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leanco

Joined: 12/7/2006

Msg: 17 (view)

Are you sure your ready for a relationship again? Posted: 11/18/2009 12:41:37 PM
Unfortunately, many lack the inner strengths to face the loneliness and their damaged self-esteem to properly heal themselves after a breakup. It's far easier to try to "get over someone by getting under someone else", even though that's very shortsighted. Also, I think sometimes breakups are viewed as failures, and people with overinflated ego just cannot let go of being rejected. They inadvertently drag out the drama for years and poison every relationship that comes after. Yeah, may be they should make "relationship - dos and don'ts" a regular high school curriculum. It might just help people build healthy and long-lasting relationships.

leanco

Joined: 12/7/2006

Msg: 20 (view)

Dumped/Back together advice ??? Posted: 11/18/2009 12:15:44 AM
Questions 1. Should a guy go back into a relationship after being dumped? 2. Is it valid to say that people tend to fall into there old habits. Breakup/cheat/get back together. 3. Once the trust is gone in a relationship, is it gone forever? 4. Is it possible to take a year or more to fall in love with someone? 1. No, a second go-around seldom works out. If you don't like the risk of hurt on the first go-around, the hurt you'll get if and when you fail the second time will be so much worse. Second chance in life is rare, and it's better that way. Failures are lessons in life, so learn everything you can and move on, and hope that you can get it right the next time - with someone else. 2. Yes, because people won't change their habits unless they can see the benefits of change, and want those benefits bad enough to put in the efforts to make it happen. So yeah, people do tend to fall back into old habits. 3. No, it's not gone forever. Trust can be rebuilt, but it can only happen slowly, and both of you have to work at it. You have to set rigid boundaries, put in checks and balances, and communicate honestly and openly. It will take Herculean efforts, and lots and lots of patience. It can be done, if you are ready and willing to expend the amount of work that's required. 4. Sure it's possible. But she'd already told you that "she wasn't in love with you". Seems to me that she has already asked herself that question, and the answer is no. Accept that fact. You cannot change her mind. OP, your story sounds like a big ego bruise on your part. She dumped you, but instead of doing the hard work to find yourself and heal from the breakup, you went right back to her to renegotiate. You ignore the fact that she had already told you, that she "did not love you after seeing you for a year". You probably use self-pity to badger her into "giving it another try even though she indicated that she wasn't in love with you." Well now that you get your second chance, you are finding that you can't "get over the fact that she dumped me and was out fishing around behind your back." Yeah that's your ego talking alright. There is no romantic relationship when someone "wasn't in love with you", not even if you were "a great guy with tons of good qualities". On a more cynical note, I doubt that you really love her. I think you're simply pissed that she had dumped you, which left you high and dry. If you were the one to have found a "prospect" and moved on, you probably wouldn't have started this thread.

leanco

Joined: 12/7/2006

Msg: 13 (view)

on-again, off-again Posted: 11/11/2009 8:45:07 PM
OP, you really have no choice but to get over it, and hope that things will work out this time. But the broader issue is this: you said it wasn't your idea to get back together again, and that you never wanted to be broken up in the first place. This means that he broke up with you last time and now he wants back. And you took him back. What message do you think you are sending to him by taking him back? What incentive is there for him to respect you and your needs? Why give the same person another chance to break your heart again? These are the questions you should be asking.

leanco

Joined: 12/7/2006

Msg: 69 (view)

Second chances? Posted: 11/5/2009 4:54:50 AM
If it's asking for a date, I may or may not try again after being shot down the first time. But for things that really matter, I would not ask for or give a second chance. And relationship is one of those things that really matters. When I commit to someone, I am all-in. It would take monumental failures in the other person's part for me to call it quits. And if someone breaks up with me (for whatever reason), I take that decision as final. Breaking up is the end, now and forever. This is not so much a rule more than a personal conclusion of gauging risks versus rewards. Sure, sometimes a second chance with the same person will end up being the best thing that can ever happen, but the downside is that it will be twice as disheartening to fail the second time around. For not only would I have gone backward and relive the heartache all over again, but to know that I have not learned anything from the mistakes of the last go around would be downright depressing. Some risks are worth taking, like making a relationship work with someone new, and some risks are not worth taking, like trying to rekindle an old flame. If someone knows whether they stand with you, it's much easier in a relationship. They know they don't have the benefit of a second chance after you've broken up. I quite agree with the OP on this. There are consequences to everything we do, in every action we take. We all make mistakes and if we are smart enough to realize and learn from our mistakes, may be we'd regret what we have done and wish for a second chance to make amend. But life seldom offers second chances, and perhaps it's better that way. We may as well accept that we only have one shot at everything we do and if we miss, those are meant to be lessons for us to learn from. In the context of love and relationships, we learn about ourselves from the ones that got away. Hopefully, that knowledge will help us form better and healthier relationship with the next person that comes in our life.

leanco

Joined: 12/7/2006

Msg: 38 (view)

is there a reason that girls in vancouver dont look/smile at guys? Posted: 11/3/2009 1:43:34 AM
^^^^^^^^^^^^^ I wholeheartedly agree. People living in big cities (and Vancouver has grown up to be one, much to the chagrin of some) tend to be less personal and less intimate, that's just the way it is. And yeah, by and large, Vancouverites are still generally very friendly. When I hold doors for strangers, most of them will cheerfully acknowledge; and when I smile and make small talks, they do respond in kind. you gals should go for a year trip around europe. I realize that the OP has long left the scene, but I find his Euro-arrogance rather off putting. Vancouver is not Europe, so why should the women here oblige to his Eurocentric standards?

leanco

Joined: 12/7/2006

Msg: 29 (view)

