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 Author Thread: Inside
 Questamaya
Joined: 11/27/2006
Msg: 78 (view)
 
Inside
Posted: 8/7/2007 8:31:38 PM

I will hang on until I no longer can, I'm too much of a stubborn prick to quit. I am full of rage at these circumstances, and that will probably drive me to victory

I am glad you have those traits...
even though I don't know you that well,.. I do believe you will be victorious.
Q
If you feel up to it,.. can I see some more written work?
 Questamaya
Joined: 11/27/2006
Msg: 75 (view)
 
Inside
Posted: 8/7/2007 2:04:27 PM
For the most part what you've said is true, except that very
last sentence. I have -- by experience -- learned usly foolish errors as
a result of disabled thinking. I am sick of being accountable for things
I didn't choose and don't want to happen. However, this is my life, and
I must accept that I am what I am. I have tried desperately to not feel
sorry for myself, though I am sure I have felt very sorry. I would say
that I think I need to feel sorry, because I suffer despair daily. I am
a human being, I can not take an everlong barage of beatings. I believe
I am strong enough to overcome this disease, but a belief is not fact.
The fact is, I'm slowly healing. It is unknown whether I will recover,
it is unknown what will happen. A slow recovery does not mean
functional, happy, or normal. I occasionally experience partial
functionality. Those watching me would almost believe nothing were
wrong, but inside the pain is present. My eyes hurt, my head hurts, I
feel fatigued, my joints bother me, my organs hurt and don't work
correctly, it is a bit like slow tedious torture. Like the ocean eroding
a cliff. Sometimes the waves are tremendous and violent, and sometimes a
gentle current, -- but either way, the cliff continues to slip
away.
<
hi Mike
I sat down to read and re-read your words, and let them truly sink in.
wow, forgive me for being a fool. I am starting to see and understand better what you meant by not being understood. Not many would.
I am trying to understand, and wish there was something I could do to help. I also understand that It could be too easy to feel sorry for yourself, and get stuck in it.
More than anything, I am trying to out myself in your shoes, if
anything, to try and imagine and understand a fraction of what you experience. The frustration, despair and angst are just a few of the emotions that would consume me. Feeling trapped would not even describe it- more like enslavement where you are at the whim of the disease and its cruel tantrums of fancy.
It is your own personal hell at all times - isn't it. That
is true isolation. I understand if you welcome the thought of death and sweet release and freedom. Staying here takes so much unimaginable courage, valor spiritual strength beyond anything I have seen. You put the rest of us to shame.
I don't blame you for being infuriated with the world and the sad sacks of sh*t we are for complaining over the smallest inconvenience.
None of that minor crap really matters- does it?.
Oh god, Mike, forgive me for being stupid. I wish there was something I could do- so you wouldnt have to go through this.
I hope you will continue to share your work. I would like to read more.
Q
 Questamaya
Joined: 11/27/2006
Msg: 74 (view)
 
Inside
Posted: 8/6/2007 6:59:58 PM

I am acutely aware at this present time of how true it is that happiness will inevitably come from within, but first clearing out the mind, and dealing with issues -- which is a process in itself, is part of that process. I am pleased to admit today that while I have not cleared everything, I'm on my way, for the sake of the way itself.

You can be more than pleased. Be elated in knowing that you have become awake, which is one of the toughest things to do. That is an incredibly difficult step to take.

Whether you have seen the Movie ‘The Matrix’ or not, you may want to watch it especially when you are in the process of waking from the mind numbing routine that has become life for most. It is now a process, of unlearning, recognizing, and rebuilding the understanding of what is reality and what is illusion.
You are at the point of recognizing there is more, and have been handed the pills. You have chosen the pill. It has to be a conscious choice and it has to be your choice. One you have made that choice.

Accepting you faults and the illness you endure ( as odd as it may sound) allows for a calmer environment in you mind in which to address the things you would like to change.
Being hard on yourself is like having someone yell at you for a mistake- and you getting defensive- except it happens within you. When you accept and forgive yourself for the faults, errors, mistakes and shortcomings- even ill health, you create an UN-defensive and non-angry peaceful space within you in which any personal ‘constructive criticism’ can more readily be acknowledged and taken into account, and with time spent finding a constructive solution.
I hope this makes sense to you. Just remember that any harshness creates defensiveness with causes the shield or wall of protection to go up, and then no communication is getting through and nothing constructive is getting done.
As always Mike, I am rooting for you, and sending positive thoughts your way.
Hugs.
Q
 Questamaya
Joined: 11/27/2006
Msg: 73 (view)
 
Inside
Posted: 8/6/2007 5:03:43 PM
Mike,
You mentionied you are trying to understand the idea of being in the moment.
I recommend these books for you- by Eckhart Tolle
"The Power of NOW”- his personal story and experiences of being in the moment. Incredible. He himself experienced a night of anguish that “caused his ego to collapse in on itself” .
His other books- I have not yet read," Stillness speaks”, ”A New Earth”,
“Entering the Now’; “Flowering the human consciousness”; “Realization of Being”; "Gateway to the Now"; "Stillness Speaks"; "The Art of Presence”; and more.

WAIT! – I HAVE NEVER SEEN this one before, it's titled;
“Living the Liberated Life, and Dealing with the Pain Body” witht he description
From the publisher: A bold new vision for experiencing the fullness of life, Tolle believes it is possible to cultivate the habit of living in the now if people can free themselves from past conditioning.
I honestly don't know if you'd be interested, but I thought I would mention it.
Q
 Questamaya
Joined: 11/27/2006
Msg: 72 (view)
 
Inside
Posted: 8/6/2007 10:33:13 AM

I am awestruck at the underlying flow in the topics. I had written my reasons for why i wrote the poem in the way I , with the words I used, and the posts that followed seemed to reveal the heart and thought behind the words.

I got distracted while writing- and i realize now it doesn't make sense. it should read-
** I had written my reasons for why I wrote the poem in that way- using the words i used, last night. The posts that followed... etc.
hope that make s more sense.
 Questamaya
Joined: 11/27/2006
Msg: 71 (view)
 
Inside
Posted: 8/6/2007 10:01:02 AM
Thank you both for the kind sweet words. If you knew me- I don't think the word graceful would not come to mind. LOL Goofy maybe.

I have to say, that this thread has been a learning exercise in following the direction and guidance of my heart- in expressing and in responding and questioning. One topic or area I wish to discuss, seems to be superceded by the thoughts, ideas or comments directed at another area of dicussion.





Another question –(this one just for contemplation); why do you want a relationship?
It is a question I debating writing down- but I decided to do so on the condition I also put the question to myself. And I have (It is only fair).


Relationship? I'm not sure I understand.

Reading back to how I worded it- I can see where the confusion lies. Let me rephrase it. “Why do you want a relationship in your life? What are your reasons for wanting it?
It is a personal question. One you should answer to yourself.
The reason I ask it is because very few people even stop to consider the reasons why they want it. I think it is important to at least understand the drive within one’s heart to find a partner and why. Some people enter relationships because they are alone and don’t like to be. Others want someone to take care of them, others because it is the next step in life dictated by society. Finding the truth behind your personal motivations can clarify a lot of reasons why we make the wrong choices in partners, and as well as insecurities within ourselves.
I will share my some of my reasons- good and bad.
I recognize that a few years ago my need was a misguided one driven by a need to feel loved, cared for, validated as a person and whole. I didn’t feel real until I was loved (yes very misguided). When I stopped and asked my self this question I realized I had no clue as to what went into a relationship, I was really in no way emotionally ready for a relationship. Out of the desire to be loved, My mind would also create delusions, and story lines that didn’t even exist- perhaps out of desperation for some sense of belonging? I wanted to learn about myself and what triggered some of the emotions.
It was a process for me (still is), and it required to see myself like a loving partner would, at times I had to see myself with the perception of a parent. As I watched myself in daily interactions, I became aware of subconscious triggers, emotions and insecurities

