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whatif714

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 32 (view)

marry first week????of chatting Posted: 6/17/2008 3:02:12 AM
Guess I'm not your type Jeff. We've posted together now and not even a mention of picking out invitations....

whatif714

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 47 (view)

The truth about Jealousy Posted: 6/17/2008 2:55:38 AM
My motto has always been that if someone feels jealous, then they don't really have anything to be jealous of. In my mind part of a good relationship is the happiness and security of knowing that you have not only found someone to love, you have also found someone who loves you as you are and is just as happy as you. I think jealousy can be a byproduct of trying to force something that might not have been quite right. JMHO

whatif714

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 30 (view)

marry first week????of chatting Posted: 6/17/2008 2:42:10 AM
The last 3 men I've dated have begun discussing marriage and a future together within a week. Is it wrong to think I'm just that amazing Funny thing is, they bring it up, act accordingly, are so sincere until I begin to believe it just might be. Then they start to back away....create distance....so I guess its good we didn't elope in week 2.

whatif714

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 18 (view)

do i wait and see how it goes? Posted: 6/17/2008 2:34:08 AM
I'd pay more attention to his actions and less to his words. Seems despite his protestations that he's too busy, he is still finding time to see you. There are so many possibilities, that he just isn't interested, that he doesn't want to take the chance he might like you and it would interfere with his career, that he is afraid or wary for any of a million reasons, all the ones that are talked about here and then a million more we've probably never even considered. If you want to spend time with him, then do it. If he keeps asking and making the time then why not. If you find he seems uninterested in more than an occasional outing, and that's not what you want, then move on. Whatever you do, don't try to force or convince him to spend time together. If it doesn't happen naturally, out of desire, then its not a good start. I hope it works out for you!

whatif714

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 166 (view)

Do you pursue? Posted: 6/17/2008 2:14:52 AM
The words "chase" and "pursue" have such a negative tone. I feel that if either of those things are occuring than it's likely not a match made in heaven. My greatest experiences have begun with no real thought to who was calling whom or who suggested spending time together, it just happened naturally because it was what we both wanted. I remember comments and laughs about not remembering any decisions, invitations, etc as it seemed to happen without much effort. I do remember the week after I met my first serious boyfriend right before college, I couldn't believe he hadn't called I had been that sure our connection was mutual. After a week I began to lose hope, boy was I surprised when he called middle of the 2nd week to ask me out for that weekend, after that we were together 7 years. Eventually he told me the reason he waited so long - he had no money and couldn't afford to take me out until after payday. I guess that probably wouldn't be the case at this stage but its a good reminder that we just never know what could have come up or taken priority. If someone calls me regardless of how long its been I would at least listen. What do I have to lose and potentially something to gain.

whatif714

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 72 (view)

The Process of Forgiving Ourselves After Being Abused Posted: 6/17/2008 1:45:33 AM
[There it is in a nutshell folks! I do think tho' that it isn't necessarily insecurities that allow an abusive person to come into someone's life. Many, many abusers use the compassion and a person's ability to try to see the best in someone as their leverage to get into someone's life. The majority of us were raised to have compassion for others. We were taught to look for the good things about a person. We were told that it wasn't "nice" to be judgmental. These are not "insecurities" but the ingredients of humanity and kindness that our parents attempted to incorporate into our systems. The final lesson in these things should have been in how to balance these humanitarian feelings with common sense but many of us didn't get that final lesson.] I couldn't agree more. I don't think most in an abusive relationship were necessarily weak or insecure when it began, rather kind, trusting, caring, compassionate. Something I discovered is that a seemingly logical (at the time) reason for staying, and giving yet another chance, is that if promises are kept and changes are made it would justify the belief and trust that was given. It would reaffirm our belief in our own judgement which I would guess most felt to be quite sound prior to the abuse.

whatif714

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 29 (view)

