Do you think that American women today, in general, suffer from The Princess Syndrome? chat & forums.

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yoodle

Joined: 9/30/2006

Msg: 45 (view)

Do you think that American women today, in general, suffer from The Princess Syndrome? Posted: 10/27/2009 8:35:23 PM
Men or women who suffer from 'the syndrome' what's in it for me are not going to be very good candidates for friends, let alone partners. The challenge is to offer friendship with out being sorely mistaken, taken for a ride, or bamboozled. Throwing caution to the wind is not the solution, but we can use some grace and diplomacy in the selection process. Finding common ground takes work. If one other offers 'common ground' that is repugnant (love me, love my dog--or my kids--or my mother--or my golf game--or my charity board membership) to the other, and cannot seek COMMON ground, well, call it whatever you want (this or that syndrome) it just ain't a relationship. Like that Western song "Put Another Log on the Fire"...there are many verses which can span the spectrum from Paris Hilton and that guy with the bad combover to Ma and Pa Kettle or The SNL Wild and Crazy Guys. Any of those scenarios can be an entertaining friend, but I'm loath to jump at "life partner" with anyone on date two or even date ten. What do you call folks who offer verbal criticism about "life partnership" on date one?

yoodle

Joined: 9/30/2006

Msg: 18 (view)

Libraries v. bookstores Posted: 7/26/2009 12:16:39 AM
I consider my interest in the written word "research" so I don't appreciate interruptions and I surely don't consider loud conversations or coffee cup rings on the merchandise good form. Bookstores are managed by the owner...and tend to cater to a certain type of clientele. Libraries are establishments we pay taxes to maintain and these tend to be places I go to do research: not unlike high school library or college library, there may be folks attempting to accomplish work or research. However, I live in a neighborhood with gradeschool kids who are all over the computers at the library. So my idea of libraries these days is my view of social services...lots of noise, from folks outside of my age range or national origin. In either one, if I find a book(s) (rarely one single book) that I find interesting, I look for a quiet nook to read or scan my discoveries prior to purchase or checkout.

yoodle

Joined: 9/30/2006

Msg: 54 (view)

Why would ANY aged Homo Sapien need a thong? Posted: 4/23/2009 11:50:21 PM
Oh come on, high school teacher! Are you asking for an ANSWER? Ask the health class teacher.

yoodle

Joined: 9/30/2006

Msg: 89 (view)

Killing the Butterfly... Posted: 4/18/2009 7:43:58 PM
It would be grand if one of us asked "Want to come and watch cricket?" and the other one actually knew what that was! The ones who start with the 20 questions, "Which position do you like?" "What are your interests?" "Why did your last relationship fail?" are gone with the wind. For a long time, I've thought that they are highly dysfunctional people with no idea how to relate to others... Well, the first line of questioning IS socially gauche. Folks may age but they are stuck in a social or emotional vacuum. It is especially contrived to be on a date where the conversation doesn't flow--who knows what the unspoken thoughts are. Thus, for me, the second two questions are back up and punt tactics when I've met someone who is untalkative and/or on a different wavelength: I AM in the inteview mode. Or, if they're madly in love or intent on taking it to the next level, asking how previous relationship(s) ended can be educational--and bring some reality to the butterfly dance. I have learned in convo, without actually ASKING: their last relationship ended 2 weeks prior. That kills the butterfly, too. It would be divine to develop a friendship with someone who shares a mutual interest. I'm wondering if "online dating" isn't a bit like...mail order brides: it is notorious that men go to the store to bring something home, not to shop, savor, contemplate, or woo. This caveman hunter urge may overshadow any social skills--or it may BE someone's social skill, period. Thus, the delicate art of conversation becomes 20 questions, in an effort to cool the jets of the caveman. For me, an ominous "kill the butterfly" is, "Well, I don't like any of the things you say you like, but I'm interested in a permanent relationship!"---doesn't that sound as though the speaker expects the listener to be eternally unhappy about life--as though their warm body is a fair trade for a permanent relationship? It might work in some trading posts...

yoodle

Joined: 9/30/2006

Msg: 55 (view)

anyone ever had a marriage break up cos of WOW? Posted: 2/16/2009 10:05:42 PM
Being addicted may be "idiot" to some, but that is one sorry and pathetic attitude that doesn't help the speaker nor the addict. Escapism through drugs (alcohol), habit (well, bajillions of things--from shopping to THIS piece of internet time sink, from golf to pornography) or anything that impacts one's FUNCTIONAL behaviors (like a job, a spouse, a family, home and personal care) --this person needs a wake up call, not a label. May need intervention. Thanks for the reminder...gotta go fold socks!

yoodle

Joined: 9/30/2006

Msg: 10 (view)

Love Curriculum Posted: 1/30/2009 10:39:22 PM
Hi Teach (takeachillpill) and others....thanks, this is where my sense of love is grounded anyway, so the lesson goes beyond kindergarden (or else I'm stuck somewhere back there). ...wrote Wow, I had to dust off the memories and get those rusty gears in my head working... when I explained love to my kids, I told them that it's when you get that warm and fuzzy cuddly feeling and you want to hug. Doesn't matter if it's a favorite teddy bear or mommy or daddy or a brother or sister. When that something makes you feel really happy. When you feel like you just can't live without it! That was the best I could explain it. Now of course my daughter brought me ice cream and told me she loved it...because she couldn't live without it. More than you know, that is just about true: when you prefer someone more than ice cream, chocolate, money, sports scores, and all that other stuff (INCLUDING SEX!, making your bed every morning, neatness, diet, ), hey, that is love! [The question is....when/how do you realize that love means so much less to the person you're in love with?]

yoodle

Joined: 9/30/2006

Msg: 16 (view)

Our priorities differ: depends on spiritual grounding, gender, age, social stature, energy, hobbies Posted: 1/30/2009 10:18:12 PM
I'm RE-searching the forums for an appropriate LINK to a sad (disconcerting) problem: WHAT, HOW, WHEN do you recognize that the person in front of you simply is (or isn't) going to be a probable (fergit BEST or even possible) mate, help mate, life partner, dream-realizer. I acknowledge that all of us have varying levels of hormonal urgencies. Intellectual pursuits. Egomanaical hobbies and dabblings. And a plethora of abilities, energies, propensities, yada yada. The amounts vary with age, and (frankly) I find myself in the place where I'm wondering...sheeeeeeesh, is it WORTH THE BOTHER???!!! I'm over 50. My dear male friends (married or single) have alluded to vivid prostate issues (believe me, I wouldn't pry! It's quite endearing, actually.) may have a profound affect on our relational (sexual) health--in addition to...marital and parenting and childhood issues (trauma). So here am I, still single, still very hopeful, willing (, reticent, and jaded) to toss my hat (my troth) into the commitment ring. Where does one start? With the 50, 60, 70+ fellow whose polished visions are....undefined, resentful, confrontational, PRACTICED, narrow guaged. Folks, I've been down the "other" forks in the road, yeah, even CAME from the outback. But I have not considered a superlatively academic nor materialistic approach to my personal economics, work economics, spiritual economics, or social economics to be even minutely useful in forging a relationship. What do I mean? I have met and communed with brilliant engineers, whose emotional landscape is as arid as the Gobi Desert; fundamentalists whose scientific tolerances are likewise, emoting artistes whose financial and practical grounding makes me yearn for a Howdy Doodie....I have first generation relatives whose value system(s) are a replica of their spouse, radio talk show host, or favorite TV star. It is REALLY HARD to keep the flexibility AND the discipline in one focus while taking forays into the conversations that may evolve while seeking a life partner. WHEN IS IT NOT WORTH IT?????!!!!

