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Thread: Poll: Are you currently a paying member of another dating site?

allylooking

Joined: 11/23/2006

Msg: 256 (view)

Poll: Are you currently a paying member of another dating site? Posted: 2/9/2007 8:07:45 PM
No and I am not willing to pay a bunch of money to find out that there is nobody on the sites that are even close to me. I found this site and feel that has helped me greatly emotionally and see that there are alot of really great people here, and I look forward to reading the forums and they all in some way help me, each and every one of them. Great concept, and feel that yur site will only grow........... thank you............... ally

allylooking

Joined: 11/23/2006

Msg: 12 (view)

Abusive Relationships Posted: 2/9/2007 7:54:19 PM
Monique86: I am right there with you. I too have been in abusive relationships both emotion and physical. And I am seeing outside the "blinders" that it is a low self esteem and the need to be the "helper" the "fixer" and the "rescuer" in me that gets drawn in by these men. There is nothing wrong with be loving and caring and compassionate to others and wanting to help someone. Altho it is wrong to allow that person to control you and abuse that part of your kind heart, as abusive men do so. My last ex who was with for 5 years was from a very abusive family, he was terribly abused physcially and emotionally by his father and much of an outcast in school, and when he did marry early on his wife cheated on him and further basically telling him that people only hurt those that you love. I tought that I could be a woman or person that would show him once in his life that would not hurt him like they had. I thought that I with love and understanding and patience could sow him another side of love. Well that put blinders up to me that I did not see all the red flags that now I see were there. Before I moved to be with him he stated that I was in his words... "12 hours and counting til my love you come and "rescue" me." I should have seen that as a red flag, I thought it odd he said that but also overlooked it and thought that meant he loved me so deeply. Hhhmmm... He was so full of anger and fear and pain from his past that there was nothing that I could have done to prevent what happened. I see that now. Yes they shift the blame onto others... I am seeing that I am not to blame at all. It is his life that is twisted and dark and hollow and something he will have to deal with. He jumped right into a new relationship (online for 3 weeks with a lady from New Orleans while telling me things with us were perfect but telling her that he had not been with a woman for almost 3 years) and playing her also and without meeting her and only emailing her for 3 weeks asked her to marry him and she said YES) now shallow on his part but also see that if she says yes after 3 weeks never meeting a man that she is also emotionally not healthy either so I guess that they will end up the way most do... ending in time after each sees the real other person in time. I do not believe that you can love someone in 3 weeks and having never met that person love that person. But some do believe that. Just know that you need to love yourself more than anybody else, and know that you deserve the best and do not setle for anything less than the best that you can find. Someone to love you totally and real. Like me we just have to heal and learn not to do so again with the abusive relationships. ood luck and my prayers are with you. You can do it................... ally

allylooking

Joined: 11/23/2006

Msg: 29 (view)

Closure is knowing she won't love you anymore Posted: 2/9/2007 5:58:02 AM
packagedeal every time I read a post from you I feel better about things. I just wanted to tell you that I someday hope to be as knowledgable and "togather" as you seem to be here. You are an inspiration to me. Thank you.......

allylooking

Joined: 11/23/2006

Msg: 27 (view)

Closure is knowing she won't love you anymore Posted: 2/9/2007 5:50:28 AM
I don't post many comments here but read this and thought I would as it made me think alittle bit. I think "closeure" is when we realize that the person that we have lost is and was "toxic" to our lives. When we believe that we are worthy of someone who will love us the way that we deserve to be loved, and not settle for anything less than that. Sometimes I think that some people get into a relationship because they just want someone to be there and care about them and we forget to wait for that "special" person, doing so by jumping into a new relationship as to not be lonely anymore. It is hard to put all the pain behind us and move on, but must be done. That is where I am at now, trying to look forward and not backwards. I wish you luck and keep talking to God as he does listen, sometimes we dont think so as we dont always get what we ask of him, but he does so for a reason and sometimes that reason we dont understand until he wants us to understand. I believe that in my case that my relationship ended because he had better plans for me and my ex wasnt the one that could love me the way that I deserved, I thought he was the one, but he wasnt. Sometimes we have to "let go, let God" as they say.

allylooking

Joined: 11/23/2006

Msg: 29 (view)

