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vkd62025

Joined: 6/23/2006

Msg: 7 (view)

Found Her!!! Posted: 9/9/2008 11:59:53 AM
I thought it was wry and witty. I didn't think he meant it literally.

vkd62025

Joined: 6/23/2006

Msg: 4 (view)

HOW LONG SHOULD YOU REALLY WAIT..??? Posted: 8/27/2008 11:57:39 AM
Hmmm. Wait for what? His full attention? A ring? Another empty drunken declaration? Nothing to wait for, as far as I see. Your remark "(expecially when he looks at me its almost is if u can hear him say it).." is a fantasy. You can hear what you want to hear when it is all imaginary. If he is "not ready to give his heart", you have exactly two choices: 1. You can accept what he is willing to give. 2. You can refuse what he is willing to give. You do not have your preferred choice, to CHANGE what he is willing to give. Having been a long-time rider on the Heartbreak Express, let me suggest that you not waste another minute trying to figure out his agenda, or worrying about where this relationship is going. Pick Me! I have the answer. It's going nowhere. That is his choice. Do something positive with your time, and stop mooning after him. If you are no longer readily available, he'll have to make a choice. Leave that to him, and refuse to to attempt to interfere with his choices. You have better things to do.

vkd62025

Joined: 6/23/2006

Msg: 39 (view)

Very easy cracker canape Posted: 8/21/2008 10:10:31 AM
Stone ground crackers Hard cheese (parmesan, for example); thin sliced or grated Bacon strips Set the cheese on the cracker, and wrap with bacon, lay on ungreased cookie sheet, bake at 200 degrees for an hour. (You can put these in the oven, and then go take your shower). If you need 'em quick, they come out OK if broiled for 5 to 10 minutes, just check them from time to time. Prep time for several cookie sheets for your size of crowd could be up to 20 minutes, but you could do the prep in advance and then pop them in the oven just in time for the party.

vkd62025

Joined: 6/23/2006

Msg: 5 (view)

Casual hookups in the interim? Posted: 8/7/2008 10:16:21 AM
Statistically speaking, there is a price to pay, especially if you move in with someone. The divorce rate is higher among those who have a premarital relationship with their partner, particulary those who have moved in together first to "try it out". I would say you are better served to "begin as you mean to go". If what you pursue is sexual gratification without commitment, you can expect that to become the pattern of your life. If what you really want is "a woman whom I could love, care for and support, and who would do the same for me", then wait for her and find something worthwhile to do with your life in the interim. You really have to plan to be what you want to attract.

vkd62025

Joined: 6/23/2006

Msg: 2 (view)

I found that one guy..ON HERE Posted: 3/7/2008 1:21:08 PM
Congratulations. You go girl!!!

vkd62025

Joined: 6/23/2006

Msg: 57 (view)

Warning sign from a date? Posted: 12/21/2007 10:43:26 AM
Hmmmm. There's a old saying that however your datemates treat waiters and waitresses is a predictor of how they will treat you in the end if you become involved. The idea being that waitstaff gets the treatment reserved for people who can be taken for granted. This behavior says it's more important for her to be right and to have her way than it is to have a good time, or even than it is to get to know you. Scratch her off your Christmas list....NEXT!!!

vkd62025

Joined: 6/23/2006

Msg: 73 (view)

Doesn't anyone REALLY want to meet? Posted: 7/11/2007 8:53:21 AM
I liked what Benjamin7 had to say, message 9. Followed the link to the profile, liked the comments about other topics. Thought to myself, "hmmm, nice and sincere guy". Crafted a response, only to find out that Benjamin7 doesn't accept messages from folks living over 75 miles away. Sorry to hear it. The fishing must be better within 75 miles of Oklahoma City than it is within 75 miles of St. Louis. Maybe that explains why Benjamin7 says he hasn't met anyone yet from the site. Perhaps some folks were interested, but didn't make the cut. You go, Benjamin7!!! I still think you sound like a super-nice guy.

vkd62025

Joined: 6/23/2006

Msg: 1 (view)

The weight issue Posted: 5/16/2007 1:35:10 PM
Weight is a huge issue here. Many of the forum posters complain of being misled. I think having categories for appearance is not as effective as just having people indicate their actual weight and actual height. I chose "a few extra pounds" because the next category is "BBW", and that doesn't fit me at all. I can see how a "few extra pounds" could be misleading, because I'm actually carrying a few-more-than-a-few. With a picture, and actual height and weight figures, people could decide more easily for themselves about whether someone in a profile is of the physical type they seek. Weight and height figures would put the pics into perspective, and give anyone who searched the profile a lot better sense of what the other person actually looks like, except for out-&-out liars, and I believe liars are the minority. I think most of us are well-intentioned and want to be honest. If you think one specific figure is too personal, how about ranges??

vkd62025

Joined: 6/23/2006

Msg: 66 (view)

What do you bring to a relationship ? Posted: 4/24/2007 8:08:09 AM
I'm with "YouHeartMe", what a noble ambition.

vkd62025

Joined: 6/23/2006

Msg: 3 (view)

closing my profile Posted: 4/11/2007 9:16:55 AM
Hi, Kaz: I put my request for a look at my profile on a "review" thread, and got excellent feedback. If you ask in your thread to keep the replies gentle and positive, people will respect that. I noticed three things that are probably hurting your chances at hearing from people. (1) Spelling and grammar errors. If you read many of the forum posts, you will find that a lot of the PoF folks are very turned off by that. (2) You let fear come through when you say "I need", even though it's true, and you let negativity show when you mention that you aren't small, you are a size 18. I'd let the size itself and pics speak for you, I'd not indicate any "I'm nots". (3) You have too many restrictions. Open yourself to possibilities. You may not want to date a woman, but there may be a woman who lives in your area who could tell you about someone she knows. You may want them to live close, but what if they are planning to move there? See what I mean? Hugs, it's harder for us women who are more mature, and generously proportioned. Don't hang back and wait for men to message you, work it like looking for a job, send out a message to a match a couple of times a week. What do you have to lose? Keep fishin'

vkd62025

Joined: 6/23/2006

Msg: 21 (view)

