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 Author Thread: How to cure my bad boy addiction?
 ForumOyster
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 72 (view)
 
How to cure my bad boy addiction?
Posted: 9/20/2010 8:02:20 AM
OP, you're 21. You JUST got out of 4-year relationship a few months ago. How many men do you have to have already dated to conclude that you have a "bad boy" addiction? If you're talking about men you dated before the 4-year relationship, aka when you were 17, well, for most teenagers "dating" or "relationships" are (in my opinion) just things they are learning like Algebra. If those were significantly older men who dated you, a 17-year-old, and disappeared on you, well yea, we already know those are most likely a-holes. Next.

Let's just go with your premise and say you do have a bad boy addiction. The best way I could think of to get out of it is to keep dating. You'll learn from experience and eventually sort through what in a man is most valuable to you. Hell, the posters on this forum are in their 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s and above and we are all still here, asking questions and discussing and trying to figure things out. There is no-one-size-fits-all answers to relationships problems, and you shouldn't expect to have everything figured out at 21.
 ForumOyster
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 101 (view)
 
Vegetarians - how do you feel about your SO cooking meat?
Posted: 9/10/2010 1:09:58 PM

A meal is not a meal for the majority of people in the world unless there's meat included...


Actually, for a lot of people in the world, edible food is barely an option, not to mention meat. Just sayin'.
 ForumOyster
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 85 (view)
 
Vegetarians - how do you feel about your SO cooking meat?
Posted: 9/7/2010 8:22:40 PM

So if all you vegans and vegetarians don't like the taste of meat or the thought of meat, why do you want all your tofu, tempeh and other meat-substitutes to look and taste like the real stuff?!


IMO the sensitivity to the taste/smell is sometimes developed as a result of not eating meat for a long time (I say sometimes because I know it's true in my case, but not sure about others.)

It's probably not always the case that vegetarians necessarily dislike meat. For instance, I know that some branches of Buddhism discourage meat-eating. (Don't quote me on this because I'm not the expert and can't provide exact details.) Some people choose to follow it and some people don't. Some non-vegetarians would also choose to refrain from eating meat on certain special days for spiritual reasons. In these cases, the meat-tasting vegetarian dishes come in handy because the vegetarians (or occasional vegetarians) do not dislike meat but rather choose to not eat it for other reasons.

Of course I've only seen these scenarios happen in other country. May not be so relevant in the U.S.
 ForumOyster
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 69 (view)
 
Vegetarians - how do you feel about your SO cooking meat?
Posted: 9/6/2010 5:44:20 PM
Revisiting the thread here...

It seems that OP started the thread on the premise she feels strongly about not having meat in the house, and she wants to know what other vegetarians do in the situation without having her premise challenged. Well, premises are bound to be challenged, as is the case for pretty much any other thread on POF...

Now back to answering your original question, OP.

When I was living in a teeny tiny apartment with my two other roommates who were gourmet cooks and couldn't swallow a meal without meat, we had very little ventilation. We would take turns cooking and shared all the cookware, dishes, and utensils. At first it was tough because I had the heightened sensitivity to the smell of meat like many vegetarians and they had to improvise with canned luncheon meat on the days I cooked. After a while though, I got used to the smell. They would make vegetable dishes and meat dishes. Sometimes they had to mix veggie and meat in one plate and I had no trouble just picking out the vegetable to eat. They would make extra meat for themselves before it was again my turn to cook, and I had no problem cooking meat for them when needed. It worked out conveniently for all of us. They actually learned to make fantastic vegetarian dishes and ate more vegetables, while I stopped feeling nauseous every time I walked close to the frozen meat section in the supermarket.

I guess each person's tolerance for smell differs. I adjusted to the smell fairly quickly. I also had literally no problem switching back to meat-eating after years of vegetarianism, but that's another story...
 ForumOyster
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 47 (view)
 
Vegetarians - how do you feel about your SO cooking meat?
Posted: 9/5/2010 11:01:02 PM

they've been thrilled enough that I love to cook all the meals and snacks(do all my own baking as well) we could ever eat that they don't seem to notice the lack of meat. It's not in any way a problem or issue in my relationships


Well then you've been blessed with incredibly good fortune in finding your match in this respect, I think. I find it difficult (at least in the beginning) for a vegetarian to not notice the presence of meat and a meat-eater to not notice the lack of meat. Then again, I've dated mostly guys who cook out of necessity and/or willingly. When you're the cook you tend to be more aware of what goes into the pot. I know very little about how this works for guys who don't cook.



