Loners for life...........the emotionally unavailable...... chat & forums.

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awesomeone54

Joined: 3/9/2006

Msg: 49 (view)

Loners for life...........the emotionally unavailable...... Posted: 10/5/2007 1:36:19 PM
I guess its a strange thing for a woman to write...but I think I understand your scared loner. It is my thought that everyone has their own individual "X"...."X" being the amount of time you are alone where it may now be too late to let someone totally in, you are so used to living your way, your rules, not having the ability to allow yourself to give all because its pretty draining getting used to being alone and not having anyone that has your back. After awhile, it would be scarey to give away so many of your private self that you had to make strong and alone to survive decades of loneliness. The "magic" number, in my opinion, just from watching others try to find the one and fall in love.........is about ten years alone...after that...it is scarey to give up some of your power, independence, doing what you want when you want, not cooking or cleaning if you feel like it for a couple of days....etc...you know...even the best relationships mean giving up part of yourself...and trust me, I have been married to a man that I loved giving everything I had to....but after so many years alone...it is terrifyiing....the thought of all the change, and knowing you never really know anyone until you leave them...so worry about drama if it doesn't work...there is so much to worry about if it fails and also if it works.... Love is worth it....or it always was...but maybe when you are older and have spent so much time alone with no one to count on........it is a huge leap of faith to let someone in after just trusting in yourself...you have to trust someone else completely.....and in these days of computers and cell phones and texting, I wonder....how hard is it really to totally trust someone...I couldn't be with someone I wasn't secure with...but with all these computer hookups (Yes, I love him more than anyone I have ever loved...just can't wait to meet him..............WHAT??????? That I don't get...but have had several friends that did it...and these are not stupid men and women...they are bright, independent, strong people....but maybe long distance is the safe way to give your heart...its a nice fantasy......I just don't understand how people can give of themselves like that. I hope I am not that doomed loner.....the odds do seem against me. I am honest and tell men that I love male friends (there are things that are more fun to do with men cuz my gf's aren't into it...guess I have a little testerone or something...like political debates, blues, outdoor concerts...and yes....how I miss walking and holding hands...(that is like saying I am so proud to be with you)...I miss knowing someone has my back...everything is not up to me to figure out how to fix everything....just having someone to lean into and watch a movie with. I do miss all the nice parts of loving someone special...and I believe in fate...if I am meant to fall in love, I will...even if he has to fall thru my roof...lol....but I will be terrified and take my time. I just hope I have not met my "X" time.... I am sorry things worked out so badly for you. I hope this helps you understand the mindset of the "X" time....or your "loner"....good luck...fate will bring you what you need if you are just patient...and yes, you have to do your part too, I know.... Gotta admit...there is nothing like that new falling in love feeling...................ahhhhhhhhh!!

awesomeone54

Joined: 3/9/2006

Msg: 839 (view)

Internet dating: sucks for guys, good for women. Posted: 10/4/2007 7:21:49 PM
Maybe you were chosing the women you emailed based on the same superficial things you don't want to be judged on. But, I think most people would agree, it is polite to write back just a thank you for writing if someone takes the time to email. Maybe you need to read the profile and not just look at their pictures and you might get an idea of the ladys character. Its difficult in real life as well as online for women as far as being judged by our looks. Women, in general, aren't as unforgiving as men...they can live with a bit of a belly, slightly balding hair, whatever.....In the end, it doesn't matter whether you are a man or a woman, the first thing you notice is looks...but if you don't just stop there if they aren't gorgeous...and look for the person...then I think that helps even out the playing fields. Besides....all the beautiful ones will be single again for us all to try at in six months....lol...ok...that wasn't so nice...but just a little humorous, at least? Good luck....be honest and confident and a gentleman, and you'll get quality women. It takes patience....try being an old lady and doing this....YIKES!!! See....things could be worse! Hope I at least made you smile. Don't take this stuff too seriously.

awesomeone54

Joined: 3/9/2006

Msg: 2 (view)

