We got married May 17 chat & forums.

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cartographer

Joined: 7/18/2006

Msg: 4 (view)

We got married May 17 Posted: 6/7/2009 6:26:47 PM
I just wanted to share with everyone my perspective here. I want to also thank PoF for all the help in encouraging me to seek my life's dreams, and say it does work. Long before I met capegardengirl, I felt there was an opportunity to meet someone special. And special she is. We complement each other in so many ways, it is no wonder I fell instantly in love with her when we met. As our relationship grew, none of the usual pitfalls emerged that I saw in my previous attempts to find someone, and I knew we were onto a roll to a successful relationship. Never fear asking questions when you are uncertain how things will turn out. When you find your match, they will appreciate every question you have to ask, and even when it seems they don't you know they'll forgive you for having asked it. The important thing is both parties have to be sensitive to the other's needs. If as sensitive as you can be, you are on for a good start. Good relationships take time to evolve. Finding a good person to be with does too. Note neither of us is 20, yet we are as cheerful and active as any 20 year old out there. In fact, I'm glad I met her later in both our lives, and not earlier. It has given as both a chance to discover who we are ourselves, so that neither of us is surprised by the other. Amazingly, I find myself even more active than when I was single. I'm not saying that 20 year olds can't marry and be happy, but there is a lot of truth to happiness being better for those who marry later. I feel for all the people who haven't found someone, and say to them, don't give up. Your turn will come. For every lost opportunity, there is another opportunity gained. And when you gain the opportunity you really desire, don't be afraid to go after that opportunity. It was I who one day thought the plenty of fish in the sea was no more than a large desert in Chile, where it hasn't rained in millions of years one day. Yet, I didn't give up. The rain did come, and now the ocean is out there. Remember, the success of one can spawn many others towards success.

cartographer

Joined: 7/18/2006

Msg: 22 (view)

Never married & no kids Posted: 5/3/2007 8:43:19 PM
Assumptions? Honestly. Must everyone marry young only in order to get divorced for marrying too young? That's another assumption! Really, no assumptions can be made. I'm 35 going to be 36 in June, never have been married, never had children, and it isn't because of anything wrong with me. I've decided, set aside a nice firm foundation to live on. That takes time to do on your own, but once you do, then it makes sense to build from there. Had I married straight out of college, well, maybe I would have never found my dream job. Who knows. But I have no regrets. Those who make the best of their time never should have any regrets. Now that I'm ready, it seems friends are beginning to pop out of the woodworks. It remains to be seen if one of them will want to take me permanently. Cause I'd jump at the opportunity the moment they are ready.

cartographer

Joined: 7/18/2006

Msg: 29 (view)

Is there something wrong with a girl who doesn't like clubs/dancing? Posted: 4/27/2007 4:21:53 PM
No. Because there are men like myself who prefer women who would rather go to a coffee shop, movie, concert, hike, volunteer, or other event of the like for a first date. Clubs and dancing are not the only good open social gathering spots. If a woman doesn't like clubs and dancing, they should check out men who don't mention dancing or clubs in their profiles.

cartographer

Joined: 7/18/2006

Msg: 14 (view)

Correct age to marry?? Posted: 4/21/2007 3:57:56 PM
It is never too late. Age is only a number. I'm 35, never married, and have never felt more ready.

cartographer

Joined: 7/18/2006

Msg: 181 (view)

Canada ban on Perfumes Posted: 4/15/2007 6:10:38 PM
The one positive thing about this is that men will have to become more tolerant of women who don't smell as fresh as a flower, and like them for what they say, and not how they smell. I already am.

cartographer

Joined: 7/18/2006

Msg: 47 (view)

Self confidence and dating sites Posted: 4/13/2007 4:14:52 PM
It takes a certain hardiness to tackle a dating site, when you get 99% lack of response. So if anything, you have to build up self-confidence to the point that you say anything you please until someone actually responds. It is so hard, because almost nobody seems to take it seriously. Here's to feeling like the salmon swimming upstream. I'm sure we'll make it. Just wish I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. Have to create my own light until then.

cartographer

Joined: 7/18/2006

Msg: 26 (view)

Hmmm Would it hurt to be honest? Posted: 4/13/2007 3:48:28 PM
Well if what you say is true, I'm one of the exceptions. I am brutally honest. And I hope to find others who believe in honesty as well. I can see there are people here who do, just none in my neck of the woods as of yet.

cartographer

Joined: 7/18/2006

Msg: 31 (view)

You just KNOW Posted: 4/13/2007 3:44:36 PM
There is a myth that there is the one. The only one is knowing how to make yourself happy. Rather than assuming you'll find "the one", just be yourself, and hope some day someone appreciates you for who you are, and not what you are. If they do, keep on being with them until both of you decide how far you want to take it.

cartographer

Joined: 7/18/2006

Msg: 13 (view)

Please, could I have some advice on breaking the shy routine? Posted: 4/11/2007 3:56:35 PM
If it were that easy, then why don't all the women respond? The lack of response is worse than being told "I'm not interested". This habit it seems the vast majority of women on dating sites appear to practice is really self defeating. Especially when it comes from women in their profile who claim to be open minded and are looking. It is like the worst kind of hypocrisy. Not once, not twice, but a good 90 women I've counted who I've written have treated me thus. If it were that easy, this kind of thing would never happen. Instead the vast majority are afraid to take any action. I wish to change that, and if anyone has any clues as to how I can, please write me. I'm through with writing intro letters until I know I can have something that works.