I began to pay attention to the moments when I felt the desire or loneliness- and noticed that a lot of the time they were moments in which I wanted to share my thoughts, a moment of joy with someone, the breathtaking scenery, the observations of a child wrapped up in his own thoughts while playing, a joke, a knowing look, and have them understand and be glad to be in the moment together.
I wanted to feel loved for who I am, with all my strange quirks, shortcomings, and mistakes, with the understanding that I extend the same loving courtesy, but at the same time reminding ourselves that we can grow, and to always strive to do and be a better version of ourselves, and never stagnate.
And of course, I want to give love. I have a lot within me, and have not had many takers . (you can imagine how that could play havoc with one’s self esteem).
I have expressed and given love in the past only to find that people take advantage, and when I do something in love- I have to do it without expectations of it returning to me. It has been a one sided experience.
The funny thing is, I have realized that in the few instances that it has been returned, it has been very hard to accept. And I recognize that when I do become involved in a relationship- the fear of the unknown and unfamiliar territory will probably cause me to make many, many mistakes. I figure, when the time comes, all I can do is be honest with the guy- and let him know I am scared, and ask him to be patient, and try and be aware when the fear starts to emerge.
As for my imagination, I have since learned to recognize when my imagination starts want to express itself- and I can appreciate it. It expresses my inner desire and hopes mentally in movie style- and I know it is not real but I honestly appreciate its vividness and creativity. It is what helps me express creatively, and I accept it is part of me- and I try to spend time with it (as weird as that sounds). It is part of me. I don’t fight it, I understand it, but decide when I allow it to come forth. Does that make sense?

I noticed how When I quit smoking- a lot of the suppressed anxieties and issues started to surface- and HOW! They still come to the surface in waves. All I can do is feel it, identify what I am feeling and why. As odd as it sounds, it is like a conversation within me. I let my heart express it to me, I listen, and then I challenge the fear and outline why it no longer applies or is not true.

Anyway, getting back to the question, I find it is sometimes it is good to ask the question at different intervals in your life. Check in with your heart and stay grounded.
(yikes, I didn’t expect to write this much.)




To Be Discovered is a well written piece of work. It is important -- I should think -- to not only use adjectives, but to explore personal context, or character context. Without it, you are simply displaying words without giving yourself the entire picture. The piece is written in the first person, yet nothing about that person's circumstance, neither in fiction or fact, is present. A process is being exposed, yet for what reason?

What is your opinion on such constructive criticism

I am thankful for and appreciate the constructive criticism.
I can see what you mean, it is vague, maybe too much so, however it is for a reason.
I wanted it to be a little vague to leave the reader wondering what the possibility is. What ever the situation, respecting each individual and allowing them to explore and discover beyond what they thought was limited, creates a new and real experience beyond ur wildest and happiest expectations. It allows for the expression of truth.
As they consider different possibilities they wonder what expectation or preconceived notions there may be attached to each possibility, and what the self made illusions one can create in it. Usually people will relate to their own situation, and hopefully they begin to wonder what the limitless possibility is.
Or maybe I have lost all grips on reality?? *ugh* - *giggle* oh well!!

After the last few posts, you will actually see much clearer the thoughts behind "To be Discovered" . I am awestruck at the underlying flow in the topics. I had written my reasons for why i wrote the poem in the way I , with the words I used, and the posts that followed seemed to reveal the heart and thought behind the words.

Q
 Questamaya
Joined: 11/27/2006
Msg: 5 (view)
 
Italian and greek foods
Posted: 8/5/2007 8:17:41 PM
if you and somethign on line,.. maybe foodnetwork.com - i know there are LOTS of italiam recipes, greek too. hope that helps
 Questamaya
Joined: 11/27/2006
Msg: 67 (view)
 
Inside
Posted: 8/5/2007 6:44:26 PM

You mention that we need forgiveness,.. the most important forgiveness we can give is forgiveness to ourselves . A lot of people judge themselves harshly for what have or haven’t accomplished.
There is a perception that one has to be perfect in society. Have you
noticed this? It is the standard of perfection that we measure ourselves
against, and then judge ourselves harshly when we don’t measure
up.


This is very real. I am consumed by it. The quotes speak true to the
experiences of my life and of the concepts of my writing.


Do you feel pushed by expectations and time constraints? Are they
self imposed ? Are they set in place by what society says you should have accomplished by certain times lines? I’m sure you are aware of the
difference. Who are the people deciding these standards? And why do we follow their standards? Are the people who set these standards truly happy? Why do we accept someone else’s “one size fits all” idea of how life should be lived?
If we jam ourselves into a puzzle hole we are not meant to fit, we are going to end up broken, twisted and scarred. (Does this sound familiar to some situations or people found in society?)


The devil is nearly always in the details. The complexity of real life is everything compared to the shadow of understanding people think they have of someone's failure in a relationship while standing on the outside looking in.


The devil is in the details that manufacture a perception of convenience. Sometimes the failures in relationships or personal and the denial to face them, complicate situations and their lives much more than need be?. Do You realize, the amount of energy it takes to create the frame of lies to support the denial and a roof of defensiveness?
People on the outside judge the actions and the success and failures, but the misery one carries on the inside- out of sight from the world, still eats away at the self esteem, self respect, sense of peace, truth within, to feed the hunger of the growing fear and self loathing.
Keeping silent may be the biggest mistake one can make. In the Catholic church there is the rite of confession, which when done with acknowledgement, repentance, humility and sincere desire to surpass the error actually help in the process of forgiving oneself. Unfortunately, people are rarely truly repentant, which is evident in their daily behavior.
Accepting that you are human and fallible, is one step toward personal forgiveness. NO one in this world is perfect- so why do we hold ourselves to a perfect standard?
Is it because people want to belong, be accepted, and loved that they push for perfection? Is it because they don't feel like they deserve it inside, that they strive for the appearance of perfection?

Here are some questions of a more personal nature- and I fully understand if you choose not to answer them.

Perhaps later, I'm not interested in "writing" lately.

Are you alright? Is it a result of your health or something else? Are you currently in a difficult stage of your on going health issues? You had mentioned that you were slowly emerging from the disease- and if I remember correctly – to reach a manageable level- or can it be cured or almost cured (resulting in medication for the rest of you life)?
What happens on a bad day? Is it joint inflammation alone, or do you have other side effects? I would imagine that would make it hard and pain full to move around. How do you cope?



It makes sense. If that is the way that you best understand it, then use what works.

*smile* I bet you think it is a rosy and naïve view or interpretation of this world. I did read your piece titled ‘Each morning’. You were quite upset.
You may not remember- although I think you do- what sparked the emotion that ignited the anger that you expressed there.
I understand that the things you mention are beyond irritating , frustrating, create a feeling of anguish toward where we are heading and enough to want to violently throttle them (I do have an angry streak in me- although I don’t like to go there)
Personally I have noticed that the anger is usually a sign of an underlying issue.
When I start to notice myself get angrier, I stop to assess what the real issue is. Sometimes it takes me a couple of weeks to figure it out- other times more.
When people start to direct their anger toward the outside world, they are avoiding the issue within them. The outside world reflects the state of people’s hearts inside.
It never serves a purpose to focus on the outside- for the simple reason that you can’t change anyone else but you. You have control over you.
To try and change everyone else only creates a feeling of overwhelming despair at the extent of the task to convert everyone. It is self defeating when you fail as a result of betting heads time after time with others with the same attitude on the other side of the fence.
Living by example is what people see and trust, and once you have your mind, and heart in order, then you can start to take on larger issues out in the community- and people will follow, because of your integrity.
Gandhi was right when he said “Be the change you wish to see in the world”.

Another question –(this one just for contemplation); why do you want a relationship?
It is a question I debating writing down- but I decided to do so on the condition I also put the question to myself. And I have (It is only fair).

There is a book called “Mentally Speaking” written by Stephen B Stokl, MD, a Canadian Psychiatrist who discussed the different facets of human behavior using Humor and with a Christian conscience. It is not as dry as some books can be- and the humor is very refreshing. He strongly believes that humor creates the best results.
I share the following anecdote from the book- had me laughing for a good day- actually I still chuckle- there is a stark resemblance to my brother’s communication skills.

A young man called his mother and asked her how she was doing.
“Oh not to good,” she said, “ I Actually have been feeling very tired and weak lately.”
‘Why are you so weak?” asked her son
“well I haven’t eaten in 39 days.”
The Son was shocked. “39 Days?! Why haven’t you eaten for such a long time?”
“ I didn’t want my mouth to be full of food when you called!”
* *
Isn’t guilt a marvelous thing?

