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 Author Thread: Profile review (Yes, another person asking)
 OfficeGuyMike
Joined: 5/30/2011
Msg: 6 (view)
 
Profile review (Yes, another person asking)
Posted: 3/24/2013 6:55:53 PM
I like it.... humour works...keeps readers interested and more likely to read on.

Change last 3 lines... to something else

I don't really have a "type" of woman..--- a cliché....
just state preference ...

Say "Hi", it's only a second out of your day. --- waste of time to read this and will annoy the reader.

Love, peace and chicken-grease. ---- ? quirky...but is it too quirky ?

you will have hooked them by end of first paragraph...don't lose them with the last 3 lines.

good luck
 OfficeGuyMike
Joined: 5/30/2011
Msg: 9 (view)
 
Anything to put a lady off?
Posted: 3/24/2013 6:08:48 PM
Photos !

Only ONE PERSON in your main photo - YOU.
Crop you brother out and have just you in your main photo....

DONT HAVE WOMEN IN YOUR PHOTOS - are they your ex? whoever it is the reader be competing with her ?

good luck
 OfficeGuyMike
Joined: 5/30/2011
Msg: 4 (view)
 
Absolutely no luck on this site so far...
Posted: 3/24/2013 5:29:44 PM
Whatever u say, however you say it has to catch a persons attention VERY QUICKLY ...usually in the photo, and definitely in the first 2 sentences of your "About Me" section... Time spans of viewers are getting shorter.

Your first sentence is a waste of time:
"Hello to all. I am a 25yr old UWE graduate from London, now living pretty much permanently in Bristol."

Hello to all ? .... delete it

I am a 25yr old - repeating info - if someone has got this far u are already in their age range. delete it

UWE graduate from London - UWE ? wots that stand for ? confusing - is this the most important thing about u that you want to convey ? I think not. plus you are repeating info (graduate) that is elsewhere in profile --- move lower in text if you have to have it ...

now living pretty much permanently in Bristol - you come across as not sure... are you going to move from Bristol soon ? am I wasting my time reading further? again is this the most import thing ?.... be firm you DO live in Bristol... but again you are repeating .... do you see a pattern here....

2nd:
Generally I feel that i'm a relaxed, easy-going, friendly and relatively open-minded person.

be positive, shorten and change the whole paragraph --> I am relaxed, easy going and friendly.

You have now described 50% of you VERY QUICKLY but you will need to give an example fro life of "relaxed", "easy going" or " friendly"....
if you cant think of anything make it up - humour helps... you want to keep the attention of the reader so they read more...
Helpful is: "I helped an old lady across the road the other day...it wasn't till we got to the other side that she said she wanted to cross the other way!"

This will be better than what you have, you can then improve further...later on...

work over your first 2 paragraphs again... and I'll read more...

good luck
 OfficeGuyMike
Joined: 5/30/2011
Msg: 2 (view)
 
Honest profile review please
Posted: 5/27/2012 1:17:17 PM
Geekdom is usually reserved for men. . . So "Geek wanted" immediately sugests you are looking for a man...
If you must use "geek" put "Lady Geek wanted". Better would be tio use somthing quirky that will appeal to more women.

Is paulyauch your real name? Change if it is.

caption photos.

for starters...
 OfficeGuyMike
Joined: 5/30/2011
Msg: 3 (view)
 
thoughts.
Posted: 5/27/2012 1:01:34 PM
Photos: put camera/phone on a higher quality setting.

delete this : "Im not really good at talking about myself so here goes. "

dont repeat this: "i am 22(23 on may 27th) i am 5'11 and 180 lbs" delete it you are repeating stuff...

You like movies, however it would be wise to cut the four lines you have to two...most people on here just want a small "snapshot" that can be expandedd upon later

Whats "bjj"? in interests section? Fully qualify.

that will do for starters

good luck
 OfficeGuyMike
Joined: 5/30/2011
Msg: 4 (view)
 
Profile review please
Posted: 5/13/2012 4:31:36 AM
punctuation: space after a comma.
Capitals for names.
dont link to other sites.
some text dont "scan" "...writer is..." should be "...writers are..." gallery --> galleries
you like to travel...but only list the places you have been...any highlights? lowlights? disasters are better reading than awesome places.


