this is me so please feel free to get to know me thru my story chat & forums.

Posted In Forum:

Home

MyForums

Show ALL Forums

Author

Thread: this is me so please feel free to get to know me thru my story

reallyrusty

Joined: 12/11/2004

Msg: 128 (view)

this is me so please feel free to get to know me thru my story Posted: 10/11/2005 9:48:37 AM
life shouldn't be so hard but it is and i try not to believe it will always be this way but that is a fight that is deep within my own mind and i some times feel like it is hopeless and some times i don't well i'm portland bound so i g2g take care all

reallyrusty

Joined: 12/11/2004

Msg: 126 (view)

this is me so please feel free to get to know me thru my story Posted: 10/10/2005 3:35:27 PM
i reread some of what i've made public and i'm not at all sure that i could write a book though i do know it should be something i could get out there on the internet or a talk show i know deep down i want to help others with stuff they have to deal with because i have over come so very much in such a short time and i like any one have a load of stuff yet to be dealt with and being open and helpful to others has in fact helped me alot and this forum is something that i can not stop doing if i did stop writing in this forum i would be a selfish little turd at least to some of you i think of course i can't read your minds but i'd be happy to bet some of you would miss this forum and then again i'd miss it as well because you have helped me a great deal and lord knows i still need lots of help so i will do my best to become the man i know i can be

reallyrusty

Joined: 12/11/2004

Msg: 125 (view)

this is me so please feel free to get to know me thru my story Posted: 10/10/2005 3:23:46 PM
i did something last night that most consider insane i sat and talked to myself for hours i didn't solve anything by doing so but i did come to the conclusion that the females in my family are messed up and i don't need them in my life nor do i want them in my life any longer except for my eldest sister who is always helping me when she is able but i use pride as a reason not to let her help me and will continue to do so , as for my mom and two younger sisters i've had all i'm going to take i'm sick of sticking myself in a situation where i help them and get crapped on in return i'm done and refuse to be there punching bag life will be what it is and i can't change what is to be but i sure can try right ? and that is what i am going to i'm going to try my hardest if i fail at least i tried to succeed so i will continue with my dark thoughts until they no longer play a part in my life may sound odd too you but i need to keep those thoughts fresh in my mind so i can use them to climb away from this dark life i have been dealt not sure if this makes any sense to you i do however hope you gleen something useful out of my ramblings as i know many of you read my forum becuase i have a story you can relate to in some way. there is one thing my mom did say to me that is all to true and that is i dance to the beat of a different drum and to be honest i'd change very little about that dance as you all know i can go on and on so i'm going to leave it right here

reallyrusty

Joined: 12/11/2004

Msg: 122 (view)

this is me so please feel free to get to know me thru my story Posted: 10/9/2005 7:06:30 PM
my love of life is not love any more but at least it's not yet hate but i am deeply moved that people care about what i've said on here i just have tried so hard to get a job that i can do but with my physical problems i have had no response from my job apps i do like i was taught and bug people about the job but to no avail i am a leopard who wants to change into a non caring **stard but i cannot become something i'm not and that leaves me angry because i'm still helping my family in any way i am able just to be treated like shit evry fing time i turn around for instance my sister is a lazy slob and i've been cleaning her apartment so she can move to portland and i am trying very hard not to lose it but both my sisters are here and both are pushing me to my limits i swore to my dad i'd never ever hit my sisters but i so badly want to jsut beat them until there is no way they can talk down to me any more but i keep that in check because i will not break my last promise to my dad but omg do i ever want too oh what tangled webs we weave huh just plain foolish to stick around here to help her for what abuse it really comes down to my fear of being on the streets i'm scared and i hate fear i don't want to be a worthless bum but i think that is my lot in life i hate myself my life and my family and intertained postal thoughts but they will remain just that (thoughts) never to be action besides regardless of how i feel i still believe in the bible and i will not be judge , juror or killer i am so wound up right now i have no idea what to do i have never felt this low in my life and believe me i've been way low my freind tells me i should be an author he sits here and watches me type while waiting to use the computer i don't get it ? i have written talk shows and haven't heard a single word from them i guess my life isn't rating worthy thats sad considering they have shows like springer i have a story that i really believe needs told in a big way not that there aren't people who's life is far worse than mine of course but i've been told there are very few people who can match my pain who haven't lost it in some way and i have lost it i think because for the first time in my life i don't know what to do and don't want to do it any way i used to pride myself on my inner strentgh but now i cry when alone because i don't have the will power to put energy into a plan of action except for now i have only you who read this and i feel foolish afraid and uncertain but i keep typing about this and that i used to be really good at anaylizing what i write and i only see dispair in my words i know there is something major wrong with my thoughts but i can't seem to fix it nor do i want to any more ok thats a lie flat out if i didn't want to fix myself i wouldn't be back on here where i at least know there are people who have grown fond of me and most likely would call me friend when my sisters go back to portland i will be on my own even though my sister teleste owes me a good sum of money she has no intention of repaying me nor does my mom and she owes me enough money to pay for an apartment well for a month or two any way but she is to busy going on road trips and buying fancy computers and other nice stuff to worry about some one who was there for her when her husband died i hope my dad is watching over us becuase i know he'd have words with my so called family god help me you know i need it well i feel a little better and even though i want to stay awy from this i can't because like all people i need to know people care about me and on here that is true and i thank you who knows maybe some day i will be sitting in an interview talking about my book then again i could be found dead on the streets kinda hope not that wouldn't be the best end i'd much rather die an old fart sleepin in his bed god only knows where i'll be so i will pray like i've never prayed i need all the strenght i can muster well i've rambled on way longer than i ever have before and i will be back i won't say i won't because it would be a lie any way huh bye for now and i love you all for you'r thoughts and caring

reallyrusty

Joined: 12/11/2004

Msg: 114 (view)

this is me so please feel free to get to know me thru my story Posted: 9/28/2005 12:19:24 PM
yeah she is but so are you , and those of you who care thanks i still aint gonna get up just to be knocked back down i'm passed that part of my life i am just going to play it by ear and try to find my nitch in life but i'm not going to open myself up for any more pain or failure which in fact will make me a bit callous but maybe my granddad was right ? hope not but if it works tehn i won't be plain old mister nice guy any more and be a little harder at least outwardly because it is far to true a lepoard can't change it's spots and i think i'm going to continue being a no body in a sea of people when i have to start sleeping on the streets next month i have looked and looked for work but to no avail and so history will now repeat it's self once again well i know this sounds bad but at this point the best i can hope for is to die in my sleep

reallyrusty

Joined: 12/11/2004

Msg: 112 (view)

this is me so please feel free to get to know me thru my story Posted: 9/26/2005 8:40:13 PM
i feel like i'm being torn in two different directions at one time , i just had a very long tear jerking conversation with my grandma she reminded me of something that i'd done when i was 3 years old and she told me i'd better log on here and continue sharing myself with you (ok sounds bad but not sure in any other way to write that last part) well any way i was 3 and there was this apple no one could reach (people 8 and over) i really wanted that apple and i was bound and determined to have it well i start climbing that tree and out comes my dad saying to get outta that damn tree before i fell out and my grandma tells me to get that apple because she just knew there wasn't any force on earth that could stop me when my mind was set on something (they didn't just call me superman because he was my hero lol)and i climbed out and got that apple then proceed to fall right out of that tree so yeah both were right it was a fall of about 12 feet and i landed hard but hadn't noticed that i'd spraned my ankle becuase i was so thrilled that i'd done something no one else could that i ran around yelling my fool head off that i'd gotten the apple and i look back and smile because until very recent i've never given up on anything but there has to be a time and place for one to know his limits and i've reached my limits i'm glad i've helped people on here i really am and maybe i'll write this as a journal from here on in and of course if i remember something worth telling then i'll let you all have a laugh or cry depending on the story but i make no promises because i really feel dark inside and i hate my life i look back at it now and wonder why i have always been a fighter to end up like i am now the fight wasn't worth it in hind sight i'd rather have died at birth like i should have but the is a reason i'm here and part of it is to write but what ? i mean i'm not educated enough to be taken serieus i've always overshot my own self worth i've been reaching for the starts and should have just reached for the street lites and now i can't even reach those and soon i'll be sleeping under them yet again and that pisses me off because my mom has a house that i should at the very least be allowed to sleep in the basement but of course that is just one of a list of reasons i hate my life and why i feel like it's pointless to try to achieve what is way out of my reach ther is of course you the reader and the memory of my dad that gives me any hope at all but i'm going to keep my goals simple and hope that a job is in my near future though with my problems i'm limited to what i'll be able to do that in it's self is something that pisses me off so bad i love working and earning money and there are people out there who could care less about work but could do a job twice the speed in which it would take me to hell with doubt i will climb out and i will shout out about it but until that day comes i'll try my very best to climb this evr growing climb well good night folks i'm going to contaplate my role in this life i have

