Mid-Age (40s-early50s) Meet EVERY TUESDAY Brownies 23 East Ardmore!!! chat & forums.

Show ALL Forums

Posted In Forum:

Home

MyForums

Author

Thread: Mid-Age (40s-early50s) Meet EVERY TUESDAY Brownies 23 East Ardmore!!!

yourgirl

Joined: 9/27/2004

Msg: 1 (view)

Mid-Age (40s-early50s) Meet EVERY TUESDAY Brownies 23 East Ardmore!!! Posted: 5/18/2010 10:00:31 AM
Free! No cover or event fee! EVERY TUESDAY evening starting at 6:00PM If you are in your 40s to early 50's, meet at Brownies 23 East! 23 E. Lancaster Ave. Ardmore, PA 19003 610-649-8389 EVERY TUESDAY evening starting at 6:00PM (starting May 2010, thru summer) Join us right after work, grab a drink and have a bite to eat, meet friends "of a certain age" and have FUN!!! -- and still be home by a decent hour for the next workday. An every-Tuesday-Evening Event, just for age 40s-to-early50s (but all ages are welcome of course!) EVERY TUESDAY evening starting at 6:00PM (starting May 2010, thru summer) Just some of the features: Drink Specials -- Try a "Hey Mikey! He Likes It!" shooter, or designer drinks for our Generation like the "Brat Pack" or "Madonna," PLUS special pricing cocktails and more Food Specials -- '2-for-1' snacks and other special pricing on a wide range of tasty treats QUIZZO -- including Musical Quizzo -- with prizes! MUSIC -- non-stop late1970s-early1980s-era hits AND also enjoy live performances as well! We can even offer the chance to perform Karaoke with a live band backing your performance! Brownies will be having other BIG events fr our age group (but all ages are welcome of course!) in the months to come, and it all starts here! BE THERE! EVERY TUESDAY evening starting at 6:00PM (starting May 2010, thru summer) Host: YourGirl, Vellie

yourgirl

Joined: 9/27/2004

Msg: 9 (view)

missing him...is this love? Posted: 10/26/2006 11:07:30 AM
Go google "LIMERENCE" -- read it, heed it, because that's exactly where you are right now.

yourgirl

Joined: 9/27/2004

Msg: 22 (view)

Be Prepared. Be Very Prepared.... Posted: 10/11/2006 7:55:16 AM
It'd have to be Hermann Hesse's Siddhartha. LOL, paired with a foofy Regency Romance novel, an issue of Asimov's, and maybe the label from a bottle of Tylenol...

yourgirl

Joined: 9/27/2004

Msg: 28 (view)

what would you be.... Posted: 10/11/2006 7:51:02 AM
I am already a phoenix, and as far as a non-mythical critter would go, I'd be a cat: do right by me and I'll be your cuddly, purring companion; don't and I'll ignore you completely. Ex? a bull (and yes a Taurus, couldn't be more apt for all that I generally don't buy-into that stuff): stolid, strong and yet stubborn and capable of violence.

yourgirl

Joined: 9/27/2004

Msg: 2 (view)

What makes or breaks a relationship is the way we fight. Posted: 10/11/2006 7:44:57 AM
I think you definitely have something there. The fighting doesn't define the relationship, but it sure does tell a lot about the dynamics, power issues, and so on. If you can't "fight fair" then how can you attain resolution? To me, it's about each side honestly, clearly, comprehensively and COMPASSIONATELY setting-forth their position, whatever the problem or disagreement is. A lot of people can't even do that essential starting point, because they work from a basis of defensiveness or fear or anger or not telling the whole story, which clouds the issue at-hand and imbues their expression with all sorts of negatives, which are just opportunities to get off on an unrelated tangent. From there it's about negotiating logically, calmly, and COMPASSIONATELY, until you reach a mutually-satisfactory resolution. Not bullying, threatening, grandstanding, bringing-up things from 2 weeks or 2 years ago, no personal, emotional attacks, no "always" or "never." That's all fighting UNfairly and it seems to be more common than not. It's hard because people become very attached to their position. They want to be right/on-top/the "winner", rather than being cooperative/coordinated WITH their partner. If you can't argue fairly about whether the toothpaste gets rolled from the bottom or squeezed from the middle, how do you expect to negotiate the REAL issues? I swear, people ought to be required from childhood to take courses in logic and debate, to develop their techniques for resolving conflicts. Funny thing is, I am a person who fights this way and I get told I am "too logical," "too hardnosed," "too dispassionate," as though logic and being consistent in presenting/supporting my position were a bad thing. Yet, if you can introduce a point that convinces me that my position is flawed and you have the better idea, then it's going to be easy to sway me to give-in or alter how far I'm willing to compromise: because it's the logical thing to do! I've had arguments where I stood my ground for an hour and then a point was raised that showed me clearly the sense in capitulating and boom, end of discussion -- and yet the other person was flabbergasted: they wanted to argue more, to convince me more, when I was already convinced, because they were on an emotionally-driven roll. Another key point is that resolutions don't have to be "win/lose," and yet somehow sometimes it seems that it's harder to compromise! As though by giving-in a bit you "lose." And resolutions/compromises don't have to be immediately permanent, they can be "let's try your way for a week and re-visit this next week to review how it went." Sometimes just trying things will show their sense. PS and just as a thought: best is to communicate consistently as much as you can, so it never GETS to the point of argument!

yourgirl

Joined: 9/27/2004

Msg: 20 (view)

Gift giving-Turn off? Posted: 10/10/2006 9:20:04 AM
I too, almost never go to someone's place without a "guest gift" (a.k.a. "hostess gift" back in the day) -- usually it's something inconsequential like a bunch of flowers or a box of exotic tea, or something I've baked, a modest bottle if I know their tastes (gotta love those "best under $20" wine-lists) ... I actually keep a stock of lil things to use for that purpose and at the holidays I make sure I have a couple of dollar-store trays/bowls and some sweets/ribbon-candy or the like, for impromptu invites. It's just being gracious and a way of saying "thanks for your hospitality." The point is to make the gesture, not to do something so big they feel an obligation. As re: gifting someone who "lost their watch," so long as you have a sound relationship with the recipient, and you're getting a plain-ole watch versus a high-end watch, then I think that's charming and thoughtful -- Tho it might lead someone less-well-acquainted to feel a sense of obligation, which rather scotches the idea behind the gesture. Just be sure you retain the receipt and let them know they can return/exchange it for another preferred style, with your blessing (nothing worse than a gift that's what you don't want). For first-date gifting, perhaps you can just "gift" them with your complete attention, your open ears, mind and heart, and with your congeniality. Nuff time for gifting a partner as the relationship develops (you can find out favorite flowers on date one, and then give a small bouquet on date two). Not to be materialistic, but I am a person who responds to tangible expressions of affection. This is not about gold-digging, but how sweet "I saw this today and thought of you," for some little thing, would be on a dull evening after work. It's not about scale, there are just those people (including me) for whom this works. I do this for friends/family frequently and they just know it's my way and I "don't mean anything by it," other than expressing affection. Save the big guns for special occasions. Curious: do YOU like being given tokens like this and this habit is perhaps a way for you to "show by example" a way to your own heart? I know that's part of it for me. It's all about not overwhelming with the gesture. And you seem to have good intentions.