yoodle

Joined: 9/30/2006

Msg: 82 (view)

Confidence and money--and the person we are looking for Posted: 1/23/2009 10:53:36 PM
My response to this forum has to do with the LACK of confidence and money and the energy with which some folks pursue these items, which seem to be in "limited supply." My response is all about the "con" part of confidence. Confidence, money and those who are looking for...the "best buy" (like zero percent loans). They may be enamoured of a pipe dream? How much to invest? Not everyone is a 10-cow spouse (look it up, a SE Asian dowry story). My response is about desperate people with arrested development (we all have this in some form, some more than others), whose filters that were learned early on went dark, daft, or inwardly limiting, are looking--always--for a way OUT of their self-imposed hell. I think. I know that forgiveness is the answer for unleashing your inner passions. I know that sex, money, sentimentality, people pleasing are all ersatz passions that do not 'put food on the table' of life. How do some of us find and nurture a passion that catapults us into a dimension that feeds and sustains us in a mental-spiritual-emotional dimension, as well as with practical sustenance (house, food, friends/colleagues) while others never get going, or (worse?) are disgruntled with the "now" and enamoured of the dreams and schemes that never seem to work out? Failures can be turning points of learning and discovery. Some folks can walk thru life SEEKING FAILURES and calling it learning and discovery (living and donating a chunk of income--like 30%-- to self-help and psychoanalysis) whereas others fall back on a different kind of motivation (materialism, control, or (finally a positive thought) cheering on and encouraging self and others with 'just the right' amount of risk and caution. I think the con men (and women) have a preconcieved notion that others OR SOMEONE OUTSIDE THEMSELVES--has the power, wherewithall, moolah, stuff, motivation, for success, and by gosh they're out in full optimistic regalia to hitch onto someone else's success BEFORE they put forth any effort. Somewhere along the road, their efforts became worthless. And they never put forth any effort. I guess that's what makes me mad. They never try, but always depend on external finance. What I can't quite differentiate, though, is that some of us KNOW we need to be among desirable peers--to lean on others to exercise, learn something complex like a foreign language or philosophy or earnings plan. Is it discipline? What is weird is that the con job has BECOME their discipline. I bring to mind Ted Bundy, who was quite intelligent, but his con job was horrific. Not money, per se, but definitely WORTH (like LIFE). What makes man want to con another out of...life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness...money seems to be a medium of exchange for those things.

yoodle

Joined: 9/30/2006

Msg: 20 (view)

...when you're a homeowner...and the other one isn't... Posted: 1/2/2009 9:46:26 PM
Old post, good advice, so I'm resurrecting this old thread rather than start a new one: ... shedding house and posessions it's taken me years of hard work to get in my life, is a pretty impulsive and wasteful thing to do.... I've taken great pains to create an environment that's reasonably comfortable, with things acquired not for the sake of 'having stuff,' but because they help make me who I am (both aesthetically and practically)...artwork, hobbies, music, and so on.... I pick and choose investments that make my surroundings enjoyable. Entertainment can be a MEMORY that lasts forever, but how does one deal with broad differences in living arrangments? Hey, when you are merging two lives, there are bound to be changes. It's not a matter of compromise. It should be a matter of the two of you pooling your resources and talents and coming out ahead. Can a salesperson and an academic find a way to pool resources--would any academic relish being involved with someone in a pyramid sales scheme? (because it isn't about product helping change the world, it's about "doing the steps" to earn recognition in the...pyramid). If you are not prepared to do so, then forget about it. It's not going to work, no matter how many compromises you make. (In fact, if either of you are making a compromise, you're already in a counter-productive frame of mind) So if the pyramid sales scheme proponent is the one who brings up the need to be willing to "make compromises"...that's a negative mind set? I simply don't find it easy for an average salesperson to turn $200K in the first year (or five) of a new job (that was the number proffered in the description of "the steps." I don't see it as likely. Is that negative of me? Stop stating your positions. Stop defending your plans. Instead, start with your dreams and desires. Then see how many different ways you can fulfill them all. I'm delighted for someone to share dreams and desires. I just don't "feel" the energy to accomplish that goal. I admit to 'head down academic'...I don't know how setting a goal of $200K is actually a goal. Learning a language, getting a salaried job is a goal.

yoodle

Joined: 9/30/2006

Msg: 377 (view)

Is dressing for comfort instead of style and fashion really a crime? Posted: 1/2/2009 8:36:55 PM
My idea of comfort is my furry green bathrobe, furry slippers. I'll go out and pick up my newspaper in my bathrobe. That, I think is the epitome of comfort. Would I wear it to the movies? That might be a crime--but I'd be REALLY COMFORTABLE. For dancing, I'd choose a skirt that won't expose underwear or tops of hose in a triple turn spin, but there are others that evidently plan their attire with the that very effect in mind.

yoodle

Joined: 9/30/2006

Msg: 131 (view)

I think I now understand why you are divorced. Posted: 1/2/2009 7:38:56 PM
...I SAID the same words to a fella that had been divorced 4 times. His house was spectacular because it was clean! Immaculate! And orderly...outlines of every wrench, screwdriver, thingamabob in graduated sizes painted on the 3-bay garage/toolshop wall. Same order in the bathroom drawers...amazing! Later, he mentioned he was "sorry" that all 4 wives were on antidepressants (does any one see a common denominator?)...learned behavior IS RIGHT! It wasn't this data point, but the descent into cutting remarks, impatience for ME to do favors/jobs that he had both the time and facility to do himself (mow his lawn for cryin' out loud)..little angry outbursts...I saw his batting average --and the subtle changes in behavior as very good predictors that I'd be the next nuthouse candidate... When I SAID so (I think I now understand....). It was as if I awoke the wrath of the most stringent of patriarchal fundamentalist Fuehrers. It MIGHT have been a way to start talking about it, but not in this case. Aside from The Descent...when and how does one bring up...differences in behaviors? We are old enough to have derived some strong habits. Suggestions that one might change one's diet (try soy milk, it's better for you than cow milk), health habits (have you ever considered getting your xyz waxed?), planning and preparation habits (you might have loaded your skis in the car the night before) -- all those phrases in parentheses came from men, directed at me. What I'm wondering: how does it sit with you, whehter MAKING or TAKING those kinds of suggestions, esp. in the early stages of getting to know one another? Would you rather walk than speak up? Have you ever heeded such "hints," or do you find them to be irreconcilable differences? Would you rather walk than discuss? Would you rather walk than change? Is "it" supposed to start out with compromise? What "things" are disdain-able, what behaviors (or bad habits) are worthy of listening to, tolerating, and then shaping? Any? Or do we look for the fun and leave if there's an issue? Given up the struggle? How do you say, "No, I don't..." or "You might consider..." to the x-ball fan, the wrong-wing political bent, the too loud or too soft tone of voice or music, the cooking eating habits that are contributing to a weight/heart problem? Do we categorically dismiss....a faith-based belief system, a spendaholic (both genders, huh), a "looker" ...or a person who has been incapable of amassing any kind of financial stability? Are folks still looking for the party on personality for entertainment--what about mutually important investments that may not comprise world travel, beach vacations, or weekend getaways to someone's cabin? Is this medium even on the fringe of serious folks looking for another who is ready and willing to invest in a traditional long-term future (without the short list timeline mentioned 1 post up)?

yoodle

Joined: 9/30/2006

Msg: 136 (view)

Are there any WA Ladies without kids??? Posted: 12/31/2008 6:25:12 PM
Ah don' know nuthin 'bout birthin' no babies!

yoodle

Joined: 9/30/2006

Msg: 202 (view)

