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 Author Thread: Some Success, but want an objective look
 xenolith23
Joined: 12/26/2010
Msg: 3 (view)
 
Some Success, but want an objective look
Posted: 7/25/2012 12:06:42 AM
I hate photos with sunglasses. There's something really irritating about them, maybe because they have an evasive or withholding quality. Also, I think the site maybe bans them. At any rate, they're not a good idea. Your main profile pic should show your eyes.

It's fascinating that you can operate a nuclear reactor! Very few people can say that. I think this should be your headline, not the rather meaningless one you have now. Maybe you can make a bit of a joke about it ... "Like Homer Simpson, I can operate a nuclear reactor, but hopefully I'm a bit better at it than he is. .." Or, maybe not. But definitely highlight this unique fact.
 xenolith23
Joined: 12/26/2010
Msg: 5 (view)
 
I need HELP!!!
Posted: 7/24/2012 11:49:59 PM
Yes, your having young kids probably does turn some off, but (trying to put a positive spin on it), those who are turned off are more than likely the self-involved or fussy types. I do think you might want to slightly deemphasize the kids in your profile. Not that you are hiding them; just don't have pictures with them. You should never have a picture of your child up anyway; not to be too dark here, but pedophiles do sometimes troll these sites and will write fake-interest letters to women with kids, just to have a chance to get access to them. So don't provide them with any kind of photos that might spark their interest. The only thing worse than a guy who does not want to date you because you have kids, is a guy who wants to date you because you have kids. I had a guy write me one time who totally glommed onto a photo I had posted of myself, with one of my kids very dimly in the background; the guy kept asking if that was my child and how old the child was. I immediately blocked him. There are some truly evil people out there and you have to err on the side of paranoia.

Don't want to scare you or turn you off fishing. Just be aware and you'll be fine.
 xenolith23
Joined: 12/26/2010
Msg: 3 (view)
 
I need HELP!!!
Posted: 7/24/2012 8:47:05 PM
Agree with both of the above suggestions. Responses are probably limited in part because you are not in a major urban area. Your local pool is probably fairly small. Your description of your interests is good and you sound lively. Being an RN is a plus and very appealing to most men. I liked that you are Bon Jovi freak, that's a fun fact. Have you tried finding men who share your love of the band, or any of your other interests? Put "Bon Jovi" or "Frank Sinatra" or "Wildcats" under your list of "Interests. " (If others on the site share that interest, it will be highlighted in blue. You click on it and voila, you get a list of people on POF who also love Bon Jovi)

Keep fishing, it's a numbers game. Good luck.
 xenolith23
Joined: 12/26/2010
Msg: 35 (view)
 
I could use a little constructive criticism. Thanks.
Posted: 7/24/2012 8:38:03 PM
I"m late to this parade, but viewing the profile today, it comes across as somewhat chilly. You don't seem affectionate. I'm not saying you're not; just that if you are, it's not coming across. Do you have any warm and fuzzy qualities you can highlight? Do you do any volunteer work, help out a neighbor, something like that? Even something like political activism or just donating to a political party would give more of an impression of someone who cares about others. Right now, you're coming across too cold, at least from my perspective.
 xenolith23
Joined: 12/26/2010
Msg: 5 (view)
 
Total honesty please...i got a hard ass, i can take it. :)
Posted: 7/24/2012 7:54:03 PM
I agree with the above; the shirtless pic is totally horrific. And the other pics are bad too. I would never guess from the pics that you have a master's degree in social work. It looks like you are some crackhead in a motel. I'm sorry, but that is the honest, non-hyperbolic truth. Your photos are SCARY.

By comparison, your profile text is not as bad, but it isn't good, either. Totally lose the whole "about me" paragraph in which you lecture us about how terrible the online dating world is and how you are such a rebel. Everyone has heard that a million times before. If you are sending out a resume for a job, you wouldn't send out a blank page with a defiant "Resumes are for pansies, man!" and expect to get a call back. The same holds true here. Yes, this is all about marketing, but that can't be helped. No one has ESP to guess how wonderful you are. You've got to play by the same rules we all do.

The next paragraph is which you list your qualities is slightly better, but not by much, because it's too abstract. It's useless to say things like you're loyal, blah blah because no one knows what that means. Everyone thinks they're loyal (or whatever.) It's better to say something like "I still bring flowers to my old piano teacher every year on her birthday," or whatever shows your qualities. Give examples of interests or actions that show rather than tell who you are.

Sorry to be so harsh in this critique but you did say you have a hard ass :) good luck.
 xenolith23
Joined: 12/26/2010
Msg: 20 (view)
 
Rate my Fabulous Profile!
Posted: 7/23/2012 10:59:46 PM
You need your rest, Ante?! What about improvise, adapt, and overcome? I expect a good bug-eatin' tale ASAP. Were the roaches an appetizer, main course, or dessert? Strangest thing thing I ever ate was jellyfish. Not much taste, but a predictably disagreeable texture.

In my excitement last night over the white doves and go-carts, I forgot to mention one thing that I thought rang oddly in Version 2.0: you make three separate statements about your unwillingness to engage in casual sex. One such proclamation is good (and I commend you for your continence, of course.) Two statements, a little excessive. Three--you're getting into Norman Bates territory and starting to sound frenzied about the whole thing, like you're having nightmares in which succubi set fire to your house and steal the lawnmower. I'd trim two out of three and just put "must not be seeking intimate encounters' into your mail settings. But really, are sex-mad hussies actually flooding your inbox? Well, just do like us girls do: block and delete. If only all life's problems were so simple ...
 xenolith23
Joined: 12/26/2010
Msg: 18 (view)
 
Rate my Fabulous Profile!
Posted: 7/22/2012 9:40:21 PM
OMG Ante, this is ten times better. You are funny! Who knew? Not us, prior to this stunning rewrite. You actually do have a glittering metamorphic strata! I adored the white doves. They hit me like a ton of bricks.

