Second fiddle's still front row... chat & forums.

Posted In Forum:

Home

MyForums

Show ALL Forums

Author

Thread: Second fiddle's still front row...

gman85615

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 1 (view)

Second fiddle's still front row... Posted: 9/13/2009 8:35:06 PM
So once again, another forum discussion sparked an interesting question for me. You're on the first or second email with a guy, there's some interest, and he drifts into email limbo. A few weeks later, you get an email back, asking how you've been. What is your reaction? (The background of this is, a gal posted in another forum saying that she generally would let her email conversations drift off when she was exploring possibilities with one person. Strikes me as reasonable, and I've done the same thing myself. I've generally not taken up the threads of the old conversations, simply because I don't want to make someone feel like they're the second string. And I am concerned for the feelings of the people with whom I correspond. But it occurs to me that if women do this themselves, they ought to understand that they're not being used as a standby. They're someone who still attracts my attention, and I'd like to see if that's mutual.) Just to clarify...are you automatically insulted if someone resumes a correspondence after a break of a few weeks?

gman85615

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 3 (view)

Gimme your gut call... Posted: 9/13/2009 7:27:26 PM
Two reasons: Online dating takes time and exposure...and you never know, do ya? And outside opinions will help me fine tune; so that by the time I am a little more available, my profile will be as good a "me" as I can make it. No first draft is ever perfect, and extra eyes always help. Thanks for your comment, though..I think it's a valid point.

gman85615

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 1 (view)

Gimme your gut call... Posted: 9/13/2009 7:11:45 PM
SO after a short, passionate relationship that was ended by a cancer diagnosis (hers, and she cut everything off), I'm taking myself back to "single status". Even though I'm not really looking (right now anyone would be "not her", and I know it) I'd appreciate any gut reactions to my profile.

gman85615

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 6 (view)

Wait...what? Where are you going? Posted: 8/24/2009 6:22:55 AM
That's exactly what I did...no reasons, no excuses...just accepted that I'd been stupid and asked to come back. Then, once we'd established that I was an idiot, we let it drop while she worked on it; and spent the time we spent together talking about other things rather than worrying it to death. Though I am aware that it is one more thing I'll not hear the end of...

gman85615

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 1 (view)

Wait...what? Where are you going? Posted: 8/23/2009 9:14:03 PM
So, I just about blew it...occasionally, my selfcenteredness and delight in my own wisdom just completely overcome common sense and I become monumentally stupid, without even realizing it. It took a week for her to come around...and I AIN'T the grovelling type. (OK, the specifics in response to the below: My lady is twice widowed, her second having passed away in the same week as her first's birthday. Her second husband actually passed about three years ago, and this is really her first serious relationship since. Well, that week came and passed, and she withdrew some...a natural sadness and something that was hers. Being me, and having some baggage of my own, I recast it around myself and assumed that she was withdrawing from me. To the extent that I told her that I, in my infinite wisdom, thought that maybe she wasn't ready to love again. Yeah- I ran when she really needed me to stand. I'm undeservedly lucky that she's offered me another chance.) Ladies, has a man of yours ever demonstrated such idiocy with a single sentence that it just completely destroyed the relationship? Let us in on our own silliness, please.

gman85615

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 45 (view)

do u find the older u get, when u are not in love, sex isnt as great? Posted: 8/20/2009 8:21:47 PM
Yep. I was in a passionless marriage for eight years...the sex was something I did to shut her up, more or less. I've had a few casuals along the way since...but having rediscovered passion, WOW what a difference.

gman85615

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 9 (view)

Feedback wanted from BEAUTIFUL women Posted: 8/20/2009 8:39:30 AM
Wow, dude. Just...wow. Did someone tell you you were hot, once? Was it your gramma?

gman85615

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 20 (view)

Favorite phrase or word Posted: 8/20/2009 7:36:55 AM
Smoking: Occasionally or Regularly

gman85615

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 7 (view)

Do men post profiles just to look at pix? Posted: 8/20/2009 6:29:12 AM
Hookshot has it. Yeah, we do post profiles just to look at pix...it's cheap whack material. What we DON'T do is send email. And if he continues even though he knows it's a problem for you, then it's an addiction...just like drugs, booze, or gambling.

gman85615

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 135 (view)

The Four favourite questions guys love to ask.... Posted: 8/20/2009 6:26:35 AM
Funny, I get the "How big are you" in maybe one conversation in four...it's usually eased into by "Gee, we've talked twice and you haven't mentioned the size of your..." Generally asked by someone that it's never, ever, gonna matter with anyway. For sure not gonna matter now. And...who farted? Had to be you, 'cuz it sure wasn't me....