I'm looking to date first then move into a relationship if all goes well.
not needed
 OfficeGuyMike
Joined: 5/30/2011
Msg: 2 (view)
 
Check out my profile and tell me how it is
Posted: 5/13/2012 3:59:52 AM
There is a Writing Tips section at the top of the review profile forum.

but here is an obvious one:
Be positiv, clear, and look to the future:

I use to go to concerts at least once a month but it's been about 2 years since I've gone to one.

re-phrase:
Wants to meet someone interested in live concerts...

The main photo is the most important, you need to be closer to camera to show up properly in "searches",

good luck
 OfficeGuyMike
Joined: 5/30/2011
Msg: 7 (view)
 
Not attracting what I like in a mate
Posted: 5/10/2012 9:41:42 PM
bit short.

"sorry no photo..."
line not needed

talk some about the travel you do. dont just list everywhere, list a couple of places and expand on the place you liked best and why... The photo says you have adventures...the text says you stay at home.

good luck
 OfficeGuyMike
Joined: 5/30/2011
Msg: 3 (view)
 
So how does this work?
Posted: 5/10/2012 9:20:30 PM
How does this work?

State the obvious!
YOU know which one of the 4 men in the main profile photo you are...
use a photo of JUST YOU!

Be serious.
Making faces in main photo is really funny,
ha ha now onto the NEXT profile.

use paragraphs.
sorry I didn't read your profile it isn't "readable"
 OfficeGuyMike
Joined: 5/30/2011
Msg: 5 (view)
 
Is it me?
Posted: 5/8/2012 10:04:30 PM
ps Have you read the Profile Writting Tips at the TOP of this forum?
 OfficeGuyMike
Joined: 5/30/2011
Msg: 3 (view)
 
Is it me?
Posted: 5/8/2012 9:53:26 PM
Hi

apparently, every woman get "hook-up" offers, so dont feel you are unique. What you are not getting are the few gems that show promise.

You list several interests in the "interests" section and then LIST several more in "about me". list all in the interests and EXPAND on 2 or 3 in the body.

Spagetti? unusual! - expand. do you make it ?

My Children and My Family ? Combine --> Family

One mans "few extra pounds" is anothers normal...
Having it in the "about me" section immediately makes it a problem! remove. Having in the description is enough.

Think of it this way - If you say in your profile "I need to bring to your attention that I have brown eyes" readers will immediately be persuaded that brown eyes are bad.

good luck
 OfficeGuyMike
Joined: 5/30/2011
Msg: 2 (view)
 
Eh.. Why not
Posted: 2/27/2012 11:48:18 AM

Mario Kart, a Beer and Im satisfied
in your tag line - will that appeal to a woman? I think not.
 OfficeGuyMike
Joined: 5/30/2011
Msg: 2 (view)
 
Constructive criticism?
Posted: 2/27/2012 11:40:58 AM
Start with main photo - it should not be the back of you in the distace - that could be anyone.

Change it with the best of the others and since all the others are groups of people it has got to be photo 2...

Start with that
 OfficeGuyMike
Joined: 5/30/2011
Msg: 4 (view)
 
Am I on the right track or am I driving into a ditch?
Posted: 2/27/2012 11:34:19 AM

Am I on the right track or am I driving into a ditch?
when I saw this headline I just HAD to read your profile. Nice turn of phrase.

UserName "davee930" not memorable. you wont have any problem inventing a better name, something more memorable, something that stands out.

your main profile is lacking substance - it needs more.

Talk in more detail about 2 or 3 of your interests, something that could be a talking point to find out more.

good luck
 OfficeGuyMike
Joined: 5/30/2011
Msg: 2 (view)
 
Review My Profile Please and Thanks?
Posted: 2/27/2012 11:19:34 AM
Hi

"Acting like a giant kidSometimes" - its taken as read that most blokes do, but dont bring attention to it... remove.

I gotta ask: What interests you about "Weather"?

First paragraph can be split into two or three, easier to read.

First date suggestion is a bit limp. This is a chance to stand out - be decisive, its v attractive.

Which genres of music, you need to give a girl a chance to say "oh I like that, perhaps he likes such-and-such band"...a talking point.
Movies - name 2 or 3 you like and why.


know me through messages or in person, but I'll indulge you :).
this sounds condescending, it just needs re-phrasing a bit.

