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 Author Thread: What are your thoughts on a romantic relationship between 14 and 18 year old girls?
 dmzvisitor
Joined: 3/25/2011
Msg: 20 (view)
 
What are your thoughts on a romantic relationship between 14 and 18 year old girls?
Posted: 5/25/2013 6:25:47 PM
I think it is too bad anytime one high schooler is prosecuted for a relationship with another--and I'm not up on the facts in this case, so I don't know if they were both in h.s. or not.

But an 18 year old knows the deal, and *especially* if they are already out of school or are hittin' up middle schoolers--that's just wrong, and whether it is male/female, female/female, male/male does not matter. You have to draw the line somewhere. Teachers tend to be very aware when the senior boy is hittin' on a freshman girl (well, in my school, anyway) and schools tend not to mix 9th and 10th graders with juniors and seniors for that very reason. But still, when kids are all in one building, and when older teens are still somewhat immature, the 18/14 thing can happen. I do not consider this what is meant by the term "sexual predator," but the law doesn't distinguish so 18 year olds (and 17 year olds, too) better pay attention.

The 18 year old girl had to be aware that she is a legal adult. While it may be too bad that she's getting prosecuted, she is no different than an 18 year old boy in this situation and needs to accept the consequences of her actions.
 dmzvisitor
Joined: 3/25/2011
Msg: 5 (view)
 
motivated towards pleasure or away from pain?
Posted: 5/19/2013 9:54:32 AM
I only know who he is from some movie--have never read his stuff. But I think he is completely wrong. Healthy people have a balance--they know they "dislike" pain but recognize that some challenge is necesarry for growth (working out, struggling with Pre-Calc in high school, whatever). They also understand that the pursuit of pleasure in and of itself is meaningless; you just end up hopping from one "insatiable" desire to the next, never feeling contented.

In all things, moderation (which is why a little bit of immoderate behavior is a good thing sometimes, too).
 dmzvisitor
Joined: 3/25/2011
Msg: 80 (view)
 
Cuddle vs. Snuggle
Posted: 5/19/2013 6:56:34 AM
I just can't get past the idea that one of these words is somehow more "childish" than another. So I just read the thread for the laughs. Thanks, folks!
 dmzvisitor
Joined: 3/25/2011
Msg: 109 (view)
 
Why do men act like they are always busy?
Posted: 5/19/2013 6:38:20 AM
Who cares why? Delete, move on.

I am too busy myself to spend time wondering about another person's motives.
 dmzvisitor
Joined: 3/25/2011
Msg: 24 (view)
 
Dating advice
Posted: 5/13/2013 5:33:40 PM
Practice helps, but really, you need to become more confident--not in a**** and arrogant way, but in the "I'm human, so I'm not perfect" kind of way. Accept yourself as you are and you may stop trying to impress others. Sounds like some of this is at the root of your problem.

And remember, you are NOT trying to get someone to like you. You just want to have fun while figuring out if this is someone you could really dig. So what if she is beautiful or hot. Is she kind? Generous, at least of spirit? Thoughtful and cares about others, the world around her? Does she think carefully about important subjects and listen with an open mind to points of views that differ from hers? Sure, you are not asking these questions when you are just having fun, but at some level, remember that you will, sooner or later, want something more substantial than a pretty face. It does not matter how beautiful a woman is if her soul is ugly, and you want to stop being so dazzled by the former that you can't see the latter, if for no other reason than self-preservation.
 dmzvisitor
Joined: 3/25/2011
Msg: 9 (view)
 
Ex stopped talking to me
Posted: 5/11/2013 5:00:11 AM
It is too bad you let yourself stay involved with the ex. He does not sound like a very decent person--he's treated you quite badly. Of course, the other side of that is that you allowed him to do so.

Love should be easy, most of the time. All the angst people post is evidence that either they love drama (and if both do, that's fine, but please do not expect me to take your "problems" seriously), are they are not well-matched. All this stuff about "love is hard" is b.s.

Learn to be happily single before dating again, and you won't be so desperate to be in a relationship that you accept something that is so complicated.

And yes, he probably really is busy--with someone else. Sorry you have to hear it on POF, but that is very likely the truth. It sounds like the two of you are the types who don't like to feel alone, so he stayed connected to you until he found someone else. Now he's dropping you like the fall-back plan you were. Harsh but very likely true. And I am sorry, not trying to be mean or sarcastic. Your post just has that "needs a dose of reality" written all over it.
 dmzvisitor
Joined: 3/25/2011
Msg: 37 (view)
 
moving in after 3 days...can it really succeed?
Posted: 5/11/2013 4:53:56 AM
It is not your job to rescue your friend.

Maybe pick smarter friends?
 dmzvisitor
Joined: 3/25/2011
Msg: 110 (view)
 
No kids,never married, what kinda midlife crisis they go through?
Posted: 5/9/2013 4:28:49 PM

Subject: No kids,never married, what kinda midlife crisis they go through?


