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Thread: Is love worth it

Joined: 8/24/2006

Msg: 36 (view)

Is love worth it Posted: 12/15/2007 10:39:13 AM
Well, if you like roller coaster rides and feeling unsettled and on pins and needles he's probably the perfect man for you. If you'd rather enjoy the feeling of being content and happy that you are loved then I think you should pull yourself out of this relationship because that's not what I ever see happening. This man has lots of soul searching work to do and needs to spend lots of time being introspective. He probably enjoys the attention and his ego is being stroked but isn't ready to give in return. Perhaps you need some introspective time as well and figure out why you're involved with someone who is emotionally unavailable and is causing you pain. Maybe you're not really ready either. My two cents isn't going to be that you need to date other guys - it's that you need to spend time alone thinking about your past relationship patterns and what you want for the future.

Joined: 8/24/2006

Msg: 51 (view)

men and their mothers Posted: 12/15/2007 10:31:37 AM
It all depends on whether a man has gone through the individualization process and morphed from a child/teen to an adult. Some prefer to stay at the age of around 13, 14 and have mommy take care of them when they're feeling scared - it's a big world out there. Look for signs that a man has separated psychologically from both of his parents and has an adult to adult relationship with them - he has his own values, thoughts and opinions and can make a move without feeling "bogged down" by their influence.

Joined: 8/24/2006

Msg: 35 (view)

Questions Posted: 12/15/2007 9:21:46 AM
Never mind his behaviour - he could be any guy and something tells me that you would be having the same type of relationship. Let's focus on your behaviour - you have put yourself at risk physically, mentally, emotionally and financially. Why would you make yourself completely vulnerable to another person? There is something really big going on here and you need to get help dealing with this huge problem. My guess is this is a pattern for you and there are significant events in your past that has led you to this place. The good thing is that what is happening is blatant and obvious so the problem will be easily pinpointed by a professional counselor. I think you should be spending the majority of your time and energy finding free counseling if you cannot afford it and if by some miracle it isn't available then I suggest you go to church and speak to one of the church leaders because they help people all the time. You can also get books from the library and on-line. Unless someone qualified from this site volunteers you're not going to get advice from a trained professional here. All we can tell you is that something is really rotten with your relationship and that you need to sort out why you have stayed in it. I hope find the support you need or find it within yourself to take charge of your life instead of letting life and negative experiences happen to you. You can do this.

Joined: 8/24/2006

Msg: 35 (view)

Is sex the motivation for mature adults to seek a relationship? Posted: 12/15/2007 9:11:55 AM
My understanding is that OP is asking about the motivation for getting out there and trying to have a relationship. For OP, it was sexual. I believe he said that he wouldn't have gotten out of his cocoon if it hadn't been for a sexual motivation and, having read many of his other posts, he's being honest. If sex wasn't there on the first date, he wasn't interested ......... and yet he is also honest about wanting that first sexual encounter to then lead to a more fulfilling long term relationship........ I can't speak for the Melo the OP, but I'm going to make a guess that the reason some people insist on having a sexual attraction to a person is because they are aware that that is the method that they channel a lot of their emotions. A person wouldn't feel the full depth of their emotions right away, but they know that later on if they are going to need to express them through sex. These could be people that are self-aware and understand that there just aren't the words to emotionally express themselves so they'll need to do it by physical actions. I think it's wonderful to have strong, intense feelings and some use their bodies and some use their words and some use both. Hooray for love!!

Joined: 8/24/2006

Msg: 37 (view)

I Love You Posted: 12/13/2007 8:59:33 PM
Is there something else about her and how you felt that you could say instead? I think it's time to have a talk and let her know that you think you may have been swept up in the moment and that you're not actually feeling ready to fall in love just yet. Tell her all the great things you think about her and ask her if she'll give you more time. My view is that "I love you" is for someone that you can clearly see yourself being the partner of for the rest of your life - anyone else and it's not really love.

Joined: 8/24/2006

Msg: 6 (view)

Why are we looking for LTR? Posted: 12/12/2007 10:23:55 PM
It means long term relationship. That's okay, for the longest time I though lol meant lots of love, ha, ha, I'm laughing out loud. Yes, baby steps are good and it's great to savour the getting to know you part, but I think most of us can tell pretty quickly whether we think of a person as a probable LTR or not - we're not trying to squeeze anyone in a box. Let's face it, as much as we like to think we can be in control of our love life when two people meet it pretty much takes on a life of it's own. You can plan all you want but when the person is right you never know what will happen. Sure, enjoy the slow train ride but if a fast one happens just go with it baby!

