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 Author Thread: Does daddy help support me?
 chocolatenutt
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 132 (view)
 
Does daddy help support me?
Posted: 5/7/2009 10:31:06 AM

I fully believe that both parties that created a child have a responsibility to that child. Even if it is an unplanned pregnancy


That means that every child would grow up with the birth parents and no children would be adopted out--which could be in their best interests AND their parents' best interest. What is most acceptable and appropriate depends on each circumstance.
 chocolatenutt
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 127 (view)
 
Does daddy help support me?
Posted: 5/6/2009 12:02:20 PM
A couple things:

Have you ever thought that if you didn't seek the support and ignored the dad entirely and raised your son as if his father didn't matter at all, your son may feel that way too
Allsoul

Actually, I have done exactly that in the raising of my child. I answered her questions as honestly, simply and kindly as I could when she asked them and, otherwise, did not mention her father and certainly didn't criticize him or talk money. In November, my daughter tried to make contact with her father behind my back (because she thought contacting him up would hurt my feelings) We are going through problems in our home this winter that I would never have imagined. I think different approaches are different with each individual child and that there is no one right way to handle any issue.


They had a choice. The same one i did. As was shoved down my throat on these very forums, I had a choice I didn't have to sleep with him, well then so did he. Choose to have sex, then you are responsible for the outcome, like it or not, want it or not
notinnocent

I don't agree with this statement. Yes, both people (at least in normal circumstances) make the choice to have sex which can lead to pregnancy. BUT only one person has the legal right to decide what happens to that pregnancy, and that's the woman. You and I don't HAVE to be parents, we choose to be. We could have given our children up for adoption or had an abortion--instead we chose to be Mom's and accept all the joys, responsibilities and heartaches that go along with that conscious decision. Men are very rarely given that same choice. If you choose to keep your baby, you automatically have the legal right to sue for child support--he never has the opportunity to give his child up for adoption or have an abortion, he has to abide with whatever the woman decides.

At the end of the day, the point of this thread was discussing child support with your children. I agree with the comments that all discussion about another parent should be kept simple, to the point and tactful. It's not the child's job to deal with issues between parents. I also don't feel it's appropriate to tell your child the other parent loves them--it's rubbish and the relationship between them is between them, not you, and we have no business giving false impressions when the other parent clearly doesn't love them or they'd be making some effort for them.

Nutt
 ChocolateNutt
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 95 (view)
 
Do you snoop on the one you like/love?
Posted: 4/15/2009 11:14:32 AM
Nope, not a snooper. My ex bought me a gift and left it in his bag on my bed and couldn't understand why I didn't find it. Uh, cause I don't look through you're stuff?/ lol
 chocolatenutt
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 26 (view)
 
Did you ever attempt to reconcile with your ex?
Posted: 3/29/2009 2:03:32 PM
I will attempt to work out differences while we're together, but once he/I call things quits, NEVER. I just think there's a reason you split. If you go back, you'll just end up in the same hurtful situation. Even if that person has changed, it may not change the way he treats you.

Nutt
 chocolatenutt
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 25 (view)
 
Did you ever attempt to reconcile with your ex?
Posted: 3/29/2009 2:01:45 PM
I will attempt to work out differences while we're together, but once he/I call things quits, NEVER. I just think there's a reason you split. If you go back, you'll just end up in the same hurtful situation. Even if that person has changed, it may not change the way he treats you.

Nutt
 chocolatenutt
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 59 (view)
 
When the pain ended he returned
Posted: 3/25/2009 11:56:32 AM
You people need to apologize for your comments about her typing and your name-calling. Different people come from different places and have different levels of education. University degrees, grammar and English are not requirements of posters or of anyone using the dating site. Pick on her personal choices, if you want, but not the language--that's childish and more low class than her typing.

Nutt
 chocolatenutt
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 15 (view)
 
I have one 8 month old and she never seen her father... should I make the effort again??
Posted: 3/24/2009 4:04:12 PM
No, there's no point in complicating your child's life and emotions trying to force contact with a parent who's not interested. Setting up dates and appointments between them only for him not to show is far more harmful than leaving him out altogether.

If you can give your child a decent life without the child support, I would suggest you do it on your own. Struggling to collect from a parent may add stress, anger and unpleasantness to both your and your child's life--if you don't need the money, why be constantly upset and hurt over it.

Nutt
 chocolatenutt
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 114 (view)
 
Was I out of line on boobs??
Posted: 3/24/2009 3:59:58 PM
I don't think your comment was out of line or rude. It may not have been something she thought about when she posted the photos, and it never hurts to give a person something to think about so long as you don't do it in a rude way.