Hmmm, deception? How many think you've been deceived on here? Posted: 4/5/2007 8:19:28 AM
I just heard yesterday on Public Radio a talking head positing that lying is endemic in the American business community, and has a positive social element. He quoted a salesman who claimed that his pitch was "not lying, but creative truth management". Let me say this about that, any time you encounter a "new morality", it's almost sure to be "the same old immorality". This all goes to the basis of morality, and the oldest philosophical question, "What is the nature of the good?" I believe "the good" is the positive, the healthy, the things that feed our bodies and souls. "The bad" then becomes "acts that are hurtful and destructive". In my book, lying and cheating are just about as destructive as it gets where relationships between people are involved. No interaction between two people remains untainted once there has been a breach of trust. Having said that, I do want to add this: I have an honest profile, and I don't pretend to be anything I'm not; but if I ever lose my excess weight and look more like Barbie as I did 20 years ago, I might be sluggish about changing my profile. It has been a real education these last few years, trying to meet a man who will like me for me.

vkd62025

Joined: 6/23/2006

Msg: 109 (view)

Good-bye: Maybe in my next lifetime. Posted: 4/5/2007 8:01:52 AM
How do you do one of those deletion requests? If ever a thread deserved to be deleted for "self-pity" and/or "attention-seeking", this is it!!!

vkd62025

Joined: 6/23/2006

Msg: 2 (view)

Materialistic things? How are we judged? Posted: 4/3/2007 12:18:09 PM
You are young, and you probably date young women. For many people, it takes years of experience to realize what is truly important. There are some who have that sense of priority from a young age, but I suspect they are in the minority. So, protect yourself by getting to know someone thoroughly before you let the relationship escalate. Some things last a lifetime, like character. Other things come and go, like cars and money and appearance. A woman concerned with what a man owns is looking for the man who is concerned with how she looks. They deserve each other. As they climb the escalator of life, constantly keeping an eye out for the next rung, people with character deepen their love and affection over the years regardless of their circumstances.

vkd62025

Joined: 6/23/2006

Msg: 28 (view)

Children or love? Posted: 4/3/2007 9:11:29 AM
I'm with message #3 here. There are lots of ways to say, "I just want to party, and I don't want a child to slow me down". Unfortunately, excuses don't always sound like excuses to the person who is desperately hungry for a child, and cannot hear that others are different on this issue. Some people are centered by child-rearing. I am. While I had a great time as a singleton, I never felt my life truly mattered until I had my son. Bearing and rearing him was everything to me. I just wish I had been able to connect with a man who placed the same value on having a child and an "Ozzie and Harriet", lemonade and chocolate chip lifestyle. Still and all, my ex shook me out of my two-dimensional world, and exposed me to many growth experiences. I have no regret for any of it, even the pain involved. Pain wonderfully concentrates the mind. I have often wondered if our marriage would have stayed intact if we had not had a child. Certainly ex would have appreciated more of my undivided attention, and our finances would have been more manageable, because kids are expensive. In the end, I always know I'd never have been truly happy and satisfied in MY life without kids. Ex might or might not have been happy in such a home, but I never would have. It would not have been the life I wanted for myself. In the end, I would have had to face the hole in my life, and I probably would have left the marriage. Problem is that ex never said, "I don't want children", he just kept making excuses, while I kept getting older, then pregnancy happened and surprised us both. Of all issues to consider in choosing a life-partner, this has to be at the top of the list. There are ways to compromise most things, you can have both a Christmas tree and a Hannukah bush, but there is no way for one partner to rear a child within a LTR without the presence of the child affecting every other aspect. People really, really need to be HONEST on their intentions; and choose partners in synch with the desires of their heart. It is not fair to anyone to hedge on this, or to expect the other partner to change. A child is a lifetime commitment. If you are dying to make that commitment, find someone else equally desirous, or decide to go it alone. Don't even think a "soulmate" with a vasectomy is just waiting for the right woman. He's made his choice. Make yours.

vkd62025

Joined: 6/23/2006

Msg: 19 (view)

Do you ever just get tired of dating? Posted: 3/27/2007 12:03:41 PM
I was looking at your profile, and was surprised you think there are a lot of average available men in our age group. I assure you there are not enough of them. There are significantly more available women in every age group after the age of 30, but in the older age groups, the effect becomes even more pronounced. It is VERY difficult for an average woman to meet a quality man in our age group. I never particularly liked dating as a way to find a mate, although I had a lot of interesting dates, and enjoy dating more often than not. Having made friends from India, I am starting to think they may have it right. The larger family there is involved in arranging marriages, and then the larger family remains involved and invested in the new couple's future. People in India approach marriage with a lot more healthy realism. They expect to have differences with their spouse, and they expect to work out the differences. They seldom divorce, and their children are treasured. They put more of a premium on their extended family relationships, and put much less pressure on their marriages. They don't stop being themselves just because of "falling in love", they find the very idea humorous. The whole process is much more relaxed.

vkd62025

Joined: 6/23/2006

Msg: 7 (view)

Thinking of emailing... Posted: 2/28/2007 8:23:39 AM
Since you work together, conversation is always a possibility. Be careful of using business e-mail to convey anything even vaguely personal; in fact, be careful of putting personal stuff in writing in any form in the workplace. Can you not think of a sensible question about his area of responsibility? A question that would logically bring you to his office door?

