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rune3

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 32 (view)

Is being yourself really good advice? Posted: 11/17/2009 7:38:09 PM
You can't really be anyone else -- even if you are being a huge fake, at some level all the fakery exhibits your insecurities and ideas of what is desirable. "Be yourself" is good advice (though far too vague in that statement alone) because most of the problems result from people being insecure about who they are or what they want and believing that they are not lovable as they are but needs must try to be something else. "Be yourself" communicates "you are lovable as you are" and more people need to believe that. It's not that you have an option to be something other than yourself: it's that the effect of trying to be or fearing that you ought to be, causes nothing but trouble and suffering. Healthy self-improvement involves the acceptance of who you are now -- not denial of reality and endless self-loathing. Those who regard themselves as unacceptable as they are, are unlikely to find themselves making happy choices for lasting relationships. It doesn't mean "don't try", it means "know there is nothing about you that makes you impossible to love, so don't be nervous about others seeing who you are". I think if people believed that all that they were could potentially be accepted and that they, as a whole person, could be loved, they would get themselves into fewer tangles trying to hide the bits they imagine are unlovable.

rune3

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 38 (view)

Do relationships go in a straight line anymore? Posted: 11/17/2009 7:20:56 PM
It's probably because you try to step into the status of "being intimate" before true intimacy exists. It's a less extreme version of marrying a stranger: you've jumped to labelling the relationship "you are my boyfriend and I LURVE you" without actually going through the process of relating to the man in question. This is why you end up posting threads that say, "Why won't my boyfriend tell me his birthday?". You obviously chose to call him "boyfriend" before the two of you were emotionally intimate. "Boyfriend" is more than just a label: it has many implications (different, to different people, but I daresay that most would agree that knowing each other's birthdays was a normal expectation). If he's running, it's because you slapped a label on him and tried to push him into a role instead of taking the time to actually get to know him. He may agree to this because he's getting sex out of it and his past relationships have been no saner, but of course he's going to be backing away.

rune3

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 48 (view)

No-one likes him except me Posted: 11/17/2009 12:30:10 PM
Just be cautious about getting committed to this guy. It's such early days -- too early to guess how things will go. It sounds like he makes you happy and for anyone who loves you that's the main thing that matters, but there are other concerns that can affect your future happiness. It looks like you may end up supporting him -- are you happy about the prospect of that? If you are, then that's fine: plenty of men support stay-at-home wives, after all. Laid back may be lovely when you just want to escape, but what about if something happens and you don't want him to take it lying down? There are times when it's important that your partner gets stirred up and is not just a chilled out couch potato, however companionable. If you get ill is he going to be tuned out and laid back about what happens to you or has he got the will in him to kick up a fuss if need be to ensure you get the help you need? In moments where you need him to be an adult, can he be one, or is he just like a pet dog or overgrown child who is a lot of fun but does not have the potential to be an equal partner for you? You can't decide now and it would be as dangerous to follow your friends' and family's advice as to rebel against it. Give yourself time and make up your own mind. If, in the long run, you are happy and content being with him, I have no doubt that friends and family will all come around -- they may not understand why but they will witness that he is good for you and that will be the deciding factor. It's only been 4 months: a lot can change -- you still have a lot to discover about this man and you don't know, can't know, how you are going to feel about all those unknowns. Give yourself space to find out and space to decide -- don't tie yourself one way or the other whilst you know so little. A person can put on a grand act for 4 months and turn out to be a total tyrant. Try to stay on good terms with friends and family, but take responsibility for choosing your own directions.

rune3

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 25 (view)

When is the time right? Posted: 11/16/2009 7:33:12 PM
You wait until you feel that you won't regret it, no matter what the outcome. You wait until you know him well enough to have some confidence in your prediction of the outcome. You wait until you are sure you can cope with the worst case scenario -- which may be pregnancy and the choice of abortion vs parenting alone or with a relative stranger. You wait until you decide that you are ready to take the responsibility for any consequences and that you trust yourself to be making a sensible decision and to be able to cope with the fallout if things go wrong. There are no guarantees at any point, least of all relating to what the other person is going to do. You have to know that you can cope with the risks and trust yourself. You might get hurt, sure, but at some point the risk becomes worth taking, partly because you know you can survive heartbreak and partly because it becomes clear that the protective walls are warding off potential joy as well as pain.

rune3

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 57 (view)

bf has bad time management Posted: 11/16/2009 9:14:45 AM
my question is what should i do? ppl tell me u should break up with him, how is breaking up with someone over time management prob a red flag? cheating would be a red flag for me and bein abusive. You should break up with him and get help for yourself. His time management problem is something that can be worked around. Your anger management problem is a much bigger deal. It's not only men that are abusive and being female doesn't mean that your extreme displays of anger are not abusive: they are. You are being abusive. Is it just this person that brings this appalling behaviour out in you or do you behave like this towards other people too? Don't you wish you could have a little more dignity?

rune3

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 39 (view)

What's the difference between affectionate and clingy? Posted: 11/14/2009 8:21:19 PM
The difference is all in the eye of the beholder, or the one being affectionate/clung-to. The mre affection you want to see, the less likely it is that you are going to find behaviour that demonstrates an attachment to you to be clingy. It's one of those terribly subjective things -- not affectionate enough is uncomfortable because it leads to insecurity and the perception that you are cold or uncaring, holding back from the level of intimacy that the other person would like; too affectionate and you're a clinger, trying to push the relationship to be more than the other person wants it to be -- and where the balance point is will be different for each partner, each relationship. I think that this mostly happens when people are choosing to "have a relationship" or "be in a relationship" rather than to relate to each other: one or both (clinger/clingee/distancer/distanced) is too tuned in to, overwhelmed or driven by their own needs - desires or fears - to actually relate to the other person. It's definitely a problem, therefore, because not only is the behaviour undesirable, but it shows that the two people are relating to their own needs rather than to each other.

rune3

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 52 (view)

