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 Author Thread: why such slobs?
 demondingleberry
Joined: 9/13/2009
Msg: 4 (view)
 
why such slobs?
Posted: 11/25/2009 2:18:38 PM
You might try doing a thread search or wandering the previous forums. This has been asked quite a lot.


Why do so many guys on here have their lead photo as them naked from the waste up taking a photo of themselves in the bathroom mirror?

Because intelligence and humor is subjective and difficult to prove with a photo, semi decent shape is not. Although it could be a lie.
Plus the bathroom has a big enough mirror so you don't have the strain of trying to hold it away from you and still capture your whole body.
Not to mention it might be a clue as to what they are really looking for on here.
Obviously they feel their body is something of importance and needing to be shared.


What's with the bar photos with a beer in one hand, arm around some other chick who's face is blurred out, hats on backwards, dirty tshirt, unshaved face.

Because men don't really take pictures of themselves while alone. Usually when they are out and letting loose or having fun. And then it's usually someone else taking the picture and sending it to them. They may only have so many available.


I dig it if its the only photo you have but can you get a neighbor or friend to take a nice photo of you and make an effort?

People still have negative connotations or associations with online dating. The fact that they showed up and wrote a profile is a lot of effort. What do you want? The world?


Yes, I'm whining.

And admitting it means it's acceptable behavior from an adult?


Just curious about this one.

Which part? Why everyone doesn't represent themselves the way you want them to? Why you feel it important to whine about it? Or not getting what you want from your time here so picking something petty and whining (your word) about it in public?


Am I too picky to want to see a guy send me a nice note, flirt, and try to impress? That's too much to ask?

I don't know. Wanting a guy to send you a note, flirt, and try to impress seems to be unrelated to a picture in a profile. Because the picture represents a snapshot of a second in the persons life.
Maybe you don't really want a relationship so are looking for things to focus on to ignore the real problem and shift blame to others for not getting what you want.
 demondingleberry
Joined: 9/13/2009
Msg: 16 (view)
 
Need some advice about a guy I am falling for
Posted: 11/25/2009 2:08:05 PM

Can I be cheeky and ask for advice on how I should go about finding out how he feels without being direct?

Didn't you ever go to high school?
You write a note, with a self addressed stamped envelope attached, asking to choose who he likes most and give him three options with you being one of them.

Or get one of your friends to ask him in study hall.
Or you give him your phone number and if he calls within the next 48 hours he likes you, 48-72 he kinda likes you but not as much as you like him, 72+ hours then he's not all that into you.

Set him up on a date with one of your friends, then run into them out and about, and if he is all of a sudden all over her when you're around, then he must be trying to make you jealous so is interested in you.

Or get your mom to call his mom to set up a playdate.

Or you constantly bring up an intimate subject and then change the subject really quick and ignore that you brought it up, and blame him.

Ask all his friends if he ever talks about you.

Just a few suggestions.
 demondingleberry
Joined: 9/13/2009
Msg: 17 (view)
 
appropriate gifts
Posted: 11/23/2009 9:43:03 PM

what type of birthday gift is appropriate to give a woman after you have been dating exclusivly for almost 2years and you tell her you love her everyday?

Comfortable underwear and a home made taco.


what types of gifts have you given?

Good ones and bad ones.
 demondingleberry
Joined: 9/13/2009
Msg: 5 (view)
 
Help!
Posted: 11/23/2009 9:41:41 PM

I'm really starting to think that there is no man my age that is looking for the same things.

No one will ever be looking for the same things you are. You are responsible for your own ideas and idealizations. No guy is going to hand you what you want, or be exactly what you want.


Are there any men out there that want more than just sex?

Yes. I'd like a better job. A good pair of shoes, maybe for christmas.


That want a true lasting and loving relationship?

As opposed to a false, short term, hating relationship?
True, subjective. Lasting, subjective. Love, subjective. So basically you want a guy that defines your subjective terms the same way you do. That doesn't exist unless you date yourself.


That want a family and want to start that family with the person they will spend the rest of their life with?

Isn't it more important to determine why they would want to start a family? Or what it is about them that makes you want to birth their seed? And what they and/or you have to pass on to the kid?
I mean the guy that kept his daughter prisoner in the basement over in Europe and got her pregnant a couple of times wanted to start a family with the person he planned on spending the rest of her life with.


Are there men that want to really start a great relationship?

How do you define a great relationship? Passion? Motivation? Love? Friendship? Understanding? Desire? To what degree and how do they interact?
IOW it's another vague and subjective question that implies you want to date yourself, or use someone as an extension of yourself to get what you want at their expense more than anything.


And if there are where the hell are they?

Around you every day. No one is hiding from you. Just not handing things to you.
 demondingleberry
Joined: 9/13/2009
Msg: 12 (view)
 
In the Heat of the moment he ask !!!!
Posted: 11/23/2009 9:32:29 PM

Is it possible?

No. Because it sounds like it isn't a friend with benefits situation.
It sounds like a boyfriend/girlfriend situation where he doesn't want the responsibility for his end of the social contract. But wants you to uphold and live by how he defines yours.

So basically if you change the situation now, it will be just like breaking up with a guy that is a committed boyfriend. He just had no desire to commit to you or your idea of what a relationship should be, just to what he wanted. You were the cog that got him what he wanted.


how do I get this back to a friendship and move on without upsetting him.

You don't. Because you are trying to define the relationship with the vague "friendship." And he's already shown that he wants to force the label definition on you, according to what he wants.
So if you go around trying to force your definition and expectations on him, it's going to be hissy city.
 demondingleberry
Joined: 9/13/2009
Msg: 4 (view)
 
Success, then utter disgusting failure
Posted: 11/23/2009 9:27:19 PM
Maybe she didn't do it. Maybe jesus sent you a sign.

What kind of poop are we talking about? A huge steaming pile or some skid marks?
Was there alcohol or jesus juice involved? Do you have a sick roommate and your date now thinks you did it?

Maybe you should ask her if she knows she pooped in your bed?
Have you ever heard the saying "A lady never sweats"? Or something like that. Well a lady never poops in the bed either. So maybe it's best to pretend nothing happened and go shopping for rubber sheets together.
 demondingleberry
Joined: 9/13/2009
Msg: 39 (view)
 
Are Our Standards Too High & Options to Great ?
Posted: 11/23/2009 9:21:35 PM

Why do we find ourselves still single and seemingly finding the "same" person over and over ?

It's easier, safer, and the same problems over and over sublimate security with negative reinforced repetition.



Do we attract bottom feeders ?

No such thing as a bottom feeder. Unless you are talking catfish. Or if you want to take that idea to it's logical conclusion that you must be in the silt in order for the bottom feeders to even be able to find you. And who is responsible for being there?



Is the ratio of sincere, decent, worthwhile people to jerks, users and game players 2 out of every 10 ?

Personally I see you as a user and jerk and game player based on your previous posts, your profile, and even this thread.


Is it our lack of experience, intelligence or common sense that makes it so that "we" are bringing hurt and failure upon ourselves ?

Why can't it be all of those things? Plus add in your parents or lack of parenting and general socialized training. And then question if failure is actually deep down switched to succeeding. But you have to call it failure, because that makes you fit in. If you have no desire to try, there's something wrong with you. But if you keep trying and failing, well then you're a victim and deserve leeway and a pity party and automatic assumption that you're "good."



Is it the old saying that if we don't truly love ourselves, nobody else could ever either?

Good luck with that. Let me know when you find two people with the exact same definition of love. It does sound like a great cliche though. You can't tie the shoes of anyone else, unless you know how to tie your own shoes. Jesus said that.



Are our standards too high?

If you are asking that question, then yes. They are too high.



It is almost as if the standard some people set is unattainable by any mere mortal no matter how spectacular we are and how hard we try to please them.

Have you ever thought that was the point? That way means never having to do the scary responsible and commitmenty thing, plus being able to blame them for not being what you want or behaving how you want. Also it allows the self delusion of glossing over all the insecurities and fear and putting it down to not finding the "right" one. "I'm not messed up, I just haven't found the right one for me."