cartographer

Joined: 7/18/2006

Msg: 32 (view)

Are you sitting on the fence? Posted: 4/11/2007 3:48:11 PM
Yes. Every attempt at getting to know someone I discover they always have strings attached. They have a man more important in their life that they aren't about to say bye to. So I'm friends with a few women, but mainly I recognize that my chances with them are slim to none that anything will happen to make it even more likely they'll be my woman. I'd gladly be contacted by a woman who wants to date me daily until she has convinced me that I have nothing to fear to be with her the rest of my life, but I've yet found such a woman. They are hard to find, and they don't advertise themselves in a way that is obvious. The few that seem obvious are not, and have time and again refused to answer any e-mails I've sent them on the dating sites. And the few hellos I make with the ones I meet in real life none is about to jump into a conversation with me. I don't know what step B is. I'd take it, if I felt there was a chance at some success. It would be a lot easier for me it seems if they contacted me. Then I'd know what they really would like. I don't want to be the one dominating the conversation. Then it seems too one sided.

cartographer

Joined: 7/18/2006

Msg: 8 (view)

How do you keep yourself encouraged? Posted: 4/11/2007 3:38:09 PM
Stop seeking for a soulmate. The closest soulmate is within you. Once you realize that you can be happy on your own doing things you enjoy, hopefully some of those who are the opposite sex will have a chance to see that you are a pleasant person to be with. But if it isn't, just assume you'll be a hermit, but do what you have to in order to enjoy life. I stopped seeking for a soulmate long ago. I'm still here because I enjoy my job, hobbies, and home. You make your life easier by finding joy in anything that you do. Remember Mary Poppins old statement "For every job that must be done, there is an element of fun. When you find that fun, the job's a game!" I'm not saying that you should be a player in finding someone, but you should note that looking for someone is just part of the game of life.

cartographer

Joined: 7/18/2006

Msg: 41 (view)

how do I get past the 3rd date? Posted: 4/10/2007 4:09:11 PM
As others say, never assume we'll call back. We may have lost your number. We'd like to call back, but we aren't sure how much into us you are. If you really like a guy, don't shy away from telling him up front. If you aren't going out with anyone else, don't be afraid to say that either. Those are strong points that will get the good guys to want to stick with you. The sooner you tell them your habits, assume when they ask "how are you?" that they want to whole story, and no just an "I'm fine", the better off you'll be. We're all waiting for that one woman to be open enough with us, that we'll feel free enough to be open with them too. Sometimes I've found going out on organized hikes, that if I'm too open, women are afraid to follow through with me. If I don't say enough they never invite me into their party. Believe it or not these days, women have more power than men to drive a relationship in a successful path. The good men will not jump on you unless you let them. They will try and establish friendship first. They will watch your pace, and not try to exceed your pace. The faster you want to go, and the clearer you are about it, the faster the man will adapt to it. We are so afraid of being considered just another man out there for just sex, we won't push any relationship further than friendship until we are told it is OK to do so. The last thing any of us men want is a sexual harrassment suit just for trying to be friendly and being misinterpreted. The last thing we want is the surprise pepper spray. That's how much power you have. Cause we know woman can defend themselves if they feel threatened. So you have the power, you have the ability to either make us fear you, or love you, or just be friends with you. Be clear, concise, and don't mince words. Don't tell us of your past boyfriends, don't tell us of your current boyfriends unless you want us to join a party with them. Cause anything you are doing that's extracurricular unless it is clearly explained what is, could make us jealous, or simply cautious not to drive into another person's relationship. Unless we know it is safe to venture further we won't.

cartographer

Joined: 7/18/2006

Msg: 13 (view)

What the h*ll is the hurry? Posted: 4/9/2007 8:36:11 PM
I agree people seem to need to slow down and get to know each other. Unfortunately it seems we also live in a society that rewards instant gratification, and vilifies waiting. First hurdle to get over is getting to know someone beside yourself with enough understanding at the beginning, that they don't scare away at first sight. I mean how does one who has been behind in the dating game all their life catch up? Slowly? It seems anathema to the solution at hand. But we also have to remember the tortoise still won the race between the hare and the tortoise. The same is true in life. Slow but sure wins. So throw away the desire for instant gratification. Get to know several people until you find one you are comfortable with. Knowing what pace is best in a game one has never played properly before can be tricky.

cartographer

Joined: 7/18/2006

Msg: 40 (view)

take your shot. I can make anything!!! Posted: 4/7/2007 1:03:51 PM
Back to the Crazy Chocolate Cake: No egg whites.. No corn starch. vanilla - is how it is spelled. You can lookup any word on the Merriam Webster dictionary online. 3 cups all-purpose flour 2 cups white sugar 5/8 cup unsweetened cocoa powder 1 teaspoon salt 2 teaspoons baking soda 1 teaspoon vanilla extract 2 cups cold water 2 teaspoons distilled white vinegar 2/3 cup vegetable oil DIRECTIONS Mix all ingredients right in a 9 x 13 inch pan. Bake at 350 degrees F (175 degrees C) for 35 minutes. Remove from oven and cool. Frost with your favorite frosting. It is an old favorite recipe from the days of no eggs in Israel.

cartographer

Joined: 7/18/2006

Msg: 20 (view)

