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kipohm1

Joined: 12/2/2006

Msg: 1 (view)

Where has it gone? [CLOSED Thread] Posted: 10/27/2009 2:56:53 PM
Is there any chance of instant messaging returning. I really miss it. It was great. A real icebreaker.

kipohm1

Joined: 12/2/2006

Msg: 22 (view)

the best michael jackson joke Posted: 7/7/2009 5:31:53 PM
MJ is not going to be buried or cremated but recycled into plastic shopping bags so that he can remain white, plastic and dangerous for kids to play with.

kipohm1

Joined: 12/2/2006

Msg: 1 (view)

Confused Posted: 12/3/2008 6:02:28 PM
Okay, ignore my previous thread I have just scrolled through and seen all the other people who are confused by some people may have viewed you about 8 months ago etc. So in reality I will just ignore the top line as it's useless.

kipohm1

Joined: 12/2/2006

Msg: 1 (view)

Been Viewed Posted: 12/3/2008 4:55:32 PM
Why can we not just have the last person to view you without when they last logged in etc. Just in order of the last person.

kipohm1

Joined: 12/2/2006

Msg: 1 (view)

More Logical Than Adam's Rib Posted: 11/17/2008 5:36:35 PM
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. "So, how is everything going?" inquired God. "It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights and sounds, everything is wonderful, but I have one problem. It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain." And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as here limbs, eyes, ears, etc, she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced'. "That's a fair point," replied God, "but it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away." And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes. Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden. "Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?" "Just fantastic," she replied, "but for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone." God thought for a moment and said, "You know Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you ...... now let's see .... where did I put that useless tit?" Now doesn't THAT make more sense than all that crap about the rib???

Kipohm1

Joined: 12/2/2006

Msg: 4 (view)

Little Johny Jokes. Everyone can add if you would like. Posted: 10/29/2008 5:05:14 PM
Presidential candidate, with the initials BO was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked BO if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'. So our illustrious BO asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'. One little boy stood up and offered: ""If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy." "No," said BO, "that would be an accident." A little girl raised her hand" "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explained BO, "that's what we would call a great loss." The room went silent. No other children volunteered. BO searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said "If the plane carrying you and Mrs Obama was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy!" "Fantastic!" exclaimed BO. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?" "Well, says Johnny, "it has to be a tragedy, cos it certainly wouldn't be a great loss ... and it probably wouldn't be an accident!"

Kipohm1

Joined: 12/2/2006

Msg: 1 (view)

Why Trick or Treating is Better Than Sex Posted: 10/14/2008 7:01:29 PM
10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack 9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again 8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some! 7) You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some 6) It's OK when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are 5) Twenty years from now you'll still enjoy candy 4) If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door 3) It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning 2) Less guilt the morning after. AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX ........... 1) You can do the whole neighbourhood!

kipohm1

Joined: 12/2/2006

Msg: 1 (view)

On The Front Porch Posted: 9/24/2008 7:02:07 PM
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One lady turns to the other and says "Do you still get horny?" The other replies, "Oh, sure I do!" The first old lady asks "So, what do you do about it?" The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver". After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"

kipohm1

Joined: 12/2/2006

Msg: 157 (view)

What is it with 50+ women and wanting to stay single??? Posted: 9/24/2008 5:28:12 PM
I myself will stay single, would love a special man in my life though, I just found that when people say the success of marriage is to give and take, in my case I found that I did all the giving and had to take all the verbal abuse and everything else that was thrown at me - will never got through all that again. I'm sure that's not the give and take that is meant, but that is what I got.

kipohm1

Joined: 12/2/2006

Msg: 1 (view)