Joined: 8/24/2006

Msg: 139 (view)

Dear Beautiful Men, is this is true? Please be honest. Posted: 12/12/2007 8:20:47 PM
So it isn't necessarily sex that triggers a man to put a woman in one category or another - what is it then?? My guess is that a man waits for a certain rush of feelings, mostly that he has attached or bonded himself to a woman and then he is ready to give up all others. The interesting part is when he decides to let go of the dam and let his feelings out - a combo of feeling attracted to her and finds her interesting and fascinating, is secure in himself and feels safe with her, can see that their personalities are compatible, and that he will be happy in the long term. I think men instinctively know that once those feelings are let go and the bond is formed that it's very hard for them to break no matter how miserable they are so they are more careful than women. Women worry less because they do more problem-solving in a relationship and are probably more optimistic about working out the details. So men protect themselves by finding excuses to put women in the "no go" category even though they are attracted to them because they are more cautious. Some might be keeping these thoughts to themselves with the attitude of "hey, why not have sex if she's into it" and might or not be conscious of even justifying their actions to themselves. Maybe if we were all more aware of what was going on with our feelings there would be a lot less hurt out in relationship land....... I know, I know, women are capable of the same thing....

Joined: 8/24/2006

Msg: 117 (view)

When you REALLY love a woman...... Posted: 11/29/2007 7:30:34 PM
Personally, I think guys express how much we love a woman through sex rather than telling her because it's easier to express that through relating to her physically than purely on an emotional level (although sex is relating on an emotional level too). I think woman are mistaken too when they think that all a guy is out for is sex purely for the physical aspects when in reality it's our way of showing her how much we care for her or love her? I know it's easier for me through sex than through telling her. Agree or not? Take all those emotions and put them into words while you're having sex......something like...... "You are my other half" or, "I can't live without you". Think about how wonderful that would be to hear.

Joined: 8/24/2006

Msg: 37 (view)

Why is he signing up on new dating sites when we are in a serious relationship? Posted: 11/29/2007 7:00:21 PM
Well, neither of you should trust each other. I checked out your profile and wonder how you can expect him to make any kind of commitment to you since you seem to be looking as well? I'm wondering why you would be looking for male friends, and still have anything about a first date, plus all the other info that clearly points to dating. Give your head a shake!! If you want someone to be trustworthy you have to be trustworthy yourself. If you can't figure out what you're doing then you have no business being in a committed relationship. Duh.

Joined: 8/24/2006

Msg: 56 (view)

MBTI Types & Attraction: Is there a connection? Posted: 11/28/2007 7:57:50 PM
1) What MBTI type are you? INTJ....the mastermind....mwa, ha, ha. Think a female Dr. Evil in Austin Powers. I think the INTJ is more common in males and this isn't a common type, so I'm kind of in the minority. Apparently the TJ combo is the leadership combo....now if I could just get people to understand that I am completely and totally in charge of everything.... 2) What types of each characteristic would you like to change and enhance about yourselves? Would you like to be more outgoing (E)? More decisive (J)? I'm much too analytical for my own good sometimes - it's a big plus at work, but not so great for personal relationships. 3) What types were your exes? All I know is that my ex was a "P" to my "J" and his indecisiveness drove me nuts!! 4) What types did they want to improve? I'm sure I drive people nuts with my decisiveness....and analyzing....and thinking.....and planning.....and big-picturing.... 5) Do you find any connections between the types of people you are attracted to and their MBTI types? I'm attracted to the thinkers. 6) Do you find any connections between the types of people you attract and their MBTI types? The thinkers seem to find me too. I'm not so sure that the Myers Briggs personality types have as much of an effect on personal relationships as they do work relationships. It is a great tool to understand a person's thought process and to realize that they aren't behaving a certain way just to drive you nuts, but that's just the way they are "wired". I think a lot of the research stands up to the test and I find a lot of the descriptions for my type to be fairly accurate (as much as I'd like to be more of one of the sensitive, caring types). I think the description of my type was written with male mad scientisty types in mind and not for women of that type. By the way, if you Google your four letters you'll come up with all kinds of sites about your personality type. Anything I can do to understand myself better so I can explain it to the love of my life who I am is a good idea in my opinion........

Joined: 8/24/2006

Msg: 19 (view)

how am i supposed to feel? Posted: 11/27/2007 8:11:07 PM
You probably will never heal completely, which I think is a good thing. If you heal completely it could be a sign that you've become hardened, so keep just a little bit of that sadness and confusion there to remind you how deeply you loved. You must have put your heart and soul into that relationship because there would be no other way that you'd be able to put up with someone like that. Now you can move on, get to know and love yourself a lot more, and eventually find someone who is worthy of you. What is it that gives you peace and contentment? Do you like gardening? walking in the forest? by the river? animals? helping people? painting? Find the thing that makes you feel serene and spend lots of time doing it. That's where your healing will come from, and from the wisdom of other people's experiences. Listen to the old fogies - lots of them were there where you were once too.

Joined: 8/24/2006

Msg: 197 (view)

Fear of Commitment... myth created by women (not) Posted: 11/27/2007 7:59:04 PM
I think a lot of instances where people put pressure on the other person for a commitment they know in their heart what the other person's intentions are and are just bringing it out into the open. It's a way to get the person who is trying to "fly under the radar" to say whether their intention is to make their best effort to make the relationship last, or they are just trying to hang on to getting their needs met as long as they can. Are people expected to say "s/he was using me?" Actually, honesty all around would be a great idea.

