Trying to be careful with religious choices for my daughter. chat & forums.

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amominmn

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 20 (view)

Trying to be careful with religious choices for my daughter. Posted: 9/2/2009 9:14:24 PM
OP: I'm in a similar circumstance with my daughter, though she's not old enough yet to really worry about it. I have not had her baptized, as I have pretty much decided that I don't want to deal with someone else telling me how to interpret something, instead, I have multiple versions of the bible in english and spanish and have a more self-directed view of things. However, my extended family of good friends is very catholic on one side and evangelical on the other with a smattering of others thrown in for variety. I've decided that my daughter will be the only one to decide her religion. She can go to different services, and we do, depending on family funtions, holiday invites etc. I know where I stand, but I'm not going to make that choice for her and believe that allowing her to be exposed to all of it from an early age will make it easier on her when she's ready to decide where she wants her religious life to go.

amominmn

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 12 (view)

Need Help from Those Who've been There Posted: 8/31/2009 12:35:10 PM
In MN, we're still kind of backward. It's not the better parent who gets the child, but the one who is willing to jump through the legal loops. I did everything the court asked of me, and he didn't do anything they ordered and so I was awarded full legal and physical custody. He didn't even get any kind of visitation, as that was dependant upon the completion of parenting classes and one-on-one time with a parenting expert due to the threat to kidnap. He also denied being her father, till the DNA test came back and said that he was too macho to have a daughter, which may have turned the judge away a bit, but bottom line was that I showed the court how badly I wanted her and he turned an indiferent face to putting the effort into it.

amominmn

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 8 (view)

Need Help from Those Who've been There Posted: 8/30/2009 1:38:09 PM
Thank you carterscutie. I can't have the visits in my home, as my father is in no way shape or form willing to allow him to set foot on our property, but I will take her to a park that she's familiar with, so that she's comfortable. He has zero chance for any kind of unsupervised time with her, he never went through the court ordered classes to qualify for supervised visitiation, so I don't see them being willing to let him have anything of that nature now. I will always be present, no matter what. Putting the money into her account though is something that I had never thought of, that would be a great way to do it, since I already have a CD established for her that I can add to as I want. I think that you're right on the money about my feelings to, that I see the person I thought he was versus who he is and more time will help reinforce that, and I will never meet with him if his gf is not present, I don't want ANY chance of misunderstandings to arise.

amominmn

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 6 (view)

Need Help from Those Who've been There Posted: 8/29/2009 9:04:25 PM
I guess I can see that, superdad, but I think that, for us, in my situation, her knowing her dad would give her a better grounding for her future than having more money spent on her. But, I've also been told I'm selfish for wanting to know that I CAN support her by myself and have not accepted the offers of food stamps and stuff that have come my way. In SE MN, dads get raked over the coals a lot and moms get brought into the "free" money for kids game because of pushy workers. I don't know if it's just because I live in a smaller county or what, but the workers push like THEY get a bonus if they get more people signed up.

amominmn

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 4 (view)

Need Help from Those Who've been There Posted: 8/29/2009 8:51:39 PM
Just so you know, job or no job, they will persue him for child support. If he doesn't pay they WILL take his drivers lic. and then jail. It's his obligation to his daughter to help support her, weather you need the help or not. Yes and no, with times being what they are, the county I live in passed a hardship ammentment that will give him a year of leeway to find a new job once he's registered with them again. I just don't know how they're going to view it what with his not notifying them when he left the country for 2 yrs. I'm hoping they'll take the family hardship thing into account, since I'm on record telling them that I don't care about the money, though I realize that they are persuing their money more than anything.

amominmn

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 1 (view)

Need Help from Those Who've been There Posted: 8/29/2009 8:29:36 PM
Last night, I went for my bi-weekly dance outing with my friends, and for the first time in over two years, I saw my daughter's father. I never truely expected to see him again, since the last time was in court and he threatened to kidnap and all. At first, it was really wierd, he just kept staring at me to the point that my friends had formed a wall around me, which bugged the heck out of me. Finally, his girlfriend asked me to come talk to her in the bathroom which, aside from leaving the building, was the quietest place to talk. She and I had a really long conversation about the circumstances surrounding Felipe and I parting ways and the reason for him not having any visitation. I also passed to her the information that I had gotten from his cousins in the meantime. After I talked to her for a while, she convinced me to talk to him, she said that he only wants to have a chance to get to know his daughter. It had come out in the conversation that most of what I had been told was new to her, and since he'd apparently gone back to Mexico right after the last court hearing because his father died, I was really questioning what I had been told, especially since he would have had to have been in two places at once to have the kids I was told he now has. One thing he never was was a liar, though I was willing to believe it of him when I left. It turns out that these cousins were telling me a LOT of lies, trying to impress me and get into my life. Since I'm not really into the idea of dating the whole family, it wouldn't have worked anyway, but I believed them over him, because he underwent such a severe personality change once I was pregnant. During our conversation, two things were evident. He would give everything he has to be part of his daughter's life, and the depression that was (I believe) the root cause of his huge personality swing has been treated. He burst into tears just to see the picture of her that I had on my phone. I have him convinced to call the child support office first thing monday morning so that they can get his new information and halt the contempt of court paperwork that's in process and told him to call me once that was done. He is currently unemployed, so they can't really pursue him for income he doesn't have. I'm not interested in his money, like I told him, I've been financially supporting her alone all this time, so the money is not important to me, but the state is going to pursue it due to the medical assistance that they had to give me when the baby was born. He is going to call me when he has all of his information in the system so that I an call the worker who calls me monthly to see if I have any new info on him and make sure that he IS registered in the system. Now that I've given a novel's worth of back information, here come the questions: We talked about taking her to the park and other such public places with me, him, his gf and my daughter so that she could get to know her daddy, and I know that I do have the right to do that, even though he never took the classes he was ordered to take due to leaving to be with his father, but what I'm concerned about is whether I should have a friend of my own along with me, just in case I'm being too dam trusting (again.) I do not want to jeopordize my daughter, but I feel it would be VERY important for her to get to know her father and have SOME kind of relationship with him. Suggestions, differing point of views? The second, on seeing him all straighted out and stuff, I realized that I do still have feelings for this man. It was obvious last night that he also still has feelings for me, too, but he did nothing inapropriate as he didn't want to hurt his new gf. They've been together since about a month before he had to go back to Mexico, so a month 2 yrs ago and about another month and a half now. I know that I will NOT break them up, that's hardly fair to her, since she's head over heels for him and when he's got everything in order, he's a good guy. Not to mention, that I've changed quite a bit since my baby was born. I guess the question is more along the lines of how to KEEP it in a platonic state since I think that my reaction is more hormonal than anything, he's safe and familiar and not to be crass, but it's been a LONG time since I've been initmate with anyone. I do not want tension between him and I while he's getting to know his daughter, I want it to be a happy experience for all concerned. If I'm relaxed, so is she. Thank you in advance to those who read through this whole novel, and any all advise, help, or differing view points are welcome.