I have heard that they suddenly sell their nice car and buy a beat up, trash filled junker. They dump their attractive, younger partner and start buying magazines filled with pics of worn-out, frumpy looking mid-lifers. They give up the annual month in the Caribbean and instead spend summer vacations driving their unreliable car with no a/c to places with nothing to see/do, and staying with family members they don't really like all that much.

I'm kind of hoping to catch one on the rebound :)
 dmzvisitor
Joined: 3/25/2011
Msg: 12 (view)
 
nosepicking
Posted: 5/5/2013 4:54:59 PM
Having mental health issues does not usually mean you lose all sense of what is appropriate (and while it does for some, that does not mean any of us have to find them sexually attractive or even nominally compatible). Very nice people may have habits we simply can't tolerate--and, if you cannot gently steer this person in a better direction, please just lose the guilt! And even if you can steer them, their past habit might just give you the "ick factor" that will totally destroy any chance you will ever find them hot--it happens. I am *quite* certain it would happen to me if I saw an otherwise fine man doing what you mention. I would not get over it--but that's me.

Good luck with your dx and tx and with resuming the search for a relationship when the time comes!
 dmzvisitor
Joined: 3/25/2011
Msg: 19 (view)
 
Can an idealist and a realist 'find love' (or you know date successfully)
Posted: 5/4/2013 12:25:59 PM
I would say your example isn't about "idealists vs. realists," it is about people who are out of touch with reality and probably too self-absorbed to notice.

I am a happy person because I choose to be. Yes. BUT--and this is a "big butt" kind of but--I have *my* moments of feeling down and I have lots of empathy or sympathy (depending on the situation) for my friends and loved ones when they feel down.

Your friends and former partner are indicating that as far as they are concerned, you are not allowed to vent or otherwise admit to needing support. They are telling you that you must always be strong, that it is your "job" in the relationship.

Obviously, these are people who may be fun to hang out with on occasion, but they will never be the ones to enjoy your complete trust and confidence, your "go-to" kind of friends.

Happy types are like magnets to the insecure--those who need to feed off our psychic energy, so to speak, as they (hopefully) learn to grow as people. If they are fun and entertaining, we are ok with that--and God willing, they will mature and become even better friends, and they will recognize and be thankful for our role in their lives.

Those who do not grow tend to wear on us. I mean, they will have the same complaints year after year after year, and never get passed the problems. They want rescuing, and of course, no one can rescue them--they need to do it themselves. They will say that they understand that, but really, they don't.

I have friends in all these categories. I occasionally will let a friendship die out if someone has nothing to add to my life (if they are 100% takers and don't make me laugh occasionally, that sort of thing). But I would never be in a close and certainly not a loving relationship with someone who needs me to be the strong, happy one, 100% of the time.
 dmzvisitor
Joined: 3/25/2011
Msg: 32 (view)
 
Let Freedom Ring, or Get her a Ring?
Posted: 5/1/2013 5:52:29 PM
"All the barriers" are removed--now that you have moved out and aren't trying to be together anymore.

You rushed into the relationship. It burned out quickly. Time passed, and now it is looking like a good thing again.

Really?

This has "drama club" written all over it. And I think it is a shame that this 11 year old was exposed to someone so quickly, had to make room for him in her home so quickly, and lost him so quickly. Rinse and repeat?

You do not want to be bashed, but you are being really irresponsible about this child's emotional connection to you. Yes, her mom is a lot more responsible, but knowing your history with mom, how could you even thing this relationship has LONG TERM potential? You have not said a single thing to indicate as much--and you had to move out and be apart to get the barriers out of the way. But the "barriers" were just real life. What happens when things get tough again? Did you do counseling and learn not to let your professional life interfere with your personal relationships?

Please stop looking back. You didn't last before and you won't last now. Why put yourself, and this poor kid, through all that again?

If dating is easy and being single is easy, then why are you even considering doing anything else? You stay with someone because they make your life seem easy, because loving them is easy.

It should not be this hard, esp. at what is still essentially a relative "new" relationship.
 dmzvisitor
Joined: 3/25/2011
Msg: 6 (view)
 
Friendship question which may shed light on my love life
Posted: 5/1/2013 5:10:57 PM
My guess is that you are not reading non-verbal cues very well, and you might be offending and/or boring people without realizing it.

It's really hard to get this perspective on one's self, so if you have siblings or other close relatives, ask them.

This is a shot in the dark and based simply on an experience with someone I know who could have written your post. Ignore me if it sounds ridiculous!
 dmzvisitor
Joined: 3/25/2011
Msg: 3 (view)
 
He's going back to his ex but wants to remain friends
Posted: 4/28/2013 9:12:46 AM
A man insisting I take his name as a condition of marriage would be a deal-breaker for me. No man who truly understands equality would insist on it--so it would be evidence of something I am not interested in tying myself to. There are too many good men out there who get it and are not emasculated because a woman has her own indentity.