But you have eaten fire-roasted roaches, and this is NOT in your profile? Holy ultramafic rock! Again with the hiding of truly interesting facts! Why? Are you motivated by some principle of allocative efficiency to limit their release? I like that you haven't droned on with a slideshow of your travels ( as some do) but people want to know you've been to Morea. They just do. The childhood go-cart story was nicely crafted traumedy, but I have a feeling you have been in some adult-sized scrapes as well. High on my Hierarchy of Needs is hearing these. Just give us one tale of grown-up anarchy--she practically begged--and I may finally feel a much-needed sense of release. A Peak Experience for us both, Ante.

I admit I'm quite pleased you tried to hit Abraham Maslow in the head with a bat.
 xenolith23
Joined: 12/26/2010
Msg: 16 (view)
 
Rate my Fabulous Profile!
Posted: 7/21/2012 10:29:58 PM
Okay, Ante, it's all right to swim with dolphins should the whole thing happen serendipitiously--say, you're on a cruise and the drunken captain crashes the boat into a reef and you are four hundred miles off the coast of Bermuda. In that case, a dolphin is my new best friend. As for dogs and cats, I disagree that I'm enslaving them; they're enslaving me. There's a book called "Dog Sense" by an anthrozoologist named John Bradshaw, in which he argues that dogs are actually a kind of parasite, one which has figured out how to manipulate us into feeding them--large, furry roaches. If my dogs were my slaves, I'd be able to make them clean my house. No luck so far.

re: the problem with getting good 'action shots"--true, the most interesting things in my life have all happened off camera. That's why I'm a strong advocate of faking it. Ask a friend with a camera to punch you. If they love you, they will.

Kudos for adding 'former". I will sleep better tonight knowing that confusing present-tense sentence has been changed to its correct declension. My unquiet mind rested momentarily, but is now troubled by the new, curious bolding of "I argue like a girl". Also, I still hunger to know what this means.

I don't think morality is subjective, and I doubt you think so either. But if you actually do, you ought to add that to the profile.
 xenolith23
Joined: 12/26/2010
Msg: 13 (view)
 
Rate my Fabulous Profile!
Posted: 7/20/2012 10:43:43 PM
Well, I think your new headline is a real gem. All the geo-girlz will be after you now, yearning for a glance at your thrust fault and the chance for some magnetic coupling under a volcanic ejecta blanket. But siriusly Ante, if you are into things like astronomy, geology, and genetics, why not say so? Don't hide your glittering metamorphic structure under a dull sedimentary layer. Let your schist see the light. Agreed, you should not make your profile overlong (and, doubly agreed, no one should make one as long as mine) but I don't think you have a length problem, I think you have a blandness problem. I'd remove the parts that are overly abstract, and instead be more specific about your quirky intellectual interests, since apparently you've got em. These all help make you more real and 'juicy'. Sometimes the best way is to allow the reader to infer things, rather than directly tell them. If you say, "In my spare time, I like to read "The Journal of Astronomical History and Heritage", you won't have to tell them you have a high I.Q.:) And we are all breathlessly waiting to hear how exactly you argue like a girl. Recent example?

re: the Marines--I know that once a Marine, always a Marine, but I still think that sentence is needlessly confusing. Can't you say something like "I served X number of years with the Marines, and I'll always be one at heart." (or whatever bodily organ you think is forever a Devil Dog.:)

re: the photos--they certainly don't 'suck', they just don't do you justice. I would go for more boxing shots. A photo of a man punching stuff cannot fail to get more hits.

Please tell me you don't really swim with dolphins.
 xenolith23
Joined: 12/26/2010
Msg: 8 (view)
 
Rate my Fabulous Profile!
Posted: 7/20/2012 12:56:27 AM
You appear to be a very focused, organized, and logical person (which is good, of course.) The only downside to that is that your profile is almost a little too 'perfect' and comes across as somewhat generic or impersonal. Somehow, you have to get some 'funkiness' in there, and I admit I don't exactly know what I mean. Maybe some specific, real-life examples of things you've done recently, would give a more specific flavor of 'you'. Not just 'success stories', but maybe also some tales of times when you've fallen flat. When you're an accomplished person, it's good to be self-deprecating or tell a joke about yourself. Women find that combination very appealing. Another way to get the flavor of you might be quotes from books or movies you like, something like that. (not music lyrics, though--too cheesy.)

Also, although I can guess as to the kind of woman you're looking for, I think your profile is not specific enough about this. I mean, is it important to you that the woman be very athletic? Educated? A certain age? I sense you don't want to be impolite or hurt feelings by being too specific, but in this case, I think it would be better, because the truth is you probably have very high standards. It's better to state them clearly (but tactfully, of course.) Your headline is a wasted opportunity in this sense; you could use it to specifically 'call out' the kind of woman you're seeking (i.e. "Sudoku and Snowboard?" (or whatever. ) Something that speaks to the kind of traits you're looking for in a mate. Also, speaking personally, I hate boastful headlines. It's better to reference things you care about, your values or interests.