I was more looking to get other opinions and find out how many other vegetarians feel similarly.


Well, you put your question out there and what you hear may not always be what you'd like to hear. It's okay to differ, right?



The smell thing. Affordable Vancouver apartments tend to be around 400-600 sqf, if meat is cooking you'll smell it.


I've lived in smaller apartments as a vegetarian and as a meat-eater, all the while cooking my own food. I know how the smell goes. There ARE ways to minimize the smell though. For instance, when I boiled the meat, it smelled far less than deep-frying. Of course this is a moot point since you're the cook and you don't cook meat anyways.
 ForumOyster
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 45 (view)
 
Vegetarians - how do you feel about your SO cooking meat?
Posted: 9/5/2010 9:53:10 PM
Zikoris

Up to the point where you said this:


If a guy had some sort of small bag of dried meat that didn't look or smell like meat, kept it in a corner, and didn't use any dishes or utensils to eat it - I'd probably be ok with that as well...

I can't stand the smell of meat cooking, don't want it on my utensils or cookware, and don't want to see it in the fridge next to my veggies. If a guy can find a way to work around that in a way that doesn't make me feel nauseous - it might be ok, I don't know because so far it hasn't happened, and I can't imagine any way it might happen. My hypothetical odorless-dry-meat-in-a-bag-in-a-corner-far-away-from-non-meat-food-and-eaten-without-utensils-or-dishes situation would very likely work, but is probably impossible.


I had been quite sympathetic of your perspective really. I was a vegetarian at one point, so I understand that a vegetarian can become very sensitive to the smell after a while. Now that I eat meat again, that smell is more appealing than nauseating. I can see that for someone who's never been a vegetarian, it's hard to imagine why meat smells so bad. So I can see both sides' perspectives.

But the idea that, as a meat-eater living with a vegetarian partner, my choice of meat is limited to a "small bag" of "dried meat" "kept in a corner" and I'm not even allowed to use any utensil or plates in the house, makes me feel that me and my partner aren't equal in this relationship and that I'm not respected as much as I respect my partner. Imagine a hypothetical situation if you're living with a partner who is sensitive to the smell of vegetable and your options is restricted to dried cabbage in a small bag kept in a corner, because dried cabbage is the only vegetable that doesn't smell bad to him and therefore barely tolerable...How would that make you feel? Or metaphorically, the only movies your partner likes to watch is zombie movies and you two don't watch any other kinds of movie together, ever, and you have to use a headphone and watch the other movies on that black-and-white TV in the corner rather than on the 50" flat screen... How does that make you feel?

My point is...you've said yourself that you haven't gotten to a point where you're living with someone (or so I understand), but perhaps eventually you will. At that point then, it's not just your house, your utensil, your fridge, and, to a certain degree, your life. It's a life that both you and your partner build and it should be built on choices that you and your partner make together. Sure your partner will be likely to respect your choice and be vegetarian at home (I've seen it happen and it works great), but I find your scenario hard to like.

If it comes down to it, why not just get a separate fridge (you can get two small ones instead of one big one) and separate sets of cookware, utensil and plates? Wouldn't that seem much fairer to your partner's lifestyle choice? If you don't want to smell the meat, don't ever open his fridge. Simple as that.
 ForumOyster
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 75 (view)
 
Why Must People Lie?
Posted: 8/26/2010 7:56:36 AM
Meh, Wolf. I stopped responding to posts because of two reasons: 1) since this guy and I are no longer dating, whatever happened is basically a moot point; 2)I was moving on.

I can't come back and argue over and over about something that ceased to matter to me. It slows me down in the process of moving on by occupying my mind and having me relieve every little details of this guy and I together. Guys, I really am moving on, so I'll stop arguing.
 ForumOyster
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 67 (view)
 
Why Must People Lie?
Posted: 8/24/2010 7:42:39 PM
You may want to take a harder look at communications between yourself and this guy (or any future guys) and verify that you're communicating clearly and that you're interpreting their words accurately.


Thank you, Alooo, for the suggestion. I will work on articulating better.