Be safe. Take care.
Q

ps- as for the constructive criticism- I will answer shortly- but first I want to know what YOU think it was about. You may help me prove a point- or not.. we'll see *smile*
 Questamaya
Joined: 11/27/2006
Msg: 65 (view)
 
Inside
Posted: 8/5/2007 1:06:15 PM
This idea started to form in my head and seemed to tie into what you wrote here in "Where will you find Yourself"- I hope it makes a little sense. I realize it is an unusual approach.

(ok, i wrote this in simple terms, to keep it uncomplicated for myself in the process of capturing the thought and essence down on paper. - Does that make me simple? *grin*
I am going to put forth an idea, using a game/sports type comparison or example. then at the end you can decide i am psycho and have me committed- LOL

Lets look at this from the point of limited perception of the human consciousness versus the all-encompassing perception of the eternal and all knowing (if we can ). Also this is based on the idea that God Is ALL that is- the alpha and the omega- the beginning and the end- all that is and ever will be.

Lets say- you knew which team was going to win the Super Bowl, and it was the
team you wanted to win.
Lets say GOD is the winning team- and in HIS reality the Game has been played and won, He has already defeated the 'evil' team and has the proverbial trophy sitting in his living room. In wining the battle, he has already converted the members of "team evil" *(suffering, despair, greed, fear, anger, deceit etc) and given them new names, and are
celebrating with the 'good' team members (justice, truth, love, faith, compassion, patience, etc).

What if God asked us to be part of the game? What if you had the opportunity to be part of the win? Would you not want to contribute to the success and outcome? everybody is a player with an opportunity to make a mark in what happens at a universal level. all w have to do is focus on a 'good' game and take the obstacles and as they come. Some players are the heavy hitters because they have the most difficult
challenges to overcome while playing the game. We are still in this reality- in the midst of the game in progress. What if the cheering you did, in fact did affect the outcome of the game?
In this case, the cheering would be the choices we make in how we live, act and treat others.
Every time we choose honesty,hope, justice, love, compassion, truth, charity, peace, etc. and apply it to our lives, we are contributing to the 'game of the universal eternity'- (Forget the game of the century)!

When you are playing a sport- you are aware of the moment, the moment to moment plays and constantly looking for opportunity to participate and help the team. You are aware of every moment, the people around you, at times you can feel your heart beat faster in anticipation of the outcome of a maneuver or play.
If you want to be a major player in the outcome, you have a choice whether you want to be a David Beckham (sorry for switching to soccer- but I don't know any prominent football players)- or Wayne Gretzky (canadian!!!!), or are you gonna be a couch player?

Maybe Being in the 'now' is being aware of how you choose to see the moment, perceive it and learn from it and the possibilities in that moment. What if each choice makes us part of the whole, and helps to connect us?
All that is needed is our ability, desire and free will to make the choices.

hope it makes sense in some way.
Q
i have other weird simplified theories- ( * giggle- after this maybe you don't wanna know)
 Questamaya
Joined: 11/27/2006
Msg: 57 (view)
 
Inside
Posted: 8/4/2007 8:19:15 PM
Ok, I do have some questions, and some theories, but to be painfully and completely honest, my experiences is limited.


Is it any wonder that it's not just sex we long for, but that emotional connection to someone else -- usually of the opposite sex -- where we feel we have another who desires us, makes us feel moved and real?

I agree. The desire for emotional connection with others is exhibited at different level of the social experience. The need to belong in groups whether they are on a global scale (countries, war, political), national scale (such as social class, political, clubs and sports Leagues etc.), and then on a somewhat smaller and closely knit community scale ( such as church, acquaintances, volunteer groups, and poker night buddies), and family scale (direct family, relatives, and close friends). Next level of intimate would be Significant other and children, and then The Most intimate of these relationships would be with yourself and between you and your maker. (in my opinion).
When you have a partner that demonstrates that they desire, appreciate and love you for who you are on different levels and different facets must be an incredible feeling of validation and connection on the physical, emotional and spiritual levels. One would probably feel happy.


In a lot of dead relationships, where communication has broken down to a point where romance is replaced by despair, love is replaced by fear of being found out, and guilt rises to the surface of consciousness poisoning and paralyzing the soul.

I would hope out of honor and respect (if no longer out of love) an effort was made to continue the communication or take it to a new level. If this is no longer possible because the dedication is no longer mutual, ideally the final communication providing closure should be made. I can understand delay in ending is promptly, it would take time to work out details and come to terms with it. Letting go of something familiar (even though it is toxic) is never easy to do. I realize sometimes fear of change, not wanting to hurt the other or even fear of being alone again can terrify people into accepting status quo. In some cases, There can also be a many more people to consider or issues to juggle when deciding to act or not.


Is it all to unfortunate for those who find themselves trapped in relationships -- where they've found themselves unable to cope with the conflicts that arise from a quiet despair that plagues so many relationships today. The void some fill with the love of another often compromises more then just their relationship, but something far deeper -- the heart of another, as well as their own.


NOW taking into consideration the desire to be happy by having a connection with someone that desires you. Cultivating those connections with people where the appreciation, respect, love, trust, honesty and loyalty are mutual will make enhance the happiness within. Would Love magnify the happiness two souls share which would then fortifies the love, increases the respect, and purifies the truth an d honesty? Or is that just too naïve to believe?

How many people expect their Partner to bring, create or make their happiness? Is that a realistic expectation? Why would we make the other person responsible for our personal happiness? Personal happiness is just that- personal- for us to define, establish and create- is it not? Would it be fair to make someone else fully responsible for that, which only you hold the key to deciphering in your head and heart? And if you put yourself on the other side of the table, would you want to be responsible for someone’s happiness?
What is the other person dropped the ball and disappointed you- by not making you happy all the time? I think this happens more often than we realize. I have seen it, and am well aware that I once held that idea.
Could it be that the feelings of being trapped, isolated, unwanted and unfulfilled be born of our own lack of personal and relationship maintenance of the spirit and connection? What if it was us that let ourselves down?
Why would you go outside of the connective unit to seek solution instead of within it?

I am aware and understand that love is a difficult topic, because there are so many points of view. I am grateful you have shared this, because it is not often I get to see a man’s point of view on it.
Hope you are having a great weekend. Take care.
Q
 Questamaya
Joined: 11/27/2006
Msg: 56 (view)
 
Inside
Posted: 8/4/2007 5:43:08 PM
I have some thoughts and questions about your piece “Do Not conform”.



All the failures in my life and in our world come at the hand of
believing that nothing can fail us here, that our relationships, that our goals,
and dreams are never ending -- that somewhere beyond today, rests our
salvation.

I hope I understood this, if not please clarify for me. Are you saying in effect,..
Each minute and each hour and each day is the mortar and the bricks for what we
build our dreams and our future. If we fill these moments of our days with
substandard material and sub-par moments, we are compromising the infrastructure
on which we build and create our dreams and fulfill our hopes for the future.
If we want to have a life of quality, we have to realize that the moments of NOW
are the building blocks of tomorrow. What you choose each moment, is what
you are investing in the future- your future relationships, goals and dreams.

You share a slightly different perspective and expression I have not considered
on this topic...something to contemplate further.

What are your thoughts on the causes of these attitudes? Do you feel it stems
from a loss of family values? Moral values? Do you feel there is a sense of
entitlement? Any thoughts on where that attitude may come from? Why do YOU think people don’t accept accountability?



We're so afraid to be alone, abandoned, to be failures, -- we've all been
hurt, and we're all in need of something greater than this infinite loneliness
we're coddling in our atrophy and acceptance of the unacceptable. We're all
frozen, and numb, feeling stuck and dying for motion -- fearful that it will
never come -- we're dying to move and be moved. Love is the movement, it is the
cure. We all need forgiveness, to feel loved, and to be touched. We all need to
learn to breath, to hope, and believe. We're all waking up to the truth that our
lives are more then money.