I agree that you need some less fuzzy photos. I like the shirtless photo (if you've got it, flaunt it) but it should never be your main photo (that comes across too sleazy.) Lastly, I didn't understand the "I'm an ANGLICO Marine" line, because aren't you currently in law enforcement? Also, I had to google ANGLICO. I understand your (understandable) pride, but I'd just say, "I'm a former Marine" and save the details for later.

Overall, a much better profile than average. Good luck. The care you're puttting into it speaks well of your intentions.
 xenolith23
Joined: 12/26/2010
Msg: 168 (view)
 
Atheism and Dating
Posted: 7/18/2012 12:09:26 AM
In my opinion there are two kinds of people in the world, and they aren't atheists and christians. There are people who care/wonder/think about the ultimate nature of reality, and who care/wonder/worry/hate the cruelty in the world, and in themselves. And there are people who don't care/wonder/worry about the ultimate nature of reality, and who never lie awake nights tormented with regret over the cruelties they themselves have added to the world. You will find people who call themselves 'atheists' or 'christians' in both groups. Although I follow Jesus and believe in his supernatural reality, I may at times feel more emotional commonality with some atheists, who can be very serious, modest, ethically concerned people. And I may dislike some 'christians', who are only using religious belief to bolster their egotism and self-satisfaction. Even this thread shows evidence that not all 'atheists' think alike. I've been interested by the number of people who've stated they wouldn't date either an 'atheist' or a 'christian'. Some of them are maybe hedonistic people who are uncomfortable with any kind of moral seriousness. Some may want to avoid those they see as too aggressive or pushy. But underlying all this is a person's way of responding to ultimate reality. I'd argue that it's really about two ways: avoidance or engagement. Risk-taking or not risk-taking. The way I see it, angry, hardcore atheists--people who argue aggressively that there is no God, and that people who believe in Him are fools--are at least people who are taking a spiritual risk, who are making an existential CHOICE. I can respect that. They are treating the topic with the commitment and seriousness it deserves. I honestly feel I have more in common with someone who calls themself 'atheist' than someone who vaguely refers to themself as 'spiritual but not religious', or someone who goes to church because that's what people in their family tradition do. As for OP: yes, you have to state upfront that you are an atheist, because it's clearly important to you. Otherwise you wouldn't have created this thread. Be honest about your core beliefs because no relationship can be successful if you don't share them.
 xenolith23
Joined: 12/26/2010
Msg: 103 (view)
 
Online dating working for you?
Posted: 7/17/2012 7:47:42 PM
No, it hasn't worked for me. I've actually gotten more dates from men I met in the wilderness while hiking, than I have from Internet sites, so that tells you something. As for why it hasn't worked ... good question. I don't discriminate on the basis of height or race, which should give me a better shot than most women. I'm not trying to date someone fifteen years younger. I'm not trying to find a rich man. I'm simply looking for someone more or less like me--my age give or take five or so years, my level of fitness and activity, intelligent and educated, sharing at least some of my interests. It hasn't happened. Most of my colossal failure is (I hope!) is due to my out of the way location in a resort town. Almost all the local men are over-65 retirees or gay men (or, over-65 gay men!) The few straight male locals my own age are usually nice enough guys, but very uneducated folks with whom it's hard to hold a five-minute conversation, let alone date. The emails I have exchanged with local men inevitably peter into polite nothings as we both realize we have nothing in common. I have (much) more in common with men a few hours away in urban areas, but my emails to them almost always are ignored. I'm guessing they also have a much larger dating pool to draw from and no doubt most hope they can do better--i.e. a woman who is younger, prettier, childless, and, of course, not a two-hour drive away. (in the long run, I doubt they can get that ten-years younger woman with no kids who lives right around the corner, but it's not my job to convince fools.) I don't receive 'dozens' of emails anymore since I blocked the 'less than fifty words' emails, which were invariably from twenty two year olds who want to have sex. Or, from men fifteen to twenty years older than me. Men shouldn't envy us those emails; they're no more flattering than Nigerian scam emails (and I get plenty of those too.) All, from my perspective, are basically from people who want to take something from me without offering anything of equal value. Yes, I feel burned out. I still keep my profile up because it doesn't cost me anything (other than annoyance and frustration and disappointment), because the pickings locally are non-existent, and because, well, you never know ....
 xenolith23
Joined: 12/26/2010
Msg: 5 (view)
 
A truly successful experience, with POF.
Posted: 7/12/2012 11:50:34 PM
I actually like the honest and authentic tone of this profile. I get a very real and honest vibe from you. I like that you discuss your memories and goals. You come across as focused, witty, and creative.
That said, I agree that you should break the text up into paragraphs so it reads more easily. Also, I agree that the pic you have as your main shot doesn't work well for your intro pictures. You need a nice head shot with no sunglasses. Don't hide your nice face. Don't be afraid to look sweet. Also, lose the pic of yourself with the two attractive young ladies. Even if they are your sisters, a man here should never post a photo of himself with an attractive woman. I will tell you straight up that no woman likes to see that in a profile; it sends a hint of a potential player. It's not that we expect you to have no women friends, but when you post photos of yourself with other women, it almost seems like you're flaunting how flirtatious you are or will be. It's too challenging and sets a wrong tone. Think, would you like a woman's profile if she posted pix of herself arm in arm with two handsome dudes? Don't go there. Bottom line, whether you're male or female, you want to come across as single and serious. Hope this helps. Good luck.
 xenolith23
Joined: 12/26/2010
Msg: 10 (view)
 