Pre-Nuptial Agreement? Posted: 12/31/2008 5:05:06 PM
An acquaintance is adamant about "his" money, "her" money, and "their" money and in fact is of the opinion nobody over 40 should enter into a marraige without a prenup. His 2nd wife walked out of their marriage this summer. Somehow having a prenup negates the concept of 'marriage' for me. My data point above renders their marriage something of an "arrangment." If financial protection is important enough to codify--I'd wonder about "codifying" other aspects of a marriage. Granted there are irresponsible money handlers and Rod Blagojeviches to contend with in the world. However, when the prenuptopic came up, I'd expect we would have many conversations about trust, finances, lifestyle, expectations, rather than slapping on legal (and "impersonal") protection (yikes if you cannot trust who you're marrying).

yoodle

Joined: 9/30/2006

Msg: 33 (view)

I'm I being lied to? Posted: 12/31/2008 1:21:43 PM
It's worse than that (than being lied to)...you're being lied to by yourself! You pretended nothing happened, too. As much as you may want a relationship, this scenario isn't one. This scenario is emotional abuse and abandonment--did you have the kind of upbringing where you didn't matter, because this scenario has "you don't matter" all over it. Tell yourself you DO matter. Perhaps the grief of being abandoned is deeper than this dirtbag. It's not what he's "doing" to you...it's about you not having a clue how to NIP IT IN THE BUD: you DON'T need to be nice to him--or to ANYONE who treats you in a remotely similar fashion (including family)-whether knowingly or because they're incapable of the emotions. Find some healthy emotions, and hang out with those people.

yoodle

Joined: 9/30/2006

Msg: 12 (view)

What do you think Posted: 12/30/2008 9:51:46 PM
Your ad is a plea for a physical liaison; your question here is a plea for help in life decisions. Here's the deal: looks to us on POF that if you get sex, you want to keep sex. You don't get sex, you want to look elsewhere. I hear you saying that your girlfriend is the one who is freaking. I think you, too, are freaking. Are you waiting for her to commit to you? Why not tell her THAT? Somewhere along the line, you two have to learn to make decisions togehter, and to respect the decisions of the other. Tell her what you've told us: she seems non-commital and even dismissive. Perhaps your girlfriend--AND YOU--are both waiting to hear "No, I think this is a relationship I want to keep, and I am DECISIVELY making the choice to be WITH YOU, and I know I can find work, further my education, etc. while staying together, working on us. If you need to hear this kind of encouragement from her--tell her so. If you want to keep the relationship IN SPITE of her being incapable of encouraging you--tell her so. But it is a real challenge to hold up both ends of a relationship. Tell her so. Neither of you are hearing encouragement from the other; neither of you are OFFERING it. Hard as it may be, unless you two can put some form of commitment into words, you're both going to be second-guessing when the other one is going to leave because they're not satisfied. Gotta break through that barrier, or say goodby and start fishing for the next sex partner (and go through the same exercise you've mentioned here). In any event, you'll still have to stake a claim someday. What is keeping you from doing so with the current gal (3 year relationship)? Aside from your "plan to go to school when I'm in Quebec"-- have you mentioned that you WANT to build something longer term with this gal? Maybe she is waiting for you to say these words? You're young, you're unsure. Make up your mind...you have time to think about this, if you can keep your hormones at bay for a while.

yoodle

Joined: 9/30/2006

Msg: 354 (view)

...body hair... Posted: 12/30/2008 9:28:49 PM
are you one of those guys who shaves his head, his chest, and HIS pubes? Wait. I don't want to know. What about those guys who shave their facial hair on a weekly basis--or who consider a week's growth "sexy"--or the ones who miss a patch on their neck for a couple of weeks--or who are fastidious about the very angle of every hair in their beard, mustache, or eyebrow? One thing I DO know about hairs is that--in the local (US) dance community are women who go sleeveless, and don't shave their armpits OR thier legs and it don't make no difference to the guys! Social hygiene aside, I do think the bigger issue here is the ability to respect each other. One fellow I was dating (actually, I lived with him) hacked up a sinus oyster into the kitchen sink when I was peeling potatoes or something....I said, "Yuk! Why don't you do that in the BATHROOM?" and his response was, "It's my sink." So, in every relationship, territoriality takes over. My cats hack up hairballs or "inhaled" kibbles of food; I clean it up: no sense in "teaching them a lesson" because i realize that they didn't do it to spite me--it's what cats do. But I think the kitchen sink hack was a very aggressive attempt to spite me or to "exercise his autonomy." As for your question, I can understand that you're wondering whether YOUR values or your girlfriend's values was the more reasonable approach. Bottom line, we ALL have to work through EXPRESSING our territoriality when we are in relationship. My brother complained once about how his wife ironed his shirts. He has forever ironed his own shirts. Further, he was the one who did the laundry, packed the suitcases, and brought home the bacon. You may think he is a milquetoast of a virago, but I have watched that marriage grow--and not just the marriage, but the sense of loving compassion for OTHERS beyond their own interpersonal "challenges." Frankly, anyone who eggs me on about keeping my hairy nether regions defoliated--and who is deliberate about ONLY that, ignoring or oblivious to FAR MORE IMPORTANT THINGS is probably going to get a staunch, but childish, reaction...like "here's the proirity of your issue in the realm of ALL the issues facing our growth as a couple." Not shaving...sigh...there was a lot of necrosis in other areas. Do you get that?

yoodle

Joined: 9/30/2006

Msg: 40 (view)

Is Ignorance Bliss? Posted: 12/30/2008 8:56:17 PM
....what with it being holidays and all, I've spent the day perusing things that interest me on the Internet. One is Don McLean's music. The beauty of his work is that the music is easy to listen to and the lyrics are symbolic poetry. Vincent says much: I cannot forge a shallow "liaison" with someone--they may have some great personality trait, but over time, one may discover they have no intention nor desire to share the depth and breadth--the hurts and exhileration-- of perceptions, life events, emotions, philosopies, sensory input (sight, sound, touch, smell, taste)...as well as the pragmatic, sensible responsibilities of using our talents--of sharing our rewards, of guiding, discovering--of knowing there are DIFFERENCES between each human and between cultures. I find the bio content of those who are looking for "tactile partners" or good natured socializing, or sports afficionados...lacking. It's great that they have a passion, but by specifying one or two facets--I am often left with a sense of "what they don't want" (everything else). So. High intellgence. Folks who DO have it are more than willing to meet you "where you're coming from" -- though on this utterly flat landscape (Internet dating), we all are grasping for the nuances of why-when-how-whether we do (may) or do (may) not get along ('been there, done that' seems to be a touchstone--whether you're talking to a divorced person or a bachelor(ette)--I know that I often find myself on this track). There are many kinds of intellegence--emotional intelligence is "new" on the scene...so your question is peculiar because it could mean many kinds of "high" intellegence. I think of Forrest Gump and RainMan (a real person--see Kim Peek on YouTube), whose intelligence differs from "the norm". So, as people, comaraderie is important, a sense of accomplishment is important, and a willingness to be flexible is important. Anyone who speaks of his or her gift without some degree of gratitude and humility may (still) be working through the early hurts of rejection and type-casting in their family or in their social circles. Anyone who looks at this thing as a Sears and Roebuck catalog--or an experimental college...well, heh, that's just about the sum of my...oops...I better not say that...

yoodle

Joined: 9/30/2006

Msg: 212 (view)