Masturbation & Virginity Posted: 4/7/2007 12:50:50 PM
There are threads on here, that basically tell us to remember "virgin is not a bad word." My question for those who ask us virgins how we can live with ourselves, is asking them how those who are not can live with themselves. Risking sexually transmitted diseases at every turn with someone they may not trust. Risking possible child support fights if the trust isn't there after sex and their having children. Point is, we won't have sex with anyone we can't trust enough to be with. And we'd be more trusting if there were more virgins out there to choose from, or nearly virgin people. There is much more to life than sex. And if all they can live with is sex, that's their problem, not yours. While I'd love to one day break my virginity, it isn't going to happen until I know someone well enough that there can be no doubt in my mind they won't cheat on me once we do get together. Abstinence in sex is the only thing that will prevent sexually transmitted diseases 100%. Not condoms, not anything else. Until that changes, I'm not about to jump into bed with a woman I don't yet trust. And then you have to also realize that there are those women who are vindictive enough to call us men on sexual harassment when it never was our intention. Trust has to exist before virginity is broken. And trust only happens by building long lasting friendships. Very few women are in my list of friends, and I'm doing everything in my power to change that.

cartographer

Joined: 7/18/2006

Msg: 8 (view)

take your shot. I can make anything!!! Posted: 4/6/2007 10:15:42 PM
OK, have you heard of Crazy Chocolate Cake? No eggs in it!

cartographer

Joined: 7/18/2006

Msg: 80 (view)

Why are people monogamous? Posted: 4/6/2007 10:11:59 PM
Haven't read every post here, so I may be repeating what others have said. Monogamy makes a lot of sense when: 1. If it ever gets to sex, you are much less likely to contract sexually transmitted diseases, unless they are inherited in the first place. In fact barring knowing the sexual history of your partners partners, you are much better off knowing that both of you have no risk from other partners in the first place. For someone who plays with everyone on the block and has sex with them, the risk becomes too high. So monogamy rules there. 2. Then there is the issue of trust. How do you know that one of their other partners won't become jealous when they learn about you, and try to fight you off? How do you know that if you have children with them, they won't automatically assume it was from a different date, and they decide to take their child and run. Custody battles are ugly. How many want that? And then how do you know that you won't be left back in the dating game because they decide for whatever reason the grass is greener with their other date, and they drop you like a hot potato for some trivial detail that you could never defend yourself about. A monogamous relationship means that once you get into it, you are willing to suffer, and enjoy whatever the consequences of being in a relationship are with that person. Love is strong enough that no amount of suffering will move you apart. If you choose the monogamist path, you won't be as likely to divorce because of mistrust. 3. You can only be with so many people at a time. If you had been relying on that date to be your person for awhile, and you discover they aren't, you are stuck with trying to find other ways to spend your time on your own. Sure you can live on your own and have nothing but friends your entire life. But what about if you got sick? What if you wanted to go places where transit can't take you, and driving is farther than you can do on your own without falling asleep. Then what? Monogamy means you'll have another person that you can always enjoy your life with together. Start going polygamous, you have no idea who you'll rely on but yourself again. You might as well have not gotten into the dating scene to begin with. Sure I can rely entirely on myself my entire life. But that's selfish. To really be with another person you have to overcome your selfishness. Monogamy means you are dedicated to that one person and they are to you. Sure you can have many friends, but really one will be the one you want to be with forever. Thus far have not found her. So I'm here. While I enjoy life, I feel like I have so much to share. And I want it to be a truly monogamist relationship.

cartographer

Joined: 7/18/2006

Msg: 94 (view)

DO you think there is someone Posted: 4/6/2007 9:55:20 PM
Yes. Every day when we go out there, we try to make connections. Often we succeed part way. Sometimes enough that friendships develop. It is like trying to get all the ingredients together for a perfect snowstorm. You sometimes have one but not the other and you get just rain. Then sometimes all sleet, sometimes all freezing rain. Occasionally the right ingredients are there, but the cold air is so strong the storm gets pushed just to your south. When all the ingredients do get together you are just amazed. Only with love relationships, I believe that once you have found one, you should make every effort to stick with it! And don't let it melt away!

cartographer

Joined: 7/18/2006

Msg: 2 (view)

Introverts at a major disadvantage, even when they 'try' to meet potential dates Posted: 4/6/2007 4:43:09 PM
The irony is, the introvert may be more sensitive to people's emotions than extroverts because they are more in touch with their own emotions, and can empathize with others. But they may not be able to communicate it because they've had little communication with the outside world to show just how sensitive they are. It seems many people want someone who is will listen to them. Introverts due listen, and listen much more intently because they have been left out of the heavily social sphere the extroverts go into. So for those of you who want a real person with real empathy, seek out the introverts. You may find their selfish surface features are really just that, and are only on the surface. So look for the other introverts out there. Don't think them to be too selfish, in spite of that initial definition given them in the dictionary. Some have been introvert long enough and are looking for ways to get out in the world.

cartographer

Joined: 7/18/2006

Msg: 18 (view)

why cant we all look at the inner beauty instead of whats on the outside?? Posted: 4/6/2007 4:25:49 PM
It appears to me that many people of both genders are afraid to look inside themselves for happiness, thus can't see it when they view it in others. The ideal relationship is not one based on either one depending on the other for happiness, but where both complement each other in ways the other can not act or view the world, and it isn't based on happiness, money, or frivolous details. Where neither party feels like there is any reason for blame, and is always looking to make something positive out of life, then success can come out of a relationship. The beginning of seeing the inner beauty in others, is seeing that inner beauty within yourself!

cartographer

Joined: 7/18/2006

Msg: 49 (view)