"So, I decided to try my luck here" - again could be phrased a bit better...

Good luck
 OfficeGuyMike
Joined: 5/30/2011
Msg: 4 (view)
 
a little help please...
Posted: 2/26/2012 4:41:11 PM
already said... lose the photo with the woman in...

There is a BIG paragraph cut it down to 3 paragraphs.

In Interests you have Shawshank Redemption, The Matrix etc... The interest is "Films" remove the examples from Interests.
 OfficeGuyMike
Joined: 5/30/2011
Msg: 9 (view)
 
Was doing ok on here but suddenly i'm 0 for 6 any advice?
Posted: 2/26/2012 4:14:01 PM
whats with all the abrev.?
NGH ?
HCA
UON
FB (oh I know that one! Face Book right?)
SWF

change the (or ten) --> (or two) I know it has the same meaning, but it dosn't say you are an alchoholic....


Welshman seeking SWF! Came to Northampton from the green green grass of home for university, staying becuse I have a job.... better find a female to share my time with then.
Some of this is endearing, and some give impression you have nothing better to do. Just needs re-phrasing a bit.

music: what sort?

the sentance with "Download" dont scan.

good luck
 OfficeGuyMike
Joined: 5/30/2011
Msg: 4 (view)
 
Please have a look
Posted: 2/26/2012 3:45:45 PM
not a lot that might be in common with a potential date.
summed up as : Trainee Police. like dogs, runs gruling cross country, been to Florida...didn't go to disney world or universal studios...

What can a woman ask you about that she might know about?
not a lot.
yet you list plenty of activities:
Reading: what do you like to read?
Music: What do you like to listen to? What do you hate?
Movies: Favorite movie? What do you think of "The Artist" (a silent movie)
Theme Parks... do you like the landscape or do you like the rides WHICH rides?

Theres 4 things that guarentees 99% of women can give a opinion and are interested in at least 2 of them!

good luck

ps
"Cheeky_Adventurer" - good User Name
 OfficeGuyMike
Joined: 5/30/2011
Msg: 3 (view)
 
Profile Review: All Constructive Feedback is Appreciated ;)
Posted: 2/26/2012 3:25:32 PM
Profile is far too long.

INTJ ? If anyone reads that far will they then want to google INTJ, or will they say
"next contender!"

Photos:
The one in the sea - thats GOT to be you, right? but cant see your eyes.
the group photos, which one is you?

A rule of thumb: Anyone that says they are Not something have issues.
So you are not "some creep, pervert, or psychopath"?
What are your issues?

good luck
 OfficeGuyMike
Joined: 5/30/2011
Msg: 6 (view)
 
Why is this not working?
Posted: 2/26/2012 3:07:07 PM
opinion: lose the photo with the guy ... it poses too many questions.

HereForNowHereForWow

GREAT memerable name.

good luck on finding your fellow workaholic.
 OfficeGuyMike
Joined: 5/30/2011
Msg: 4 (view)
 
Curious to see what people think
Posted: 2/8/2012 9:56:43 AM
Interesting User Name - ManOfAllSeasons77 ... much better than the average!

small point: consider: ManForAllSeasons77 imo, it sounds better...
 OfficeGuyMike
Joined: 5/30/2011
Msg: 4 (view)
 
Hello ladies, requesting some constructive feedback!
Posted: 2/5/2012 4:35:08 PM
Headline:

I put the F-U in FUN!
F-U

Together with your main photo this is the first thing a woman will see...will she read beyond being told to F-U ?

This WILL get noticed and will appeal to exactly the girl you are aiming for...so, leave it in.
 OfficeGuyMike
Joined: 5/30/2011
Msg: 3 (view)
 
Check it!
Posted: 2/5/2012 4:21:21 PM
If the US is anything like the UK you don't need a permenent partner to learn and there is a distinct lack of male dancing partners....so, just do it...
 OfficeGuyMike
Joined: 5/30/2011
Msg: 2 (view)
 
Profile Review
Posted: 2/5/2012 3:58:33 PM
User Name xb130 - not exactly catchy or memorable uxb would be, but dont use that....

Profile is a bit short with minimal info - really need more. You need to write more about yourself. You need "points of interest" that are common to you and a potential date.
 OfficeGuyMike
Joined: 5/30/2011
Msg: 5 (view)
 
I am looking for feedback on my profile
Posted: 2/5/2012 3:38:01 PM
Interesting profile, but, will a woman be interested in it?