Should we stay friends? Posted: 10/24/2009 2:29:37 AM
msg 7 by the op: I have started dating again, and I am not putting my life on hold in a desperate wait for him to see the error of his ways and come back to me. However, I do believe he is a wonderful person, and while we both have made mistakes in this relationship, I fully believe there could come a point when things work to bring us back together. then msg 27 by SGN: I'm dating other men but it feels like I'm forcing it and no one is making me as happy as he did . Man, I hope you people can see how selfish you really are. It's one thing to waste your own time waiting for the unlikely to happen, cause you are only wrecking your own life. But when you decide to go out with others while you are still secretly pinning for an ex, you've crossed the line. Now you are deceiving others, using them and then throwing them away like yesterday's trash. All I can say is, be wary of the long arms of karma. Be very wary. There really are only two honorable ways to handle your situation: 1) Forget the guy. Someone who really loves you would never give you any reason to breakup. In fact, they'll move heaven and earth to be with you. So accept the fact that the relationship is over, and the break is final. The patient has died, there is nothing to save. Spend time to heal, and to figure out what you need to do differently next time in order to have a better chance to succeed. Learn your lessons. 2) Go all in. Let it be known that he is the only one you will ever love, and prove it by your action. Live your life, do as you please, just don't date anybody. May be he'll be impressed by your determination and be motivated enough to try and work out whatever issues you two may have. It's a long shot, a very long shot, but you'll be making it crystal clear that it's him and no one else. And if you do go down with the ship, at least you're not taking any innocent bystanders down with you. If you are a rational person with a healthy sense of self-respect, you will choose option 1. But if you are a hopeless romantic, and the key word here is "hopeless", then #2 is likely more to your taste. As the old saying goes, be careful what you wish for. You may just get it, and it may not be what it cracks up to be. If you are still hell-bent on going with #2, go read the thread "So You Want A Second Chance" in the Broken Heart forum. There, you will find the answers to your original question - should you stay friends?

leanco

Joined: 12/7/2006

Msg: 16 (view)

Still devasted over being seriously misled by my 1st GF in almost 3.5 years.... Posted: 10/22/2009 8:56:25 PM
You are the rebound guy. If you look at it in that light, everything would start to make sense. Most likely, she was never over her ex when you dated. Instead of spending time to heal and work on herself (like she knew she should), she found you to be her emotional refuge, to be the means to act out what she hopes would have happened with the ex. All that lovey-dovey stuff is a reflection of that. So she really doesn't love you and probably never have, regardless of what she might have said. Talk's cheap. The fact that she went right back to the ex tells you everything there is to know. "people come in your life for a reason or a season..." Man, if this is not the lamest cliché, I don't know what is. She is clearly shifting the blame onto you. Instead of owning up to having used you emotionally, she removed herself completely from all responsibilities. It's almost as if to say to you, that too bad you got hurt, but she got out what she needed. Besides, you were foolish for not knowing that you were both merely using each other. I think it isn't unreasonable for you to be angry at her. The only thing I can say is to let your anger go. People like her is not worth racking your brain over. Learn your lesson and move on.

leanco

Joined: 12/7/2006

Msg: 24 (view)

She dumped me so why does she still want to see me? Posted: 10/13/2009 3:33:15 PM
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ This is why the person who initiates the breakup has to really think things through thoroughly before pulling the switch. There are consequences to everything we do, a price to pay in every action we take. Imo, a breakup is an irreversible act and should not be taken lightly. In the case of the OP, when his gf of 3 years broke up with him, she has also forfeited the privilege to be his friend. When she gave up on him, she gave up everything that was him. There is no half way. If she didn't want to lose him as a "great friend", perhaps she should have tried to work hard at resolving whatever issues she may have with him. For her to try to coerce him into a one-sided friendship/relationship after he was dismissed is utterly most selfish. I hope the OP is wise enough to realize that.

leanco

Joined: 12/7/2006

Msg: 47 (view)

Finally thought she loved me agian...only to have my heart ripped out and shit on then thrown away Posted: 10/12/2009 2:07:58 PM
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ The loneliness and isolation will not go away overnight, it's gonna take time, alot of time. Consider this period in your life a "character strengthening" period then. Use the time to get to know yourself, find out what makes you tick and what you're looking for in a mate. Make sure you do not go for the quick fix of rebound relationships. They are not the solution. If you must, go out there and do the things you've always wanted to do. Go live life, do the kind of things that make you happy and have fun. Yes, 5 years out of 22 is a significant time, but you do have a whole life in front of you and you will meet someone again in due time. You are just waiting for that her to come. Use this time to keep yourself in the best shape possible so that when she does show, you will be at your best to receive her. Good luck.

leanco

Joined: 12/7/2006

Msg: 16 (view)

She dumped me so why does she still want to see me? Posted: 10/10/2009 10:58:09 AM
You never know, if you go into a situation you thought was over with an open heart, what you might see. I disagree. By giving his ex-gf a second chance, the OP is taking on the huge risk of being dumped again. He was not good enough for her then, who's to say that he's good enough now? Never let someone break your heart more than once, as it will be so much worse the second time around. Not only would you have to live through the heartache all over again, but you'd also question your intelligence and why you haven't learned anything from the last time around. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice... OP, don't be fooled by "did not love you with her heart but still loves you so much". This clearly is her way of using words to make herself come out looking more saintly. And if she really cared about you and had your interest in mind, she would let you heal your emotional wounds as quickly as possible by distancing herself. Being "really great friends" is not for your benefits but for hers. You are her emotional refuge until the next prince charming comes alone. Cut all ties. Go no contact. This is the most important thing for you to do now. If you have friends who are also her friends, tell them you do not want to hear them talking about her anymore. Make sure they understand your seriousness. And if she barges back into your life, tell her politely but firmly that your relationship is over, and that you wish to move on. She's made her choice to breakup with you and you are not obligated to be her emotional refuge anymore. You won't look good doing this but trust me, in the long run, this is the best thing you can do for yourself.

leanco

Joined: 12/7/2006

Msg: 1370 (view)