What Kind of Panties to Wear on a Plane Posted: 9/22/2008 6:15:25 PM
There were three black ladies getting ready to take a plane trip for the first time. The first lady said - "I don't know bout y'al, but I'm gonna wear me sum hot pink panties befo' I gets on dat plane". "Why you gonna wear dem for?" the other two asked. The first lady replied "Cos, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dere laying butt-up in a cornfield, dey gonna find me first." The second lady said "Well, I'm a-gonna wear me some floeesant orange panties." "Why you gonna wear dem?" the others asked. The second lady answered "Cos, if dis here plane is goin' down and I be floatin butt-up in the oshun, dey gonna see me first!" The third lady says "Well, I'm not gonna wear any panties!" "What? No panties?" the others asked in disbelief. "Dat's right girlfriends, you hears me right. I ain't wearing any panties! Cos if dis plane goes down, honey, dey always look for da black box first!"

kipohm1

Joined: 12/2/2006

Msg: 1 (view)

Old Maid Virgin Sisters Posted: 9/21/2008 11:54:13 PM
It's Friday night and Gladys looks at Betty and says ... "I'm not going to die a virgin ... I'm going out and I'm not coming home 'til I've been laid!!" Betty says, "Well, make sure you're home by 10 so I won't worry!" 10 o'clock rolls around and there's no sign of Gladys ... 11 o'clock ... 12 o'clock Finally about 15 after 1 the front door flies open, in runs Gladys ... straight to the bathroom. Betty goes and knocks on the door. "Are you okay, Gladys?" No answer, so she opens the door and there sits Gladys with her panties around her ankles, legs spread and her head stuck between her legs looking at herself. "What is it, Gladys? What's wrong for goodness sake?" "Betty, it was 10 inches long when it went in .. and 5 when it came out. And when I find the other half you're gonna have the time of your life!!"

kipohm1

Joined: 12/2/2006

Msg: 1 (view)

The Blonde Wife Posted: 9/18/2008 10:02:13 PM
A man had sunbathed in the nude and ended up burning his penis. His doctor tells him that to ease the pain if he dipped it in a saucer of cold milk that should help. Later his blonde wife comes home and finds him with his****in a saucer of cold milk. "Heavens," she remarks, "I always wondered how you re-loaded those things!"

kipohm1

Joined: 12/2/2006

Msg: 1 (view)

A Little Too Well Endowed Posted: 9/17/2008 11:52:23 PM
A guy goes to see the doctor, because he's been a little too well endowed, shall we say. In fact, it's 25 inches long. Can't get any women to have sex with him. No men either, one would think. Anyway, the doctors says there's nothing he can do medically, but sends him to see a witchdoctor that he thinks may be able to help. Witchdoctor takes a look at the problem (yikes!) and tells him to go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a frog that lives there. "Ask the frog to marry you and each time the frog says no, you'll be 5 inches shorter!" Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest, as anyone in this sort of joke would. Finds the pond and sees the frog on the other side, sitting on a log. "Will you marry me?" he calls to the frog. Frog looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, "No!" Guy looks down, sure enough, he's 5 inches shorter. Hey, this is great, he thinks - let's try that again. "Will you marry me?" he asks the frog. Frog rolls his eyes and shouts back again, "No!" Twitch - the guy's down to 15 inches. Well that's still a bit excessive, he thinks. Down another 5 would be perfect. So he calls across again, "Will you marry me?" Frog yells back ... "Look - how many times do I have to tell you? No! No! No!"

kipohm1

Joined: 12/2/2006

Msg: 1 (view)

The Pope and The Chauffeur Posted: 9/16/2008 9:46:18 PM
After getting all of the Pope's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the kerb. "Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "would you please take your seat so we can leave". "Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican and I'd really like to drive today." "I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that, I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never showed up for work that morning. "There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope. Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver qickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph. 'Please slow down, Your Holiness !!!!! " pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my licence", moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. 'I need to talk to the Chief", he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets onthe radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five. "So bust him," says the Chief. "I don't think we want to do that, he's really important." The Chief exclaimed "All the more reason". "No, I mean REALLY important", said the cop. The Chief then asked "Who ya got there, the Mayor?" Cop: "Bigger". Chief: "Governor?" Cop: "Bigger!" "Well," said the Chief "Who is it?" Cop: "I think it's God!" Chief: "What makes you think it's God?" Cop: "He's got the f**king Pope as a chauffeur!"