I have noticed this too. A lot of people just sometimes can’t stand to be alone
(especially with their thoughts), if they find themselves in the position, they
find something to do to keep them busy and face their thoughts and fears. The
irony may be that if they did, they might get to know themselves and their
situation better, and move past their fears.
You mention that we need forgiveness,.. the most important forgiveness we can
give is forgiveness to ourselves . A lot of people judge themselves harshly for
what have or haven’t accomplished. There is a perception that one has to be
perfect in society. Have you noticed this? It is the standard of perfection
that we measure ourselves against, and then judge ourselves harshly when we
don’t measure up.
Q
Some of these following quotes reminded me of what you had said in some of your works.

“People are never more insecure than when they become obsessed by their fears at
the expense of their dreams.”
- Norman Cousins

“To teach people to read without teaching them not to believe everything they
read is only to prepare them for a new slavery.” -Jean Guehenno

“Some people buy things they don’t need, with money they don’t have, to impress
people they don’t even like.”
-Unknown
 Questamaya
Joined: 11/27/2006
Msg: 55 (view)
 
Inside
Posted: 8/4/2007 8:18:05 AM
this quote made me think of you,.. and your experience,..

"It is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled, or where the doer of deeds could havedone better.
The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly ; who errs and comes short again and again; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, and spends himself in a worthy cause."
- Theodore Roosevelt

hey , if you are up for writing challenge,..and a test of your vocabulary, how a bout this for expanding and pushing your minds limits.
" how would you describe your voice?" (describe it like your would a wine and its suble flavours and bouquets) (*muah haha!!)
- you have probably just come to the conclusion that I am evil,.. (lol)
 questamaya
Joined: 11/27/2006
Msg: 54 (view)
 
Inside
Posted: 8/3/2007 8:29:50 PM
here's another attempt... about making connections

To Be Discovered.

The Possibility does not scare me
rather the false hope of self made illusions,..
terrifies me.
I've learned to take the moments as they come and flow
without expectations or pre-definitions

It is something best to be discovered
so what develops and evolves is sincere
without manipulation, and purely real
A special connection that defines itself.
with each unique minute
Unboxed, and free of preconceived ideas
and free in each moment to evolve
beyond one's perceived ultimate happiness
Each individual's truth at each defining moment
helps to map this unknown territory
of these minds, hearts and sincere instants
of connection, happen to lead them
exploring endless possibilities
waiting to be discovered.

Ilona Toth August 2007 To Be Discovered
 Questamaya
Joined: 11/27/2006
Msg: 52 (view)
 
Inside
Posted: 8/3/2007 6:03:21 PM
I highly reccomend the movie "POWDER" to you, i have a feeling you will understand it better than most. Please trust me on this one.
Q
 Questamaya
Joined: 11/27/2006
Msg: 51 (view)
 
Inside
Posted: 8/3/2007 5:09:55 PM
I have just had a quite moment to properly read and focus on ‘I Will Carry My Cross Where I Don't Belong’, and I don’t know what to say.
When I first sent you an email- I had mentioned that I sensed you had wisdom beyond your years of someone who had been through a lot.
The imagery of the dreamed conveyed if but a small percentage of the anguish and torture you felt , holy sh*t- excuse my French, but holy sh*t.
By the end of it, I am sobbing and speechless.
This one reflects and mirrors things you have written about yourself and experiences, in other posts.
I want to say something- but what? I wish you didn’t have to feel so alone or endure all that, but I know I was something you had to go through,. This experience, as infinitely difficult as it must have been to go through is 2 or 3 rungs of the ladder that has brought you to this awareness
I have nothing to offer – even at this late point in time- except my tears for what you went through (actually , I’m sobbing), a sense of feeling proud for you and the strength and courage and perseverance it has taken to get through it- ( EVEN if you don’t believe me and even if the word of a stranger doesn’t hold much weight- I am proud of you).
Finally, it is not much, but I offer a hug, maybe it’s too little and way too late, but its from the heart.


now i need to get a kleenex,...
 Questamaya
Joined: 11/27/2006
Msg: 49 (view)
 
Inside
Posted: 8/3/2007 4:01:58 PM
I have to catch up,.. pant, pant pant,... this is from a few posts back....



The self-expression is a strong step, though is it entirely honest with
self? Is this a moment forged in time, which has finished, or is this an ongoing
poem unwritten in your life? I have been inspired to write with the
understanding that the writing continues long after the characters on the screen
or page have concluded a particular exploration or adversity. An ever evolving
and growing work of art is important to me.

I think that we are only as honest as we choose to be- or can be at certain
points in our development. To say ‘I am completely honest with myself’ could
not be true unless you had reached enlightenment. To say ‘I am as honest with
my self as my awareness allows’ would be a more accurate statement. Exposing
yourself to the truth about any situation is a lifetime step by step process of
peeling back layers of lies, illusions and excuses. Some of these are
personally created, others can be passed down from outside sources, whether they
be family or society or political ( I would say there is a difference from
societal and political lies- but that could be a topic for another day).
These layers have to be revealed and uncovered little by little. To strip all
the layers at once would be beyond traumatic. There would have to be a layer
removal and a time to integrate the new information and use it.
Growth for me is ongoing- I actually describe myself as a work in progress in
my profile. The day I stop striving to learn and grow, it the day I die on multidimensional levels.



… writing is always first to serve the author, it is he or she who learns the most, grows the most, and is shaped by each time they enter the process.

I was going to suggest that the process of writing not only serves the author but also serves to document and guide others through the process as we, However, I realized that indeed the author does benefit most from the process, because apart from having the documents to detail the journey of growth, he has also experienced the process which helps to engrain the lessons in the mind and carve the understanding and compassion in the soul. The experience does hold more weight and value than would following the guidance, simply because instead of having the maps that tell you how to navigate thought the straights, reefs, storms and stillness, you would also have the benefit of know why not to go a different way, as well as the experience- and later the foresight to know what happens or can happen if you do deviate. After that the choice to do so is conscious and delibeate.



An ever evolving and growing work of art is important to me.

I agree- as anything advances and evolves there are going to be different
Levels and layers to the experience.
But do not forget, that you, yourself are the work, and the writing merely documents the process and the journey along the way, providing a point of reference or base reading from which to track you progress.



 Questamaya
Joined: 11/27/2006
Msg: 47 (view)
 
Inside
Posted: 8/3/2007 2:39:52 PM
OMG! I think it would have made more sense if I had proof read it before posting it. Trying to get things done in 15 min breaks can create some interesting results- LOL.
This was inspired by a very unique sunset, a color I had never seen before and highly unusual cloud formations I witnessed in 2005, not 2006. At that point in time I was feeling the effects of a long dry spell.
It was One of those moments that you know is sacred and wish you could share with someone special. At that point It is like watching the Northern Lights (Aurora Borealis) and the delicate blue, green, white and pink colors pulse and undulate as they dance gracefully across the sky.
I will keep working on it. But I think instead of the weeping heart approach to the verses, I think I will focus on the beauty in nature and relationships. I don’t want to focus on lacking, but rather admiration of the positive displays- With just a touch of sadness as in the second paragraph (which I had designated as the chorus).
revamped:
Under a grape purple sky I sit in reverie
Awe and wonder fills this heart in me
A desire to share this, explodes within
The glorious sites these eyes alone have seen
Descriptive Words fall short and could never express.
The detail, color and beauty just end up suppressed

I have responses to your questions on the way- I just began expanding on one thought as a result.
PS- hope you ar having a great day-

 Questamaya
Joined: 11/27/2006
Msg: 45 (view)
 
Inside
Posted: 8/3/2007 11:37:20 AM
I had mentioned a poem i started to sing,..i was going to share the full
song- but when i read it over - the only part I was really feeling and
liked was the first 2 paragraphs- ( the rest of it was a little too sad
and whiney- from when I was in that frame of mind).
There are some lines among the other paragraphs i may salvage- but i
have to sit down and work it out.
Again, no where near polished, and yes, rudimentary and unsophisticated.
But i like it.

Grape Purple Sky

Under a grape purple sky I sit in reverie
Awe and wonder fills this hear in me
A desire to share this, explodes within
The glorious sites these eyes alone have seen
Descriptive Words fall short and could never express.
The detail, color and beauty end up suppressed

This grape purple sky , brings a tear to my eye
my soul want to sing, but my heart wants to cry
such beauty and wonder
are best shared in life;
is that why such beauty brings this lonely heart strife?