We are not allowed external links in profiles... Math1 and Math2 !

Egg shaped pipes... interesting, but if you go the Google Books search for "egg-shaped sewer cross section" you will get formulae for maximum flow and velocity...
 OfficeGuyMike
Joined: 5/30/2011
Msg: 15 (view)
 
A review would be appreciated :-)
Posted: 2/5/2012 1:22:49 PM
I've read plenty of profiles and yours gives the impression that you are fun to be with.

The only suggestion I can come up with is cook something, perhaps a cake/dessert an unusual one or unusual sounding one [pineapple upside down cake?] feed it to your friends and say they "survived" !!

you like dancing and are "flirty" you might want to quote George Bernard Shaw, but not in your profile:
“Dancing: The vertical expression of a horizontal desire legalized by music.”

US Pete "NHS" is National Health Service, publicly funded heathcare (free).

good luck
 OfficeGuyMike
Joined: 5/30/2011
Msg: 5 (view)
 
Please feel free to trash my profile
Posted: 2/5/2012 12:14:40 PM
There is one single paragraph of 10 lines, a wall of words, if you will... this needs to be split into 4 or 5 paragraphs, with a blank line between.

Your humour does show, and hints at wickedness!

You like cooking and since a way to a mans heart can be through his stomach, perhaps you should list 2 or 3 of your favorite dishes?

remove: "I don't tell lies and am not a player" its a waste of space...would a player say "I'm a player"?


Well I hope I've not bored you to sleep, if I have then just copy this profile and keep it at your bedside, it'll save you a fortune in sleeping tablets (lol)
...ermmm remove... might be too negative... but it does have humour, but...
 OfficeGuyMike
Joined: 5/30/2011
Msg: 3 (view)
 
profile review
Posted: 2/5/2012 11:47:16 AM
Your profiles says you are "29"
but
the text about me says "I am 28"...

Perhaps one shouldn't repeat in the text what is elsewhere in the profile?

Are you are depending on your photos being so good that you just dont need to talk about yourself?

Let me ask you a question:
Do you write to girls with 2-line profiles?
If they have "sports" listed, do you ask the question:
What sports do you watch?, or, do you ask
What sports do you play?
How would you respond to answer "Hockey" if you have NO INTEREST IN HOCKEY?
If "Hockey" was listed as an interest, you would avoid and ask a question on one of the other interests...

This is a "missed opportunity" profile...
 OfficeGuyMike
Joined: 5/30/2011
Msg: 6 (view)
 
Looking for some input.
Posted: 2/5/2012 11:20:19 AM
You must be doing something right as you have met one or two girls for a first date!
straight talking and to the point.

so, take with a pinch of salt suggestions:
You have missed the "First Date" secion.
Give type of movies you prefer.

as I'm not up on "txt speak" what does ":P" mean?

good luck
 OfficeGuyMike
Joined: 5/30/2011
Msg: 3 (view)
 
Constructive Criticism.
Posted: 1/30/2012 4:55:06 AM
small point "quite."

should this be quiet?
 OfficeGuyMike
Joined: 5/30/2011
Msg: 2 (view)
 
Help please :)
Posted: 1/24/2012 10:08:29 PM
You are right - most people have problems talking about themselves...so, that being a given, it probably is not a good idea to put this in your profile -the first and last sentances...


I'm not very good at filling these things out, but here goes nothing!
and

As I said, I'm not very good at filing these out or describing myself but if I left anything out, or if there is anything you want to know, feel free to shoot me a message :)

can be safely deleted.

The idea of profiles is to write about yourself to strike a chord with the reader and it can be anything. You give genres of movie, be more specific, give a couple of your favorites.

Most people listen to music, so give a couple of your favorite artists. What do you like to listen to right now? Where have you travelled? What was it like? Where do you hope to go?

Studying is big part of your life, have you ideas of what you want to do after? Write about it. Its Ok if you have no clear idea, just say its something you want to do - ambition is very attractive.

You might need a couple more "interests".
Your photo is good - you are a smiley person, good luck.
 OfficeGuyMike
Joined: 5/30/2011
Msg: 12 (view)
 
review please?
Posted: 1/24/2012 9:23:03 PM

But i'll listen to what any of you have to say. thanks in advance haha
...

