Why do Strong, Independant, and Outspoken MEN scare the hell out of the modern-day woman? chat & forums.

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Thread: Why do Strong, Independant, and Outspoken MEN scare the hell out of the modern-day woman?

moonbeamlover

Joined: 10/26/2009

Msg: 235 (view)

Why do Strong, Independant, and Outspoken MEN scare the hell out of the modern-day woman? Posted: 11/8/2009 8:22:17 AM
I think how they speak is important as well. Strong is awesome; a bulldozer not so much. Independence again is awesome; closed off loner who avoids intimacy altogether not so much; someone who speaks their mind, KNOWS their mind and fosters the woman knowing and speaking her own? BEYOND awesome... but those who speak their mind as a bludgeon with no tempered compassion; where it is brutal, in your face truth, know it allishness, and no kindness in the words; is just bullying and, again, being a bulldozer. so a confident (and comfortable with the woman being confident as well), comfortable on his own AND with his woman man who has developed knowledge and opinions based on constant curiosity in life and a thirst for knowledge, and an ability to communicate and have good dialogue on all levels with someone he considers his equal where they can speak, hear and push each other's boundaries, as well as speak intimacy, feelings and dreams? As far as I'm concerned, you don't get any better than that. Not only does that not scare me, that is EXACTLY what I want. In a perfect world, anyways :)

moonbeamlover

Joined: 10/26/2009

Msg: 35 (view)

Going out with the opposite sex while in a relationship Posted: 11/8/2009 8:13:13 AM
disagree that it has to do with trust. My ex girlfriend told me "that it shouldn't be a problem if I trusted her." I trust her, I just don't trust emotions; you cannot control who you fall in love with. Even when you are in love with another person your emotions can always betray you and start up with another. All it takes is a moment of weakness in your relationship. I think I see where you are going with this. In this case you are talking ACTUAL relationship, not the potential for one... And you are not talking about initial meeting as much as you are talking about establishing brand new friendships with opposite gender? I actually disagree that you can't control a person who you fall in love with. I think you can "set the table" for falling in love, by putting yourself in a close intimate friendship where your sharing, your affection (even platonic) and your trust become more invested with this other person than they are your significant other, who SHOULD get the innermost part of you (at least for their gender; you may have a closer guy friend). If you spend more time, better quality time, and intimately share emotionally with them you are setting yourself to fall in love, and then when it happens saying "it took me by surprise, they were only a friend, I didn't see it coming" is baloney; BOTH freinds did nothing to stop it from developing; did not have clear boundaries and in fact did everything (subconsciously, but literally) to go down that road; and it's natural feelings can develop when two people are that emotionally connected. That is far from saying you want to meet a new person at a bar. Anyone who develops close intimate friendships with the opposite gender, not ones they "had from ages ago" but develop new ones? Massive red flags. Emotional cheating is worse than physical. both are wrong; but people can separate their feelings from physical cheating; but rarely can they separate them from their emotional ones... love happens frequently and it happens hard. That is why there is so much relationship jumping online; MANY people on here are in relationships, that are looking to find a new one. Or one on the side.

moonbeamlover

Joined: 10/26/2009

Msg: 34 (view)

Going out with the opposite sex while in a relationship Posted: 11/8/2009 8:03:33 AM
See... I don't get this... why is going out with someone for a drink or two in a bar exploring the possibility of a relationship? I don't see it as such... To me, it's just going out with a friend for a couple of drinks... I would have no problem if my s/o joined us because there would be absolutely nothing to hide. It's not. You misunderstood there. The exploring the possibility of a relationship isn't with the "new" person you may be considering going out for a coffee with, as freinds. It was exporing the possibility of a relationship with a person you have gone out with several times, but have not progressed to the point of it being an actual relationship. When you are still in the dating but not dating exclusively phase but think you might be going there, it doesn't seem fair to go meet new people without them knowing you are exploring the possibility of a connection to the point you wouldn't be going out for coffee or whatever with any romantic potential in mind at that time; until things are settled one way or the other with this other person. And the person you have dated several times that is progressing towards a relationship should be cool with it too. The point where a person feels they have to hide it? It becomes unkosher.

moonbeamlover

Joined: 10/26/2009

Msg: 7 (view)

