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gangrel_in_london

Joined: 9/24/2004

Msg: 23 (view)

What all those auto names mean Posted: 3/23/2009 3:43:38 AM
STUDEBAKER Sorry To Use Dead End Backwards Arsed Klunky Engine Repeatedly ~Gangrel

gangrel_in_london

Joined: 9/24/2004

Msg: 22 (view)

What all those auto names mean Posted: 3/23/2009 3:38:15 AM
A bit off the original idea, but did you hear of the new Mercedes model? The Mercedes-Benz-Wrinklez-Crunchez. ~Gangrel

gangrel_in_london

Joined: 9/24/2004

Msg: 181 (view)

Funny pick up lines Posted: 3/23/2009 3:33:05 AM
"Honey, you look finer than a new set of snow tires." ~Gangrel

gangrel_in_london

Joined: 9/24/2004

Msg: 5 (view)

Scottish Jokes.... Posted: 3/23/2009 3:27:47 AM
One scot to another, heard this years ago. Why do Scotsmen wear kilts? So the sheep can't hear the zipper.

gangrel_in_london

Joined: 9/24/2004

Msg: 54 (view)

DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? Posted: 10/6/2008 1:10:59 AM
The first knuckle (nearest the nail) of both my thumbs are double jointed, meaning I can very nearly touch the tops of my thumbs with the tip. Pretty useless, really. ~Gangrel

gangrel_in_london

Joined: 9/24/2004

Msg: 4 (view)

Best South Park quotes. Posted: 10/6/2008 12:56:41 AM
"I'm sorry but it's too late, Kyle. Santa's going to have to kill you." (pulls on shotgun) ~Gangrel

gangrel_in_london

Joined: 9/24/2004

Msg: 2 (view)

Which would you choose and why? Posted: 10/6/2008 12:47:05 AM
Flight. Two reasons: 1.) I often dream of flying, and I'd like to experience it in real life. 2.) Yes, I'd try to help, but seeing as flight is the only super power I'd have (no super strength or anything) I suppose I'd have to impress them into submission. And hope they don't shoot me. ~Gangrel

gangrel_in_london

Joined: 9/24/2004

Msg: 1 (view)

The Newest Fad Posted: 10/6/2008 12:43:18 AM
It's nearly the holiday season again and things are about to get insane. The idea of buying things might not seem all that feasible with the current money problems, but rest assured there are still enough people willing to go into debt in order to buy the newest stuff. Anyone remember Furbys? Cabbage Patch dolls? Rubiks Cubes? They were all fads that nearly cost people life and limb when a store opened. I suppose this year it will be something along the lines of "Super Automatic Rear-End Wiper Deluxe Ultra 3000" or something equally useless. Still, never underestimate the power of a fad. There are sharks that, given the opprotunity to walk on land and witness a buyer frenzy, would refuse to get out of their cage and walk among the humans. Of course they'd refuse; sharks aren't stupid. In the rush of a true buyers frenzy I'd have to follow along with the crowd and hop over my fellow man, using my elbows on his head for added leverage, so I might be one of the first (of several million) to purchase my Super Automatic Rear-End Wiper Deluxe Ultra 3000. Or whatever the fad will be. It might be green t-shirts, for all I know. In any case, I would have simply gone along with everyone else with nary a thought as to why. Surely I still have no use for an automatic wiper (at least not yet), and wouldn't even know where to put it. Yes, in the bathroom, I know. But where in the bathroom? Does it hang on the wall or suspend from the ceiling? How does it expect to reach where it must? What happens if there is a power surge at exactly the wrong moment? Does my insurance cover that? Ok, I got off track just a bit. I could put the same arguement forth for cell phones or i-phones, or whatever they are called today. I have no use for the ability to surf the net, read email, or (and I say this laughingly) download ringtones on a phone. I do that with a computer just fine. I bought it because it seemed they were getting popular. Incidentally, it is possible to be sitting on the throne while you're talking on the phone. "That noise? Oh, I making some coffee right now". On the other end of the line, I can faintly hear the gears of a Super Automatic Rear-End Wiper Deluxe Ultra 3000 running right before she hangs up the phone. Happy Holidays, everyone! ~Gangrel

gangrel_in_london

Joined: 9/24/2004

Msg: 1 (view)

Rejection Rejection Letter Posted: 3/13/2007 7:37:17 PM
Dear Sirs, Thank you for your letter of March 24th. After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your company. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals. Despite your company's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then. Sincerely, ~Gangrel

gangrel_in_london

Joined: 9/24/2004

Msg: 1 (view)

2036 and Why the Earths Ratings are Down Posted: 2/21/2007 2:36:07 PM
Well, here we are again. You come over quite often, ya know. I'm beginning to wonder if I should share some of my roast. Speaking of roast, the Earth is on for a roasting in a few decades. Seems some asteroid or other has finally got our number. And not soon enough, is my thinking. For the past few centuries, mankind has made as much sense as mankind is probably able to make, so it's probably for the best: The 100 Years War lasted 116 years, there has never been a "civil" Civil War, and most of the population forgot the "no killing" clause in the various belief manuals. So it might be for the best. I suppose one upside of the collision is that most of the major religious beliefs will finally be fullfilled: Muslims will become martyrs for holding out to the End, Christians will meet their Maker in the air, and Buddhists will be vaporised and hence become "one with the Universe". Or at least a fairly rocky part of it. Perhaps after everyone has been vapourised after the impact, we can finally come to terms with our differing views and live in peace. More good news is that Global Warming will be a thing of the past...after the Earth cools from the impact, that is. Even if there is still a hole in the Ozone Layer afterwards (and granted, there will probably be a few others), it won't make any difference to you or me. You say you're worried about the emissions rating on your 2002 4-wheel-drive Ford Behemoth? Don't even worry about it. Chances are that in 65 million more years, any of your remains will have turned into oil and it is then the mutated bacteria's problem (along with designing a child seat rated for various flagella). So you see, it's not all bad. Would you like some gravy? ~Gangrel

gangrel_in_london

Joined: 9/24/2004

Msg: 37 (view)

Things I Learned From Movies Posted: 2/17/2007 11:30:02 PM
It is best to fight existential angst with Kung-Fu. And guns. Lots of guns. If you meet a lovely lass on a ship, you will either drown when it tips over, freeze to death when it sinks, be eaten by ravenous tenticles, or be captured by robots and turned into a really gory cyborg. If Tripods invade, humans are less capable than Ewoks. Death has a plan, and by George he means to follow it. It is possible for a virus to rewrite DNA. The Empire State Building is stress rated for 50' silverback gorillas. 50' silverback gorillas never have to go poo. ~Gangrel

gangrel_in_london

Joined: 9/24/2004

Msg: 9 (view)

Won't find these on Valentines Day card Posted: 2/17/2007 8:47:57 PM
These roses were red But now they're dead I hear you're dating someone else I wish you worms in your head ~Gangrel

gangrel_in_london

Joined: 9/24/2004

Msg: 694 (view)

naturally they do Posted: 2/17/2007 5:02:35 PM
Original Topic: Respect, yes. Rights, no. ~Gangrel

gangrel_in_london

Joined: 9/24/2004

Msg: 46 (view)