BF will not tell me his birthdate or where he works - is this wierd to you guys? Posted: 11/14/2009 2:23:27 AM
2 months in, you're still getting to know one another...so you're just a bunny-boiler in disguise at this point. Different levels of distance etc are suited to different relationships. "Relative stranger who should not be divulging personal information" = one level of intimacy. "Boyfriend" = a different level of intimacy. What is appropriate and fine for one, is weird for the other.

rune3

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 13 (view)

Having multiple partners just because one is bisexual... Kind of weird but.. Posted: 11/14/2009 12:00:20 AM
It's rather like saying that the man who finds women with blonde hair and women with red hair to be attractive would need to have 2 girlfriends. Some heterosexuals are unable to be monogamous, as are some bisexuals, and bisexuals and homosexuals, being more open-minded than the majority of heterosexuals, are more likely to be honest and open about their lack of monogamy and more open about being in an open relationship. Thus promiscuity may appear to be more prevalent among them -- it doesn't mean that it actually is, nor does it mean that this is their only option. As I understand it, bisexuals experience a romantic love and attraction which is not limited by gender, just as many of us experience romantic love and attraction which is not limited by eye colour.

rune3

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 43 (view)

BF will not tell me his birthdate or where he works - is this wierd to you guys? Posted: 11/13/2009 11:33:58 PM
There could be all kinds of reasons - who knows: some people are hyper-cautious; you have no control over what he does. HOWEVER, there is a more important question which I think should concern you: why do you consider this man a boyfriend when you don't yet know the kind of trivial stuff that most normal people have no issue disclosing? Does he really work 80+ hours a week or does he have another girlfriend, or a wife and family? I agree with the poster who said it's a control technique. Look at how easy it would be for him to fob you off with a false birthdate or company name... Instead, he forces you to accept that he chooses not to divulge the information. The other stuff sounded completely controlling too, but I'm afraid I couldn't be bothered to read it. You need to stop putting yourself passively into other people's hands and wondering pathetically "why do they do this?". Look at your own decisions and take some responsibility: why are you making the choices that see you accepting something which at an emotional level you cannot accept?

rune3

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 29 (view)

Should a potential LTR's FAMILY BACKGROUND make a difference? Posted: 11/12/2009 7:20:19 PM
I don't think family has a huge effect: one only has to look at the different directions taken by siblings to observe that origin does not define destination.

rune3

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 11 (view)

independent women fall the hardest Posted: 11/12/2009 7:13:01 PM
Independent (i.e. those capable of looking after themselves) women are more likely to be with a man because they actually love him rather than because they can't cope with being alone.

rune3

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 36 (view)

Living expenses and pride.. Posted: 11/12/2009 9:58:13 AM
Kit, It's often difficult to bring up money issues: you're far from unique in having a problem with it. Maybe he feels really awkward too. I suggest that you sit down with him and open a discussion by acknowledging that money is not the easiest thing to talk about. You could apologise for the fact that you have not been asking him for his 100 every week but explain that you felt embarrassed to do so, but that you really do need his financial contribution now that he's living with you and you'd like to have a fixed way of transferring the money every week. If he's a forgetful type you won't resolve the issue unless you set up a weekly bank transfer or Monday routine. Alternatively, you could give him 100 per week and he can then do ALL the grocery shopping -- going by your stated figures, you'll save money based on that (not to mention time and effort) so you will still be able to pick up the odd thing yourself without unbalancing it. It can be very difficult for a man who is in a situation of being somewhat dependent -- there is a huge stigma over it -- the people who are so outraged here would probably not be spitting so many feathers if it was a single father and a girlfriend struggling to find suitable employment. Tread gently and be clear that you do need his contribution but feel embarrassed to ask for it: let him have the opportunity to do the manly (adult) thing. If he is contributing so much within the home, I doubt he's a freeloader, though he may well feel like one and be mortified about it. I suspect that maybe he would be of more help if he was in charge of the shopping -- if he's got domestic skills he may be able to seriously reduce those bills, which would benefit you all. Try not to let your feeling of anxiety or vulnerability make you go all aggressive and demanding, but communicate the problem as clearly as you can and give him the opportunity to solve it.

rune3

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 34 (view)

A Plugged up Toilet, so she packed up and left?! Should I let it go? Posted: 11/8/2009 7:26:03 AM
For all this rant, in the end, I miss her. Sometimes it may be easy to represent unusual behaviour in a way that portrays the person in an extreme negative light. You miss her presumably because you understood that she has OCD and that this behaviour is part of her disorder. It's not about the toilet, or the toilet paper: it's about the fact that at the moment you can't be on a remotely equal footing and that's very hard to handle and upsets the balance of whatever type of friendship you had before. You've been friends a long time. Presumably that means that you can talk to each other like old friends. Her behaviour looks crazy and selfish to an outsider, presented only with one version of events, and yours looks crazy and martyrish, but you miss her and have been friends with her a long time, her current circumstances are not easy and presumably she is struggling. Unemployment is high and she's not coming across like a person who has a sound grip of things but one suffering from mental illness that is likely to affect her ability to work. Sometimes one wants to give all they can, and it's easy to believe that if you are self-sacrificing enough, if you give enough, it will work out. It doesn't work like that, however and it may be that to sustain your old friendship or to support your old friend and assist her in getting out of the rut, you need to not be supporting her material/financially. Talking to a third party such as a counsellor, may help. You appear to be the type of bloke who finds it hard to say no -- be aware that for your children's sake you may need to enlist the help of someone who can say no on your behalf.

rune3

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 16 (view)

IS IT TRUE THAT A WOMAN SHOULDN’T PURSUE A MAN? Posted: 11/6/2009 1:04:18 AM
It seems crazy to me that woman wait to see who approaches them. You don't usually approach any other aspect of your life this way: no matter what area of your life you consider, you know fine well that if you want to be happy with what you end up with, you have to be proactive. You don't limit your choice of anything else to the range that someone comes up to you and promotes to you/offers you: you go out, you go and see what there is at the shops or in the job market. The perfect job is unlikely to come in the form of someone approaching you out of the blue and saying "we want to appoint you!" -- oh perhaps it happens to a few, but I bet those few did not get to the point of being headhunted like that by being passive little things. I hate passivity: it's crap. If you care about something, why on earth would you sit there waiting? Does it come down to being afraid that if you pursue the wrong man, you have to take responsibility and own up to poor judgement? I don't believe in pursuing someone if they are running away, but I see nothing wrong with making first contact, expressions of interest or in generally being in control of moving things forward. In many ways it makes sense for the female to overtly set the pace, as she is likely to covertly set it even if she acts passively and refuses to initiate anything. We may have been programmed to go all mushy at the idea of the handsome prince whisking in and being all assertive, but in reality, who wants that? He'd likely end up down at the police station being charged with assault these days, because we know we don't live in a fairytale and women have every right/duty to be cautious. Being passive seems ridiculous to me: you get one life: why on earth would you leave what is going to happen up to other people's initiative like that?