Guilt by Conscience Posted: 6/17/2008 1:17:23 AM
wow does this hit home...just ended an 18 month relationship, supposed engagement. Although I have never strayed and showed many times I would stand by him I was never trusted. I joked when we first met how when he would tease me about not finding someone I liked better that its usually the one who broaches the subject who is likely to act. I had no idea how right I was, I didn't know it then but that very weekend while lying next to me in bed he was arranging for a woman to sleep over the next night. My belief is anything shared or done openly shouldn't be a reason for concern, I have many male friends that I talk with - he knew who each one was and a little about our friendship even if he hadn't had the chance to meet them yet. He was never surprised by a call from someone he'd never heard of. I also feel that no matter how innocent, anything purposely kept secret or hidden will seem sinister and cause unease. This comment of mine was met with scorn, of course each discovery of his "innocent friendships" included discussions of what they were wearing, where they would like to rub each other and where to have their first date. I met him here, he kept changing his email and screen name so I wouldn't find him. I wish I could warn all the gals to proceed with caution and tread lightly. It would be inappropriate even if I did know what name he uses. I will say though, if someone from the midwest wants to take you to a drive in and likes to tell you all about his awful dates, beware lol. I never experienced such mistrust, it took a long time for me to learn that someone who cannot be trusted cannot give trust. It took many lies, broken promises, tearful apologies and promises to never do it again before my heart had been broken one too many times. I will be wary, but I will never allow someone else's failings to change who I am and keep me from trusting again. And I will not ask someone else to pay for or make up for the actions of someone in my past. I guess I may be hurt again, rather that than become who he is and assumed I am.

whatif714

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 51 (view)

Is reading someone's diary _ever_ justified? Posted: 6/17/2008 1:16:53 AM
Interested in your thoughts as I've been in the same siexperinced something similar. I have always trusted until proven I shouldn't and was unfamiliar with the lack of trust I was shown at the beginning of my last relationship. I didn't understand until I started to discover him chatting as a single, available man with women from here and other sites under assumed profiles using email account he kept secret from me. I was clueless, I only first found out because he left one of the chats up on his computer and I went to use it (we were living together at this point). Yes, I read what was sitting open on the screen - didn't think it was secret. Ever since then I was continuously accused of breaking into his email, invading his privacy and ironically charged with putting a keylogger on his pc (I didn't) - just to find later that he had put one on mine. I don't know whether he would have actually met these women, however the conversations revolved around where to have their first dates and where they like to be touched. Each time I learned something he was so repentent, so sincere in his pleas for another chance, his promises that I was everything he wanted and he would be true. Assured me that if I stood by him through his recovery this behavior would disappear with the drug-induced thinking. Each time I forgave, believed, and was devastated when he slipped up and I found out. Fast forward to 18 months later when I'm so proud and happy that he is once again in recovery, has been 45 days clean and is really taking the right steps to succeed. Never have I been so optimistic. Until a woman sends me the chat they had showing nothing has changed. Would you have read it? I did. What I'm not proud of here isn't so much the fact that I read something which would provide proof that there was no hope, for unless I was certain I could not walk away from the promises I had made. What bothers me more is that I enabled someone to continue the behavior by believing in him and caring enough to pick up the pieces. So I hurt us both. He believes I am solely at fault, that had I never read it there would be no problems between us, I have invaded his privacy which is unforgivable. What I've learned from this is that if ever presented with the same situation, and my immediate reaction isn't to walk away assured there is nothing there, then I will walk away. If either has reason to doubt that we can't talk about and resolve then it isn't meant to be. So if I had been more cautious and spied early on to see if he was keeping his promises, perhaps I could have saved us both much time and heartache. Doesn't feel right to me, however I can see how some could make the point that confirming early on would have been better for us both. Would love to hear your views.

whatif714

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 27 (view)