reallyrusty

Joined: 12/11/2004

Msg: 108 (view)

this is me so please feel free to get to know me thru my story Posted: 9/21/2005 5:24:30 PM
i really do hope you all are well and that you all get what you'r looking for in life , i myslf don't much care anymore about writing so this will be my last time on here as i've been told i lack a great deal in writing and i just don't care any more to be shot down so i'm going to be a bum who works where and when i can which for me isn't going to be very often as physical work drags me down really fast and i'm not trained in anything that would net me some good money and yes i do feel a bit sorry for myself and were it not for the fact i fear being dead i'd as soon just walk in front of a truck but alas i'm too scared to do that which is ironic because i really hate my life and am tired of living it well god wasted his efforts when he created this worthless piece of shit thanks for nothing god my family are all doing well enough not middle class but are doing ok myself i can't get over stupid stuff and now really could care less because i now know the harder i try the harder i get knocked on my ass well guess what folks i'm not getting back up i will try very hard to find some enjoyement out of life but it will be in the mountains some where i have nothing to offer any one nothing which makes me a nothing maybe some mircle will happen and i'll have something worth living for other than that i'll hate this continued excistince

reallyrusty

Joined: 12/11/2004

Msg: 102 (view)

this is me so please feel free to get to know me thru my story Posted: 8/25/2005 6:37:20 PM
well i reread my first entry on this forum and it reminded me even though i should never need be reminded of that fact and that is that i survived overwhelming odds and if i can do that i will always be able to do anything and i will do great things not because i'm all that great but even i could do stuff that means something so , i do believe that this is a good sign or the calm before the storm well either way this life has been and will continue to be a ride

reallyrusty

Joined: 12/11/2004

Msg: 101 (view)

this is me so please feel free to get to know me thru my story Posted: 8/25/2005 6:31:48 PM
well either life is a cruel joke or very very ironic the reason i say this is because this guy emails me tells me that he's been looking for me about a huge sum of money that was left me i'm leery but so damned hopeful that it's real and not some really f.....d up joke becaus eit says god will not push one beyond there limits and this will prove my faith in god if it's real but if it's not real well folks all i can say it's been a pleasure getting to know some of you and i hope live is always bright and sunny

reallyrusty

Joined: 12/11/2004

Msg: 97 (view)

this is me so please feel free to get to know me thru my story Posted: 8/15/2005 5:04:35 PM
i feel bad that i worried some of you'll i just feel like things can not possibly get any worse i mean hell for a couple months i was on a hi that was far better than any drug i've ever done and now, well now i just feel so lousy and i'm in a slump of which i seem to slip further and further into and it's not right i mean i tell myself it will get better sooner or later but truth be told the only way it will get better for me is if i wasn't crippled up though my being crippled could be far worse but it is bad enough because after just a few hours work i hurt so bad it makes me cry and i hate crying not because it shows weakness but because it proves i'm in a pain in which there is no cure i hate the way i feel right now i enjoy smiling and laughing and i have no one to share in that part of my life being single is no fun but i really feel unworthy of any ladies love that is of course is something i've got to work on. i'm just feeling sorry for myself i guess ,but i'm lonely and feeling like my future is meant to be spent alone and i'm more tired of being alone than my own failure i need inspiration i guess i'm no loser but i am feeling lost thank you all for you'r kindness i'm a bum at least until i can plant my feet firmly on the ground and get some where with my life well i'm going now to do some real soul searching take care all and i hope it's all smiles and laughter with you

reallyrusty

Joined: 12/11/2004

Msg: 91 (view)

this is me so please feel free to get to know me thru my story Posted: 8/6/2005 8:34:43 PM
i really am very happy i've helped you in some way that makes me feel better though i'm not so sure i want to continue writting or much of anything really only because i can't seem to keep myself from getting knocked right back down the harder i try the more i seem to lose i'm not sure where life is going to take me but i do know that i'm sick of it it's rather hard to explain and it's not that i'd kill myself because that just isn't going to happen but i am stuck working very little and not able to get or keep a job is much more than i can deal with and i'm so darn tired of it not sure what changed in the last few weeks other than i just don't seem to be able to be positive about anything life is a cruel joke and until i can get something going like school and a job i'm nothing more than a bum and thats what i hate the most ..................................................

reallyrusty

Joined: 12/11/2004

Msg: 89 (view)

this is me so please feel free to get to know me thru my story Posted: 8/3/2005 11:56:07 AM
well i doubt i'll be on a computer for a very long time depending on whether or not i decide to stay in this god forsaken place nothing is going well for me and i so feel like just giving up i guess i'm tired of working hard just to find that it means nothing because evry single time i get back up and think to myself that it will get better some jack ass or some situation comes and knocks me right back down and to be honest i'm getting tired of getting back up so i think i may just go to a place were i can enjoy the beauty of nature and live off the land because i can't take very much more i enjoy life when i'm on here or when i'm working but since i've found out whats wrong with me (in part any way ) i'm not having any luck getting work and since i'm poor white trash no one seems to give a damn about some one like me (present company excluded of course) my book thing is coming along very nicely though i've sent in some chapters of my book i was told that it wasn't worth there time not in so many words of course but i got the message so i'm going to continue on the book and see if i can't get it up to snuff though i'm feeling like it may take awhile to get it on the shelves i know at least it will get there as far as making a living off of writing not so sure any more lol well i gotta go library computers blah blah blah

reallyrusty

Joined: 12/11/2004

Msg: 88 (view)

this is me so please feel free to get to know me thru my story Posted: 7/15/2005 3:52:30 PM
thats my problem i want to post my opinion on all subjects and so far it just doesn't seem to fit any one catagory lol . i have so many opinions lol and well i just feel like it would be an extension of getting to know who i am i think it any way lol and i feel kinda foolish with this forum because i don't really know what else to say about myself on here and i feel it's kinda lost it's scope ? or either that or i've bored myself , with myself lol so i guess i'll ponder this problem and see where it goes lol take care all for now

reallyrusty

Joined: 12/11/2004

Msg: 86 (view)

this is me so please feel free to get to know me thru my story Posted: 7/14/2005 5:41:32 PM
oh yeah i remember what i was going to say lol, i want to state my opinion on a new forum but i can't decide on which one i should start it from? (this is my way of asking for HELP) lol

reallyrusty

Joined: 12/11/2004

Msg: 85 (view)

this is me so please feel free to get to know me thru my story Posted: 7/14/2005 5:39:24 PM
(laughing at my self as i right this) my neon stupid sign is on because i can't remember how to start a new forum ??? some call it a brain fart i call it neon stupid lol a newage way of looking at life , i think any way lol bye for until my intellect comes back i think i'll just think or at least try too lol

reallyrusty

Joined: 12/11/2004

Msg: 83 (view)