Or it's just a symptom of solipsism. People wanting to control or have everyone else conform to their beliefs without having to reciprocate.


<div class="quote"> How many of us are not being realistic by not settling for less ?
How many people are not being realistic by simply spouting the same cliches without thinking about the underlying problem? Of seeing the symptoms and calling it the disease?
 demondingleberry
Joined: 9/13/2009
Msg: 19 (view)
 
What changed your mind?
Posted: 11/23/2009 8:55:00 PM

what changed?

The woman involved, her desire for it, and the taste.


Or what do you think would be a good way to approach introducing it?

PowerPoint?
Smoke signals?
Taking over the dinosaur billboard on I-95?
Talking about it?
Just doing it and see if anyone pushes the other away?
Climbing on top and smothering, to see if anyone pushes the other away?
 demondingleberry
Joined: 9/13/2009
Msg: 22 (view)
 
How do you feel about this?
Posted: 11/23/2009 8:36:06 PM

how do you guys take this?

I take it as time to ask them to dinner.
As I can ask you questions via email all day long and have absolutely no idea who you are as a person.

A guy answers questions to give you your desired false sense of security and pseudo bonding so you keep talking to him.
He doesn't ask questions because they don't mean anything yet. There's no real context.
You could be talking about your most adventurous trip to the top of the Himalayas. But email is such an impersonal form of communication he ends up reading it the same as if you sent him a grocery list. So there's what you intend to relate, and how he reads it. Which are about 4 different things. Like playing telephone with Helen Keller in the middle.

Or he wants to manipulate you into seeing him as aloof so you chase him. That's pretty prevalent.
 demondingleberry
Joined: 9/13/2009
Msg: 16 (view)
 
Going alione
Posted: 11/22/2009 11:54:16 PM

when someone told me that it looks wierd for a woman to be by herself at theatre and opera
thought??/

Tell them they better go with you then?

Realize they are armchair quarterbacking or whatever, that most people don't really pay attention in dark crowded theaters of who is or isn't there by themselves? Or if they do notice they tend to not follow that by-themselves person home to give them a talking to about their weirdness. Not to mention noticing someone alone doesn't ruin their enjoyment of the opera? That most people you come across in life have absolutely no feelings, thoughts, or judgments of you whatsoever?

That sitting at home alone drinking gin, tickling elmo, and watching opera on t.v. is even more weird, people just can't generally see it?
So maybe leave all your curtains open so you can say to that someone "Look pal, it may be weird, but not as weird as what I do at home by myself."

Keep a water spray bottle handy so whenever someone says "weird" you spray them like a cat on the furniture?
 demondingleberry
Joined: 9/13/2009
Msg: 4 (view)
 
Love turn off like a light switch?
Posted: 11/22/2009 11:47:11 PM

Can anyone provide some insight into this insane female behaviour?

Most people don't know what love is? Or it's simply a stupid word with as vague a meaning as "friend?"
Or one person wants to force their definition of love as an absolute on another, and when that other person doesn't live up to it, then there is something wrong (insane) with that other person?
 demondingleberry
Joined: 9/13/2009
Msg: 2 (view)
 
Goodbye to the past, hello with the new!
Posted: 11/22/2009 11:36:57 PM

So should I go out on this date on Saturday and if it goes well let it and be with him, or wait for the loser, and set myself up for failure?

So basically you are asking if you should go out with the nice guy or the bad boy.

And you spend the majority of the post talking about the bad guy, and a little bit about the nice guy.

And the nice guy description is mostly about what he does for you, or how he "makes" you feel.
Not that he represents a perspective that opens your eyes to a new sense of wonder and beauty. Not that you really appreciate who he is as a person. His values, morals, beliefs, or how positive an effect on your life he is. Just what he has to offer you in terms of compliments and validation.

So one guy actually makes you feel...something. The other guy offers you goodies (or at least that's how you describe him) without seeming to ask anything in return.
.
.
.
.
I don't think it matters what anyone says you should do. I have a Jerry Springer premonition of what you are going to do. Not to mention why you even deign to give the time of day to the new guy, or talk to the old guy.


I just need some assurance I don't need this jerk anymore.

Sorry. Not your daddy or your guidance councilor. You have to take responsibility for your own behavior and live with the consequences.

I am not taking the blame for what you are going to do, and I am not going to let you transfer blame to me. No "well I did what the forums said but it didn't work out, why did I ever listen to them! People on the internet are so (x)!" And then you externalize blame and take no responsibility for your decisions and desires.

I will say every one of the guys you will ever date need you as much as you need them.
 demondingleberry
Joined: 9/13/2009
Msg: 11 (view)
 
No sparks should I try again?
Posted: 11/22/2009 11:23:44 PM

Your thoughts would be appreciated.

My thoughts are you probably want something you can't have. And if he gave you a second chance and was all over you then you wouldn't be interested.

I just don't understand

I felt very close to him... I was a bit stand-offish and cold...On the first date

You felt so close to him that you kept yourself far away?
You felt so close to him that the first chance you had to actually spend time with him to experience and discover more of his "inside" in person you kept yourself as far away from him as possible?


I have had 3 long term relationships with men I had absolutely no sparks for at first but gave them the benefit of the doubt.

Long term relationships that end aren't really a "success" or a very good measure are they?
Kind of like being fired from an accounting firm for gross incompetence yet calling yourself a master CPA because you managed to hang on there for more than a year?
Your relationships ended. Maybe you or they were simply able to drag it out far longer than it ever should have gone?


If I was being cold and distant, that was not my real self and I would like to have another chance.

You were cold and distant...right? That actually happened in reality?
Then that was your real self. Your real self is someone that gets cold and distant when nervous. Even after hundreds of emails and getting so "close."

So he got to see you, just not the you that you wanted him to see. He didn't like it. Maybe he knows that you won't start acting like the you that you want to act like until way in the future and hundreds of emails and phone calls and dates and he simply doesn't want to play Dr. Phil.

But you should wholeheartedly try again. It won't hurt. Simply asking takes about a minute. Do you have a minute to spare to write an email?
You may just not get the response you desire. And then it may be a slippery slope to stalkerville.
 demondingleberry
Joined: 9/13/2009
Msg: 26 (view)
 
Cheating
Posted: 11/22/2009 11:05:20 PM

Why do people cheat?

Because people are lazy. Don't believe me? This topic has been done so many times god's thinking about a second coming simply to address this topic. And you'd know that if you did a thread search. So you cheated on the forums.
Instead of sticking to what you had available, you went and started something new, with someone new.
Because the emotions of the new are far more exciting, feel better, and serve solipsistic purpose greater than maintaining, refreshing, or working on the old.


What do you consider cheating?

Whatever is hidden from someone I am committed to. Even if they don't know or understand my commitment.


Is watching porn considered cheating?

Only if I hid it from her. But in general to me no. But my SO might consider it cheating, and I would talk with her about it. To determine why she feels that way, and to see if our values on the subject are complementary or diametrically opposed.


Is going to a strip club considered cheating?

Only if I hid it from her. But in general to me no. But my SO might consider it cheating, and I would talk with her about it. To determine why she feels that way, and to see if our values on the subject are complementary or diametrically opposed.


Do you think it's easier to cheat now days with all of the technology we have than back in the old days?

No. I don't think it's easier. I think it's cheaper. I think whatever advantages technology has made to facilitate cheating have also facilitated discovery. Not to mention more insecurity with it that seems to be inherent or ingrained.


If cheated on, would you stay w/ the person who cheated on you? why or why not?

Depends.
I'd stay if they were honest and I believed them. I would not stay if I just didn't know, or didn't believe them. Mostly because I know I would make their life hell with my distrust.


If you are the one that cheated, do you ever feel guilty about what you have done?

Did you ever consider that might be one reason a person actually cheats? In order to feel the guilt, as it might be a new and strong emotion they are searching for? Or searching for a way to sabotage the relationship to feel guilt and shame and all the bad things because they fear they are a bad person, or believe they already are, so look to validate that belief?


do you feel a sense of accomplishment because you pulled it off?

