I honestly believe supernatural forces are keeping me alone. chat & forums.

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mysteriosa

Joined: 5/19/2006

Msg: 4 (view)

I honestly believe supernatural forces are keeping me alone. Posted: 11/22/2009 11:25:47 AM
For what it's worth, some straight men are like this - no sensitivity or consideration. Not all, of course, but enough to have plenty of women complaining that he loved them and left them and never bothered to get in contact again. Maybe what you are experiencing is just typical of a certain kind of personality and nothing to do with you. It sounds like you should be looking for a different kind of gay man, one who does want a relationship and is sensitive and caring. Perhaps you should ask yourself how you would recognise someone like that if you met them? What sort of qualities would they have? Maybe they'd ask about you, not just talk about themselves, for example. Perhaps you are interested by more dominant men who later turn out to be uncaring too. Yes, I think you are probably going for the wrong type of man and need to learn to recognise the ones who are looking for more, like you.

mysteriosa

Joined: 5/19/2006

Msg: 24 (view)

help me indentify this relationship. Time to move on? Posted: 11/22/2009 11:19:24 AM
If she is going through lots of stresses in her personal life, then that's one thing. You should remember though that you are not the cause of her work stress or otherwise, yet she's trying to make you feel responsible. I think you're right, she doesn't know what she wants from you. She probably won't know when she gets it either. It's going to be nothing but hard work and turmoil for you and you deserve better than that.

mysteriosa

Joined: 5/19/2006

Msg: 4 (view)

What do I make of this? Posted: 11/21/2009 7:53:23 PM
Strangely enough, I've just responded to a posting where I've suggested that the poster avoid putting pressure on women by sending contact details too soon. Now I read your message and feel just the opposite. You have been very patient and understanding. There nothing wrong with that, but if you want a relationship with this woman then you need to meet. This means putting a bit of pressure on her until you get that conclusion. She has left it a long time, so she needs to get over her issues or at least have the decency to tell you she's never going to meet you. If she just wants to be a friend and nothing more, then it's time she said so. I think it's great that you are understanding but part of caring for someone is helping them to realise they can't continue like that. If she's still scared of you, then why? She needs to see a counsellor or something to help herself. It's just not fair on you to keep you at bay all this time without any light at the end of the tunnel. I suspect many on here will tell you to give up on her. They may be right. Also, she may not be the person she has portrayed herself as. She may be attached or in a relationship and just playing around online. Whatever, the situation, I hope it gets resolved for you soon.

mysteriosa

Joined: 5/19/2006

Msg: 17 (view)

Signs of Testing Posted: 11/21/2009 7:07:31 PM
You cancelled a date. She accepted your reasons but deep down she may have wondered if you were telling the truth or just playing around. After a cancellation, you'd certainly need to make it clear you were still interested and that you hadn't wanted to cancel. Not texting her is a bad idea at this time. She's probably being a bit cool because she doesn't really know whether you cancelled through lack of interest, another date with someone else, or because of work. I think you need to reassure her that she's the one you are interested in. If that's what you mean by testing, then yes, you do need to prove yourself here. Keep in touch and talk to her. Be pleased to see her. Hopefully, she'll relax as she realises you were genuine.

mysteriosa

Joined: 5/19/2006

Msg: 4 (view)

help me indentify this relationship. Time to move on? Posted: 11/21/2009 10:25:31 AM
How much time does she actually spend with you? Could it be called a relationship based on the time spent? It doesn't sound like it. She sounds very controlling. However hurt she's been, she needs to understand you are not the cause. She is punishing you by getting angry and then withdrawing, leaving you waiting and wondering. How much pleasant time do you get with her and is it worth all this? Disappearing for weeks at a time is just not reasonable. No-one can hope to have a serious relationship with someone who does that. She has not committed to you, maybe because of her fears, maybe not. I would say that unless she does commit to you (and vice versa), she cannot expect to have any say in your social life. Even then, it sounds like she's going to be very jealous and you will have frequent blow-ups. I would ask her if she wants a proper relationship or not. If not, what is holding her back? If you don't get a satisfactory answer, forget about her. She's only going to keep you in perpetual turmoil and that's not normal.

mysteriosa

Joined: 5/19/2006

Msg: 20 (view)

Single Mums/Non-single mums. A mind-change??? Posted: 11/19/2009 9:26:39 PM
You have friends who are single mums but you wouldn't "entertain one in terms of a relationship"? You really have quite an attitude towards single mums. I'm surprised you've managed to keep any as friends. Presumably they don't know about this side of you. When you reach a certain age and haven't got married, you start to find that lots of others have and that they have children. It's just that age group. Having children does cause one to learn a few things - how to cope when exhausted, how to carry on giving when you want to give up really. At times when, as a parent, you are under pressure, you appreciate different qualities in a mate to those that you admired when younger. You still want to be attracted, but kindness, patience and generosity matter more too, and you get better at spotting these qualities in people. It seems your female friends think you have these qualities and they are attracted to you. I'm not sure why you see that as a bad thing. If they've got any sense though they won't get involved with someone who looks down on them and sees them as tarnished in the way you do.

mysteriosa

Joined: 5/19/2006

Msg: 14 (view)