Other's opinion? Please let me know... Posted: 8/23/2007 3:20:29 PM
I am certainly no expert, but I have read my share of profiles, and I think you profile is good. Its not the same things everyone puts in. The way you write, gives a feeling of your personality. It is informative, friendly and inviting. Good photos. Not too many demands on what type of lady you'd like, which opens you up to meeting more people and some very interesting people. At the worst ( ok, the the worst...thats the obsessive psycho killer...lol)...but anyhow, I digress...(sp?) you make a few interesting friends, and who knows...the right one might actually read it and confetti and balloons will fall from the ceiling and you'll know SHE'S the one....that is how it works, isn't it? Seriously...I think its a good profile...good luck.... Barb (but what do I know...I am just a silly old lady...

awesomeone54

Joined: 3/9/2006

Msg: 144 (view)

I need some help here....and please be serious.... Posted: 3/21/2007 8:36:38 AM
My heart goes out to your friend. I , too, lost the love of my life. My husband died in August 2001. It still is hard for me. The best advice I can give you is keep doing what you are doing. Be there. Be her friend. Laugh with her. Cry with her. Grief has no time table. When she meets someone innocently and feels comfort and trust with him, she will start slowing dating...but it will be full of disappointments for her. Realize that. She cannot help but compare every man to her lost love....and they just don't hold up. But, in time, when she meets some decent people who aren't out to just play games...someone willing to be patient, not rush into dating or anything...but willing to listen and offera shoulder, then she can start dating...at least as friends. She may never meet anyone...I seriously doubt I will....but I have made some really nice friends from trusting a couple enough to meet and "date" a little. I have been lucky that I have only met decent people. So...just don't push it...as long as she has friends like you, she will be fine. Just please, don't get frustrated and toss the friendship away. I went about things all wrong...I have isolated my self for years...which is not my personailty at all...I have always been outgoing and social...but that kind of loss changes a person forever. Bless you for being such a loving friend. If she never dates....she is still going to be ok as long as she has friends like you in her life to make her laugh over nothing special...to just hang out with...that has been my greatest gift. Some people did grow apart because I was sad and isolated (it hurts me, but I don't blame them)...oh, but those couple of true friends that have been there through the good and bad...they have been my saving grace. Good luck. Your friend is blessed with you in her life.

awesomeone54

Joined: 3/9/2006

Msg: 8 (view)

upstate NY tired of the lies Posted: 3/4/2007 8:44:26 PM
I think there are plenty of people in upstate NY looking for someone nice...its much harder in a small town where you've known most your whole life so they are friends, ex's of friends, or you know too much dirt about them. It has to be easier in a city, isn't it? Guess not, or there wouldn't be so many of us on here. I am believing in fate...if its meant to be, the good guy will fall through my roof...and hopefully repair it for me afterwards...lol

awesomeone54

Joined: 3/9/2006

Msg: 137 (view)

Upstate NY POF campaign... Posted: 3/4/2007 8:35:16 PM
Anyone ever hear of Hornell, NY....about 60 miles south of Rochester and about 90 miles southeast of Buffalo? Not alot of places to gather here though..lol......very small area.

Awesomeone54

Joined: 3/9/2006

Msg: 78 (view)

little blue pills Posted: 6/27/2006 7:33:02 PM
No one has mentioned that it is a very loving thing for a man to do for his lady. It must be difficult on the male ego to go speak to a doctor about such personal things. But as long as its safe for a man to take it, I believe its a very loving act. That closeness and intimacy are still important to both men and women.

Awesomeone54

Joined: 3/9/2006

Msg: 77 (view)

little blue pills Posted: 6/27/2006 7:24:16 PM
Myself...I am just grateful for the timing...as we got to the age where thats a worry...along comes the little blue pill...and later his cousins..lol...so it takes the pressure off to find someone...lol. I just love it when a plan comes together..lol. What a great generation we were born into...

