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 Author Thread: How and when do you know when you're with the one you wanna settle down with?
 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 11 (view)
 
How and when do you know when you're with the one you wanna settle down with?
Posted: 11/20/2009 7:07:31 PM

(OP) He told me he really cares about me, but isn't sure if I'm the one he'll want to settle down with. He said he's not sure that I'm NOT the one, nor is he sure that I am, and he doesn't know what to do with that feeling.


He's not the one. If he was he would know.

While the conventional wisdom is one should seek a romantic relationship built on friendship they tend not to last. Many people subscribe to that and we hear about them splitting up and remaining friends. That's because that's all they were, friends. A romantic relationship is passion, desire, lust.....that "I want you!" feeling.

You've only been together eight months. You should be crawling all over each other not trying to determine if ones needs are being met. The only need to be met should be being together.

That craving to be together, that fervor, is what results in a couple spending time together doing activities, talking, planning......needs are being met on a continual basis.

As Central_Scrutinizer noted, "He's just not that into you."
 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 1391 (view)
 
So you want a second chance?
Posted: 11/18/2009 6:57:39 PM

(Msg 1390) I can't imagine that it would be better to stay in a relationship that causes you constant pain, insecurities, mistrust.


I agree. If the pain and insecurities, etc. were ongoing then the people have had their "second chances".

Going by the title "So you want a second chance?" I felt it referred to long term relationships that were going great and then, bang!, something happened. It's when people make a rash decision where I feel it's a mistake.

I think it's important one take a good look at the entire relationship. It's difficult to find the same comfort or familarity or contentment assuming they were there for an extended period of time. While forgiving isn't easy it's difficult to find that niche or "easiness" we all seek and I believe that leads to continued discontentment and, ultimately, bitterness.
 DAVE1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 397 (view)
 
Sex on a First Date - Does it Kill a Potential Relationship?
Posted: 11/15/2009 8:39:44 PM

(Msg 379) If we have sex with a man early on it doesn't mean we've done that before, or that we do it all the time. It means we really like YOU.



(Msg 383) True, but chances are, you didn't change your dating style just for that one guy... so, the odds are, yes you do have sex early on.... people usually follow the behaviour patterns they've had for a long time....


Yes, a woman may sleep with every guy on the first date but that's relatively rare. I think it's more likely she doesn't sleep with guys on the first date.

As for a dating style I don’t believe in that either. I definitely didn’t have a style. Every lady was different. If one was interested in sleeping with me on the first date my impression would be she found me quite interesting/attractive/ etc.

Also, it depends on ones definition of a first date. It could be anything from a bar room pickup to someone with whom one has exchanged numerous emails and phone calls over a period of time. In the latter case hopefully both people have learned enough to know whether or not they like each other.

As for determining if a relationship will follow that takes months. Or years, in some cases.
 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 1389 (view)
 
So you want a second chance?
Posted: 11/14/2009 6:32:11 PM

(Msg 1385) AS for throwing away a relationship and having to go thru another year to find someone else???? If the relationship don't work.why stay in the mess??


What I was referring to is some people feel it's relatively easy to find the "right" person. Often, it appears the ones who talk about not settling or advising others to wait for the one they can't live without or council kicking ones partner to the curb are people for whom a relationship is not a priority.

In other words it's ill-advised to suggest one end a relationship under the assumption they will find a better one. In most cases the choice is not between the present partner and a better partner. The choice is between the present partner and having no partner for an extended length of time.

For those who value the "couple lifestyle" there are many intangibles to be considered. Rather than concentrate on the one or two conflicts/differences/mistakes people are well advised to consider the benefits/enjoyment/ fulfillment they receive on a daily basis.

From what I've witnessed (blogs/forums/friends) the post break-up period ends up being more of a heartache than the cause of the break-up. That's definitely evident when a LTR/children are involved. From financial to emotional the change of lifestyle frequently results in big-time depression. Even for those who initiated the break-up the ego wars with reality. The after break-up struggles and loneliness take on a life of their own. The pain of the original transgression pales in light of the pain, day after day, caused by their unwillingness or inability to forgive and take a second chance.
 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 43 (view)
 
How much is too much?
Posted: 11/11/2009 10:26:29 AM

(OP) Was I pushing it? When is an unanswered call a sign? I'm 45 but still pretty new to all of this dating scene.


I know the feeling. You have to toughen up. I went through similar nonsense shortly after my divorce. Not being stood up but dealing with players or people who couldn't make up their mind. Always second guessing myself.

Should I call again? Did she get the message? Is her grandmother really dying?

I did learn relatively quickly considering my last dating experience was as a teenager. I realized I was dealing with older "teenagers".

Call and leave a message. After that, forget them.

When I was dating I had two gals contact me a week or so after first meeting. They questioned why I never contacted them again. I explained they appeared occupied or disinterested when we met. Of course they came up with an excuse.

I "regretfully" told them I had met someone and wished them the best.

Times have changed, ol' chap. If a gal is interested in you she will make it her business to get in touch with you. Don't get all tied up in the chase/game.
 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 29 (view)
 
Online Dating v Traditional Methods of Dating
Posted: 11/11/2009 10:03:52 AM

(OP) What are the advantages of online dating compared to the traditionl methods of dating??


Online dating allows one to ascertain an individual's desires. When dating the traditional way I don't recall anyone saying they were interested in strictly dating or a LTR or an activity partner.

Some folks enjoy dating but have little interest in actually sharing their life with someone in the sense of living together. If one pointedly asked it could be perceived as asking if they wanted to share lives with the person who is asking and it would be seen as rushing things.

I recall one lady wanting to have the first meet at an expensive, upscale establishment. When I outright declined and pushed for an explanation she told me she was an "older" student and couldn't afford to go out on the weekends. The "meets" were her way of going to places she couldn't afford.

I explained first meets were 15 or 20 minute get-togethers. Before the meeting we had exchanged numerous emails and phone calls. The meet was to determine attraction and always consisted of general conversation so as to avoid any unpleasantness. Upon returning home one would contact the other if interested in taking it further.

The traditional way involved asking people who may be already involved with someone. Also, other people usually were present which made broaching the subject uncomfortable. If a person wasn't interested they were put on the spot.

All in all online dating is (was) great. I met my partner through a dating service. It was determined before hand that if the chemistry was present the object was to ultimately combine lives. The uncertainty, the "stumbling" was eliminated. The chase, the game, was minimized.
 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 1383 (view)
 
So you want a second chance?
Posted: 11/6/2009 6:17:14 PM

(Msg 1380) I also respectfully disagree with the notion that you will not be truly happy with someone else until you are happy alone. Did it ever occur to anyone that some people just will never be happy alone? Personally, I think it is not normal to be alone> I hate it, always hated it and will never be happy alone...period.


Well said! In a way it's similar to people who desire a family. Couples who have problems conceiving spend thousands of dollars and feel their lives are "incomplete". We'd never think of saying, "You don't need children to make you happy. Learn to live alone."

Just as, in all likelihood, a person who longs to have children would make a better parent than someone who unexpecedly became pregnant someone who values the lifestyle of being part of a couple would make a better partner.

As for no second chances the world is full of people advising others to kick their partner to the curb. In most cases the one giving advice is constantly on the look-out for a partner themselves and the bitterness emanating from some posters is palpable.

Anyone who takes a look at poster's joining dates will see that finding someone compatible is not an easy task. It's wise to be aware that throwing away a relationship will most likely result in at least a year or more of searching.
 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 87 (view)
 
Does Sex Change How you feel ?
Posted: 10/29/2009 6:57:28 PM
RE: Msg 33:



Dave1234) The fact she had sex with me early results in my liking her more. Why? Because it means she likes me.


No it doesn't...all it means is, she was horny...and you were the best looking dude at closing time.


I was referring to a date, not a pick-up. The woman has already decided to spend time with me by going on a date. If she is also interested in sex surely she doesn't like me less.



I don't feel there are many women who have sex with guys they don't like.


You don't? Read a couple more threads.

Why do you suppose the abortion rate is what it is? Why did we 'need' to invent the morning after pill? hint: cuz' women have sex with guys they don't like, let alone want to reproduce with.