kipohm1

Joined: 12/2/2006

Msg: 1 (view)

The New Prostate Examination Posted: 9/15/2008 11:05:51 PM
A man goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the urologist is a very pretty female doctor. The female doctor says "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say 99!" The guy obeys and says 99! The doctor says "Great. Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say 99. Again, the guy does it all and says 99! The doctor said "Very good. Now thyen, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis. Now take a deep breath and say again - 99!" The guy begins ...... One ..... Two .......Three

kipohm1

Joined: 12/2/2006

Msg: 1 (view)

The Very Expensive Handbag Posted: 9/15/2008 10:54:42 PM
The customer in the handbag shop said to the sales assistant "How on earth can such a tiny little handbag cost 200 pounds?" The sales assistant replied "Well, modom, that handbag is made of men's foreskins, it may be tiny but if you lick it, it turns into a suitcase!"

kipohm1

Joined: 12/2/2006

Msg: 1 (view)

The Scottish Wedding Posted: 9/11/2008 6:19:54 PM
Two guys are speaking about the up-coming wedding of one of them .... First guy says "It'll no be long noo then ..." Second guys says "Nay, it wull not, it's a week oan Saturday". First guy asks "Wull ye be wearing the kilt then?" Second guy answers "Aye - the whole shabang". First guy asks "Whit's the tartan?" Second guy replies "Och, I'd imagine she'll be in white!"

kipohm1

Joined: 12/2/2006

Msg: 1 (view)

Department of Enployment and Pensions Posted: 9/11/2008 5:36:47 PM
A man owned a small farm in Aberdeenshire. The Dept. of Employment and Pensions claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out to interview him. "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the rep. "Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him 200 pounds a week, plus free room and board. The cook/housekeeper has been her for 18 months, and I pay her 150 pounds per week plus free room and board. Then there's the half wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. Hew makes about 10 pounds per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally." "That's the guy I want to talk to .. the half wit," says the agent. "That would be me," replied the farmer.

kipohm1

Joined: 12/2/2006

Msg: 1 (view)

The 90 Year Old's Brothel Trip Posted: 9/10/2008 7:14:08 PM
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is. "I'm 90 years old," he says. "90!" replies the woman "Don't you realize you've had it?" "Oh sorry," says the old man - "How much do I owe you?"

kipohm1

Joined: 12/2/2006

Msg: 1 (view)

A Mother-in-Law Joke Posted: 9/10/2008 7:07:23 PM
A young lady comes home from a date, rather sad. Her mother asks, "What's the matter, Honey?" "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago". "Then why are you so sad?" "Because he's an atheist, Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell!" "Marry him anyway dear. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is!"

Kipohm1

Joined: 12/2/2006

Msg: 1 (view)

Paddy's 999 Call Posted: 9/9/2008 7:54:19 PM
Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car. PADDY - "Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and ears and I tink both his legs are broken". OPERATOR - "What is your location sir?" PADDY - "Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street". OPERATOR - "How do you spell that sir?" Silence After a minute: - OPERATOR - "Are you there sir?" Silence. A minute later:- OPERATOR - "Sir, can you hear me?" Silence This goes on for another few minutes until:- OPERATOR - Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me?" PADDY - " Yes, sorry bout dat. I just dragged him round to number 3 Oak Street".

Kipohm1

Joined: 12/2/2006

Msg: 1 (view)

There's no Pleasing Us! Posted: 9/9/2008 6:15:07 PM
A farmer stopped by the local mechanic's shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. he then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home. While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked "Can you tell me how to get to Mockingbird Lane?" The farmer said "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to there, I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot". The old lady suggested "Why don't yhou put the can of paint in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Why, thank you very much", he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. "On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time". The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt and have your wicked way with me?" The farmer said "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" The old lady replied "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket and I'll hold the chickens!"

