Is it wrong to date whilst having chemotherapy? chat & forums.

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Thread: Is it wrong to date whilst having chemotherapy?

lady_kay

Joined: 4/13/2006

Msg: 10 (view)

Is it wrong to date whilst having chemotherapy? Posted: 12/22/2008 2:35:22 PM
It would be wrong to stop living while you "waited" for a better time in your life... if anything chemo should have taught you that each day is a precious gift to be lived and appreciated - you can't take the future for granted. Live now and share that wonderful attitude you have!!!

lady_kay

Joined: 4/13/2006

Msg: 67 (view)

I love you but I'm not in love with you........... Posted: 12/22/2008 2:31:10 PM
I don't believe someone is leading someone else on if they say "I love you but I'm not in love with you"... this is a truth that may be hard for some to understand, but it doesn't change the reality. You can love someone like a brother or a parent or a child, and not be intimately in love with them romantically (meaning you enjoy their company, you treasure their friendship, you find them fun, but there is NO spark romantically - kissing doesn't do anything for you, intimacy doesn't do anything for you except make you regret it, it can't work - it's never going to be more than that special friendship). It isn't playing games to care so deeply for someone. Keep in mind that finding a special friend that you can really care about is rare, so of course people wont want to give up that kind of unique friendship - but that doesn't mean they can pretend to be something they arent... your potential romantic relationship.

lady_kay

Joined: 4/13/2006

Msg: 21 (view)

How long to a committed relationship? Posted: 10/23/2008 10:20:50 AM
That all depends on what you call "committed" or even a relationship. If I am dating someone then it is already exclusive for me because I wouldn't be comfortable dating more than one man. After all he deserves my undivided attention while we are getting to know each other. If things grow and the relationship becomes more physical then it would have to be discussed up front the whole issue of monogamy. There isn't a mandatory time line when it comes to committments, whenever you feel ready to comit is your time line. Could be a week, could be a month, could be a year - it is whatever works for you both. Some people are ready to commit as soon as they find that special someone - other people are more cautious and need to take more time to assure that it is the right one first... to each his/her own.

lady_kay

Joined: 4/13/2006

Msg: 25 (view)

The oddest thing Posted: 10/7/2008 3:03:16 PM
sounds like you two had a virtual relationship not a real one.

lady_kay

Joined: 4/13/2006

Msg: 5 (view)

Why is it that Stuff is so important to a realtionship? Posted: 10/7/2008 2:54:34 PM
I agree with the other poster, her attitude was a bit rude. That being said some women are afraid of getting involved with men who appear to have financial problems (even if it only looks that way) because of bad past experiences where they got suckered in to supporting a deadbeat. Regardless she should have asked questions instead of assuming you weren't going to be her equal financially in a potential relationship. If YOUR wealth is her biggest concern then you are best off without this woman.

lady_kay

Joined: 4/13/2006

Msg: 8 (view)

One piece of advice Posted: 10/3/2008 2:59:12 PM
the best piece of advice I ever got was from my Dad - he always said "if you are going to be dumb, you'd better be tough". Simple but oh so true! I try to think things through before reacting and some of the time I actually succeed.

lady_kay

Joined: 4/13/2006

Msg: 8 (view)

Too fast or just be straight? Posted: 10/3/2008 2:52:14 PM
davismaximus wrote "I don't really want to immediately jump into another monogamous relationship without doing some looking around and talking to more women..." Seems to me if you thought this woman was long term potential you wouldn't be interested in continuing to shop around. Since you still feel the need to explore your options this obviously isn't the woman for you. Let her go so she can find someone who will want to be with her. It's cruel to lead her on if you are just sowing your wild oats.

lady_kay

Joined: 4/13/2006

Msg: 65 (view)

How do you get a guy to ask you out? Posted: 9/27/2008 11:29:00 AM
How do you get a guy to ask you out? Simple, find one that actually is interested in you and he will ask you out without having to be manipulated into doing so (yes that is tongue in cheek sarcastic humor, not meant as an offense). In truth - all you can really do is let him know you are available and interested - then if he is interested he will certainly let you know. If he doesn't respond then odds are he isn't interested so there is no point persuing things.

lady_kay

Joined: 4/13/2006

Msg: 157 (view)

