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drumsafrican

Joined: 5/6/2006

Msg: 311 (view)

Let's get naked Posted: 11/1/2009 1:04:50 PM
I don't think you are asking a question. You are reflecting a discomfort you have about yourself! Otherwise, you wouldn't need to "ask" the question. Obviously, everyone is different in terms of how he/she approaches a sexual relationship. Why not openly discuss your fears with your friends and get some feedback from them about how you present yourself. Judith

drumsafrican

Joined: 5/6/2006

Msg: 784 (view)

Why are women over 40 so desperate to get married? Posted: 11/1/2009 1:03:11 PM
If someone keeps drawing the same kinds of experiences to oneself, it has something to do with what you are transmitting to others. Perhaps you need to look at how you set up these negative experiences. There must have been all kinds of red flags which you disregarded. The change needs to be inside you, in developing your own awareness of how you set up romantic relationships. A psychotherapist may be of assistance to you in this regard. Judith

drumsafrican

Joined: 5/6/2006

Msg: 859 (view)

Why Are Over 45 Men In Love With Motorcycles? Posted: 11/1/2009 1:01:06 PM
Please stop making extreme generalizations about people! Every person is an individual. When you approach life with such a negative generalization about any group of people, you set yourself up to see the world through very negative eyes. Perhaps the header is your experience, but remember that we draw experiences to us, depending on the energy or vibrations we put out into the world or to others. Judith

drumsafrican

Joined: 5/6/2006

Msg: 107 (view)

I find this site disheartening.... Posted: 11/1/2009 12:48:33 PM
Do you actively read all the profiles and reach out to others? If not, then you are waiting for others to make your life more interesting, instead of extending yourself to others to make the first move, so to speak. Perhaps your expectations of this website need revising. Eastern philosophy teaches that if one has strong expectations, one is likely to be sad and disappointed. Just treat each new experience as an opportunity to learn something about the world, and you won't be so disappointed if a date doesn't turn into a romance. Perhaps this veiled sadness is turning off other people? Not sure. Judith

drumsafrican

Joined: 5/6/2006

Msg: 496 (view)

Why do men do the diappearing act? Posted: 11/1/2009 12:46:04 PM
I think that, as in all generalizations, this is a dangerous comment to make. If the original poster here has the belief system that all men are the same (in some negative way), she will draw that negative type of men to her. She is making a self-fulfilling prophecy. Beware of generalizations. If someone was a particular race and you said everyone of that race was the same, you would rightly be accused of racist beliefs. Treat people as individuals, each one unique and different, and you will get a more positive response from others. Judith

drumsafrican

Joined: 5/6/2006

Msg: 43 (view)

Successful Coffee Dates? Posted: 11/1/2009 12:39:36 PM
Perhaps you elicit a lot of anger because that's what you put out. The way you expressed your opinion on this reveals that if someone doesn't think exactly what you do, you resort to swearing and labelling the person. A pretty negative place to be, in my opinion. Judith

drumsafrican

Joined: 5/6/2006

Msg: 80 (view)

Don't drop that soap Posted: 10/4/2009 3:02:50 PM
Why would you want to start dating someone when you know that person has serious problems? It seems to me that women who do that have poor self-esteem and feel that they have to date a man with limited options, in order to accepted by a man. Better to work on your self-confidence with a therapist than stoop to this dangerous action. Judith

drumsafrican

Joined: 5/6/2006

Msg: 215 (view)

How much money does a man need to make to keep you interested in him? Posted: 10/1/2009 7:58:56 PM
Why are you asking that? If someone chronically make a living, that says something about his depression or other emotional problems, rather than just the money. Is that why you're asking? Judith

drumsafrican

Joined: 5/6/2006

Msg: 35 (view)

SOS Posted: 8/28/2009 4:05:22 AM
I think that it is unrealistic for you to believe that she is "a beloved friend" when you have never met her in person. You may find that if you met in person, you would not be that comfortable with each other. If you are a spiritual person, here is an interpretation of what occurred. It may be that it is not your destiny to continue a relationship with this person. If she wishes to pursue the relationship with you, she will contact you. Judith

drumsafrican

Joined: 5/6/2006

Msg: 34 (view)

Not looking to be just friends Posted: 8/28/2009 4:03:13 AM
You will continue to be uncomfortable if you try to be friends with her but are still attracted to her romantically. If you keep doing this kind of thing, it is a pattern which you are establishing in your life and it is your responsibility to learn how to meet your own needs. Any destructive behaviour pattern needs to be broken. If it keeps occurring, perhaps it's time to explore this with a therapist. Judith

drumsafrican

Joined: 5/6/2006

Msg: 59 (view)