Going out with the opposite sex while in a relationship Posted: 11/7/2009 3:56:35 PM
You're "in" a relationship, or you're exploring the possibility of one? If you're in one for real and are meeting opposite gender people online or at bars? Doesn't sound like someone in a relationship. Sounds single. If it's the potential for one but isn't t yet by either party ; that's not the same thing. Saying you are ok meeting someone but letting them know you are exploring the beginnings of a connection with someone and until you know where that is going, you don't want to meet with any expectations for anything but friends until you know where that one is going so they don't feel like they're wasting their time; and he's cool with it too, I think that's ok. as long as you both are ok with it (you and the other possible relationship person). But the second it turns into an actual, relationship; no I don't think it's kosher. That's usually what turns into cheating. imvho. (just read the rest of these; and I am not saying ditch friends had previously; yes I do have guy friends who are just friends, and I have no problem with guys who have friends who are women; but deliberately going out to meet women at bars or online after in a relationship? (or a woman deliberately going out to meet a guy online or in a bar) does sound a little red flaggish to me... again only in my lowly humble opinion :)

moonbeamlover

Joined: 10/26/2009

Msg: 104 (view)

What kind of guy do you want to marry? Posted: 11/3/2009 11:35:57 PM
ms beamlover? lol. you're the one doing the contraction. it's MOONbeamlover. aka a lover of moonbeams (something that has been beyond spectacular the past few nights; especially on the water; lit the entire lake on white lit fire- they're magical and I adore them)... Don't smoke; don't drink much either; and I also never said the proposal had to be for marriage. there are a lot of proposals that would be equally acceptable to roaring Helen Reddys or NOT helenreddy roarers... :) I'm thinking though you were maybe hoping you guys could row together for a while at the very least... from your extremely well designed counter to her great boo list :) (I will keep an eye out for that joining witness invite) :) ps (that pic was taken two nights ago and the full moon ironically WAS big time glowing in the window i was looking towards; also ironically I grew up being called her double by everyone; though haven't heard it for ages)

moonbeamlover

Joined: 10/26/2009

Msg: 102 (view)

What kind of guy do you want to marry? Posted: 11/3/2009 11:04:08 PM
um, Grandma BooBoo... if my eyes don't deceive me, I perceive the gentleman below you might just have proposed... (if he didn't, you might want to seriously consider doing it to him )... :) *walks away singing under her breath "can you feel the love tonight"...

moonbeamlover

Joined: 10/26/2009

Msg: 80 (view)

What kind of guy do you want to marry? Posted: 11/3/2009 12:50:41 AM
For the cynic who says we who have lists are shallow and empty ourselves; Anything on my "who I'd marry if I found them someday and got to that point ever" list? I bring to the table myself. There is nothing whatsoever that I say that I want that I don't do myself. Every single solitary last one of them, and then some. Those are just the ones that are most important to me in someone else. I just want someone who wants to share those things back. Anyone who assumes me or anyone else who knows what would resonate the most automatically means we have absolutely nothing to bring ot the table and just want to suck some poor sucker dry... cynical, much? Thought it went without saying it went both ways. No fair wanting something I'm not willing to do myself. I somehow doubt I'm the exception here.

moonbeamlover

Joined: 10/26/2009

Msg: 74 (view)

What kind of guy do you want to marry? Posted: 11/2/2009 11:02:28 PM
If I were ever to go down that road again someday, who would it be with? Qualities that really resonante are: intelligence and a warped sense of humor integrity creativity someone who is self sufficient financially, and who is ok with my being the same; someone open, communicative, head over heels in love with me and someone who wants me to be exactly the same with them. someone attentive and affectionate and passionate, about life, about interests and about me. A romantic. and someone who can talk all hours of the night about anything and everything, and if they could share music or nature appreciation, that would be unbelievably cool. Don't ask for much, do I? :) oops, looks like I'm one of the "other side of brown" women, aren't I? So sorry... please disregard... :)

moonbeamlover

Joined: 10/26/2009

Msg: 183 (view)

I'm losing my faith and respect for women Posted: 11/1/2009 9:57:35 PM
Is it "western women", and men who are stuck with them? or "current people" and those who are stuck with them? What you look for, you will find. You might have a few tainted apples in the bunch; but if you are sure you are going to find decent, relatable, respectful and fun, you'll find it. If you are convinced you're going to find uppity, entitled, prima donna-ish, playerish men OR women, you'll find them. For every player, cheat or liar you come across, there is one less to wade through before you hit a person who is what you believe is out there. The second you believe and lose respect for women or men? you will be disrespectful, and you will breed more of what you fear is out there. But it is originating from you. Isn't it nicer to think positiviely and give the benefit of the doubt, just like you'd want someone to do with you? Nothing mroe attractive than positivity; nothing more ugly than cynicism and negativity. Put the positive out there, and find the good eggs. There are lots out there.