Awesomeone54

Joined: 3/9/2006

Msg: 66 (view)

Photos and the older person! Posted: 6/27/2006 6:49:57 PM
I have recent photo's on...from spring...but think about it...when you are alone..there isn't someone taking your picture all the time cuz they adore you...you are alone..so the pics I had to post I took myself..lol...that was fun...and ooooh, so flattering. But I believe in honesty and I had changed my hairstyle and glasses and lost wt so thought it only fair to try to put the "truth" up there. Not everyone is goofy enough to take their own picture..lol. And it sounds so vain to ask someone to take pictures of you (esp when you hate the camera)...So maybe its just not deception...but lack of new pics....??? or not...lol

Awesomeone54

Joined: 3/9/2006

Msg: 67 (view)

How people age differently Posted: 6/22/2006 9:23:55 PM
tlkaren: How could anyone read your post and not believe you are beautiful...which you are a lovely person...but without seeing your picture, you felt the warmth and the way you would make others comfortable..thats a beauty thats timeless. You go, girl!!

awesomeone54

Joined: 3/9/2006

Msg: 38 (view)

How do you get yourself out of a rut? Posted: 6/19/2006 9:12:57 PM
Dance around the livingroom to some fun blues...with my dog!

Awesomeone54

Joined: 3/9/2006

Msg: 354 (view)

Slimmer pickin's when you get older? Posted: 6/19/2006 6:14:33 PM
It has seemed to me that men become the ones that want to get serious and settle down too fast...used to be we women were blamed for that. I think there are alot of lonely men out there who miss being married (I totally loved being married, myself..although don't see a need for a piece of paper at this point in life...that was to have children..lol) and sometimes they get serious just talking online to you. I have had people I only talk to...ok..just type to...get mad when I tell them I have a date!!! Have you had that happen much? I don't understand how people can feel this is a serious relationship when its just been mutual typing...I personally don't think I would feel much for anyone unless I at least got to look into their eyes...the windows to the soul, ya know. There are too many things you can't tell until you are face to face. I don't think there are less pickin's....just that so many people have just given up...have gotten too used to being alone...or been burnt to many times...or just have rich, full lives and don't want to be involved. Then there is the big health and death factor...that doesn't help!

Awesomeone54

Joined: 3/9/2006

Msg: 47 (view)

What do women look for in a man after 40? Posted: 6/19/2006 5:51:02 PM
Moraima"....You DON"T cry unless someone dies...I feel bad for you. I went for a period of time where I couldn't cry and it was awful. Sometimes just crying over a bad movie is healthy...after a cry...there is such a relaxation its unreal. I think its really healthy to cry....I am not saying be some wimpy, weak sad person...trust me,...I am not. But even if its just crying about a sappy movie....or a tender moment (like when a child makes you something special...)...it is a healthy release. And it doesn't make me weak. I can afford the kleenex!

Awesomeone54

Joined: 3/9/2006

Msg: 42 (view)

How people age differently Posted: 6/17/2006 1:51:00 AM
I have to go with liking the greying beards myself...esp if its just the stubble "Eric Clapton" look...oooh, that is sexy. Don't like full beards on most people...but some can pull it off. But the don Johnson stubble....oooh, I like it. On some men...if it doesn't make them look scruffy and dirty...like anything else...its a look not all men can pull off...but when they can...be still my heart. To go off subject a little....how do women feel about men WITHOUT mustaches? I don't know why....but I don't like a man without a mustache...I like knowing I am kissing a man...and without a mustache, to me, it looks like girly lips...sounds like a name ten year olds would taunt you with...lmao....So...what do you girls thing?