You imply they are mutually exclusive?
Maybe a little chicken and the egg?
Successfully pulling off a dual life or several facades leads to a sense of achievement (just like taking a giant bowel movement, or completing homework), rather than seeking out a sense of achievement and that's the way that's chosen?
 demondingleberry
Joined: 9/13/2009
Msg: 23 (view)
 
Do we expect more?
Posted: 11/22/2009 10:52:24 PM

What is y'alls take on this?

I don't think people want more perfection than they ever did in the past. I just think it's put in black and white much easier or more often.
Remember when that guy said he had a girlfriend or didn't have time to date? He didn't, you just weren't attractive enough.
Remember when that lady said she was busy or focused on her career? She wasn't, you were just creepy and not attractive enough.


Sort of hard to explain what I mean.. an example a 50 year old man, beer belly, grey hair etc.. decent looking but lets say not good looking... Now this guy ( fictional) gets on dating sites looking for say a 25 year old girl who is built like a model, pics look like glam shots..She has to have lots of money etc...


That's what he would look for even without the internet. But what he would do is go through a bunch of people his own age or whomever would say yes to a date, get into a self defeating relationship to make sure it ends, until the opportunity arose to get what he really wanted.

Online he gets to save the women the pain of dating him and go directly after a bunch of 25 year old girls. Until he gets rejected by those enough times. Then he starts opening up his standards in order to get a quick loneliness or fuzzy feeling fix by "slumming" it, and then he goes back after the 25 year old girls when those "slumming" relationships fail.


I think that stuff like this is what causes so much negative feedback. you take a bad pick or don't sound like your a nympho porn model you don't stand a chance.

I think it just forces people to come up with new lies, excuses, and ways to vilify others for not giving them what they want.


Is it just me or do others see it as well?

What I see are a lot of forum threads where the OP seems to think they are spouting wisdom when really they are simply emotionally reacting to not getting what they want and looking for others to validate the reaction.
 demondingleberry
Joined: 9/13/2009
Msg: 17 (view)
 
Single Bashing
Posted: 11/22/2009 1:59:07 PM

Anyone else have this?

Seemingly socially acceptable ostracizing in order to manipulate conformity?
Yes.
 demondingleberry
Joined: 9/13/2009
Msg: 10 (view)
 
Hard Question
Posted: 11/22/2009 1:56:34 PM
The question seems kind of vague.
It depends on if he is the type to over think everything.

He could of heard

if he could see us going away together?

And what popped into his head was:
Does she mean to jail?
To see her parents?
On a cruise?
For a month or more and I am a couch potato?
For a couple of days?
To elope in Vegas?
What is she really asking by this question?
Does she want me to finance her travel hobby? Does she want me to retire and spend the rest of my life jet setting?
Is she really asking where I see this relationship? Based on how I answer does she determine the level or judge me? Is she just seeing if I will continue princessing her and continue this facade I adopted to keep her around?


When I first meet him I saw him as friend material and told him...so he slowly changed his ways became more loving, and spending more time with me. etc. etc But now he is clearly reverting to his ways.

See. It was a hard question. He didn't know how to respond.
Because it seems innocuous enough, but it got you to thinking about when you first met, and if you want to be there, and paying attention to certain things in his personality that you don't want to accept.
So maybe he realized you would do that. That you would come onto the forums asking questions rather than talking it over with him.
It's hard coming up to the answer to a loaded question. Your body language probably gave it away.

So really the question was

I need something to rationalize and justify seeing you in a negative light, to push forward my feelings I don't want to be in this relationship anymore. So here's a vague question. If you answer yes, I will get you to validate me and your role in this relationship. If you say no, then you will validate my feelings of what I fear. Anything else will fall into one of those two categories. Either you will continue to give me what I want, or you will highlight I need to move on.


You could always have tried asking him something like "Hey, let's go to (X) for a weekend getaway. Can you get the time off?"


My guting feeling tells me that he does not see me in in his future and just passing time with me.

Seems more like you regret giving your second chance and want to get out of the relationship in a way that transfers blame and responsibility solely to him.

IMO
 demondingleberry
Joined: 9/13/2009
Msg: 8 (view)
 
How to tell when he wants more than just sex
Posted: 11/22/2009 1:41:29 PM

he's 21 years old... I do know that he has mainly been in long term relationships in the past though

He's 21 and he's mostly been in long term relationships in the past. He has a huge past? With long term? Relationships is plural. Did he start dating at 6?

You do understand that women can be used for more than sex...right?
That usually when women are "used" for sex it's because sex represents something more than just physical release? It's why the GFE is so prevalent with hookers? That guys want their emotions or ego stroked and self image validated?
That men have the same emotions as women? There aren't two sets of emotions, one for man one for woman that are handed to you one the way out of the womb?
That people love to feel them, get addicted to them, become victims to them, really like having them validated and reinforced?


Opinions?

My opinion is you probably have a fairy tale idealized version of a magical relationship.
That you see him as prey to be a cog in that idealized version. To take responsibility for you and make you all safe and secure and provide you with the relationship you want.

That he has an idealization of how he is supposed to feel and act in order to get the magic relationship fuzzy joy. That he is working more on being perceived/judged as "good," or working against being seen as "bad" or common, than who he honestly is.
Not to mention he is probably attempting to shift responsibility of the relationship onto you. In case it ends, it's your fault, he was a gentleman and gave you what you want.

So my opinion is that you are going to look for things to reinforce what you are afraid are there, he's going to keep expecting you to make him feel a certain way or behave how he wants you to by being passive aggressive. Neither one of you are going to act like your normal selves. Probably avoid conflict, and ultimately drift apart. If there is any type of argument you are probably going to blame each other.
You are going to feel he lied, or he was distant/closed off behind a wall, and he's going to blame you because he let you define the relationship and it wasn't what he thought he wanted or didn't get him to feel how it was supposed to.


We haven't had the relationship talk, or the "where is this going" talk yet, and I'm glad because it is a bit too soon.

That only shows that you have an idea of where it should go, a goal, an expectation, and simply want to compare it to his to make sure he is on the right (your) track.


He asked for permission before kissing...asked for something (not anything that sexual even)...said that he would let me set the speed.

Shifting responsibility of his desires onto you, and hiding his behavior.


I'm just incredibly suspicious of guys my age only wanting sex

So what if they do. Is sex a bad thing? If you accept responsibility that you have sex when you decide you want to do it with your body and that it does not mean anything in terms of defining a relationship there should be no suspicion.
 demondingleberry
Joined: 9/13/2009
Msg: 10 (view)
 
Communication issues
Posted: 11/21/2009 11:54:55 PM

What I'm asking is if any of you have some suggestions for questions I can ask to really get him talking and opening up on a more personal level.What I need are the deeper make you think and divulge more personal stuff to move to a deeper level type questions.

I don't think you would understand his answers if you just threw "deep" questions at him.
Not because you aren't smart enough. You both may simply have too different of associations, emotional reactions, definitions or depth of the same words and language.

The fuzzy light stuff is the foundation the later deep stuff is founded on. Figure out the similarities to facilitate communication. Like grade school. You don't start spelling onomatopoeia the same day you learn your ABC's.

You might try figuring out what is important to you, what is your depth, and then ask the same questions you've asked yourself. See how he answers or reacts and compare it to the reaction or answer you had.

The only way you are going to learn about him (or at least your compatibility with him) is if you actually know anything about yourself and what you value. Otherwise you have no basis to compare his answers against.

Unless you are going to compare it/him to the type of guy you think you want, he should be, or all your past guys. Then you might as well shoot him now.

IMO
 demondingleberry
Joined: 9/13/2009
Msg: 12 (view)
 
Internet daters: are we damaging our social skills?
Posted: 11/21/2009 10:02:00 AM

Internet daters: are we damaging our social skills?

I'd say exacerbating the lack of them more so than damaging anything.


Is online dating 'less sociable' than more conventional ways of dating?

I've never met anyone that went on an online date.
Cyber sex, sure. But no one I know shared a table at Google over a nice bottle of Symantec virus protection chateau '98 to honestly get to know each other all night.

