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cadillactramp

Joined: 7/4/2006

Msg: 37 (view)

what does emotionally unavailable mean Posted: 6/5/2007 10:40:55 AM
Though message post number 7 had some great points and some do apply to someone who's emotionally unavailable, due to experience I would have to say that it sounds more like this archetypal individual is emotionally neglectful. Emotionally Unavailable is more along the lines of (I believe post 23) Lilacprincess. Anyone who's dated someone who is just out of a relationship, usually a long term one and wanting to shed themselves of that pain and loneliness will shower you with affection and all the love you've probably never seen or felt before. And usually it's with a great bond of friendship as well. And it's incredibly intense, with talks of moving in and talks of the future - usually sooner than any other relationship you've been in. (Even when you know in your mind that this is really quick and probably too fast for yourself). But you can get swept up in everything very easily, how can you not when you're getting dinners made for you or little notes left or flowers for no reason? They want to be in a relationship again so they will do whatever they can to replicate what they had but with a new person. That new person is their key to happiness and a lifelong friend. You may not be in it for the same reasons because you know that they're not in the same frame of mind but when you have one or two arguments and they're talking couples counselling - AFTER ONE MONTH, they're not really into that particular relationship. (They're still stuck in the past one and they are truly; EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE). Even if they tell you they're not, all that intense love and frienship that was between you is more or less a façade that will come crashing down. Hate to say it, but I've been through both. First one hurt more because that was true love. You know they love you truly but they've got hobbies or work that supercedes them being able to give you the love and attention you deserve. Along with other things. But like everyone else says, you live and learn and realize that not everyone is the same. You come to realize what to look for and what you don't want in a relationship. Be glad you're out of there and find someone that deserves you - simple as that.

cadillactramp

Joined: 7/4/2006

Msg: 62 (view)

Breaking up via email - is it the new way to end it? Posted: 6/3/2007 1:40:59 AM
"Email breakups are for people who can't face up to their problems" (And might I add, have too many issues as it is to deal with another human decently) You said it! Ten months with one person, my email came over the day after I had spent the night at his place. He made us breakfast, told me to bring more of my "stuff" over to his place for when I stay over more often so that I would be more comfortable again when I stayed over and told me that he loved me. (You know the lines). Same stuff you hear, or so they think you want to hear when you see them back on this site less than a week later and they have over 50 favourites. But they swear they just signed up a day ago....yeah, okay sure. You feel shock and initial disappointment because you were once friends as well. But now you realize that you're lucky to have gotten out of that disastrous mess. Especially since you've found out that the lies they told you in the beginning, he's told to his new girlfriend. (He won't change and he won't treat her any differently, it'll always be the same). Now, it's only too bad that she's incredibly controlling and has basically taken whatever he did have between his legs and is calling all the shots. (Why do I care, you ask)? Only because I can't stand having her leaving the harassing messages on my voice mail. (Which he swears are not her, of course). She's horribly insecure and paranoid but she's his princess and can't do anything wrong. Though I never lied to him and was always open and honest - she's telling him how it's going to be so she's the one that's right. So as some have said on here, we meet on the computer so why can't we just part on here as well? (I hated it when I heard it but put it this way, if the guy or girl has so little respect for you or the relationship/situation, they're not worth you're time and soon you'll realize that you don't even want them in your life. And karma always comes full circle so eventually they'll get a good idea of what they're doing to others out there. By the way ladies, when the guy I was seeing decides he's had enough of his current gf - he'll be back on here in no time at all. So keep an eye out for him and watch out ladies - he's to die for! Anyone that racks up over 60 in less than 2 days, you know he's hot!!

cadillactramp

Joined: 7/4/2006

Msg: 38 (view)