Guilt by Conscience Posted: 6/17/2008 12:14:18 AM
wow does this hit home...just ended an 18 month relationship, supposed engagement. Although I have never strayed and showed many times I would stand by him I was never trusted. I joked when we first met how when he would tease me about not finding someone I liked better that its usually the one who broaches the subject who is likely to act. I had no idea how right I was, I didn't know it then but that very weekend while lying next to me in bed he was arranging for a woman to sleep over the next night. My belief is anything shared or done openly shouldn't be a reason for concern, I have many male friends that I talk with - he knew who each one was and a little about our friendship even if he hadn't had the chance to meet them yet. He was never surprised by a call from someone he'd never heard of. I also feel that no matter how innocent, anything purposely kept secret or hidden will seem sinister and cause unease. This comment of mine was met with scorn, of course each discovery of his "innocent friendships" included discussions of what they were wearing, where they would like to rub each other and where to have their first date. I met him here, he kept changing his email and screen name so I wouldn't find him. I wish I could warn all the gals to proceed with caution and tread lightly. It would be inappropriate even if I did know what name he uses. I will say though, if someone from the midwest wants to take you to a drive in and likes to tell you all about his awful dates, beware lol. I never experienced such mistrust, it took a long time for me to learn that someone who cannot be trusted cannot give trust. It took many lies, broken promises, tearful apologies and promises to never do it again before my heart had been broken one too many times. I will be wary, but I will never allow someone else's failings to change who I am and keep me from trusting again. And I will not ask someone else to pay for or make up for the actions of someone in my past. I guess I may be hurt again, rather that than become who he is and assumed I am.

whatif714

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 31 (view)

Would you let your pride stop you?? Posted: 8/20/2006 10:51:24 PM
A lot has to do with age and maturity. I spent 7 years with the man I though I would marry, through college and a couple years beyond. He obviously wasn't ready, couldn't stick by his commitment. I was crushed, but moved on. All our friends were surprised, everyone thought we had the perfect love, including me. Since I didn't know why we split I told everyone it was because I lost his cat. (True, but another thread so I don't hijack.) I moved out of state, I heard he married the girl that had chased him the whole time we dated. I was surprised but by that time numb to it. Five years later he called and told me he'd made the biggest mistake of his life letting me go. Nothing to do at that point, he's a married man. 10 years after that, 2 months ago, I come back to my hometown. He e-mails me and we meet for a drink. It was surprising, old feelings can remain after 15 years. Not the same passion, but a deep caring. He's not happy and I hate that. He wants to get together for drinks, feels he owes me more explanation. I told him it's silly to go back there now. just be friendly if we run into each other and move forward. If he had not gotten married and had come back in the first few years I'm sure we could have worked it out. He obviously needed to grow before he could commit. Timing is everything, it just didn't work out for us.

whatif714

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 91 (view)

Is It worth The Effort? Posted: 8/20/2006 6:43:22 AM
I rarely post, on this I have a unique perspective which puts a whole different spin on the topic and maybe it’ll help view the possibilities from another angle. I've learned through watching and talking with the 3 truly happily married couples I know. HK, I think your grandparents would fall right into this group. I think someone suggested input from couples, this is from my circle of friends. The 3 couples have been married between 10 and 20 years. If you ask any of them what makes it work, they can't tell you. What comes out most often is that they can't imagine it being any other way. They can't imagine life without the other. You know its true when you see the anticipation when the other's about to join us, the pure joy of reuniting, even when its only been a few hours. They have other friends, girls and guys nights out, etc, and they have separate interests that each pursue. But they will both tell you they are most happy when together. No matter what they're doing. And its so apparent they're telling the truth. I don’t want to give the impression it’s always peachy, they have fights and disagreements like every other couple. I've been lucky enough to witness one now and then (don't you just hate when friends feel comfortable enough to argue while you’re there). But even then there's a level of respect, of boundaries that I don't usually see. Neither one is willing to go too far, to do or say anything that can't be accepted, reflected upon, and forgotten. ----Before anyone even goes there, I leave while they're still fighting. You'll have to use your imagination on that one. If you ask any of them about working to keep their marriage together, they laugh. They'll tell you it's not work at all, it's the easiest, most natural thing for them. What seems to be the secret, ironically, is what we commonly refer to as "work" in a marriage. It’s a natural part of their relationships. They each put the wants, needs and desires of the other as the #1 priority. Over their own. It's not a conscious thought, this is what feels right for them. There are ongoing small reminders of their love, notes in the briefcase, a single flower, once just the remark "thank you for loving me and being in my life”. Simple things. Also, it's impressive sometimes what they pick up from each other during every day conversation, they seem to hear the small details that often get lost. Because they're truly listening. Because they’re really interested. The constant reminders of their love for no other reason than they want to. Simple respect that seems to be missing in a lot of the situations we discuss on these boards is inherent in theirs. And because of this no need for insecurity, no need for concern, jealousy, etc. It seems simplistic, but maybe that's why it works. Maybe when we have to ask, or be asked for any of these things it’s a sign we should consider a little more carefully. Food for thought.