Joined: 8/24/2006

Msg: 14 (view)

Being a Chicken in the Game of Love Posted: 11/27/2007 7:36:26 PM
Oh, you poor thing! Don't be maybe-ing yourself to death! It'll drive you nuts! I think you need to start out slowly by seeing if you can sit beside him at church. My guess is there are church activities of some sort, so why don't you volunteer for something and ask if he'll volunteer with you? Is there anything else you could ask him for help with? I hope this doesn't sound manipulative at all because I think it is a good way for both of you to "loosen up" a bit, especially if he is the shy type as well. How does he react when you find yourself smiling at him? Does he get a puzzled look in his eye, or does he smile back?? Don't try to push or pressure yourself into asking him out....baby steps here for the both of you. Who knows, he just may sense your interest and ask you out himself. Get creative!!

Joined: 8/24/2006

Msg: 43 (view)

Taking risks Posted: 11/27/2007 7:27:52 PM
Maybe the risk of saying "I'm going to put my heart and soul into finding the perfect person for me" is too much for some people. Sometimes when I do profile reviews I have to tell people to write directly to the heart of the person you're looking for, tell him or her exactly who you are, and shout out that you're looking for them from the rooftops. I think this is altogether too much for many people because they are afraid that they are unlovable. They end up walling themselves off and treating dating sites like a game. If they were really brave they would give up on that and declare that they are looking for the love of their life.

Joined: 8/24/2006

Msg: 26 (view)

Learning to know One Another Posted: 11/27/2007 7:11:14 PM
I've always been open about my past relationships and have no problem dissecting them with anyone and no problem mulling over theirs as well. I think relationships are a huge part of who we are and I think it's a lot easier to build a new relationship when everything is out in the open. You get a much better understanding of the person and how you can help them be happier in a relationship with you. I guess it's because I've gotten to the age where I've practically heard or read about so many experiences that it doesn't phase me. What's the big deal? We're human, and if the attraction is there it'll be there no matter what either of your past experiences were.

Joined: 8/24/2006

Msg: 30 (view)

When the thrill is gone Posted: 11/27/2007 6:58:07 PM
By the way, have you thought about a mediator whose specialty is counseling? It can be a lot less expensive and emotionally draining than divorce lawyers.

Joined: 8/24/2006

Msg: 27 (view)

When the thrill is gone Posted: 11/27/2007 6:42:59 PM
And you were actually expecting the thrill to last? I think you've read too many trashy romance novels and watched too many soap operas. I really can't see how a relationship is supposed to be a never-ending thrill and I think you need to give your head a shake. That's not to say that people don't get a little thrill when they see their SO after being away for awhile, or get a warm fuzzy feeling when their SO does that certain "thing", but most relationships aren't based on excitement. Maybe you were just lazy and were using a cliche, but I find it significant that "the thrill" figured so prominently in your question. Even if you have no intention whatsoever of staying in the relationship I agree with a lot of the other posters that counseling would be a really good thing for you. It's a way to make a graceful exit, allowing both of you time to process your emotions and to start to heal. I'm also going to put my two thousand cents in about your readiness for another relationship - I think you'll end up sorry unless you really take the time to go through the healing process. So, were these the replies you were expecting?

Joined: 8/24/2006

Msg: 77 (view)

Is there hope that he even exists??? Posted: 11/26/2007 6:45:21 PM
Why don't you try something different to put those dreams into reality? Why don't you tell us what you have done to find this person? My guess is that you may have read too many romance novels where perfect man falls out of the sky - unfortunately that only happens to people by fluke. The first thing I noticed about your profile is that it is rather short. If you're really serious about finding the perfect guy then you'll put more effort into your profile and make it more detailed about you. How can he tell how perfect you are for him if your info is skimpy? Something else you can do to increase your chances is to think about getting rid of those few extra pounds. I'm certainly not one to talk because I'm not exactly a swimsuit model myself, but I recognize that extra weight isn't a positive when you're trying to meet Mr. Mostright. It's harsh, but the reality is that being a few pounds overweight does decrease your chances. If it's that important to you you'll focus on slimming down. How many people do you think are on POF in your area? My guess is there aren't many. Have you posted your profile on other sites, tried matchmaking services, gone to "meet and greet" dinners, singles dances, joined activities, asked all of your friends and family to find you a mate, put an add in the paper, etc? Hey, finding someone can take time and a lot of effort. If it's that important to you then you'll do all of this stuff and get him out of your dreams and into reality, but don't forget to enjoy life in the meantime!!

Joined: 8/24/2006

Msg: 22 (view)

NEXT! Forum Posts... Posted: 11/26/2007 6:11:56 PM
I find that there's usually always something to like about everybody and don't think I'll ever meet anyone I would find unlikeable because of the attitude I go into meeting someone new with. If a guy meets me or any other woman for that matter and finds us "rejectable" after the "meet and greet" I'd wonder why he'd be approaching meeting new people with that mindset. If I like someone who rejects me after meeting me once I'd laugh and say "guess I'd better cancel that order for the wedding dress". Really, how can you take someone seriously who focuses on judging someone as unsuitable or not after meeting them once? Can't they just relax and enjoy the experience of meeting someone new, and make it fun? I'd say after getting together a few times and you're starting to see that there will probably never be a spark or that there are compatibility problems it's the time to say so. I think that most adults can handle this emotionally by just coming out and saying hey, I think you're a great person but I don't see us as compatible in the long-term and don't want to take up any more of your time. I think some people flatter themselves thinking that the other person will be so devastated by their rejection that they won't be able to handle it. Getting rejected right off the get-go when you like someone is much more preferable than the alternative - someone else mentioned in a post that she was strung along for months because the guy couldn't find anyone else he liked better. I wouldn't like to be treated as "filler" while the guy looked for someone better to come along.