Death Ok for Child Rapist? Posted: 5/23/2007 1:47:18 PM
In response to this thread; (alaskarain) in particular... Pedophilia is a mental illness, though of course they come off as everyday people, just like most that do have any other mental illness. They're not walking around salivating and drooling at the sight of children or growing fangs and claws at the scent of someone to rape. And contrary to what most think, pedophilia (specifically) is not the result of childhood abuse. And when they are charged and imprisoned they do have the option of entering into a rehabilitation program for early release. (At least here in Canada they do). I'm pretty sure in the States it's the same. It's easily found out by looking up the statute on this crime. A lot will opt out and just decide to serve their time and get out when time's done and some will take the rehab courses to show good faith and hope for an early parole. If you look at the recidividism rate through Psychology journals or even prison rates, both are very high for both groups. (A large group will agree that the rehabilitation does nothing but make the imprisoned look better to the parole board. It does nothing in terms of cognitively changing the way they operate). I can sympathize with you (alaskarain) for what you went through as a child and can only hope that you are seeking the help you need now to get through it. (It is a lifelong sentence for the victims). That is never matched in time for the abuser. And I'm not just speaking from a Psych point of view, I'm speaking from the point of view as a daughter of a pedophile that I no longer have any contact with. (I have no shame in telling others because I would rather educate others on this subject and also let them know that they don't always choose their own children and it's not something that is passed down). We have no choice in picking our parents. But from my stance as a daughter of a pedophile, I DO want him to suffer as he's made others suffer. (No doubt about that). I have absolutely NO tolerance for this subject matter at all, even though he's part of what brought me into this world. (I don't call him dad, that's for sure). I do happen to think that the death penalty is too easy of a way out. I stand behind involuntary chemical castration and still having to post whenever they move and where they settle. (Same goes for prisons - they shouldn't be hidden from other criminals, let them be known for what they've done. I know it's a prison setting but they're won't be any high-fives for raping a child or rape at all). I also think that the sentences are too short for the crimes comitted. (Each crime should match the length of time served and that should also take into consideration the victim(s) involved). Honestly, if I knew where he was at this point I would find a way to let others know what he's done. Though there's no way that I want him in my life at all. My mom and I cut ties when I was just over 5 for obvious reasons, (I should say my mom did) and I don't want him in my life at all. But rather than taking the chance of having him connect with me and find me and be in my life - I can only hope that he is incarcerated or has passed on.

cadillactramp

Joined: 7/4/2006

Msg: 24 (view)

Just learned he's probably a sociopath... Posted: 4/12/2007 2:15:15 PM
I'm curious as to know why you chose to jump right into your 'diagnosis' of Sociopath, or even look up Sociopath for your friend. In all honesty, could it have anything to do with Martha Stouts' ever popular book out right now, "The Sociopath Next Door"? Great book and she is a leading practitioner in her field for treating individuals with personality disorders but there's a downside to the book. It's spiking hysteria in readers that have no interaction with the mental health field or read too much into it. (Psychomatically = making up or finding illnesses in others because they sort of fit the profiles). It's the same as coming across a webpage and deciding that an ex or a bad friend must be bipolar because they never treated you very well. (Or better yet, let's call them narcississtic because they only thought of themselves that time you two went to a specific place and you were left out of a specific activity or conversation). What I'm getting at here is that, ONLY A HIGHLY TRAINED PSYCHOLOGIST OR PSYCHIATRIST CAN DIAGNOSIS ANOTHER PERSON. (And personality disorders are the hardest to detect or diagnosis and treat, let alone someone that has no training or schooling in the field). In this particular scenario I would think that it's more of a young guy roped in an older woman that he saw as vulnerable and lonely and he knew that if he played his cards right, she would provide him with what he "needed" or "wanted". (I know it hurts to hear it, but when it's put bluntly sometimes it's easier to put words into action and realize what you need to do). I'm not going to comment on most opinions' on here because there's maybe two or three that have any idea of how the mind works in terms of mental illness, or have had any real interaction with someone with a mental illness. But I will say that some mental illnesses MAY be genetic (still a debate in the World of Psychology), when it comes to personility disorders, start off with Borderline Personality Disorder and do some reading if you want to educate yourself and you'll see that most of these disorders stem from childhood and aren't the individuals' fault. (Typically, it's sexual abuse or some kind of abuse very early on or earlier on in their life that leaves emotional scars. The personality disorder is a result of defense mechanisms that the child developed to dissociate with the awful situations they went through. And yes, these can and usually carry through to adulthood). That's why they usually say that people with personality disorders have little to no conscience or the ability to seem cold sometimes. (It's their ability to block out bad memories to help better deal). Essentially. And if your friend did have a true mental illness such as being a sociopath or even BPD you wouldn't notice it. What you would notice first and foremost is either an anxiety disorder or depression that's horribly debilitating or keeping them from having a fulfilling life. But even at that, it's not your place really to diagnose them unless you know firsthand the symptoms or what to look for. (Or they ask for your help). I don't really like to tell someone what to do with their life but in terms of mental health, don't go off of one or two or even five pages of one illness and decide that that's what someone has. (It's not your place to judge someone else, especially when it's not your profession). And it just becomes more true with each page you read or each fact - you can have yourself believing anything if you want too. (That's how the mind works - whether you have a mental illness or not).