whatif714

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 82 (view)

He got scared! Posted: 7/31/2006 1:15:34 PM
Cindy you made me laugh. I love your attitude and of course you're absolutely right!

whatif714

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 149 (view)

Why do men do the diappearing act? Posted: 7/30/2006 6:35:04 PM
alhulas, interesting you would say that. I've been told its because they're scared, and when I posed this theory to some men that told me that was bs, that if it was only that the guys would work their way through it. They said the scared excuse is just that, and excuse,that they guy's just not as into me as he and I thought he was, and as he acted. They told me the scared story was the easiest for the guys who say anything at all. So now I'm wondering if "scared" is total bs or sometimes legit. Of course, big picture doesn't really matter. I'd rather think its bs, and that the guy just isn't into me. Because i know there will be one who is that I feel the same way. But if they're all running off scared, well I can't do anything about that.

whatif714

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 25 (view)

why even write? Posted: 7/30/2006 6:27:06 PM
I think you're half right psssst. We lose sight of that for sure. For me at least, it's not the # of men here, I don't consider that. I just got complacent, thinking they were already interested and we would at least continue past a couple of e-mails. My bad! Thanks everyone for the thoughts. This really helped me understand the possible reasons and just that much can guide me to improve.

whatif714

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 23 (view)

why even write? Posted: 7/30/2006 8:59:20 AM
thank you bobby. absolutely no more than once. my time is more valuable than that.

whatif714

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 21 (view)

why even write? Posted: 7/30/2006 8:47:03 AM
well i may have mentioned the 23 exes, but i'm sure i didn't disclose their whereabouts, or the lack of knowledge of. anyway its ok the pieces are buried so deep they'll never find them. don't get discouraged with 2,that just barely a beginning. just like irl, you have to meet a whole lot of people to even find one that interests you. most seemed to have read the profile but it's probably a combination, there must be a mechanism that shows when people join, because i had an onslaught of mail the first couple of weeks. no way i could keep up with them, it took me a week to get back to everyone and i couldn't put as much thought in as i would have liked. i agree its partly my fault as well. so those matches weren't meant to be. i'm a believer in fate (although i do think you can and should push it along). it'll happen when the time and circumstances are right.

whatif714

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 19 (view)

why even write? Posted: 7/30/2006 7:42:33 AM
i've had some of those too ece, although we hadn't talked. i responded to their e-mail by saying that i felt either we were looking for different things or didn't have common interests, and i've gotten some pretty nasty responses. i just chalk that up to the few idiots that i won't let change whether i show respect or not. ironically the nastiest one i got was from someone who talked about romancing me, sweeping me off my feet, the rest of our lives together. obviously hadn't read my profile which says i'm looking for friends. he not so kindly told me i had no right to interpret his intentions. whatever....next!

whatif714

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 18 (view)

why even write? Posted: 7/30/2006 7:31:56 AM
hey maybe we should come up with a form response, i know its tacky but better than nothing. how about this: dear fellow fish, i had considered getting to know you as at first glance at first i was intrigued. i may have allowed you to believe this exploration would continue. unfortunately, something else has taken precendent. you could be boring, or easy, or butt ugly, or have a grating voice, or so many things i can't list them all . but don't feel badly its not you, its me. if this is a temporary layoff you will be called back as openings occur. thank you for applying here and all the best of luck to you.

whatif714

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 16 (view)

why even write? Posted: 7/30/2006 7:18:22 AM
oatmeal's got a great point, we're all going in a million directions at once. probably all of these reasons have something to do with it as some time or other. i don't feel like a victim, it just made me curious. fish i've had some of those mails, you can generally tell though because they try a little too hard to personalize - it it goes kind of like this; hello, liked your profile interesting, lots in common especially liked/noticed/laughed at XXXXXXX'' take a look at my profile, and i hope after you do you'll write me back.