this is me so please feel free to get to know me thru my story Posted: 7/11/2005 11:50:54 AM
aw shucks tahnx only hope it doesn't put you to sleep lol. Well after years of hicking all over the country and getting rides and such i decided to give back and pick up a hitch hiker and it didn't go well i had to go in to use a restroom and when i came back out she was still there and tells me that this guy is going to the same place she was so i was like ok have a safe trip i leave and about 40 miles down the road my back acts up so i go to get a pain pill and low and behold there gone i was so pissed off at this situation that i thought eveil thoughts about her and well i don't normally wish ill will towards any one but i was in pain and had no way to relieve myself from the pain but i doubt i'll lose anything over it because a few days later i had a really good person buy me a alternator for my van which was way cool considering i was getting tired of recharging my battery lol so good and bad will continue to happen to me but i hope more good than bad oh well life it's a real fun ride huh lol well take care talk at you all later

reallyrusty

Joined: 12/11/2004

Msg: 81 (view)

this is me so please feel free to get to know me thru my story Posted: 7/8/2005 8:36:32 AM
i've decided to put off my life story as a book because i had this really bizzare dream that would make for a great sci fi book and maybe even a movie lol look at me and my dreams of grandjure lol any way i think that odd dream is a really good book in the making lol and even if it doesn't get big notice at least there will be a book i've written oh i can't wait to see it in print lol well i've got to get to it take care all and enjoy oh before i go i had a great talk with my mom on the phone we enjoyed the conversation so at least i'm putting stuff behind me lol well bye for now

reallyrusty

Joined: 12/11/2004

Msg: 79 (view)

this is me so please feel free to get to know me thru my story Posted: 7/5/2005 11:52:28 AM
well i either have to laugh or cry my van is a test of my patience the list of things that need to be fixed just went up because i the great dorkist took a corner to sharp and concaved my drivers side door and ripped off my mirror oh well i refuse to let this upset me the one thing i am upset about is i lost my wallet in portland and the only reason i'm upset about that is because i lost my dads picture with my wallet of course losing my license is a also a pain in the butt oh well i will pull thru this because i've no other choice life will get better i'm sure it has to right ? i mean it's near as bad as it can get right now and i'm not breaking so the test must nearly be done and i'll be granted some peace of mind soon lol well i hope all is well at there with you all i just felt the need to ramble a bit so take care and bye for now

reallyrusty

Joined: 12/11/2004

Msg: 77 (view)

this is me so please feel free to get to know me thru my story Posted: 6/27/2005 11:27:58 AM
lol well as for going to my head i let nothing go there that i can't handle as i've got a rather large chrome dome to much time is spent thinking lol . i'm going to enjoy life regardless of what life may throw at me as for the book i hope i'll make enough off of it to at least be debt free once in my life lol. i was thinking about my gramps yesterday and i remember him always telling me to keep a stiff upper lip and never let life weigh you down and i've been kinda teeterin on depression because my life isn't what i want it to be but thats all good and find because some day i'll be where i can be of use to people who have been through what i've been through , just the other day i met a joung man who was abused by his uncle and he has a huge chip on his shoulder and i told him that if he'd listen to me for just 10 minutes i'd show him a different way of looking at life well he gave me the 10 minutes and i made him cry (he read my forum on here ) he had never took the time to be positive so he's done some foolish things he told me a few things i'd rather not have known but he did say he'd work on being productive and changing his out look on life so not that i'm clapping myself on the back but i do feel good that i helped some one who understands exactly what i've been through i hope i'll be given the chance to help more in the future and i'll be starting my book next month with the guidence of a local writer she told me that i have a great story and i told her that my story is anything but great it's hard hitting true and painful i will succeed because i have support from you and thats what i have needed i hope any one reading this who doesn't respond i hope that it either helps you or at least some one you know who has been through a very difficult time life mine . my life isn't so bad when i get right down to it and i smile every morning knowing i'll make the best of the day ahead , i'm no ones victim and i'll never be again i will enjoy life because like all of you it's our right to be happy so i hope every one out there is doing well and please regardless of the bad in you'r life try to enjoy it because it's not worth the effort of thought so take care and enjoy , until next time

reallyrusty

Joined: 12/11/2004

Msg: 74 (view)

this is me so please feel free to get to know me thru my story Posted: 6/25/2005 12:39:19 PM
well mari and john i had a friend who is going to pay for me to take some courses in collage and it is creative writting and all the courses i'll need to be a good writer like lol spelling , grammer and all that i really would like to write a book about my life not because i want the money i just want to reach people and help them and let them know they can over come anything i am still climbing that ladder and right now my arms are really tired and i'm just hanging on until i get my next wind i will succeed and i will overcome all this crap on my door step thanks to you john and sam i have been telling myself i can be successful at anything i do and i will and also when my book does finally reach the world the two of you will have to have a dedication in the book with out you'r kindness and support i doubt i'd be this much further from my past i've come leaps and bounds though i still get in a dark mood now and then but they don't last so long any more well my friendas i must go my new car needs oil and to my dismay it will cost me money in which i must go earn lol oh and just like me it doesn't go in reverse lol

reallyrusty

Joined: 12/11/2004

Msg: 70 (view)

this is me so please feel free to get to know me thru my story Posted: 6/18/2005 12:33:52 PM
p.s i do have some good news i have a car now so at least i can now drive myself crazy , lol

reallyrusty

Joined: 12/11/2004

Msg: 69 (view)

this is me so please feel free to get to know me thru my story Posted: 6/18/2005 12:32:14 PM
the following may emit pity but for pities sake don't pity me , i just need to vent some . my doctor has told me that i have an enzym in my system that is more than double of what it should be and i don't begin to understand it but it may very well be the root of my problem with cronic pain as i've suffered now for years and until now was told it was all in my head so my doctor puts me on light duty and there really is no light duty in laundry and i'm also limited to four hours a day at work so i have to quit because i firmally believe that if one can't do the job there hired for one shouldn't keep that job and that puts me in a huge bind because i was paying on a computer in layaway and paying off debts little by little well life is continuing to test me and i feel i'm going to fail this one because i'm not trained or educated past high school except of course some partial studies in collage so i find myself wondering why one must continue to suffer such unfair crap ? of course i know some day life will be better but at this point i see very little hope i live my life a certain way and part of the way i live my life is by treating every one with kindness and being the kind of man my dad always told me i could be i try hard not to dwell on the fact that there are people out there who have great lifes but are nasty and then i think about how i live my life and get angry at those same people because they have stuff i only dream about and yes i know i sound pretty bad right now and some time in the future i'll reread this and be upset with myself for being such a turd i just feel like i'm stuck and there is no way and no one to help me out of it the real problem is i'm having a stupid pity party for myself which doesn't help matters any so i do look forward to hearing the verbal slaps i so rightously deserve well i'm going to go sit on the beach and try to figure out what i'm going to do and how i'm going to do it i hope at least you the reader are doing well that will at least make me feel better well take care one and all and please forgive my bout of self pity

reallyrusty

Joined: 12/11/2004

Msg: 64 (view)

this is me so please feel free to get to know me thru my story Posted: 6/6/2005 11:54:43 AM
well not sure how this will make me look but it does bother me a great deal so here goes . i go out of my way to do right and be kind to every one and yet i find myself stuck with this stigma of having acusations thrown at me and that is being called a thieve see i hate thieves and i hate being called one a theif to me is no better than a pedofile both violate there victims i was punished once for taking money from my dads pockets when i was a small child and though i wasn't taking the change for any reason other than to hear the jangle of it in my pockets my dad sat me down and told me all the errors of thievery and the spanking aside i've never taken anything that wasn't mind to take well i feel better now at least a little lol i wonder why i am such an easy target ? i may be just to nice and if so after i get my teeth i may start biting , just kidding about the biting well take care every one and enjoy

reallyrusty

Joined: 12/11/2004

Msg: 62 (view)