But a man who goes back to an ex and wants to remain friends with a woman he has said he is falling in love with? That's just cruel toward you. Regardless of how much he enjoys your company, etc., he should know that he made the decision to part ways and he is no longer entitled to benefit from the awesomeness that is you. For your sake, you say no to an offer of friendship. If the time comes that you can truly think about him without pain, and are truly in no danger of falling for him again, then maybe you can initiate friendship. But it is your decision, not his, and you need to be kind to yourself.
 dmzvisitor
Joined: 3/25/2011
Msg: 85 (view)
 
is this normal?
Posted: 4/27/2013 1:19:06 PM

Posted By: womaninprogress on 4/26/2013 1245 PM
Subject: is this normal?
Message:

The insecure people need to date the insecure people. The people who thinks its outrageous/ridiculous/deceitful to maintain a friendship with an ex need to date others that feel the same.

I have two close male friends, the ex-husband I talked about in my earlier post and my highschool best friend. I've been friends with these two men for over 30 years now. My friendships with these men are not negotiable and I make that clear in a conversational way early on in any potential relationship. Jealousy or angst about those friendships is an absolute dealbreaker for me.

Having said that, I would always show respect for my partner by including him in social outings where possible (ie I wouldn't feel like I shouldn't go for a coffee if my partner wasn't able to join us, but I also wouldn't plan a dinner out[ just with me and the ex).


A completely rational response to the OP. Kudos.


+2.
 dmzvisitor
Joined: 3/25/2011
Msg: 97 (view)
 
PROBLEM with stepkid
Posted: 4/27/2013 9:32:11 AM
It is in the best interest of your husband's son and the grandchild to leave the child with the maternal family. This allows the mom to get her education and provides stability for the baby--two things the young father should really support since he is not in a position to support his own family yet. He is still very young and clearly immature (I don't mean that in a pejorative way), and needs to demonstrate through his actions that he can care for a child before he takes the child out of a home prepared to support it.

Grandpa needs to balance the interests of this baby against the interests of its daddy--and clearly, leaving the child with the maternal family is best right now. That can change and Grandpa can take action if/when the baby would truly have its best interests met by living with its daddy--that is, when daddy can demonstrate he has the skills and income to support a child properly. This isn't about son/daddy anymore.
 dmzvisitor
Joined: 3/25/2011
Msg: 66 (view)
 
He acted like he was doing me a favour by dating me.
Posted: 4/27/2013 6:46:29 AM
I'd be really damn irritated and if it was a relative stranger, he'd get the boot.

But a long-term friend whose never shown that side to me? Yes, he probably is just a narcissist, but I'd talk to him about why it is such an offensive thing to have said and done, but even more offensive that he would even THINK that way.

Whether or not you two are a couple, the friendship might "require" (and I use the term loosely) that you attempt to educate him. He may just really be a clueless schmuck who has inclinded toward the damsel in distress w/o every asking himself why, and then when it doesn't work out, he's unhappy and confused. In other words, you might be able to act as a real friend and help him grow away from some very immature attitudes, and to discover that he holds some pretty pathetic stereotypes of women (and possible other groups) in his head w/o even realizing it.

People can outgrow such thinking--rare but possible. As an act of friendship, you can confront him about it. It's up to him to choose whether or not he wants to challenge his own thinking.

There is a chance that he could grow enough to become the type of person you would enjoy dating. Or not. But hey, worth a shot, and it is a good thing all around when one person finally loses their idiotic pre-conceptions.
 dmzvisitor
Joined: 3/25/2011
Msg: 35 (view)
 
Confused
Posted: 4/27/2013 5:32:11 AM
+1 for Walts. You know he is too critical--so why on earth are you looking for validation of your secret hope he will have changed and is trying to get you back b/c he loves you and only you?

If you had a 6 year relationship, you know him better than any of us. He hasn't changed--you just wish he had. He may or may not be trying to stay in your good graces as his "plan B." Maybe he is too critical as a bf but decent enough to send you small things when he thinks of you. It's not impossible.

But, really, you should be moving on and not caring what a "too critical" ex is doing. Sounds like you are having trouble moving on.
 dmzvisitor
Joined: 3/25/2011
Msg: 6 (view)
 
First date
Posted: 4/27/2013 5:15:59 AM
There is no "rule" so it is up to you to decide what is acceptable. You can say, "I'll get this" as you reach for the bill, or you can say, "Your part of this is . . . " Even better (though not as easy), make it clear what you intend when you set up the meet, by saying, "I'd like to meet you and treat you to the [drink] of your choice," or, "I'd like to meet you; why don't we meet at [place name and time]; I'll be getting a cup of coffee and you can grab yours and find me in the back." You get the picture.