Guy Refuses to talk on cell while driving & also at work Posted: 12/21/2008 3:14:41 PM
My opinion of folks who make personal phone calls at work : 1. I'm glad I don't work with them! They're busy building their personal empire and not interested in their job or coworkers. 2. Wouldn't want them as a BF--or even a friend. 3. Cheating company, probably cheating in how they deal with others, period. 4. I am probably not the only one who resents them and their presumptuousness. 5. If it's tolerated on the job, then I wouldn't want to work for that company. Cell phones--I'd estimate EVERY one of the folks causing havoc on the freeway (following too close, not signaling when changing lanes, going 10-20 mph slower than traffic in a middle or LH lane) is undoubtedly on a cell phone--the bigger the vehicle the more "entitlement" they presume: men AND women. Poster 206 (84-Jeff-84) made a point--perhaps there's a different reason for your insecurity, and that is what you need the courage to think about. Perhaps he's avoiding being enmeshed--or being involved--or both. If I'm not getting enough time with my guy, then I'm the one who is unhappy, and I say something--if it doesn't change, then I need to change me or find a personality who DOES operate at my speed/need. SMOKING: haven't read the OP mentioning that, but hello...you're a MOM? Like who is raising the kids? I think you're living on entitlement. One reason I avoid "going downtown" is that I am affronted by the disgusting noxious odor--nicotine is used as a pestiticide...so if it kills living things, I consider myself being attacked. Pity your kids, whose brains are being negatively influenced by your personal habits, the lessons in social responsibility (or not). All this is telling me you're desperately in need of attention...and I suggest you get some professional help so you can deal with feeling "left out."

yoodle

Joined: 9/30/2006

Msg: 50 (view)

bombay terrorists from my home town Posted: 12/6/2008 2:18:26 PM
For the poster asking where the stats came from? It is pretty easy to do a search. Try it! For Modest Mouse Why a head scarf can't be a personal choice like in America? Well, America has had to ban bandanas/scarves before. California schools have had to ban the Krips and Bloods from "marking" territories--I think it is the reasonable thing to do, when hatred is so out of hand. Any society that has innocent bystanders being caught up in the violence of warrning gangs (whether for religious, racial, economic, social status??? reasons), can choose to intervene or to ignore; our society ignored much for a long time--the struggle for women's vote resulted in police brutality HERE IN AMERICA. Does that make all police bad? Of course not. Martin Luther King--had a great dedication--and not without skeletons in his closet, either. So. See the person, seek to understand the motive, avoid war, but be brave enough to stand up for what you believe it--WITHOUT violence--educate others when you can. Does it matter if Turkey, or Jersusalem, or Iran, or Pakisan or USA is secular or not, if killing is what "keeps" it in whatever state it is in? Is that the example you want to imitate? Is what you do incindiary, or is it exposing truth? Here's the link...and it's a sad one: http://www.thereligionofpeace.com/

yoodle

Joined: 9/30/2006

Msg: 253 (view)

Do guys with cats stay single forever? Posted: 11/8/2008 1:16:27 PM
Not any more than guys with dogs--or ATVs or reptilian pets or blaring musical instruments. Its a matter of having a lifestyle I'd be comfortable melding with my own. von Sch... ? my.dogs.your.tractor? (poster changes her handle frequently) wrote: i hate cats (they come over here and kill my chickens! in the middle of the night!) Out where I come from, those night kitties are better known as raccoons--any house cat would be terrorized by a chicken--mine are terrified by the local crows. However, raccoons love eggs, and raid nests in the wild. also because men are lazy and their house ends up smelling Those whose habit is to ignore poop (or make it someone else's problem--as my neighbors are wont to do by not disposing of it) are promoting illness. Animals--even in the wild--have ways of managing their poop. Domesticating them makes thier welfare OUR responsibility. Offal, whether cat, dog, horse, rabbit, fish, rat, or human can pollute one's environment--there are health laws that protect our sidewalks and a multitude of products to 'purify' indoor air, but personal hygiene fundamental.

yoodle

Joined: 9/30/2006

Msg: 9 (view)

Latin Problem Posted: 11/2/2008 2:08:21 PM
This ancient double-edged sword predates ancient Greece. It was used in technical reviews of nascent product design to cut untenable features and later to oust dissenting reviewers for negative feedback about the delivered feature set. It's first recorded use was on a giant, who became famous as the Cyclops in Homer's Od(d)yssey.

yoodle

Joined: 9/30/2006

Msg: 15 (view)

Mountain range in middle of antartic- why? Posted: 11/2/2008 1:49:37 PM
I'll wait for the scientists, engineers, pilots, and support staff from the UK, the US, Germany, Australia, China and Japan to tell us in book, news bytes, or movie. Until then, why not study what Jamie (post 10) wrote--I think that will give rise to some additional questions.

yoodle

Joined: 9/30/2006

Msg: 45 (view)

Scared stiff Posted: 11/2/2008 1:38:19 PM
OP, Maybe you don't want to believe your own common sense--I believe you answered your own question when you wrote: I mean, I used to share a whole house with my sister and her boyfriend, and we got on each other's nerves! Imagine a tiny little apartment, right? Some folks like cohabitation in shared housing arrangements, some folks like their peace and privacy. I don't think these two types mix very well--and it becomes more pronounced as one ages. So, until you're ready for the nursing home...

yoodle

Joined: 9/30/2006

Msg: 47 (view)

If a woman proposes and the man accepts. Is it a legal binding contract Posted: 9/29/2008 11:23:53 PM
Are you a paid plant or sumthin? A legally binding contract is the marriage itself. Depending on which state you're in, I suppose, but WA is a shared property state that observes no fault divorce, which makes everything financial AFTER the marriage a shared profit/liability, and I would venture, everything that existed before to revert to the original holder. Now, get married and announce a world of debt...well, that would have lawyers rubbing their hands in glee. Dowries are good. Commitments are good. Who asks, and how the silent partner entices or coerces or convinces the other to take the intiative and propose--ain't that all about 'the dance' ? At your age, surely you're beyond dowries, so I can only shake my head at your post.

yoodle

Joined: 9/30/2006

Msg: 34 (view)

When does a relationship move to a point where not calling is NOT CALLING? Posted: 9/26/2008 12:32:51 AM
3 days of long phone conversations and then no reply to a phone call or email would lead me to suspect the other person grew suddenly uninterested--it could have been something that was said, it could be another person came along and was exceedingly more important. So, the common courtesy mentioned, the switch to decaf, the change in behavior point to a possible problem, and--it could mean a player who is out for "the goal" and maybe he's looking 24/7. Oh, and on the job messaging, lengthy phone conversations from work...just doesn't sit well for me. I like a guy who loves his job, gives his 8 or 9 or 10 hours a day to the job--showing up to collect a paycheck doesn't count (I know, it's brutal, but I've sensed this in the past...not my type of guy).

yoodle

Joined: 9/30/2006

Msg: 78 (view)

I think I just got played... Posted: 9/23/2008 10:27:58 PM
Thanks for the posts--OP, I hope you become more grounded in your reactions--great lesson if you review your change of heart across these 4 pages. I hope you've learned that 'love ya' (or even Love, xxx) on the phone, in a letter, in person, is something you might say to your mom, your sister, your friend, your teacher, your classmate. Word to the wise: you did NOT get played--that's a serious offense with willful misrepresentation. Think of our current administration and also the banking crisis. Even the press doesn't call that "being played" (but I do). She simply stated she is your friend for now. Don't underestimate the value of a FRIEND of the opposite gender.

yoodle

Joined: 9/30/2006

Msg: 62 (view)