this is me so please feel free to get to know me thru my story Posted: 5/23/2005 2:49:59 PM
i haven't very much time right now but i just wanted everyone to know i'm still alive and kickin lol just haven't had any time to get to the library but soon i'll have my own computer well ok in july but until then i'll be around if and when i can take care until then

reallyrusty

Joined: 12/11/2004

Msg: 60 (view)

this is me so please feel free to get to know me thru my story Posted: 4/28/2005 10:56:05 AM
the thing that changed my life was watching my dad become a man who any one would have been honored to call a friend i knew if he could do a 180 there was no reason on earth why i could not as well though i have alot of work to be the man he was i'll get there and tahnx to my dad i have gotten started at a younger age than he did though i have seen many things people around me have done and i myself haven't done them. i get on my own case about things like my last post i vented on here and to be honest if i was reading this and not knowing the person who posted it i'd be cureiuos about his/her state of mind of course that would bring me back to read more lol i just know i'll only be like a fine wine i'll get better with age lol . my oldest sister is more like my dad than any of his biological kids including myself she thinks more like him and acts more like him though if some guy claimed to be her father i laugh at the image but i'd bet $10.00 to a donut that she'd lay him out flat she is even tempered and great source of self calm for me light the light house in the fog lol so i hope i get my you all know aht together before she goes or i'll be a certified basket case lol of course i'm just kidding well in part any way lol . ok i maybe repeating myself her because i haven't looked at my posts and can't rememeber if i've posted this but here goes any way when i was very young and we took a camping trip we sat around the fire and my dad had asked if we wanted to hear a scary story well my sisters (the younger 2) said no laod enough to wake any animal around and i of course said i wanted to gear it same with my older brothers well i can't do it justice like he did so i'll just give you the jist of it he told us he was walking up the road with his great aunt and grandma and he heard a noise behind him and they all turned around and seen this hulking figure not 20 yards away and to there horror they were up wind so they got to smell the very unpleasant oder i think the oder scared my great grandma more than anything but any way to getr back on track here after he'd told his story he asked me if i was scared and i said in all honesty no i wasn't , he asked me why and i told him because every one knows bigfoot isn't real ok well i can tell you until that day i'd never been scared of my dad but the look in his eye told me that i'd just done something very bad because as he would have told you and i will tell you my dad if ever asked a question would never lie that is the only thing that remained with my dad thru out his life even when cheating on my mom he'd never lie about it so i guess i went 10 miles to try to explain a simple thing some day maybe i'll get better at getting a good message on here with out so much of my grandma in my writing lol she makes me look like a mute if you could imagion anything like that lol . well all take care and have a great day bye for now

reallyrusty

Joined: 12/11/2004

Msg: 58 (view)

this is me so please feel free to get to know me thru my story Posted: 4/26/2005 4:44:14 PM
well i figured out what part of my problem is lol and it's not being able to sit down at the computer when i have a clear idea of what i want to say though i am saving for a computer some bill or another comes along and needs to be paid and it's times like this that i find being an adult really blows chunks that inner child of mine is a true fighter he wants out to have fun and i can't let him out because i work so much and i think to myself if only well that line of thinking has been keeping me down for years now so i don't have this or have that i have alot more than alot of people i know and not being grateful for what i do have is just plain selfish and yes i'm venting a bit certain things that really piss me off shouldn't not sure why they shouldn't other than worring about jerk off snobs who have no idea what true suffering is like and i'm not saying there are alot of people like that because to be honest i only know one person who is like that but it bothers me alot only because i was eating at a resturant a table away from this guy who was ****ing because he only made 100k this year i could live on that kind of money for 10 years and he's upset about only making that kind of money sorry folks i have no other way of venting and my schedule is getting to me and that guy nearly caused me to blow a gasket i save 3 weeks so i could eat out at a nice place and other than listening to mr. money backs i enjoyed the meal or at least tried to ok i feel like a turd venting like that , i do tend to go on and on about virtually nothing and i only have about 15 minutes left so i'm going to cheer myself up and think and tell a story about my great aunt . my folks drove us to salem to visit some relatives we'd never met before and i was the only kid looking forward to it well the drive went rather fast like all drives do when one sleeps my dad shook me awake and said that we had arrived well i get out and see this huge house and i walk up to the door and just as i'm about to ring the door bell this scary woman opens the door and looks down at me and says oh you must be michael well that was 2 points against her already i hated and still rather dislike being called michael any how shesmiles at me and i feel all achward so i say the first thing that pops into my head and i tell her that i have 2.38 in my pocket and she smiles and says oh my you're rich and asks me if she could see such a fortune well i dig it all out of my pockets and she again says oh my you are rich i don't suppose i could borrow some ? and i tell her that she can have the little ones meaning the dimes of course well at the time i hadn't grasped the concept of nickels and such and my dad had to always tell me how much i had my great aunt though at first sight i thought very scary was by far one of the nicest people i'd ver met and to this day i'm glad i am her great nephew well i'm putting myself to sleep with so much writing and i still have to get to work i just hope my off days like this one will be further from each other bye for now hope all is well

reallyrusty

Joined: 12/11/2004

Msg: 55 (view)

this is me so please feel free to get to know me thru my story Posted: 4/24/2005 1:46:40 PM
you all want to know something ? well i'm going to tell you any way lol i find my present situation both aggravating and funny all at the same time you see i don't fancy myself a writer which i'm really not but thats ok because i'll get better if and this is the part i find funny i can only get over this blank i suffer every time i try to write about my life i just don't seem to know what else to put in here i've shared a great deal of my pain and a little of the stuff i find funny i just don't think i thought this thru as well as i should have because when i started this forum i figured there would be questions and alot of them and i also figured if i opened up my life to one and all i some one would have asked me how i would or did handle different situations not that i'm complaining cause i'm not i just had an image in my head and it's not holding up to my vision so no worries it's my problem and i'll get over it very soon in fact i just have to think about what else to write about i could tell you a thousand stories about my pets when i was growing up but the thought of that bores me some are funny but now that i think about it most of the things i was going to write about seem to be rather fuzzy so i guess i have some thinking to do and i may not post anything for some time because i've some family members i need to talk to and get some things right because i don't want to put anything in here that isn't true so i hope all is well with every one i'llbe stopping in here every now and again with short little quotes or something at any rate i'll keep pluggin away at this at least a little

reallyrusty

Joined: 12/11/2004

Msg: 53 (view)

this is me so please feel free to get to know me thru my story Posted: 4/20/2005 6:00:56 PM
Well i am not sure as to how much more i'll be putting on here as my schedule is rather more full than i'd like and i don't have a computer of my own and getting on here is getting harder and harder so i will only be on when ever i get a chance which is really random and i hate that but life isn't always as i'd like it so take care i hope to see you all soon

reallyrusty

Joined: 12/11/2004

Msg: 51 (view)