Failing to say thank you is not terribly gracious, but I'm not sure it is always a sense of entitlement. I sometimes forget when there is a conversation going on as the bill is paid, or as we say good bye, or whatever. I usually remember later and say it by phone or email. I don't forget often, but it has happened. I prefer to pay my own way on first meets, so usually the "thank you" is in relation to something else--and I do the same with friends or family. But if conversation is flowing and a woman is engaged in it with you, to me that is a more important sign than if she says thank you, b/c it can be a simple oversight b/c of being engaged in whatever else is going on at the time.

Still, anyone--male or female--who acts like they are doing you a favor by meeting with you, is not likely to be a good long-term prospect. Look at the whole picture of the interaction before you write off someone. As for not handling your joke very well, that can be self-consciousness or just lack of interest. It's up to you to decide. If you liked her enough otherwise, maybe give her a 2nd chance, and of course do not cut her slack for continued lack of graciousness--a one-off is acceptable, but a pattern is a sign.
 dmzvisitor
Joined: 3/25/2011
Msg: 22 (view)
 
Am i being silly?
Posted: 4/26/2013 2:18:03 PM
I don't see the point in asking someone if they want an easy lay or are looking for something more. If they are decent, they'll tell you the truth. If they are not, they will tell you what you want to hear. Either way, their answer means nothing because you won't know who is telling the truth and who is lying. Yes, some guys will admit that they aren't really looking for "long term," but many won't.

So enjoy and as others have said, only have sex when you want to, not on his time table. Losing a guy b/c your time tables do not match is ok; you weren't that compatible, so why worry about it?

Taking extra time to feel comfortable enough to share your body with someone is always a good choice. Gives you time to find out about his sexual health, too, which you really should be doing if you are even considering have sex with this person. Getting tested together doesn't mean you have to have sex "tomorrow," but it may be enough to reassure you and help build trust. I'd be running from any guy who wouldn't agree to it.

And if you can't talk about it with him, you sure shouldn't be having sex with him.
 dmzvisitor
Joined: 3/25/2011
Msg: 5 (view)
 
Childfree life
Posted: 4/23/2013 3:48:12 PM
You are still pretty young, and your feelings could change. Or, you could find someone who is like-minded now--and then his feelings change in the future. Having said that, it is of course best to live your life now as you want to and let the future take care of itself. Date around, but do not get serious with anyone who absolutely knows he wants to be a dad, because you just don't see that happening.

And try not to feel so "abnormal" or whatever. You are wise to know how you feel about it and it takes courage to resist the social pressure. Who cares whether child-rearing is the "norm" or not when it clearly isn't for you?

Have fun, be safe, and good luck.
 dmzvisitor
Joined: 3/25/2011
Msg: 41 (view)
 
Once a cheater...
Posted: 4/22/2013 6:03:05 PM
Sounds like you handled things in the marriage very well. And yes, finding out a partner is cheating will often be the end of the relationship--and that is not the end of the world, as you clearly know. Your initial post did not contain the information that your ex cheated on you twice. I would think that would make you particularly leery of someone with a history of cheating.

It would concern me, too, that he seems to be in a rush. That, combined with the cheating, suggests to me that he is impulsive, and if he hasn't learned to handle his own impulsiveness, well . . .

You will handle it well, I have no doubt. Good luck, whatever you decide.
 dmzvisitor
Joined: 3/25/2011
Msg: 6 (view)
 
Once a cheater...
Posted: 4/21/2013 11:42:11 AM
His word just isn't good enough. He needs to know why he cheated and what he can and will do to prevent it from happening again.

If he cheated because he wanted "out" and was too chicken to leave, then he needs to work through that, and *maybe* he won't repeat the past.

If he cheated because he is selfish and thought it would be ok b/c he wouldn't get caught, just run like the wind. I don't think there is any fixin' that type of personality disorder.

I think most cheating happens for one of these two reasons. I could be wrong--haven't given it that much thought. But certainly he needs to do some introspection--and preferably with professional help--if he wants to move away from past behaviors.

You could also grow, by accepting that cheating could happen and realizing it isn't the end of the world.

But don't tell him that :)

Good luck.
 dmzvisitor
Joined: 3/25/2011
Msg: 14 (view)
 
Boyfriend broke up with me out of the blue- what would you do?
Posted: 4/14/2013 6:13:20 PM
I'm sorry, OP. It sounds like you are both nice people. It just wasn't what he needed/wanted/could handle/whatever at this time.

Move on, and do not look back. This is really hard, esp. if he comes around saying, "I made a mistake." Do not listen. Sure, that is what he might be convinced is true--but it is not. He broke up with you b/c he did not feel the kind of overwhelming interest, affection, and attraction that is needed to make something last.