Women too picky Posted: 4/2/2007 3:37:48 PM
Can everyone please stop whining about how it's everyone else's fault they 1) don't get return emails, 2) can't get a date or 3) are still single? Suck it up and deal, man! Have the insight to realize that it just MIGHT be--in some minsicule way related to your personality [GASP]! I know what my neuroses are, and I take responsibility for them! I encourage everyone to do the same! Oh I recognize that my personality is not God's gift to women. But by the same token, it is not anywhere near as bad as all those men who want one night stands. I've made it perfectly clear that I don't want one night stands, that I want to build a relationship with a friendly woman, I strongly believe in a mutual relationship, and a monogamist one at that. I'm looking for a few good friends, and to build my network so that there are people I can turn to if I want to spend time going to a concert, going to the movies, walking, hiking, volunteering, etc... I do it all alone. And I am beside myself trying to understand what aspect of my personality is so revolting to the women of the modern day. I make an effort to listen to them. I am happy as a clam. I am polite to the point that even Robin Hood would be ashamed of what he didn't offer Maid Marian. I pay for dinners, and I hold the door. I let the women walk first. I open the car door. I buy women flowers for being nice enough to invite me to an event. I wish everyone a good morning who I walk by in the morning, and a good evening who I walk by in the evening. And yet, somehow, when it comes to getting them to take the next step, they never do, and I never hear back from them. I guess I'll just have to be a little patient. And I don't do it because I need it, I do it because I feel everyone should respect each other. Perhaps if everyone showed the kind of respect I do, we'd all suddenly feel a lot happier about each other. Take that chip of your shoulder, and don't call us a bunch whiners. It is you who whine that there is no perfect man out there. And when the men who try to be as perfect as they imagine you want them to be never get anywhere, you tell them that they are whining? What hypocrisy. None of us is whining. We just want to break ice in this awefully xenophobic country. I find everyone has something to offer. Everyone is smart enough to become an Einstein, and is just not given the chance. So next time you see a man open a door for you, invite them for dinner at a restaurant.

cartographer

Joined: 7/18/2006

Msg: 41 (view)

Does age matter? Seriously is it jist a number? Posted: 4/1/2007 6:42:05 AM
Age is just a number. What is important is your approach to life. If you are positive about it, you will succeed.

cartographer

Joined: 7/18/2006

Msg: 46 (view)

Being called the WRONG name by your boy/girlfriend Posted: 4/1/2007 6:28:33 AM
I think for some people it should be allowed. There is a form of dyslexia which causes people to mix verbal memories. Even my boss in my office that I've been in for 8 years has it, and has named me something different occasionally. It is not a bad thing, as usually one gets over it. Consider it along with other parts of their behavior. Dyslexia fortunately can be quite mild and not affect an overall relationship. We meet so many people, often it is difficult to get names sorted out unless we are in daily contact with them.

cartographer

Joined: 7/18/2006

Msg: 74 (view)

Men that wear expensive cologne vs no cologne Posted: 3/31/2007 2:11:25 PM
I'd do it for a date if I knew what was a good one, or one she liked. As it is, I wear none. For one thing the people I work around never wear any that is noticeable so I have no idea what is a good one and a bad one.

cartographer

Joined: 7/18/2006

Msg: 122 (view)

A question for the Guys...Ever been TOO BUSY TO CALL? Posted: 3/31/2007 2:03:03 PM
No, never too busy to call. But can I say the same for 100 odd women whom I gave my business card expecting them to call who I didn't ask their phone number? Not to mention I never see nor hear from them again. I would say this, anytime there is a lull, and you want to talk to your special someone, or someone you hope thinks you are special, you should call them. It is not a game of who will drop the ball first. Until you are told, I'm sorry but I don't want to see you anymore, you can assume they are just as anxious and wondering if you will call them. After a certain period of impatience, just like you are having now, they may give up and start looking for someone else. So my advice, whomever is the first to notice the lull, if you both have each other's phone numbers, give them a call. They may just have lost your number, but hope you didn't.

cartographer

Joined: 7/18/2006

Msg: 371 (view)

Dating men who have never been married Posted: 3/31/2007 1:02:04 PM
As a man who hasn't been married and 35, I would like to say this for those of us who haven't been married or had a family by this age. Many of us may have found better luck finding a good career in the job of our dreams than finding a woman to date and eventually marry. I'm one such person. Now that I'm stable, have no issues of income to worry about, and have found myself a home I'd love to live in the rest of my life, now I'm ready to approach the possibility of having a family. Was I ready 10 years ago? Sure if I wanted to drain all the treasury in my savings and hope to find a woman who wouldn't do further damage to it. Now that I've earned more than enough to live the rest of my life enough times over to have a family, I feel confident that I could. If I would have the chance to do it all over again, I'd do it the same way. Not all of us are totally selfish. A lot of us realize that a firm foundation is important. And that isn't selfish at all. It is thinking of the potential future family and what it would have to live on. There's a difference. Those who jump at having a family when they are 18 without having established a career and have no savings, are risking riding themselves into debt. If they are lucky, they get both family and career issues resolved at the same time. At my office, I've met a couple women who started a family at 21. And only at a GS-5 salary. I wish them a lot of luck. In the DC area, a GS-12 salary is minimum, unless you want to suffer a long commute, or rely on trains and live where there is very little cultural activities nearby, or run yourself into debt if you have no savings to start out with. Either you borrow on time, or you borrow on money. I'd rather borrow on time any day, as there is much more of that around than money. So for those of you women scared of dating a man who has never married and is in their 30s, or even 40s, think about the non-selfish reason they might have done it, which is to ensure that the family does not go poor.