gman85615

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 22 (view)

3 days... worth starting something? Posted: 8/20/2009 6:20:47 AM
Actually, BOTH options have something to be said for them. Trust me, he won't remember you as "sucking in bed". Except in a good way. But, either way, you'll have a little memory that makes you smile...either at the fun and passion, or at the "might have been." For myself, I'd say "go for it"....

gman85615

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 11 (view)

previewing profiles Posted: 8/20/2009 6:07:56 AM
Yeah, your filters are part of the problem...I would reduce the "relationship" filters since they mean different things to different people. And here's an example: I just looked at your profile. But I'm not going to write, because we're not potential dates each for the other. LOTS of thumbnails pop up, and if one catches my eye, I'll click on it. Remember, no-one knows anything until they READ the profile. So if that person is a non-smoker, too young, too old, self-absorbed, desperate, I dunno till after I look at them. So yeah, go ahead and message. But be aware, even though you're an attractive female, the guys you're finding hot are found hot by many other women as well...so you might find yourself competing too.

gman85615

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 18 (view)

So guys, tell me about yourself. Posted: 8/20/2009 5:55:55 AM
It's a staple of dating that not everyone you're attracted to, is going to be attracted to you. The corollary of that is that you won't be attracted to everyone who's attracted to you. You don't get to control others, and when it comes down to cases, "I only want to get attention from people I'm attracted to" IS a control issue. Let it go, accept the world for what it is, and just ride the ride.

gman85615

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 7 (view)

Shut up, I'm going to kiss you. Posted: 8/16/2009 10:42:03 PM
Mystie, that makes PERFECT sense. Submission is only a gift when it's given from desire, not from need.

gman85615

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 1 (view)

Shut up, I'm going to kiss you. Posted: 8/16/2009 9:27:09 PM
So I am a fairly dominant heterosexual male. That means that I often initiate sex, and that I'm very comfortable with taking the lead in sexual activities. I don't mind switching a little sometimes...everyone needs variety...but generally I'm leading in the mattress dance, and although I'm never pushy, a woman will always be able to tell if I'm interested. Knowing there will be MANY different answers, because women are NOT a monolith any more than men are, what level of dominance, assertiveness, or aggressiveness are you comfortable with in a man? At what point are you comfortable with an aggressive man? Or do you prefer to hold the reins? (The headline actually comes from my first meeting with my girlfriend, and no, it wasn't out of the blue. I was playing a sucker bet; she hadn't let our forearms or knees be out of contact after the first five minutes, even after I shifted to give her room. It turned out to be one of THOSE first kisses...even though she marvels that she let me live.)

gman85615

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 8 (view)

What should I think? Posted: 8/16/2009 9:07:09 PM
I think more info on the breakup might help the ladies give you better feedback...who initiated it? What were the reasons given? Were there any unusual stressors?

gman85615

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 16 (view)

Is he married??? Posted: 8/16/2009 9:01:31 PM
Not thinking married...BUT, you're still seeing others after you talked about an exclusive? Yeah, I'd be adding to your jadedness, cuz I'd drop your selfcentered butt like a hot rock.

gman85615

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 12 (view)

Is this chemistry? Posted: 8/16/2009 8:44:42 AM
Cheez it! The (self-appointed) forum cops! You know, it occurs to me...checking someone's forum posts to see how many "Oh, you nasty person, you can't post that for X reason" posts they've made might prove a useful filter for control issues...

gman85615

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 7 (view)

Is this chemistry? Posted: 8/16/2009 6:55:03 AM
That's chemistry...that is to say, infatuation. It's a big part of the relationship...but remember, it ain't ALL of the relationship.

gman85615

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 18 (view)

next step or no step Posted: 8/16/2009 6:53:36 AM
Yeah...no step. Unless you really do feel you could be totally platonic friends...the friend zone does extend both directions, and from what I've seen of you here, you might not be any happier there than a guy is.

GMan85615

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 20 (view)

If a guy says he is interested in a LTR, how do you believe him? Posted: 8/15/2009 12:07:14 AM
Ummm...It's not about looking for an LTR, hon. It's about looking for you. There's a difference. I was looking for dinner companions (note the plural) and fell in love.

