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 Author Thread: Multiple partners??
 djreptile
Joined: 11/8/2006
Msg: 40 (view)
 
Multiple partners??
Posted: 7/24/2007 5:46:19 PM
Ok,

As someone who is experienced with this sort of scene and these types of relationships the best description I've heard given is this "Kinky and Poly relationships are the graduate studies of relationships". In the same way that not many people have Master's degrees, even fewer have PhDs and an even smaller group have multiples of either there are not many people who can make that kind of relationship work. Now add on top of this the fact that, as clearly demonstrated here, society is not entirely accepting of such alternative relationships...I've seen relationships break because one set of parents didn't approve, imagine not being able to tell any of your family or friends about certain aspects of your relationship and we can see how things might go south quickly.

My first recommendation is to go buy and read The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt. If you're curious about such relationships, if you're considering one, hell if you're in the middle of one go buy this book and read it cover to cover; more than once! It will give you an excellent overview from two women who have been living it for many years now, one of whom is a counselor specializing in alternative relationships. Be wary of anyone who makes blanket statements like "threesomes never work", or "you can make it work if you really love them". While such sweeping generalizations may be all well and good when dealing with the immutable laws of physics I've found they have more to do with the speakers prejudices than any objective reality when it comes to human relationships.

Remember, what works for one person is not neccesarily going to work for you and nowhere is this more true than in the realm of human relations. Certain strategies may have a higher success rate than others but I usually take that as evidence of the simplicity of the strategy, not it's inherent superiority. After all just about everyone is able to learn to ride a bicycle but precious few have the ability to master the intricacies of jet piloting. That doesn't make either person or activity better or more admirable, it simply means the people are different and riding a bike far less complicated than piloting jet aircraft.

that this man was up front with you about his desires, and communicated them openly and honestly, to me, speaks very highly of him. Should you decide to give it a go, remember the two most important things are;

1) You must be intimate with yourself before you can be intimate with others. You need to know yourself extremely well, what your patterns of behavior are, your emotional triggers, and moreover how YOU can control them. Our reactions to what other people do are for the most part under your own control we simply are never taught how to control them. This is something The Ethical Slut will cover in depth.

2) There is never too much communication. Understand though, real communication is a genuine EXCHANGE of information, not that mindless babbling that often passes for it. It is critical you both communicate extensively and honestly with each other in order for ANY relationship to work. This is even more true when dealing with such tricky things as multiple partners and alternative sexualities.

STDs are a genuine risk with ANY sexual contact, if you're not already taking proper precautions then I tsk in your general direction. Remember, STDs are the gift that keeps on giving, protect yourself.

Hopefully this will help a bit and give you some food for thought. Whatever you decide, best of luck to you.

DJR
 djreptile
Joined: 11/8/2006
Msg: 26 (view)
 
Need Help!!!! Like the guy but is going way too fast!!
Posted: 12/20/2006 12:24:47 AM
Well, after reading the various replies I'll just get down to brass tax;

1) The second you use the word potential in regards to a man or woman is the second you need to re-evaluate your situation in regards to them. You do not date someone for their potential. You do not have a successful relationship based on another person's potential. You go with what you are presented with. Successful relationships are based on current compatibility not future possibilities. Deal with the situation as it is and assume the current pattern of behavior will persist. 99% of the time this assumption will be correct.

2) Trust your instincts. If the things which loom large in your memory and persist in your mind are the ways in which he made you feel uncomfortable then there is most likely something larger in the way the two of you interact that you are not comfortable with and it will surface with time. Don't give it that time. When the lookouts shout "Icebergs dead astern" it's a damn fool of a captain who doesn't change course. Not knowing you I assume you are a fairly normal, mentally healthy woman. That being the case your instincts are trying to tell you something, listen to them. You did not tell us about how you liked his touch, or the things he said made you smile; as a counterpoint to the discomfort you felt. All you could put together to counter your discomfort was a few lines about how he's a nice man who has a decent job and is gentle. This tells me the discomfort you feel with him far outweighs any positive emotions he may engender in you. Don't discount this.

3) He does not listen to you. For whatever reason; disease, idiocy, ingrained patterns, you tells him the same thing over and over and he acts as if you have said nothing. This is BAD, all kinds of nasty, bad juju, 56 different flavors of wrong! The point here is not why he does it or whether or not it may change or if he is even able to change. The point here is this is not a pattern of behavior which creates a solid foundation for any sort of lasting partnership. You cannot be with someone with whom you constantly have to defend your boundaries. If you feel like he doesn't listen to you, which his behavior shows he does not, how can you ever trust him? How can you enjoy being with someone if you have to worry about which boundary or button he's going to push today?

4) His wife doesn't need to know!?!?!?!!! I'm sorry honey but that comment just strikes me as all sort of duplicitous. Sure, it's possible she treated him like trash and he's been so hurt by her that he doesn't want to give her anything, not even an explanation for a divorce. In which case he's being vengeful which I hold in just as low a regard as him being two faced. Either way that tells you a lot, none of it good. If his wife doesn't need to know why he wants a divorce now then what has he decided you don't need to know, or what will he decide you don't need to know later on down the line? This is not a one time occurence; I can tell you that much. Besides, if you truly believed he was a good man then that comment would not have struck you as odd. Something is up, you know it yourself, you just don't know what. My suggestion would be don't stick around to find out. After all; if you hear gunshots coming from a dark alley only a fool or a cop goes rushing in and you are neither.