Please critique my profile... total Noob here
Posted: 7/12/2012 11:35:56 PM
I think the part about you enjoying cooking food over your backyard firepit is really unique and interesting--I liked the pix of the firepit, but even better would be a shot of you cooking the food, sharing it with friends, etc. If you don't have any shots like that, invite some friends over and cook for them and take some photos. You have a really good list of interests and the profile as it reads now is greatly improved. Good luck.
 xenolith23
Joined: 12/26/2010
Msg: 22 (view)
 
Am I wrong for this?
Posted: 2/10/2012 9:30:38 PM
re: Msg 20 -- "One chance in a million he might be a deviant"--what universe do you live in, DameRight?? I'd like to live there - cuz it sounds much nicer than the one the rest of us are stuck in--you know, the one where hundreds of thousands of women are raped every year, some of them by men they met off the Internet, and usually because the creep guilted them into thinking they were biatches if they 'didn't want to help a fellow out." Don't listen to her OP, trust your gut and not people who try to make you feel guilty for taking perfectly ordinary precautions to protect yourself.
 xenolith23
Joined: 12/26/2010
Msg: 70 (view)
 
Thank you for a lovely night. But I didn't feel any attraction. I am sorry.
Posted: 2/10/2012 4:51:59 PM
She didn't like you. She didn't actually have a lovely night; if she did, she would want to see you again. It's not a question of 'attraction' or what you physically look like. She didn't like spending time with you. End of story. Move on, or as PP said, you will now be a stalker. Is that what you want, to scare someone? Because if you contact her again, you will.
 xenolith23
Joined: 12/26/2010
Msg: 15 (view)
 
Am I wrong for this?
Posted: 2/10/2012 4:19:06 PM
I don't believe for a New York minute this is an issue of misunderstanding. I think this man is trying to manipulate OP by pretending to have 'misunderstood'. What normal person, male or female, thinks an Internet date is going to pick them up at their house and drive them to the movies? For a male to 'be under the impression' that a young woman is going to pick him up--a totally strange male-- and drive him around--seriously? I think it's all bull. There is no misunderstanding here; he's trying to get in her head and make her think she agree to something no sane woman would ever agree to. If you are in NYC, why can't he take public transportation? The bottom line here is: he tried to manipulate her into going to his house. Why?
 xenolith23
Joined: 12/26/2010
Msg: 11 (view)
 
Am I wrong for this?
Posted: 2/10/2012 4:10:39 PM
The issue isn't whether a man does or doesn't have a car. I have dated many men without cars. They took the bus or we met halfway; later on in our relationship I might give them rides. The issue here is that he was dishonest about it and tried to manipulate OP into picking him, a total stranger, up at his house. That's totally unsafe and very unreasonable and no thoughtful man (or woman, for that matter) would ask that. He's either stupid, lazy, and entitled, or he has actively bad intentions, ranging from seduction (at best) to rape.
 xenolith23
Joined: 12/26/2010
Msg: 8 (view)
 
Am I wrong for this?
Posted: 2/10/2012 3:56:44 PM
Your actions were 100 percent correct. His actions sound fishy, even predatory. I don't like at all that he was trying to get you to come to his house. Probably he's just a loser, but who knows, maybe he had seriously bad intentions. As Yamaha suggested, i think the only thing you need to work on is trusting your own judgements and intuitions. There are predators out there who use a young woman's tendency to doubt herself. Don't be scared to act strongly, or even to sometimes risk beingseen as " a rhymes-with-witch. " Yes you will get some blowback at times from people who have bad intentions and don't like you protecting yourself. They'll try to make you think you're crazy or mean. Who cares? Who cares what predatory people think or bad names they might call you? Of course they will try to get you to doubt yourself. Don't. Trust your instincts. You did the right thing and I commend you. Don't go anywhere non public with this guy. I don't like at all that he tried to make you think that YOU had misunderstood, trying to make you think that you had agreed to pick him up. That's classic predator behavior. Something doesn't ring right here. Be super careful if you do agree to meet him, even in public. If it were me, I would cancel the date. He's already blown it by being dishonest, and it's not worth the risk.
 xenolith23
Joined: 12/26/2010
Msg: 38 (view)
 
Speed dating - a confidence booster or a self-esteem destroyer?
Posted: 2/9/2012 10:46:43 PM
This is the second thread (that I've seen) from this OP in which he insists that he isn't very physically attractive (and that's why he's not getting dates or dating success, be it on POF or at speed-dating.) It's very odd and unintentionally almost humorous, because he's actually quite adequately handsome, at least judging by his photos. He keeps obsessing about how if only he were hotter, he'd be getting hotter girls. It's peculiar because usually you have men who are homely who are stubbornly unaware of that and are angered by their seemingly inexplicable inability to attract the tens they feel sure they deserve. Here we have a man of above-average attractiveness who seems stubbornly unaware that the problem is actually something else. What, I don't know--maybe his behavior, or being overly critical of others (i.e. it's not at all nice to say the 'shy Indian girl had a horror movie nose.") Whatever he needs, it's not to go on diet.
 xenolith23
Joined: 12/26/2010
Msg: 170 (view)
 
Who is right?
Posted: 2/8/2012 6:33:17 PM
She definitely should not marry this man. Many studies have shown there is a strong correlation between financial and emotional 'stinginess'. Once they are married, he won't just withhold rings from her; he will withold warmth and affection and sex. And if irrational stinginess is not the issue, then it's about control and dominance, as other posters have noted. Or, as another poster noted: if he really wanted to get married to her, he would have given her the ring. He may not truly want to get married. The 'best' case is that he's a stubborn, immature person who isn't very emotionally intelligent and is rigid in his views. None of these possibilities are good, at all. This is very serious and if she isn't ready to break up with him, she should insist they go to premarital counseling. If he won't go, for whatever reason--end it immediately.
 xenolith23
Joined: 12/26/2010
Msg: 27 (view)
 
