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Thread: what if your soul mate is NOT financial stable

Joined: 8/27/2006

Msg: 161 (view)

what if your soul mate is NOT financial stable Posted: 4/13/2008 7:30:13 PM
what if your "soul mate" is NOT financial stable You get over it. I can understand why people would want to be with someone who in the long-term can provide a financially secure environment for them or those that have money and so won't be using them for their own. But if you are in love with a person, wealth & class, among other things should not come into play. Financially, what someone should be looking for is if that person has qualities that can make them successful in the future. They should look for things like drive, ambition, perserverance, being organized, and other key qualities that shine through their personality. I think given a chance, a person with those would definitely be financially stable in the future if they are not at that point already. Not everyone is at the point in their life where they are financially stable already. That's not to say they won't get there, they may just be adjusting to life. Also they can be financially stable due to a hefty inheritance but if they are lazy, unmotivated and careless with the budget, then they won't be stable for long. Money does run out. I think some people are simply looking for people who are financially stable based on the fact that lacking financially can REALLY hurt a relationship (thats what I read once anyway) or maybe they have had bad personal experiences and others just don't want to be used. but SOME people are just in it for the gifts, money & status . Maybe if people looked for qualities as opposed to paychecks then they would give more people a chance and might not pass up their future 'BillGates' soulmate because right now he can't afford to take you shopping every Saturday.

Joined: 8/27/2006

Msg: 36 (view)

I give up... Posted: 4/13/2008 6:37:25 PM
two dates in two days and you wanted the next day too? WAY TOO FAST WAY TOO MUCH WAY TOO SOON There's no rush.. and getting to really know someone takes time... I suspect you scared her being too clingy, moving too fast, and expecting too much (as in time and intimacy) Couldn't have said it better myself. She might have seen that as clingy especially IF you overdid it on the calling (hopefully not). Sounds to me like she DOES know what she wants. You're just disappointed because it's not you. No big deal. Not her fault. Not yours. Plentyoffish out there. She had a change of heart, it happens all the time. Just move on and meet someone else. PLEASE don't be the guy that can't take no or an answer. Walk away while she still respects you. Just be happy that she actually TOLD you that she wasn't interested. You're lucky she didn't just stop answering calls and drop off the face of earth. Good luck in your search. DON'T give up, she's out there.

Joined: 8/27/2006

Msg: 903 (view)

can you trust some one once they cheat? Posted: 4/11/2008 12:19:30 PM
Depends. My views tend to change on this subject as I meet new people and years go by. I'm becoming a more forgiving person --yay! But that goes up and down. TRUST is a BIG thing. SERIOUSLY. I have had trust issues with people I am still dealing with. But first thing comes to mind is to say NO WAY. Cheating is a no-no and you deserve to be with someone who will not even consider it. Then I think back on past loves and know that I would have forgiven them if they had cheated. So last year I might have said NO way. This year I might say it's not adviseable, but it's do-able. But even with a morphing perspective, my overall theory hasn't seemed to change since I was a teen. If you are DATING a person and they knowingly & willingly cheat on you, you owe it to yourself to part ways BECAUSE as time goes by you will only fall deeper in love with them and why 'buy spoiled milk'? There is better out there. If you are MARRIED to a person who knowingly & willingly cheats on you, then you should not run at the first sign of trouble. Since marriage is sacred and a vow to God, you should aim to try. Of course you have to take into account, cases of drunkenness or whatever other reason besides SEEKING out someone to cheat (ie. 95% of craigslist ads lol). And then you have to figure in the circumstance as a whole. HOW do you trust them? COMMUNICATE. People cheat and when caught, they beg for forgiveness and make promises about never doing it again and the lovers that forgive them are so emotionally violated & obviously still in love that they will eventually believe the person. These cheaters make these promises in the moment because they do not want to lose you. They've slipped up and want you to forgive them. BUT the moment you let them get away with it with a slap on the wrist, they realize hey 'hell didn't freeze over', 'This thing is still going' and it sends the message that it's not THAT big of a deal, despite how emotional you are. Walk away from a cheater and let him/her sulk in misery for having lost you and see if he/she does it again. Give a cheater that frightening space or SOME kind of healthy consequences so that they know it is NOT acceptable. The only way to REALLY deal with trusting a cheater is trusting that IF you give them another chance AND THEY BREAK that chance YOU WILL END IT. If you know that you love them too much and will negotiate with them again, then it will never work. You have to love & trust yourself enough to know that a second offense is not a slip up, it's taking a mile as opposed to an inch. If you want to trust a cheater who cheats on YOU the first time, you have to communicate and set the standards higher. First and foremost you have to find out WHY they did it. Not like theres a good reason to cheat but if your partner is feeling neglected enough to cheat, he/she might be trying to find happiness-- and that might mean deserting you. After you find out WHY they cheated, you have to PUT IT ALL on the table. If you are a person who has to know every detail, GET EVERY DETAIL. Deal with it. It'll make you sick to the stomach but ask questions, get all the information you can. NOTHING is off-limits. Even if it is a week-long debacle GET ALL OF YOUR QUESTIONS answered (and use them to your advantage of course). When you have gotten all of this information, swallowed your pride and decided that you still wish to continue the relationship-- BURY IT!! NEVER MENTION IT AGAIN-- not even when they are checking out that other person in front of you. Cheaters who are 'forgiven' but constantly reminded that they cheated at the drop of a hat are prone to cheat again. Some feel worthless and haven't forgiven themselves so are looking for another reason. All in all, lay it on the table and bury it. Love yourself enough to prevent a second offense. Trust yourself enough to end it before a 3rd offense. ANYTHING can be worked out with good old fashioned communication but it really depends on where you were BEFORE the cheating happened that will determine if you can make it through. If your relationship was falling apart and there was a lack of compromise/committment/respect, then tough luck. But if things were going well and there was a real & unbreakable bond in place already, there should be hope. But this is mainly about cheaters who cheat and truly regret it. Because serial cheaters know the game too well and are skilled at lying so that's a whole different story altogether. In that case, ask the right questions BEFORE you get involved.