whatif714

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 15 (view)

why even write? Posted: 7/30/2006 7:03:19 AM
that makes a lot of sense. i get an inquiry and evaluate it, send a response which is evaluated. seems fair. then at that point i would hope and wish - and please lets not put the gender bashing accusations in the middle of this, i believe we all agree women do this too - to get a note or something telling me he's pursuing other interests. We've talked a lot about men and women responding to the initial message, now that i look at the response in similar light it would be nice if it were done here too. y'all have given me great possibilities and i'm sure they're each the reason at different times. it helps to have ideas to think through when it does happen and things to consider adjusting to improve. interesting too that the bottom line here is again is that we've come to the end of the exploration between 2 people, however one person isn't aware it's the end until enough time passes with no contact to assume. i think we could all have a much easier time if each person that decides not to pursue further would have the integtrity to let the other person know. it's not easy but its a matter of simple respect and the right thing to do.

whatif714

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 57 (view)

where are all the men from indiana???? Posted: 7/30/2006 6:35:30 AM
sane here, but unfortunately born a few years too early. anyone else notice the disparity in generations? seems there are many fewer men in my age group and lots fewer women the next two brackets. i wonder if thats part of the reason there are so many more couples now where the women are older.

whatif714

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 9 (view)

why even write? Posted: 7/30/2006 6:24:23 AM
you bring up some interesting thoughts, jbe i never even thought about he might not like what i wrote. sometimes i go quickly because i'm adamant about responding to everyone. maybe not enough thought. i did just go back and look at the messages, all but one say they'd like to talk or get to know one another. in the one instance i'm going to agree with you and believe it was meant to be a compliment, nothing more. and i've learned to look for the intent of the message as well as what's written. racer, you made the point that brought me to bring this up in the first place. i just didn't understand and came to the experts for insight.

whatif714

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 7 (view)

why even write? Posted: 7/30/2006 6:13:07 AM
friscoff, no argument here that women do this as well. they also disappear, and stand dates up, and all the other disrespectful things discussed. if those women that do these things would like to tell us why that would be great. if you particularly want this insight from the female perspective and dont feel you recieve it here then i reoommend you post it on the 'ask a girl' forum. virtually every issue that's discussed happens to both and by both genders. i won't pretend to know if men and women commit the same acts for the same reason, i would doubt similar motivation. in this particular case i'm addressing what i know personally to speak to and inquire about. i'm asking for opinions regarding a situation that happened to me and am sharing from my perspective. am i obligated to pose the question for males as well? i wouldn't think so. please explain why my not inquiring on behalf of men, when no one has relayed to me an interest in my doing so, says to you i don't believe women do this or i've pardoned them or i'm bashing men. i dont follow your logic. i have noticed though how many postings go up in flames because of this very issue, and the original question is lost in the ensuing turmoil. it's a shame, we could learn a lot from each other. to everyone: please excuse the lack of puncuation, i've lost caps on my pc. oddest thing, i can't wait to figure out how that happened.

whatif714

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 9 (view)

No response Posted: 7/30/2006 5:18:44 AM
i just put this out on the general board but would love to know what y'all here thnk. if a guy sends a girl an e-mail, i would think its safe to assume he's interested i getting to know her. so when she responds why so often no follow up? was it a game to see how many would wirte back, or some other reason?

whatif714

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 1 (view)

why even write? Posted: 7/30/2006 5:11:33 AM
i think its fair to assume when a guy e-mails you that he's interested. so why so many times after i respond they don't? just seems like a wase of time for us both. why write in the first place? appreciate your insight.

whatif714

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 47 (view)

older woman - younger man Posted: 7/30/2006 5:04:11 AM
Same here, i was surprised when contacted by quite a few youngerguys. most on this thread seem to be ok with the idea, but how much of an age gap do you think is too much? there's 16 years betweeen me and some of them, that sounds so huge.

whatif714

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 44 (view)

Married but looking .. a dilemma Posted: 7/30/2006 4:49:29 AM
go rent Fatat Attraction. even if you'v already seen it, seems you need a reminder of potential consequences

whatif714

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 71 (view)