vkd62025

Joined: 6/23/2006

Msg: 6 (view)

strangest request for a mongamous relationship? Posted: 2/26/2007 3:08:19 PM
RUN, don't walk, away from this one. What "spoiling"?? The only thing rotten is his lack of character. There are any number of reasons why a guy might want this, none of them bode well for a woman who is looking for more. If her morals find his repugnant, that won't change with time, and a good apple seldom makes a rotten barrel turn sweet. She will be "morals challenged" with him over and over again, and he will never be able to give her anything meaningful in terms of partnership.

vkd62025

Joined: 6/23/2006

Msg: 39 (view)

How do you know if you let the love of your life getaway? Posted: 2/26/2007 12:11:39 PM
Along with all the other denial that people have been calling you on: Yes, you did cheat on your wife in the traditional sense. I know you were separated, but that is not single. Separation is a time apart to decide what to do about a marriage. It is not a time for olly-olly-oxen-free. No, you don't get to bang other women during a marital separation, and pretend that isn't cheating. Unless you want to fall back on, "it depends on what the definition of 'is' is." You got married, you separated, you cheated, you felt guilty and whatever else, you returned to your wife, while you cheated her in your heart every day for four years, wanting to puke over someone else. I kind of wanted to puke reading this drivel. I'm sorry, but this is not some kind of new morality, it's the same ole immorality. I'll tell you what I eventually told my ex (note "ex", that's important), "Either get in the boat or get out of the boat, but quit trawling off the side of the boat."

vkd62025

Joined: 6/23/2006

Msg: 2 (view)

Do you need to change locale to find your dream or are people the same all over essentially? Posted: 2/23/2007 1:22:22 PM
Well, I've traveled quite a lot, both in this country and to others. You don't really say how much traveling you have done, so it may be that you just crave something that seems "exotic" to you. Are people the same all over?? Well, yes and no. We all bleed red, and we all live on food and water, and etc. Culturally, though, there is a lot of difference from one place to another. My Mom likes to say that people are the same everywhere, and character-wise, I'm sure that is true. There are good warm-hearted people everywhere you go, just as there are a**holes. However, no matter how good a person someone is, sometimes the clash in cultures may be just unbearable. On the other hand, I suppose that sometimes two different cultures could be complimentary, one providing what the other lacks. The larger question is opportunity. In Illinois, there are far more marriageable women over 40 than there are men. If I were to move to Alaska, I could reverse that situation. But would I like Alaska, and/or would I like Alaskan men? I'd have to do some serious research to answer that question. Just bear in mind that carrying on a relationship with someone far away generally means that someone completely picks up and moves. Moving to a completely new place involves many issues of unfamiliarity. The food will be different, the way people talk will be foreign, furnishings won't be what you're used to, clothing styles will be unfamiliar and/or uncomfortable. Finding the music you like may be a challenge. You lose the support system of familiar people around you. You may even have to buy goods in a completely different currency. In England or Wales, you will find that you even have to have an adaptor for your appliances, because their plug-ins are different. I've carried on relationships with men both near and far, and it is much more difficult and expensive to get to know someone who lives in another region, or a completely different country. Still, the Internet makes it a lot more manageable than it used to be. I think it's time to do some soul-searching to think about the "whys" of this idea of yours. Can you identify why the idea of a foreign guy intrigues you? Can you think of other ways to scratch that itch closer to home?

vkd62025

Joined: 6/23/2006

Msg: 2 (view)

My best-received guest menu.... Posted: 2/23/2007 9:55:18 AM
I don't really have recipes for this stuff, like most experienced cooks, I use ratios and taste-testing to get the effect I want, but it'll give you a start. I actually had a couple of friends over to meet a guy I was dating at the time (sadly, didn't last, but it wasn't because of the food, LOL), so I can tell you that this menu was a crowd pleaser for both men and women. It has color and variety, it is reasonably health conscious, and the tastes compliment each other well. (1) Spinach salad: I used the small "baby" leaves whole. Wash them carefully, then add crumbled bacon and slivered almonds to taste. (You can get slivered almonds in packages in the baking section, or most of the "bulk" sections have them). Serve with the following balsamic vinaigrette: Equal parts Extra-Virgin pressed olive oil and balsamic vinegar, add 1/3 as much orange juice, and poppy seeds to taste. Shake well and pour. e.g. 1/2 cup oil/vinegar, 1/6 cup o.j. (2) Pumpkin/Brandy Soup Make a roux with butter or shortening and flour. If you don't know how, look it up on a web site. Good roux is the foundation for many gravies, cream sauces, and bisques. You will need about 1/8 cup of shortening to about 1/2 cup of flower. You just want a nice paste. Keep it on a low/med temp, and add the flour gradually to the liquified fat. Gently add most of a can of cooked pumpkin (or sweet potatos), a little at a time, stirring it into the roux, until you get the volume you want. Add condensed (or even regular) milk to thin to taste. Sweeten with brown sugar if you want more sweetness, that's a matter of personal taste. When you have it just about perfect, pour a jigger or two of brandy on top, close the bottle and set it down, and carefully light the top of the soup. Let the flame burn all the way out, and you will lose the alcohol in the brandy, but keep the flavor. Stir the soup and keep it warm. Best served with a nice soft bread. (3) Filet Madagascar: My ex-husband was a chef, and he made this and OMG, it's the best steak ever. You will need a can of green ( or "Madagascar") peppercorns. You may have to special order them. They come in a small can. Nothing else gives the right effect. Again, start with a roux. For this, you absolutely must use real butter. Add heavy cream slowly to your roux, stirring it in a little at a time. Add some water if it's too thick for your taste. Add in the can of peppercorns. Pour this over a prepared filet (I use a Foreman grill, but an outside grill, or oven-broiled steak does fine). Serve with a baked potato, and you're all set. For a first date, the only dessert I'd serve (especially with this heavy a meal) would be either fresh fruit or sorbet. You don't want her to fall asleep on you!!! Prep checklist: (1) Make sure you have everything you need in place, including ingredients: Grocery list: Spinach Bacon Slivered almonds Balsamic Vinegar Extra-Virgin pressed olive oil Orange Juice Poppy seeds (baking aisle) Canned pumpkin Condensed milk All-purpose Flour Butter Brandy Brown Sugar Canned green peppercorns Heavy cream Filet, or other prime steak Large baking potatos Fresh fruit or sorbet Prep schedule: 1 1/2 ours prior: Wash your spinach, assemble your salad in a nice bowl, prepare your dressing, and put all in the refrigerator. 1 hour prior: Pierce your baked potatos with a fork or knife (you don't want them to explode), and put them in a 425 degree oven. 45 minutes prior: Start your soup. 15 minutes prior: Put your steak on and start your Madagascar sauce. Put your bread in foil, and put it in the oven with your potatos. 5 minutes prior: Set your table: set out your salad, dressing, salad bowls, salad bowls, forks and napkins. Have a primo dinner. My ex-husband is a chef. At scheduled time, TURN THE OVEN OFF. It will stay warm for awhile.

