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Thread: Boyfriend Left Kids N I after 17 years Need help

Joined: 12/9/2006

Msg: 13 (view)

Boyfriend Left Kids N I after 17 years Need help Posted: 1/29/2007 9:48:31 PM
Hi ... I'm soooo sorry to hear about your boyfriend leaving you and your children ... and that he would move in the same apartments, much less the same building ... WHAT A MESS !!! ... BUT ... it DOES show his total lack of respect and regard for you and your feelings. Which is 'why' he was still just your 'boyfriend' despite 17 years AND having children together. I volunteer at the Women's Shelter here in my city and I would like to give you a few things to think about ... FIRST ... PLEASE do not make your children 'emotional hostages' ... THEIR relationship with their father has NOTHING to do with YOUR relationship with him ... IF he is a POSITIVE influence and you KNOW he will take care of them PROPERLY ... without having to worry about him stealing them or exposing them to undesirable circumstances ... they NEED to see their father ... he is part of them, just as you are ... so you should try to avoid talking badly of him as well ... simply because if he's a 'bad guy' ... "I must be one too" is a common conclusion children come to and lose their self-confidence in the process. You don't want to do permanent emotional damage or scar them in ANY way ... his leaving is already doing enough of that !!! (Children usually think it is THEIR fault the parent left) FOR YOU ... think BABY STEPS !!! You mentioned VERY briefly (IF I understood you correctly) suffering from anxiety to the extent that it prevents you leaving your home. Get on the phone and find someone on a professional level who can help you. Start with the Women's Shelter in your area ... call up the Victim's Services unit of your local police dept ... your local hospital might have referrals, or the Health Dept ... get out your phone book and FORCE yourself to keep going until you find help ... THINK OF YOUR CHILDREN AND DO IT FOR THEM IF NOT FOR YOURSELF !!! Keep a mental image of a beautiful butterfly emerging from it's cocoon ... that's you ... keep focused on the endless possibilities AHEAD in your NEW life, rather than remain bound and helpless by the chains of the past. If he doesn't love you --- you don't want him anyway !!! You DESERVE to be loved and there IS a man out there who WANTS your love ... but he will NEVER come knocking on your door 'looking' for you ... and until you give yourself time to heal ... discover who YOU are ... and you DON'T know ... you have been 'half' of a couple for 17 years ... sounds like the 'quiet and invisible' half to me ... GIVE YOUR CHILDREN YOUR FULL ATTENTION while THEY heal ... AND decide what YOU want to do with the rest of your life ... then go after that goal ... while you do, YOU will become the woman you are meant to be ... truly WHOLE ... and THEN ... ONLY THEN ... would I start trying to bring someone into my life again. NO ONE can 'fix' us ... we MUST do it ourselves --- and you cannot come into a HEALTHY relationship dragging the baggage of your past in with you ... two WHOLE people can love each other ... one or two 'broken' people NEED more than the other can give ... no matter how much they love or how good their intentions. It is impossible to build anything solid on a 'cracked' foundation. I wish you peace of mind, blessings for you and your children, and raise you up in my prayers. Blessings, Lace

Joined: 12/9/2006

Msg: 20 (view)