cadillactramp

Joined: 7/4/2006

Msg: 258 (view)

Would you date someone who is separated? Posted: 4/3/2007 6:15:35 PM
Okay, the thing here is that I don't think everyone is always worried about their new mate going back and having sex with the ex. If that was the problem then it wouldn't only apply to separated or divorced individuals. (It would be all of us and that would under a thread for self-esteem). This has more to do with the emotional state of the separated person you're about to enter into anything with. If they're just out of a relationship that was over 5yrs or 10+ and it's been weeks or only a few months, do you think that they're ready to be in a new relationship with someone completely new? Some will say yes because the marriage or relationship has probably dissolved or broken down earlier than the actual separation. But if you think of it this way, prior to the actual separation there was still all that time together that you have memories and routines together. You have a PAST that you need to get over before you can start filling your emotional, mental, and soulful state. You want to at least know that the person you're starting a new adventure with has taken time to get to know themselves on their own, rather than jumped from rebound to rebound to keep from dealing with past issues. (Neediness [sp] and co-depedency are way too easy to spot, it's like the smell of desperation). If you catch a whiff - run the other way!

cadillactramp

Joined: 7/4/2006

Msg: 255 (view)

Would you date someone who is separated? Posted: 4/3/2007 6:03:54 PM
I totally agree with you GreenEyesAndHam - that is, if I were to ever get myself into this situation again. (WHICH I WON'T) Getting involved with someone during their separation was nothing but lies, deep-seeded anger and other emotions that came with coming out of a long term relationship (short term marriage). And of course, I was the rebound that got to spend all this fun time with this person. (My initial idea was that I could be the helpful friend because I've been there before). But what most will find is that anyone coming out of a failed relationship/marriage - even if it's too soon, is that they'll shower you with endless affection and be incredibly charming and usually sweep you off of your feet. (Even if you're trying to keep it on a friendship basis, it's hard to resist if you've missed the affection or partnership for awhile, so be aware). Or, especially if you already had a connection before. I would almost recommend talking to the spouse, even if you're just going to be friends so you know the whole deal and what you're getting yourself into. Better to be safe and prepared than left with no friend and a broken heart. Been there and will never do it again. (Lost a possible great friend and heart is now not on my sleeve so quickly). But he's just one guy...and not what I base every guy on. (At all). Good luck and you'd be surprised how quickly time flies... CT

cadillactramp

Joined: 7/4/2006

Msg: 219 (view)

Your Worst Kissing Experience Posted: 4/1/2007 2:38:44 PM
Went out with one guy who thought kissing meant.... Open - Push tongue as far into mouth as possible in a probe-like (snake) manner - Start biting. (And I mean biting lips, tongue and HARD). It wasn't a playful thing or even remotely a turn on, it hurt! I kept trying to tell him to ease up and relax but somehow, that made him more excited. I ended up with a blue and purple fat lip the next day and a cut on my tongue. Sadly enough, this wasn't my first kiss...