Find many man do not how to kiss. Do we need a kissing school? Posted: 9/27/2008 11:24:12 AM
The concept of a kissing school is a bit silly as it implies one person knows exactly how everyone else "should" kiss... odds are 90% of the population will disagree with whatever style is taught anyway. People are very different in their preferences and a kiss is more than just lips and tongue - it is physical chemistry too (smell, taste, texture) then add in personal preferences - gentle, soft, agressive, passive, hard, wet, dry, moist, no tongue, all tongue, little tongue, brief, lingering, moving, still, etc...) there are more ways to kiss than there are to cook a chicken! There is nothing wrong with sharing your kissing style preferences with someone you care about, but "teaching" implies they don't know what they are doing and odds are they know perfectly well what they are doing. It just isn't the way you like it. If someone doesn't rock your work with their kiss it doesn't mean he/she is a bad kisser - only that their style of kissing isn't YOUR style of kissing. His/her kissing style may be absolutely perfect to the next man or woman.

lady_kay

Joined: 4/13/2006

Msg: 39 (view)

Not attracted Posted: 9/27/2008 7:29:12 AM
You can't change him - even if he makes minor changes for you, eventually he will resent you for trying to change him and he will go back to his old ways. The only person you can change is you. So you either love him the way that he is (meaning YOU change to accomodate his short comings so that you feel satisfied with the relationship just the way it is) or you make the decision that you just aren't compatible in ways that you need to feel good about your relationship. A relationship takes more than just "love" to work. You have to have similar lifestyles, similar moral beliefs, intellectual compatibility, open communication, compassion to see the other fulfilled, and a real enjoyment for each others company even in doing the mundane things. From what you shared it sounds like your relationship is missing some essential ingredients for making it a long term life committment. That being said - only you can decide what to do regardless of what people tell you here. No matter what choice you make you have a hard road ahead of you. I wish you all the best in whatever path you take.

lady_kay

Joined: 4/13/2006

Msg: 7 (view)

Residency requirements and dating. Posted: 8/30/2008 8:16:18 AM
Why not add this limitation to your profile to avoid running into this same problem again . Letting people know up front is the best way to avoid miscommunications.

lady_kay

Joined: 4/13/2006

Msg: 12 (view)

How Do you break up nicely??? Posted: 8/27/2008 7:58:25 AM
If someone cares about you it will never be easy to break up with them and you cannot spare their feelings no matter what you say or do. They are going to be hurt. Most say they would rather be told face to face and anything less is a cop out - but confrontation is never pleasant and most tend to just disappear than having to deal with that uncomfortable situation. If you aren't the kind of person who can handle seeing someones face when you let them down then a well written letter explaining things in a compassionate but factual way may be a better alternative. One last note - don't offer friendship as a consolidation gift - it's better to walk away than to let an artificial friendship fester over time with the hopes that the friendship could grow into something more later. In the end everyone gets hurt. Of course if you run into each other years down the road and you decide to see each other as friends that's different. But it takes time for feelings to soften into something less painful.

lady_kay

Joined: 4/13/2006

Msg: 69 (view)

Is reading someone's diary _ever_ justified? Posted: 8/27/2008 6:37:31 AM
Reading someones diary is never justified - it is an invasion of privacy. If one feels the need to look then they should ask for permission first.

lady_kay

Joined: 4/13/2006

Msg: 32 (view)

When to Step Up... Posted: 8/27/2008 3:57:23 AM
If someone was attacking your girlfriend that would be the time to step up - the guy on the train wasn't harming or attacking anyone - he was just anoying. Your girlfriend was wrong to make a public scene and showed complete lack of class in calling an ex to complain about your behavior when you were being a gentleman about the whole thing.

lady_kay

Joined: 4/13/2006

Msg: 223 (view)

Monogomy is it important anymore? Posted: 8/25/2008 9:29:22 AM
Monogamy isn't just a choice - monogamy is a side effect of a happy loving relationship.

lady_kay

Joined: 4/13/2006

Msg: 23 (view)