amominmn

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 32 (view)

Is there a bounce back from this? Posted: 8/29/2009 7:16:06 PM
I think your friends ruined your relationship :-). Why make such a big deal that people have to come from the kitchen to "confirm" if it happened? I guess I can see that side of that as well, but I guess I didn't make it clear enough, they're his friends too. We all worked together in a restaurant that tanked, then moved to Applebee's together too...LOL I was the first to jump that ship....

amominmn

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 26 (view)

Is there a bounce back from this? Posted: 8/28/2009 11:16:42 AM
Thanks again for all the responses, and the laughs! He called me at work today just to apologize for not returning my calls, and I called him back when I got done. We're going back to the friends thing, he really didn't think about the mom factor involved in dating a...oh wow...MOM. LOL It's ok though, I think the friendship is a much more important factor than the relationship. He's a good guy, but he feels (and after talking to him, I have started wondering that myself) that maybe he was willing to take it to the dating side because of the fact that I have become a lot more self confident in my singlehood, but he's just in a different point in his life. I can understand that, he's only 24 and single, I'm 28 with a 2 1/2 yr old. BTW: My friendly cooks made sure to pass the word far and wide, so this evening's dance outing should be very interesting! LOL

amominmn

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 7 (view)

Is there a bounce back from this? Posted: 8/27/2009 8:48:47 PM
Thanks for the responses. I think I just was able to recover a bit faster than he was. I'll just lay low for a bit and see what he does. LOL

amominmn

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 1 (view)

Is there a bounce back from this? Posted: 8/27/2009 8:08:11 PM
So, I've been seeing a guy for about a month now, and we've known each other for like 4 years, been very close friends and all, but just decided to start the dating thing, since we both felt some chemistry. While we were at dinner the other night (my daughter was with a babysitter, not at the restaurant) he had a really nasty buger hanging from his nose, and for some reason I just did what came natural, I grabbed a tissue out of my purse and held it up to his nose and told him to blow. I was MORTIFIED, he wasn't so very thrilled either. The waiter saw the whole thing, and was laughing so hard he could hardly walk and he went back into the kitchen and told a friend of ours who was working that night which led to 3 cooks coming out front to ask if it really happened. (Love em dearly, but most of my friends don't understand the idea of just letting something slide.) So, we had the heckling from the guys and the waiter couldn't look us in the eye for the rest of the meal. He played it pretty cool though and told me it was ok, it could have happened to anyone and not to worry about it. It's been three days now and he's not returning my phone calls. I can understand (and feel) the embarassment, but I'm wondering if I should even bother persuing the continuation, or just let him fade off into the sunset and hope that in time we can be friends again?

amominmn

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 15 (view)

Help! (Again Please?) In trouble at school, in trouble at home too? Posted: 8/25/2009 9:00:08 PM
My daughter had the same issue when it came time to go back to daycare after 2 weeks at grandmas. She screamed herself sick when she was dropped off, cried and pouted all day long, and when I picked her up, she begged me not to take her back there. Granted, she's only 2 1/2, but I sat down with her, and explained that mommy HAS to go to work because we have to have the money to pay the bills etc and that in time, SHE'S the one who'll have to go to school (hopefully, she starts in January, first round of testing is next week) and mommy will miss her, but we have to be responsible people and as we get bigger, so do the responsibilities. All it takes now to calm her down is just to remind her "I don't LIKE to have to be away from you, but"...and she finishes with ..."it's sponsible an I a big girl. It's ok. Te quiero much much mucho." It's become the routine, and it helps, at least for us.

amominmn

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 17 (view)