this is me so please feel free to get to know me thru my story Posted: 4/18/2005 9:43:54 PM
you're absolutely right and i will get back on track starting now thanx. when i was a pre-teen i had done some very stupid things like running a fence over with my dads car and punching out several windows in my parents home and lots and lots of fighting i thought i was the****of the walk i'd throw down with kids just for looking at me wrong and i unfortunatly delighted in fighting i foolishly thought fighting was the only way to gain respect from my peers (and truth be told it worked very well in estacada , goes to show how foolish we kids are ) well it wasn't the answer then or now , i wanted nothing more than every one to hate me as much as i hated myself and it worked very well (oh what tangled webs we weave huh) my childhood was as i made it , (wow i guess i do have a few minor regrets that i didn't realise i had) some things like my brothers using my head as a punching bag or my mom telling me that she wishes i'd have died at birth or my sisters telling the whole school that i wet the bed and the only one that effects me to this day and that is being told i was worthless or i couldn't do anything right that one still eats at me some times , one of the little pains i've suffered that i no longer give any thought to is being called stupid that was something i had heard so much and knew i wasn't but i gave up on trying to prove my intellectual side and let every one think i was stupid though (and not being self rightous here ) i am very intelligent for the most part any way lol . so much hateful stuff was said to me when i was very young i had come to believe most of it and let it effect me for many years , i didn't put any effort in my education i just simply didn't give a damn (i'd like very much to go back in time and give my self a really good talking too lol) i just proved every one right , well ok not every one there was a short list of my elders i didn't dare give any lip to and my great grandmother was at the head of that list i'll get into that area more but later (good god the stories she's shared with me lol ) i knew better than to sass my grandma when i was young she wasn't afraid to switch you when you damn well knew you deserved it lol and i did nothing to earn a switching from her she'd make us kids pick our own switch and dear god help ya if it didn't whistle my back side hurts just at the memory lol i learned faster than any of my sibs or cousins it took them a few times to get the idea (why you might ask ? lol i haven't yet figured out what the deal with them was other than they must have liked it i can't for life of me see how that could be lol, my dad, uncle marv, uncle bob and, my mom though with her it was only because of my dad and i very rarely ever sassed any of them only when i wasn't thinking survival was i foolish enough to get them upset lol , the funny thing is i did very little to get into trouble well at least as far as the law goes of course no one ever dared tell on any one else for fights except my sisters (and i'm glad they did tell on me and still erked that they blamed me for many of things i didn't do oh well i shoulda been nicer lol) ok i've covered far more than enough of what punishement was like for me lol. i'm so done with rambling and to be honest i'd much rather just delete this whole thing but i guess it's a part of what makes me who i am so i'm going to leave this on here even though i don't find myself liking the idea ,hmmm does arguing with one's self constitute insanity ?lol ( ) i am multi-faceted lol oh well i guess i'll leave you with some thing rather funny when i was around 6 or maybe 7 my mom took us kids out for a picnic or something well it turned bad because there was this really foolish person there and he threatened my mom well we all got in the car and took off and got home and my mom called the police (3 hrs later) they get to our house and go inside take every ones statement and then get to me this cop asks me a bunch of questions the only one i remember is the last one and that is if i had done anything to provoke that guy and i said no but i did tell the cop as we left i flipped the guy off like i'd seen my dad do when he was angry the cop chuckled and my mom gasped hell i didn't no any better lol well take care one and all see you all on the flip side

reallyrusty

Joined: 12/11/2004

Msg: 49 (view)

this is me so please feel free to get to know me thru my story Posted: 4/18/2005 12:59:47 PM
here's a prime example of just one of many of my problems , i can't seem to get away from the issue of dlet , you sir did effect me in you'r earlier posts and i should have been stronger and more objective in that i am at fault because i didn't handle the issue the best that i know i could have and so here is some advice when angry don't respond when you feel wronged i wasn't angry when i responded to you but i was hurt though at the time i didn't see it for what it was i could have handled ti far better than i did but that doesn't change the fact that i don't think you have any idea of what it's like to be me nor do i feel that you really read what i've wrote i'm no better than you are and you are no better than i , so post what ever you feel like just except peoples opinions even if you feel they are wrong. so far most of you enjoy this post and find strengh or comfort in what i write even though i have doubts about it's worth i will continue because to do otherwise would be a defeat to myself and i don't give up , ok i'm free of this issue now just needed to get it off my chest lol thanx again every one

reallyrusty

Joined: 12/11/2004

Msg: 48 (view)

this is me so please feel free to get to know me thru my story Posted: 4/18/2005 12:47:10 PM
thanx sam i will even when i doubt myself or think people like him are right i will continue this thread no matter how i may feel about myself lol i do have some low points and when there low they get really low but it don't last long because i can't allow self defeat lol it just takes a bit of time and effort so i'll see you all again soon

reallyrusty

Joined: 12/11/2004

Msg: 47 (view)

this is me so please feel free to get to know me thru my story Posted: 4/18/2005 12:40:46 PM
i know it takes all kinds i excepted that years ago as i've excepted life as it is and i'll continue to love life because i know it's worth all the good and even the bad , i hated myself for years because i thought i wasn't worth a damn i know that isn't true now , i still have things that need work and i will work on them the man who is offensive to others doesn't like himself so i try very hard to be kind to every one i look for the best in every one i do things a certain way and it may not always be the best way to do it but in the end i think it works it's self out . when i was young i tried to be something i wasn't and tried very hard to impress people i don't do that any more because it was a really foolish way to go about doing things so i am just going to be me i have faults just like every one at least i'm willing to see them for what they are and i work on them i'll never be perfect nor do i want to be there are a few people who will read what i write on here and they may not understand this because of my lack of skill or they just don't get it i do desire to be more clear on my thoughts but as i've said i'm very good at rambling but i think at least most people can see between my lines of rambling which is good lol. i was once told by a man that what i see thru my eyes is reality , very wise words in my opinion because i had said the same thing before i'd met him but i was having alot of issues about my self worth at the time and even though this man was different from the norm he was very intelligent he just had some very bad things happen to him that made it a real challenge to deal with lifes trials he lost something of himself but was still there enough to give me some very sage advice i call him friend even though most call him crazy . i maybe considered odd by some and thats ok becuase i know if you think you'r crazy then you most likely are not the main reason i'm going on like this is because dlet really did get to me and i don't hold anything back i do feel sorry for him because i think he needs to read on cause and effect and read peoples stories about abuse because i don't think he'd be so judgemental if he could grasp some of what i go thru every day to over come pain that will be with me every day of my life ok i think i've beaten my thoughts on this issue in the ground ,well folks i will see you all on another day . i hope i made sence self doubt is rearing it's ugly head so i'll leave for now so take care and i'll be back

reallyrusty

Joined: 12/11/2004

Msg: 45 (view)

this is me so please feel free to get to know me thru my story Posted: 4/18/2005 12:14:50 PM
dlet i only wanted you to see how i may have felt by you'r response and now you continue to show me that you are a very unpleasant person so be who you are because i don't care i only hope that if you have people in you'r life that you treat them better than you treat people on here good luck on you'r life i think you need it

reallyrusty

Joined: 12/11/2004

Msg: 39 (view)

this is me so please feel free to get to know me thru my story Posted: 4/15/2005 11:51:01 AM
i must say dlet the way in which you go about saying things is offensive and i really rather you did keep you'r mouth closed until you have learned how to give critizism so my spelling isn't the best nor is the way in which i word things as i've said before i am not the most skilled writer and as it's been pointed out i am sharing very painful stuff and you very nearly have come close to offending me but i realise not every one out there knows how to be nice and it shows in the way you have responded , you may be a real nice guy but if you talked to me in real life the way in which you have here i doubt you'd like me very much so please think before you respond in the future

reallyrusty

Joined: 12/11/2004

Msg: 31 (view)