A 1st for me; anyone had this happen? Posted: 9/22/2008 6:51:26 PM
Thanks for this lengthy description of a familiar scenario -- with some dates, it is easy/simple to let go, but when someone "clicks" for months (or years) and then reacts this way...it is unnerving, no matter how many self help books you read (try "He's Scared, She's Scared"... or "The Fragile Bond" ... there's more beef). I find your phone calls to be reasonable. They'd be reasonable messages you left to a friend or family member--but to someone who had been "inseparable" for (you didn't mention time frame, and it doesn't matter if it's weeks or months, really). But to them it DOES matter. And it isn't about YOU, it is about something older, deeper, and something they cannot express or articulate or even "see" all that clearly. I think a major component of becoming intimate (psychologically) is to be able to hear what the other person is telling you, and to be able to ask the right kinds of questions to keep conversation open. I'm learning that the onus isn't all on you, the speaker, to ask the right kinds of questions: a lot of it is on the other person being able to process your questions as something other than grilling--to be able to respond NOT on the defensive. The authors of "He's not that into you" have made hay bales of money off this basic difference in expectations/conclusions. A similar phone call from me to a guy who I hadn't TALKED to for a week--I'd left 2 voice mails that were not asking for a call back--the third one showed my apprehension--and it was received as an insult. Not my intent. Death knell of the relationship: my take is that I cannot ask any questions without being perceived as "snooping"...his take...he has an entitlement to leave me hanging until it's convenient for him (both synopses are negative)...a spirit of positive regard for one another is---well, it's to be fostered, but there's a mountain of reasons why each side may have trouble hearing anything positive--even in neutral comments from another. Upshot: his actions seem very defensive to me--esp. if you two were communicating daily before. On the other hand, he may truely be ensconced in a problem that doesn't pertain to you...and he is not capable of conveying that very well. Hence, long term relationships are more fulfilling because they're not constantly glancing off the sharp peripheral defenses we've acquired in order to protect our true hearts.

yoodle

Joined: 9/30/2006

Msg: 17 (view)

Correcting Someone On A Second Date Posted: 9/22/2008 6:21:51 PM
I'm with David Sauvignon--er, I'm siding with that little edge that hints something is amiss. Your response is precisely the sort of thing that was going on in the back of my head that kept me quiet. My later concern is due to the fact that my date's mistake negatively impacted the waiter, if not in the form of a tip then perhaps in the waiter's attitude for the rest of the evening. (Your response to this response is kind--thanks for modeling.) My concern is that perhaps the misunderstanding is going to repeat in some other scenario--a stranger in front of you in a ticket line, the couple next to you at the symphony, the NEXT waiter...and then (OK, this is my own fear)...when will the loose cannon point in your direction? How do you determine whether this guy is subconsciously or consciously bringing people to task because of confusions that he created himself? Maybe he's simply absent minded. But, if there IS some consistent oddball accusatory misunderstandings in future interactions, maybe he has a trust issue that compels his actions--or perhaps he derives some kind of perverted joy at upsetting the apple cart--whether waiters, coworkers, family, or...you. The kind of data point that can be viewed as a red flag down the road--or not.

yoodle

Joined: 9/30/2006

Msg: 26 (view)

Turn ON? or Turn OFF? >> Getting LOTS of info in the first email? Posted: 9/22/2008 5:51:50 PM
Lots of info in first email, if it reads well (it is a cogent account of some part of his life that I expressed interest in or that he is genuinely sharing) is GREAT! For those with few words...well, Gregory Peck was kewl, but only in the movin' pictures--quid quo pro usually means we write less, and less often. The impersonal nature of a cut-n-past approach doesn't win any points--and if I find the content boring or tedious, I hesitate to dignify it with a response....perhaps a thanks, perhaps a no thanks, maybe something silly or sarcastic--silence works very well, too. We are all here a short time, there are many lessons to be learned. I've discovered there's way more fishies in the sea than I could ever "touch" with a sympathetic ear, let alone any kind of healing or reconciliation.

yoodle

Joined: 9/30/2006

Msg: 25 (view)

Needed for a Successful Relationship...Whats Makes it Fail? Posted: 9/21/2008 11:51:26 PM
I’m sure you’ve heard the divorce statistics, 50% of marriages end in divorce, over 60% of second marriages end in divorce. But the reality is that 95% of marriages fail to achieve what we’re all hoping for: to find real love. I believe that this extremely high failure rate is due to the lack of knowledge that we all have when we enter into the most important relationship of our lives. It’s not about whether we married the right person; it’s knowing the right PURPOSE and understanding what we’re really getting into. When the romantic stage ends--and it’s actually supposed to end--the healing and growth can begin. A major purpose of marriage is to help complete childhood, to help us develop into complete and joyful human beings along with our partner. Your partner is a key link to this childhood completion. Let’s go back and start at the beginning…. (more at http://gettingtheloveyouwant.com/connections/2008_09/article1.html) The Sexual Stages of Relationships Falling in love is easy. That’s why we call it “falling” and not “climbing.” Sometimes we even plummet into love. This falling idea implies we don’t have a choice. It also means we don’t have control. Falling in love is an emotional bungee jump, an adventurous free fall into the unknown depths of imagined romance. There is an element of excitement to that “falling” feeling. When we relax our guard and let ourselves love another person, we get into the rush. It’s only later that we say to ourselves, “Oh, wait, what was I thinking?” Long-term relationships are not a death sentence for desire. In the early phases of romantic love, everything feels easy. We are excited to see our beloved. We think about them often. We desire them sexually. And sometimes we feel like we can’t get enough...(more http://gettingtheloveyouwant.com/connections/2008_09/article2.html) A: In order to have vibrant and successful partnership, four things are non-negotiable: 1. Eliminate negativity - Don't criticize your partner. This is a challenge, but essential. 2. Become your partner's advocate - As Helen [LaKelly Hunt, his wife and co-founder of Imago] and I often say, we're partners. Your welfare and achievements and your desire to fulfill all of your dreams and potential is my project. When we do that mutually, we are into advocacy. 3. Engage otherness - Use the Imago Dialogue process to become engaged on such a deep level with your partner that you experience the fact that your partner is not YOU. 4. Love unconditionally - Usually when I appreciate something, like the cup of coffee Helen brings me in the morning or how she handled the kids, it's related to something that made me more comfortable. Most of the time we love our partners most when they are not messing with us. When in doubt, repeat # 1. Real love is valuing your partner independent of any conditions they have to meet...

yoodle

Joined: 9/30/2006

Msg: 970 (view)

Why Do women dump men who are nice to them. Posted: 9/21/2008 9:11:09 PM
Sometimes certain 'nice' gestures cannot make up for the lack of 'necessary' gestures. I don't suggest being mean, but there is a loose list of pluses and minuses in any relationship. Sometimes we are willing to overlook a few minuses if one of the pluses is really really really great; and of course, the reverse may be true. For example. A classical pianist with a good sense of humor who could dance...pluses so great that I could overlook a lack of skills in cooking and housekeeping--hey he was NICE! But no "relationship" evolved: there was TALK about us coming together as a team, but it was barren soil...his life was HIS, there was no accountability to US. As a counterpoint, another example: a guy who spoke plans of marriage, house buying--even brought presents back from his overseas business trips, even went to church with me. Great! The problem? He didn't OWN the house he lived in; he rented it. He had 4 cars in the back yard--none of them ran. We went skiing--I picked him up at 9AM--but when I arrived, he was asleep on his couch in the clothes he'd worn the night before. I went to "his church" with him, and the minister introduced himself as though he had never met this member of his 100 person congregation. That was the last straw. Both were nice, didn't swear, didn't have anger/rage issues...or did they? Neither one was capable of making a plan, or even living up to a simple agreement of a mutually enjoyable date. How would we weather the tougher goal setting/achievement negotiations of a REAL relationship? Both gave lip service to wanting a relationship, but not one that I wanted to be part of. I would have been the mother, caregiver, manager. There was no foundation of an "us" -- in other words, we didn't "click." Age does make one pickier. When you're 20, a bookcase of bricks and plywood is to be expected--I've outgrown the idea that this is the "survival mode of new (divorced) bachelors"--for those who have expressed bitterness about $$, well, I gotta like having the guy in my home, and I gotta like being in his...teenage style furnishings are indicative of arrested development somewhere. Gotta love the person. Also, expressing bitterness is a healing we should do BEFORE we enter into dating. Sure, some are dating to have fun, or for sex, but some of us are looking at long term prospects, and I'm talking about a quality of life together, not taking someone for a financial ride (goes both ways, you know). There has to be some degree of equality in expectations: the guy has to WANT what I am, and I have to want what he is, what he wants to become--how he wants to spend his days, his free time, his --day-to-day experiences need to mesh with mine--there has to be a common goal, and achievements. It can take a minute---or weeks or months to figure out what is missing--and these were two circumstances when I avoided ending it at the first hint of a mismatch--I would have saved everyone a lot of time if I had, though. So here's a "nice" gal...and I think these two examples show guys don't really step up to "nice," either.

