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Thread: I can't date you, my family wouldn't approve

blah_user_name

Joined: 8/27/2011

Msg: 16 (view)

I can't date you, my family wouldn't approve Posted: 3/20/2013 2:14:42 PM
Some parents can be very controlling of their children into adulthood. I find it is mainly those parents who used guilt and disappointment as a means to control their children when they were younger. In my experience, what ends up happening, is that many children spend their lives trying to get their parents approval and they often are what is termed as over-achievers. I'm not saying all over-achievers are in this situation but I am saying that controlling parents often produce over-achievers if their child is able to handle the pressure. These adults were raised in a `do as I say not as I do`environment and although not all of the parents are bad parents, they have a tendency to expect their children not to question their expectations. I was one of these children. On the Exec payroll of a large corporation by the time I was 19, mainly because my father said I'd never get the job. It was a case of proving to him he was wrong. At 20, I walked up the aisle towards a really nice man who I didn't love, because the expectation was that I needed to settle down and marry. At 22, it was all over. My parents would have termed me rebellious because I left home at 16. I couldn't take not being able to just breath but still, even outside of their home, I followed many of the ingrained expectations without fully understanding why. Redundancies at work when I was 24 left me wondering what the heck I was going to do but as my job defined me and having been viewed as a failure being the only divorcee in the family ever, there was no way I was losing the only thing I had achieved - as I saw it. Less than 12 hours after losing my job, I had another one, so I dodged that bullet of disapproval and carried on. For me, it was only after moving continents, and not having that constant feeling of being on their radar, that I really looked at some of my personal history, questioned properly and to my own conclusions what beliefs my parents held which I did not. There was no fear of repercussion because I was too far away. How foolish is that? I didn't run away from them in my move but being out of reach of their controlling way was a bonus. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents, but I just can't be around them for long periods of time. They have different standards and expectations of me than anyone else. They don't expect to be questioned and it's easier to keep the peace and go with the flow when you are located closely to parents like this. They aren't bad people, far from it. You couldn't meet to nicer and kinder people who are so nonjudgmental of others - except me, their child. It's just coming from the backgrounds they did (Dad military from age 14 and Mum convent educated in a boarding school from age 6) they are institutionalized in a manner which left them without parenting role models but instead with the mind set you did as you were told or else. I think my father regrets some of their ways but simply doesn't know any different and doesn't seem to have the skill set to address personal change plus too, he doesn't have the opportunities to practice anything which perhaps he might consider need amending. Getting away from parents like these, takes drastic action. For me, it was a by-product of a life event but not everyone will get that chance and until they are out from the microscope, perhaps like my parents, they don't know how to change the situation whilst still in it and it doesn't seem so bad when you are living that because it's all you've ever known. Would I date someone my parents didn't approve of? When I was younger I did, not because I wanted to date him but because I wanted to piss them off and doing it that way, when they didn't have a reasonable objection, served the purpose of highlighting how ridiculous some of their expectations were without the need for me to be confrontational and just state it. Would I do it again today? Yes, but not for the same reasons. I know understand that finding someone who has the potential of being special, is a slim chance and so, if I did meet him, my parents view would be and is completely irrelevant. Knowing what it was like to live that way, I've made firm and conscious choices to parent very differently. I don not want my sons held hostage to my expectations about how they should live their own lives. You only get one, and I hope for my own children, they embrace the chances that tempt them, they aren't afraid to learn who they truly are and they know if they need me, I will always be here but I don't expect them to pander to my whims and wishes. I have no expectations of my children, I don't care if they marry or not, if they are straight or gay, if they have children or don't have chidren but I have hopes for them. I hope they do things which make them happy and that they are respectful of others in their choices. That's all I want to see - and then, I'll know I didn't pass this legacy on.

Blah_User_Name

Joined: 8/27/2011

Msg: 2 (view)

Online status within matches Posted: 3/20/2013 12:04:41 PM
Might be connected to the new Distance tab in the Search area which shows users close to you who have been on-line in the last few hours. Someone asked earlier if Hidden Profiles showed here as strictly speaking in isn't a search (in terms of an user driven one). It seems Hidden Profiles are not included and also, users without a photo seem to be excluded too - just an observation based on the profiles I am being shown who all have public images. The new tab can be accessed here : http://www.pof.com/viewdistance.aspx if you are signed in as otherwise, it won't know your postcode/zipcode.

Blah_User_Name

Joined: 8/27/2011

Msg: 5 (view)

adult breast feeding relationships Posted: 3/20/2013 11:42:36 AM
Hmmm, someone else had this issue last week.

Blah_User_Name

Joined: 8/27/2011

Msg: 3 (view)

'Single' vs. 'Divorced' plus . . . used to be a woman??? Posted: 3/20/2013 10:02:05 AM
Single vs divorced - lots of threads already discussing this. You can read until your eyes bleed. Man with female voice - if it bothers you this much (and it would be 'cause I have a thing for voices) move on. Yes, it's personal to ask if he's transgendered and it will offend him. No subtle ways of finding out because right now, you are just a random stranger from the internet and who he shares his personal information with, is up to him. Either bow out because the voice is bothering you or meet him and see for yourself. No way of knowing if he's being honest even if you do ask.

blah_user_name

Joined: 8/27/2011

Msg: 9 (view)

Is 100% honesty realy a good thing in a relationship Posted: 3/20/2013 9:07:57 AM
Don't make your SO your shrink - they are two different jobs and cannot be combined, so don't bother trying. This is why counselors have a rule not to get involved with clients. So don't be 100% open and share, don't rub your dirty laundry in their face...... it can be as distasteful as it sounds. However, you must be 100% honest - if they ask - you must tell - at least one little thing about a subject. Love is tied directly to trust levels - if trust goes down, love is dragged down with it. Never lie, it's poison to a relationship. Agreed.

blah_user_name

Joined: 8/27/2011

Msg: 10 (view)

Guys in pictures with women, Good or Bad? Posted: 3/20/2013 8:52:52 AM
Doesn't bother me but I think it might be wise to clarify that the hot woman you are draped around is your sister rather than leaving the viewer wondering if it's the mother of your 6 children, who was the love of your life, who you lost in a tragic accident, who you have a shrine for in your home, whose photo is in your wallet and all over the walls of your house - blown up to life size, who you still set a place for at the table etc.