Joined: 8/24/2006

Msg: 39 (view)

After one date... Posted: 11/26/2007 11:46:53 AM
Perhaps the difference between this guy and other people is that he actually told you how he feels about you. I think it's great that he was so open and took a risk (which is probably something that he doesn't normally do). My guess is that he's not going to take a risk again. I'll bet there are a lot of people who get very excited, thinking they have met someone who seems to have a lot of the qualities that they value. You don't know what his past experiences are - he could have had a clear picture in his mind for years and something instinctively told him that you are "it". Maybe he's been creating this database in his head of human behaviour, full of all kinds of clues to the one he's looking for and he was able to put it all together. Something tells me that this has not happened to him before because if it had he would have hidden it from you. I think it was a good idea to tell him it's made you all panicky and ask him if you can take it slowly. Tell him that you're the type of girl that needs to take baby steps and to get to know a person a lot more before making a guess at whether you'd be compatible in the long run. I think you should make it clear that you don't want him to try to "encourage" you to be with him by showing you his best side, but you want to get to know the real him. Tell him to forget the flowers, but let's hear everything there is to know about him. You're going to have to show him that it's safe to do that though and that you will listen without making any judgements. Ditch the dating dance and get right to the real compatibility/match/long-term stuff, but in small manageable doses so you're not overwhelmed. If he really wants to build a long-term relationship with you he'll see that it's best you do it that way. Good luck!!

Joined: 8/24/2006

Msg: 55 (view)

What went wrong? Posted: 11/26/2007 11:33:46 AM
This internet dating thing certainly isn't for the faint of heart and while you don't want to get cynical, you do want to get really good at weeding out the guys who I call the "triflers". Those are the ones who like to play with a woman's affections and see if they can get her attention, with no intention whatsoever of having a relationship. Not having experience with women I can't say if they're the same, other than taking the word of the guys who write about flaky biotches. A lot of people on POF are just testing the waters and working at building up their ego. The more people they can attract and get the attention of, the more confidence it gives them. They're not here with the main intent of having a fabulous relationship (because deep down they know they don't have the emotional capacity to deal with it), but are here to plump up their ego. Maybe it helps their sex life and they wouldn't be able to "get it up" otherwise. Hmmmm.....perhaps the tone of my previous post wasn't quite what I meant it to be. What I'm trying to say is there are people who aren't here for a relationship and I think you met one of them. I think there are enough of them, judging from the number of posts complaining about these people, that you need to spend time weeding them out. That's not to say that all men or all women aren't really here for a relationship - just enough of them to be an annoyance. I'm not speaking from personal experience other than what I've read and I'm guessing that you haven't read that many of the forums which is why this was passed along to you. I still think that if someone can't connect with a person they've spent time getting to know by email and have met on a date enough to give them the courtesy of a good-bye and a simple, clear reason then they aren't ready for a relationship. If a person can't understand how their behaviour affects other people (look at how it upset you) and they can't put themselves in another's shoes then they are not ready. This is a basic communication skill and a demonstration of empathy with another human being and if they aren't able to do that, then how are they going to manage a relationship?? Consider yourself lucky that his behaviour showed that he is unlikely to be able to empathize with you. Perhaps he thinks that you wouldn't be affected by his behaviour, but that says something as well, doesn't it?

Joined: 8/24/2006

Msg: 63 (view)

No feelings for ex. Is that normal? Posted: 11/26/2007 11:17:45 AM
Who cares if it's normal - it's the way you feel. No one went through the experiences you did and no one is quite the same as you. If you're concerned that your lack of feelings have affected you so that you can't open up emotionally to other people, why don't you talk to someone about it?? My guess is you'll have no problem falling in love with someone who is good to you and you admire. You did something to make yourself safe and that's a good thing - congratulations!

Joined: 8/24/2006

Msg: 49 (view)

Will things really matter? Posted: 11/25/2007 11:03:55 PM
Eeeps!!! I'm not sure if I should be answering this because he certainly wouldn't be my cup of tea, but maybe this perspective hasn't been mentioned yet. Are you getting the vibe that he's a showoff and will look down his nose at you?? I'm getting the feeling that you don't have the same values as him and that could be a relationship breaker. Why was it so important to him to be very successful, have a huge house in the burbs and (this is a red flag for me) a sports car? Sounds like a playuh on the face of things. What I would want to know is how compassionate he is and whether he volunteers at all or if he's into status symbols. Another thing I'd want to know how down and dirty he could get, or if he is a priss. I don't know.....I would like my man to be a bit of a dirty boy and this one sounds too focused on being Mr. Clean. Bet you'd be happier with someone more well-rounded and real. Just my two thousand cents!!