Is What He Is Saying Real Posted: 2/1/2007 6:08:01 AM
Ok.. I am not an expert at this as have been there myself and it turned out horribly, but I agree with most here in that how can one fall in love with someone that they have never met or spent time with? Not occassional time but time having disagreements, talking about issues they believe in, dealing with the daily issues of a relationship??? To "love" someone that you only email and visit with on the phone and spend an occassional short visit with isn't "knowing" someone. Seems that we try to only show our good sides when in a new relationship. Once you live with someone and spend every day entertwining will you see the real person underneath the sweet words. I wish yu luck and hope this guy is for real. We all want to meet someone who will say sweet things and treat us well and love us. Be careful that you are not closing your eyes to "red flags" that could save you alot of pain in the future. GOOD LUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

allylooking

Joined: 11/23/2006

Msg: 16 (view)

he moved on so suddenly!!! ;( Posted: 1/28/2007 9:25:05 AM
Ok here goes... Will sound like a "pitty party" for me.... but I know how she feels. I was in a relationship with a man for 5 years that promised marriage to get me to move here to be with him. We had our ups and downs but up til the very last day togather he was telling me about how much love we had and how we were going to grow old togather and were growing so so close lately and maturing and blah blah blah.... Well at the same time he was emailing another woman for 3 weeks prior never having met her and asked her to marry him and move here from another state and she said yes... Of course over the years I should have seen the red flags, as he was emotionally a yo-yo from old emotional baggage from shildhood, but ahhh us women like to think that our love is so special that we can somehow "help" men to heal and never see tht one can not "save" or "rescue" someone. When he asked me to move here he said that he was happy that I was coming to "rescue him"... that should have been my first red flag.... It is hard to realize that someone is capeable of lying to get what they want. The last day I saw my ex, he smailed at me telling me about this other woman and said that he had only said things to me to "be nice as I had been so nice to him" that he didnt really mean them. So he was sleeping in my bed and saying I love you to me and the same time telling this new woman that I didnt exist and telling her that he loved her and wanted to marry her... I along with others think that sometimes we hear what we want to hear, and overlook the red flags.. I did... but in my situation I feel that this man was too emotionally screwed up from his abusive life, that he doesnt know what real love is.. I think that I was just someone that gave him what he needed and wanted when he wanted and needed it and then when I began to see him for what he was, he knew that he had to find someone else that he could play the game with... It hurts never the less to know that someone is emotionally capeable of doing this to another person, and it takes alittle time to figure out if ones ability to trust and instincts are sae anymore. I am moving on and want to be emotionally healthy... and until I am then I can not and will not have a "relationship" with another man when I can not give 100% to him. But some people can move on in a blink of an eye... I emailed this new woman of his and told her about me, and she proved to herself that I did exist while he was emailing her, she proved that he lied to her. But...feels that he would not do it to her!!! She told me that if she had known that I existed she would not have become involed with him... But she is willing to accept the fact that he is a liar and a cheat. HHHmmm... I figure that she will learn the way that I did... the hard and painful way... I might be rambling here so will end this... It would be a beautiful world if people didnt hurt other people... but that is not the world that we live in.... Those type of people will end up sooner or later quite alone and miserable in the future......I believe in what goes around comes around.......

allylooking

Joined: 11/23/2006

Msg: 70 (view)

is it harder to date as we get older? Posted: 1/28/2007 8:20:28 AM
Wow Altered Ego hit it on the head for me. I too feel it takes time to heal and find our inner self again before we can just move into another relationship. Some people can move on in days after a relationship ends, which probably means that that relationship didnt mean anything to them in the first place, be it because they are just shallow people or have no inner compassion and dont know what real emotions are. I too am afraid of being alone but dont want to rush into another relationship just to "have one".... I think that it is harder to date as we get older, we are more involved with working and making a future and less time to go to places like bars and such, I for one have outgrown my "bar hopping" days... been there done that when I was younger. Now I am looking for someone to be a life partner and best friend and share my life with, the good and the bad times, to grow old with someone, and to grow togather emotionally... Now days I think people are always looking for the "grass is greener" thing. People when a relationship is in the honetmoon stage, it is easy... but when the true test of love comes along and committment, with disagreements, and troubles, and hardships, people dont want to invest in those times... so they bail out, and only can sustain a relationship in the honeymoon stage. These people go from partner to partner because they dont want to invest anything in finding out what real love is, that is forgiveness, compassion, acceptance, and committment. Seems that committment is the issue these days for alot of people. People just want the fun times.... But sadly the fun times in a relationship dont last 24-7...... It is the fun times and the hard times that makes 2 people stronger, a relationship stronger if both parties are committed......