In response to your earlier post:
We often asked each other how work was going over texts, or once in a blue moon, brief phone calls during breaks when we knew one of us was at work. When I asked this exact same question of "how is work" before, he always answered with some description of what he had done that night, was doing, or was about to do. Depending on time, mood and mode of communication, sometimes these descriptions were lengthy and detailed; sometimes they were short and summarized. There had been times when he just said "it's okay." There had also been times when he told me he took a day off to do XYZ either on the day of when he was supposed to work or the day after. This is where my interpretation of his was lying came from. I had a presumed understanding that, when asked "how's work", it means "how is work right now", as was always the conversation pattern between us.

I didn't expect this to turn into a discussion about grammar and tense, but I've learned something from it and it has been a good learning experience. You pointed out that I may miscommunicate with others in the way I articulate thoughts, and it got me seriously thinking about my underlying assumptions for why I thought he lied. (I had a vague idea before but didn't give it much thought). So, really, I'm very appreciative of your suggestion. I will work on articulating better and laying out my assumptions in the future. Beyond this thread of discussion (in whichever direction it may go) however, whether he lied or I overreacted really is just a moot point because he is no longer in my life.
 ForumOyster
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 63 (view)
 
Why Must People Lie?
Posted: 8/24/2010 4:28:06 PM

really don't care why he said "work is okay" when I asked "how is work" anymore. He lied.

Are you serious? If you ask "how is work" and someone says "work is okay", how are they LYING because they're not at work? LOL. You WANT him to lie. I get asked all the time when I go out and run into friends I haven't seen in a while "How is work?" -- am I lying when I say "Work is okay"?


You're entitled to your opinion, but please don't quote me out of context. I believe what I said was "Look, at this point, I really don't care why he said 'work is okay' when I asked 'how is work' anymore. He lied. I overreact. It's all a moot point."

Do you not understand the sentence "he lied" in the context of "He lied. I overreact. It's all a moot point", meaning that whichever scenario was the actual case doesn't matter anymore? You told me that I was splitting hair with an ambiguous question. Why would you split hair with context now? It's called garbling, Confident-Realist.
 ForumOyster
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 56 (view)
 
Why Must People Lie?
Posted: 8/24/2010 9:48:48 AM
Haha, bw123, no. Of course not! :)
 ForumOyster
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 46 (view)
 
Why Must People Lie?
Posted: 8/24/2010 8:53:14 AM
For everyone who is still reading this, there is another thing I must get off my chest.

Look, at this point, I really don't care why he said "work is okay" when I asked "how is work" anymore. He lied. I overreact. It's all a moot point. The point is, we're not together anymore, and for a good reason too.

I thought and still think that he's a great friend (to his friends), a great son, great brother, a great co-worker. One day, when he finds his lobster, I think he will be a great boyfriend, a great husband, and perhaps even eventually a great dad. But he and I are not for each other.

On the other hand, he is also just a human being. He has all the weaknesses and flaws a human being can have. He saw that I wasn't his lobster, so at some point while we were dating, I became someone who will sooner or later be out of his life. Being kind, respectful and courteous thus unconsciously became optional, so he did what he did.

If you read this far and think that I have low self esteem, let me stop you right there because it's not true. I'm simply trying to be neutral. He fvcked up and did something that was hurtful to me. This doesn't necessarily make him a bad person overall. It just means that he screwed up a soon-to-be stranger. We've all done things that are hurtful at one point or another, especially if you know that person is or will be a stranger and will soon bear no consequence in your life. If you disagree with me on this, just simply check how many spiteful/mean comments people leave on PlentyofFish forum.

Guys, I'm moving on. He did what he did and it is what it is. I'm in fact very glad that we had a low-drama, peaceful breakup that was carried on in a completely adult-like manner. I lost a lover, but didn't create an enemy. Maybe one day I saw him on the street, I'll smile, nod and say hi.
 ForumOyster
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 45 (view)
 
Why Must People Lie?
Posted: 8/24/2010 8:26:33 AM
Anonymouslyme, thank you for seeing my perspective. :)

ProcolHarem, I disagree but respect your opinion. It's reasonable to have doubts about a story when you've only seen one side of it, as is almost always the case on the Internet. Let me put it this way. He denied it when I saw it with my own eyes. Could I have interpreted it wrong? Sure, anything is possible. But what I saw is beyond reasonable doubt. The way he denied it is completely out of characteristic and, frankly, below his level. I called him out, and he had nothing better to say. You don't have to believe me. Then again, you didn't date him.