So you want a second chance? Posted: 10/8/2009 12:30:39 AM
On the one hand I completely agree with you - given a choice I'd rather be happily in a relationship than happily single - but as for the 'what have you got to lose' question - I guess it's taken me 2 years to get over our break up and get to the point where I'm happy with my life and confident enough to be dating again. I worry that giving him another opportunity - even just meeting for dinner, let alone "a few months" will simply be going backwards. The divorce is final and logic tells me to walk away. The problem with giving someone a second chance is that you are always the one taking on huge risk on a long shot proposition. As you said, you have already moved on. It took two years for you to get back to being happy again. If you allow your ex-husband to even be friends, you risk reopening up old wounds. Worse, if you get back into a relationship with him and he ends up leaving you again, your heartache will be twice as bad. For not only are you back to square one and have gone backward for two years, but knowing that you have let the same person hurt you twice would be a very tough pill to swallow. Second chance is way overrated. It's important to recognize that for the lucky few who has succeeded in reconnecting with an ex, a great number more didn't. Worse still, the experience can leave a deep scar that often takes many more years to recover. There is no shortage of threads in this forum about those dreadful on-again-off-again relationships, and how utterly time-wasting and debilitating the whole exercise was. Or you can spend the next 2 or 3 or 4 years searching for someone until you convince yourself that being alone is just great knowing deep down inside all you'll be doing is lying to yourself. If being alone was so great dating services wouldn't be springing up on line. People wouldn't be getting in line to pay money every month just to meet people. I suspect even the most jaded have a secret wish they could meet someone. Otherwise, why are they spending time and money looking? (Just for the record this does not apply to me as I make it clear I am married.) Ego has been the downfall of many wo/men. Be careful not to fall victim to it. I am not sure how many people think in this line. I know for sure I don't. I much rather expend the efforts in finding someone new who may be a match for me than to take on the huge risk of reconnecting with an ex. I give my all in every relationship and I wouldn't hesitate to do it again, but for me, one heartache per person is more than enough. This does not make me jaded. I am merely taking care of my emotional wellbeing by not subjecting myself to extraneous risks. It has nothing to do with ego.

leanco

Joined: 12/7/2006

Msg: 11 (view)

Finally thought she loved me agian...only to have my heart ripped out and shit on then thrown away Posted: 9/21/2009 9:44:25 PM
Op, what's done is done and you can't turn back the hands of time. Out of all the miseries that you have to endure, I hope you have learned a very valuable lesson here: DON'T EVER, NEVER, NOT EVER SHOULD YOU EVER, NEVER EVER EVER, EVER GET BACK TOGETHER WITH AN EX! This is especially true if she is the one to dump you. You were not good enough for her then, you are not gonna be good enough for her now. No second chance, no redo, no let's try it again. No, no, no. Above all , NO CONTACT. Do whatever you must, but NO CONTACT. None, Nada, Zip. When you ex dumped you, your self-image was damaged, that's why you feel lost. I know you still love her with all of your heart and I know you want to be happy again. The good news is, you will be happy again. How do I know that? Because I was just like you a year ago. Here's what worked for me: 1) No contact with the ex. Burn whatever bridge you have to to get there. 2) Stop reliving the good times you had. Things changed, people changed. Those moments happened once upon a time but they will never return again. 3) figured out what you've done wrong in your relationship. Vow to be better next time. Admit your own mistakes as you call out hers. Forgive her, but more importantly forgive yourself. Let it go. 4) Go see your friends, spend time with those who love you just as you are. Take up a new hobby, meet new people. Get out there and do the things you've always wanted to do. Indulge a little, have some fun. Start to be happy again. 5) Give dating and relationship a rest. Let time work its magic until your wounds are heal. Don't do rebound relationships. The best way to get over someone is NOT to get under someone else. Don't go there. Don't you go there. When you can think about your ex having sex with another guy and be indifferent about it, that's when you're healed. At that point, you will be able to see the selfishness of your ex and wonder why you ever put yourself through the miseries. But that's ok, sometimes you have to learn things the hard way. Be strong, you will make it through. Many of us have had the same thing happened and we all made it through, and we are a better person because of the experience. You will too. Good luck!

leanco

Joined: 12/7/2006

Msg: 11 (view)

was anyone so angry at a x that they wanted revenge? if yes what happened? was it worth it? Posted: 9/20/2009 11:15:09 PM
I am a firm believer of "he who seeks vengeance must dig two graves". Sure I have rage, and I may react spontaneously when someone has wronged me. But to spend time to plot a revenge? That's a waste of time. It's a lot more rewarding to go out there and get myself someone better - in every sense of the word. Leave the dirty work to karma, as it has an uncanny way of evening up the score.

leanco

Joined: 12/7/2006

Msg: 37 (view)

I need mature advice on restarting a relationship. Posted: 9/12/2009 8:01:49 PM
Second chance in life is rare, and it is often better that way. He said he wanted to be exclusive from first date but when the chips are down, he made a conscious choice to go with someone else. May be seeing that you were so enamored with him, he figured that you'd be around anyway. Now that his first choice blew up in his face, he wants to settle with you. That's how it sounds to me. He was willing to risk losing you when he went with someone else. If you take him back now, you are basically telling him that his behavior is ok. That if he should find someone else again, you'd be willing to relegate to a backup position. After all, he's a wonderful man and you are willing to forgive just about any mistakes that he makes. The rational thing to do is to wish him well and say goodbye, but we all know that's not what you are gonna do. If you insist on restarting a relationship with this man, you first must give him extra time to recover from his previous relationship. Let him exorcise whatever ghost he may still have with the ex. This could take months, but it's absolutely necessary and he must do it on his own. Move slowly, give him plenty of time and opportunities to leave. If he is not a changed man, he will. Many more months could pass before you feel that may be he is for real this time. If it does come to that, congratulations. It's a long shot, and I wish you luck. Personally, to save myself from unnecessary dramas and heartaches, I don't believe in do-over or second chance. Once the door to romance is closed, it should stay closed for eternity.

leanco

Joined: 12/7/2006

Msg: 68 (view)

The curse of the Asian Persuasion. Posted: 9/11/2009 10:15:53 PM
... I have spent a lot of my working life in Asian countries and I can assure you that Asian woman are much more controlling than most races I have lived amongst. The difference is they use their intelligence to get things done. Ever heard the phrase "those inscrutable Orientals?" No guesses why the Asian populace et al, captures that reality. They are natural born negotiators and way more subtle than a good percentage of the petulant, I want it now, narcissistic women of the Caucasian world. You are absolutely spot on! The man in a traditional family has the prestige of being the head of the household, but the real power is often in the hands of his wife. If you want something done, you'd be best served to go to her and gain her favor. They are indeed natural born negotiators, who can work you over without your even suspecting. The perception that Asian women being subservient and meek works to their advantage very well.

leanco

Joined: 12/7/2006

Msg: 33 (view)