rune3

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 56 (view)

Why to worry about when to give sex? Posted: 11/3/2009 1:19:04 PM
Daynadaze wrote: Why would I have a sexual attraction to someone I don't know yet? It's good to see someone else asking this question. It amazes me that so many people seem to consider attraction an instant thing. Attraction to what? To an image, to a photograph, to a face? To have an intense and deep response to something so superficial and fleeting seems pretty strange.

rune3

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 11 (view)

What do you think of a guy with an accent Posted: 11/3/2009 12:25:24 PM
1) Canadian but I might be biased okay, I am :-)

rune3

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 31 (view)

Why to worry about when to give sex? Posted: 11/2/2009 9:51:15 PM
I think that people look for numbers and rules because they are afraid of using their own judgement: afraid of being thought either a slut or frigid -- more afraid of what people will think than they are of being untrue to what they feel is right and think is best for themselves. Afraid and -- unwilling to take responsibility. It's very common. Normal, one might say. It takes courage to do things your own way, to use your own judgement and to not be influenced by your peers. Few are able to do it, so of course most are looking around to find out what everyone else is doing. Waiting makes a lot of sense, in terms of caring for your own physical and emotional well-being (plus those of the possible children resulting from sex: whether you plan to abort them or not, they are part of the question) vs satisfying immediate lust. Humans do not always desire what is good for them and if you can resist other temptations that harm your prospect of health or happiness (women tend to be more devastated by one-night stands than men do) then you can also resist the temptation to have sex whilst the other person is still very much an unknown and the risks are high. Perhaps this is why smokers are more promiscuous: behaviour regarding their own well-being is already negligent. Risks reduce over time as you get to know the person and what to expect from them. But it's not cool to be sensible: much more desirable to act as if you have no sense or reason and are just desperate to be accepted as being normal. Crazy world.

rune3

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 8 (view)

Careers that Drain Your Energy Posted: 11/2/2009 9:12:45 PM
I think that pretty much any career, even a mere job, can drain your energy if that's the type of person you are. Work definitely steals energy and time, and if your work is a vocation, as it is likely to be if you are unable to squash yourself into a robotic drone mindset, it doesn't matter how little money they pay you. Another aspect of this is that creative energy, fulfilled, can be energising: those able to be passionate with their work are, to my mind, more likely to be able to be passionate about life in general and in relationships. It can create a virtuous spiral instead of a destructive one. It comes back partly to the difficult question of balance but also to compatibility and understanding. My partner and I both get very absorbed in and passionate about our work (though neither of us earns much at all) and both of us understand that type of 'being focused' and don't feel upset by it -- though we do wish there were more hours in the day...

rune3

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 6 (view)

How can you meet girls if you don't get out? Posted: 11/1/2009 10:27:36 PM
If you think, as I do, that the type you'll be compatible with is also likely to be an introvert, then probably the best place to find someone who dislikes social stuff as much as you do is NOT going to be by forcing yourself to do social stuff... Being on a dating site is a start, otherwise you may meet people through work or through voluntary work or groups. My partner and I are both quite reclusive: introvert + introvert is a very nice combination. Extroverts are draining: they need interaction to give them energy and interaction drains introverts so the constant demand for interaction is very tiresome. I met partners through work and through penpal contact (I was trying to learn a new language really, not make friends) and finally through PoF. If I was a male and actively looking, aside from PoF, I might do voluntary work or join evening classes of some kind. It's not long since you were involved with someone, someone quite troubled: an involvement that was stressful in many ways -- I remember you posting about it. Give it a bit of time: make your profile easy to respond to and I wouldn't doubt that PoF will give you the opportunity to meet some girls.

rune3

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 16 (view)

How to compliment a girl on her cute halloween costume? Posted: 10/31/2009 10:54:32 PM
It seems to me that you are agonising over a strange detail. What is the real question here? I would be guided by the type of costume: if she's done a "Willow" and it's a very modest and non-revealing Eskimo outfit, as seems likely based on your description of her, you probably would be wise to avoid comments about her body or sexiness: just comment on the costume. A modest costume would also indicate to me that she's not one of those who wants a lot of male attention and the type who genuinely needs to be friends first before a relationship, rather than they type who just enjoys having men lusting after her when she has no intention of getting involved with them. If however, she put a lot of flesh on display, you might risk more in your comment -- and you might seriously reconsider the friend-zoning issue too. Women who enjoy having random men leering at them are more likely to be the types who also do the friend-zoning thing to get an ego boost. If you want a laugh out of it, you could suggest increasingly wild additions to her costume, like a portable igloo or a seal or... well I'm sure you can think of something that will raise a laugh.

rune3

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 20 (view)

How to prevent THIS type of hurt? Posted: 10/31/2009 10:34:50 PM
One person gets very serious and the other doesn't-? This happens quite a lot, doesn't it? To my mind, before you even date that person, you should know whether they are the type of person who chooses to sustain a relationship that they don't see as long term. If they are the kind of person who would do this, then they are not really a person who wants the same kind of thing as you: they have different values/priorities. Someone who wants long-term with "the one" is completely stupid if they choose to tie themselves up, however temporarily, with someone whom they do not consider to have that potential. If you want to know how you can avoid the Jon/Jane who knows fine well that they don't want the same thing as you but intentionally pretends that they do in order to play you, the best way is to avoid broadcasting the message of what you want to be going on. A person is harder to play if their dreams cannot be easily identified. Having said that, anyone can be deceived, and those who think they can't are more vulnerable than those who realise they can.