TIP 1 - Profile is too short. Write something about you, something that shows your personality.

TIP 2 - if you dont like that tip - write about why you watch the sky...are you looking at birds? stars? planes? martians? space? something that a possible future date can relate to and write back to you about.
 OfficeGuyMike
Joined: 5/30/2011
Msg: 4 (view)
 
Profile Review- let me know what you think!
Posted: 1/24/2012 9:10:10 PM
Get some ideas from the "Profile Wrtting Tips" - you have read the profile writting tips, havn't you?
 OfficeGuyMike
Joined: 5/30/2011
Msg: 15 (view)
 
Any tips?
Posted: 1/22/2012 4:25:01 AM
You still have "Water Sports" - this has connotations.. change to boating, swimming, jet-ski-ing etc.

You missed out on the "First Date" section.

dislike Sarah Palin --- ! delete....
Stalkers. - think its a given that most people dont like these - superflous.
Ignorance. ?? thats a bit intolerant.
Snow sports. ??

In fact delete the whole line of dislikes....
 OfficeGuyMike
Joined: 5/30/2011
Msg: 5 (view)
 
Review my profile please.
Posted: 1/22/2012 3:59:54 AM
subjective:
Good main photo, so you may not need more text, but you could have more, just incase.

What to write about though?
Water, boating ?

What movies do you like?
What music?
 OfficeGuyMike
Joined: 5/30/2011
Msg: 3 (view)
 
Review my profile
Posted: 1/22/2012 3:44:39 AM
Name: TheOneThatGotAway...?

will you always be the one that got away?
bit negative....
consider changing....
TheOneToBeCaughtByYou
or
LookingToCatchYou
or
HappyToBeCaughtByYou
or
MarineConnoiseur
...
good luck
 OfficeGuyMike
Joined: 5/30/2011
Msg: 4 (view)
 
Profile Reveiw
Posted: 1/22/2012 3:34:12 AM
Yes, needs more specifics - which I trust you are working on?

Also:

I'm not as boring as this profile probably makes me sound

Negative! Leave it for the reader to decide, dont push them in that direction...delete the line.

good luck
 OfficeGuyMike
Joined: 5/30/2011
Msg: 3 (view)
 
What can I do to make my profile Better
Posted: 1/22/2012 3:20:46 AM
typo: 8. Faith or love at First site ?
sight.

never seen before...interesting....when you haven't met your match in 6 months change to a more convetional profile...

consider changing Username from "NoGames..." your questionaire IS A GAME
 OfficeGuyMike
Joined: 5/30/2011
Msg: 7 (view)
 
Any tips for me would be nice......?plz and thank you
Posted: 1/22/2012 3:08:07 AM
It is the convention here to have a vertical space between paragraphs...

Obviously you have not read the posting rules...you are only allowed ONE request for help... so you probably haven't read the "Profile Writting Tips"?
 OfficeGuyMike
Joined: 5/30/2011
Msg: 6 (view)
 
Non-photogenic guy - do I have a chance?
Posted: 1/22/2012 2:43:38 AM
You have a womans hand on your shoulder... your ex? a big NO NO.
Get a couple of new photos with NO other people in.

NOTHING of your personality comes through in your writting.
"I'm actually a pretty interesting guy. Message me and find out more!"

I'm going to make a point here:
"I'm actually a pretty astute guy when it comes to profile writting. Message me to find what point I am making"

.
.
no, don't really....I'm just trying to make the point that this wastes time...and is a missed opportunity. Your profile is too short.

 OfficeGuyMike
Joined: 5/30/2011
Msg: 4 (view)
 
review please?
Posted: 1/22/2012 2:11:31 AM
You need to help yourself first READ THE TIPS.
 OfficeGuyMike
Joined: 5/30/2011
Msg: 2 (view)
 
Profile Review- let me know what you think!
Posted: 1/22/2012 2:09:20 AM
Your HEADLINE is "Always on the lookout to meet new, fun loving peop"

You are sending mixed messages... are you looking for "people" or someone to "date"?

There is not enough text about you in the "About Me" section...
 OfficeGuyMike
Joined: 5/30/2011
Msg: 2 (view)
 
review please?
Posted: 1/22/2012 2:01:27 AM

I'm not sure what else to put in here, so send me a message if you want to get to know me better.