I am heartbroken, women, please tell me what u think Posted: 11/19/2009 8:28:15 PM
Sorry about the way things went. I can understand how hurtful this must be because it looked like she was bringing you into her life and now she's changed her mind. It's strange to see a different man with your children. He is not their father and doesn't behave the same way. It feels odd. Maybe she felt this and decided she couldn't take it further. I think one has to accept that a different person is going to be different with children. As long as they are kind and would not cause them any harm, it's a question of getting used to this. I saw an amazing programme which demonstrated that people make decisions unconsciously before even they become aware of them. She may not know yet what didn't work for her but just sensed it at some level. It's no wonder you feel blind-sided. In a new relationship, there are many new situations and experiences to adjust to. It' s one thing to see how things go if someone is nearby, because then you are not inconveniencing them greatly if things don't work out. It's quite another to keep inviting someone over if you are starting to have doubts. She might have thought it better not to take a chance on wasting your time. I don't really have words of comfort because I know it would hurt like hell to experience such a turnaround. How can anyone make that better? In this kind of situation, understanding what happened really matters, I know. Do you think there were any warning signs, anything that struck you that you dismissed before? I suspect asking you to leave early in the morning was one of them but there may have been others. Sometimes just realising that there were signs is helpful as it gives us hope of avoiding this kind of thing again.

mysteriosa

Joined: 5/19/2006

Msg: 9 (view)

Reasons for not chatting with someone anymore Posted: 11/19/2009 8:10:04 PM
Usually, if I'm going to stop chatting, then I' d say something like I felt we weren't suited. I have stopped chatting on occasions though, for various reasons. Here are some: - too much sexual innuendo too soon, or being crude - he ignored what I put in my profile, e.g. was into hunting, smoked or was married - it was obvious we had nothing in common and he could barely put a sentence together - he was not what he'd seemed initially, e.g. turned into a scammer or pervert - he only talked about himself - he was pushy in a bullying sort of way - he was provocative, trying to get a reaction by making contentious statements - he hardly asked any questions, so I took it he was uninterested - minimalist messages, barely worth writing - talked gibberish

mysteriosa

Joined: 5/19/2006

Msg: 6 (view)

Being committed to the relationship Posted: 11/19/2009 7:18:47 PM
I'm sorry to hear how things turned out, especially as you did your best to make her realise you wanted a commitment. I feel she wasn't making an effort and had actually given up by the time you were trying to get this second commitment. I really think it was doomed before you even tried. Once a person has made a decision subconsciously, there is little chance of shifting it unless you know that's what's happened and can change the reasons. You both had a bottom line for restarting things: for you it was total commitment symbolised by you both leaving dating sites; for her, it seems to have been commitment to more counselling. These bottom lines seem irreconcilable. Why she wanted more counselling when it didn't seem to work last time, I don't know. Maybe she felt there was something about the relationship that you weren't getting and that your insistence on doing the practical things that were suggested wasn't going to resolve that. Counselling involves talking things through: something women seem happier to do than men. Men tend to want to do, rather than talk, and avoid the talking bit - thus giving the impression they don't want to get to the bottom of issues. Could this be a factor? Whatever the true situation, you obviously split up because you couldn't work together on this relationship. Ironically, I think that counselling would help you to work through what happened here as you felt you were doing your best and it's demoralising when that doesn't seem to work.

mysteriosa

Joined: 5/19/2006

Msg: 54 (view)

Broke my rules... and got hurt because of it. Posted: 11/19/2009 6:59:39 PM
Sorry to hear you are being hurt by this. Don't blame yourself for following natural instincts. Besides, although both of you wanted to take it slower, neither of you did. It wasn't just you. Whether there's any truth in the 'ex wants me back' story or not, I wouldn't allow him to be the one making a decision about whether to continue with you or not. I've been there myself and never again! If a man decided to even hint that he had to think things over and would let me know, I wouldn't want to see him again. I just don't like the powerplay in that situation. Either you want to be with someone or you don't, you don't need to go away and think about it, especially if you felt confident enough to have sex with them. He should have exercised some self-disipline if he'd had any doubts. Well, I hope that he's telling the truth, for you, as you really like him. If he isn't, write him off as someone not worthy of you. I've learnt this hard lesson too and now I want to take time to get to know the real person before risking more involvement, that's if I can bear to take that risk again.

mysteriosa

Joined: 5/19/2006

Msg: 10 (view)

If it goes well why do I never get a second date? Posted: 11/18/2009 7:48:24 PM
If you are waiting for her to suggest a second date, she's probably thinking you are not interested in her. That's what I'd assume. I'd wonder if you were just being polite by continuing the date. If he didn't suggest it or follow up with a contact of some kind to confirm he's happy with the way things are going, then the uncertainty would start to get to me and I'd talk myself out of it. I also wonder how far you and your date are planning ahead. If it's only a few days at the most, then it would be pretty difficult for her to forget. If you are planning a fortnight ahead, then she'd have had time to lose interest or blank it out by then. Too far ahead suggests you see it as casual. Most men who are interested would be setting up the next date or checking that they would at least be meeting up at a regular social event in the very near future. Being direct about your interest shows that you have drive and passion, both of which are attractive qualities. By the sound of it, it doesn't look like you're in danger of going to far in that direction.