vkd62025

Joined: 6/23/2006

Msg: 18 (view)

Wow, whole lotta shakin' goin' on.... Posted: 2/19/2007 8:16:37 AM
Dang, you've put out lots of issues all in one pithy note. Let's try and look at some of them, point by point. 1. I was brought up a Southern girl, and I absolutely understand the prohibition about calling men. I resisted it and rebelled against it all my growing-up years, but I have to admit, Mama was wiser. Even Yankee girls might think twice about calling men, at least until you are engaged or married. There are at least three important reasons I say this. One reason is that men are different, their perceptions are different, and their motivations are different. I can't speak for their species, but the best I can tell, men rarely call people on the phone to chitchat. It isn't a fun hobby for men, as it is for women. For most men, the phone is a utilitarian tool. They want to use it to accomplish their business, and then they want to move on. As far as I can see, the conversations men actually pay attention to are the conversations they initiate. To avoid getting my feelings hurt, I call my girlfriends when I want to talk, but wait for men to call me in romantic relationships, with but a few minor exceptions. The second reason is closely related to the first. A man who is truly interested in a woman does the work of courting, because men only value what they have to work for and win. A woman who calls, and visits, and buys gifts, and etc. devalues herself in "man dollars". She robs the man of "his job" in courting her. That means she discourages the kind of strong man she really wants, and draws men who are weak and/or "users". I wish this were not true. I've wished all my life it was not a truth. I like to play an active role in picking, choosing, and nourishing my relationships...but it has not been a path to good relationships. The third reason is that women who have a life are busy. They are on the phone, e-mail, text etc, to their friends, or they are out and about doing things. They are not calling men, and men know this. 2. His family was in town. Clearly, you were an afterthought. So what? His family was in town. You don't say how far apart they live, or how much/little they get to see each other, but he made his family his first priority. I would respect a man for that. 3. You chose to call, he chose not to return your call while he was spending time with his family. Clearly, you have not been promoted to the status of being part of the family, and I suspect that was the real issue here. I think, in your heart of hearts, you know that if he was crazy about you, he'd have had to include you in his family visit, but your relationship is not there yet. 4. Then, you call him again, and upbraid him for not returning your call. Now, THAT is controlling behavior. I am not obliged to answer the door every time someone knocks, or return every phone message left for me. That is a choice, and I wouldn't appreciate anyone criticizing my choice in this. If I called a man who didn't return my call to my satisfaction, I'd just move on. He has a choice not to return my call, then it's my choice to cut him off if he doesn't respond to my satisfaction. It is not my choice to decide for him how to handle my calls. 5. Now, the most telling point. He tells you clearly that you can't have this conversation right now, and even "his voice changes". THIS IS A CLEAR SIGNAL that you were not in his reality right then. He was dealing with "important issues", i.e. his family. It was not the time for a "trivial" quarrel, and/or there was someone listening whom he didn't care to be embarassed in front of. He hung up to end the conversation, and the message is a clear boundary. This discussion is over, and if you keep pushing me, I can cut you off completely. 6. If you consistently have a timeline, "funny how this happens, usually around the 6 week mark, things get blown out of the water for one reason or another", it implies that you have a "self-fulfilling" prophecy going on. You are the only common denominator here. If you believe in your heart that relationships are all about betrayal and abandonment, then after the first glow wears off (sounds like 6 weeks for you) you start to dread the dropping of the other shoe. This dread leads to unattractive behavioral dramas that push away guys who are at a decision point. Their ending of the relationship "proves" you were right all along, none of them can be trusted. Do you see a cycle here? GOOD. Then, stop it!! Accept that relationships develop as they are meant to, and in the right time. Healthy relationships between healthy and mature men and women do not involve a lot of drama or games. 7. If you want to be in a relationship where your thoughts and feelings count, develop close relationships to girlfriends. They actually care, and are verbal about how they feel, and are respectful of your feelings. It doesn't happen overnight with girlfriends, either, but they are a whole lot more accepting than some guy you're trying to date. 8. Don't spend any more time on trying to think of the right game to play to make this guy work out for you. LET GO OF THE SITUATION ENTIRELY, and move on with your own life. If he calls, great. Then you have the choice to be cordial if you feel cordial, or cold if you feel cold. You have the choice to talk to him, or the choice to hang up. If he doesn't call, all the better. Then you know he is not for you, and no more guessing games. The fact is that HE is NOT thinking of how he can play it now. In fact, it sounds like he is not thinking much about you at all. He is busy with his own life. He may make you more of a priority if he gets more involved, but he may not. If you can't enjoy the real "him", he just isn't "the one", or even one of the "top ten". He was just a speed bump on the road of life. However a man treats you during dating is how he will treat you when he is committed, minus five to ten degrees of politeness and consideration. If you don't like the molehill, trust me on this, you won't like the mountain.