I can see the point the person made who noted that the woman in the photo asks people not to comment about her boobs, and then you did.

Six of one, half dozen of another. I really don't think the issue is important enough for you to worry about. You did what you thought was a nice gesture, move on and don't worry about her reaction or the other posters opinion. It's done.

Nutt
 chocolatenutt
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 37 (view)
 
When the pain ended he returned
Posted: 3/24/2009 3:49:53 PM
conflictd: the other poster's point was that it is illegal for an adult man to be involved with a 14 year old girl (which is the age you would have been 8 years ago if you're 22 now). That makes him a pervert. How would you feel if an adult man was messing around with your 14-year old daughter? As a mother, I'd be very angry that an adult man is taking advantage of a child that way. You should be happy iceman and the other poster's are worried about your welfare.

Nutt
 chocolatenutt
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 26 (view)
 
When the pain ended he returned
Posted: 3/24/2009 9:08:27 AM
Let me get this straight: this "older man" ditched you when you needed support the most, and now that you have things handled, Mr. Fairweather is back? Send him packing. Every one of us deserves to have someone who can handle "for better or worse", don't waste your time, energy, emotions on the person who sticks around when times are easy but runs away when times are tough.

Nutt
 chocolatenutt
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 5 (view)
 
The Sexless Long Term Relationship
Posted: 3/16/2009 11:15:55 AM
You seem to think it was YOUR decision to end this relationship. Doesn't he have just as much choice in all the relationship decisions? Maybe he is just as happy that the relationship has ended and he's free to pursue his interests and desires.
 chocolatenutt
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 43 (view)
 
Wonderful child care provider but........boundaries?
Posted: 3/9/2009 11:42:06 AM
jaxi I think you are making a mistake. Your child is initiating the kiss because he/she is looking for some TLC, so telling her to rebuff him is depriving him of some contact that he feels he needs. And he is a baby after all, he should be getting his needs met, not yours.

Also, to alienate your childcare provider, who is "great," will not be in your or your child's best interest--she's not hurting the child and she has an important and emotional relationship with your child (which IS in everyone's best interests). So long as there's no funny business going on, I think you should thank your lucky stars they have such a nice relationship.

This is a short phase that your child is going through; it will be over before you know it so keep your response appropriate. There are far more serious issues to come.


their children kissing other people on the mouths.


No, I don't want my child being intimate and overly friendly with just anyone, but this is not a stranger we are referring to, this is a primary care giver who cares for your child--and thank God for that, don't you think?

Nutt
 chocolatenutt
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 26 (view)
 
dog owners - i need advice please
Posted: 3/8/2009 8:59:21 PM
Actually, mello, it depends a little on the animal's personality, but more whether the dog is getting what it needs: attention, exercise, duties if they are working dogs. Many dogs that have behavioural issues can be repaired by more exercise. Dogs that are stuck in a home or yard and don't receive companionship or their required level of exercise often become misbehaved, from barky to destructive to aggressive. Even in my own home, I've noticed a change in my Jack Russell's behaviour. We normally play dog sports and do a lot of walking, but this winter has had an abnormally large number of extremely cold days (-30 to -4* C) and so we've been making do with some fetch in the house. Her behaviour has become much barkier than normal because she's not receiving the exercise she needs and is accustomed to having.

Nutt
 chocolatenutt
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 21 (view)
 
dog owners - i need advice please
Posted: 3/8/2009 7:04:13 AM
divine, dogs are social animals. Being left in the yard with no company and able to semi-see the people through the fences is what's making that poor German Shepherd bark. Dogs, unless working on a job like hunting or guarding/herding livestock) are considered pets and should be kept indoors with the family. That will keep the neighbourhood happy and give your pet the life it deserves.

Nutt
 chocolatenutt
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 49 (view)
 
Should Single Parents be allowed to have invitro?
Posted: 3/7/2009 1:43:12 PM

You do not know the situation.


And you do? I guess I didn't know you've been best friends with this woman the whole time and know every detail. If that's not the case, you don't know any more than any other poster, and from your posts, I'd say significantly less.