"He said he didn't get your texts....means it's over???"
***
You jumped to conclusion too hastily. Do I care about why he didn't reply to my attempt to communicate? I'll be very honest and admit that I cared, prior to our final conversation, because I needed to talk to him ASAP but he was at work, and I'd rather not interrupt and have him call me while he's on break. However, it's really not the focal point of my feelings anymore. The point is he made a commitment to be exclusive, but decided it's okay to move on without breaking up with me first. Instead, he chose to distance himself, not communicate, and let me figure out what he wants. How hard is it to just pick up the phone and say, "Hey, ___ (insert name). This is not working for me. We've had a good run, but maybe we should start seeing other people", before you actually see other people?
 ForumOyster
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 260 (view)
 
do u ever miss being in love?
Posted: 8/23/2010 6:31:24 PM
Always.

Two individual deeply intertwined in each other's lives, stick with each through thick and thin, through rain and shine, in sickness and in health, in poverty and in wealth. The love that till death parts the individuals still remains. The love that is not only passion but companionship. The love that makes you understand, accept, protect, forgive, bless and be blessed. The love that is strong and real, that makes you relax but not slack. The love that makes you a better and bigger person. The love that makes you truly happy beyond doubt even in the hardest moment.

The love in which you look back and that person is always there and always got your back. The love in which you don't have to look back and you just know he's there.

I have it, yet I've never had it, strangely. I've been blessed with such love by family and friends, but I'm looking for that special person. I'm still looking. I'm optimistic.
 ForumOyster
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 33 (view)
 
It's Over
Posted: 8/23/2010 11:40:21 AM
It's over.

I just talked to him. He claimed that he received neither of my texts "to talk" yesterday. He also denied having been looking/seeing/whatever.

So much for a--I once thought--a "stand-up guy".

Moving on.
 ForumOyster
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 93 (view)
 
Gentlemen, how long would you date a woman IF she wouldn't let you kiss her?
Posted: 8/23/2010 10:07:11 AM
In a perfect world, kissing and displaying physical affection shouldn't be governed by rules. It's a natural, spontaneous process. Unfortunately, dating and displaying affection, like pretty much any other things that we human beings do, are governed by implicit socio-cultural norms (a.k.a. rules). You may disagree with me, but I think that believing a kiss should happen by the 3rd date to indicate romantic interest is just another social norm that we hold. In many cultures, such display of affection is frowned upon until much later into a relationship no matter how much people are in love with each other.

If one person wants to kiss and the other person doesn't, it might indicate different levels of interest or it might indicate different underlying assumptions. That should always be discussed by the people involved. However, I'm also with the opinion that it really doesn't matter on which date you kiss. I've drunk kissed a stranger and I've waited till the 5th date. The drunk kiss turned into a loving relationship of 2 years, while the 5th-date-kiss "thing" was barely a relationship and it ended very badly.

With everything said, how can someone introduce a strange man into your two children's lives and get married "real soon" if you can't even feel safe enough to kiss him? If you can't trust someone enough to kiss him, would you trust him enough to let him be a part of your family?
 ForumOyster
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 31 (view)
 
Why Must People Lie?
Posted: 8/22/2010 4:25:41 PM
Cootie queen: in my case, exclusivity was not established through one-sided impression. It was a discussed, agreed upon, FACT.

I just found out he was seeing someone else. I haven't quite decided how to go about ending it yet. That's why I do not want to contact him just yet. I also have a general rule of thumb of not calling people at work (which he is tonight) for personal reasons other than absolute emergency. I don't think breaking-up qualifies for "absolute emergency", and beyond the fact that he hasn't handled this like an adult, *I* can be an adult and handle it like an adult. My question was, IF he calls me (which he did on break before), should I bust him and end it right then and there?

Is it too much to ask, a little time for a girl who was cheated on to think over things and decide what to do? Or, are you suggesting the infamous "Disappearing Act"? I'm not the one at wrong here. If I'm cutting him out of my life, I will do it loud and clear.

And the other comment about me being a troll just baffles me. I don't get it.