How to handle cursing Posted: 8/25/2009 8:48:30 PM
Here they alternate between using the names Headstart and Voluntary Pre-K, and it is a charter school of the county school district. i is the only pre-school, we dont have seperate pre-schools for low income and higher income families, everyone goes to the same pre-school. It is a public school just like any other public school. You certainly do not have to be poor for your kid to go to pre-school where i live. Same where I'm at and in most of the smaller towns around me. In SE MN, most of the small towns only have head start for the pre-k classes. The stuff that's called preschool really doesn't get them ready for kindergarten, and the kids go 1 or 2 years there, a year to head start then off the kindergarten. Or, you can just put em in head start an skip the preschool stuff.

amominmn

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 13 (view)

Dating a single mother with a baby Posted: 8/18/2009 7:53:01 PM
I think that it's all about time. The baby is still tiny, and needs you a lot more right now than she will in a year or two or 5, and, in my experience, didn't leave me a lot of time for dating either. The most important thing I learned was not to push it. I was gullible enough to start a relationship with a man when my daughter was a month old. He didn't seem to care that I had the baby, but really he liked the fact that I couldn't go out with him and such because it gave him all the cover he needed to have his OTHER girlfriends with him. Since then, I haven't really been looking for a relationship, and out of the blue, I reconnected with a guy that I knew for about 5 yrs before I met my daughter's father. It's amazing what can happen when you're not looking. We are moving slowly, but the chemistry is amazing. Well worth the wait. Just my 2 cents.

amominmn

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 13 (view)

Hugs: Harmless or Meaningful Posted: 8/16/2009 7:07:17 PM
To me, a hug is a hug. Close friends I haven't seen in a while, people I think of as family, the folks I used to work with, actual family (for the most part, have a second cousin who will grab a cheap feel...eeeeewww....) in short, people I'm comfortable around all get hugs. I guess I wouldn't read anything into unless he said he has a thing about physical contact.

amominmn

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 37 (view)

Rebelious 2 year Olds Posted: 8/16/2009 6:50:43 PM
I don't believe that she was trying to see how much she could push me, but in the 2 spanking instances, I didn't have an alternate punishment. In the first, I had just picked her up to get her away from the road when a large tractor was coming by and she stripped off her dress to get out of my hands to run INTO the road. Thankfully, the neighbor on the tractor saw the whole thing and was able to stop, but I still had a heart attack seeing her running for that huge machine. The 2nd, she was trying to take food away from our dogs, and she had just kicked the older one hard enough to dislocate his hip. I realize that there are a lot of people who think that spanking is wrong, but in severe cases where her not listening can get her harmed, I feel it is better to have her know that there ARE extreme consequences for extreme actions. Do I spank her every time she acts out? No, only when her well being is threatened by her not listening. This is my stance on the issue, and I know I'll probably get blasted for it, but such is life. Once she calms down, I ALWAYS sit down with her and talk about how her behavior makes me feel, what we can do in the future and I ask her if I did something that upset her, and how she feels etc. I know that's a bit deep for a 2 yr old, but she DOES understand.

amominmn

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 15 (view)

Bullying of single parents. Posted: 8/15/2009 9:40:36 PM
My Dad's family is from Newfoundland and I cannot see any of them uneducated or not thinking this way. It sounds like she is making this up. Breast feeding is not natural????? I heard the breastfeeding thing when I was preg too, my first choice was to breast feed and one of the OB Residents, during one of my exams, was trying to explain to me that it just isn't a natural course for a woman's body, yadda yadda yadda. I switched hospitals and never heard it again.

amominmn

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 23 (view)

why the rush for the bed Posted: 8/15/2009 9:24:49 PM
LOL After last night, I have a feeling that alcohol removes whatever safety blocks exist between a man's brain and his mouth. I ran into some friends I haven't seen since before I got preggers and they were celebrating the 21st birthday of the nephew of a friend of mine. I've known this young man since he was 15, took him for his drivers test, etc etc etc, and while I was dancing with him, he asked if I'd spend the night in a motel with him (he offered to pay) as his birthday gift. I'm glad he was drunk, because that seemed to soften the blow that I still see him as that 15 yr old kid I helped with his math homework! His uncle also made the offer (on his own behalf, not for his nephew) in front of his girlfriend, who doesn't speak a word of spanish and so didn't know he was trying to hook up with someone else. Now, to be fair, it's not just men who will say anything to get lucky, I know just as many women as men who do this.

amominmn

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 22 (view)

Note to single parents.... Posted: 8/15/2009 9:03:06 PM
I just started doing this. Up till last month, I was 24/7 mom mode. No time just to be me, I didn't take any time really, for the things I enjoy. I finally hit a point where I just HAD to get out and rediscover who I am/was/where the heck I'm going with my life. I love my daughter, she is the light of my life, but I can't live vicariously through her. Now, I have set things up with my father, at least once a month, maybe twice, I get a Friday night off to go dancing once she's asleep for the night. He takes over the night shift, and I get to go dance again. Last night was my night, and I hurt like heck today, but I am not nearly so stressed.

amominmn

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 30 (view)

Rebelious 2 year Olds Posted: 8/15/2009 8:45:55 PM
Now im not saying beat her or anything like that but she needs to know that ur the boss and if she does wrong she will be punished for that She does have punishments and boundries. She just likes to push them. I don't HIT her, but she has gotten a good swat or 2 to the rear when she REALLY crosses the line. I just try to focus more on what she does well, versus what she's doing wrong. I guess it's kind of the ignore it unless it's dangerous thing so that she has to be good to get the extra attention she wants. We're going on a week of hour or less naps and it really does seem to be helping. We still have not had any MAJOR problems, she does what she should be doing and only pushes a little, just to see. She's also, just in the last 2 days, decided that she's done with diapers "cause only babies have them." Fingers tightly crossed, and knocking on every piece of wood I can find. We haven't even had any accidents yet!