Blah_User_Name

Joined: 8/27/2011

Msg: 2 (view)

Women judging you by the company you keep Posted: 3/20/2013 5:13:03 AM
To an extent, we are all judged by the company we keep. As an extreme example, being friends with a lot of people who are involved in criminal activity will always have an impact on how others judge you. It's far easier when partners and friends can along as it doesn't mean social events which include both, aren't strained. No one looks forward to spending time in the company of those they don't like. That said, I don't feel it's necessary to like all of the friends a potential partner has - they are his friends, not mine. Likewise, I am sure some of my nut bar friends aren't going to get along with everyone I could possibly date. What is necessary are boundaries where neither side is disrespectful of the other. I can be civil to people I don't like just because they happen to be friends of those who do matter to me but the courtesy is expected to reciprocated. I think, if your friends are just promiscuous rather than generally not being nice people, it's less of an issue, providing they don't keep trying to pull you into their habits. That is something which a partner can only get a feel for over time. One of the key elements to making this work, is them having clear boundaries and not hitting on your GF all the time, as that isn't normally well received. Few women want to be hit on by their partners buddies each time they happen to meet.

Blah_User_Name

Joined: 8/27/2011

Msg: 2 (view)

hidden profiles visible in new Distance feature? Posted: 3/20/2013 4:40:49 AM
It's my understanding that a hidden profile is removed from searches. That's the whole benefit of hiding. It's instant. So any screen which is a search screen will not show your profile if it's hidden. HOWEVER, anyone you have communicated with in the last 29 days (and not blocked) will be able to see if you are online from the list of My Conversations at the top of their Inbox, anyone you have added as a Favorite will be able to see you are on-line and if you appear in any of the lists generated by the system (Contacts, Most Attracted, etc.) because that is not a search, you will still be shown. EDIT - The new Distance List which you mention, although shown under the Search options, isn't actually a search but a system generated list of "Nearest Users Online within 3 hours, sorted by distance. Based on postal/zip code data. " As you would usually show under a system generated list, I suspect you might still show here. I know one person near me who has a hidden profile so I'll watch my list and come back and let you know if he shows on here later today.

blah_user_name

Joined: 8/27/2011

Msg: 39 (view)

Open Relationships Posted: 3/20/2013 3:17:55 AM
We did have a closed relationship at one point. We have been together almost 5 years. I told him that I didnt like the idea but I would keep an open mind to it. I understand this is just a couple of sentences and a lot of information/discussion likely happened above and beyond these comments, but really. This sounds to me like you were an exclusive couple, something happened and maybe a discussion about where the relationship was headed occurred, and he raised this option. You said you'd keep an open mind, not "Hell, yeah" and he took that as a green light to whip out his junk whenever he wanted, and you were left like a deer in the headlights thinking WTF happened there. You know this isn't an open relationship. Not by any measure. This is a situation where he wants to bang any one he feels like and come home to supper on the table from you. He likely knew you well enough to understand the 'open' side of this would only apply to him. It's got a pretty sweet deal really. Wife/life-partner doing all the wife/life-partner things for him. Likely working to contribute financially to his home. He can run around like a teen crazed on hormones, not follow the traditional expectations of someone in a commitment relationship but have all the benefits. If he doesn't care enough about you to consider your views, needs, feelings, he's not going to suddenly fall into your realm of what a relationship should entail. How long are you willing to live this way? 5 years, 10, 20? Do you want a lifetime of this?

blah_user_name

Joined: 8/27/2011

Msg: 7 (view)

I can't edit/remove pictures Posted: 3/19/2013 5:58:30 PM
Do you really think, the owner of a multi million dollar site, is going to reply to your e-mail about uploading images? Especially when you are breaching the rules you agreed to when you joined his site? You can try and e-mail Customer support but it's my understanding that previously the statement has been made, that POF staff won't answer messages when the answers are here on the forums. E-Mail Address is : csr@pof.com Other than that try doing a thread search : Thread Search Instructions http://forums.plentyoffish.com/datingPosts3752061.aspx#3752696 This might be a useful starting point : FAQ: Pictures or Images - How to Upload Them http://forums.plentyoffish.com/datingPosts2846212.aspx Essentially you upload your images, and then mark them as private but be aware, private images are subject to exact same rules as the public ones and are checked using the same processes too.

blah_user_name

Joined: 8/27/2011

Msg: 4 (view)

Any ladies here really looking for a friend? Posted: 3/19/2013 5:50:16 PM
No, the vast majority of people on a dating site (not all) are looking for dates and some are hoping those dates turn into more. Very few come looking for friends. Why, when you were with you last girlfriend for 8 years, did you join here 12/4/2011? Where you looking for friends then too? And if you were, and it didn't work, what are you expecting to be different this time around?

blah_user_name

Joined: 8/27/2011

Msg: 3 (view)

showing pictures of myself in sports garb.yes or no? Posted: 3/19/2013 2:47:06 PM
I like it when someone's photos support their claims about their pass-times. In fact, I find it odd when someone has several activities detailed on their profile and yet all their photos show them sitting on the couch with empty chip packages surrounding them. However, it is a balance. Just as no photos supporting interests can raise a question mark, so can having all eight images showing the profile owner jumping out of planes, staking a flag at the top of a mountain in Peru, white-water rafting etc. To me, that shows someone who is very, very physically active which can be intimidating to us mere mortals but also makes me wonder if they ever slow down and relax too. So, if you publish a solid 6-8 images and no more than a couple show your sporting interests, I think it's probably a good thing, as at least we can see you are being genuine.