mysteriosa

Joined: 5/19/2006

Msg: 25 (view)

what is the reason for ... Posted: 11/18/2009 7:12:22 PM
Ironically, I would call it softening up. He's seeing what you will tolerate. He will up the ante (in a manner of speaking) by making more and more intimate suggestions until you either dump him in disgust or satisfy his needs. It does not bode well, unless you are interested in perverts.

mysteriosa

Joined: 5/19/2006

Msg: 17 (view)

Should I continue? Posted: 11/18/2009 6:59:26 PM
It's possible she really does like you a lot but her conscience is pricking her, along the lines of not being yoked to an unbeliever. It sounds like she's being practical about that and letting you know upfront that it's going to be a problem further down the line. If she's studying for the ministry, then she's likely to stick to her guns about it too. She's already made some pretty important life decisions based on her belief. If you did hit it off really well, then it's possible she will fall in love with you if you continue dating but at some point she'd feel a duty to give you up. This would be an awful situation for you and for her. She will likely have half an eye open for an attractive (to her) man who is religious. All these restrictions and let-out clauses don't sound much fun to me. But the odd thing is that she is giving you an ultimatum, which suggests she wants to know where she stands, almost as if she's saying 'I can't see this working out, due to the spiritual incompatibility, but I want to see where it goes and want to be sure that you do too." Is she looking for exclusivity? Maybe you could tactfully find out. If she is, then perhaps you could ask her why she would expect that, when she's telling you that it can't be long term.

mysteriosa

Joined: 5/19/2006

Msg: 13 (view)

My date plans dates with short notice ! Posted: 11/18/2009 6:36:11 PM
If you feel the dates are at the last minute, just don't accept them and do whatever it is you would have done instead. I can understand you like him and may be afraid of losing him, but you are just teaching him that you'll jump when he's ready. He might want you to be flexible and 'spontaneous' like him, but I can bet you that he won't respect you if you are too accommodating. I'd suggest you tell him that if he'd like to meet up, he needs to give you more warning so that you don't plan anything else. He might drop you if he isn't allowed to run things ad hoc, but then what does that say about his intentions? What do you really know about him? If he's travelling long distance, then obviously that's very decent of him and a good sign, but what do you really know about what he's doing when he's not with you? Have you been to his place or met any of his family and friends? Without meeting other people who really do know him and can vouch for him (or not) as the case may be, you can effectively say you only know what he has told you. You are taking him competely at his word. Men who 'play away' don't usually play too near home or they might get found out. They don't usually plan too far ahead either, because they may have to break plans. Yes, I'm suspicious, but there's no harm in seeing someone in context before getting too involved emotionally and physically. He's got a lot of something else going on - could be work, could be things you wouldn't be happy with, could be entirely innocent. I can tell you are not comfortable with this situation though. In all honesty, I feel if you were high on his list of priorities, he would be getting in touch with you sooner and making sure that you're going to be available. After all he's travelling long distance so surely he'd have more need to plan ahead?

mysteriosa

Joined: 5/19/2006

Msg: 26 (view)

A Hypothetical Situation Posted: 11/18/2009 6:00:35 PM
I think he would probably have some regrets because he will realise he's lost you for good. It does sound as though whatever else he'd got going on in his life meant more to him. This is no reflection on you whatsever, but on the kind of man he is. I get the impression from reading profiles that some men are on here to find a part-time, occasional girlfriend who won't encroach on their life. They are not really relationship material; they are missing sex and physical comfort so they look for a woman. Because it's expected, they advertise for a relationship. I don't think they even realise they are not relationship material - it's just normal for them to be self-absorbed or more orientated towards the activities they enjoy so much. I doubt they are even playing around, it's just that relating to women does not matter much to them, in fact they don't really know how to do it. If the woman they are keeping on a string (but at a convenient distance) starts to want more, then they back off with excuses of being too busy or not ready for a relationship. Sounds a bit like you met one of these. I instinctively feel that when a man is very insistent from the start on having his 'own space', that he may be like this. Other men have a more relaxed approach to relationships and are happy to see how they develop; they are not defensive from the start.

mysteriosa

Joined: 5/19/2006

Msg: 20 (view)

Is This a Good Reason For a Husband to Leave? Posted: 11/17/2009 5:32:40 PM
No, I don't think it's a good reason to leave. He wasn't happy having your son there and did his best to get him out. Your son was competing with him for your attention, which I guess he didn't like. Your husband sounds quite controlling to me. Young adults don't always do the right things at the right times. Encouraging them to spread their wings probably works better than hostile pressure. I doubt it was an easy situation all round, but at some level your husband probably feels you chose your son over him. Quite honestly, if that's the way your husband deals with situations, by arguing with you constantly over it and pressuring your son, then it sounds like you chose the best man.

mysteriosa

Joined: 5/19/2006

Msg: 10 (view)

easy going fun lovin...what happened? Posted: 11/17/2009 5:18:50 PM
Being fun and joking around is lovely. It's great to be with someone you can laugh with. If a man is like that all the time, then it's not so great. If he turns everything in to a quip or joke, then it can appear to be a defence mechanism. You can't talk to him about anything meaningful or share your troubles with him because as soon as he can he'll steer it to a lighter level. He's uncomfortable with the real you, that's why. This might seem like cheering someone up and making light of things, but it's actually quite insulting. It says 'I don't want to know about your true feelings only the lighter side of you'. To have a relationship with someone you need to be able to relate on more than one level. If I have a problem I want to talk about, I don't want someone turning it into a joke at the earliest possible opportunity. I do feel that if all he's interested in is laughing and joking with the boys (and girls), then he's not grown up enough for me. Joking about is a very good way to fend off real emotional intimacy with someone. It might be worth you thinking about the purpose of your joking. Is it to have fun or does it help you out of situations you perceive as awkward or embarassing - or both?