* unfinished unpolished and under renovation * *giggle
Ilona toth, may 2006
 Questamaya
Joined: 11/27/2006
Msg: 44 (view)
 
Inside
Posted: 8/3/2007 8:58:24 AM
Any time you combine 2 passions, in your case music and writing, and you follow your heart, You WILL have success. I sense you are driven.
Any idea what you feel may keep you from finishing a song? Is this something new you have wanted to attempt?
You had mentioned following 'form". Do you find you get tangled in trying to follow form? I know there are guidelines to follow when writing songs, but I have often wondered stressing over the form/layout instead of focusing on heart and content is what causes writer's block?
Quite honestly I don't know much of the music side of writing form, but i have on occassion written something and tried to sing it.
keep it up!!
Q
 Questamaya
Joined: 11/27/2006
Msg: 41 (view)
 
Inside
Posted: 8/2/2007 6:06:17 PM
The following is one I wrote when I made the decision to break an emotional dependency and the cycle of lies and excuses that kept me there.
It is not be very sophisticated or follow any rules. I always seem to end up rhyming them, because the extra challenge seems to help me focus.
I got myself a journal today, because my mind has been actively (and sleeplessly) composing. (you hav eno idea how many times I got out of bed to write he stuff down) .
Well here goes. I had origianlly considered the title of this one (believe it or not) "Inside of Me".

Lie-ability Lost

Early this morning as the dawn broke,
With new realization I awoke,
Last nights decision had effectively broke,
The cycle of lies, - and brought some hope.

I made an effort to Open my eyes,
And clearly see that blanket of lies
Was holding me back and keeping me tied,
to a destructive path in which I could die.

My spirit has suffered and shed many tears,
That false sense of security over so many years,
My mind would not accept truth by mirror,
Until last night, did it all become clear.

Old pattern thoughts dissolve and cease to be,
Last night’s decision has helped me see,
I must give myself permission, and then set me free,
For all that I am and need is inside of me.

I would blame myself with each failed try,
And run back to you with tears in my eyes,
Your comforting silence, I now realize,
Was nothing more than companionship built on lies.

My life is no longer within your hold,
For I am determined to take back control,
With painful truth, my life unfolds,
And I face the truth, stark and cold.

With each unsure step I move forward,
Each courageous step, defies the inner coward,
This fearful side of me will no longer hold power,
I must weed my heart’s garden, so my soul will flower.

I own my past, and then let it go
Understand and release, these thoughts of old,
Let the truth sink in and then take hold
Face all the demons, while I stand bold.

As I veer away from this self made wrath,
I make the conscious choice to change my path.
I don’t want to be angry, so I choose to laugh,
And experience love’s overflow of life’s carafe.

I choose to grow, become aware of my worth,
I don’t want anger, rather I choose peace and mirth,
Been lost so long, need to reconnect to the earth,
I make these changes, For I choose rebirth.

Ilona Toth, May 3, 2005
 Questamaya
Joined: 11/27/2006
Msg: 40 (view)
 
Inside
Posted: 8/2/2007 6:04:25 PM
I am not sure what is entailed to copyright your work in the U.S., But I asked a friend in Austraila who Creates many songs and lyrics.
He told me that there, one way to copyright a personal work ( and the most cheapest) is to mail a copy to yourself so that they date and post mark are on the envelope, and ensure the envelope stays sealed. Should the need to prove the work is yours, open the envelope in the presence of a notary public (for example). Keep the title of the work on the envelope and file or store in safe place. The post office is a federal department- is it not?
Come to think of it, email may also be a credible source for time stamping work, although they may not be of the 'federal' calibur.
It could be as simple as the proof being in the "postal' pudding.
Q
(me, myself and I)
 Questamaya
Joined: 11/27/2006
Msg: 37 (view)
 
Inside
Posted: 8/2/2007 5:16:14 PM
Have you thought of copyrighting your work?
 Questamaya
Joined: 11/27/2006
Msg: 36 (view)
 
Inside
Posted: 8/2/2007 4:47:55 PM
If You find the compliments a bit suspicious I can understand why.- I would probably be too in you position. lol.
I am not expecting anything in return, I just find a lot of what you write either bang on (in my opinion), or they inspire thought and challenge the reader.
Maybe I am so sadly lacking any type of sharing of thoughts that challenge one to think. The truth is, when you spoke of loved ones you respect and love that would have the most affect on you, you hit a nerve with me. Maybe my experience is why I overcompensate with the compliments. I hope no discomfort was felt. (Lesson learned)

In your piece “No death for the living”, you seem to explorer other possibilities outside of religious beliefs, delving into Metaphysical concepts and brushing near other areas of science that bridge into each other.
I have been itching to ask you if have read any works by some certain authors I know have placed one foot outside their areas of scientific or religious expertise, to explore a new level. Do you have any favorite authors?
One of the Authors I want to name is Richard Bach, because you have referred to the concept of everything being intricately connected as ONE. He wrote the ever popular “Jonathan Livingston Seagull”, Illusions , and ONE.

I have been toying with the idea of sharing one of my poems, or a type of blog I wrote and shared with friends who encouraged and supported me when I had quit smoking. I Had not expected to have all the suppressed anger and emotions to surface as the time progressed and what I learned when I faced the issues in question.
If you are interested in reading them, let me know.

Q
 Questamaya
Joined: 11/27/2006
Msg: 33 (view)
 
Inside
Posted: 8/2/2007 6:10:23 AM
I want to take a moment to say how much I appreciate the fact that you are taking the time to share these with me. I know it can be hard to share writings that expose you inner most thoughts which at times is really hard to do. Thank you Mike, for the honor and the opportunity to read and enjoy them.
Q
(Ilona)

“Our battles are just won or lost in the secret places of our will in God’s presence, never in full view of the world”. – Oswald Chambers
 Questamaya
Joined: 11/27/2006
Msg: 30 (view)
 
Inside
Posted: 8/1/2007 5:28:12 PM
There are a few short comments I’d like to make, if I may.
In the work “All I Need” You have awesome insights and truths. I am still absorbing, what you wrote. Kind of like letting my senses distinguish the subtle aromas, bouquets and flavors that give a vintage wine its distinctive characteristics.

In “Can we talk”, I like how the aspiring plays the roll of double- edge sword (and the positive or negative effect it can have depending on the ailment). I understand and know how an aspirin can stave off the effects of a stroke, or kill someone if they are suffering from and aneurysm. (I like the medical terminology and reference).
An attempt at a ‘quick fix’ is dangerous if you do not understand the situation or the person involved or pay attention to the details and symptoms.

Ok, there are times when I am reading something you wrote that affects me in one way or another- whether find tears in my eyes, I am left speechless, or something grips my brain because it feels like you are talking directly to me- and in that moment the reaction is usually unexpected. I’m not saying this to kiss your ass. I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t mean it.
Ok,… that said I’d like you to consider a request and a topic.
First, I want to say that I like some of the visual descriptions you give of natural surroundings in some of your pieces. I was wondering if you have any others like that that describe places special to you in the New England area. I like to visualize places through the eyes of the writer.

Second, this is a forum topic I wrote that was misunderstood and as a result didn’t survive. I have no doubt you have considered it before, if not I would like to hear your thoughts on the topic- if you desire to share.

Thank The Catalyst

“Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through
experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition
inspired and success achieved.” - philanthropist, Helen Keller

Every life experiences problems, challenges and disasters along the way. The
challenge is to see the situations, difficulties, heartbreaks and suffering as
potential lessons to be learned. Some of these events turn into catalysts,
turning our world upside down and changes how we think, live or view the world.
A few years after and event like this, when we’ve reorganized our priorities
and started a different direction, we can look back to who we were before this
turning point, and see how far we have come, and how much we have grown.
In my experience, when I have looked back, and re-evaluate who I was at the
time, I am thankful for the difficulties I suffered and how it pushed me to
becoming who I am today, and will be in the future. As difficult as it was, it has made me wiser, richer and given me valuable insights
When I look back, I am thankful for the new understanding I have gained since then, and I would never want to go back to being that person.
Anyone else feel the same way? - Questamaya (2007)

I realize it’s not the easiest topic to digest. Perhaps it was not very well expressed. Whatever the reason, it was meant to promote thought.