Blah_User_Name

Joined: 8/27/2011

Msg: 4 (view)

Why do women really post sexy pictures? Posted: 3/19/2013 2:16:13 PM
JMO, but it's because they have yet to develop their personalities and their self-esteem. We all make sure that we present what we view as our strong points. Those who are naturally funny, tend to have funny profiles. Those who are materialistic, tend to present their homes, cars, boats. Those who are family orientated, include images or references to their children/grandchildren. When I see a profile filled with cleavage images (or shirtless for the male version), it speaks of someone who is insecure in themselves and their achievements and who depends on their looks to gain attention/validation. It's a useful tool as for me, it tells me who to avoid.

blah_user_name

Joined: 8/27/2011

Msg: 16 (view)

Open Relationships Posted: 3/19/2013 12:39:41 PM
I don't pretend to understand Open Relationships, I just don't get it. I absolutely have no issue accepting it is the choice of others however, IMO, if it's to work, then you really both have to be on the same page. It doesn't sound to me like you are and it doesn't seem that you are able to voice your view and have it heard and considered or respected. That's not an Open Relationship, or even a relationship really. It's your partner taking the piss by shagging anyone he wants based on a term he's got you to psuedo agree to, even though it's not what you want. I'm not sure why you'd want to hold onto someone who has a vastly different view to your own and who engages in what is likely high risk sexual behavior. Advice? Only to know that just picking up and leaving isn't the end of the World. That the wrong one is the wrong one. And that there's more to life than being able to apply to word Relationship to the labels which describe you especially when it's not meeting your needs. You can't control him but you can control you.

blah_user_name

Joined: 8/27/2011

Msg: 4 (view)

Walking on egg shells Posted: 3/19/2013 10:54:25 AM
Would you say there is a fine line between confidence and**ness? Yes - Confidence is knowing you look good naked without the need to take your clothes off and constantly prove it.**ness is when you think your looks are enough to make someone ignore a crappy personality. I feel when it comes to meeting a new potential date, it's like walking on egg shells. Trying to not say/do the wrong thing. That's because you are trying to manipulate an outcome of meeting into being what you determine you would like it to be. If you are just yourself, and show the real you, that would award someone a level of respect which permits them to decide if they are interested in the real you rather than a persona you are presenting in the hope of being chosen. Any advice? (Being myself is for when I'm comfortable with the person) Yes. Put a shirt on so you are attracting people who like you for who you are not the packaging. Be your true self from the beginning because if she starts dating you based on a fake representation, she might determine she doesn't like the real you when you show her the truth. That would have been a waste of everyone's time, wouldn't it?

blah_user_name

Joined: 8/27/2011

Msg: 18 (view)

Am I Ugly? BE HONEST! Posted: 3/19/2013 10:12:38 AM
No, it'll stay because it's in AAG. Did you do know that women have different functionality then men and so, when they look at your profile, we can see the last five forum posts your made, including these snippy ones? Might be worth considering, as you move forward.

blah_user_name

Joined: 8/27/2011

Msg: 5 (view)

physical attractiveness vs personality Posted: 3/19/2013 9:13:51 AM
Three or four sentences is enough. Try and have one question which gives her a way to reply, if she want to. The reality it doesn't much matter what you say - it's who the message comes from which is the deciding factor in whether she will respond. i.e. if she's not interested, there's nothing your message can say to change that. Sure, a well written unique message might have more chance of a reply but if she's not interest, all that reply will say is 'Thanks for your lovely message but no thanks'.

blah_user_name

Joined: 8/27/2011

Msg: 4 (view)

How to Cancel Subscription? Posted: 3/19/2013 8:44:56 AM
My membership was extended without my consent....But POF abused my trust by charge my credit card for another three months. No it wasn't. In fact, quite the opposite - you gave them your full consent when taking out that initial membership otherwise you would not have been able to proceed with your subscription. It's an automatic renewal which you agreed to and which, if you did not want, it was on you to opt out of. When you upgraded and agreed to the Terms of Service, you will have seen within them that at the end of the term, subscriptions are automatically renewed and if you did not want this to happen, you needed to opt out of them There is a box you clicked on as part of the upgrade process which said "I agree with the terms and understand that this upgrade is non-refundable. " and the word "terms" provided a link to the Terms of Service here : http://www.pof.com/terms.aspx Had you read them vs clicking on the check box and just saying you agreed to them, you would have seen :- Automatic Renewal Paid Memberships are subscriptions. After your initial subscription commitment period, and again after any subsequent subscription period, your subscription will automatically continue for an additional equivalent period, at the price you agreed to when subscribing. You agree that your account will be subject to this automatic renewal feature. If you do not wish your account to renew automatically, or if you want to change or terminate your subscription, please log in and go your Account page and opt out of automatic renewal of your purchase. If you opt out of automatic renewal after your purchase, you may use your subscription until the end of your then-current subscription term; your subscription will not be renewed after your then-current term expires. You won’t be eligible for a prorated refund of any portion of the subscription fee paid for the then-current subscription period. Paid Memberships cannot be transferred to any other account. By subscribing to the Paid Membership, you authorize Plentyoffish to bill the credit card you provided now and again at the beginning of any subsequent subscription period. You also authorize Plentyoffish to charge you for any sales or similar taxes that may be imposed on your subscription payments. Reaffirmation of Authorization Your non-termination or continued use of the Paid Memberships reaffirms that Plentyoffish is authorized to charge the credit card information provided. Plentyoffish may submit those charges for payment and you will be responsible for such charges. This does not waive Plentyoffish’s right to seek payment directly from you. Your charges may be payable in advance, in arrears, per usage, or as otherwise described when you initially subscribed to the Paid Memberships. This message here and another one I have sent to POF yesterday which I have printed and have copy will be my proof of this sad situation. It's not proof of a sad situation other than you not reading what you were signing up for and not following the steps you agreed to take if decided against renewal. Can the computer guys get back to me on this question please These are user forums and not a route to contact POF staff unfortunately. The only means to do that is via Customer Support's E-mail Address which you say you have already contacted.

blah_user_name

Joined: 8/27/2011

Msg: 2 (view)

Light brown profiles on Ultra Match and Chemistry Match Posted: 3/19/2013 8:22:37 AM
They belong to upgraded members. If you open them and look at the profile, most of the time you will see the upgraded symbol (although they can opt to hide that). Another way to sometimes tell is if they have more than 8 images which only upgraded members can have.

blah_user_name

Joined: 8/27/2011

Msg: 2 (view)

physical attractiveness vs personality Posted: 3/19/2013 8:08:03 AM
Most people only get a few replies to the messages they send. Don't think it's just you. Dating is a unique relationship which if the personalities mesh well, has the potential for a sexual relationship but that also requires some level of attraction. Few of us get into relationships with the head turning lookers but those we do have a relationship with are attractive to us. It's the looks which determine interest but it's the personalities which keep us with our partners. How you get that initial attention is the million dollar question. It's not in your control. What appeals to one person will not be appealing to the next. None of us can make someone like us or be attracted to us, however much we would like them to be. Certainly, there are ways to present yourself which might help appeal to a larger audience initially but that wider audience might not include your match, in fact, the steps you take to 'improve' your profile might just be the steps which make her bypass you. Meeting your partner is all down to chance. It needs both of you to be in the right place at the same time, both of you to be single, both of you to recognize one another and both of you to be emotionally available. Just be yourself. When someone who is interested in the real you shows up, whether that be here or somewhere else, then she'll encourage you. Until then relax and accept that this isn't in your control.

blah_user_name

Joined: 8/27/2011

Msg: 5 (view)

Not Sure How To Handle This Posted: 3/19/2013 7:45:54 AM
If you are interested in meeting her vs being her on line chat buddy (which is seems she's not going to facilitate) set a date and make plans to meet. Lots of people on here want to chat for ever and it sounds to me like she's had her fill of them. She's not mad, she's very clear that she wants to meet and so, if you are equally as interested, what's stopping you? If you are hoping to get to know her better before a meeting, I think she'll move on as she's made s clear she's not going to do that.