Over the top?
Posted: 2/3/2012 11:27:36 PM
A poster above touched on this, but to go into more detail: I think the man spent this money on the nails etc. not because he was hoping to 'buy' you with this, but because he has a sexual fetish that involves 'dressing up' a woman. You don't mention him offering to buy you dinner, CD's, or other items you might want; rather it sounds like the money was spent solely on nails, piercing, and (he wanted to, at least) doing your hair. These are all fetishized activites for some men. In other words it wasn't about you; it was all about him. Bizarre as it sounds there are guys who have a thing about doing these grooming activities or watching as someone else does these things to a woman. I think for him watching you get your nails done or a piercing was arousing him. Very very weird, right? Understandably you maybe feel puzzled, creeped out and in a sense violated. Having a fetish is one thing, but involving another person in it without telling her (or him) is wrong. It's no wonder the actual sex was horrible (for you), because in a sense the majority of the sexual activity took place without you even knowing it, and really, without your consent. At any rate, that's MY theory. Interested to hear if others agree.?

Meanwhile, back at the ranch: I'm so sorry you ran into this creep. You deserve much better. Just be much more cautious next time. Take a breather and know that it was just bad luck; everyone runs into a nutcase from time to time. I've had my share
 xenolith23
Joined: 12/26/2010
Msg: 4 (view)
 
Negativity Proportional to Age? One week's worth of experience.
Posted: 2/2/2012 11:28:57 AM
I think the OP's theory is logical. As you get older, you inevitably collect more negative experiences, and the temptation to express bitterness or disappointment is hard to ward off. I haven't been collecting any 'data' sets so I can't say if it really is statistically true, but there does seem to be somewhat more negativity in the older men's profiles. I can't say if this is true in the female profiles as I don't read as many. I suspect older women feel every bit as bitter/negative, but I think women might be more 'politic' in hiding it--in other words, they understand better that expressing negativity is a big social turn-off.

Also--this probably will bring out some disagreement!- --'agreeableness' is one of those psychological traits that is higher is married people, and probably lower in older divorced people. Translation: if we were all good at being upbeat, cheery, co-operative, and empathetic toward others, we might not find ourselves divorced or never-married at midlife. : Yeah, some of us are the totally innocent victims of evil former spouses, but a fairly large percentage .... aren't. And that overall personal negativity, grumpiness, or social cluelessness shows up on the profiles.
 xenolith23
Joined: 12/26/2010
Msg: 58 (view)
 
second date...red flag disaster?
Posted: 2/1/2012 7:47:47 PM
She's a total nutcase. The only thing you've done 'wrong' OP is not protect yourself enough --be more assertive/set clear boundaries with people. Don't be passive. You sound super nice, but there's such a thing as setting yourself up to be a victim. This woman's behavior was clearly insane and probably criminal, and yet you're still questioning yourself--why?
 xenolith23
Joined: 12/26/2010
Msg: 38 (view)
 
Date within my league
Posted: 2/1/2012 7:40:06 PM
"Leagues" are real, alas. Many studies have shown that people consistently pair up with people most similar to them in education, age, attractiveness, intelligence, and race. However--imaginative people try to see a little beyond the brutally obvious, and gracious people phrase their rejections politely. Class and kindness are 'leagues' too. Sorry you had this ugly experience OP.
 xenolith23
Joined: 12/26/2010
Msg: 111 (view)
 
Should I settle?
Posted: 1/30/2012 6:48:02 PM
OP, I would say take some time by yourself or with a trusted friend and go deeper into what you're really looking for. I sense the car and roommate are not the true issue, but symbolize something important to you. I think you should clarify what your emotional needs are. Maybe it's important to you to feel cared for and safe because your childhood was insecure or you were abandoned. Or whatever it might be--I'm just talking theoretically. Get clear on the Character Traits you are looking for, is what I"m saying. The car/roommate thing is just a 'stand-in' for something you haven't yet clearly defined. Maybe it's important to you to be with someone with a high energy level similar to yours, and you dislike people who are passive or low-energy, and for you, the lack of a decent car/house symbolizes laziness. Or something else. I don't know, you have to determine what these images mean to you. Once you have that clarified, I think it will be much easier to find the 'right man'.
 xenolith23
Joined: 12/26/2010
Msg: 40 (view)
 
Dating Dilemma
Posted: 1/30/2012 6:19:12 PM
I agree with those who say to end it immediately and WITHOUT any discussion. All his actions make it abundantly clear he is not into you and is using you in a disrespectful and unpleasant way. Don't try to 'talk' to him as he'll deny or confuse you with further lies. End it immediately. You deserve and can find much better than this liar. Value yourself.
 xenolith23
Joined: 12/26/2010
Msg: 15 (view)
 
Insults as an Opener.
Posted: 1/27/2012 12:47:34 PM
Yes, I've had those insulting/put-down emails OP (btw, your user name is hilarious!) and I just ignore, delete, and block. Some are just stoopid guys trying it as a dumb technique (there is some idiot book that advocates insulting women as a way to get them to date you), some are cowards with low self-esteem who are too scared to write you a 'real' message, so they write a rude one--that way they can 'explain' away their rejection ("see! I knew she was a humorless b---!:) , and some are just creepy sadistic abusers who are sending out their slimy tentacles looking for their next victim. Either way, they're morons, losers, or villains, so just Delete and Block.
 xenolith23
Joined: 12/26/2010
Msg: 18 (view)
 