I eagerly await your next work!

Q
 Questamaya
Joined: 11/27/2006
Msg: 28 (view)
 
Inside
Posted: 8/1/2007 12:20:08 PM
What has been your experience when you need to talk? DO you have someone to talkto who will just listen? Do you know anyone who knows, truly knows how to listen? If you have a friend like that- hang on to them. They are rare and precious.
There are times when you do need to just unload and discuss. For some people the process of talking about what hurts or causes turmoil in their mind, gives them an opportunity to organize their thoughts.
Listening is an art.
If you know how to listen, you have to be careful who of who you gift the listening. There are some who will take advantage and demand of your time selfishly.
Q
 Questamaya
Joined: 11/27/2006
Msg: 26 (view)
 
Inside
Posted: 8/1/2007 6:35:45 AM
Is the song 'Learning to Breathe' one you wrote? If so was it created on the spot? Inspired by the moment? I find being near water sources calimg and rejuvenating.
It is definately a way to revive your senses and your soul.
You also write alot of songs- don't you? If you are willing to share, I would like to see the words too.
How have you been feeling? I know you had a difficult period a few months ago. You seem to be improving and gaining strength (at least I hope so).
I was wondering if you have any written works that detail what you went through. I happened to catch a post you wrote that described some of what you went through -on a thread that did not survive. I want to understand.
Q
 Questamaya
Joined: 11/27/2006
Msg: 61 (view)
 
SAYING I LOVE YOU
Posted: 8/1/2007 4:01:08 AM
Say I love you only when you mean it. The words are only part of letting someone know you love them. Let your actions support your words, and give them more value and weight.
all the best.
Q
 Questamaya
Joined: 11/27/2006
Msg: 24 (view)
 
Inside
Posted: 7/31/2007 8:07:33 PM
Thank you for you kind words! Truthfully it is not easy for me share my thoughts.

ok,.. I read "Unseen mysteries", and you are starting to sacre me- because these words seem to have been gathered from my thoughts, experiences , wishes and perhaps whispers of my spirit. You used the word Resonate earlier, and that is exactly what this written work does for me. It eerily reflects my more private thoughts.
Are you trying to freak me out? lol
I have another unusual quote for you...


"Most people will never know anything beyond what they see, beyond their own two eyes." - Nightcrawler

I admire you passion for writing, so I found these quotes, hopefully there is one that you like or inspires.


" What the mind can conceive and the heart can believe, one can acheive." - - author unknown

There is nothing like the sight of an amputated spirit. There is no prosthesis for that"- Al Pacino's Character in " Scent of a Woman"

"Absence diminishes little passions and increases great ones, as wind extinguishes candles and fans a fire." - Francois De La Rochefouchauld

"you see things and say, 'Why?' But I dream things that never were; and I say 'Why not?' " - George Bernard Shaw


Q
 Questamaya
Joined: 11/27/2006
Msg: 22 (view)
 
Inside
Posted: 7/31/2007 5:43:13 PM
I am curious as to when you wrote this, and how do you (or did you) vent the anger you feel?
Reading your words, I know the rage, and the frustration, and I completely understand wanting the politicians to face the stark reality of the situations they choose not to face. Seeing them create the lies, illusions, and the denial so that they can feel better about themselves and not have to admit they failed. I hate politics. You have no idea. Seeing and hearing them nauseates me to the nth degree. There is something reptilian about them. As I began to respond to one aspect- and refer back to your written work, I would see another direction I wanted to discuss – and then another, and yet another- an this may seem (again) a little scattered. Currently, my state of mind is scattered for specific reasons, and I regret they reflect in my words- but as they say, “que sera, sera- dammit!”.
For now, I chose to stick to what I originally started to write and share, but could very easily start into other areas of discussion.

I hesitated to respond, because the editorial piece “We are the politicians”, is a piece that is making me face a very dark emotional period in my life. It is not a time I am proud of, and I decided to face it and acknowledge it’s existence in my life. It did lead to a turning point in my life.
I know this anger you feel,.. it is the same rabid anger that rose in me and took me to a place I did not know existed in me. A place where I hated the world, the people in it and everything and anything that crossed my path. I was sure the world was doomed, and that it was just a waste of time to even wake up and face another dreadful day. I hated people for bringing innocent babies to face and endure the hell we have created boxed in selfishness , wrapped in resentment and tied with a red ribbon of pain and suffering. This anger grew and caused me to alienate and isolate myself to such and incredible degree, I came close to dropping everything in a final display of disassociation and disappearing from the face of society to live as a hermit, undetected and free of the misery that the world has created for itself. In my mind people were either selfish cruel **stards or naïve goody-two-shoes that were clueless. I was angry that nobody cared about me, they did not respect me and people just took advantage of me. I prayed for death to take me out of here, to go home and leave this world. If I believed in suicide, it would have been over in a fraction of a second. That would have been too easy a way out.
The day I came close to pummeling someone because they chose not to see me when I tried to get by them, I felt and became very aware of the anger within me. Being at the edge of and act of violence and still feeling the pulsing rage through me, I started to cry as I made my way home, asking myself the whole way, “who have I become? I am not like this! How did I get to be this angry? This is not me!! I don’t know who I am any more! What has happened to me??” It forced me to look at myself, and I did not like what I saw- or who I had become. I was afraid of what I had become, because I had become the very thing I hated about this world. Depression has many faces and disguises.
It was a while of introspection and many, many nights of crying and facing the demons within,..and it was not easy.
I look back and I see that I was pulled in to the anger and fear that has a grip of the world in its current condition. Letting the anger take me was the same as joining the very cause I loathed. I remember a quote from M.Ghandi ;“ Be the change you wish to see in the world.”
I t reminded me of something I had read awhile back, based on eastern philosophy. It stated that if you try and change the world outside of you, you will only deplete your energy and get frustrated. If you work on changing yourself and creating what you want within you, the changes in you will affect those around you. It seems the key to changing the world lies literally within ourselves, and I tried it and found it to be true. People will resist someone telling them how to behave or act or live, but when you make changes it may slightly disturb the waters, the changes are subtle – but tolerable to others, people adjust and when they see it is not to bad. Of course the bigger the changes within you the bigger the upheaval or disturbance in the lives around you. Some will resist the change and then give in and adjust- others will drop out of your life.
My point is , anger can motivate to create change or it can feed the fear that breeds more anger and hatred with leads to a negative downward spiral.
I recently read a quote, in a psychology book, from such an unlikely source, yet the truth in the words had me stop to let it sink in. “Fear leads to Anger, anger to hatred, hatred to suffering”- Yoda. It serves as a reminder to check the source of my feelings of anger.
I am not proud of who I was at that time, but it is a part of what has spun and molded me and a dark streak on the canvas of my identity that adds beautiful contrast in the background.
I still get angry and frustrated, and sometimes I want to smack people up side the head, but I remember that night and I change my attitude or try to find humor in the situation. I don’t want to go there again.
there is alot i want to write- in regards to this article. I feel the fire.
Thank you for what you write,.. and share,.. they create sparks of reactions in my mind. Wow , I didn't think would write this much, and there is still more I wish to discuss.
Q
The words to the song by Switchfoot " A Beautiful letdown" stunnned me.
 Questamaya
Joined: 11/27/2006
Msg: 18 (view)
 
Inside
Posted: 7/31/2007 9:30:57 AM
I am curious as to whether either of these poems were during the period of your break up or during the most difficult time in dealing with you illness.
I woudl also like to suggest - if you are ok with it- or have anything you don't want to post- just email it to me.

What I express here may not be a new idea- and may just be rehashing what is out
there already- but as each person comes to integrate new (or old information as
the case may be) they bring a new perspective that can help others understand,
essentially making the old new again. If in my search to understand, I can help
bring understanding to another through my words, then I have brought ‘Home’ just
a little closer. This is simply a reflection, it does not feel finished because some words are not right, but i share it anyway. I rarely share my thoughts...anymore.
I take a breath and release ,...