She did not CREATE the embryos AFTER she had six children. They were already created. She thought her only options were to transfer them or to destroy them


Woman you have to stop making shit up. You don't know any of that, you've decided it in your own head based on your personal values. A bad mother is someone who has chooses to have children without the ability to care for them and provide for them. The woman's mother has indicated that she would rather NOT be the primary care giver for all these children and that it's not very pleasant to have her lazy, selfish and irresponsible daughter using her and her three-bedroom apartment for her own purposes. (ok the lazy,selfish and irresponsible are my words not the mother's, but I think they fit)

I don't have a problem with welfare. In fact, I used it myself for several months after becoming a single mother. However, I have paid into that program out of my paycheque for much longer than I used the program. There is a big difference between using something to get back on your feet and using it in place of effort and career.

lansmom, I agree with most of your personal values. I am prolife myself--I have practiced that in my own choices and stood up for those values in public. However, you can't make stuff up to pretend someone else's situation fits with those values. This woman did not make any of the choices she did because they were the "right" thing to do, she did it for financial gain and a life of ease.

Nutt
 chocolatenutt
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 41 (view)
 
Should Single Parents be allowed to have invitro?
Posted: 3/7/2009 7:40:11 AM
lansmom, there's no reason for you to think that not implanting the embryos means she's killing them. They can stay on ice indefinitely or be implanted in other women who can't have their own children for whatever reason. There are many, many options open than having children she cannot support or give the time and attention they need.

Having said that, you are putting YOUR spin on this. I don't believe for one second this woman had more children so the embryos wouldn't be discarded. She did it hoping the shock value would enable her to live a comfortable life off the media attention and gifts/donations.

genipher: the problem isn't only that she will be relying on public support for these children, the problem is that she can't give them any of the support they require: financial, emotional, physical. Most parents struggle to provide for twins or triplets, and this woman has 8!!

Most fertility clinics implant multiple embryos because some usually die because there has been fertility issues in the past. Having 6 children already should make it obvious this woman isn't having fertility problems and indicate that she doesn't need the multiple embryos.

Nutt
 chocolatenutt
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 36 (view)
 
Should Single Parents be allowed to have invitro?
Posted: 3/6/2009 8:55:55 AM
lansmom,

This woman is unable to care for the six children she already has. That's the reason for the outcry against her having more children.

Nutt
 chocolatenutt
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 105 (view)
 
Changing perceptions of the father
Posted: 3/5/2009 10:37:43 AM

that no child should be subjected to any form of abuse and any parent abusing a child should have their legal rights to access to that child removed.


Edited:

The problem with that is everyone has a different view of what abuse is and many of those views are extreme. I've read in threads about troubled children suggestions that child needs a whipping or some other type of beating. On the other hand, and just as extreme is the positive parenting thread, there have been comments that any type of discipline is abuse--my belief is that no discipline is an abuse.

As you say, every case needs to be evaluated individually on it's own merits rather than generalized.

Nutt
 chocolatenutt
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 97 (view)
 
He's in Iraq ..
Posted: 3/3/2009 3:37:07 PM

We should not consider respect as some kind of bianry equasion. That a person needs to be respected on all levels...or not at all.


I'm sorry, I don't agree with this revilors. I think we can have friends whom we love dearly but don't agree with or respect all their values and personal choices. There are many degrees of respect: I have a girlfriend of 30 years who is smart, interesting, fun, financially responsible, provides a good home and balanced diet for her family but who drinks heavily. I appreciate all of her except her drinking--one trait out of all that I don't respect doesn't mean that I should toss this woman out of my life. Being able to tolerate differences and accept negatives along with positives is part of being a compassionate person and a friend in my opinion.

In your second paragraph you contradict yourself by noting that you respect a serving soldier in that capacity but may not respect him as an individual if he were cheating on his wife.

You've underlined my whole point that people are individuals and have good or bad characteristics and cannot be judged by one aspect of their lives. That being a good soldier doesn't necessarily mean that person is a good husband or father or friend. That's the whole point I was trying to make!!

Nutt
 chocolatenutt
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 94 (view)
 
He's in Iraq ..
Posted: 3/3/2009 8:53:51 AM

Nutt.Nutt.Nutt. You turned so angry and bitter so quickly. Really sounds like you had a control freak in your life, once upon a time....no?


No I haven't had a control freak in my life. And I'm not angry or bitter--you are because you cannot accept that people are individuals and some are good and some are not based on personality. I'm not sure how many times I have to say the same thing--I guess you are just not capable of understanding straight typing. I'm sorry for you that you are such a manipulative person you have to twist every reasonable comment into an insult against the poster and that you're incapable of understanding basic comments.

The point I've made again and again is that some people are good and some people are not and all of us have some of both in us. It's that simple. There is no underlying issue, there is no judgmentalism (you should try that).