vkd62025

Joined: 6/23/2006

Msg: 17 (view)

OP doesn't mind further news...in fact is encouraged... Posted: 2/12/2007 11:39:10 AM
This story has affected me very powerfully, as I live in the area, and have a son and step-son who are Shawn's age. Also, as a Staff Psychologist in one of our State prisons, I facilitated group therapy for sex offenders, and have some sense of what these kids went through. I think Shawn did a phenomenal job of taking care of himself, and the proof is that Shawn is still alive. I greatly fear, as expressed by Shawn's mother, that Shawn's days would have been numbered had the boys not been found. Shawn must have realized that he (literally) was about to outgrow his usefulness to Devlin, and must have had concerns for his life. I think he is to be applauded for doing his best to stay alive in an impossible situation, and I am incredibly happy for his parents who lost everything material during their years of searching for Shawn, but never lost hope. Having seen many heartbreaking stories about abused children over the course of my life, I am happy to finally see one with a happy ending. I am sobered by the realization that the last boy in a similar situation, the model for "My Name is Steven", ended up in a tragic suicide within a few years of his return home. He and his family were unable to pick up the pieces of their shattered lives. We seem to have learned a lot as a society since then, and I think Shawn is being given much better help and support. I along with 10,000 others (and growing) sent an e-mail of support through the Shawn Hornbeck website, to send my best wishes to Shawn and his dedicated family.

vkd62025

Joined: 6/23/2006

Msg: 7 (view)

Really nervous, but ready to listen to a review.... Posted: 1/24/2007 3:47:33 PM
Thanks, Martin... Just goes to show you can't please all the people all the time. Don in Victoria (possibly because he's Canadian) didn't get the reference at all. He thought I should drop the 'by" in the title, so I explained. He suggested I post the verse of the poem that my title came from. That was what I planned to do, but then the poem is so short, I thought I might as well post the whole thing. Taken in entirety, it says something significant about my life and my choices. I appreciate your thoughts on it, and will mull it over some more.

vkd62025

Joined: 6/23/2006

Msg: 38 (view)

Once switched dates mid-way through?? Posted: 1/19/2007 9:20:48 AM
I used to work for an Arts Council, with a gallery. At one of the openings, my roommate and I met and hit it off with the two artists, and decided to follow up the free food and wine with drinks and dancing at a local hotspot. About an hour into the evening, it became apparent that our dates were crossed. Quick trip to the "office" (powder room) for a pow-wow, and we decided to pull off a switch because she felt the same way. Back with the boys, we changed partners in a "do-si-do" manuever that probably left them gasping in awe, but it salvaged a dull evening that was fast circling down the drain had we not taken evasive action.

vkd62025

Joined: 6/23/2006

Msg: 5 (view)

Really nervous, but ready to listen to a review.... Posted: 1/17/2007 2:26:04 PM
Got a review from DoninVictoria. Implemented a lot of his suggestions. I think it grew like Topsy...but maybe that's all to the good. We'll see. I thought I'd come back to you, and see what you think about the changes.

vkd62025

Joined: 6/23/2006

Msg: 25 (view)

coping with the hardest decision of my life. Posted: 1/17/2007 7:58:27 AM
THE ABSOLUTE BEST piece of advice so far was to consult with a good (or even mediocre) lawyer, RIGHT AWAY, before you do anything else. There is so much variation in the laws from locality to locality...you may do yourself and your children a great deal of harm in the future by making simple mistakes in the heat of the moment. In some places, moving out now could hurt your chances for even shared custody. In other places, it would be irrelevant. "A stitch in time saves nine." Find out your rights and obligations FIRST. Save yourself from piling grief on grief. Also, while online support may be readily available, do look around for groups of real live people in your area. Sometimes it helps just to be with other people who can help you with their strength, hope, and experiences.

vkd62025

Joined: 6/23/2006

Msg: 5 (view)

Ben Ownby and Shawn Hornbeck both found alive. Posted: 1/12/2007 4:16:54 PM
Update: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070112/ap_on_re_us/missing_boy Apparently more charges are pending.

vkd62025

Joined: 6/23/2006

Msg: 2 (view)

could use some help reviewing what I wrote.. I might be on wrong site Posted: 1/12/2007 3:57:33 PM
PoF folks seem more generous than most. You probably do yourself no harm with your profile, but I'd be surprised if you get many takers. Still, stranger things have happened, I suppose. I think the biggest problem you'll have is that most of us are just looking for one person, and you've already got one, so looking for another seems comparatively greedy.

vkd62025

Joined: 6/23/2006

Msg: 1 (view)

Ben Ownby and Shawn Hornbeck both found alive. Posted: 1/12/2007 3:28:01 PM
http://www.ksdk.com/news/news_article.aspx?storyid=110821 Praise and thanks to God for this miracle, and for the alertness of the folks in Missouri who responded to information on the Amber Alert. I tried to keep this to the barest minimum, but had to add more words, so for those not in the St. Louis area, here is the basic info. Shawn disappeared 4 1/2 years ago, and his family has never given up. There have been annual vigils, and events designed to keep people looking for him. Last week, Ben was taken getting off the school bus. Fortunately, two witnesses saw and reported the vehicle that took Ben. Vigorous Amber Alerts have been all over the St. Louis media. Two service men noticed a van in an apartment complex that looked like the Amber Alert vehicle. Police responded, and found both boys alive. Police arrested their kidnapper.

vkd62025

Joined: 6/23/2006

Msg: 3 (view)

Really nervous, but ready to listen to a review.... Posted: 1/12/2007 3:10:17 PM
Thank you, Riley. Changed the verbiage. I'll give some thought to what pics I have in a computer ready format. I generally stay away from close-ups and full body shots, because I'm just not as pretty as I used to be, and I know it...so I just don't have many of those lying around, and the ones I have are not recent. I'll see what I can find.