So resolve to putting him out of your life. None of this "friends" stuff, b/c you are too attached. Not fair to you at all. Do not take his calls, read his emails or texts, or anything. Tell your friends to stop you if you start talking about him. Give yourself some time each day to feel bad, but limit it--30 minutes, then 25, then 15, and so on. Make a commitment to yourself to re-direct your thoughts when they wander to him. It is very hard at first but gets much easier with practice.

You'll be ok.
 dmzvisitor
Joined: 3/25/2011
Msg: 33 (view)
 
Has this ever happened to you? Disgusted. Long
Posted: 4/14/2013 8:26:47 AM

Uh, at least I'm honest


No, you are not. You say you were "stoned" when you met her, but you have on your profile that you don't do drugs.

Furthermore, your little story reveals that you drove after having at least 3-4 drinks. Do you know how irresponsible that is? But I'm sure people whose loved ones are killed by drinking druggies are much relieved to hear that they are honest.

No one here would defend a person who misrepresented herself. Unfortunately, you made a post that revealed you were as bad (misrepresenting self) or worse (driving stoned and/or intoxicated).

You can keep trying to re-focus the issue on her misrepresentation, but those stories are a dime a dozen on here. People exposing themselves like you have are a bit more novel.
 dmzvisitor
Joined: 3/25/2011
Msg: 22 (view)
 
Has this ever happened to you? Disgusted. Long
Posted: 4/14/2013 6:46:19 AM
The drinking and driving is totally inexcusable. You know that.

If one bad date is enough to make you give up, then do so. Or maybe you are just impulsive--as your last week's too-soon post and this post both suggest.

Maybe stop dating for a while and read more on this site. Learn. Find out how to navigate your community without having to drive if you plan on getting stoned and drunk everytime you have a negative life experience.

25 is really too old for excuses. Your brain is more-or-less fully developed by now. I'm pretty tolerant of stupid life lessons from people through about 23 or so, but yeah, you need to take stock.

If nothing more, you should have learned by now not to give in to every impulse to post your life history online.
 dmzvisitor
Joined: 3/25/2011
Msg: 74 (view)
 
aaaarrrrgggghhhh!
Posted: 4/13/2013 11:44:23 AM
Stop and think about it, OP. Someone contacts you and you have no interest in dating them. You can send no reply, or you can let them down "easy" by pointing out some "problem" that would not matter one single hoot if you were attracted to them.

I cannot believe how many people think that they are being rejected for some reason OTHER than the most obvious one: the "rejector" feels no attraction to you.

Don't take it personally, but do understand that 98 out of 100 people will not be attracted to one another. You just gotta slug it out until you find the one.
 dmzvisitor
Joined: 3/25/2011
Msg: 31 (view)
 
Not Noticing the Obvious...
Posted: 4/13/2013 6:41:48 AM
I'm actually perfect, so I don't have to do this. hahahahahaha.
 dmzvisitor
Joined: 3/25/2011
Msg: 40 (view)
 
Relationships Today
Posted: 4/12/2013 5:36:41 PM
If a person I care about feels so insecure that he needs proof of it every day while we are apart, he probably isn't the guy for me.

You need to decide, OP, if his expectation is something you are comfortable with. You were *not* in any way in the wrong, from my point of view--he was the one having a need unmet, so it was/is his job to convey that message in a mature and loving way--not in a tantrum of selfishness.

Think how different it would be if he called while you were gone and said, hey, I just need to hear your voice each day, so please call when you get a moment, and I'll try to call you when I get a chance, so we touch base at least once a day. I'll be you would be a lot more receptive and understanding. Heck, even I would probably "hear" that as reasonable and would not see it as a sign of insecurity, if expressed that way (and I do not like needy men).
 dmzvisitor
Joined: 3/25/2011
Msg: 14 (view)
 
exclusive talk on first date
Posted: 4/12/2013 4:24:37 PM
It would never have occurred to me that a man saying, "Tell them you met someone," meant anything other than, "Let them down by using a familiar line." Nothing is more common than a girl saying to a guy who asks her out--but she does not want to date him--"Sorry, I have a boy friend." This is just a more adult version. It's common online and men use it too. "Thanks for writing. I've just started seeing someone and need to see how it goes. Good luck in your search." It's a polite form of rejection, basically.

As to you mentioning that you are not currently seeing anyone else--he would need to be clear about his intentions if he thought the two of you were having the "exclusive" talk. He cannot assume anything based on what you said. Just because you are not currently seeing anyone else, it does not mean he can assume you won't soon be seeing someone else. Not unless he brings it up and asks for you to date him exclusively.

I don't see where there has been any reason to jump to the conclusion that you *were* having the exclusive talk. If you honestly think he might have meant that, then clarify by asking him why he said you should tell others that you have met someone. It's a simple question. Ask. And be honest in letting him know you aren't ready to commit to him (or anyone else) exclusively just yet.
 dmzvisitor
Joined: 3/25/2011
Msg: 20 (view)
 
I'm having a hard time.
Posted: 4/11/2013 6:37:23 PM
If you don't like to be ignored, you have two choices. Get over it, or leave POF.