GMan85615

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 13 (view)

The Stars? Posted: 8/15/2009 12:03:11 AM
Look at it this way...the gravitational pull of the moon is sufficient to lift the whole damn ocean six to twelve FEET...do you think that maybe the combined gravitational pull of thousands of stars (which are minute, but measurable) might suffice to influence a couple ounces of protoplasm during prenatal development? Horoscopes? A crock. But sun sign traits? More often accurate than not. God works in mysterious ways, and uses the tools at hand.

GMan85615

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 5 (view)

Between Slutty and GF Material .... Posted: 8/14/2009 11:57:04 PM
Here's the big secret...you create it together. I know swinging couples that have been together 25 years, where she'll take a guy to bed within ten minutes of meeting him...and I know couples that waited till marriage who have been together 30. It's all in what works for you together...and you'll know it when you see it. Until then, just ride the ride!!!

gman85615

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 22 (view)

She doesn't exist!! Posted: 8/14/2009 10:40:19 AM
OK, so I'm younger than the age range you're speaking of; but such a woman is no more my ideal than the retired fighter pilot who does underwear modeling as a retirement gig...who just sold the Fortune 500 company so he can take his not-yet-found woman on a world cruise as a first date...who will patiently hold your purse while you shop...who doesn't mind if you wear your bikini while the pool boy is working...and who will "just you her be yourself," is yours. You say on at least 50 coffee dates in 2 years you've never been rejected...does that mean no one has refused the coffee date? Or no-one has refused to sleep with you? Because you certainly seem to still be single, and I'm detecting a certain bitterness here. I for one won't settle. The woman I'm seeing isn't a model...she's more like the slender but tough waitress at the diner. She's not wealthy by any means, her hair isn't usually perfectly coiffed, and she for DAMN sure isn't sitting waiting for me to call; she has a life and she's living it. But she turns my head when she walks in the room, and we can talk Old West history, business, leadership, or music for hours on end. PLUS she makes me feel ten feet tall and made of high-temper steel. How many men have you contacted that you just didn't spark with? How many have YOU rejected, because they were boring, had hair in their ears, didn't have a late-model car, or didn't call back within 24 hours? How many who matched your profile have you red/deleted? And...do you REALLY want someone to be with you, while all the while you're KNOWING that he "lowered" his expectations to include you? That he settled for you? Or would you rather be with someone who lit up when he saw you walk into that coffee shop?

GMan85615

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 17 (view)

Being too nice.. Posted: 8/13/2009 9:22:23 PM
The gal I'm dating now, our first date went very much as you described yours... but when it looked like we in danger of talking through the "will we or won't we" cusp, I looked down at her (she's 5'2") and said, "You need to shut up, because I'm going to kiss you." She still tells me she shakes her head at that...that she didn't just walk off. But she smiles whenever it comes up.

gman85615

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 17 (view)

Lying about their age - is that the current trend on POF for men in late 30s - late 40s? Posted: 8/12/2009 5:45:39 PM
ANY lie on a profile needs to be a dealbreaker. Age may not be as critical as, say, children or marital status...but shading age is an indicator of dishonor, and it'll ALWAYS come to ill in the end. Interestingly, I've been accused of this twice...and my girlfriend said that she thought I had been shading (based on my photo) but that was OK, because my stated age was too young for her age range! Sorry, ladies, I'm too stinkin' proud to bother shading my age.

gman85615

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 5 (view)

What to wear on a casual date for the first time? Posted: 8/12/2009 3:11:04 PM
I would say....be respectful of her...honor the occasion to the extent of showering and maybe putting on a polo in place of a tee. Remember you are creating a first impression, and there are indeed plenty where you came from. At the same time, don't be completely untrue to yourself. Overdoing dressing up will both make you uncomfortable and present a false impression, which will lead to problems down the road.

gman85615

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 1 (view)

My HANDS? Really? Posted: 8/12/2009 11:28:38 AM
So talking with my girlfriend today, we got onto the subject of attraction and spark. She commented that my profile pic (since changed) at the time had a good view of my hand, and it really got her interest; hands are her thing. She had also liked my forum posts...and once we met up, my eyes caught her, but it was my hand that really lit the spark. (And yeah, the hand does contain a cigarette. But we're both smokers, so I'll take the negative comments about smoking as read, OK?) What physical aspect of your last date caught your attention? Not a general "What do you look for?" but what, specifically, about your last date made you go "Hmmm...that's nice...."?

gman85615

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 4 (view)