vkd62025

Joined: 6/23/2006

Msg: 612 (view)

Class action against Yahoo Personals and Match.com for fraud Posted: 1/12/2007 2:54:44 PM
Yahoo was really good until they got greedy. I met a number of nice men in my area, and was really happy with the service, until they started the paid service, and it went downhill quickly. As long as it was free, the people using it were mostly quite sincere, as far as I could tell. Once they started selling subscriptions, the real people gave it up, and the scammers and spammers took over. It's too bad. I hope pof manages to stay free, not just because it doesn't cost me, but because they will do a lot better at maintaining integrity by not selling accounts.

vkd62025

Joined: 6/23/2006

Msg: 1 (view)

Really nervous, but ready to listen to a review.... Posted: 1/12/2007 2:24:44 PM
It's hard for me to ask for help or even feedback, but I see how valuable some of the reviews are, so I'm going to stick my neck out and start a review thread. I've changed my profile several times, in line with the pof "tips". I started with a pretty straightforward profile, telling a lot about who I am. I started getting messaged by 20-30 somethings looking for a quick roll. I understand the "quick roll" mentality, but it isn't where I am, so... Then, I went negative, "please don't contact me if you're...", and I didn't feel very good about the negativity. Then, I read on the tips where it said to "flesh out" what you say, like "I camp out monthly" as opposed to "I like camping". I started to think that the result was too wordy, and also too specific about my interests...when actually I'm willing to try a lot of different things. So, I went back to a shorter and more general narrative. Help!!!

vkd62025

Joined: 6/23/2006

Msg: 12 (view)

Cheaters cheat... Posted: 11/8/2006 1:20:31 PM
That's what they do. It's not because of anything or anyone else, and it is not the situation or circumstances. Cheaters just cheat, and that's it. My ex had a daughter before I met him. He wasn't involved in her life, and we lived in another state. Years later, we moved back to my ex's hometown, and began to form a relationship with my ex's daughter. Fortunately, the daughter's mother was open to this. My son became best friends with his half-sister's little brother. The two boys are the same age, the sister seven years older. Then, fast forward five years...the "step" children's parents divorce, and Dad gets a DNA test...and "low and behold", the son is not HIS. An immediate paternity test forced by the "step" kids' Mom revealed that the father of her son is....my (guess what) now ex-husband. So, my son's best friend is now his brother, and the half-siblings are now full siblings. Need a scorecard? So did we. Fortunately, even though the three kids' father is not in any of their lives, the two mothers work together for the best outcome for the kids. The two boys go together to family activities with either and/or both families. Sometimes all of us get together, like for Christmas. It is a challenge sometimes, but it's all about the kids. Ask this girl to really think about the life she wants for her son. Does she really want constant drama and disappointment? Is that what she is willing for her son's life to be? As for you, back out of it. You do not have clean hands and you know it. You want her to ditch him, and way deep down, you hope she'll be so grateful for your advice and support that she will turn back to you. And she might....but, you won't like it. Gratitude is not love. Give her time to get free from, and then emotionally resolve, her current relationship. You are not in the right place to be her buddy, and it's not the role you are after. Tell her straight up how much you care, tell her you can't be objective, point her to a girlfriend or counselor, and tell her that you hope to hear from her when she is truly free from her current relationship.

vkd62025

Joined: 6/23/2006

Msg: 4 (view)

You have much larger issues than this girl.... Posted: 11/6/2006 1:05:01 PM
It's too bad you met someone who didn't work for you, and that the episode caused so much pain in its wake. Still, the issues here are much larger than "What happened at the party?" and "Was her reason to break up a bogus reason?" You let yourself become completely tied up in this drama, which probably means you need some work on self-awareness, self-esteem, and personal growth. Let's start with the fact that there WAS NO relationship. You dated someone seven months, so she was still a relatively unknown quantity. Then, the two of you hit boundary-breakers back and forth like tennis balls. -You agree to pick her up from a party you weren't invited to attend. -She doesn't call to pick her up. -You call when it's ridiculously late. -She shows that she is drunk....blah, blah; volley, volley. Too much immaturity and irresponsibility here to even go point by point. Then, she says "enough", and you go into a decline, swooning around like a Victorian maiden aunt, and refusing to eat, etc. How silly is that? Sometimes dating works out for us, sometimes it doesn't, but it's always a learning experience. For whatever reason, or for no reason at all, it didn't work for her. Too bad for you, now move on. You don't get to pick for her, and it's fruitless to spend any more time on a toxic situation. It's good for you that she walked out, otherwise you might not have caught on to her until it became serious. It's obvious that you are a person of character, and are hoping for a person of character. That being the case, stop spending time with trashy people, and also stay away from the friends of your co-workers...that's just nuts!!! "Don't get your honey even NEAR to where you get your money!!!" Last point, when you spend this much energy whining about a SO, it's obvious that you are trying to ignore and push back problems of your own. It's a way of diverting yourself from having to deal with your own stuff. Work on your own issues so you become what you are trying to attract.

vkd62025

Joined: 6/23/2006

Msg: 4 (view)

People's agendas don't always fit their publicity.... Posted: 11/6/2006 7:01:26 AM
People have a variety of motives operating all the time, and they are constantly shifting in response to circumstances. It is frequently the case that we just don't know enough about the other person to come to an informed understanding of their behavior. However, this is a situation where understanding does not matter, because he has reached a decision. The causes or influences that led to the decision are irrelevant, the fact is that he has decided that his limited amount of free time is not going to be spent with you. C'est la vie!! Move on. There are plenty of other things for you to do with YOUR limited free time.

vkd62025

Joined: 6/23/2006

Msg: 6 (view)