Bearing children has nothing to do with the degree of liking someone. My Ex and I were married five years (for a total of 13 years) before we had children. That was our choice. We were young and wanted to explore life together before starting a family.



The chances of it evolving into a LTR or ending up being a fling depends on the same things as any other date/relationship.


Hmm, possibly. I'd be curious to know what those 'same things' happen to be?


The main thing is sufficient chemistry. Just like the relationship I'm in now.

All people have to do is ask themselves, "Is the other person the most important thing in their life that they want?" If the answer is, "Yes", then a relationship will most likely develop and remain healthy.
 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 689 (view)
 
Why do men have affairs?
Posted: 10/27/2009 4:26:17 AM
"A recent study showed that the couples who were happiest and had the lowest divorce rate were those where the woman was at least five years younger than her husband -- and when she's better educated....

What's the key to remaining faithful? Pretty obvious: a decent amount of sex. Of the respondents, 44 percent said they had sex at least once a week and 32 percent are having it two to four times a month. Two percent of the couples, who are obviously a little more limber, are having sex every day."
http://www.lemondrop.com/2009/10/27/the-key-to-a-happy-marriage-a-younger-smarter-wife/?icid=webmail|wbml-aim|dl5|link3|http%3A%2F%2Fwww.lemondrop.com%2F2009%2F10%2F27%2Fthe-key-to-a-happy-marriage-a-younger-smarter-wife%2F

Is there anyone who didn't know that?
 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 114 (view)
 
Sex during your period?
Posted: 10/26/2009 8:09:21 PM

(Msg 24) My friend told me about the sea sponge...(google it)


Makes sense. " A sea sponge is a bottom-dwelling creature.." http://www.allthesea.com/Sea-Sponge.html
 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 53 (view)
 
How can i help him cum???
Posted: 10/26/2009 8:00:41 PM

(OP) My SO and i haven't been together long and the last time he got any was 2 years before me and........when ever we are in bed together we can go for hours and yet he just can't get there.......anyone have any tips or advice???


Assuming he's around your age (25) I'd say he has a problem. A male in his early 20's abstaining for 2 years raises a red flag.
 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 30 (view)
 
Does Sex Change How you feel ?
Posted: 10/26/2009 7:18:52 PM
(OP) My question is for men in their 30's and older, whether you had sex with the woman on date 1 or date 10, if you genuinely liked her does it matter ? Does that fact that she has sex with you early make you like her less ?


The fact she had sex with me early results in my liking her more. Why? Because it means she likes me.

I don't feel there are many women who have sex with guys they don't like. The chances of it evolving into a LTR or ending up being a fling depends on the same things as any other date/relationship.

(EDIT) P.S. Let's look at it from a logical point. She doesn't know if I'm "well hung". She doesn't now if I'm good in bed. The point being there has to be something she finds attractive other than sex because she doesn't know anything about things that relate directly to sex.
 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 27 (view)
 
Been there done that, what advice to you give to someone getting married?
Posted: 10/25/2009 3:41:33 AM

Now that you have been there and done that, marriage that is, what advice do you give to someone that is getting married? I know that people don't give advice normally to someone marrying for the second, third, etc. time around, but what advice do you give to first timers? Or do you just wish them good luck?


Every relationship has one thing at it's base. Your dentist......teeth. Your auto mechanic.... car. Your mail delivery person...... mail. Your golf partner.....golf.

Marriage is supposed to be a romantic relationship and a romantic relationship is sex. It's not about politics. It's not about enjoying scuba diving. It's not a culinary club. It's about sex.

Advice? Does the person have that "I want you!" feeling? Because that's what romantic relationships are all about. It's wanting the other person more than wanting anything else.

If their decision to marry is based on a person's job or family or activities or political persuasion or anything other than simply "I want you!" there will be problems down the road.

That subconscious feeling known as chemistry is what holds romantic relationships together. Is having that other person the most important thing in their life? If not, skip the marriage.
 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 30 (view)
 
Golden Bird Cage (ADVICE, YO!)
Posted: 10/24/2009 8:03:32 PM

(OP) what do u do when ur in a relationship where everything seems perfect from the outside. And really, you have everything that you always wanted but realize you're not happy. You feel trapped and in a sense you know you should get out of that relationship but if you have everything you ever wanted, does that mean that NOTHING will ever make you happy?


A common problem is people enter romantic relationships based on everything but romance. Whether it's a serious evaluation of an individual or simply seeking someone as a friend/buddy old fashioned chemistry has been ignored to the detriment of many.

When you say you have everything you always wanted that tells me chemistry wasn't the deciding factor. You probably had a mental list you checked off. Something like a tally sheet. A list of pros and cons.

Common views, enjoying similar activities, financial parity or above, how the person pets their dog........people tend to get sidetracked when choosing a partner.

The one thing necessary is to have that "I want you!" feeling. That is what holds romantic relationships together IF both people feel it, of course. If you have to think about it, search for it, take time to find it.......it's not there.

Considering you're 20 obvious the relationship is not a long term one. My suggestion is to move on. What you lack you will never find in that relationship. One does not seek a "I want you!" feeling. It's either there or it isn't. If your boyfirend of 25 isn't crawling all over you, with your permission, of course.........it's just not there.
 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 41 (view)
 
Let me try it again --
Posted: 10/24/2009 8:53:10 AM

(Msg 20) i get what u guys are saying regarding wash them and return. but i find that mean.


Mean would be washing, neatly folding, then lightly dusting them with itching powder. That would be mean!
 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 52 (view)
 
a young beautiful wife with a much older husband
Posted: 10/21/2009 6:07:59 PM

(OP) She also worries that if she gets older and her sex drive is getting stronger, her husband couldn't handle her and she would give in easily to the temptations of cheating. Any advice for her?
Btw she is 32 and he is 44 now and they have been together for 4 years and got married recently.


When I was 43 I married a gal 34. I'm now 57 and I don't have a "handling" problem. Thirteen years later and all it takes is a wink on her way to the bedroom.
 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 365 (view)
 
Sex on a First Date - Does it Kill a Potential Relationship?
Posted: 10/21/2009 5:18:12 PM

(Msg 360) While I understand what you mean a little better. I still see it this way....
How can she feel "he is the type of guy who would think that way"????
She doesn't know him... she can't "feel" one way or the other about him...? On a first date a man (or a woman) could represent themselves to be ANYBODY!


I was referring more to meeting people from dating sites. The emails. The phone calls. The initial meet-n-greet. Then the first date. Your following example is more like a pick-up.


Example: In some restaurants, the have a small goldfish-type bowl for businessmen to drop a business card. And each month, they empty the bowl and draw one card and offer a free lunch.... I know people who have grabbed a handful of cards from the bowl. They deliberately choose cards with a "home" and "work" number on them and a good "job" to impress the ladies.... Then when they go to a bar, they offer the card to a lady they meet. She sees a home number a name and a decent job... She figures the guy is on the up and up... I've often wondered how many innocent men have been in the dog house when some woman phones after a one night stand and speaks to the wife....


BTW, I could have used that tip 15 or so years ago.


I disagree, at least in my own experience... I've met many 'friends' and I have very few FRIENDS. My girlfriend is my BEST FRIEND. She says I am her best friend... we've been through a lot together and we have a real friendship, a lot in common, and a great sex life....
I've been in many relationship with women who were not friends as much as lovers and the differences in common interests etc, eventually killed it...


My experience has been the opposite. When I met my partner our differences included native language, religion, culture, education, income and a nine year age difference. Just the fact she was university educated with a high paying job and I was a nine year older, blue collar worker should have doomed the relationship before it started. However, the chemistry was so strong those differences didn't matter and they still don't 13 years later.

We've taken the best of her lifestyle and the best of mine and combined them. We're best friends because we like being in each other’s company. We do things together because we like being together.
 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 359 (view)
 
Sex on a First Date - Does it Kill a Potential Relationship?
Posted: 10/21/2009 7:31:15 AM

(Msg 349) That's because she's not trying to hold onto him, she's trying to see if he leaves... if he leaves and she hasn't had sex with him, she's ahead... If he stays and wants her for a relationship then she wins....and so does he...