Being there for your partner Posted: 8/25/2008 6:23:42 AM
It sounds like you both place different values on what you deem are "significant" events. They may not be significant to him (many people do not celebrate holidays). If this really is that important to you then you have to communicate it not expect it. You may want to prepare a calander of events explaining to him which ones are of value to you and why, but expect that he may not share in your enthusiasm. He may go through with them just to support you, but you have to understand that this is a concession he is making on your behalf not something he is doing for himself. Also keep in mind that some events he wont be there for because he may not see them as events at all - just another day like any other. It is important to discuss these issues early on but if you are only just discussing this with him now you will want to move past the past. Don't blame him for the past, educate him as to what your values are so that you both can negotiate what is important to you both and move forward together.

lady_kay

Joined: 4/13/2006

Msg: 12 (view)

Table for 4 Posted: 8/25/2008 5:04:02 AM
If this lady friend is just a "friend" then of course your current partner is going to want to meet her - why wouldn't she want to meet all your friends (you are important to her so she will want to meet the people that matter in your life). It is only an issue if you are harboring thoughts of potentially firing up something on the side in the future. If your lady is up for it and you both are at a committed stage where you are ready to introduce family and friends why would you deny her meeting all your friends? By not introducing your girlfriend to your friends you are implying that it isn't serious or that your past relationship isn't over and it is more than just friends. I'm sure you would want to meet any male friends that she has as well.

lady_kay

Joined: 4/13/2006

Msg: 6 (view)

Is the tough love the remedy for a mate that has made a mistake Posted: 8/20/2008 12:39:10 PM
Finances have ruined many marriages and is the number one cause of divorce (or so I have heard). Giving her the silent treatment isn't going to fix the financial problems. You actually have two issues - one is your relationship which is suffering from her inability to live within her financial means. The second issue is the financial debt she has burried you both in. With regards to the finances: You may need to cut yourself off financially from her if you aren't married just to protect what assets you have (if any) and seek financial counseling with regards to getting out. You may need to get a consolidation loan in order to pay off the higher interest bills as quickly as possible. This is something you can do without her consent and something you should consider to protect yourself from further issues. With regards to her: If she wont listen then sit down and write her a letter, let her know exactly how you feel - let her know you are willing to work through this with her if she is interested (and if you are still interested). Tell her what you "need" and what you are willing to "give" to help her get through this. The silent treatment never helps - it will never make her aware of what's gone wrong - it will only leave her feeling abandoned and betrayed. You can't make someone see things from your perspective - they only have their own perspective to base their views on. But that doesn't mean you can't try to communicate so that even if she doesn't completely get it - she will at least understand "why" this is tearing you up. You have nothing to loose by trying - you have everything to loose by quitting. Wishing you only the best in life.

lady_kay

Joined: 4/13/2006

Msg: 7 (view)

Best Friend Posted: 8/20/2008 9:43:34 AM
You have no reason to believe or trust any of us here - but the general consensus seems to be the same and I share in that conviction. From personal experience I can tell you it is hell getting over the loss of your best friend - but if you don't walk away completely you will never be fee to let your heart heal so that you can find someone who is not only willing to return your affections but is eager to. There is someone out there for you and he obviously isn't that someone. Wishing you all the best.

lady_kay

Joined: 4/13/2006

Msg: 2 (view)

Can a woman be trusted in a relationship? Posted: 8/20/2008 9:37:00 AM
I think their numbers may not accurrately reflect the population as many people couldn't be bothered participating in surveys... I should know, I turn away phone surveys regularly. So perhaps the ones willing to participate have a higher percentage of lying... who really knows????

lady_kay

Joined: 4/13/2006

Msg: 60 (view)

'High morals Posted: 8/18/2008 11:25:47 AM
renaissance man wrote "An ethical code has to have some basis, though. What is the ethos of "not sleeping together" on a first date, if you're both "into" each other, if one will approve sleeping together prior to marriage? " Usually not sleeping together on a first date implies that someone wants to get to know the other person first before making a decision to risk health and their future on the physical joys of intimacy. Although people can take precautions against diseases, it isn't 100% safe - so why take risks with strangers? Even knowing someone wont guaranty your safety but your odds decrease as the number of partners decrease. Also for many people giving their body sexually bonds them emotionally - so they save the intimacy for when there are already emotional ties in place (it doesn't mean waiting for marriage, but it may mean waiting till the sex can mean more than just sex). Not everyone is as casual about sex - some want it to mean something besides "that was easy".

lady_kay

Joined: 4/13/2006

Msg: 53 (view)