Shall i just walk away from this? Posted: 12/19/2006 4:54:02 AM
Ben You don't know me .. and I am VERY new to this whole internet social thing as well as POF ... but your post moved me to respond, so I will do it from a 'real life' POV. I recently ended a three plus year engagement to a man that will forever keep a piece of my heart ... why was it so long ??? Because I would not marry him with things the way they were. We started out as best friends and I considered him to be one of the most intelligent, loving, honorable men I have ever known ... and he was ... for a while ... until I agreed to marry him ... until he felt 'trapped' ... until he had to deal with the whole 'two people to consider in decisions instead of one' ... until he felt getting married again was giving up 'control' ... THEN ... I became 'responsible' for everything real and imagined he 'thought' I 'might' do or say ... always negative, of course I was 'guilty' of everything all the women in his life had ever 'done' to him ... again, always negative I was 'accused and punished' emotionally whenever I stood up for the truth instead of his 'revised, so I can rant" version of things I forgave him for lying to me when he said he just did not know how to tell me I forgave him for treating me with such an antagonistic attitude on a daily basis I forgave him for treating me with such flagrant disrespect at times that it left me in tears I forgave him when he used my love to manipulate me The list goes on and on ... I will not bore you with the litany ... but I WILL say ... I see red flags in your post, but also in the people who do know both of you. Things that are very similiar to my own experience with a 'broken' person. We cannot love a person 'enough' to 'fix' them .. trust me, I tried ... for two long years ... but it will never be 'enough' despite our best efforts. THEY have to CHOOSE to GET 'fixed' ... and that is something we CAN'T do. Like your experience, the man I fell so deeply in love with was 'one-side' of him ... and unfortunately, for both of us ... it was not his predominant personality ... your friend has this same trait ... the side of her she uses to 'get' you is not the woman the 'world' sees ... nor will you, once she 'has' you and stops 'trying' to 'charm' you. Today ... we are friends ... when old habits reoccur ... I simply drop contact until he has had time to 'regroup' and treats me with the same care and espect that I have always shown him ... this might be an option for you that will help you not feel as if you 'deserted' her. As for the baby ... I myself consider all life precious gifts from God .. but you have to be at peace with whatever decisions YOU make ... be aware ... you DO have rights as the father ... and ANY decisions must be made by BOTH of you ... as someone posted previously ... it is a decision you cannot 'take back' ... make it one you are SURE you can live not to regret all your life. These are just things for you to think about, Ben ... but in the end ... only YOU can know what is 'right' for you. Search your heart ... follow your own instincts ... just know .. we can never love 'enough' to fix ... we CAN give our love and support to a person WANTING to heal ... there IS a HUGE difference. My heart goes out to you, this girl, and your unborn child. Blessings. Lace

Joined: 12/9/2006

Msg: 17 (view)

It wasn't the cookies :{ Posted: 12/18/2006 12:03:12 PM
We have a Utilities tool that allows us to view and clear our cookies ... despite the fact I just cleared mine a couple of days ago ... I tried that just now ... just in case it would work ... then went to try to reply to one of my messages ... still nothing.:{ Thank you for the suggestion Sombient ... I appreciate your input Blessings Lace

Joined: 12/9/2006

Msg: 15 (view)

It wasn't the smilies :{ Posted: 12/18/2006 4:02:20 AM
Good Morning I write the message ... go to the Send button ... click ... nothing ... if I hold it down ... it will act like it 'wants' to work (flashes of highlighting color), but it will just not connect. When Trap was kind enough to help me, I said it worked once to him .. but it was twice, and then I wrote two very brief replies because I had to go ... when I came back online the next day (Sunday) it had quit again :{ There have been no upgrades or changes on my side of things (with WebTV), so I really don't understand how it could be with my WebTV as suggested. I'm not a very technically proficent person, but it seems to me that if I started out being able to send messages, then was able to again with Trap's assistance ... it's not my WebTV. As I said, I am very technically challenged, LOL, so if that is an incorrect assumption ... I will try my best to understand your explanation. Whatever the outcome, I am just truly amazed at the level of genuine desire to pursue a solution that has been given to my problem. You have this truly great service with many members ... despite not using an Administrative 'staff' to operate the site which must be very time-consuming ... you have made me feel valued as a member, while actively seeking the solution for me in a very prompt manner. THANK YOU !!! Have a Very Blessed Day Lace

Joined: 12/9/2006

Msg: 13 (view)

It wasn't the smilies :{ Posted: 12/17/2006 11:17:05 PM
Admin/Bigfish Did as you asked and tried to email you ... no luck :{ my wings are still 'clipped'. Blessings Lace

Joined: 12/9/2006

Msg: 1212 (view)

Rocket Posted: 12/17/2006 11:00:25 PM
Can't answer emails suddenly, Admin is trying to figure out 'why' ... until then, no more carrier pidgeons in the water for me :{ ... a 'diamond' ??? Maybe a rough cut LOL j/k Blessings Lace

Joined: 12/9/2006

Msg: 12 (view)

