Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!! chat & forums.

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Thread: Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!

fecknows

Joined: 4/21/2006

Msg: 522 (view)

Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!! Posted: 10/1/2006 4:02:58 AM
Q: 'What do you call a black man flying a plane?' A: A Pilot you racist !!!

fecknows

Joined: 4/21/2006

Msg: 521 (view)

Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!! Posted: 10/1/2006 4:01:47 AM
A young man walks into a bar and orders a bottle of whiskey, and then proceeds to drink 7 shots one after the other, Barman: 'Everything ok son?...you celebrating?' Young Man: 'Yeah, sort of...just had my first BJ' Barman: 'Congratulations son, well done' Young Man: 'Thanks...but i think I need something stronger as i can still taste it!!'

fecknows

Joined: 4/21/2006

Msg: 13 (view)

Do your worst.... Posted: 10/1/2006 2:44:43 AM
New pics posted..and thanks for the reviews

fecknows

Joined: 4/21/2006

Msg: 9 (view)

Do your worst.... Posted: 9/27/2006 3:17:22 PM
but...but...but....i'm sick of being treated as an object.. I want a woman to appreciate me for me!!... erm... sod that i'm getting my kit off for the next pic woohooo

fecknows

Joined: 4/21/2006

Msg: 18 (view)

is techno/trance/dance dead? Posted: 9/27/2006 3:04:58 PM
R.I.P. you techno techno beep beep repetitive sound

fecknows

Joined: 4/21/2006

Msg: 20 (view)

There's no better feeling than... Posted: 9/27/2006 2:33:45 PM
waking in the morning and realising the gorgeous woman you pulled the night before is still gorgeous and hasn't been swapped for another by the beer goggle fairy.

fecknows

Joined: 4/21/2006

Msg: 31 (view)

can you tell a lot about a man by the type car he drives? Posted: 9/27/2006 2:04:15 PM
the only thing you'd learn about me from my car is that my insurance company think im a c*nt

fecknows

Joined: 4/21/2006

Msg: 7 (view)

Do your worst.... Posted: 9/27/2006 1:29:34 PM
Thanks Shirley , so thats 3 out of 3 who say good things about my profile...so how come my inbox is empty?... and I appear on 1 members favourite list (some girl I've never spoke to or seen before!)...and yes i've made the first move by emiling other members but don't seem to get any replies!!. So i'm now at a loss as to why?? Maybe I just don't appeal to the women in my local area of the UK,??? ....I may just have to start looking further afield where I can be appreciated. Thanks again for your critique...much appreciated

fecknows

Joined: 4/21/2006

Msg: 2 (view)

Caught in the Bathroom!!!!!!!! Posted: 9/27/2006 12:26:05 PM
how old we talking scotlas??... Under 16? - Run and hide cos the police will be knocking 16 - 19 - Feel like a dirty old man for a month and apologise to her profusely. Above 19 - She meant for me to see her... offer to soap her back

fecknows

Joined: 4/21/2006

Msg: 3 (view)

Datefolder scam Posted: 9/27/2006 12:23:23 PM
thats obscene!!!.... now why didn't i think of it??

fecknows

Joined: 4/21/2006

Msg: 67 (view)

Baby dies after Rottweiler attack Posted: 9/27/2006 12:21:15 PM
The voices of reason are piling up

fecknows

Joined: 4/21/2006

Msg: 16 (view)

Government funds Posted: 9/27/2006 12:16:57 PM
rainmake ref last post Yes I know Catterick is the largest army camp in Europe (my brother lives there), but this program wasn't concentrating on Catterick...it was concentrating on Gateshead and Newcastle. Kohana, I apologise if my previous posts offended you I never meant you personally. All i was trying to say was that the whole system is a shambles, it must be if you can have someone 'earning' £48,000 per year on benefits as that harridan off Wife Swap Lizzie Bardsley was able to. That is an affront to everyone who pays in. However I hear what you are saying about how you have paid into the system for 32 years and you are entitled to it..fair play. However if everything i've read is true by the time i come to retire all the money which I'VE paid in will be worth nothing and I won't even get a pension till I'm 68 ..for what it will be worth. Now considering i'm paying in more than £28,000 p.a through deductions...and I don't have any kids to put through the education system, never use the NHS as i'm a typical male and don't like doctors (have Private insurance through work so wouldn't have to in any respect)..so what the hell do I get out of it????.... apart from seeing all my hard earned getting pished up the wall by different government departments who dole it out as if its going out of fashion. Like I said I'm not having a go at you personally, but we do have a responsibilty to provide for ourselves and stand on our own 2 feet... I've made provisions in case i lost my job did you?