'High morals Posted: 8/18/2008 10:32:47 AM
Hi morals usually refers to having a more strict ethical code of conduct (such as not sleeping with someone on a first date, or religious convictions that don't allow certain behaviors). It may be old fashioned or it may simply be someone wanting to live within a higher standard of living. Of course "high" is open to interpretation just as "moral" is open to different interpretation. So long as their morals aren't so lofty that you end up with a prude who can't have fun having morals shouldn't be a bad thing - when in doubt ask them what they mean by "high morals" you may find their answers surprising.

lady_kay

Joined: 4/13/2006

Msg: 63 (view)

Am I wasting my time? Posted: 8/6/2008 5:31:19 AM
Are you wasting your time by getting to know someone slowly over time instead of rushing into an instant relationship? It really depends on what you want - if an instant relationship is what it takes to make you feel secure when dating then this man is obviously not the one for you. For myself, I'm with the guy - I'd rather go slow letting things grow and develop over time thus building a stronger foundation should things progress beyond dating. For me life isn't a race to a finish line (just as dating isn't a race to a wedding) - life is to be savored along the way, and each step in getting to know someone offers some amazing insight into who we are and all that we will become. Lust is instant, love takes time to nurture and grow. The best things in life are worth the effort and time.

lady_kay

Joined: 4/13/2006

Msg: 26 (view)

He dissapeared again... :( Posted: 8/6/2008 5:17:22 AM
Don't put your faith in online - it isn't real until you meet in person. There will be many on these sites who are very good at email exchanges but to them this is nothing more than just another fantasy role playing game - only it uses live players. If someone can't meet with you in person and disappears every time you schedule meeting odds are they are already in a committed relationship (usually married). They may actually meet you some day if they find a way to do it without their spouse finding out - but usually they will never take it beyond the fantasy. Please note that they will string you along as long as they possibly can as your attention gives them something they lack in their current relationship. Eventually you will get stood up enough to move on and he will too once you are no longer as willing to continue the charade. It is natural to get excited about meeting someone who we feel has potential - but don't take it too seriously - until you meet in person face to face - it is only a fantasy.

lady_kay

Joined: 4/13/2006

Msg: 12 (view)

What is worse: Marrying the wrong person or not marrying the right person? Posted: 8/1/2008 6:56:59 AM
the original poster wrote "when the right person is dismissed, there is no guarantee that this person will ever return to your life" Obviously that wasn't the "right person" or you would have jumped at the opportunity to be with them. It is easy to rose color past loves forgetting the little things that made them incompatible for the long haul. They may have had all the perfect attributes we look for in a partner but still something wasn't quite right. We all live with the "what if" but usually if we let someone go from our lives there was a reason for it at the time. When the time is right there wont be second guessing.

lady_kay

Joined: 4/13/2006

Msg: 9 (view)

engaged so soon? Posted: 7/17/2008 5:59:00 AM
There is no real timeline rules with regards to how soon to get engaged - it all depends on the individuals involved - when you are ready you will know. If there are no children or family issues involved things can progress fairly quickly - when others have to be considered or finishing ones education however it can take much more time before everyone is on the same plan. These stories you hear shouldn't freak you out - because it isn't about you. How you progress in your relationship will be at a pace that both you and your partner are comfortable with regardless of what other people do. Some people over many years together decide that marriage really doesn't mean anything to them so they never get married. Others are ready to take that plunge after just one week. Regardless of how long before an engagement the lifespan of the relationship will depend completely on how well the two remain in love by giving each other the time and support to keep the fires going strong.

lady_kay

Joined: 4/13/2006

Msg: 18 (view)

How much of your personal life is your ex-spouse's business? Posted: 7/15/2008 5:18:31 AM
When you decided to have children it meant putting your own "personal interests" aside long enough for the kids to get a good start in life - they ARE your personal interest and have to be your number one priority at this stage in their development. The problem from what you have expressed in your post isn't you wanting to be a good dad, it's you not wanting to "give in" to your ex because you feel she is taking advantage of you. But as you can see from most of the responses here - it really isn't about your ex. Let her think what she will, it's all about YOUR children. If you are not financially supporting them then that becomes your first priorit - even if it means flipping burgers at McDonalds or cleaning bathrooms at service stations... what you do isn't important, you can continue to look for work while employeed in a temporary job. But if you aren't working and you don't have a job interview then why wouldn't you want to have your kids with you 24/7 (especially since you already said you wanted full custody of them anyway). You are letting your battle with your ex influence the time you are denying to your children. You will have time later for your own personal fun (dating, poker, hockey etc.) right now your kids need you in their life and you have an opportunity to help establish & influence how your children will develop into adults. You only get this opportunity once - don't miss it!