I've been in chat rooms in the past and people would generally polarize themselves into a character. Like those in high school (liked by everyone, class clown, the stoic aloof person that doesn't need to be there...they're just killing time, the heavy drinker/party people, the person that always starts things to get attention, etc.) but when you meet them at get together's and know them outside of the chat room they turn out to be completely different. Only exercising one aspect of their personality when online.

I see absolutely nothing different with profiles. Feedback is simply less timely. So the character people want to play on here starts as a bunch of cliches or demands in a profile and if they choose to stay over a significant amount of time it tends to polarize to a specific character based on how people react to their profile.

Lot's of people proclaiming "I am who I am," but everyone I met that ever said that should amend it to "I want you to see me as someone that knows who they are, and you better not point out to me when I am not consistent (especially if it's constant contradiction), otherwise I will just get angry and push you out of my life if you don't simply accept me telling you who I am or see me how I want you too and tell myself I am."

I think I got off on a tangent.


You could probably meet way more people online than you would trapsing bars and clubs, couldnt you?

No. You don't meet people online. You are simply presented with more options to potentially meet people offline.


But, is the fact that we can date from the comfort of our own homes, destroying our social skills?

No one will come over to my house on the first date anymore. So I can't date from the comfort of my own home.
The internet is simply a symptom, not a cause.
 demondingleberry
Joined: 9/13/2009
Msg: 19 (view)
 
How and when do you know when you're with the one you wanna settle down with?
Posted: 11/21/2009 9:43:40 AM
Let me translate a little bit.


me not feeling like my needs were being met, and him feeling drained and pressured to meet those needs.

You: I have expectations and beliefs of what kind of relationship I want. I have an idea of where I want to be and what this relationship should be and who you are supposed to be in order to fulfill that. Which means I need you to live up to what I idealize and want.

Him: That isn't who I am. Giving you what you want is not who I am and is a facade that takes too much energy to maintain. I don't want to just be used as a cog to fulfill how you think your ideal relationship should be. I have "needs" too but I would rather avoid conflict, judgment, or any problems so prefer to disappear once in a while to recharge my fake personality relationship and then come back.

Seems to be the majority of what happens with online dating, or dating in general.
"I have an idea where I am supposed to be, and you are supposed to get me there."
"I don't want to be used to fulfill your expectations, I want you to fulfill mine. The easiest way for me to get that is to pretend I will fulfill your ideas."
And then two people use the other, then have to go through months of games and self delusion to get away with the idea they are the victim and they are still a "good" person even though they only know how to use others as extensions of themselves.


Is it normal to be so confused about someone you care about?

Sounds more like you care about the potential he represents and that you are "supposed" to care about him at a certain level because he stuck around. You care about the signs he fulfills that you recognize, rather than caring about him as an individual person with his flaws.
It seems you are still looking for the things that will make your life an idealized melodrama.
And he sold you on him providing it for you, but is now chaffing at the cost.


Do guys commonly go through these types of mixed feelings when they're starting to consider their future and love and marriage and having kids and stuff?

Yes and no.
Yes, guys go through the same emotions that women do.
No because you aren't considering your future and love and marriage and having kids and stuff. You are considering your future self image and consistency of who you want to be and if he can help you fulfill the idealized version that you want.


but is this all just a big, big sign that there's just no love between us and never will be?

No. It's just a big ass sign that says "we aren't really communicating, we are just throwing out cliches to protect our self image so we can pretend we are communicating. Because 'communication' is important and 'good.' And we want to be 'good' people. So let's tell the other person that which makes us look like the protagonist in a movie or who we want the other person to see us as. Even though it's not real."

There will be "love" between you if you stick around. Familiarity breeds contempt or love. Which one it is to be is based on how successfully you honestly communicate with yourself and each other.


Any advice or experiences would be appreciated.

There are no guarantees for the future.
You will never get the relationship that you idealize or visualize right now. No relationship turns out how you think, or hope, it will.
You are not in a movie.
Only you can take care of your needs.
You can only accept or decline interaction with people that want to continually be in your life. You don't get to choose who wants to be there or for how long they want to be there. You can't control the behavior of other people.
You do get to choose whose life you try to interact with, and they can accept or decline.


The two of us are just two confused puppies and have no idea whether we should hold on or let go.

IMO I think you do but you are just scared of the consequences or judgments or are in a tug of war with what you as an individual want, and what you as a social creature is supposed to want.
IMO I think you should work on becoming adults rather than puppies.
 demondingleberry
Joined: 9/13/2009
Msg: 19 (view)
 
Difference between job and career
Posted: 11/21/2009 12:22:41 AM
My definition/idea of the difference is:
Career is for purpose, job is for money.
 demondingleberry
Joined: 9/13/2009
Msg: 19 (view)
 
College- A Dream Deferred.. Once Again, Penalizing the Poor
Posted: 11/21/2009 12:20:18 AM

What is up with all of these tuition increases?

States have generally been decreasing funding of schools. Schools put the burden more on the student.
U.S. schools are also losing market share, so less students to spread the cost around.
Increasing and constantly changing technology costs.


This extra hike in these universities and colleges will leave people w/ degrees in so much debt that they will have to find a way to pay back in an economy/job market that is shaky here and in the near future.

Of course getting a menial/starter/entry level job and saving for years and years (depending on how important it is to the person/or how frugal they can be) to pay for school before going never crosses anyone's mind. Or staggering semesters according to what you can afford or what work will pay for rather than trying to do it all at once.
Nope, that's silly, only way to go to school is go into debt first and worry about paying for it later.


Is this the way they expect the U.S. to get out of the trillion dollar deficit- billing the people of the future?

It seems how most people see going to school. Go to school first by any means possible, and assume there will be/feel degree entitled to a great job at the end to take care of paying for it. Basically billing your future self by going into deficit to pay for school now?

Why would the people making government decisions be any different than the people making personal school financing decisions? Are they separate species?
 demondingleberry
Joined: 9/13/2009
Msg: 7 (view)
 
The Big Deal About Being Single.
Posted: 11/20/2009 11:50:16 PM

S0 my question is, what in the **** is everybody's problem?

That you don't have a girlfriend.
That in your whole 21 years of life you've only had 1 girlfriend. I mean you are supposed to have knocked up at least 2 women by now and found out one of those wasn't even yours.
Don't you have any ambition? Try to apply yourself.


I'm just baffled as to why other people make my personal life their business?

Because they want you to be like them. If you are like them, then it must mean they made the "right" and "good" decision. Plus if you are like them you then become a junior member to their group. And groups are what facilitate survival and safety.
So you validate their decisions on their life, their group, and consistency and control in their life if you do things how they think you should.
If you'd just do what they tell you to do, everybody wins. Some more than others.

There is a huge difference between

"when are you gonna get a girlfriend?"

and

people telling me how pathetic is it...everyone around me has a bigger problem for being single than I do.


Maybe they don't have a problem. Maybe you just notice you aren't like them and are taking what they are saying more harshly than they intend?
 demondingleberry
Joined: 9/13/2009
Msg: 8 (view)
 
Wouldn't it be nice
Posted: 11/20/2009 11:43:42 PM

Wouldn't that be nice.

I think if you pay a little extra the Russian mail order bride people put them all in a giant claw machine (like at wal mart) and you feed in your fees for three tries to get the bride you want.

Crazy Russians. You know they put the best ones underneath all the crappy ones they are just trying to get rid of. Or jam the good ones in the corner where the claw won't reach.
Plus it's always the guy after you that gets the one you wanted because you moved all the others out of the way.
 demondingleberry
Joined: 9/13/2009
Msg: 9 (view)
 
he likes you he likes you not
Posted: 11/20/2009 11:36:49 PM

just curious what does it mean

It means he was telling you what he thought you wanted to hear.

He either:
1) saw you as representing something he idealizes
2) saw you as having the ability to offer him something he idealizes
3) saw you as a means to obtain what he idealizes (an extension of himself or his self image)

And then he either:
1) got what he wanted and didn't feel the need to pay you with talk anymore as the transaction was completed.
2) realized he was being dishonest about who he was or his intentions to possibly use you and tried to get out of it in a socially acceptable way that means no judgments on him or doubt placed on the veracity of him seeing himself as "good." With the potential possibility of him returning and trying again.
3) realized that you needed more than just words to give him what he wanted and he wasn't ready, capable, or desiring to behaviorally pay more than that to you.