WASTE OF TIME delete!
If you had read the profile wrtting tips you would know that...

use of "sarcastic" is NEGATIVE use something NOT NEGATIVE use quirky? wicked?
agait - read the tips

too short
 OfficeGuyMike
Joined: 5/30/2011
Msg: 5 (view)
 
Where did I go wrong?
Posted: 1/22/2012 1:44:34 AM
OK - You changed your Username. Much better.

Its obvious that you haven't read the "Profile Writing Tips" cos you have a HEADLINE of:
::Still Looking:: 100% real with no games!

and the Profile Writing Tips say DONT USE....
Not into games

Read the tips!

Also:
too many movies listed...cut down to 4 max
If you like horror, then you probably like Zombies - there is a great "Zombie" following that you could have in common with a lot of women...

Missed opportunity when you talk about your Kindle...I think everyone knows what it is, but you could talk about the technology. I think its OK here as there may be women who are thinking about getting one and want advice. You talk about NUMBER of books, not WHAT you like to read...

Read the tips, again.
 OfficeGuyMike
Joined: 5/30/2011
Msg: 9 (view)
 
A review please
Posted: 1/20/2012 10:07:05 PM
Minor point :
"music from Frank Sinatra to the Metallica" should it be "music from Frank Sinatra to Metallica". Dont want to alienate Metallica fans.

good luck
 OfficeGuyMike
Joined: 5/30/2011
Msg: 2 (view)
 
Where did I go wrong?
Posted: 1/20/2012 9:46:38 PM
havn't read your profile yet, but you do ask
"Where did I go wrong?"...

Start with your profile name... could be better.

Look at some of the posters names on here.

My favorite at the moment is ChillieKnickers !!!
This just MAKES you want to read her profile from beginning to end!
The more eyeballs you get the more likely someone will see somthing attractive in you.

Find a better name than cdp247 and I'll read your profile.

good luck
 OfficeGuyMike
Joined: 5/30/2011
Msg: 3 (view)
 
Please review my profile
Posted: 1/20/2012 9:26:50 PM
You start:

Well let me start with what I am NOT, I am not one of the typical guys you read about 3,000 times on here as I am not looking for just sex

big mistake...now you have set up in the readers mind that sex is all you want. they will run a mile.

This reminds me of the movie "Shirley Valentine", when Stavros the Greek waiter says to Shirley "I don't want f*ck with you" when its obvious thats ALL he wants.

Now write your profile like you are talking to a potential FRIEND. What would you do? Where would you go? What movies would you want to see? What would you talk about? and build from there.

good luck
 OfficeGuyMike
Joined: 5/30/2011
Msg: 2 (view)
 
Review please guys and girls
Posted: 1/14/2012 7:20:52 PM

Hi So I guess this is the bit where I tell you something about myself.........


yes

I WANT TO SCREAM !!!

Please delete this line....

6 months from now after reading similar at the beginning of loads of profiles you will realise the writter is just wasting your time.

Did you watch the PoF video at the bottom of the "edit profile" page?
 OfficeGuyMike
Joined: 5/30/2011
Msg: 3 (view)
 
im so frusterated at this
Posted: 1/14/2012 6:54:15 PM
You have a photo in the mens bathroom.... you can see a urinal,,,

YOU HAVE GOTTA BE KIDDING

No wonder you are getting fed up

Did you watch the video PoF createdshowing the basics of what you should and should not do ?
It might be at the bottom of the page when you "Edit Profile"
 OfficeGuyMike
Joined: 5/30/2011
Msg: 5 (view)
 
Could really use some feedback
Posted: 1/14/2012 4:02:19 AM
A little long for my tastes...

I would change order of first 2 paragraphs.

It shouldn't be an issue that you dont drink much, so dont make it one - remove the bit about not drinking.

typo: hair rock.

Try to remove/change anything that could be "negative" ie:
...basement dweller
...injured... too much info, keep that you once did Triathalons - shows you in a positive light (determined, fit etc)
...My expectations aren’t to find a female version of myself... dont need this concentrate on what you DO want not what you DONT want.

Too much info on keeping in touch with family, I can almost hear the violins...keep it lighter.

good luck
 
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