cadillactramp

Joined: 7/4/2006

Msg: 41 (view)

dumped by text Posted: 3/26/2007 1:43:23 AM
With all of this technology...are we all losing the personal touch with everything? I'd say so...mine wasn't by text but he wasn't really big on the whole texting thing - it cost him money. So after what, like 9months or ten and reluctantly spending the night over at his place and having him tell me the next day that I should bring over more of my stuff to make myself feel more comfortable again. (I had taken it home previously because we had a short 2week stint apart). I GOT THE EMAIL LETTING ME KNOW THAT HE COULDN'T CONTINUE ON WITH THINGS ANYMORE. HE LOVED ME AND ALL THIS OTHER STUFF (BLAH, BLAH, BLAH...) BUT WE BOTH NEEDED TO WORK ON OTHER ISSUES BY OURSELVES. Yeah, whatever... That email came over on February 2nd and by the 9th I had a friend see his profile on here. (Brand spanking new and somehow his explanation was that he just posted it a day ago - but he had well over 60 favourites). And a week later, his profile was hidden but supposed to be taken down completely, or so he told his new gf - that was their agreement because even though they were casually dating - they were exclusive. I also found out that he not only started off that relationship with lies (as he did with me) on when we broke up, but he kept his profile up and changed it from time to time for about another month and a half while this girl thought she was the only girl he had his sights on. He'll never change so I coul'dn't be happier that he's no longer in my life and his lies unravelled as they did. (He stood there looking the fool as I found out here and there that he lives in a fantasy world). I just wish I could warn all ladies out there of this guy because he'll be back on here again...probably sooner than later. If someone can't be man or woman enough to give you the respect you deserve and face you with the answers you deserve - be glad that they're out of your life and find someone that's worth your time! (They're clearly not).

cadillactramp

Joined: 7/4/2006

Msg: 39 (view)

So how mature was your break up? If it was at all. Posted: 3/11/2007 1:23:23 PM
Mine was an email the day after I slept over and after almost a year together, think he's taking my calls now? Or have I even seen him since - not a chance! Oh, but I did see his face on his new profile a couple of days later on this site.... I think my position was already filled before I got my Dear Joanie email. Too bad the new girlfriend has no idea that he's started off the new relationship with his usual lies. But at least I'm out and will never look back at that one fondly, too damaged. BTW, do I need to reiterate whether it was mature or not? (I didn't think so)

cadillactramp

Joined: 7/4/2006

Msg: 136 (view)

Anyone have any good advice for dating SEPARATED people? Y or N? Posted: 3/11/2007 12:48:53 AM
Don't ya love it????? What does the term "legally separated" actually mean? Any thoughts on that? Nuthafish... Legally separated means nothing. There are no papers to fill out or file with the courts, as I saw my now ex go through the whole process of his divorce with his wife. (Well, actually he did it all on his own while she was off with her new boyfriend). All that has to be proven is that one year has passed and the two have been living separately for an uncontested divorce. If it's contested, then paperwork such as rent receipts or separate bills will need to be provided to prove that they were at separate residences or in the case of the one that doesn't want to divorce, then both names have to be on the bills or prove that both were in the same residence within the year. So you can check the Law Courts site for BC over and over...there is no paperwork to file for separating legally. Nothing is legal until the big D is finally taken care of. There are forms and kits at bookstores that will sell you "legal separation" kits but they also sell you "do it yourself divorce kits" and they're not up to date and they'll make you redo the forms with the proper ones that have to be picked up at the Law Courts. Help ya' out?

cadillactramp

Joined: 7/4/2006

Msg: 135 (view)