rune3

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 16 (view)

Solar Outdoor Lighting - filling our landfill sights! Posted: 10/30/2009 11:06:37 PM
You might have done better had you posted this in Science. They can be an even more harsh crowd but some of them are quite well-read. Sustainability is something that interests more and more people. I just completed a short project on Water Harvesting with a bunch of plumbing apprentices; they were much more interested than I expected them to be. I feel sceptical about doing things for green reasons alone, because of the minimal impact that our efforts can make, as individuals, when industry wastes so much. We can insulate like crazy and heat our house only by burning wood and pay for electricity from a wind farm, but then I go to work and the shoddy old shacks with single glazing rotting out of the frames are heated to 22C -- which to me is hot like an oven, our house is usually about 16C, less in some areas. One cannot turn off the heating, but must open windows, similarly, one cannot turn off some of the lights, which come on via motion detectors and remain on even in bright sunlight or when you would really rather they were turned off so that students could actually see the projector screen. And I've worked in other places and they're none of them better. Restaurants and supermarkets waste tons of food and packaging. All that one person can do is a drop in the ocean, and whilst being the drop in the ocean may still be right and good, there is a question of balance here: how far do you bend over backwards to do something which has the net effect of zero? I think each of us has to decide what we can easily do and where to draw the line -- we all make our own balances. Some of the less green and trendy may exert their energies in directions that have a different type of positive impact upon the world around them: maybe she drives a lot, but maybe she's driving in order to visit lonely elderly folk and improve their quality of life; maybe he creates a lot of rubbish and uses a lot of energy but he's taking care of his own children and being the best father he can to them. Each person only has so much energy. I feel that governments need to make it much easier for us to make environmentally sound decisions: as you say, even the information on these issues is far from clear cut. Is it really best to buy light bulbs whose flicker makes members of your family ill and which contain chemicals so toxic that they are dangerous if they shatter? Sometimes dual motives come into play. I think this is the case with sustainability: it's not just the thought of being environmentally friendly, but the thought that was can become more self-sufficient. Looking ahead to old age, doesn't it make sense to invest in a house that will have lower running costs? We recently moved, to an old granite cottage with only a bit of insulation in one part of the roof. Insulating the roof last weekend has already made a big difference to how far the heat goes. My partner has all the components for solar water heating, and we both have done extensive reading on the topic, but we feel that it will need installing before we can really see how well it works for us in this particular spot (misty hillside) for this particular house. We don't use much in the way of hot water and that is heated by the fire, so our solar-heated water will be piped into underfloor heating. It all takes time to set up because at the moment we of course don't have underfloor heating: just a cold, uninsulated concrete slab floor. If you want to be more green and/or more self-sufficient, the first step seems to be rethinking your consumption -- raising your own awareness.... How hot do you need your house? How much driving do you really need to do? Do you really need that new....? Do you need to eat quite so much meat/processed/out of season food? But everything has to be balanced: we can't avoid being polluting: just breathing in and out is polluting, drinking water is polluting, dying is polluting -- you have no choice in the matter. So since you know you will inevitably have a negative impact, I feel that one has to balance the energy invested in minimising this with the energy one invests in having a positive impact upon your little world: doing the things that matter to you, that feel worthwhile. Industry has a lot of "green" products to sell you: be wary how much you buy into their guilt-tripping advertising agenda. One of the results of the water harvesting calculations was to discover that for some people, the size of their roof meant that even in rainy Wales, they would not be able to collect enough water to pay for the harvesting system before it was at the end of it's expected lifespan and due to need replacing. How much waste did that system and the delivery and installation of is create in relation to how much was saved by the use of the rainwater it collected? They don't even publish the figures that enable us to make such calculations yet. Be careful what you allow yourself to be sold.

rune3

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 14 (view)

My wife wants no passion. Help!! Posted: 10/29/2009 7:41:47 PM
Just my feelings in response to the scant information it is possible for you to convey in your post: It's taken you 25 years to ask her the question; perhaps you can wait a little longer for an answer from her? It's a difficult question. As quietjohn says, she has stuck with you for 25 years, after only 3 years of marriage prior to your severe injury: in my opinion that takes significant passion. As best friends, you need to discuss this more. As best friends, I think the two of you should be able to address this. You've been paralysed from the waist down for the last 25 years, you say -- and you think that caused her zero issues? Seems unlikely. Maybe she missed the 'passion' horribly too and found that because kissing was as much as you wanted, it was simply frustrating for her, to the point where she tuned out so as not to become aroused. I think you need to try to talk with her about this not from an "I want" perspective that asks more of her when she may feel that she's given you her whole life already and has nothing more to give and finds it depressing that you seem not to appreciate her sacrifices in this matter. You can't discuss it with her properly taking the approach you have done -- 25 years of silence other than the odd "I want" followed by the announcement one day that you feel a real need to address this along with the announcement: "I know you don't want..." and then going public on her about it. You need to try harder not to be controlling here, to be open to hearing her side of things, rather than making assumptions that since you were paralysed she has become paralysed too. Maybe her sex drive was normally active until it died of neglect and the need to cope with a difficult situation. You need to bear in mind that the two of you are on the same side. She loves you, deeply: her presence in your life demonstrates that. She can't manufacture passion and I'll tell you frankly that little is a bigger killer of passion than a man whinging that he's being neglected in that respect. She is supposed to create desire for you as a man in response to your need to be desired? It doesn't work like that!! You've known her a long time: have you troubled to observe what creates sparks in her? If you, like too many men, have never considered taking the trouble to get to know your partner in this way, consider it now. Music, memory lane, specific films --- more than that, the feeling that you are a man, not an infant to care for -- and being paralysed has sod all to do with being a man or not: it's an emotional dynamic and you need to think about being that man, the man she fell in love with all those years ago. Think of how you behaved towards her back then -- caring of her feelings, protective, complimentary, admiring. You still are that man, but due to your injuries your dynamic with her has changed so that that side of you is hidden by your needs. Male/female dynamics often suffer if the woman's role becomes that of mother figure to the man, responsible for all the details of their lives, all the decisions... Circumstances have propelled you both into that dynamic, but there is no reason why physical disability need result in you stopping being all that you were to her at an emotional and security level. She's your best friend and you love each other: remember that you are on the same side and don't put everything on her or on you: blame is pointless: sort out the dynamic: let her rediscover the happy girl you fell in love with, who loved you for who you were, before all these responsibilities and duties and difficulties weighed her down. I don't know if any of this makes sense, I've just typed out my thoughts as they came to me. I do know that in my experience desire and passion is a response and that's not a response to a whingy request or complaint "I want...". After 28 years you SHOULD know what triggers her feelings of passion or desire and if you do not, that would seem like a logical place to start. Emotions cannot be manufactured on request, but they can be stimulated or nurtured into being.