Many women have had the unpleasant experience of sending a "Thanks, but no thanks," reply, only to find their inbox filled with hateful messages and/or some creeper trying to argue with them.

"No reply" IS a reply. Get used to it if you want to use POF as a way to meet potential dates.

You definitely need to be a lot more active seeking dates IRL, though, b/c at your age, the odds are very much in favor of the girls.

Read these forums for a couple of weeks or months and you'll have a better idea of what to expect (ie, nothing). A thick skin, no expectations, and a love of the ridiculous will make your time here much more entertaining. Good luck!
 dmzvisitor
Joined: 3/25/2011
Msg: 44 (view)
 
Well I just said NO to a offer of friends with benefits
Posted: 4/11/2013 6:26:49 PM
I'm still sort of stuck on the idea that he "gave" her some time to think about it. Maybe that was done better IRL than it sounds like in the printed word, but in my mind, some guy is saying, "I want to be able to f*ck you but not have any other type of contact with you. This is what I want, and what I want is really all that matters. But, because I'm a nice guy, I'll give you some time to think about it. 24 hours, in fact. I'll expect your final answer at 1:17 pm tomorrow. Talk [type] to you then."

Sorry, OP, that's just the direction my mind went. I am quite certain you did the right thing but I'm unclear about why you feel you might have "missed" an opportunity. An opportunity for what? Given where you are right now, you did not miss an opportunity--you avoided sex you were not ready for. And that's a good thing. And if you feel differently in the future, like "Hmm. I think I might enjoy some casual sex!" you can call this guy and I will bet that he'll say yes, even though he already gave you time to think about it. ;)
 dmzvisitor
Joined: 3/25/2011
Msg: 57 (view)
 
Gift Advice Needed
Posted: 4/11/2013 6:15:46 PM
Definitely too much too soon. Very thoughtful, though, and it is something to hold onto as an idea when you are futher into the relationship--exclusive and a "special event" type gift. Or, just spend the money on something you want to do and invite her along. Really, a good woman does not need to be treated like a princess (even if you want to treat her that way). A really good woman values your time with her more than anything else.

Or, if you *really* feel the need to be generous, my mailing address is. . . :)
 dmzvisitor
Joined: 3/25/2011
Msg: 19 (view)
 
Was I wrong?
Posted: 4/11/2013 6:04:43 PM
Of course you did the right thing. In fact, I can't believe you gave her that many chances. Furthermore, if she never suggested a time she could get together with you, then it's pretty clear she just wasn't interested enough--for whatever reason. You deserve better. After the 2nd refusal, it was time to say good bye. I hope those 6 weeks worth of phone calls were worth it!

Remember that how a relationship starts out is how it is likely to continue. Do you really want something 'long term' with someone who isn't just as eager to be with you as you are with them?
 dmzvisitor
Joined: 3/25/2011
Msg: 18 (view)
 
Women can fix this!
Posted: 4/11/2013 5:37:45 PM
I cannot even imagine complaining about the creepers. It is just part and parcel of life--you go out jogging (ok, when you are young and hot), and some men will say unpleasant things. You get online, and some guys will be offensive to you.

But really, *any* woman who thinks that all men are "pigs" because a few are--well, IMO women like that are just not worth anyone's time.

I don't find that there is a problem that needs "fixing." I do not think women are really all that stupid, to judge most men by the actions of a few. And if those women are--just don't click on their profile. I don't click on a single profile that mentions "players" or "drama," because that tells me the guy has a view that women "are just like that." It is sexism when men do it, and sexism when women do it.
 dmzvisitor
Joined: 3/25/2011
Msg: 9 (view)
 
First date filled with mutual affection....then POOF!
Posted: 4/7/2013 2:15:13 PM
It is possible that your text was deleted w/o actually being read. I've done that by accident. In that case, you come off as being rather ungrateful and something of a princess. Add to this that you were not initiating contact with him, he might have thought that it just simply was too one-sided and you weren't really that interested in him.

He could also be married and got busted by your last msg.

Until you ask him, however, you will never know.
 dmzvisitor
Joined: 3/25/2011
Msg: 25 (view)
 
is it time to give up the idea of having kids after 35?
Posted: 4/7/2013 12:04:15 PM
At 35, you are starting to lose fertility--a small decline at 30, and much bigger at 35. By 40, your chances of conceiving naturally are almost nil. But everyone is different, so you might want to talk to a reproductive endocrinologist. This is not to scare you; I'm pretty knowledgeable on the topic and you seem to need information.

You can talk to the doctor about doing a cycle for invitro and freezing any embryos that result. That way you can preserve your best chance of having a biological child later-in-life.