yourgirl

Joined: 9/27/2004

Msg: 15 (view)

Women having children with older guys..?? Posted: 10/3/2006 11:25:07 AM
give me a young viral sexy guy Eek! What'll be left when that "young, sexy guy's" virus runs its course? Me, I'll stick with the virile ones... I'm sorry, this just tickled the Grammar Nazi in me! Back on-topic: people will likely/generally have children with partners they love, regardless of age. It's not something you can "regulate." Sure, it might be something to keep in mind, but you can't control everything...

yourgirl

Joined: 9/27/2004

Msg: 3 (view)

----Seaside Is still fun in SEPTEMEMBER... Posted: 10/2/2006 7:35:39 AM
I spent several hours yesterday afternoon (that's Sunday Oct 1st) ON THE BEACH in Sea Isle City and it was lovely!!! After the morning rain blew past, it was clear, mild, sunny with beautiful high puffy clouds and a blazing blue sky and I even got a tiny bit pinked/sunburnt! You can't beat that!

yourgirl

Joined: 9/27/2004

Msg: 27 (view)

Philadelphia!! Posted: 10/2/2006 7:28:12 AM
Checking-in from the far-NW (the area that's comprised of Manyunk/ Roxborough/ Andorra/ Chestnut Hill), and while it's as suburban as Philly gets from what I've seen, I'm a "driveway girl" at heart and would far rather be out in the burbs. Paying city tax on my paycheck stinks, and while my local elementary school is (I understand) one of the better ones in the system, even that's not saying much and I'm in a total sweat as to what I'm gonna do when my kids have to go to HighSchool because I can't afford paying tuition and the only local options are either a crime-ridden Roxborough HS or an agricultural-themed vo-tech type HS, neither of which are appropriate/suitable. I get into Town from time-to-time to dine/museum/club with city-mouse friends, but am no city girl.

yourgirl

Joined: 9/27/2004

Msg: 19 (view)

An easy way of getting to know someone, Newbies are w/c Posted: 10/2/2006 7:14:22 AM
1. FIRST INITIAL? ...S... 2. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? Yes, maternal aunt 3. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY? Saturday 4. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? Yes 5. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? Turkey Breast 6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Yes! 8. DO YOU HAVE A JOURNAL? no 9. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? Only when I'm awake 10. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? Yes 11. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? 130feet, back in the 90s, but prolly not anymore 13. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? Not usually 14. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Stronger emotionally and mentally than I am physically 15. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR? A really good french vanilla with the little bean-specks, or maybe butter-pecan 16. SHOE SIZE? women's 10 17. RED OR PINK? Red! 18. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? Physically, like many folks I could lose some weight; Intellectually, that I am more broad than deep; Spiritually, that I believe but can't define what-in; Emotionally, that I am in a place where I feel trapped and repressed and keep living for "someday" 19. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? My buddy George "I wish my brother George were here" 20. PEPSI OR COKE? Cherry/vanilla coke, if I had to choose 21. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? navy trou and blue sandals 22. WHAT IS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? Salmon carpaccio seared with olive oil and served with capers (dinner last night) 23. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? AccuRadio-dot-com's "Swinging Pop Standards" channel, which is playing Jamie Cullum's "Wind Cries Mary" (a sorta-lounge-version of the Hendrix tune) 24 IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Red 25. FAVORITE SMELL? hmm... Autumn leaves, or popcorn, or NagChampa incense... 26.THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED WITH ON THE PHONE? My sister 28. DO YOU LIKE YOUR SENSE OF HUMOUR? Yes 29. FAVORITE DRINK? Amaretto-rocks 30. FAVORITE SPORT? Life 31. HAIR COLOR? Dark auburn 32. EYE COLOR? Hazel-green 33. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? Occasionally, mostly glasses 34. FAVORITE FOOD? Carpaccio's, Chocolate 35. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDING? Happy endings 36. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Saving Grace 37. WHAT COLOR UNDER GARMENTS ARE YOU WEARING? Ivory 38. SUMMER OR WINTER? Can I pick Autumn? 39. HUGS OR KISSES? Kisses 40. FAVORITE DESSERT? Pellman's chocolate torte 41. WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO CALL YOU THIS MORNING? My co-workers, or my sister 42. FAVORITE SEXUAL POSITION? the moment before the first kiss 43. WHAT BOOKS ARE YOU READING? April/May 2006 Asimov's and "Death of a Tart" by Kate Borden 44. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? it's a plain white circle from Ikea 46. FAVORITE SOUNDS? My kids playing, laughter, the surf, skis on snow... 47. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? mid/late Beatles 48. THE FURTHEST YOU'VE BEEN FROM HOME? Morocco 49. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? Not to be too Xena about it but: I have many talents... 50. WHEN AND WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Bucks County PA, autumn 1960

yourgirl

Joined: 9/27/2004

Msg: 9 (view)

I don't want to fall in love again! instead... Posted: 9/29/2006 8:54:50 AM
RainbowFish: maybe its time to change your profession from slave and fool... (what your profile currently says) Rainbow, I hafta say that I generally really like the things you say! I like your take on how the way we term/define ourselves can create our self/reality. As ever, I appreciate your 2cents. And y'know, you're right, I have shaken that "slave" mentality and am no longer thinking in terms of having someone else "complete me" (stick a fork in me! I'm done! lol) so I am going to drop that. Thanks. However, I'm keeping "goddess/fool" -- the "goddess" part is more tongue-in-cheek anyway: I can't help my fabulosity, lol! And I actually like/own being a fool: I don't use that word in the negative "stupid" connotation, but rather the idea of the "holy innocent" or "journeyer" -- heaven knows I have my own silly and/or witless spots and am always looking/learning, so I'm comfortable with that description... Here's my question(s) in return: Can someone be a realist and still be a sometimes-romantic dreamer? How does this detail in self-definition tie-in with eschewing the "fall" into love for "growth" into love instead? If being loved is a form of validation, is wanting love as simple/crass as seeking validation? And if you are a whole person (or as close as one crazy person can functionally get, lol), is wanting the validation of partnership necessarily a bad thing? Thanks RF! and others of course!

yourgirl

Joined: 9/27/2004

Msg: 7 (view)

I don't want to fall in love again! instead... Posted: 9/29/2006 8:27:56 AM
GoldenNugget: I will grow in love. Brilliant! That makes total sense. You're right about the whole "falling" thing. Well said!

yourgirl

Joined: 9/27/2004

Msg: 1 (view)

I don't want to fall in love again! instead... Posted: 9/29/2006 7:37:58 AM
Yeah, you read that right. I don't want to "fall in love" -- that initial rush of infatuation that tends to blind one to reality, the whole "thrill of the hunt" and subsequent letdown thing, who needs it? I mean, sure it's fun, til you wake up and get yer keester kicked. Been there, done that, got the shot-glass. I want to go straight to the "old jeans/flannel jammies" kind of love. To see each other for who we are, accept it, no jockeying for control, no "OMG they didn't call, what does it mean? They did call, what does it mean???" panics... Just mates, as in friends, partners, that sort of "of course I love you, goes without saying" feeling. And along with having those special occasions on a mutually satisfying basis, being able to flop in sweats and no makeup and STILL feel loved. Dare I compare it, the kind of love we parents have for our children from before they're even born, and that still stays strong even when we drive each other bonkers. I dunno about "unconditional," I think that's a pipe-dream for most folks: we all have our funky bits, expectations and places we'll rub -- more like that we can consistently be compassionate and positive in dealing with those "conditions" when they inevitably arise. So -- is it possible, or are we just not wired that way?