Joined: 8/27/2006

Msg: 45 (view)

This girl has a girlfriend?? Posted: 4/11/2008 11:29:20 AM
Yes it's NORMAL for women to call their platonic female friends 'girlfriends'. It does not mean anything sexual. :P However, SOME of us are adults who date other grown women and are confident in our sexuality and therefore it can't be ruled out. Well, she's giving you the time of day so that means she likes you and either she's straight or Bi. If she hasn't told you, then either she's straight or she doesn't think it's necessary yet. If it's still puzzling you and you aren't sure by her comments to / interactions with other women or friends, then just ask her! You don't even have to be serious about it, just say something like 'girlfriend or GIRLFRIEND?' She might laugh it off but she should clear it up right then and you'll have your answer. ;) No sense in wondering.

Joined: 8/27/2006

Msg: 415 (view)

People that don't have~nor EVER want kids..what do you think? Posted: 4/11/2008 11:07:58 AM
I don't have kids yet but I would love to have them someday. Isn't procreation the purpose of life? Parents are lucky people. However I don't think people who don't want them are selfish. With alot of people, it's just timing. They aren't ready so they express no desire. But with those strictly not interested in parenting, I'm sure they have their reasons', some are dying, some are sick with genetic/passable diseases; these seem reason enough not to want to leave a kid alone in the world or have it born sick. What about the people who aren't confident in their parenting skills or who were abused and afraid they will have the same traits of their parents? Or people who have no hope for this world and would rather not chance their kid being hurt in it? Parenting is a lifetime thing. Even those commitment-phobes that just don't feel like being attached to another person for life, everybody has a reason. But you know, I dated a businessman before who said he didn't have them and didn't want them at all. His choice. So I never tried to change his mind. But one day I got gutsy and asked him why. His reason? He said that he had made a few foes getting to 'the top' and was afraid that someday someone would hurt them to hurt him. That shut me up.

Joined: 8/27/2006

Msg: 74 (view)

What makes a bad impression on a first date with you? Posted: 4/11/2008 10:46:41 AM
Definitely Bad breath -- across all boards. That's the end of it. When he/she has bad breath and is talking, it's hard to respond because I can only hold my breath for so long. Still if I know the person well, online for instance, I'll give them a second chance because MAYBE they were having an off-day or tried a new dish at lunch. Who knows?

Joined: 8/27/2006

Msg: 53 (view)

Hot and cold Posted: 3/22/2008 10:07:43 PM
It will sound gross, but depending on how old she was, she could have been on her cycle. Not every woman chooses to have her cycle nipped down to twice a year as a cop-out. For the sake of the women who do it like nature intends, always get back to a woman after a week. Think about it, that would explain her mood & why she wasn't better each day you checked on her. You might be wondering why she'd make plans if she knew it was coming. Probably more than you wanted to know but some women are irregular and I know ladies that have a really tough time with it. It's not the sort of thing we go around sharing with new guys we're interested in getting to know. ;) 1.) give her the benefit of the doubt. 2.) call and check on her. 3.) Tell her you'll try back in a week and wait a week. 4.)Follow through. I think she really was sick (busy with aunt flo). But other than that, she may have had a change of heart-- ex came into the picture, something you did turned her off, anything, no big deal. Plentyoffish.com in the sea! LOL.