fecknows

Joined: 4/21/2006

Msg: 44 (view)

Do real men moisturise? Posted: 9/27/2006 11:56:51 AM
It's just one step away from getting highlights in your hair or god forbid extensions!!!.... I worry where we are going I really do

fecknows

Joined: 4/21/2006

Msg: 8 (view)

Ironing and Cleaning Services Posted: 9/27/2006 10:56:50 AM
Each to their own....i like to free my time up and if i can why not?... ..it isn't lazy..its better utilising my strengths and acknowledging my weaknesses

fecknows

Joined: 4/21/2006

Msg: 3 (view)

There's no better feeling than... Posted: 9/27/2006 10:54:40 AM
having my head massaged... sends me to sleep everytime

fecknows

Joined: 4/21/2006

Msg: 2 (view)

Old people Posted: 9/27/2006 10:37:51 AM
I once saw an old lady trip in the street and her bags of shopping went everywhere...it was only after I stopped laughing that i helped her to her feet and gathered all her fruit and veg together which had rolled into the road... ...it was just unfortunate but i have an inbuilt thing that just finds the sight of people falling over funny.... ..was this a mean thing to do?

fecknows

Joined: 4/21/2006

Msg: 3 (view)

Ironing and Cleaning Services Posted: 9/27/2006 10:33:08 AM
I've got better and more enjoyable ways of spending my time..not a crime is it?

fecknows

Joined: 4/21/2006

Msg: 12 (view)

Government funds Posted: 9/27/2006 10:29:55 AM
[Infact, I feel we do not pay enough taxes! ] Maybe you dont..but I do !!!.. Tell you what you pay my tax bill and I'll pay yours...then we'll see if you are so magnanimous about it..... I object to so much being taken off me and then feeling like i should be made to feel grateful for it , or even guilty because I object to it by people like you. This is MY money they are wasting, and I have every right to complain about the amount they take off me I'm more than happy for you to pay mine if you feel you aren't contributing enough.

fecknows

Joined: 4/21/2006

Msg: 9 (view)

Government funds Posted: 9/27/2006 10:19:00 AM
I saw a documentary recently on the rise in the number of public sector workers since Tony and his cronies came in. They highlighted the North East, where 7 out of 10 new jobs created was in the public sector...just to put that in persepective it stated that in the height of communism in Warsaw only 3 in 10 people worked for the state....in parts of the North East the figure is nearing 5 out 10 !!!.. No wonder the government keep trying to find more and more ways to tax us, thats a hell of a lot of people to pay for. All of them trying to justify their positions by making more and more laws, thus devising new ways to fine us if we infringe them....and so the cycle goes on. It infuriates the life out of me

fecknows

Joined: 4/21/2006

Msg: 1 (view)

Ironing and Cleaning Services Posted: 9/27/2006 10:12:07 AM
As a single man who doesn't 'do' domestic, I've taken on a cleaner to come to clean my house once a week, and also a washing and ironing service who come once a week, pick up my dirty laundry and return it back the next day washed/ironed and hung up. What a godsend. Am I the only single man on here who does this?

fecknows

Joined: 4/21/2006

Msg: 6 (view)

Government funds Posted: 9/27/2006 10:00:10 AM
You are either a sponger or a civil servant buzz887... then again..one and the same. Just adding you to my book, for when the revolution comes

fecknows

Joined: 4/21/2006

Msg: 4 (view)