In A Constant State of Displacement.
Since early childhood I remember feeling it. Even then, questions like "what am
I doing here?", " how do I belong" constantly surfaced as a result of
interaction with others. I was even an odd piece of my family puzzle. Even a lot
of the ‘normal’ experiences of any kid growing up were glaringly absent from my
life. Always in a state of unease.
It always seemed like I have been looking for a moment of rest from this
constant state of displacement, if for a moment to finally feel like I am not
swimming against the current, or existing in what feels like a different
vibration from my natural state.
The feeling like you have come home and you have reached sanctuary in warmth and
peace, a place you feel untouched by darkness, loved and free from the world-
and it's state of disconnect.
It is not for a lack of trying to connect, lord knows, that there have been many
attempts made.
I remember integrating at a young age the golden rule. Living and treating
others as you would like to be treated.
Though, I have to ask myself honestly- if I ever find this peaceful rest and
familiar comforting place, will I refuse to leave? Would that moment of Distract
me from doing whatever it is I am here to do? If this is the case, is it for
this reason I am not finding it?
I want to be home, more than anything, but if i went 'home' would I take that
opportunity to become agoraphobic? Maybe it s not in my best interest, for me ,
others or the purpose for which I AM here, to feel at home.
Maybe this state of displacement is so that we work to bring that memory and
feeling of home to this world and create it here for those who have forgotten
what Home is like. Are we beacons of light, reminders and holders of the light
of home from where we truly originate?

Some may call it a ‘romanticism” or ‘unrealistic idealism’- and they can call
it whatever they want- that is their own perception or view.
What do you call it when you KNOW without a doubt that what you seek is out
there. Even if the memory linked to the spirit is so faint, you can barely
remember the visual except for what the imagination can try to piece together
using the limited imagery strongly linked to this limited world?
Every cell in my body seems to sing and raise their vibration at the thought of
it- and brings the strong sense of yearning to be there again, to be Home. I
know, really KNOW with every cell and fiber of my being, it DOES
exist. Maybe it is stubbornness, but the steadfast, unwavering, diamond density
and clarity of The knowing I feel tells me it is something else. It is also damn
scary to feel this sure about something that there is no iota of doubt. * Sigh
, I rarely share that with anyone, because they don’t understand. I have
learned it doesn’t matter if everyone understands or not, because it is there
for me and me alone. A type of link ?
I have also considered the possibility that I have completely lost my mind- and
the fact that this thought itself has me laughing, may just prove that very
point. * giggle*
 Questamaya
Joined: 11/27/2006
Msg: 17 (view)
 
Inside
Posted: 7/31/2007 6:43:17 AM
I am in the process of writing down some thoughts on displacement- and will share it a little later. I hope it may help shed some light on why it may be as it is. In writing down my thoughts, a couple of my questions were answered, and even if it does not answer anything for you- (because I am aware it may not be in line with your way of thinking), in the very least I hope it brings a spark that helps you find your own answers.
I respect your right to answer any questions I have- as you see fit- and the same applies for you.
I also understand and respect the need to make room for only people of quality in your life.
until later- (i must get back to work)
Peace.
Q
 Questamaya
Joined: 11/27/2006
Msg: 27 (view)
 
summer salad recipes.....
Posted: 7/31/2007 3:39:09 AM
this is a carrot salad- it is refreshing especially on hot summer days. (and can be enjoyed as a dessert too.)
Summer Carrot Salad
* shredded carrot
* orange slices cut in pieces (or mandarin )
* orange juice (enough to keep carrots moist - 1/2 to 1 cup)
* apple diced
* optional - raisins
MIx together, keep cool, serve in small bowls.
 Questamaya
Joined: 11/27/2006
Msg: 14 (view)
 
Inside
Posted: 7/31/2007 2:00:48 AM
DO you feel like you're in ' a constant state of displacement'?
Q
 Questamaya
Joined: 11/27/2006
Msg: 13 (view)
 
Inside
Posted: 7/30/2007 6:57:58 PM
Forgive me for taking my time, but the impressions of a story sometimes reveal their treasures and insights to a person when the time is right.
The details in your description of the accident scene- Is very detailed and astounding. As in the piece “Inside” the description reveals that you have a dimension and ability of the imagination that is very developed and draws people in to feel and breathe your experience. I am not kidding when I said I said I held my breath- I had not realized to what degree I had held my breath until after 2 hours after reading “I’d like to say hello”, I realized my diaphragm was sore. Seriously.
I fear anything I say won’t do the work justice, and I know I am probably not catching all the facets and dimensions of your pieces.
I did want to address what you wrote after , in only in a small part.

"You can do your best: do all the right things, have all the right intentions, and in the end, still lose."

This is a quote I understand all too well. How many attempts have you made in your life to connect with people, only to have those attempts alienate and isolate you further than before.
As a result of my experiences I tend to stop and consider the intention behind the words or action of another that raises a feeling of anger or confusion in me.
I have had many a frustrating moments in my life where something I said or did was taken out of context and used against me. Even something innocent in nature that I did for someone born out of nothing but good intentions,.. resulted in something I can only describe as being blindsided by a sucker punch. Retaliation completely unexpected.

As for the people that pushed me away because they chose to misinterpret my intentions- I let them go. There is no use to hang on to a connection that has become stale or stagnant- and sometimes it is necessary to part ways, and for each person to learn in a different direction. Sometimes the life paths cross again in the future and offer an opportunity to rekindle a friendship now enriched with new perspectives and experiences. It allows for new appreciation.

I’m not sure if the opinions of others are in regards to the ‘you’ in the story or the ‘You” in real life- but either way, people tend to distance those that remind them of their short comings- especially when you live it strong and vivid and by example. Put a diamond next to a piece of glass that the sparkling difference makes the piece of glass feel its inadequacies magnified. I am sure you are well aware of this. This part I want to understand a little more clearly. I hope you don't mind if I ask you for more detail on this in the future.
To people that spend their lives avoiding discomfort and pain- compared to those who have lived through it and where pushed beyond their limits as a result. The inner strength and sense of individuality that develops as a result, probably scares some people. What they are scared of, they attack.
I did catch a small misspelling in "I'd like to say Hello", that was either subconscious or intentional (I suspect the latter)- but the fact It was done twice speaks of the isolation of that moment and the desire to not be alone in that very terrifying last Minutes.
Still absorbing ,,... not done yet..
Q
 Questamaya
Joined: 11/27/2006
Msg: 11 (view)
 
Inside
Posted: 7/30/2007 11:49:30 AM
I only had a short time on my lunch to read that last piece, and wrote a short note on the reaction and impact in that moment to what I read. Being at work does not give me much time to absorb the story properly.
I want to take the time to really let information of "I'd like to say hello" sink in before I read your last post completely. I like to take my time, and let spirit of the wrods sink in.
they are strong works. They should be savoured.
Q
 Questamaya
Joined: 11/27/2006
Msg: 9 (view)
 
Inside
Posted: 7/30/2007 9:28:35 AM
I held my breath reading this one- the imagery was way too vivid. Was this memory based in part on an actual experience?
It feels liek one of those moments when things seem to slow right down.. and the details jump out at you in vivid detail- for you to remember for the rest of your life; this is what it feel like you are describing here.
I held my breath. I feel like I have to make sure I start breathing again.
Q
 Questamaya
Joined: 11/27/2006
Msg: 7 (view)
 
Inside
Posted: 7/30/2007 4:21:03 AM
It is through your observations of that around you as well as within you, and the process of writing it all down that you learn most about yourself.
Do you do this in an attempt to connect to others the way you would like to have them connect to you? It is the incredible isolation one feels, that pushes us to connect on deeper levels of which most are unaware- and if only one sided. By connecting like that- you honor the person and their existence- because you see their true essence.
Not many people can do that.
Q
update- i look forward to readign this next one. There are phrases and images from the first two that pop into my mind during the day, and I find myself mulling over different aspects of what was expressed.
 Questamaya
Joined: 11/27/2006
Msg: 3 (view)
 
Hive Mind or a Herd Mentality?
Posted: 7/30/2007 2:06:54 AM
In society, it is easier to follow, be guided or molded than to forge and sculpt an identity that is something unique.
If we draw or color outside the lines- we are scolded and chastised and ridiculed since we are children, for being ourselves. We are shown to be afraid of something different instead of embrace and learn from it.
we are also drawn to create the comfort zone in our lives- and few venture out or challenge themselves beyond that zone.
Q
 Questamaya
Joined: 11/27/2006
Msg: 39 (view)
 