amominmn

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 20 (view)

Rebelious 2 year Olds Posted: 8/11/2009 9:01:31 PM
PurpleMarker: I do let her fold all of her own laundry, and she's so proud of herself when she gets to put it all away! She got to choose what stuff goes in which drawer on her dresser, so she can always find her own clothes for the day and put away the clean stuff. I don't mind that most of it is pretty wrinkly, I learned pretty quickly that going along behind and refolding her clothes was frustrating for her, so I just let her be. She also gets out the pots and pans for me when we're making dinner, I just tell her what I need and she gets them for me! It's a nice game for her. Since I posted this thread, her babysitter and I have cut her naps back to just one hour at most, and it seems like she's evening out pretty well, she may just have been sleeping too much. It's kinda soon to tell, obviously, but I had to take a sick day from work today and we had NO problems at all.

amominmn

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 10 (view)

Rebelious 2 year Olds Posted: 8/9/2009 7:43:03 PM
Thank you all for the advise! I did some research on the EFT stuff, and I've already been doing some of it, but I didn't know what it was. I'll definately be working on that!

amominmn

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 11 (view)

Part of His Family? Posted: 8/9/2009 7:36:00 PM
Well, for those who were interested in an update, we had a pretty good time at the party and I learned quite a bit about what my ex has been up to! My daughter has a half sister who is 2 1/2 months younger than her and a half brother who is a year younger. They are both now in Mexico as their mothers returned to their families as soon as they broke off with Senor Estupido. I had also forgotten just HOW religious this branch of the family was, as it has been so long since I've seen them. I've never been to a baptism party where it was encouraged for all present to cry in repentance of their sins, but hey, always time for something new, right? LOL I don't mean any disrespect for anyone or their religion, I'm just not into organized religion and just feel that it was a bit odd not to have been warned. I'm not the only one either though, there were a number of us who decided that our kids had to have new diapers about this time. Ah well, they're really nice people, and I will be making sure that my daughter spends more time with them in the future, though probably on play dates and such and not holidays and other religious type times. The other part of the party that confused me was the line-up of cousins who were willing to "take us in and take care of us since her father was such a failure." They actually expected me to choose one on the spot!! LOL Felt like a picky brood-mare presented with a line of prospecitve studs. I explained that I'm not really in the market for a signifigant other at the moment, kind of having enough on my plate with having to find a new job and all, and was told not to worry, just let them know if I needed anything, from money to a new car!! I didn't really know what to do, so I just thanked them all politely and said that if I made a decision, I'd let them know. That was our evening in a nutshell, thanks everyone for the support!!

amominmn

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 6 (view)

Rebelious 2 year Olds Posted: 8/8/2009 6:24:33 PM
She is completely involved, when I wash dishes, she dries her cups and plates (plastic lol) and folds her own clothes and such, when she feels like it. Most of the time, she just wants to throw things around.

amominmn

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 4 (view)

Rebelious 2 year Olds Posted: 8/7/2009 8:40:24 PM
what do you guys do when you spend the day with her? We are constantly on the move. We usually have some shopping to do, errands to run, I make sure to take her to the park so she can run out some energy, and we go visiting. The thing is tho, we're home for nap time (1 or 2 till 3 or 4) and after that, it's time to start getting dinner ready, fold laundry, etc--usually. I don't like to sit around with nothing to do, and I think my munchkin has learned that from me! lol Sweetness: Thanks for the advice, I do try to let her chose as much as she can on a daily basis.

amominmn

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 1 (view)

Rebelious 2 year Olds Posted: 8/7/2009 8:12:02 PM
I'm just looking for advise from others who've been through or are in this stage. I'm starting to get a bit frazzled around the edges. My daughter is 2 1/2 years old, and has been pushing for her independence since she realized that she could remove her own clothing. We've gotten an understanding there by switching to all dresses. Now, her big thing is to break every rule that she knows she has, when it's only her and I. At the babysitter, when my dad's home, if there's ANYONE else around, she is a doll. She still has her moments and tantrums, but by and large, she knows her rules. If we are spending a day together, she starts out well, but after she gets up from her nap, all heck breaks loose. Today, I literally had to put every chair, stool, and moveable object that she could use to climb on things into the garage to keep her out of the cupboards because she figured out where my dad keeps his candy stash. She then proceeded to start throwing things at me, so most of her toys followed the chairs. I put her in time out, I put her in her room, I did everything I could think of to try to reason with her, but by the time my dad got home from work, I was reallllllllyyyy ready to run away. And as soon as he came in, she was all good again. This is our pattern when I have a day off to spend the whole day with her. If I work, I still spend the whole afternoon with her and she's fine. It's just when I have the whole day off. I'm starting to wonder if she's striking out at me for not spending enough time with her or if she wants less time with me, I don't know. She is a very intelligent little person, completely able to express herself and her needs, wants, and desires. She amazes her doctor with her communication skills, and understands her rules, because they're not that hard: No Hitting, No Throwing Things, Dirty Clothes in the Laundry Basket, Put Toys Away Before Pulling out More, Don't do ANYTHING to the Kitty that you Wouldn't Want Done to You. I'm just at a loss for why this is happening, and HOW to effectively convince her to stop. Time out/going to her room doesn't do a whole lot of good, as she either leaves the assigned area to hit me some more or screams/cries till she vomits, which is kind of a free pass out, cause I really don't want her doing that. I love my daughter and this pattern concerns me, especially since I just found out that my hours at work are going to be reduced, so I'll probably have to get a second job, which means even less time with her.