Government funds Posted: 9/27/2006 9:50:07 AM
I'd scrap the entire benefit system and I'd privatise the health service ...that way you only pay for what you use, and I don't feel robbed when i see how much money they take off me every month to hand over to dropouts, freeloaders and wasters. Everyone of us has our own PERSONAL responsibilities for our OWN lives, and all this talk of I never had the opportunites of others...its not my fault i'm in this situation doesn't wash. I was born on a council estate in manchester, and have worked my way out..if i can do it..so can everyone else who has to start at the bottom. Education is free for all in this country ...if you chose to not take advantage of that then why should I be penalised by having to pay 40% tax to keep you and yours? Stand on your own 2 feet, show a bit of backbone and stop expecting the rest to provide a living for you so you can sit on your ar*e all day and whinge about your situation.... I understand that a lot of people are 'disabled' and yeah i'd scrap that benefit too, both my parents are disabled and i'd gladly hand over the money the state takes off me to give to them..but that would be my choice. Every government department is wasteful and the amount of money that goes down the drain every year is appalling. Civil servants are in jobs for life and that annoys me with their gold plated pension provisions...whilst the rest of us in the private sector have no such guarantees... It all stinks the lot of it...come the revolution the entire lot will be up against the wall !!! ...touchy subject as you can tell

fecknows

Joined: 4/21/2006

Msg: 5 (view)

Do your worst.... Posted: 9/27/2006 8:41:53 AM
Well I must be doing something right as thats 2 good review so far!!...thanks for that danielle82 Now all I need to do is find someone like either of you 2 who doesnt live on the other side of the world and I'm laughing

fecknows

Joined: 4/21/2006

Msg: 63 (view)

Baby dies after Rottweiler attack Posted: 9/27/2006 8:07:22 AM
I've owned this breed of dog and not once have any of mine EVER so much as nipped anyone. They have all been loving, loyal and great family pets. It's not the dogs fault its the owners at fault. As for banning them ..get a life. Anything that makes the papers like this and suddenly theres mass hysteria and an outcry. Yes its tragic whats happened but in each and every case you can point the fingers at the owners...or even the parents of the kids involved to some extent, but the dog is an animal plain and simple. This country has gone mad since Labour got in with banning this and banning that.....If you want to go down the road of banning things why not start with weapons of war as they've killed more people than anything....or indeed cholera ..go fight to eradicate that... There are millions killed worldwide in all sorts of tragic circumstances, but to just jump on the bandwagon without putting things in perspective shows a lack of intelligence in my book. Again, I dont disagree that these are indeed tragic events, but to try and advocate a blanket ban is excessive and not proportional to the threat posed.

fecknows

Joined: 4/21/2006

Msg: 32 (view)

testimonails Posted: 9/27/2006 7:38:58 AM
Jealousy??...yer havin a giraffe!!! I dont need anyone to vouch for me...i can do that on my own. Loved the Norman gag though.....but way off the mark ..and no it aint Kevin either

fecknows

Joined: 4/21/2006

Msg: 3 (view)

Do your worst.... Posted: 9/27/2006 6:55:13 AM
Thanks for that SomethingforKate, that has seriously made my day with your glowing reference I'll have to look through my pics and try and find a clearer one as you suggest, but damn that wasn't as hard as I thought it was going to be. Thanks V. Much x

fecknows

Joined: 4/21/2006

Msg: 70 (view)

if you witnessed an assault would you intervene? Posted: 9/27/2006 6:46:49 AM
Was driving home late at night and was waiting at some traffic lights and saw a man punch a woman in the face and then start draggin her down the street. I just got out, ran straight over to him and lamped him one...he ran off. I then turned round to check on her and she jumped up and started having a go at me trying to scratch my eyes out for hitting her boyfriend!!... ..can't win sometimes

fecknows

Joined: 4/21/2006

Msg: 6 (view)

Do You Think You Could Attack A Rottweiler. Posted: 9/27/2006 6:40:26 AM
grab it by the back of its collar with one hand...and then grab hold of its stumpy tail and yank it upwards as hard as i could with my other hand. All bull terrier breeds or derivatives lock their jaws when they clamp on and will not let go..this is the only way to get them to unlock their jaws. ...then hold it and wrestle it until someone else came with a big stick to batter it with Had to do this years ago with a Staffordshire Bull Terrier...then the bastid turned on me so had no choice but to pull its front legs apart, breaking its ribcage and killing it instantly.... shook me up for days but at least the little boy it was attacking got away with it.