What about my profile is unappealing?
Posted: 1/26/2012 10:23:07 PM
I think the text sounds good--no red flags--but it's too flat/a little dull. A poster above mentioned adding more specific details about your interests and experiences and I agree with that. Also, your main profile pic is a bit flat in the same way--washed out, kind of boring background of the door. I know this sounds (probably very) weird, but I pay a lot of attention to the backgrounds in profile shots, because unintentionally it can tell you a lot about a person. Personally, I like to see a photo of a man outdoors because, well, it's more manly. Basically, I just think you need to add some spice or verve, a little saltiness, if you will. Good luck. You sound nice and smart. Keep at it.
 xenolith23
Joined: 12/26/2010
Msg: 2933 (view)
 
Internet dating: sucks for guys, good for women.
Posted: 1/26/2012 4:56:15 PM
It sucks for the "Grandpas" because they email women in their twenties and thirties and seriously expect a response back. It sucks for young women because they get hundreds of foolish emails and very few that are quality or age-appropriate. It sucks for the women over thirty five because men their age are busily sending silly useless emails to very young women, and ignore emails from women who are their own age or even (gasp!) a year or two older.

If men would accept the (demographic, social, physical) reality that they need to date women their own age, internet dating would suck much less for everyone.
 xenolith23
Joined: 12/26/2010
Msg: 6 (view)
 
What do you think?
Posted: 1/26/2012 4:32:40 PM
I agree that you have youth on your side and that helps. And I agree that most emails don't get responses--my response rate is low too. But I think there's a reality that racism could be impacting your response rate. A study by another dating site using a lot of their data showed that African-American women had the lowest response rate yet sent out the most emails to many types of men. That's really unfair. And a lot of men are missing out on some really cool women. But at least you know that it's not you personally. The loss truly is theirs.

Best bets are to search for common interests in profiles you like (i.e. you both like a certain band or movie) and try to mention/'hook' off that--see if you can get the guy to see you as an individual, not a stereotype. (So in your 'interests' section, be more specific about stuff you like, not generic.) Don't get discouraged and don't solely rely on online dating. You have a sweet, nice profile and seem bright, focused, and cute. You will surely find someone good with enough patience. Last thing: I don't like the photo you're currently using as your main shot, with the squeezed-up cleavage--it's 'trying too hard' if you know what I mean and will get you crude responses you don't want. I like some of the 'softer' shots of you as they have a sweet, pretty quality.
 xenolith23
Joined: 12/26/2010
Msg: 5 (view)
 
Frustrated with lack of responses. Need Profile Feedback!
Posted: 1/26/2012 4:20:46 PM
Agree with what above posters have said. There isn't really enough content to your profile, and the pole dancing bit is 'trying too hard' if you know what I mean. re: photos--I love the one of you dancing. I would lose the one with you and the two girls. This is the classic error of posting a photo of yourself next to someone who is (by conventional standards), super-hot (blonde, beach girl looks, etc.) You have a very different look (exotic, artsy) and it's not good to have a photo in which you're 'competing' with a different look. Happy fishing--you seem bright, striking, and cool.
 xenolith23
Joined: 12/26/2010
Msg: 19 (view)
 
Please review my profile, be honest plz
Posted: 1/26/2012 11:16:00 AM
Your profile is confusing to me, because on the one hand, you seem to be asking purely for sex, with the blatantly sexual profile photos, and saying you just want to taste the buffet, etc. (I don't approve, but I get it) but on the other, you seem to secretly almost have a serious intent or desire for a real relationship (talking about your interests, expressing your dislike of certain political stances, and last but not least, asking for a profile review.) What kind of responses are you wanting? Seriously--I'm not being snarky here--what are you wanting, that you're not getting? Who is emailing you and what is the problem with them? Too many, too few, or the type is wrong? I'm not expressing judgement, just confusion. I don't understand, and maybe others don't too. Help me understand better what you don't like about the responses you're getting, and then I can advise you.
 xenolith23
Joined: 12/26/2010
Msg: 20 (view)
 
What to do?
Posted: 1/26/2012 10:55:14 AM
I agree with posters who've said that what would make them uncomfortable is not the basement/no money thing, but the family enmeshment thing. I'd feel like there was no room for 'me' in this story, that I'd be getting into a family, not a relationship. It feels way too claustrophobic. Maybe your family is very cool and you're totally happy, in which case that's all right. But the fact that you've posted suggested that in fact you're not totally happy with this family thing, and that maybe you'd like some space, and that the way you are expressing it is with a concern that "this is going to ruin my dating life." But maybe what you're really saying is "this is going to ruin my life." I hereby give you permission to get an outside job and move out. It is healthy and legitimate for a young person to separate from his family. Even the bible says that a young person should leave his family and 'cleave unto another". This ancient wisdom acknowledges that adults can't succeed in marriage (and life) unless they've separated emotionally and physically from their parents. How can you do this from your mom's basement?
 xenolith23
Joined: 12/26/2010
Msg: 32 (view)
 