Blah_User_Name

Joined: 8/27/2011

Msg: 6 (view)

What would be a reason for no second date? Posted: 3/19/2013 6:47:27 AM
You are Plan B. Not interesting enough to arrange a second date with but not a complete right-off unless someone better shows up, which he's hoping will happen.

Blah_User_Name

Joined: 8/27/2011

Msg: 2 (view)

Should I sent a second message, if no reply? Posted: 3/19/2013 6:36:00 AM
No reply means no interest. I don't see the harm in sending a follow up message a few days later but many do. If they aren't interested first look, and you know they looked, then they aren't going to be interested just because you said hello again.

blah_user_name

Joined: 8/27/2011

Msg: 7 (view)

Am I Ugly? BE HONEST! Posted: 3/19/2013 3:48:24 AM
How is having the opinion of 20 people who use the forums, going to help you? It's highly unlikely that anyone who responds is in your area and so, what's the benefit? At most, you gain the knowledge that 20 people don't find you ugly but that doesn't help you in finding your potential mate. Anyone of us can stand in a room and some of the others in there might find us attractive and others won't. You already know that's how it works. Rather than worry about what some people scattered around the World might think of your looks, why not focus on those in your area who might be interested in dating you. Anyone else's view is rather irrelevant really. Some people will come to this thread and tell you how handsome you are simply because it's what you seem to need to hear. Others might come and tell you that you're butt ugly just because it seems like you need some external validation which it's no one's job to provide. Even once you get your 20 opinions, you have no idea if those who answered are being honest or not.

blah_user_name

Joined: 8/27/2011

Msg: 7 (view)

Breaking any rules?? Posted: 3/19/2013 3:35:06 AM
Reading you post, it does strike me that he views you like a sister who he gets on well with. I fully understand the information you have provided is a summary only but there's nothing there which suggests anything more. I grew up in a smallish town and have a couple of pseudo brothers. Two brothers who are a little older that me, who watched over me, let me cry on their shoulders in my teen years, offered advice, stuck up for me, teased me and made sure I always got home safely. Even when they married and had their own families, I could drop by their homes unannounced and was always welcome and as I have sons, it was always nice to 'borrow' one of their daughters and do those girly things. If out with these men, they would often buy a drink, or treat me to supper, or do the things that brothers do. Maybe my experiences with this are clouding my view of your post but to me, it reads very much the same. An established relationship of friendship/pseudo family where there is genuine care, love and concern but nothing romantic. I do wonder if you just have a little crush on him because you are both single, because you know him so well and because, you know he's safe and would never hurt you. If you truly believe it's more than that, then you need to consider that if this is one sided, is it worth ruining?

best_user_name_ever

Joined: 8/27/2011

Msg: 2 (view)

FAQ: How To Quote, Bold, Italicize and Underline your text - Practice Thread Posted: 3/18/2013 6:01:34 PM
Test Another test [u]And one more[/u] Final one

import_from_uk

Joined: 8/27/2011

Msg: 4 (view)

Transitioning with older children after divorce Posted: 3/18/2013 7:53:57 AM
Well done for managing to get to a working relationship with you ex, as a parent. It's the ideal many of us would wish for but so few achieve. I think, because it's rarely accomplished, others aren't quite sure how to react to it. I can understand why your girlfriend is uneasy as you have a long history with you ex yet she is still very much part of your current life but I don't think it's as extreme as what you have now or breaking of communications, there is some middle ground. You will always be co-parents to your children, regardless of their ages and it must be comforting for them not to have to guard their conversation around their parents, and to know that if you and their mother are in the presence of one another, there is no animosity. You lives are tied together and at some stage you might have weddings and Christenings to attend. Ultimately, it's about finding a balance. Finding that happy place between your past life which will always have some connections to your future but also in moving forward in a manner respect of current partners. Perhaps the answer is to restrict your conversations to family matters and not to present your ex as one of your close friends. Maybe a conversation or two with your current partner to understand where her comfort level lies, would be a good starting point.

import_from_uk

Joined: 8/27/2011

Msg: 2 (view)

Request To Provide Ethnicity Search For Upgraded / Premium Members Posted: 3/18/2013 4:01:18 AM
If you know this has been requested a thousand times before, why not add your request to those thousand threads rather than create yet another one? Adding a filter, which identifies all those willing to date your race/ethnicity will require the entire user base to update their profiles to reflect that information before a filter will provide any data for you. But this is just one element on which you, and anyone else, might be rejected. This site is designed so it does require surplus effort as it's revenue stream is generated by you remaining on here as long as possible, moving around the system, checking out profiles and making contact with many - all which exposes you to ads. Streamlining any element, reduces your time here and reduces the revenue. What this site does, is provide you with enough functionality to get the job done and it's not in the interests of the owner to make it slick. It's a fine balance between you being able to achieve the goal of making contact without being too inconvenient that users become frustrated and leave, on masse.

import_from_uk

Joined: 8/27/2011

Msg: 20 (view)

Why Are All My Dates Financially Broke? Posted: 3/18/2013 3:28:58 AM
I think you aren't being selective enough in those you date. As you have now identified that this is a situation you would like to avoid, it might be prudent to learn a bit more about these women before arranging a date. This isn't a gender specific issue. There are plenty of men who feel that when dating a woman whose disposable income is better managed than their own, that they should get a free ride too. Learn to filter out people based on what is important to you.

import_from_uk

Joined: 8/27/2011

Msg: 2 (view)