He got scared! Posted: 7/26/2006 8:00:46 AM
2 really good points above. I hope you don't lock up your heart and run, we've all got to go through some of this to find the right person. Maybe it's to help us appreciate what we find when we do. Don't give up the chance to find yours. I don't think I'll do anything different, other than now I'll understand a little better. I am who I am, and that's who I want the guys I meet to see. Any type of "act" not true to myself would get tiresome anyway, so why bother. They either like who I am or they don't, the "chemistry" is there or it isn't. And I agree with the reason for the calls after a few weeks. When my boyfriend of 7 years and I broke up he started dated every available girl in the area whileI "mourned" for a period of time with friends. Just when I was ready to move on, he started calling and coming by, ready to explore whether we made the right decision. Several of my guy friends told me it's the norm for a guy to do this after a breakup, casual dating and if possible sex rightaway to keep his mind off the ex. Then, when it doesn't work, he figures it must really be love and he comes back to explore. Even if the girl agrees to try again it rarely works out, it wasn't really love just his lonely feelings. Guys, true or not? Interested in your thoughts.

whatif714

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 135 (view)

Why do men do the diappearing act? Posted: 7/25/2006 9:26:51 AM
Fishy we're thinking along the same lines on this. You seem to have it together, any plans to move to the US?

whatif714

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 118 (view)

Why do men do the diappearing act? Posted: 7/24/2006 1:19:40 AM
You're generalizing all women into one group, exactly the thing you say we shouldn't do about men. I agree there are a lot of bashing posts, about men and about women. I think the intention is really to gain some insight, some understanding if possible. The more we learn from each other the easier it will be to keep whatever relationship we choose healthy. I believe that most of these men and women don't really mean to generalize, they're describing something that happened to them and they're either upset or frustrated, and they're looking for input. I was describing something that happened to me, since it's a real situation how does that translate into bashing? Maybe you could show a little compassion for people, male or female, that have been through a rough time.

whatif714

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 108 (view)

Why do men do the diappearing act? Posted: 7/23/2006 10:43:04 AM
Oh, I wouldn't necessarily says he's to blame. But how would I know? I'd love the feedback if he was man enough to give it, rather than just vanishing. Lucky, you're on. When can you be here?

whatif714

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 105 (view)

Why do men do the diappearing act? Posted: 7/22/2006 5:32:28 PM
Update, the guy who disappeared 2 weeks ago called today, out of the blue. Just like nothing happened, "how are you, what have you been up to?" Said he's been under the weather for a couple weeks and all he's done is work and sleep. Sure, and that's a good reason not to call the person you've spent every possible moment with up till then, when you said you would, and let her know what's going on. He said we should get together soon. I'm going to, because I can't wait to hear what he has to say. Plus, I'll get my watch parts back. I know to be very cautious, no matter how "into me" he says he is, I doubt I'll buy it this time Ought to be interesting!

whatif714

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 66 (view)

He got scared! Posted: 7/22/2006 5:26:57 PM
Funny, I was seeing a guy who just vanished a couple weeks ago - he called today like nothing happened. Told me he's been under the weather the last couple of weeks and hasn't done anything but work and sleep. Possibly true but no excuse not to call someone you'd spent every possible moment with until then. Before we hung up he said "lets get together soon" and I told him to call. Yes, I'm going to see him mainly because I'm so curious what he'll say. Wonder if he'll use the scared excuse? Ought to be interesting!

whatif714

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 61 (view)

He got scared! Posted: 7/21/2006 10:08:19 PM
Oh and I forgot what someone posted about one of the things that drives me crazy - I wish guys would quit deciding how they act toward me based on the reactions others have had in their past. It's so unfair for someone to expect you to behave the way their ex did and act accordingly. I want to be evaluated based on how I act and react. It's too bad, was seeing a great guy but he would do things because it was the way he needed to with his ex. We talked about it but I guess he couldn't get over the instict, or believe that I wasn't going to have the psycho reactions that she did. Baggage, be gone!

whatif714

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 60 (view)

He got scared! Posted: 7/21/2006 10:02:09 PM
I see men use this line a lot, so often it really means he's too insecure about his own worth and doesn't feel he can live up to what he sees in your eyes, your vision of him. No matter how wonderful you think he is he has to believe it himself, if he doesn't he feels like a fraud. So many men need to believe that they are the stronger half of the relationship, that the person they're with really needs them and not just on an emotional level. If you're independent and self sufficient it seems difficult for them to believe you really need them and if they weren't confident to start then it just gets more depressing for him. Before you come at me, I'm not implying at all that all men are this way, there are lots of confident, secure ment out there that wouldn't run (I just haven't found where they hide yet) Maybe the ones that use the "scared" excuse aren't scared of commitment but scared that they can't be the man they see in your eyes. It would be interesting to look at the qualities of the women that these men who say they're scared and then get into another relationship quickly end up with. I wonder if in general they're more needy and build his confidence by not being able to manage on their own.