rune3

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 18 (view)

Getting my friend out of an abusive relationship Posted: 10/28/2009 7:56:15 PM
Give her these thoughts to play with: 1) Is his behaviour genuinely getting better? If not, do you think that you being with him is making him worse? 2) Do you find that you are able to help other people? In the past, have other people thanked you for stuff you've done for them? If so, why make the choice to give your efforts to someone who you cannot help and to take away what you could offer to others who would be grateful for your kindness or support or time? 3) If you love a person but they behave angrily and aggressively and otherwise badly when they are with you, is it loving to try to continue a relationship with them and so have them behave badly more often. If she is religious, or a kind-hearted generous type of person, get her to think in terms of what she has to offer the world and to reconsider her choice to give it to someone for whom it does not have a positive effect. Abusive relationships spiral and destroy the abused person's self-worth: it is unlikely that "you deserve better" will get her out of this: abusers often use the self-sacrificing and giving nature of the person to control them. This can also work against the abuser if the abused person realises that all their giving is no gift to this person and that they would be better to give where their giving has a positive effect. Good luck.

rune3

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 98 (view)

Wouldn't ordinarily do this... Maxim mag/porn accusations etc Posted: 10/28/2009 6:43:34 PM
People have different ideas of what cheating (or more precisely, betrayal) means, this is near to one extreme. The fact that it is an extreme does not make it invalid: it is her view and I'll venture to say there are men and women more extreme than she is. The main problem is that you didn't know how she'd feel and understandably were completely taken by surprise by her reaction, which was an entirely unreasonable reaction. TV and the news show us how other people can behave and it shouldn't take long to realise that different people have different boundaries and that you need to communicate what your values are to a partner or prospective partner if you hope for them to respect those values/boundaries. In general, it is wrong, in my opinion, to be in a relationship with someone if you realise that your normal behaviour will challenge their values or lead to them feeling betrayed and it is important to make the effort to find out where their boundaries are. It is also a very bad idea, in my opinion, to be involved with someone who frequently responds in a childish, aggressive or threatening manner: no-one needs that.

rune3

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 11 (view)

Girlfriend Moving Posted: 10/28/2009 6:27:41 PM
So how do I express to this girl over the next 2 months that I don't think that I want her to leave? I pretty much know that if she goes back north, that things probably won't last...I don't know. Doesn't sound like you are very emotionally invested here; you've only known her one month so that's reasonable, but why try to predict how you will feel in 2 months? It may well all be over by then, judging by how lukewarm things sound at present.

rune3

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 3 (view)

Old friendship blossoming Posted: 10/28/2009 10:12:05 AM
You first fell in love with her when you were 17. That's powerful stuff right there. I believe that sometimes, perhaps especially when we are very young, we quickly fall into an idealistic and blind kind of love in response to one aspect of the other person which triggers a strong response in us: they become symbolic of something very important. For example, the person who admires or aspires to independence, freedom, popularity or confidence, will fall head over heels with someone who embodies these characteristics. The reason I think it might be the case for you is not only your age but the desire to pursue a relationship with someone you've had so much evidence of incompatibility regarding. The two of you totally failed to communicate: you had no clue what was going on with her, she's pretty much jerked you around, intentionally or not. The people we fall madly in love with, especially when very young, are often not the people with whom it will be possible for us to build a healthy relationship. For someone you've known 6 years and once were involved with, there's a distinct lack of relating in everything you wrote and a distinct flavour of idealism. I suggest you examine very carefully, and logically, if this could be the case. If this is a crush, best treat it as such and not pursue: a crush is an expression of your longings and values, not a foundation for a rewarding relationship. On the other hand -- sometimes you just have to go for it, I understand that. If she's not worth the risk or prospect of heartbreak, why would you bother going out with her in the first place. You can't protect your heart, nor do you need to: it will break and heal to love again and again: don't fear it. Just figure out for yourself whether you have a real relationship or only a fantasy.

rune3

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 38 (view)

Do You Think People Are Possessions? Posted: 10/28/2009 8:08:22 AM
While I agree that cheaters will cheat regardless of how good you treat them.... I also recognize that many people will "appear to cheat" to get attention from their partner. In my humble opinion, this is what she was doing.... she was leaving the house in her bikini, to visit a an ex-boyfriend.... and he never batted an eyelash... HELLO!!!... this is an obvious cry for attention. I think that such behaviour should be met with complete disdain. The girl is attempting to be controlling, trying to manipulate a reaction. It's childish at best. I don't think that the person who fails to respond in a jealous/possessive manner is screwed up: but I do wonder at the person who found such behaviour (angling for a reaction) acceptable. Sod jealousy -- who WANTS someone who behaves like that?

rune3

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 26 (view)

you cant beat a fantasy can you Posted: 10/27/2009 10:20:42 PM
overheard the conversation her words were (I love my boy friend but im not in love with him I love someone else I still love her but I don’t know how to deal with this hopefully you people could help You deal with it by opening wide the door and saying "Go! Be free! (and never come back)". It's tempting to go for public embarrassment by going up to the guy in the pub and telling him, "Apparently my recently ex-girlfriend is in love with you: good luck with dodging that one." But that would be too childish, wouldn't it? Would it? You definitely should not spend any longer in a relationship with a person who cares this little for your feelings UNLESS you are capable of nothing better yourself, in which case, well: you will not spoil 2 homes. Her behaviour is appalling: a huge betrayal of you, even if the sentiment were forgiveable, the behaviour is not, in my opinion. However, we don't really know what your behaviour towards her is like. The short version is: if that's how she treats someone she loves: public humiliation, what is her love worth? Not much in my opinion.