FWIW, I have 2 kids through biology and one through adoption. There really is no difference. One thing that adoption does is focus you more on the child as his/her own person--you don't expect that child to have your talents, etc. It's a wonderful thing, watching a child unfold into his or her own being.
 dmzvisitor
Joined: 3/25/2011
Msg: 76 (view)
 
Is this true:basically men want a sexy woman/women want a successful man?
Posted: 4/7/2013 7:19:38 AM

OP is correct: Evolutionary Psychology/Evolutionary Biology Successful men want the most attractive mate & attractive women get the more successful men. There is a pecking order in mating, just read Dr. Helen Fisher, David Buss & any other evolutionary scientist. It's a hardwired instinct that many people are not even aware of.


I have to disagree with you here, B.A. A lot of this is just bad science, trying to explain modern, socialized tendencies by reference to biology. Archeological and anthropological evidence provides a lot of evidence to the contrary. In particular, the idea that women seek "good providers" is incorrect. Social organization among many groups at the tribal stage finds evidence of matrilineal and matrilocal organization--male sexual partners came and went, but the female partners depended on their male and female relatives for support.

And I'm always astonished that anyone would believe that men sought out the "most attractive" females. Humans would not have survived if males of the species had been selective.
 dmzvisitor
Joined: 3/25/2011
Msg: 19 (view)
 
Why do Men of a Certain Age HATE Facebook?
Posted: 4/7/2013 7:01:21 AM
Ha, yeah, it would be hard to cheat on your partner if you have FB and use it for posting anything.

But I have as many male friends as female friends, from different stages of life, and I do not see a gender bias.

I don't post anything personal and control who sees what. I also don't give out my personal info in my profile. The advertising that shows up on my page is a clear indication that FB has no idea who I really am.

I'd agree that anyone who has strong feelings about it is either hiding something or paranoid (haters), or doesn't have much going on in real life (those who say they couldn't live without it).

I spend a lot more time on other sites for information and amusement, although I also prefer to find my entertainment in real life.
 dmzvisitor
Joined: 3/25/2011
Msg: 51 (view)
 
If you were the other woman - would you want to know?
Posted: 4/6/2013 5:09:04 PM
Oh, and I forgot to say, I absolutely would want to know. If a guy has been married and allowed me to believe he was single, I'd want to stop seeing him b/c he's a big fat liar head and I'd want nothing to do with him. I'd thank the wife for telling me and wish her luck being rid of his pathetic azz. I would not apologize, though, b/c I would not have been the one to wrong her if I didn't know.
 dmzvisitor
Joined: 3/25/2011
Msg: 82 (view)
 
Not attracted physically
Posted: 4/6/2013 5:06:20 PM
Start whacking off to pics of heavier, less trendy women. Focus on what is sexy to you--nipples, whatever. You can retrain your brain, you know.

But really, if you aren't attracted, then you owe it to her to say so and let her decide how she feels about this. Suggestions that she remake herself are just offensive, like saying she isn't good enough. But letting her know you would *like* to find her more attractive b/c you are just crazy about her in every other way, is the mature--and difficult--thing to do. What if you go shopping and she chooses clothes you don't particularly like? Why should she choose clothes you want, unless *she* has decided that looking goof for you is important to her?

I'd be completely offended if a man suggested I dress or behave in a certain way that was not me. If it was someone I was already attached to and he said it was a problem for the long term, I'd be weighing the "is he worth it" question and then decide. But we'd have to find the compromise that is "still me" and "also attractive to him." I'm not wearing certain types of clothes or shoes for anyone, except maybe in the bedroom where they would be off in a jiffy.
 dmzvisitor
Joined: 3/25/2011
Msg: 38 (view)
 
If you were the other woman - would you want to know?
Posted: 4/6/2013 10:30:38 AM
If she does not know he is married, then she deserves to know. He has been dishonest and has lied to her. I would see it more as a kindness than being evil. She may also deserve better than to end up with his lying, cheating azz. Err on the side of assuming she is a good person, and tell her so she can decide what to do now that you are dumping him.

I'm not as certain when it comes to telling a married woman her husband is cheating. Outside of possible exposure to STDs, the married partner has a long history with the cheater and it is a long-term relationship -- possibly with children--that is being affected. I would probably encourage truth because the married partner deserves to choose whether to continue in the relationship with the cheater, but it might depend more on other circumstances.
 dmzvisitor
Joined: 3/25/2011
Msg: 55 (view)
 
I think I have doen something rather stupid
Posted: 4/6/2013 10:23:03 AM
You will be a lot happier if you do not waste one ounce of emotional energy wondering why someone lied or otherwise behaved badly. Work on developing the attitude of "Ok, next!" when a relationship breaks down. You have no control over how another person reacts to their situation, so you can only control your reaction. People feel hurt and angry when they think negatively about another's behavior and take it personally. Just do not take it personally. You cannot know why someone behaves badly and to take it personally is the mistake. It's their behavior. And it is not a rejection of you so much as it is a continuing search for someone who matches their needs. Why should you feel upset that you didn't meet their needs? You want someone whose needs you meet and who meets your needs. At least 1/2 the equation wasn't there, and one way or another, he let you know--Next!