Is a women paying on a date a big deal? Posted: 8/12/2009 11:02:56 AM
^^^ Yep. And this is where a guy's input in "ask a guy" overrides the female input... Ideally, this should be discussed in advance..not the relative incomes, but who pays. And then STICK TO IT! For myself, I prefer to pay initially. After that, I don't much care, as long as I get to pull my weight.

gman85615

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 7 (view)

Need Guys Perspective Posted: 8/12/2009 10:53:00 AM
Um, yeah. Definitely out of MOST guys' league here, and those that you're writing, assuming that you're going by what's in your own profile... Frankly? Yours is very likely the third email of the day. Remember, you're only looking for one; you'll likely have to contact a hundred or more to get there. A pay site that matches by income and life preferences may be a better venue for you than a free site with mostly entertainment value. Open-membership internet dating expands the size of the pool...it does not increase the average desirability of the membership of that pool.

gman85615

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 5 (view)

What Women Want Posted: 8/12/2009 10:21:00 AM
Oh, come on, Jakey. You know that POF forums are the land of the extended stereotype. All men, while single, just want sex..preferably on the first date...and when married, become fat lazy cheaters. It's just the way of the world; there's no sense in trying to deny it. Even if you don't feel that way NOW, it's who you are deep inside. God help us if a man's sexual harassment complaint were ever aired here...the consensus would surely be that he MUST have wanted it. He's male, isn't he? The jury would probably decide to fine him to pay her back for the emotional damage caused her by being forced to degrade herself by noticing him in a sexual fashion. All that said, I gotta admit I laughed my ass off. People like that do exist in the world.

gman85615

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 12 (view)

seriously Posted: 8/12/2009 10:12:26 AM
Really? I mean...really? The biggest thing on my mind would indeed be the sperm donor...what is the status there...followed closely by "Why IS she dating during the most intensely personal time of her life?" Followed by "Is this what OUR future looks like? Will she be looking for someone else while she's carrying MY baby?" The advice to take a break is good advice.

gman85615

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 2 (view)

When should I bring up a medical issue. Posted: 8/12/2009 8:44:11 AM
Not on the first date, unless she brings something similar up. But before you sleep together...second/third date seems to be an appropriate "true confessions" moment in my experience.

gman85615

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 19 (view)

why are guys intimidated by a bi sexual female? Posted: 8/12/2009 7:19:40 AM
^^^^ Yep. "Not Girlfriend Material" is, in some senses, the male equivalent of the "Friend Zone". It means that while we'll participate in what we're willing to give (and take), we're not interested in the greater intimacy of what we hold back. For many girls, this is sex; for many guys, the intimacy of emotional attachment. And a gal who comes on strong, like on the first date, with common male fantasies (easy first date sex, or titillating talk of threesomes)...ain't girlfriend material.

gman85615

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 13 (view)

Why are Men afraid to date a lady with a disibility? Posted: 8/12/2009 7:11:47 AM
Nah, Jackal's right...and it's the case with many folks of both sexes on here.... "Is my [insert self-image issue here] driving people away?" It seems to be a little worse for women than men, because of the hype that every women gets hundreds of sincere, serious emails every day. A simple, two-day read of the forums should explode that myth, but somehow it persists... The simple fact is that success in dating (online more starkly than RL, but present in both) is in direct proportion to desirability. That is to say, the top 1% of desirable profiles will get 99% of the emails (look at the stat that the top .01% of profile get more than 100 emails PER DAY). And this applies equally to both sexes; though desirability is tough to nail down. Few people on POF will find themselves the center of attention..just realize that you're only looking for one (assuming that's the case) and accept that you've got to roll the dice a bunch of times to get snake-eyes.

gman85615

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 24 (view)

What's up with the Taken profiles? Posted: 8/11/2009 10:54:19 PM
Huh. Mine isn't hidden because I do participate in the forums, and I welcome emails from folks who want to discuss the topic further. My girlfriend knows about it and continues to participate in other forums as well. Why do you care? Is it a personal affront that someone isn't available to you? Online dating gonna be a long pull for you if that's the case.

gman85615

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 18 (view)

The dreaded, Dating a Co-Worker ,Or trying :D Posted: 8/11/2009 7:15:23 PM
Wow, yeah, no mixed signals there, but, except what's all in your head. You're getting creepy on this one...BACK IT OFF!

gman85615

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 3 (view)

Stupid question i know Posted: 8/11/2009 6:08:35 PM
Wow...two WHOLE months? Give it time, if you want a real and not forced commitment. If not, let him know that's the problem.