yoodle

Joined: 9/30/2006

Msg: 35 (view)

Amateur Psychology Posted: 8/31/2008 10:02:33 AM
I'm awed to read the OP's description of her struggle to figure out why the bad words are "sticking"--and that she is annoyed with that. The way she framed her question comes from a positive and self-preserving place within her! I'm on these forums to "relearn," as an adult, what can motivate people to do and say what they do and to be as clear as this woman is--to be self-aware enough to neither condone (forgive/play down) nor to stand toe to toe in an attempt to fix/fight such an attitude. Acceptance is something we all seek, but certain behaviors are unacceptable. Being methodically destroyed by a judgmental, insidiously condemning and self-absorbed person is not a "loving relationship" no matter HOW hurt they were in childhood. If you had grown up in such a chaotic environment, it may be that your prediliction for wanting to "heal" negative behaviors causes you to stay--or even buy into the problem. It may be a very naieve perception that you can just "be" in someone's life as an posive example, thinking it is possible to flip a switch so that they CAN see and appreciate--the blue sky, you, the blessings around them...it's so close--you can show them how to look and see the sun on the tree, the smile someone gives a stranger...but they never do. Although I relish humor, I also realize that humor can be a coping mechanism borne out of the need to reframe the chaotic situations in life, and human can often seethingly sarcastic: tracking this to the source is a discipline. (he was eloquent, smart, engaging)...in the beginning. Once he became actively hostile, I never saw him do that again. Sometimes what we learn/study/succeed in is a compensatory drive to cover up an emotional deficit that is churning just under the surface--and I've seen the evil twin come out--maybe as much a year of being "managed" while in a relationship. One of the things I look for is how the other person deals with conflict: do they "fight fair," do they seek compromise with me or with others, do they take a stand on those things they do deem important or do they agree/disagree with everything? Are they able to see more than one point of view, do they have to win for the sake of winning? Can they be happy for somenone else's successes? Early on (in my 20s), I remember precipitating an argument just to find out if the person I was with would or wouldn't hit me when he was angry--and I saw it as a positive outcome if he didn't--never mind that he didn't like arguing! The emotional weaponry was secondary. That was my starting point--and I've learned some hard lessons along the way. Although I have compassion for someone who is lost in these old old battles, I have learned that there are personalities who utterly lack compassion for anyone and anything except themselves. One character flaw is they are lacking gratitude--and I am thankful for those in my path who have shown how gratitude changes a person's heart. PS: BBC News this week has an article about that the old addage "Sticks and stones....but words..." is wrong: words have a PROFOUND affect on people. Sorry, I didn't google it for the post, but you can...

yoodle

Joined: 9/30/2006

Msg: 867 (view)

Why do women dump men who are nice to them. Posted: 8/30/2008 1:51:19 PM
maddtiger (866) and swedegirl (867) wrote good thoughts, which seem a bit off topic, though were in line with the conversation--868 wrote another meaningful addition: Perhaps this girl wasn't "throwing him under the bus" but was interacting with her friends in a way that was familiar among them, but impolite for a stranger--I've been on both sides: feeling "out" of the circle and feeling the uncomfortable tension of friends or family "assessing us." Politeness and comeraderie seem to be at odds, particularly in the dating world. If I sense that 'niceness' might be an extreme connection to his mother or is a ploy for taking possession (what comes to mind is that sometimes the niceness [bold] feels[/bold] like the guy has set up the kind of trap that kids make with a cardboard box, stick, string, and a piece of bread to catch a bird)--he may think he is being nice, but it isn't "hitting home" for me--the two extremes of being too nice or too aloof/sarcastic mean that I am not "connecting" with this other person: metaphorically, he is playing badminton or football, and I'm "not into" sports, at least not those particular sports. Hah, even though I consider "no games" a lame thing to write in a profile--perhaps WHICH games are "game" and which are out of bounds is a better concept. I find thoughts, feelings, art, creativity, performance, expression to be positive and exciting "games"--they're NICE! I find marksmanship and one-up-manship to be games--and a steady and serious diet of these is loveless.

yoodle

Joined: 9/30/2006

Msg: 20 (view)

Why do they never really listen to what the other person says? Posted: 8/30/2008 12:12:07 PM
FN, I think first dates -- even for myself -- often pack too much expectation, often one's emotional need to connect, need to be heard, need to have the other person be The Answer, need to exercise one's power/energy/vitality, one's composure/reserve, one's history, one's need to be playful, serious, responsible, flirty, decisive, or empathetic--or to find these in the other person. There's all those feelers and more: family dynamics, social status, education, collegiate vs submissive/domineering, outgoing--and, too, the timeframe. I know a lot of listening has to occur, and a lot of conscious and subconsious decisions are being made. The speed dating--geez. I haven't tried this, but it would be exhausting--tremendous psychic energy--a place where social butterflies and witty raconteurs excel, but doesn't leave much room for discovering one's depth and breadth. So, one would think there should be rules--and books are written about these rules, but they often miss the mark. It is a sad thing to go to the bother of getting to know someone via some email exchanges, phone conversations, and then meet in person to find...that stranger doesn't "engage" in a way that works for you. It is a sad thing to go on a meet'n'greet to discover that other person is looking for an insta-take-home partner, which often has nothing to do with you--outside your height or gender. It is frightening (for me) to meet someone and instantly sense that their lifestyle either won't fit with mine (our attitudes about home, family, faith are wildly divergent), or they're simply not interested in discussing those things. ================================== Many men go fishing all of their lives without knowing that it is not fish they are after. ~Henry David Thoreau ================================== An ability to alight on such a concept and talk about it--without losing sight of having fun--some men (some people) don't WANT to have to work their minds like that; their heart is in their pants or entertainment or pleasure or gratification--or avoiding that level of involvement. Wanting to discusss something that ephemeral on the first date may be as whacked as someone who looks for sex on the first date. But sooner or later, you're going to want to get a sense of that other person's "inner world" --if you plan on sticking around, you're going to have to be LIVING with that inner world. I think it takes a multitude of dates and environments to learn about another person's inner world. Some people recognize right away that they DO want something about that other person, some recognize right away that they DON'T want something about that other person. It is easier to articulate what we do want, and it is not easy to articulate what we don't want--and for many they fall into this conundrum only AFTER they are married (and that may be the owie many divorced people are bringing along on each date they go on). Articulating it is very hard.

yoodle

Joined: 9/30/2006

Msg: 140 (view)