this is me so please feel free to get to know me thru my story Posted: 4/13/2005 9:57:33 AM
well i do have many funny stories though some are rather gross one that is funny (tho my middle sis didn't and still don't find funny) one day after i'd learned what homosapien ment my sister was pushing my buttons and she tried very hard and i became very angry so instead of hitting her like i oh so wanted to i caledd her a homosapien . well i can tell you the look on her face was priceless she went screaming to our dad yelling about me calling her names well i figured i wanted to be in the room when she told dad what i'd said and went she told him what i called her well he tried very hard not to laugh but couldn't quit manage it and she started crying and my dad asked her what she thought it ment and she said she didn't know well my dad said ,honey you are a homosapien and she said i am? and dad said yes baby you are and looked over at me and said michael russell dorson i do not want you picking on you'r sister like that and i asked whether i should do it like i used to and he said not to so i got smart and said ok i'll just use words she knew and called her a turd it was worth the 3 day groundation because she got all upset and i learned that day i didn't need to hit her to releave my anger . the war of words between her and i was never a two sided battle she just never grasped the wit required to give me anything other than material for our next battle. the one that shouldn't be funny but is because he proved karma is real but the brother that sexually abused my sisters and myself well he wanted to roll down a hill in a box so we went with him we get to this hill and he gets in the box and a once in a life time event happened that day my sisters and myself worked as a team and pushed him down the side of the hill the best we could , my brother was on a roll at least until he came to a very stubborn rock which of course didn't give well we see him hit this rock and at first we stood there in awe and then ran like hell because he wasn't down and out he started moving towards the hill and we made a b-line for home i do believe we got home long before he was able to get up that hill when he did get home he made matters worse for himself by trying to punch me and dad seen him do it so he not only had to have his head shave and stitched up but got a weeks worth of my chores and his he never was the same after that still a great pain in my side but weary or so it seemed lol well the sexual abuse never happened again after that but he tormented my sisters and myself with renewed vigor but oh well no life is perfect lol well i'm being asked to get off the computer so some one else can use it but rest assured i'll be back (a side note ) that guy who put in his 2 cents is entitled to just that but since he isn't the one writing this i'll just let him say what he wants it's no skin off my back lol well every one take care and i'll be back later

reallyrusty

Joined: 12/11/2004

Msg: 29 (view)

this is me so please feel free to get to know me thru my story Posted: 4/12/2005 12:55:56 PM
(i just want to say i'm glad nothing perminent damage happened with that bow). well i'll say this much , i knew when i started this forum i wouldn't be well written and to be honest i only care about two things ,one is releasing the pain in which i've suffered because i was unable to let go of my past and two i hope to help others with my experiances i'm no better than any one else and writting has never and will never be my strongest attribute , if you all understand what i'm saying then that is good enough for me like i've said before i think my life is worthy of a book maybe even a lifetime movie lol well maybe not but i am some day going to write a book about my life some things about my past bring tears to my eyes some make me laugh so hard i nearly choke because it takes my breath away i have opened up on here at a level a great many couldn't do though i don't blame them because i am forcing myself to be open like i am it is easier now because i've already written alot but when i started i had too sit there and debate with myself i figured some people maybe callous or rude i haven't run into any of that and i'm prepaired should i at some point , i don't mind people pointing out where i've messed up as far as my writting goes but should they want to point it out i'd rather it wasn't so generalised if some one who reads this is an editor well then maybe that person would be willing to work with me ? lol i would like to be better at this than i am but i feel i'm doing a fine job . i know my spelling needs work as do a great deal of others so i'm not worried there either lol . lets see ? hmm i did want to tell you all about what it was like having two brothers as different as day and nite well ok they both abused myself and my sisters except one sexually abused us and the other was phyiscally and mentally abusive so i guess my one brother had this warped idea to out do the other my oldest brother never sexually abused us and i believe had he known it was happing he would have beat my other brother to pulp it's not funny as in ha ha but i think back at my childhood and wonder why i used to put so much effort in trying to impress my brothers ? haven't yet figured that one out yet so maybe you all have an idea as to why ? i do know why i uded to beat on my sisters and i'll never feel more shame than being a bully to them. my sisters tell people they had it so very hard well they did and that can't be changed but when they say they had it harder than i did well then it just comes down to pity in which they continue to seek in action and word they of course don't see it that way and i know they are every bit as aware as i am and i know they can overcome there past they are my sisters and in that i feel they will stop the self pity routine i myself refuse pity i was just like they are now nearly 10 years ago i am hoping they will read this they know where and how to find my forum they do have some really awesome traits my brothers are both growing up still as i myself am i doubt all 6 of us could co-exist longer than a few days together except my eldest sister she and i get along very well my youngest sister i have nothing to do with because i'm both unable and unwilling to forgive her trustpasses against me and so you know , she told people i was a pedofile and a thief my middle sister once accused me of raping her and i was asked to take a lie detector test and for a few months i refused i thought if people thought i was something i wasn't a lie detector wasn't going to change there minds but in the end i did take that test and passed it and i used that as a reason to beat the tar out of people who thought i was guilty it took me almost 10 years to forgive her that , later the same year i took the test,she wrote a letter to a friend of hers and said in the letter how she thought it was funny that she had done me harm i forgave her in the end because in truth she i believe deserved the right to put me thru hell i did make it a game to beat the crap out of both my younger sisters my youngest sister however i don't think i'll ever be able to forgive her the damage she has done because she and i had become friends at one point but she like a few others have used my own believes against me so she treated me badly and tried to get me to hit her i did come close more than a few times i so badly wanted to just beat her senseless months of abusive treatment pushed me to the edge so i did throw water and juice in her face a few times and thru it all i continued to help her not for her of course but for my niece and nephew . well today i decided to vent some real strong anger issuies , i've been long winded today and did my useal rambling lol well thanks for reading this i maybe back later if time permits because i have some other stuff to say except it won't be written to relieve anger but to make you laugh and smile so until then take care

reallyrusty

Joined: 12/11/2004

Msg: 23 (view)

this is me so please feel free to get to know me thru my story Posted: 4/11/2005 12:11:33 PM
i am growing fond of this writing about my life ever since i started this forum i have found and am still finding an inner peace i haven't had in years and to be honest i'm loving it , iam shocked though because i've revealed stuff on here that i've never been able to tell any one except my dad it scares me to think of how many people may judge me for my past but if they do chose to do that well then thats up to them i guess i'll always have insecurities about myself worth ,i'm not sure if the lady that i find myself interested in will read this and to be honest i'm not sure i want her to guess you can chalk it up to a huge ball of fear i'm rambling again but to tell the truth i've come to except that as one minor little flaw lol i'm going to tell you all some funny stories that have happened to me starting with the one that nearly killed me , i was around 4 maybe 5 and i was on a green machine ( a trike with 2 wheels in front and 1 in back) well we lived on a mountain and i just watched evil conievel do a really cool stunt so i decided to ride my trike down the road very steep road at that well about a 1/2 mile or so it split in 2 different directions and i went right off the middle of that intersection which was a very steep slope and i hit a tree which saved my bacon , had i not hit that tree i'd have gone off the cliff behind that tree well i can tell you i wasn't scared and didn't even cry that is until i tried dragging my green machine up that slope half way up my dad shows up looks down and askes me if i was hurt and i cried up saying no but i can't get my trike up the hill well he chuckled not that i could hear him but i slid down the slope and helped me up and i asked what most likey could be considered the dumbiest thing i've ever asked but i wanted to do it again and yes you can say i had no sense of danger i did stuff like that all the time and i think i was to young at the time to have a death wish but i sure did put myself in harms way alot i used to jump from tree to tree very foolish when you think about it but what do kids know lol the funniest thing that ever happened to me was whne my parents took us to a wildlife reserve they had these monkeys in a cage and there was a sign so i was reading the sign and came to the word feces so look over at my dad and ask him what the word was and as i look back at the word i was awarded a huge pile of feces in my face i'll tell you i found nothing funny about then but have hurt myself with laughter a few times telling that story after that i lost my interest in knowing what stuff ment lol at least for awhile ayway lol . of course my life like every ones has ups and downs and i sure do enjoy the ups and learn from the downs well the rambling king is tired of rambling for now so take care and more soon to come

reallyrusty

Joined: 12/11/2004

Msg: 21 (view)