yourgirl

Joined: 9/27/2004

Msg: 22 (view)

married so young...why?!?! Posted: 9/28/2006 9:06:24 AM
Umm smjle, did you really just cite Charlotte Church -- no, not even her, but the git who wrote her video script -- as an authority on relationships? snort! One of the reasons medieval females married and bred when they were still in their early-mid-teens was because they weren't PEOPLE, they were PROPERTY! Hey, you want the toaster that pops-out your toast to be new, same thing, just popping-out babies, the males to be heirs/spares and the females to be more property to trade for value. Those girls were just objects to be used as breeding vessels. And fooey on "molding" or "training" younger women in that context: they didn't have lives to speak of so it wasn't required: just shut-up, lay-down and breed or get beaten, and if you're lucky you'd die at 41 with multiple grandchildren. And seriously, even to think in such terms nowadays, that's just ill, if not downright inhumane -- it certainly shows a want of compassion and respect for a fellow human being of equal value who just happens to be female. Can you really believe that any "god" worthy of anyone's belief would promote denigrating half of what is ostensibly "his" human creation in such a way?? Dih. As for why people marry too young, it's often because they aren't getting what they need and haven't been getting it from their parents/family in their formative years, and so they think that trying to create a "new and improved family unit" themselves will make a difference, when they haven't learned the basic skills of HOW to make it work.

yourgirl

Joined: 9/27/2004

Msg: 2 (view)

respected for living up to my word? or stupid for living up to it? Posted: 9/22/2006 5:34:30 AM
Perhaps because you are aware that people (including your buddy) should take responsibility for their own choices?

yourgirl

Joined: 9/27/2004

Msg: 45 (view)

I think I ... talk too much ... Posted: 9/20/2006 8:08:20 AM
My brethren! LOL. I am a talker. Can't seem to help it. I get a kick out of word-play, puns and obscuria, tangents and digressions, turns-of-phrase, slang and colloquialisms, mulling and lively discourse, even debate to an extent. I'll talk glory-days, what's-up, what-if, whatever. And I think I'm reasonably interesting (which is of course a cardinal sin and usually a self-delusion). I get hammered constantly about it. I get flamer emails about my lengthy posts and profile, and spent far too long with a NON-talker man for whom this trait of mine was an ongoing opportunity to abuse me... All of which has scarred my self-confidence in my communication skills and the idea that anyone really even wants to hear me, to the extent that -- outside the bounds of posts and emails where I feel I can go on-and-on (anon (ha!)), and if the recipient doesn't care for it they can skim or just plain skip-it -- that is, in real life, I find myself squirrelled-out, tongue-tied and afraid to talk, shy, uncertain of how I'll be received and certain I'll make a right a$$ of myself. Worse, I work at a job where I am alone 85% of the time, so I have little chance to use up my "quota of words per day," (you know that whole thing about men speak so many words per day and women speak something like 2x that #) and so I am left with a "backlog" of ideas and desire for self-expression that rarely really sees the light of day. I end up talking to myself a lot (inside my head, I'm not one of those street-mutterers -- yet, lol). So I'm thankful for these (and other) online forums, because if I didn't have this ability to vent at least some of my thoughts, yikes! It sure does stink when those with whom I might "converse" via email or IM are monosyllabic or simply not conversant, and it's worse in real life. I've kinda come to just consider this my lot and something I just hafta suck up, so it's especially nice, even validating, to hear from a few others for whom their desire for self-expression and engaging exchange is not always met. I'll hush-up now.

yourgirl

Joined: 9/27/2004

Msg: 22 (view)

HOLY COW CHECK THIS Posted: 9/20/2006 7:18:56 AM
Holy Cow, check this self-promotion! lolol, good for you man, be happy.

yourgirl

Joined: 9/27/2004

Msg: 18 (view)

Wealth, Power, Good Listener: Pick Only One? Posted: 9/19/2006 7:58:37 AM
Money is it's own power and I can pay a shrink to listen to me -- cuz obviously I'm bananas... Only answer I can find for a question so unrelated to the reality I live in, where there are no "all or nothing" choices, just compromises and choices.

yourgirl

Joined: 9/27/2004

Msg: 4 (view)

What's so bad about wearing sox with sandles? Posted: 9/19/2006 7:54:15 AM
Well, I see younger folks (I'm 45, I'm thinking 20s) wearing white socks with mules, and that seems to be common enough, but I know that if it's dark socks with sandals, I'm thinkin' GRANDPA! Perhaps it's generational? Or just fashion choice?

yourgirl

Joined: 9/27/2004

Msg: 48 (view)

More trouble in the Church Singles Group Posted: 9/19/2006 7:28:09 AM
edit

yourgirl

Joined: 9/27/2004

Msg: 5 (view)

Does Anyone Still Go to Halloween Parties? Posted: 9/19/2006 7:06:36 AM
Oh absolutely! Not sure yet what it'll be this year -- I'm leaning towards "night," with a robe that has battery-operated twinkle lights in it as a jumping-off point, but I'm concerned it's too "done..." Last year, I went as "the spirit of the grape" in a brown lurex dress (thrift shop!) and silk grapevines all about, with fake grape-bunches hung from vines, hair... I've done "autumn," in a tattered orange-silk dress, silk autumn leaves all over, bare branches in my hair... a Frazetta Girl like the one on my profile... and easy ones too like "diamonds are a girl's best friend" MarilynMonroe, a Snow Queen with a maribou-trimmed ice-blue lurex gown and plastic icicles for a crown, a 60s go-go girl with a feather wig... I get a huge kick out of costuming and have done costumes for friends (Ziggy Stardust, Braveheart with an authentically-wrapped Plaid, Roman Centurion, Scooby-Doo's Daphne and Thelma for a gay couple I know, Mt.Rushmore for a group costume...) and for my kids: Anubis and the Minotaur one year, a Centaur (with one of those box-bodies), Johnny Appleseed with a battered-pot "hat," this year it's Jack Sparrow and Will Turner from Pirates of the Caribbean... I enjoy the creative outlet (and the prizes, lol), and when you get a group of adults who are still game for this sort of thing, it's usually a lively bunch. About 2 years ago, I went to a party with a SuperHero theme and WOW the costumes were great!

yourgirl

Joined: 9/27/2004

Msg: 20 (view)

So check this out... Posted: 9/18/2006 7:27:46 AM
Ooh! we had 2 Irish Wolfhounds when I was a kid -- lovely lovely dogs! Unlike the dogs being dated in these tales... Why is it that people like ugly dogs, and dogs don't care if their people are ugly, but we can't get over dog-ugly people? Beat'em with the Ugly Stick, yell "fetch!" and throw as far as you can! woof!

yourgirl

Joined: 9/27/2004

Msg: 20 (view)