What do you do in this situation.. Curious what people think Posted: 8/28/2009 4:01:25 AM
Her behaviour was extremely inconsiderate. I would have offered to pay you for the food you bought and did not use. I don't think she's interested in you. Judith

drumsafrican

Joined: 5/6/2006

Msg: 235 (view)

Is this enough to ditch her? Posted: 8/28/2009 3:59:54 AM
I would do some heavy thinking about this relationship. Sometimes, this attitude is covering up a fear of intimacy or sexual problems yet at others, someone has a strong value system about not having sex before marriage. I am betting it's the former. Four years is a long time to be in a relationship without having a sexual contact. I personally would never marry someone unless I had experienced what someone was like sexually many times, because you don't know what you're getting! I am guessing that she has extreme fears of intimacy and sexuality. Since your needs are not being met, end the relationship! I doubt you would have these problems with other women in today's world. The other issue to explore is that perhaps, at some unconscious level, you're comfortable with this setup. That would be an issue to explore with a therapist. Judith

drumsafrican

Joined: 5/6/2006

Msg: 161 (view)

Just For Fun - Top 3 What Not To Do On A 1st Date Posted: 8/28/2009 3:56:46 AM
I don't agree that #2 would turn off someone. In fact, I would be impressed that a man was caring, and assisted family members who had an emergency. Judith

drumsafrican

Joined: 5/6/2006

Msg: 104 (view)

What would you think/do if... Posted: 8/28/2009 3:53:21 AM
Doing an action like that is extremely insensitive. I would have serious concerns about a person who did that and would consider ending the relationship. What type of values does this person have, if she thinks appearances and materialism are more important than your feelings? Judith

drumsafrican

Joined: 5/6/2006

Msg: 275 (view)

I think Girls have it a lot easier than Guys when it comes to Love, Dating, Relationships, etc. Posted: 8/28/2009 3:51:58 AM
I think it is important not to make sweeping statements about "all guys" or "all women". Not everyone is the same. It sounds like you are uncomfortable with asserting yourself and that this could be the issue. Not all women are as passive as you make out! Perhaps it's time to work on y9ur self-esteem, so that you feel more comfortable approaching others. A good therapist could assist with that. Judith

drumsafrican

Joined: 5/6/2006

Msg: 82 (view)

What would you guys do? Posted: 8/28/2009 3:48:27 AM
Weight can be a sign of other issues. To be honest, there seems to be something bothering her emotionally. Some people eat when very anxious or depressed. Others don't respect themselves enough to keep fit or eat properly. I do not see you as shallow just because you want to be with a woman who looks after herself. As well, her weight gain may be a sign of underlying fears of closeness, or issues with regard to abuse in her childhood. I think a frank discussion of this would be revealing. I myself would end the relationship if a person did not look after herself. This is a sign of underlying emotional difficulties. (It might assist you to know that I was a psychotherapist for 25 years). Good luck. Judith

drumsafrican

Joined: 5/6/2006

Msg: 48 (view)

I only see my boyfriend once a week Posted: 8/28/2009 3:44:40 AM
What do you do, in order to increase the amount of contact? What else is occurring in this man's life? Does he have children or other commitments? Perhaps you need to have a discussion with him about this issue. It may be one of the items I have mentioned above, but it may also be a fear of intimacy or lack of commitment. It's important for you to state your needs. Since it is only a relationship of three months, maybe he is moving slowly, to ensure you are the right person for him. If this pattern continued for a long time, though, I would surmise that he is not ready for a serious, committed relationship if this is, indeed, what you want. Then you may have to end the relationship. Good luck, Judith

drumsafrican

Joined: 5/6/2006

Msg: 1155 (view)

Why women want guys to come to THEM Posted: 8/28/2009 3:41:36 AM
I think it is a mistake for you, or anyone else, to make assumptions that "all women" want something. This type of generalization is very dangerous and is similar to racism. You may have had this experience in life, but it does not mean that others will have similar experiences. As well, you may be doing something or creating situations where you set up a particular type of situation repeatedly in your life. I don't believe in game-playing in relationships of any type. Directness and honesty are precious gifts and I hope that women continue to develop independence and directness, just as these are valuable in men. Please don't make sweeping generalizations about people. This is no different than racism! Judith

drumsafrican

Joined: 5/6/2006

Msg: 19 (view)