When/if can you become friends with an ex? Posted: 8/29/2009 4:12:23 PM
I think there is an underlying anger and hurt pride behind many of these comments. Do we really need all this bitterness to prove we are tougher or stronger than our exes? I respectfully disagree, even though I understand your point of view. I don't have any bitterness towards exes. This is especially true as time marches on, when whatever emotions I had for them fade from memory into indifference. There are two very good reasons why being friends with the ex is NOT a very good idea: 1) If I befriend a new person, there is no past, only a future. But with an ex, there is the risk of resurrecting past emotions or reopening up old wounds. It doesn't matter who did what or who had been wronged, there is just too much emotional baggage in the mix. Why bother? Why run the risk of being hurt by the same person again? 2) This is the more important reason. I want to offer to my future partner a clean bill of (emotional) health. I want to assure my future partner that the past is the past, and exes remain as exes. There is no going back, no second guessing. Once the door to romance is closed, it stays closed for eternity. Neither of these two reasons have anything to do with being bitter or needing to prove anything to an ex. I am merely taking care of business; taking care of my emotional self and to close a potentially harmful door to a budding relationship. Imo, reconnecting with an ex has lots to lose, but very little to gain. If you don't believe me, just look up all the posts that people put up in this forum about how ghosts from the past are hurting their current relationships.

leanco

Joined: 12/7/2006

Msg: 25 (view)

When/if can you become friends with an ex? Posted: 8/29/2009 12:26:18 AM
Friends with an ex? Never in a million years! No, make that a billion years. Why would you want to!? The past is the past, let sleeping dogs lie. That way, you won't have to worry about looking like a pathetic pest. And I agree with much of what DDB had to say. Ask yourself why do you still care how she views you?

leanco

Joined: 12/7/2006

Msg: 20 (view)

she says she needs space?? How much is enough? Posted: 8/24/2009 12:26:21 AM
op, I tend to agree that you are the rebound guy, even though you may feel that this time it's different, that this time you had an actual relationship. But the fact is that it's only been 6 months since the 5 years relationship, and that suggests to me that she is likely still recovering. Now after 3 months with you, she is having doubts. If she feels the same way as you do, she wouldn't be asking for space. You were great together and the kids got along well so she doesn’t want to turn you down cold, but she also probably doesn't want to go forward with you. That's why she says she feels lost and confused. It sucks, but everything points to you being the rebound guy. It's going to be hard, but do give her space. There is nothing more you can do. She has to work out the answers on her own, but experience tells me that when someone says they want space, it is the beginning of the end - sorry to say. Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. Imo, it's best that you be mentally aware that there is a good chance that you will lose/have lost her. I would also suggest that you reduce your calling and texting, with the goal to cut all contacts eventually (and quickly). Treat it as if this is a breakup, because that's really what it looks like. Good luck.

leanco

Joined: 12/7/2006

Msg: 32 (view)

Where should the line be drawn about friendships with ex's if you are in a relationship now? Posted: 8/21/2009 8:03:37 PM
You have nothing to gain and everything to lose by her staying friends with the ex. Hmmmmm. I got a text last night ~ "Happy 9th Divorce." There are those of us who can maintain a reasonable degree of friendship with those we've loved in the past. My ex is my son's father and he's got a killer sense of humor. I see no reason to ignore the positive things about him and if someone doesn't understand that, they won't understand me. May be if it was written this way it would be more clear to you: "THE NEW PERSON in your life has nothing to gain and everything to lose by YOUR staying friends with YOUR ex." My original statement isn't so much about whether a person can be friends with his/her ex or not. It is more about what negative effects being overly close to an ex may bring. Notice that the op had said in msg 4 that he "didn't tell her who she could and couldn't see", and that he "simply told her that he wouldn't feel comfortable about it." And with that, the woman in question had already "implied that he was selfish and not considerate of her feelings about her friendship." I don't see that the op is trying to change her, I see that he is merely asking where others would draw the line on what's acceptable behaviors and what's not before the woman shames him into submission.

leanco

Joined: 12/7/2006

Msg: 5 (view)

Have you tried a work/travel combination? Posted: 8/21/2009 5:45:00 AM
I like to someday become an active investor, managing my portfolio while globetrotting. I'd only need a computer, an internet connection and a couple three hours a day.

leanco

Joined: 12/7/2006

Msg: 8 (view)

Where should the line be drawn about friendships with ex's if you are in a relationship now? Posted: 8/21/2009 5:08:56 AM
As far as being selfish is concerned, it works both ways. You have nothing to gain and everything to lose by her staying friends with the ex. She is being selfish and inconsiderate for expecting you to take all the risks in trusting her, when that trust is not even established. I personally do not stay in contact with any exes as I believe that is the best assurance I can offer a future partner that the past is the past. You already said that you're uncomfortable. You even offer to hang out with him if he comes up and I think that's more than reasonable. You've set your boundaries, and It's up to her to decide whether she can work with that or not. If she wouldn't, you'd know that she doesn't really respect your boundaries and imo, that ought to be a deal breaker.

leanco

Joined: 12/7/2006

Msg: 50 (view)

Losing Streak/Self-Confidence Posted: 8/9/2009 1:57:46 AM
Op, from what you've written so far, I don't think self confidence is your only problem. It's quite obvious that you are going after the wrong girls too. Ask yourself why you are seemingly so fixated on girls who are only interested in the TD&H type. Not all women are shallow like that. And really, do you really want someone who in your own words "consistently picked losers"? That doesn't speak highly of her, and it surely doesn't speak highly of you either. May be you should change your sight somewhat. Don't go after the hotties who are often shallow and vain. Leave them and their attitude to the TD&H crowd (most deserve each other anyway). Strike up a conversation with Plain Jane, who's probably wondering what she has to do to compete with all the bombshells. You might just find that she is a great person with brains to match, and she probably won't judge you solely on looks either. On the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy", I think you are missing an important message here. It's not about your relationship with your father; it's more about a lack of male role model in many men's life which has made them lose their sense of masculinity. Also, the book teaches men the meaning and importance of boundaries. This in my (never humble) opinion, is the key to building self respect and self confidence. Page 151, "In nature, the alpha male and the bull moose don't sit around trying to figure out what will make the girls like them. They are just themselves: fierce, strong, competitive, and sexually proud. Because they are what they are and do what they do, prospective mates are attracted." This tells you a lot of what you want to know.

leanco

Joined: 12/7/2006

Msg: 75 (view)