rune3

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 18 (view)

Do You Think People Are Possessions? Posted: 10/27/2009 10:08:12 PM
How you choose to regard the "my" is up to you. It is not necessary a thing of ownership, but a thing of relationship, of belonging. When you say "my boss", "my job", "my mum", "my responsibility", "my duty", "my pleasure", "my honour", "my home town", "my country", "my king", "my hopes and dreams" are you bespeaking a dominant ownership of these things or identifying yourself in relation to the world around you. He is "my dog" doesn't necessarily reek of "I own him, body and soul", but can simply be identity, association: "it is my duty to feed him, walk him and take care of him and my good fortune to enjoy his loyal companionship". He is "my boyfriend" or "my partner" also does not necessarily imply ownership or dominance but simply relationship. It indicates his importance in my world, it says, "he is the one I love and honour and with whom I wish to be". (Sometimes I might tease him and say "Mine!" as did the seagulls in Finding Nemo, and he may do the same, but tis only a joke: I greatly value his freedom, as he values mine.) Not everyone experiences jealousy as you did and those who do, find it very difficult to deal with when in partnership with those who do not: they honestly regard jealousy as evidence of love. As someone who does not naturally tend towards jealousy, I always found this confusing, as did my partner. It is a relief to be with someone who does not play games of trying to trigger a display of jealousy and getting upset when none is forthcoming. In the situation of your girlfriend going up to an ex in a bikini, I see no reason for jealousy. If she behaves in ways you find inappropriate just to trigger some reaction from you, to me that seems extremely childish and if she behaves in ways that you find inappropriate simply because she sees nothing wrong with them, then either you accept that part of her or you don't. I don't see what place jealousy has in it. If your partner demonstrates that they would prefer to be with someone else and favour them over you, I say let them go! Who wants someone who doesn't want you? Regarding need... I think it is a shame if a long term relationship does not progress from infatuation to attachment and with that attachment a growing need for each other. Sure, you might survive the end of the relationship, but whilst it is alive, what is wrong with each needing the other. Life changes when you put another person at the centre of it, and there's nothing wrong with that so long as they do the same and the situation is sustainable: indeed, it's one of the best possible ways for life to be, in my opinion. Don't be afraid to grow to need someone, but take care that they truly care about you: allowing yourself to need someone who enjoys having the power over you is no good for anyone.

rune3

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 18 (view)

Reading between the lines! Posted: 10/27/2009 1:15:00 PM
I hate when people try to read between the lines. I do my best to spell things out clearly: I don't put stuff between the lines -- imagining that I did and then fabricating your own wild fantasy that bears no relation to anything I was communicating is seriously aggravating.

rune3

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 58 (view)

Robot lovers - yes or no? Posted: 10/27/2009 1:12:44 PM
Pros: Everything in a person you've always desired; never ages; no temper tantrums; never looks at a person of the opposite sex with desire; can converse about anything you find interesting; does housework; never has a headache; gets on well with your parents..etc. Con: Not human. Some of those pros don't seem like positives to me! Never ages? Such "couples" would look pretty silly together after a decade or two. Ultimately, whilst robo-maid may be very useful, a computer is a tool not a being. That which makes a person lovable is their humanity, in my opinion. For me, whilst I appreciate my partner being supportive, what keeps me interested is his mind. What is he thinking, what is his opinion on this? I don't care what a robot thinks, why would I? If I programmed it, I know what it thinks, I told it what perceptions to have. It's not going to come up with some astounding insight. If it was perfect, which I doubt, if normal computers are anything to go by or my programming choices were involved, it's perfection would be wearying. How can I feel okay about feeling grumpy or inattentive if it never is? I think it would depress me to spend time with a robot facsimile of a human -- even if it wasn't Marvin-like, which I can't help but imagine it might be.

rune3

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 3 (view)

what does it say when your boyfriend won't move to be with you? Posted: 10/27/2009 7:39:25 AM
I think that if you look for a problem long enough you will find one, or create one. Sometimes people have very powerful feelings for places. Unless you have experienced a sense of belonging to a place, you can't imagine how strong that can be. Sometimes, the feeling will be for the place you're born in, other times you may discover that you belong to a place later in life. Many people never experience this feeling and I've no doubt it must be very hard to appreciate just how powerful and significant it is. I gave up my first career largely due to the fact that I needed to be in a particular area and was very unhappy away from it -- it sucks that the area is distant from my family, but I belong here in ways I can't describe. Is there a particular reason you feel a need to drag your perfect partner away from the place he belongs to?

rune3

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 2 (view)

The eye roll and no response Posted: 10/26/2009 1:27:15 PM
I've been askng her for the past month does she still love me and the answer has been "of course baby". Do you love me? Do you love me now? How about now? Do you still love me? ........for a month then: Last week we had a fight and I asked again. I know you're really angry with me right now, but do you still love me? You're lucky she didn't hit you with something. Can't you see how irritating this behaviour is? If not, you need to talk to someone who may be able to explain it to you, or witness from the other side of things the decline in appeal of a girlfriend who hangs on your sleeve asking "do you love me?" every 5 mins.

rune3

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 24 (view)

I am a uniformed worker. Posted: 10/26/2009 12:37:15 PM
Then I come on Plentyoffish, and to my amazement, I get tons of messages. Everyone seems to want to meet me. I suspect this is the experience of many women. Even men who have experimented with non-photo, zero content ("ask me!") female profiles report getting a lot of contact and messages expressing interest. Don't take it personally: there are many desperate men out there, mailing 100 women a day, it seems. Finding the genuine ones among the spam can't be easy.

rune3

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 2 (view)

Friends before dating a thing of the past? Posted: 10/26/2009 12:22:16 PM
I think dating is a bizarre idea too. Stick to doing things your way. Trust yourself. There are many others who feel this way and whilst many may bow to peer pressure and perceived expectations, not all will. Getting to know a person takes time. Getting to know whether you find them interesting or attractive or not takes time too. People who are goal-oriented when it comes to relationships don't seem to me to give things chance to grow, just want to create some artificial insta-relationship in which no actual relating whatsoever occurs but a complex series of unspoken rules are crucial.