Hi all.....Please review my Profile. Thank you! Posted: 11/4/2006 9:12:45 AM
I really like your profile. I don't mind that it's about you, more than about what you're looking for, because it shows an openness to possibility. You talk a lot about you and what you're like, but you don't come off as arrogant or narcissistic. These profiles are ads, and ads are about promoting your best qualities to your target audience. You'd never see a beer commercial that says, "We're cold, and taste great, and we're low calorie...so, here's what we're looking for in a buyer." It doesn't offend me when a man says "I'm looking for this-or-that", but I don't need to see it spelled out either, and the instant you start to say "I want this-or-that", you run the risk of saying the wrong thing, or discouraging someone who might be a match from even trying.

vkd62025

Joined: 6/23/2006

Msg: 19 (view)

Yo, Rob.... Posted: 10/3/2006 2:28:09 PM
I'm not one bit stuck up, but if I got an e-mail from you, the first thing I'd do is check your profile, and then I'd see the "Evil-Jesus-Evil" Yahoo screen name, and I'd run like "H-E-double hockey sticks". As it happens, you're also a spring chicken from another country, and each of those factors are deal-breakers, too. There are lots of reasons people respond or don't.

vkd62025

Joined: 6/23/2006

Msg: 65 (view)

is it really over for good? Posted: 8/28/2006 12:45:19 PM
BTW, ImNotTaken, I thought everything you've posted on this issue was useful and right on. I was going to drop you an email to say so, but I'm a year older than your limit...too sad for you!!! Your profile explains a lot about why you say what you say. It's obvious that you've seen something of the world, and have a good frame of reference. You may be on the blunt side compared to the rest of us, but maybe OP can actually HEAR you, the rest of us seem to be background noise.

vkd62025

Joined: 6/23/2006

Msg: 64 (view)

is it really over for good? Posted: 8/28/2006 12:39:16 PM
I love #58, except for that counseling is a bit more than someone with a piece of paper telling her what to do. As it happens, I am a counselor by trade, and I've shared my opinion on what OP should do, but as a layperson, chatting in a forum. If I were her counselor, I'd not offer advice, because I know as a counselor that OP has the answer within herself. I would focus on targeted listening with her, and cause her to explore where all the "what-ifs" lead her to, eventually she would be led to considering her options, and making a conscious choice. I agree with #58, it may be time for outside help, but the best help will not be advice or ready made answers offered by others, she has to come to understand herself in the vision of what she wants for herself as a whole person. The beauty of a forum is that I can save all the time and heartburn, and say what I really think. It's over, move on, make a life for yourself. All the time and energy diverted to this relationship keeps OP from dealing with the larger issues of who she wants to be in her life.

vkd62025

Joined: 6/23/2006

Msg: 4 (view)

The Pay Dating Sites are a ripoff Posted: 8/28/2006 12:18:18 PM
Hey, now, I agree with OP. And, please, be nice to POF...this is a terrific service, and it's exactly what you make of it. I used to meet some really nice people from Yahoo, but once they started charging for the service, I never heard from anyone but spammers and scammers. I'm not sure if the paying customers have a better response, because I refused to pay for it. OP's experience as a paying customer pretty much confirms my unpaid experience. Since they started charging, the financial incentive is for scams, and the financial disincentive is for sincere people trying to meet someone.

vkd62025

Joined: 6/23/2006

Msg: 22 (view)

What do you do if the guy you are in love with is addicted to drugs? Posted: 8/28/2006 12:09:37 PM
AA has two kinds of meetings, "open" and "closed". Family members can attend "open" meetings and see for themselves what it is like. I have known a number of "AA's" in my years in Al-Anon, and attended some open AA meetings myself, and have not found them to be as described. If the posters above got their ideas about AA from the alcoholics, then they need to remember that the alcoholic who doesn't want to work on his addiction has a vested interest in causing the spouse and family to resent the AA program. The fact is, the alcoholic's behavior is the alcoholic's choice, and to the best of my understanding there is no sponsor anywhere in AA that advises any member as to how many meetings that member needs or how often, or any of those other claims. If an AA sponsor so far forgets his/her role as to start to nag the member, all the member has to do is replace the sponsor.

vkd62025

Joined: 6/23/2006

Msg: 20 (view)

What do you do if the guy you are in love with is addicted to drugs? Posted: 8/28/2006 11:55:56 AM
Al-Anon is also helpful, if alcohol is one of the addictions. Al-Anon helps the family members of alcoholics to sort out their lives, and start to make decisions in their own best interests. I am not familiar with C.A., but it sounds like a similar program for family members. Maybe who ever suggested C.A. could tell us more about it. The gist of what I learned in Al-Anon over the course of five years is that what he does with his life is up to him, and out of my control. I control what I do with MY life, my choices about my circumstances. Of course, my first choice when we were together would have been for HIM to change, but that choice was not mine to make. When I started to focus on my choices, I was amazed at all the options I had. Ultimately, I decided to leave, but I stayed for a long time, and tried everything I knew to make it work. Unfortunately, life with an addict is like "one hand clapping". It's only about appearances, nothing real is happening. I agree with the very first answer, if the WAY HE IS RIGHT NOW works for you, then quit nagging at him or making excuses for him, and love him the best as you can until (unless) you decide you can't stand him any more. If the WAY HE IS NOW does not work for you, choose to do something with YOUR life that does work for you. Think it through. Get help for YOURSELF. Grant yourself peace and grant peace to your children, either with him, or without him.

vkd62025

Joined: 6/23/2006

Msg: 20 (view)

is it really over for good? Posted: 8/25/2006 1:40:17 PM
Hmmmm. "Mean, *****y, & selfish." All those things fit with being 23. You'll have good days and you'll have bad days, and as time goes on, you'll learn more about keeping yourself in harmony, no matter what is going on around you. Be busy! Be happy! Be strong! Yes, it's over for you and the ex. Something fundamental is not working for one or both of you, and it won't suddenly start working. You may get back together, but you'll break up again, and every time it gets harder. Your Monday meetings have just been distracting you from moving on. There are plenty of fish in the sea, keep fishing.