Edit: Cootie queen: since you decided to be less spiteful and changed your post. I'll change my response to you. Exclusivity between me and this man was agreed upon. I will end it loud and clear. I do not disappear on people. He will hear it and he will hear it from me, because even though what he did was beyond hurtful, I NEVER disappear on people.

 ForumOyster
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 26 (view)
 
Why Must People Lie?
Posted: 8/22/2010 3:50:54 PM
New Discovery.

He's seeing someone else and moving on.

No, this is not some idea that just popped in my head. I did not deduce it out of paranoia or make it up in my little imaginary world. Please don't ask me for details though. I just found out and I still need some time to swallow it alone.

It's all explained. The suddenly not replying to texts, the lying about some insignificant details and then posting it all over FaceBook. He's simply not that into me. He simply doesn't care anymore.

Funny how two people both agreed on exclusivity and then one of them decides that it's okay to move on without informing the other.

I'd like to take an opinion poll (moderators, please don't delete me). He's working tonight. If he calls, should I bust him, or should I wait until tomorrow? I don't want to interfere with his work, but deep inside, the evil me is really yearning some confrontation.

Or should I do this in person?
 ForumOyster
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 24 (view)
 
Why Must People Lie?
Posted: 8/22/2010 1:58:41 PM
I just want to say to everyone who has responded, THANK YOU.

I really do appreciate all the thoughts and feedbacks. Some of you pointed out different angles to interpret my question and how it can lead to answers that can be falsely perceived as lying. I realize I could have been a little hot headed and went off on my reactions right off the bat this morning in my original post, and I needed people to point that out for me.

I'm still inclined to think that he did not misunderstand my question, based on our previous pattern of communication and how he used to answer my "how's work" question with some descriptions of what was going on at work. I appreciate the fact that some of you agreed with me. It helps to know that I'm not a totally crazy b*tch. :)

Forumfishie, I'm sorry you've had a bad experience. However, I'm not that guy you dated, and I did not intentionally set up a trap for him to step in. There was no "test" for my date to pass, so to speak. Deciding to text is more of a mutual decision because we have different schedules, and one cannot stay on the phone all the time. But I'll be honest with you and admit that texting conveniently worked out for me because I'm not a phone person. If I were a control freak, there would be no posting on Plentyoffish. There would've been a lot of bloody screaming on the phone. :)

Yes, it's possible that he could have took my question in another direction. Yes, he might have flat out lied. Yes, he might have just said what he said out of a moment of pure genius. (Most of us have at one point or another said things that we don't mean or things that are just completely stupid, in which case I wouldn't look too much into it). I WILL straighten this out with him once I'm ready and figure how to go about it. After all, communication is key, isn't it?

Thanks POF forum, you guys have really helped me clear up my head. It's nice to have a such high quality forum to go to for opinions.
 ForumOyster
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 6 (view)
 
Why Must People Lie?
Posted: 8/22/2010 9:40:40 AM
And You both are right. I shouldn't have mentioned his switching mode of communication. It has no relevance whatsoever. I typed this first thing in the morning without spell check and I wasn't thinking clearly.

My bad.

Edit: splitions, please check my post immediately before yours. I did ask him in present tense. I wasn't being clear in the original post and it was too late to correct it by the time this was pointed out to me. Thanks.
 ForumOyster
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 4 (view)
 
Why Must People Lie?
Posted: 8/22/2010 9:37:48 AM
Ah, sorry to confuse you there. I had yet to have my morning cup of coffee while posting this so I wasn't being very clear.

He and I both have rotating schedule, so it's not uncommon that either of us have to work weekends or nights. Last night was supposed to be one of his 'work days". At the time he called me, I did not realize that he wasn't at work and I thought he was calling me during break. So I asked him, "How's work?", to which he replied, "It's okay." Note that it was present tense. I assumed he was at work and he didn't deny and said "it's okay".

Fastforward to this morning. I woke up, turned on my computer, and went online to check FaceBook. And there they were, his updates about this show he was at while calling me.

No, it's not about he went to a show. No, it's not about he went to a show and didn't tell me. I'm simply saying, if you're not at work, you can simply say, "I'm not at work. Took a day off to do such and such", instead of saying "it's okay".
 ForumOyster
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 1 (view)
 
Why Must People Lie?
Posted: 8/22/2010 7:53:52 AM
This guy I've been seeing, I thought I finally found someone who is a good, direct communicator, who doesn't play games and does no drama, who is straightforward and to the point. Someone who doesn't lie.