I think you may have misunderstood my post. I was not suggesting the gal should go to bed with the guy believing that if she doesn't he will leave. My point is if she wants to go to bed with him and doesn't, believing he will think negatively towards her, why would she want to see him again? If he makes the move and she stops him, believing he will think badly of her, she will never know for sure if he is like that.

I want to repeat I'm not suggesting she go to bed with him if she isn't into it. What I am wondering is if she is into it but declines because she feels he is the type of guy who would think that way why would she continue to see him? Would she want to be with a man who would treat women that way?

Newguy1121, msg 350, sums it up perfectly with,
Waiting around and playing games with your own feelings is a dangerous thing.


All too often people repress their natural feelings and lose out because as they repress those feelings they act differently giving the impression they aren’t really interested. (More on this below.)

Verityone, msg 351, also makes a salient point.
A foundation built on strong "chemistry" is often much stronger that one built on "friendship"quality of the relationship.


Exactly. That’s why Percy Sledge sang,
“When a man loves a woman…..
(He would)Turn his back on his best friend
If he put her down.”

This idea of friendship, of liking mutual activities and holding similar views and other qualities associated with a friendship, results in so many relationships failing. If friendship is the foundation of the relationship then once the friendship qualities change the relationship ends.

As we go through life we befriend multiple people. As we age we change our interests and, thus, our friends. That’s why we hear about couples splitting and remaining friends. That’s all they were, friends. There was no emotional or chemistry connection.

If a conscious, “rational” decision is the criteria used to establish a relationship then the same will be necessary to maintain it. One or both will be constantly evaluating the relationship.

On the other hand chemistry can not be evaluated. The attraction is either there or it isn’t. It’s like trying to evaluate why a person likes a certain color.

Another thing that is seldom mentioned is the postponing of sex does not always mean one feels a strong attraction but wants to be sure the other person is a decent individual. In more than a few cases the person is searching for chemistry or attraction. So when a guy leaves after X amount of days/dates without sex having taken place he's not leaving because of no sex, per se. He's leaving because of what that represents which touches on what Newguy1121 wrote in msg 350.

If one is declining sex without giving a specific reason then it's logical to conclude the person just isn't interested. That means there's no chemistry/attraction. Therefore, the other party leaves. It does not mean sex was all they were interested in. It means they've concluded sex isn't what the other person is interested in.

That's why, as Newguy wrote,
Waiting around and playing games with your own feelings is a dangerous thing.
 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 348 (view)
 
Sex on a First Date - Does it Kill a Potential Relationship?
Posted: 10/20/2009 5:33:25 PM
If a gal believes a guy will think her a slut if she sleeps with him on the first date wouldn't she want to know that?

I think it's safe to assume a woman will not sleep with a guy on the first date unless she's really into him. In other words I don't believe there are women who will sleep with a guy on the first date because she's afraid he will never see her again if she doesn't. Either she isn't all that fired up or she may feel he will think negatively about her if she does.

So, logically speaking, if a guy tries to bed a gal and the gal goes along and the guy dumps her isn't she better off knowing that about the guy? Stated another way wouldn't a gal want to know if the guy she is considering entering into a relationship with is the type of guy who would lure a gal into bed and then think her a tramp? Who would want such a person as a partner?

Consider the following scenario. The guy is trying to lure the gal into bed. The gal is thinking, "He's trying to lure me into bed but he'll probably think I'm a slut so I'll hold out a while longer because I like him and don't want him to think bad of me."

Questions. Why would a gal want such a guy? If that is a concern of hers what is she doing with him? Why would she want him?

I'm afraid the logic escapes me.
 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 36 (view)
 
Men's thinking about sex, money and relationships???
Posted: 10/13/2009 6:18:21 AM

(OP) Don't you know by now that sex doesn't determine the relationship, it just enhances it, brings you two closer to each other?


Sex is referred to as “making love” because it “makes” love. It is giving/sharing ones body with their partner. What other act shows more trust?


Why do men use the basis of sex to determine their whole outlook on what they will and will not do for and with their partner?


Why? Because what is easier to do for ones partner? If one feels sex is too much trouble, too bothersome, it is doubtful they will do anything for their partner. The expression, “I’m not in the mood” is frequently associated with sex. Imagine asking your partner to do something for you and they reply, “I’m not in the mood” and no explanation follows. Who would tolerate that? Can you think of a more selfish reply?


(Msg 12) If people actually took the time to get to know someone, and not build the relationship soley on sex, there might not be so many divorces or unhappy people.


When it takes a length of time to know someone before having sex it means the person taking the time is not into the other individual. They are seeking the connection, the chemistry. That is why relationships do not last today. People are seeking a pal, a buddy, instead of a lover.

It’s like people can’t remember what chemistry is about. Did they never have a high school crush? Their first girlfriend/boyfriend? Do they not recall how they felt? While ones actions temper with age that same feeling should be there. It wasn’t a feeling one had to search for.


(Msg 14) Sex and money are the biggest issues couples face. But the majority of it is the sex, getting it or not. When couples can not commuicate about sex, especially if there is a lack of it, they tend to argue a lot more about the other issues that come about in a relationship.


Of course. No sex results in cranky people. Also, as I mentioned previously, refusal is usually based on nothing but selfishness. Unless there is a copy of the Kama Sutra on the night stand “regular” sex is not all that demanding.


(Msg 15) I never said it was just a supplement, that is your interpretation of my statement. It is a fundamental part of a relationship, but in your thinking, it is the basis of the relationship. As I said, intimacy enchances the relationship, it is not the sole basis of the relationship.


Sex is the one thing that is unique to a romantic relationship. If it is not the basis of a romantic relationship why do people get so upset when their partner has sex with someone else? Why do people downplay the importance of sex when an affair puts sex right at the top of the list?


(Msg 15) If the sex stops, the relationship didnt' faulter just because of the sex, it stopped for a reason, and only way to find out is to be honest and communicate and understand what your partner is going through, and the more you understand her issues, the more you can understand the sexual issues and work on them together, not just ignore it, fight about not having enough sex etc...


But the relationship will falter due to a lack of sex. Sex is “making” love. More often than not it starts out by one partner being too tired or too busy or simply “not in the mood”. Unless they’re “turned on” they simply ignore sex. Their priority changes. As the sex decreases the partners slowly grow apart.

The point is sex is not an option. It is not the “icing on the cake”. It is not something one does just when in the mood. It is a vital activity necessary for the proper functioning of a romantic relationship.

Shortly after my partner and I met she asked what I wanted/expected from a relationship. I immediately answered, “Sex!” We both laughed and she said she couldn’t see that being a problem. I countered that it wasn’t a problem now as we had just met. I was talking about 5 or 10 years down the road.

I explained that sex was important even when it wasn’t mind blowing. It wasn’t something a couple did just when “in the mood”. It was nourishment for a romantic relationship. It was a necessity.

That was 13 years ago and we’re still together. I remember a day this summer when she left the living room, started walking down the hall past my office, winked and continued on to the bedroom.

I remember a few weeks ago when I was sweeping up the grass clippings in the driveway and she was standing in the garage in her housecoat. She wanted to talk to me but didn’t want the neighbors to see she was not properly dressed so I laid the broom and shovel down and went to inquire what she wanted.

When I approached the garage she said, “I’m going to have a shower now. Do you want to join me?”

That, IMO, is what a romantic relationship is all about. The following 90 or so minutes added more substance to the relationship than all the fancy dinners, the gifts, the conversations…….

That is what bonds romantic partners. That is what brings both people back to the time they first met. That is what stirs the feelings. That is the indispensible part of a romantic relationship. That is the importance of sex.
 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 11 (view)
 
Men's attitude/acceptance of women who are more successful
Posted: 10/11/2009 7:12:47 AM
My feeling is that while men give lip-service to liking a woman who is more successful than them, the majority couldn't stand it. I suspect most men would secretly feel emasculated and resentful.


I have never felt that way. I, a blue collar worker, met and eventually married a gal who not only had 5 years of university and a high paying job but was 9 years younger. We're still married 13 years later.

I never understood men who would have a negative feeling about being with a successful woman especially if they have plans for a long term relationship. As a couple the man would benefit.

The b!tchiness or controlling factor is a non-issue as one sets the ground rules from the beginning. Besides, being educated in one field does not mean the person is educated in everything. Their opinion on matters related to their education may hold more validity but other matters are equal.