Joined: 8/24/2006

Msg: 46 (view)

What went wrong? Posted: 11/25/2007 10:57:53 PM
He sounds like someone who doesn't have a clue how to manage a relationship so you're lucky his true colours shined through so quickly. This internet dating thing certainly isn't for the faint of heart and while you don't want to get cynical, you do want to get really good at weeding out the guys who I call the "triflers". Those are the ones who like to play with a woman's affections and see if they can get her attention, with no intention whatsoever of having a relationship. Not having experience with women I can't say if they're the same, other than taking the word of the guys who write about flaky biotches. A lot of people on POF are just testing the waters and working at building up their ego. The more people they can attract and get the attention of, the more confidence it gives them. They're not here with the main intent of having a fabulous relationship (because deep down they know they don't have the emotional capacity to deal with it), but are here to plump up their ego. Maybe it helps their sex life and they wouldn't be able to "get it up" otherwise. Treat yourself to a pityfest (feel sorry for yourself, eat some chocolates or something) until you laugh at yourself and then move on. Don't let anyone take you away and distract you from or shake your confidence so you forget why you are here. There is someone out there that is fabulous (after you get to really know him) and will treat you well. Next time, don't build up expectations - lots look good on paper but are entirely unsuitable. Keep an open mind and know that you might find that the one that doesn't look so good on paper and doesn't immediately seem right could be the one that's right for you in the long run. Patience.

Joined: 8/24/2006

Msg: 26 (view)

What three things can you live with or without in a relationship. Posted: 11/25/2007 10:41:13 PM
Need to have: Emotionally open, intelligent, passionate (for moi only of course) Take a hike if you're: A procrastinator/can't make a decision, manipulative, arrogant

Joined: 8/24/2006

Msg: 29 (view)

In a difficult situation Posted: 11/15/2007 6:49:44 PM
How sad for you that this person may have kept you hanging on with such a lack of contact. That's a long time to be "tied" to someone who doesn't show a whole lot of enthusiasm for having a relationship with you. My view is that it could be better for your emotional health to break it off clearly and firmly so that there is no doubt in his mind that you will not be getting back together. Something tells me that the two of you have a "drifting" relationship and the thing is, you may end up drifting back together if you don't make a clean break of it. I think that chances are good that you will find someone who shows some real enthusiasm for you, makes definite plans and sticks by them. Think of it this way......Mr. Right could be floating around out there right now just waiting for you, all lonely and sad and you're hanging onto Mr. Ho-hum. I think you've given this guy far too much of your precious time!!

Joined: 8/24/2006

Msg: 24 (view)

what makes us love? Posted: 10/30/2007 7:17:10 PM
Briannazq2! That was the best post! Thanks for taking the time to explain it :-).

Joined: 8/24/2006

Msg: 28 (view)

Being treated like a woman? Posted: 10/30/2007 7:03:28 PM
Okay, what have you got to lose here? Nothing, because you obviously can't continue on the way you are. I agree that you will now need to morph into the seductress - it seems to me to be the best way to change the relationship. Start changing the way you dress, and stop acting so much like a buddy. He might just be really nervous about sex, and the reason he's "just getting the job done" is because he's having a hard (ha, ha!) time controlling himself both physically and emotionally. You're going to have to teach him how to take it more slowly, and that he has to wait and that the experience can be so much more intense done "just right". Get out the candles and be prepared to take on the role of the teacher. Oh, what fun you're going to have!!

Joined: 8/24/2006

Msg: 12 (view)

What to say to a guy if you want to wait? Posted: 10/30/2007 6:54:16 PM
How many times would you be seeing this guy in this one to two month time? What would this add up to (approximately) in hours? That time period certainly isn't unreasonable - am I a throwback to the 1800's or something?? I think when you're young you need quite a bit of time to develop a meaningful relationship - younger people just don't have the experience they need in order to connect emotionally quickly - there are all kinds of "missteps" that older people might be able to avoid. Don't say to yourself ahead of time that you're going to give it a certain amount of time. The time will be right when you are quite confident that he is crazy about you and thinks you have a chance of a long-term relationship. Don't give it up before you are reasonably sure of him. Ask your friends and family what the signs of that are. Then tell him you're looking for a meaningful, lasting relationship (just like you said here). You don't have to mention anything negative (don't need to say the words "notch on a bedpost - that could be insulting). Keep it all positive - after you're sure of what you do want in a relationship, let him know. If he's ready emotionally for that kind of relationship he'll let you know, if he's not he'll do you a favour by letting go. Good luck!!

Joined: 8/24/2006

Msg: 26 (view)

Asking advice. Posted: 10/30/2007 6:38:00 PM
Arg!! I don't see why so many posters were cynical and negative - I think he genuinely likes you and is now feeling more emotionally attached to you now that you've known each other for so long. He may not have been ready then, but I think he's ready now. Why don't you just relax and enjoy the attention he's giving you, and if you feel good about touching and being close to him then do it! It is a big problem that you work together though, and now you're going to have to sort it out. One of you may have to get another job eventually - is this possible?? Why don't you wait a couple of weeks to see where this goes, all the while giving him a chance to fall for you - isn't that what you wanted?? Another big problem is that he's in the type of job where women will constantly flirt with him - do you think your relationship could withstand that?? What is his ego like, and what does he want to do the rest of his life? If it's bartending I'd say hmmmm....... hard to stay committed in that kind of sexually-charged environment.