Do they not deserve a certain amount of respect.


No more than anyone else--not every one goes into the army to serve: some go for excitement, for money, for the early retirement. Ever heard of every day heroes? The people who live a normal life and have normal jobs but do extraordinary actions (like pulling people out of a burning home or car wreck). According to you that person doesn't deserve respect until he actually does that extraordinary thing just because he doesn't wear a uniform. You are also saying that putting on a uniform automatically makes that person a hero. That's completely absurd. AGAIN: some people are good and some people are not.

Do you get it yet? Some people are good and some are not. This does not depend on the career, religion or colour. It depends on the individual person's personality, values and life choices. Don't judge the character of people you don't know whether that judgement is positive or negative.

I won't bother with any further response to you sunshine to try to clarify. If you can't get the same point repeated over and over and over, you never will and that's not my problem.

Nutt
 chocolatenutt
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 82 (view)
 
He's in Iraq ..
Posted: 3/2/2009 6:22:01 PM

Are you mental or did you just forget to take you antidepressants???


Why? Because I tell the truth and don't jump to the conclusion that someone's an angel because of his/her career choice?


You have like 5 or 6 new posts in your last comment off subject- why dont you start creating a new thread in "I am a Sour Manhater" because no one cares if your date f***ed around on you before you met- how is that even relevant???


No intelligent person could possibly call me a manhater for pointing out that you should judge every person as an individual. It's ludicrous to decide that a man you've never met and know nothing about is a hero because he's on a mission in the military--some men are great and some are not and that's not dependent on their career.

Also my comments were not at all offtopic. You and others like you are stating that the OP is in the wrong because she doesn't choose to let one person run her life--if this weren't a man in the military, people would be calling him controlling and saying he's on the course to be an abuser. In fact it's been said many times in many other threads on this forum.

Secondly, my ex couldn't F*** around on me because we hadn't even met yet. The point to THAT was that this "angel" you are raving about could be over there skanking around at the same time he's telling his OP at home that she's not allowed to talk to men. The point was that men who are in other countries are not necessarily living the lives of angels. I have a female cousin who went to Afghanistan and came home talking about the bedhopping going on--and that was just in fellow military people never mind consorting with the locals.

My posts are pointing out that you cannot generalize about a group of people, but take each person as an individual, and that the rules of society apply not according to geographical location but to all relationships. E.g. it is wrong to cheat on your partner whether they are at home while you`re out or in another country working; it is wrong to try to control your partner`s friendships whether you are at home or in another country. Have I typed that often enough for it to sink in, yet, or do you want me to do a whole post with just the same comment?

Nutt
 chocolatenutt
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 74 (view)
 
He's in Iraq ..
Posted: 3/2/2009 2:00:49 PM
revilors, you need some counselling. And so does Ohio and Sunshine.

I have respect for the bravery that people (newsflash: women go to war these days as well). But imagining these people are angels because they've chosen that career is a joke. Did you know that military men and police officers have the highest rate of abusing their spouses? Are you one of those sickos that think those women must deserve it?

And don't think every man who goes off to another country is behaving like a gentleman there. Check out the birthrate in European countries after the world wars of women who got pregnant by men who were at war, only to have the men go home and never see them again.

I dated a man who went overseas on peacekeeping missions before we met. He told me he slept around like there was no tomorrow while there and opportunity was endless because he was a "hero."

I'm not saying that the OP's boyfriend is anything but a great guy, but there's no call for you to abuse her when you've never even met him!

Nutt
 chocolatenutt
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 58 (view)
 
He's in Iraq ..
Posted: 3/2/2009 10:51:23 AM
good choice bronwyn. At the end of the day, allowing your partner's insecurities to manipulate both of you will not do him any favours. He's just going to have to work through them, come home and be validated that you are trustworthy.

Nutt
 chocolatenutt
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 52 (view)
 
He's in Iraq ..
Posted: 3/2/2009 10:35:33 AM
ohio are you saying that all the men friends you have now, you would discontinue being friends with? What kind of friend does that make you? If you can't be loyal to all the people who are important to you, why would your potential partner expect you to be loyal to him? As I said, it's one thing to pick up men and/or invite men to your home for private visits and quite reasonable to be out in public with a male friend you've known the whole time.

Very strange ideals.

Nutt
 chocolatenutt
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 49 (view)
 
He's in Iraq ..
Posted: 3/2/2009 10:22:03 AM
edited:


I don't know. How about lying?