These past two days, he replied to none of my texts, which is odd since we've been texting a lot back and forth every day. I personally don't like long, chit-chatty phone calls and only call people when necessary (and he knows about this). Due to both of our job constraints, text is the best viable option. But he stopped it altogether and started calling.

Okay, no problem. I can do phone calls, just keep it short and sweet, so our communication has been reduced to essentially a minute or two every day.

Last night, he called, and I asked how was work. He hesitated and then vaguely mumbled "it's okay" so fast and so low that I almost missed it. Okay, so work trouble and he doesn't want to talk about it on the phone. No problem.

Then I woke up this morning and saw his, wait for it, FACEBOOK status updates about waiting in line to see a show (right about the time he called) and another update about how great the show was.

I know I'll get flamed for posting this. I'm overreacting, blah blah. The point is not that he went to see a show. But if one is not at work, why not just say so? Why does one call and lie? Why lie and then post it on FaceBook for the whole world to see, knowing that *I* may also see it? I don't like the white lies, for whatever reason. I'd rather have the truth (even the ugly one) bluntly rubbed in my face and keep it real. If one can't handle telling the truth, don't call.

Seriously, what's up with all the lies these days?

(*Disclaimer* This is not a self-pity post. If you think I'm overreacting, you can say so.)

Edit: we both have shift schedules so we were both supposed to work last night, that's where the "how's work" question came from.
 ForumOyster
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 12 (view)
 
How to not be such a friend
Posted: 8/19/2010 10:53:21 PM
Well, I respect your opinion entirely. :)

Edit: OP, in my opinion, being a friend is not such a bad thing after all. If you meet someone new and are only interested in her romantically, make that intention known. You can tell someone that you can't be friends if the romance doesn't work, that it just doesn't work for you that way. This is really about as much as you can do. Whether the woman likes you as a date or as friend, is entirely her decision to make.
 ForumOyster
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 10 (view)
 
How to not be such a friend
Posted: 8/19/2010 10:41:19 PM
Helen, it sounds to me that OP and this girl made plans for a dinner date, but before it happened, OP found out that she established bf/gf relationship with another guy. OP was caught off-guard, felt dumbfounded and cheated because he was under the impression that they were to date.

There isn't enough information, so this is strictly an interpretation. I can see why OP can come off as a jerk to you. It's possible that OP overreacted, or it could be that his reaction was justified, depending on what they agreed upon, what actually happened (and how it happened), and the dynamic between them. Without more information, we simply don't know. Don't you think?
 ForumOyster
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 58 (view)
 
He flaked on our date...forgivable or not
Posted: 8/19/2010 7:50:47 PM
In general, here's how I'd handle the situation.

When someone is 15-30 minutes late for a date with me, I'd call and see what's up. Maybe he's tied up in something and doesn't get a chance to call; maybe he's come up with a better plan and doesn't bother to call. I'd want to know, out of concern for the well being of another human being (to make sure he's okay). If it turns out he blatantly flaked on our date with no legitimate reason, I'd always find something better to do than wasting an entire evening wondering why a jerk hasn't shown.

If I cancel plans on someone, I'd always call to apologize and would never, no matter how embarrassing, use text messages. If this guy didn't show up and text me the next morning to apologize, I'd call him back. It's not about who picks up the phone to make that first call. Communication is communication is communication. I prefer doing it directly. I would openly but nicely, in a non-accusatory tone, tell him that what he did hurt my feelings and I think I deserve a reason for his no-show. I would also, in the same manner, tell him that I would've preferred if he called directly to apologize.

Now whether you buy that reason, or whether you'd forgive him, is entirely up to you. For a first time, my rule of thumb is to give that person the benefit of the doubt (especially when you two haven't made detailed plans about when or where--I'd take the initiative to plan out the details with him in the first place though, by the way). Okay, so he didn't explain why and just apologized. YOU were stood up. YOU have the right to say, "hey, this is not cool with me. If the reason is too private and too personal, at least give me a general idea. I deserve to know." If he likes you, cares about you and respects you, he'd respect your request because it's a perfectly reasonable one.