Joined: 8/24/2006

Msg: 9 (view)

Picking partners Posted: 10/30/2007 6:28:13 PM
There might be a slight tendency toward it, but I certainly can't decide one way or another due to my very limited knowledge. It does seem to make sense, but a lot of things seem to make sense and they turn out very differently! All I know is what I like, and physical features aren't something that I've ever really focused on.

Joined: 8/24/2006

Msg: 49 (view)

Why do women stay in a relationship that is not good for them? Posted: 10/29/2007 6:16:35 PM
This is a great start for you, and I think you received a lot of helpful suggestions. Please keep in mind that none of us have met you, and that we haven't heard your situation in person. Someone who can help in relationships like this would hear the tone of your voice, hear the stress in certain parts, see your body language, see when you break down, etc. We are NO substitution for someone who has a formal education and experience. There are a lot of perceptive posters on this site, but a lot of us are speaking from our own experiences, therefore you're going to get each person's "spin". I hope you'll consider some kind of counseling or at the very least do some reading. You seem to be an intelligent, thoughtful woman who has found herself in an emotional situation that spiraled downward for whatever reasons. Keep in mind that you aren't the first person this has happened to and you won't be the last - you're in very good company. I think that you can really turn this situation around and learn from it and end up in a relationship that is much more satisfying. It's great to see someone who genuinely wants help, considers what she's told, and then thanks those that offer it for their time. You have a lot of people rooting for you here. I think you can get this resolved with some time and energy. Good luck.

Joined: 8/24/2006

Msg: 31 (view)

Why do women stay in a relationship that is not good for them? Posted: 10/28/2007 10:48:56 PM
Well, you must be getting something out of it otherwise why would you keep going back for more? I'm going to suggest something different - that you are using him just as much as he is using you. You are in a relationship where you're filling some kind of need, and I think he knows it too - he's probably feeling just as used as you are. Oh well, when you get tired of all the other crap that goes along with getting this burning need filled you'll ditch him. I don't think you're the victim you're making yourself out to be.

Joined: 8/24/2006

Msg: 38 (view)

Calendar Relationships .... Posted: 10/28/2007 7:02:49 PM
Good question Savona. Have you thought about slowing down on the family-centered celebrations and including a couple of parties geared towards singles? It might be nice to throw a party between Christmas and New Year's Eve for singles - the only gift they would need to bring is another single person. You could also organize a single's outing before Christmas. Just a couple of ideas to "marry" your romantic relationship life with those family-oriented holidays.

Joined: 8/24/2006

Msg: 25 (view)

Passionless Relationship Posted: 10/28/2007 6:46:14 PM
Who asked who to get married? I doubt that I'd marry a man who showed a lack of interest in having sex with me - I would probably feel self-conscious and that there was something "wrong" with me. There are lots of reasons for lack of interest in sex though, and if he was motivated to figure out why he didn't have those passionate feelings I would stay in the relationship as long as there was a reasonable possibility of figuring out the reasons and resolving what was going on with him. If it's due to stress, wonky hormones, emotional issues, a physical reason, those can probably all be resolved. If it's because they're something about me (or not about me) that is creating the lack of interest, are you kidding?? That's a sure-fire recipee for relationship disaster.

Joined: 8/24/2006

Msg: 12 (view)

Whay do Men complain about Women cheating on them?? Posted: 10/28/2007 6:27:46 PM
A couple of thoughts after reading your question OP. How is it that you end up in a position where men think there is a possibility of sleeping with you on the first date? If you go to a short "meet and greet" at a public place, I would hardly think this a good setting for a talk about sex. How does they jump to the sex topic anyway?? Do they just out of the blue say "let's sleep together" when you're talking about your flower-arranging hobby?? I would think that anyone who had the balls to ask for sex on the first date, out of the blue with no encouragement must have a pretty pointed profile that screams "let's have sex right away!!". Maybe there's something you are doing that invites this kind of behaviour??? I'm an old broad though and think that the old geezer my age tend to have lost their nerve and move a lot more slowly. Anyway, are you sending conflicting messages?? Why don't you get a friend to help you out with your profile (not a hint of sex!!), and take a look at the profiles of the guys you've dated. She may be able to tell you what they're picking up on.

Joined: 8/24/2006

Msg: 11 (view)

Sex and relationships Posted: 10/28/2007 6:18:41 PM
I have read a number of times now that many men feel the need to have sex in order to feel emotionally connected with a woman, and that women need to feel emotionally connected before they can have sex. What a dilemma!!! It's hard to say exactly what this guy is thinking - it could be that he feels that she is not going to connect with him emotionally and he really is giving up and there is no ultimatum there at all - he's telling the truth. It could also be that he is putting the pressure on her so that they can have sex and he is being manipulative. I'm tending toward the first possibility because I've heard that it's fairly easy to find a willing woman, so he probably really did want to have sex with her (and not just any woman would do). He's been rather foolish about what he's been doing though, IMO, because all it has been doing is making him more frustrated and her more angry and resentful (my guess). He probably could have approached it better by lots of talking. Not everyone is comfortable having sex after being in a relationship for a few months I guess. It seems like a reasonable amount of time to me, but obviously they have some issues to work out if they are disregarding each other's feelings. Their lack of "togetherness" in the sex department says to me that they aren't communicating as well as they need to in order to have a great long-term relationship. Why haven't they worked this out by now?? Can you believe we're discussing the sex lives of people we don't know?? What's the POF world coming to?