Dealing with the pre-teenager... Posted: 3/18/2013 3:07:56 AM
I can understand why she struggles with her 6 year old cousin as that's a massive age gap in terms of development so perhaps it's time for her to find new friends to interact with or a larger pool of friends. That's part of life. She is going to need that skill set anyway because we often change direction and as a result of that, leave behind some people and develop new relationships. I think, what she's currently doing has become stale and she needs something new to catch her interest. That said, you may not be in a position to find the answer and more so, it might have to come from her. Being a parent is not about finding solutions to each new phase your child reaches but instead in guiding her to find solutions herself. Perhaps she has some school friends who are her own age and who might be more suitable than her cousin to interact with. Does she get the opportunity to mix with these friends outside school hours? My sons are 16 and 13. As I look at their friends, there are only one or two who have been steady since their early days at Elementary school. Others they have met through their social activities, or through Junior High and High School. And although they each seem to have a fairly stable group of peers now, the dynamics within those groups frequently chance resulting in one individual being here more for a period of time and then that dying off a bit and another member of the group stepping up and taking that best friend/close friend position. The solution to this has to come from her but you can facilitate that some by offering to have a school friend of hers for supper or to join you one weekend on a trip to the movies or whatever you and your daughter would normally do. Another option would be to see if she's interested in joining a new group such as a seasonal sport team. You can give her the opportunity to be exposed to new friends or to develop a deeper friendship with someone she selects who she doesn't mix with frequently but ultimately, she has to make the effort to seek peers of her own age. In terms of her changing emotional moods - you just have to ride that out. Hormonal children aren't always the most pleasant to be around and can be very frustrating but it's hardly their fault. Learn to take a deep breath, count to 3 (or a hundred), not react emotionally to their emotions and hold on for the ride! Keep sane by recognizing those fleeting moments when the child you know peeks through the hormones and by remembering that although this stage lasts a few years, it is just a stage and much of her ability to deal with it will come from the example you set.

import_from_uk

Joined: 8/27/2011

Msg: 19 (view)

Does a guy always have to have a car for a long lasting relationship Posted: 3/17/2013 5:20:52 PM
I didn't contradict myself. Your failure to understand my post is just that. EDIT - So it's off-putting to women. And it's off-putting to men too. As I said, it's off-putting. I also said 'to MANY' - as unlike some, I wouldn't presume that my view was shared by all. But you keep on arguing and failing to make a valid point, if that makes you happy. It's telling about who you are. If you're fast, you can re-edit your post (msg 21), and include some punctuation so the words form a coherent sentence. You can then pretend it was there all along. It's this one. It is not essential for most cases where you feel it is again you are wrong, check mate. No, you just think you are right. And in a few days, when you come back and re-read this thread properly, paying attention to the words and punctuation, you might comprehend just how foolish you look, arguing your mis-interpretation of my posts. You have fun with that. In the meantime, I'll reply to the OP's message which he sent directly to me, as he seems to fully comprehend my post and seems to think they have validity. He doesn't seem to be struggling with my comments. Perhaps, he can assist you later. Good luck with the movie career. Sounds great. I'm betting it's behind the scenes but drama and theatrics seems an ideal choice.

import_from_uk

Joined: 8/27/2011

Msg: 17 (view)

Does a guy always have to have a car for a long lasting relationship Posted: 3/17/2013 3:19:11 PM
WRONG. You said Yes after quoting his question about having a car being essential then said no and explained why it isn't. You SAID yes but you MEAN no. Let me help you with that. Original Question which I quoted in Msg 2 "is that is owning a car an essential for dating in most cases." My answer in Msg 2 "Yes because in most cases, women are put off with the expectation that they will provide a free cab service to a random stranger off the internet. If they don't do this, dates are restricted to the time schedule and location of public transport. ...." Conclusion - YES most of the time it's essential. Therefore answer was YES as I stated. I further explained that it might be grossly unfair. That being the only driver gets old fast. And that if he wasn't going to be dependent on his date for transportation, it might be worth making that clear. In Msg 6, I explained how I would view dating someone without their own vehicle. And to dispute your presumption that just as I don't expect to drive strangers around, nor would I find it acceptable if the roles were reversed. In Msg 13 I stated that although a car was not always needed (because I am sure some women will be fine with it) most cases it will be off putting. I said dating someone without a car is not appealing to either gender. So I said YES it was off putting and I meant YES it was off-putting. Funny how that works. Regardless of gender? I explained that in MOST cases it is off-putting IF they expectation is that he will be chauffeured around continually by his date. That is not appealing to MOST people, regardless of gender. I saw no incorparation of "regardless of gender" like you newly stated but, I did see, WOMEN will be off put by it. Again Contradictory and changing your views mid post. Another point about that is once again no where was it said anyone was EXPECTING free rides. Throw out the "if''s" If they have kids, if they have dispoable income, guess what "most cases" that doesn't apply here. God love you. You really do struggle, don't you? Let's make that clearer as your head can't quite cope or your choosing to misunderstand intentionally just to argue for arguing sake. "I explained that in MOST cases it is off-putting IF they expectation is that he will be chauffeured around continually by his date. That is not appealing to MOST people, regardless of gender." or how about "I explained that in MOST cases it is off-putting IF they expectation is that he will be chauffeured around continually by his date. (I don't think it's appealing to MOST people, regardless of gender)." I did not claim that I'd said this obvious fact sooner. I thought someone with basic understanding and common sense would see that when I wrote "I explained.........And then finished the sentence which recapped my explanation, the new sentence was not necessarily part of the same explanation. I was forgetting who I was addressing so won't make such sweeping presumptions in future, especially with one who I know is trying to be argumentative. Since you are deliberately choosing to show yourself up, I'll leave you to get on with it.

import_from_uk

Joined: 8/27/2011

Msg: 13 (view)

Does a guy always have to have a car for a long lasting relationship Posted: 3/17/2013 7:32:35 AM
Imagineour - You said expecting people to be your transport is going to be an issue. Where did anyone say they "expect" someone to give them rides when one cannot drive? Try to leave out the hypothesis and assumptions. You seem unable to follow a comment properly so I'll try and explain. I said expecting a ride is off-putting to many. I said people who have experienced that, might be wary. I said that if this didn't apply to him, to consider explaining it. I did not say that he WAS expecting a ride. Comprehension 101 starts at 1pm, feel free to join the class as you often appear to struggle. The original question, as quoted in my original reply was "is that is owning a car an essential for dating in most cases." My answer to that question was "Yes because in most cases..." I DID NOT say a car was always needed, I explained that in MOST cases it is off-putting IF they expectation is that he will be chauffeured around continually by his date. That is not appealing to MOST people, regardless of gender. Maybe I didn't read where he said, since I can't drive for medical reason my date MUST DRIVE ME. You are also assuming he is going to be "dependant" and "need running around." Again did not say he expects that of someone. I am not assuming anything which is why I responded with my view about why those who do expect a ride are sometimes bypassed, and further explained that if he doesn't always expect a ride, he should consider making that clear. I did not see a MUST DRIVE ME comment or imagine there was one which again, is why I commented on clarifying for those who might be put-off back the lack of a car, if this was not an expectation. Oh and you know absolutely nothing of the women I date No assumption made here either - instead comments made from the information you provided. Are you now saying that you lied?