amominmn

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 44 (view)

How loud is too loud when does it become a turn off? Posted: 8/3/2009 11:24:33 AM
When I can't be loud I'm a biter....me, him, the pillow....lol....made for some interesting times...

amominmn

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 9 (view)

Part of His Family? Posted: 8/2/2009 6:24:24 PM
Thank you everyone for the advise. I called her and she assures me that she hasn't invited him to the party since "it's meant for families not deadbeats." (I'm kinda curious as to what happened that changed her opion of him so severely, but I'm not going to ask!) I will be taking her to the baptism and all and I really hope it goes well. Just cause her dad doesn't want anything to do with her doesn't mean I need to keep her separate from the rest of her family.

amominmn

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 5 (view)

Part of His Family? Posted: 8/2/2009 6:29:37 AM
Thank you packagedeal!

amominmn

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 3 (view)

Part of His Family? Posted: 8/1/2009 9:26:18 PM
I don't know, they just completely cut me out when I left him, and never have acknowledged the baby. That's why I'm so confused. I've never met his folks, they live in Mexico, but have met a brother and several cousins, aunts and uncles, and it's like they just forgot who I was or decided that I no longer existed, with the exception of one of his cousins who is still an aquaintance of mine. (I wouldn't say friend, we worked together and say hi if we see each other in passing, but not much else.)

amominmn

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 1 (view)

Part of His Family? Posted: 8/1/2009 9:17:01 PM
This might seem like a strange thing, but I ran into my ex's aunt yesterday when I took my daughter to a fair. I haven't seen her since my daughter was like 4 months old, and she completely ignored me. When we saw her yesterday, she was all love and sunshine and we talked for quite a while. We had been pretty good friends while I was with her nephew, but obviously, haven't seen each other for some time. She insisted on buying us dinner, refered to my ex as "that drunk" (ie: Has that drunk done anything to try to get his child support paid or earn visitation?) and invited me to her daughter's baptism next week. I'm completely turned around on this. Part of it is that I never knew my ex as a drinker, I don't drink, and he never did around me. He would when with friends, but respected my personal choice. The other side of it is that while I don't think she knows that he threatened to kidnap my daughter while we were in court, it's strange to see this big a turn around, he always used to be her favorite. So, given the background information, what would you do in my position? I would like to go to the baptism, and the party thereafter and let my daughter meet some of her family. I don't want her to be completely separated from them just because he's not part of her life, if they are willing to allow me in it seems like that would be the best thing for her. On the other side of the coin, this came so completely out of the clear blue sky that I'm floored. The others from his family that I've run into over the last 2 years have ignored me like she did, so is it worth the risk that only she and her family will even acknowledge us with the rest ignoring her? My daughter is a very bright and outgoing child, and I realize that she's only 2 1/2, but I also don't want to take her to a gathering of people who are going to ignore her either, because she will notice. Anyone ever been in this situation before?

amominmn

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 4 (view)

Torn Posted: 7/26/2009 6:54:55 PM
Fair enough. On the "pros"-he is a very kind, attentive person. He actually listens (or seems to) and was mostly supportive of decisions I've made for myself to make things better for my daughter. He's great with her, she hasn't seen him since September, but was calling him Apa (her name for him) again within 2 hours Saturday morning. He makes me feels comfortable and secure when I'm with him, but my gut says this is not something I want to start over again.

amominmn

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 1 (view)

Torn Posted: 7/26/2009 6:31:01 PM
I really need some advice from another point of view, for a more general perspective. I have dated one person since my daughter was born, and started dating him when she was a month old. We've been friends for a long time, his sister is my best friend, that's how I met him. When I was in the hospital after the baby was born, he brought me flowers, books and a couple decent meals. I was hit hard by postpartum depression, and he seemed like a dream come to life. It didn't take too long for me to start seeing that he had an issue with not telling all of the truth, leaving out details like the fact that he "forgot" to tell his ex that they were done when he started dating me. He also "forgot" to tell me about the gal he started seeing after we'd been together almost a year and had promised exclusivity. I was with him a total of a year and a half, and was happy, when we were together, till little details like those above were mentioned. I broke it off with him last September because he was jealous of the fact that I got a new job so that I could spend part of each day with my daughter instead of dropping her off at the babysitter for 14 hours, 6 days a week so that I could work splits in a restaurant and keep the bills paid. He thought it was to avoid him (we worked together) and didn't think it fair for me to be willing to stay up later and nap in the afternoon with my daughter so that I could still have the time with him that we had had. I still have very strong feelings for him, and I will admit that right out front. I haven't seen him all that much since then, but this weekend, his sister got married. We were brought into close proximity again, as we were both in the wedding. I was talking to his niece and she told me how badly his girlfriend is using him. Apparently, he is fully aware that she is just using him till she gets off parole and can move back to Mississippi, and now I am too. He called me today, begging for another chance, that he's never had a girlfriend who loves him for him, and not what he can do for them, and he never agreed to us splitting in the first place. He wants back into my life, but I'm afraid to let him in. His sister says that he made his bed, let him lie in it. My family doesn't think that he's boyfriend material, because he did cheat before. SO, I guess the question really is this, once a cheater, always a cheater or can he change?

amominmn

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 97 (view)