Awesomeone54

Joined: 3/9/2006

Msg: 45 (view)

Calgary Mix & Mingle Pre-Stomp Singles Party 40+ Posted: 6/17/2006 1:35:01 AM
Am I the only one that doesn't know what this kind of party is or what state Calgary is in (or is it in Ireland???)...oh yes, I am really that clueless. I am new to forum, and have really enjoyed it...but everyone seems to understand this but me... Sorry...I feel like a nosey party crasher...but hey, you do what you have to do to get out, right? They say the important thing is to just get out there!!! lol

Awesomeone54

Joined: 3/9/2006

Msg: 41 (view)

Do you want the world to know what a jerk he is? Posted: 6/17/2006 1:23:28 AM
I would never lose my dignity that way. If it doesn't work out, at least leave with your dignity. Revenge doesn't help and that mentality contributes to men's fear that we women have all become bitter and cynical. Esp. women over 30 or 40, who have been through it all..... Let the guy be a jerk.....you know you are walking away with dignity...which puts a little bounce in your step and certainly is more appealing to the opposite sex than a revenge seeking bitter woman....so will be easier to get another chance to get it right. Remember....if the guy is a jerk...that makes you look like that behavior is okay and you aren't mad that he was a jerk...sounds like you are mad cuz he's not still YOUR jerk. Just be happy you are away from him IF he really was a jerk! You go, girl!

Awesomeone54

Joined: 3/9/2006

Msg: 17 (view)

What do women look for in a man after 40? Posted: 6/16/2006 3:06:02 PM
Horselady....SapphireBlue appealed to the emotional side of what I want. After reading your reply...while sweating profusely....and then a long cold shower....I had to say...Please add all of that to my list. Now we are talking Heaven!!! Anyone else sweating? lol

Awesomeone54

Joined: 3/9/2006

Msg: 16 (view)

What do women look for in a man after 40? Posted: 6/16/2006 3:03:01 PM
SapphireBlues: I said I didn't know what I wanted.......but you did. You put it all into words for me. I guess we are all looking for the same thing....so if we all started treating people as we want to be treated...the dating pool would be huge!!! lol....I would like to add one Someone who doesn't need to be with you every second to be secure. And that can make you feel secure enough to know that when you are apart, he is thinking of you and smiling. And back at him. Isn't that just simple but so nice? OOOOh...and a great hugger. If you find Mr. Wonderful that you described...could you let me know if he has a brother? A father? A grandfather with a pulse? lol If only if were that simple?

Awesomeone54

Joined: 3/9/2006

Msg: 31 (view)

How people age differently Posted: 6/16/2006 2:58:30 PM
Must have been blessed with good genetics....I smoke too much, I don't (can't) exercise anymore, live with chronic pain (that really ages you), and live on hershey bars and ice cream! Not proud to admit all that! But, to me, if you are happy...in a good mood...thats when you look better. You hold yourself differently, carry yourself differently, and look at people differently. There is nothing more attractive (on men, we can't get away with a wrinkle anywhere...ugh) than laugh lines around a mans eyes!!! And when men aren't joking, most of them say they are attracted to the eyes (which light up when smiling) and the smile on women the most. I think I look ten years older if I have the blues and don't get out around people often enough. I really believe laughter is the best medicine for everything.

awesomeone54

Joined: 3/9/2006

Msg: 206 (view)

Sex in the woman mind after 40. Posted: 6/16/2006 1:15:01 PM
Nice to know I am not the only one!! I don't know about dating younger...I know that during the first argument, out of habit...I would send him to his room...alone...lol..or ground him! But the timing was perfect....Viagra (and other such meds) came out just as we got to the age where we hoped we hadn't waited too long to meet someone...takes pressure off..lol...different kind of biological clock now!! Go Viagra!!!!!

awesomeone54

Joined: 3/9/2006

Msg: 11 (view)

What do women look for in a man after 40? Posted: 6/16/2006 1:08:07 PM
I have to agree with Bob...at least in my case. I call tell you all day long what I DON'T want, but don't really know what it is I do want. Thats the magic part...you don't really know what it is you want til you find it!!! Is it really that different for men?

awesomeone54

Joined: 3/9/2006

Msg: 12 (view)