ANNA NICOLE SMITH DEAD Posted: 2/8/2007 4:36:34 PM
I have to agree with badvok on this one, since I am also a cynic. Although tragic, given her lifestyle Anna Nicole's death was about as suprising as seeing a train running down gasp railroad tracks. It's simply because she was such a public figure (no pun intended) that makes it a news-worthy item. Cult of personality, indeed. As a related sideline, I notice men are stepping forward to claim the child as theirs. This is also tragic, as it must simply be a move for the wealth the child now possesses. This might turn into a televised circus, sadly. Now, someone mentioned conspiracy theories? I have a couple. I honestly don't believe them, but that shouldn't matter. Although I am now, at this moment, making them out of whole cloth, I can pretty much guarantee that someone out there will believe them. Hence: 1.) Anna was killed by the CIA to draw attention away from the huge quantity of troops heading to Iraq. Since CNN is owned by the White House, the brouhaha must now be Anna, in order for the government to do its nefarious deeds without too much outcry. The thing I really like about this theory is that it has a social precedent: Marilyn Monroe and JFK. 2.) Anna died due to the bird flu. At this moment, she is being flown to Wright-Patterson for further tests in the huge underground complex the government built in the early 50's to store the alien wreckage from Roswell. ============================ In all seriousness, it is tragic when a person dies, and we tend to feel the loss more the more we are familiar with that person. The reason celebrity deaths make the news and people are drawn to the tragedy is because we believe ourselves to be familiar with them. There really is no difference between this death and the countless others that occurred today. With Anna, we have a fair amount of back-story, though. We were there when she hit the scene, we were there for the complete make-over, the obvious wedding to the oil guy, the tragedy of loss, the rise to super-stardom. We feel the loss acutely because we know the story. It really was a real-life soap opera. Be well, all. Life has a tendency to go on. ~Gangrel

gangrel_in_london

Joined: 9/24/2004

Msg: 9 (view)

Things I Learned From Movies Posted: 1/30/2007 1:11:34 PM
~ Pilots of airliners can walk back to the passenger cabin at regular intervals. The passengers will not question this. ~ Drill crews, AARP members, children, and the occasional dog/cat/lovable droid are all just as qualified to be astronauts as Story Musgrave. ~ No one ever goes hungry during Christmas. If they do, time will reverse itself until the situation is fixed. ~ Arrows, gunshots, cannonballs, landmines, and 200ft drops will not kill you if you have something touching to say. ~ If injected with a strange substance at a shopping mall by a man dying of a gunshot wound, you will completely fail to tell the police and your doctor. ~ It is possible for skeletons, lacking any muscle and tendon whatsoever, to rise up out of the grave...and be hungry. ~ Note for the above: The eyeballs will always be the last thing to go. ~Gangrel

gangrel_in_london

Joined: 9/24/2004

Msg: 1 (view)

Porch Musings Posted: 1/16/2007 3:45:01 AM
So anyways I was just sitting around my porch this past evening, gently rocking to and fro on my porch swing, listening to the soft, warm mid-winter breeze and doing truly horrible things to a pigeon with a fork when I says to myself I says "Self!" I didn't reply. I have Caller ID, and I don't answer calls from names I don't recognize. I had noticed that Saddams half-brother was strung up. That's not exactly a bad thing, I suppose. The whole family was probably a hiccup after the Almighty had a few too many. Saddams kids were probably the worst toddlers in recorded history: "Father! Nanny won't give me my ba-ba! I want my ba-ba!" "Son, you're nearly twenty years old. It's high time you dropped the---" "Ba-ba! Now! Ba-ba, or I shall behead one thousand goats!" So right away I figure someone had thrown a cheeseburger into the gene pool, you understand. Now his half brother, though. Well hey...as long as it's on a roll, let's work our way up to Mothers-in-Law. Lord knows we could use a bit more rope across the pond, if you know what I mean. Mothers-in-Law are possibly the diametric opposite to Reason and Logic, and would be the first to phone the Sheriff if she finds your 'shine still. Worse, she'd make sure she took just enough so the Sheriff getcha for not saving his cut. I still can't fathom any woman wanting to do it with Saddam, though. He wasn't Mathew McConaughey, you know. Or who is it this week...Ewan McGregor? OBGYN Kenobi. That guy. I once saw the guy that used to play Grizzly Adams in a house of ill-repute, with a few dollars in his pocket and some spare time, and I thought "Well hey, ok. Gentle Ben didn't exactly cut it for me, either". So he had his fun and I didn't take one bit of offense. But Saddam? I doubt that furry little midget could convince a $2 ho. The guy looked like Spastic Colon Death eating a cracker. And he mated. Twice. Amazing. If I was the lady in the room at that time, I would have set fire to my burka and made a statement like one of those Buddhist monks. Anyway, I can see by the case of Natural Light at my side that it's getting late. Or early. Or something. It's getting close to some time or other, and I still have a few birds to get through. Be seeing ya. Don't be a stranger, now. ~Gangrel

gangrel_in_london

Joined: 9/24/2004

Msg: 45 (view)

Why is Canadian Currency worth LESS? Posted: 1/14/2007 5:29:34 PM
Because Canada is sort of like a second floor apartment with a really wild party going on the first floor. "Hey! Keep it quiet down there!" ~Gangrel

gangrel_in_london

Joined: 9/24/2004

Msg: 1 (view)

The Way I See It Posted: 1/7/2007 10:30:16 AM
The International Procrastinators Society would like to wish everyone a happy and safe Halloween. ------- The state of the planet as-is is fairly ludicrous, so I thought I'd put a few things into perspective. Hence: Global Warming is a direct result of all the fire Gene Simmons spewed forth from his mouth in the 70's. James Brown has passed. This is both bad and good. Bad because the Godfather of Soul is no longer amongst us. Good, because the price of whiskey, pot, cocaine, and hookers will go down now that the market is no longer cornered. The U.S. Government has yet again failed in the suprisingly simple idea of dropping death row inmates into Iraq, since those are the people with the experience. This saves both our own troops and taxes to the average American, since the prisons would then have room. Bush Jr. has yet to convince the rest of the world that he is, in all probability, a turnip. There has been so much hiring and firing in Washington that one would think they hire from Quality Temporary Services. The fact that Bush Jr. hired them to begin with continues to elude the American public. Saddam Hussein finally swung. This is both bad and good. Bad because he might become a martyr and rallying call to other insane people. Good because the price of whiskey, pot, cocaine, and hookers in burkas has finally hit the sandy bottom. The fate of Iraq is now in question. The United States has put forth the idea that it should be divided up like Germany after WWII. There are a couple of problems with this idea: -- a.) The U.S. is still neck deep in fighting, and b.) The term "divided" would suposedly include countries other than the United States. Since the U.S. left the United Nations behind at the beginning, one wonders what other countries get a slice. Personally, I say give 51% of it to Luxembourg, just for the hell of it. -- Hollywood continues to make remakes of various shows. I'm still waiting for the remakes of "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes", "Space: 1999", "Wonderbug", and "Land of the Lost". I have a script for "The Six Million Dollar Man" ready: (Oscar Goldman) "Steve Austin! We've upgraded you for battle in the 21st Century!" (Steve) "Invalid checksum. Abort? Retry? Fail? Press any nostril to continue." (Oscar) "Abort!" (Steve) "Abort? Retry? Fail?" (Oscar) "Retry!" (Steve) "Invalid checksum. Abort? Retry? Fail? Press any nostril to continue." (Oscar) "Fail!' (Steve) "Current nostril is no longer valid. Oscar, I detect cookies from LeatherLolitas.com. Would you like me to del---pop What is your credit rating? Would you like to---pop All natural weight loss with Poop Yourself Thin---pop Floppy Pecker Syndrome cured for only $9.99---pop pop pop" It'll be better once they put the CGI nostril in and all. Trust me, it's cool. Maybe Lucas could do it. ~Gangrel

gangrel_in_london

Joined: 9/24/2004

Msg: 1 (view)