Stem cell research ban lifted.
Posted: 1/23/2012 10:16:50 PM
Leaving aside the moral issue of using embryonic fetal tissue, I'm much more troubled by the inevitable connection between stem cell research and genetic engineering. The two are closely intertwined, since, as I understand it, the technology for one enables the other. This is a profoundly serious issue. A very good book on this topic, from an envirnomentalist point of view, is Bill McKibben's "Enough". Reading it was 'enough' to make me opposed to funding stem cell research.
 xenolith23
Joined: 12/26/2010
Msg: 57 (view)
 
He filmed us on a secret webcam... what can i do?
Posted: 1/23/2012 5:52:29 PM
Don't know if this is for real, but giving OP the benefit of the doubt, I agree with those who say you should go to the police. You don't need to prove you didn't consent; he needs to prove you did. In other words, if you didn't sign a long legal paper, and he can't produce it, then he has acted illegally. End of story. You can't secretly film people without their consent, even if you've consented to sex. This is definitely illegal behavior and a form of sexual assault, just as "upskirt" shots on escalators are, or placing hidden cameras in locker rooms or bathrooms. People are arrested for these behaviors every day. Your voluntary sexual activity with this man is not the point. The point is your involuntary participation in a porn video which most likely will make its way into public view. Unless you want that go to the police ASAP.

As for the comments on your profile photos, those are irrelevant to your question. You didn't ask for a profile review. Posters should stick to the issue, IMHO.
 xenolith23
Joined: 12/26/2010
Msg: 20 (view)
 
Expiration date for women in Los Angeles?
Posted: 1/23/2012 2:57:53 PM
Silverlight: I do NOT think you're being too picky or picking bad guys. I lived in LA in my 30's and had the same problems. We're a bit similar (i.e. bohemian, non-traditional girlz) and that is a type that is not exactly in demand in LA. I thought the arts scene dudes there would be less superficial and "hollywood" in what they were looking for, but they weren't. I realized that people move to LA because they are ambitious and want to succeed, and success is what matters to them. They choose women the way they choose cars: how cool and successful it makes them look to others.

If you don't move, here's what I think you should do: stop spending time in the arts scene, and instead start volunteering at various political and social organizations. If you are at all religious, join a church, and if you're not, join an atheist organization. Join at least five groups and volunteer as many hours as humanly possible. Within three months you will have met a group of people who are by definition interested in others and not just driven by personal ambition. Yet they will still likely be an educated, arts-interested demographic. Also, it's true that artists have a higher rate of substance abuse. People who volunteer are usually fairly together. Will this work? I dunno, but it's the only thing that ever worked for me.

If you move, try Portland Oregon, Seattle, Missoula Montana, maybe Oakland (not San Francisco, too yuppified.) Maybe Taos. Check these places out first, of course! Maybe try couch-surfing.

Do Not Give Up! And don't start blaming yourself or overanalyzing what you're doing or listening to creeps you try to convince you it's all your fault. It isn't. You're exceptionally beautiful--not just pretty--and should and will find someone.
 xenolith23
Joined: 12/26/2010
Msg: 308 (view)
 
LYING ABOUT AGE ON DATING PROFILE!
Posted: 1/20/2012 10:05:21 PM
It seems to me the common theme of the female posters above is that the men lied about their age in order to (try to) get significantly younger partners--as in ten to fifteen years younger. Women lie about their age (it seems to me) in order to get partners who are their own (real) age. To me, those are two different things, morally, and I just can't join in condemning women who make that choice. They're being realistic, not dishonest. A recent study by another dating site (which some of you may have read, it got a lot of media play) showed that the vast majority of their male members spent all their search time on women much younger than themselves and virtually never responded to emails from women their own age. Yet in 'real life" most people end up partnered with people who are more or less their own age, so, presumably, it's the mere number that upsets men, not the actual reality. Given that 'realpolitik" I don't think it's surprising that women 'shave' years off their age--it's probably the only strategy that's going to work if you simply want to meet people your own age. As for men who lop off ten or fifteen years with the hope of meeting a woman twenty years younger: no, that's not going to work.
 xenolith23
Joined: 12/26/2010
Msg: 49 (view)
 
Does the reverse dating psychology work?
Posted: 1/20/2012 4:22:24 PM
I'm so glad this was posted as I have been puzzling over the occasional (once a month or so) 'insulting' email I receive. I always immediately delete and block, but wonder what the intention is. While some of it may be of the reverse psychology school, (i.e. just hoping it will get them a date) I personally think a lot of it is darker in its nature, and what is really happening is an abusive man sending out feelers,trying to find his next victim. I'm thick-skinned and can shrug off whatever the insult du jour is, but some women panic and start second-guessing themselves ("gosh! maybe I am fat/bossy/shrill/stupid/whatever." ) Then they respond and try to prove they're not that bad. This is different from what Charity described, which I would call simply a bit of good old-fashioned playing hard to get. That's fine. But once insults and put-downs come into play I think you are in darker territory. I once was in an ugly relationship like this until I wised up, realized I was in a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship, and got out. I think the disturbing truth is that there are sadists out there who simply enjoy making others feel bad. But here's my big question: does this phenomena--the insulting opening email--happen to men on here? Males, have you ever gotten an 'insulting' email?
 xenolith23
Joined: 12/26/2010
Msg: 2 (view)
 
Profile Critique, Much Appreciated
Posted: 1/18/2012 10:35:16 PM
Your photo is excellent. Nice, clear, a good shot. Add more photos of you doing stuff you enjoy. The profile is fine in its basics; you just need to add some specifics--what kind of sports, exactly, do you enjoy playing? What do you like to read, musicians you listen to, etc? These all help give people a sense of you. I don't think 'gamer' will turn most people off; in fact it might help you find another gamer! Always best to be upfront about who you are. "Gamer" is only a turn-off if it seems like that's the only thing you do. It's a nice profile and you sound and look nice. Good luck.
 xenolith23
Joined: 12/26/2010
Msg: 22 (view)
 
