many are playing the game where they hop from relationship to relationship, marriage to marriage, devil-may-care, it's kinda hard to want to again step up and put all your cash on any of the horses in the race...it doesn't seem that any of the horses have the spirit or desire to finish the race anymore. Sorry for the strained analogy. Maybe I should stick to the slots! Greyhounds? LOL
 OutOf_TheBlue
Joined: 2/21/2006
Msg: 55 (view)
 
A question of purposes
Posted: 4/12/2006 7:55:30 PM
I think there's some truth that some (no not all) women do measure their relationship by "feelings" they might have or not have. I'm not talking about marriages/relationships that are stone cold dead for a very long time, with really no love, passion, romance at all and neither spouse wants to try and get any going...but the typical highs and lows, the fact that after being together for many years it is a different type of thing than sparks & fireworks & giddy "crush" feelings. It is work to keep a bit of fire going, and many people (men included) decide it's too damn much work, and then a new person comes along and...it's all over. I've lived it and observed it time and again, and the pursuit of the high you get from a new fling seems to be an increasingly accepted reason behind many people splitting these days.

The thing is, there is a whole spectrum of things that make up a good relationship. Respect, trust, faithfulness, character, devotion to the marriage and family itself. These things are basic fundamentals in life in general, and when the trust and respect and character are broken, they are almost impossible to restore. The feelings, the romance, that can come and go, be built back in most cases if both are willing--but once you display lack of character and dishonesty, lack of loyalty...it knocks the marriage into a deep, deep hole that is nearly impossible to get out of. It can be done, but it takes more work than most are willing to do.

I think the ones that "get" this are in large part those who are able to have good, long or even lifelong marriages--they ride out and work through the lows (and have the character to avoid EMA's) and build on the highs...many of the ones that don't make it through are some of the walking wounded on pof and such, who are either ridiculously gunshy about a new LTR or are those who seek those intense new "feelings" and then bail when they die down...wash, rinse, repeat...and both of those end up going through the years with some relationships but ultimately a lot of emptiness and lack of anything permanent or fulfilling. I hope I am proven wrong (before I'm say 70 or 80 years old, lol), but at this stage I look around and talk to lots of divorced people (they're amazingly abundant, lol) and its a bit discouraging.
 OutOf_TheBlue
Joined: 2/21/2006
Msg: 48 (view)
 
A question of purposes
Posted: 4/12/2006 2:54:54 PM
I don't have references, but there has been studies that when you are in the "infatuation/crush" early stage of a relationship with a new person, brain chemicals are very much in action--literally a high. Mother Nature's way of getting people together physically. Not the same as "love," but often confused.

Character and honesty should over ride that if it happens outside of who you are committed/married to, but as we all know, many in this world have little or no character or honesty and succumb to the temptations.
 OutOf_TheBlue
Joined: 2/21/2006
Msg: 44 (view)
 
A question of purposes
Posted: 4/12/2006 2:44:12 PM
I find the notion a little disturbing that since attitudes re. marriage have changed from a hundred years ago (they have), that it's ok to divorce or "dump" someone as soon as feelings subside. The vast majority of people do still go to the church and take their vows before God, make promises to God and each other. Now, I'm not pushing the God bit here, just making a point, which is, has that become meaningless? Sadly, for many today the answer is yes.

Any marriage that lasts 10, 20, 50 years is going to have highs and lows, including times where it seems throwing in the towel is the way to go...but more and more often, and for (IMO, especially with young kids involved), almost silly reasons, people call it quits when they hit a low spot.

And I observe people trading spouses and significant others around these days like baseball teams--which I guess is fine and fun for those who are into it, but for those of us who look forward to something a bit more real and fulfilling in our lives, well I'm left sort of wondering where the hell do I fit into this? lol

J
 OutOf_TheBlue
Joined: 2/21/2006
Msg: 36 (view)
 
A question of purposes
Posted: 4/12/2006 2:17:31 PM
I think from my pov, it seems to be more of a kind of disturbing trend--that women increasingly are "dumping" their husbands for the possibility of greener grass. Not ALL women, and not to mention men are as guilty or more guilty (I realize you can't generalize "all women" or "everybody" but it seems to be an observable trend from where I sit). I'm 42 and in the last 15 - 20 years it's been my observation that more and more women are initiating divorce (statistics bear this out, many more women are the Petitioner in divorces and it's increasing) than before, and in my little world anyway, it seems divorce is less and less often for abuse, drugs & alcohol, that type of thing but more often because it's sort of the way things are done these days. The sparks/feelings die down, a new guy creates sparks/feelings, so...game over.

In my case it pretty much came suddenly out of nowhere, and there are three young kids--us four were left in shock. My ex had no real issues--a great life, great family--exept she decided the sparks had died down after 17 years together--she decided this by discovering that a new guy is fun and thrilling in a way I could not be, and...off she went. I did share the blame--I should have tried to keep the fire and romance a little stronger...I tried (too late) to work these things through but divorce was so simple, and so accepted these days, that it wasn't worth the effort for her. She had a fun new guy! No work involved there...why bother?

Now again, certainly not all women get to this point and do this, but it seems to be an attitude and approach that is becoming the norm rather than the exception. And again yes, men are guilty as well--but I'm not contemplating men and future relationship possibilities with men, I'm thinking about and observing my "dating pool" which is going to be almost entirely middle-aged, divorced women.

So, I guess I'm seeing all these instances where women do increasingly bail for greener grass, vows, commitment and honesty seem nearly meaningless these days, and I read all these threads here and elsewhere where women lament that men tell them what they want to hear, get a relationship going, and often as not the guy will flake out and move on.

So it seems the divorce culture in this country has become a vicious circle--women get guys who lead them up to a point and disappear, and a lot of men (not all) do this because they are often scared to death that getting married again will result in them being cast off at some point in the future. Why? Because (many) women do take the approach that "feelings" are the end all, be all and when the feelings die down, its easy and accepted to get a trade-in...which leads to guys who tend to get scared and bail...and so it goes.

Now, is there an answer or solution to this? Probably not. I work hard every day not to believe I'm a just a victim, and to move onward and forward in my life--but as I look at the relationship aspect of moving forward, I find myself a little skeptical and jaded at this point because as I look around there seems to be a lot of reason for a pessimistic outlook even though I try hard to find otherwise. And I also realize that nothing's certain in life and you have to take risks for possible future rewards...But it's all worthy of discussion, I guess.

J
 OutOf_TheBlue
Joined: 2/21/2006
Msg: 14 (view)
 
Big Get-Together in Colorado Springs
Posted: 2/22/2006 3:36:18 PM
Hi Colorado people

I'm brand new here, but I'd be into a get together. I'm about 30 - 40 minutes down the road in Pueblo.

Jeff
 OutOf_TheBlue
Joined: 2/21/2006
Msg: 21 (view)
 
I will review your profile...
Posted: 2/22/2006 3:33:58 PM
OK Liz

I'm fairly new at all this online stuff. Keep in mind that I probably am looking for a different sort of friendship/relationship experience than many on here due to being recently single after a long time, and having kids in my life.

Thanks!
 
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