lady_kay

Joined: 4/13/2006

Msg: 16 (view)

Is he a cheater, liar or both? Posted: 7/13/2008 11:01:45 AM
does he mention on face book or any other online site profile that he has a girlfriend? On a side note - if your sister gets emails saying "is he really your boyfriend" then that should be validation that he IS telling people.

lady_kay

Joined: 4/13/2006

Msg: 18 (view)

Today's #1 Dating Problem: Love Maximization Posted: 7/13/2008 10:19:50 AM
Hmm, I've read articles by Dr. Schwartz, seen one video lecture, and posted about this on another thread. He advocates (or seems to) settling, and that's a @#$%^&* sin, people!!! Never Settle. When will people learn? Please continue to hold out for the perfect one. If you "settle," you'll regret it later on. Simple as that! Dr. Schwartz isn't saying settle for less - he is saying respect and enjoy what you have. If you spend your entire life looking for perfection you will find yourself alone. Perfection is a myth and is not achievable - after all we are all just human. Finding that special someone we want to share our lives with has more to do with matching moral values, similar interests, lifestyles, and compatibility than perfection. When you get that right fit nothing will "feel" more pefect even with all the flaws.

lady_kay

Joined: 4/13/2006

Msg: 48 (view)

Marriage VS a commitnent ceremony? Posted: 7/12/2008 11:19:49 AM
For myself I still believe in the holy bond of matrimony and if the time comes when I connect with that one man I want to share my life with I can't see any greater gift of love than devoting my life and love to him exclusively for the rest of our lives. I realize that not all marriages will stand the test of time - but I don't believe that negates the value of matrimony. A wedding without a marriage sounds more like role playing since no legal committment is being made. It really does sound like something the wedding industry would create just so they can increase annual revenue. Now instead of a once in a lifetime event, it can be annual event with whichever flavour of the year one decides to artificially commit to.

lady_kay

Joined: 4/13/2006

Msg: 23 (view)

Open relationships all around? Posted: 7/12/2008 9:27:15 AM
Your logic is flawed although I can understand where you are coming from. Lowering our expectations so we wont get hurt because we automatically expect the worst of people. What's the point in starting a relationship expecting the worst? The reason we have expectations is because we live by specific standards - these standards allow for the continuation of the human species. Without those standards diseases would wipe out a huge part of humanity, people would abandon their partners during their times of need, no one would care for the elderly or the young. Your example society only cares for themselves at the cost of everyone else around them. Society would crumble and our species would die off. There is a reason why we are all born with those "standards" or "morals" or "beliefs" (whatever you wish to call them). They are part of our genetic coding and what allows humanity to survive. I cannot believe an immoral world void of compassion, honesty, integrity, loyalty, etc would ever have a chance of survival.

lady_kay

Joined: 4/13/2006

Msg: 8 (view)

such a thing as a 'soul mate' or no? Posted: 7/12/2008 9:15:42 AM
I believe that at any stage in life there will be someone who will be a natural fit, but each stage may or may not be the same person. As we evolve and change so too will our partner - if we are truly fortunate our paths will continue along a parallel line for life. But the odds of that happening are slim. I still believe that a marriage can last a lifetime - but as for that soul mate, I think it is more a romantic notion than real.

lady_kay

Joined: 4/13/2006

Msg: 7 (view)

Willing to move for the right man??? Posted: 7/12/2008 9:05:29 AM
although your wording may have come across as offensive, your beliefs come across as sound and intelligent. I know a few women who would be willing to pack up the kids and move far away for the right man (scary thought) but I don't believe you can get to know the real person via the internet. This is a great place to open doors to meeting people, but you have to physically meet them in order for things to develop into reality. Online is a virtual world - you meet people online and you see only what they choose to show you. You fill in all the missing pieces with your own imagination... therefore the person you are getting to know is still just a fantasy. They don't become real until you make it real. Dating is an important part of getting to know someone. Chatting online can create "feelings" but those feelings aren't based on reality - it can't be. Not until you make it real. As for those people willing to move across the world with kids in tow... think about it a bit more - are you doing this to escape your current life? what impact is this going to have on the kids? where is the other biological parent and will it robe them of participating in the childrens lives? When you have kids it isn't about you anymore, its about the emotional wellbeing of the entire family and every individual matters. I agree with the original poster on this topic.