fecknows

Joined: 4/21/2006

Msg: 1 (view)

Do your worst.... Posted: 9/27/2006 5:14:53 AM
Ok, tell me what you think...how could i improve it?...good points..bad points....i want your opinions

fecknows

Joined: 4/21/2006

Msg: 27 (view)

testimonails Posted: 9/27/2006 5:04:51 AM
Haven't got a single one...then again who cares?....i wouldnt ask someone out because their friends told me how great they were...seems a bit schoolyard to me ...and everytime i see a womans profile with loads my first thought is ...'Oh...shes been around'...

fecknows

Joined: 4/21/2006

Msg: 15 (view)

Heres a question for you. Posted: 9/27/2006 4:54:40 AM
I spent 10 years as a naval officer and always said when i finished with it, that i'd put an boat oar over my shoulder and start walking...and the first place i got to where someone asked, 'What's that over your shoulder?' i'd buy a house!!. So nope..not me..im not that sad

fecknows

Joined: 4/21/2006

Msg: 5 (view)

Woman Blinded in Acid Attack by Ex Posted: 9/27/2006 4:47:50 AM
Shame.... i'm not condoning this but thought if any party would've done this it would've been the HUSBAND..not the boyfriend. Mad mad world we live in

fecknows

Joined: 4/21/2006

Msg: 24 (view)

Travel and mistakes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Posted: 9/27/2006 3:06:46 AM
I'd go back to that fateful day when it was raining...i was driving my one week old Lotus...and i came across a tight bend.... *sniff....still cuts me up that

fecknows

Joined: 4/21/2006

Msg: 9 (view)

do you really regret Posted: 9/27/2006 3:04:15 AM
I don't regret anything.....then again thats probably the medication i'm on now speaking

fecknows

Joined: 4/21/2006

Msg: 3 (view)

a changed you.. by cosmetic surgery. Posted: 9/27/2006 2:53:12 AM
Boy bounty you are well down that slippery road already of neurosis.... ... as i'm sure you are well aware there is nothing more attractive than a woman confident in her own skin and appearance...the same goes for men. Let the 'Bride of Wildenstein' be a warning to you of how these things are just mad!. You are what you are, grow to like yourself, faults and all and others will too.

fecknows

Joined: 4/21/2006

Msg: 33 (view)

Do real men moisturise? Posted: 9/27/2006 2:48:41 AM
You are all mad i tell you !! Theres something seriously lacking in a mans life if he has to bother himself with moisturisers ... personally i'm happy in my own skin and with my appearance....and any man who indulges in this kind of thing without a medical reason is being suckered by the cosmetics industry and the media. I read recently that the 'Male body image' is the next big time bomb waiting to explode..wtf???...as apparently men are now becoming so self conscious of the images in magazines of male models with six packs and perfect features... ...if any man wants to go down that well trodden neurotic road, walked by virtually every woman in the western world then good luck to them...i for one say no to the idiocy of it all. Every woman i've spoke to on the subject will say that its about time men started a 'beauty regime' like we have to !.... but then the reality of it all sets in...when the man in your life starts taking longer to get ready than you do. Think about what you are doing fella's ...its effeminite and gay

fecknows

Joined: 4/21/2006

Msg: 18 (view)

Do real men moisturise? Posted: 9/26/2006 6:44:27 PM
Still not buying it....face creams et al are the preserve of neurotics trying to cling onto something that at the end of the day has no importance whatsoever..... Ageing is complusory...growing up isn't

fecknows

Joined: 4/21/2006

Msg: 14 (view)

Do real men moisturise? Posted: 9/26/2006 6:33:38 PM
Who said anything about flaky skin??... if i had a flaky face i'd be blaming LA for infecting my pores when she pushed my head down there !! It just strikes me as having too much vanity and insecurities bootie... real men KNOW theres nothing wrong with the way they look.