allylooking

Joined: 11/23/2006

Msg: 71 (view)

Ever date someone with BPD? (Borderline Personality Disorder) Posted: 1/26/2007 5:49:43 AM
I am new to this posting thing but I read this Post and agree with both sides of it. However, Asthma etc is not the same as Mental issues, BPD, the main point here I think is that if you are with someone that has BPD and this person refuses to admit the issues and do something about it then that is the time to run... to protect your own emotional weel being. I was with a man for 5 years who had BPD due to extreme abusive childhood and young adulthood, ran in his whole family, and I thought that with enough "love" and understanding and helping him find help to deal with this all that somehow I could make a difference. Tried counceling, and that lasted as long as 3 trips til the Therapist asked him questions regarding his childhood and family and then he RAN from that office and never returned. His BPD did destroy our relationship, the constant "yo-yo" emotional roller coaster rides were too much. And yes one minute they are happy and the next they are angry and are totally another person, a Dr. Jekyl/Mr.Hyde personality. And research shows that without Therapy and possible medication these personalities dont just up one day and are better no matter how much love you give them. I was in the relationship 5 years. And went through the "Ilove you" so much to me and at the same time he was on the internet telling another woman the same thing that he had not been in a relationship in 2 years and asked her to marry him after less than 3 weeks emailing and never meeting this woman who lives IN New Orleans (we are here in SD) and she thinks tht he is the most loving gentle kindest giving (he sends her $$ ) and has proven to herself that he lied to her about me and him but doesnt get it what type of person that he is.. She unfortunately after she moves here will "get it" and see as these personalities can not sustain the "good side" long term... And she will see these personalities also.. I feel bad for her but we sometimes have to learn the hard way. Mental illness is not a shameful thing, it only becomes shameful if the person refuses to seek help and lets it destroy their relationships and life sometimes. That is my blah blah for the moment.

allylooking

Joined: 11/23/2006

Msg: 125 (view)

When is too soon to say I LOVE YOU Posted: 1/25/2007 6:49:52 AM
I agree with Canadian Sweet Heart on this one... One cannot know someone well enough to have those feelings if they are "real" feelings. My ex uses the "I love you" words like normal routine. His relationship now he emailed this lady for less than 3 weeks, never met her in person, and said I love yu and asked her to marry him and she said YES... Baffles me that 2 people can be this "telepathic" to know it is "real" love. They plan to marry in less than 3 months when she moves here with him. Funny thing is that he was telling me he loved me at the same time telling her the same thing.. I guess that it depends on the person. But I think that anyone who is emotionally mature would not say those words in such a quick time, knowing that one cannot really "love" someone that they don't know, good and bad, sides, habits, beliefs, background, how they handle confrontation and disagreements, all of that. I could be wrong.. I would be "leary" if a man told me he loved me in such a short time.. But I hope that it works.. I think also that he loves what he is seeing now and the attention and the newness... but sooner or later the "honeymoon" ends and that is the real test of real love... Someday I hope to find that real love myself as we all want that I believe. Ally

allylooking

Joined: 11/23/2006

Msg: 232 (view)

Do you attract who you are? Posted: 1/17/2007 6:17:32 AM
Best kept secret.... Wow you hit that right on the head!!!!!!! What other way is there to answer the question?????? Great.... Ally

allylooking

Joined: 11/23/2006

Msg: 114 (view)

controlling men!!! Posted: 1/17/2007 6:09:54 AM
snowwhit...... very well said from someone who also has been there!!!! I hope that you are doing well and maybe you can give me some tips how to get there??? I applaud you and admire you for your courage and strength...isnt that what it all boiles down to???? Ally

allylooking

Joined: 11/23/2006

Msg: 113 (view)