mysteriosa

Joined: 5/19/2006

Msg: 8 (view)

am i missing something Posted: 11/16/2009 6:31:02 PM
It seems to me your female friend is going through an upsetting time. She's split up from her boyfriend and presumably dealing with the emotional pain of that. Plus, she didn't have anywhere to live and close relatives didn't seem to want her. Her uncle has taken her in, which is very kind of him. He is asking her if she's found anywhere but, in her present state of mind and possibly health, she may not be up to hunting for a home at the moment. She may be upset at the thought of being alone in an empty flat. He seems to be understanding of this. If she's staying home mostly, that suggests she's not feeling up to socialising. Do you think she's depressed and down? If she is, the last thing she'll need is to be pushed into doing anything major at the moment. A friend would be kind and supportive and maybe suggest she see her doctor if she's feeling really bad. She probably just needs a friend to be there and listen at this point in time. By friend, I do mean friend. If you get more involved than that with her, then you risk getting hurt as she's not over her boyfriend yet.

mysteriosa

Joined: 5/19/2006

Msg: 10 (view)

What does it mean when a girl invites you to her place on first date Posted: 11/16/2009 5:57:46 PM
Well, it sounds like she liked you and felt comfortable with you. She was happy to show you her home. I wouldn't assume she wanted to jump into bed with you and that it went wrong because you didn't. She was treating you as a new friend. Perhaps you seemed uncomfortable in her eyes and appeared to beat a hasty retreat. She may have thought you didn't like her. Did you give her any positive feedback before you left? It would have nice if you'd phoned her later that evening, just to confirm you'd enjoyed the day. Leaving it to a text the next day might come across as a bit too casual and uninterested. Other than that possible interpretation, haven't a clue ...

mysteriosa

Joined: 5/19/2006

Msg: 19 (view)

He ran away... Posted: 11/16/2009 5:29:05 PM
He's just weird and you are better off without him. What kind of person behaves like that? Honestly, don't even think of tolerating such oddness and unpredictability, you would only be setting yourself up for another episode of weirdness. Whatever he was doing, he was not thinking about your feelings it seems. I know you've been through a lot, so please expect men to treat you better than this. A decent man would give you an explanation and would keep his word about calling; he wouldn't just disappear on you. The guy sounds a bit unhinged.

mysteriosa

Joined: 5/19/2006

Msg: 11 (view)

Dress code? Posted: 11/15/2009 10:57:55 AM
Like the other posters say, dress appropriately for the occasion. About letting your true self show through, yes, you need to do that and the right woman for you will be OK about that. The only thing I would say (and I'm sure you do this anyway) is to make sure you are clean, nice-smelling and tidy. There's a difference between casual smart and casual don't care. One is respectful towards the woman you are meeting and other isn't.

mysteriosa

Joined: 5/19/2006

Msg: 20 (view)

Want to ask her but can't Posted: 11/14/2009 8:40:29 PM
Seems ridiculous if you both like each other that you can't ask her to be your girlfriend. You both need your jobs though so have to bear that in mind and act accordingly until such time as you can safely date. Could you talk to her about what you'd like if it wasn't for the job situation? That might help you to decide what to do next. Either way, I think I'd be looking for another job. I don't think an employer should have any right to impose such a contract on staff as if they are children. If the staff do anything that prevents them from working together as rational adults, fine, then the employer can do something, but these contracts intrude on people's private lives. Many people in my workplace are in long-term relationships or married and only once has it been a problem. Even then, colleagues worked together to help the ex couple cope rather than sack either of them. They acted with compassion, knowing the individuals involved were hurt. That's the way it should be.

mysteriosa

Joined: 5/19/2006

Msg: 9 (view)

is it time to walk away Posted: 11/14/2009 8:30:32 PM
Bit confused about what happened. You seem to be saying she made a move and became more than friends and then she became distant and rejected you physically. At the same time, you say you would have been OK with just being friends. I guess she hurt you and you cut her off and now you're wondering whether that was a good idea. You seem a bit mixed up about what you really wanted from her, which may have sent her mixed messages too. She shouldn't have encouraged you and then switched either. She has lots of issues and you have your own with having been given mixed messages. You both need someone who cares and is patient. I can see a lot of scope for misunderstanding and pain between the two of you unless you are both honest with each other. You reacted with anger when she became distant - did you try talking to her? You don't have to hang out with her if she's hurt you, that's true. I do wonder though whether some of the pent-up anger you've felt about other women isn't being thrown at her. She will detect it, I can assure you. It's very hard not to bring past hurts into new relationships, I know, and I can only sympathise. The main thing I suggest is you try to talk to her about how she's feeling about you and ask her why. Only then can you decide if she's just not into you or if you both need to be a little more understanding of each other.

mysteriosa

Joined: 5/19/2006

Msg: 6 (view)