Is it fair to be friends with your ex? Posted: 8/3/2009 12:44:01 PM
passion: these are not deeply passionate people. how can you have deep passionate sex and then just be casual friends with someone? not possible. i keep a distance. what was hot was hot and it doesn't go backwards. Interesting observations and I totally agree, although I wouldn't accuse others of not being passionate. I have always believed that once sex took place, the intimacy shared can never be reversed or downgraded. Sex changes everything. If the relationship doesn't work out, I think the ex should become a memory. ...or respect and love my future partner(s) so much since they are so great since I chose them, that i unload the burden of me having exes as friends before it ever becomes an issue. It is the great gift of all: one they don't even know i've given them and expect no accolades for. Exactly!

leanco

Joined: 12/7/2006

Msg: 64 (view)

Is it fair to be friends with your ex? Posted: 8/3/2009 8:46:13 AM
Maybe someday cmdrfunk and others like him will grow up. But then again, may be people who so vehemently disagree with cmdrfunk will one day wake up and smell the coffee, and realize how spot on he's been.

leanco

Joined: 12/7/2006

Msg: 18 (view)

You forgive but can you forget? Posted: 7/27/2009 11:53:56 PM
In the context of love and relationships, if someone has wronged me, it's hard for me to say "that's ok, I forgive you." But then I tend to forget things easily, especially if they cause me pain. I realize that a lot of people may disagree with me on this, but I think being able to forget - both the good and the bad - is actually a very good thing. It frees the mind and lets me move on, and it also allows me to see people and opportunities for what they really are, not what I want them to be.

leanco

Joined: 12/7/2006

Msg: 96 (view)

Gambling, in any shape or form Posted: 7/19/2009 10:20:11 AM
I enjoy the odd poker night with the boys but when I head to the casinos, I mostly just play craps. If you were to ask me, I'd tell you that there is no a better place to people-watch than at the craps table! It's really too bad that some people get caught up in the whole addiction thing, but gambling doesn't have to be destructive. Personally, I even find it educational. Understanding randomness, odds, statistics, probability, psychology and how to manage money/risk are all very useful stuff inside and outside of the casinos. I'm a frugal gambler. I never win big because I never bet big, and that's the way I like it.

leanco

Joined: 12/7/2006

Msg: 35 (view)

I REALLY need some advice about needing space Posted: 7/17/2009 8:17:00 PM
When someone says that they need space, experience tells me that it is the beginning of the end of the relationship. It doesn't matter what she might have told you - how much she loves you or how much it hurts to be away from you. She chooses to break, which means you are not good enough for her, and that tells you everything you need to know. Contrary to what her friend has told you, I would let her go and move on. Return everything to her and cut off all contacts. Go live your life, be as happy as you can be and get everything you've ever wanted. You want her to remember you as "the one that got away". Good luck.

leanco

Joined: 12/7/2006

Msg: 13 (view)

Can a guy become confident with women without having been successful? Posted: 7/5/2009 12:47:34 PM
Confidence comes from knowing yourself and being comfortable with who you are. More specifically, know the real you, what makes you tick and what your strengths & weaknesses are. Learn to accept your limits and boundaries, but also recognized what you may have achieved. Constantly work on pushing yourself just slightly out of your own comfort zone. As you achieve more, your confidence will grow. You will know that no matter what life throws at you, you can handle it just as well as anyone. Not surprisingly then, a person's confidence goes up as he ages. So I think it's possible for a guy to gain confidence even if he hasn't much experience with women. But you have to realize your self worth, which comes back to having an honest assessment of who you are. If you have that, you won't take rejections personally and know that if you stay true to being yourself, you will get your share of success.

leanco

Joined: 12/7/2006

Msg: 13 (view)

Am I living in the shadow of my ex? Posted: 6/22/2009 8:26:43 PM
Perhaps the reason you're upset is because of his misleading behaviors, which leads to failed expectations. As terrible as you may feel now, be glad that you found this out in just four dates. It seems that people who are still hung up with their exes just know how to play with other people's heart. I've always thought that experience is a dual-edge sword. It's our best assets but it's also our worst enemy, and you get to decide whether it's an inhibitor or an enabler. I think if you realize that no matter what happen - no matter how broken heart you may be or how much the other person can hurt you - and in the end, if you can still count on yourself to pull through, then the courage to love will come naturally.

leanco

Joined: 12/7/2006

Msg: 26 (view)

When a man is routinely giving a woman money... Posted: 6/22/2009 1:50:14 PM
I am going against most of what people say here. There are all kinds of reasons why people do the things they do. Sure, he being the victim of a scam or is paying "clandestine" child support are some of the more likely reasons, but those are not the only possibilities. May be he is paying off a personal or family debt; may be he's trying to support a long-lost sister, or perhaps he's paying her to take care of his parents or some relatives. Who knows and who cares? The fact is, we don't know his real situation. Besides, it's his money and he can spend it any way he sees fit. Even if he was being scammed, it's at least getting to the people on the grassroots level. My government sends millions upon millions of dollars to other countries in the form of foreign aids, sometimes only pennies get down to the people who really needs it. So he cuts out the corrupted bureaucrats and the fat cat middleman, is that so bad? lol...

leanco

Joined: 12/7/2006

Msg: 1326 (view)

So you want a second chance? Posted: 6/18/2009 1:26:54 PM
If you love and respect yourself you simply walk away from people who take you for granted. If they'll do it now, they'll do it again in the future. Besides, if they really wanted to be with you, neither hell nor high water would stop them from finding you. You don't have to pursue them, they'll find you. In the end, this is what it really all comes down to. Second chance is HIGHLY OVERRATED! Why give that person another free shot at breaking your heart? Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...

leanco

Joined: 12/7/2006

Msg: 32 (view)

Is it wrong to keep in touch with ex-boyfriends/ex-girlfriends? Posted: 5/25/2009 8:46:03 PM
Imo, staying in touch with an ex on a regular basis will do far more harm than good when you're dating someone new. In essence, you're putting your new love interest in an awkward position. You're forcing him/her to take all the risks (in trusting you), and that's hardly fair. You probably trust yourself to never cross the line, and you may even trust your ex as well. But the perception remains. Besides, our moral character gets tested every now and then and not everyone will pass the test every time. All relationships have their ups and downs. When trouble hits, your ex and your regular contact with him/her will most likely end up as a sore point. In the end, it isn't about trust or being mature. It's about human psychology and doing what's best for your current relationship.