Lists , Filters or Excuses ? Posted: 9/18/2006 7:15:52 AM
I think being open about your List is a positive thing, because whether you own it or not, if you are looking, you DO have a List. I think that filtering is similarly good, for the same reason. Excuses on the other hand are rarely productive. I think that a key element here is the intention/attitude behind the lists/filters. There's not really any difference in a "what I want" and a "what I don't want" list, other than the spin or attitude behind it. "I want a guy who's compassionate" is(can be) pretty much the same as "I don't want a guy who's critical or brusque." But when you take the positive approach, it reads a lot better to the person who's being sized-up against that list. It's hard to be judged -- or perhaps rather to accept that being judged is a fact of life. And so far as excuses go, sure, there are those who use an unrealistic/ever-changing/fickle list as an excuse in relationships. In that case, walk (compassionately as you can to both them and yourself, but walk). In the end, it's all just a reflection of the writer of the lists and filters: a little reading between the lines, a little time taken to "test drive," will usually suss-out those whose list isn't honest and reasonable.

yourgirl

Joined: 9/27/2004

Msg: 22 (view)

Who wants to live forever? Posted: 9/13/2006 10:06:33 AM
I will live forever: I have children!

yourgirl

Joined: 9/27/2004

Msg: 11 (view)

Cancelled vacation.......need advice! Posted: 9/8/2006 11:57:06 AM
Umm, yeah, cuz women drop big money on airline tickets and spend hours waiting in airports to fly to a foreign country to show up on an Ex's doorstep unannounced, ALL the time! Yeesh. BOOT! can you ebay or craigslist the tickets?

yourgirl

Joined: 9/27/2004

Msg: 15 (view)

blaming the other...... Posted: 9/8/2006 11:36:56 AM
"When you're pointing the finger at someone else, you've got 3 more fingers pointing back at you!" I think that's from an old southern-rock song...

yourgirl

Joined: 9/27/2004

Msg: 8 (view)

Seeking Dads with Daughters! Posted: 9/8/2006 9:07:56 AM
I hafta agree with you Dads who said that this sorta thinking would give you the willies if it were really an actual criteria that someone used in selecting a partner, if someone couldn't separate their fantasies and pie-in-the-sky dreams for simple Reality. If someone wanted me "just" for my sons, I'd think that was weird too. It's one thing to love what you have (which gee-golly do I ever! My guys are THE BEST!) or to appreciate what life has given you (that is, if your "secret wish" just happened to happen, then sure that'd be nice), but it's quite another to "stalk" your fantasies (ewww!) Funny tho, how little fantasy meets reality, huh? The reality is that the Perfect World is, or at least could be, the one we are already in, if we would just accept that. As for me having a daughter, at just-shy-of 46 and slogging thru a divorce, it ain't happening for me. I miscarried my daughter back in 2000 and so I got (most of) my midlife crisis outta the way then: that was such a hard thing to accept. And what with my life as PACKED as it is already, I haven't the time to give to a Big Sis program -- tho that's a very thoughtful and valid option: I've thought of maybe not that but getting more involved with Girl Scouting (I'm a big Scouting Booster, fascist homophobic policies on the male side aside) when my guys empty the nest. Thanks all, for your thoughtful feedback: I enjoy challenging myself (and others) to open, to look at, and maybe even to accept the odder sides of one's self. We all have these funky "weird-isms" of one sort or another -- you know, those things where you say "if anyone knew I thought this/liked this/did this, they'd never like/understand/love me" -- and it's interesting to see how deeply people can react, how we learn about ourselves and others through looking at the bugs under the rocks so to speak. It's kinda cathartic to reveal one's self and find understanding, decent feedback (even if it's "yikes!").

yourgirl

Joined: 9/27/2004

Msg: 10 (view)

Why after two and a half years he still won't commit?? Posted: 9/7/2006 7:54:56 AM
Why after two and a half years he still won't commit?? Because you've shown him he doesn't have to?

yourgirl

Joined: 9/27/2004

Msg: 1 (view)

Seeking Dads with Daughters! Posted: 9/7/2006 7:44:52 AM
LOL how whacked is this? And how indicative of the unrealistic expectations we can develop in online dating, or dating later in life (or just from being silly)? And worst of all, it's about ME! I sometimes mull over the "what-if's" of life after divorce and find myself thinking: In a perfect world, I'd like to meet a man who as well as being "perfect" for me, has sole custody of a young daughter. Why? Because I always hoped to have a daughter and will likely never have one of my own, so if I got a readymade daughter in the partnering deal, how convenient would that be? Oh and young, so I can bring her up myself... Like you can place an order for The Perfect Life (TM) and have it delivered in 4-6 weeks (along with those bonus Ginsu Knives). Yeesh! Now is this normal pie-in-the-sky fantasizing, or is it just weird? I think it's a bit of both, and definitely silly because for pete's sake, how can one know where love will find you? "Oh sorry, I can't date you, you don't fill this bizarre criteria..."?? So it's not like I'm unaware of my own foolishness -- and yet there it is, lurking in the back of my mind... It's something to do with those matching Mother-Daughter ensembles in the Chadwick's catalog: I know they're weird but I like 'em anyway! Eek, shades of Mini-Me! So an open statement of just one of my particular flavors of madness, for yall to consider... (lol, nothing like some balls-out honesty for scaring off the prospects, eh?) Am I really the only one who indulges in such flights of foolishness? Or do others have similarly mental Wish Lists?

yourgirl

Joined: 9/27/2004

Msg: 16 (view)

Will You Marry Me? Posted: 9/7/2006 7:18:19 AM
do people...get married for the sake of being with someone Well, DUHHH! Of course they do! rather than for the true traditional reasons? Which were an exchange of property: land, cattle, some money and oh yeah a woman in there somewhere, but heck, she's just property too. The "traditional reasons" were all about property and nothing about romantic love, and that goes right up into the 20th century; in parts of the world that sort of "traditional" reason is still going on!

yourgirl

Joined: 9/27/2004

Msg: 7 (view)