Joined: 8/27/2006

Msg: 166 (view)

Has common sense been replaced by paranoia in online dating? Posted: 3/22/2008 9:37:50 PM
Are you confusing paranoia with caution? And I don't think it's just an online thing. Slight paranoia has spread to the offline masses as well. There are plenty of women without internet access that are just as careful when meeting a guy for a starbucks coffee for the first time. In this crazy world today where men are running over their gfs, women are chopping up their husbands and exs are blowing up schools of innocent students, can you blame them? I agree that it seems a bit much to be doing all of this checking-em-out stuff, but unfortunately, it is far to easy to be misled online. Not everyone is who they say they are. Anybody can buy a computer and get internet access-- including Leatherface. Chances are slim, but it can happen. Some people take advantage of the online anonymity. Just like you need your street smarts around town, you need your net smarts online. Sounds paranoid but many a body have come up in lakes because a woman was too trusting of someone she talked to forever and 'had a connection with'. Many a men have had their identities stolen because they fell for a scamming seductress. My advice for women is to not be afraid to investigate and others to not get offended when you are, unless you have something to hide. If you don't take your life & safety seriously, why should anyone else? Its so easy for a man to make a woman feel 'crazy' for checking him out. Isn't it always better safe than sorry? The meeting in a public place is common sense. The making an actual 'planned date'-- and telling a friend where you will be is smart. The background check is understandable. Continuous chatting-- reasonable. Why meet some guy you've only had 3 conversations with even if you have known him a year? Myspace-- slightly necessary if you REALLy need references. Googling-- depends. But usually won't find much unless he's a net-whore. Referencing exes-- a bit much. Paranoia would be: -Bringing a third wheel along. (as a surprise, not a double date) -Meeting at a police station. -Fingerprinting you. -Requesting samples of your saliva. Maybe you've had good experiences (great for you) but until you have an encounter with one of the psychos that everybody else is screening for, you'll probably always take it lightly. There is nothing wrong with being cautious (even overly cautious). Here is something I like to tell people. "People are only called paranoid if nothing tragic ever happens. When something does, they're called victims." Suggesting a woman 'chillax' and let her guard down, when meeting an online date for the first time is like telling her to willingly ride shotgun to the seedy motel at night--and without pepper spray. A woman needs to keep her smarts and if she is doing all of that, you shouldn't get offended or take it personally. It's not that she actually thinks you're a threat or a bad guy sending red flags, it's just that she doesn't KNOW that you're not! And if she lets you off the hook, she'll have to let everyone off the hook. And everybody knows that bad habits die hard. Give her a break.

Joined: 8/27/2006

Msg: 165 (view)

Disappearing Act - How Did You Feel? Posted: 3/22/2008 8:48:04 PM
I agree the disappearing act is a cowards way out! It is something I would not wish on an enemy. Unfortunately this morale kept me captive to a clingy man for years because he refused to accept the end of it. I couldn't disappear because I'm not a coward but when I tried to give him closure and end it, he would not take no for an answer. What to do, then?

Joined: 8/27/2006

Msg: 45 (view)

Moving to fast to soon!!!! Posted: 3/22/2008 8:03:56 PM
I forgot to mention about the crying part. Sounds like the EXACT same guy-- initials R.F??? If so, I can give you the scoop on what to expect! :P OP, I wasn't going to go into detail but what I was talking about in my last post was that I got suckered into a relationship against my will. He was manipulative. I told him I needed space and he cried and had what I call a hissy fit. He wouldn't let me go a day without talking to him on the phone-- he would call non-stop hour after hour until I picked up. Eventually I called him first to save myself the drama. I started doing what he wanted me to and I could not get out of his fairy tale. He went and told his family and friends that we were a couple and made me obligated to him because he had confessed to me when we first met that every woman he'd ever met had mistreated him or humiliated him in horrible ways. I'd promised him that I was not that kind of woman. So I had to hold up my end of the bargain. And every time he did something without telling me first (bragging to his friends, opening a CD, putting his house on the market, risking his job bc he wanted to move closer to me), he expected me to go along with it and not make a big deal out of it. Whenever I told him I didnt' feel the same and he was going too far he would get defensive and start crying that any other woman would love to have a man so devoted. The scary part is that I always had a soft spot for him. I didn't hate the man I just didn't love him and I questioned his sanity. It was hard for me to just walk away from him because I know how important closure is to me. But whenever I tried to 'break it off' in a decent way, he would cry and say that he would fight for the relationship. After a while I got really nasty with him to make him 'dump' me but he put up with everything. So not only was his insane but he was desperate too! There really was no way out, except to disappear which is something I am completely against (because it's happened to me). It was a nightmare. This is just the short version! OP do you want something like this to happen to you? The answer is NO. It will put you at his mercy or turn you into somebody that you are not. Either way it's bad stuff. I hope things are looking better for you two. Any updates?