gman85615

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 2 (view)

Easy women..why me? Posted: 8/11/2009 5:59:11 PM
The big concern being, if she's doing it this casually with me....what happens when we start dating, and don't see each other for a week?

gman85615

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 14 (view)

How to avoid the Friend Zone? Posted: 8/11/2009 5:15:04 PM
The "Just Say No" comment WAS funny...but it also works. I was "friends" with a gal in college for about a year...meaning that I wanted her and she wanted a "have her cake and eat it too" scenario. After that year I sat down opposite her and said, "Look. You know I want you. We have a great time, but this is driving me nuts. So...the next time you call me, be ready to take this to the next level. Because I can't live with this any more." About four months later, she called and asked me to come by. We sat and talked for a long while, and it was just as comfortable as it always had been. Finally, I took her by the chin, turned her face to me, and said "You called me." And I kissed her. We dated for about six years, before I took a job that had me on the road for six months at a time.

gman85615

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 2 (view)

guys and dancing? Posted: 8/11/2009 2:10:09 PM
When I had two legs that worked all the time, I used to dance all the time...and for the very reasons you mention. I think many guys are afraid of looking bad...but if you're reasonably athletic, there shouldn't be any problem.

gman85615

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 3 (view)

Love and NO Physical Attraction Posted: 8/11/2009 2:03:07 PM
Not only fallen in love but married. BUT, after eight years, she met someone online who WAS attracted to her, and I came home from work to an empty house one day. Having since rediscovered passion since, I begin to understand why she left (though I think it might have been done more gracefully). I'll never get into that position again; nor will I subject anyone else to it. I've done great evil in my life...I'm not sure any other thing I've done was as evil as condemning someone to the awareness that she was second best, physically.

gman85615

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 5 (view)

I think it's true. Don't use it, lose it. Posted: 8/10/2009 10:18:01 PM
^^^^^ Beth's got it in one!

gman85615

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 2 (view)

I think it's true. Don't use it, lose it. Posted: 8/10/2009 8:41:03 PM
It's your mojo, and yeah, it is use it or lose it. I was faithful (even mostly on the flirt front) for eight years, and it took one woman being VERY determined to bring it back.

gman85615

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 9 (view)

Would you be intimidated? Posted: 8/10/2009 6:28:14 PM
Pretty much, the same as evryone else...thing would be, I couldn't live the lifestyle that goes with that money on my own hook, and I'm too proud not to pull my own weight, so that might be a stickin point.

gman85615

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 9 (view)

Review PLease! Posted: 8/7/2009 7:47:36 AM
Huh. Dump the "bad boy" sentence. It rates with "no game players." The guy you're looking for will read the first half of it and click "next", because he doesn't see himself as "bad". Remember, you're writing for someone rating himself against your profile, not a disinterested audience, and the guy who will pull back at the last second with a warm hug will want nothing to do with someone who wants a "bad boy"...he's probably been burned too many times.

GMan85615

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 2 (view)

Why do men lie? Posted: 8/6/2009 8:49:00 PM
Why do women lie? -He's just a friend. -My ex is no problem. -I'm divorced. -I didn't know I was flirting...that's just me! -I'm on the pill. Come on, you know good and well this isn't single sided. This is ask a guy, not bash a guy. If you're asking why men lie specifically to YOU, it may be because you, as an individual, don't deserve any better.

GMan85615

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 14 (view)

Confusion Posted: 8/6/2009 8:44:17 PM
Nah, I think November had it pegged. She's used to being high in your affections, but doesn't want her own options limited. Not sayin' she's a bad person...likely she's not. Most people have done this to someone else sometime. Communication is key here, and it needs to be a tough love message: "We can be just friends, and that works for me. Or we can get together, and that works for me, too. But we can't do both; so I need to know what you want, and I need to know now, because the way we're going, it's gonna be neither."

GMan85615

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 7 (view)

Profile Needs Reviewing Posted: 8/6/2009 8:38:15 PM
Eh, I'd say the freezer joke works, actually...it's certainly of a piece with the rest of the narrative. Honestly, anyone thin-skinned isn't gonna be a match anyway. I think it may be one of the best humorous profiles I've seen...I'd be surprised if you're not getting more response than most guys (granted, not saying a helluva lot).

GMan85615

Joined: 6/21/2009

Msg: 17 (view)

About the gifts Posted: 8/3/2009 7:17:12 AM
"What kind of girl do you think I am?" "We've settled that. Now we're haggling."

Show ALL Forums