My last boyfriend passed away sends them running... Posted: 8/27/2008 8:52:19 AM
...as for the men (and women) who are eulogizing their lost love: what you are "SCREAMING" to me is that I don't know a love --or one actually used the words, "I guess they don't want a real love." God forbid I hear this more than once if I become involved with someone! Excuse me. Many of us HAVE had moments, years, or glimpses of a real love, too. And I just ask you to imagine me (the other person) quid quo pro eulogizing my own lost love(s) to you...would you start to squirm after awhile? When you're done with the grieving process, when you've let me know you did love someone, then let's get on with the business of loving each other. The worst kind of bickering is throwing up what anyone in the past (dead or alive) used to do as a complaint about the person you're with. Try it on, it feels icky. Hearing those words (I knew "REAL" love) while you're dating is tantamount to defiance--in letting YOUR heart into the relationship right here and right now. One thing I never want to do (again) is live in the shadow of a previous relationship. That is oppressive, alienating, and it is forcing another person to suffer whatever loss you may have had decades ago. I have dated scores of men whose heart, mind, joy is stuck somewhere miles from me/us--and I've tap danced all over the place trying to get their attention, trying to heal them, trying to "come alongside" and empathize. They stay where they are, and I grow weary. I don't leave, but I do become emotionally bankrupt. And then they leave. I'm not going to do that again. The sole lesson I've learned (I hope) is that nothing I can say or do is going to get them out of a funk. What they say or do is going to get them out of the funk.

yoodle

Joined: 9/30/2006

Msg: 139 (view)

My last boyfriend passed away sends them running... Posted: 8/27/2008 8:42:28 AM
So...nearly all of us ask or are asked, "what ended your previous relationship?" There will always be SOMETHING, right? Maybe the REASON gives us some insight into what that relationship might have been like, what this other person sitting in front of us learned or took away from that relationship. All of us strain to sort through the implications--maybe we ask for more information, maybe we see an attitude, a behavior, a clue as to how this person might be relating to us (with all our expectations). I suggest that it isn't the fact he died, or even how, but how you--and your date--deal with that. I'll give some fer instances: "My girlfriend committed suicide." This from a guy wearing a suit with a scarf and sunglasses. Me: the condolences, but then perplexed--the guy is looking away, not at me, and quite composed--what do you say after that? All I remember is that this happened to the PREVIOUS girlfriend as well. It might be easy for someone out there to gather their thoughts and respond emathetically, but I was struggling with--finding an attitude I could relate to (sadness? seeking some kind of emotional connection with me?)--or if this guy was something to avoid, perhaps a self-contained, reserved, sympathy and attention seeking fellow--who may have had a negative effect on two women (stuff for a movie, doncha think)....the awkward silence was loooooooooong. And there was no questions or looks coming from him to me. Impervious, I conclude, not worth digging into -- I might be really afraid of what I found. OTOH, many guys' marriages ended in divorce, and they explain they just grew apart. So, after asking 10, 12, 20 questions about his interests, his family, even his past relsationships, and chatting about the answers, I wait--for a spark of interest in me--and if the silence grows and grows...I realize the communication skills killed the marriage, and I'd be doing all the relating if I stuck around. I'm sorta fed up being the emotional Florence Nightengale to men who cannot converse. But these are men stories. What I'm saying is that there is a big exchange of information in the looks, postures, attitudes. Maybe (in general) men are less prone to empathize, and maybe (I don't know how the conversation went) you are expecting them to pick up some sort of piece of the conversation...and they don't. Do you know what goes on in the exchange of words, looks, or ideas that gives you reason to believe "my last boyfriend passed away" would send men fleeing?

yoodle

Joined: 9/30/2006

Msg: 11 (view)

Can you plan for intimacy in a romantic relationship? Posted: 8/25/2008 11:18:03 PM
....planned intimacy? Like taking a Viagra pill every Friday afternoon? Some folks plan their vacations, their job changes, their children, their retirement--and their 3 squares for the whole month. Others can't keep track of which banks they have accounts with. However, if you ARE in a relationship and you want to be able to improve intimacy and communication, lots of interest in that. See (google) Mark Gungor, for starts. Of course, all of this "planning" requires a cooperative partner, no?

yoodle

Joined: 9/30/2006

Msg: 11 (view)

Ms Manners question: Sweetie, honey, baby... when is it too early for that? Posted: 8/25/2008 11:09:52 PM
Some posters on this site call every OP they respond to "sug" (presumably pronounced shoog, like the first syllable of sugar, not like "tug" or "sudge"). Means nothing... ...I've been known to use sweetie pie names with coworkers, the nice guy helping unload groceries, etc. when they do something that calls for a little empathy: punkin (gotta luv that Al Bundy guy), or punkin doodle. My 2 year old nephew had a "name" for people who were joshing him; he'd say "You pooder dooder!" --which can be good OR bad. If you're European, it's no different than calling that Josef/Giuseppe guy Sepp, Seppl, Peppe, etc. It becomes their name, even to everyone in the village. Vulfie, you little schnooker-doodle, does anyone ever call you their Lucky Charm or Cap'n Crunch?

yoodle

Joined: 9/30/2006

Msg: 54 (view)

Did I overreact? Posted: 8/25/2008 12:25:52 AM
When I landed there at 9 the next morning, she's not there. I give it fifteen minutes as I refuel, then call to see if she needs directions or something. She tells me she's still in bed, hasn't gotten dressed, had her coffee, taken a shower, put on makeup, or anything yet, and seems to expect me to wait. My first reaction was an image of two of ex-BFs whose sense of urgency was the same as your GF's, and I felt validated--finally--because I was disgusted but hurt that they had cared so little about our "date." OTOH, sometimes I have been late, and I thank my lucky stars for friends who have waited for me--and there have been a few. Most of the stuff landed between Woodland and Sacramento Yay again! I did the same thing to my sister's clothes (only out of a 3rd floor window, not an airplane) when she came to stay one night, then two weeks, then "moved in" with me and my three roommates--for several months as she looked for work (down by the apartment complex swimming pool)--and when she was eating their food, they complained to me, not her...I was 20 at the time, and she still holds this against me. So, I'd say, yes, you did overreact, but I've done something similar.

yoodle

Joined: 9/30/2006

Msg: 63 (view)

Feedback or Criticism? Posted: 8/23/2008 1:23:02 PM
Stubbles and Apolinary provided worthwhile pro and con input..whether the date is good--or a bit off. Stubbles wrote: I will sometimes see something holding a person back... Its like they have so much talent and beauty and greatness in them...(yet) Apolinary wrote: ...who wants to go on any date thinking they're going to be analyzed and then given a report on how they did? ...let...dating be a time of enjoyment and fun. So this online dating isn't so much about fun--preliminary interviews at coffee shops is not my idea of fun--and so much fails at the get go sitting in coffee shops. OTOH, who wants to be stuck in a car for the 2 hour drive back from a hike gone terribly wrong (where divorced spouse rails on the parent of their children--or shows definite financial or emotional involvement with family). So fun. How do we deal with another's ability to relate or to expose their attitude, humor, enthusiasm, accountability, hygeine--as a person--what if the vibes you get overpowers your ability to befriend this person? We should take folks as they are, at face value, but what if their attitude or habits are preventing any kind of community--or fun? If "dating" is a chore, the joyful aspects of drawing close--handholding, even before a hug--making one's "soul" smile, valuing each other's company -- coming together as 2 people, not two potential lovers....do guys think that way?

yoodle

Joined: 9/30/2006

Msg: 97 (view)