Sombient (Admin) Posted: 12/17/2006 10:52:39 PM
I'm not trying to be hard to get along with, but it is NOT a "Web-TV" thing ... I WAS ABLE TO SEND EMAILS ... for SEVERAL days after I joined .. AND ... then AGAIN, after Trap helped me ... which worked for one day. The friend who referred me here uses HER WebTV ... she has the SAME upgrade that I do and has NO problems sending mail. If it were my 'browser' ... I would NOT have been able to send emails from the start ... as for content ... if Admin wishes to access my emails to check the content, I have NO problem with that ... there is NOTHINg in them other than 'getting to know you' banter. Blessings Lace

Joined: 12/9/2006

Msg: 9 (view)

It wasn't the smilies :{ Posted: 12/17/2006 4:22:01 PM
I tried to send a reply to a new friend here ... did not use a single smilie .. still no luck. :{ Whatever caused it to start working again yesterday when Trap helped me allowed me to answer him and write two more responses ... today ... nothing :{ The really upsetting part is people writing me and not getting a response ... think I'm ignoring them ... or playing games. Can't say I'm not disappointed this doesn't seem to have a solution. :{ Blessings Lace

Joined: 12/9/2006

Msg: 8 (view)

Trapped, It did it AGAIN :{ Posted: 12/17/2006 3:47:12 PM
Admin Thank you for answering my post so quicky ... I HAVE been using the smilies all along (they are just too much fun LOL ... AND it adds color to y emails ... one of the BIG reasons I hang on to my WebTv besides no chance of getting hit by a virus or worm ... we have the ability to create customized 'email sigs' ... BG's, graphics, music ALL as a sort of virtual 'stationary' LOL ... I admit it .. I AM addicted' :}~) ... I will go try to send an email WITHOUT them and see if that helps ... are they 'independent' of POF ??? Just curious since I originally 'could' use them ... and did. Thanks again for taking time out of your Sunday ... hope it didn't interfere with any game today. Everyone here is so nice ... it's an AWESOME site !!! Have a Very Blessed Day Lace

Joined: 12/9/2006

Msg: 6 (view)

Trapped, It did it AGAIN :{ Posted: 12/17/2006 12:20:04 PM
I was able to respond to your emails while helping me a BRIEF note to one person last night ... another email today ... just tried to answer an email ... even went so far as to delete it down to almost nothing, in case it was too long ... but I couldn't send it. My friend who referred me uses her WebTV instead of her computer like I do... she isn't having any problems :{ HELP !!! I'm truly sorry to be such a nuisance ... Thank you in Advance Lace

Joined: 12/9/2006

Msg: 1209 (view)

Has anyone been brave enough to meet someone with no pic at all? Posted: 12/16/2006 10:20:46 PM
First .. Rocket ... I have to compliment you on your post ... I skipped around thru a few pages to get some insight as to how the majority of people feel (I'm VERY new to this ) ... but your post was one of the most intelligent thought-provoking posts I read. (to anyone of similiar quality ... I mean you no disrespect ... I just probably skipped the page your post was on ) Now for MY post ... As a new member, a woman, AND a person with no pic online. Do I consider myself to be an attractive woman ??? Yes ... and the complimentary looks in men's eyes do much to validate that ... but there are also men that 'do not' find me to be to their liking ... just as I am certainly not going to be attracted to every man "I" see ... and no one should expect realistically 'to' appeal to everyone ... we ALL have our individual likes and dislikes ... it's a matter of personal preference, not 'quality'. I happen to have waist length auburn red hair ... a man that prefers blondes is definitely not going to be able to look past all this red hair if he simply 'must' have a blonde ... nor is someone who likes that 'pixie' waif look going to find me attractive ... just as there are certain things "I" desire in a man. My Irish and German heritage means my skin is very fair as well as sensitive to the sun ... so no 'tanned beach babe' here for that man wanting a surfing mate ... but I'm not going to ENJOY the same things he does, so it makes no sense to even 'want' his attention ... let him find a woman who truly suits him My point is ... there will ALWAYS be those who 'do' and those who 'don't' find this or that person attractive ... Having your pic online, or not is a PERSONAL DECISION ... it involves MANY considerations ... most of which have NOTHING to do with deceptions. One of my reasons IS the whole 'fear of the unknown' thing ... pics just do not 'always' have to have ANYTHING to do with your appearance ... there is a big issue of privacy ... I live in a fairly small CONSERVATIVE East Texas city ... AND, as a Sheriff friend and his wife cautioned me when I told them another friend had convinced me to try this site ... "and exactly how many six foot redheads with hair down to their azz, do you think we have here ???" THAT really got my attention ... sooo, no pic ... and until "I" feel at ease with actually 'meeting' a man ... there won't be. If that is 'enough' to make him 'move on' ... so be it. The man I give my heart of hearts to will be made of a more discerning character than to be attracted to a 'picture'. JUST BE HONEST ... THAT is the REAL issue ... we ALL have our warts, much as we would like to pretend we don't. I thought about this for over a week before I did it ... and I came to one final conclusion that made up my mind to try this ... internet services like this are giving people the chance to get to truly know a person BEFORE anything on the physical level 'filters' your view ... you get to take your time and really learn about each other ... from the heart ... BEFORE physical attraction is part of the relationship ... a modern day version of the 'old time' matchmakers or arranged marriages. IF you take your time ... the lies WILL come out ... they ALWAYS do in day to day life ... 'this' is no different. The difference is ... when it becomes an issue that you are aware there is a problem with honesty ... which means they have no integrity as well ... it's easier to walk away. Just MY opinion on the whole pic or no pic ... if I have offended anyone, I apologize for that ... but not for my belief that pics should just not be the 'reason' you try to get to know ANYONE ... even a new online friend. Have a Very Blessed Day Lace