Time for a showdown with the negative ones... Posted: 7/21/2009 12:50:56 PM
Just have to throw in a few cents more... I do admit that while bosoxfaninwa, m_church, and futureshock do seem to come on a little strong, I've, personally, learned quite a bit from the posts that they make. They are all intelligent people who do take the time to know where they're coming from when they start/enter into a discussion. They all have a habit of bringing up the less flattering aspects of single parenthood, but I've seen them give credit where it's due. I think that they are more of a devil's advocate type thing that, at least for me, makes me think and points my browser in other directions to check up on some of what they say. Just me, but it seems kinda strange that the ones who supposedly do the bashing are the ones who get bashed the most....I dunno....

amominmn

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 5 (view)

Dating as a single parent! Posted: 7/19/2009 7:23:51 PM
Dating for socialization is much more fun, and a way to reconnect with yourself. I agree! I'm just starting to get back into the social dating scene, and would rather be sure of myself first before I try to bring another person in. Plus, I have some very protective friends who are trying to "help" me, but they keep scaring off their own blind date selections so I can just enjoy what ever activity is in the offing. (Grill out, play date for the kiddos, whatever.)

amominmn

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 36 (view)

Time for a showdown with the negative ones... Posted: 7/19/2009 7:10:21 PM
I think that these forums are a great tool for learning from others' experience or for getting advise. I have seen some threads where things turn ugly, and have gotten bothered by them myself. However, just think of this: say you're in a conversation with someone, face to face, who has an opposite view of things from you, and can support their findings. Now, obviously, you do NOT have to agree with them, you are entitled to your own opinion. Face to face does offer the one advantage though of body language. When I type something, I'm thinking it the way that I say it. When someone else reads it, they interpret it the way that THEY would expect it to come out. If someone has a huge sarcastic side to them, or speaks with irony normally, this may not come accross in their posting, and it may appear that they are seriously bashing when they don't mean to. I've started taking what I read with a grain of salt, I have enough other things in my life to worry about than is so-and-so insulting me?? If I post a question, it's a genuine one and I will take the varied opinions of all, because that's what I was looking for, a different view point. If something doesn't occur to me, can I get angry with the one who brought it to my attention?

amominmn

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 6 (view)

Blind Dates Posted: 7/18/2009 8:43:27 PM
bleh.....you will be writing a thread in a few months crying that nobody cares about you. Nah, I have a tremendous support group and I love em all dearly, but some days....lol Thanks for the responses, I think that I'm just seeing it in a wierd light because I'm shy, and they know that I am. I just got off the phone with the one responsible for 6 of the guys I met last night while out dancing with them and he says that part of it is that they're worried for me because my best friend is getting married on the 25th and they don't want me to be la unica padrina sola, but I don't really mind being single as much as they seem to mind me being so.

amominmn

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 1 (view)

Blind Dates Posted: 7/18/2009 8:11:54 PM
I'm just kind of curious to see if maybe my pool of friends is a bit different than most, so I just wanted to throw this out there. As I am a single mother and have only dated 1 guy since my daughter's father. (BIG mistake!) my friends have all decided that I should be actively dating and will invite me for different things (ex: lets get the kids together at the park, having a grill-out at so-n-so's house, hey-your daughter is with your mom for the weekend? lets make it a big group for dancing tonight, etc) and there will inveriably be someone (or more than one) that my friends think might be "perfect" for me. They will then watch like hawks as the event progresses and if they think something's not going well, they decend, one at a time, asking if everything's alright. Just a background, they are mostly hispanic, married men that i worked in a restaurant with, and their wives/SO's and/or kids are present. I've told them repeatedly that this is not going to get me "fixed-up" as I'm not comfortable in these situations, and if they really want to help, t'would be nice if my "primos" could just back off a bit and let ME live my life. Has anyone else ever run into this type of a situation? Any random thoughts on blind dating?

amominmn

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 45 (view)

Guns and the giggle factor?LOL Posted: 7/14/2009 9:28:22 PM
You've reminded me of the day my father decided that he needed a new rifle. This isn't really on the topic of gun control, but it's my fave gun memory. We live in the country, and as many other country folks know, there are a number of people who think it's more humane to drop off an unwanted dog to let it "run free" than it is to send it to a shelter. There was one summer when the feral dogs got to be too many and the county started putting bounties on them because they were killing livestock. We had a new-born foal in the pasture and a pack of these dogs came after her and her mother. The mare was an old hand at getting rid of unwanted dogs and got her baby safely to the barn. Dad got out his gun. I don't know what kind it was, it was a very very old rifle that his grandfather gave to him. One shot in the air scared all but one of the dogs away and that one came toward the house while dad was reloading. He got off one more shot and the barrel split. He hadn't hit the dog, so he just chucked his gun at it--and broke it's neck. We all laughed so hard, it was a one in a million chance to hit just right, but now every time I hear the phrase, "guns don't kill people" I have to giggle.

amominmn

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 86 (view)