fecknows

Joined: 4/21/2006

Msg: 33 (view)

ORGASMS Posted: 9/26/2006 6:26:27 PM
Thanks for the advice bootie... ...so i'm assuming that since you didn't include 'f*ck me i'm a god' in your list thats a no no then

fecknows

Joined: 4/21/2006

Msg: 31 (view)

ORGASMS Posted: 9/26/2006 6:04:49 PM
most men say the wrong thing at the wrong time..so we just learn from experience and keep schtumm

fecknows

Joined: 4/21/2006

Msg: 9 (view)

Do real men moisturise? Posted: 9/26/2006 6:03:01 PM
Today it's Nivea LA ...tomorrow it'll be drinking Chocca Mocca Latte Frappe's ..whilst wearing a pair of leather trousers with a convenient buttoned flap on the rear !

fecknows

Joined: 4/21/2006

Msg: 6 (view)

Do real men moisturise? Posted: 9/26/2006 5:46:01 PM
^^^ agree totally

fecknows

Joined: 4/21/2006

Msg: 1 (view)

Do real men moisturise? Posted: 9/26/2006 5:25:24 PM
I've just been round to one of my mates and it seems he's gone all metrosexual on me. He has suddenly got a cabinet full of creams and lotions, and he reckoned that i should be using more than soap and water as my pores will clog and my face will fall off or something like that. Anyway i told him where to stick the thought (no doubt he had a cream to aid its passage)....but what do the women out there think? Am I right in thinking that as long as a man showers regularly, shaves when the stubble starts to get too long and has a decent deodorant then i'm ok? It just seems a bit gay to me for a man to putting potions and lotions on his face...i mean its taken me years to get these laughter lines and the lived in look, but maybe i'm wrong ....so what are your views?

fecknows

Joined: 4/21/2006

Msg: 29 (view)

Is the story of your life already written? Posted: 9/26/2006 4:51:58 PM
Not sure if my life is already written, but found out an odd coincidence, where life seems to repeat itself. Every single one of my ancestors going back as far back as I can gather with the same forename as me (surname obviously the same), has been unlucky in love, and has either died young or in a freakish accident.... ...the unlucky in love bit i can relate to...and ive got my fingers and toes crossed that history doesn't repeat itself regarding the latter!!

fecknows

Joined: 4/21/2006

Msg: 32 (view)

Your Perfect Partner Posted: 9/26/2006 4:40:48 PM
1. Integrity 2. Intelligence 3. Easy Smile 4. Grounded 5. Gorgeous ar*e can't have all five personality based...ya need something to fondle whilst you are chatting!

fecknows

Joined: 4/21/2006

Msg: 21 (view)

Are you Nuts......... Posted: 9/26/2006 4:37:31 PM
Wibble wibble i'm a teapot .....

fecknows

Joined: 4/21/2006

Msg: 13 (view)

how long would you wait Posted: 9/25/2006 2:45:31 PM
You sure they are a friend of yours??.... sounds like they might be trying to tell you something

fecknows

Joined: 4/21/2006

Msg: 48 (view)

Being single Posted: 9/25/2006 2:03:18 PM
BEST: Can plot world domination in peace with no distractions WORST: Not having a henchman around to do the dirty work

fecknows

Joined: 4/21/2006

Msg: 29 (view)

Credit cards, loans and debt Posted: 9/25/2006 1:19:37 PM
If I found myself in this situation i'd probably offer practical help and offer support. Would I clear the debt for her?...hell no!. You never learn things by getting bailed out. If I was to do that and wanted to continue with the relationship, i'd then be concerned that she had no financial grounding and may end up doing it again, expecting me to bail her out once more. Then again I wouldn't get myself involved in a situation like that, as I wouldn't be interested in a woman who buried her head in the sand and hoped it would all go away...not exactly the clever thing to do is it?

fecknows

Joined: 4/21/2006

Msg: 214 (view)

Brutal & honest profile reviews here:no crying Posted: 9/24/2006 5:17:12 AM
Only doing this cos i know a lot of aussies and they tend to say it as it is....so do your worst goddess 01 ...tell me how it is

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