Most connections do not end in something permanent or long term. No biggie.
 dmzvisitor
Joined: 3/25/2011
Msg: 7 (view)
 
actually meeting people in person
Posted: 3/31/2013 1:48:44 PM
A lot of people on POF are just playing a game (some of them realize this, but I'm sure most do not). They stretch the truth or flat out lie to keep you talking to them--so then when it comes to meeting you, they can't follow through b/c their lies will be exposed.

Best strategy: Make a "meet & greet" (not a date) for a place convenient to you in your regular course of daily life. Plan 15-20 minutes (coffee, an ice cream, a stroll around a small park, whatever). Then if the person doesn't show up, you haven't wasted much time. If they do show up, you both get a sense of whether or not a "real" date will be in your future.

Be aware that in addition to those who do not even show, there will be no mutual attraction between you/the guy when someone does show, about 99% of the time. We don't click with most of the people we meet--no big surprise, but some people think this should somehow be "easy." Just take it for what it is and have fun in your life whether or not you meet someone special. Good luck.
 dmzvisitor
Joined: 3/25/2011
Msg: 24 (view)
 
For women: Why is it so important that the man drive a car?
Posted: 3/31/2013 1:41:48 PM
Not having a car for the reasons you state would not bother me. I'd wonder if you were crazy (MN, not FL, right?) but that can be verified.

I love driving even though I also appreciate that other people make different choices. So driving "us" would not be an issue. Heck, I don't drink so I'm always the DD anyway whenever I go out with friends or when I was married.

If the lack of a car is limiting the pool of women interested in dating you, is that a bad thing?
 dmzvisitor
Joined: 3/25/2011
Msg: 26 (view)
 
What was dating like before cell phones and pagers?
Posted: 3/30/2013 5:48:50 PM
Not that different for me, b/c I treat my phone like a . . . phone. I only answer it when it is convenient to me. I turn it off when I'm with the people I love and want to focus on them.

I had one guy call me to suggest I should call him daily. I broke up with him in the course of that call.

"Back in the day. . ." some girls sat by phones, hoping "he" would call. Others went about their own lives. Family members took a message or someone would call back if they didn't reach you the first time.

We had a "party line" for a while--3 or so families shared a phone line and you could hear anyone who was already on when you picked up your phone. They had to hang up before you could call. We only had to dial 5 digits :)

A phone is only a tool. If it controls you, you become the tool.
 dmzvisitor
Joined: 3/25/2011
Msg: 34 (view)
 
Is this normal
Posted: 3/29/2013 4:55:47 PM
"Pushy" would turn me off, right then and there. If you have expressed a disinterest in meeting, just cut off contact if he continues to push.

I cannot get a good feeling about someone who is pushy about meeting someone 140 miles away. There is no future if you have no desire for long distance. His continued effort to change your mind comes across to me as possibly desperate or suspicious (depends on how he's doing it), and definitely discounts your stated position.
 dmzvisitor
Joined: 3/25/2011
Msg: 66 (view)
 
Insensitive or just trying to help?
Posted: 3/29/2013 7:52:54 AM
His one flaw is that he is CRITICAL and CONTROLLING. So what if his abs were perfect? Time to lose his shallow, selfish azz.
 dmzvisitor
Joined: 3/25/2011
Msg: 27 (view)
 
Bf rarely wants sex
Posted: 3/28/2013 7:44:19 PM
He should have a medical check up just to make sure nothing is out of whack, and his check up should include a screening for depression.

If it is a problem for you, then consider your options. You can read more about other women who have married a man with a low sex drive at talkaboutmarriage.com and learn some coping strategies.

Good luck.
 dmzvisitor
Joined: 3/25/2011
Msg: 9 (view)
 
Dating with a learning disability
Posted: 3/28/2013 5:32:33 AM
Spartan, what a kind and thoughtful response. I hope the OP sees it even though he has gone *poof.*

For others reading this thread who have similar issues, just keep learning about yourself, practicing as much as you can to improve your social skills, and lead the life you want to lead with or without a partner. A smart person realizes that anyone who understands their own disability is going to make a better partner than the many, many, many who live in denial of their own issues.

Good luck, OP (I hope you see this).
 dmzvisitor
Joined: 3/25/2011
Msg: 18 (view)
 
10 things NOT to do on a date!
Posted: 3/27/2013 8:29:50 PM
RE: some of the reaction on here to your post--

It's a full moon tonight. Might explain the date, too, now that I think of it. hahahahaha.
 
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