Am I expecting too much??? Posted: 9/7/2006 7:06:01 AM
Personally I think the guy's fulla crp. But there are also places where you have a few wrinkles. To wit: He can't converse about a serious topic with YOU, his ostensible partner and the other one of the 2 players in this situation -- he has to get a group opinion? Fooey. Be exclusive on 1st date? Whew, controlling much? But I get where you were coming from in making your decision. But by giving in, you chose to give up a measure of control, the first small step on a slippery slope. 2 months and I'm turning into an insecure woman upset by things suddenly but still wanting this to be a good relationship* Huh??? Only 2 months in and you're unhappy? That's bad. Real bad. The fact that you feel insecure and upset by things that mightn't normally hit your buttons, is to me indicative that you are unhappy with the control this guy has in your relationship. (I am reading this from the position of being someone who historically gave up a lot of control in relationships [and had it bite my heinie], and ended up with a verbal/emotional abuser, so in a way I have a particular insight, but feel free to take it with a grain of salt if I seem to be reading in too much.) These are typical, case-book reactions in abusive relationships which is why it rang a bell with me. He's going on POF That's Bull-sht. You BOTH made an agreement, at HIS request, but he gets to break that agreement?? Bull. Total frikkin bull. Did I mention the bull? The fact that you even felt motivated to "check up on him" is also indicative of a serious lack of trust (which seems reasonably founded). should it matter to me if he stays married?* I'd say yes, it should in light of where things are now after just two months. However, I also appreciate that some people when separated are definitely in a no-going-back mode and stay in solely for logistical reasons such as you enumerate -- Bottom line is, so long as it works equally for BOTH of you, then that may be okay for your relationship. However, "it's upsetting him"??? Grow up, pal, you were adult enuf to get married, adult enuf to begin the dissolution process, so deal with it. Combined with the other stuff, it just seems like another get-over/excuse/way for him to stay in control of where the relationship is/goes. she is being nice enough to tell us what would be best to do, go, see on our trip Just me, but if she really is cool with it and happy for him/you, then why not take advantage of any kindness? Some Ex's can have cordial relationships, it does happen. I get that you don't want the Ex as an active part of your relationship, but so long as he is still technically married, and more importantly so long as he's still married-enuf in his own mind that he remains in regular contact with her (I mean really, why would he if there's no kids? If you're out, you're out), you're gonna have to accept that she WILL be a part of whatever you do with him, to whatever degree. Are these all normal things that have to be navigated in a relationship? Not to me they're not: Control issues, mistrust, breaking promises/agreements, him rationalizing his breaking promises, your rationalizing just to be in a relationship, making you insecure and over-sensitive, a pervasive underlying discomfort on your part, him not necessarily being mentally and emotionally out of his marriage much less legally, intrusive Ex issues... Sounds lousy to me. Would a better woman be more secure? "A better woman"??? Did you really just say that about yourself?? Any relationship that brings up that sort of self-doubt and need for external validation is bad, bad, bad. A healthy relationship is supposed to raise you up and confirm in you that you ARE already the best woman. It's a key facet of abusive/controlling relationships that the person on the short end of the stick becomes self-doubtful. And maybe this is a more subtle example of that sort of relationship, or one that is at the lower end of the scale -- or maybe it just hasn't bloomed into its full potential for bringing you down and him being in almost complete control. I smell a rat. Look, you're only 2 months in, but frankly I'd say boot him. Seems he's getting a LOT more out of this than you are (the ability to control your other realtionships, the ability to break promises, the ability to withhold commitment...) Things to consider and sorry so downer, but better to think it over and -- if it's warranted -- get out as clean as you can now, than to get mired in even deeper.

yourgirl

Joined: 9/27/2004

Msg: 13 (view)

We're single because we want to be...we create our own reality Posted: 9/7/2006 6:30:26 AM
Interesting concept, but nothing's 100%. While I agree that to an extent we create our own realities, it is with the caveat that we are creating those out of a grab-bag of experiences both internal and external: Sometimes things DO happen TO you -- it's what you choose to make of what happens TO you, wherein lies your making of your own reality. Shall we get into Quantum (meta)physics and wave theory and how theoretically one could modify anything thereby?

yourgirl

Joined: 9/27/2004

Msg: 27 (view)

The Fearful Of Quality Men, But Run Too Loosers Posted: 8/31/2006 6:42:34 AM
Junglegrip: because the problem is not the person who is trying to prove themselves, it lies within the person who is demanding that a person jump through hoops That's a brilliant observation. I have done that myself -- you get damaged to the point where it's "prove you won't hurt me," and yet the whole time they're doing just that, you're waiting for the other (non-existent) shoe to drop. It's like you wait for a mistake, a mis-step, and jump on it to validate your "Victim" position. Talk about feeling like a total idiot recognizing that I've done that... As a damaged person (cuz let's just own that status, not use it), you have to go back to that ability to be vulnerable and yes, even be hurt within reason -- because no-one is perfect and your partner will inevitably make mistakes that will sting. But the point is in their intention: Did they intend to hurt you? If the honest answer is "no," then you have to learn again how deal with those pains as most folks do, let it roll off. And that is a very hard thing to do once you've built walls to protect yourself and hide your vulnerabilities. We're so geared to "hang on," to packrat our feelings. Letting go can be freeing, but hard hard hard... Great stuff!

yourgirl

Joined: 9/27/2004

Msg: 13 (view)

The Fearful Of Quality Men, But Run Too Loosers Posted: 8/30/2006 10:45:37 AM
OP/Junglegrip: Great post! This one motivates me to comment at length; my apologies to "sound-bite" readers -- I'm working my way out of a verbally/emotionally abusive marriage and have been taking some l-o-o-n-g looks in The Ugly Mirror, trying to figure out how I got here, what I brought to this and other failed relationships, and how to NOT go there again. And as someone in the trenches, I think you (OP) are spot-on with the whole issues of self-esteem thing, much as it pains one to admit/own that. My experiences have left me leery of men in general: an absent/somewhat abusive father, an autocratic father-figure in my grandfather, my brother absented himself when I was still very young, I was raped... lots of issues with abandonment and control. As a result of that underlying mistrust and the pain on which it is founded, in spite of my clear sense of my own worth and value (trust me, I'm great! lol), I still have doubts about "Can someone love me? Am I loveable when a significant part of my experience is about being ignored, abandoned, used? Is there something about me that is bad or wrong?" While I think that for the most part these self-doubts are largely unfounded and I just need to get over them, one readily identifiable thing about me that is wrong/bad is that all these experiences bred in me a need for (or more gently, a tendency to) drama. Ahh, the dreaded D word. I need a sense of challenge, of risk, that little spike of adrenaline now and then, and especially as regards relationships with men. I'm mostly a pretty tame person, especially as I slide into Old-Frt-dom lol, but I do thrive on that bit of "edge." It feeds some sort of obviously-flawed internal script I have about relationships with men being founded in conflict.(side-note below) So I've consistently dated guys who are wrong for me: in high-school, it was exchange students=exotic (read: dramatic) but planned obsolescence since they had to go back home at year's end (whee!* more tragic-teen-love-lost drama! yeesh); In college it was just random short-but-intense (dramatic) relationships; I was engaged to a guy whose only real qualification in hindsight was that I found him hot (O the drama): we had diddly in common and that eventually did a big ole crash-and-burn… Sure it's completely stupid, but that is how it is. People don't make sense, they are a bizarre and ever-changing amalgam of their experiences and hopes, always coming-from, always going-to. I am 31 flavors and then some lol. All this is, of course, a terrible starting point for developing relationships, yet it was something I just didn't see -- or perhaps more accurately, wouldn't accept as critical parts of my personality. I've only in recent years identified my consistent relationship history of trying to re-write my past by attaching myself to emotionally distant men to "make" them love me as I did not feel loved in my formative years. I'm attracted to the challenge, only it's a negative challenge, because these strong men I find desirable are also emotionally crippled in a way that is counter to my real needs. I try to control by "making" someone love me, as though this could be done. And I've done so by being a "pleaser," so focused on serving that I lose myself (and how whacked is that, to attempt control through submission?). And "nice guys," well, apparently they finish last, even though they are exactly what I need and should be with. Frankly, I've probably dated less than 10 "nice guys" in my life: they just didn't have the "edge" to sustain my need for/tendency to drama. But the biatch is that, even having identified these things, it's very hard to live them. It's dmnably hard to change what attracts me, to think with my head, not from my obviously-flawed heart. LOL, my "chooser" is broken. Odd thing is, I thought that I'd changed my stars when I married, because he was to all appearances more emotionally connected and solicitous than I'd dealt-with before. But in the way that is common to abusive men, it was merely a smoke-screen of attentiveness and apparent charm. My own veneer of strength and self-determination, over an underlying drive to please/gain approval founded in self-doubt, apparently is a magnet for these sorts of guys/people: they get off on breaking-down their partner’s strengths and exploiting that soft underbelly (whereas a decent human being would cherish strength and respect/protect vulnerabilities). A few years into the marriage when kids arrived and changed the one-on-one dynamic (which actually worked pretty well), he began to show his true colors: the deep-seated anger and misogyny that is a germ of his sort of abusive behaviors. At least it's validating that his change in behavior surprised everyone who was close enough to see it -- which remained a small circle for many years as I denied and tried-tried-tried to "make it work." LOL once again trying to control things that aren't about me, so as to create a (by result, largely imaginary) beautiful life. Enough people validating my point-of-view, for a long-enough time, on top of my own just plain getting fed-up, finally got me kick-started on changing things. The whole thing – the flawed inner dynamics I have worked with heretofore – really makes me worry about how I will fare when I am eventually back out in the field again. It can be paralyzing. I know I must change in some fundamental ways or I am doomed to keep repeating my mistakes. I'm no different from anyone else: I want love and affection and respect, I want a home that is a haven of peace and mutual caring, I want my kids to grow up in a sane, happy, healthy environment -- and yeah, I want some of the perks and luxuries that come with good relationships/life partnerships: I want a nice little house in a nice little neighborhood, I like* my little $3k/yr summer place, I'd love to be able to travel a little with my family, it'd be neat to be able to do things like go out on the town every so often... And I have admittedly self-serving/greedy desires: to be with someone who's just a bit of eye-candy (at least to me), who's economically stable so he can help bear-up family life to the extent that I can focus on family and work PT (something like 60/40), who can dress himself appropriate to social situations and who can interact with me from foolish mayhem to the occasional intellectual moments... Too much to ask? It's not really, I know that. I know there are plenty of men out there who can easily fit that bill, even the selfish/greedy items, and not think it a hardship or a stretch. But can I find them? Nope. He could be right next to me and if he doesn't have that "whiff" of drama, I'll look right through him. It's a dmn shame. And something I have to learn, and learn to change, for my own sake and that of anyone I hope to ever get-with in future. So:* total validation for your premise, OP, and even a case study to support it! LOL... wish me luck! Side-note: re relationships with men being founded in conflict: I am a voracious reader of trashy romance novels (among other books), have been since my teen years. I am a real proponent for their value, their literary validity and social relevance, but I can readily admit that many mainstream romance novels do depict relationships that are largely based on interpersonal conflict between the male and female protagonists, somehow magically resolved through oppositional conflict and external trials (there’s that drama again!). Interestingly, I find that I am no longer nearly as attracted to these story-lines anymore: I tend now to a romance sub-genre known as "Regencies," which are less about interpersonal/oppositional conflict than they are about the protagonists' shared conflict with the social strictures of the time. More a "comedy of manners," they are far more tame, which suits where I am right now in life. Just an odd aside/things that make you go Hmm... We now return you to our regular programming of brief posts...