import_from_uk

Joined: 8/27/2011

Msg: 6 (view)

Does a guy always have to have a car for a long lasting relationship Posted: 3/16/2013 6:38:07 PM
Imagineour - But they are sure turned on when they are dating someone with the expectation that they will be receiving free cab service to a random stranger off the internet. In other words it's ok for a woman to not have a car but for a man it's "dependant and need running around from the get go." Maybe that's why I picked up all those "carless" women or not having one seems to not make someone dateworthy. Grossly unfair...what do you mean might be? It is not "essential" so NO.Long distance relationships it helps, as well as transit from A to B for date and gettogether locations. I'm guessing since you quoted me rather than the OP, that those comments we aimed this way. Not sure what's got your panties in a bunch of late that you feel compelled to follow me around the forums and argue with my view at every opportunity, but hey, whatever floats your boat. I can't comment on all the carless women you picked up - other than to state that was entirely your choice and likely the decision to continue the pattern suggests that it wasn't an issue for you. I wouldn't be 'turned on' at the thought of being driven around and certainly would not have that expectation. Again, that says more about the women you date, and again, not sure why you felt this needed to be aimed this way because you are so far off the mark. I don't expect to be picked up. I like the comfort of having my own vehicle to get me to dates, especially initially because I like to know if something is off, I am not dependent on anyone to get home safely. I don't like the way some people who don't have a car, presume that my car becomes theirs if we date. If a grown adult of any gender, has a need for a car frequently, then they need to address that rather than presume others will take on the responsibility of getting them where they need to be. Just as I have a need for a car and so ensure I have one. Women with children who are younger than mine, will likely be paying for a child minder during a date. So again, driving 45 mins out of their way to pick someone up and then 45 mins out of their way to drop someone off, adds to the child minders fee. The going rate around here, is $5.00 per full or part hour, per child. So, a date of three hours or more, plus an hour an a half extra driving, is $50 gone before they have even contributed to the cost of the date. OP - I almost forgot about that thread, I just thought I make this into just one question. If anyone remembers why I can't drive then you will understand why the lack of a car is a great concern from my prospective. I don't mind explaining to you why I can't drive. at this point not having a car seems to be a bigger problem than I anticipated. The scale of this problem will depend on how you are able to get around without a car. If you live somewhere which has a good public transport system, it will be less of an issue than if you live in the sticks. How do you currently get around? If you are expecting your date to be your transport, then that's going to be an issue - for any gender. It's not the responsibility of a stranger to provide your transportation. If you have a means of getting to where you need to be punctually, it will be less of an issue.

import_from_uk

Joined: 8/27/2011

Msg: 3 (view)

Is Interest/Values Compatibility Dependent on Economic Class? Posted: 3/16/2013 5:57:38 PM
What advice would you give a man/woman who is considering pursuing someone of a vastly different economic class with whom they might otherwise be compatible? Pursuing is always a bad idea, IMO. To me, that rings of having to persuade someone to take interest. Having a relationship with a compatible person when both parties are equally interested, is an entirely different situation, even if they are viewed as being of a different class. My mother came from a very wealthy family. Privately educated in a convent boarding school from 6 to 18, private nannies, a staff in the family home, you get the idea. My Dad, erm, not so much! The youngest child of a single mum who remarried when he was 14, he was told to join up in RAF cadets because his step-father could afford to feed him. Two people with hugely different upbringings and experiences and yet, in two weeks time, it will be their 49th wedding anniversary. For me, having close ties with both sides of the family who obviously live very differently, I don't think pursing would have worked. My father approached my mother as an equal and she accepted him as that. Class didn't come into it, personalities and common values did.

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Joined: 8/27/2011

Msg: 2 (view)

Does a guy always have to have a car for a long lasting relationship Posted: 3/16/2013 5:11:04 PM
is that is owning a car an essential for dating in most cases. Yes because in most cases, women are put off with the expectation that they will provide a free cab service to a random stranger off the internet. If they don't do this, dates are restricted to the time schedule and location of public transport. Yay - nothing says 'Pick Me' like someone whose gonna be dependent and need running around from the get-go! That might be grossly unfair but it is a frequent consequence of dating someone without their own car and so it's easier to avoid that situation then keep embracing it. I think many of us have been in a situation of needing to drive out of our way to pick someone up, to go on a date, and then have to drive them home. It just gets old fast. And gas isn't cheap. If you are dating a young woman who likely has limited disposable income, chances are that car is sucking up most of her funds. The extra gas money when only one person drives can be hard and one might presume, with you being a full time student, that you aren't going to be able to chip in with that cost. If you are able to get to locations on your own, not have your dating schedule affected by last bus home, etc, I'd consider explaining that in your profile.

import_from_uk

Joined: 8/27/2011

Msg: 7 (view)

changing your age! Posted: 3/16/2013 5:07:36 PM
^^Did you not bother reading any of the above posts? It cannot be changed after the couple of week window has passed after your account was created. How do you manage to type in such a vastly wrong DOB in error? Only option is to delete your account and begin again.

import_from_uk

Joined: 8/27/2011

Msg: 104 (view)