cartographer

Joined: 7/18/2006

Msg: 123 (view)

Can attractive people be trusted? Posted: 3/27/2007 4:57:20 PM
It isn't just attraction. I know I can be trusted because I live by the word of trust. Very few people have I found that I can trust. Some are attractive, others are so-so. I never think though of anyone as ugly. So my advice is, don't look for 100% attraction. Try to open the conversation with anyone who is in your field you might be interested in. What can be more attractive than someone who is trustworthy? It isn't physical attraction you should look for. It is mental attraction. If physical attraction comes with it, great! I've met an attractive woman who is trustworthy, but she is not relationship material because she has honestly told me she is taken. So on to the next one in my goal of finding a relationship.

cartographer

Joined: 7/18/2006

Msg: 26 (view)

Wedding Vows - Shouldn't we change the words? Posted: 3/27/2007 4:48:08 PM
Actually people do make those promises. Those who want long term relationships will make those promises and keep them. As an agnostic person, I don't take the view that the words should be changed. Rather, our understanding of the meaning of the words needs to be clearer. It is very clear to me, "and only in death do you depart" or whatever variance of that exists. The wedding vows do mean something, and those who divorce obviously don't take them seriously. Those who divorce or make steps towards divorce are really breaking their vows. Note there are some things that people make too big a deal of, such as looking at another individual who is attractive instinctively. It is one thing to look, it is another to take action. If they come back to you, don't make yourself think they aren't interested in you. Maybe you have a focus better than the best telescope, but a lot of people have a peripheral vision, but make an effort to stay focussed. On the other hand cheating is a clear sign that they aren't interested in keeping you. I would say those words and mean them 100%. And I would hope that if I ever do find someone, that they leave no room for doubt in my mind that they would too. Cause the moment they do, they will have a lot of explaining to do.

cartographer

Joined: 7/18/2006

Msg: 20 (view)

The One ....you might be suprised. Posted: 3/27/2007 4:30:30 PM
The one that is blinding is the fact that the one I'm looking for is none other than myself! Sounds silly doesn't it? Well I know a woman who felt like they were half themselves unless they were with a man. She ended up divorcing that man, and I don't think she's fully realized what she missed. He was perfect for her, and the two children she had with him, and after 20 years they still separate. She should have stuck with him. I hear advice daily saying "be yourself", "do what you enjoy best", and eventually you will meet someone. So the process of finding your mate, mate, is one of actually just finding yourself. Once you know yourself well enough, and are happy with yourself well enough then you won't feel awkward when you meet that someone special. If we can look ourselves in the mirror and feel like we are on top of the world every day, then we can be relaxed, and not feel like it is everyone out to get me. Be able to laugh at yourself. Be able to enjoy every moment, from those of frustration to those of joy, and take everything with a grain of salt. I'm tired of pretending being someone else. So be yourself. And be 100% yourself!

cartographer

Joined: 7/18/2006

Msg: 116 (view)

what do the guys honestly want... Posted: 3/26/2007 7:55:42 PM
I'm honestly hoping for a long term relationship. And I'm not here for just friends with benefits. I'd like to build af friendship, learn what it takes to keep a woman's friendship, and then if things work out, move it on to a long term relationship. It takes time to see if you are relationship material. But if that's what you want, make it clear that you want to try to ge together as often as possible. Cause that's what I'd like to if I were to find someone I really wanted to be friends with on the long term. I'll take friends first any day, and friends who could help direct me to my final goal even if you aren't the person who becomes that final goal.

cartographer

Joined: 7/18/2006

Msg: 25 (view)

listing what you want Posted: 3/26/2007 7:51:12 PM
Rather than listing what you want, show them instances of your desire to be open minded.

cartographer

Joined: 7/18/2006

Msg: 18 (view)

Why do we ask? Posted: 3/25/2007 5:22:12 PM
It is more a question of judging whether or not the lie was because you want to prevent me from losing my sense of innocence, or because you want not to hurt me, or because I want to find out if you are a habitual liar. The latter is one I want to avoid, because that leads to lack of communication, and only more problems in the long run. We can't judge ourselves without asking questions. If we fail to ask, we may come to some prejudiced conclusions. I say it is good to seek an explanation. Not giving one will only lead to doubts about your veracity.

cartographer

Joined: 7/18/2006

Msg: 230 (view)

controlling men!!! Posted: 3/25/2007 5:16:16 PM
Not all men are controlling. I make a sincere effort not to be. Yet that seems so out of character that most women ignore me. So some controlling is normal. How much is normal enough while not being too much still eludes me. Yes it requires an equal commitment. But if you are talking about an equal commitment, why won't you attempt to control me? I've yet to find a woman who will. Almost all I get are women who treat me like a hot potato and run. And the few who don't run are only interested in friendship and nothing more.

cartographer

Joined: 7/18/2006

Msg: 64 (view)

Confidence vs. Positive Thinking Posted: 3/25/2007 5:12:05 PM
I believe both are important. I have both, though it doesn't seem to be enough. An ability to strike a conversation out of the blue eludes some of us, and we need good questions to help us formulate our thoughts and get started. Questions which neither sound too probing, but are enough to get someone interested in our curiosity of them. If you have good suggestions about what to ask in a first contact situation that will start the ball rolling, please e-mail me? I have some ideas, and have tried some of them with very small successes, but it never seems to be with an individual ready to make more than a friendly contact. At least I've made a few friendly contacts and friends. That's positive. The next stage seems like it requires a ladder that I have yet to find to climb to!