Kipohm1

Joined: 12/2/2006

Msg: 1 (view)

The War Is over Posted: 9/8/2008 7:08:45 PM
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Montecassino went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said "Father, .. during World War 2, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic". The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! And you have no need to confess that". "There is more to tell Father. She started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a week and sometimes twice on Sundays". The priest said "By doing that, you placed yourselves in great danger. However, two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven". "Thank you Father, that's a great load off my mind, but I do have one more question". "And what is that, my son?" "Should I tell her the war is over?"

Kipohm1

Joined: 12/2/2006

Msg: 1 (view)

What Religion is Your Bra? Posted: 9/8/2008 5:55:55 PM
A man walked into the Ladies' department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife". "What type of bra?" asked the clerk. "Type?" inquires the man. "There's more than one type?" "Look around", said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour and material imaginable. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from". Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?" Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them. The Saleslady responded. "It is all really quite simple ..... The Catholic type supports the masses; The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen; The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright; and the Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills!"

Kipohm1

Joined: 12/2/2006

Msg: 1 (view)

Hootie and the Toilet Brush Posted: 8/21/2008 11:03:16 PM
One day when Hootie and Joe Bill were inthe Lebanon Wal-Mart, they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They each bought five tickets at a dollar a pop. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize. Joe Bill won 1st place - a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra long spaghetti. Hootie won 6th prize - a toilet brush. About a week or so had passed when the men met back at Wal-Mart. Hootie asked Joe Bill how he liked his prize, to which Joe Bill replied "Great, I love spaghetti!" Joe Bill asked Hootie "How 'bout you, how's the toilet brush?" "Not so good", replied Hootie, "I reckon I'm gonna switch back to paper!"

kipohm1

Joined: 12/2/2006

Msg: 1 (view)

Leather Bodice, black Stockings and Underwear Posted: 4/28/2008 7:47:08 PM
Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men. That night all three would wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes. After a few days they meet up for lunch. The engaged woman: "The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me in a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said "You are the woman of my life. I love You". Then we made love all night long". The mistress: "Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night". The married woman: "I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night. When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said "What's for dinner, Batman?"

kipohm1

Joined: 12/2/2006

Msg: 1 (view)

The humble Thermos Flask Posted: 4/17/2008 8:31:09 PM
A blonde was at an office party and won a door prize. This was a thermos flask. "What's it for?" she asked a colleague. "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," was the reply. "Oh, okay". The very next day she walks into work with her new thermos. Her boss (also a blonde) asks what she has there. "It's a thermos flask!" "Oh, what's it used for?" "It keeps hot things hot and cool things cool." "Interesting, what do you have in it?" I've got two cups of coffee and a popsicle!"

kipohm1

Joined: 12/2/2006

Msg: 1 (view)

Little Ol Ladies in Car Lot Posted: 4/15/2008 3:53:30 PM
It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds. As he was checking the used car lot he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car. He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it? "Heavens no - we bought it!" "Then why don't you drive it away?" "We can't drive." "Then why did you buy it?" "We were told that if we bought a used car here we'd get screwed - so we're just waiting!"

kipohm1

Joined: 12/2/2006

Msg: 1 (view)

Desperate for a Day Off Posted: 4/13/2008 6:59:59 AM
I urgently needed a few days off work but I knew the boss would not allow me to take any time off, so I thought maybe if I acted crazy then he would tell me to take a few days off. So, I hung upside down from the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker asked me what I was doing. I told her I was a light bulb so the boss might think I was crazy and really needed some time off. A few minutes later the boss came in and said "What in the name of God are you doing?" I told him I was a light bulb. He said "Okay, I can see you are clearly stressed out - go home and recuperate for a few days. I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker (a blond) followed me the boss said "And where do you think you're going?" She said "I'm going home too - I can't work in the dark!"

kipohm1

Joined: 12/2/2006

Msg: 1 (view)