Plenty O' Fish?! Posted: 12/22/2006 4:09:28 AM
I'm sort of like a fish, really. Well no...not really. I'm more like a dolphin, since I tend to think of fish as a source of nutrition. So I eat them. Wow...I was really off with that whole "fish" thing, then. I'm sort of like this dolphin that eats fish. I spend hours swimming around the freezer in my basement looking for fish. Well no, not really. There's no water in my freezer. I mean, there is, but it's gotten sort of stiff over the years, so I guess it would be kinda hard to swim around in then, huh. I like potatoes. I know because I've eaten them before. Potatoes grow in the ground, actually. Now that's odd, because I can't really remember ever beaching myself in order to go on a potato raid. Seems silly, really...a dolphin jumping out of the ocean and bellying up to the nearest garden in order to dig up your potatoes. Just doesn't seem to be a common occurrence now, does it. So I must be a dolphin that swims around in freezers looking for fish, occasionally mugging the local Amish for their potato booty. I'll bet Zachariah will forever be shunned by the Church for saying a dolphin slapped him across his face with a swift fluke and made off with his potatoes while making strange clicking sounds. That sort of thing is likely to ruin his courtship with Sarah. I suppose I could visit the Church and say something on Zach's behalf, but hey...I'm a dolphin. At best, I could be expected to flop up the aisle and click in a most helpless way, therefore placing all the blame on Zach. Sorry, dude. So anyway. I've been on this website since 2004. C'mon. "Plenty of Fish"? C'mon! Date! Hello! Click click click ~Gangrel

gangrel_in_london

Joined: 9/24/2004

Msg: 6 (view)

DID YOU KNOW Posted: 12/20/2006 10:08:59 AM
Humans are the only animal that will eat with an enemy. ~Gangrel

gangrel_in_london

Joined: 9/24/2004

Msg: 11 (view)

Have you ever written yourself into a corner? Posted: 12/20/2006 9:56:53 AM
Many times. But you have to use whatever works during the creation of a story. Some people prefer to work backwards (like Dan Brown), and some write pretty spectacular stories by the tried and true method of making-it-up-as-you-go. Douglas Adams was a master at this method, and was known for saying he loved writing, just to find out what happens to his characters. As for scrapping the story, my advice is to give it much more thought before you decide on throwing it out. Many times, the answer will occur when you least expect it, and usually you'll slap your forehead and say "Oh, hey! It's so simple!" The trick is that the reader of the story will think that way as well. If done properly, you'll have an honest-to-goodness story on your hands. Now all that would be needed is finding a publisher that will give you more than 5% of the sales. On my first book, I was lucky enough to be offered 9%. But keep writing! Sounds interesting! ~Gangrel

gangrel_in_london

Joined: 9/24/2004

Msg: 28 (view)

Dreadful things to hear... Posted: 12/5/2006 6:56:43 AM
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Captain. If you care to look outside to your left, you'll notice our one remaining engine is smoking. If you care to look to your right, you'll notice various passengers being sucked out of the gaping hole in the fuselage. We're currently decending into the mountain range directly below us, and expect to be landing shortly. Again, we'd like to thank you for choosing our airline, and hope you consider us for your future travel needs, if any." ... (working in a nuclear reactor) "WUMP". ... "Don't worry, kids. Civil War cannons crossed this bridge." ... "Oh look, honey! My fingernail finally fell off!" ~Gangrel

gangrel_in_london

Joined: 9/24/2004

Msg: 3 (view)

No Guy walks into a bar jokes? Posted: 12/5/2006 6:41:05 AM
Two guys walk into a bar. The third guy ducks. ... A priest, a rabbi, and a horse walk into a bar. Bartender says, "What is this...some kind of joke?" ... A ham and cheese sandwich walks into a bar. Bartender says, "I'm sorry. We don't serve food here." ~Gangrel

gangrel_in_london

Joined: 9/24/2004

Msg: 3 (view)

Woman Retirement Posted: 12/2/2006 1:01:54 PM
Trully beautiful, I agree. I knew you were better, lass. I knew you'd turn out good. But there are many...many women that simply forgot something. Hard to understand from my end, too. But negative...no. I love women! Absolutely adore the blighters. And may God have mercy on my soul. ~Gangrel

gangrel_in_london

Joined: 9/24/2004

Msg: 1 (view)

Woman Retirement Posted: 12/2/2006 11:33:12 AM
Oh, all right. An update. I've done as near to nothing as I could possibly do for the past year, although this past month I was forced to do very little at all. Why work more when you barely get paid for nearly working? Good question. The answer is: Boredom. Sheer, unadulterated, plop-your-arse-down-and-stay-there weariness. The counter-point is: "I'm still bored". Given enough time, a man can say goodbye to a lot of things. Such as television, interest in local and national news, and if I didn't already pay someone else to take care of it...my lawn. Also women. It is possible for a man to lose interest in women, although I'd not have thought it likely when I was younger. There comes a time when one must take stock of women and realise that they are all completely bonkers. Anyone that spends that much money and time on make-up just to get a man to notice her when obviously since we're men we look at all women is obviously insane. The clincher is when they get mad when we look at other women. If we didn't have the instinct to look, we wouldn't have noticed her in the first place. Women's cheese has, for the past few thousand years running, completely slipped off the cracker. So no, I don't miss the questions, the dagger filled gazes, nor the "cold shoulder" that comes quickly on the heels of "I love you". Yes, I know there are those that will say something like "I don't do that" or "I've never had a doubt" or even "I trust you", which is an insult simply because if you did you'd never ask questions about other women, throw daggers with your eyes, or give a cold shoulder to your husband. Ever. Granted some men are pigs, but I've met some men that have given 100% to thier women...so they aren't all bad. I've also met women, and just to listen to a conversation among them would be enough to make a lesser man urinate defensively and flee in terror. I'll not give any secrets away for any women reading this...but I will say that although women are working on a full six-pack, they lack the plastic loops that hold it all together. Maybe there are a few that aren't like that, but I have yet to meet any of them. I still look. And I'll just bet there is a woman out there that will take it personally. ~Gangrel

gangrel_in_london

Joined: 9/24/2004

Msg: 1 (view)

Couldn't Resist Posted: 11/25/2006 9:15:20 AM
...hard as I tried...so here it is: An English family head out one Saturday to do some shopping. While in the sports shop, the son picks up a Scotland football shirt and says to his sister, "I've decided to be a Scotland Supporter and I would like this for my birthday". His sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the head and says, "Go talk to your mother". So off goes the little lad with the Blue Football shirt in hand and finds his mother. "Mum?" "Yes, son?" "I've decided I'm going to be a Scotland supporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday". The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head and says, "Go talk to your father". Off he goes with the football shirt in hand and finds his father. "Dad?" "Yes, son?" "I've decided I'm going to be a Scotland supporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday". The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head and says, "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!" About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards home. The father turns to his son and says: "Son, I hope you've learned something today?" "Yes, Dad, I have." "Good, son, what is it?" "I've only been a Scotland supporter for an hour and already I hate you bloody English!" ~Gangrel

gangrel_in_london

Joined: 9/24/2004

Msg: 1 (view)