Anyone have any good advice for dating SEPARATED people? Y or N? Posted: 3/11/2007 12:36:51 AM
I can say that I've been there and I'm not so much as bitter about him emailing me the goodbye letter and posting a new profile within a day or two (or probably before) hitting send, as I am about losing a great friend. Well, what I thought was a great friend. Wife had left him and he had told me that it had been at least three months that he had been separated but because she was in the film industry and travelled so much, he had basically been living on his own for over a year when we met. (Lie number one that came out months later, by accident). Turns out she had just come back from a pleasure trip of her own and broke the news and he turned to the site for solace. So, in actuality we met each other within a week of their ending their 13yr relationship/marriage. So I became his friend, shoulder and therapist. Not that it was a bad thing but it became a trainwreck of a situation. Him always telling me that he was over her and that I kept bringing her up in conversation and the underlying anger that he had inside of him. Initially, we were just friends for about two months. But someone just out of marriage or separation will lavish you with love and affection, like you won't believe. Eventually, it wears off and you'll be left wondering whom you're with. After about two months, the lines got a little blurry (which is where I really wish they wouldn't have). He really needed a close friend to help him through things instead of helping him to just replace a void where she once was. (I don't think he was trying to replace me with her, don't get me wrong. But I was definitely a rebound). And as much as we do or did have in common, we'll never be friends again. Too many lies to hide the past from me, for what reason - I'm still not sure. But one thing is for sure, there's definite healing to go through - it's normal. (It's normal for any relationship that you shared with another). Especially when you've grown with another for so many years, how can you just end it and not expect to feel hurt and all kinds of emotions? It's not possible. I hate to use the term baggage but in a way after we've all had relationships and pasts, we all have baggage. But jumping from one relationship such as a marriage or long term relationship will take someone time to heal and learn to live by themselves and get to know themselves again. (And I've definitely learned that some will use creative stories to make it sound like they're ready to be back on the dating scene. But once you get involved, you'll know if they are or not - watch their actions. If you find that you're being blamed for everything or there's arguments or fights over things such as "no I didn't say that about my wife....or, you brought her up this time..." You're more than likely not losing your mind, it's time to do a check and realize that it's too early. Unless you're a jealous person and you're trying to push for too much too soon with this person. But for me, almost a year in (don't know how), the email came after spending the night and after signing in one night to wander around the site - guess who's face I saw? He was already on and had been for awhile - it was easy to tell by the number of favourites. (We're all not stupid here). And within about two weeks of dropping me - he's hooked up and in another relationship but was still surfing for others while they had both decided to take their profiles down. (He was just hidden). So what have I learned? Someone just out of marriage or separation will lavish you with love and affection, like you won't believe. But eventually, it wears off and you'll be left wondering who you're with. Also, If you don't give yourself time to heal - you're just going to keep doing the same thing over and over. Looking for the next person to fill any and all voids that are still left over. Sorry to lose a friend but he never knew me and I obviously never knew him. I feel pity for him because he won't get help, he'll just keep using women until he finds himself in the reverse situation, a loveless marriage or worse, gets someone pregnant. Wish all the best but I mean this because it did hurt to come out of that situation - look out for yourself or you could be the heartbroken one next. (And it's one of the worst feelings).

cadillactramp

Joined: 7/4/2006

Msg: 281 (view)

Why do some guys that look too handsome to be real go for average are ugly women? Posted: 2/25/2007 1:58:07 AM
How about this... For everyone that thinks they're 'too good looking' to just be with someone 'average' or 'ugly' or the ones that think that they're too ugly to get anyone hot - it's all subjective. A person that may be hot to one girl or guy is not going to be attractive to another. (We don't all have the same interests so who's to say that some guy is "too handsome"? Or some woman is "too average"? Dig a little deeper people, could it be the guy is really not that bright and the woman is using him for a short term thing? Or maybe they're just a good match intellectually or like many adults, they see past the physical façade and there's more to the individual before them. It has nothing to do with whether "these women will be better or easier to do or live with." What an inane generalization. Could we possibly come up with a better thread than this one? Something worthwhile, possibly?

cadillactramp

Joined: 7/4/2006

Msg: 1352 (view)