*(getting what he wanted means more than just physical gratification. Men need emotional, social, and mental validation just as much as women)

Those are my thoughts.

Thank you I appreciate your thoughts.

You're welcome.
 demondingleberry
Joined: 9/13/2009
Msg: 6 (view)
 
Is this a sure fire way to get rid of someone?
Posted: 11/20/2009 11:17:46 AM
So basically your friend was dating a guy. She pulled away and he chased, enjoying sex the whole time.

Then she said "Okay, you got me! I love you!" to manipulate a reaction, and he reacted the way she knew he would. He pulled away, maybe to see if she would chase him.

Please repost some time in the future when the guy tries to come back. For "friendship" of course.

Sounds like about 90% of the forum questions "should I chase? How to chase? Play hard to get? Why is it when I'm mean they come running, but when I'm nice they run the other way? Why do women date bad boys? Why do guys only want tramps? Why do so many people chase me, but when they get me they disappear?" Or anything related to that. It's all the same game.


So the question is do you think this works and have you ever tried it and succeeded or did it backfire?

Yes it works. It's part of the same "chase" games that so many kids seem to enjoy playing. If it didn't work, it wouldn't be so prevalent.
I've done it. Told someone exactly what they didn't want to hear knowing exactly how they would respond and gotten the successful response. When you spend time with people you learn about them. Even if you don't consciously realize it.
 demondingleberry
Joined: 9/13/2009
Msg: 9 (view)
 
Please Help with a Math Problem...$350.00 a year?
Posted: 11/19/2009 11:52:36 AM

$1,000,000,000,000 divided by
10 years =
-----------------------------------------
$100,000,000,000 per year divided by
350,000,000 Americans =
----------------------------------------
$350.00 per American


Based on the IRS website don't only about, or up to about, 150,000,000 (usually 10-30m less than that) Americans actually pay taxes or have tax liabilities?

So if you have a tax liability so the government actually gets money from you (make above the poverty line and using your formula) your new tax will be around $666.00 or more depending on where the lines are drawn for progressive tax increases on the "rich."
(Not to mention unemployment keeps going up so that's 15.7 million extra currently, since 10.2 percent unemployment and 150m-170m usually employed,not paying taxes that used to)

So $350.00 is the amount allocated to each American. Or theoretically their "fair share" of the price. But about $666 (or more) is the bill to those that will actually be paying taxes.


is the $350.00 my new tax above my premium or is it my new premium?

That's your new tax. Assuming everyone pays taxes.
It would only be a premium if you actually obtained an insurance policy.
But it seems you aren't paying taxes for insurance, but for guaranteed healthcare. Instead of "in case shyt happens but you will do your best to make sure it doesn't," it's for "when shyt happens or just because."

I am not really sure if the bill is going to be mailed separate or just another line item under government withdrawals on your paycheck.
I have to assume it's just taken out of the paycheck all at the same time.
 demondingleberry
Joined: 9/13/2009
Msg: 19 (view)
 
Do ANY Men Read Profiles (First or at all?)
Posted: 11/19/2009 11:28:33 AM
Let's see.

There's guys that will email you just because your profile says "female."
There's guys that will email you based on picture alone.
There are guys that will email you based on being female and having a picture.
There are guys that will email you based on having a picture, showing up on their online now or match criteria search, location, and not having emailed you before.
There are guys that will email you because they are interested in profile and picture.

There are guys that won't email you because of your picture.
There are guys that won't email you because of your profile.
There are guys that won't email you because they aren't interested in your profile and pictures.

So that means with those there are at least 3 categories keeping people from emailing you. Meaning it = no email.

There are at least 4-8 categories inducing people to contact you, which = email.
3-7 of which tend to = email you don't want, plus an additional (at least) 3 categories of no email at all.
Only really 1 category = email you do want.

Surprise surprise you are getting more email that you don't want (or none, but you won't notice that), even though that is the most likely outcome.

So basically this forum of

Do ANY Men Read Profiles (First or at all?)...Because if you do, make yourself known.... please?

Is a

Are there any guys interested in my pics AND profile?

Or simply put "Who is interested in me in a way I understand and want you to be interested in me" forum billboard.

I read profiles. And I read forums. I like chocolate and peanut butter Kudos.
 demondingleberry
Joined: 9/13/2009
Msg: 14 (view)
 
what advise i give my friend
Posted: 11/19/2009 11:15:44 AM

what you guys think about that??

That there is probably a lot more to it than that.


she text asking him if was ok for her to come

That would make me mad.
Is she his daughter? Is the casino a private place invitation only?

Personally, I would only respond to texts that said
"I'm going to meet you at the casino. That sounds fun."

Her asking permission seems just passive aggressive b.s. "Please tell me what to doooo" crap.


so she dont want to be in the midle of his game. when she came to meet him , he tell her , lets get a cab for you, and he was mad at her just because the text.

To me it hints more at she asked for permission to come to see if he would pay her the attention she wanted. She got there, didn't get the attention she wanted, so started acting like she didn't want to be there, so he tried to get her out of there.

That would make me mad.
"Can I come see you at the casino?"
"Sure."
"I don't want to interrupt your game. What should I do. What do you want to do? I don't want to gamble."
"If you don't want to be here, let's get you a cab home. I was already here, and I am staying here."
"Why are you so maaaaad? What'd I do?"


the last time he got mad because my friend dint make coffe for him in hte morning

Based on the casino information to me it probably went more like:
Her: "Can we go get coffee?:
Him "We've got some here if you want to make it. I don't want to go out. I just woke up."
Her: "No. I don't want to make it. But do you want some? Do you want me to make you coffee?"
Him: "Jesus, why do you keep asking me to get you something and then you don't want it?"
Her: "Why are you so maaad? What are you thinking? What did I do wrong? Where is this relationship going? I just wanted to get you some coffee! You're so mean to me!"

And now you are on here manipulating information probably how she manipulates things in order to get the holy validation.

So personally, I think there is a lot more information and it is probably nothing like how you describe.

I'm a guy and that's what I think of that.
 demondingleberry
Joined: 9/13/2009
Msg: 11 (view)
 
Hopeless virgins
Posted: 11/19/2009 11:02:36 AM

Any suggestions?

Similar to Snarky.
Hire them a hot prostitute. But go the romantic comedy route. Don't tell them they are a prostitute. But make it so they have a ton in common. Come up with some story or way to meet. Then get her to tell them, or make it known, what they have to do in order to "get" her. See if they establish some good habits and generate confidence.

Film and document everything and then sell the rights.
Then share the wealth and let them hire their own prostitutes.

Or become their maid, clean up after them, take responsibility of their lives like a daddy. Treat them like children. Force them into the shower and into grooming habits. Break into their house and steal everything that keeps them in there so they have to go out.
Getting them hooked on crank is a great way to put them on a leash so they do what you want. Otherwise violence may work.

Otherwise just keep pushing them. Refuse to listen to any ****ing or complaining. Just leave when they do. Train them like Pavlov's dog so they can't ****, they can only do something about it.

Or leave them alone and let them live their lives how they come to it.

No charge.
 demondingleberry
Joined: 9/13/2009
Msg: 12 (view)
 
rape/molestation victims and dating.....
Posted: 11/19/2009 10:53:51 AM

how many people have been vicitim to these things(guys and girls)?

I think it is far more prevalent than anything.
Almost all women I've known socially (including family) have been raped or molested at some point in their life.
More than half of those women have talked about the majority of their boyfriends "confessing" their first sexual experience was either forced, or at a young age with an older member of the same sex.


Does it seem worse if it has been a stranger that did it or a family member...especially if u see them daily?

I think it depends on when it happened.
My answers are based more on childhood or somewhat distant past occurrence rather than last week or within the last 5 years.