Saturday Mornings Circa Mid-1970's Posted: 11/25/2006 7:21:18 AM
I've given a lot of thought on this subject, and I can honestly say that I miss the time when "Bugs Bunny and Road Runner" was not only completely unedited, but also about four hours long. But that wasn't the only show in town. There was also "The Far Out Space Nuts", starring Gilligan a few miles away from his three hour tour. "I said LUNCH not LAUNCH!" They had an alien friend that honked a lot, if I recall. Probably a distant relative of Alf. There was also "Wonderbug". An old jalopy in a junkyard comes alive thanks to a magic horn. To my knowledge, Wonderbug beat out the General Lee in musical horns by a good decade. And he flew. The General never flew...he only jumped. Silly General. If he didn't hit the ground he'd be lost entirely. Speaking of lost, so was Marshal, Will, and Holly in "Land of the Lost". They were on the greatest expedition ever known fifteen years before dinosaurs hit Hollywood, and Hammond never once said "Watch out for the Sleestack". Pity, because I thought the Sleestack were pretty cool. They even had silver Pylons that let you time travel. "Space: 1999" was a live-action spinoff of "U.F.O." in which, despite Stephen Hawking, the Moon was not only blasted out of Earths orbit, but also traveled fast enough to encounter other planets on a weekly basis. As slim as the premise was, the Eagle is still my favourite spaceship. Ever. For those brave enough to venture into the night, there was also "The Six Million Dollar Man", which completely failed to account for compound interest in modern days, or its spinoff "Bigfoot and Wildboy" of which one critic stated "(it) was so bad it was almost a religious experience". There was also "Project: U.F.O.", which was the Networks answer to "Close Encounters of the Third Kind". But every week, there was a different U.F.O...including one design that was to show up in 1996 as (a much larger) alien spaceship in "Independence Day". And to finish, all I have left to say is: Yes, there really was a show that starred Andy Griffith building a spaceship out of junk, and it was called "Salvage 1". I still think that show got the short end of the stick. ~Gangrel

gangrel_in_london

Joined: 9/24/2004

Msg: 3 (view)

Subject: ACTUAL AD IN THE CLASSIFIED Posted: 11/25/2006 5:44:14 AM
Since it isn't a chopper, I'd say "Yes, Dear. Anything you want, my love. Don't like the bike? Ok, no problem. Please let me know when I can have my balls back. Yes, I know you think Matthew McConaughey is cute. Please stop bringing it up, please? But only if it doesn't piss you off?" Geez. ~Gangrel

gangrel_in_london

Joined: 9/24/2004

Msg: 20 (view)

Crucial spelling errors.... Posted: 11/19/2006 11:11:32 AM
...but when I look up it says Hi Clit...........omfg...the "n" didn't work All the time. Usually not exactly that way, but yes. Embarrassing, too. The best thing to do would probably be to fake a siezure and go offline. If one is able, it might actually be the golden opportunity to finally follow through with the plan of faking ones own death and retire to the Japanese archipelago, there to sip heated sake and say to oneself, "Damn, I bet that confused 'em". Another option is to simply keep typing as if the key doesn't work at all, and you are wholly innocent of any typos. Keep in mind that this might lead to them actually buying you a new keyboard in order to stop being called "Clit". Another way is to justify what you've typed by turning the arguement around entirely: "Hi, Clit!" "???" "Clit. Clit? OMFG you don't know what a Clit is?!!!1!!one!! Good luck on your lonely road, Brokeback!" This works simply because most men will take it upon themselves to be the one that is wrong in order to not only justify thier hope that they didn't just kill a chance for a date, but also to reassure themselves that they are heterosexual and eventually you'll forget about it altogether. Or you could just say "Oops". ~Gangrel

gangrel_in_london

Joined: 9/24/2004

Msg: 50 (view)

How to Care for A Manbeast Posted: 11/19/2006 10:17:58 AM
"The Quest for Twinkies" That why great Thunder God say "Make Tribal Warfare, it'll be a Hoot". Have to stomp out fire on MuGu. Hope he carry spear afterwards. Now where my club? ~Gangrel

gangrel_in_london

Joined: 9/24/2004

Msg: 48 (view)

How to Care for A Manbeast Posted: 11/19/2006 10:01:12 AM
Cave this way. ---> Me make lots fire. Keep warm. Sometimes set MuGu's loincloth on fire, but not mean it, really. Not mean to laugh and point when MuGu scream, but it too funny sometimes. UGH ugh. ~Gangrel

gangrel_in_london

Joined: 9/24/2004

Msg: 46 (view)

How to Care for A Manbeast Posted: 11/19/2006 9:38:52 AM
Me Tarzan. You lucky. ~Gangrel

gangrel_in_london

Joined: 9/24/2004

Msg: 1 (view)

Details at 11 Posted: 11/19/2006 9:02:58 AM
They say it's going to snow here on Monday. What suprised me was that the local Weather Girl seemed to be suprised about it. For that matter, everyone here in Kentucky seems to be annually taken by complete suprise by the fact that the Earth moves around the Sun, therefore making "Seasons" possible. I wouldn't be suprised if they sacrificed many small furry woodland creatures to the Sun whenever it rose, simply because they didn't expect it to happen. Oh, wait...they do: Deer, wild turkey, rabbit, squirrel, owl, and just about anything else that be shot, gutted, and put in a stew. This includes fish, mind you. So I sat there watching the local forecast: "Hey, Sherry! Hows the weather going to be?" "Well, Bob, it's getting colder. We might see some frost this weekend, and maybe even some snow by Monday! You motorists might want to take it easy Monday morning...the roads might be slick." "Wow! Thanks for the warning, Sherry! Up next: How to make parakeet kabob flambe! But first (blah blah blah)". ...and slowly feeling my hope for Humanity slip away. Honestly...did you need a warning that it's going to be cold? Was it this cold around this time last year? Then it's a good bet it will be as cold this time this year. In fact, I'd say it might probably in all likelyhood be as cold this time next year. Why then, do I see everyone playing street hockey with vehicles and putting them in ditches and people not wearing jackets and slowly freezing to death because Winter has, for a few decades running now, taken them completely by suprise? Why is the person that zoomed by me on the snow infested road angry at me for flipping him off when I then pass his now slower, dented, and infinitely less valuable car resting in the snow infested ditch? Perhaps because his Automatic Magic Anti-Snow Fairy Dust wore off while he wasn't looking, and the laws of physics took over and said "Snow and ice are pretty slick, Doofus". So I sat there, in my chair, and waited for the 8 O'Clock report. Just to see what happens, mind you. At 8 o'clock, Sherry came back on and warned me that it might be even colder Monday, so the roads "might be "really" bad". I'm not making this up. Now...if I was Bob (and he trys, bless his heart), and I had to put up with Sherry, the conversation might go a little bit differently: "...so the roads might be really bad Monday. Back to you, Bob!" "Thanks, Sherry! So for those of you that, like Sherry, believe that 32 degrees Fahrenheit makes a different kind of ice than 28 degrees, then you'll want to change to a deeper tread tyre. For those of you with an actual grasp on Reality, you'll understand that she is the Producers daughter. And easy, at that." Well, that's about it. I know you were wanting some sort of punchline or something at the end, but this doesn't work that way. All I want is for people to stop being idiots once the snow hits. Oh, ok. One last joke: "The popcorn you're eating has been pissed in, details at 11." ~Gangrel

gangrel_in_london

Joined: 9/24/2004

Msg: 4 (view)

It Was Late and I Was Tired Posted: 11/19/2006 7:32:56 AM
You mean curry? Prefer a real vindaloo, myself. That's probably one of the reasons I'm still single. ~Gangrel

gangrel_in_london

Joined: 9/24/2004

Msg: 1 (view)