When is messaging a problem? Posted: 11/14/2009 8:04:19 PM
It would be nice to know they are thinking of me, but to be quite honest if I couldn't find time to respond to them it's because I'm not that interested. If my job was that stressful and demanding, then I'd need to get out of it to have a chance at building a relationship with someone. Family issues are unavoidable, of course, but you can't have a relationship with someone you have no time for. It's hard to know who you are asking about here, but if someone is not contacting you for the reasons you mentioned, I'd forget them. They could find a few minutes here and there to make you feel loved and wanted. Obviously, they don't care to.

mysteriosa

Joined: 5/19/2006

Msg: 8 (view)

Need a bit of advice Posted: 11/14/2009 8:00:04 PM
You sound very doubtful about the second man, so I suspect he's on his way out. Regarding the first, what is the matter with the man? What sort of man tells you not to communicate with him at all? Even given his recent bereavement, he sounds rather odd and uncaring. I don't think I'd feel inclined to give him a second chance. There is no excuse for telling someone not to contact you unless you really dislike them or they are harassing you.

mysteriosa

Joined: 5/19/2006

Msg: 4 (view)

traveling through town Posted: 11/14/2009 6:56:09 PM
I think they are probably assuming you are the type who has a girl in every port and who thinks they will fit the bill. Yes, they are probably offended that you would think they'd hang out casually with a stranger. They don't know you and don't want to be one of many. Many women are looking for someone who will be there and who is serious about finding a relationship. They aren't looking to hang out with a visitor who is likely to only ever be a visitor. You've said yourself that you are only looking to see the sights and hang out. It sounds altogether too casual for most women.

mysteriosa

Joined: 5/19/2006

Msg: 11 (view)

Guys in their 40s, never married and no kids Posted: 11/14/2009 7:02:40 AM
No, certainly not frown upon. If I'm honest, I would wonder why. There are bound to be many reasons why someone might not marry, some of which I'd feel wary of. If he just hadn't met the right person or it hadn't worked out with the one(s) he wanted, then that's an OK reason to me. When I say 'OK', I mean for me in terms of what I'm interested in. Bad luck is one thing we can all understand. Sometimes it isn't bad luck but actually the way the man wanted it to be, perhaps because he backed out at the last minute on each occasion. I would be wondering whether he was someone who didn't like or couldn't handle commitment. I don't want to get involved with someone who is likely to opt out suddenly because we are getting closer - no, I can do without that kind of pain. Nor would I be interested in an immature person who hadn't settled down because he was still living the life of a teenager (all perfectly fine for him but wouldn't suit me). It is a difficult one though. I do know people who have never 'settled down', or as they've said, "just not met the right one", but in all honesty they are travelling types, always on the go and constantly meeting new people. They tend to have superficial relationships and are easily bored. They would find settling with anyone difficult, which is why I suspect it never happened. Some are glaringly immature: women see it but they don't. Personally, I'm not impressed with stories of daring, stupidity, extreme drinking or iterations on the theme of 'how I got into trouble with the law'. These kinds of things can be funny for a short time but when they are mostly the only topics of conversation, one concludes they'd be better off with a teenager (sorry teenagers!). Others are very much 'men's men'; they can chat happily with other men and are very active in all sorts of fields, but when it comes to chatting with women, they don't have the sensitivity and empathy which is necessary to form a bond. Still others are geeks who switch off to anything else and so cannot form an emotional bond either. On the positive side, someone who hasn't married might be more enthusistic about settling down than someone just out of a bitter divorce. They might not have the same kind of emotional hang-ups and negativity about family life. They might be enthusiastic about having children in their lives and might have a lot to offer them. All the above can apply to someone who has been married and I would consider the same issues then too.

mysteriosa

Joined: 5/19/2006

Msg: 4 (view)

Guys who tell you they've been in intense relationships? Posted: 11/12/2009 7:07:31 PM
Judging by the number of men on here who are looking for a woman who knows how to have fun and doesn't take herself too seriously, I suspect they mean they want the fun side of a relationship (sex and laughter) but not commitment. I think they don't really want to have a proper relationship bcause that might mean resolving difficulties and coming to terms with there being two different people involved. If they are talking like that, they are telling you up front that they do not feel any attachment and may well give up on you if faced with any kind of obligation. If you are looking for a meaningful relationship with a man, then be wary of men who talk like this. They might be great fun and good company but may let you down when you need them to 'be there' for you. A man who wants a relationship will be there and will be looking out for you rather than telling you about how they don't want to rush into things.

mysteriosa

Joined: 5/19/2006

Msg: 30 (view)

Torn between morally right & right to be happy Posted: 11/12/2009 6:12:05 PM
She needs to sort out her own head and heart before she drags you into a mess. She may well want out but using someone who is attracted to you to help you is not fair on them. I don't think you can rely on her to want to be with you when she's out of the marriage and over any possible divorce. It's all a long way down the line and she has a lot of conflicting emotions to deal with before she's ready to start afresh with someone new. Basically, even if there wasn't an ethical problem for you, I think you'd be getting involved with someone who is likely to (unintentionally, I'd admit) use you and hurt you.

mysteriosa

Joined: 5/19/2006

Msg: 13 (view)

Is this not love? Posted: 11/11/2009 6:47:18 PM
I think it means he's not in love and probably never was, but he was attracted physically and liked spending time with you. It is possible to admire someone, find them attractive and love them but not be 'in love' with them. However, you don't cut off someone you love; you try to keep the friendship at least. I suspect he was never in love and it was always far more casual for him than he indicated. He seems OK about walking away having misled you. He sounds a pretty shallow poor excuse of a man to me. Sorry this happened to you.