cartographer

Joined: 7/18/2006

Msg: 34 (view)

Misrepresentation Posted: 3/23/2007 9:35:22 PM
The few people I've actually met from here represented themselves well. Perhaps a bit too well. A smile which in real life is hard to pull off. The vast majority online claim to be from one country and are from another. That's what really irks me. Maybe I need to do a tour de terra to find someone to be with for a life long friendship and relationship! Though I have to come prepared with funds to pay them on their way back. Almost did when I visited Peru. Only problem was I would have to learn Spanish really quickly, or her English really quickly.

cartographer

Joined: 7/18/2006

Msg: 16 (view)

overseas relationships Posted: 3/23/2007 9:18:12 PM
Be very, very careful. In the U.S. there are horror stories of both men and women coming over from Russia, marrying, getting their citizenship and leaving. Same with Nigeria. Remember, it says at the headlines on this website, "don't give anyone money!" I'm one who would never even try to meet someone from overseas, unless they just happened to be out on a peace corp mission/job coming back and are U.S. Citizens already. 90% of the people I get contacts from are overseas, and I just have to say sorry!

cartographer

Joined: 7/18/2006

Msg: 37 (view)

Falling in Love: Posted: 3/23/2007 9:12:09 PM
The true love begins when you can do or say anything bad, and they forgive you. The true love is when both you and they want the same thing out of life, and admit it. The true love is when they no longer talk to you about their past relationship(s), and start talking about what are we going to do together.

cartographer

Joined: 7/18/2006

Msg: 29 (view)

Would debt matter 2 u in starting a relationship? Posted: 3/23/2007 3:27:46 PM
Depends on whether or not they are taking steps to remedy the problem already that look like they will yield concrete results. If they are, I might be able consider it. $100,000 is a bit steep, and I couldn't erase all of it without dipping into a huge portion of my savings. If though their habits that led to debt don't look like they'll change anytime soon, I'm not going to lend money that will be sucked down the drain. I firmly believe in Shakespeare's famous quote: "Neither a borrower, nor lender be." Concrete steps would be like knowing they have gotten past the probation period on a $100,000 a year job they are obviously qualified for and gotten rid of all credit cards and have minimal amount of jewelry. And that job looks like it is with a stable company in a growing industry. And they'd have to have paid all their taxes to the present. That's a minimum. If they can't erase their debt with that, or with land they aren't willing to sell to move in with me, no, I don't think I could do it. I'd much rather find someone who at least knows how to manage their finances, and are in the process of erasing any debt they had, than someone who is on a downhill slope losing money.

cartographer

Joined: 7/18/2006

Msg: 28 (view)

Would debt matter 2 u in starting a relationship? Posted: 3/23/2007 3:27:31 PM
Oops double post!

cartographer

Joined: 7/18/2006

Msg: 165 (view)

Aren't there some people that nobody is attracted to? Posted: 3/23/2007 3:15:38 PM
Attraction does not appear to be the only part of the equation. I get plenty of voted 7+ on my photo, and yet no e-mails from women who are seriously looking who are local to my area. Money isn't either. Happiness isn't either. It seems part has to do with the amount of fear people have of jumping right into a relationship. Part of it is people who think that all friendships end up in relationships if you aren't careful (they don't). Part of it is not knowing what are the right questions to ask if you find someone you are attracted to, but tells you they prefer to spend time with someone else. Being sensitive to other's feelings, can be a tricky proposition. It seems there is not enough willingness to commit in a world of instant gratification. It seems there is the belief that every need must be met by a partner if it is to be a successful relationship. Those who aren't willing to see friends out enough to get the whole picture of who they are won't find themselves anywhere steady. Few people are willing to take someone who is good enough, but not perfect, and stick with them for the rest of their lives. If more were willing, we'd see less divorces. At least that's my belief. Attraction as much as it exists, only lasts till a certain age usually on the outside, unless one is willing to see age as a sign of wisdom and experience, and something attractive in of itself. I've been willing ever since I was a kid and had a crush on my 8th grade teacher who had wonderful black and white strands of hair. Alas that wasn't the proper time for our culture so I never really pursued it. Stop putting emphasis on attraction, and start putting emphasis on who people are on their inside.

cartographer

Joined: 7/18/2006

Msg: 33 (view)

Confidence vs. Positive Thinking Posted: 3/20/2007 8:32:51 PM
I think both are. But that's not enough. I have both, yet somehow for reasons that escape me I still manage to attract very few women. So I enjoy my life, and hope one day that I'll have the experience Darren Stevens had with Samantha in the first TV episode of Bewitched. Constantly bumping into her everywhere he went, and literally. It was that kind of experience that got me a great job, as I kept on bumping into the same manager at all the conferences in my field. Why not in love? I believe it can and will happen. The only question is when!

cartographer

Joined: 7/18/2006

Msg: 31 (view)