It Was Late and I Was Tired Posted: 11/16/2006 2:23:38 AM
I've sat here for longer than is probably normally advised, thinking of some subject to type around. Well, I've thought of one. Something that affects everyone on the planet, yet is so mind-numbingly boring that you'd do well not to read it at all. Basic Physics. I'll begin by revamping on what you should already know: All matter is made up of protons, neutrons, and electrons. So much for the basics. To continue... Those are made up of any of six different flavors of quarks, known as "Up", "Down", "Charm", "Strange", "Top", and "Bottom" (no, I'm not making this up). Each of these can have up to three different "colors". These are commonly known as "Red", Green", and "Blue". The reason they have different colors to each flavor is because of the Pauli Exclusion Principle: They cannot exist in identical states. This may seem trivial, but it is because of this basic principle that your Filet-O-Fish does not include random nuclear explosions. I suppose you could ask for it as a condiment, but it's a given that the high school student at the window won't know how to include it: "Welcome to McDonalds, may I take your order?" "Yes. I'd like a Filet-O-Fish with W0(naught) and -Z0(naught) massive vector bosons with a mass of 100GeV, and please change the Bohr's orbits. Hold the mayo." "Huh?" So you see, it just won't work. Granted, that's the worst case scenerio. If it all doesn't self-destruct in a grand white millisecond of more heat than every star in the Universe has ever and can ever produce, it might just fly apart. Every atom simply breaking apart into quarks at the speed of light, all trying to get away from each other. The least that would happen is something like wearing a nice pair of designer low-cut jeans and having them suddenly cease to exist while in the Food Court of the local mall. If that happens, someone will post pictures of it on the Internet, I'm sure. "The Suddenly Sexy +-Bosons Jeans Underwear Girl! Click Here to see ALL the Action!" Hell, I'd click it. I was just trying to think of ways of making womens pants disappear. But then again, I'm a guy. It's a given. ~Gangrel

gangrel_in_london

Joined: 9/24/2004

Msg: 1 (view)

When you least expect Posted: 11/10/2006 8:13:58 PM
I always listen when people speak, but it was never like this. Late one night this past week, I decided that I was tired of what I had at home and decided to go out to eat. It was fairly late, so I knew I couldn't get one of my old college favourites of two cheeseburgers and a chocolate shake from McDonalds , so I looked for other places that might proffer culinary delights. Well, Waffle House was straight out, almost before the decision-making proccess had begun. Although they offer such things as "Pancakes w/butter", "Runny Egg Suprise w/butter", "Deep Fried Lard w/Deep Fried butter", and "Feast of Doom for the Entire Cardiovascular System w/butter", I was in the mood for something a bit more adventurous. Continuing my trek, I happened upon an old friend. His name was "Denny's". Many were the nights my friends and I took refuge in a Denny's. It was the only place open by the time my friends and I finally got around to being hungry. So I pulled up, went in, and waited. "Odd", I thought to myself. "For the night shift, they apparently have less than one waitress. Bet that makes scheduling a chore..." "Lessee...3rd shift. Let's see if we can have -1 waitresses on duty. Then yell at the rest of them because they don't work hard enough." After waiting for twelve minutes by the sign that said "Please Wait to be Seated", I seated myself and waited. After another twelve minutes, the assistant manager came out and appologised on behalf of the waitress, himself, and Denny's Inc. for not being prompt. He blamed the waitress whom was busy trying to take care of some drunks that had wondered in from the street, the sorry vagobonds. "That's ok, don't worry about it", I said. "I have plenty of time." He ran off and pulled the waitress aside from the bumbling bunch of barely concious human flotsam, and as quietly as he could pointed at her in a fairly strict manner. Her head pointed further toward the floor every time he pointed back at her. Within ten seconds, the almost young and not extremely pretty and obviously tired waitress had a menu in my hand. Trying to maintain an air of cool, I quickly opened up the menu and saw something that almost made me laugh. So I ordered it. "Moons Over My Hammy, please. And a Dr. Pepper." "Will that be all?" "Well, if I should expire before completing this Culinary Weapon of Mass Destruction, please notify the nearest medical facility for the expiditious removal of my carcass." She smiled, which was why I said it to begin with. She looked like she could use a smile. She took the menu and hurried back to give the cook the ticket. She then responded to the cat-calls of the table across the way. She refilled two coffee's, brought a clean ashtray, and got her rear slapped. Now, if I was her, I would have turned around and leaned over the ass-slapper. Then in the quietest, softest, sexiest voice I could muster, I would have asked "Tickle your ass with a feather? Follow me outside." After he followed outside, I would unzip his pants, pulled out his Incredible Heat-Seeking Love Missile, then zipped his pants back up. While he screamed in pain, I would throw him to the ground and state very clearly that if he ever does that again, I'll hire several really hairy and fairly unpleasant people to attack him at random throughout the rest of his misbegotten life. But that's if I was her. Being a dude, I've never had that happen. She, however, simply walked back to the kitchen and got my order. When she placed the plate and drink down, I noticed the tan line. "Divorced", I asked? "No. I've never been married. Why?" "I noticed the line on your finger." She told me to "hold on a sec", and went back to the quickly abandoned Table of Doom. I noticed they didn't leave a tip. She came back and asked me if everything was alright. I said no, there's a ring missing. After looking for the Assistant Manager (who was obviously in the back doing everything he could to not do anything at all), she sat down and explained her story. It was a sad one involving love, treachery, and the slow road to recovery. Needless to say, it wasn't a wedding band tan line. It was an engagement ring tan line. The food forgotten, I sat transfixed as I listened. I listened for an hour or hours. I don't recall, really. Her hands accentuating her words as she spoke, her eyes looking everywhere around us but always focused on the past, and slowly she became pretty. I mean it. I'd have not looked at her twice if I had just seen her walking up a street. But as she talked, her beauty came out. And the more she talked, the prettier she became. No longer livid, the colour of her face bashfully came up. The movements of her arms became fluid, like a dance. Her words became a breeze across leaves. And with a sudden start I realised I could very easily fall in love her. Hell...anyone could have. So, always the ladies man, I said the worst possible thing at the worst possible time: "I have to go to the bathroom." "Oh. Ok. Sorry, I don't normally rattle on like that. God, my shift is over. Maybe we'll talk sometime again?" (Of course, always the dude with a plan, I said...) "Uhh..yeah. Please." "Ok, then. Thanks for listening." I went to the bathroom. I didn't really have to go. I just needed a chance to regroup my thoughts. My thoughts were well into a mutiny, however, and wouldn't rally around the flag. Mustering my few remaining thoughts (and not a few spies from the mutiny), I decided to ask her out to dinner. Or lunch. Or if nothing else, permission to drive by her house and throw a cheeseburger in her yard. ANYthing. I left the Gents, and looked around. Gone. Just gone. I went to the table and picked up my ticket. It said "On the house. Thanks. Elizabeth" I called over the assistant manager. "Is Elizabeth still here?" "Nope. Anything you need?" "Nope. Oh. Well, two things, actually. First, give this to her for a tip (hands over $20 and my phone number). Second, if you ever talk to her like that again, I'll take you outside and roll your head around the parking lot." It was a long, lonely drive home. ~Gangrel

gangrel_in_london

Joined: 9/24/2004

Msg: 19 (view)

Jokes Guaranteed To Offend Someone Posted: 11/9/2006 1:16:57 PM
How can you tell Iraqi tanks from American tanks? Iraqi tanks have reverse lights.