What A Bet! Posted: 3/22/2008 5:05:34 PM
A Cajun walks into a bar with a pet Aligator by his side. He puts the aligator up on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this aligator's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the aligator will close his mouth for one minute. Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectable - each of you will buy me a drink!" The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers and placed his Johnson and related parts in the gator's mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gased. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and whacked the gator on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed, as promised. The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll give anyone $100 who is willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while a hand went up at the back of the bar. A blonde woman timidly spoke up .......... I"ll try it. Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle."

kipohm1

Joined: 12/2/2006

Msg: 1 (view)

Git-Er-Done Posted: 3/18/2008 3:13:57 PM
The National Poetry contest had come down to two semi-finalists ... a Yale Graduate and a Red Neck from Texas. They were given a word, then allowed 2 minutes to study and come up with a poem that contained that certain word. The word they were given was 'Timbuktu' First to recite his poem was the Yale Graduate. He steped up to the microphone and recited ..... Slowly across the sand Trekked a lonely Caravan Men on Camels - two by two Destination - Timbuktu The crowd went crazy! No way could the Red Neck top that, they thought. The Red Neck calmly made his way to the microphone and said ..... Me an Tim a'huntin went Met 3 whores in a Pop-up tent They was three an we was two So I bucked one an Timbuktu" The Red Neck Won!

kipohm1

Joined: 12/2/2006

Msg: 1 (view)

If Men Wrote Cosmopolitan Posted: 2/11/2008 7:13:48 PM
If Men Wrote Cosmopolitan Q My husband wants to experience a threesome in bed with my sister and me A Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing - your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior. Q How do I know if I am ready for sex? A As your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not confused emotionally as women. It's a proven fact. Q Should I have sex on the first date? A YES. If possible - before! Q What exactly happens during the act of sex? A Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway. Q How long should the sex act last? A There is no average time, but anything over two minutes is good. Anything under that and you may be rushing your man. After your man has finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, and go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol and sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out - while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready. Q What is "after play?" A After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. "After play" is simply a list of important activities for you to do after the lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift. Q Does the size of the penis matter? A Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about 3 inches. Anything long than that is extremely rare and, if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank your lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and buying him an expensive gift.

kipohm1

Joined: 12/2/2006

Msg: 6 (view)

Home Depot SCAM - Be Careful Posted: 2/10/2008 8:55:45 PM
Hey lighten up - it's a JOKE !!

kipohm1

Joined: 12/2/2006

Msg: 1 (view)

The Man Who Knew Everyone Posted: 2/10/2008 7:43:10 PM
Dave ..... was bragging to his boss one day. "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them". Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff "OK Dave, how about Tom Cruise?" "No dramas boss. Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it". So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and Tom Cruise shouts " Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in and have a beer". Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, No, just name anyone else" Dave says. "President Bush" his boss quickly retorts. "Yup" Dave says "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington". And off they go to the White House. Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over saying "Dave, what a nice surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up". Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope", his boss replies. "Sure!" says Dave "I've known the Pope for years" So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St Peter's Square when Dave says "this will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope". He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican. Sure enough, half ah hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him "What happened?" His boss looks up and says "It was the final straw ... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said .... "Who the f..k is that on the balcony with Dave?"

kipohm1

Joined: 12/2/2006

Msg: 3 (view)

Blonde At The Doctors Posted: 2/6/2008 1:34:36 PM
Thanks for that, weird how different places have different names for these "things"

kipohm1

Joined: 12/2/2006

Msg: 1 (view)

Blonde At The Doctors Posted: 2/6/2008 4:30:23 AM
A blonde goes to see her GP and comes back out to the waiting room where her husband is waiting for her. He notes that she looks very embarrassed and when he asks she tells him "Dr Patel says I have a lovely fanny". The husband flies into the doctor's room and grabs him by the throat saying "What are you saying about my wife's fanny?" Dr Patel splutters "I told her she has acute angina!".

kipohm1

Joined: 12/2/2006

Msg: 1 (view)