lady_kay

Joined: 4/13/2006

Msg: 192 (view)

What makes guys jealous? Posted: 7/11/2008 8:43:28 AM
We all have our comfort zones, areas where we feel secure, validated, and comfortable within a relationship - jealousy only becomes an issue when our "position" in someones life becomes compromised or threatened. Some threats are real, some are imaginary, but those "feelings" of jealousy are very real and if not delt with in a healthy way can become a destructive force that leaves tragedy in its wake. Jealousy has nothing to do with the other person and has everything to do with how we feel about ourselves within any given relationship. Whether that relationship is work, friends, family, neighbors, or a loved one.

lady_kay

Joined: 4/13/2006

Msg: 56 (view)

Who lies better--men or women? Posted: 7/11/2008 8:13:45 AM
No gender is superior at lying than the other - Assuming one "gender" is better at lying simply implies that they have "caught" one gender in a lie more than the other. A lier uncaught in the act isn't seen as a lier even if they are... and I seriously doubt people who lie would tell the truth about their lying. So even statistics on lying would be a lie. I prefer to believe that people are generally good in nature and that most lies are said to spare feelings or to avoid confrontation (ie the little white lie). I may not agree with lying, but I do understand why some would rather tell a white lie than purposely hurt someone elses feelings.

lady_kay

Joined: 4/13/2006

Msg: 45 (view)

Some advice please ! Posted: 7/11/2008 6:57:30 AM
Two wrongs don't make a right. You are both treading on thin ice by persuing a relationship where there is no trust (your reading her emails and phone text messages shows a complete lack of respect for her privacy - even though your concerns were validated) and she feels the need to seek sexual gratification somewhere else meaning she isn't completely satisfied within this new relationship with you (perhaps she isn't emotionally mature enough to handle a monagamous relationship at this stage - or she never got the chance to explore sex when she was younger). Whatever the reason this isn't the grounds for starting a happy loving lifetime relationship. It doesn't mean your relationship is doomed - it simply means it is too soon to even consider living together or having children - besides whould you even know if any future children are yours? Slow down. You are getting a lot of red flag warning signs - you are also doing sneaky things that should have you thinking twice about the validity of this relationship. It is possible to love someone that you are completely incompatible with when it comes to building a future. This may be one of those loves that has no long term potential.

lady_kay

Joined: 4/13/2006

Msg: 88 (view)

What did YOU do wrong in your last relationship? Posted: 7/11/2008 6:06:26 AM
I put his needs first while sacrificing my own needs to the detriment of my own well being - I forgot that love isn't about being a martyre, it's about both lives being enriched by the connection. Although it is in my nature to give - I have learned that it is just as important to receive. If it isn't mutually benificial, then it isn't a relationship - it's a servitude.

lady_kay

Joined: 4/13/2006

Msg: 18 (view)

How to trust? Posted: 7/10/2008 7:32:31 AM
I don't believe your statement "not knowing builds trust" is accurate. My definition of trust is having faith in someone to behave in a way that doesn't betray our core moral values. When someone needs to know your wearabouts at all times then there is a lack of trust that will not be fixed by telling them where you are or denying them knowledge about where you are. The issue may be with you if you have broken their trust in the past, or the issue may be with the other person (if they have had their trust broken by others in the past). The issue isn't your wearabouts, the issue is they have a hard time believing that you will behave in a way that doesn't betray them. Until they personally resolve this issue this will continue to be an ongoing problem in your relationship. You can't force someone to trust you - they either do or they don't. It is then up to you to maintain their trust by your actions.

lady_kay

Joined: 4/13/2006

Msg: 2 (view)

how can i start on the phone???????? Posted: 7/10/2008 7:18:31 AM
You can start with a simple hello then tell her you are uncomfortable talking on the phone but would love to talk with her in person over coffee or dinner. Ask her if there is a good time for her and try to be flexible. This way she knows you are interested but uncomfortable with calling - everything is up front. Just keep it simple, keep the call short and you will do just fine. Everyone I know struggles with that first uncomfortable phone call so you aren't alone.