whatif714

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 52 (view)

Compulsive Lying Posted: 7/21/2006 10:02:36 AM
So how did you break yourself of it? What made you decide to change? Is there anything a friend can do to help with the decision or the change, or is it something you have to decide and do all on your own? Congrats, I'm sure it wasn't easy and you should be proud of yourself for making the changes.

whatif714

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 14 (view)

One minute your in, then your out... why????? Posted: 7/19/2006 6:23:54 PM
Well I've only been here a few days, but from what I've ready most of those women could easliy answer his question - every time a couple starts to get close the guy disappears. So they have to start over.

whatif714

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 56 (view)

Best break-up lines Posted: 7/19/2006 6:29:23 AM
About 15 years ago I got this one and I'll never forget it: "I love you more than I've ever loved anyone. I'm never happier than when we're together and I'm miserable when we're apart. I can't see you any more" I was too stunned to ask any questions.

whatif714

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 34 (view)

What is the most question feared by men Posted: 7/17/2006 7:04:51 PM
Papajay those are priceless! Mustang - the proper answer to that question is "not possible honey, I won't let you die before me. I couldn't possibly live without you". I would never ask or answer the question about friends, but I have spilled who's on my "list". Then I helped him pick his 5. C'mon, I know it's common folklore, but do women really ask these questions? I wouldn't ask most of them mainly because I wouldn't want the answer! Seriously though.

whatif714

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 14 (view)

why is it that Posted: 7/17/2006 6:44:21 PM
It's sad, really. I dated a great guy, bright and articulate and funny and he didn't think he was worthwhile at all. Oh, he'll tell you he's the greatest thing since sliced bread, but he doesn't believe it. His feelings are based on the way he's been treated all his life, I've actually watched his sister and brother make important promises and then disappear. I was appalled, I mean if you can't count on family how can you feel grounded at all? Yes, he tried in a lot of ways to get me to screw him over just like everyone else has. And still is amazed that I wouldn't do it. Even at the end, there was no reason for us not to remain friends, and this is such a new concept to him. He's in counseling now and hopefully he makes the most of it. I really hope that he doesn't fall back into old patterns. Have you thought about counseling? Might help to talk out why you repeat the pattern with someone objective. Well, we might be objective here but we're not really qualified.

whatif714

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 96 (view)

Why do men do the diappearing act? Posted: 7/17/2006 6:12:00 PM
Guess I should be expecting a call in about 3 weeks. I'll let you all answer him for me.

whatif714

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 197 (view)

men, this ones for you... what would you do if you met a woman who....... Posted: 7/17/2006 6:10:37 PM
Thanks Mislarn and exposed, I was beginning to feel alone out here. Yes, at first they have all said it's not an issue at all. Or are very happy with the idea. Somewhere down the line their attitude changes and it's no longer ok for their woman to be successful, and absolutely not independent. I really think it's the self sufficiency even more than the income. Suddenly I am expected to be reliant for any type of decision making. I've actually had to ask how they imagined I survived 30 years before meeting them. It doesn't seem to be as big a deal now, but maybe only because I haven't dated much since my marriage ended.

whatif714

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 4 (view)

I'll tell you Why ... Posted: 7/17/2006 3:26:04 AM
With you all the way on that Snuff, the lie may be to protect someone's feelings, but it hurts them worse when they find out they were lied to. And, it makes whatever the lie was about seem sinister even if it was innocent just because of the percieved need to lie about it. Soliman I don't know your history so it might not be fair for me to comment, but I wonder about a relationship where you have such a trusting rapport with your boss' wife and your wife doesn't know about it, so you can't explain not being at work. Sounds like a red flag of secrecy to me. And the questions about if this shoot is with hot women? Very insecure. Besides, aren't all the shoots with hot women? That's what sells. Got to have trust to make it work. I told an ex who was in a tough situation that as long as he was honest we'd work through whatever he encountered. He was amazed that he could share certain things without paying for it for eternity. Another example of some paying for the faults of those that came before.