The other thing is, YOU have the power to change the dynamic. YOU can pick up the phone (or text, however you prefer it) and say, "so it turns out I'm free on such and such day, would you like to go to dinner?" If he likes you and cares about you, he'd take up on that offer or arrange for another day. Again, communication is communication. Don't worry too much about who initiates it! Guess what? If it works out, 50 years from now no one is going to care. If it doesn't work out, I doubt you'd still remember him in 5 years.

If he doesn't like you and won't go out with you again... well, you have just spent 5 minutes to save yourself from potential heartbreaks in the future.
 ForumOyster
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 104 (view)
 
You're 'not ready for a relationship'? What does that mean?
Posted: 8/18/2010 7:47:27 PM
For me, it means I'm not ready for a relationship with him. Specifically, it means, I'm still getting to know him and figuring out whether he would be someone I'd want to spend the rest of my life with. While I realize that relationships don't work out (which is okay), I wouldn't commit myself in a serious relationship with someone unless I see potential/possibility for life companionship.
 ForumOyster
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 26 (view)
 
Done for good or not?
Posted: 8/18/2010 11:01:50 AM
Sweetie, I don't want to sound harsh, so please try to keep in mind that I'm just trying to show you some tough love...

STAY THE FVUK AWAY FROM THIS GUY. For your sake.

A healthy relationship, no matter how many obstacles are present, is one in which the two people compliment each other, in which they grow and become a better person, in which they move forward in life.

Read the story you told us again. Does this sound like a healthy relationship to you? Remember, it's not enough that you want to change. He also has to want it. So right now, I suggest you take your mom's advice. Take a good, hard look at yourself. Get your life together.

And seriously, stay away from him for good.
 ForumOyster
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 18 (view)
 
Dating Someone Older and Feeling Pressured by Assumptions
Posted: 8/16/2010 4:58:12 PM
Thanks everyone, for your inputs!

So I'll try to do it very straightforwardly at the next available opportunity.

I should clarify that he didn't make me go dutch. We paid 50/50 over all on our dates. I'd take him out to dinner if he comes to my area to see me, and he'd cover movies. Or I'd pay for lunch and he'll get dinner, etc. We hung out on my birthday and he refused to let me pitch in a dime. I paid when I offered to and he never asked me. And I only agreed to do and offered to pay for the things that I could afford. Sometimes some of the things he wanted to do are coming up close to the limit I could afford, but it was something he'd been really wanting to do so I wanted to see him happy and did it anyways. It was over time that little things add up, like he could easily afford lobster, and I could too, once in a while, but it's in the upper range of what I can afford and I'm more comfortable with steak. (Ah, there, I'm using metaphors again). The assumptions he had only gradually became apparent to me over time, and I didn't see the mismatch of assumption and reality until recently. I feel the need to communicate, but don't know how, so I came here. You guys do have great advice on how to go about it.

It's true that it's not only an age issue, but also social class, financial security, etc. And I agree. Some of you suggested that he could pay more or we'll do things in my price range. I'll look into those options too, although at the moment I'm not sure how to go about it. (Yes, I came to decisions at my own time, sometimes at a annoyingly slow pace :P) You know, we're still getting to know each other and figuring each other out. I'm also pretty new at serious dating as my last "serious relationship" was, well, shall we say not all that adult-like, and over all not many guys have gotten this far in my dating book yet.

As for the independence thing, I don't really read profiles all that much, so I have no input. But I do think independence is an statement of actions, not words.
 ForumOyster
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 6 (view)
 
Dating Someone Older and Feeling Pressured by Assumptions
Posted: 8/16/2010 8:58:22 AM
None taken, SpecificTruths. The issue is there and it's real. Otherwise I wouldn't have posted this thread in the first place.

Anonymouslyme and BentonHarbor, Thanks for your feedbacks. I appreciate the thoughts and I value your opinions very much.

For everyone who reads this thread, I'd like to clarify that I didn't mean to paint him in the negative light. I thought he was very set in his own way--after all, he's been out of college for 10 years and on his current track for 5, 6 years already. Given that amount of time it's possible for anyone to forget that someone is a decade behind you in terms of lifestyle. We came from very different walks of life, so he doesn't always understand right off the bat. The assumptions are innocent and unintended, it seems, but makes me feel pressured nonetheless.