mysteriosa

Joined: 5/19/2006

Msg: 13 (view)

I'm so confused! Posted: 11/9/2009 6:14:24 PM
Just wondered why you felt you had to make a decision. It's best to meet each of them first and see how you get on before doing that. Do either know about the other? If so, has one been pressuring you? I'd always answer honestly if someone asked me if I was talking to anyone else but until you have been seeing someone for a while and have discussed whether you are girlfriend/boyfriend, you are free to see who you like. If, when I met them, they both appealed equally, then if I had to choose I'd choose the one who was going to be around. Can't have a relationship with someone who's never there.

mysteriosa

Joined: 5/19/2006

Msg: 12 (view)

Give it two weeks and I always screw it up! Posted: 11/9/2009 5:47:48 PM
Cons: 1) she is a bit older than me (6 years)..not a huge deal but she may be headed down hill physically from here..I have 'pending' dates from girls in their early 20's...maybe I should try one? Yes, shallow much. Bear in mind she's going to be looking for good qualities in you too and shallowness is probably not one of them. 2) She has a mustache! (when I kiss her I can feel it, it kinda creeped me out at first! lol) it's not really visible...unless you look hard. She's not perfect - most of us are not - she's really better off without someone so judgemental. I can't see this lasting long at all. 3) her teeth are VERY bad...there's a long back story to her teeth but if I am going to persue a serious relationship, they will need to be fixed...I dont know if I can take her to a work event with that grill. I can see why teeth can be offputting and I have been put off by them before, but honestly you are far too preoccupied by the superficial. It seems to me that you are saying she's a nice person, good in bed, but you are not attracted to her physically. Is there any point going into a serious relationship with the aim of changing the other person's whole appearance? She will be beautiful to someone else and she deserves to be appreciated like that.

mysteriosa

Joined: 5/19/2006

Msg: 21 (view)

What's going on here? Posted: 11/8/2009 6:44:37 PM
She's saying one thing but doing another. I suspect she's one of these people who is keen with every man she decides to meet but then loses interest quickly. She'll keep in touch and probably keep you in the background whilst getting on with the other fun things she's got on the go. If you backed off for a while, she may come looking for you. I think I'd get on with meeting other girls and leave her to it. If she really wants you (when she realises you've backed off), then let her do some of the work. If she does show interest then, you need to indicate in some way that you want her to put you first if you are going to date. I'm not suggesting you be aggressive or unpleasant about this but just let her know that dating matters to you and it is to be taken seriously. Also, refuse to let her friends join in too - at least initially - after all you wanted to date this girl and get to know her. Seems to me she's just used to fitting men in around her social life. If they put up with it, they'll stay in the background.

mysteriosa

Joined: 5/19/2006

Msg: 19 (view)

My friend and I love the same girl Posted: 11/8/2009 6:05:04 PM
Actually, the girl will choose in the end, if she likes either of you that is. It won't make the slightest bit of difference to her who has called dibs on who. I think your friend has a cheek anyway, how can he effectively tell you - his friend - to keep your hands off? What sort of friend does that make him? I assume it wasn't quite done like that, but all the same, a more charitable approach might have been 'may the best man win'. If you really like her, maybe you'll end up sacrificing the friendship. Some feelings run very deep and can't be denied. After all, how does the saying go? All's fair in love and war.

mysteriosa

Joined: 5/19/2006

Msg: 20 (view)

Any advice? Posted: 11/7/2009 9:06:52 PM
I think it's perfectly reasonable to start a relationship on that basis and it's what I would want to do. I got fed up with men lying to get what they wanted and decided I would get to know them as friends first to find out what kind of person they were, before it turned physical. If you've seen each other quite a few times now and she's still happy to see you, then it may be time to show her that you want more. It's possible that she will turn you down but at least you will know where you stand. I certainly wouldn't approach the situation in a negative way as if you can't take this any longer. Tell her you have feelings for her and you are looking for more involvement with her because she becoming special to you. I don't think it would do you any good if you put this across as a threat or ultimatum, but if she saw you were making a positive move forward and you were happy with her, then she can look forward to something developing rather than feeling pressured. Once you've let her know how you'd like things to go now, give her a little time to think about it as it is a change and she wasn't certain about you to start with. Good luck.

mysteriosa

Joined: 5/19/2006

Msg: 16 (view)

Too small for a condom !?! Then What??? Posted: 11/7/2009 8:52:32 PM
I would contact the family planning clinic and ask what they can suggest. I did wonder though whether it is really the problem or whether he just doesn't like condoms. If he's just being honest though then I'd do some research on the web. There must be suppliers somewhere. One wonders why he hasn't done some research as he must have known about this for some time.

mysteriosa

Joined: 5/19/2006

Msg: 4 (view)

Give it two weeks and I always screw it up! Posted: 11/7/2009 8:48:34 PM
When you say you start questioning if they are feeling the same way as you, how do you mean? Do you mean you are asking them or are just thinking it and your behaviour changes as a result? I think either way would get uncomfortable for the woman. If you are asking them if they are feeling the same way so early on, then it could be too early for them. Not everyone gets attached at the same rate. Some people rarely get emotionally attached and tend to be seen as afraid of commitment when they just don't bond in the same way that others do. If you aren't asking them but are suddenly starting to behave oddly, then how do you behave? Without knowing what you are doing that freaks the other person out, it's hard to know what to suggest.