I don't think it is "worse" one way or the other. Both seem pretty heinous. It takes away personal choice and/or is an emotional and physical manipulation of someone that obviously has absolutely no ability to protect themselves from it.


Just wanting to know anyone else's thoughts about this

IMO I think the majority of people "run" when faced with this based on how it is brought up.

A lot of people want some sort of drama with it. They make it a special place and time to pretend to "open up" or "confess" their past. When in reality what they are trying to do is manipulate a specific response. A "there, there, it's not your fault...(cry a little)...It's not your fault! I loooove you no matter what. You're strong! You live your life! I admire and respect you!" Blah blah blah.

They simply want to generate a response that implies or communicates the other person doesn't see them as merely a sexual object. It allows them to shift responsibility in their life to something other than themselves. It gets the other person to validate them and define their feelings without having to reciprocate as the only response (for a "good" person) is something positive about the "victim."
Pure victim validation and manipulative control of another person.

That's what they want when they "confess" something like that. From my experience.
People don't want to be manipulated or used for validation, emotional or sexual. So they run.

Sometimes it comes up as an honest answer to a question.
Then if the person runs I think they were probably looking for something they can hang their hat on to get away because they never really wanted a relationship in the first place.

Those are my thoughts on that. That it is a prevalent taboo occurrence that people use to either manipulate others, shirk responsibility, or use to justify their own behavior, because it is seen as something that makes them "special," even though in a negative way, requiring a positive response.

I think molestation and rape does affect people, significantly, but mostly in ways (after time has passed) that they don't realize. But I believe most people choose to believe how it affects them so they can use it as a manipulative tool.
 demondingleberry
Joined: 9/13/2009
Msg: 19 (view)
 
Why can't I just move on?
Posted: 11/19/2009 10:36:35 AM

Why can't I just move on?

Because you enjoy the drama.
It validates you and makes you feel something.
Negative emotions aren't as good as the positive emotions, but they are better than no emotions at all.
And the bible, religion, society, the media, and all that crap shows you the best way to become "good" is by overcoming adversity. So it's best to create some. To assume you are a poor little human, victim to your emotions, where you learn life lessons by learning how to overcome your emotions even though how you respond to them are always in your control.


How do I move on?

You can realize you are doing it to yourself. Making it more difficult for you. Choosing to be a victim to your emotions. Manipulating yourself. Not really taking responsibility, just pretending you are yet still holding it externally. Learn and figure out how fear is really manipulating your life by your own choice.

Or you can realize that you may be able to get a better high from the next guy. Especially if you keep the drama from this guy and transfer it to the next.
Therefore you can sabotage the next relationship you are in by using this guy as the excuse and push the next guy away.
That way you get the victim validation and drama from both, you reinforce your fears about yourself, and you can build it up with more people.

You can then tell yourself you are moving on, and from an outside perspective you may seem to, but deep down you never will. Not to mention (depending on the guys you choose) you can go back into it anytime you feel the bad relationship addiction need.

After enough people in that cycle you can "stop" and get one of those "moments" where you tell yourself you are better than this, aren't going to take anymore, and take control of your life, and all that crap. Then you can belong (high up in the hierarchy) to the group of "survivors" that have automatic authority on life because you've "been there."

So bad relationship addiction is replaced with control and passive aggressive control tendencies.

Either way is still a means to shift responsibility onto anything but yourself. Your emotions, the other guy, your bad choice of men, anything you can hold externally in your mind or separate from yourself.


How do I move on?

By either realizing what you are doing and actively deciding not to do it anymore, then being vigilant in living up to that decision.
Or just using things like forums to get people to tell you what you want to hear, repeating the continuous cycle, and simply tell yourself you moved on.

IOW either grow up or go deeper into cycles of self deception.


I am very unhappy.

Your choice. Under your control.


I truly hate that I allowed him in my life

You let him into your life 30 years ago? You let him into your life before you had feelings for him.
After 30 years of being "friends" with him the last year you've completely invalidated your relationship with him? Wow. 30 years of self deception that you were really friends. I think that's a record on the forums. Usually it's at most 7 years.


I am so angry with myself. I feel STUPID!

You are at least 30 years old. You must not know yourself very well if you are letting your own choices and actions make you so angry and feel stupid. What you do is such a complete surprise? Or is it that who you think you are, or who you want other people to see you as, isn't really who you are?


Is it because I have not been dating.

Probably because you haven't really been focusing on yourself in positive ways when you are or are not dating so you do things that make yourself mad.

Unless of course you really do blame and hate him because you want to hold him responsible, but blaming and being mad at yourself sounds better and seems like something you should say.
 demondingleberry
Joined: 9/13/2009
Msg: 17 (view)
 
why do people feel like they need someone in their life .
Posted: 11/19/2009 10:11:57 AM

Why do people feel like they have to have someone in their life to be complete.

Because people are finite, fallible, and mortal.
It's not about feeling complete. It's about feeling safe and secure. The concept of feeling "complete" is from romanticized religious notions that people are inherently more than what they are. Or that there is a magical component to emotional bonding.
Original sin and greater than animals and gods purpose and all that. Born incomplete or wrong, gaining salvation or becoming good. IMO.


are we so consumed with finding someone that we can't live our lives.

Obviously not. Seems to be you are being melodramatic as you say;

I have a life

So obviously we are not all so consumed with finding someone. Otherwise you wouldn't have a life. You and a bunch of other people would just wander an undeveloped and uncivilized earth trying to find "the one."
Homeless wandering people ask me for money, not love.


I feel like I need someone to love and do things for. Was just wondering if others feel the same way.

Yes. But it depends on the circumstances.
I usually feel the "need" when I am either going through really tough (for me) and stressful times, or have an excess amount of time due to security in all other aspects of my life that I can focus on it.
So it seems I feel "need" for someone when I am under stress or want to reinforce my position in life (to either feel safe from something, or feel secure in something). Which means I want to use someone as an extension of myself for my own gain yet couch it in terms that are socially acceptable that help me rationalize or justify my behavior in using people. I can tell myself I am not using them, while doing exactly that.

IOW if I feel a "need" for someone I tend to know that means there is a problem in my life I am trying to ignore or escape from by using other people.

IMO "wanting" and "needing" someone in your life are both "bad," and not really different from each other.
 demondingleberry
Joined: 9/13/2009
Msg: 14 (view)
 
dont kno what to do someone help me!
Posted: 11/18/2009 9:27:25 PM
Soooooo...you were seeing a guy. You broke up with him. You still date and have sex with him. But in the meantime you still "play the field." Now your ex is going back to acting like how you want him to. And you feel you may want to marry your ex, that he may be the only one for you...but he might not so keep looking.

So simplistically put you are seeking your cake and wanting to eat it to.
You want what you feel are the perks or safety of being in a relationship where you have all your needs and desires met, but without having any responsibility or commitment to a person, while maintaining freedom to make sure you are getting the "best" one. Keeping a bunch around to compare or to assign each to their best ability to fulfill what you want.

Or simply put you are a typical 19 year old human being. Or really, a typical human being.
Playing lots and lots of games with people including yourself.

So what should you do? How about focusing on your cosmetology schooling and growing up? Unless you really are going to cosmotology school, maybe you are a wizard or astronomer or something.

Maybe go through a few more absolute relationships that have a beginning, middle, and absolute end, figure out how that feels and maybe understand why yo yo relationships with the ex are bad for him and demeaning to you?


driving me crazy n acctually making me sick

You've probably been watching too many "chick flick" movies. So look for the drama to define the relationship.
This really isn't that big of deal or problem if you actually think about it.
It just requires you making a decision, learning what it really means to be responsible for your choices, and getting past the "my emotions rule me, and I'm a victim of them" stage.

That's what I think.
 demondingleberry
Joined: 9/13/2009
Msg: 17 (view)
 
Is looks that important to woman, or am i imagining things.
Posted: 11/18/2009 1:54:20 PM

What you ladies think of this, opinions?

Here's a simple general formula:

attracts Men: 45% looks, 40% personality (general social/mental compatibility), 15% consistency (i.e. maintain one personality).

attracts Women : 36.33% looks, 30.33% personality (general social/mental compatibility), 33.33% consistency (i.e. going to stick around).