leanco

Joined: 12/7/2006

Msg: 12 (view)

Should I contact my ex-girlfriend? Posted: 5/16/2009 4:17:53 AM
op, I also met a woman last year who I thought had real possibilities, but in the end she broke off with me after 8 months of dating. My last email to her was about half a year ago and in the last 6 months, I have used the time to recover and to rediscover myself. Sure, I still think about her every now and then. I also thought of getting in touch with her again too, to let her know that a lot of water is under the bridge and that perhaps if she sees the man that I am now, may be she might feel differently about me. But that's where my left brain comes in. Getting back together with an ex is a bad idea in my opinion. There is a reason why relationships breakup in the first place and the reasons are often something that is irresolvable. May be she was really never that into you in the first place and she only used the alibi of "different stages in life" to spare your feelings. I think you'd be better served to concentrate on the new ladies in your life, than to wonder "what if" with the ex. She broke up with you, so if there is any chance of a reconciliation, she has to be the one to initiate. Otherwise, let sleeping dogs lie. I do believe that until a girl is married, all is fair game though. I'm sure most of you would agree. no, I do not agree. In fact, I dated a girl for a while but when she declared that she has found a boyfriend, I backed off totally. If a woman is in a relationship, marriage or not, she is off limit to me. That's been my principle. I believe it's bad karma to wedge between two lovers anyway.

leanco

Joined: 12/7/2006

Msg: 83 (view)

Nice guys finish last is a sad truth... Posted: 5/5/2009 10:05:43 PM
My father left when i was very very young, and my mother has been an alcoholic all my life, so not much of a parent. She always provided and stuff, but as far as the actual bond between parent and child goes, i've never really had in any form. op, what you've posted here paints a more complete picture of your situation. As I see it, you lack a male role-model to learn from. In an ideal world, we learn about bonding and relationships from our parents. But since you don't have that option, you're going to have to find someone in your life, men who you respect, and observe how they relate to others. Not just how they relate to women but to other men as well. Most likely, these men are successful in what they do and their marriages are rock solid. From these role models, you will hopefully learn how not to be too trusting but still come across as genuine and interested, stand firm and protect yourself from being used or played without being a jerk or arrogant. You don't have to be a 'git' as you say to get ahead in this world. If you are genuinely nice and have a strong sense of self worth, trust me, the right woman will find you.

leanco

Joined: 12/7/2006

Msg: 9 (view)

am i just her rebound guy? Posted: 4/28/2009 1:09:34 AM
A 4 years relationship in which she had moved in with the guy, that's serious and I think most people would need some time to recover from such a breakup, especially if it was against her will (like she got dumped). How much time will vary from person to person, but imo 2 months (since February) is not a very long time. I'd say at least half a year. She could be in a rebound mode and is unaware of it, so even if you have talked about the two of you, realize that her judgment may be clouded and it's up to you to be the 'cooler head'. I am with the other posters here: be her friend and don't rush into anything. Give her time and space to work out her emotions and to find herself again. If she still likes you after her wounds are healed, you will then know that she really likes you and not because you're the rebound guy. Good luck.

leanco

Joined: 12/7/2006

Msg: 24 (view)

That awful F word. Posted: 4/21/2009 1:08:25 AM
There is nothing wrong to call it a "failed relationship" when things don't work out between two people. I accept the fact that sometimes, even the best intentions will end in failure. It does not make me a lesser person, nor would it erode my self-worth in any way. I've tried, but failed. Life goes on. And I don't go out of my way to burn bridges, nor do I hold any grudges against my exes. But I do prefer to sever all ties when a relationship ends. I have always found that once I've been naked with someone, there is no way to reverse or undo the intimacy shared. For me, it's always best to bury the good with the bad and move on.

leanco

Joined: 12/7/2006

Msg: 61 (view)

she left me for her ex and now she's back Posted: 2/4/2009 1:47:52 PM
my girlfreind walked out on me,with some one else.she has a history of bouncing around and i would take her back.i know its pointless and its sitting myself up for pain but if you love some one you try and try till theres no trying nomore. The consensus on here is don't go back, and on first brush I would have to say the same. But after some more thoughts, I feel slightly differently. I still think that it's probably a bad idea, but if you insist on trying again, you can improve your chances if both of you are willing to commit to fixing whatever that weren't working before. Couple counseling would probably be very beneficial as well, as an outsider could provide an objective guidance and opinion on your situation. It's going to take Herculean efforts and an incredible amount of goodwill, and lots and lots of honest communication. And then it's still a long shot. But if that’s what you want to do, I wish you the best.

leanco

Joined: 12/7/2006

Msg: 44 (view)

The USD... Posted: 2/2/2009 10:38:06 PM
Well isn't it interesting? Since last summer, the USD Index has risen from mid-70s to today's 85+. In other words, in the last 6 months, the USD has strengthen significantly against a basket of other currencies, most particularly the Euro. So in spite of the hundreds of billions being injected into the financial system and a tidal wave of bankruptcies and job cuts, against the backdrop of a very nasty recession no less, the wealth of the world continues to recognize the USD as the preeminent World Currency. Interesting indeed.

leanco

Joined: 12/7/2006

Msg: 37 (view)

she left me for her ex and now she's back Posted: 2/2/2009 2:03:26 AM
op, I feel for you, I really do. I will give you 9-to-1 odds that she will reoffend again. 9 times out of 10, if you start another relationship with this woman again, she will dump you at some point just to go back to her ex. There is a 10% possibility that she is indeed over him and genuinely wants to get back with you. You have your heart to use as wager, what would you do? I sure don't like the odds, but it's your life, your heart.

leanco

Joined: 12/7/2006

Msg: 24 (view)