Joined: 8/27/2006

Msg: 43 (view)

Moving to fast to soon!!!! Posted: 3/22/2008 7:32:37 PM
I agree with everyone who said RUN. Watch what he does in the next few weeks. He might have fallen too fast too hard but a sane individual knows their boundaries and and generally tries to avoid coming across as clingy. It's good that he is open and man enough to admit that he could have feelngs for you but let me tell you from experience that if you give him an inch he will take a mile. If you send him the signal that you are ok with his pace, then he will take it further and further and raise the stakes higher and higher. Trust me on this. I have a personal story about a man who latched on and wouldn't let go. If you like him a bit and want to go futher with him but not so fast, Tell him ASAP. See what his reaction is, if he's understanding and you can see a change afterwards, green light to go, he could be a keeper. BUT if he agrees and does not change OR he gets pissy about it then he may not have all his marbles and you'll be roped into the same thing that happened to me. Since this question sounds like the one I should have asked when I first met him, I'm gonna give you a bit of advice to save you from going through the terror that I did. The lesson I learned was this: If at any point you EVER feel obligated, RUN! When people move too fast and rush other people into doing things too soon, it's a way to make you vulnerable. If they can make you do something on their time and at their speed you won't be comfortable enough to assert yourself so you'll likely trust them. Over time they will start calling ALL the shots and taking initiatives that they shouldn't and before long, you will feel obligated to them based on these decisions that THEY made for you. I know it sounds silly but I have lived through it. And I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Again if at any point you ever feel obligated like you HAVE to stick around or you MUST do something, RUN, if you haven't already! Because they will FEED off of your kindness and tolerance and it only goes downhill from there.

Joined: 8/27/2006

Msg: 23 (view)

Interracial all the way.. Posted: 3/10/2008 1:20:37 AM
I have to agree on the whole IR dating in BatonRouge. I haven't dated a black man in years. Not because I didn't want to but because I refuse to date a racist. Just like I won't date a white man who is racist, neither will I date a black man who is one. Of course chances are they won't be wanting to date me either but that's besides the point. In fact, on dating in BR in general, I was very close to throwing in the towel altogether! There are tons of racist black men in BR that are against IR relationships when the woman is black and dating a white guy. I am tired of trying to filter them out from the non-racists. I much prefer black men from any other state than La. I tend to have alot of long distance relationships because of this dilemma. My problem is not attracting and dating an upstanding white guy but maintaining the relationship. No matter how good it's going down here, it's only a matter of time before other people start interfering and he gets either mistreated by his fellow white brothers and sisters or harassed by blacks. I guess I have this unrealistic belief that a man should be a man and not be so weak and fearful but I suppose non-verbal silent threats carry alot of weight. All in all, this place sucks and is backwards as all hell in general. Being an IR dater just adds to the misery. OP, keep dating WHO you like. Don't let other people's bigotry stop you from enjoying your own life. There's probably a lovely black man with his eyes on you that may be thinking the same thing that you do and not sure if you date IR. If people know you are IR-friendly then more guys will approach you but be careful you don't want the wrong kind of attention from the wrong people. Just casually mention your ex-boyfriend resembling (famous black celebrity) or taking you to (famous black-sponsored banquet) and you're sure to get some eyes in your direction. Just be careful not to fall for one that wants you for the wrong reason and be ready to put up with passing sneers & nasty rumors from people who don't agree with you (ALSO LOOK OUT FOR HATERS THAT WANT TO PULL YOU BACK TO THEIR SIDE). But you know what? Dealing with their BS is worth it. Because their opinions and rumors have no weight especially in comparison to the bliss you get from finally meeting Mr.Right. Good luck girl!

Joined: 8/27/2006

Msg: 247 (view)

Plentyoffish, Now with Flowers. Posted: 10/16/2006 5:46:55 PM
Oh and also it would help if the flower site itself had some $10 flower options on sale! LOLOL (and they could conceal the price to the receiver!) LOLOLOL. Some people would be feeling REALLY special when they get a couple of dozen from their admirers. 10 bux a pop aint bad. $30 is almost 2 hours pay.

Joined: 8/27/2006

Msg: 246 (view)

Plentyoffish, Now with Flowers. Posted: 10/16/2006 5:43:05 PM
Wow. This is super cool, but now just add some ways to earn points that convert to money to send flowers and you got it made! LOL . People are cheap especially to strangers! The conversion ratio could be realllly low too LIKE 100pts equal 1 dollar and chat for an hour and get 5 pts, post in forum get 1point, refer people, search etc... You'd get alot of activity and the cheapees would be working darn hard to send their special someone a bouquet! LOLOLOL! But I LOVE the real flowers option. I know who Im sending some to first. Once I get her to respond to me quicker. ;)

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