mysteriosa

Joined: 5/19/2006

Msg: 4 (view)

The one you love has a new love.... Posted: 11/7/2009 8:27:35 PM
When you loved someone then the path to recovering yourself and your confidence is going to be littered with things that make you stumble. I see these as the strings that tie us to the past but that we are not consciously aware of. The ex meeting someone new is one of those events that jolts us out of our new temporary reality - the one of ok he's not with me now but he's still free. In fact, one thing I've learned from dating and relationships during the past few years is that it seems to require frequent readjustment to new realities - anything from a long-term male friend suddenly deciding to kiss you to someone deciding the relationship wasn't for him only a week after telling you he loved you. It's hard adjusting to something painful as the whole situation is rehashed consciously again, but it will resolve in its own time. You've just had this blow so you will feel a loss of resilience temporarily. You will bounce back though when you've processed this and realised that it doesn't make you any less. Think of it as another stage along the road to feeling completely free to become involved with a special person in the future.

mysteriosa

Joined: 5/19/2006

Msg: 6 (view)

Mixed Signals, could use some decoding... Posted: 11/7/2009 7:46:15 PM
First thoughts were that she is the kind of girl who would make you and your (ex) girlfriend feel awkward by suggesting things your ex clearly wasn't comfortable with. That isn't saying much for her character. She has been there for you during difficult times, so she has some good qualities. She has been trying to get your attention for some time, probably because you weren't available and she knew it. She's still trying, but it seems the minute you are available she hasn't got time. It's likely that the less available you are to her, the more she will try to draw you in. I get the feeling she just likes pulling strings and you'd be mad to get involved with her. What do you know about her relationships with other men - have they worked well and have any of them lasted any length of time?

mysteriosa

Joined: 5/19/2006

Msg: 19 (view)

How to make a girl feel special? Posted: 11/7/2009 7:36:30 PM
No, it's not all it takes. I think there are a few important things missing. How about being honest with her and not cheating? Integrity is probably the most important personal quality I'd look for - that and caring for me, of course. I'm not talking about the brutal honesty that some men on here seem to think is their most endearing quality. Whilst they might be proud to 'call a spade a spade', I don't want to meet an insensitive man. Being interested in her as a person is also important. Men have said they are interested in me, but when we chat I realise they are not interested in anything I say or do, only in seeing pictures and meeting up (presumably so they can look some more and still not listen). Listening is important but understanding what she is saying and what is important to her matters too. Having said all that, you need to think about what matters to you too. What kind of qualities you would like in a woman. If you choose in line with what's important to you and not just based on their looks, then you've got a much better chance of finding a match.

mysteriosa

Joined: 5/19/2006

Msg: 16 (view)

Permanently stuck in a rut Posted: 11/7/2009 1:12:49 PM
Without knowing you, I have absolutely no idea what is happening. It occurred to me though that I know someone who has similar problems. He's a lovely man but doesn't seem to get anywhere. He's a scientist, which isn't the problem of course. What I have found though is that if any emotional or psychological topics crop up in a conversation, his eyes glaze over and within seconds he's effectively dropped out. He's still there, of course, in person, but mentally he's miles away. His lack of interest and inability to cope with things that most women feel to be the very centre of life and relationships manifests itself by distraction. He suddenly has something he'd forgotten to do, he starts playing with a gadget, or he decides he needs to get a drink, go to the men's room or whatever. It's quite amusing in a way, but it does mean he's sabotaging relationships with women left, right and centre. This is a man who woman are fond of and things certainly should be different for him. Unless he can learn to cope with this, though, I fear he will be alone. How can you get close to someone who shuts off when you share any feelings about anything of importance?

mysteriosa

Joined: 5/19/2006

Msg: 8 (view)

21-post limit on some forums Posted: 11/7/2009 1:01:46 PM
Ah, clever idea, Cowboy, now why didn't I think of that? It's not so much that I think I have anything particularly special to say, just frustrating to have spent time thinking and typing to have it go to waste. I do think that sometimes people post some of the same repetitive topics, e.g. "why are women ignoring me?", because they don't realise that their post is a variation on this same theme. If you frequent the forums, you start to spot the different manifestations but it's not always obvious to new people.

mysteriosa

Joined: 5/19/2006

Msg: 29 (view)

finding friendship difficult Posted: 11/7/2009 12:33:11 PM
Why should you give him the benefit of your friendship and time if he doesn't want it to be more? You have seriously got to think about the lovely qualities you have got to offer someone. When you feel rejected it's so easy to start to feel negative about yourself when you are the perfect woman for some special person. You are a genuine, caring and loving person. Farceur knows what he's talking about. Please don't waste yourself and your gifts on someone who isn't able to appreciate them. There are others out there who would appreciate and love you, if you only let go of him. Whilst you are still fixated on him, you are inadvertently creating a wall between yourself and a better future. The minute he becomes part of your background and not foreground, other suitors will start to emerge. I don't go along with this idea that someone who has broken up with someone is using them. This can be the case of course, with some dispreputable people, but others do appreciate the friendship and even love their ex, just do not feel they are 'in love' or that the person was right for them. Having said that, if it's painful for you, you are under no obligation to stay friends or in contact - it may be better for you to withdraw from that painful situation and concentrate on building yourself up again.