gangrel_in_london

Joined: 9/24/2004

Msg: 1 (view)

Out of a Social Coma Posted: 11/8/2006 6:04:52 PM
Well hello, there. I took a break from writing for a bit, and online in general, for the simple fact that Real Life tends to bite one in the ass the moment you stop to tie your shoelaces. So...what's been going on? Lessee... Minimum wage is the same, but tax cuts for the rich are still in style. That's just great, because I was starting to worry about all of those millionaire janitors out there. Rumsfeld is down, but Bush is still up. Bush better hurry before another croney from Texas takes the position...oh, wait a minute... (ever put an already-full diaper on a baby? That's pretty much what just happened) Briteny Spears is getting divorced. She is seeking full custody. That's a good thing, because you don't want to stop the post-natal driving lessons halfway through; it might be confusing to a newborn. The downside is that the kids will grow up without a daddy. The upside is that she still hasn't changed husbands as quickly as her breast size. Anyway, I'm sure she'll find a flavour of the week...little Ms. Baskin Robbins. Oops, she did it again. Speaking of which, I'm sure Liz Taylor is about to call Ms. Spears, just to say something like "Whoa...dang, girl...calm down. I've had several husbands, but not all in one year". As of this writing, there is one undecided vote in the Senate. That could change the balance of power in this country in such a huge way...it's sort of hard to explain...let me see...hmmm..."do you want to be near the front or near the rear of a daisy chain?" Either way, we're still screwed. The vote, by the way, is coming out of Montana. This means something. This is important. I still need more cowbell. The South has, for the past 141 years, failed to "Rise Again". C'mon, guys, give it up. You lost. Come on up to the North. It's a blast. B.Y.O.B. Anyway, I thought I'd give a quick "howdy", and let the forums know I'm still around, despite the best efforts of friends and family. Howdy. ~Gangrel

gangrel_in_london

Joined: 9/24/2004

Msg: 2 (view)

A Hard lesson Learned Posted: 11/3/2006 6:37:43 PM
Yes, I know it was spelled wrong. Stop telling me. The funny part was supposed to be: Scottsbluff, Nebraska and Scottsville, Kentucky Places I've lived. The problem with Scotland is that it's full of Scots. ~Gangrel

gangrel_in_london

Joined: 9/24/2004

Msg: 1 (view)

A Hard lesson Learned Posted: 11/3/2006 1:23:03 PM
This post is made in order that I might say goodbye to a fellow Scottsman. Mr. McCormick, On October 31st, at 3:18am, you said goodbye to us. None of us expected it, none of us planned on it, and none of us wanted it. Seems you had your own ideas, though. Your choice to live as you chose was an inspiration in many ways. I'll never forget those lessons. You brought smiles and laughter to my family, and I swear I'll not forget that. You never failed to say exactly the wrong thing at exactly the right time, and the wit and parody was always there for those willing to take the time to understand what you were saying. At every single circumstance, I always noticed you never failed to smile. Good news or bad news, the smile was always there. You never failed to find humour in any situation. I've been with you through trials and tribulations, through graduations and proclamations. I was there when you told me you were worried about your son and daughter, I was there when you told me you were worried that your payments, and I was there when you finally gave up and left us. I also noticed you never ate your vegetables, ya bugger. I remember that every year after your wife left (psycho-hose-beast...yeah, I remember), you refused to eat any vegetable except peas (why peas, exactly?). Nothing else green ever made the cut. I even cooked a full-on Thanksgiving feast once, and you told me to give the green beans to the dogs. I did. I remember when you told me that you couldn't read or write. I was shocked, to say the least, but you put me at ease by reminding me that in your life, it never actually hurt you. Hence you taught me that an individual can be defined by action instead of what others teach. I remember your funeral. November 2nd, 1pm. Your son dressed in a black button-up top and jeans, your daughter in a pin-stripe black blouse and matching pants, and your grandkids running around as kids are prone to do. I noticed that you had worn your colours. Blue jeans, to be sure, but I noticed the colours of your shirt. Family colours. That was a true piece of advice to all that want to listen to their elders. I remember your advice. Some people never listen when an old man speaks. Some people are idiots. We miss you, ~Gangrel

gangrel_in_london

Joined: 9/24/2004

Msg: 5 (view)

Coffee Odyssey Posted: 10/28/2006 2:29:24 PM
(efficient?!) Oh, I'm all for Rocket Fuel Coffee, just not Tatstes-Like-Dirt-.006124-nanoseconds-to-the-nearest-bathroom coffee. Big difference. (efficient?!) By the way...try "arse". ~Gangrel

gangrel_in_london

Joined: 9/24/2004

Msg: 3 (view)

Style Posted: 10/25/2006 12:45:38 PM
Just a quick visual: (driving around the mall) "Oh, look honey! Retarded canoe fetishests in thier natural habitat!" ~Gangrel

gangrel_in_london

Joined: 9/24/2004

Msg: 1 (view)

Style Posted: 10/25/2006 11:54:44 AM
After a time, and a time, and half a time, I found myself back at the Mall seeking some fairly good deals on some new-hotness clothes. It was high noon, and I was anxious to get myself done up in all the latest styles. My first stop was the softer side of Sears, but since it was no longer the 1970's I moved quickly on. I happened upon a store with a name I can't pretend to understand, but I'll call it Ubercrumble & Pitch, since it's a completely random name I chose off of the top of my head just now. Also there was, with no explanation whatsoever, a canoe hanging from the ceiling. A young girl with half pink, half brown hair wearing more eye shadow than Tammy Faye Bakker (possibly all of nine years old, but don't hold me to it) and more holes in her nose than God normally allows rolled her eyes at me and said "Can I help you?" Undeterred, I smiled brightly and asked the young maiden where I might find some fashionable clothes. She asked me if I had tried Sears, and rolled her eyes again. I said I had, but I was looking for something a bit more "Now". After a quick and semi-private smirk, she lead me away into the stranger recesses what is apparently a clothing store for canoe fetishests. There was denim galore, and I quickly found just the pants I wanted. The dual-toned blue jeans maiden quickly stuck her hand into the back of the rack, dusted off the mites, and handed me my size. I went into what I will call the "private changing room", but only if you consider a two foot by two foot closet with just a handkerchief on a shower curtain rod protecting your wedding tackle from the outside world private, and adorned myself in 21st Century denim. Half of my ass was showing. "Are you sure this is the right size?" "Duh!" (probably rolling her eyes again) After a fairly strange debate wherein she stated it was the fashion to have your undies sticking out of your pants and wherein I replied that if you had shown this much rear-end in my day you were either a plumber or retarded, I quietly put my pants back on and placed the almost-complete pair of jeans neatly back into the depths of the Clothing Racks of Fashion. As I left Sears with a new sportcoat, black button-up shirt, tie, and bluejeans that cover my whole backside, I finally made up my mind that I have my own style. And screw whatever the retarded canoe fetishests are wearing this year. ~Gangrel

gangrel_in_london

Joined: 9/24/2004

Msg: 1 (view)