I can't imagine lying will improve the trust in their relationship in any way. When he gets back, it's bound to slip somehow, sometime that she's spent time with her guy friends, and then how is her partner going to think and feel. Absolutely, not acceptable.


...So what's that all about??? Have you not already found this man who is fighting for your country?
WHO in their right mind would tell a guy who is homesick, missing her etc that she has made a lot of male friendships since he has been away? OR The fact that she has maintained friendships with guys whilst he is away.?


Are you people out of your minds? His being in the military does NOT mean that he's the right person for the OP, there are a lot of factors in love and compatibility that are not defined by either person's career but their personalities and values. In fact, it doesn't even mean that he is a good person--there are good and bad people operating in EVERY career from military, police, emergency services to nurses, waitresses, couriers, etc.

People's lives do not stop because their partner has gone overseas. We are still all required to go to work, look after children and pets, be a friend to our friends regardless of their gender. There's a big difference between going for a drink with a male friend (or group of friends, some of whom are male) and having an affair. It's not the OP's fault that other people's partners are cheating--it's the cheaters' fault only. It's ridiculous that the OP is getting the advice to end friendships because her partner is feeling insecure.

I feel a better option is to inform him that nothing has changed. These people are your friends, he is your lover and you can't wait for him to come home. Indicate that it hurts you that he's comparing you and your relationship with him to the women who aren't behaving very nicely. Be loving and supportive but firm.

Nutt
 chocolatenutt
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 30 (view)
 
Should Single Parents be allowed to have invitro?
Posted: 3/2/2009 10:18:41 AM
fly eyes that post doesn't totally make sense. You indicate that children need two-parent families, which is a perfectly reasonable opinion, but before that, you indicate married parents shouldn't have invitro either. I would think that married parents count as a two-parent family, so what did that mean exactly?

Nutt
 ChocolateNutt
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 8 (view)
 
Trust Issues
Posted: 2/27/2009 7:15:58 PM
dunno blk I had no problem with my last partner going out with the guys. In fact, I encouraged it--I like having the house to myself for a bit of time regularly.

Nutt
 chocolatenutt
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 88 (view)
 
Changing perceptions of the father
Posted: 2/26/2009 6:32:29 PM
I've posted that type of comment in many of the same forums you post in. I'm very familiar with you as a poster.

Yes, unless there is a reason that arrangement is not in the child's best interests (say one parent is abusing drugs or alcohol or endangering the child's welfare in some other way), parents who oppose it are being selfish.

Nutt
 chocolatenutt
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 86 (view)
 
Changing perceptions of the father
Posted: 2/26/2009 3:58:16 PM

If the system isn't flawed why the strong resistence from women's groups towards shared parenting?


I think I answered that in the post you're criticizing. There is resistance because the people are flawed and making choices out of their own selfishness rather than the children's best interests. I can't imagine that my point wasn't plain!

Nutt
 ChocolateNutt
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 81 (view)
 
Changing perceptions of the father
Posted: 2/26/2009 10:38:57 AM
[quotebut our system is painfully flawed. There needs to be access to co-parenting support for all parents

It's not the system. It's the people who are painfully flawed. It's terrible that we need to be "regulated" by an authority figure before we do what's right for our children, which in the majority is shared access between parents who cooperate reasonable with each other for the benefit of the kids.

Nutt
 chocolatenutt
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 22 (view)
 
Should Single Parents be allowed to have invitro?
Posted: 2/25/2009 7:45:15 PM

If a person has the capacity to love and support a child then they have every right to have some.


I agree exactly. I do not believe that there should EVER be more than one egg implanted in a woman expecting to be a single parent. Two-parent families struggle to care for twin babies, never mind a single mom.

It was completely irresponsible and selfish for this woman to be choosing to bear more children when she already has multiple children she cannot support or love on her own. I believe that she was hoping to be a commodity and that her life would be paid for by companies/media/public for such an outrageous decision.

It was completely irresponsible for the doctor to implant ANY eggs into a woman who is clearly unable to make reasonable decisions for the welfare of her children--HE/SHE should have the physician license revoked at the very least and legal action wouldn't be amiss, either.

Nutt
 chocolatenutt
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 2 (view)
 
Now what's worse?
Posted: 2/25/2009 7:38:19 PM
1. having no car--I don't want to be the person always doing the running around, I want a partner who can share tasks and responsibilities

2. neither is acceptable

3. the ex-girlfriend should be asked not to continue contact in that way, I'd have to determine the reason no one else went out with him

4. skinny is not appealing

5. I don't care where he lives so long as I am not expected to don that lifestyle at any time.
 chocolatenutt
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 72 (view)
 
Genocide in Africa and Sudan
Posted: 2/25/2009 5:10:11 PM

If you want to stop a mass murder in progress, check out the Congo. Why the press isn't covering that is beyond me, but perhaps there's no public interest (ie. advertising money) in covering such a disaster. Maybe I'm too cynical.