lady_kay

Joined: 4/13/2006

Msg: 79 (view)

She tried to come between me and my family, so I dumped her. Posted: 6/30/2008 8:23:04 AM
Rest at ease - you may have lost what "seemed" like a wonderful woman, but if she was denying you sex as her way of controlling your actions then you are better off without her. She just showed you what you can expect in the future... a sexless relationship filled with drama and you spending tons of money trying to make her happy. That isn't a relationship - that is a dictatorship.

lady_kay

Joined: 4/13/2006

Msg: 26 (view)

if a relationship isn't living up to expectations Posted: 6/10/2008 7:42:55 AM
The best place for me to start when trying to communicate is listening. Ask him what he wants. Ask him if there is something he dreamed of that he has yet to experience. Ask him about his dreams and goals. Ask him about his relationship expectations. Encourage him to be completely honest with you and try not to be judgemental when he answers... be supportive and encouraging. This way you are demonstrating what you are hoping to receive when you start to share with him your own expectations and dreams. By listening first instead of trying to communicate first it helps you understand him so that you can communicate in a way that he will better understand. It shows that you are open to change and that you really do care about where he is and how he feels. His reactions to your questions and his answers will give you a great deal of insight into how to communicate effectively with him. It's a shame I didn't learn this skill earlier in life - but I'm living proof that it's never too late to change. I wish you all the best with your relationship.

lady_kay

Joined: 4/13/2006

Msg: 40 (view)

New relationship is making me ill - not his fault! Posted: 6/10/2008 6:58:25 AM
Wow, it sounds like you have lived through some rough experiences. This being said you can't expect this new man to "heal" your wounds of your past. You have to decide for yourself whether the risk is worth it and if it is then you have to make steps towards accepting that the past is something you cannot change, but it doesn't mean you have to continue playing the victim. You have learned to put yourself in positions where your lack of trust in people will be validated. You expect this man to fail too. It is those expectations that are creating insecurities and they are causing you to push him away... since you will never believe him when he says he loves you then there is no place left for the relationship to grow. He can't possibly assure you of his feelings, because you have already decided that no man can love you the way you deserve to be loved... at least this is what it seems to be from what you have written. You are creating these self-fulfilling prophecies by your own actions. Some professional counseling can go a long way in helping you to understand your behavior pattern of "learned helplessness". You don't have to be a victim anymore. Men in general are not out to hurt you or betray you - they are out to satisfy their own goals and dreams in life and the ones who hook up with you do so because they feel you may fit what they are looking for. No one really knows if a relationship will work out until it actually does. You are already aware of what your trigggers are... You are already aware of what issues you are dealing with - bravo on your self-awareness, so few people ever really look to see why they keep going through similar situations in life. You made it this far so you are obviously a very strong woman. All you need now is some help in learning to trust again. I am glad you are seeking professional counseling. You have so much going for you - it would be great if you could show the world the kind of woman you really are and how you deserve to be treated. They say the best revenge to the people who have mistreated you is living a great life filled with happiness and all the things you want in life.

lady_kay

Joined: 4/13/2006

Msg: 2 (view)

prepare Posted: 6/8/2008 9:26:23 AM
There have always been and will always be those who preach the end of the world. Some were well founded, others based strictly on religion, myth or conspiracy theories. This is not new. Just one more person adding to the confusion. On a side note; the best preachers in the world know how important and powerful the written word can be. But that power is completely lost if you don't use proper sentence structure to get your point across (such as adding spaces for separating paragraphs!). Your post is all blurred together so the gist of it is completely lost.

lady_kay

Joined: 4/13/2006

Msg: 58 (view)

Do you Believe in Love or is it Just About Finding a Compatible Person? Posted: 6/8/2008 5:25:15 AM
I do believe in love, but I know for a relationship to work it takes both love and compatibility. One without the other doesn't work. Love and compatibility don't always go together hand in hand... you can certainly love someone but not be able to get along with them. You can also get along great with someone but you cringe inside if they try to touch you because there is no love there. I learned the hard way that I can't settle for one without the other when it comes to building a long term relationship. So I patiently wait, living my life, building my future, and making the most of each day while leaving options open should that opportunity to love ever come my way.