Coffee Odyssey Posted: 10/25/2006 9:41:58 AM
It was a bad day. The sky was gray, the clouds were low, and as we in the Northern hemisphere call it, "a bit nipply". Granted that might normally be just dandy for watching the women at the local mall, but it was too early in the morning what with the Mall Walkers, and all their nipply bits were pointed down at odd angles, and personally I prefer the nipply bits to be a tad more horizontal to the ground. At the local mall one can find great treasures if one has the time, money, and patience to look for them. I had all three, so I thought I would make a day of it. I started too early, and got in an hour before the stores opened. The mall itself was open, but only in order to allow the above said Walkers inside. They have a club, you see. A "Mall Walkers" club. Normally I just say live and let live, but these people pay other people to walk around a mall. They even make special shoes for them. Sad, really. There were two stores open to the Walkers, so I followed the crowd in order to secure a cup of coffee. One was a coffee shop, or should I say a "Shoppe" (they would like you to believe that the odd English spelling adds not only to their quality, but also to the price-per-pound of coffee beans from Minnesota and Detroit), with such flavours on the menu as "vanilla", "mint", "Arabian Mocha Sanai", and for the more adventurous, "Sudden Stream Rectal Rocket". Being ever cautious after an incident involving several White Castle burgers, a diet Dr. Pepper, and some unfortunate patrons waiting behind me to get into a local theatre, I wisely chose to move on to the second store. It was an actual restaurant that served only three things in the early morning: Biscuits, Gravy, and Coffee (or only two. Those of us condemned to live out our lives in the South consider "biscuits-n-gravy" not only a single item, but also near the top of the Food Pyramid, second only to grits). After a fairly long wait wherein I questioned my sanity for even being there...and by the end had begun to question my very existence due to an acute lack of caffeine...I was finally at the counter, with the Coffee Wench telling me something along the lines of "ThankyouforchoosingChik-Fil-DennysJimboOcenasideWaffleHouseofPancakes, may I take your order?" "Large coffee." "OKwouldyoulikethatregularordecaff?" "What?" "Regularordecaff?" "Oh. Regular, please." "OKthatwillbeadollartwentyholdondidyousaydecaff?" "What? Oh, no. Regular. Have you ever thought of trying decaff?" "OhyouresofunnyhereyougoandthankyouforchoosingChik-Fil-DennysJimboOceansideWaffleHouseofPancakes!" "Umm...thanks." The coffee tasted like unfiltered dirt, so after half a cup I poured it out while walking slowly back to my car. I had to walk slowly, you understand. It was going to be a race to get to my bathroom. ~Gangrel

gangrel_in_london

Joined: 9/24/2004

Msg: 13 (view)

My New Winter Coats and Why I Have Them Posted: 10/25/2006 8:10:10 AM
Whenyer, I believe the spider was female for the simple reason of her Kali-like pose when she knew she had beaten me. I recall something similar in a Sinbad movie. As far as Bob goes, no problems as long as Bob is worshipped correctly and given the sacrifice of many small furry woodland creatures. If said sacrifices are not up to standard, rest assured Bob will either die completely at the worst possible moment or send random electrical shocks in order that you may worship correctly, you heathen. ~Gangrel

gangrel_in_london

Joined: 9/24/2004

Msg: 10 (view)

My New Winter Coats and Why I Have Them Posted: 10/24/2006 5:22:26 PM
In fact, I'm not really sure why I'm afraid of spiders. I find them to be extremely fascinating creatures to watch, and it's been my experience that most local spiders are in fact abject cowards when it comes to taking on something as gigantic as people. Their undoing, I imagine, has something to do with the ability to hang in the air with no wings (a web), the ability to bite, and simply having having way too many legs. If people had eight legs, I would find them creepy. Another problem I have is the stealthiness used by arachnids. Bob (where "Bob" is the deity of your choice) should have designed spiders with the instincts to giggle and scream. Lifting up a coffee cup in the wee hours just to find it has trapped one (eight legs or no, if they lose the web they're powerless to escape) in the night is not a pleasant experience, but not realising it and filling up your coffee cup anyway is going to have its own consequences. The bad side is that spiders would probably scream just for the added terror, and as the above poster said, run away giggling in the night. Another advantage, however, is that it would probably be impossible for a spider to slowly make its way from the ceiling to your head without at least snickering. In the end, I suppose I could say that I do respect spiders. I just have a problem with having Mutual of Omaha filming in my house, wherein I might be witness to various attacks. "Jim has cornered the wolf spider, and is about to tag it. He will then set it free and if recaptured later, we might find out where it goes during the Dry Season. Oh, look at that. The wolf spider has pinned Jim down, and is injecting him with digestive juices and wrapping him up for future use. Sorry Jim." ~Gangrel

gangrel_in_london

Joined: 9/24/2004

Msg: 25 (view)

2nd Nashville Meet & Greet NOv 11th Posted: 10/22/2006 6:57:20 AM
No guarantee of finding her. I'll know her when I see her. I'll just keep fishing, but thanks for the local invite! ~Gangrel

gangrel_in_london

Joined: 9/24/2004

Msg: 1 (view)

Future Imperfect Posted: 10/22/2006 4:51:04 AM
Holloween is lurking around the temporal corner, officially kicking off the 2006 Holiday Season. As a kid in the early and mid 70's, I would await it with great anticipation (this was right around the time of razors and such, but there were a couple of seasons before that that were still fine). Around the local neighbourhood I would try to spot those houses with the porch light on, and run up with a cheap plastic mask and a plastic pumpkin container in order to milk the neighbours dry of as many Zero bars and candy cigarettes as I could possibly hold. The next month it was off to family and friends gathered around an impossibly large table with truly enormous quantities of food. The conversations were more than I could understand, so it was a blessing to be at the "kids table" where we would fling green beans at each other. Occasionally an errant green bean would hit an adult in the back of the head, resulting in a stern look from the adult that said "If these other people weren't here, I would snatch your butt up out of that chair so fast it'd take three seconds for your feet to catch up." Later, as the adults settled in the living room for smokes, beer, and football, we kids would go outside and play in the leaves. This usually ended when we found an interesting bug or two making its way up our pants legs. Then Christmas. That was the clincher. At that point, at that young age, I didn't really give a rats ass about New Years, other than it was almost time to go back to school. Christmas at my house was a grand affair, however, and was celebrated in the most elaborate style possible. The sheer quantity of gifts seemed to fill half the living room to my young eyes, and by the end the other half was filled with torn wrapping paper. My brother and I would run downstairs on Christmas day in our pajamas, drooling, eyes wild, at the impossible time of 4am or so. I'm sure our parents wondered why we didn't do that on school days, but I'm also pretty sure you wonder that about your own children, now. In 2006, there have been some minor modifications. At Halloween I turn the porch light on, various candies at the ready (although you can't buy candy cigarettes anymore...pity), and end up either throwing it all out or giving it to my neighbour, who has grandchildren, because of course I am a stranger and not to be trusted by anyone more than a house away. My trees almost always have the toilet paper market cornered, and occasionally an egg shell or two is left to greet me in the morning or perhaps the remains of burnt dog poo. If I'm lucky, I remember to put my car in the garage before the festivities begin. Thanksgiving is now spent around an impossibly large bar with truly enourmous quantites of beer with perfect strangers. After a while, the conversation is more than I can understand as english is slowly replaced as the primary language. It was a blessing when a booth cleared out, so I could sit back and fling a green drink down (it's called a Vulcan Mind Meld, and is quite nasty). Occasionally, a stranger would stagger up and tell me that if he wasn't so drunk, he would snatch me up out of my seat so fast it would take three seconds for my feet to catch up. I had him beat...it already took five seconds just to get my feet to do what I wanted them to do. Later, all the men would retire to their cars and be snatched up by the local police, who didn't even wait two seconds. Christmas is the clincher. At this point, I don't really give a rats ass about New Years, because if I do it right I'll still be drinking in the most elaborate style possible. The sheer quantity of beer cans seems to fill half the living room, and by the end of the night my clothing and various photo albums fills the other half. Christmas day, I fall downstairs in near coma wearing a t-shirt, underwear, and one sock, drooling, eyes red and watery, at the impossible time of 4pm. I'm sure my friends wonder why I do that on a work day, but I'm also sure that the boss is a clueless airhead with a face that would make a train take a dirt road (and I vaguely remember calling her at 2am to tell her exactly that), so the rest of the day's schedule should be clear. Happy Holidays! ~Gangrel

gangrel_in_london

Joined: 9/24/2004

Msg: 1 (view)