With any of the axis shifting level of importance based on socialization/experience.
Not to mention a significant abundance over the minimum requirements in one area can make up for a slight lack in another area.

That's my opinion and what I think of that.
 demondingleberry
Joined: 9/13/2009
Msg: 19 (view)
 
Are you sure your ready for a relationship again?
Posted: 11/18/2009 1:30:50 PM

My point, Relationships-if you haven't ended one, don't start one!

That's great in theory. But the thing is relationships never end. They just pause at a certain point and you never know if they end except in hindsight on your death bed.

Relationships are not books you keep on a shelf that you pick up or put away at whim. Relationships force you to build mental associations and emotional bonding over time with a person, circumstances, environment, context, etc.. They don't totally die unless you get some brain disease.

And if the person ever comes back, or something occurs to trigger the same associations built with a person, then the other person is back at the pause point. Emotionally. They just may choose not to be there behaviorally.

So I can understand and appreciate that you specifically are looking for someone that knows how to control their behavior and can look at their behavior and see what it means or considerate enough to understand how it will be received by you.
Not everyone is capable of that in the same way you want.
Sorry.

But thanks for billboarding how you want everyone to behave.
 demondingleberry
Joined: 9/13/2009
Msg: 20 (view)
 
What do you make of this?
Posted: 11/17/2009 10:46:19 PM

What do you make of that? Does that sound bad?

It is only bad when there is a huge disparity between your answer, how they would answer, and its significance or relevance to their experience.

ie:
You say 2 years, they'd say 8..it might be they needed the 8 to get over their ex and simply transfer the belief you aren't over yours, so it's bad and they start looking for "signs" or "flags" that validate that belief.

Or you say 2 years, they say 3 weeks...They might think it's "bad" because they may feel "less" in some way than you, or they think bad of you because they assume you will think something bad about them and want to preempt you.

Or you 2 years, they 3 weeks, and they think bad of you because they see themselves as more than you, because they assume have more experience with relationships. Or that you want to rush into something to make up for those 2 years, whereas they want to take things slow.

Plus it depends on the relationship you are single from. You will get different reactions from different women based on if it was a long relationship, a marriage, a high school sweet heart you met in 2nd grade, or a series of short relationship hopping.

IOW it depends on the woman and the conversation and what information is present or known up to that point and how you act based on that information. IMO.
 demondingleberry
Joined: 9/13/2009
Msg: 17 (view)
 
Why do men lose interest so easily?
Posted: 11/17/2009 10:35:17 PM

Is it the way that I respond that turns them off or something?

I don't know. There are no examples of what is texted back and forth.


Should I play hard to get through texting?

Why? You want to trick them into being interested in you? Is that a good way to start any type of relationship?
Are you going to jump out at some point and say "Ha Ha! I was just playin' hard to get! But from this point on I'm easy"?


These guys would then always txt me first, but as soon as I respond, they lose interest and never ask me to hang out.

Maybe they want you to ask them to hang out? I mean they went through all of that time and trouble to text you, can't you throw them a bone or something?
 demondingleberry
Joined: 9/13/2009
Msg: 7 (view)
 
Why do men seem distant?
Posted: 11/17/2009 10:07:07 PM

Why do men seem distant after telling you how they feel about you?

Because they wait to see what it gets them? And when they don't get the response they wanted they feel they went too far and feel uber vulnerable?

Or maybe because they didn't mean it? They just felt they either had to say it to continue getting what they really wanted, or they felt they had to say it to be consistent with the personality they want you to see them as?


The last relationship , he said he wasn't ready for a relationship and believed what he felt at the time. He basically took back everything he said he felt and wanted. It's confusing, any ideas on what makes a man pull away!

I would go with the guy was either telling you what you wanted to hear, what he thought he was supposed to say, or he got scared about what being perceived as emotional therefore weak meant you would see him as.

Tells you what you want to hear = to get something, gets it, then pulls away. Has to come up with some stupid yet plausible or socially acceptable reason that blames no one, blames everyone or thing but him, or simply lets him escape judgment and consequences.

What he thought he was supposed to say = relationship roadmap. Looked for clues as to where he was supposed to be. Relationship and you defined a role for him, he played along or got involved because it made him happy. Then realized he didn't like to have his role dictated, so pulled away.

Fear = He got scared of getting too close, of being vulnerable. Thought you may not see him as a man, or he lost a sense of "power" or masculinity in the relationship. Men are trained to not show weakness. Now you are a reminder of him being weak. Pull away to go back to being seen as strong.

Of course it could all be games to get you to chase him. He baits the hook with emotional bonding, then pulls away to see if you will chase after him showing he has value (in his head).


I've often wondered what is wrong with me and what I said or did to make him pull away.

Are you a god? He is responsible for his behavior. His behavior is dictated by his choices, thoughts, and feelings. Not yours.
 demondingleberry
Joined: 9/13/2009
Msg: 14 (view)
 
What exactly does no Games and no Drama mean?
Posted: 11/16/2009 2:39:34 PM
It means
"I'm manipulative, emotional, and controlling:
I am trying to control who contacts me
I am frustrated at not being handed perfection so have to add vague subjective requirements I get to define to my profile that are socially acceptable
I am trying to manipulate you into seeing me as someone that doesn't play games or has drama, and that I am so smart and together I can spot it."

Or it means
"I don't really want to talk about myself on this dating site because I still have negative associations with it so am going to hide my true personality. Instead I am going to throw common cliches on my profile that make me sound normal and good, like baiting a trap. So no matter what happens if it ends I can call it a game and drama and shift blame to you."

Means the same whether men or women use it.
It's not gender specific IMO.
 demondingleberry
Joined: 9/13/2009
Msg: 16 (view)
 
should I forget it?
Posted: 11/16/2009 2:33:14 PM

This is a bad sign right?

It's not really a sign of anything IMO.


Well today I saw him today walking towards me in the corridor and he ducked and went off to a door on the left before I could even reach him (he was about 4 ft away from me)

You're at work right? You are working? People there get busy, have things to do, sometimes can't stop and chat? Especially if they know the other person is going to be around every day?


i was just psyching myself up thinking I've got to calm down and say hello to him and he'd already turned and gone off to a door on my left - roughly right before we came face to face.

Maybe he was doing the same thing?
Maybe he is just as shy as you?
Maybe he wants you to make the first "move" or chase him, but then hates himself for not acting the role of "man" so starts to dislike himself, associates that with you, then dodges you so he doesn't feel bad about himself? Oh my god. Why are you making the poor guy feel bad about himself?


There were quite a few people between us as it was a busy corridor, but I'm pretty sure he spotted me.

It was busy. You were at work. He didn't stop and chat or allow you to fulfill your dreams.

Sorry, not really a bad sign. Just a sign that you rely too much on speculation and are led by what you fear more than what you experience.
 demondingleberry
Joined: 9/13/2009
Msg: 14 (view)
 
What do guys think DATING means?!!
Posted: 11/16/2009 2:26:32 PM

In my experience a lot of guys think dating means : smutty texting for a few days, meet for a drink, get in the back seat and get funky.

Whose fault is it for getting past the smutty texting?
And if it never did, then how do you know that is what they think rather than simply hope, or as a means to drive you away? Or simply your own stereotypes?
How do you know they want to date and have a standard definition for the term, but just don't want to date you? Instead hoping to have a different kind of relationship?


But you can't all be so misinformed, so to set the record straight lets hear what some of you guys in here expect of a first date.

I expect nothing. I do hope she shows up. Other than that, who knows. Doesn't mean I won't change my mind about the relationship type I want if/when she does show up.


Personally, dating to me is meeting someone for a drink or coffee, just chat and see if you get along well enough to want to repeat the experience. DATING can then lead to a RELATIONSHIP which may in turn end up being LONG TERM if you haven't killed each other after 2 years.