this is me so please feel free to get to know me thru my story Posted: 4/9/2005 1:44:18 PM
thanx and of course i enjoy life far too much to let my woes weigh me down that much i live loud and proud as my dad used to say lol i don't have a great deal of time today but i wanted to share something that as odd as it may seem is my greatest pain that i live with and that is being alone i am 33 and don't have any children to ask me all those silly questions kids seem to be fond of asking their parents ,funny thru all the things that have caused me pain the one that hurts the most is the one i brought on myself at least in part i'm pretty sure if i'd had a good childhood things would be different now but i don't blame any one other than my self i covered the abuse thing the other day and this goings along the same lines because i didn't do to others what had been done to me i was stronger for it tho i am weak if i weren't i wouldn't have pushed people away which in the end left me by my self so in the past i was always guarded i wouldn't let any one close i figured if i kept people away i couldn't be hurt any more and i without even understanding wjat i was doing i hurt myself i guess i'm rambling on about this because i watched big daddy last nite i wish i hadn't lol oh well any way it brought to lite a few of my insecurities and well i guess i had to try to express myself tho i didn't do it as well as i'd like to have but i think you the reader may understand what i'm getting at ? well take care and i'm going to go ponder what i've just written

reallyrusty

Joined: 12/11/2004

Msg: 19 (view)

this is me so please feel free to get to know me thru my story Posted: 4/8/2005 4:08:07 PM
i'd like to start by thanking you john and mari sam , and i very much enjoyed the poem . this installement if you will , will show some anger but also resolve so i hope you won't think ill of me when i go where i'm going to with this but it is how i feel though i don't and won't act on the feelings i'll be sharing but it is a part of me and i really want people to really get to know me whether i like that part of me even if i don't like the part of me i'm sharing it is me and though i do put alot of effort into being a better person there are some rather deep feelings that i still have yet to work on at any rate here goes . i have covered pedofiles some and my own past of being a victim but i didn't really share just how much i want to be able to hate pedofiles the sinner part of me wants to wipe the earth clean of each and every one of them and i would do just that if at all possible (thank god it isn't) but the part of me who wants to be christ like stays that dark and hateful side of myself in a corner of my being this may very well be narrow minded of me but i feel that if i was able to keep myself from harming others in the way i was harmed then i don't see why others couldn't keep from doing it because to be honest i used to do all sorts of harm to others except the one that i find to be the worst, sexual abuse is treated litely by law makers and if it wasn't i know i wouldn't have such a hard time dealing with it but it's like they get slapped on the hand then released from prison to do it all again not every sexual preditor repeats the offense but most do and for that i think it is really messed up people like me have these scars that will remain with us all our lifes regardless of how deep they run they are still there with us. my scars are very deep though not as many nor as deep as they were 5 years ago but ther going to remain for the remainder of my life i just feel 5 years isn't evn close enough to the time i think they should spend in prison this may sound odd to you and obevisally i'm not a vitim of murder but i think murder is kind compaired to sexual abuse yet some one who takes a life spends up to 25 years in prison and the only people who suffer the crime are second hand victims i know how bad this sounds i've thought alot about it but if i'd been given the chose of being sexually abused or murdered i'd have chosen murdered the second hand pain i caused others because of my anger will always be there and i've just barely started to forgive my self of the physical and mental abuse i caused others and i've talked about these feelings with my dad and my mom though there happy i'm alive they at least understand why i feel the way i do about it see my mom was sexually abused by her step father and she has never really gotten over it and never will she has become very bitter and neve tried to use the negitive feelings that we share in any way other than anger and hate i do love my mom and know at some level she cares about me but at the same time she hates us kids because she has this misguided rage towards us for my fathers misdeeds it's long and very complicated and i don't fully understand how or why she feels the way she does i just hope some day she will be able to understand what i've come to know and that is of course i didn't deserve or ask for the abuse, see she still thinks along those lines because of the years of abuse at the hands of my dad as you can see i do tend to go on about some things longer than i need to but i know you'll forgive me my ramblings and get the idea of what i'm doing lol , i've such a long road to go in my growing up but i have made progress and will continue to do so until the day god says ok my son it's time to come home i should have forewarned you all that my level of mentallity is like the tide some days i'm as mature as they come some days i just can't seem to act any older than a 16 year old i have decided that it is a side effect of my past and i just go with the flow lol though right now i feel like i'm about 26 i guess you could say my different levels of mentallity is like duel personalities lol though the is of course that one true constint my awareness of right and wrong and my morale standing and i really have grown to like myself because i know i'm a good person who has problems it's when you know that you have problems they seem less like problems than minor faults so i'll continue to work out the bugs in my chacter make up (a life long battle) lol any way enough rambling for this day . ok i lied lol for those of you who haven't responded and don't feel comfortable to respond on this forum please email me on here and tell me what you think i'd like to know if you hate me , like me or what ever the response and if you choose not to respond thats all fine and good but if you do read this and don't relate but think it might help some one you know let them know what i'm doing here so i may be of some help to them ok ? i guess you could say i enjoy being critised lol well take care and i hope i didn't ramble so badly today that i lost you in the understanding of what i wrote

reallyrusty

Joined: 12/11/2004

Msg: 1267 (view)

strong feelings about abortion? would you take this bet? Posted: 4/6/2005 12:00:28 PM
Quitjohn2 maybe you should read the bible to say god doesn't care is not something you should say if you believe that then i feel sorry for you as for abortion i am a two sided coin i believe god forgives and if i knew my wife girfriend or any woman who was in danger because having the baby and it was detected very very early on that she and the baby would both end up dead then i'd pray to god to forgive me but i would agree to abortion other than that i don't agree with it i do however understand why a woman would abort a child created from rape but still disagree with it because that child given his/her god given right to life maybe the person who cures child diabetes or cancer or something else and yes that child may just be a dredge on sociaty but who will know if that child is murdered ? as a victim of abuse i guess i have a way of looking at things like that child for what ever reason didn't ask to be created and i covered some of this before but if you sleep with a guy and you get pregant it's as much you'r fault as much as the guy so no matter what i say you'll just think the way you think but think about how you'd feel being shreaded to pieces because that baby certainly does know what it feels like

reallyrusty

Joined: 12/11/2004

Msg: 16 (view)

this is me so please feel free to get to know me thru my story Posted: 4/6/2005 11:34:41 AM
thanx sam i think that i'll continue to learn until the day i die i'll continue to grow my past is just that my past i'm not proud of some of it nor am i ashamed of most of it i've made some really huge mistakes and treated some people very badly then again i'm accused of being kind to a fault i will never be perfect and would never choose to be but i'll never be so weak as hurt any one in the way i've been hurt some out there are not so strong and for them i hope they find that inner peace and strentgh to keep them from making a mistake they will have to live with i don't have much time today so i need to keep this short but will continue to share myself with you the reader

reallyrusty

Joined: 12/11/2004

Msg: 133 (view)

it's all about the looks Posted: 4/6/2005 11:29:31 AM
i think as a whole most people are sheep we all have believed what we are told believe ,made to believe what is beautiful have a desire to change our looks be a ken or barbie of course there are people out there very few indeed but all the same people who have broken away from the so called standard of what we deem as desireable i find inner beauty far more appealing than visual and i know i'm not alone in that way of thinking but for the most part we are stuck in a way of thinking it will never change because people want to be led and if you don't believe that then just look at politics of course thats another topic all together lol any way just think about it i know as a guy who isn't visually appealing to the masses of females out there what right do i have to say anything huh lol well i know what good looking is and it's not now nor never will be what lies only skin deep

reallyrusty

Joined: 12/11/2004

Msg: 14 (view)

this is me so please feel free to get to know me thru my story Posted: 4/5/2005 12:55:58 PM
i tend to have a narrow minded view on some things and rather enjoy a good debate and when i'm wrong i am happy to be corrected though i may act a bit stiff for a little while. i am happy to not be perfect and i was asked if i could change the past what one thing would i change well i would change the fact that my dad broke his back twice , you ask why not change the abuse i went thru good question well the fact is the abuse didn't and won't kill me in the long run but my dad breaking his back was the main reason he died of all the things i've been thru my dads passing is and will always be the hardiest thing i've ever been thru i cried for 3 hours just sat there and cried and he used to tell me biys don't cry and i told him as if he was there to **** himself because the tears would not stop and just writing about my dad brings tears to my eyes is still so very hard to think about i do however find it odd that i can totally be vulcan in my thinking about my abuse i still can't not cry about my dad i do some times wonder if my head is on right death is certain but abuse should not be a part of life but it is as much as death oh well some day i'll get it together i do enjoy life and living and just seem to muttle thru with not a great deal of direction tho i am getting things done i've put off for years like education and a drivers license i will if nothing else make my dad proud and prove that i can do anything i set my mind to doing well i'll not ramble any longer today but will be back