Y can i not post Posted: 3/16/2013 4:58:25 PM
EDIT - Sorry, I paused mid-response to chat on the phone so didn't see the above replies until after finishing my post and posting it. licoricecat_1 - What a garbled mess these posts are! 'Message is to short to post' is given to all of us if our message is too short. A Yes or No answer isn't sufficient for anyone to be deemed as contributing in any way. Yes, some of your threads get deleted by the community. Based on those I can recall, it's likely because they come across as attention seeking or are redundant. Attention seeking is when you aren't asking for an opinion or a question but more so reciting an experience. Redundancy is when it's an often repeated question - it might be a slightly different guise but essentially the gist is the same as a thousand other threads previously made. In terms of issuing warnings about others, it's pretty pointless without a name and you aren't allowed to name people here so why try and warn people - that might be considered a Pity Thread if construed as 'Oh this horrible situation happened to me and I'm letting you all know not to go near a brown haired man in Loserville`. There is no benefit in that statement for anyone, so it can come across you wanting people to feel sorry for you and the experience you had. It doesn't matter if you feel it's justifiable, the owner of this site does not agree with you and therefore he has rules. You agreed when signing up here to follow his rules if playing in his house. You asked for clarification on Polls. This is the definition in the Posting Guidelines :- Polls/Lists/Surveys where you're only asked to add to a list has no back and forth discussion potential between you and the participants. All that said - you are also asking how to get back to the Forums. It used to be, when on a ban and trying to post, a screen is shown stating why you are banned, the Moderator who actioned the ban and how long the ban is for. Are you seeing this? Or perhaps these are no longer used. If you are seeing this, contact by private message, the Moderator shown on that screen. You say that you have written several times to inquire why you were banned. Who did you write to? If you are contacting Customer Service, it's my understanding that they don't get involved in forum issues especially bans and restrictions. Try contacting the Moderators particularly the Moderator who applied the ban if you know who it was. Sidenote - STOP changing the thread titles mid-thread! serious1y - How long ago did you message a Moderator? They are volunteers and have their own lives, families, careers. If your message was sent in the last 24 hours, it might be that they haven't been on here since you sent it. They aren't here 24x7. Also, if they do have a couple of hours to spend here, I would imagine their priority is dealing with any Violations and checking their messages sometimes won't occur if there are lots of other issues for them to address in a short period of time. Sorry but no, there isn't anyone else to ask. Only a Moderator would be able to look and tell you. Just sit tight. They'll respond when they can (providing your message was polite).

import_from_uk

Joined: 8/27/2011

Msg: 3 (view)

Advice on casting my net in the real world too Posted: 3/16/2013 2:55:56 PM
- I'm 22 - On POF for a while, noticed I can get conversations started but they suddenly stop without explanation quite often. - I want to try and meet people in real life as well as here, why not try both? - My life is quite simplistic and the only options I can think of to meet girls are on public transportation - Any advice in regards to the anxiety in approaching girls, or hints on how to start and keep a conversation going // naturally flowing, and what the biggest signs they'd be receptive to my approach would be most appreciated. It's going to sound cliche but join some groups. They don't need to be expensive activity groups like salsa dancing or gym memberships but join some community groups. Conversational skills require practice and to practice you need people to talk to. By choosing communities groups which have a common interest, you have a way to break the ice with the new people you meet. It' far easier to meet people who have common interests if you attend a group filled with people who have a common interest. Sounds so obvious but it's true. I'm not promising you will meet your potential partner there but you will get more comfortable in speaking to people you don't know. And normally, these groups tend to spin off into groups of friends who meet outside of the usual group meetings too. Those people have friends, daughters, neighbors and before you know it, you've got a whole new social circle. I think meeting people IRL and here is the way to go. To me, this is just another community group filled with people with a common interest - the hope of making a connection and meeting a potential partner. One more tool. Like you, I don't meet many people at work. I work from my house and so I have no adult interaction during the day. I know whilst I'm inside these four walls the chances of me meeting anyone are zero and therefore, I have to make the effort to go out and mix once the work day is done. Think about subjects which interest you and find a community group that shares the same interest - there are all sorts. Walking group, photography groups, groups for people new to the area, groups for organizing events in the community, groups dealing with Summer fetes in your area. If you can think of it, there's normally a group which deals with it.

import_from_uk

Joined: 8/27/2011

Msg: 15 (view)

Age Equals Experience Posted: 3/16/2013 10:52:14 AM
I'm not sure I'd be offended but it would likely deter me from continuing any communication. Maybe I'm a prude but I don't think the details of my sexuality are any one's business but mine and someone I have decided to be intimate with. To share this information with those I know casually, or those I haven't even met, isn't going to happen. I at least expect to have met someone and have an idea if there's any attraction and therefore a view as to if this person is even a potential partner before sharing such information. Jeez, I don't even give these details to friends I've had for decades so why would I give them out to someone I've never met? Just because we are both on a dating site and hoping to find a partner, it isn't automatic entitlement to these details. It's not very intimate if giving all that information to people I don't even know, is it? And I don't buy that "I need to know if we're compatible BS". Words on a screen give no indication of that at all. The person on the other end of the conversation could be lying or just gathering intimate data for shits and giggles. We aren't compatible unless there is mutual attraction. We aren't compatible unless we click in person. We aren't compatible if they think sending me a couple of messages is enough for me to share personal, intimate information before even meeting. There is no means to test compatibility until the time comes. I have to add, the question of "Are you sexual?" might means a vast array of things. - Are you currently having sex? - Have you had sex this week? - What are the odds of us having sex? - Do you have a high sex drive? - When in a relationship, how important is sex? - Are you sexual with everyone or just those you deem important? The more I think about your question, the more it feels like a measure or test. I hate that crap. And it's rather presumptuous for him to presume that he will invoke that reaction from you.

import_from_uk

Joined: 8/27/2011

Msg: 10 (view)