controlling men!!! Posted: 1/17/2007 6:06:49 AM
If someone has never been in a "controlling" and "abusive relationship" it is hard for them to understand fully... Men and women who abuse thier partners are very good at it, and have the ability to draw their partners into thier so called "web" of emotional brainwashing. Alot of people think that it is just easy to leave a situation like that...it isn't that easy. Usually when the abuse and controlling begin they already have some sort of a emotional hold on you and your love for them only makes it worse as you thik that there is something that you can do to help and make it better just by loving them. Wrong I know to think... but that is the process by which these people work. It is very hard to escape that whole situation, as when you try to they come back with the "I am sorry" "wont do it again" thing. Finally you have to get out as you come to see it for what it is... not love at all... I know that I have just been released from that type of relationship but have done alot of soul searching and info searching and I will never allow that type of man to be in my life again... It is a uphill battle... Need to have more love and respect for ourselves and this is less likely to happen to us... Ally

allylooking

Joined: 11/23/2006

Msg: 23 (view)

women helping women in relationships Posted: 1/16/2007 4:27:46 PM
Hey there Algy and all.... My intentions was to prevent this from happening to her. But I have stopped emailing her and moving on and like you said want nothing to do with either him or her. It hit me that by emailing her that I was aloowing him to still be in my life on some level and that is not healthy for me. I blocked her emails and will no longer have anything to do with her. And blocke his emails the day he told me about this woman. I want to move on and start over, and yes learn not to become involved with an abusive man ever again. I am on my journey now... thanks for wll your help.. EVERYONE.................... Ally

allylooking

Joined: 11/23/2006

Msg: 22 (view)

women helping women in relationships Posted: 1/16/2007 4:22:01 PM
samhonolulu thanks for your thoughts. No I have an engagement ring got it shortly after moving here. And have many other diamonds as well as gifts. After about less than a year with him I saw tht he had emotional issues (very abused by father til young adult, had a nervous breakdown at age 16, has mood swings, abusive physically end emotionally) I told him that marriage was needing to be postponed til these issues were dealt with as they would affect our relationship. I loved this guy so mauch and he was good at pretending to be this shy, quiet, farmboy, gentle, and kind... But over the years found that underneath all that "mask" was a very sick twisted man, who by that time had me emotionally so into him, wanting to help him somehow... Well this is where it ended. The more that I saw about him and he saw that I was seeing it then he would shift into his "personalities" (family is Bi-Polor also) and what I learned about abusive personalities is that once they think they are losing control over there "Other" they panic and he figured he needed someone knew that didnt know him at all... so he found someone and in 2 weeks emailing he asked her to marry him and she said yes (never having met each other) She is from New Orleans so he knows that he has a emotionally vulnerable lady again to play his game on. I wnated to help her but even all the proff that she found that he lied to her, she is till planning on coming here and marrying him. Cant do anymore for her, she will have to learn the way that I did... the hard and painful way. I ahve 5 years of "crap" to hash through and will climb that mountain and will survive this.... thank you for your thoughts.. appreciate it, this all helps me so much hearing all your comments....I dont feel so laone on this one......

allylooking

Joined: 11/23/2006

Msg: 15 (view)

Introduce Yourself Here. Posted: 1/16/2007 3:58:49 PM
Hi everyone. My name is Ally and I am from South Dakota. I am new to this and am looking to meet some new people and somewhere down the road meet a man near me to get to know. I am not into games, and not looking for casual swx, I would like to have a long-term relationship one day and possibly marriage if it works out. I grew up on a farm/ranch and am pretty much a down to earth woman, who enjoys the little things on life, as they say. Hope to hear from you soon.

allylooking

Joined: 11/23/2006

Msg: 10 (view)

women helping women in relationships Posted: 1/15/2007 11:23:38 PM
Sombient thanks for your response. I dont know if he has one on this site or not, I haven't found it yet. But I know that he is on other dating sites and still emailing different woman while promising mariage to Ms. New Orleans, and have given her that proof also. Some women dont want to hear the truth, and he is good at being a charmer and great guy in the beginning and sends her money to help her out down there to show his true love. But it will all hange after she gets here to live with him.. sad...so sad... for her. Maybe she just wants a way out of New Orleans... That is possible also... she will learn herself about him in time as I did... thanks Sombient for taling..... Alli those babanas sure look like dancing pickles to me... get a cguckle out of them......