Men over 55! Posted: 6/13/2006 11:06:24 AM
I was depressed reading all this stuff about men over 55 only wanting fantasy. I think it doesn't matter so much about the age...its how long they (men or women) have been alone....you get stuck in your ways and it gets harder to let someone in and compromise. I have been living alone (well, youngest son was still home until nine months ago...now totally alone except the animals..lol...crazy old cat lady!!)....... I don't know what the cut off point is....I am afraid if I am not there, I am pretty close....but when you get used to livng alone, and at our age, change becomes harder.....I can imagine after so long, you like the fantasy of having it all again, but the fear of having the bad parts we all escaped at some point in our lives....scare us out of it. But then, Ihave not met the "right one"....have not met anyone I would let into my life permanently. I prefer not to believe that after 55, men only want fantasy. My fantasy world is what made it easier to get this far...can't let go now. Who knows...I am the type that if you say I can't ...I have to show you just to prove you wrong....so watch you fellow old timers..lol....(joking...strange sense of humor...)

awesomeone54

Joined: 3/9/2006

Msg: 181 (view)

Sex in the woman mind after 40. Posted: 6/12/2006 7:58:01 PM
I was lucky enough to be married to a man who I shared a fun and active sex life with. I guess I was even luckier than I knew. It seems like at this age, women want, need, think about sex all the time, same as men do.....but we require it more often. I am old fashioned and so it stinks to have a high sex drive..........and the last man I was involved with was always grabbing, making passes, talking about it , etc...but when push came to shove...once a month whether we needed it or not was enough...when I would have been more than willing to be a good sport and participate every day if he wanted..lol...but then I am such an unselfish person....lol....glad to hear its not just me!!! And its killing me!!! lol.....

awesomeone54

Joined: 3/9/2006

Msg: 462 (view)

Men reaching age 50 + Posted: 6/12/2006 6:31:07 PM
Wow...........that was harsh........possibly ture,but horribly harsh, that at fifty we are in a new category in society that is not valued or easily accepted.................wow!! Ok, I don't lie about my age........why bother.........who am I fooling? And the part about it not being easily accepted...no I don't accept my age well...but its not that bad. Fifty isn't what fifty was even when my mom was fifty...........ok, I know its because I am there...but women that are fifty are not wearing moo-moo's and orthopedic shoes yet..............ok, I am collecting cats so I can more easily accept this un-valued place in society. I will the be scarey old crazy cat woman every neighborhood needs. There...an old lady with a purpose...does that give me some value? I am just kidding....but it was harsh to see in print from someone its sneaking up on....I am used to it from people 30 and under, but wow!!!

Awesomeone54

Joined: 3/9/2006

Msg: 56 (view)

why?? Posted: 6/12/2006 5:02:54 PM
People post those "why me", "poor me" lines for the same reason we used to watch Jerry Springer....to feel normal........some of us will go to any lengths to feel normal..lol

Awesomeone54

Joined: 3/9/2006

Msg: 63 (view)

having your wall up Posted: 6/1/2006 9:43:29 PM
Sometimes you get so used to being alone and when you see and hear what some people in relationships put up with......you put walls up because although there is isolation, and sometimes it gets lonely...it is quiet, your way, no confrontation.....but after a long time alone, you need walls up. Seems like people want to start immediately thinking about moving in when dating........just the talk of it, I physically move away from the person unknowingly...at least not consciously knowing...it was pointed out to me. So there are many reasons for walls....but in the end....they protect us and also hurt us as we miss out on many opportunitys. Take it from an old lady....make someone earn your trust, then help you start taking your walls down.

Awesomeone54

Joined: 3/9/2006

Msg: 75 (view)

Do you feel like you're dead in the water here anymore? Posted: 6/1/2006 6:34:15 PM
You didn't give your age....but I am 51 and have just gotten burnt out on this approach...same as I outgrew the bar scene...this one has gotten to be more of a chore than fun. Maybe alot of people my age feel that way and have gotten a little too comfortable being alone (and are now starting to wonder if they really can share a life with someone after so long)....who knows? I wouldn't take it personally....although taking too much on internet personally is dangerous to us all....just try again with one of the ones that interested you that didn't answer...you might just be the one that stands out this time....they say timing is everything. Anyhow....I never anwered one of these things...or had never even read one....but this one caught my eye and thought it would be fun to add my two cents. Good luck.

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