whatif714

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 186 (view)

men, this ones for you... what would you do if you met a woman who....... Posted: 7/17/2006 3:06:44 AM
Well my experience with this hasn't been good. I'm not wealthy and don't have all the free time the OP's friend does, actually I work my butt off. But I make a pretty good living and have since my early 20's. So many times I've met someone and they think my independence and self-sufficiency are great things, at least that's what they say. And if they didn't why get involved with me in the first place, right? Then things change. As the relationship progresses they get upset that I don't "need" them enough. Seems I'm supposed to become dependent, and since I have what I need financially then I'm supposed to become clingy and emotionally needy. I realize it's their insecurity and their issue, but it still hurts when they leave, especially for such a silly reason. I can't figure out why it becomes a threat? I thought as you spend more time together confidence would rise. One of them actually told me that no man should allow his wife to earn more then him, wanted me to quit working so we could keep dating. Said anyone that would date me while I have a successful career is not a man. I just don't get it. I sure hope things have changed.

whatif714

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 93 (view)

Why do men do the diappearing act? Posted: 7/17/2006 2:20:43 AM
Foxy, try not to dwell on it too much, I know its hard not to but I think we just have to assume their idiots and move on. I'm going with the UFO story myself. I posted mine the other day, after 2 intensive weeks where the only time apart was when I insisted, he disappeared. The odd part was the last time we saw each other was 10am, he was telling me how much fun I am and how pretty and how he really likes me, etc. Talking about concerts 2 weeks out and even mini-vacations in the "future". He brought all this up, I was the one trying to slow down. We were supposed to have dinner that night, so what happens in 8 hours? I didn't call for 3 days, then trying to get back something from his place. Got voice mail, figured that was it. Surprise! He called right back. Said he was with a friend, would call the next day. Never did. So why did he return my call? There's just no logic or reason, and I had decided to chalk it up to I dated a moron. But I like the UFO story much better!

whatif714

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 37 (view)

Compulsive Lying Posted: 7/17/2006 1:06:39 AM
Bubbynutz can you share? At least some tips? I dated one that was so good I didn't see some of it coming, and I usually can tell. This guy was a master. So what are the clues other than looking to the left?

whatif714

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 11 (view)

relationships Posted: 7/16/2006 10:57:16 AM
No, I don't think you're in the minority and that's a shame. One of our biggest issues was his fear that I would act in certain ways, even after I hadn't done as he feared he would continue to act as if I might. His excuse was that from experiences with other women he'd learned to expect certain things. I don't buy that, or at least I don't like it. I judge others based on my experience with them, not on how other people have reacted in similar situations. And I don't like having someone assume I'll react the same way someone in their past had. With that kind of reasoning, why would he take a chance with anyone? I understand being a little wary until you are confident your instints are correct, but I sure hope anyone going into a relationship gives their partner the benefit of the doubt. It's unfair and almost impossible starting out having to overcome the way others have acted before you were around.

whatif714

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 7 (view)

Ram Brewery> Posted: 7/16/2006 3:03:37 AM
Did y'all meet? Are you going to do it again any time soon?

whatif714

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 8 (view)

If there are more fish in the sea...why does it feel like I'm the only one swimming in it? Posted: 7/16/2006 2:32:17 AM
I'm with MadamX, I can't believe Sanchken would have any trouble finding people that would like to hang with him. I try to look at the bright side. I'm going to convince myself that everyone who is taken settled, and left all the wonderful, discriminating fish to swim along. We just have to find each other in this vast ocean.

whatif714

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 9 (view)

relationships Posted: 7/16/2006 2:25:42 AM
The last guy I dated commented a lot about how much I believed in him, his potential, that no one else had had such confidence in him. I thought that was strange, because why would you be dating someone if you didn't believe. in him He felt that the women he'd dated before believed in his potential - as long as he made the changes they were planning for him. Guys - do you think that most women are trying to change you? Is it a preconceived notion that we have to overcome?

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