allylooking

Joined: 11/23/2006

Msg: 9 (view)

women helping women in relationships Posted: 1/15/2007 11:18:08 PM
Hey there Ya472, thanks for your "insight" most of it was true. I am not seeking another "relationship" at this time, went on this site to meet new people and possibly a good friend in a man or female or both. I cant take 5 yrs of a relationship and throw it out of my mind and heart, so I am healing in difeent ways, talking and trying to be a friend to others. he PS comment to another entry was to tell him that even I after reading his profile and sensing that he is a well grounded and emotional young man telling him that there is a special lady out there for him with his qualities... not me speaking of myself. No I will take all that I learned in last relationship and know the red flags to look for and the gutt instincts to follow this time. It will take time and not until I am 100% will I attempt a real relationship out of respect for another man right now. You sound as if you have some good insight within you ya472..have you found your soul mate yet and partner? Thanks for you insight on my issue... Ally

allylooking

Joined: 11/23/2006

Msg: 7 (view)

women helping women in relationships Posted: 1/15/2007 7:42:27 PM
Thanks for your opinion, Irishsign27... I tried to help her and by doing so he has a history of physical violence to me and I took the chance that if she tells him of my advice to her that he will surely be over here in a flash to show me his anger, and that scares me, but I did the right thing I feel by trying to help her. Yes she will see in time that I was telling her the truth, unfortunately at that time she too will be terribly hurt, and that is what saddens me. I am glad that your lady friend listened and got out sooner. You also did a good thing trying to help her. And yes guess that the lady that I am trying to help will have to learn on her own. I had nobody to warn me of his emtional issues, otherwise I would have never become involved with him. Thank you again for listening and caring enough to share with me. Ally

allylooking

Joined: 11/23/2006

Msg: 5 (view)

women helping women in relationships Posted: 1/15/2007 7:34:23 PM
I don't know, what the rules have been, I just know that I myself also felt that it was not appropriate to put his name on my last Post, and I myself voted to delete that Post to take his name off. Just felt the need to do so and appologize to anybody that read the last Post and felt that I was disrespectful to him, beings he isnt telling his side of the story, know what I mean? It just wasnt right to have his name there altho I sure hope nobody else out there is emailing him also as there is proof that there are several are along with this woman that I have been trying to help. Thanks for your thoughts.... Ally

allylooking

Joined: 11/23/2006

Msg: 1 (view)

women helping women in relationships Posted: 1/15/2007 7:10:18 PM
This is my second Post as I myself voted to Delete my last one. I appologize to all for my not knowing the rules well, I should not have entered the mans name. I am a compassionate woman who cares about others and need advice on how to help another woman from experiencing pain from a man as I did. A man I was with for 5 years having met on the internet and moving to his location with promises of marriage from him. September he told me that he had met someone else and after 2 weeks emailing her and never meeting her asked her to marry him and she said yes, and is relocating from New Orleans to be with him. She was told that I didnt exist for 2 years and has found her proof that I did exist and thus sees that he is a liar and a cheat but thinks that it wont happen to her. This man had me in a emotional control and was abusive emtionally and physcially and has this pattern with other women. I see now that the whole relationship with him was all manipulated and abusive and was bound to end this way. How do I make her see that she too will be hurt. Maybe I should not worry about her? I want nothing to do with him any longer but am saddened that she will be hurt also. Do I just forget about helping her???????

allylooking

Joined: 11/23/2006

Msg: 434 (view)

Cheating- can you forgive? Posted: 1/15/2007 6:45:37 PM
Sorry, but if someone is in a relationship that isn't meeting all their needs, then it is up to that person to be "big enough" and emotionally mature" enough to speak to their partner and talk about what isn't satisfying to them. NOT to go out and cheat and be so hurtful and sneaky about it. That is just disrespectful to their partner. Somehow "cheaters" never really think about what it does to the other person involved who doesn't know about the cheating. And I believe in "what goes around comes around" for all of our actions.. Someday those people themselves will feel the pain that they have caused someone else. Think they are going to like it?? Probably not. Cheaters have no compassion for others feelings.... ust my opinion. Ally

allylooking

Joined: 11/23/2006

Msg: 433 (view)

Cheating- can you forgive? Posted: 1/15/2007 6:41:00 PM
Katherine, Woamn you really hit it on the head with your reply about forgiving cheating. I am late in the game here with this but I too have been dealing with the same issues just recently and what you said really helped me. Thank you. And I too believe that once a cheater always a cheater, it is something in the "soul" of a person that cheats, it is their "character" and without "trust" any relationship will fail. Thank you Katherine!!! Ally

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