moonbeamlover

Joined: 10/26/2009

Msg: 15 (view)

Friendship into relationship. Posted: 10/29/2009 10:29:30 PM
With some people the word friend shuts them off. But with other people, that is exactly what they want too. Personally I think intimacy and the romance can be a whole lot more incredible when you have a foundation of friendship built first; you build up the trust, learn each other; and then if it deepens; it deepens into something pretty dang incredible. and I don't believe I'm the only one who feels that way. Some people if you mention the word friend they think you are rejecting them... just find other people who are looking for the same thing; not everyone wants to dive instantaneously into a relationship; even people who are ultimately looking for one. Some might feel intimidated you don't have a lot of (well almost any) history; but others will find it pretty cool; but don't "downplay" the tension; if you feel it; show you feel it and are choosing not to act on it as yet; though you would like to have that be part of a relationship when both know it's right. Otherwise they assume you aren't "into" them and they won't let themselves be "into" you back; you will have mutually hiding vibes :) good luck; and yes. To answer your question; you can very much turn a friendship into a relationship; with someone else who values the same thing.

moonbeamlover

Joined: 10/26/2009

Msg: 28 (view)

Christmas. Posted: 10/29/2009 2:28:44 PM
It depends on who originated the idea. My daughter recently had her 18th birthday, and most of our married lives we frequently had my family and my ex's family together for events. When we split; that ceased abruptly; and there was literaly no interaction between the families. For her birthday, she point blank asked me if I could get the two families to celebrate it together. She said it would mean a lot to her. She knew there would be no reconciliation; but she wanted a day where it wasn't the jarring separate running both places. I asked to have it at my parents so it was not at my house; so it was neutral. My parents asked my ex inlaws to help host it so it was not only neutral, but equally supported by both sets of grandparents. In the end, almost everyone came, except for my ex himself (and his new wife and stepdaughter) and his youngest sister, who also boycotted. But those of us who were there had a really good time, it was really nice to catch up, and she had the day that she really wanted. It wasn't about how I felt or my ex, or anyone else, except for her. I think it is hugely to the benefit of kids if some of those things can be shared; though in so many cases it's awkward to downright ugly. And having a clear discussion before hand so the kids know it is for the sake of the activity; and not any "precursor to new togetherness" will help avoid any misunderstandings or falsely raised hopes. But it IS about the kids. Aren't they worth it?

moonbeamlover

Joined: 10/26/2009

Msg: 56 (view)

Opinions and Honesty wanted!!!! Posted: 10/29/2009 1:00:34 PM
You know I understand that but the point of the matter is I am not the one contacting him he is contacting me.. So I think that yes it is going in circular motion, but I don't understand why you think that it is me moving that way.. Well, you said in the beginning you thought it was fine. Then he "disappeared and stopped answering his phone". He went away; moved in with someone else. You I'm assuming picked up the pieces. He started contacting you again. Said he wanted you. Said he wanted to "make it work". You not only involved yourself with him after all this time based on this; you involved your kids and his kids. Then he again "disappeared and stopped answering his phone" His kids and your kids are now confused. You are confused. Then he contacts you and says he wants to "make it work". You not only involved yourself with him after all this time based on this; you involved your kids and his kids. Then he again "disappeared and stopped answering his phone". His kids and your kids are now confused. You are confused. Than he contacts you and says he wants to "make it work". You not only involved yourself with him after all this time based on his, you involved his kids and your kids... and so on, and so on... do you see how this entire cycle CAN'T continue without your not only approval, but your participation? He snaps? You come running, with your kids. You have no control, you can only react when he allows you to interact with him at all. When he disappears you have no voice, no rights, no say. Is this truly what you think not only you deserve, but what you want your kids to see in healthy adult interaction? if not, the only one who can apparently stop this, is you. Because as long as you continue the cycle? You are indeed the one moving it that way. Forever circular, with zero chance of a happy permanent ending. Too much history, too much disfunction that always repeats; and he alone has control of the trigger.

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