40% Babies Born to Single Women 2007/ Why is This Happening? Posted: 7/14/2009 2:15:56 PM
I would like to know how women who are not married make the decision to have a child. Are they hoping to marry the father of the child one day? Are they having a child with no plans to marry or stay with the father? Or any other thoughts? I cannot answer for anyone other than myself, but just want to add my two cents here. I have been treated all of my life for some severe hormonal issues (placed on hormone therapy at 11) because I lost the hereditary lottery. My boyfriend of over 2 yrs and I were planning on marriage, but never planned on having children because of this, though were considering looking to adopt. (Long story) Due to a million to one fluke, produced an egg from an ovary with 15 active cysts and became preggers. My bf was thrilled at first, we picked a name, etc, and a few months later, flipped out. He became abusive, wanted me to cut all ties with my family and friends, quit my job and yada yada yada. I left him at 4 months preg. Now, I had never planned on being able to be a mother and here I was, pregnant. Was I going to kill this child (who had no fault what-so-ever) just because I was alone? No, and my family has been very supportive, as has one of his cousins. Due to complications and a $75000 med bill from delivery, I did recieve some state aid, which made them go after him. He has not done anything the court ordered, refuses to see his child and is now facing arrest for his actions (or lack thereof). Would I like him to be a part of her life? Sure, if he has resolved his issues. Is he going to? Not very likely. I am no longer recieving aid, my daughter is the center of my world, and I am incredibly happy. Just another look at the single mother picture, though I realize that my situation is anything but normal.

amominmn

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 3 (view)

Need some insight Posted: 7/14/2009 1:38:21 PM
My daughter is also 2 1/2, and there is nothing that she can't undo, clothing wise! lol She started taking off her diapers (frontways and backways) as well as her own clothing at 4 months, whenever she decided that she'd rather go nakers. She's finally ok with leaving a dress on but not pants! I've been told it's normal, my best friend's oldest son wouldn't stay fully dressed until he was almost 4 and finally started to understand that it's just not socially acceptable to be stripping in public! My daughter also wouldn't focus on me in certain positions, but I finally got her to do it for the pediatrician, and she said that it's normal, as she's just finding other things more interesting, kinda like the different perspective of tilting your head to the side or looking at something upside-down. It's all a learning curve, for you and him, just enjoy it. I think that laughter is the best thing for it! And, the more you praise the good and just don't react to the bad, the more good you'll get, since the lil one just loves the attention!

amominmn

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 192 (view)

Women Peeing In The Men's Room Posted: 7/9/2009 1:20:01 PM
this IS Minnesota and anything can happen here. Too too true! It's been almost 4 years since I've been able to go out dancing like I used to, but there was a club in Rochester, MN called Ultra Lounge and on Wed and Sat eve's they had a salsa night and since most of my friends are hispanic, that's where I was always to be found as well. They had 2 single seater bathrooms, and to be fair, there were signs for mens and womens, but no one ever paid much attention, ya just went into whichever was open. There were times too where there was a line in the women's side that I have seen men tell the ladies, hey, go first, we can hold it longer than you can! The only proviso was that you had to understand what they were saying, cause most of em didn't speak english! lol

amominmn

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 42 (view)

MIA dad tries to come back? Need men & women's thoughts Posted: 7/9/2009 12:21:32 PM
OP: I think that you're doing the right thing with your children. My daughter's father never made me go through all of this, since he declared right in court (after a DNA test because he thought he was too "macho" to be the father of a little girl) that his first visitation day would be the last time I saw her. I know it feels harsh, but go through the court thing, show your documentation for when he's contacted you and why, and the court may mandate certain supervised visitations for him to prove his willingness to be in their lives.

amominmn

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 51 (view)

Single parent brag! Posted: 7/6/2009 3:26:37 PM
Just wanted to put in my 2 cents worth. Since I left my ex at 4 months preg I have never recieved a cent of child support and yet I have: Gone onto a medical assistance program b/c the pregnancy was hard, but got right back off and haven't been back since. Paid off my student loans 5 years early. Started a college savings account for my daughter. Bought a car and paid it off. And today, the best news of all! My cystic biopsy came back clear!!! (Haven't had cancer yet, but wayyyyy too many close calls.) I'm loving all the positive stories. Single parents can do it all!! LOL

amominmn

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 70 (view)

Should I? Posted: 7/2/2009 8:07:08 PM
Apart from limiting your dating... YOU DO NOT TAKE A 2 1/2 YEAR OLD GIRL ON A DATE! EVER! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If you think that taking a kid on a date, is ok,( considering how your Ex turned out, you should know better) then you are part of the problem.... That line in my profile actually keeps people from trying to invite me on dates, which is the entire reason for that specific wording. If you read, I do list that I'm looking for friends, but never discount a POSSIBILITY of a relationship. Truth to tell, I'm not expecting any such thing to come about. I am happy as I am, my daughter is the center of my universe and the best thing I can do is to raise her and devote my time to her. I learned quite a bit in dating her father and know a lot more now than ever before. Before you ask, I am on this site for the possibility of meeting new people to talk to and make friends with, not for any kind of relationship, but rather because I am an insomniac and once my daughter is asleep for the night, I don't have a heck of a lot to do. I'm also quite glad to know that you, personally, know everyone one on earth and their reactions to every possible thing and that it's completely IMPOSSIBLE for someone to change when presented by a situation that they never expected. That means that I will have to take the full blame for not seeing something that would let me know that the loving man I was with would turn into someone else entirely when I got preggers. Just some food for thought though, his cousin was a friend of mine at that time and Felipe would invite him to our place for dinner several times a week. During the the last few weeks, before I left, his cousin had also noticed severe changes in Felipe's personality. He called me about it the day that I left, because he just wanted to be sure that I was ok. Personal research led me to the information that there is this thing called "depression" that can cause severe changes in personality and the triggers are diverse and sometimes, unpredictable.

amominmn

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 68 (view)