In retrospect, I probably confused him the first time I told him about living with roommates. I've moved around a bit during and after college due to different circumstances and the changing living arrangement confuses the hell outta people whenever I tried to describe the whole story of what happened and why. BUT if he didn't get it the first time, the second time I very straightforwardly and blatantly told him and he got it. And it seems that he accepted it.

Then it occurred to me that not only had he forgotten new college grads' way of life, but he also had a very different style of communication. He uses extremely straightforward, matter-of-factly statements when describing events. "This is what happened: 1), 2), and 3). In each event, Who, when, where. " I'm more of a story teller and prone to describing feelings, impressions and abstract ideas. I also came from a high context culture in which more things are implied in my first language than in English.

So you see, it's not just a matter of he needing to adjust to me, but I also need to adjust to him as well. I think these issues need to be worked on and communicated about, but they can be worked out, yes?
 ForumOyster
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 15 (view)
 
guy or girls-why didnt u date them anymore-reasons
Posted: 8/16/2010 7:30:11 AM
A long while back, I went on a date with this guy who bragged about his material and spiritual wealth for the entire dinner. He also suggested that we might, if I'd be so inclined, check out his new 50" flat screen TV on our 2nd date (guess whose place it'll be?) and he could take me shopping for gorgeous outfits. I was so desperate to leave in the end I was eyeing the "help" signal to our waiter to bring the check. Instead he offered the freakin' dessert menu!

Now if you asked him, he'd probably tell a different story of how I was a shallow gold digger who was in for a free meal and wasn't even intelligent enough to hold a conversation. It had some truth in it--I was completely turned off and clammed up (but I did offer to go dutch!). For as shallow as I am, how could I ever think of anything remotely as interesting as his to say and how dare I ever compare myself to the richness and depth of his experiences?

Every story has two sides. It's easy to see just one of them online.
 ForumOyster
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 1 (view)
 
Dating Someone Older and Feeling Pressured by Assumptions
Posted: 8/15/2010 10:43:25 PM
I've been going out with a 33-year-old myself, and I need some input/insight/perspectives from you guys in the "30 and above" check box on how to communicate this particular problem I'm having with him.

I've read the threads about age differences in dating. Most seem to think that as long as the two are compatible then age really doesn't matter. While I agree in principle, I feel that certain things come with time and experiences, so it isn't age per se that is the deal breaker, but what comes with the different lifestyle. Frankly, certain assumptions he makes about my lifestyle (or how it should be) is pressuring the hell outta me.

For instance, finance. in my particular case, he's done a fair amount of soul searching and career change, and he's now in a stable, prospering career that gives him good financial security. I'm quite fresh out of college and just starting to build my career, and I'm working two jobs while busting my ass to take care of my responsibilities. when we are out, we pay roughly 50/50. Neither of us have extravagant tastes but even then, sometimes it's a tad much for me. I will also never ask him to pay for me. I tried to slip in the knowledge that I'm not as financially well off as he is, but it seems apparent that this never truly dawned on him.

Another example, he has been living by himself for a while now and makes assumptions about my living arrangements. When we first started dating, I was living with roommates and he assumed that I'd be "on my own" just as much as he was. But how many new college grads can honestly afford a nice car and a roomy one bedroom apartment in a gated community in a nice neighborhood and the whole nine yard? I had to remind him *twice* of that fact and the fact that I lived with roommates. And he was literally shocked to see what a slum neighborhood I live in when one night he took me home. And here's the great news, my roommates just moved out and one of my parents moved in a couple dates ago (please don't ask why or question this statement, and just take my words for it). I do not depend on my parents. I take care of myself and pay the rent, and there is no stigma about living with parents in my culture either. This guy and I give each other a lot of personal space so he doesn't know yet. But I just know what is likely to come across his mind...since he sneezed at other people who "can't be on their own" so many times before.

And these are not the only assumptions he has about my lifestyle, just a few that I can think of right now. These small things accumulate and I feel pressured in our dating-getting-serious-relationship. BUT, I like this guy. I think we're compatible on many other levels, and I'd like to work this problem out if possible and see where we can go.

My question is, how would you communicate to someone that certain assumptions they have are giving you a lot of pressure? I'm asking for the techniques, you know, the "nuts and bolts" of communication if you've been in similar situations before or if you have ideas. Thanks!
 
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