In my case, as time passed, I invested in Real Estate being able due to my partner holding up her financial obligations. The housing market boomed, I sold, my partner left her job to start her own business, I retired and guess who now makes the greater income.

The world is full of stories about people losing good jobs. Financial success is not how much a person makes at a job. It's how much they have in the bank. Their net worth. Far too often one loses their job and they can't maintain their present lifestyle. They live in a big house and drive a fancy car but own nothing.

I suspect those who are resentful of their partner earning more are just as resentful of their neighbor and co-worker and family members who may earn more. Just a case of greed and ego.

EDIT: The URL is http://moxieblog.typepad.com/and_thats_why_youre_singl/2009/08/why-men-dont-date-bitches.html
 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 25 (view)
 
Her busy Schedule
Posted: 10/10/2009 6:45:45 PM

I'm been approached on line (& off) by ladies who seem interested in getting to know me & or dating. But their schedules are so busy, be it 2 jobs (or more) or job and further education, or job & volunteering etc.....................How many people have experienced this situation & how did you handle it?


For the first time I'd suggest meeting them for a drink after work. If they were too busy for that what about meeting Saturday morning on their way to the grocery store. Surely they had 15 or 20 minutes for a coffee Saturday morning.

The excuse I sometimes heard was they wanted to "prepare" for the date but I explained it wasn't a date. It wasn't unusual for some to plan a date with the idea they would be enjoying themselves even if they had absolutely no interest in whom they were with.

On one occasion a lady insisted the first meeting be dinner on a Saturday night. After I outright refused I asked her why she was so adamant about it. Realizing I wasn't going to change my mind she finally came clean. She told me she was an adult student and, as such, couldn't afford to go out on the weekends so she set first meetings for weekends thereby being able to go out and not having to spend money she didn't have.

One time I met a lady with two young children, 7 & 8. We met for about an hour one evening during the week while her mother baby-sat. We hit it off.

During the following week we discussed how we could plan future dates. She explained that her children would occasionally spend a night or two at their grandparents (her parents).

That week and the following we chatted on the phone and she made plans for her children to spend the weekend with their grandparents. That gave us Friday evening until Sunday afternoon. She stayed at my place in the spare room and we learned a lot about each other. After that it was all clear sailing.

If one is interested they make time.
 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 1374 (view)
 
So you want a second chance?
Posted: 10/8/2009 7:07:35 PM

(Msg 1371) Whoa, sport. If you can't be happy all by yourself, then you certainly cannot be happy with somebody else. Looking for someone else to make you happy is a sure-fire way to be let down in the future. There are hundreds of posts in this forum that will prove this point out.


I totally disagree.

Assuming you work for someone would you be just as happy being unemployed and on welfare? The great majority of people are happier having an boss (employer) than not.

Living as a couple is a way of life and that's what's important to find out about any prospective partner. Do they enjoy that lifestyle?

The same can be said about people who want children. Why would someone feel something is missing if they don't have children? Can't they be happy by themselves?

Who is going to make the better parent; the one who truly desires children or the person who doesn't care one way or the other?

Who is going to make the better partner; one who enjoys life as a couple or one who is just as happy living alone?
 DAVE1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 16 (view)
 
Is it a good idea to date other women to keep your mind off of one specific woman?
Posted: 10/7/2009 8:08:22 PM
Seems perfectly logical to me for two reasons.

First, you state, "I'm not saying that I am using these girls, because if they are a great person and we click I would weigh the options" and second, as other posters have opined you'll probably never be more than a friend.

When saying "let's be friends first" the person is telling you that they are not all that into you. They are seeking the connection. The chemistry. Obviously, if the connection/chemistry was there you would be "friends". The person would want to be with you as often as they could.

Do you really want to be with someone who isn't sure? Do you want to be with someone who required time to evaluate you?
 DAVE1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 40 (view)
 
Young engaged woman needs advice...
Posted: 10/7/2009 7:43:28 PM

(OP) Like I said earlier, I am definitely not using this forum as a way to make a decision. Just curious, as it is difficult to imagine “forever” at 23. Just want some "older" opinions! Thanks!


I have to agree with Wazhiz, msg 31.
I'm going against everyone. The good out ways the bad. His negatives are things he will out grow. But those positives will last forever. You two love each other, he treats you well, he likes kids & his family, he makes you light up & the man is smart & educated too. Dang I am jealous. Don't let this one get away sweety. Marry him & keep reminding yourself of his positive traits. You are lucky!


Justagirl, I think it's important to remember that up until the last 40 or so years young couples who had been together for five years usually had a family. Picture, if you will, having a home and a couple of children. What would you be doing?

I get the impression you are bored, for lack of a better word. While your boyfriend needs to lose weight I think that will happen once you are married and have a family. You will both be active raising children and looking after a home and as Washis notes he does possess the qualities of a good husband and father.

As for sex I'm sure you can spice things up. Just subtle things like making the first move. Maybe wear the occasional negligée.

Most important you wrote,
I love him. I LIGHT up when I hear his voice on the phone.


While the selection of mates looks good on here at first glance take note of when people joined. It's easy to kick someone to the curb but not so easy to replace them. Don't make the mistake of thinking a buddy or pal or "friend" is superior to what you have. Relationships based on that don't last. Once people change, which we all do, those who entered a relationship based on "friendship" leave and move on to the next "friend".

I suggest you carefully consider what you want. There are plenty of "good time" folks around. If you're considering a more traditional lifestyle, a home and children, I'd say you have a great base upon which to build.
 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 1367 (view)
 
So you want a second chance?
Posted: 10/7/2009 6:13:00 AM

(Msg 1366) Part of me is stilll angry and hurt at the way that he treated me. But another part acknowledges that until the end we were happy - and we *both* made mistakes: our break up wasn't entirely his fault.


What can you lose by trying again, by investing a few extra months in a relationship that, overall, worked well for you?

Sit down with him and tell him what's bothering you. Tell him why you're angry and hurt.

You have a choice. You can discuss the anger and hurt, overcome it and regain what you lost. Or you can spend the next 2 or 3 or 4 years searching for someone until you convince yourself that being alone is just great knowing deep down inside all you'll be doing is lying to yourself.

If being alone was so great dating services wouldn't be springing up on line. People wouldn't be getting in line to pay money every month just to meet people. I suspect even the most jaded have a secret wish they could meet someone. Otherwise, why are they spending time and money looking? (Just for the record this does not apply to me as I make it clear I am married.)

Ego has been the downfall of many wo/men. Be careful not to fall victim to it.
 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 1365 (view)
 
So you want a second chance?
Posted: 10/6/2009 8:27:21 PM
Every so often I drop by this thread and it never fails to surprise me how far some people will go to rationalize their anger and add to their resentment.

The reason it's so difficult to uphold the no contact is because it goes against ones inner feelings/emotions/beliefs/desires. Simply put, it's unnatural.

If one is feeling they still want to give their partner a second chance there must be a damn good reason but we live in a society where misery loves company. There's never a shortage of folks screaming, "Dump him/her!"

It's like divorce. An affair will occur and the aggrieved party starts out on the road to virtual self-destruction. Their "friends" encourage them to dump their partner but where are the "friends" when the person is sitting at home alone? Where are the "friends" when one realizes the household income has been cut in half? Where are the friends when their children ask the whereabouts of mommy/daddy?

Well, we know where a lot of the friends are. They're on dating services seeking a companion after having told you that you didn't need the companion you had. They are on dates hoping that, after having spent years searching, this time they will be successful in finding "the one" after having told you how great it is to be alone and being able to "find oneself".

So many divorces end up being bitter not because of the initial affair but due to the actions taken and the circumstances that followed. The loneliness. The shortage of money. The children acting out. Their ego being so big they just couldn't live with their "friends" knowing they forgave their partner.

That is the tragedy which so often occurs.
 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 30 (view)
 
What Are the Fundamental Tools of Building Emotional and Mental Intimacy?
Posted: 10/6/2009 7:25:46 PM

(OP) This thread was started in the hopes that this community would share your collective wisdom on the basic building blocks of emotional and mental intimacy.


I'll start with what isn't a building block.


(OP) When I married my husband, I made the mistake of confusing friendship with intimacy.