Should I? Posted: 7/2/2009 7:23:27 PM
OP: DO NOT let him see the baby. If the laywer says no, don't do it. I would recommed that you not even spend time alone with him. No? maybe not right now. However, if she ends up on the 'system' it will be my tax dollars that help to pay for her lifestyle and her kid.... And I do mean that "my tax dollars" quite literally... she's in the same town, provice and country as me... maybe I'll get to help fund a daycare for sinlge moms out of my next tax increase.... Oh yeah, and as I said, "rinse and repeat" as the cycle keeps going... sinlge moms end up having kids who often become single moms too.... Seems to me no one learns anything I do LOVE a good stereotype! Amazing as it may seem to some, not all single mothers are out to do more than raise their child in the best way that they possibly can. I will proudly say that I am a single mother because it's better than the alternative. You suggested in a previous post that people really get to KNOW their partners before they get pregnant, which is true to an extent, but how does one get to really know how their SO will treat them when they're preggers till it's too late? Example: I was with my daughter's father for 2 yrs, and suffer from PCOS and was told that I had a better chance of getting struck by lightning than of getting preggers. Long medical story to it, but I ended up pregnant. My SO was thrilled at first, but soon decided that I wasn't as much fun preggers as before. Being sick all the time kinda kills the sex drive. He decided that I must devote my full attention to him at all times, called for me to quit my job and forbade me to talk to my family because he was all the family I would need now. I left him the day he hit me. I was 4 mo preg. Fast forward to my daughter being 3 mo old. I had had to get some help to pay medical bills and so the state hunted out her father. He denied her, they did a DNA test, he's the father. They assigned him child support, he threatend to kidnap my daughter on his first visitation day. He lost his chance at visitation and I got sole custody. I have been raising my daughter, alone, since. No more state aid, and he is facing jail time cause he has yet to pay any support. Bottom line: I understand that you have a right to voice your opinion but it would make for much more interesting reading if you would take the time to educate yourself a bit, get to know some single parents and their situations. Stop judging without all of the information.

amominmn

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 35 (view)

Whats with the harems? Posted: 6/30/2009 11:56:54 AM
TDP- It's very interesting to me to read your posts about the (de)evolution of the standards for women while maintaining your position on the male standard staying solid. Am I reading correctly when you are then referring to the point of men being the "owners" of the women in their lives? I believe (didn't check for an exact date) that women have less than 100 years of emancipation from that point, where they were allowed to begin to vote and expand their horizons. Of course, your philosophy does seem to fall into line with the code of thinking of the mexican drug cartels. Only men may think, women are only good for producing children, cooking and cleaning. FYI: Try being the single parent of a young child and see how many opportunities you have to get out into the world to try to get to know some new people. The internet is a great place to make first contact with people you won't meet when you're either spending all of your time at home taking care of a child or at work.

amominmn

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 35 (view)

Young and having to deal with a tough decision... Posted: 6/27/2009 4:34:09 PM
I talked to a lawyer about it, but he said that since her father still owes the state money, I'm still considered an "active" case and I can't file a will with other requests for custody until that case is closed. On the slightly up side, he hasn't been paying his child support and as they were setting up his contempt paperwork, they discovered that the visa he uses to get work and all expired 15 yrs ago, so he'll be deported when they catch him, which will cancel all of his residual rights as it is a felony.

amominmn

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 1 (view)

Friend or Girlfriend? Posted: 6/26/2009 7:58:41 PM
I'm a bit confused and would like a guy's point of view on this. A friend and I had dinner the other night after we took our daughters to the park. This was 2 adults and 2 2 year old girls so it wasn't anything special, at least I didn't think it was. I've known him for about 5 years, and he's a good friend. We've always been support for each other through bad relationships etc and I really thought that was all there was to it. Again, this was not any kind of a special dinner, and we had been talking about his newest ex and her issues with him being a "part time dad" to use his own words, as well as the gal that he is supposedly now starting to see. When I was putting my daughter in the car and buckling her in, he came up behind me and put his hand on my hip. When I jumped he laughed and asked if he didn't have the right to touch me since we've been seeing each other for so long. Here's where I'm confused: as far as I know, we've never been dating. I realize that I know of his habit of keeping more than one gf at a time and have lectured him against it many times, but is it possible that he thinks that this long term friendship is more even though I have never thought of it that way? We have never been intimate in any way, and neither of us has ever mentioned until that night any possibility of us dating because if we had, I would have told him from the get go that there was no chance for that as I don't share well when it comes to someone I'm seeing dating others at the same time. Secondly, how should I respond to this? My gut instinct is to cut all communication with him, but maybe I'm just over-reacting?

amominmn

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 66 (view)

i'm a single dad yet always get the same question Posted: 6/25/2009 8:42:26 PM
You deserve a big pat on the back, as do all of the fathers who DO step up to the plate. It is a nice thing to see.

amominmn

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 25 (view)

Are you fine with being Mom or do you NEED Dad? Posted: 6/25/2009 7:26:10 PM
I would rather continue as I am than end up in another bad relationship. Yes, I get lonely and some days, would KILL to have another non-family adult to talk to (my daughter and I live with my father-win/win for all of us, he can pay his mortgage, my rents a lot cheaper with more space than an apartment, and my daughter gets to see her "gampa" everyday) or just a 10 minute conversation without the word why in it more that once ot twice. But, one only needs a friend for that, not a permanent relationship. IF I were to ever get into a relationship again, it would have to be someone who understands that my daughter does have a mind of her own and would not push her into accepting him as her "daddy."

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