Italian-American 'Legacy' Foods
Posted: 7/29/2007 9:04:15 PM
yes, I do have an Easter Pie recipe around here somewhere. (I'll have to look for it.) In my family, there were always two types of Easter pies made, the one with meat, and the one grandma called a "grain pie". My grandma definitely did use a crust though...

are you referring to "Torta Pascualino" that contains spinach, onions, hard boiled eggs, parmesan etc, etc??
I quickly scanned the posts- so didn't catch if they fond the recpe or not.
if not let me know.
Q
 Questamaya
Joined: 11/27/2006
Msg: 4 (view)
 
Inside
Posted: 7/29/2007 8:36:29 PM
You SAW a glimpse of her soul and, with what you went through, you did connect.
No doubt. Thank you for sharing of that one.
Q
 Questamaya
Joined: 11/27/2006
Msg: 2 (view)
 
Inside
Posted: 7/29/2007 1:55:48 PM
I'd like to read more of your writings. Please share.
Q
 Questamaya
Joined: 11/27/2006
Msg: 36 (view)
 
bad habits re: grooming
Posted: 7/27/2007 9:38:05 PM
A booger wall??? Are you serious?


Yes, absolutely serious. I will never forget the look on my friends face when she told me that it covered the wall behind the sofa and spanned the length of the sofa.
Imagine entering the room when it is dark, searching for a light switch and running your hand along - what you think is a spackled wall. * eeeeeewwwwwwwwww*
Sorry for that mental image. Could it be a type of trophy wall?? saving money on Kleenex?
NO, no, no- im sorry,.. but there is NO possible explanation I can think of that would make a Booger wall acceptable. Needless to say, my friend DID NOT stick around very long.
Just hearing about it makes my skin crawl and gives me the shudders.
my apologies ladies- but it IS a true story.
Q
 Questamaya
Joined: 11/27/2006
Msg: 12 (view)
 
Accountability
Posted: 7/26/2007 4:39:13 PM
THANK YOU for this thread. I have been wondering the same thing.
People want anything and everything but are not will ing to consider the consequences or be willing to face the consequensces- what ever they may be.
I used to do that a long time ago- till i realized it only left me in a rut and a downward spiral. There was no growth or advancement.
I had the example of someone I know who does this (blames everyone else but them selves and their choices),.. and they have pushed everyone away and alienated themselves. I decided I did NOT want to be like that.
I think there are a few factors that create an unstable base on which acountability CAN NOT stand.
Denial- as the saying goes :Denail is NOT Just a river in Egypt.
Convenience- easiest route out leaves too many loose ends- and they don't have to do too much to work dealing with ' it' and take care of an issue once and for all and be done with it? Temporary solutions just create more work/problems in the future.
fear and cowardice- (as you mentioned) Fear of the truth? fear of judgement? fear of having someone see behind the mask they portray to the world?
can you think of any others to add?
Q
 Questamaya
Joined: 11/27/2006
Msg: 10 (view)
 
QuirkyAlone?
Posted: 7/26/2007 3:53:05 AM
It seems A Lot of people also miss the difference between being alone and being lonely. Being Alone has to do with the ability to be on your own and comfortable with it as well as needing and really enjoying your time alone.
Being Lonley has to do with feeling the need for companionship (to some it is a constant need). I have seen some people that can't bear to be with themselves- and always have to be accompanied.
It is nice to know others that understand the difference.
Cheers
Q
 Questamaya
Joined: 11/27/2006
Msg: 24 (view)
 
How big do you dream about a future relationship?
Posted: 7/25/2007 7:52:36 PM
For me, my dream partner is my best friend that shares the love, respect, trust, truth, understanding , communication and connection like with no other, as well as a desire to better ourselves, helping and encouraging each other to grow (as indiviaduals and as a team), and meet challenges and goals ( personal and mutual).
just to name a few things.
Once I we have this- The rest of the material things in life usually fall in to place.
I may be crazy, but I FEEL it exists and it this type of connection is out there for the precious few that seek it out.
Good luck to all of us on our quest to seek out our dreams or better than our dreams.
Q
 Questamaya
Joined: 11/27/2006
Msg: 6 (view)
 
QuirkyAlone?
Posted: 7/25/2007 7:25:17 PM
I'm a Gemini, but I do identify with much of what is mentioned in the article.
I think it has to do with being your own best friend, when all other connections fell through. Feeling Out of place is commonplace for me, but always sought by others for consolation, advice or just to be listened to.
Sometimes being surrounded by too many people confused and distracted me from the calm i felt when alone- and the clarity that sense of alone-ness brought me.
I would often laugh to myself, and ususally no one seemed understand my humor or wild imagination.


Secretly, we are romantics, romantics of the highest order. We want a miracle. Out of millions we have to find the one who will understand.

As a kid, I had a vivid sense that I knew what it was like to have the right 'fit' partner for me- and have that connection and understanding. I still have a sense of 'knowing' it exists- but just not having found it yet.
QuirkyAlone .
Q
 Questamaya
Joined: 11/27/2006
Msg: 18 (view)
 
bad habits re: grooming
Posted: 7/25/2007 5:22:06 PM
A friend of mine dated a guy for a bit- ,... until she discovered he had ,....
a REALLY DISGUSTING gross habit..... he had a snot wall- where he placed what ever gold nuggets he digged out- while watching tv.
**s h i v e r ** s h u d d e r ** dry heeeave***

forgive me, I always seem to react that way when I remember her telling me...
(yuck)
Q
 questamaya
Joined: 11/27/2006
Msg: 7 (view)
 
some guy calling every day
Posted: 7/25/2007 4:32:08 AM
there are people that have this image in their minds that the friendships or relationships are stronger than they actually are. He might be lonely and think she is his good friend and she only sees him a an acquaintance.
She has to put her foot down gently and tell him is is better if they talk once a week (or what ever is best ).
just a suggestion.
Q
 Questamaya
Joined: 11/27/2006
Msg: 210 (view)
 
Women put women where we are today!?
Posted: 7/25/2007 4:11:43 AM
I think Both sexes are responsible to a degree.

<div class="quote"> Women today want to be let on the same playing field with the Big Boys, but they don't want to have to play Hard Ball. ..
This is a very common thought put forth by men. Maybe its not that they want to be- but they had to play hard ball to survive and don’t like having to do so.

What caused the women to make this change? Could it be because their NEEDS were not being met? Could it be that what they need most is not being provided from the men ?
It is interesting that some women were pushed to a point where they said “ I’m tired of being played I want to PUT my life IN MY hands and be in control”.
A lot of women want to feel secure- and if the guys that surrounded them aren’t stepping up to the plate, the women have to create it themselves. A lot of women have adapted, and it seems the men are experiencing a little lag time to catch up. OR they are resist adapting to the changes.
So if women want to feel secure- why aren’t the guys providing a sense of security (Not just financial- but emotional, and for a future family). If a woman is going to invest time in raising children, chances are she wants a partner to do the same.

I think they still want to have the ‘feeling of safety and being protected’, but are very careful as to who it is they allow into their life. If they had to create a sense of security and safety for themselves, they are going to be careful so as not to let anyone destroy that- so they are more selective or ‘picky’ as to whom they let enter their life.
Are a lot of the men that are complaining about not belonging or fitting anywhere in a woman’s life- don’t see how they instigated the change or ‘evolution’ in the identity of these women, and refuse to evolve to adapt to what they affected to change.

When things begin to change, there is usually a time of ‘feeling lost and out of place’ involved . The women who first began to step up to the plate had to go through the same thing as they forged new territory into self reliance and independence would have definitely experienced that- as well as being chastised by society.
Now, these men that feel LOST, are finding that their old behaviors do not fit in many places in society, and they resist. Just step up and adapt.
Placing blame is fruitless.

It is the evolution of behavior right in our faces. Things have changed and will continue to do so. We all have to adapt to our circumstances if we want to survive. Survival of the fittest, is survival of the most adept to adapt. Think about it.
Q
 
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