Unfortunately, many people have a distorted view of the value of friendship when it comes to romantic relationships. This is evident from reading the profiles. While you have realized the mistake many continue to seek a friend. Some even say it's the basis for a romantic relationship which couldn't be further from the truth.

Up until the late 60s/early 70s men and women never did the same things. While the emerging equality was definitely a good thing I feel people started evaluating partners on friendship qualities (similar activities, holding similar views, etc) as opposed to chemistry or that "I want you!" feeling.


If you have an issue about the sexual part of this equation, please share it, but be aware that this OP is just going to take the concept of good sex for granted because that's my personal experience.


I have to say I've never had great sex if/when a relationship was deteriorating so I find it unusual to take it for granted.

You wrote,
Big things, little things, celebrations, disappointments, acceptance, tragedy, joy, weariness, you name it. This is the life we have and it's not always what we expected but we face it together. I have come to identify this as something I want and need in my life.


I assume you are saying those things are what you consider intimacy. I believe if two people love each other those things will matter to the other, however, I don't follow what you mean by,
As the years went by, I came to understand that I really was unaware of how he felt about a lot of issues and by the time I realized we had a problem, he found it difficult to change the pattern of communication we had established.


Are you saying you feel he didn't care about how things personally affected you or are you talking about life, in general?

The reason I ask is I see a romantic relationship as a "family" type relationship rather than a "friendship" type relationship. By that I mean the way we relate to family members is not contingent on their views and activities. The obvious example is how we relate to our parents and children. We most likely hold differing views and enjoy different activities but that doesn't have a bearing on our relationship with them.

The opposite dynamic is at work with friendships. Our liking them is based almost solely on how much they are like us. When romantic relationships are "friendship" based they seldom last because we change our views and activities as we age.

To sum up I feel that by people "wanting it all", meaning a lover and a buddy/pal, they end up with nothing. If the passion and desire and the "I want you!" feeling is strong enough the emotional and mental intimacy will naturally be there.

Simply stated, the feeling I experience making love with my partner overrides any other feeling so I conclude we must be emotionally and mentally connected. At least in the ways that are important.
 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 52 (view)
 
Why are we in such a hurry?
Posted: 10/4/2009 8:23:28 PM
Why are we in such a hurry?

When I was dating I saw it as, "What is the hold-up? Why the delay?"

I suppose it depends on how a person views a romantic relationship. Frequently I'll read profiles stating something along the line of "seeking someone to join me on my journey" or "seeking someone to add to my life."

For me, a romantic relationship is integral to my life. My partner is not an addition.

An analogy of sorts would be a person seeking a job. While a job may not be a person's life it's definitely a major part. Just as an unemployed person would be wanting a job and looking forward to building a life (for example: saving money to buy a home and taking vacations), I see a relationship as the starting point to building a (new) life.

IMO, when one goes slow it means the chemistry is not there. They are seeking it. Why else would they need to take a length of time getting to know the other person? Is it really that difficult to know someone? And what is so important to know?

I believe one can readily determine the main things about a person (how they handle finances, how they interact socially, etc) so the question becomes what little quirks would override the chemistry, assuming there is chemistry? Simply stated, on what obscure things would the relationship be conditional upon?

That brings me to my final point. The trend seems to be people are seeking a pal or buddy as opposed to a romantic partner. "Must enjoy certain activities." "Must hold similar political views." Things one would associate with a friendship.

The problem being we all change our views and interests as we age (grow ?) which dooms any relationship based on those things. I believe that's why it's not uncommon for couples to split when differences arise but still remain, somewhat, friends. That's really all they were. IMO, there wasn't the passion/emotion/chemistry that's required for a romantic relationship. That's why it's easy to say, "Next!", and move on.
 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 47 (view)
 
Casual Relationships...... Can they work????
Posted: 10/1/2009 7:45:08 PM

(OP) Recently ive gotten to know a really nice fella and met him too, since we've met he's decided he only wants a casual relationship which includes sex. Am i too old fashioned to think that he's just taking advantage??? ive not dated for a long time and to me its wrong... whats everyone elses opinion????


Let's try an analogy. Let's say "Mary" enjoys getting together with her friends once a month for lady's night out. One of her friends is, according to Mary, a "loose" woman. She'll have a few drinks, lead a few men on and quite possibly take a good one home. Mary would never do that but Mary does enjoy watching her friend's interaction with men. She finds her friend's put down of men to be funny and she finds her friend's bold and direct interaction to be entertaining. Thus, Mary and that particular lady are friends.

That is similar to a FWB relationship. Two people getting together for sex but knowing they are not suited for a permanent relationship, for whatever reason. Just as Mary gets enjoyment from meeting up with her friend occasionally but finds certain things about her friend to be objectionable the same usually occurs with a FWB situation.

Maybe one enjoys terrific sex with an individual but finds the person excruciatingly boring outside the bedroom or finds the person's views towards other individuals to be uncaring and callus or sees the individual as immature.

The point is friendships are often based on individual things. For example, ones golfing buddy is based on the fact they golf. As others have mentioned if sex is currently lacking in your life a FWB can be the perfect solution.

It's like a person who enjoys card games. After a while playing solitaire gets boring.
 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 68 (view)
 
Please help me understand this man ! Please give advices ! This man has been in and out of my life
Posted: 10/1/2009 6:55:25 AM

(Msg 55) All I want is a man who have similar qualities with me in term of education and career . I didn't jump into bed with him right away because I wanted to get to know him.


And he probably realized that. He probably sensed there was no passion. He probably figured any guy who had a similar education and career would be acceptable to you.


(Msg 58) I just totally clueless and confused and men and women. None of the tradition values that I read in Jane Austen or Charlotte Bronte exist in these days. I'm feel very depressed. Handsome men cheat, ugly men also cheat. It's all about sex, isn't it?


Yes, Chocolate. That’s what a romantic relationship is about just as the relationship you have with your mail carrier is all about mail and the relationship you have with your auto mechanic is all about your car and the relationship you have with your dentist is all about your teeth.

It’s not about handsome men cheating and ugly men cheating. It’s about handsome men and ugly men and short men and tall men and fat men and thin men all expecting a decent, proper romantic relationship.

Just as women have changed over the years to be more assertive and wanting to do their own thing men, also, have changed. They aren’t as likely to tolerate waiting for the lady to get “in the mood” because there are ladies in the world who are “in the mood”. There are ladies in the world who want a man, appreciate a man, enjoy a man.

In msg 58 you wrote,
And I never want to date with a handsome man either. Look has no important to me.


That’s just another way of saying that particular man was not special. How can the look of an individual not make a difference?

He knew you didn’t think he was special by what you confirmed in your opening post.
I fell in love with him. After about 5 months and we didn't have sex yet,


No sex for five months!! What did you fall in love with?

It appears you don’t know what love is. You wrote in msg 22,
…I'm a generous woman myself. Of both these men, I gave them very nice gifts when it came to their birthdays, occasions of the year, or when I came back from any oversea trips, I always brought back a lot of things with me to give to my man. And I dont' give cheap things either.
and again in msg 55,
I treated him back twice as nice to show how much I cherished my man. I gave him house decorations that were made of jewels. Gifts that were fitted to give a prince


Anybody can give gifts. That is not what a man wants. He wants YOU.

Here’s the strange thing. You fell in love with him after five months but never had sex. Your statement shows that sex has nothing to do with love, as far as you’re concerned, as you fell in love without having sex. Obviously sex is not all that important to you.

Also, you believe giving gifts is a sign of love as opposed to giving ones body.

That being the case why does it bother you if he is having sex with someone else? I could understand if he was giving gifts to another woman as you associate gifts with love. I could even sympathize with you if he was seeing a co-worker or someone who had a similar education and career as you associate those things with love, as well.

If none of those things applied to the situation (him bedding the blonde) why the concern?

I find it mildly amusing when people write in their profile or state in a post that sex is at the bottom of their list of “must haves”, assuming it’s even on their list. Gainfully employed, a sense of humor, loves animals, enjoys outdoor activities, similar political views, how they treat wait staff, how well they get along with their family and they finish their list by giving short shrift to sex by either saying it will just fall into place or they caution respondents they are not even interested in discussing it.