Trusting after being lied to Posted: 2/1/2009 5:02:45 AM
Seeing if actions are consistent over time does seem to be the only way to find out if you can trust someone. This makes online dating extremely problematic. The trouble is, one invests time in someone, chatting, getting to know them, arranging to meet. It's important to feel that you are begining to trust each other and developing something positive. What is the point of meeting someone if you don't feel that trust is growing? And here's the crux of your problem: you seem to expect that every man who takes an interest in you in cyberspace is going to work out for you; that just because the two of you have met, that there ought to be a positive outcome at the end of it. Well, it doesn't work that way. You have to be willing to invest a lot of time and efforts, and even then it is a long shot that you will meet someone who is right for you. You cannot go into a situation where just because you've chatted and met, that trust will grow. You wouldn't give someone you just met off the street the key to your house, why would you trust someone you just met off the internet the key to your heart? There is no quick and easy way to find out if someone is genuine or lying. Everyone of us have to grapple with this question every time we meet someone new. All you can do is to portion your trust in him according to the evidence (which is his actions). That's the only thing you can go by.

leanco

Joined: 12/7/2006

Msg: 17 (view)

Is it wrong to settle temporarily, knowing it likely won't last Posted: 1/31/2009 11:27:23 AM
op, by the way you frame your question, "is it acceptable...", suggests to be me that you already knew the answer. If you still choose to have such temporal relationship, I think you are at least morally obligated to make it crystal clear to the other person your intentions and where the relationship is (and is not) heading, right from the get go. And you may have to periodically 'refresh' the memory so that there is no undue expectations on either party. After all, expectation IS everything. One thing you may not have considered is that the relationship may change over time. Both of you may agree that it's temporary in the beginning but what if one of you over time starts to develop real feelings? And the person who end up having real feelings may be you, even though you are 'reasonably sure' that the magic isn't there. In any case, I think it's just too much risk that one or both of you will get hurt when the relationship ends and for this reason, I would personally not entertain the idea.

leanco

Joined: 12/7/2006

Msg: 20 (view)

After a relationship ends, can you be friends??? Posted: 1/20/2009 7:26:33 PM
Funny this was exactly what a woman friend and I talked about just yesterday. Imo, once romance was involved, a relationship can never be downgraded to "just friends". In most breakup, there is a dumper and a dumpee, and it's interesting how it's usually the dumper who would say "let's be friends because I still care for you". Like the above poster said, it's often a way to assuage their sense of guilt. It's just so patronizing. I think you're doing the right thing - a clean break. You are moving on, you are trying to heal your emotional self. Nobody can fault you for that and if she truly cares for you, she would understand.

leanco

Joined: 12/7/2006

Msg: 19 (view)

what to do when the women u fell in love with doesn't feel the sam? Posted: 1/7/2009 3:20:03 AM
This post is 2 months old and I hope that the men who had been dumped have all moved on. But in case they haven't, here is my advice (or more precisely, what I did when the woman I loved walked out of my life): - Accepting reality. No matter how sweet it was at one time or how much love there once was, realize that those are all history now. You must do everything you can to avoid rehashing the past or fantasizing about what might have been. Doing so will only perpetuate the heartache. - Acknowledge your emotions. Tell yourself that it's okay to feel sad, hurt or even betrayed. Recognize that these are all normal emotions when reacting to being dumped. Someday you may be genuinely happy for her that she's found happiness elsewhere and without you, but for the time being, it's all about you and your needs. Make sure your respect your feelings and honor your needs to be angry with her. Get it out in the open. - Do an autopsy. Try, as objectively as possible, to find why the relationship failed. It takes two to tango and it's never all one person's fault. Be fair in your assessment. Admit your own mistakes as you call out hers. The purpose is not to assign blame, but to identify the causes of the failure so your next relationship will benefit from these insights. You will find closure once you have acknowledged your emotions and completed the autopsy. Let the anger and hurt go. Make a promise to yourself that you will rise from the experience. Start working on yourself, be a better man. Take a self-help course, go workout or start a new hobby. Hang out with the guys is another great idea, as it helps you to be with people who know and accept you for who you are. Imo, this is not a good time to start another love relationship. It's tempting to find another woman quickly to fill your void but emotionally you are still too fragile. Rebound is a time for healing the self. It would be extremely selfish to get involved with another person when your emotion is all over the place, and you are most likely going to end up hurting one or both of you. I'm not a big fan of "second chance" either. Exes are exes for a reason. It is possible that it may work out on a second try down the road, if what didn't work the first time has been positively and unequivocally resolved, and both parties are willing to approach it like a new relationship. However, it will be twice as disheartening if the second time fails again. It's a risk that I don't deem worth taking. Getting over being dumped is never easy, but it is an experience most of us have to endure at least once. I hope all of you find the strengths within you to move on and be a better man as a result.

leanco

Joined: 12/7/2006

Msg: 39 (view)

Designer Apparel. Turn on or Turn Off? Posted: 1/6/2009 7:24:12 AM
I absolutely despise designer logos prominently emblazoned on a garment. It's tacky at the least and besides, why should I pay to advertise for the company when really they should be paying me for doing so. I understand why people seek out designer names, but they do nothing for me. I would not be compatible with anyone who is "all that" about designer labels so yes, it would definitely color my judgment of them. Fortunately, they have the good sense to avoid my type as I them.

leanco

Joined: 12/7/2006

Msg: 110 (view)

do any girls actually want nice guys? Posted: 1/3/2009 11:43:01 AM
You know what? Women do want Nice Men, but they will positively reject Mr. Nice Guys. There is a Night-&-Day difference between a Nice Man and the proverbial 'Nice Guy'. The Nice Man is nice because that's how he is. He is nice to everyone he meets in his life, he is the helpful neighbor, the loyal friend and the trusted confidant. Most of all, he doesn't care if you appreciate his niceness or not. He knows in his heart what is right and what is wrong, and he follows those convictions and will stand up to anyone or anything that challenges his moral belief. The proverbial Nice Guy though, is quite different. For starter, he has excessive insecurities and it shows. He thinks he is too short, too fat, too this and too that, and he tries hard to hide his insecurities. Unfortunately, his efforts often end up drawing attentions to them instead. Then, when Mr. Nice Guy actually meets a woman who express interest in him, he makes sure he kills any chance by catering his everything to her presence. The woman instinctively sees through this and eventually grows resentful of Mr. Nice Guy - not because women don't like being treated nicely, but on the most visceral level, a woman needs a man to be masculine, and the traits of Mr. Nice Guy is anything but masculine. Bad boys and jerks are masculine, though in a negative sort of way. Aggression, conceit and self-centeredness are as much a part of masculinity as determination, confidence and discipline. It's not that women seek out bad boys on purpose; it's just that in the absence of positive masculinity, they rather have the negative type over the meekness of Mr. Nice Guy. I guess it must be like having bad sex is better than having no sex at all. ... So what's a Nice Guy to do? That's easy. Keep being nice and gentlemanly, but DON'T seek out the approval of women. Believe in yourself, and cultivate your own brand of self-confidence. Women universally are drawn to Nice Men who exhibit their manliness in a positive way: confidence, integrity and assertiveness. And if you are not afraid to call a woman out when she has obviously crossed the line, you will forever endear yourself to her. Trust me on that one. Want to read more, get the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert A. Glover, and check out this link: http://artofmanliness.com/2008/09/28/nice-guys-dont-have-to-finish-last/

leanco

Joined: 12/7/2006

Msg: 43 (view)