rune3

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 4 (view)

Long Distance Relationship Posted: 10/26/2009 10:52:58 AM
I think you have to conclude that for whatever reason, it's over. The likelihood is that there was some stuff he felt unable to tell you, that would have become obvious when you met him. He may not be military, he may be 10-20 years older than he said or much heavier, he may be married. Alternatively, he may just have felt that there was too much pressure: you guys haven't met and you are clearly very serious: what if the attraction isn't there when you meet in person -- did you discuss this and make sure to make it easy for both of you to deal with? In a way, the reason doesn't matter because the outcome is still the same. It's like saying "was it the red shirt or the purple socks that made all my washing pink?" -- who cares: the washing is now pink. Getting to know people long-distance is something unusual for most of us: we're more accustomed to getting to know people face-to-face, with a host of cues from body language, facial expression and tone of voice to supplement the spoken words. People experiment and get in deeper than they ever intended; people fail to realise that their brain has padded the stream of information with details from their dreams (or nightmares). I think that you have to always bear in mind that information sparsity: it exists in face-to-face meetings too, but in more familiar ways: we're perhaps less aware online of the information that we've assumed to be true, because it's the type of information we're not accustomed to questioning. Where you go from now depends on you. You can either put the experience behind you and move on, perhaps a little wiser and more cautious; or you could contact him as a penfriend, underlining no expectations and try to find out what the deal was. I would go with the first option: a relationship with a man who behaves at best like a frightened rabbit who lacks sufficient concern for your feelings to make some kind of effort at communication, seems an unpromising prospect. You could of course hold onto the possibility that he was abducted by aliens, if you prefer to live in fantasy land, which would be entirely understandable, just so long as you are aware of what you're doing.

rune3

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 50 (view)

my boyfriend asked me for money Posted: 10/26/2009 10:35:29 AM
How did this "relationship" get off the ground? Seems like you committed yourself to being in a relationship with him prior to spending any time with him. Did someone suggest that was sane or even remotely normal? Have you been watching too many films? He's bad news -- if he can't be even vaguely nice to you in the first week, what hope is there? Next time, give yourself time -- much more than a week -- of getting to know someone before deciding if you want to get involved. You desperately need to learn about the potential for people to behave badly and strategies for not giving them instant access. You do not talk to strangers about money: you were lucky he revealed his unpleasantness, rather than acting nice and wheedling the cash out of you. The next man you meet may not be so transparent.

rune3

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 14 (view)

Do you think everyone needs a vice? Posted: 10/24/2009 7:26:14 PM
The people that have vices are the ones who say that everyone should have one. It enables them to portray the viceless as flawed and to feel good about their own bad habits.

rune3

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 19 (view)

Not to feed your ego... Posted: 10/23/2009 7:35:52 PM
If I'm thinking that they are lucky to have me, things are not going well!! Isn't it better to feel that you are the lucky one? I know I feel that I am beyond fortunate to have my partner in my life. How did I get so lucky? What is even more amazing, is that he feels the same way. Wouldn't it be rather sad to be with someone who thought that you should think yourself lucky to be with them? Shows they don't reckon much of you, in my opinion. Why'd you want to be with someone you don't reckon much of, either? A relationship is not meant to be an act of charity.

rune3

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 26 (view)

From lover to boyfriend Posted: 10/23/2009 10:41:40 AM
Why have you been searching for other dates? Does he know that he is just a make-do until you find something better? What a lousy way to treat someone. He wants you to be his girlfriend, you've led him on big-time by sleeping with him and all you can think of is how to disentangle yourself so you can find more men to mess around with. You weren't brought up by an old woman with many clocks, were you?

rune3

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 16 (view)

One man woman never found her one woman man Posted: 10/21/2009 10:07:31 PM
The things you wish to change are not the things you need to change. You are currently like the women who think they are too intelligent, too kind, too beautiful -- you are a human, somewhere you are messing things up for yourself and it isn't because you are too monogamous. Your profile screams it, but you're clearly not ready to see it yet.

rune3

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 10 (view)

Is it acceptable to date/marry a Man who is a stay-at-home Dad? Posted: 10/21/2009 12:05:11 PM
I think it'd be preferable if my partner didn't have to work. He needs to work because his self-esteem is somewhat tied to it, as is mine to my work, but the work he does is very hard on him physically and emotionally and I'd rather if he didn't feel like he needed to and could just potter about and do his own thing. However, it's important to him that he 'pulls his weight' and I understand and appreciate that feeling, though it's his, not mine. He contributes immeasurably to my well-being by being part of my life, it really seems trivial how the bills are split. It feels as though I owe him so much in terms of quality of life, that it's daft for him to worry about contributing... but I suppose if he was the type who was willing to lounge about on the sofa week after week and watch me working my socks off without lifting a finger, he'd not be the man I love.

rune3

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 2 (view)

Intimacy Issues Posted: 10/20/2009 8:29:29 AM
Take time to get to know people before anything romantic develops. That way you are not plunging yourself into a romantic scenario with all that ridiculous pressure, with a stranger (makes no sense at all to me, dating). You might just be nervous, for no apparent reason. It happens. I was. The first time someone put his arm around me, he commented that he wasn't sure if I was going to run or hit him. I remember I was uncomfortable with his arm around me so as a compromise I held his hand. That was better because it was familiar and safe, from childhood. I don't know where the anxiety comes from, it was an odd one. Sometimes I wondered if something had happened to me that I could not remember, but I am pretty certain I would know by now. Give it time, give yourself time and don't do anything before you are ready. There is no reason why you'd not be ready at some point: physical contact is something very natural and comforting for human beings. If you seek information, seek the comforting and unshocking official-type websites aimed at informing kids and teens. Don't go scaring yourself. I am a strange mix of very physical and very reserved. Touch means a lot to me -- I used to dodge hugs and kisses even of relatives and even today I am still kind of jumpy in that way, but with my partner - I'm always touching him - a less affectionate man doubtless would be completely smothered and irritated. It may take you a while. Don't assume there is necessarily anything wrong with you: it might be that you are actually very physically affectionate but it means too much to you to be casual about it, so you freeze and find it unnatural when people touch you without there being that connection and meaning there. I'm not sure of the reasons why -- but don't push yourself to betray yourself just to fit in with what others consider to be normal (which often tends to be pretty deviant). You might turn out to be asexual, and there's nothing wrong with that, either. You'll find there are asexual men on this site with whom you could potentially find great understanding and friendship, perhaps even love, if that's how it works for you.