reallyrusty

Joined: 12/11/2004

Msg: 121 (view)

it's all about the looks Posted: 4/4/2005 5:26:14 PM
there are differing oppinions on whats healthy and a growing number of doctors are saying that being barbie doll skinny is unhealthy while being of course obiese is as unhealthy of course i think it more unhealthy to be obiese and i am the happy median i am neither fat nor skinny and am very healthy it's in my opinion that the barbie doll type is what most find attractive it's foolish to think that way and alot of woman suffer because they feel them selves needing to get plastic surgery which is case in point pamala lee i find her to be so very unattractive even with her wealth should she be head over heels for me i'd be polite but wouldn't be interested she is so plastice i could most likely make a doll out of her and yes to be fare a growing male population is doing the same thing look at ole****clark though when i was younger i had a poster of pam when she was real and looked very hot to what i thought was important so be skinny as a pole i care not because i don't have to be the one to worry about the health problems it may or may not cause

reallyrusty

Joined: 12/11/2004

Msg: 12 (view)

this is me so please feel free to get to know me thru my story Posted: 4/4/2005 5:16:35 PM
thank you mari i hope that i can continue with this though i'll soon run out of stories of my past because until i find some one who can help me write a book at an indepth level of my life this will just be breif moments and random at that because i will jump back and forth between past and present though i'll give this my best effort because of people like you who read it

reallyrusty

Joined: 12/11/2004

Msg: 118 (view)

it's all about the looks Posted: 4/4/2005 2:15:03 PM
sassyrea i feel so bad for you with such misguided words if i weighed 100 pounds i'd be nothing but skin and bones and at 195 pounds i have very little fat of course i'm 5'9 inches tall and have alot of muscle 100 pounds for most people is anything but healthy so i hope what you said was a typo if not a typo i hope you read about weight and what truelly is healthy

reallyrusty

Joined: 12/11/2004

Msg: 10 (view)

this is me so please feel free to get to know me thru my story Posted: 4/4/2005 2:01:21 PM
for four years i sexually abused by my brother and the odd part is i forgave him and moved on though i doubt he deserved forgiviness i gave it to him my dad abused me for a lot longer than that though not sexual abuse it was emotional, verbal and mental abuse and it was all second hand but please don't hate him because he made amends with us kids and my mom , you see to me he died twice the s.o.b he once was and the man who i'd have done almost anything for he was my best friend and he suffered far more the last 10 years of his life than i hope ever to have to go through you really can't say you've suffered until you go through what he did , this coming from soem one who was abused from the time he was 2 or 3 until 17 thats along time to suffer so i think i have the right to that statement i was the kind of little prck who enjoyed scaring and hurting people and i did it very well i was border line evil and at my very lowest point (which brought me closer to the guy who i am now) i thought about making others go through the very same kind of pain that hurt me the most and that was sexual abuse of course thru fate and the grace of god i didn't go there and in retospect if i had of i know i wouldn't be here now because i'd of either killed myself or some one else would have done it matter of fact i don't pity any pedofiles and believe that if they do such a thing they deserve what they get a far as i'm concerned it makes me very angry that in most cases a pedofile will get a slap on the hand verses a murderer who gets 20 years where there victim or victims don't have to suffer where no matter what i do i will have scars that will continue to effect me my whole life some one who has never been abused most likely to think my reasoning warped but to them go out get abused like i've been thru then you'll understand why i think the way i do of course i don't wish my life on any one. in my teen years i made alot of progress in becoming the man who i've become today though i had tremendous trouble i over came those obsticles the likes of which i still had to deal with others who found misguided comfort at making my life hell the teasing and picking on me continued until i was about 17 by then i did some thing i'd never thought to do passive aggression though it got me into trouble it let others know i wanted to be left alone at the same time letting them know i'd leave them alone if left alone kids thought better of targeting me though on occasion i'd have to bloody a nose or fatten a lip or two for the most part i used my mind and put my energy to better uses i did have counselers and alot of them as i'd always start a session by asking whether or not they'd ever been thru anything like what i'd been thru and when they said no i'd end the session by then stating that we had nothing further to talk about that went on for about a year until i met a woman who had been abused though it does differ between woman and men she did have a clear idea as too what abuse was like she is the main reason i'm both sane and not in an institute some where well ok i am a bit crazy lol or not if i state i am then maybe i'm not lol (my warped sense of humor) i do find comfort in the fact that my past only invades my dreams and very seldom ever effects me while awake i do however feel that if i thought i could bury a pedofile with out ever being caught i'd do it and those are the extent of my unhealthy thoughts , for that i'm glad because it isn't my right to be judge . some of the things that i feel to this day aren't helpful or healthy but i put all of that into creating stuff of art like wood working thats my love that and photography i enjoy my freedom and i spend time thinking of how lucky i am to be where i am today i did use drugs as an escape but all that did was retard most of my talents and messed up my body i'll continue to make mistakes until the day i die but i'll never make the big ones the likes of which that would hurt any one in any way i'm going on and on and right now i am beginning the first signs of ramblin lol so i'll end it here and i hope you the reader will ask me questions and the harder the better as i love and look for challenge so sock it to me lol

reallyrusty

Joined: 12/11/2004

Msg: 9 (view)

this is me so please feel free to get to know me thru my story Posted: 4/4/2005 1:18:34 PM
i want to write more but i find it hard to do at times and i to be honest used the lact of response as a reason to discontinue my writing but you'r right there maybe some one out there who is reading this that can and does help them so i will continue i guess i'm just a lil scared at the level at which i've opened myself up on here so i will continue thanx for the vote of convidence

reallyrusty

Joined: 12/11/2004

Msg: 215 (view)

why do looks have to be so much of deciding factor in womans choices? Posted: 4/4/2005 1:13:42 PM
then you should do some checking not that i'll continue to blame woman any longer because men are just as guilty about what we want in woman as woman are in men in the past few months i've grown up alot in the way i see things i have had great pleasure in meeting some really good and nice people even i don't make a love connection i know i've made some really good friends i was even told i was a good looking guy but to be honest i know it was a polite lie though i know i'm not ugly nor any where near it in fact but i deserve to be happy and i will whether single or if i find a true love connection you people who are beautiful inside and out thanx for being honest those of you who look good on the outside but lack on the inside i hope you find a better way to look at life and for those of us who don't look great on the outside but have a great inside just be happy knowing we don't need some one who looks good but is good and those of you who don't look good on the outside and look as bad on the inside or even worse you'r going down a very lonely road well i think i've done covered every one i really do hope every one who reads this knows that all i want for you all is happiness we all have problems, issiues and doubts but it's when you see it and know its there that it becomes easier to fix so lets all make life fun and rid our selves of those negitives that make it hard to deal with life just remember give the next guy/girl who asks you out at least a few minutes to talk with you , you may very well enjoy there company as a friend if nothing else

reallyrusty

Joined: 12/11/2004

Msg: 7 (view)

this is me so please feel free to get to know me thru my story Posted: 4/2/2005 12:23:06 AM
i know what happens when u assume but i'm doing it any way it just seems like only a couple people thought it important to respond and seeing there is so very little interest i'll just wait to do this until after i finish my writing course in collage hopefully by then i can do my life justice and give some one who knows what my life is like some strentgh of course i need to work on my spelling and typing lol

Show ALL Forums