Joined: 8/24/2006

Msg: 8 (view)

Human Nature Posted: 10/27/2007 2:26:06 PM
I think that a lot of people do not have anyone's best interests at heart if they don't know them - they only start thinking of the other person once they get to know them and the other person is filling a need. What I've noticed about some people on this site is that they have an agenda - a specific reason for being here, and sometimes it's difficult to figure out what it is fairly quickly. They might say that they're here to find a relationship, but in fact are here for sex, or because they're trying to fill an emotional void, or they want someone to look after them financially, or they want someone to listen and pay attention to them, or they want to stroke their ego, etc., etc. I don't know what the percentage is, but I think it's high enough to make me cautious. If I meet someone by chance in "real" life it's a different situation - they wouldn't be looking for something from me for any reason in particular, so the chances are a lot better that when they want to get together with me it's because they enjoy my company. Some might think I have somewhat of a cynical attitude, but I don't care - I think of it as having a reasonable, healthy attitude and that I'm being realistic (hence the name). I do think that there are men who actually like me and enjoy my company and their only motivation is to have a loving relationship. I just turn up my radar a little higher and listen closely to the signs of what they're really here for in order to find that balance between being guarded and being open.

Joined: 8/24/2006

Msg: 115 (view)

how long would you like to talk online before meeting in person Posted: 10/27/2007 1:55:05 PM
I think it all depends on the type of communicator you are, and how freaked out and nervous you are about meeting someone new. If both of you communicate well in writing, then spend a couple of weeks having fun with email (clever contests can be quite entertaining). If you're a good verbal communicator, spend some time on the phone. Shorten the time period for both up if you're comfortable with meeting strangers, and lengthen it if you're not. It's a good idea to say how you'd like the communication steps to go in your profile. State that you like to do the following in order for the progression to spending time together to go as comfortably as possible. You can put that right at the top of your profile, and also mention it in one of your first emails or telephone conversations. It's just another way of thinking of the other person by letting them know what you're all about. This will help them deal with any bad feelings they might get because you don't want to meet them right away - they'll understand that it's all about you, and doesn't mean that you are rejecting them. Keep in mind that on-line relationships can bring on a lot of anxieties and it shows you are a caring person when you put yourself in the other person's shoes (who may not have done this type of thing before, or had bad experiences). I can tell you from experience though, that emailing too much is a trap. My emails tend to be lengthy because I type quickly and find that the words come fairly easily, and if someone else is the same, next thing you know we're writing a novel. And next thing you know we get lazy about actually getting together. Since so much of communication is body language, we start to get the wrong impression of the person or start to get a vague feeling that something isn't quite right. This wouldn't have happened if we'd just spent time together!!! So, emailing can help a lot to let the person know that you're thinking of them in between the times you spend time together, but don't let it be a substitution (computers just aren't very huggable).

Joined: 8/24/2006

Msg: 35 (view)

Lunatic Magnet Posted: 10/27/2007 11:23:37 AM
The answer was immediately apparent to me - couldn't the rest of you see it??? It's all those friggin' emoticons!! They scream "looney, looney, looney"!! Blast them outta there and it's problem solved baby!!

Joined: 8/24/2006

Msg: 125 (view)

do most people still look for the right one or do they just settle instead? Posted: 10/27/2007 11:16:18 AM
Oh, I'll take the whole meal deal please, and can you super-size it? And yup, I'll have fries with that. Are you kidding? Why would I want a morsel when the real thing is so very possible? It's the person I want or I'll go back to being the cat lady.

Joined: 8/24/2006

Msg: 70 (view)

Advice, Please... Posted: 10/27/2007 12:06:54 AM
I'm sensing that this person who you are so attracted to is self-absorbed. Can you describe him any other way? What are his good qualities? Is he kind? Does he treat people with respect? Is he interesting? Is he funny and clever? Does he connect emotionally with people? Does he volunteer? He doesn't seem particularly admirable to me and I'm wondering why you want to spend so much time with him when you don't really have anything good to say about him. Stand back from this situation and change it up a bit - if you had a 20-year-old daughter would you want her to go through the same turmoil you are? Would you wish this on your worst enemy?? His behaviour strikes me as selfish and I think that deep down you realize that about him also. What I think you really want to know is how and why those feelings of longings happened, and how do you get rid of them? You know that you won't be able to stand these feelings much longer before they really begin to take a toll on you. Has this happened to you before and have those feelings turned into helplessness and depression? If that's the case and there's a pattern going on here, then I think you need to get to the bottom of it. I have seen friends go through this same kind of relationship with a guy who was unavailable physically and emotionally and they kept going back for more - it was like an addiction. Never did any of these relationships end up long-term and all of them ended with bad feelings. May I suggest that you extricate yourself emotionally while you can do it fairly positively, instead of waiting until you turn bitter and depressed. If the person you are with does not want you to be happy, then he is not the person for you. Somewhere out there is a man who will adore you - if you keep focusing on this guy you're taking time away from someone fabulous. My vote is to end it with a talk where you can explain what happened to you emotionally and why you're making the decision to do it while you can still be positive. I think you're better off apart.