Saying goodbye in your heart Posted: 12/30/2008 6:36:39 PM
When I read your story (Msg 14), I can't help but get the sense that you are a typical 'Mr. Nice Guy'. While it's admirable to have a big heart and being selfless, there may be more at work here. I would like to suggest to you a book by Dr. Robert A. Glover, titled "No More Mr. Nice Guy". This book has helped me immensely and I strongly recommend it to every Nice Guy in the world. It has nothing to do with being nice... Its us that good people have to suffer in the end - being treated like a freaking doormat cause we let them. Not so fast. The Nice Guys of the world get treated like a doormat because Nice Guys often need to seek approvals, especially the approval of the woman they are trying to woo. So yes, their niceness is not being genuinely nice. Nice guys try hard to be nice and allow others to tramp on them in an effort to earn 'pity love'. It's a dangerous proposition, if not unhealthy. The funny thing is that women instinctively see through this weakness in Nice Guys and one of two results ensues: 1) if the woman is unscrupulous, she will exploit the Nice Guy to the max and leave him wasted when there is nothing more she could want from him or 2) the woman grows resentful of the manipulative behavior and leave. Either way, the Nice Guy got exactly what he didn't wish for. Read the book if this sounds familiar.

leanco

Joined: 12/7/2006

Msg: 24 (view)

Saying goodbye in your heart Posted: 12/26/2008 2:04:16 PM
OP, I know exactly how you feel. My last relationship was also about 7 months long and for a while, I thought we might have some real possibilities together. But I now know that she had never felt the same way as I did and eventually left, leaving me to sort out what really happened. It took me 3 months to reconcile with my emotions. What finally did it was that I wrote myself a long note, putting down all my feelings in my heart as complete and as accurate as it could be; the hurt, the lessons learned and the promise to rise from this experience. It was an acknowledgement of my emotions, completely and without prejudice. A Eulogy of sort, and it was my way to pay a final respect before burying what once was. I even sent a copy to my ex, just so that the heart knew what needed to be said was said. When I read your story (Msg 14), I can't help but get the sense that you are a typical 'Mr. Nice Guy'. While it's admirable to have a big heart and being selfless, there may be more at work here. I would like to suggest to you a book by Dr. Robert A. Glover, titled "No More Mr. Nice Guy". This book has helped me immensely and I strongly recommend it to every Nice Guy in the world.

leanco

Joined: 12/7/2006

Msg: 188 (view)

Is it the end of the dating world if you are not good looking? Posted: 12/26/2008 10:40:00 AM
A guy's perspective: On the internet, it's a bit more skewed because all people got to work with is your 2-D picture. Still, if you are not naturally handsome, you can do yourself a big favor by packaging. A confident posture, good lighting, sharp image etc. These all help. But the biggest help is a nice smile. And then there is the written text in your profile. Make it sound interesting, tell a story, make it hard for them to say no. In real person, things get easier. Confidence and a certain "swagger" can make an average looking guy a lot more attractive instantly. Even if you're lacking in the looks department, your attitude and body language will make a huge difference. Some people will always make looks as the one-and-only criteria. If you are an average looking guy, those are not your kinda gal. If you aren't the handsome type, you need to work harder at other areas (personality, confidence, attitude etc) to make you stand out. Focus on your strengths. Outside of the looks department, it's all in how you "market" yourself.

leanco

Joined: 12/7/2006

Msg: 61 (view)

Why do people ask about other's ethnicity? Posted: 11/9/2008 9:54:41 AM
I am with the OP on this one, totally. Not too long ago, an Asian woman here on POF wrote a first contact email to me and it had only four words... "Where are you from?" I was annoyed and my short answer to her was, "from my mother." Of course, that was not the answer she was looking for. What she really wanted to know was whether I am Chinese or not. I thought it was a tasteless question in the current context and I never did answer her question. As it turned out, she took great offense when I told her that I was not interested. Apparently, the fact that her profile contained no pic and just one line of description (much like most of her subsequent emails) were more than adequate in her mind. My point is it depends on how and when it's asked. If the only words from a complete stranger were to ask a personal question (like ethnicity), it is offensive. I think most people would consider it so. It's almost as if your public demeanor does not conform to their preconceived notion of who they think you are and they need you to clarify. I have had other real life experiences when I was asked a similar question and I always either give them a smartass answer or ignore the person totally. Once there is a conversation going, I would've no problem with it.

leanco

Joined: 12/7/2006

Msg: 34 (view)

Commodity Trading Posted: 10/17/2008 4:01:12 AM
Price of Oil is determined by a number of factors, of which speculation is only one. Other factors at work are: 1) Demand destruction and fear of a global recession, which means oil consumption will lessen even more. We are already using less oil with reduced economic activities and sky high gasoline prices, and we will continue to consume less in the foreseeable future. 2) The strength of the Dollar (USD). Back in July, the Dollar Index went as low as 71. Today, it closed at 82+. In general, commodities are priced in USD so when the Dollar gains strengths, commodity prices shrink. 3) Supplies are stable and there are plenty of it. The situation in the Middle East and Nigeria has been stable, and the storm season hasn't caused much disruption to the US Gulf region. And then you have the hedge funds liquidating their assets, due either to margin calls or they simply want out in this commodity bear market. As hard as it is for the average person to see it, there really are just too much inventory out there. But traders can tell by reading the contango and the backwardation numbers. Here are some comments from a professional trader: http://www.bloomberg.com/avp/avp.htm?clipSRC=mms://media2.bloomberg.com/cache/vuypGKiYHCh4.asf

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