vkd62025

Joined: 6/23/2006

Msg: 9 (view)

Married Relationships Outside of your Partner Posted: 8/25/2006 8:48:04 AM
YAY!!!! Score one for common sense, viaisback. Couldna said it better!!

vkd62025

Joined: 6/23/2006

Msg: 7 (view)

is it really over for good? Posted: 8/25/2006 8:43:48 AM
It's over. It's BEEN OVER since you became "ex's", the Monday night dates only cloud the issue. You have been asking yourself the wrong questions, "How long until we get our Monday nights back? Can HE see you getting back together sometime in the future? Is this new girl better for HIM than you are? If we (meaning HE) tried again, wouldn't it work this time? Does all this mean we are done for good?". Since you are asking the wrong questions, you keep coming up with useless and circular answers that keep you confused and paralyzed. What is wrong with these questions? They are all questions about issues outside of your control. Please substitute some questions about YOUR life, that have to do with YOUR options, and deal with elements under YOUR control, and then ACT for YOURSELF. Choose your own peace and happiness. Here are the questions that will move you forward like a conveyor belt: "What can I do for ME that is enjoyable and fulfilling, using my newly freed-up Monday nights? Can I imagine myself ever getting entangled in any relationship where someone takes me so much for granted that I have an assigned night of the week to see them? What do I want to do for myself in my future to make my life exciting and purposeful to ME? How can I focus my dating to identify healthy and emotionally available men? Am I being what I hope to attract? Are my friends and my hangouts healthy, full of positive people engaged in meaningful pursuits? What needs to change in my life in order for me to be happy, healthy, and busy in my single life? Why in the world was I ever considering a return to a dead end relationship with a self-absorbed, emotionally unavailable player?"

vkd62025

Joined: 6/23/2006

Msg: 17 (view)

Put in your favorite quote from movies or tv shows. Posted: 8/18/2006 12:32:01 PM
From Cool Hand Luke... The nasty redneck sheriff tells the Paul Newman character: "What we have here, boy, is a failure to communicate".

vkd62025

Joined: 6/23/2006

Msg: 8 (view)

How to let someone down easy Posted: 8/14/2006 3:45:50 PM
My friend got involved with a younger man with issues. Eventually he grew into the relationship and is an absolute rock, but both of them went through a lot of stuff to get there. My thought is why put yourself and him through a bunch of changes on the off chance that eventually you'll be great together? Worse yet, if you have no hope of that, why would you be willing to lose precious time? Or take up his precious time? You sound scared to let go, even though you know it's wrong, and that's a painful form of dishonesty that just isn't worth it. When I learned to water-ski, the last thing my best friend said to me was, "this is the most important point, if it doesn't feel right in every way, LET GO OF THE ROPE." He was so right to say that, because it didn't feel right, I let go, and my friends came back around and picked me up. Another girl that ski-ed with us later in the summer didn't get that wise guidance, and when it all went wrong, she was afraid to let go of the rope. We couldn't stop pulling her without the fear of her crashing into the boat. We all signalled her to let go, but she was far too scared. She bumped, bumped, bumped along...and nearly drowned before she finally fell off the rope so we could come back and get her. So, let go of the rope without fear. You have life preservers all around you, and you will not drown by letting go, but you may be pulled under if you don't.

vkd62025

Joined: 6/23/2006

Msg: 74 (view)

Would you consider this cheating? Posted: 8/14/2006 3:34:54 PM
My close friend in Manhattan says it best, "If you don't like the molehill, you won't like the mountain." Honesty is as honesty does. Part of the issue was investing too much too soon, but I do see that decision-making becomes quicker as we mature. I know I really appreciate honest information, so I can make rational decisions, and I believe with all my heart that I have to be what I plan to attract.

vkd62025

Joined: 6/23/2006

Msg: 30 (view)

Found husband on this site & many others Posted: 8/9/2006 9:15:12 AM
Your body knows, sweetheart, listen to your gut. My ex was a constant cheater, and VERY accomplished at hiding it. I knew our marriage was not what it should be, but I didn't think he was lying or cheating, I thought I was losing my mind. My body kept trying to tell me. I had stomachaches, asthma attacks, back problems. My hair fell out in hunks and lost its sheen. My concentration and memory problems were hampering me at work. I had panic attacks. I thought I was having heart attacks. I was terrified I might have cancer. What I had was a big case of fooling myself. He is a liar and a cheat. His stories really did not add up, and I am not crazy. I am the picture of health now that he is out of my life. Sometimes it is lonely to be single, but not as lonely as marriage to someone who is not your friend, not your lover, not even a person you admire. Bail now, and save yourself tons of grief. You are risking your health and sanity with every contact you have with him. I promise you it isn't worth the cost. Also, if you have or want children, this level of disrespect to you is not the example you want for them.

vkd62025

Joined: 6/23/2006

Msg: 45 (view)

if your ex cheated on you, and left you for that person Posted: 8/9/2006 7:39:34 AM
No way!!! Say "buh-bye" and mean it. Don't flinch. This is not a person who is available for a mutual adult relationship. This is a person who can not stand to be alone. When your relationship encountered stress, your partner hid from it through cheating. Once the cheating relationship became primary, it was not an escape any more, and it ended. Now you look like a refuge, a safe port in the storm. Your ex needs to get a life before being involved with anyone else. Don't try it again unless something real has changed, and this person has started accepting responsiblity in all areas of life. Understand though, that if your ex finally grows up and gets healthy you might not still have anything in common. If your ex hooked up with you because you are a great enabler, then finding health will drive the ex in a new direction. Meantime, move forward with your life. You don't need all the drama.

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