The New Jersey Phenomenon Posted: 3/20/2007 8:21:33 PM
Dandyman, The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. In the 4 years I've been looking, I could say the same thing about DC. Total incognitos manage to get themselves great dates and even marry while those of us who have established ourselves a nice life have a harder time finding a date than a job, or money to make ends meet. It is harsh. But the truth is stereotypes don't add up to finding a date. I've come to the realization it is just plain luck, and my card has yet to come up. I find the vast majority I even try either make no effort to explain to me why I should be interested in them when I ask them a bit about who they are, don't say much and it is just a vacuum when I try to wait for either an answer to their question, or wait for them to even ask me a question. And of those who do make an effort to communicate, they are already dating 3 or 4 other people. Finding someone as desiring of a monogamist relationship as myself, is like finding water in the Atacama Desert, where it hasn't rained in 65 million years! OK, maybe I exaggerate, but honestly, making myself out there, and listening, and asking questions I still don't know what line will get people going about themselves, and it seems different for each person. What phenomenon are we looking at? Independence. Try as might, I run into 95% of the women wearing iPod headphones on my way to my work and the coffee shop next door. They hide themselves behind their cubicle at lunch, and want to talk to no one! Then somehow they manage to chatter with my neighboring married man with children office mate, and never want to say much of anything to me except strictly about work. No, it is like somehow I've managed to erect an invisible force field causing women to avoid me. And the only ones who don't are already married or taken, and just want gossip talk. It is rough. So you aren't alone dandyman. At 35 I've given up all hope of finding anyone else, and enjoy my life that I have. If another woman comes my way and really does want to start something special, I'm all ears.

cartographer

Joined: 7/18/2006

Msg: 23 (view)

What's your take on women w/children who don't want them? Posted: 3/18/2007 2:48:20 PM
While I imagine what it might be like one day to have children, that's not the first thing that comes to mind in my trying to find a date. It might be she wants to have children, but give them up for adoption, as she may not feel comfortable helping raise them. I think it would take my getting to know the person before I passed judgement about what she meant in her profile about it. Just so long as she doesn't say "prefered not to say" if she has children already. It would be helpful if that was at least honest. I'd like to know what I'm getting into before being invited.

cartographer

Joined: 7/18/2006

Msg: 15 (view)

Best of both worlds! Posted: 3/18/2007 2:42:06 PM
Nothing sexual has ever happened between us, so it is best it remain that way. None of us is using the other. I was for awhile wondering if I was being used, but find we both now just appreciate each other for having our own time to do things that we like, and we don't make too hasty a judgement call about what the other person is doing. I haven't met her other friend, so I can't say what he thinks about it when we get together, but it is both our choices to choose to go out together when we do. Until I meet that friend, I'm not going to push that relationship forward into anything more. If he really says to me that I can have her, and she no longer fantasizes about him, and really wants me it will take a lot for me to be convinced. While I've wished occasionally for more from her, I've not believed for one iota that I could get more from her once she started mentioning her other friend. Was hard to find the right time and place to ask about him, and how to ask about him without hurting our friendship, but I finally did, and I'm glad I did. At least I know she is now being honest with me, which goes a long way to making the friendship feel better. It is the not knowing the full truth that hurts the most of all.

cartographer

Joined: 7/18/2006

Msg: 1 (view)

Best of both worlds! Posted: 3/17/2007 7:11:49 PM
A friend I've known for a year finally has come out and told me she has been seeing someone else. Yet here's the good thing that ended up happening. I asked, because I already sensed it was happening well before she told me. And the good news is, she didn't tell me she didn't want to see me anymore. Quite the opposite, we still see each other occasionally and are friendly anyway! The point is how you approach a situation that seems untenable can make the difference between losing a friend, and keeping someone who is just a friend. We've been just friends all along. Occasionally it seemed like it might become more, but it never really did materialize. So I'm free to do as I please, while knowing there is someone else out there who at least will listen to me, even if they never want to be my woman. The best of both worlds can be had, if you approach it right.

cartographer

Joined: 7/18/2006

Msg: 116 (view)

Why are so many of us single? Posted: 3/17/2007 12:18:35 PM
Distrust is rampant. You never know when the person may not be there to be with you. We are all in need of friends in an impersonal world filled with computers and customer service lines that have people who don't listen to you. Cheating is so prevalent, it is hard to know right off if the person has just friends, or is actually partnering up with someone else. Therefore communication is essential. There are those among us who only believe in monogamist relationships. There are those among us who can't read the nonverbal signs of disinterest and have to hear it verbally. There are those among us who want to know if we bring flowers how interested you are in us. If there is no interest, say right off the bat you wish to remain just friends. If there is some common interest, recognize that may be enough to keep you together for life with the other party. Too many look for a Mr. and Mrs. Right, and don't settle for less. This is a big mistake, and I think why we see many divorces. Too often there is the quick fix, the grass is greener on the other side. No, we should be happy with who we are, and accept whatever someone else who has a common interest can bring to the table to be with you. But remember if you fail to communicate your desires at any time, or start shying off the path without telling those people who want you, you are going to be in for an argument. Improve our trust, by letting us join in and being part of your extended family. At least then we can gage if your person you are friends with might also be interested in you, or you are just friends with them. I've known friends who get me interested in them, but never show me their friends. That always left me room for doubt. Don't leave room for doubt, so jealousy never had a chance to build. If you start hugging us, back scratching us, don't expect us to believe you don't want to be serious, unless you give us reason not to believe in your seriousness. Remind us that you are just going to stay friends and nothing more. Anytime there is a communication breakdown, that's what fails a relationship. So be sure to communicate every step of the way if you want a relationship to succeed.

cartographer

Joined: 7/18/2006

Msg: 182 (view)