rune3

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 15 (view)

How do you deal with being stereotyped? Posted: 10/19/2009 9:22:54 AM
I wouldn't worry much about other people's stereotypes: just be who you are. Their expectations are their own business, unless they are in danger of feeling let down, in which case, you might care to try to disillusion them quickly. People don't see me the way I see myself: that much is very clear. What is the truth? The truth is that their experience of me is their reality and my thoughts on the matter are none too relevant to them.

rune3

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 16 (view)

Would you date a girl with medical issues? Posted: 10/18/2009 7:50:08 PM
You will find that for some people it is not an issue. I like that you said "look past that", rather than "consider me despite that". Hold on to that mindset. Don't end up settling for someone who is less than kind because of the idea that your illness means you can hope for nothing better. I am sure that if you are a loving person and have the sense to steer yourself towards those who are also loving rather than showy, you will find someone with whom you can share a happy and mutually understanding and supportive relationship. I suffer migraines very badly, very frequently and I have a headache the rest of the time - to the extent that sometimes I feel less than human. It has never been a big issue in relationships, though some of my ways of coping (preferring not to plan/commit to future activities) were sometimes taken personally, when they should not have been. The understanding and acceptance for others that can result from personal suffering is a bonus when it comes to relating.

rune3

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 11 (view)

most embarassing moments on the job/school Posted: 10/18/2009 7:11:10 PM
.....and place his punch card in the top rung (he's about 5'3" and the top rung is about 6') I know a young man who suffered similar bullying related to his height. The morons made his working life a misery. Fortunately, he has brains and determination and will be moving on to better things, but it sucks beyond belief to do this to someone: don't you think he suffers enough? I don't doubt he knows you're all in on it. I am angry as I write this because I'm thinking of the young man I taught, who had to put up with endless humiliations related to his height, from his peers -- the senseless suffering involved due to the thoughtless behaviour of supposedly adult men. I hope you will rethink your behaviour towards him. Pranks played on all without discrimination can be fun, but if you were targeting the only guy of another race or the only woman in your workplace, or the person with a disability, you'd know you were crossing a line. This is no different. My embarrassing moments at work tend to be related to my extreme clumsiness. I never know when I am going to nearly fall over, become entangled with a chair or accidentally tread on a student. I always have bruises from walking into stuff. It would be nice to be graceful, or even just a bit better coordinated. Still, thankfully no-one really makes fun of me for it any more. Not in a mean way, anyway.

rune3

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 19 (view)

Are women emotionally moved by music the same way men are? Posted: 10/18/2009 1:15:23 PM
I used to be so emotionally moved by music that I couldn't bear to listen to any of it. It stirred up too much for me to cope with. Music without words is less human: you are hearing things, not people's voices and that makes it less stirring. Some singers sing like they mean it and I'm more likely to get near tears at a human being's voice cracking or wavering than someone plucking at a bunch of strings: it's not the words so much, it's that the sound of a voice is more immediate and less open to interpretation. Having said that, I think as we get older, it's the memories and associations that music has for us that evokes the emotions most strongly.

rune3

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 4 (view)

will you stay with someone if they were diagnosed with a mental illness?? Posted: 10/17/2009 9:35:51 AM
The label hasn't changed who he is or what you have to deal with, but it may well change the way you perceive him. Logically, how it goes will depend upon whether diagnosis means that you realise it's not you that was crazy and that his behaviour was not your fault, as he may well have led you to believe it to be --- or whether diagnosis means that he can now get some help for behaviour that you have always recognised to belong to him rather than being your fault. I think it comes down to responsibility. If he took responsibility for his behaviour, rather than blaming you, the diagnosis gives you reason to hope -- with the understanding and insight gained, the situation should become easier. If he didn't take responsibility for his behaviour and you felt it was your fault, then now the blinders are off and it is usually sensible not to be involved with someone who won't take responsibility for their own unreasonable behaviour. I think the same applies in a situation before you get involved with someone: mentally ill or not. The questions are whether they hold themselves responsible for their behaviour or not and whether you can accept that behaviour. Better a mentally ill person who is taking responsibility for the way they behave than one supposed sane who seeks to blame everyone else.

rune3

Joined: 7/13/2006

Msg: 18 (view)

A family member is dying today, and I'm mad at him. Posted: 10/17/2009 8:40:45 AM
I think you should dance on his grave -- you need some kind of closure here and only you can make that for yourself and you will only be able to do so when you feel ready. Your mother has a point but expresses it badly: you do not want to set this old tyrant up as a mini-god casting a shadow over the rest of your life. Know that it's not your fault, know it in your heart as well as in your head. Know he was sick in the head and be as angry as you need to be and express that anger in some way. Women are so strongly discouraged from ever expressing anger and it causes so many problems that I think more need encouraging to let rip -- don't let the anger eat you from inside. You have every right to feel angry - you were abused by and failed by those whose duty it was to protect you. Express the anger and allow it to flow through you: it does not make you a bad person: it makes you a sane person. I am angry too, on your behalf. Sometimes anger is entirely the right response. This is one of those times. Let yourself feel what you feel. Scream and shout and punch some pillows; exhaust yourself; know that it is okay to feel angry; know that nothing that happened to you was your fault: you were a child and you should have been protected, no matter what your behaviour may have been. And with just a bit of that anger, determine that you will not allow the old tyrant to preside over the rest of your life. Your victory will be in turning the experience around so you are not destroyed or hurt, but made stronger. There's nothing more he can do now: the power is all yours.

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