Just to confirm it's just the photos.
Posted: 1/17/2012 10:55:44 PM
Right now I think your profile is fine, and your photo (you only have one, currently) is more than fine--you're very good-looking-i.e. you are much better looking than average. I'd go so far as to call you hot, in fact. It sounds like you've been working on the profile and pix, and good for you for making it the best you can, but I wouldn't obsess over either much more. The fact is most people don't have much luck with online dating--the odds are only slightly better than winning the lottery. It's fun to try, but don't bet the farm or put too much mental energy into it. Bottom line, there is nothing wrong with your photo (or face) at all.
 xenolith23
Joined: 12/26/2010
Msg: 5 (view)
 
No idea what I'm doing wrong...
Posted: 1/17/2012 10:18:28 PM
I agree 100 percent with Prospek above. The problem is the photos. Not you, as you're quite attractive, but the way you've 'staged' yourself in the photos is very unappealing, almost deliberately so--flat indoor lighting, dull background, unsexy clothes, and last but not least, the dog. Although Prospek was harsh, he's right: you look like the stereotypical "lonely cat/dog lady." I"m not a dog hater (have four of them, myself) but big mistake to focus on them in your ad. Keep one pic of you and the dog, throw the rest out and get/take some photos of you OUTDOORS actively doing the stuff you mention enjoying, or indoors enjoying yourself with friends doing something fun or wacky. You sound like an intelligent and cultured and lively person, but your photos are really airless and dead. They have no fun or sexiness to them. I'm not suggesting you do a TA cleavage shot or something that's clearly unnatural for you--I can see you're a sophisticated and cultured person. I'm talking about letting your passion or silliness shine through. It's fine to mention you have a rescue dog, but lose the line about 'she's the love of my life"--that's super bad. Men hate lines like that and I don't blame them--no one wants to compete with a dog for your attention. They want to be the love of your life, right? I mean, imagine a guy who wrote "I love my beer" and included numerous photos of himself downing pints with his buddies. You wouldn't like that ad, right? So in conclusion: photos that showcase your unique fabulosity much more, and lose the dogginess. You sound very bright and are also very attractive, so don't lose heart. Show off more, work it girl! You too are a goddess!
 xenolith23
Joined: 12/26/2010
Msg: 15 (view)
 
Help! Barely getting any nibbles!
Posted: 1/17/2012 9:54:21 PM
I didn't see the earlier version, but this one is good. You sound bright and interesting. I'd make it a bit less generic by listing a few more specific interests--musicians you like, for instance. The only thing I'd take out is the bit about 'not being offended by bad language," etc. That sounds odd and might encourage weirdos to write you unpleasant things. If you've got a swearing problem yourself, I think that's a minor foible and not necessary to mention. Also, I would not mention the age of your child or his sex. Always avoid giving any specifics about your children's age or sex until you know the man well. (If a man who writes you asks those questions, don't write him back!!!! Avoid like the plague any man who shows much interest in your children--that's a very bad sign. Normal men aren't very interested in other people's kids. You have to be super careful. Pedophiles troll these sites. Horrific but true. Look for a man who seems willing to tolerate a kid--not one who is enthused. Enthusiasm is not normal. ) Finally, I think you really need more pictures. The two you have are cute, but you need some other pics showing you in other situations. The photos really are the most important part of the profile. Also, I don't think I would have as a main photo you wearing glasses if you don't wear them all the time.
 xenolith23
Joined: 12/26/2010
Msg: 2 (view)
 
Meh, might as well get reviewed.
Posted: 1/17/2012 9:28:13 PM
It's actually very charming and I don't think you need to change much of anything. I think you should add a little about the kind of woman you're looking for, though without getting too specific. Also, you definitely need to have a close up face-type shot. Make it a priority because the photo is crucial. The only thing I would change is a little about the "first date"--instead of stating "we'll go ice-skating, etc." I'd make it more along the lines of "we could go ice-skating or (another, different option.) I never like it when the guy lists some very specific plan for the first date because it sounds too controlling or even sort of creepy (although I'm sure you're not--I'm just saying it tends to sound bad when you have it all planned out. I like when a guy has ideas for dates, but I want to think he'll want to hear what I'd like to do, too.) You sound like a cool young man; good luck.
 xenolith23
Joined: 12/26/2010
Msg: 2 (view)
 
Lay it on me...
Posted: 1/17/2012 9:15:44 PM
This is actually a very good profile. You give specific, interesting tidbits of information, but not quite enough--which is good. Leave them wanting more. "Intriguing" actually applies to this ad. Only thing I don't like: three references to alcohol ("martini", "adult beverages", "warm beer".) Unless you're really an alcoholic (and, uh, not that there's anything wrong with that?) that's two references too many. For me, it would be a big red danger flag. It may seem like nitpicking, but women (by this time/age group) are constantly nervously scanning ads looking for tiny clues that suggest a Bad Man. To you it might be a once a week****ail; she hears "boozing every night." Mouse click. That's the main thing I find problematic. On a more minor note, I'd like to know a little something about your profession, since you actually have an interesting one. And, speaking of, I wouldn't describe myself as a 'professional" carnivore, since you're not. (somewhere, perhaps, there is a person who makes a living tasting meat, but you don't, right?)
 
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