Joined: 8/24/2006

Msg: 89 (view)

If a woman asks a man out shoud he expect sex? Posted: 10/26/2007 11:39:34 PM
Well, you never know.....a guy could attract women who are quite likely to have sex with him fairly quickly - it could be a pattern for him. It doesn't seem logical that this is happening to many men though - my guess is that a man who constantly attracts women who have sex right off the bat is hanging out in bars and doesn't get invitations to date. I think this question could have been better-worded as "what are the chances that a woman is highly motivated to have sex with a man that she asks out on a date?". A little clunky, but you get the drift. Really, it all depends on the person and what the relationship has been up until the invitation. I'd say if the invitation was immediate, and the woman knows very little about the man and doesn't seem interested in finding anything out about him that chances are she wants sex (just like in the reverse situation). If she has spent time getting to know him by email or phone or at a "meet and greet" then chances are she likes him and wants to get to know him better. I think most men can apply this logic and will have a good idea what the woman is looking for. How many of you men have been surprised one way or another?? I'm going to sneak in some more questions........how many of you men have been asked out a few times by a woman without you initiating a get together??? Do you go along because you don't know how to turn her down without hurting her feelings? Do you feel comfortable with her taking the lead? Why are you not asking her in return? More men are going to need to say what's going on with them if they want women to feel comfortable enough to ask them out. My guess is a lot of women don't want to ask a man out thinking that it might set the "tone" of the relationship where she's the one constantly taking the lead - some of us don't like it any more than some of you do.

Joined: 8/24/2006

Msg: 79 (view)

men want an open minded woman... Posted: 10/26/2007 11:03:04 PM
Hmmmm.....I don't remember seeing any profiles that mention "open-minded" and I've reviewed quite a few. Does the rest of the profile not give a hint of what that might mean? I would look at the rest of the profile and at the way it was written to get a sense of what they're hoping for. If I was stumped, I might write and ask. What would the harm in that be? We're just guessing - go to the source!!

Joined: 8/24/2006

Msg: 39 (view)

When it comes to finding a relationship, are you ambitious, or are you a slacker? Posted: 10/26/2007 10:54:16 PM
Maybe I'm looking at it a different way but I think I'm quite ready for a relationship, in many ways. I don't think it so much the time you spend searching, but whether you are ready mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically. So, that's how I'm looking at it and I'm feeling pretty ambitious about it. What's with you slackers?? I'm feeling pretty peppy about the whole thing - maybe because my wild imagination can picture what could happen. Wheeeeee!!!!!!

Joined: 8/24/2006

Msg: 57 (view)

Not a HOAX question Posted: 10/26/2007 10:41:39 PM
Not a chance!! I wanted to take the towel and snap it at my ex, but that was it. Eventually you'll look back and thank your lucky stars you are no longer with that person, and you'll be able to think of the good times with fondness too. You will heal.

Joined: 8/24/2006

Msg: 41 (view)

was this wrong??? hard choice Posted: 10/26/2007 10:39:16 PM
This is what you could have done 1) moved out but continued the relationship and 2) asked the girlfriend to take a parenting course with you, then 3) gone for counseling with her and the kids a few times before moving back in. Why didn't you?

Joined: 8/24/2006

Msg: 33 (view)

Should u think that with u it could be different! Posted: 10/26/2007 10:33:17 PM
Frankly I couldn't be bothered with a relationship where I'm only involved to pass time - too busy for that and don't have some kind of void to fill. I'm beginning to suspect that a lot of people are on POF to get a specific need met, and that they have no intention whatsoever of spending the time and energy necessary to find the best person to have a lasting, meaningful relationship with. Maybe they need to add a new category - "looking to get my needs met" (subtitled "never mind your needs").

Joined: 8/24/2006

Msg: 17 (view)

Budding relationship freaky moments... Posted: 10/23/2007 6:34:57 AM
Thank gawd for the freaks - they make me seem almost normal.

Joined: 8/24/2006

Msg: 18 (view)

will i ever love again Posted: 10/22/2007 7:14:07 PM
Bravo for .Marc There's always a healing process to go through after a relationship, even the ones that were short-lived and not particularly intense, and this process is the best thing you can do for yourself. I think it's great that you're asking these questions and wanting to process the pain that you feel. Think of it as clearing all of the "stuff" out of the way to become new again for your "real" relationship - practice for the time you meet the love of your life. Unless you pick it up, shake it, and move it out of the way it's going to stay there for you to trip over. Spend a lot of time thinking about how your previous experience came to be, what you enjoyed about it, what wasn't good for your self-esteem and emotions, how you'll handle things differently next time, and how you've grown. Thank the former person (in your head) for the experience and then take a vow to be happy again. The birds are still chirping and the rainbows are out and the doves are still flying up - open your eyes and see it.

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