In closing, remember that in deciding to end contact with him you are NOT judging him. You are not saying he is a bad person, and you are not a bad person for deciding not to continue things. Any sort of relationship must be based on a foundation of mutual respect, trust, and comfort with whom the other person is right now. If this still isn't there after several meetings then it's time to move on. No hard feelings, no recriminations, it just didn't work out; better luck next time. If he bows out gracefully then he's a basically good guy who you just weren't compatible with. It happens. If he does what I suspect he will, doesn't take things well and harasses you, or bad mouths you, or tries to guilt you into changing your mind then aren't you glad you steered your ship clear of that iceberg? Remember, your sole responsibility is to yourself and your daughter. If you show her that a woman does not tolerate this type of behavior from anyone and that you walk out the door before compromising your boundaries that is what she will learn and she'll be better for it. Don't worry about losing the possibility od something good with him, the REALITY is out there waiting for you and I know it will be far more satisfying when you finally reach it.

P.S. I don't really think there was anything wrong with you taking your kid as he brought his kid with you. He made a gesture, you returned it; I respect that. Though I've been accused of taking a cavalier attitude with personal risk so take my words for what they are. One person's opinion, hopefully they'll do someone some good.
 djreptile
Joined: 11/8/2006
Msg: 40 (view)
 
class
Posted: 11/14/2006 12:38:53 AM
Hmm, an interesting question which I could dwell on at length. Brevity, however, being the soul of wit I will be brief.

"Real nobility is based on scorn, courage, and profound indifference."

-Camus
 djreptile
Joined: 11/8/2006
Msg: 24 (view)
 
is the truth sometimes too much
Posted: 11/14/2006 12:35:56 AM
I think Camus said it best when he wrote; "Truth, like light, blinds. Falsehood, on the contrary, is a beautiful twilight that enhances every object." Of course, there's a difference between Truth and Honesty. Truth is an absolute we can never really grasp or comprehend, and are completely overwhelmed by those few moments when we catch even an inkling of it. Honesty comes of meaning what you say and saying what you mean. Where I see trouble happen is when folks feel the need to constantly parade their opinions around in the name of being honest. I've met many folks who use honesty as a passive aggressive way to hurt or belittle those around them and make themselves feel good without actually having the stones to stand up and simply slap someone. The real fallacy with their logic is they assume what they're saying is the Truth when really it's an opinion. Granted it may be an honest opinion but it is still just an opinion which everyone has and is entitled to. What then happens is people take there opinions, phrase them as offensively as possible and then unleash them on others for a variety of reasons none of them particualrly admirable. For example I could express the same honest opinion in the following three ways:

You're an a$$hole!

I think you're really acting like a jerk.

I don't appreciate the way you're treating me and my friends.

Each one is expressing the same sentiment but each time the language is progressively less offensive and aggressive and MORE SPECIFIC. I'd go so far to argue it's the third statement that is the most honest as it specifically states what's upsetting you without making any sweeping, unfounded statements about the other person. I've found the greater your precision in speaking the less and less offensive it is to others. Granted there will always be exceptions. I could go into more detail, but I think you get the gist of what I'm saying. To sum up; You can try explaining to him how his "honesty" or "truth" comes off to many as him being a turd using the example I have provided, you can ask yourself if perhaps you and the folks around you are being overly sensitive and maybe you guys can lighten up, or you can simply wash your hands of the guy that forgets your birthday and embarasses you in social situations. Whichever one you choose I hope it works out for you.
 djreptile
Joined: 11/8/2006
Msg: 13 (view)
 
Bars / clubs: How much is too much?
Posted: 11/13/2006 11:25:15 PM
Eh, I have trouble calling anything too much. After all, I do recall this one guy, a long time ago saying something like "let he who is without sin cast the first stone". Then there was this whole group of folks who had this idea of "moderation in all things, including moderation". We all have our vices, the things we do too much. As long as you're living the life you want to live and being responsible towards everyone else I really don't see a problem. the real question is how much is too much for you? Do you take issue if your partner is spending a lot fo time going out to bars and clubs? If the answer is yes then, of course, my follow up is why? Why does it bother you, and can you get over it or come to some sort of compromise or is this one of your non-negotiables?

I think the real question here is what are YOU unwilling to compromise on? Which qualities in a partner are requirements and which are preferences? Once you've got that straight in your head, questions like this tend to resolve themselves.
 djreptile
Joined: 11/8/2006
Msg: 159 (view)
 
Online Dating Guide for Men: Part Deux
Posted: 11/13/2006 11:13:26 PM
Ahahahahahahah! I just wanted to say well done. I used to actually work for an online dating site several years ago. Boy I wish we'd had this guide back then!
 
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