The amusing part is if/when an affair happens sex shoots to the very top of the list. Their partner’s love of animals or sense of humor doesn’t compensate for the affair. Neither does their having voted for the same political party or how polite they were to the waiter at their favorite restaurant.

When will people wake up and realize sex is number one unless, of course, sleeping with ones neighbor is not nearly as serious as not laughing at a good joke.
 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 69 (view)
 
The 'I LOVE YOU' Bomb...
Posted: 10/1/2009 4:56:59 AM

(OP) It's been a couple of weeks since he said it, and I'm still not able to say it back and really truely mean it. I know this bugs him...and I feel terrible about it...but I don't want to say it just so we're on the same page.


Would you describe the relationship as being a FWB arrangement? When you make love is it just a "yea, it's ok" feeling?

The reason I ask is I've never experienced such a relationship. I've never dated someone where I felt what seems to be a "I can take it or leave it" feeling. If the passion, the desire, the "I want you!" feeling wasn't there then neither was I.

Do you expect to experience that passion later on or is your idea/definition of love more subdued, more along the lines of a comfortable friend?
 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 49 (view)
 
The 'I LOVE YOU' Bomb...
Posted: 9/27/2009 8:17:47 PM
I think the reason why people have different timelines is because they have different definitions of love. For example, in msg 49, Rrhyankeegrl writes,
I was telling my new guy the story (after a few months of dating), and he said well I know why I love you, and rattled off a big list.


I don't see love as something that can be explained by reasons. IMO, it's a feeling as opposed to a conclusion one comes to. In other words some people list the reasons they like a person and when the list reaches a certain point it's like it adds up to love.

My idea of love is it's a feeling without reasons. For example, one may say they like the color blue. I think most people would have a difficult time listing the reasons they liked a certain color.

I feel this has a direct bearing on the idea some people have that relationships require work. Relationships based on reasons for liking the person and, untimately, reaching the number to qualify as love would certainly require work because the love is based on reasons.

When based on feelings no work is required. Two people feeling those feelings will naturally want to do for their partner. In a way it's the difference between a job and a hobby.

A guy with a classic car will spend half a day greasing and oiling and checking things but thoroughly enjoys what he's doing. It's not work. He likes the car.

How do we know the difference? By the time it takes one to decide if they are in love. When it takes time it means they are seeking reasons and that's something to watch out for.
 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 32 (view)
 
The 'I LOVE YOU' Bomb...
Posted: 9/27/2009 3:34:54 AM

(OP) My question: From your personal experiences, in what time frame was the bomb dropped?


AHAHAHAHA Bomb dropped? Reminds me of the expression about the other shoe dropping, meaning bad news.

Obviously, you are not "into" him to the same degree he is "into" you.

You wrote in msg 8,
So, I take it some of you older more cynical ladies don't believe in 'love at first sight'? I guess our harsh world has jadded you...and that's a shame. Personally, I'm a bit on the jadded side myself....but want to believe in fairytale romance once again hehe


I have always had little patience for jaded folks when it came to romance. Either I was the one they wanted or I wasn't and if they didn't know relatively quickly that meant I wasn't.

My wife and I met and within six months had purchased a home and were living together. At the time I was 43 and she was 34. That was over 13 years ago and, yes, life is good.

Shortly after meeting we discussed what we wanted/expected from a relationship. We put our cards on the table.

She was well educated and had a high paying job. Her main concern was finding a man who wouldn't compete with her. She believed men had a competitive nature and she didn't want the anxiety and animosity that would inevitably creep into a relationship. That was fine with me as even though I was a blue collar worker I enjoyed my job and was quite comfortable financially.

What did I want/expect from a relationship? Sex! And I clearly stated that.

I wasn't looking for a cook or housekeeper. I believed and still believe sex is referred to as "making love" because that's exactly what it does; it "makes" love. It is not the "icing on the cake" or something akin to the holiday china.

We each agreed to what the other person felt was important and as they say, "The rest is history."

You ended your post by writing,
Also, any advice about what I should do would rock! thanx!


Ask yourself if he truly turns you on. The reason being it's the chemistry, the attraction, the "I want you!" that holds romantic relationships together. The reason it holds relationships together is because it is not based on some "thing". It's just there and if you don't feel it or if you believe you need time to find it then that's not it. It's not something one has to seek. It's not a conclusion one draws after evaluating the pros and cons. It's either there or it isn't.
 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 6 (view)
 
Please help me understand this man ! Please give advices ! This man has been in and out of my life
Posted: 9/27/2009 2:29:21 AM
That was quite a story.

Frankly, there isn't any love there that I can determine. Sounds more like a friendship. You get together, have a good time, then each of you go your own way.

You mentioned the first time you were together it was over five months before you had sex. Obviously, you weren't all that excited about him and he was getting sex elsewhere as you noticed the missing condoms.

I'd recommend being FWB and keep looking.
 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 420 (view)
 
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 9/16/2009 1:57:55 PM

(Msg 421) Re: Dave1234's reasons why he is here.

I dunno...I still think it is strange. Does your wife know you are on here?

And again I dunno re last question...don't see your photo! LOL!


My wife knows I chat with people on the computer. I doubt she is aware of all the specific sites/people I connect with, HOWEVER, (and this really does require stressing) three years after we met and were living together I drove to Pennsylvania to meet a group of people I had chatted with on the net. I stayed three days in a hotel with 20 or so other people from the "chat room". I went alone.

We both attended a get-together in NY State and I went to Toronto by myself for a couple of days.

As for my photo I keep it hidden out of respect for my wife. Unfortunately, there are people who might see my photo on this site and draw all sorts of incorrect conclusions, if you know what I mean. And while we're on the subject of photos I must say you certainly take a good one.
 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 50 (view)
 
When does the pain end?
Posted: 9/14/2009 6:57:29 PM

(OP) Anyway, my question is for those who have undergone the pain of a long term relationship breaking up; at which point does the pain go away and would it be proper at this point to try and find some company despite the fact I`m not divorced yet?

Any advice would be gratefully received as I`ve only ever been in the one relationship and I just don`t know quite how to cope with the new circumstances I find myself in.


While my marriage lasted only 1/2 the length of yours 13 years was a long time. My Ex blindsided me with, "I'm seeing someone else but we haven't been intimate. I want you to move out and we can work on the marriage."

As fate would have it I received a phone call the next day and within 48 hours of my Ex informing me of her wishes I was 3000 miles away starting a new life. Time passed, she remarried, became a drunk, had a stroke, can't leave the house unaided.....I eventually married a sweety nine years my junior. The way I see it the Gods got me out of there while the getting was good.

I started dating two weeks after I left. The strange thing was the feelings generated by the fact she didn't want me were stronger than the fact she was seeing someone. If someone doesn't want me, I'm gone.

Anyway, when a marriage ends it encompasses much more than just losing ones companion. It is a complete change of life, of habits, of routine, if you will. Some people like a single life and adapt well. I thrive in a relationship and immediately set out to acquire another one.

While many advise against that it does not mean I was rebounding or willing to settle. The way I see it is if one loses their job they do not sit at home and become accustomed to being unemployed. They drag their a$$ out the door every morning and look for work. The same applies to seeking a partner and, more often than not, it does feel like dragging ones a$$ out the door.

Friday night dances. Saturday afternoon activities. Sunday morning brunches. Meet, meet, meet. Golf tournaments, pool tournaments, pik-niks, exploring your city walks.....there are all kinds of single functions happening. Meet-up groups.

Check your local paper. Call your local radio station. Sometime they put on events for singles. At least they will know what's happening in town.

Get out and mingle!!!
 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 37 (view)
 
I have an SO, so why am I back here?
Posted: 9/14/2009 6:11:53 PM

(OP)The first 2 years were great, everything we wanted in a relationship, and we would get date nights often and were very much in love.

The she took a job that worked her long hours and made things a little more difficult,………… We were stuck only seeing each other on weekends…………..This spring I opt to take a job in a new city, I know it would take me away from her, but it’s just for the summer and a rare opportunity. So the first couple months we switch off cities meeting up for one weekend a month…………..I set myself a goal to come back from this time away and decide if I wanted to marry her or not. Now that it is coming to a close I think I’m putting too much pressure on myself to form an answer. Is the ‘window shopping’ just cold feet? If she was good enough for me then, why isn’t she now?