Have you ever met a SexiNazi Posted: 8/9/2009 5:07:41 AM
I find this post very distressing. Having been born into the Jewish faith, I find it very offensive that the word Nazi is used even in a joking way. Please think about what effect your words have on other people. Use of any term with the word "Nazi" in it is an unnecessary cruelty, which reminds others (especially Jewish people) of one of the most heinous massacres in history. Be more sensitive! Judith

drumsafrican

Joined: 5/6/2006

Msg: 25 (view)

My friend who is utterly hopeless. You've got one, too. Posted: 7/16/2009 6:59:45 PM
I think that you need to look at why you work so hard to look after him! He's a grown man, so if he has difficulties forming relationships with women, he can go to a therapist and work this out. The best way to be his friend is stop looking after him and babying him and to discuss with him the need to see a therapist. You need to remove yourself from the caretaking/parenting role! Judith

drumsafrican

Joined: 5/6/2006

Msg: 14 (view)

When A Friend Wants More Then Friendship Posted: 7/16/2009 6:56:21 PM
End the relationship immediately because it will continue to make you uncomfortable. The other person will never be able to stop having those feelings and you will be put into uncomfortable positions. Judith

drumsafrican

Joined: 5/6/2006

Msg: 31 (view)

What do you think of this guy??? Posted: 7/16/2009 6:55:15 PM
He seems quite shallow to me. Notice how all the comments he makes are about liking your looks! Sounds quite immature. I wouldn't date him, if I were you. Sounds like he has some intimacy issues, too. Otherwise, he would have asked to meet you in person. Move on.

drumsafrican

Joined: 5/6/2006

Msg: 46 (view)

Like this Man but not the Jokes he makes Posted: 7/16/2009 6:51:17 PM
I think everyone makes the occasional mistake in what they say to others but if he has a pattern of insensitivity, I wouldn't continue seeing him, if I were you! Judith

drumsafrican

Joined: 5/6/2006

Msg: 171 (view)

Astrology Posted: 7/16/2009 6:43:06 PM
For thousands of years, Vedic astrologers (predating ancient Hinduism) have studied about the relationships between the planets and how this affects personality. I believe in this, totally, and have had a reading done by a famous Vedic astrologer and it was remarkably accurate and gave me insight into my being. If you consulted someone like that, you would discover that certain matches work best between certain astrological signs. For example, I found that I almost always only date men who are either Pisces or Aquarius; (I am Taurus). Hope this helps. Judith

drumsafrican

Joined: 5/6/2006

Msg: 31 (view)

Can you fall in love over the phone? Posted: 7/16/2009 6:37:38 PM
I think that you set up very unrealistic expectations for yourself by participating in this type of relationship. Obviously, if two people on this type of dating system talk a lot for a month and don't meet, there are some issues on both sides about really being interested in developing a relationship. A good policy is to spend perhaps an hour speaking to someone on the phone and then go and meet in person. That will give you information about whether or not you want to get to know someone further. Your way of doing things doesn't work. You proved that.

drumsafrican

Joined: 5/6/2006

Msg: 182 (view)

Why women want guys to come to THEM Posted: 7/16/2009 6:34:44 PM
I think that your need to generalize and assume all women are the same speaks more about your perceptions of your own relationships with women in the past. Perhaps you are doing something negative that is setting up these interactions with women because other men don't have the same perceptions you do.

drumsafrican

Joined: 5/6/2006

Msg: 2 (view)

review please Posted: 7/11/2009 6:02:09 AM
Feedback: 1. Get rid of the picture of yourself half-naked. It makes you look sleazy and shallow and lacking in good taste. 2. One sentence sounds very bitter. Remove it. I think it's near the end of your ad, something like: "I'm not going to join a website..." Makes you sound bitter and angry.

drumsafrican

Joined: 5/6/2006

Msg: 5 (view)

Please help this loser improve his profile. Posted: 7/11/2009 5:58:53 AM
Feedback: You appear to have low self-esteem. Why would you refer to yourself as a "loser"? That will turn people off, right away. 1. correct three spelling mistakes: 1) Title should read: Here goes! 2) friendship is the correct spelling 3) end of ad - There are so many... Also, you say you don't have hobbies but mention your interests. Aren't these the same thing? Give more information about what type of woman you seek, too. Good luck. Judith

drumsafrican

Joined: 5/6/2006

Msg: 67 (view)