What intimidates you men about us femals? Posted: 3/17/2007 11:09:21 AM
What intimidates me is if a woman has a ring on her wedding finger. What intimidates me is people who don't bother responding. Why should I make the effort if 99% of the people don't respond, and many of them claim to be open minded when they aren't even willing to give us men a chance. Now this means I have to keep track of every person I contact so I don't bother them twice. Maybe you can keep track of 100 people, but me, I don't know one from another unless I meet them. What intimidates me is the power of a woman to say "he's harassed me" even when I want nothing more than friendship at first. If something builds from that friendship, only then would I make more moves, but not until then, and only if she shows a genuine interest in me that is verbal and communicates it is thus. I'll wait until a woman has the courage to contact me first. It may not happen as often, but it lets me off the hook of being called a person who is harassing. I don't ever intend to harass, but one time I went out on a nice organized hike, and my mere suggestion of trying to get together some time after the hike caused one woman to complain to the organized hike leader that I shouldn't have. So let me say thus, if you really want a man in your life, approach those men too shy to approach you. They are the ones who actually respect you.

cartographer

Joined: 7/18/2006

Msg: 21 (view)

Can attractive people be trusted? Posted: 3/16/2007 10:27:08 PM
If you doubt everyone's sincerity, everyone will doubt you too. If you believe there is someone out there who can be trusted, they will find you eventually, or you will find them. What do we want? We all want someone to lean against when we are troubled, and someone to share our joys with. Isn't that what you want? Don't let the fact they are attractive make you think they'll be bad. Just because you met one bad attractive guy doesn't mean all attractive guys are bad. There are a few of us good people left at least. Don't believe the news saying we are all bad. They are just paid consultants for divorce attorneys. If you want something successful, believe it can happen, and don't let others make you think it can't.

cartographer

Joined: 7/18/2006

Msg: 108 (view)

Suppose you were stuck single forever... Posted: 3/16/2007 10:07:46 PM
I believe that I have the courage to approach marriage one day, and succeed at it. I'm not perfect, but I'm happy with that. I live with the errors I make, the judgement calls that didn't work out, and move on. It isn't a question of being "stuck" one way or another. If I was "stuck" married I'd finally be put in the fire and be given the chance to learn what it takes to be social on a daily basis. Being single I get to choose when I want to not be out there social without the distractions, but do I get the choice of when to be social? Not very well. I can make some educated guesses as to what it means to be social. But not having to face it every day of my life in a way that it is right in my face, I miss the genuine interaction I can have with someone not on my job. A friend or two help along in some ways. But not enough obviously, as I constantly run into myself being considered rude when I don't mean to. I have no clue what makes social interaction work steadily. When it happens it is like hitting the lottery. All other times I'm in my hermitic self. I would hope that by finding some friends who can give me a little guidance, I can find the social world not so abhorrant, and feel like I fit in again. The joy of having a successful social situation is so enlightening, I realize that I can fit in, and gives me confidence that I don't have to be selfish or too self-absorbed. Those events though happen so rarely, I don't know what makes that success happen. No, I'm not going to let myself be stuck single forever. If I have the potential to succeed in being a social being like I hear our whole race of human beings is, I should approach it and embrace it with both hands. I should not be afraid of my desires to love and one day be loved. Those who feel like being "stuck" married is a curse should look at the people who never had a real social life to begin with, and consider themselves lucky to have found themselves something steady. Don't let yourself lose yourself because you feel unhappy about the other person you are with. And if the other person begins to show desires to cheat tell them they will never find anyone quite your equal. Divorce is a cop-out. If I ever got myself into a marriage, I would not think myself as stuck there. I'd say this is the greatest opportunity of my life to actually feel comfortable around others that I've ever had. And I'd look at it as a way to learn how to interact with others. Suppose I were stuck single forever? I'd live with it, enjoy being myself, but it would also make me think less of the human race, that there is not one person out there who is willing to give me a try. It shows that people have lost their open mindedness and their ability to approach others. It shows that no matter how much you build a foundation for yourself, you can't find yourself in a true social sphere unless someone invites you in. Try and interrupt other social spheres, you are shunned. It is like no one group wants you because you haven't gotten socially acquianted with what are the proper customs. Well of course not. How am I supposed to get acquainted with them unless I get into the sphere in the first place. So invite me, teach me what it takes. You'll find I'm an able and willing learner, and will give as much as I get.

cartographer

Joined: 7/18/2006

Msg: 103 (view)

Suppose you were stuck single forever... Posted: 3/16/2007 3:40:25 PM
Single life would be great. It's the opportunity to sleep with many women as possible without being blamed for an affair. And if they get out of hand, you just kick their butt to the curb without any legalities and only enough cab fare to get home. The opportunity to do what you want, when you want, and how to spend your money without some bi*ching wife whining because you went out drinking and didn't get her share of the paycheck to go shopping for clothes that she doesn't need. Single life is also described as something else: sweet freedom. Wish it was that easy. With sexually transmitted diseases you can't just trust anyone, you need to build some form of relationship to trust them enough that you know it is not going to be a risk. Friendships have come and gone, and some while they have stayed are with people who I don't know how many partners they have, but none of them are me, and I know it is more than one. Until I know someone whose partner count presently is zilch outside of myself, and they desire no one but myself to be on that list, no way am I going to sleep in bed with them. For that, it would need to be at least something other than just single. They might have had other parters in the past, and as long as they are tested and plan to only have me as a partner in the future, that's OK. But I'm not going to bed with anyone who has presently more than me as a partner, nor someone unwilling to be tested.

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