Joined: 12/9/2006

Msg: 5 (view)

I CAN Send Emails Suddenly :lol: Posted: 12/16/2006 5:18:12 PM
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR HELP TRAPPED !!! Once you sent your email thru, IT WORKED !!! Sooo whatever you did before sending it, fixed the problem ... I really do appreciate you taking the time to help me. As for the WebTV thing ... my friend has a Mac too and SHE uses her WebTV ... but she never lost her Send capabilities ... that's WHY I was so confused ... but of course, when it comes to the 'technical stuff' ... that's EASY to do :{ One day it worked ... the next day I could not answer my mail :{ Knowing that everything happens for a reason ... I'm thinking that taking my rather 'unique' friend's advice and joining POF will be a decision that I will be glad I made ... the people my path has crossed with in such a short time have really been AWESOME ... and it's nice to know that 'someone' listens, when you have a problem on the site 2007 just might turn out to be a really surprising year !!! Have a Very Blessed Evening Lace

Joined: 12/9/2006

Msg: 3 (view)

Can't Send Emails Suddenly Posted: 12/16/2006 4:24:20 PM
Hi ... I literally cannot SEND an email ... I can tell, not only because the Send link does not recognize I have accessed it, but also by the emails I received AFTER trying several times to reply ... that voiced concerns they might have 'run me off" ... due to my sudden 'silence' ... my replies were MUCH shorter than my first 'getting acquainted' email, so that's not the problem either ... and I don't give out ANY personal info to 'strangers' (not even my pic), nor do I need anyone else's money, so NOTHING of a financial nature has existed in my previously sent emails. (except for one condolence when one man said he had been scammed for a great deal of money) I told him I was sorry someone had violated his trust and not to lose faith in people as a whole. This is SOOOO frustrating ... this site seemed to have some sincere, down to earth people ... I actually thanked my friend who talked me into doing this (she is a member here) Everything worked fine at first ... and still does ... except the send button ... was there any changes made to the technical side of the website perhaps ??? THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME !!! Have a Very Blessed Day Lace

Joined: 12/9/2006

Msg: 1 (view)

FAQ - WEBTV Users - Post your problems here Posted: 12/15/2006 4:39:56 AM
As of the 12th, my ability to 'Send' emails has failed to function. The rest of the site is accessible and works fine. Any suggestions ??? I feel bad because not being able to answer emails sent TO me has made it seem as if I am 'not interested' or 'run off' by something said ... I've sent two emails requesting assistance, THEN saw the notice to post 'site functionality' questions in this Forum ... I hope I chose the right one Thank you for your assistance Have a Very Blessed Day Lace

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