The press doesn't cover tragedies and global events because Britney Spear, Heath Ledger and Lindsay Lohan sell more papers, magazines and advertising.

Nutt
 chocolatenutt
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 109 (view)
 
Appropriate behaviour before & during a date
Posted: 2/25/2009 4:21:04 PM

I've had to train myself not to touch people on the forearm when I talk.


I can see that not everyone would be comfortable being touched. But I think there's a big difference between touching someone's forearm during a conversation and patting your date on the ass during your first meeting.


it is like people can not control their urges


I don't think it's can't, I think it's "don't believe they should have to." I had a man message me here with a sexual message right off the bat. My response was "if you met a lady at the mall or some other location, is that the first thing you'd say to her?" or if a friend introduced you to a woman would that be your first comment to her? If not, it's inappropriate for that to be your first comment to a woman online. I feel that we should be treating people online the way you would at the same stage of a relationship offline. This is not a virtual reality created to give anyone cheap thrills--we are all real people.

I realize there are people of both genders who are interested in some titillation, and that's fine, but I think there's usually some interaction that leads people to believe the other person would accept or enjoy being sexy before you go for the gusto.

Having said that, I agree with the posters who comment the OP is somewhat responsible for her own situation. If someone contacts you in ways you feel are inappropriate, meeting is obviously more likely to validate the person's impression that it's acceptable than improve the behaviour.
Nutt
 chocolatenutt
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 63 (view)
 
Changing perceptions of the father
Posted: 2/22/2009 7:18:33 AM
rustic, rustic, rustic,

Don't think I'm arguing that both parents aren't equally important. I think that's always been my comment. What I said is: there is no other parent. That's the way life is, and to imagine that Mom is going to run out and marry so there can be a Dad or hire a Dad is ridiculous. (Just as Dad is not going to run out and marry or hire a surrogate Mom) You cannot trust that you are going to pick the right person who is going to be safe or compatible with the child, so we just have to suck it up and do the best we can on our own.

Also, just having Dad does not mean that son is going to relate to Dad any better than he does Mom as having Mom doesn't mean that daughter is going to relate better to her than she does Dad. In fact, I believe that many girls relate better to a man during parts of their lives than they do to Mom. I've seen just as many boys walking away from Dad unhappy as you're describing they walk away from Mom--just because the personality is not compatible.

My point is: giving your perfect family life is just not reasonable in many cases. And even having what you feel is perfect--providing both parents--doesn't solve the problems of miscommunication and confusion lots of times.

Nutt
 chocolatenutt
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 40 (view)
 
Only answer with comments I want to hear, this wasn't a real question just something to chat about!
Posted: 2/21/2009 9:44:49 AM
hey package

Let it go. I know you well in forumland, enjoy your posts and respect you. You know starting a thread will result in posts that don't agree with ours and the ones who are downright offensive and/or unreasonable. Ignore those posts you feel are negative and don't let them get to you or outweigh the helpful positive posts.

Best wishes,

Nutt
 ChocolateNutt
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 27 (view)
 
Dumbest Question Known to Man
Posted: 2/18/2009 11:08:04 AM
Hey package.

I often get home and take a drink into the bathroom with me--it's my five minutes to relax before taking on responsibilities for child and pets who have either been home all day or for an hour and are ready to mob Mom with details about the day and for attention.

I also take a glass of wine and a couple chocolates into a bubble bath with me for a treat. Not regularly but it's certainly relaxing to soak with wine to sip and a good book to read when I need some energizing or stress relief.

Nutt
 ChocolateNutt
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 43 (view)
 
Changing perceptions of the father
Posted: 2/18/2009 11:03:17 AM
Ok Rustic, I didn't have the patience to read your whole post--maybe I can come back to it later when I'm feeling a little better. I just have to tell you that not all children have two parents, so the idea that you let both parents take their own roles in the children's lives is not always applicable. My child's father chose not to acknowledge her. That's just the way it is and I have no control over his personal choices. Some children have had a parent pass away. Father figure and mother figure roles are equally important and so I do have to be both to my child.