Instructions for the Shower Posted: 2/5/2008 9:07:04 PM
How A Woman Takes a Shower * Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks Walk to the bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/lifts etc. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. * Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with real passionfruit * Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red * Wash entire rest of body with gingernut and jaffa cake body wash * Rinse conditioner off hair * Shave armpits and legs * Turn off shower * Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower * Spray mould spots with Exit Mould * Get out of shower and stand on bath mat * Dry with towl the size of a small country * Wrap hair in super absorbent towel * Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head * If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas How A Man Showers: * Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile * Walk naked to the bathroom * If you see wife along th way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound * Look at your manly physique in the mirror * Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass * Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. * Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. * Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds inthe shower * Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area * Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap * Wash your hair. Make a shampoo mohawk * Pee * Rinse off and get out of shower. Avoid bathmat. * Dry off forearms and butt only * Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time * Admire wiener size in mirror again. Shake it to watch water fly off. * Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on * Return to bedroom with towel around waist. * If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again * Throw wet towel on bed. If there is anyone among you who does not laugh at the truth behind this, there is something very wrong. 'woo-woo'

kipohm1

Joined: 12/2/2006

Msg: 1 (view)

The Newly Weds Posted: 2/5/2008 4:18:34 PM
A newly wed couple arrive home after the honeymoon. AFter the first day at work the new hubby comes home and announces he is going to the local tavern for a few beers. New bride says "Honey, just look in the fridge, I bought you beer at the store today". Hubby says "that's nice Babycakes, but they have snacks and stuff there!!" Bride says "yes, but I also bought you chicken wings, beernuts, pretzels and nuts". Hubby says "but darling, at the bar they got cussing and my biddies!!" She says " Oh, you want cussing, OK *hole, LISTEN UP!! YOU ARE IN MARRIED NOW!! I AM YOUR IN BUDDIE!! NOW SIT DOWN DRINK YOUR IN BEER, EAT YOUR IN SNACKS AND SHUT THE UP!! YOUR SORRY ASS IS GOING NOWHERE!! GET IT *hole?" Now is there anything else you'd like sweetie?"

kipohm1

Joined: 12/2/2006

Msg: 1 (view)

Bra Sizes Explained Posted: 2/5/2008 2:21:43 PM
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G and H are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have and couldn't figure it out - here it is! A - Almost boobs B - Barely there C - Can't complain D - Dang! DD - Double Dang! E - Enormous F - Fake G - Get a Reduction H - Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up

kipohm1

Joined: 12/2/2006

Msg: 104 (view)

Best Signs.... Posted: 2/5/2008 1:34:24 AM
Was out in a boat in Norway on the river, came round a bend and a very large sign said F A R T - means slow in Norwegian apparently

kipohm1

Joined: 12/2/2006

Msg: 1 (view)

Stuttering - Little Johnny Posted: 2/4/2008 8:47:32 PM
Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class, and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this. Johnny's hand soots up "Not correct, Miss!" he says. "Please explain Johnny", replies the teacher. "Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the veranda. The neighbours' Great Dane came around the corner and my cat went 'fffffffffffff 'fffffffffffffff 'fffffffffff and before he could say "F..ck off" the dog ate him!"

kipohm1

Joined: 12/2/2006

Msg: 1 (view)

A Kiss On The Cheek Posted: 2/4/2008 1:41:24 AM
A married couple were in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from and requested that the doctor also honour their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty. One day, she was alone with her husband and was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said "Darling, I can't thank you enough for everything you've done for me. How can I possibly repay you?" "My darling" he said, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek!"

kipohm1

Joined: 12/2/2006

Msg: 1 (view)

The Cork Posted: 2/3/2008 9:40:47 PM
Two men are in a locker room taking a shower after their work-out, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his butt. "If you don't mind my saying so" said the second man, "that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why don't you take it out?" "I regret I can't" lamented the first. "It is permanently stuck in my butt". "I don't understand" said the other man. The first man says "Well, I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a genie came out. She said "I am here to grant you one wish". And I said NO SHIT".

kipohm1

Joined: 12/2/2006

Msg: 1 (view)