Leaders and Followers Posted: 3/16/2013 8:01:44 AM
We each have some skills which come naturally and other skills which need to be developed. I think it is possible to teach someone to be a leader in a certain situation as in a work environment but that won't make them a natural leader in all aspects of their life. Teaching someone to be something they aren't a natural at takes time, and patience, the willingness to learn (from the person being taught), practice and the opportunity to learn from their own mistakes along the way. We all learn more from our mistakes than we do from our direct successes. It's unrealistic to expect someone to perform a new role without getting it wrong at times. Teaching someone to lead, requires small steps. Breaking down the role so each element can be mastered before the next aspect is introduced. Learning and teaching this way allows them to build their confidence in their own abilities along the way. And don't forget to praise and recognize her strengths so it's not all negative. But in answer to your question, yes it can be taught. Some people take longer to learn it, some people once they begin to master each aspect which the role requires, will suddenly get it and others will always have to focus and concentrate on some parts of the job. Not everyone is a natural learner but everyone can be taught. It's a case of finding how they learn best. She also needs to clearly understand what you expect of her - long term. If you want her not to tattle about others and deal with it, she needs to know that ultimately, this is going to be her responsibility. Once she understands that, she will need to know that initially, she can come to you as an advisory when these situations arise. You need to be available to hear about the situation but not to jump in and resolve it. Instead ask questions and let her figure out the answer during the private conversation with you. As an example - if she's coming to you with a complaint that someone is constantly late, don't you deal with it. Instead ask her what she thinks should be done. Guide her to the answers. Suppose the usual policy would be that this staff member was warned that this isn't acceptable. Guide your struggling member of staff into that conclusion. Guide her into the understanding that a discussion will be required. Make sure she realizes that she needs to be properly prepared for that discussion and have supporting documentation for the complaint - time cards or whatever is available. Get her to think about how she is going to inform the staff member of this meeting to discuss the issue, what statements she needs to make, how to clearly outline the complaint and the expected improvement, how long this will be monitored for improvement, what happens if a change doesn't happen. Have a mock conversation to help her prepare if needed. Then let her handle it as you practiced. You can attend the meeting as an observer but also as back up if she struggles. And then have a de-brief afterwards. How did she feel it went? If it didn't go well, why not and what would she do differently next time. Ask the questions which she needs to think about. This might seem painful but if you invest the time in her, she will learn. She just needs guidance and support along the way.

import_from_uk

Joined: 8/27/2011

Msg: 4 (view)

Ladies' PoF Browsing Strategies Posted: 3/15/2013 5:56:38 PM
Anyway all this got me wondering what kind of "browsing strategies" the girls on this use to find guys they might be attracted to. Do you search? Do you just scroll through the matches PoF offers you? Do you just go through your inbox to respond to the guys who have already sent the first email? I search based on the criteria which is important to me. I never look at My matches. Viewed Me, Meet Me - unless answering a question in the forums about those subjects and double checking the terminology. I then look at the results. If someone catches my eye, I'll read the profile and might send a message. If no one catches my eye, I won't. Those I'm not sure about. I'll add to My Favourites and go back for a second look maybe in a few days. I'd only look at the profile of these at the top if they caught my eye. If they don't, I won't. I also read my Inbox. I get messages from the forums so I don't presume an Inbox message is from the dating side. If I'm interested, I reply, if I'm not, I don't.

import_from_uk

Joined: 8/27/2011

Msg: 3 (view)

Illiterate Posted: 3/15/2013 11:42:45 AM
Or consider the possibility that the message might have been sent quickly from a phone?

import_from_uk

Joined: 8/27/2011

Msg: 113 (view)

URGENT.. Date in 1 hours. Should I go? Posted: 3/15/2013 8:04:34 AM
Ok...seriously, what's the deal with the dentists, someone else asked and I dying of curiousity. If your Mail Restrictions weren't so tight, I'd be able to message you and fill you in. Send me a message then I can respond.

import_from_uk

Joined: 8/27/2011

Msg: 10 (view)

4 yrs of being on and off this site ,is it my profile or just me Posted: 3/15/2013 7:49:19 AM
Crazies will make contact regardless of whether or not your profile tries to warn them off. They simply don't see themselves the way others see them. Use your Inbox to filter them out, not your profile. It's not like they are going to take on board your expressed wishes anyway.

import_from_uk

Joined: 8/27/2011

Msg: 26 (view)

Bichon-poo or Shitzu? Posted: 3/15/2013 7:33:12 AM
Hypo allergic dogs is BS. It's a **stardization of the facts. Dogs allergies are normally caused by a chemical in their saliva or dander which is dead skin. All dogs have dead skin and all dogs shed. Years ago, many thought it was the dog shedding hair which triggered allergies and so the Poodle, as a breed which sheds considerably less than others, was viewed as a good solution. The Yorkshire Terrier was another breed which was promoted as good for those with allergies. OP - Both dogs seem popular and from the limited amount I know about them, as with any breed, the ability of the dog owner to be the pack leader will have the strongest influence on the behavior. Training a dog is much like training a toddler, it's a solid two years before they really are fully trained. Once you have that dog who is trained properly, it's so worth the investment of time it took.

import_from_uk

Joined: 8/27/2011

Msg: 111 (view)

URGENT.. Date in 1 hours. Should I go? Posted: 3/15/2013 6:42:45 AM
Awww, sorry that was the outcome OP but at least he was honest and neither strung you along or left you wondering. It's normally the case that face-to-face one is more interested that the other. Sometimes it will be you, sometimes it will be them but until you actually lay eyes on each other, it's hard to know if they will be the connection you were hoping to have found. Damn dentists.

import_from_uk

Joined: 8/27/2011

Msg: 3 (view)

How do you recover and go back to friendship after love? Posted: 3/15/2013 6:31:44 AM
I don't believe you can be friends with an ex, at best, if you move in the same social circles, you might be able to manage civil - after some time has passed. Much of this will depend on the reasons for the split. If you split because you simply both grew apart or wanted different things from life, it might be possible. If you split because one of you hurt the other, it's not so easy. Personally, I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who hurt me. I wouldn't remain friends with a friend who was hurtful, mean, inconsiderate, etc so I don't understand why keep around an ex who behaved in this manner. It sounds to me like this woman was unfaithful - That would have meant disrespecting the commitment she made, probably lying to you to cover her actions, not considering your feelings and the hurt which would result from her actions, and someone who acting in their own interest with complete disregard for someone (you) who she supposedly was in a relationship with. I don't know about you, but that's not the sort of friend I would want. I think those who want to remain friends are normally being selfish. They know you contributed positively in their life and would like to hold onto that for their own benefit. They might also want to keep you around to lighten any guilt they feel and to create an illusion for mutual friends that you have forgiven her so they too should believe her actions were perfectly fine too. They still aren't considering you.

import_from_uk

Joined: 8/27/2011

Msg: 21 (view)

Buying her flowers 3 weeks in? Posted: 3/15/2013 6:13:47 AM
I agree. Nice gesture and completely appropriate. Don't second guess yourself so much.

import_from_uk

Joined: 8/27/2011

Msg: 2 (view)

message disappeared Posted: 3/15/2013 5:40:34 AM
If he deleted his profile, his message would still be in your Inbox and only your side of the conversation would be removed. If POF deleted his profile, then all traces of him will have gone. If he blocked you, sometimes the entire conversation goes and sometimes one half of it (can't remember whose half). He could have then hidden his profile too so it's not accessible. Regardless, if the message has gone, it's really gone, so no, there is no way to see what it said.

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