I'll make sure to note that down in my "Comprehensive Guide to What Each Individual Woman on Internet Dating Websites Want and Expect, With Individual Interpretations and Definitions of Common Terms Dictionary."
 demondingleberry
Joined: 9/13/2009
Msg: 12 (view)
 
Whats the difference?
Posted: 11/16/2009 2:17:49 PM

So I'm wondering if anyone else changed their profile and did it result in different treatment, or a different speed of the person getting to know you depending on whether you posted ltr, dating, or friendship, or is it all the same?

Yes.
When I actually filled out the income question I would receive about 3 emails a week, and they'd ask to meet, without having posted a picture.
Without income info filled out, and with no picture, one contact in several months.


And for people searching, when you see a profile with friendship, dating, or ltr, is your approach different or is it all the same?

I only contacted people with Dating or LTR. I approached them the same.
I ignored everyone else depending on what the body of their profile says.
 demondingleberry
Joined: 9/13/2009
Msg: 8 (view)
 
When is the time right?
Posted: 11/16/2009 1:39:30 PM

When is the time right?

Never. It never will be. It's not a road map or a recipe. There's never a "right" time. There is just when you choose to do it. Then you either accept responsibility for your choice, or try to blame the other person and force them to take responsibility for you.


I guess what I'm saying is, "I don't want to be hurt if I (do it) and then he doesn't want to see me again." That would suck. I definetely don't want to feel used.

Why would you feel used?
Is he forcing you to have sex with him?

Have you reached a point in your relationship where you feel you have to pay him with sex to keep him around? Or that's what you think you are supposed to do?
Do you see your relationship as following a road map of how you think it is supposed to be, and he is fulfilling your ideals of how he is supposed to behave, and now it's time for you to "give up" sex in order to go to some sort of next "step"?

If any of those then you are pretty much guaranteeing the relationship won't last very long, but you've set it up nicely so you can blame him for not fulfilling what you expect him to or what you want.


I know things are getting a little serious and I'm not sure if I want to let my guard down yet.

Does that mean you aren't really being you? You mean you are keeping your "true" self in reserve, showing him what you think he wants, and then think by paying him with sex you are then expecting him to stick around while you make the transition between who you want him to see you as, and who you really are? And if he doesn't, then he used you?


My thoughts are that guys want to go from one woman to another woman. That's what I've been told. I just don't care for that scenario.

Men want a whole lot of things. They do want to go from woman to woman. They also want love. They also want something long lasting and meaningful rather than superfluous and relatively meaningless. In general.

You've probably been told a lot of things. What you chose to hear and listen to is probably a lot different.

You don't like that scenario? Then don't have sex until you see sex as something you choose to do rather than bequeathing or giving up or as a treasure on a pedestal. Or at least until you see it as using them just as much.
That's the only way to guarantee that scenario never occurs.
 demondingleberry
Joined: 9/13/2009
Msg: 155 (view)
 
Whats with the harems?
Posted: 11/11/2009 12:26:01 PM

why do so many still 'sneek' around and look for more?

Because people aren't static objects.
Neither are relationships.
Things change.

There is no guarantee one person can fit what the other is seeking at all times ad infinitum.

There is no guarantee that they aren't telling themselves they want something, only to find that what they told themselves they wanted was in fact just a rationalization to cover and avoid the judgments of what they really wanted.

There is no guarantee when they find what they want, and in the satiating of that, they find out they actually want/need more .

Or are you asking why they "sneek"?
That's because they know the consequences, or fear the potential consequences, if they don't.


Does anyone else seem to find this true?

I find people, whether male or female, collect harems of others by various relationship labels to fulfill what they want denying they are simply using others for their own solipsism.
 demondingleberry
Joined: 9/13/2009
Msg: 23 (view)
 
POF Forums - The Worse Representation of Dating & Daters?
Posted: 11/3/2009 5:47:33 PM

Doesn't reading these forums make you disheartened sometimes because it almost feels like what you read on here or what is posted actually is what is represented in the real world?

Ummm...not to nit pick but the forum posters live in the real world, and whatever they are posting about happened to them, so it has to be represented in the real world, right?

But IMO the forums don't represent anything except individual experiences. Or at least individual interpretations of individual experiences that are then translated taking away any personal feeling, context, or meaning, allowing whomever reads it to run it through their own bias and add their own personal feelings, context, and meaning.

IOW what you read here and how you respond to it is exactly what you want it to mean.
It's great entertainment and it seems it may be a great way to determine where you are in your own head. If you can respond in a completely unemotional way, that's great. If you are actually feeling anything as you type then you might want to take a step back and realize you are responding to yourself, not the person or idea that you just read.


Or is it?

It is what you want it to be, what you fear it to be, and/or what you hope it is.

All judgments are your own, based on your own bias and mood.

IMO
 demondingleberry
Joined: 9/13/2009
Msg: 12 (view)
 
Jewelry Stores
Posted: 11/3/2009 5:39:43 PM

never encountered this sorta locked door setup... have jewelry stores really changed in the past several years?

No. Jewelry stores don't really change. Most I've ever been to (that weren't in malls, or part of another store) had electronic locks and buzz you in systems.

Stand alone jewelry stores don't get up and move locations. There is (or at least was) a lot of expense involved in building a secure store and vault, they handle and store so much valuable merchandise kind of like a bank, so they don't really go anywhere. They just sit in a community until no one will buy the business.

Jewelry stores tend to start in areas that have a lot of traffic. These areas tend to go through the whole upper to middle to ghetto to gentrification thing.
So they build them for long term, and long term security.

That was how it was explained to me anyway.
I think it may depend on whether it is a stand alone store or part of a mall, or connected with other stores, with mall security and such.
 demondingleberry
Joined: 9/13/2009
Msg: 21 (view)
 
The details...
Posted: 11/3/2009 5:25:36 PM

but do you pay much attention to what people tell you before a first date, i.e., if the things they say add up?

Not really.
But I don't hang around and talk online, on the phone, or via text/im.
I don't have to build a profile before setting eyes on them.
I don't have to build a pseudo relationship or check off a characteristics list.
The only time I really pay attention is in person.

Before meeting them I have no context or comparison to judge the veracity of what they say.
They may say on monday they work as an architect. They may say wednesday they work at mcdonalds. And it might not come to my attention immediately to ask them as the focus or point of the email/phone call may be completely unrelated to them telling me their job. And I don't want to fill in the conversation in my own head based on my own fears. For all I know they have two jobs.

I can't measure if things add up, because I don't know what all the variables are. 2+2 = 4, but IMO what you are adding up (before a first date) is x+2+2+2+2... = red flag, and you only think you know what x is. And there may be other variables.

Before a first date the only thing I really pay attention to is if I want to go meet someone new and go in without an idea of who I think they are.
They have absolutely no onus to be completely truthful to me.
And it is unrealistic to believe they are perfect individuals that aren't more comfortable in telling me something false or dismissive than telling me to mind my own business.
 demondingleberry
Joined: 9/13/2009
Msg: 24 (view)
 
Safe dating in the internet age
Posted: 11/3/2009 4:46:31 PM
I don't know about the smart thing. It just seems like another thing. Something else that will lead to a false sense of security, or means to judge others and rationalize personal bad behavior.

Some people have no history online, or it's buried. And people can become too dependent upon the internet. So if nothing comes up, they may think nothings wrong, and take less precautions in meeting someone. "Oh, I didn't find your name in the crime database, like the last 3 guys, sure come over to my house."
Or, "Well, you don't have much history. I can't even consider dating someone I can't find anything on." And then post forums asking why they can't find "good" guys.

Or things that are found are blown out of proportion and next thing you know the person has an internet "rep."
Such as someone getting busted for peeing, while drunk, in public when 21. In some places that counts as a sex offense. Next thing is they're on a sex offense registry or database.
Someone they were going to date finds it, disappears on them, then posts to different websites that they're some sort of dangerous sex perv.

Websites can also be made up, falsified. Information faked. If someone wanted to bad enough they could create a history that says anything they want to, either about themselves or someone else.

So IMO it's not a good thing or a bad thing, just a thing that has it's potential good and bad aspects, and will most likely be abused for the most part.

It doesn't make you safe, it just disseminates information. And you don't know how much you can trust that information or verify it's veracity to much of an extent, IMO.
 
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