The Twins' Birthdays Posted: 2/3/2008 9:37:27 PM
Twin sisters in St Luke's Nursing Home were turning one hundred years old. The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the two old dears. One of the twins was very hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well. Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa. The dear sister said to her twin "WHAT DID HE SAY?" 'WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA", said the other. "Now get a little closer together", said the photographer. Again 'WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE", so they wiggled up close to each other. "Just hold for a big longer, I've got to focus a little" said the photographer. Yet again 'WHAT DID HE SAY?" HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS?" With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out 'OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US?"

kipohm1

Joined: 12/2/2006

Msg: 18 (view)

Mr.right rejection form letter Posted: 2/2/2008 7:06:11 PM
Really really good

kipohm1

Joined: 12/2/2006

Msg: 1 (view)

One For the Ladies - Sorry Guys Posted: 2/2/2008 4:37:22 PM
MEN ARE LIKE:- lAXATIVES they irritate the crap out of you BANANAS the older they get, the less firm they are WEATHER Nothing can be dome to change them BLENDERS You need one - but you're not quite sure why CHOCOLATE BARS Sweet, smooth and they invariably head straight for your hips COMMERCIALS You can't believe a word they say DEPT. STORES Their clothes are always half off GOVT. BONDS They take sooooooooooo long to mature MASCARA They usually run at the first sign of emotion POPCORN They satisfy you - but only for a little while SNOWSTORMS You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get - or how long it will last LAVA LAMPS Fun to look at but not very bright PARKING SPOTS All the good ones are taken - the rest are (not taken) LAWNMOWERS If you're not pushing one around then you're riding it BANK MACHINES Once they withdraw they lose interest COFFEE The best ones are rich, warm and can keep you up all night long I apologise men _ I didn't make it up

kipohm1

Joined: 12/2/2006

Msg: 1 (view)

Tit for Tat Posted: 2/2/2008 1:52:28 AM
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The salesgirl notices him and asks if she can help. He answers that he's looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the appropriate aisle. A few minutes later he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. The salesgirl - very confused - says "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife". He answers "You see, it's like this, yesterday I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigaretts and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers, so I figure if I have to roll my own . . . . . so does she!"

kipohm1

Joined: 12/2/2006

Msg: 1 (view)

This Great New Drink! Posted: 2/1/2008 10:50:45 PM
A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they're sitting there having a good time together, she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets and starts trying to get her boyfriend to try it. After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following items on the bar. A salt shaker, a shot of Baileys and a shot of Lime Juice. The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains - "first you put a bit of salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth - and finally you drink the lime juice" So, the boyfriend trying it to please her, goes for it. He puts the salt on his tongue ...salty - but okay, he drinks the shot of Baileys ... smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks this is okay. Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it .... at one second the lime taste hits at two seconds the Baileys curdles at three seconds the salty curdled taste and mucous-like consistency hits at four seconds it feels as if he has a mouthful of nasty snot This triggers a gag reflex, but being manly and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the foul-tasting concoction. When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend and says "Jesus, what do you call that drink?" She smiles innocently at him and says "Blowjob Revenge".

kipohm1

Joined: 12/2/2006

Msg: 1 (view)

HUSBAND'S PASSWORD Posted: 1/31/2008 3:33:27 PM
A woman was helping her husband set up his new computer and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on. The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in P E N I S His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied PASSWORD REJECTED - NOT LONG ENOUGH

kipohm1

Joined: 12/2/2006

Msg: 1 (view)

THE NUDIST BEACH Posted: 1/30/2008 2:26:12 PM
A mother and father take their 6 year old son to a nudist beach for the first time. As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mom's, so he goes back to ask her why. She tells him "the bigger they are the sillier the lady is". The boy, happy with this answer, goes to play in the sea but returns a bit later to tell his mom that many ofthe men have larger willies than his dad does. She replies "the bigger they are, the dumber the man is". Again, satisfied with her answer, the boy goes off to play. A short time later the boy returns and promptly tells his mother ... "Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets".

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