A Few Extra Pounds Posted: 2/23/2007 4:46:54 PM
That's sort of the thing with these sites...if you actually plan on meeting someone, is it not better to describe yourself as what your type really is? We all have different preferrences and not all of us just go on the physical when meeting someone. But on the flipside, it's not just disappointing but it's lying to mark yourself as say 'average' or 'athletic' or 'thin' when you're clearly not. (Or, of course any of the other categories). And the reason I say that is because of the above. If you meet up with someone that you think is going to be thin or athletic and they end up definitely not being so, it's a way of lying right from the start. (And this is in no way bashing body types, it's all about being secure with who you are and representing yourself truthfullly). No one should be ashamed of their bodies or trying to please others. If someone doesn't like you for who you are - what do you care? This is a site of strangers and if you let everyone's opinion actually get to you, then you need to dig deeper and work on the self-esteem first. (And I don't mean that in a malicious way, at all). We all have preferrences and many men would rather choose a woman with curves over a woman who diets to fit the mold of many models in magazines. Though, I think most of us also know the code for most of these labels anyways by now, don't we? (Thin = average, Average = a few extra pounds, and so on). Or so it's been for most sites and this doesn't seem to be an exception. The last person I met and saw, is always marked as "average" on here but he's not of an average build - he's definitely got some weight to lose to be classified as average. (And I'm not talking 5-10lbs, he should have classified as the next category up). But it's not always the outer appearance that we're attracted too, there's personality taken into account as well when looking at the whole package - as well as much, much more. So never be ashamed of yourself and never feel the need to lie or hide yourself. (Be who you are and you'll be loved for being confident and loving yourself)!

cadillactramp

Joined: 7/4/2006

Msg: 44 (view)

Sociopaths Posted: 2/15/2007 4:49:52 PM
(Xander) Thank you for clarifying the real criteria to which a sociopath or psychopath (to which they are actually interchangeable) are defined. You can't pick up a book like Martha Stouts' The Sociopath Next Door which is how this thread started and think you have it all figured out. By the way, it should have been noted that you took all of your information directly from her book because that's where it came from - I've read it. (LaurenBee). (Sociopathy and Psychopathy) Both personality disorders that someone suffers from and they are the hardest to determine in an individual and also the hardest to treat. They affect about 4% of the population (more than most would think. The rates are higher than colon cancer, schizophrenia and many mood disorders). The sad thing is, it's usually a coping mechanism that young children develop themselves when going through highly stressful, periods of early abuse. (Usually at the hands of someone they trust such as a family member or very close family friend that may have been put in the position of trust). Usually sexual abuse leaves the child to develop a sense of "leaving their own mind or body" because it's such a highly stressful time for the child. When they're grown up and it usually surfaces as a mood disorder such as anxiety/depression first, this is what usually gets them into therapy for help. This dissociative state (leaving their own mind or body when something harmful or something they see as a stressful period) is something they've carried over from thier trauma. And usually an early indicator of a personality disorder. What everyone needs to realize is that yes, there are many out there that have personality disorders because of what others have done to them. But it doesn't mean that they're going to be the next Ted Bundy or Dahmer. Most are actually the opposite. They don't harm anyone but themselves. Usually, self-harm is what you want to save someone from who has a personality disorder. Individuals with personality disorders, usually can't keep relationships together, keep harming themselves becaues of what's happened to them in the past and have have trust issues. So rather than buying into what all movies say about sociopaths and psychopaths - get a little more info and realize that you need ALL THE INFO before you go running scared from everyone around you. (There's a lot of people hurting from what others did to them and they're not out to hurt you, they want to heal). Martha Stout did a very good job in her book but you have to have a good understanding of the other points she's making as well. (She clearly lets you know that not all people without conscience are bad, or the "Devil You Know". You have to under a little of the Psychology behind it). A good book to look at if you're interested in find out more or if you have someone close to you that's suffering from a personality disorder is: Marsha M. Linehan's book called Cognitive Behavioral Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder . There is also a website that you can check out (among many others) but this is very easy to go through and give you easy facts. www.BPDCentral.com And for anyone in this thread that called someone or anyone 'psycho', you're one of the reasons that there are still so many stigmas these days with mental health. And so much misunderstanding and frustration because there's a lot more individuals out there that suffer from some form of mental illness, (whether it be depression or anxiety or what have) that someone that's close to you probably does and is afraid to come to you for help. If everyone could get a little more educated, mental illness wouldn't be such a bad word. It's part of life and it's happening because of our lifestyles and having others to turn too, would make it a lot easier for so many. Put yourself in someone elses' shoes - some are not that easy to walk in daily.

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