Shopping Posted: 10/22/2006 4:48:48 AM
I went grocery shopping today. Being the kind of person that trys to stay out of debt, I was thumbing through the local flyers and happened upon a sale at...we'll call it Food Kitty...for some soft drinks for $2.99 for a 24 pack. So I hopped in my car and went toot-sweet down to the local location. I parked in the back of the lot, since obviously everyone else in this metropolis of 400 total residents seemed to have read the same flyer. I considered myself lucky, since I didn't have to park all the way across town (i.e. across the street) and hoofed it towards the Kitty. The drinks were there (albeit few remaining) in their strong bluish boxes, all proudly proclaiming themselves to be "Diet", and sitting there waiting...no...inviting me to buy them. So I did. Four 24 packs. It wasn't really all that easy. The feeding frenzy had begun, you see. "Two days ago I saw a vehicle that would haul that tanker..." As I walked into the door with a smile on my face thinking of the future carbonated beverages I might enjoy, I was tripped by a redneck in a plaid shirt and sporting a mullet. Thinking quickly, I threw beer at him and nullified his Southerner powers. I regained my feet and made my way toward the Sale Items, but I was body-checked by a blue-hair in a shopping scooter and tumbled into the fresh produce aisle. Using what tools availed themselves, I then started throwing asparagus stalks at the elderly motorized blue-hair. One asparagus caught in her wheel, and she flipped head over wheels into the magazine aisle. I hopped into my trolly, and skateboarded down the aisle. Behind me, others had caught on and started throwing various salad dressings at me. I answered back with a volly of various cheeses. I landed a cheddar and a cottage on the lead pursuit trolly, but he got me in the eye with a Thousand Island, and I swerved into the milk coolers. Shooting sparks down the milk coolers on two wheels, my trolly was so close to going over that I wet myself just a bit. But I regained balance and even had the presence of mind to grab a carton of eggs as I finally made the turn down the back aisle. Gaining speed, I knew my fellow shoppers must slow down in order to turn. While my trolly went full bore down the back aisle, wheels chirping, I sat backwards in the basket and started hurling eggs. It worked. The lead trolly hit the yolks and skidded into a death spiral, taking out the two following trollys. The one to the left landed in the meats, but the one to the right simply didn't have any traction and ran over the lead trolly, sending the sad faced elderly gentleman skidding across the floor. On the home stretch now, I made the final turn and grabbed the drinks. I made the best speed I could to the checkout, when I felt a breaking pain in my knee. I briefly saw a can of SpaghettiOs with a hunk of my denim jeans spiraling away. I looked back, and saw The Humongous. I mean she was huge. Must have been 400lbs. We're talking Mutual of Omaha's Wide Kingdom. She had a mustache on her lip and fire in her eyes. Eight kids with her too, all giving me the finger. Having learned "Situational Awareness" from my time in the military, I quickly decided my best course of action: "Look! Is that one of your daddies over there?!" The abrupt turning of all their heads looking for unpaid support collapsed the weakened trolly, who probably felt that being scrap metal isn't so bad after all, and sent various children flying into the Deli department. At the checkout I paid cash, because I didn't want to be a bugger about it. ~Gangrel

gangrel_in_london

Joined: 9/24/2004

Msg: 1 (view)

My New Winter Coats and Why I Have Them Posted: 10/22/2006 4:48:00 AM
Well, it's that time again in what is laughingly refered to the Midwest States (although technically, the midwest is about Nebraska to the Rockies). It's getting colder, the lawns are just about done for the season, and even the Amish are starting to wish they lived in Florida. Fall weather is quickly approaching (and in the North, winter...wow), and with it come the people cleaning out the heaters, the chimneys, and putting up Eviction notices for the moths in the boxes of winter clothing. Or, in my case, spiders. As a young boy growing up just a bit more North than where I currently live, I can say that the seasons did not permit spiders to grow to such size that they are likely to steal a hamburger off of your plate. In the backwoods of Kentucky, however, it seems that not only are they quite large, but they also have a very good Union. When I opened a box of assorted jackets and cold-weather gear this past week, a Union Representative scurried up my arm and made quite a good arguement for the continued use of the box as a residence. The only saving grace was that as I screamed and fell backwards, arms flailing about, no one was there to see it. The bad part was that the attic door was open and as I fell backwards, I went through that part of the attic floor that was now a Hole of Doom. I lay there stunned for a couple of seconds, just so I could give my body enough time to send a damage report to my brain. Sadly, my brain had decided that damage or no, it was not going to lay idly by while a multi-legged slap-in-the-face of all that is cute-n-cuddly found various parts of my anatomy to hide in. After I recoverd my footing, I did that weird sort of dance that most people do after running into a spiders web. In other words, my arms and legs went into Automatic Anti-Spider mode, and if witnessed by someone that doesn't know you just ran into a web, can cause some odd responses. Calling 911, for instance. "911, what is your emergency?" "Yeah...this guy...he was just walking down the street....and he just lost it...started screaming...I think he's having a seizure or something...he keeps screaming to get it off of him...he might be hallucinating...better bring a tazer or something." So it was for the better then that it happened in my attic. It wasn't better, however, that I was dealing with what was the arachnid equivilant of a Wooly Mammoth, and not something relatively harmless like a web. No, this was the true webmaster. The eater of all it surveys. And at that moment it was somewhere on my body. Before I get to the end, I want the reader to understand something. This wasn't a spider like you might find trying to hide in the upper corner of the bedroom. No, that's almost cute by comparison. The spider I was dealing with was a wolf spider, and it was about the size of my hand. This isn't something you squash with your foot. This is something you throw spears at. If it was a docile little corner spider, I might have asked if it wanted a beer and we could sit back and watch MythBusters. As it was, it was attacking me with such verocity that I believe it meant to drag me into the box with it so the tenants of said box might have enough food for the winter. So, the thing about wolf spiders, besides being covered in nasty looking fur, is that they are also quite fast. I mean fast. It is difficult to outrun one, either in order for you to kill it or in this case in order to save oneself from being pursued. I found the spider by feeling its weight on the back of my pants leg. I lost all sense of pride and went into Fight-or-Flight. I did all that I could do, which at that point was scream in much the same way as I did back when I was in Kindergarten getting beat up by a rather large girl (long story). For some reason I jumped forward. I can't recall why, exactly, but at the time I also didn't recall a wall being in my flight path. The spider fell off, and ran towards me. It hit the staircase and went back into the attic. For my part, I had enough sense to fold the staircase and close the door in record time. After I calmed down a bit, I went shopping for a new set of winter clothes, a new 4 x 8 sheet of paneling, and some bug bombs. I intend to set them off tomorrow. But judging from previous experience, I'll come home from work and he'll be sitting in my chair, smoking the bug bomb, and telling me to get him a beer out of the fridge. Hope he likes MythBusters. ~Gangrel

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