lady_kay

Joined: 4/13/2006

Msg: 13 (view)

Needs more time? Posted: 6/8/2008 5:16:42 AM
It sounds to me like she is trying to let you down easy. I've personally never heard of anyone getting back together with someone after stating they need more time apart. Even if it is true that she needs to focus on her own personal issues, if you were the right one for her she would welcome your company along the way. It's time to let go and move on.

lady_kay

Joined: 4/13/2006

Msg: 12 (view)

Relationships Posted: 6/8/2008 4:49:23 AM
If he's looking it should be a warning that things aren't as good at home as they may seem. Do the two of you still go out together as a couple? Or is parenting 24/7 all consuming these days? You are at a cross road for most relationships when a child can become more important than the couple itself. Only by putting time aside each week to be a loving & passionate couple will your relationship stand the test of time. He has to feel desired, loved, wanted, respected, etc... and if all your energy is going to the child he may feel completely abandoned sexually & emotionally (which is hard on a man's self-worth as a man). I often here of people saying they put the child first - but the problem with this is without putting the couple first, they cannot remain united so that as a couple they can put the child first. So they end up putting the child before the marriage and everyone looses in that scenario. If you haven't considered couples counseling, now would be the time to consider it. You still have a chance to save the relationship but things have to change or he will move beyond window shopping into sampling... this is the unfortunately reality of the times we are living in.

lady_kay

Joined: 4/13/2006

Msg: 35 (view)

Where to go on a first date? Posted: 5/29/2008 1:10:41 PM
When it comes to a first date - the best ones are where we are doing something fun together - it allows us to get aquainted without the "across the table interegation scene" at an overly bright and noisy tim hortons. Playing pool, taking a dance class, bowling, ice skating, shuffle board, darts, taking a class together in fencing or art, etc... anything that allows us to have fun while getting to know a bit about each other is a great ice breaker. Salsa class anyone?

lady_kay

Joined: 4/13/2006

Msg: 162 (view)

Romantic gestures .... Why are they needed ?? Posted: 5/29/2008 12:54:19 PM
I too agree with artigirl - it isn't about the giving - it's the value your partner places in the receiving. Those gifts are physical manifestations of what she sees as your love for her - this is HER perception and the value she places in these things. For myself it isn't about the physical gifts (I've never been materialistic and don't need or want expensive gifts) it's about the sweet gesture made to let me know I am in his thoughts (just a simple card can really make me melt). What can she give you that will remind you that you are in her thoughts and in her heart? What do you value?

lady_kay

Joined: 4/13/2006

Msg: 3 (view)

Should you tell... Posted: 5/29/2008 12:32:13 PM
some people can only learn for themselves and all your "good intentions" of trying to spare them the pain often tends to backfire (thus costing friendships). A better approach may be to talk to the person they are dating - let them know you are aware of their past and encourage them to come clean to your friend about their marital status and history. It then puts the responsibility back where it needs to be - between the two consenting adults who are exploring a potential relationship. You can't save your friends from making bad choices anymore than they can save you from making bad choices... all you can do is be there for them when they realize their mistakes and enjoy what time you get to share as friends.

lady_kay

Joined: 4/13/2006

Msg: 2 (view)

Cuddling... The Biggest Issue!! Posted: 5/29/2008 12:28:00 PM
too many people down play the importance of human touch - I hug all my friends (male and female) and it is not unlike me to cuddle with friends while watching movies... but that being said there is certainly acceptable forms of cuddling for someone who is in a committed relationship and unacceptable forms of cuddling. Perhaps its time for you to sit down with the gentleman and negotiate limitations: what you are comfortable with (such as hugs) and what you are not comfortable with (such as having another womens legs drapped across your man's lap)... although he may think nothing of it, it is obviously very important to you and it is hurting your feelings. If he isn't willing to negotiate, then you need to decide if this is something you can tolerate (you can't expect him to magically change if he doesn't see this as a problem) or if this is a deal breaker for you then you may need to walk away. Relationships rarely work when we expect someone else to change in order to live up to our own personal standards. The best relationships have open communication and both are respectful of each others feelings without compromising their own individual values.

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