'High morals Posted: 8/21/2008 9:39:09 PM
I tend not to like ice cream, and I tend to cringe when thinking about the current political realm. I'd be overwhelmed by the broad range of self expression at Burning Man, I can walk through the narthex where I've been a member for 8 years and be utterly unrecognized by most of the people, AND I swear though I find the language of those who use profanities liberally are probably the same ilk who liberally toss litter out the windows of their car. Up above, where the eye-for-eye retaliation was considered better than the avenge of a mafioso--those urges (to want to pile all the trash in the neighborhood on the offending teenager's doorstep)--to get even--reflect what I consider an unhealthy disposition, yet they are vibrant in my mind when others show the attitude of better-than-ness or you-owe-me. High morals? Eh. Someone may be keeping score, meticulously. That might be the person with high morals or it may well be the OP. Both are tedious and energy sucking and altogether miss the life-giving energy of POSITIVE action. And bonding with another--by really knowing them, knowing yourself, accepting both...that is a goal. Maybe a "high morals" person should simply say "no fly-by-nights" or carpet baggers. And that would wreak the same kind of retribution. Stay away from the high morals folk, if they don't resonate in your heart. Whatever I may be, I find the OP mincing and constipated. Oh, and I may be having a bad day. Maybe OP is having a bad day. Three such days in a row, and the date candidacy is history.

yoodle

Joined: 9/30/2006

Msg: 60 (view)

HELP HELP HELP! Posted: 8/19/2008 10:57:19 PM
reachforlife (msg55) and *blue* (msg2) have BOTH given excellent advice. Think of yourself--and get yourself out of this messiness! If you know something is out of whack (and it seems you do), LISTEN to your own better judgement! Time to quit drinking, honey bunny.

yoodle

Joined: 9/30/2006

Msg: 95 (view)

What one flaw would you NOT want your potential mate to have??? Posted: 8/17/2008 11:30:35 PM
Lying is probably the biggest psychological hit. Problems with hygiene, spending, or addictions makes for no attraction in the first place and therefore there was no deal to begin with. I have often found attitudes about spending, about "social status" to be hardwired to spending habits--and a worse habit: lying. When someone has unaddressed issues, those issues can be so intermingled someone's social function that a stranger can only dr0p back to self-preservation....

yoodle

Joined: 9/30/2006

Msg: 9 (view)

Detox Posted: 8/17/2008 4:47:41 AM
Dunno that anything that can get heavy metals out of your system, but I do know that activated charcoal is sometimes administered to folks who have consumed something poisonous. Works in my fish tank, too. There's a plethora of detox regimens out there; ask in your local health food store (one of them is drinking several cups of olive oil....eeeeeeeehhh). see lots online, such as: http://www.lef.org/protocols/prtcl-156c.shtml#treat

yoodle

Joined: 9/30/2006

Msg: 25 (view)

still think about her Posted: 8/14/2008 11:07:50 PM
however long you were in a relationship for(say 6 yrs.), it takes half the time to get over someone(3yrs.)....don't know if that is true or not... I'd say not. It takes time, and in some cases twice or four times as long to get over someone...s grieving is a highly personal process, and may involve myriad of different factors (memories, family dynamics, dashed hopes) from to one person to another. I agree with others: make the phone call, make the effort to talk--and even better if you can manage to do so in person. Just stop by and say hello; you may find your feelings might be rooted in her--or maybe only in a memory. My mother was engaged when she was 20, but broke the engagement and married someone else. When she was 46, she took a vacation (WITH my father), and wanted to look up her old beau. My father drove her to this guy's place of business.... If you're worried about her not picking up the phone, write a script and leave her a message. Or make the trip. I'm over 50 and I drive by high school friends' houses--I'm still 17 when I do that. I'd like to knock and say hi--and have done so....not even someone I was in love with. If you want to explore the breadth of feeling/doubt that two people in love may experience, a very simple but honest portrayal is readily available in an old film (before technique and psychodrama) I just saw. This is an eye opener, too, of how much our values and expectations have changed--and yet stayed the same...The More the Merrier with Jean Arthur, Joel McCrea, Charles Coburn, Richard Gaines.(George Stevens, 1943) 104 min. Watch some films like that--they may give you encouragement.

yoodle

Joined: 9/30/2006

Msg: 169 (view)

Why would you lie about your age? Posted: 8/13/2008 4:48:46 AM
OP said: I met a man (Lawyer)...He said it is vanity and the fact that he wants to attract a younger women. What he in fact did, was not allow me to make a decision based on true facts. In his profile he states very clearly he is honest. Perhaps he was really 61. I may have met him, too, but I don't "know" him--unsettling dishonesty, spoken with such authority. I wonder how a jury could make a decision based on his facts.

yoodle

Joined: 9/30/2006

Msg: 143 (view)

Anyone else always fall in love but are never loved back? Posted: 8/11/2008 12:10:46 AM
Well, yes, though I will change "always" and "never" to usually and rarely.

yoodle

Joined: 9/30/2006

Msg: 10 (view)

Private about phone number Posted: 8/9/2008 12:43:43 PM
PeteTheHeat: How do I block phone numbers from my cell? I've asked my provider about this and they say it can't be done. The phone number issue is not weird at all. I've shared my phone number and gotten 20 text messages in a 4 hour period--or 8 phone calls in the 30 minutes prior to meeting. In both instances, these came from nutbrains I'd never want to date a second time. THOSE are wierd--and they cost me money, too. I don't want or need such OCD behaviors, especially at work. I find it wierd that someone went online to look up my phone number from my email account. Now I have to obscure even THAT. If I didn't give it to him, perhaps there's a reason; like you, I think potential dates should respect your privacy. What I find objectionable is when this kind of boundary continues 3 months into a relationship.

yoodle

Joined: 9/30/2006

Msg: 20 (view)

Judging by a picture and getting to know someone Posted: 8/9/2008 11:47:29 AM
..I think there's other posts with this same topic...because I remember writing: Anyone ever worked with a real estate agent to buy a house? The pix and the actual house are often totally unrelated. Location, plumbing and electrical, remodeling scars--well, humans have these same features--or foibles... Even talk is no indicator of how well you'll be able to live with someone day-to-day. I think the OP should consider what kinds of resentment she's harboring...if you did NOT enjoy this person's company, move on. If you DID enjoyed this person's company, whose nose are you cutting off, anyway?

yoodle

Joined: 9/30/2006

Msg: 114 (view)

Men that say Never Again Posted: 8/9/2008 11:27:49 AM
G Ramsey why does marriage have to be the ultimate goal of a relationship?? For some men and women this isn't the ultimate goal. For others, it is. I may be idealistic in my views, but I want the emotional closeness and commitment, the common goals, and the level of trust you can have in a good marriage--where you're sitting on the porch swing together, can rely on one another to share, give, be open and make a life that encompasses both passions and dreams--heals fears. It takes a looooong time to trust someone if trust has been broken. By now (over 40), we have all been exposed to one-way giving in relationships--many marriages are unhappy and one-way giving may be the status quo. Over time, this situation leads to divorce (when the kids are grown and there is simply no friendship). However, it is a waste of this short life to set one's teeth on edge and dwell in isolation--distrusting, outwitting, outmaneuvering, or playing one-upmanship--with the world or with a potential mate. If dating someone shows that they're holding on to that "separation" or "isolation" attitude, only those who also want to hold onto that kind of attitude will stay--those who want more will move on. I've (mistakenly perhaps) stayed with someone who is hurting, thinking they'll heal...giving them opportunity to trust again. At some point, though, after being emptied out over and over again, MY needs need to be acknowledged, and I gotta believe their "never again" attitude is (as someone else said) self-fulfilling.

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