Why? Because sex is "making love" and you and she have stopped "making" love. One weekend a month!! Of course the love will start to fade.

The old saying, "Absence makes the heart grow stronger" is true only if one has a lengthy period of time with the other individual to look back on and miss what they had and the absence is not for an extended period.

While I don't suggest getting married immediately upon your return I do believe the love will return once you both start "making" love. You wrote,
The first 2 years were great, everything we wanted in a relationship, and we would get date nights often and were very much in love.


There's the answer. Without sex/making love/being intimate all you have is a friendship and like any friendship it will wane without frequent interaction.

I suggest when you move back you live together. There is no point getting your own place and going through this "dating" game. You'll both know soon enough if you're compatible. BTW, slamming doors and flying dishes will mean you're not.
 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 405 (view)
 
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 9/14/2009 5:26:37 PM

(Msg 406) Interesting dave1234...you say you are "happily married, faithful" ??????? Then, why are you on a singles site!!!!????


For the social interaction. Friendship. And, periodically, I like to think someone benefits from my input.

People have queried why I don't join a "friendship" site. There are a couple of reasons.

I checked out so-called "friendship" sites such as IMVU, Second Life, etc. While my age is plainly visible there is an overabundance of 20-something females offering simulated sex (avatars which can be manipulated) in return for credits with which they purchase items (homes, furniture, clothes) on the respective sites.

The second reason is other members continually try to contact me via chat requests to sell those credits I mentioned.

In short, a sleazy, money-grabbing set-up.

My profile on here clearly states my age and that I'm married. I doubt any female is interested in a married man my age so I don't see any problem. Do you envision my being seduced by someone?
 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 400 (view)
 
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 9/13/2009 7:08:44 PM
In cases where it's a matter of not being "in the mood" what seems bass-ackwards is the onus to leave the relationship is placed on the person being denied sex rather than on the one doing the denying. If fidelity, faithfulness, monogamy is of such importance then it follows sex must be important. If it is reasonable to expect sex and ones partner does not participate shouldn't the responsibility to leave the relationship be on the denier?

By not wanting ones partner to "get it" elsewhere it presupposes they are "getting it". I posit it is the one who demands faithfulness and then denies their partner who "wants their cake and eat it, too".

For the record I am happily married, faithful and sex does play a vital role in the marriage.
 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 384 (view)
 
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 9/13/2009 6:53:28 AM

(OP) Man has worked very hard for many years, nice house, kids, material possessions, etc, but has no intimacy at home. Chooses to stay in the marriage as he knows the alimony will crush him, she stays home, raises kids, and he will lose half of everything he has worked so hard for. So he seeks intimacy outside the marriage.

I am hearing this so often, as a single person, I ask, why do u stay? The above reply is what I hear.

I absolutely hate admitting this...BUT...I can actually see their point? Any opinions would be appreciated.


Many people talk about morals when discussing affairs. I would think it appropriate to look at the Bible to see what it says.

I Cor. 7 : [2]" Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.
[3] Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband.
[4] The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.
[5] Defraud ye not one the other, "

I think it's fairly clear. To avoid fornication, sex without marriage, it is important the husband and wife have unfettered access to each other's body (verse 4)

While I'm certainly not a "Bible-thumper" my point is when people express outrage at infidelity one needs to question if they married in a church and if so why they didn't follow the advice in the Bible.

There is no excuse for either the husband or wife to not accomodate their partner's wishes. Unless one has a copy of the Kamasutra on their night stand there are very few things less strenuous or tiring than sex when it comes to the many things we do for our partner.

I believe the problem rests with the idea sex is some reward or option or special celebration. Some people are of the belief sex has no importance, in and of itself, which is at the root of many problems. They couldn't be more wrong.

It's referred to as "making love" because that's exactly what it does. It "makes" love. The times when sex is most needed (disagreements, frustration with ones partner, etc) is usually the very times sex is withheld.

There is a fundamental misunderstanding when it comes to sex. While it's certainly enjoyable and a great way to express ones happiness the real value lies in bonding two people. It seems those who claim to place the highest value on sex, those who see it as a sacred rite between two people, are the very ones who reserve it for some kind of party or good time.

How important can sex to be to one who partakes strictly when "in the mood"? They're saying, "It's so important and special but I only do it when I feel like it, when I'm in the mood." Is that the way to treat something that is supposedly so important and special?

That brings me to my last point. Should a certain post catch my attention I will read the person's profile. Frequently, sex is either not mentioned or sits at the bottom of their "important" list. I'm not sure if it's comical or absurd but should an affair occur sex instantly shoots to the top of the list. Perhaps it might be wise for those folks to place it at the top, in the beginning, where it belongs.

In most cases affairs can be prevented. From the moment an affair is discovered to the finalizing of a divorce I wonder how many people reconsider the times they uttered "not in the mood".

A quick note regarding msg 382. That reminds me of something I read about 10 years ago. There was an author who lived in upstate NY. He contracted prostate cancer and could no longer perform his “husbandly duties”. He kept a diary and asked his wife to publish it should he succumb to his illness which he did.

In his diary he mentions the following discussion with his wife. “(Paraphrased)You’re a beautiful, healthy woman. I do not expect you to give up a normal sex life because of me and I know your values preclude cheating. I would prefer if you took a lover rather then leave me. All I ask is for you to be discreet.”
 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 35 (view)
 
I need mature advice on restarting a relationship.
Posted: 9/12/2009 5:58:49 PM

(Msg 33) After reading all these post and I do thank you for them....some of the rude haters I could do without, but thanks for taking the time. Anyway...after reading all these post, I can see that only a couple people got what I was saying. I've decided that the very best thing to do is to talk to him and be open and honest and let him know what I am feeling. Just the other day he told me he wants me to always talk to him and communicate....so I will. He's not a dog as a lot of people on here accuse him of being.....he is a wonderful man trying to find his way in this world like everyone else....he's made mistakes along the way and so have I, I can forgive him his mistakes as well as I've forgiven myself for mine. And really if he is truly sorry and truly cares for me like he says and knowing how much I care for him, wouldn't I be an idiot not to give him a second chance.


Good for you!

As you mentioned in a previous post you have already been intimate, you have met members of his family and he has taken both yours and his children, together, on outings. Sounds like a serious guy to me.

There will always be doom-sayers and they'll be here long after you have started a new life. Keep talking and moving towards combining both families. If you pull back or appear to be having second thoughts you will cause him to do the same and all will go to hell (pardon the language).

Making plans and putting them into action is not rushing or being pushy. It's called getting on with life and talking about getting on with life I can't for the life of me figure out how some people think. Some of the opinions expressed here sound more like high school banter than the views of adults.

You're both adults. Talk, discuss, get to the point. If the ultimate goal is living together and building a life then start laying plans. Start putting things in action. Spend weekends together. If your children and his children are of similar age and get along well maybe one of your children can overnight at his place while one of his children can overnight at yours. That will give them a chance to get to know the other adult. (Just a suggestion depending on their ages.)

The point is to move in the direction you want to go. If he's interested he'll be by your side. If not, it's better to find out now rather than later.
 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 18 (view)
 
I need mature advice on restarting a relationship.
Posted: 9/11/2009 7:57:53 PM

(OP) I don't want to blow anything by being pushy or moving to fast, because I adore him and feel he is the one for me. So what do I do?


What do you do? You move fast. If you're both interested in each other why wouldn't you move fast?

You wrote,
It's as if all this time has never past and it's even better than before, we are intimate now and we have gotten our children together and talk everyday and see each other a couple times a week.


So, what else is there to do that would be considered "fast"?

Do you plan on living together? Combining families? You mentioned you see each other a couple of times a week? Why only a couple of times?

The biggest red flag is when one wants to "go slow" because the question is, "Why?" In order to learn about an individual one has to be with the individual.

The potential problem I see is this "arrangement" will drag along and end in one of two ways. Either it won't work and all the time "going slow" will be wasted or it will work but the resulting dragged out negotiations of combining two families will smother a large portion of the romance.

He's apologized and you want him. That's it! Now it's time to discuss details. If he's serious he will be more than happy to participate. If you see him backing away you'll have your answer.