Nutt
 chocolatenutt
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 24 (view)
 
Dumbest Question Known to Man
Posted: 2/17/2009 3:49:02 PM
hey deal, your son will be fine.

I've read a lot of articles about the kitchen having more germs than your toilet seat.

Nutt
 chocolatenutt
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 106 (view)
 
Mother loses custody for alienating kids from their father
Posted: 2/14/2009 6:38:40 AM
my last post was a personal note to the OP based on my experiences going through a difficult divorce many years ago with my ex


Well your personal experience isn't the OP's lizbeth. That doesn't make a lick of sense. All situations are different. The OP never once indicated that the man is causing the children to show curiosity.


Children don't automatically wake up one day and learn how to ask leading questions with the end goal of waanting one of their parents trash the other


Nor did the OP give any impression that the children want her to criticize the father. They are asking questions because they are curious (and ALL children are curious, to suggest otherwise is absurd) about their parents' relationship or lack thereof. I find absolutely NOTHING strange about that, in fact I've never met any parent whose children did not have concerns about their parents splitting up or not being together in the first place or even hoping that the parents relationship will resume.

The only problem with the questions they're asking is that the answer to them is derogatory to the other parent which the OP wants to avoid. The kids ask why aren't you with Daddy, the answer is he beat me up a lot. That's not knowledge I would want to burden my child with, either. My child used to ask about her father when she was small, do you think I should have told her that her Dad slept with other women, refused to acknowledge she exists and had a baby with someone else a couple months after she was born? There's no way in hell, I would have hurt my 4-8 year old with that kind of information. She's never met her father, so you certainly can't allege he encouraged her to ask questions that would cause me to be negative about him--she asked because she was a child curious about her parents and family. There was no deep, dark conspiracy any more than there is for the OP.

The problem with your posts is that you are often looking at a subject from the most narrow, negative point of view that you can find. And you often don't type in complete sentences or whole thoughts instead choosing disjointed fragments. And it doesn't seem to matter what the topic, you'll find some way to turn it into man vs woman and man being in the wrong.

Nutt
 chocolatenutt
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 54 (view)
 
How far away is too far away to have a relationship?
Posted: 2/14/2009 6:31:11 AM

I am with her though. 30 minutes? You must live in a small town. I remember someone who went to visit a friend and said, "It only took 45 minutes."


There's a big difference between visiting a "friend" occasionally or even regularly--I don't visit my friends more than once a week and usually far less as we all have children and lives of our own in different communities--and trying to maintain a traveling relationship--relationship for me is several times a week while still maintaining all responsibilities to family, friends, work and pets. A relationship contains far more meetings and outings etc than any of my friendships do.


If you don't think she's worth a 30 min drive, I'm guessing you don't think she is all that special. You be the judge


How could anyone be "special" when you're just meeting them to potentially begin a relationship? You know only a fraction about them, maybe appearance and some superficialities about personality and beliefs. And even that is suspect, since there are many threads about how the person they meet is nothing like the profile or discussions lead them to appear.

Nutt
 ChocolateNutt
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 15 (view)
 
How far away is too far away to have a relationship?
Posted: 2/13/2009 10:32:44 AM
Quit criticizing the OP and Navigator6! I am a WOMAN and I don't drive to another community for a date. It has nothing to do with laziness or cheapness. It's personal preference.

In order to get to know someone well enough to stay over with them or have them stay over with you (especially if you have children in either home), you must get to know that person. Getting to know someone takes time and effort--it's that simple and, unless you're a little on the "loose" side, not optional.

I am willing to put in half an hour (or a few hours) a few times a week to get to know someone (dinner, drinks, movies, test driving cars for fun, looking at show homes, shooting pool, playing sports or a variety of other activities) but I am not able to or interested in adding an hour (or more) driving time to that outing. That's not cheap or lazy, it's responsible! I also agree with the poster above who enjoys being able to go for a quick or spontaneous outing.

It may be more reasonable to have a long-distance relationship if you do not have a child fulltime, but for those of us whose children live at home 24 hours a day 360 days out of the year, it just doesn't work very well.

Also, dating cannot be compared to commuting for work. Work is necessary for survival, dating is a luxury.

Nutt
 chocolatenutt
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 169 (view)
 
Plan B
Posted: 2/12/2009 4:01:36 PM
I agree with 1day. Anything terminating a pregnancy (which I believe begins with conception) is abortion. I don't have a problem with birth control, including plan b, which PREVENTS pregnancy, but am uninterested in terminating the pregnancy (which would include taking plan B knowing that you've conceived and hoping the pregnancy will terminate).