mysteriosa

Joined: 5/19/2006

Msg: 15 (view)

Unsure if she's interested... Posted: 11/5/2009 11:15:45 AM
I don't think you can interpret the fact that she has quiet weekends and nothing to do as meaning she wants you to ask her out. It could mean something or it could just mean she's being honest. In fact, so far she sounds like an honest person. I get the impression her friends wanted to go so she joined them. She seems to like talking to you and she came to the concert. I think she likes you as a friend. I don't think this necessarily means that more may not develop. If she'd like to get to know you but is uncertain about a possible romance, then she may ignore romantic references like mention of dates. It's easier to ignore sometimes than to say I'm not sure about all this. When I say 'ignore', I mean she is thinking about it. When someone is uncertain, you have a choice as to whether to give up on her or get to know her as a friend and just hang out with her and see how it goes. Something tells me she hasn't consigned you to the friends zone so much as she just doesn't know how she wants things to go.

mysteriosa

Joined: 5/19/2006

Msg: 1 (view)

21-post limit on some forums Posted: 11/5/2009 10:42:13 AM
As you know, there is a 21-post limit on some forums. It can be frustrating to compose a message in response to a poster and then find it won't be posted as other posters had filled the last few posts. When we try to post to the forum and it has reached the limit, could we at that point have an option to send it directly to the poster? It would be less frustrating. I know we could cut and paste and send it, if we haven't lost the message, but it would be easier to have an automated option. I'm aware it couldn't be done with OPs who have message restrictions but that could be indicated at the time.

mysteriosa

Joined: 5/19/2006

Msg: 11 (view)

She has changed... Posted: 11/5/2009 10:20:04 AM
It's good that you have morals, nothing wrong with that at all., but if she was doing what she thought you'd like and you turned her down, she may think you were judging her badly. I wonder how you communicated this to her. Did you make it clear you liked her and wanted to get to know her better before getting too involved physically? She might feel rejected otherwise. It sounds like she's moved on now. If you're really keen, you may be able to change her mind but you'd have to be sincere. If you choose to try and get her to be your girlfriend, then you both need to be clear that this means something and isn't a game. Maybe you felt that she was just playing around in the past and you needed more commitment.

mysteriosa

Joined: 5/19/2006

Msg: 11 (view)

How does a man ask for a second chance. Posted: 11/4/2009 7:05:53 PM
Why do you assume their behaviour is irrational? It may be different from your approach but people are different. It sounds like you don't like their behaviour and resist it, so it's not surprising that things don't work out between you. I agree you shouldn't have to explain every action or your motivations - we all need privacy - but it depends how far you take this. If you are generally uncommunicative about things that matter to a partner, then they will get frustrated. I suspect it would help you if you got some feedback from impartial friends or maybe a counsellor about what could be happening in relationships. Generally, if things have broken up it's because one or both parties has decided they are no longer attracted or can't make the relationship work, so asking for a second chance may be pointless. Why would you ask for a second chance if you felt it all went downhill because of their 'irrational' behaviour anyway? I think you have two choices: either give up on those women who can't handle you the way you are, or go into some kind of therapy to find out if you are contributing to the breakdowns. Good luck.

mysteriosa

Joined: 5/19/2006

Msg: 31 (view)

heavy heart Posted: 11/4/2009 6:45:10 PM
I do understand as I've experienced something similar in the past. You know I think there is something wrong with people who profess love and insist on saying it when they don't really mean it. It might help you to realise that a decent person just wouldn't do that. They'd be mature enough to know that integrity really matters. It's easy to put too much trust in what people say rather than what they do. Think about the things she did that you weren't happy with. It might not seem like a good thing now, but there are some positives in this situation: i) you are free to go out with the next lovely woman who interests you (and others if you so choose), and ii) you don't have to compromise yourself to make it work with her any more. Take care.

mysteriosa

Joined: 5/19/2006

Msg: 18 (view)

if a guy show you a true deep interest? Posted: 10/31/2009 10:28:39 PM
Showing a real interest does make a difference, but not if it's creepy or unwanted attention. The fact that a guy shows interest and makes it clear demonstrates he's not afraid to go for what he wants. It also means you know where you stand with him and have a starting point to work from. He can seem 'deeper' than other men, as he's not sitting there talking about cars, gadgets or cricket. All this can come across badly though if he's unattractive, seems like a player, or is lacking intelligence. Then it just seems creepy. It does expose a man to the risk of rejection, which I guess is why this kind of approach is more common amongst drunks. If the same feelings are expressed nicely though, and maybe with a touch of humour but no pressure, then the man can make a very positive impression.

mysteriosa

Joined: 5/19/2006

Msg: 3 (view)

Would you ever let your friend have your child? Posted: 10/31/2009 10:18:50 PM
No, not in any ordinary circumstances. I suppose it's just possible that if I was very ill and he was my very best friend and the child had bonded with him, then I might consider appointing him as guardian if I was unable to look after the child. I'd have to have considered family options first, though the deciding factor would be what was in my child's best interests. Of course, the friend would have to agree too. What kind of situation did you have in mind?

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