yourgirl

Joined: 9/27/2004

Msg: 18 (view)

Loved one leaves the country for a year, what do you do? Posted: 8/28/2006 8:00:07 AM
Well like it says your loved one leaves the continent for a year, so what do you do to bide your time till they get back? Or how in hell do you cope? You suck it up. You work, play, hang-out with friends and family, get a new hobby or 3, read, go to movies, sporting events, grocery shopping, charitable works -- you do everything you normally do, only you do it by yourself or with friends/family. You write a lot of letters and use the internet to contact your partner, not dating prospects. Or you show your true colors as being a non-committed, fair-weather-friend/partner, who is only in the relationship when the relationship is convenient for you. Seems straightforward enough.

yourgirl

Joined: 9/27/2004

Msg: 52 (view)

Ever been on a date where your date has embarrassed you? Posted: 8/28/2006 7:39:07 AM
Hey thanks, guys, for your supportive comments. Thankfully I didn't do anything other than stick my hand up like a git: this was the first thing the hypnotist did when he finished the "going under" processs, his way of identifying NON-volunteers like me, so that they didn't get caught-up in the foolishness (any further than I had already, lol). I honestly don't remember what he had the volunteers do, as I was trying to find a rock to crawl under, lol, but I do remember it was silly stuff and how relieved I was I hadn't done all that! Yeah, my date was a bit of a stiff, but knowing how embarrassed I felt, I could understand why he was embarrased BY what I'd done.

yourgirl

Joined: 9/27/2004

Msg: 25 (view)

Hamster Horror Stories. Posted: 8/22/2006 7:27:09 AM
Well, I let this guy named Jerry Pennacoli borrow my hamster... (sorry, some Philly humor) We didn't have hamsters, we had 2 gerbils, Prudence and Percival: Percy had his tail pulled off 2 or 3 times after he'd escaped til there was just a stub that wouldn't grow back, they ate their babies, and the cat ate Prudence in the end... I still get the willies when I smell cedar flakes...

yourgirl

Joined: 9/27/2004

Msg: 48 (view)

Ever been on a date where your date has embarrassed you? Posted: 8/22/2006 7:07:49 AM
The worst: I was the bad date! We (my date and group of his friends/dates, first time I'd met them) went to a comedy club that had a hypnotist act -- y'know, where they bring a bunch of people onstage and make them act like loonies? So the hypnotist's got 4-5 people onstage and begins "putting them under." In the background he's playing this spacey "head music" with a stream/waterfall sound in the background. I kinda like that sort of "music," it's peaceful and relaxing, so I'm mellowing-out, half-listening to the hypnotist and listening to the stream sound, and it sounded like the waterfall was getting closer... Next thing I know, swear-ta-gad it was maybe 5 seconds to me, the hypnotist is in front of me, and I'm sitting there with my right hand in the air and people laughing. So's another guy across the room, and the hypnotist then goes and wakes him up too. Turns out, there were often a few people who are susceptible to hypnosis who didn't go onstage, so he started his shows with that stunt to catch anyone in the audience who went under. LOL, the hypnotist bought the 2 of us doofusses a drink on the house... That's how I discovered I am susceptible to hypnosis! My date was peeee-yissed at me: whispered at me that I looked like a fool and embarrased him (didn't I know it, I felt totally mortified!!!), that I'd done it on purpose (errrm, huh?), didn't talk to me the rest of the evening, actually said, "I'm going down the table to talk to my friend for a minute" and never came back to sit by me... Actually his friends were more cool about it, but then again I wasn't their date. When we left I explained that I'd had no idea what I was doing, but that was that... totally humiliating. Altho the upside was that now that I knew I responded to hypnosis, I went to one of my Mom's friends who used self-hypnosis to help with his narcolepsy, and he helped me to get over my lifelong problem with having to get shots -- I used to have awful panic-attacks, pass out, and while I still don't like it at all, I can now deal with it a lot better. So I guess that was my "silver lining."