Also, there is a warning on every hormonal birth control I've taken (the pill, the injection, etc) that says not to take it if you suspect you are pregnant. There must be some reason for that warning--whether it can terminate the pregnancy or cause harm to the infant or some other undesireable effect. If there were no effect, there would be no need for the warning. Sorry I don't have time at the moment to look up what the possible effects or concerns could be.

Nutt
 chocolatenutt
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 2 (view)
 
I'll Take Mr. Wrong!
Posted: 2/12/2009 3:48:35 PM
No, you should never settle for someone just so you don't have to be alone. No one will ever be happy, at least not for very long, because sooner or later those "wrongs" will become dealbreakers.

You can't expect the other person to be perfect, although it may be possible for someone to be perfect for YOU.

Nutt
 chocolatenutt
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 23 (view)
 
What ar ethe chances of her catching something???
Posted: 2/12/2009 3:40:19 PM
I think you should mention the concern to her. If you KNOW that he's sleeping around on her, you should tell her no matter what country he's doing it in. I would want to know if it were me.

Once you tell her the fact that he's sleeping around (only if it IS fact) and/or indicate that you're worried he may be putting her health at risk with unsafe sexual practices, you'll have to stand back and let her make her own choices. She may heed your words, she may not, but you've done your duty as a friend and that's all you can do.

Best wishes,

Nutt
 ChocolateNutt
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 59 (view)
 
Daughter (7) is being bullied...cant believe it is starting already
Posted: 2/12/2009 10:41:59 AM
pixie: I find it very interesting that in the Never Using Punishments thread, you advocate never using discipline or consequences, but only discussion and "I messages" in dealing with your children's misbehaviour or poor choices, yet you say here that you advocate your children solving bullying by violence. The two choices do not seem to mesh.

Nutt
 chocolatenutt
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 216 (view)
 
What do you think of a man (or woman) who comes on really strong right away?
Posted: 2/11/2009 3:52:28 PM
I hate being controlled or smothered so am totally turned off by someone who comes on strong or behaves like we're in a serious relationship right off the bat.

Nutt
 chocolatenutt
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 38 (view)
 
Daughter (7) is being bullied...cant believe it is starting already
Posted: 2/11/2009 5:46:02 AM

kids that are bullied for the most part have a commen thread, a mom or dad that thinks they have to get every thing done for them. A parent that teaches them to come running to them, instead of a parent that teaches them how to be strong on their own.


That's completely absurd--no one deserves to be bullied or abused or treated poorly for any difference to others. The common thread between children who get bullied is that they're getting bullied. It's the bully's fault that they are bullying not the children being bullied or the parents of the children being bullied.


Kids don't want to play with other kids for lots of reasons, don't try and push it, as this will not make it better at all. As to "what I should do", well tell your girl you think she is pretty and she should make other friends. What you are trying to do is force two girls who do not want to be friends with her for what ever reason (their right) to be friends with her and that is wrong


This I completely agree with. But there is no excuse for the other kids actually being insulting and rude, freetime. And there is no need for the parent to be rude to the children and tell them to suck it up. It is perfectly acceptable and desireable for parents to listen to their children's heartaches just as much as their victories, to be positive about whatever they are hearing and supportive. Supportive does not mean that the parent is forcing the other children to be friends, it means they are caring about their children's feelings and helping them deal with the feelings and move on in a way that will be positive.

Nutt
 chocolatenutt
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 28 (view)
 
Daughter (7) is being bullied...cant believe it is starting already
Posted: 2/10/2009 7:18:43 PM

It happens in competitive sports too, not the BS teams were they let any of the kids play even if they suck. There is no good leason for kids to be learned from those teams being the best or one of the best means getting picked first and that is a good thing for children to strive for and to learn on there own. What is sad is a parent that gets mad about a kid that can't play being left on the side lines.


freetime: we are talking about children right? not adults?

Sports teams in young grades are supposed to be where children learn to play. That's the whole point. You think the kids are supposed to not come out to play on a school or community team until Mommy and Daddy have made them professional baseball, football or soccor players in the backyard? People get good at ANYTHING whether sports or music or whatever else by actually DOING it. Try taking 4H.

Nutt
 chocolatenutt
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 14 (view)
 
a terrible BLUNDER....not on purpose....advice??
Posted: 2/10/2009 7:13:13 PM
tpot, the OP didn't say she talked about herself. She said she was excited to get in touch with her friend and was reminiscing enthusiastically. I didn't get the impression she was being selfish.

Nutt
 
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