You and him are not teenagers. You both know what you want. If each of you want the other then there's no such thing as being pushy or rushing.

As for him being the man who moves you I'm sure you'll relate to this song...
"You know I got to show you
Nobody else before you
Ever gave me such a beautiful feelin'.."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fr-2B3-EXXs&feature=related
 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 45 (view)
 
When does 'love' happen?
Posted: 9/10/2009 7:06:17 PM

(Msg 41)If you depend on biology to choose your partners, you'll end up with the wrong person time and again...............

If it's just biology and pheromones, it will wear off eventually and then there'll be nothing left.


Absolutely not. That's what keeps a relationship going. It is that subconscious draw to the person. Biology? Chemistry? Attraction? Whatever one wishes to call it, it is that underlying element that holds a couple together.

When my wife and I met we were drawn to each other. Differing native language, culture, education, customs, religion, a nine year age difference.....the list goes on. She, a highly educated, high income professional and I, a blue collar worker.

I asked her why she wasn't dating a doctor or lawyer and she said she fell in love with me when she looked in my eyes. Obviously, the feeling was mutual. Maybe it was due to both of us having green eyes? Who knows?

That was 13 years ago. When I think about her it's not pertaining to a certain vacation we shared or a special dinner she cooked or a birthday gift or a political discussion that brings fond memories. It's the rainy Sunday afternoon as she was walking down the hall, looked at me in our home office, winked and continued on to the bedroom.

It's the morning I was sweeping up the lawn clippings in the driveway after cutting the lawn and her standing in the garage in her housecoat signalling she wanted to talk to me. So, I put down the broom and shovel and walked over.

"I'm going to have shower. Do you want to join me", she asked.

That took place this summer, 13 years after we first met. That is what a romantic relationship is all about. That is what brings back the feelings we had when we first met.

The reason the chemistry, the biological attraction, wears off is because couples put everything before sex. Instead of emitting pheromones they send out vibes of stress and "busy-ness". Who is attracted to someone who's thinking about what's for dinner or a project to do with their job or what they're going to wear at the Saturday night function?

Chemistry or the "biological attraction", if you prefer, is the base. Obviously, if a person feels sex is dirty then, yes, there will be nothing left.
 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 88 (view)
 
peeking on dateing sites
Posted: 9/10/2009 5:39:44 PM
RE: Msg 84. When someone walks out, let them go. When a person loves you their walking out is the last resort after trying everything to salvage a relationship. Pretty thin love, I'd say.

As Margo said in msg 88, "You weren't a match."

Be thankful it happened now and not years later.
 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 39 (view)
 
When does 'love' happen?
Posted: 9/9/2009 8:35:39 PM

(Msg 39)
(Dave1234, Msg 29) )When one changes their feelings from friendship to a romantic interest they should question why. Far too often, IMO, people seek a buddy or pal. Are the feelings truly romantic or are they produced by the person being such a great pal?


Easy. Love isn't about your groin. It's about liking, respecting, admiring, appreciating a person and has little or nothing to do with hobbies or interests. You don't necessarily know everything about somebody when you first know that person. It can take time to discover that you've found someone that you can admire and respect and, ultimately, love.


I agree it isn't about ones groin but that seems to be the standard reaction many women have when a man feels chemistry or has romantic feelings for her.

Does no one remember their first love? Maybe they were 15 years old. Just being around that person was a thrill. No one was having sex. Sure, the thought was definately there but nothing sexual was happening.

That's the feeling I'm talking about. That inexplicable attraction/chemistry based on nothing more than wanting to be with that person. That, IMO, is what romantic relationships are all about but it appears people either do not feel that or discount it favoring seeking a "reason" to love someone.

That's why relationships do not last today. There is no emotional connection.

As adults, the thought of groins is due to wanting be as close, physically, as possible. The thought of wanting to be as close as possible should be there naturally, not due to a "reason".

To use an analogy a romantic relationship, that "I want you!" feeling, is similar to liking a specific color. How many people can say why they like a certain color? They just like it. It's subconscious or innate. There isn't any reason. It's just a feeling and that's how I see a romantic partner/romantic relationships. The feeling is there first and it's based on nothing one can put their finger on.

When that feeling is there, experienced by both parties, everything else falls into place.
 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 29 (view)
 
When does 'love' happen?
Posted: 9/8/2009 8:15:46 PM

(OP) I'm thrown off..when does 'love' happen? If a person isn't into you right away, is it a done deal? Or does attraction and love take time to mature? Say from friendships? What has been the experience out there - have you ever had someone in your life, say as a good friend, that you don't look at 'that way' that you suddenly fall for?


I've had the opposite happen on more than one occasion. Someone wasn't interested in me right away but after dating they "came around". Inevitably, it never worked out.

I'm a believer in chemistry. Not just physical attraction, although that's important, but other things one picks up on right away. A person's mannerisms. The tone of their voice. Their scent. Their body language. Basically, it's a really, really good first impression.

The problem with attraction taking time is what will the attraction be ultimately based on? When things don't click right away it means the chemistry isn't strong. Chemistry being defined as being inexplicably drawn to an individual.

That was the objection I had with the "going slow" approach. While some women took my objection to mean I was just interested in a fast fling that wasn't the case. The need to go slow was because they didn't feel the chemistry, the attraction. They were seeking it.

When one changes their feelings from friendship to a romantic interest they should question why. Far too often, IMO, people seek a buddy or pal. Are the feelings truly romantic or are they produced by the person being such a great pal?

The problem with the latter is we change our interests and views as we age/grow. Where is our best friend from high school. From college? From our first job? We changed and made new friends and while we may still keep in touch they hold a less prominent place in our lives. We see evidence of this today when couples split. More and more remain friends because that's all they really were. The emotional connection, the chemistry, the passion was never there.
 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 47 (view)
 
peeking on dateing sites
Posted: 9/5/2009 4:51:36 PM
As others have questioned what type of relationship do they have? Two years and he's an overnight guest. Brings flowers, does chores around the house and then goes home.

If neither one has made the move to solidify the relationship, as in living together, something is amiss. I bet your friend is worried. She probably doesn't want to lose the never-ending courtship.
 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 171 (view)
 
What would you guys do?
Posted: 9/2/2009 10:22:59 AM
Perhaps it's time to put the "shallow" argument to rest. Besides the physical health concerns science has now found that fat/obese folks are.......(there's no way I'm filling in an adjective) Read the article for yourselves.

"Obese people have 8 percent less brain tissue than those who maintain a healthy weight."That's a big loss of tissue and it depletes your cognitive reserves,…………
Furthermore, it was found that the parts of the brain obesity shrinks include areas critical for planning, memory and movement. Being even slightly overweight can knock off as much as 4 percent of one's overall brain mass."
“http://www.asylum.com/2009/08/26/being-fat-shrinks-your-brain/”

The forgoing article references http://www3.interscience.wiley.com/journal/122539667/abstract
 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 113 (view)
 
Manipulation or acceptable behaviour?
Posted: 8/31/2009 7:11:19 PM

(Msg 104) I think this generalization is what drives men to act a certain way in hopes he will be seen as appropriate to any potential partner. No one has to understand anyone in my mind, you get to know and understand the people you are relating to. When you find someone you are matched with then and only then should there be the opportunity for a relationship to form.

I think there is a polarization of genders that drives people to try and be something they are not. There is also a polarization of what a healthy relationship should be which drives people to try and act a certain way so they may be acceptable relationship material.


I don’t see it as a case of trying to be something one is not. If person “A” wants to be with person “B” then person “A” will adjust themselves accordingly.

For example, let’s say a person has worked as an auto mechanic for 25 years. He enjoyed his job. He had no problem getting covered with grease and oil and road grime, be it working under the hood (bonnet) or under the car. Then he hears about an opening for a Service Manager at a dealership.

He dresses accordingly, applies for and gets the job. While he may miss actually fixing automobiles he’s probably happy with the new job and substantial increase in wages. He has, in effect, chosen to act a certain way in order to be acceptable Service Manager material and have a good relationship with his supervisor. Would we say he manipulated his superiors? Would we say he is trying to be something he is not? Or was he never presented with the opportunity or had the incentive to be different?
 
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