I think I have the friends thing figured out. Posted: 7/11/2009 5:49:01 AM
It seems to me that you need to change your approach to relationships with women. Frequently, people meet someone of the opposite sex and that person does not feel a romantic attraction and an honest person tells the other that this is the case. With you, though, it sounds like you don't hear what is being told to you and you continue to involve yourself and harbour unrealistic hopes that the other person's feelings are going to change. This may be an issue to resole in therapy, i.e. your pattern of being attracted and involved with people who don't want you. This may stem from unresolved childhood issues, perhaps. Good luck, Judith

drumsafrican

Joined: 5/6/2006

Msg: 38 (view)

Heels and shorter guys - advice please! Posted: 7/11/2009 5:22:09 AM
Be yourself. Do what makes you comfortable and the right person will like you for who you are. Many men aren't intimidated by a woman slightly taller than they are. My past male friend is only 5 foot 4 inches, though I'm 5 foot 2. When I put on heels, I might be a bit taller than he is, but neither of us care. Short men are used to taller women, so don't make this a big issue. Judith

drumsafrican

Joined: 5/6/2006

Msg: 21 (view)

Tips/ideas for an incredibly shy person? Posted: 7/11/2009 5:19:52 AM
You can't expect an easy "tip" to improve your "shyness". The best thing for you to do is go to see a psychotherapist regularly who will assist you to raise your self-esteem. Once you have a more positive opinion of yourself, your social skills will naturally follow. Judith

drumsafrican

Joined: 5/6/2006

Msg: 6 (view)

Please review my profile Posted: 7/2/2009 8:46:58 PM
Your profile starts immediately with a negative comment! Get rid of that! Also, your photo is somewhat depressing, there is no colour in it and you look somewhat unhappy! Judith

drumsafrican

Joined: 5/6/2006

Msg: 22 (view)

Not sure she was that into me Posted: 7/2/2009 8:39:23 PM
If I'm unsure of how someone is reacting to me, I ask! Or else, I give the person my phone number and say I'd like to see him again and to call me. No call is a message that leads to clarity! Judith

drumsafrican

Joined: 5/6/2006

Msg: 39 (view)

bringing a dog to the first meet Posted: 7/2/2009 8:36:58 PM
I think it would be considerate to ask someone you are meeting if he/she minds your bringing your dog. I have a cat who is a wonderful companion to me and I don't think that I could date someone who hates animals. On the other hand, cats are harder to bring on dates! Judith

drumsafrican

Joined: 5/6/2006

Msg: 243 (view)

STOOD UP by a P.O.F. MEMBER Posted: 7/2/2009 8:35:25 PM
Often, the other person is fearful of connecting. Women have been warned by many people and the media that internet dating can be downright dangerous, e.g. being raped, etc., so many women are frightened!

drumsafrican

Joined: 5/6/2006

Msg: 14 (view)

One day she's day...Next day she's gone...??? Posted: 7/2/2009 8:34:10 PM
It seems to me that you are overly insecure about rejection. Rejection is a normal part of dating. Often, people see a new person a few times and then realize they don't want to pursue the relationship. It doesn't necessarily mean that there is something wrong with you, just that the two of you are too different or don't have the same values. I think that your expectations of starting a relationship (after a handful of dates) are something you need to look at. Relationships take a lot of time and effort. You don't decide to go into a romance after a few dates, but need to take time to get to know someone's values, lifestyle, etc.

drumsafrican

Joined: 5/6/2006

Msg: 21 (view)

whats his problem???? Posted: 7/2/2009 8:31:17 PM
Are you telling me that you have known this man for one month and want him to meet your children? If so, then you need to look at why you are so needy to rush into a romantic relationship with someone you hardly know! What model are you giving your children? You hardly know this man and I would react just like he is doing.

drumsafrican

Joined: 5/6/2006

Msg: 30 (view)

Am I being to harsh? Divorced vs. Separated Posted: 7/2/2009 8:26:52 PM
I don't think that someone who is separated for 5 months is ready for a relationship, so maybe he lied because, at some level, he knows others will perceive of him as unavailable and he is desperate to get into some type of romance. I agree that lying breaks any relationship.

drumsafrican

Joined: 5/6/2006

Msg: 15 (view)

Dating hearing impaired guy Posted: 7/2/2009 8:23:39 PM
Just be yourself and enjoy your life. The right person will come along. I dated a man with a severe hearing impairment for a while but broke up with him. The reason had nothing to do with his hearing but rather his poor self-esteem and neediness. Someone open-minded will realize you are a nice person and will adapt to your hearing problem. Judith

drumsafrican

Joined: 5/6/2006

Msg: 41 (view)