yourgirl

Joined: 9/27/2004

Msg: 26 (view)

percent of initial chemistry based on physical looks Posted: 8/21/2006 6:31:36 AM
Speaking-up for the Shallow here: if the package doesn't interest me, I generally won't bother with what's inside. An ugly truth perhaps, but that's the way it is. It's very rare that I've connected with someone I didn't find attractive, and that's a 2-1/2-second call for the most part -- I've gone thru POF's Top500 saying "nope, nope, you gotta be kidding, no, not him, nope..." with only the occasional "hmmm," so that call is also obviously an intensely personal thing that some so-called "Top" list can't define. Those that were not intially attractive but "became" attractive were almost all due to simply being in contact enough for whatever reason, that their personality "made them look better," so I'd guess that those instances were where "chemistry" kicked-in. LOL, there are also those many who began as attractive and became much less so as I got to know them, so it's definitely a double-edged sword. And being a very average-looking person myself, to me it is not at all about whether the other person is attracted to ME (because in my experience, I am attracted to more people than there are who are attracted to me, just the way it is). My experience has been that there's rarely a match in level-of-attraction/interest. And I have also experienced those who first found me attractive, but didn't care for my personality as we got to know each other. Heck, if it were just about getting "the right percentage" of physical attraction, chemistry, personality and so on, interpersonal relationships would be a dmn-sight easier! Just plug in "your numbers" and hey presto!* get a list of your perfect matches! LOL isn't that how a lot of these dating services allegedly work? The devil's in the wiggle-room on those sorta calculations.

yourgirl

Joined: 9/27/2004

Msg: 25 (view)

what makes people cheat ???? Posted: 8/18/2006 7:34:29 AM
Superone: I get a little sex now and then. THIS WORKS FOR US. Ahhh, so since you say US, then she KNOWS that you are cheating on her? Otherwise, it only works for YOU. yeesh.

yourgirl

Joined: 9/27/2004

Msg: 17 (view)

Write a letter to you younger self. Posted: 8/17/2006 8:12:07 AM
Dear Self: you STILL ROCK at 45!!!

yourgirl

Joined: 9/27/2004

Msg: 4 (view)

How important is it to have a sense of humour in a relationship? Posted: 8/16/2006 6:39:55 AM
Ever really looked at people's faces during sex? LOLOL, a sense of humor is essential! Plus, no relationship is perfect; you'll inevitably hit snags here and there, so having a positive outlook and being able to roll with it/see the humor in situations is very important.

yourgirl

Joined: 9/27/2004

Msg: 3 (view)

When should I tell the kids? Posted: 8/15/2006 8:54:03 AM
Most of the stuff I've read says to wait at least 6 MONTHS before introducing dates to your children -- By that time, you have a better, more realistic feel for who the person is. You're getting over the infatuation/"honeymoon" phase, maybe you've argued a few times (I'd definitely say not until you've had a couple of good arguments with him and you see how he deals with conflict, it can be a dealbreaker), and you have a better sense that he's actually going to be around for a while. Because really, what's the point of bothering your children unless you and he are dead-serious about being together for a VERY long time? It's SO not good for children to have men coming into and out of their lives. And at that age, 5 and 7, it's a very formative time: what you do can have a lifelong impact. Plus the fact that that you even mention that your Ex "wants me back," is indicative that you are possibly thinking of it/considering it too -- or not mature enough to make a firm decision re: this should-be-dead old relationship -- or not mature enough to stand up and face the conflict... Heck if you're not even firm/stable enough that anything having to do with your Ex (beyond the issues of responsible co-parenting) is a complete non-issue (read: you don't care about his input, it is 100% irrelevant), then who's to say you're even in a place where you can form lasting new relationships anyway?? (having one foot still in the past is NOT a basis for a relationship) Cool your heels, if the new guy is still around in 6 months, and you've resolved your Ex issues, then think about it.

yourgirl

Joined: 9/27/2004

Msg: 42 (view)

Does anyone of you have low sex drive ? Posted: 8/15/2006 8:14:34 AM
(not a quote, I just wanted this to stand out:) First-off: WTF up with all these people posting "no, not me!" -- "I'm fine!" -- "I get off 42 times per day!" You gits: the OP didn't ask for feedback from people with NO low-sex-drive issues -- he is seeking feedback from those who DO HAVE low-sex-drive issues! Quit wasting his time, and that of genuinely interested parties, and go toot-your-own horn/self-promote elsewhere! Jeebus. Okay, now that I have that off my chest (yeesh, yalls self-promoters are danged annoying), I am on a fence with this one, OP: I always felt as though I had a "normal" sex-drive/libido-level, but years of being in an abusive relationship caused me to detach a lot from my sexuality (especially because sex was something that my partner was constantly after me about: he treated me like crp, but he still expected me to lay down and be some object* for him to get-off-on, which was -- understandably -- a TOTAL turn-off). So I'm at a point now, where I haven't had sex at all in about 9months, and before that it was just a few times/year (and I had to drink enuf to even do that). And as much as it sucks, because I do miss the intimacy and getting-off now and then, I am finding it doesn't bother me all that much anymore, that I am able fairly easily to do-without. When I get antsy enuf, I take care of myself, thanks very much (and frankly most of the time that's better anyway). It really concerns me that, once I am free and able to pursue other relationships, that I am going to be screwed-up/detached in this way "forever," that no man is going to have the patience to work with me on coming back out of that whole mess, because obviously that's going to take some time. Will I be of any use to anyone else (in a sexual context), ever again? Am I labelled "low-libido/low-sex-drive" now? Will that/can that change? I can certainly look at guys and think "yum," but not being in any place to act on that attraction... Well, it's kinda like the old joke: "Mommy Mommy, I don't like running around in circles!" "Shut up, or I'll nail your other foot down!" And I'm sure it is not something many people are going to step-up and say about themselves on a dating site, since doing-so will potentially hamstring you if potential partners see that about you. Luckily, I am in the unique position of not looking to hook-up, so WTH, having nothing to lose I might as well say a word on behalf of the silent, suffering masses. Things to think about. We now return to the usual self-promotion.

yourgirl

Joined: 9/27/2004

Msg: 2 (view)

Instant Magic - anyone else find it? Posted: 8/14/2006 9:10:34 AM
Dunno, man; experience has taught me not to put too much stock in "instant" anything when it comes to relationships. Go ahead and enjoy it, sure, but personally, I'd keep an eye to the "long-lasting" variety.

yourgirl

Joined: 9/27/2004

Msg: 23 (view)

Ladies.....I need help........ Posted: 8/14/2006 6:55:27 AM
I find the responses odd -- most are either "oh you're puffing yourself up" or "who cares, enjoy!" Why do people assume the guy's full-o-shyte? Why do people bypass the concept of developing a relationship for casual sex? Is it just because the OP is male? Maybe this guy really does want to meet women with whom he can develop a relationship and genuinely wants feedback as to why this keeps happening and what he can do about it? Just a thought, seems double-standard-ish to me: if a woman posted the same inquiry, would the feedback be different? For a straightforward 2cents: OP, consider whether your "chooser is broken" -- if this is happening consistently, then as they say: they're all different women and the only constant is YOU, so think about who you are selecting to go out with. Also: think about how you present yourself pre-date: make sure you state clearly in your profile (and maybe repeatedly in pre-date contacts) that you aren't looking for the "WhamBam," that you are about developing relationships and so on. And, you don't say whether you follow-through on these backseat offers: so do ya or do you decline and send them home? PS, I think you look just fine and find it no wonder the ladies are attracted to you -- just refine your qualification methods and that oughtta help... Best luck!

yourgirl

Joined: 9/27/2004

Msg: 15 (view)

Gay Parents Posted: 8/11/2006 11:21:39 AM
Dorkfully: There's been countless more straight men who've been gay and gotten two women pregnant??? No, no, no, you mis-read me. lol "straight men who have been gay" My point was that gender is irrelevant to the issue at-hand. What I meant was that there are more straight men who have gotten several women pregnant within a short time, than there are gay men who have done the same: "...2 WEEKS apart. Ok, they have different mothers..." ~ http://archive2.tivocommunity.com/tivo-vb/showthread.php?t=193686 "born only about two weeks apart-- what can I say, my father was a busy beaver nine months before Melissa & I came into the world." ~ http://morgenfiles.blogspot.com/ "The two youngest children (from different mothers) are each one year old, having been born two weeks apart." ~ http://www.abbyrowe.com/journals/journal_page_26.htm (just a quick google there...)Aww heck, just statistically that's kinda a no-brainer: more straight men than gay men, then factor-in an even lower percentage of gay men sleeping with women (even less doing so without protection) -- the simple fact is that the opportunity for it to happen is far more likely for straight men than it is for gay men. Guess our boy was "just lucky." Point being, that regardless of HOW it happened, it happened. The fact that it's a statistical anomaly ameliorates the "shock" of it to some extent by making obvious the fact that it could have happened whether he was straight or gay, thus rendering his gender irrelevant. I mean, sure, you could ask ANY man (regardless of gender) "what were you thinking?" about such a situation, which again points-up that his gender is irrelevant to the issue at-hand. His gender is "just" a side-issue that, because of prejudice, makes/will make things harder for him as a parent. And in any event, his gender is not the real issue here: It's how he can be an openly gay father who is involved in his childrens' lives (by first figuring out how to take the crucial step of disclosure to the mothers). Perhaps another way of putting your inquiry might have been simply: "ok now WHY would you go out and get two women pregnant?" That's a big enough question in and of itself without clouding the matter with irrelevant gender issues. As re: "You had to have known two years ago... You'll recall that I wrote of denial and suchlike; perhaps OP may elect to clarify, but I'd daresay that either he didn't know or didn't accept what he knew, which is effectively the same thing. And re: "You don't just wake up one morning gay." Well, actually you sorta can. For those who have lived in denial or fear, there is a day that they wake up and for whatever reason, they can accept who they are and begin to live it. And many gays can take years from that day to the day they come out openly (versus being out only within the gay community but "playing straight" most of the time, or "sneaking," having only covert gay relationships/interactions). Oh, and while I definitely support OP in his come-out and his intention to be open and honest about it and to become an involved parent, I also definitely have problems with the indiscretion or lack of judgment implied in having unprotected sex with not just one but at least two women in a brief period (again: "what were you thinking?"). His actions have affected at least 5 lives (not counting grandparents, extended families and so on). The fact that he now has a come-out to deal with is just gravy. Two servings of gravy to be more precise. I hope I have clarified myself --and thanks for following up with your feedback! I understand what you're driving at (I think: accepting responsibility for who you are and what you do) and that is a valid point. I hope that I have offered some additional ideas for you to consider. Thanks for listening ~ PS, do you get a lot of hits from Bettie Page fans with your main picture? It's a great one!

yourgirl

Joined: 9/27/2004

Msg: 12 (view)

Gay Parents Posted: 8/11/2006 9:53:54 AM
First of all, congrats on your come-out! That's never an easy thing, and when there are children involved, it can be even hinkier (is that a word lol?) Heck of a send-off to the straight life, man... BEFORE you come out to your Baby-Mama's -- because it makes no nevermind whether you announce tomorrow, with no forethought, or whether you wait a month or so to get yourself well-informed -- you need to do some serious homework: While you may be bursting with the "need" to tell these women, there's truly no need to rush and there are some serious issues to address. I'm sure there must be a Gay Support organization in your city, or get online and find one. Talk with folks there who can either advise you or put you in touch with information/professionals who can guide you. Since you're just out, it's also a great way to become aware of what's going on in your local gay community and to meet some nice people, some of whom may be gay parents in a similar situation. You'll want to find out clearly what your legal rights and responsibilities (child support?) are -- get it in writing if you can. Are you listed as Father on the birth certificates? Were you married to either Mama? Can you adopt the children? Can you get legally-defined and enforceable visitation/custody rights? And think: your life is no longer your own, ever again, when you have children. I know that sounds obvious, but still... In the meantime, while you're doing your research and prior to making your announcement (ask those other gay parents how they did it for ideas on how), get yer bippy up and show yourself prominently as a responsible, supporting father invested in the lives of your children. That way when they are reeling just a tad after learning, you (and they) can look to your exemplary parental performance thus far as indicative that your preference of who you like to kiss, in no way impacts your ability to be a loving, involved and supportive parent. Having myself been a fag-hag since Cher was still with Sonny, my 2 sons have grown up with their gay "uncle" and his partner and they've shown absolutely no sign that it's negatively affected them: if anything it makes them better, more accepting people. Gay? so what? Look at the PERSON. It's not having a father be gay that would be a problem with your boys: The problem would be if their father was uninvolved, unloving, unsupportive. Or if their mothers made having a positive relationship difficult due to ridiculous prejudices. Best-case scenario, they'll grow up to be two guys whose dad just happens to be gay. So get thee to your support system, edu-ma-cate yourself, and maybe let us know how it all turns out. PS -- Dorkfully: with all due respect, until you've been a gay person under the duress that society places on these people, that's not really a question you can ask (tho I support your right to ask it). As for whether he "knew" or not, imagine that all your life thus far, 20-plus years, has been about conforming to "acceptable" modes of sexuality, to the point that you sublimate your true self (read: denial, extremely common amongst younger gays -- or how about the fear factor?), and then finally reaching a point where you can no longer deny who you truly are. Having a sense that you may be gay, or even flat-out knowing, and having the personal strength to act on that in a culture that still persecutes gays, are two different things. Perhaps what he did wasn't best judgment, but his gender as a gay man doesn't have any relevance to the issue, since we can point to countless-more straight men who've done the same.

yourgirl

Joined: 9/27/2004

Msg: 5 (view)

Family Counselling with the EX Posted: 8/11/2006 9:17:10 AM
First off, MAJOR red flag on your counsellor!!! Any counsellor who can say that is NOT qualified to work with your case! You need to be working with a counsellor who is trained and experienced in working with couples where verbal/emotional abuse has happened. "Vanilla" counsellors tend to work from a basis that all things are equal when in an abusive situation, they are emphatically NOT! Dealing with an untrained counsellor can actually make it WORSE! Please take this advice very seriously! Here's some reference material: http://www.verbalabuse DOT com/5.shtml http://drirene DOT com/recognize_abuse_tx DOT htm Please feel free to PM me directly if you'd like more info -- I have been there!!! I have other resources I can share.

yourgirl

Joined: 9/27/2004

Msg: 5 (view)

alienation Posted: 8/11/2006 8:00:01 AM
Peyote Chex for breakfast again! That said, I don't think I've dated any aliens but I'd daresay that there are those of us who would like to see their Ex's sent INTO outer-space!

Show ALL Forums