How to impress a girl. Posted: 7/2/2009 8:17:12 PM
I didn't find your points at all funny! Rather, I wonder if there is some anger behind them! J.

drumsafrican

Joined: 5/6/2006

Msg: 300 (view)

Does a man with a complicated personality threaten a woman's ego? Posted: 7/2/2009 8:14:51 PM
I think that you may need to have some self-examination, perhaps with assistance from friends or a therapist. Are you driving people off with something negative in you, or are you genuinely a unique person. If it is the latter (which I understand, because I'm very different, too), then the right people will come into your life based on activities you pursue which you feel are central to your identity.

drumsafrican

Joined: 5/6/2006

Msg: 43 (view)

artistic creativity and compatibility Posted: 7/2/2009 8:12:25 PM
I am of two minds about the question you asked. Having dated several musicians (though I am a part-time musician myself, more as a hobby), I think that someone needs to understand the psyche of a musician or artist and their need to create, which is like their lifeblood! On the other hand, sometimes a water sign like Pisces (often the astrological sign of artistic people) often is balanced out by an earth sign who is more pragmatic and organized. Every couple is different so I think that each couple works at finding a balance, without losing one's individuality. Judith

drumsafrican

Joined: 5/6/2006

Msg: 295 (view)

Decent guys: are they all either taken or gay? Posted: 7/2/2009 8:09:28 PM
Your bitterness towards others is preventing you from meeting nice people! Referring to people with swear words shows you have a lot of anger which is being transmitted to other people without your realizing it. Time to work on yourself and your attitude towards life!

drumsafrican

Joined: 5/6/2006

Msg: 18 (view)

Man or Woman planning dates and who should initiate? Posted: 6/7/2009 4:23:30 AM
I don't think many modern, independent women would want a man to "take control". To me, this indicates lack of confidence. I am a grown woman with ideas of my own, and I want to be consulted about activities in which I might be involved, not just told what to do. A man did this once on a date, and I was totally turned off and never wanted to see him again. I think that most modern women would want some say in a date, not just something being arranged and you tell her! Judith

drumsafrican

Joined: 5/6/2006

Msg: 308 (view)

How do you tell your Lover they suck in bed? Posted: 3/25/2009 3:54:36 AM
I find that the way you discuss this, i.e. the wording, very insulting. Perhaps the way you are approaching the discussion with your partner is part of the problem. In most relationships, there needs to be some subtle and non-judgmental communication about one's likes and dislikes. That is part of learning about a new romantic partner. If you let your partner know what you like, rather than being angry and judgmental, perhaps you will find that there is an improvement in your sexual relationship. If you feel that this is not working, perhaps you could consider sexual therapy in order to improve your sexual relationship. Judith

drumsafrican

Joined: 5/6/2006

Msg: 105 (view)

Are all men only looking for Sex Posted: 3/25/2009 3:52:22 AM
Don't date the men who approach you with this lack of respect. Maybe, if you keep getting these responses, you are doing something which invites this! Judith

drumsafrican

Joined: 5/6/2006

Msg: 40 (view)

a guy not being able to get off Posted: 3/25/2009 3:50:03 AM
It may be an intimacy issue or someone who has a background of sexual abuse or extreme control by a mother figure in his background. Judith

drumsafrican

Joined: 5/6/2006

Msg: 170 (view)

Masturbation=cheating Posted: 3/25/2009 3:47:22 AM
My view is that it is completely normal for people to masturbate occasionally if their partner is not available. If your sister is telling you that she is "never in the mood for sex" then she obviously has discomfort with sexuality in general. It follows that she would also feel uncomfortable with the idea of someone masturbating, because that is a sign that someone is in touch with his/her sexuality. Judith

drumsafrican

Joined: 5/6/2006

Msg: 47 (view)

Light choking during sex....anyone? Posted: 3/25/2009 3:43:41 AM
This is an extremely dangerous practice! Why would you want to risk your life or his? There are a few people who have accidently killed someone with this type of sexual practice. Do you want to be dead? Or end up in jail for murder? Judith

drumsafrican

Joined: 5/6/2006

Msg: 693 (view)

Are there ANY women who don't CHEAT? Posted: 3/25/2009 3:38:34 AM
The common element to all your negative relationship experiences is you. I would recommend you go for some individual counselling in order to understand how you set up or choose these relationships with people who can't be trusted. This is an issue you are setting up. You can't just blame "all women"! Judith

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